His Christmas Redemption
His Christmas Redemption
Danica Favorite
Making peace with the past… Is this the first step to their second chance? Lance Drummond doesn’t do Christmas…not after the tragic loss of his daughter and the painful divorce that followed. But when his ex-wife, Erin, is injured, Lance moves in temporarily to help her make the holidays perfect for her nephews. Amid all the merrymaking, Lance realises he’s falling for Erin again. After so much heartache, can love bring them back together?
Making peace with the past...
’Tis the season for forgiveness...
Is this the first step to their second chance?
Lance Drummond doesn’t do Christmas…not after the tragic loss of his daughter or the painful divorce that followed. But when his ex-wife, Erin, is injured, Lance moves in temporarily to help her make the holidays perfect for her nephews. Amid all the merrymaking, Lance realizes he’s falling for Erin again. After so much heartache, can love bring them back together?
Three Sisters Ranch
DANICA FAVORITE loves the adventure of living a creative life. She loves to explore the depths of human nature and follow people on the journey to happily-ever-after. Though the journey is often bumpy, those bumps refine imperfect characters as they live the life God created them for. Oops, that just spoiled the ending of Danica’s stories. Then again, getting there is all the fun. Find her at danicafavorite.com (http://www.danicafavorite.com).
Also By Danica Favorite (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
Three Sisters Ranch
Her Cowboy Inheritance
The Cowboy’s Faith
His Christmas Redemption
Rocky Mountain Dreams
The Lawman’s Redemption
Shotgun Marriage
The Nanny’s Little Matchmakers
For the Sake of the Children
An Unlikely Mother
Mistletoe Mommy
Honor-Bound Lawman
Discover more at millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk).
His Christmas Redemption
Danica Favorite
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
ISBN: 978-1-474-09923-3
HIS CHRISTMAS REDEMPTION
© 2019 Danica Favorite
Published in Great Britain 2019
by Mills & Boon, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, locations and incidents are purely fictional and bear no relationship to any real life individuals, living or dead, or to any actual places, business establishments, locations, events or incidents. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental.
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Note to Readers (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
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“You’d make a good dad.
“Why didn’t you and Aunt Erin have more kids?”
If it hadn’t been a nine-year-old kid asking him that question, Lance might’ve lashed out. Instead, Lance gave him a squeeze, trying to find the right words without breaking down. Out of the corner of his eye, Lance glanced at Erin. A tear ran down her cheek, and he watched as she quickly brushed it away.
Lance gave Dylan another squeeze. “Thank you. That’s high praise, coming from a wise kid. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you leave these grown-up matters to the grown-ups?”
When he’d come to the ranch, he’d been angry with Erin for suggesting that she might find love again and start a new family. But the longing on her face after Dylan’s comment was real. He’d made Lily’s loss all about him, but after last night, and now, he could see how wrong he’d been.
But he hadn’t been able to be the man she’d wanted then...needed then. So what made him think he could be now?
Dear Reader (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06),
Christmas is a hard season for some people, because while it is supposed to be a time of joy, for some, it is a reminder of pain and loss.
Grief takes many forms, and people express that grief differently. Erin and Lance deal with the loss of their daughter differently, but in the end, the thing they need the most is each other. We are better together when we can share the burdens of our heart.
As you enter the Christmas season, I pray that you will find peace and joy. For those of you who are reminded of your grief this time of year, I pray the Lord will bring you comfort. For those of you who are filled with the holiday spirit, be on the lookout for those who might need a little extra love. If we remember the spirit of love, and share that love with one another, we can make the holiday brighter for everyone.
I love connecting with my readers, so be sure to find me online:
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Website: www.danicafavorite.com (http://www.danicafavorite.com)
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May the blessings of the Lord be with you,
Danica Favorite
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
—Matthew 5:4
To Connor Dugan, you have become such an important part of our family. You have walked alongside us through some good times and some hard ones, as well. You mean the world to us, and I’m so grateful for all you’ve done for us. Not just as a horseman, but as a friend. We love you.
Contents
Cover (#u0541057f-ad37-5b97-9b1a-fb99c1a6dc55)
Back Cover Text (#u34577202-9c87-5fac-96fe-0f352ac21500)
About the Author (#u15b3493f-7785-5bd3-b084-22fe2322e11f)
Booklist (#u356624c3-4d2a-5d66-9fba-29dd1bde66f9)
Title Page (#u3623d6f5-7c73-5dea-92ba-12a54a5f8c23)
Copyright (#udf4b0a76-6b97-5478-b0cf-e36153db6312)
Note to Readers
Introduction (#ue98e0d22-5d7a-5beb-b3c9-af39b78f7574)
Dear Reader (#u65b3e6cd-63b7-56bd-81a7-70af8d55a95e)
Bible Verse (#u94a598d8-eb9e-5dbc-aca8-b8624ab68eb3)
Dedication (#u28f8156f-ea72-5281-a7e1-d2fe4979690b)
Chapter One (#ud2b8df21-7ea3-5e1e-aaed-f514ccd74373)
Chapter Two (#u15e4780a-153b-510d-ae42-b3d5536d7705)
Chapter Three (#uf5337189-47ab-5f32-aed2-424273ce3578)
Chapter Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
Lance Drummond had never expected to find himself on his ex-wife’s doorstep. But he’d also never expected that his entire future would hinge upon her. At least not since their divorce. After all, they’d divorced for a reason. Not his reasons, but when someone told you they didn’t want to be married to you anymore, and counseling wasn’t working, the gentlemanly thing to do was to let that person out.
Besides, wasn’t there a saying that if you loved someone, you should set them free? He’d set Erin free, but sometimes his heart told him he was the biggest of all fools. Not just in letting her go, but for still wanting her in the first place. He’d had reasons of his own to want out of the marriage. But where he came from, when you made someone a promise before God and your family, you kept it. He might not have a great relationship with God these days, but he still didn’t think it was a good idea to break the promises you made Him. So here he was, knocking on the front door of a woman who’d given up on him, needing her help and not sure how to ask for it.
The door opened and a familiar but much more mature face peered out. “Uncle Lance? What are you doing here? Aunt Erin said you guys got divorced.”
That was one of the worst things about divorce. It wasn’t just about losing the partner who promised to stand by you, no matter what, but also losing extended family you’d grown to love. Like his nephew Dylan. He and Dylan had spent a lot of time together in the past, and the little guy, though not so little anymore at nine years old, used to follow him around.
Lance shook his head. He couldn’t think about those happy times. Not when they were lost to him and he would never get them back.
“We did, bud. But I need to talk to Erin about some things. If she’s home.”
The details were fuzzy when it came to what was going on with Erin and her sisters, Nicole and Leah. Based on the few conversations he’d had with her, they’d inherited some ranch from a relative he’d never heard of and moved to this tiny town of Columbine Springs, in the middle of nowhere Colorado, to make a go of ranching. It had been none of his business, but it seemed kind of foolish for them to pursue something like that when none of them knew the first thing about ranches. But here they were, a year and a half later, and they’d stuck it out.
How they were making it, he wasn’t sure. Erin had called him a few times since their divorce, asking if they could revisit the idea of selling the house they still jointly owned because she needed the money. The most recent call came a couple of weeks ago, but he’d refused, as always.
Why would she think he’d ever be willing to sell?
The house was technically marital property, which the court said had to be split evenly between them, even though he’d paid for most of it. Erin had said he could take his time with either selling the house or buying her out.
One day he’d have the money to buy her out and then his last tie to Erin would be severed.
Dylan held the door open wider. “She’s in the kitchen.”
Leaving the door open, Dylan ran in the direction of the other room. Though the outside of the house wasn’t yet decorated, stepping inside was like entering a Christmas nightmare. Erin and her sisters had always loved the holiday and, when they’d been married, her need to decorate to the hilt had been one of their common disagreements. He hated the commercialism and constant need for more, and she bought every sparkly Christmas item she set her eyes on. She used to want to start decorating as early as possible, but he’d always made her wait until after Thanksgiving.
How early had she started this year? He shook his head. None of his business.
Erin appeared in the doorway, wiping her hands on a towel. Her dark hair was up in a ponytail with random hairs that spilled out all over in the crazy way they did when she was working hard on a project. He shouldn’t care about her appearance or how life had been treating her over the past two years. And yet he couldn’t help thinking about how good she looked. Happy. Healthy.
Part of him was happy for her. But another part of him wanted to scream at her and ask how she could be doing so well after everything that had happened.
“Lance. What brings you here? Have you finally decided to sell the house?”
“No. But I do need to talk to you about something else. Can we go somewhere private to talk?”
Erin looked around for a moment then shook her head. “I’m afraid not. Leah and Nicole are both on their honeymoons, so I’m taking care of the boys until they get back.”
Lance stared at her for a moment. Leah and Nicole on honeymoons?
“Didn’t Leah’s husband and Nicole’s fiancé just die?”
Erin shrugged. “It’s been more than two years since Leah’s husband died, and it’s coming up on two years since Nicole’s fiancé died. I’d like to think that they’ve earned their chance to be happy. They’re both very good men, and the double wedding ceremony was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Maybe some people think two years is too soon, but when the heart finds what it’s looking for, why make it wait longer?”
The longing in her voice was like a knife to his stomach. “Does that mean you’ve moved on, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “Please don’t tell me you came all this way to ask about my dating life. It’s none of your business. But if you must know, I haven’t given up on the idea of falling in love again and having a family.”
Having a family? How could she think about that now?
“What about...?” He left a long pause. He hadn’t spoken their daughter’s name in months and barely at all over the past couple of years. Not since she’d died. Even now just thinking about her put his stomach in knots.
“It doesn’t make me love Lily any less,” she said, emphasizing Lily’s name, like she knew how much it still hurt him to hear it. That was why they could never go back, why he hadn’t fought Erin on the divorce. They hadn’t seen eye to eye on how to move forward after the tragedy and this, the first conversation they’d had about it in two years, only made it more obvious.
Erin gave him a gentle smile. “Her death was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, but her life was the best. You can’t have life without death, and it’s worth the pain of death to enjoy the beauty of life.”
That was why he’d never been able to talk to her about any of it. Losing their daughter had hurt so much that all he’d wanted to do was to yell and scream or punch something. But she would just go on with her ridiculous notions about thinking positive and those weird Bible verses about hope. Hope wouldn’t bring their daughter back. He supposed that was the only way Erin could deal with the pain, considering it was her fault their daughter had died.
Erin stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm. “Is that why you’re here? To fight with me over the past, because somehow fighting keeps it, and Lily, alive?”
Her touch burned his arm, but much as he wanted to shove her away and tell her she didn’t understand, it also felt so good that he wanted to stay like this forever. That was the trouble with sorting out his feelings over their daughter’s death and their failed marriage. He hated Erin on so many levels, but somehow he couldn’t stop loving her.
When he didn’t answer, she continued. “I know you’re struggling with moving on. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t like the therapist we went to, but maybe you should consider talking to someone else. It’s not healthy for you to still be so stuck in the past.”
He stepped away. If one more person said that to him, he would... Well, he didn’t know what he would do, but it was like an explosion building up inside him, only there wasn’t any place for it to go.
“I am seeing a therapist,” he said. “That’s why I’m here. I’m supposed to talk to you and make peace with what happened between us.”
That wasn’t all of it, but for now it would have to be enough. He wasn’t even sure that he knew what making peace meant. His counselor said that it was different for everyone, but Lance had to find a way to make the feelings of agony inside his stomach go away and for him to stop talking of Erin and their past with such bitterness. One more thing he didn’t know how to accomplish, but the counselor had suggested that talking to Erin might give him a path to figuring it out.
He wasn’t sure how much he was going to tell her yet, though. His business partner, Chad Maxwell, was threatening to force him out if he didn’t get a counselor to sign off on his mental health. According to Chad, Lance’s grief was keeping him from adequately performing his duties in helping him run the outdoor gear company they’d built together from the ground up.
Erin hated the company, and hated Chad even more. She had no idea what either of them meant to Lance, which had been a huge source of conflict in their marriage. So to tell her that he needed this to keep Chad from forcing him out would probably only give her more reason to show him the door.
She gave a casual shrug as if none of it mattered. “I’m at peace with you. I’ve got nothing against you, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time moving forward, but I don’t know what that has to do with me.”
Before he could answer, a little boy came running into the room. “Auntie Erin! I finished painting my snowman!”
As it dawned on him who the boy was, all the air rushed out of Lance’s lungs. Ryan. The little boy was just a few months younger than their daughter had been. He was four now, and Lily...eternally two. Ryan had once been a fixture in their home, and even though the kids had been young, they’d been close. Lance had once loved the little boy like his own. This pain was deeper than what he’d felt at seeing Dylan.
“Who is that?” Ryan asked.
It did not seem right that Ryan didn’t remember him.
“This is Lance and he’s...” Erin didn’t finish her sentence, like she didn’t how to explain their relationship to the little boy.
Dylan joined them. “That’s Uncle Lance.”
Ryan looked confused. “How do we have an uncle Lance? Aunt Nicole is married to Uncle Nando, so did you get married, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “He’s not my husband anymore.”
Obviously they didn’t spend much time rehashing family history. Did Erin think of him at all? Of their daughter? She’d moved on and built this happy little life without them.
“Why not?” Ryan’s innocent question made Lance feel sick.
She looked uncomfortable and for that he was glad. At least she showed signs of the divorce having some impact on her.
Lance was supposed to be there to find peace, to get closure on this part of his life so he could move on with his future. Erin seemed to have done that, but instead of making him feel better, it only made him feel worse.
Lance had picked a fine time to decide to make peace with her about the past. If he wanted it so badly, why hadn’t he just gone ahead and put their house on the market, like she’d asked him to a couple of weeks ago? This was not a discussion she wanted to have in front of the boys, and as Ryan still looked at her expectantly about why she wasn’t married anymore, Erin had no idea what to say.
Finally she squatted beside Ryan and put her arm around him. “It’s one of those complicated grown-up things,” she said. “We used to be married and now we’re not.”
Ryan tilted his head. “Why not? When Mom and Dad got married, Dad promised he would love us forever and ever and ever, and he would never leave us. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you get married? How can you not be married anymore?”
Erin sighed. This wasn’t an easy topic for a four-year-old to understand. Especially since Leah, his mom, and Shane, his new dad, had just gotten married. It was easy to believe in forever on the day you spoke those vows. But tragedy had a way of changing things. How to explain those complications to a boy who’d been part of a wedding where he was finally getting an amazing dad?
“In most cases, yes. But sometimes bad things happen and the best thing is for both of you to go your separate ways.”
Ryan gave her a funny look. “That’s not what Mom says. Mom says you have to work together to figure it out. Even if it’s hard, Mom says it’s worth it in the end to work through your problems. Just like I did with Dylan when he broke my fire truck.”
She was rusty at this parenting thing. Being an aunt was so much easier.
Even though they’d all been living in this house together after moving here a year and a half ago, and before that, crammed into Nicole’s tiny apartment when Erin had left Lance two years ago, they had been an extended family for as long as Ryan had been alive. Erin tried just to be the boys’ aunt and not their mom. This whole conversation felt like a mom discussion, but Leah was on her honeymoon.
So she took a deep breath and prayed that she was using the right words, especially since she could feel Lance’s eyes boring into her, demanding that she answer not just for Ryan, but for him. He hadn’t wanted the divorce, and it was clear, from his presence, he still didn’t understand. But how were you supposed to keep explaining that you couldn’t handle being blamed for your daughter’s death? Or that he’d been too emotionally unavailable to work through their shared grief together? And why would he want to remain married to her, believing that about her?
Erin hugged Ryan close to her. “You’re right. People should try to work out their problems. Lance and I tried very hard to do so, but unfortunately it didn’t work.”
She didn’t look at Lance as she spoke the words, knowing it would probably just set him off. He didn’t want to hear about her pain, but he’d needed someone to blame and be angry at. That’s what their counselor had said.
Lance didn’t seem angry now, though. Just...lost.
Erin wasn’t sure she was the right person to help him find his way again.
Thinking about that time gave her an idea as to how to explain it to Ryan, though. “You remember how you guys went to a counselor when we first came here? Then again, once your mom and Shane decided to get married? Sometimes counselors help you fix things, but sometimes they show you things are too broken to be fixed.”
Lance made a strangled noise and Erin looked up to see the sadness in his eyes. He’d stormed out of so many of their counseling sessions. Did he understand just how much of that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage?
It didn’t matter. They were divorced now and whatever peace Lance was looking for, she hoped he found it. Even if she wasn’t part of that solution.
However her words seemed to resonate with Ryan, who nodded. “I didn’t know they did that. Does this mean he can’t play with me?”
She looked over at Lance, who seemed extremely uncomfortable. After Lily’s death, he couldn’t stand being around Ryan, who had spent so much time with them. When things were really bad with Jason, Leah’s late husband, Leah would often leave the boys with Erin. In some ways, Ryan and Lily had been like brother and sister.
“I’m not sure if he knows how to play your games,” Erin said. “Besides, we have to finish making and putting up our Christmas decorations.” Hopefully it would give Lance a way out without looking or feeling like a jerk.
“He could help,” Ryan offered.
Given that Erin and her sisters used to jokingly call Lance “the Grinch” because of how he’d make fun of all their Christmas merriment and holiday décor everywhere, asking him to help would probably be the quickest way to get rid of him.
“That’s a great idea,” Erin said, looking over at Lance. “We haven’t gotten the outside lights up yet, and I was wondering how I’d do that all by myself.”
Was it wrong of her to get a sick thrill at the look of horror on his face?
As his brow furrowed, she couldn’t help smiling. Lance was as good as gone.
Not that she necessarily had anything against him. But what did they have to say to one another anymore? He’d made it clear he didn’t want to sell the house.
“I guess I could lend a hand,” Lance finally said, sounding like he’d rather have all his toenails pulled out one by one.
Whatever this making peace business was about, it had to be big.
“Great,” Erin said, gesturing to a large box in the hall. “If you don’t mind carrying that outside, I’ll grab a ladder.”
When she returned to the front porch, carrying the ladder, Lance had already opened the box of lights and was looking through them.
“You’re going to need to test them,” he said.
“Already did that during our Christmas movie marathon over Thanksgiving.”
Lance groaned and Erin grinned. Most families were into football games and parades, but Erin and her sisters hated sports, so they’d created their own tradition by watching their favorite Christmas movies. This year their tradition had been slightly abbreviated since they’d been busy with wedding preparations for her sisters’ early December wedding.
All their decorating energy had been poured into the wedding and they hadn’t had time to get to the house.
That left the job to Erin. She was hoping that by the time her sisters got back from their respective honeymoons in two weeks, the entire place would be transformed into a Christmas wonderland.
As Erin got the ladder situated on the corner of the porch, she couldn’t help smiling as she pictured their faces at seeing how Erin had made it their best yet. They’d had so many terrible Christmases over the past few years, with Erin’s tragedy and the troubles of Leah’s previous marriage. Prior to that, growing up under the iron fist of their father, the Colonel—a man who made Scrooge look like a humanitarian—Christmas hadn’t been a joyous occasion in their home. She and her sisters had always promised each other that when they were finally on their own, and had the means to do so, they were going to have the most amazing Christmases ever.
Last year, things had looked like they were going to finally work out for them after all their tragedies. But Erin had gotten sick, and many of their plans had fallen through. This year Erin was determined. After all these years of waiting, her family would finally have the perfect Christmas they’d always dreamed of. She’d put together a whole binder for the family’s perfect Christmas, listing everything they were going to do to celebrate the holiday. She and the boys had spent all afternoon making more decorations, and while they may not be like the ones people bought in stores, her sisters would love knowing how the boys had helped.
She gestured to the string of lights Lance had started unwinding. “Can you hand me that one? And the stapler that’s in the box?”
As he handed them to her, he said, “You want me to do that? I used to always...”
He used to always be the one to hang the lights. And at some point during the process, he’d grumpily tell her that she was using more than she had the previous year and that it was a good thing he loved her. They’d end up laughing and kissing, and even though he hated her decorations, it had made her feel so loved that he’d indulged her anyway.
“I learned how to do it myself,” she said, taking the stapler in one hand and the lights in the other.
The pain in his eyes told her that he remembered their past, too.
Maybe whatever peace he had to make with her would be good for them both. She’d thought she was over him. After all their conversations once they decided to divorce, she’d thought about how good it was that they were divorced because they could never agree on anything.
But the thing was, even when they’d disagreed during their marriage, they’d often found ways to compromise, making sure the other person had what they needed. Somehow they’d lost that.
As Erin attached the lights to the edge of the roof, she wondered how she could convince Lance to understand that selling the house wasn’t about forgetting their daughter. It hadn’t meant anything to him while she was alive, so why did he have to put so much importance on it now?
Sometimes she thought it was his way of punishing her for Lily’s death. He blamed Erin and, based on their conversations since, he still did. Erin had fallen asleep while Lily napped and hadn’t heard Lily wake up. Nor had she heard Lily open the door and go outside. Erin had been so deeply asleep that she hadn’t realized her daughter had drowned in the creek until hours later, after discovering Lily missing. A search party had found the body.
She should have done a better job getting Lily to understand the dangers of playing by the creek. The little girl had been fascinated by the rushing water and went there every chance she got. Erin should have double-checked the lock on the door to make sure it was locked. She should have told Lance she wasn’t feeling well and that was why she hadn’t wanted him going back to work that day, instead of picking a fight with him and complaining that he spent more time at work than with his family. She should have...
Erin wiped a tear from her face. So many should haves, and not one would bring their daughter back. Nor would it bring back the baby she’d been carrying at the time. She hadn’t even had the chance to tell Lance, which was probably a good thing since he’d likely blame her for that loss, as well. More moisture hit her face and she realized it wasn’t tears. The storm forecast to hit tonight was blowing in earlier than expected. Just a few more feet and she’d have this part done.
“Hey,” Lance called up. “It’s starting to snow. Maybe you should save this for another day.”
“I know,” she said. “I just need to finish this section.”
He made a noise like he always did when he was going to argue, but he didn’t say anything.
A few more snowflakes hit her face and a gust of wind blew the string still hanging. If she didn’t get it secured, the storm would likely rip the whole thing off and not only would she have to redo the lights, she’d probably have to buy new ones. They’d made that mistake last year when they started decorating early in the season.
She put an extra couple of staples in the section then climbed down. “Help me move this so I can get the last part.”
Lance made his annoyed noise again. “Why don’t you let me do it?”
Maybe it was petty, but this was typical Lance, not approving of her actions but then stepping in to do it for her to show how magnanimous he was.
“I’ve got it, thanks,” she said, moving the ladder and returning to her position.
“It’ll take you two trips up and down and moving the ladder again. I’ve got a longer reach.”
Technically true. But she was already up.
The first staple went in strong and satisfying. That was the other reason she wanted to do this. Maybe it would help him make peace with the past to see just how much she no longer needed him. As Erin pulled the next section of lights toward her, reaching to where she wanted to place it, her foot slipped. The metal ladder was getting slippery with the snow coming down. She probably should have let Lance do this one. He’d been right about her reach and she wouldn’t risk another trip up and down again.
Maybe if she secured the end instead of leaving it hanging loose, she could come back another day and re-fasten it. She tugged at the end, which had gotten caught on one of the rungs.
“Be careful,” Lance said.
She pulled on the end again, trying to angle it out of where it was caught. Her trick worked, freeing the strand.
She spied one of the hooks they’d used last year to put wooden cutouts on the roof. The cutouts hadn’t lasted beyond the first storm, but this remaining hook was perfect for looping the last of the string and securing it. However, as she reached for it, her foot slipped again. It wasn’t until she was on her way to the ground that she realized just how seriously she’d misjudged the distance.
Her arm holding the stapler hit the ladder and it seemed weird to notice that she was still holding her stapler. Especially since, when she hit the ground, she was pretty sure there were three Lances staring down at her.
Lance had gotten Erin to the hospital as quickly as he could. It was obvious, even without a doctor looking at it, she’d likely broken both her right arm and her left foot. Based on some of the strange things she’d said, he was also pretty sure she had a concussion. As an avid outdoorsman, he was well-versed in first aid.
The boys had brought along some books and games. It was hard watching them interact and wondering if this could have been his life, too. He and Erin had planned on having other children, but they hadn’t been so fortunate, and maybe that was for the best.
Ryan came over and handed him a book. “Will you read to me? I’m bored with coloring.”
The little boy didn’t wait for a response but climbed up into his lap. “You might not be my uncle anymore, but I like you. I hope you do the voices better than Uncle Nando.”
Was it getting warmer in the waiting room? His throat felt like sandpaper as he opened the book and tried to read. How hard was it to say “The Amazing World of Dinosaurs”? But it physically hurt his throat to try.
“You can read, can’t you?” Ryan asked. He pointed to a word. “That one says ‘dinosaur.’ Dylan says I just have it memorized because I read so many dinosaur books. But I actually know how to read. Not all the words, because I haven’t gone to school yet. Just preschool.”
Maybe Lance should have put on one of those masks they offered at the front door to help stop the spread of germs. He was obviously coming down with something.
“I can read. ‘The Amazing World of Dinosaurs,’” Lance said. “But you already know that.”
Ryan rewarded him with a wide grin and snuggled closer. It had been more than two years since Lance had held a child in his arms. He took a deep breath, inhaling the warm little-boy scent that hadn’t changed all that much. Leah still obviously used the same children’s shampoo.
As he started to read, the tightness in Lance’s chest relaxed. He glanced at Dylan, who looked up from his book and smiled.
They hadn’t gotten very far into their book when the nurse came out.
Lance stood. “Is Erin okay? Can we see her?”
The nurse smiled. “I’m going to bring you back. The doctor would like to keep her overnight for observation. With her injuries, it will be better for her to be where we can watch over her and help her for these first few hours.”
The nurse hesitated then continued. “I’ll be honest. She’s been arguing with us about going home tonight. She is worried about the boys. I asked her if you were a danger to them and she said no. But she’s worried about being an imposition. Is that how you feel about her?”
Erin had said the same thing when she’d first asked him to take her to the hospital. What was he supposed to do, leave an injured woman to figure it out herself? Granted they were no longer married, so he didn’t owe her anything. But he’d like to think he was still a decent human being who would step in to help whenever someone needed it. He let out a long sigh.
“She’s not an imposition. I know she worries about it, but she worries too much. The boys and I will be fine.”
The nurse gave him a relieved smile. “That’s what I thought would be the response because I passed by here a couple of times and watched you with the boys. If you’d like a few minutes alone with her to discuss arrangements, I’d be happy to keep them occupied.”
He helped the boys gather their things and then the nurse led them into the exam room, where Erin was dressed in a hospital gown, her arm in a cast, her leg in a boot and a sour look on her face. “I think they’re overreacting,” she said before he even entered. “I’m fine. I just need to be in my own bed.”
He studied her face. The strained expression of pain was gone, but when he glanced at the IV they’d put in her, he wondered if they’d given her something for it. She’d probably argued about that, as well, but hopefully it would take the edge off so she could feel better.
“Do you remember hitting your head when you fell?” he asked.
She let out a long sigh. “It all happened so fast. There are pieces of my fall I don’t remember.”
“That’s because you have a concussion,” the nurse said, entering the room. She turned to Ryan and Dylan. “I have to go check on the room where your aunt is going to spend the night. Do you boys want to come and give me a hand?”
The boys gave an enthusiastic yes but Lance waited until the door closed behind them before he turned to Erin. “I agree with the nurse that you should spend the night. It’s a lot safer for you if you’re here, especially given that it’s going to be hard getting used to going around in a walking boot, with a cast on your opposite arm, and maintaining your balance.”
Erin let out a long sigh. “I don’t want to be a bother. I’m not your responsibility anymore.”
“Maybe not as my wife, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to help someone in need. The snow hasn’t let up. We’re all better off staying put for the night, rather than trying to make it over the pass. I saw a sign for a hotel just a block or so away. The boys and I can hunker down, and you can get some rest. Driving home tomorrow will be much safer for us all.”
She hated driving in the snow and she hated driving with him in the snow. She thought he drove too fast and took too many risks. He thought she worried too much. He’d never had an accident, but he could use her fear of one to convince her to stay tonight.
“I was worried about that. The roads getting bad, that is.” A weary look crossed her face. “You’re sure you won’t mind taking the boys overnight?”
“I’m not a monster,” he said.
He couldn’t read the expression on her face as she held her free hand out to him. “Come here.”
When he reached her side, she took his hand in hers. “I never thought you were,” she said. “We just...” Erin closed her eyes for a moment. “I needed a different level of connection than you could give me. It doesn’t make either one of us monsters. We’re just not compatible.”
A tear ran down her cheek and, for the first time, he wondered if maybe their divorce had been just as hard on her as it had been on him.
But she’d left him. Any regret she might feel at that action was her fault.
She pulled her hand out of his and wiped at her cheek. “Sorry. The medications they gave me are making me emotional. I know how you hate that. Anyway, my concern over being an imposition is that I don’t want to make you ruin your plans just because of my clumsiness.”
“I don’t have any plans,” he said.
Now would be the perfect time to explain that Chad had essentially relieved him of his duties at work until he could deal with his grief. But Erin yawned as she nodded slowly. Maybe not. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to discuss anything important.
The door opened and the nurse reentered with the boys. “I know you just got to see her, but she does need her rest and visiting hours are almost over. So say your goodbyes and you can see her in the morning.”
Before they could leave, a doctor entered the room. “Good. Your family hasn’t left. I was hoping to catch them.”
He turned to Lance and held out his hand. “Steve Purcell,” he said. “I just want to be sure that when Erin goes home tomorrow, she won’t be going home alone.”
The doctor explained Erin’s injuries to Lance and none of it surprised him. Nor did it come as a shock when the doctor said, “She’s not capable of being on her own right now. I can’t release her unless I know there’s going to be a responsible adult with her in the house to look after the boys. Their mother, perhaps?”
Lance glanced over at Erin, who wore a panicked expression on her face, like she was afraid of what answer he would give.
“The boys’ mother is on her honeymoon,” Lance said, turning his attention back to the doctor.
“Don’t you dare call her.” Erin sat straighter in her bed, whatever grogginess she’d been feeling during their conversation seemingly gone. “Leah has been working really hard to save up for this trip. You can’t ruin it and make her come home early. I’ll be fine. Please.”
It was just like Erin to be worried about ruining Leah’s honeymoon. Were it anyone else, he would insist on calling. But she was right. If Leah knew that Erin had been injured, she would change her plans and come straight home. He didn’t want that for her. Even Lance could admit that his ex-sister-in-law deserved to enjoy her honeymoon.
“Please,” Erin said more gently. “I can do this. I’m far more capable than anyone gives me credit for.”
“I understand what you’re saying,” Lance said slowly. “I wouldn’t want to ruin Leah’s honeymoon, either. I’ll stay with you. I’ll help with the boys.”
She gave him a hopeful look. “You would do that? What about your job?”
He nodded. “I’m on a bit of an extended vacation.”
It was the closest to the truth he could give right now, especially in front of all these people.
This time when Erin slumped back against her pillows, all the fight had left her. It had clearly taken all of her energy to protect her sister and now the medication had won.
“All right.” She turned to look at the doctor. “You heard him. Lance is going to stay with us. And even though he doesn’t have to, I appreciate it. You can fill him in on any necessary information. My sister is back in two weeks and she can take over then.”
It was obvious she hadn’t wanted to agree to letting him stay but she’d had no other choice. And while spending the next two weeks taking care of Erin wasn’t high on Lance’s priority list, maybe it would allow him to discover the elusive peace he’d been hoping to find.
As they left the hospital room he took a final glance back at Erin, who was already drifting off to sleep. He didn’t understand his tender feelings for her at this moment. Maybe it was because she was injured. But he’d do well to remind himself not to let his heart get entangled with hers again.
Chapter Two (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
“We need to make cookies,” Erin said as Lance helped her out of the car when they got back to the ranch the next day.
“You just got home,” he said. “Let’s get you settled in and maybe, in a few days, we’ll give it a go.”
Even though Lance had known about Erin’s love for Christmas, he hadn’t expected she’d want to continue her activities as normal when she got home. But he should have guessed, considering how important it was to her. As he watched the defiant expression cross her face, he knew this wasn’t going to be an easy battle.
That had always been the trouble with Erin. When she got something stuck in her mind, it was almost impossible to convince her to see sense. Wasn’t that what had gotten her into this position in the first place?
He’d told her to let him finish the lights. Had she listened? No. And in a careless moment she’d been injured. At least this time it was only her safety she’d compromised. But what if he hadn’t been able to take care of her? What would she have done with the boys? Would she have had to call her sister home?
Even though everyone told him that Lily’s death was nothing more than a tragic accident, Lance knew that if only Erin had been more careful, more responsible, she would have remembered to lock the door and wouldn’t have fallen asleep. Maybe then, their daughter would still be alive.
“I’ll be fine,” she insisted, struggling to get out of her seat.
As much as Erin claimed she felt fine, she’d slept almost the entire drive back to the ranch. He’d had enough injuries of his own to know that a concussion took longer than most people thought to heal. Add in the pain from her fall and she wasn’t going to be fine for a long time.
“You’ve only just gotten out of the hospital, so let’s take it one step at a time. Starting with getting you into the house.”
He tried not to laugh as she glared at him. It was almost fun, watching her squirm. The look on her face as she glanced down at her foot then up at the stairs leading to the porch was priceless. Though they’d put her in a walking boot, the cast on her right arm would make it difficult for her to grab on to anything for balance.
Plus, it was hard to take her seriously when she was wearing a gaudy Christmas sweater with a giant llama on the front that said, “I llama wish you a Merry Christmas.” Her outfit was absolutely ridiculous, but when she was in the hospital, Lance and the boys had stopped at a discount store to buy them all some necessities for their overnight stay, as well as some things for Lance’s stay at Erin’s, and the boys had insisted that Erin needed that sweater.
She’d accepted the boys’ gift with dignity, but he could tell by the horrified expression on her face that it was a bit much, even for her. Her acceptance of the ugly sweater was one of the many things he’d always loved about her. Erin’s warmth always made people feel...
Lance shook his head. There was a big difference between finding peace with their relationship and remembering those feelings. Best to focus on the task at hand.
“Put your arm around my neck,” he said, bending beside the car. “You can balance on me until you get the hang of walking in that thing.”
She nodded slowly as she scooted out of the seat, putting her arm around him. She’d been in his arms only the day before, when he’d taken her to the hospital, but this felt different. Like... He couldn’t put words to it. But he liked the feeling of Erin trusting him and relying on him. They’d once had it and, somehow, they’d lost it.
Once he got her into the house, he took her to the family room. The space was cozy, with couches arranged by a fireplace and half-opened boxes of decorations in the corner. Some of the decorations were already in place but, judging from the boxes, Erin had a lot more to go.
“Is that end of the couch a recliner?” Lance asked. “The nurse said you should keep your foot elevated as much as possible.”
“Yes,” Erin said. “But I told you, I need to bake cookies today. I have a list, and if I don’t stick to the schedule, I won’t have everything done by the time my sisters get home. We’ll only have a few days before Christmas then, and I don’t want them worrying about everything I didn’t finish.”
Was she kidding? Of course not. Erin didn’t kid about Christmas. If the halls weren’t decked to the nines, she wasn’t happy. And right now, even though most people would call the house decorations perfectly fine, he knew it wasn’t up to Erin’s standards.
Even though Erin would have hated the comparison, her insistence on perfect Christmas décor reminded him of his mother. The only difference was that his mother always hired professional decorators and hosted parties to show off her efforts.
He could at least be thankful Erin wasn’t one to throw a party. How he hated his mother’s parties, with all the fake cheer and plastic smiles, pretending to be the perfect family.
At least Erin never pretended things were perfect when they weren’t.
“They’re going to understand,” Lance told her. “You’ve got a broken ankle and a broken arm. It’s not going to kill anyone to not have everything done perfectly. Besides, if you bake the cookies now, they’ll be spoiled by Christmas.”
“Not if you freeze them,” she said, removing her arm from his shoulder. “And just because you hate Christmas doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t celebrate the way we want.”
“I do not hate Christmas,” he said through gritted teeth. They’d barely gotten Erin home and already they were starting in to their old patterns. “I just think that all this nonsense isn’t necessary. There’s nothing wrong with getting some cookies from the bakery, dumping a packet of hot chocolate into a mug of hot water, and sitting in front of a tree that doesn’t look like Rudolph vomited on it.”
“That’s disgusting,” Erin said as she stepped away. “And that is exactly the problem between us. I see the beauty in holiday decorations and you want to compare them to animal waste.”
At this rate, she was going to take another tumble. Maybe not off a ladder, but it was still going to hurt.
“I just think less is more,” he said, trying to sound calm. “It’s your house, and you can do whatever you want. But the nurse said you have to stay off that foot and keep it elevated for the first few days.”
He held an arm out to her. “Come on, Erin. I don’t want to fight. I’m just trying to keep you safe. If having homemade cookies means so much to you, we’ll figure it out. After you rest.”
Tears filled her eyes. Lance squeezed his eyes shut and started to count to ten. The last thing he needed was for her to start crying on him. Why did she have to be so emotional about everything?
When he got to nine, Erin took his arm. “I just want to have the perfect Christmas.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You don’t need to have all this stuff for that. Besides, you guys had this place last year. Didn’t you get to do everything then?”
“I had the flu. We got the decorating mostly done, but I got sick before I got to enjoy any of it,” she said, a sad look crossing her face. “I didn’t even get to watch the boys open the hats Shane had bought them. Plus, we got a lot of decorations on clearance after Christmas last year, so this is the first we’ll get to use them.”
The tone of her voice and the way her forehead was wrinkling made him realize that some of the emotion he was witnessing was sheer exhaustion on her part. Not only was she injured and on painkillers, she was obviously under a lot of strain—trying to plan the perfect Christmas, taking care of her nephews on her own and now having to deal with him. He might, as she’d often accused him, be low on the emotional intelligence scale, but he could at least tell that what Erin really needed at this point was a nap.
“We’ll make it work,” he said softly, putting his arm around her and leading her toward the couch. She didn’t fight him, just looked up at him sadly.
“If you say so,” she said.
Lance got her situated on the couch and the boys came running in the room. “Uncle Lance! Can you play with us?”
“I’m still getting your aunt settled in right now. Why don’t you help me by getting her a glass of water so she can take her medicine?”
Erin looked up at him. “I don’t want any more painkillers. Leah’s first husband died because of a drug overdose that started with a painkiller addiction.”
He’d known that, but he hadn’t realized just how much it had affected Erin. He’d heard the nurse warn her that the first couple of days out of the hospital she needed to be diligent about taking her medication because they’d had her on such strong medicine in the hospital initially.
“We’ll wean you off gradually, just like the nurse said,” Lance told her, sitting next to her on the couch. “You’re not going to become addicted, but if you don’t stay on top of the pain, the nurse said it will get really bad and you’ll end up back in the hospital. Is that what you want?”
Erin shook her head. “I know I sound like a bratty child here, but I don’t think you understand just how hard this is for me.”
He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I think, of all people, I understand the most. I know you hate feeling powerless and it’s not like you to sit around and do nothing. But you have to take care of yourself or you’re useless for taking care of anyone else. You know that. I promise I’ll help you get ready for Christmas.”
“You said when we got divorced that you were never celebrating Christmas again.”
Not only had he said that but he’d kept his word. He’d never liked how commercial the holiday had become, and hated it even more now that he and Erin were divorced. Every stupid decoration reminded him of the woman who’d loved—and left—him.
But helping Erin didn’t mean celebrating. As far as he was concerned, these could just be chores, like cleaning the toilet. He chuckled at the thought. Erin would be so offended if she heard him comparing the two, but at least the thought made the activity palatable.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
The boys came back in the room, so he didn’t have to explain. Besides, when he saw what Ryan was holding, Lance didn’t feel much like laughing anymore. He’d know that bear anywhere.
“Where did he get that?” Lance looked over at Erin.
“It was Lily’s. You and I aren’t the only ones who miss her. He doesn’t really remember her, but when he was little, he used to cry for his Lily, so I started letting him sleep with her favorite teddy bear. And now it’s his.”
Ryan squeezed his teddy to his chest. “Her name is Lily. She’s my Lily bear.”
That’s what Erin used to call Lily. Her little Lily bear. Lance had thought it a silly name and now hearing it made his heart ache.
“You gave him Lily’s bear?” Lance stared at Erin.
“I did what I thought was best. She’s not here to enjoy it, and it makes him happy, so what’s wrong with that?”
Lance didn’t answer. What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t exactly take what was obviously a beloved toy away from Ryan and yet it didn’t seem fair.
“I sleep with her every night,” Ryan said. “Except for last night, and I really missed her.” Ryan squeezed the bear to his chest. “I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”
“Bears are for babies,” Dylan said, handing Erin a glass of water. “Here’s your drink, like you asked.”
“I’m not a baby. Lily bear is my special friend.”
Erin patted the seat next to her. “Of course she is. And we don’t think you’re a baby.” Erin looked over at Dylan. “Apologize to your brother.”
“Sorry,” Dylan said.
Ryan grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair then climbed up onto the couch and snuggled next to Erin. She put her arm around the little boy in such a maternal way that it made Lance’s heart hurt. How many times had he seen her do that with Lily? She’d been that way with both boys, as well, and the thing he’d always appreciated about her was how loving she’d been to all the children.
Lance hadn’t had that kind of love growing up. His parents, not the touchy-feely type, were more interested in showing off the trophies of their children’s accomplishments. Just like with Christmas. It wasn’t about celebrating the reason for the season, but about impressing their neighbors and clients. He’d always promised himself that if he had children, they’d be part of a loving family. He thought they’d given that to Lily; one of the small comforts he’d had with her short life. As much as he hadn’t wanted the divorce, sometimes he wondered if Erin had been right in pursuing it, given that he didn’t think they were capable of loving each other that way anymore.
Erin whispered something in Ryan’s ear then Ryan looked over at Dylan. “I accept your apology,” he said.
Sometimes it was easy to forget the things Lance had against Erin, especially when he was reminded of the kind and loving woman she was. He just didn’t know how that translated to being at peace with her. His counselor had told him that he needed to forgive Erin for what happened to Lily. But as much as Lance wanted to believe that Erin had learned from her mistakes, it was clear she still didn’t always think her decisions through.
If she were responsible, and thought about things logically, she wouldn’t be arguing with him over taking care of herself. She’d be more focused on getting well and taking care of the children than on some crazy idea of what she thought Christmas was supposed to be like.
Erin looked up at him. “If you can get me my pain pills, I should go ahead and take one now, before the pain gets worse. If you don’t mind, I’d also like you to put on a movie for Ryan and me to watch. Neither of us slept well last night, so we’re just going to veg out in front of the TV.”
Ryan cradled the bear in his arms as he tucked the blanket around him and Erin. It was a cozy picture. As much as Lance wanted to nurse the feelings of hurt, his heart melted a little when Ryan bent and kissed the top of his bear’s head.
Lily was dead. What did it matter that her bear was providing comfort to another child?
Once Erin was settled with her movie, Lance got out his laptop. Even though he was technically on a leave of absence, he still liked to keep up on as much as he could. But he found, as the cartoon character of Ebenezer Scrooge came on the screen, he was more focused on the movie than on his work. Erin would probably have something to say about that, but when he turned to look at her, she’d already fallen asleep. Cuddled with the little boy, she was the picture of everything he wished his life could have been had it not been cruelly taken from him.
Maybe what people didn’t understand about Lance, or about these famous characters of Christmas, was that their perceived badness didn’t happen in a vacuum. There were reasons for the pain, and it wasn’t so simple to just get over it, as everyone seemed to want them to do. Maybe it happened in the movies, but the people in the movies didn’t wake up every morning to an emptiness that nothing could ever fill.
His counselor wanted him to make peace with Erin. He still didn’t know what that meant, but he’d like to think that when he talked to her next, and he told her about taking care of Erin, she’d see this as doing just that. Surely taking care of the person who’d done the most to hurt you was a sign that you’d made peace with your past.
When Erin woke, there was a fire in the fireplace, the television was off and the boys were gone. This was why she hadn’t wanted to take the pain medicine. It made her too sleepy and she couldn’t pay attention or keep track of the boys.
Lance used to ask her how he would know that she had learned from her mistake and would never fall asleep while watching a child again. She hadn’t had an answer at the time, but living with Leah and her boys, she was always on edge if she was supposed to be watching them. True, Lance was there, but sometimes she felt that he looked at her like he was just waiting for her to mess up again. Leah often told her that even Mary lost track of a young Jesus when he went off to go preach in the synagogue. Surely if the mother of the son of God didn’t always do it right then Erin could give herself a break, as well.
Just try telling that to Lance. She shifted her weight, trying to see the best way to scoot herself off the couch and move around. She could hear laughter coming from the kitchen. It seemed selfish to spoil their fun by calling out for them. But no sooner had she flipped the lever to put the foot of the recliner down than Lance stepped into the living room, wearing the reindeer apron the boys had purchased for her last Christmas.
“Let me help you,” he said.
“What are you guys doing in there?”
He shrugged. “Making cookies. The boys showed me a Christmas binder, and while I know you want to be part of the cookie-making process, there are a lot of cookies to be baked, so we went ahead and started. What do you need to make so many Christmas cookies for, anyway?”
Lance had started making the cookies? “You don’t know how to make anything that doesn’t come out of a box.”
“They say necessity is the mother of invention. It’s too expensive to eat out all the time, and I don’t like eating frozen dinners day in and day out. So I watched a few videos on the internet and, while I’ll never be a chef, I won’t starve.”
“You were good at grilling,” she said. Then she added, “Our church has refreshments every Sunday after the service. But they also like to do something a little special for the holidays. Baking cookies relaxes me, so I volunteered to do extra this year. I’m just glad my day to bring them wasn’t today. At least we’ll have them for next week.”
She tried not to sound discouraged as she spoke. Before her nap, she’d sounded so whiny that she’d gotten on her own nerves. Even now she was trying not to let the situation get the best of her. It had been a silly accident and she needed to find a way to look on the bright side.
“I didn’t realize you started going to church again,” he said.
He looked like he was going to add something argumentative but then he stopped. The counselor had recommended they go to church together, but Lance had informed her that he saw no point in chasing after a God who could be so cruel as to take their child from them.
“It’s been a great way for us to get involved in our community. Pastor Roberts is a wonderful teacher and we’ve all grown a lot closer to the Lord thanks to him. I’ve never been part of a place where the people were so warm and welcoming.”
The hesitation on his face was confirmation of just how far apart they’d grown and why she couldn’t see them having a future together. Maybe, for all the doubts she’d had about their divorce, having him there now was what she needed as confirmation of what had truly become important in her life.
“I don’t believe in God anymore,” he said.
Erin took a deep breath. “I know. But that’s something for the two of you to work out. If you’d rather not help with the cookies, I understand. Even though everyone I know is busy with their own holiday preparations, I’m sure I can find someone to help me.”
Though she’d put a cheerful tone in her voice, she knew that many of the people from church already had too many commitments on their plates. She’d ended up signing up to make extra because they hadn’t had enough people who could do it.
“It’s just cookies,” he said. “It’s not like I have to go—” He stopped. “I’m going to have to take you to church, aren’t I?”
She honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead. She would like to go to church, but she was already asking a lot of Lance. She’d seen the look on his face when she’d explained about Lily’s bear becoming Ryan’s.
“I’ll try to find a ride. My boss, Ricky, drives right past here on his way. If he can’t pick us up, maybe you could just drop us off and then go have a cup of coffee and pastry. There’s a great café in town that has the best bear claws.”
Lance gave her a funny look. “I like bear claws.”
If it were anyone but Lance, she’d have hugged him. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hug him, but because it was Lance, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to leave his arms after being in them again. She’d already struggled with it when he’d brought her into the house. It was hard being so close to someone she’d loved for so long...their relationship was now so different.
He helped her into the kitchen, where the boys were making shapes out of dough. It wouldn’t have been her first choice, but she could see Lance’s laptop perched on the counter with the video paused.
How was she supposed to remain immune to him? That’s what she’d never been able to understand about Lance. How could you not like a man who didn’t know how to cook, hated Christmas, but was willing to go online and watch videos to learn how to bake Christmas cookies for a woman in need?
“Here, Auntie Erin,” Ryan said, handing her a glob of dough. “You have to make it into candy cane shapes.”
As she got closer, she realized that they had white and red dough that they were making into ropes and then twisting into a candy cane shape.
“Candy cane cookies?” she asked. “I haven’t had these in ages.”
“You used to make these cookies—”
When we were married. At least that’s what Erin thought Lance was about to say. He used to tell her that they were his favorite cookies. His grandmother had made them for him. And Erin, wanting to do something nice for him, had made them. Personally she’d never liked them. But she’d always made them for Lance. She hadn’t made them since their divorce. There wasn’t any point given that Lance had been the only one who’d liked them. She should have known this would have been his default choice. It just hadn’t occurred to her how much that choice would affect her.
It was strange, remembering the simple thing she’d done for him to put that look of happiness on his face. He might not understand the big deal about Christmas but, for Erin, the big deal, at least in terms of why all this meant so much to her, was that there was nothing like the expression of joy on someone’s face when they realized that you’d taken the time to think of them and do something special for them.
Erin, who had spent so much of her life as the middle child, not being noticed in the same way as her siblings, liked to make sure everyone felt noticed. Important. And Christmas was the perfect time to show people in very special ways what they meant to her.
Lance might think her vision of the perfect Christmas was silly, but he’d never been as sentimental as she was.
While she had never intended for Lance to remain a part of her holiday traditions, God had him there for a reason. Even though she hadn’t been able to think of any sort of peace he might need from her or she from him, obviously God had something different in mind for this holiday season. She just prayed that whatever it was, when her sisters returned and life was back to normal, it wouldn’t hurt so much to say goodbye to Lance again.
Chapter Three (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
If Lance hadn’t once been married to Erin, he’d have thought her giant Christmas planner a joke. But when it came to Erin and her planners, she was dead serious. The only trouble was, Lance wasn’t sure how he was going to accomplish all the items on her list. It was tempting to simply do the items that were easy and skip the rest, but that would mean Erin would just find a way to do them herself.
And judging from the way her face scrunched up in pain when she tried to stretch the time period between medication, her injury was still bothering her a couple days after the accident. It was to be expected, but not when you were Erin and you had a list.
That was why Lance found himself standing on the front porch, wrapped in winter gear after picking up the boys from school. It had remained cold enough after the snow that Erin was determined to check off one of the items on her list—sledding.
The boys ran out from the barn, carrying an old sled. “Here it is, Uncle Lance.”
Erin came stomping onto the porch. To go outside, Lance had layered garbage bags over her boot to keep her foot dry, but it made it more difficult for her to maneuver.
“That hill over there is good for sledding,” she said, pointing to a nice area in front of the house. “I can stay here on the porch and watch you guys.”
She didn’t look happy about it and he didn’t blame her. After all, sledding was fun. They’d often gone with friends to a giant hill near their house. The passing thought brought an ache to his heart.
A few months before Erin had gotten pregnant they’d gone sledding together. It had been the most wonderful day and Lance could still remember cuddling by the crackling fire with Erin, talking about how someday they’d bring their kids to do the same.
Only it hadn’t ever happened.
Lily had died before she was old enough to enjoy the giant sledding hill.
He glanced over at Erin. Did she remember?
Maybe it didn’t matter to her the way it did to him. But remembering, at least for him, was what made it so difficult to move on and find peace. It was easy to go on with his life, being angry with Erin. However his anger was only part of the story. The other part was the great love he’d once had for her and not understanding how it could so easily be gone. How she could just walk away from it. And why, as much as she had hurt him, he could still cling to those memories and wish things had turned out differently.
Dylan handed him the sled. Even though it wouldn’t have been Lance’s first choice, it looked safe enough. Lance glanced over at Erin.
She gave him a smile and gestured at the hill. “Go on. I don’t know why, but it’s always seemed to me that sledding makes it more Christmassy. We don’t always have enough snow around Christmas, so I’m excited to give the boys a chance.”
Erin sat on the chair he’d brought out for her then took the camera from around her neck and held it up. “Leah will be sad to have missed it, but I’ll get some great pictures for her.”
When they’d been married, Erin had often told him that a picture couldn’t replace being there. She’d been angry with him for all the time he’d spent at work. In their fights leading up to the divorce, she’d mentioned it more than once. Their daughter had just died and she’d wanted to rub it in about all the things he’d missed.
Maybe she was right. But he’d been doing his best, trying to provide a life for their family. He’d always thought that as the business grew, and Lily got older, it would be easier to take the time off that he needed. He just hadn’t counted on not having the opportunity to watch his daughter grow up. He’d never thought that the someday he’d been counting on wouldn’t ever come.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at the boys. They had picked up some snow and were tossing small snowballs at each other.
Erin must have sensed where his attention had gone. “It’s okay. We’ve talked to the boys about safety and they know it’s okay to throw snowballs, as long as they’re little ones and you have the other person’s permission.”
She sounded so prim as she spoke, the great rule enforcer. But the two of them had gotten into enough snowball fights of their own that Lance knew Erin didn’t always fight fair.
He bent and picked up a little bit of snow, carefully shaping it into a ball as he walked toward her.
“Don’t tell me that’s for me,” she said, looking at him sternly. “You wouldn’t harm a poor, defenseless woman, would you?”
He grinned. “That’s never stopped you before.”
Erin glanced over at the boys. “That was in the past. And my sisters and I have agreed that all our snowball fights would be fair.”
Lance could attest to the sheer brutality of their competitiveness when it came to games and things like snowball fights. That was odd, considering how well they all got along otherwise. If the brothers took after the sisters, Lance could see why they would need to institute rules on fairness.
“But I’m not your sister,” he said, coming closer.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
Until that moment he hadn’t been planning on using the snowball against her. But there was something about the gleam in her eyes that felt like an irresistible dare.
He tossed the snowball in her direction. It hit her square in the chest.
Erin jumped up. “You’re going to regret that.”
She hobbled over to the porch railing and grabbed some of the snow that was still there. It was good snow. The soft, fluffy kind that made for easy packing. It would have been easy to walk away, or at least to dodge her attack. But it had been a long time since Lance had seen that look in her eyes and he’d be a fool if he didn’t admit that it was one of the most beautiful things he’d seen in a long time. It wasn’t that Erin was pretty. Because pretty wasn’t the right word for her. There was something strong, fierce and incredibly awe-inspiring in her eyes. The expression was what had attracted him to Erin in the first place, because he knew that if you were fortunate enough to have the love of a woman like that, you had more than most men ever dreamed of.
A snowball hit him smack in the face.
That was a good reminder of the downside to loving a woman like Erin.
Lance picked up another handful of snow. Erin scooped more from the railing.
“Do you really want to do this?” she asked. “Because I will win.”
Snowballs went sailing at the same time and while Erin’s hit him square in the chest, his missed.
“You still want to mess with me?” she asked.
“Uncle Lance!” Dylan came running to him. “When we were in the house getting ready, you said we couldn’t get Aunt Erin. The snow will hurt her cast.”
Ryan followed his brother. “You can’t get Auntie!”
The boys both picked up snow and made snowballs that they tossed directly at Lance.
The snow hit Lance with a resounding thud. Erin laughed. “That’s what you get for breaking the rules.”
Lance shook his head as he brushed the snow off. “I can definitely see where I didn’t think that idea through well enough.”
“You should say you’re sorry and give her a hug,” Dylan said, looking at him sternly.
When he looked at Erin, she was still wiping tears of mirth from her eyes and Lance didn’t think she’d heard the little boy.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, buddy,” Lance said.
Innocent eyes looked up at him. “Why not? Mom says hugs are always a good idea,” Dylan said. Then Dylan frowned. “Unless the person doesn’t want a hug, and then you should respect their wishes. But auntie loves hugs.”
As if his lecture settled the matter, both Dylan and Ryan ran to Erin and hugged her. Erin smiled as she looked over their heads at him. “I do love hugs,” she said. “But we don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable. At least now you know that we take our rules very seriously here, and you shouldn’t even think about messing with me.”
Her tone was light and there was understanding in her eyes. He’d been trying to have fun, they both had, but it was amazing how even the smallest things became difficult reminders of their complicated past. Maybe, even though it seemed like they were both trying to move forward, making peace wasn’t as easy as his therapist had led him to believe.
So what did peace look like? What did it mean to come to terms with both their daughter’s death and their divorce?
Maybe, as the boys ran back to their sled, it wasn’t a question they needed to settle right this very minute.
Lance grinned at Erin. “I will be expecting a rematch once you’re healed.”
“You’re on,” she said, laughing.
That was the other thing he’d loved, and missed, about Erin. Her laugh. She had one of the most beautiful, most contagious, laughs of anyone he’d ever met. The kind that made you feel absolutely comfortable and at ease because you knew she was laughing with you, not at you.
“Uncle Lance!” Dylan held up the sled.
“Go,” Erin said. “The boys have been really excited about today. I’ve been promising them for weeks that as soon as we got a good snow, we’d go sledding.”
And every day since her accident, she’d put them off. Or rather, he’d put them off. As he jogged over to the boys, he realized he’d been working hard at keeping his distance, trying not to let how they had so easily taken to calling him “Uncle Lance” or how they automatically included him in everything, be caught in his heart.
Was there a way for him to maintain a relationship with them once he left? He took the sled from Dylan and carried it the rest of the way up the hill. It wasn’t much of a hill, just a gentle, sloping space that would allow the boys the enjoyment of sledding but not the high-speed thrills he and Erin used to chase after.
They’d had a lot of fun together. Funny how it had taken being apart almost two years to remember it.
The boys got on the sled and Lance gave them a small push to send them sailing down the hill. He ran after them, letting their laughter warm his heart.
It was going to be impossible not to find himself attached. It hadn’t hurt as much leaving the boys behind the first time; he’d been too deep in his own grief to understand how big a part of his life they were.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the edge of the sled hit a tiny bump and sent the boys flying. Even though they were laughing, Lance ran over to make sure they were okay.
“Again!” Ryan chortled, jumping up and running toward him.
Dylan picked up the sled and followed his brother. “That was awesome. We probably flew a hundred feet in the air.”
They hadn’t flown at all, but the boys’ excitement made him smile. After losing Lily and Erin, Lance had vowed not to remarry or have children. He’d jokingly told people that he was married to his company and that it was enough. But as the snowy boys rushed at him with open arms, he thought that perhaps he might have been too hasty. He found his work rewarding, but no one from the office ever ran around giving him hugs. Not only would it be inappropriate, as much as he liked the people he worked with, he hadn’t ever felt like hugging any of them.
He looked up from the boys and over at Erin as she watched. She set the camera down and waved at him. Lance waved back, feeling like a schoolboy as he noticed her shining eyes. She might not have been able to join in on the fun, but she was clearly enjoying herself.
“Come on, Uncle Lance.” Dylan tugged on his pants, so he grabbed the sled and they made the trek back up the hill. He used to laugh at all the people who talked about living for the moment; he’d never understood why they weren’t planning for their futures. But now he almost understood. He should have kept his distance, knowing that the inevitable goodbye was coming. As he got the boys situated on the sled for another trip down the hill, he pushed aside his worries for the future and sent the boys sailing again.
Maybe he’d lost his chance to be a dad, and he wouldn’t remain an uncle much longer, but for now it was enough. He’d find a way to deal with the inevitable pain later.
Even though Erin hadn’t been able to do any sledding, she’d had enough fun just watching everyone. It had been a long time since she’d seen Lance let loose like that. Everything since Lily had been born was about being responsible and doing the right thing. It was funny how he liked to mock her lists, but he had a similar need for organization and control.
When they’d met, Lance had been one of the most fun people she’d ever been around besides her sisters. They used to have wild adventures together—not the crazy college-party thing, but things like hiking and camping or sledding. She didn’t think Lance had been sledding since before Lily was born. He hadn’t wanted to go without her and he’d always been so busy at work. He used to tell her that he was working hard for Lily’s future. But what good was the future if you didn’t take the time to enjoy the present? Did he regret all the time he’d spent at work instead of with their family?
The sun was getting low in the sky, which meant they only had a little bit of daylight left to feed the horses and take care of the other chores. Shane had brought his horses over while they were on their honeymoon so Erin wouldn’t have to go back and forth. At the time she’d thought it was a needless effort. But now she was glad.
“Time to come in,” she called when Lance and the boys got to the bottom of the hill for what had to be the thousandth time.
They came to her, disappointment overshadowing their laughter.
“Do you think we can do it again tomorrow?” Dylan asked.
“We’ll see,” she said. “Right now, we need to feed the animals.”
The trouble with having broken limbs was that the animals didn’t know any differently. They still had to be cared for. One more thing Erin had to give credit to Lance for. Despite his lack of experience, he’d still jumped in to do everything that was needed. The boys ran past her to the barn, already knowing their jobs. They would get out the hose and refill the water while Lance took care of the hay.
Lance stayed behind, walking alongside her. “You’re not too tired, are you? I didn’t mean for us to stay out so long. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun.”
She turned and smiled at him. “I’m glad. I was just thinking that it must’ve been a long time since you’ve been sledding.”
He nodded slowly. “Not since that last time before Lily was born.”
He stopped, holding her back slightly. “What went wrong with us? I keep thinking about that day and how much in love we were, and I don’t understand how we lost it so easily. What happened to all those plans of forever?”
A lot of things. But when she’d pointed them out to him in counseling, he’d bristled, telling her it wasn’t fair to blame him for her decision to leave. When she’d pushed too hard, he’d ended the conversation. So what could she say now? He’d come here, looking for peace after their divorce. Even though she had her own part in their relationship breakdown, she knew that until he accepted what he’d done wrong in the marriage, he wouldn’t be able to find that peace.
“Sometimes having fun and being in love isn’t enough to make a marriage work,” she said finally.
He gave her the same confused look he’d given her when she’d asked for the divorce. “Then what? What else does a marriage need?”
The boys couldn’t be left unattended in the barn for too long. Nicole’s horse, Snookie, while much better trained than she’d been when they’d first gotten her, was still uncomfortable around children. The boys knew not to go near her, but that didn’t mean they always listened.
Erin took another step toward the barn. “Every marriage is different. And I know, after everything you’ve done to help me the past few days, I owe you a better explanation. But I need to make sure the boys are safe. So I’ll tell you what. One of these nights, when the boys are in bed, you and I can have some hot chocolate and we’ll talk. I may not totally have the answers you’re looking for, but I can at least tell you what else I needed, if that’s something you’re open to hearing.”
He started for the barn. “You’re right. I wasn’t even thinking about the boys.”
He shook his head slowly then stopped again. “This is why I don’t do emotions. You used to always get on me about that, wanting to know how I felt. But here I am, feeling things I don’t understand, and I’ve already lost sight of what’s important.” Not waiting for an answer, he continued toward the barn.
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Danica Favorite
Making peace with the past… Is this the first step to their second chance? Lance Drummond doesn’t do Christmas…not after the tragic loss of his daughter and the painful divorce that followed. But when his ex-wife, Erin, is injured, Lance moves in temporarily to help her make the holidays perfect for her nephews. Amid all the merrymaking, Lance realises he’s falling for Erin again. After so much heartache, can love bring them back together?
Making peace with the past...
’Tis the season for forgiveness...
Is this the first step to their second chance?
Lance Drummond doesn’t do Christmas…not after the tragic loss of his daughter or the painful divorce that followed. But when his ex-wife, Erin, is injured, Lance moves in temporarily to help her make the holidays perfect for her nephews. Amid all the merrymaking, Lance realizes he’s falling for Erin again. After so much heartache, can love bring them back together?
Three Sisters Ranch
DANICA FAVORITE loves the adventure of living a creative life. She loves to explore the depths of human nature and follow people on the journey to happily-ever-after. Though the journey is often bumpy, those bumps refine imperfect characters as they live the life God created them for. Oops, that just spoiled the ending of Danica’s stories. Then again, getting there is all the fun. Find her at danicafavorite.com (http://www.danicafavorite.com).
Also By Danica Favorite (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
Three Sisters Ranch
Her Cowboy Inheritance
The Cowboy’s Faith
His Christmas Redemption
Rocky Mountain Dreams
The Lawman’s Redemption
Shotgun Marriage
The Nanny’s Little Matchmakers
For the Sake of the Children
An Unlikely Mother
Mistletoe Mommy
Honor-Bound Lawman
Discover more at millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk).
His Christmas Redemption
Danica Favorite
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
ISBN: 978-1-474-09923-3
HIS CHRISTMAS REDEMPTION
© 2019 Danica Favorite
Published in Great Britain 2019
by Mills & Boon, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF
All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. This edition is published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, locations and incidents are purely fictional and bear no relationship to any real life individuals, living or dead, or to any actual places, business establishments, locations, events or incidents. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental.
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Note to Readers (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
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Text to speech
“You’d make a good dad.
“Why didn’t you and Aunt Erin have more kids?”
If it hadn’t been a nine-year-old kid asking him that question, Lance might’ve lashed out. Instead, Lance gave him a squeeze, trying to find the right words without breaking down. Out of the corner of his eye, Lance glanced at Erin. A tear ran down her cheek, and he watched as she quickly brushed it away.
Lance gave Dylan another squeeze. “Thank you. That’s high praise, coming from a wise kid. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you leave these grown-up matters to the grown-ups?”
When he’d come to the ranch, he’d been angry with Erin for suggesting that she might find love again and start a new family. But the longing on her face after Dylan’s comment was real. He’d made Lily’s loss all about him, but after last night, and now, he could see how wrong he’d been.
But he hadn’t been able to be the man she’d wanted then...needed then. So what made him think he could be now?
Dear Reader (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06),
Christmas is a hard season for some people, because while it is supposed to be a time of joy, for some, it is a reminder of pain and loss.
Grief takes many forms, and people express that grief differently. Erin and Lance deal with the loss of their daughter differently, but in the end, the thing they need the most is each other. We are better together when we can share the burdens of our heart.
As you enter the Christmas season, I pray that you will find peace and joy. For those of you who are reminded of your grief this time of year, I pray the Lord will bring you comfort. For those of you who are filled with the holiday spirit, be on the lookout for those who might need a little extra love. If we remember the spirit of love, and share that love with one another, we can make the holiday brighter for everyone.
I love connecting with my readers, so be sure to find me online:
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Website: www.danicafavorite.com (http://www.danicafavorite.com)
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May the blessings of the Lord be with you,
Danica Favorite
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
—Matthew 5:4
To Connor Dugan, you have become such an important part of our family. You have walked alongside us through some good times and some hard ones, as well. You mean the world to us, and I’m so grateful for all you’ve done for us. Not just as a horseman, but as a friend. We love you.
Contents
Cover (#u0541057f-ad37-5b97-9b1a-fb99c1a6dc55)
Back Cover Text (#u34577202-9c87-5fac-96fe-0f352ac21500)
About the Author (#u15b3493f-7785-5bd3-b084-22fe2322e11f)
Booklist (#u356624c3-4d2a-5d66-9fba-29dd1bde66f9)
Title Page (#u3623d6f5-7c73-5dea-92ba-12a54a5f8c23)
Copyright (#udf4b0a76-6b97-5478-b0cf-e36153db6312)
Note to Readers
Introduction (#ue98e0d22-5d7a-5beb-b3c9-af39b78f7574)
Dear Reader (#u65b3e6cd-63b7-56bd-81a7-70af8d55a95e)
Bible Verse (#u94a598d8-eb9e-5dbc-aca8-b8624ab68eb3)
Dedication (#u28f8156f-ea72-5281-a7e1-d2fe4979690b)
Chapter One (#ud2b8df21-7ea3-5e1e-aaed-f514ccd74373)
Chapter Two (#u15e4780a-153b-510d-ae42-b3d5536d7705)
Chapter Three (#uf5337189-47ab-5f32-aed2-424273ce3578)
Chapter Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
Lance Drummond had never expected to find himself on his ex-wife’s doorstep. But he’d also never expected that his entire future would hinge upon her. At least not since their divorce. After all, they’d divorced for a reason. Not his reasons, but when someone told you they didn’t want to be married to you anymore, and counseling wasn’t working, the gentlemanly thing to do was to let that person out.
Besides, wasn’t there a saying that if you loved someone, you should set them free? He’d set Erin free, but sometimes his heart told him he was the biggest of all fools. Not just in letting her go, but for still wanting her in the first place. He’d had reasons of his own to want out of the marriage. But where he came from, when you made someone a promise before God and your family, you kept it. He might not have a great relationship with God these days, but he still didn’t think it was a good idea to break the promises you made Him. So here he was, knocking on the front door of a woman who’d given up on him, needing her help and not sure how to ask for it.
The door opened and a familiar but much more mature face peered out. “Uncle Lance? What are you doing here? Aunt Erin said you guys got divorced.”
That was one of the worst things about divorce. It wasn’t just about losing the partner who promised to stand by you, no matter what, but also losing extended family you’d grown to love. Like his nephew Dylan. He and Dylan had spent a lot of time together in the past, and the little guy, though not so little anymore at nine years old, used to follow him around.
Lance shook his head. He couldn’t think about those happy times. Not when they were lost to him and he would never get them back.
“We did, bud. But I need to talk to Erin about some things. If she’s home.”
The details were fuzzy when it came to what was going on with Erin and her sisters, Nicole and Leah. Based on the few conversations he’d had with her, they’d inherited some ranch from a relative he’d never heard of and moved to this tiny town of Columbine Springs, in the middle of nowhere Colorado, to make a go of ranching. It had been none of his business, but it seemed kind of foolish for them to pursue something like that when none of them knew the first thing about ranches. But here they were, a year and a half later, and they’d stuck it out.
How they were making it, he wasn’t sure. Erin had called him a few times since their divorce, asking if they could revisit the idea of selling the house they still jointly owned because she needed the money. The most recent call came a couple of weeks ago, but he’d refused, as always.
Why would she think he’d ever be willing to sell?
The house was technically marital property, which the court said had to be split evenly between them, even though he’d paid for most of it. Erin had said he could take his time with either selling the house or buying her out.
One day he’d have the money to buy her out and then his last tie to Erin would be severed.
Dylan held the door open wider. “She’s in the kitchen.”
Leaving the door open, Dylan ran in the direction of the other room. Though the outside of the house wasn’t yet decorated, stepping inside was like entering a Christmas nightmare. Erin and her sisters had always loved the holiday and, when they’d been married, her need to decorate to the hilt had been one of their common disagreements. He hated the commercialism and constant need for more, and she bought every sparkly Christmas item she set her eyes on. She used to want to start decorating as early as possible, but he’d always made her wait until after Thanksgiving.
How early had she started this year? He shook his head. None of his business.
Erin appeared in the doorway, wiping her hands on a towel. Her dark hair was up in a ponytail with random hairs that spilled out all over in the crazy way they did when she was working hard on a project. He shouldn’t care about her appearance or how life had been treating her over the past two years. And yet he couldn’t help thinking about how good she looked. Happy. Healthy.
Part of him was happy for her. But another part of him wanted to scream at her and ask how she could be doing so well after everything that had happened.
“Lance. What brings you here? Have you finally decided to sell the house?”
“No. But I do need to talk to you about something else. Can we go somewhere private to talk?”
Erin looked around for a moment then shook her head. “I’m afraid not. Leah and Nicole are both on their honeymoons, so I’m taking care of the boys until they get back.”
Lance stared at her for a moment. Leah and Nicole on honeymoons?
“Didn’t Leah’s husband and Nicole’s fiancé just die?”
Erin shrugged. “It’s been more than two years since Leah’s husband died, and it’s coming up on two years since Nicole’s fiancé died. I’d like to think that they’ve earned their chance to be happy. They’re both very good men, and the double wedding ceremony was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Maybe some people think two years is too soon, but when the heart finds what it’s looking for, why make it wait longer?”
The longing in her voice was like a knife to his stomach. “Does that mean you’ve moved on, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “Please don’t tell me you came all this way to ask about my dating life. It’s none of your business. But if you must know, I haven’t given up on the idea of falling in love again and having a family.”
Having a family? How could she think about that now?
“What about...?” He left a long pause. He hadn’t spoken their daughter’s name in months and barely at all over the past couple of years. Not since she’d died. Even now just thinking about her put his stomach in knots.
“It doesn’t make me love Lily any less,” she said, emphasizing Lily’s name, like she knew how much it still hurt him to hear it. That was why they could never go back, why he hadn’t fought Erin on the divorce. They hadn’t seen eye to eye on how to move forward after the tragedy and this, the first conversation they’d had about it in two years, only made it more obvious.
Erin gave him a gentle smile. “Her death was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, but her life was the best. You can’t have life without death, and it’s worth the pain of death to enjoy the beauty of life.”
That was why he’d never been able to talk to her about any of it. Losing their daughter had hurt so much that all he’d wanted to do was to yell and scream or punch something. But she would just go on with her ridiculous notions about thinking positive and those weird Bible verses about hope. Hope wouldn’t bring their daughter back. He supposed that was the only way Erin could deal with the pain, considering it was her fault their daughter had died.
Erin stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm. “Is that why you’re here? To fight with me over the past, because somehow fighting keeps it, and Lily, alive?”
Her touch burned his arm, but much as he wanted to shove her away and tell her she didn’t understand, it also felt so good that he wanted to stay like this forever. That was the trouble with sorting out his feelings over their daughter’s death and their failed marriage. He hated Erin on so many levels, but somehow he couldn’t stop loving her.
When he didn’t answer, she continued. “I know you’re struggling with moving on. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t like the therapist we went to, but maybe you should consider talking to someone else. It’s not healthy for you to still be so stuck in the past.”
He stepped away. If one more person said that to him, he would... Well, he didn’t know what he would do, but it was like an explosion building up inside him, only there wasn’t any place for it to go.
“I am seeing a therapist,” he said. “That’s why I’m here. I’m supposed to talk to you and make peace with what happened between us.”
That wasn’t all of it, but for now it would have to be enough. He wasn’t even sure that he knew what making peace meant. His counselor said that it was different for everyone, but Lance had to find a way to make the feelings of agony inside his stomach go away and for him to stop talking of Erin and their past with such bitterness. One more thing he didn’t know how to accomplish, but the counselor had suggested that talking to Erin might give him a path to figuring it out.
He wasn’t sure how much he was going to tell her yet, though. His business partner, Chad Maxwell, was threatening to force him out if he didn’t get a counselor to sign off on his mental health. According to Chad, Lance’s grief was keeping him from adequately performing his duties in helping him run the outdoor gear company they’d built together from the ground up.
Erin hated the company, and hated Chad even more. She had no idea what either of them meant to Lance, which had been a huge source of conflict in their marriage. So to tell her that he needed this to keep Chad from forcing him out would probably only give her more reason to show him the door.
She gave a casual shrug as if none of it mattered. “I’m at peace with you. I’ve got nothing against you, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time moving forward, but I don’t know what that has to do with me.”
Before he could answer, a little boy came running into the room. “Auntie Erin! I finished painting my snowman!”
As it dawned on him who the boy was, all the air rushed out of Lance’s lungs. Ryan. The little boy was just a few months younger than their daughter had been. He was four now, and Lily...eternally two. Ryan had once been a fixture in their home, and even though the kids had been young, they’d been close. Lance had once loved the little boy like his own. This pain was deeper than what he’d felt at seeing Dylan.
“Who is that?” Ryan asked.
It did not seem right that Ryan didn’t remember him.
“This is Lance and he’s...” Erin didn’t finish her sentence, like she didn’t how to explain their relationship to the little boy.
Dylan joined them. “That’s Uncle Lance.”
Ryan looked confused. “How do we have an uncle Lance? Aunt Nicole is married to Uncle Nando, so did you get married, too?”
Erin let out a long sigh. “He’s not my husband anymore.”
Obviously they didn’t spend much time rehashing family history. Did Erin think of him at all? Of their daughter? She’d moved on and built this happy little life without them.
“Why not?” Ryan’s innocent question made Lance feel sick.
She looked uncomfortable and for that he was glad. At least she showed signs of the divorce having some impact on her.
Lance was supposed to be there to find peace, to get closure on this part of his life so he could move on with his future. Erin seemed to have done that, but instead of making him feel better, it only made him feel worse.
Lance had picked a fine time to decide to make peace with her about the past. If he wanted it so badly, why hadn’t he just gone ahead and put their house on the market, like she’d asked him to a couple of weeks ago? This was not a discussion she wanted to have in front of the boys, and as Ryan still looked at her expectantly about why she wasn’t married anymore, Erin had no idea what to say.
Finally she squatted beside Ryan and put her arm around him. “It’s one of those complicated grown-up things,” she said. “We used to be married and now we’re not.”
Ryan tilted his head. “Why not? When Mom and Dad got married, Dad promised he would love us forever and ever and ever, and he would never leave us. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you get married? How can you not be married anymore?”
Erin sighed. This wasn’t an easy topic for a four-year-old to understand. Especially since Leah, his mom, and Shane, his new dad, had just gotten married. It was easy to believe in forever on the day you spoke those vows. But tragedy had a way of changing things. How to explain those complications to a boy who’d been part of a wedding where he was finally getting an amazing dad?
“In most cases, yes. But sometimes bad things happen and the best thing is for both of you to go your separate ways.”
Ryan gave her a funny look. “That’s not what Mom says. Mom says you have to work together to figure it out. Even if it’s hard, Mom says it’s worth it in the end to work through your problems. Just like I did with Dylan when he broke my fire truck.”
She was rusty at this parenting thing. Being an aunt was so much easier.
Even though they’d all been living in this house together after moving here a year and a half ago, and before that, crammed into Nicole’s tiny apartment when Erin had left Lance two years ago, they had been an extended family for as long as Ryan had been alive. Erin tried just to be the boys’ aunt and not their mom. This whole conversation felt like a mom discussion, but Leah was on her honeymoon.
So she took a deep breath and prayed that she was using the right words, especially since she could feel Lance’s eyes boring into her, demanding that she answer not just for Ryan, but for him. He hadn’t wanted the divorce, and it was clear, from his presence, he still didn’t understand. But how were you supposed to keep explaining that you couldn’t handle being blamed for your daughter’s death? Or that he’d been too emotionally unavailable to work through their shared grief together? And why would he want to remain married to her, believing that about her?
Erin hugged Ryan close to her. “You’re right. People should try to work out their problems. Lance and I tried very hard to do so, but unfortunately it didn’t work.”
She didn’t look at Lance as she spoke the words, knowing it would probably just set him off. He didn’t want to hear about her pain, but he’d needed someone to blame and be angry at. That’s what their counselor had said.
Lance didn’t seem angry now, though. Just...lost.
Erin wasn’t sure she was the right person to help him find his way again.
Thinking about that time gave her an idea as to how to explain it to Ryan, though. “You remember how you guys went to a counselor when we first came here? Then again, once your mom and Shane decided to get married? Sometimes counselors help you fix things, but sometimes they show you things are too broken to be fixed.”
Lance made a strangled noise and Erin looked up to see the sadness in his eyes. He’d stormed out of so many of their counseling sessions. Did he understand just how much of that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage?
It didn’t matter. They were divorced now and whatever peace Lance was looking for, she hoped he found it. Even if she wasn’t part of that solution.
However her words seemed to resonate with Ryan, who nodded. “I didn’t know they did that. Does this mean he can’t play with me?”
She looked over at Lance, who seemed extremely uncomfortable. After Lily’s death, he couldn’t stand being around Ryan, who had spent so much time with them. When things were really bad with Jason, Leah’s late husband, Leah would often leave the boys with Erin. In some ways, Ryan and Lily had been like brother and sister.
“I’m not sure if he knows how to play your games,” Erin said. “Besides, we have to finish making and putting up our Christmas decorations.” Hopefully it would give Lance a way out without looking or feeling like a jerk.
“He could help,” Ryan offered.
Given that Erin and her sisters used to jokingly call Lance “the Grinch” because of how he’d make fun of all their Christmas merriment and holiday décor everywhere, asking him to help would probably be the quickest way to get rid of him.
“That’s a great idea,” Erin said, looking over at Lance. “We haven’t gotten the outside lights up yet, and I was wondering how I’d do that all by myself.”
Was it wrong of her to get a sick thrill at the look of horror on his face?
As his brow furrowed, she couldn’t help smiling. Lance was as good as gone.
Not that she necessarily had anything against him. But what did they have to say to one another anymore? He’d made it clear he didn’t want to sell the house.
“I guess I could lend a hand,” Lance finally said, sounding like he’d rather have all his toenails pulled out one by one.
Whatever this making peace business was about, it had to be big.
“Great,” Erin said, gesturing to a large box in the hall. “If you don’t mind carrying that outside, I’ll grab a ladder.”
When she returned to the front porch, carrying the ladder, Lance had already opened the box of lights and was looking through them.
“You’re going to need to test them,” he said.
“Already did that during our Christmas movie marathon over Thanksgiving.”
Lance groaned and Erin grinned. Most families were into football games and parades, but Erin and her sisters hated sports, so they’d created their own tradition by watching their favorite Christmas movies. This year their tradition had been slightly abbreviated since they’d been busy with wedding preparations for her sisters’ early December wedding.
All their decorating energy had been poured into the wedding and they hadn’t had time to get to the house.
That left the job to Erin. She was hoping that by the time her sisters got back from their respective honeymoons in two weeks, the entire place would be transformed into a Christmas wonderland.
As Erin got the ladder situated on the corner of the porch, she couldn’t help smiling as she pictured their faces at seeing how Erin had made it their best yet. They’d had so many terrible Christmases over the past few years, with Erin’s tragedy and the troubles of Leah’s previous marriage. Prior to that, growing up under the iron fist of their father, the Colonel—a man who made Scrooge look like a humanitarian—Christmas hadn’t been a joyous occasion in their home. She and her sisters had always promised each other that when they were finally on their own, and had the means to do so, they were going to have the most amazing Christmases ever.
Last year, things had looked like they were going to finally work out for them after all their tragedies. But Erin had gotten sick, and many of their plans had fallen through. This year Erin was determined. After all these years of waiting, her family would finally have the perfect Christmas they’d always dreamed of. She’d put together a whole binder for the family’s perfect Christmas, listing everything they were going to do to celebrate the holiday. She and the boys had spent all afternoon making more decorations, and while they may not be like the ones people bought in stores, her sisters would love knowing how the boys had helped.
She gestured to the string of lights Lance had started unwinding. “Can you hand me that one? And the stapler that’s in the box?”
As he handed them to her, he said, “You want me to do that? I used to always...”
He used to always be the one to hang the lights. And at some point during the process, he’d grumpily tell her that she was using more than she had the previous year and that it was a good thing he loved her. They’d end up laughing and kissing, and even though he hated her decorations, it had made her feel so loved that he’d indulged her anyway.
“I learned how to do it myself,” she said, taking the stapler in one hand and the lights in the other.
The pain in his eyes told her that he remembered their past, too.
Maybe whatever peace he had to make with her would be good for them both. She’d thought she was over him. After all their conversations once they decided to divorce, she’d thought about how good it was that they were divorced because they could never agree on anything.
But the thing was, even when they’d disagreed during their marriage, they’d often found ways to compromise, making sure the other person had what they needed. Somehow they’d lost that.
As Erin attached the lights to the edge of the roof, she wondered how she could convince Lance to understand that selling the house wasn’t about forgetting their daughter. It hadn’t meant anything to him while she was alive, so why did he have to put so much importance on it now?
Sometimes she thought it was his way of punishing her for Lily’s death. He blamed Erin and, based on their conversations since, he still did. Erin had fallen asleep while Lily napped and hadn’t heard Lily wake up. Nor had she heard Lily open the door and go outside. Erin had been so deeply asleep that she hadn’t realized her daughter had drowned in the creek until hours later, after discovering Lily missing. A search party had found the body.
She should have done a better job getting Lily to understand the dangers of playing by the creek. The little girl had been fascinated by the rushing water and went there every chance she got. Erin should have double-checked the lock on the door to make sure it was locked. She should have told Lance she wasn’t feeling well and that was why she hadn’t wanted him going back to work that day, instead of picking a fight with him and complaining that he spent more time at work than with his family. She should have...
Erin wiped a tear from her face. So many should haves, and not one would bring their daughter back. Nor would it bring back the baby she’d been carrying at the time. She hadn’t even had the chance to tell Lance, which was probably a good thing since he’d likely blame her for that loss, as well. More moisture hit her face and she realized it wasn’t tears. The storm forecast to hit tonight was blowing in earlier than expected. Just a few more feet and she’d have this part done.
“Hey,” Lance called up. “It’s starting to snow. Maybe you should save this for another day.”
“I know,” she said. “I just need to finish this section.”
He made a noise like he always did when he was going to argue, but he didn’t say anything.
A few more snowflakes hit her face and a gust of wind blew the string still hanging. If she didn’t get it secured, the storm would likely rip the whole thing off and not only would she have to redo the lights, she’d probably have to buy new ones. They’d made that mistake last year when they started decorating early in the season.
She put an extra couple of staples in the section then climbed down. “Help me move this so I can get the last part.”
Lance made his annoyed noise again. “Why don’t you let me do it?”
Maybe it was petty, but this was typical Lance, not approving of her actions but then stepping in to do it for her to show how magnanimous he was.
“I’ve got it, thanks,” she said, moving the ladder and returning to her position.
“It’ll take you two trips up and down and moving the ladder again. I’ve got a longer reach.”
Technically true. But she was already up.
The first staple went in strong and satisfying. That was the other reason she wanted to do this. Maybe it would help him make peace with the past to see just how much she no longer needed him. As Erin pulled the next section of lights toward her, reaching to where she wanted to place it, her foot slipped. The metal ladder was getting slippery with the snow coming down. She probably should have let Lance do this one. He’d been right about her reach and she wouldn’t risk another trip up and down again.
Maybe if she secured the end instead of leaving it hanging loose, she could come back another day and re-fasten it. She tugged at the end, which had gotten caught on one of the rungs.
“Be careful,” Lance said.
She pulled on the end again, trying to angle it out of where it was caught. Her trick worked, freeing the strand.
She spied one of the hooks they’d used last year to put wooden cutouts on the roof. The cutouts hadn’t lasted beyond the first storm, but this remaining hook was perfect for looping the last of the string and securing it. However, as she reached for it, her foot slipped again. It wasn’t until she was on her way to the ground that she realized just how seriously she’d misjudged the distance.
Her arm holding the stapler hit the ladder and it seemed weird to notice that she was still holding her stapler. Especially since, when she hit the ground, she was pretty sure there were three Lances staring down at her.
Lance had gotten Erin to the hospital as quickly as he could. It was obvious, even without a doctor looking at it, she’d likely broken both her right arm and her left foot. Based on some of the strange things she’d said, he was also pretty sure she had a concussion. As an avid outdoorsman, he was well-versed in first aid.
The boys had brought along some books and games. It was hard watching them interact and wondering if this could have been his life, too. He and Erin had planned on having other children, but they hadn’t been so fortunate, and maybe that was for the best.
Ryan came over and handed him a book. “Will you read to me? I’m bored with coloring.”
The little boy didn’t wait for a response but climbed up into his lap. “You might not be my uncle anymore, but I like you. I hope you do the voices better than Uncle Nando.”
Was it getting warmer in the waiting room? His throat felt like sandpaper as he opened the book and tried to read. How hard was it to say “The Amazing World of Dinosaurs”? But it physically hurt his throat to try.
“You can read, can’t you?” Ryan asked. He pointed to a word. “That one says ‘dinosaur.’ Dylan says I just have it memorized because I read so many dinosaur books. But I actually know how to read. Not all the words, because I haven’t gone to school yet. Just preschool.”
Maybe Lance should have put on one of those masks they offered at the front door to help stop the spread of germs. He was obviously coming down with something.
“I can read. ‘The Amazing World of Dinosaurs,’” Lance said. “But you already know that.”
Ryan rewarded him with a wide grin and snuggled closer. It had been more than two years since Lance had held a child in his arms. He took a deep breath, inhaling the warm little-boy scent that hadn’t changed all that much. Leah still obviously used the same children’s shampoo.
As he started to read, the tightness in Lance’s chest relaxed. He glanced at Dylan, who looked up from his book and smiled.
They hadn’t gotten very far into their book when the nurse came out.
Lance stood. “Is Erin okay? Can we see her?”
The nurse smiled. “I’m going to bring you back. The doctor would like to keep her overnight for observation. With her injuries, it will be better for her to be where we can watch over her and help her for these first few hours.”
The nurse hesitated then continued. “I’ll be honest. She’s been arguing with us about going home tonight. She is worried about the boys. I asked her if you were a danger to them and she said no. But she’s worried about being an imposition. Is that how you feel about her?”
Erin had said the same thing when she’d first asked him to take her to the hospital. What was he supposed to do, leave an injured woman to figure it out herself? Granted they were no longer married, so he didn’t owe her anything. But he’d like to think he was still a decent human being who would step in to help whenever someone needed it. He let out a long sigh.
“She’s not an imposition. I know she worries about it, but she worries too much. The boys and I will be fine.”
The nurse gave him a relieved smile. “That’s what I thought would be the response because I passed by here a couple of times and watched you with the boys. If you’d like a few minutes alone with her to discuss arrangements, I’d be happy to keep them occupied.”
He helped the boys gather their things and then the nurse led them into the exam room, where Erin was dressed in a hospital gown, her arm in a cast, her leg in a boot and a sour look on her face. “I think they’re overreacting,” she said before he even entered. “I’m fine. I just need to be in my own bed.”
He studied her face. The strained expression of pain was gone, but when he glanced at the IV they’d put in her, he wondered if they’d given her something for it. She’d probably argued about that, as well, but hopefully it would take the edge off so she could feel better.
“Do you remember hitting your head when you fell?” he asked.
She let out a long sigh. “It all happened so fast. There are pieces of my fall I don’t remember.”
“That’s because you have a concussion,” the nurse said, entering the room. She turned to Ryan and Dylan. “I have to go check on the room where your aunt is going to spend the night. Do you boys want to come and give me a hand?”
The boys gave an enthusiastic yes but Lance waited until the door closed behind them before he turned to Erin. “I agree with the nurse that you should spend the night. It’s a lot safer for you if you’re here, especially given that it’s going to be hard getting used to going around in a walking boot, with a cast on your opposite arm, and maintaining your balance.”
Erin let out a long sigh. “I don’t want to be a bother. I’m not your responsibility anymore.”
“Maybe not as my wife, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to help someone in need. The snow hasn’t let up. We’re all better off staying put for the night, rather than trying to make it over the pass. I saw a sign for a hotel just a block or so away. The boys and I can hunker down, and you can get some rest. Driving home tomorrow will be much safer for us all.”
She hated driving in the snow and she hated driving with him in the snow. She thought he drove too fast and took too many risks. He thought she worried too much. He’d never had an accident, but he could use her fear of one to convince her to stay tonight.
“I was worried about that. The roads getting bad, that is.” A weary look crossed her face. “You’re sure you won’t mind taking the boys overnight?”
“I’m not a monster,” he said.
He couldn’t read the expression on her face as she held her free hand out to him. “Come here.”
When he reached her side, she took his hand in hers. “I never thought you were,” she said. “We just...” Erin closed her eyes for a moment. “I needed a different level of connection than you could give me. It doesn’t make either one of us monsters. We’re just not compatible.”
A tear ran down her cheek and, for the first time, he wondered if maybe their divorce had been just as hard on her as it had been on him.
But she’d left him. Any regret she might feel at that action was her fault.
She pulled her hand out of his and wiped at her cheek. “Sorry. The medications they gave me are making me emotional. I know how you hate that. Anyway, my concern over being an imposition is that I don’t want to make you ruin your plans just because of my clumsiness.”
“I don’t have any plans,” he said.
Now would be the perfect time to explain that Chad had essentially relieved him of his duties at work until he could deal with his grief. But Erin yawned as she nodded slowly. Maybe not. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to discuss anything important.
The door opened and the nurse reentered with the boys. “I know you just got to see her, but she does need her rest and visiting hours are almost over. So say your goodbyes and you can see her in the morning.”
Before they could leave, a doctor entered the room. “Good. Your family hasn’t left. I was hoping to catch them.”
He turned to Lance and held out his hand. “Steve Purcell,” he said. “I just want to be sure that when Erin goes home tomorrow, she won’t be going home alone.”
The doctor explained Erin’s injuries to Lance and none of it surprised him. Nor did it come as a shock when the doctor said, “She’s not capable of being on her own right now. I can’t release her unless I know there’s going to be a responsible adult with her in the house to look after the boys. Their mother, perhaps?”
Lance glanced over at Erin, who wore a panicked expression on her face, like she was afraid of what answer he would give.
“The boys’ mother is on her honeymoon,” Lance said, turning his attention back to the doctor.
“Don’t you dare call her.” Erin sat straighter in her bed, whatever grogginess she’d been feeling during their conversation seemingly gone. “Leah has been working really hard to save up for this trip. You can’t ruin it and make her come home early. I’ll be fine. Please.”
It was just like Erin to be worried about ruining Leah’s honeymoon. Were it anyone else, he would insist on calling. But she was right. If Leah knew that Erin had been injured, she would change her plans and come straight home. He didn’t want that for her. Even Lance could admit that his ex-sister-in-law deserved to enjoy her honeymoon.
“Please,” Erin said more gently. “I can do this. I’m far more capable than anyone gives me credit for.”
“I understand what you’re saying,” Lance said slowly. “I wouldn’t want to ruin Leah’s honeymoon, either. I’ll stay with you. I’ll help with the boys.”
She gave him a hopeful look. “You would do that? What about your job?”
He nodded. “I’m on a bit of an extended vacation.”
It was the closest to the truth he could give right now, especially in front of all these people.
This time when Erin slumped back against her pillows, all the fight had left her. It had clearly taken all of her energy to protect her sister and now the medication had won.
“All right.” She turned to look at the doctor. “You heard him. Lance is going to stay with us. And even though he doesn’t have to, I appreciate it. You can fill him in on any necessary information. My sister is back in two weeks and she can take over then.”
It was obvious she hadn’t wanted to agree to letting him stay but she’d had no other choice. And while spending the next two weeks taking care of Erin wasn’t high on Lance’s priority list, maybe it would allow him to discover the elusive peace he’d been hoping to find.
As they left the hospital room he took a final glance back at Erin, who was already drifting off to sleep. He didn’t understand his tender feelings for her at this moment. Maybe it was because she was injured. But he’d do well to remind himself not to let his heart get entangled with hers again.
Chapter Two (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
“We need to make cookies,” Erin said as Lance helped her out of the car when they got back to the ranch the next day.
“You just got home,” he said. “Let’s get you settled in and maybe, in a few days, we’ll give it a go.”
Even though Lance had known about Erin’s love for Christmas, he hadn’t expected she’d want to continue her activities as normal when she got home. But he should have guessed, considering how important it was to her. As he watched the defiant expression cross her face, he knew this wasn’t going to be an easy battle.
That had always been the trouble with Erin. When she got something stuck in her mind, it was almost impossible to convince her to see sense. Wasn’t that what had gotten her into this position in the first place?
He’d told her to let him finish the lights. Had she listened? No. And in a careless moment she’d been injured. At least this time it was only her safety she’d compromised. But what if he hadn’t been able to take care of her? What would she have done with the boys? Would she have had to call her sister home?
Even though everyone told him that Lily’s death was nothing more than a tragic accident, Lance knew that if only Erin had been more careful, more responsible, she would have remembered to lock the door and wouldn’t have fallen asleep. Maybe then, their daughter would still be alive.
“I’ll be fine,” she insisted, struggling to get out of her seat.
As much as Erin claimed she felt fine, she’d slept almost the entire drive back to the ranch. He’d had enough injuries of his own to know that a concussion took longer than most people thought to heal. Add in the pain from her fall and she wasn’t going to be fine for a long time.
“You’ve only just gotten out of the hospital, so let’s take it one step at a time. Starting with getting you into the house.”
He tried not to laugh as she glared at him. It was almost fun, watching her squirm. The look on her face as she glanced down at her foot then up at the stairs leading to the porch was priceless. Though they’d put her in a walking boot, the cast on her right arm would make it difficult for her to grab on to anything for balance.
Plus, it was hard to take her seriously when she was wearing a gaudy Christmas sweater with a giant llama on the front that said, “I llama wish you a Merry Christmas.” Her outfit was absolutely ridiculous, but when she was in the hospital, Lance and the boys had stopped at a discount store to buy them all some necessities for their overnight stay, as well as some things for Lance’s stay at Erin’s, and the boys had insisted that Erin needed that sweater.
She’d accepted the boys’ gift with dignity, but he could tell by the horrified expression on her face that it was a bit much, even for her. Her acceptance of the ugly sweater was one of the many things he’d always loved about her. Erin’s warmth always made people feel...
Lance shook his head. There was a big difference between finding peace with their relationship and remembering those feelings. Best to focus on the task at hand.
“Put your arm around my neck,” he said, bending beside the car. “You can balance on me until you get the hang of walking in that thing.”
She nodded slowly as she scooted out of the seat, putting her arm around him. She’d been in his arms only the day before, when he’d taken her to the hospital, but this felt different. Like... He couldn’t put words to it. But he liked the feeling of Erin trusting him and relying on him. They’d once had it and, somehow, they’d lost it.
Once he got her into the house, he took her to the family room. The space was cozy, with couches arranged by a fireplace and half-opened boxes of decorations in the corner. Some of the decorations were already in place but, judging from the boxes, Erin had a lot more to go.
“Is that end of the couch a recliner?” Lance asked. “The nurse said you should keep your foot elevated as much as possible.”
“Yes,” Erin said. “But I told you, I need to bake cookies today. I have a list, and if I don’t stick to the schedule, I won’t have everything done by the time my sisters get home. We’ll only have a few days before Christmas then, and I don’t want them worrying about everything I didn’t finish.”
Was she kidding? Of course not. Erin didn’t kid about Christmas. If the halls weren’t decked to the nines, she wasn’t happy. And right now, even though most people would call the house decorations perfectly fine, he knew it wasn’t up to Erin’s standards.
Even though Erin would have hated the comparison, her insistence on perfect Christmas décor reminded him of his mother. The only difference was that his mother always hired professional decorators and hosted parties to show off her efforts.
He could at least be thankful Erin wasn’t one to throw a party. How he hated his mother’s parties, with all the fake cheer and plastic smiles, pretending to be the perfect family.
At least Erin never pretended things were perfect when they weren’t.
“They’re going to understand,” Lance told her. “You’ve got a broken ankle and a broken arm. It’s not going to kill anyone to not have everything done perfectly. Besides, if you bake the cookies now, they’ll be spoiled by Christmas.”
“Not if you freeze them,” she said, removing her arm from his shoulder. “And just because you hate Christmas doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t celebrate the way we want.”
“I do not hate Christmas,” he said through gritted teeth. They’d barely gotten Erin home and already they were starting in to their old patterns. “I just think that all this nonsense isn’t necessary. There’s nothing wrong with getting some cookies from the bakery, dumping a packet of hot chocolate into a mug of hot water, and sitting in front of a tree that doesn’t look like Rudolph vomited on it.”
“That’s disgusting,” Erin said as she stepped away. “And that is exactly the problem between us. I see the beauty in holiday decorations and you want to compare them to animal waste.”
At this rate, she was going to take another tumble. Maybe not off a ladder, but it was still going to hurt.
“I just think less is more,” he said, trying to sound calm. “It’s your house, and you can do whatever you want. But the nurse said you have to stay off that foot and keep it elevated for the first few days.”
He held an arm out to her. “Come on, Erin. I don’t want to fight. I’m just trying to keep you safe. If having homemade cookies means so much to you, we’ll figure it out. After you rest.”
Tears filled her eyes. Lance squeezed his eyes shut and started to count to ten. The last thing he needed was for her to start crying on him. Why did she have to be so emotional about everything?
When he got to nine, Erin took his arm. “I just want to have the perfect Christmas.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You don’t need to have all this stuff for that. Besides, you guys had this place last year. Didn’t you get to do everything then?”
“I had the flu. We got the decorating mostly done, but I got sick before I got to enjoy any of it,” she said, a sad look crossing her face. “I didn’t even get to watch the boys open the hats Shane had bought them. Plus, we got a lot of decorations on clearance after Christmas last year, so this is the first we’ll get to use them.”
The tone of her voice and the way her forehead was wrinkling made him realize that some of the emotion he was witnessing was sheer exhaustion on her part. Not only was she injured and on painkillers, she was obviously under a lot of strain—trying to plan the perfect Christmas, taking care of her nephews on her own and now having to deal with him. He might, as she’d often accused him, be low on the emotional intelligence scale, but he could at least tell that what Erin really needed at this point was a nap.
“We’ll make it work,” he said softly, putting his arm around her and leading her toward the couch. She didn’t fight him, just looked up at him sadly.
“If you say so,” she said.
Lance got her situated on the couch and the boys came running in the room. “Uncle Lance! Can you play with us?”
“I’m still getting your aunt settled in right now. Why don’t you help me by getting her a glass of water so she can take her medicine?”
Erin looked up at him. “I don’t want any more painkillers. Leah’s first husband died because of a drug overdose that started with a painkiller addiction.”
He’d known that, but he hadn’t realized just how much it had affected Erin. He’d heard the nurse warn her that the first couple of days out of the hospital she needed to be diligent about taking her medication because they’d had her on such strong medicine in the hospital initially.
“We’ll wean you off gradually, just like the nurse said,” Lance told her, sitting next to her on the couch. “You’re not going to become addicted, but if you don’t stay on top of the pain, the nurse said it will get really bad and you’ll end up back in the hospital. Is that what you want?”
Erin shook her head. “I know I sound like a bratty child here, but I don’t think you understand just how hard this is for me.”
He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I think, of all people, I understand the most. I know you hate feeling powerless and it’s not like you to sit around and do nothing. But you have to take care of yourself or you’re useless for taking care of anyone else. You know that. I promise I’ll help you get ready for Christmas.”
“You said when we got divorced that you were never celebrating Christmas again.”
Not only had he said that but he’d kept his word. He’d never liked how commercial the holiday had become, and hated it even more now that he and Erin were divorced. Every stupid decoration reminded him of the woman who’d loved—and left—him.
But helping Erin didn’t mean celebrating. As far as he was concerned, these could just be chores, like cleaning the toilet. He chuckled at the thought. Erin would be so offended if she heard him comparing the two, but at least the thought made the activity palatable.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
The boys came back in the room, so he didn’t have to explain. Besides, when he saw what Ryan was holding, Lance didn’t feel much like laughing anymore. He’d know that bear anywhere.
“Where did he get that?” Lance looked over at Erin.
“It was Lily’s. You and I aren’t the only ones who miss her. He doesn’t really remember her, but when he was little, he used to cry for his Lily, so I started letting him sleep with her favorite teddy bear. And now it’s his.”
Ryan squeezed his teddy to his chest. “Her name is Lily. She’s my Lily bear.”
That’s what Erin used to call Lily. Her little Lily bear. Lance had thought it a silly name and now hearing it made his heart ache.
“You gave him Lily’s bear?” Lance stared at Erin.
“I did what I thought was best. She’s not here to enjoy it, and it makes him happy, so what’s wrong with that?”
Lance didn’t answer. What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t exactly take what was obviously a beloved toy away from Ryan and yet it didn’t seem fair.
“I sleep with her every night,” Ryan said. “Except for last night, and I really missed her.” Ryan squeezed the bear to his chest. “I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”
“Bears are for babies,” Dylan said, handing Erin a glass of water. “Here’s your drink, like you asked.”
“I’m not a baby. Lily bear is my special friend.”
Erin patted the seat next to her. “Of course she is. And we don’t think you’re a baby.” Erin looked over at Dylan. “Apologize to your brother.”
“Sorry,” Dylan said.
Ryan grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair then climbed up onto the couch and snuggled next to Erin. She put her arm around the little boy in such a maternal way that it made Lance’s heart hurt. How many times had he seen her do that with Lily? She’d been that way with both boys, as well, and the thing he’d always appreciated about her was how loving she’d been to all the children.
Lance hadn’t had that kind of love growing up. His parents, not the touchy-feely type, were more interested in showing off the trophies of their children’s accomplishments. Just like with Christmas. It wasn’t about celebrating the reason for the season, but about impressing their neighbors and clients. He’d always promised himself that if he had children, they’d be part of a loving family. He thought they’d given that to Lily; one of the small comforts he’d had with her short life. As much as he hadn’t wanted the divorce, sometimes he wondered if Erin had been right in pursuing it, given that he didn’t think they were capable of loving each other that way anymore.
Erin whispered something in Ryan’s ear then Ryan looked over at Dylan. “I accept your apology,” he said.
Sometimes it was easy to forget the things Lance had against Erin, especially when he was reminded of the kind and loving woman she was. He just didn’t know how that translated to being at peace with her. His counselor had told him that he needed to forgive Erin for what happened to Lily. But as much as Lance wanted to believe that Erin had learned from her mistakes, it was clear she still didn’t always think her decisions through.
If she were responsible, and thought about things logically, she wouldn’t be arguing with him over taking care of herself. She’d be more focused on getting well and taking care of the children than on some crazy idea of what she thought Christmas was supposed to be like.
Erin looked up at him. “If you can get me my pain pills, I should go ahead and take one now, before the pain gets worse. If you don’t mind, I’d also like you to put on a movie for Ryan and me to watch. Neither of us slept well last night, so we’re just going to veg out in front of the TV.”
Ryan cradled the bear in his arms as he tucked the blanket around him and Erin. It was a cozy picture. As much as Lance wanted to nurse the feelings of hurt, his heart melted a little when Ryan bent and kissed the top of his bear’s head.
Lily was dead. What did it matter that her bear was providing comfort to another child?
Once Erin was settled with her movie, Lance got out his laptop. Even though he was technically on a leave of absence, he still liked to keep up on as much as he could. But he found, as the cartoon character of Ebenezer Scrooge came on the screen, he was more focused on the movie than on his work. Erin would probably have something to say about that, but when he turned to look at her, she’d already fallen asleep. Cuddled with the little boy, she was the picture of everything he wished his life could have been had it not been cruelly taken from him.
Maybe what people didn’t understand about Lance, or about these famous characters of Christmas, was that their perceived badness didn’t happen in a vacuum. There were reasons for the pain, and it wasn’t so simple to just get over it, as everyone seemed to want them to do. Maybe it happened in the movies, but the people in the movies didn’t wake up every morning to an emptiness that nothing could ever fill.
His counselor wanted him to make peace with Erin. He still didn’t know what that meant, but he’d like to think that when he talked to her next, and he told her about taking care of Erin, she’d see this as doing just that. Surely taking care of the person who’d done the most to hurt you was a sign that you’d made peace with your past.
When Erin woke, there was a fire in the fireplace, the television was off and the boys were gone. This was why she hadn’t wanted to take the pain medicine. It made her too sleepy and she couldn’t pay attention or keep track of the boys.
Lance used to ask her how he would know that she had learned from her mistake and would never fall asleep while watching a child again. She hadn’t had an answer at the time, but living with Leah and her boys, she was always on edge if she was supposed to be watching them. True, Lance was there, but sometimes she felt that he looked at her like he was just waiting for her to mess up again. Leah often told her that even Mary lost track of a young Jesus when he went off to go preach in the synagogue. Surely if the mother of the son of God didn’t always do it right then Erin could give herself a break, as well.
Just try telling that to Lance. She shifted her weight, trying to see the best way to scoot herself off the couch and move around. She could hear laughter coming from the kitchen. It seemed selfish to spoil their fun by calling out for them. But no sooner had she flipped the lever to put the foot of the recliner down than Lance stepped into the living room, wearing the reindeer apron the boys had purchased for her last Christmas.
“Let me help you,” he said.
“What are you guys doing in there?”
He shrugged. “Making cookies. The boys showed me a Christmas binder, and while I know you want to be part of the cookie-making process, there are a lot of cookies to be baked, so we went ahead and started. What do you need to make so many Christmas cookies for, anyway?”
Lance had started making the cookies? “You don’t know how to make anything that doesn’t come out of a box.”
“They say necessity is the mother of invention. It’s too expensive to eat out all the time, and I don’t like eating frozen dinners day in and day out. So I watched a few videos on the internet and, while I’ll never be a chef, I won’t starve.”
“You were good at grilling,” she said. Then she added, “Our church has refreshments every Sunday after the service. But they also like to do something a little special for the holidays. Baking cookies relaxes me, so I volunteered to do extra this year. I’m just glad my day to bring them wasn’t today. At least we’ll have them for next week.”
She tried not to sound discouraged as she spoke. Before her nap, she’d sounded so whiny that she’d gotten on her own nerves. Even now she was trying not to let the situation get the best of her. It had been a silly accident and she needed to find a way to look on the bright side.
“I didn’t realize you started going to church again,” he said.
He looked like he was going to add something argumentative but then he stopped. The counselor had recommended they go to church together, but Lance had informed her that he saw no point in chasing after a God who could be so cruel as to take their child from them.
“It’s been a great way for us to get involved in our community. Pastor Roberts is a wonderful teacher and we’ve all grown a lot closer to the Lord thanks to him. I’ve never been part of a place where the people were so warm and welcoming.”
The hesitation on his face was confirmation of just how far apart they’d grown and why she couldn’t see them having a future together. Maybe, for all the doubts she’d had about their divorce, having him there now was what she needed as confirmation of what had truly become important in her life.
“I don’t believe in God anymore,” he said.
Erin took a deep breath. “I know. But that’s something for the two of you to work out. If you’d rather not help with the cookies, I understand. Even though everyone I know is busy with their own holiday preparations, I’m sure I can find someone to help me.”
Though she’d put a cheerful tone in her voice, she knew that many of the people from church already had too many commitments on their plates. She’d ended up signing up to make extra because they hadn’t had enough people who could do it.
“It’s just cookies,” he said. “It’s not like I have to go—” He stopped. “I’m going to have to take you to church, aren’t I?”
She honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead. She would like to go to church, but she was already asking a lot of Lance. She’d seen the look on his face when she’d explained about Lily’s bear becoming Ryan’s.
“I’ll try to find a ride. My boss, Ricky, drives right past here on his way. If he can’t pick us up, maybe you could just drop us off and then go have a cup of coffee and pastry. There’s a great café in town that has the best bear claws.”
Lance gave her a funny look. “I like bear claws.”
If it were anyone but Lance, she’d have hugged him. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hug him, but because it was Lance, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to leave his arms after being in them again. She’d already struggled with it when he’d brought her into the house. It was hard being so close to someone she’d loved for so long...their relationship was now so different.
He helped her into the kitchen, where the boys were making shapes out of dough. It wouldn’t have been her first choice, but she could see Lance’s laptop perched on the counter with the video paused.
How was she supposed to remain immune to him? That’s what she’d never been able to understand about Lance. How could you not like a man who didn’t know how to cook, hated Christmas, but was willing to go online and watch videos to learn how to bake Christmas cookies for a woman in need?
“Here, Auntie Erin,” Ryan said, handing her a glob of dough. “You have to make it into candy cane shapes.”
As she got closer, she realized that they had white and red dough that they were making into ropes and then twisting into a candy cane shape.
“Candy cane cookies?” she asked. “I haven’t had these in ages.”
“You used to make these cookies—”
When we were married. At least that’s what Erin thought Lance was about to say. He used to tell her that they were his favorite cookies. His grandmother had made them for him. And Erin, wanting to do something nice for him, had made them. Personally she’d never liked them. But she’d always made them for Lance. She hadn’t made them since their divorce. There wasn’t any point given that Lance had been the only one who’d liked them. She should have known this would have been his default choice. It just hadn’t occurred to her how much that choice would affect her.
It was strange, remembering the simple thing she’d done for him to put that look of happiness on his face. He might not understand the big deal about Christmas but, for Erin, the big deal, at least in terms of why all this meant so much to her, was that there was nothing like the expression of joy on someone’s face when they realized that you’d taken the time to think of them and do something special for them.
Erin, who had spent so much of her life as the middle child, not being noticed in the same way as her siblings, liked to make sure everyone felt noticed. Important. And Christmas was the perfect time to show people in very special ways what they meant to her.
Lance might think her vision of the perfect Christmas was silly, but he’d never been as sentimental as she was.
While she had never intended for Lance to remain a part of her holiday traditions, God had him there for a reason. Even though she hadn’t been able to think of any sort of peace he might need from her or she from him, obviously God had something different in mind for this holiday season. She just prayed that whatever it was, when her sisters returned and life was back to normal, it wouldn’t hurt so much to say goodbye to Lance again.
Chapter Three (#u367444fe-0fed-5079-8036-4ef84f7a8f06)
If Lance hadn’t once been married to Erin, he’d have thought her giant Christmas planner a joke. But when it came to Erin and her planners, she was dead serious. The only trouble was, Lance wasn’t sure how he was going to accomplish all the items on her list. It was tempting to simply do the items that were easy and skip the rest, but that would mean Erin would just find a way to do them herself.
And judging from the way her face scrunched up in pain when she tried to stretch the time period between medication, her injury was still bothering her a couple days after the accident. It was to be expected, but not when you were Erin and you had a list.
That was why Lance found himself standing on the front porch, wrapped in winter gear after picking up the boys from school. It had remained cold enough after the snow that Erin was determined to check off one of the items on her list—sledding.
The boys ran out from the barn, carrying an old sled. “Here it is, Uncle Lance.”
Erin came stomping onto the porch. To go outside, Lance had layered garbage bags over her boot to keep her foot dry, but it made it more difficult for her to maneuver.
“That hill over there is good for sledding,” she said, pointing to a nice area in front of the house. “I can stay here on the porch and watch you guys.”
She didn’t look happy about it and he didn’t blame her. After all, sledding was fun. They’d often gone with friends to a giant hill near their house. The passing thought brought an ache to his heart.
A few months before Erin had gotten pregnant they’d gone sledding together. It had been the most wonderful day and Lance could still remember cuddling by the crackling fire with Erin, talking about how someday they’d bring their kids to do the same.
Only it hadn’t ever happened.
Lily had died before she was old enough to enjoy the giant sledding hill.
He glanced over at Erin. Did she remember?
Maybe it didn’t matter to her the way it did to him. But remembering, at least for him, was what made it so difficult to move on and find peace. It was easy to go on with his life, being angry with Erin. However his anger was only part of the story. The other part was the great love he’d once had for her and not understanding how it could so easily be gone. How she could just walk away from it. And why, as much as she had hurt him, he could still cling to those memories and wish things had turned out differently.
Dylan handed him the sled. Even though it wouldn’t have been Lance’s first choice, it looked safe enough. Lance glanced over at Erin.
She gave him a smile and gestured at the hill. “Go on. I don’t know why, but it’s always seemed to me that sledding makes it more Christmassy. We don’t always have enough snow around Christmas, so I’m excited to give the boys a chance.”
Erin sat on the chair he’d brought out for her then took the camera from around her neck and held it up. “Leah will be sad to have missed it, but I’ll get some great pictures for her.”
When they’d been married, Erin had often told him that a picture couldn’t replace being there. She’d been angry with him for all the time he’d spent at work. In their fights leading up to the divorce, she’d mentioned it more than once. Their daughter had just died and she’d wanted to rub it in about all the things he’d missed.
Maybe she was right. But he’d been doing his best, trying to provide a life for their family. He’d always thought that as the business grew, and Lily got older, it would be easier to take the time off that he needed. He just hadn’t counted on not having the opportunity to watch his daughter grow up. He’d never thought that the someday he’d been counting on wouldn’t ever come.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at the boys. They had picked up some snow and were tossing small snowballs at each other.
Erin must have sensed where his attention had gone. “It’s okay. We’ve talked to the boys about safety and they know it’s okay to throw snowballs, as long as they’re little ones and you have the other person’s permission.”
She sounded so prim as she spoke, the great rule enforcer. But the two of them had gotten into enough snowball fights of their own that Lance knew Erin didn’t always fight fair.
He bent and picked up a little bit of snow, carefully shaping it into a ball as he walked toward her.
“Don’t tell me that’s for me,” she said, looking at him sternly. “You wouldn’t harm a poor, defenseless woman, would you?”
He grinned. “That’s never stopped you before.”
Erin glanced over at the boys. “That was in the past. And my sisters and I have agreed that all our snowball fights would be fair.”
Lance could attest to the sheer brutality of their competitiveness when it came to games and things like snowball fights. That was odd, considering how well they all got along otherwise. If the brothers took after the sisters, Lance could see why they would need to institute rules on fairness.
“But I’m not your sister,” he said, coming closer.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
Until that moment he hadn’t been planning on using the snowball against her. But there was something about the gleam in her eyes that felt like an irresistible dare.
He tossed the snowball in her direction. It hit her square in the chest.
Erin jumped up. “You’re going to regret that.”
She hobbled over to the porch railing and grabbed some of the snow that was still there. It was good snow. The soft, fluffy kind that made for easy packing. It would have been easy to walk away, or at least to dodge her attack. But it had been a long time since Lance had seen that look in her eyes and he’d be a fool if he didn’t admit that it was one of the most beautiful things he’d seen in a long time. It wasn’t that Erin was pretty. Because pretty wasn’t the right word for her. There was something strong, fierce and incredibly awe-inspiring in her eyes. The expression was what had attracted him to Erin in the first place, because he knew that if you were fortunate enough to have the love of a woman like that, you had more than most men ever dreamed of.
A snowball hit him smack in the face.
That was a good reminder of the downside to loving a woman like Erin.
Lance picked up another handful of snow. Erin scooped more from the railing.
“Do you really want to do this?” she asked. “Because I will win.”
Snowballs went sailing at the same time and while Erin’s hit him square in the chest, his missed.
“You still want to mess with me?” she asked.
“Uncle Lance!” Dylan came running to him. “When we were in the house getting ready, you said we couldn’t get Aunt Erin. The snow will hurt her cast.”
Ryan followed his brother. “You can’t get Auntie!”
The boys both picked up snow and made snowballs that they tossed directly at Lance.
The snow hit Lance with a resounding thud. Erin laughed. “That’s what you get for breaking the rules.”
Lance shook his head as he brushed the snow off. “I can definitely see where I didn’t think that idea through well enough.”
“You should say you’re sorry and give her a hug,” Dylan said, looking at him sternly.
When he looked at Erin, she was still wiping tears of mirth from her eyes and Lance didn’t think she’d heard the little boy.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, buddy,” Lance said.
Innocent eyes looked up at him. “Why not? Mom says hugs are always a good idea,” Dylan said. Then Dylan frowned. “Unless the person doesn’t want a hug, and then you should respect their wishes. But auntie loves hugs.”
As if his lecture settled the matter, both Dylan and Ryan ran to Erin and hugged her. Erin smiled as she looked over their heads at him. “I do love hugs,” she said. “But we don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable. At least now you know that we take our rules very seriously here, and you shouldn’t even think about messing with me.”
Her tone was light and there was understanding in her eyes. He’d been trying to have fun, they both had, but it was amazing how even the smallest things became difficult reminders of their complicated past. Maybe, even though it seemed like they were both trying to move forward, making peace wasn’t as easy as his therapist had led him to believe.
So what did peace look like? What did it mean to come to terms with both their daughter’s death and their divorce?
Maybe, as the boys ran back to their sled, it wasn’t a question they needed to settle right this very minute.
Lance grinned at Erin. “I will be expecting a rematch once you’re healed.”
“You’re on,” she said, laughing.
That was the other thing he’d loved, and missed, about Erin. Her laugh. She had one of the most beautiful, most contagious, laughs of anyone he’d ever met. The kind that made you feel absolutely comfortable and at ease because you knew she was laughing with you, not at you.
“Uncle Lance!” Dylan held up the sled.
“Go,” Erin said. “The boys have been really excited about today. I’ve been promising them for weeks that as soon as we got a good snow, we’d go sledding.”
And every day since her accident, she’d put them off. Or rather, he’d put them off. As he jogged over to the boys, he realized he’d been working hard at keeping his distance, trying not to let how they had so easily taken to calling him “Uncle Lance” or how they automatically included him in everything, be caught in his heart.
Was there a way for him to maintain a relationship with them once he left? He took the sled from Dylan and carried it the rest of the way up the hill. It wasn’t much of a hill, just a gentle, sloping space that would allow the boys the enjoyment of sledding but not the high-speed thrills he and Erin used to chase after.
They’d had a lot of fun together. Funny how it had taken being apart almost two years to remember it.
The boys got on the sled and Lance gave them a small push to send them sailing down the hill. He ran after them, letting their laughter warm his heart.
It was going to be impossible not to find himself attached. It hadn’t hurt as much leaving the boys behind the first time; he’d been too deep in his own grief to understand how big a part of his life they were.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the edge of the sled hit a tiny bump and sent the boys flying. Even though they were laughing, Lance ran over to make sure they were okay.
“Again!” Ryan chortled, jumping up and running toward him.
Dylan picked up the sled and followed his brother. “That was awesome. We probably flew a hundred feet in the air.”
They hadn’t flown at all, but the boys’ excitement made him smile. After losing Lily and Erin, Lance had vowed not to remarry or have children. He’d jokingly told people that he was married to his company and that it was enough. But as the snowy boys rushed at him with open arms, he thought that perhaps he might have been too hasty. He found his work rewarding, but no one from the office ever ran around giving him hugs. Not only would it be inappropriate, as much as he liked the people he worked with, he hadn’t ever felt like hugging any of them.
He looked up from the boys and over at Erin as she watched. She set the camera down and waved at him. Lance waved back, feeling like a schoolboy as he noticed her shining eyes. She might not have been able to join in on the fun, but she was clearly enjoying herself.
“Come on, Uncle Lance.” Dylan tugged on his pants, so he grabbed the sled and they made the trek back up the hill. He used to laugh at all the people who talked about living for the moment; he’d never understood why they weren’t planning for their futures. But now he almost understood. He should have kept his distance, knowing that the inevitable goodbye was coming. As he got the boys situated on the sled for another trip down the hill, he pushed aside his worries for the future and sent the boys sailing again.
Maybe he’d lost his chance to be a dad, and he wouldn’t remain an uncle much longer, but for now it was enough. He’d find a way to deal with the inevitable pain later.
Even though Erin hadn’t been able to do any sledding, she’d had enough fun just watching everyone. It had been a long time since she’d seen Lance let loose like that. Everything since Lily had been born was about being responsible and doing the right thing. It was funny how he liked to mock her lists, but he had a similar need for organization and control.
When they’d met, Lance had been one of the most fun people she’d ever been around besides her sisters. They used to have wild adventures together—not the crazy college-party thing, but things like hiking and camping or sledding. She didn’t think Lance had been sledding since before Lily was born. He hadn’t wanted to go without her and he’d always been so busy at work. He used to tell her that he was working hard for Lily’s future. But what good was the future if you didn’t take the time to enjoy the present? Did he regret all the time he’d spent at work instead of with their family?
The sun was getting low in the sky, which meant they only had a little bit of daylight left to feed the horses and take care of the other chores. Shane had brought his horses over while they were on their honeymoon so Erin wouldn’t have to go back and forth. At the time she’d thought it was a needless effort. But now she was glad.
“Time to come in,” she called when Lance and the boys got to the bottom of the hill for what had to be the thousandth time.
They came to her, disappointment overshadowing their laughter.
“Do you think we can do it again tomorrow?” Dylan asked.
“We’ll see,” she said. “Right now, we need to feed the animals.”
The trouble with having broken limbs was that the animals didn’t know any differently. They still had to be cared for. One more thing Erin had to give credit to Lance for. Despite his lack of experience, he’d still jumped in to do everything that was needed. The boys ran past her to the barn, already knowing their jobs. They would get out the hose and refill the water while Lance took care of the hay.
Lance stayed behind, walking alongside her. “You’re not too tired, are you? I didn’t mean for us to stay out so long. I can’t remember when I’ve had so much fun.”
She turned and smiled at him. “I’m glad. I was just thinking that it must’ve been a long time since you’ve been sledding.”
He nodded slowly. “Not since that last time before Lily was born.”
He stopped, holding her back slightly. “What went wrong with us? I keep thinking about that day and how much in love we were, and I don’t understand how we lost it so easily. What happened to all those plans of forever?”
A lot of things. But when she’d pointed them out to him in counseling, he’d bristled, telling her it wasn’t fair to blame him for her decision to leave. When she’d pushed too hard, he’d ended the conversation. So what could she say now? He’d come here, looking for peace after their divorce. Even though she had her own part in their relationship breakdown, she knew that until he accepted what he’d done wrong in the marriage, he wouldn’t be able to find that peace.
“Sometimes having fun and being in love isn’t enough to make a marriage work,” she said finally.
He gave her the same confused look he’d given her when she’d asked for the divorce. “Then what? What else does a marriage need?”
The boys couldn’t be left unattended in the barn for too long. Nicole’s horse, Snookie, while much better trained than she’d been when they’d first gotten her, was still uncomfortable around children. The boys knew not to go near her, but that didn’t mean they always listened.
Erin took another step toward the barn. “Every marriage is different. And I know, after everything you’ve done to help me the past few days, I owe you a better explanation. But I need to make sure the boys are safe. So I’ll tell you what. One of these nights, when the boys are in bed, you and I can have some hot chocolate and we’ll talk. I may not totally have the answers you’re looking for, but I can at least tell you what else I needed, if that’s something you’re open to hearing.”
He started for the barn. “You’re right. I wasn’t even thinking about the boys.”
He shook his head slowly then stopped again. “This is why I don’t do emotions. You used to always get on me about that, wanting to know how I felt. But here I am, feeling things I don’t understand, and I’ve already lost sight of what’s important.” Not waiting for an answer, he continued toward the barn.
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Danica Favorite
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Современная зарубежная литература
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 23.04.2024
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О книге: Making peace with the past… Is this the first step to their second chance? Lance Drummond doesn’t do Christmas…not after the tragic loss of his daughter and the painful divorce that followed. But when his ex-wife, Erin, is injured, Lance moves in temporarily to help her make the holidays perfect for her nephews. Amid all the merrymaking, Lance realises he’s falling for Erin again. After so much heartache, can love bring them back together?