The Silent Cry: Part 2 of 3: There is little Kim can do as her mother′s mental health spirals out of control
The Silent Cry: Part 2 of 3: There is little Kim can do as her mother's mental health spirals out of control
Cathy Glass
The heartbreaking true story of a young, troubled mother who needed help.The sixteenth fostering memoir by Cathy Glass.It is the first time Laura has been out since the birth of her baby when Cathy sees her in the school playground. A joyful occasion but Cathy has the feeling something is wrong. By the time she discovers what it is, it is too late. This is the true story of Laura whose life touches Cathy’s in a way she could never have foreseen. It is also the true stories of little Darrel, Samson and Hayley who she fosters when their parents need help. Some stories can have a happy ending and others cannot, but as a foster carer Cathy can only do her best.
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Copyright (#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
Certain details in this story, including names, places and dates, have been changed to protect the children.
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First published by HarperElement 2016
FIRST EDITION
© Cathy Glass 2016
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Source ISBN: 9780008153717
Ebook Edition © February 2016 ISBN: 9780008156589
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Contents
Cover (#u9b58880a-8f0a-5573-b20c-2ba97b3a04c2)
Title Page (#ulink_f3cdfefe-7c48-5ff9-a3f3-dc2233700ccc)
Copyright (#ulink_4f3b320f-b089-5954-886c-bdb8aee7c672)
Chapter Ten: The Devil’s Child (#ulink_496d16a2-da40-5f5f-943a-70d60b815110)
Chapter Eleven: Trying to Hurt Him (#ulink_118473c3-2979-54fb-9927-d51f7f01f24e)
Chapter Twelve: Very Serious (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen: Worry (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen: Gina (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen: Everley (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen: Home Again (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen: Progress (#litres_trial_promo)
Moving Memoirs eNewsletter (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten
The Devil’s Child (#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
School resumed on Monday after the half-term break and the air temperature rose dramatically by ten degrees, as it can do in England, catching everyone unawares and causing the weather reporter to pronounce a heat wave. The sun shone in a cloudless sky and the air was alive with birdsong and the scent of summer flowers. We didn’t need to wear our jackets to walk to school that morning.
Adrian was pleased to see his friends again and they ran around in the playground before school began. Parents chatted to each other, catching up on their news and asking each other if they’d had a nice holiday, and sharing what they’d done. Some families had spent the week at home just relaxing, pleased to be out of the school routine, while others had been more energetic, going out most days, and a couple of lucky families had been abroad for the week. As I talked to my friends I looked around for any sign of Laura, hoping she was now feeling well enough to bring Kim to school, but I couldn’t see her. Then just before the start of school Geraldine walked into the playground, with Kim beside her pushing the pram. Kim was looking around her, proud to be in charge of her baby brother, while Geraldine kept her gaze straight ahead, her face expressionless. I assumed therefore that Laura still didn’t feel up to coming out, or possibly she was just having a lie-in. I’d ask Geraldine how she was if I got the opportunity.
When the Klaxon sounded the children said goodbye to their parents and then lined up ready to go into school. The little groups of parents began dispersing, making their way towards the main gate. I looked over to where Geraldine had been standing. She was now walking briskly towards the exit. She was always one of the first out, slipping out ahead of everyone else, but this time her progress was slowed by the pram. I caught up with her as she waited for her turn to pass through the main gate.
‘Good morning,’ I said. Paula was holding my hand and toddling beside me.
Geraldine threw me her usual tight smile.
‘Baby,’ Paula said, pointing to the pram.
‘Yes. Baby Liam. How is he doing?’ I asked Geraldine. I could just see his little face over the cover, sleeping.
‘He’s well,’ she said.
‘And how’s Laura?’
‘These things take time.’
‘She didn’t feel up to coming here today then?’ I asked.
‘No.’
We were now through the main gate and on the pavement outside and it was clear Geraldine didn’t want to walk with us.
‘Give her my love,’ I said.
She nodded stiffly and then, head down, she set off, pushing the pram at a brisk pace.
‘Baby Liam,’ Paula said again.
‘Yes,’ I said absently. ‘With his grandmother.’
As we passed number 53 Paula and I both glanced at the house, but there was no one to be seen, and we continued our haltingly slow journey home. It didn’t matter that it took us ages; it was a beautiful day and Paula was finding plenty to interest her along the way: ants scurrying across pavements, a cat basking on a sun-drenched wall, front gardens with an array of brightly coloured flowers, all of which were wonderfully new and inspiring to the enquiring young mind of a small child. I wished I had Laura’s telephone number – I could have phoned her; just a friendly call to see how she was, for I didn’t feel I could simply arrive on her doorstep. The last time I’d visited, Geraldine had made it clear that she’d let me know when Laura was up to having visitors again.
Once home, Paula and I went straight into the garden and I played in the sandpit with her. It was nice being able to give her some one-to-one time again, and she enjoyed it. Mid-morning I settled her for a nap and continued my dissertation. I wondered if Samson’s social worker would telephone for feedback on Samson’s respite, but she didn’t. However, at lunchtime Shelley’s social worker telephoned to ask if I could foster a four-month-old baby they were bringing into care the next day. Reluctantly I had to say no, and I explained about my degree.
‘OK. Good luck with it,’ she said. ‘I’ll make a note on the whiteboard.’
‘Thank you.’
That afternoon Geraldine was in the playground again with Liam in the pram, and as usual she stood by herself with her eyes fixed firmly ahead. When the children came out I saw Kim pushing the pram towards the exit, but they were well ahead of us by the time we left the playground, as Paula wanted to walk. The next day was the same: Geraldine brought Liam to school in the morning and the afternoon. I didn’t know what this said about how Laura was feeling, but I had to believe that Geraldine and Laura’s husband, Andy, knew what was best for her, as they were close to her and had helped her through a difficult time after the birth of Kim. There’s a fine line between being friendly and neighbourly and being intrusive and a nosy parker, so I felt any further enquiry from me about Laura at that time would be unwelcome and probably resented. If Laura had been an old friend it would have been very different, but for now I just had to accept that Geraldine was in charge and knew best.
However, all that changed the following morning.
It was another fine day and we were walking to school. Paula, as usual, was in her stroller with the promise that she could walk back. As we passed number 53 the front door suddenly burst open. Kim ran out and down the path as Geraldine stood in the doorway. ‘Gran says can you take me to school today,’ Kim said. ‘She has to stay with Mum.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. I looked towards the open door, but Geraldine gave a cursory wave and closed it.
‘Is your mum all right?’ I asked Kim.
‘I don’t know. She had a bad night. Gran didn’t want to leave her alone, and my daddy had to go to work. We’ve been looking out for you.’
‘Is your mum sick?’ I asked, worried. I had no idea what a ‘bad night’ meant in this context.
‘Not really,’ Kim said, and looked uncomfortable. I knew not to question her further. She was only seven and I didn’t want to place her in an awkward position by asking questions that she couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.
‘I gave Liam his bottle this morning,’ Kim said proudly, brightening, as she fell into step beside us.
‘Well done. That was a big help,’ I said.
‘I don’t like helping to change his nappy, though,’ she said, pulling a face.
‘Yuk!’ Adrian agreed. ‘She still poos in a nappy,’ he said, pointing at Paula, and dissolved into laughter. He was at an age when he and his friends found toilet talk hilarious.
‘Baby Liam?’ Paula asked, leaning out of her stroller for a better look at Kim.
‘Hi,’ Kim said sweetly. ‘Liam’s at home.’
She took hold of Paula’s hand and we continued down the street with Kim on one side of the stroller and Adrian on the other. Adrian and Kim began talking about school and then a popular children’s television programme, while I thought about Laura. Why didn’t Geraldine want to leave her alone? It didn’t sound good, and I thought maybe this was the excuse I needed to call in on the way home.
Once in the playground I let Paula out of the stroller and she immediately crouched down and began examining the tarmac, poking her finger at a couple of loose chippings. It’s incredible what little ones can spot and play with. A mother approached me with a child of a similar age to Kim. I knew her slightly from seeing her in the playground.
‘You’ve brought Kim,’ she said. ‘Is Laura all right? I’m Fran. Our girls are friends. How is she?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said honestly. ‘Her mother-in-law asked me to bring Kim to school this morning.’
‘I’m worried about her,’ Fran confided. ‘I’ve tried phoning and I’ve left messages, but she hasn’t got back to me.’ The two girls took skipping ropes from their bags and began skipping.
‘I’m thinking of stopping by her house on the way back this morning,’ I said. ‘We live in the same street. I’ll tell her you were asking after her.’
‘Oh yes, please do.’ She hesitated. ‘I hope I haven’t done anything to upset her. We were both relatively new to the area and seemed to hit it off as friends. But I haven’t seen or heard from her since she was in the playground that morning weeks ago.’
‘I’m sure it’s nothing like that,’ I said.
Clearly I didn’t know how much Laura had confided in Fran, and Geraldine’s words about not discussing Laura in the playground rang in my ears – although, of course, we were only concerned for her wellbeing.
‘Give her my best wishes,’ Fran said. ‘And tell her I hope to hear from her soon.’
‘I will.’
The Klaxon sounded and I said goodbye to both Adrian and Kim and watched them line up. ‘We’re going to see baby Liam on the way home,’ I told Paula, taking her hand.
‘Baby Liam,’ she said and chuckled excitedly.
I wasn’t excited, I was very apprehensive, partly from having to confront the formidable Geraldine again, but also because I wasn’t convinced I was doing the right thing in just dropping by. Perhaps I was turning into the busybody up the road – ‘You know, that woman, the foster carer who thinks she knows everything.’ But on the other hand I had a gut feeling that I should stop by and try to see Laura, and sometimes I think it’s best if we follow our instincts or intuition.
With the promise of visiting baby Liam, Paula walked faster than usual and didn’t stop to examine every little thing that caught her eye. ‘Baby Liam,’ she said every so often with a smile.
‘Yes, I hope we can see him.’ For obviously we might not be invited in.
Undaunted, Paula continued at her best toddling pace along the street until we arrived at Laura’s house. ‘Baby Liam,’ she announced, trying to open the gate.
I lifted the latch, opened the gate and we went up the front path. I parked the stroller in the porch and pressed the doorbell. I felt my pulse speed up a notch and my stomach tighten. I had no idea what to expect, and as we waited for the bell to be answered I prepared myself for most eventualities, including the door not being opened or opened and then shut in my face – most eventualities except … Geraldine answering the door in tears.
‘Oh. I’m sorry,’ I said, embarrassed and completely taken aback. ‘I’ve called at a bad time.’
She looked at me, a tissue pressed to her lips and despair in her eyes. I didn’t know what to do. My instinct was to hug and comfort her, but given her previous hostility I didn’t think she’d want my comfort, yet I couldn’t just walk away.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ I asked awkwardly. Paula looked at her, also concerned.
Geraldine shook her head and wiped her eyes, but fresh tears formed. Usually so capable, determined, even hard, her vulnerability shocked and deeply saddened me. With a heartfelt sigh she turned from the door and walked down the hall, leaving the front door wide open. I assumed she wanted me to go in, so I helped Paula over the doorstep and then once in the hall I closed the door. The house was quiet – unnaturally quiet considering there was another adult and a baby inside. There was a stale smell of burning as though food had caught fire. Geraldine had disappeared down the hall and into the living room. Still holding Paula’s hand, I followed her. Paula had fallen silent, perhaps sensing the atmosphere.
In the living room Geraldine was standing with her back to me, gazing through the glass patio doors. There was no sign of Liam or Laura, but there were a few of his soft toys propped on the sofa and, dropping my hand, Paula went over to them. I crossed the room and stood beside Geraldine. She was staring, unseeing, down the garden.
‘Is there anything I can get you?’ I asked after a moment. ‘A drink of water or a cup of tea?’
She wiped her eyes and shook her head. ‘It’ll take more than tea to put this lot right, Cathy,’ she said.
She’d never used my name before and I sensed a shift in her attitude towards me. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I asked gently, touching her arm.
‘It wouldn’t do any good,’ she said, her eyes filling again.
Then a terrible thought struck me. ‘Are Liam and Laura all right? They’re not hurt?’
‘No. Laura is in bed upstairs and Liam is asleep in his cot in the front room.’
I remained standing beside Geraldine, not sure what to say or do but feeling I should stay. Paula began playing silently with the soft toys as Geraldine and I gazed down the garden, the joy of the summer outside now at odds with the unhappiness inside. Sometimes silence is more empathetic than words, so I stood quietly beside Geraldine, close but not touching. I sensed she wanted to talk, possibly to confide; that was why she’d left the front door open for us to come in. With her guard down she was less hostile to me, but she was finding it difficult, almost impossible, to know where to begin. I’d seen this before in children I’d fostered who were trying to disclose and tell me about something dreadful that had happened and which they’d kept a secret for a long time. They needed to tell but were fearful of the consequences, so I did now what I did then and waited until they found the strength to start.
After some minutes Geraldine took a deep breath and, still looking straight ahead, said faintly, ‘We moved Liam’s cot downstairs last week. Andy and I are taking it in turns to sleep on the sofa in the front room so we can keep an eye on him. It’s no longer safe for him to be upstairs with his mother.’
An icy chill ran down my spine. ‘Why not?’ I asked gently.
‘Because Laura thinks he’s the devil’s child. My little grandson, the work of the devil! I ask you, Cathy, it would be laughable if she didn’t believe it.’ Her face crumpled and she wiped away fresh tears.
I’d heard many terrible disclosures in the past from abused children and I knew it was important that I hid my shock and remained outwardly calm and in control to give them the strength they needed to continue.
‘Shall we sit down?’ I suggested.
She nodded, and we crossed to the sofa, where I moved Paula to one end to make room for us. ‘Good girl,’ I said quietly to her, for she was looking worried.
Geraldine sat upright on the sofa and stared straight ahead. ‘It’s worse this time,’ she said. ‘Far worse than when Laura had Kim. She seems to be losing touch with reality, and she’s started threatening me.’
‘Laura is threatening you?’ I asked, shocked.
‘Yes. She doesn’t want me here. She resents me, but she can’t manage on her own, and Andy has to work. She rarely sleeps. She’s up most of the night and often doesn’t know where she is. She’s started having weird waking dreams, like she’s hallucinating. She wanders around. Last night I smelled burning and found her in the kitchen, making toast. It was two o’clock in the morning and she kept saying she didn’t like the toast I made, as I didn’t toast it enough. So she kept putting the same slice of toast back into the toaster until eventually it caught fire. I threw it in the sink and she became aggressive. I had to fetch Andy to put her back to bed. I try not to wake him, but she could have burned the house down.’ She took a deep breath and wiped her nose. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s all right,’ I said, touching her arm.
‘She’s started doing other irrational things and talking a lot of nonsense,’ Geraldine continued, keeping her eyes down. ‘Liam has a birthmark on his back. It’s not very big, but Laura read somewhere that in ancient times they thought birthmarks were put there by the devil, so the child belongs to the devil and does his work. It’s ridiculous, obviously, but she seems to believe it. She’s wary of him and I’m frightened she could do him harm. You won’t tell anyone, will you?’ she said, suddenly turning to me.
‘No, of course not, but Laura does need help. More than you and Andy can give her. What did the doctor say?’
‘She won’t go. She hasn’t been. Now she’s got worse she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. When she was just depressed she agreed to tell the doctor, but now she refuses to believe there is anything the matter with her. She says we’re ganging up on her and making it up.’
‘She was going to talk to the doctor at her six-week postnatal check-up. Did that not happen?’
‘I don’t think so. I took her to the appointment, but she wouldn’t let me in when she saw the doctor. I can’t force her to tell a doctor. And to be honest I’m worried that the same thing could happen to her as to her mother. She spent over six months in a psychiatric hospital following the birth of Laura.’
‘Oh, I see,’ I said. ‘Laura mentioned her mother had suffered from postnatal depression, but I didn’t realize it was that severe.’
‘We don’t talk about it. Laura’s parents didn’t have any more children after Laura,’ Geraldine said. ‘She and Andy weren’t going to have another one after Kim. But then it happened and we all hoped for the best. I read somewhere that because a woman has been depressed after having one baby it doesn’t mean it will happen again. But it has. And it’s getting worse.’ Geraldine shrugged with despair. ‘I thought we’d be able to cope and that I could help them through like I did last time. I’ve only done what I thought was right, Cathy, but it seems I’ve made things worse – far worse.’ Her face creased and, holding her head in her hands, she wept openly.
Now I had no hesitation in putting my arm around her shoulders and comforting her. Gone was the stern-faced, domineering mother-in-law who was firmly in charge and knew best no matter what, and in her place was a frail, broken woman, overwhelmed by the crisis unfolding in her family and not knowing what to do.
I lightly rubbed her back and also took hold of Paula’s hand, for she was looking at Geraldine as though she, too, might cry. ‘It’s all right, love,’ I said gently to her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Geraldine said, raising her head. ‘I’m upsetting everyone.’
‘There’s no need to be sorry,’ I said. ‘You have a right to be upset. You’ve been carrying a huge burden.’
She wiped her eyes. ‘Thank you for taking Kim to school this morning. Was she all right?’
‘Yes. She met up with a friend. I stayed until it was time for them to go in.’
‘I couldn’t leave Laura alone this morning. She was in such a state. And Andy had to go to work.’
‘I’m happy to help any time,’ I said. ‘I can bring Kim home from school this afternoon if you wish. But I think Laura needs to see a doctor. If she won’t go to the surgery then perhaps you could arrange a home visit.’
Geraldine shrugged despondently and reached for another tissue. ‘I don’t know. I’d have to explain to the receptionist what was so urgent.’
‘The surgery staff are bound by confidentiality,’ I said. ‘Or, if you don’t want to talk to the receptionist, you could make an appointment to see the doctor yourself.’
‘That won’t be necessary,’ a voice suddenly said.
Geraldine and I started as Laura came into the room, barefoot and in her dressing gown.
‘Oh, you’re up,’ Geraldine said, shocked and immediately standing.
‘Yes. Is that allowed?’ Laura asked caustically. ‘I’ll shower and dress later.’
‘How are you?’ I asked, feeling I had to say something.
‘Very well, thank you. So there’s absolutely no need for me to see a doctor.’
And my first impression was that Laura did indeed look well and completely normal.
Chapter Eleven
Trying to Hurt Him (#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
‘I’m gasping for a coffee. Would you like one?’ Laura asked me, lightly running her hand through her hair.
‘Yes, please, if you’re making one.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Geraldine said. ‘And I’ll check on Liam.’
With her cloak of efficiency firmly back in place, Geraldine walked swiftly from the room. Laura sighed and sank into one of the armchairs. ‘She won’t let me do a thing, it’s so frustrating. And she fusses over Liam constantly. She’s even got him sleeping downstairs with her now.’
‘I think she’s just trying to help,’ I said awkwardly.
We heard Geraldine go into the front room to check on Liam and then into the kitchen.
‘Fran sends her best wishes,’ I said. ‘She said to phone her when you have a chance.’
‘Yes, I must phone her. I keep meaning to. But you know how the time flies when you have a baby. The days just seem to disappear. I’ll put it at the top of my to-do list,’ she added with a smile.
I smiled too and we were silent for some moments, both gazing at Paula who was playing with one of Liam’s soft toys. It was difficult to know what to say. I didn’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing, but I was amazed at how well she looked – not at all what I’d expected after what Geraldine had just told me. Her cheeks had colour and there was no sign of her previous anxiety or depression. She seemed relaxed and, apart from being irritated by Geraldine, happy.
‘It’s a lovely day outside,’ I said, glancing towards the garden.
‘Yes. I was thinking I might collect Kim this afternoon and take Liam, if she lets me.’
‘Good idea,’ I said, ignoring her jibe at Geraldine. I felt uncomfortable; I’d just been sympathizing with Geraldine and now I was being asked to take Laura’s side against her. Yet Laura’s resentment at having her mother-in-law make her decisions was understandable, as she appeared rational and capable of making her own decisions.
‘See how you feel later,’ I suggested. ‘I can bring Kim home if it helps.’
‘You can help me by removing the mother-in-law from hell from my house,’ Laura said with a sigh, unable to resist another dig. ‘She’s outstayed her welcome. Do you know, I’m not even allowed to make myself tea and toast when I feel like it? I fancied some last night. Then the next minute she’s in the kitchen saying I’m going to burn the house down. Just because I overcooked the toast! I mean, Cathy, tell me who hasn’t burned toast? Then she wonders why I snap at her. I get hungry breastfeeding.’
‘Yes, I did too,’ I said. ‘It’s important to eat and drink regularly when breastfeeding.’
‘She likes to give him a bottle of formula at night,’ she said, and glanced at the wall clock. ‘He’ll be awake soon for his ten o’clock feed. You don’t mind if I bring him in here to feed him, do you?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘She does,’ Laura said, again lambasting her mother-in-law. ‘She doesn’t think it’s proper to breastfeed in front of others, especially at the meal table. She told me she fed all of hers in the privacy of her bedroom. Well, good for her, I say. Times have changed. I’ll see if he is awake.’
Laura stood and began towards the living-room door as Geraldine came in carrying a tray of coffee and biscuits.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked Laura.
‘To see if Liam’s awake for his feed,’ Laura replied with attitude. ‘Is that OK?’
I felt embarrassed. Keeping her eyes down, Geraldine hurriedly set the tray on the occasional table and went down the hall after Laura. I heard their hushed voices coming from the front room in what sounded like a sharp exchange, and then a few moments later Laura returned carrying Liam in her arms. She raised her eyes in exasperation, which I pretended not to see, and she returned to her armchair.
‘Baby,’ Paula said, pointing.
‘Yes. He’s going to have his breakfast,’ I explained.
‘The second one today,’ Laura said with a smile, putting him to her breast.
I watched Paula’s face. It was a picture. As Laura fed Liam I sipped my coffee and we talked. Paula took a few steps closer to her for a better look. Laura didn’t mind. I saw the love that was in Laura’s eyes as she gazed at her son suckling contentedly. It was impossible to imagine what Geraldine had told me. Far from being wary of him as the devil’s child, Laura held him close, protectively. I’m sure she would have died for him rather than let any harm come to him, as most mothers would. Her tenderness and compassion were obvious, but why would Geraldine have made all that up?
When Liam finished suckling on one side Laura gently turned him round to finish feeding on the other side, all the time smiling down at him, full of love and kindness. Once he’d finished she winded him and then drank her now-lukewarm coffee. We continued talking, about babies, the school and fostering, which so many people are interested in and ask questions about, then I said I should be going, as I had things to do.
‘Thanks for stopping by,’ Laura said. ‘Can you see yourself out?’ Liam was fast asleep in her arms.
‘Yes, of course. Take care, and I hope to see you in the playground this afternoon.’
‘Yes.’ Paula clambered down from the sofa and we quietly left the room so we wouldn’t wake Liam. As we approached the front door Geraldine suddenly appeared from the front room. I had the feeling she’d been waiting there for me to leave.
‘If I’m not in the playground this afternoon, can you bring Kim home, please?’ she said quietly.
‘Yes, but Laura seems fine now,’ I said. ‘She’s talking about collecting Kim herself, and taking Liam.’
‘We’ll see about that,’ Geraldine said stiffly, all vulnerability gone. ‘She may seem fine now, but her moods can change very quickly. It will ease my mind to know that you will collect Kim if I’m not there.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. Although it seemed she’d already ruled out any possibility of Laura collecting Kim.
‘Thank you,’ Geraldine said flatly as she opened the front door.
I helped Paula out and over the step and the door closed behind us.
With Paula holding one hand, I pushed the stroller with the other and we walked slowly down the garden path and then along the street towards home. I was perplexed, worried and bemused by what had taken place and began to wonder if Geraldine was the one with issues, for I’d seen no evidence of the paranoia she’d described in Laura. Indeed, Laura had acted perfectly rationally, had talked in positive terms and seemed well balanced and the picture of health. True, she resented her mother-in-law big time, but who could blame her if she was trying to control and dominate her? But then again, why would anyone in their right mind make up such dreadful stories about their daughter-in-law? I didn’t know who or what to believe.
Once I’d settled Paula for her nap I took out my books, but I didn’t get very far with my research or writing. My thoughts kept returning to number 53 and the awful atmosphere that must pervade there, especially when Laura and her mother-in-law were there alone. Did they try to talk civilly to each other, or did they continuously argue or avoid each other by occupying different rooms? What a dreadful atmosphere for Kim to come home to, though perhaps they made an effort when she was there. I wondered what Andy, Laura’s husband and Geraldine’s son, made of it all. He must have felt as though he was caught between a rock and a hard place, with his mother and wife feuding. Surely he would take the necessary action, either by ensuring that Laura saw a doctor, if what Geraldine had said was true, or if it wasn’t then sending his mother home? Laura had needed help when she’d been depressed, but if Geraldine was now trying to create that need then it really fell to Andy to sort out the mess, difficult though it may be.
I was half expecting to see Laura in the playground that afternoon, as she’d seemed confident that she would be collecting Kim, but she didn’t arrive. Then, as the Klaxon sounded for the end of school, I realized that Geraldine wasn’t in the playground either. I moved closer to the door where the children would come out and watched carefully for Kim. Adrian’s class was out first and then Kim’s. When she emerged I went over to her.
‘Your gran asked me to collect you,’ I said.
‘Is Mum all right?’ Kim asked, immediately concerned.
‘Yes. I saw her and your brother this morning,’ I said with a cheery smile. It was all I could say, as clearly I didn’t know what had happened in the interim.
On the walk back home Kim baby-talked to Paula, which I guessed she did to her brother. It was sweet and Paula loved the attention. Then Kim told us about her class’s project on the Vikings. Their teacher had asked them all to take in as many cardboard boxes as they could the next day, as they were going to make a big model of a Viking boat, big enough for all the class to sit in and row.
‘That sounds great,’ I said. ‘How exciting.’ Children’s learning is so much fun now.
‘I’ll have to go to the shop if we haven’t got any boxes big enough,’ Kim said thoughtfully.
‘Do you still go shopping for your mum sometimes?’ I asked.
‘Not really. Gran’s there now.’
I would have liked to hear Kim’s views on what was going on at home, but it wasn’t appropriate for me to question her. We continued towards her house with Adrian joining in the talk about Viking boat building and Paula trying her best to say ‘Vi-King’, making it sound like a person.
I intended to walk Kim right up to her front door, but Geraldine must have been watching out for us, for as we stopped at her garden gate the front door opened and Geraldine appeared. Kim said goodbye to us and ran up the path. Geraldine gave a perfunctory wave of thanks and as soon as Kim was inside she closed the door, so I had no idea how Laura was.
We continued home and the evening passed as most school nights do, with the children playing while I made dinner, followed by Adrian’s homework, some television and then the children’s bath and bedtime routines. But Laura wasn’t far from my thoughts, and I wondered how their evening was progressing. That night, as Adrian and I hummed Brahms’s ‘Lullaby’, my thoughts turned to Shelley and Darrel. I hoped she’d let me know how her visit to her old foster carer, Carol, had gone, and whether she’d plucked up the courage to audition for the choir. But even if I never heard from her again I would still remember them both, as I was sure Adrian would.
I was in bed by ten-thirty and asleep before eleven, but then I was jolted wide awake by the telephone ringing. I grabbed the handset from my bedside cabinet with my heart thumping loudly and my mouth going dry, convinced a tragedy had befallen a loved one. It was the only reason I could think of for someone calling at this time, and with my husband, John, working abroad, the chances of it being bad news seemed dramatically increased.
‘Yes? Hello?’ I said, my voice shaking.
‘Cathy? Is that you?’
‘Laura?’
‘Yes, you sound different. Hope you don’t mind, but I thought I’d phone you for a chat.’
I looked at my bedside clock; it was 11.40. I heaved myself up the pillow and tried to calm my racing heart.
‘You don’t mind me calling, do you?’ Laura asked.
‘No. It’s just rather late. I was asleep.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the time. Shall I call you back another time?’
There didn’t seem much point now that I was awake. ‘It’s OK. Are you all right?’
‘Yes, I’m fine. It was nice of you to drop by today. I enjoyed your visit. I haven’t seen many people recently because I felt so down, but now I’m better I’ll catch up. I’ve just finished talking to Fran. We were on the phone for ages.’ She gave a small laugh.
‘That’s good,’ I said. I hoped Fran was a night owl.
‘I told her I’d be in the playground tomorrow.’
‘Great, although I thought I might see you there today.’
‘I intended to go, but then I nodded off on the sofa and Geraldine didn’t like to wake me or just slip out. You know how she fusses. Thanks for bringing Kim home.’
‘You’re welcome. Did she find some cardboard boxes for her class’s Viking project?’
Laura laughed. ‘Yes, lots. We had loads in the loft from when we moved. Andy went up there and got them down when he came home from work. I won’t go in the loft – there are spiders up there and I hate spiders.’
‘Yes, so do I.’
Our conversation continued – a perfectly normal chat between friends, if it hadn’t been so late. Laura did most of the talking, and I saw the clock ticking off the minutes to midnight. Then, at 12.15 a.m., I said, ‘I’m going to have to go now, Laura, and get some sleep. Why don’t you come to me tomorrow for a coffee after you’ve taken Kim to school?’
‘Yes, that would be lovely, thank you. I’ll let you sleep now. Sorry to have woken you. See you tomorrow.’
We said goodbye and I hung up. Yes, a perfectly normal conversation apart from the timing. No one with young children telephones a friend just for a chat in the middle of the night, but I assumed it was as Laura had said – that she’d lost track of time while talking to Fran. Thankfully the phone ringing hadn’t woken Adrian or Paula, but it took me a while to get back off to sleep.
As Laura was planning to take Kim to school the following morning I kept a lookout for her as we walked down our street. Parents with children who attended the local school left home more or less at the same time, so we often saw others walking the same route. That morning the children in Kim’s class were all carrying cardboard boxes, but there was no sign of Kim with her mother, either ahead of or behind us. They weren’t in the playground either, but Fran was and she came towards me with a cardboard box under each arm. Her daughter was carrying another two boxes. ‘Did Laura telephone you late last night?’ Fran asked me.
‘Yes.’
‘Oh dear. I am sorry. She told me she was planning on phoning you when we’d finished and I tried to persuade her not to. It was so late.’
‘Don’t worry. It was nice to hear from her, although it was late.’
‘It must have been. We were about to get into bed when she phoned me and we were talking for ages. My hubby wasn’t amused, although I explained I hadn’t heard from her in a long while. Laura said she’d been depressed but was all right now. I invited her for coffee this morning.’
‘So did I,’ I said, smiling, and again looking around for any sign of Laura. ‘I wonder where she is.’ There were others arriving with cardboard boxes of all sizes. Some of the children were carrying them on their backs like tortoise shells. It was comical.
‘She might have slept in,’ Fran said, also glancing around. ‘Laura told me she can’t sleep at night, and then sleeps in late or nods off during the day. Oh look, there’s her mother-in-law with Kim and the baby. So Laura hasn’t come. I’ll go over and see how she is.’
I turned as Fran went over and saw Geraldine with Kim pushing the pram. She was carrying a couple of cardboard boxes and had another one balanced on the pram. Geraldine was straight-faced as usual and, avoiding eye contact, kept her gaze ahead. I saw Fran say something to Geraldine and she responded with a curt nod and what looked like a very short reply. Fran then went over to speak to another mother, so I guessed she hadn’t learned much. The Klaxon sounded and I kissed Adrian goodbye. I saw Geraldine with the pram, speeding towards the exit, but I didn’t try to catch up. Fran looked at me and shrugged. ‘Not sure,’ she said as we left the playground. Then we went our separate ways.
I didn’t knock at number 53 on the way home. There was no reason to, and to do so would have crossed the line between good neighbourliness and intrusiveness. But of course I speculated on what exactly was going on.
Laura didn’t come for coffee, and I wasn’t surprised. Something told me that if she wasn’t up to taking Kim to school then she wouldn’t be coming to me. Maybe she’d gone to Fran’s instead, but I doubted it.
Laura wasn’t in the playground that afternoon either, and it was only after the children had come out of the building that I realized with a stab of horror that Geraldine wasn’t there either. Kim was waiting with her teacher as they were told to do if a parent or carer didn’t arrive to collect them. Grabbing Paula’s hand, and with Adrian in tow, I shot over to them.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said to her teacher. ‘I’m taking Kim home.’
‘No problem,’ she said, and Kim came with me.
But there was a problem. I knew then that I needed to clarify the arrangement I had with Geraldine for collecting Kim. I would ask her to telephone me when she wanted me to collect her. If you do something every day it becomes part of your routine, or if you’re asked to do something specifically it’s at the forefront of your mind. But this loose, ad hoc arrangement where I was expected to collect Kim if Geraldine (or Laura) wasn’t in the playground could easily lead to me forgetting Kim, as I’d just shown. Fortunately no harm had been done on this occasion.
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Cathy Glass
The heartbreaking true story of a young, troubled mother who needed help.The sixteenth fostering memoir by Cathy Glass.It is the first time Laura has been out since the birth of her baby when Cathy sees her in the school playground. A joyful occasion but Cathy has the feeling something is wrong. By the time she discovers what it is, it is too late. This is the true story of Laura whose life touches Cathy’s in a way she could never have foreseen. It is also the true stories of little Darrel, Samson and Hayley who she fosters when their parents need help. Some stories can have a happy ending and others cannot, but as a foster carer Cathy can only do her best.
(#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
Copyright (#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
Certain details in this story, including names, places and dates, have been changed to protect the children.
HarperElement
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published by HarperElement 2016
FIRST EDITION
© Cathy Glass 2016
A catalogue record of this book is
available from the British Library
Cover image © Krasimira Petrova Shishkova/Trevillion Images (posed by model)
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2016
Cathy Glass asserts the moral right to be
identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008153717
Ebook Edition © February 2016 ISBN: 9780008156589
Version: 2016-01-19
Contents
Cover (#u9b58880a-8f0a-5573-b20c-2ba97b3a04c2)
Title Page (#ulink_f3cdfefe-7c48-5ff9-a3f3-dc2233700ccc)
Copyright (#ulink_4f3b320f-b089-5954-886c-bdb8aee7c672)
Chapter Ten: The Devil’s Child (#ulink_496d16a2-da40-5f5f-943a-70d60b815110)
Chapter Eleven: Trying to Hurt Him (#ulink_118473c3-2979-54fb-9927-d51f7f01f24e)
Chapter Twelve: Very Serious (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen: Worry (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen: Gina (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen: Everley (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen: Home Again (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen: Progress (#litres_trial_promo)
Moving Memoirs eNewsletter (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten
The Devil’s Child (#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
School resumed on Monday after the half-term break and the air temperature rose dramatically by ten degrees, as it can do in England, catching everyone unawares and causing the weather reporter to pronounce a heat wave. The sun shone in a cloudless sky and the air was alive with birdsong and the scent of summer flowers. We didn’t need to wear our jackets to walk to school that morning.
Adrian was pleased to see his friends again and they ran around in the playground before school began. Parents chatted to each other, catching up on their news and asking each other if they’d had a nice holiday, and sharing what they’d done. Some families had spent the week at home just relaxing, pleased to be out of the school routine, while others had been more energetic, going out most days, and a couple of lucky families had been abroad for the week. As I talked to my friends I looked around for any sign of Laura, hoping she was now feeling well enough to bring Kim to school, but I couldn’t see her. Then just before the start of school Geraldine walked into the playground, with Kim beside her pushing the pram. Kim was looking around her, proud to be in charge of her baby brother, while Geraldine kept her gaze straight ahead, her face expressionless. I assumed therefore that Laura still didn’t feel up to coming out, or possibly she was just having a lie-in. I’d ask Geraldine how she was if I got the opportunity.
When the Klaxon sounded the children said goodbye to their parents and then lined up ready to go into school. The little groups of parents began dispersing, making their way towards the main gate. I looked over to where Geraldine had been standing. She was now walking briskly towards the exit. She was always one of the first out, slipping out ahead of everyone else, but this time her progress was slowed by the pram. I caught up with her as she waited for her turn to pass through the main gate.
‘Good morning,’ I said. Paula was holding my hand and toddling beside me.
Geraldine threw me her usual tight smile.
‘Baby,’ Paula said, pointing to the pram.
‘Yes. Baby Liam. How is he doing?’ I asked Geraldine. I could just see his little face over the cover, sleeping.
‘He’s well,’ she said.
‘And how’s Laura?’
‘These things take time.’
‘She didn’t feel up to coming here today then?’ I asked.
‘No.’
We were now through the main gate and on the pavement outside and it was clear Geraldine didn’t want to walk with us.
‘Give her my love,’ I said.
She nodded stiffly and then, head down, she set off, pushing the pram at a brisk pace.
‘Baby Liam,’ Paula said again.
‘Yes,’ I said absently. ‘With his grandmother.’
As we passed number 53 Paula and I both glanced at the house, but there was no one to be seen, and we continued our haltingly slow journey home. It didn’t matter that it took us ages; it was a beautiful day and Paula was finding plenty to interest her along the way: ants scurrying across pavements, a cat basking on a sun-drenched wall, front gardens with an array of brightly coloured flowers, all of which were wonderfully new and inspiring to the enquiring young mind of a small child. I wished I had Laura’s telephone number – I could have phoned her; just a friendly call to see how she was, for I didn’t feel I could simply arrive on her doorstep. The last time I’d visited, Geraldine had made it clear that she’d let me know when Laura was up to having visitors again.
Once home, Paula and I went straight into the garden and I played in the sandpit with her. It was nice being able to give her some one-to-one time again, and she enjoyed it. Mid-morning I settled her for a nap and continued my dissertation. I wondered if Samson’s social worker would telephone for feedback on Samson’s respite, but she didn’t. However, at lunchtime Shelley’s social worker telephoned to ask if I could foster a four-month-old baby they were bringing into care the next day. Reluctantly I had to say no, and I explained about my degree.
‘OK. Good luck with it,’ she said. ‘I’ll make a note on the whiteboard.’
‘Thank you.’
That afternoon Geraldine was in the playground again with Liam in the pram, and as usual she stood by herself with her eyes fixed firmly ahead. When the children came out I saw Kim pushing the pram towards the exit, but they were well ahead of us by the time we left the playground, as Paula wanted to walk. The next day was the same: Geraldine brought Liam to school in the morning and the afternoon. I didn’t know what this said about how Laura was feeling, but I had to believe that Geraldine and Laura’s husband, Andy, knew what was best for her, as they were close to her and had helped her through a difficult time after the birth of Kim. There’s a fine line between being friendly and neighbourly and being intrusive and a nosy parker, so I felt any further enquiry from me about Laura at that time would be unwelcome and probably resented. If Laura had been an old friend it would have been very different, but for now I just had to accept that Geraldine was in charge and knew best.
However, all that changed the following morning.
It was another fine day and we were walking to school. Paula, as usual, was in her stroller with the promise that she could walk back. As we passed number 53 the front door suddenly burst open. Kim ran out and down the path as Geraldine stood in the doorway. ‘Gran says can you take me to school today,’ Kim said. ‘She has to stay with Mum.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. I looked towards the open door, but Geraldine gave a cursory wave and closed it.
‘Is your mum all right?’ I asked Kim.
‘I don’t know. She had a bad night. Gran didn’t want to leave her alone, and my daddy had to go to work. We’ve been looking out for you.’
‘Is your mum sick?’ I asked, worried. I had no idea what a ‘bad night’ meant in this context.
‘Not really,’ Kim said, and looked uncomfortable. I knew not to question her further. She was only seven and I didn’t want to place her in an awkward position by asking questions that she couldn’t or didn’t want to answer.
‘I gave Liam his bottle this morning,’ Kim said proudly, brightening, as she fell into step beside us.
‘Well done. That was a big help,’ I said.
‘I don’t like helping to change his nappy, though,’ she said, pulling a face.
‘Yuk!’ Adrian agreed. ‘She still poos in a nappy,’ he said, pointing at Paula, and dissolved into laughter. He was at an age when he and his friends found toilet talk hilarious.
‘Baby Liam?’ Paula asked, leaning out of her stroller for a better look at Kim.
‘Hi,’ Kim said sweetly. ‘Liam’s at home.’
She took hold of Paula’s hand and we continued down the street with Kim on one side of the stroller and Adrian on the other. Adrian and Kim began talking about school and then a popular children’s television programme, while I thought about Laura. Why didn’t Geraldine want to leave her alone? It didn’t sound good, and I thought maybe this was the excuse I needed to call in on the way home.
Once in the playground I let Paula out of the stroller and she immediately crouched down and began examining the tarmac, poking her finger at a couple of loose chippings. It’s incredible what little ones can spot and play with. A mother approached me with a child of a similar age to Kim. I knew her slightly from seeing her in the playground.
‘You’ve brought Kim,’ she said. ‘Is Laura all right? I’m Fran. Our girls are friends. How is she?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said honestly. ‘Her mother-in-law asked me to bring Kim to school this morning.’
‘I’m worried about her,’ Fran confided. ‘I’ve tried phoning and I’ve left messages, but she hasn’t got back to me.’ The two girls took skipping ropes from their bags and began skipping.
‘I’m thinking of stopping by her house on the way back this morning,’ I said. ‘We live in the same street. I’ll tell her you were asking after her.’
‘Oh yes, please do.’ She hesitated. ‘I hope I haven’t done anything to upset her. We were both relatively new to the area and seemed to hit it off as friends. But I haven’t seen or heard from her since she was in the playground that morning weeks ago.’
‘I’m sure it’s nothing like that,’ I said.
Clearly I didn’t know how much Laura had confided in Fran, and Geraldine’s words about not discussing Laura in the playground rang in my ears – although, of course, we were only concerned for her wellbeing.
‘Give her my best wishes,’ Fran said. ‘And tell her I hope to hear from her soon.’
‘I will.’
The Klaxon sounded and I said goodbye to both Adrian and Kim and watched them line up. ‘We’re going to see baby Liam on the way home,’ I told Paula, taking her hand.
‘Baby Liam,’ she said and chuckled excitedly.
I wasn’t excited, I was very apprehensive, partly from having to confront the formidable Geraldine again, but also because I wasn’t convinced I was doing the right thing in just dropping by. Perhaps I was turning into the busybody up the road – ‘You know, that woman, the foster carer who thinks she knows everything.’ But on the other hand I had a gut feeling that I should stop by and try to see Laura, and sometimes I think it’s best if we follow our instincts or intuition.
With the promise of visiting baby Liam, Paula walked faster than usual and didn’t stop to examine every little thing that caught her eye. ‘Baby Liam,’ she said every so often with a smile.
‘Yes, I hope we can see him.’ For obviously we might not be invited in.
Undaunted, Paula continued at her best toddling pace along the street until we arrived at Laura’s house. ‘Baby Liam,’ she announced, trying to open the gate.
I lifted the latch, opened the gate and we went up the front path. I parked the stroller in the porch and pressed the doorbell. I felt my pulse speed up a notch and my stomach tighten. I had no idea what to expect, and as we waited for the bell to be answered I prepared myself for most eventualities, including the door not being opened or opened and then shut in my face – most eventualities except … Geraldine answering the door in tears.
‘Oh. I’m sorry,’ I said, embarrassed and completely taken aback. ‘I’ve called at a bad time.’
She looked at me, a tissue pressed to her lips and despair in her eyes. I didn’t know what to do. My instinct was to hug and comfort her, but given her previous hostility I didn’t think she’d want my comfort, yet I couldn’t just walk away.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ I asked awkwardly. Paula looked at her, also concerned.
Geraldine shook her head and wiped her eyes, but fresh tears formed. Usually so capable, determined, even hard, her vulnerability shocked and deeply saddened me. With a heartfelt sigh she turned from the door and walked down the hall, leaving the front door wide open. I assumed she wanted me to go in, so I helped Paula over the doorstep and then once in the hall I closed the door. The house was quiet – unnaturally quiet considering there was another adult and a baby inside. There was a stale smell of burning as though food had caught fire. Geraldine had disappeared down the hall and into the living room. Still holding Paula’s hand, I followed her. Paula had fallen silent, perhaps sensing the atmosphere.
In the living room Geraldine was standing with her back to me, gazing through the glass patio doors. There was no sign of Liam or Laura, but there were a few of his soft toys propped on the sofa and, dropping my hand, Paula went over to them. I crossed the room and stood beside Geraldine. She was staring, unseeing, down the garden.
‘Is there anything I can get you?’ I asked after a moment. ‘A drink of water or a cup of tea?’
She wiped her eyes and shook her head. ‘It’ll take more than tea to put this lot right, Cathy,’ she said.
She’d never used my name before and I sensed a shift in her attitude towards me. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I asked gently, touching her arm.
‘It wouldn’t do any good,’ she said, her eyes filling again.
Then a terrible thought struck me. ‘Are Liam and Laura all right? They’re not hurt?’
‘No. Laura is in bed upstairs and Liam is asleep in his cot in the front room.’
I remained standing beside Geraldine, not sure what to say or do but feeling I should stay. Paula began playing silently with the soft toys as Geraldine and I gazed down the garden, the joy of the summer outside now at odds with the unhappiness inside. Sometimes silence is more empathetic than words, so I stood quietly beside Geraldine, close but not touching. I sensed she wanted to talk, possibly to confide; that was why she’d left the front door open for us to come in. With her guard down she was less hostile to me, but she was finding it difficult, almost impossible, to know where to begin. I’d seen this before in children I’d fostered who were trying to disclose and tell me about something dreadful that had happened and which they’d kept a secret for a long time. They needed to tell but were fearful of the consequences, so I did now what I did then and waited until they found the strength to start.
After some minutes Geraldine took a deep breath and, still looking straight ahead, said faintly, ‘We moved Liam’s cot downstairs last week. Andy and I are taking it in turns to sleep on the sofa in the front room so we can keep an eye on him. It’s no longer safe for him to be upstairs with his mother.’
An icy chill ran down my spine. ‘Why not?’ I asked gently.
‘Because Laura thinks he’s the devil’s child. My little grandson, the work of the devil! I ask you, Cathy, it would be laughable if she didn’t believe it.’ Her face crumpled and she wiped away fresh tears.
I’d heard many terrible disclosures in the past from abused children and I knew it was important that I hid my shock and remained outwardly calm and in control to give them the strength they needed to continue.
‘Shall we sit down?’ I suggested.
She nodded, and we crossed to the sofa, where I moved Paula to one end to make room for us. ‘Good girl,’ I said quietly to her, for she was looking worried.
Geraldine sat upright on the sofa and stared straight ahead. ‘It’s worse this time,’ she said. ‘Far worse than when Laura had Kim. She seems to be losing touch with reality, and she’s started threatening me.’
‘Laura is threatening you?’ I asked, shocked.
‘Yes. She doesn’t want me here. She resents me, but she can’t manage on her own, and Andy has to work. She rarely sleeps. She’s up most of the night and often doesn’t know where she is. She’s started having weird waking dreams, like she’s hallucinating. She wanders around. Last night I smelled burning and found her in the kitchen, making toast. It was two o’clock in the morning and she kept saying she didn’t like the toast I made, as I didn’t toast it enough. So she kept putting the same slice of toast back into the toaster until eventually it caught fire. I threw it in the sink and she became aggressive. I had to fetch Andy to put her back to bed. I try not to wake him, but she could have burned the house down.’ She took a deep breath and wiped her nose. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s all right,’ I said, touching her arm.
‘She’s started doing other irrational things and talking a lot of nonsense,’ Geraldine continued, keeping her eyes down. ‘Liam has a birthmark on his back. It’s not very big, but Laura read somewhere that in ancient times they thought birthmarks were put there by the devil, so the child belongs to the devil and does his work. It’s ridiculous, obviously, but she seems to believe it. She’s wary of him and I’m frightened she could do him harm. You won’t tell anyone, will you?’ she said, suddenly turning to me.
‘No, of course not, but Laura does need help. More than you and Andy can give her. What did the doctor say?’
‘She won’t go. She hasn’t been. Now she’s got worse she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. When she was just depressed she agreed to tell the doctor, but now she refuses to believe there is anything the matter with her. She says we’re ganging up on her and making it up.’
‘She was going to talk to the doctor at her six-week postnatal check-up. Did that not happen?’
‘I don’t think so. I took her to the appointment, but she wouldn’t let me in when she saw the doctor. I can’t force her to tell a doctor. And to be honest I’m worried that the same thing could happen to her as to her mother. She spent over six months in a psychiatric hospital following the birth of Laura.’
‘Oh, I see,’ I said. ‘Laura mentioned her mother had suffered from postnatal depression, but I didn’t realize it was that severe.’
‘We don’t talk about it. Laura’s parents didn’t have any more children after Laura,’ Geraldine said. ‘She and Andy weren’t going to have another one after Kim. But then it happened and we all hoped for the best. I read somewhere that because a woman has been depressed after having one baby it doesn’t mean it will happen again. But it has. And it’s getting worse.’ Geraldine shrugged with despair. ‘I thought we’d be able to cope and that I could help them through like I did last time. I’ve only done what I thought was right, Cathy, but it seems I’ve made things worse – far worse.’ Her face creased and, holding her head in her hands, she wept openly.
Now I had no hesitation in putting my arm around her shoulders and comforting her. Gone was the stern-faced, domineering mother-in-law who was firmly in charge and knew best no matter what, and in her place was a frail, broken woman, overwhelmed by the crisis unfolding in her family and not knowing what to do.
I lightly rubbed her back and also took hold of Paula’s hand, for she was looking at Geraldine as though she, too, might cry. ‘It’s all right, love,’ I said gently to her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Geraldine said, raising her head. ‘I’m upsetting everyone.’
‘There’s no need to be sorry,’ I said. ‘You have a right to be upset. You’ve been carrying a huge burden.’
She wiped her eyes. ‘Thank you for taking Kim to school this morning. Was she all right?’
‘Yes. She met up with a friend. I stayed until it was time for them to go in.’
‘I couldn’t leave Laura alone this morning. She was in such a state. And Andy had to go to work.’
‘I’m happy to help any time,’ I said. ‘I can bring Kim home from school this afternoon if you wish. But I think Laura needs to see a doctor. If she won’t go to the surgery then perhaps you could arrange a home visit.’
Geraldine shrugged despondently and reached for another tissue. ‘I don’t know. I’d have to explain to the receptionist what was so urgent.’
‘The surgery staff are bound by confidentiality,’ I said. ‘Or, if you don’t want to talk to the receptionist, you could make an appointment to see the doctor yourself.’
‘That won’t be necessary,’ a voice suddenly said.
Geraldine and I started as Laura came into the room, barefoot and in her dressing gown.
‘Oh, you’re up,’ Geraldine said, shocked and immediately standing.
‘Yes. Is that allowed?’ Laura asked caustically. ‘I’ll shower and dress later.’
‘How are you?’ I asked, feeling I had to say something.
‘Very well, thank you. So there’s absolutely no need for me to see a doctor.’
And my first impression was that Laura did indeed look well and completely normal.
Chapter Eleven
Trying to Hurt Him (#ud1acd8a3-e332-5f40-9439-3ff7b8ea4866)
‘I’m gasping for a coffee. Would you like one?’ Laura asked me, lightly running her hand through her hair.
‘Yes, please, if you’re making one.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Geraldine said. ‘And I’ll check on Liam.’
With her cloak of efficiency firmly back in place, Geraldine walked swiftly from the room. Laura sighed and sank into one of the armchairs. ‘She won’t let me do a thing, it’s so frustrating. And she fusses over Liam constantly. She’s even got him sleeping downstairs with her now.’
‘I think she’s just trying to help,’ I said awkwardly.
We heard Geraldine go into the front room to check on Liam and then into the kitchen.
‘Fran sends her best wishes,’ I said. ‘She said to phone her when you have a chance.’
‘Yes, I must phone her. I keep meaning to. But you know how the time flies when you have a baby. The days just seem to disappear. I’ll put it at the top of my to-do list,’ she added with a smile.
I smiled too and we were silent for some moments, both gazing at Paula who was playing with one of Liam’s soft toys. It was difficult to know what to say. I didn’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing, but I was amazed at how well she looked – not at all what I’d expected after what Geraldine had just told me. Her cheeks had colour and there was no sign of her previous anxiety or depression. She seemed relaxed and, apart from being irritated by Geraldine, happy.
‘It’s a lovely day outside,’ I said, glancing towards the garden.
‘Yes. I was thinking I might collect Kim this afternoon and take Liam, if she lets me.’
‘Good idea,’ I said, ignoring her jibe at Geraldine. I felt uncomfortable; I’d just been sympathizing with Geraldine and now I was being asked to take Laura’s side against her. Yet Laura’s resentment at having her mother-in-law make her decisions was understandable, as she appeared rational and capable of making her own decisions.
‘See how you feel later,’ I suggested. ‘I can bring Kim home if it helps.’
‘You can help me by removing the mother-in-law from hell from my house,’ Laura said with a sigh, unable to resist another dig. ‘She’s outstayed her welcome. Do you know, I’m not even allowed to make myself tea and toast when I feel like it? I fancied some last night. Then the next minute she’s in the kitchen saying I’m going to burn the house down. Just because I overcooked the toast! I mean, Cathy, tell me who hasn’t burned toast? Then she wonders why I snap at her. I get hungry breastfeeding.’
‘Yes, I did too,’ I said. ‘It’s important to eat and drink regularly when breastfeeding.’
‘She likes to give him a bottle of formula at night,’ she said, and glanced at the wall clock. ‘He’ll be awake soon for his ten o’clock feed. You don’t mind if I bring him in here to feed him, do you?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘She does,’ Laura said, again lambasting her mother-in-law. ‘She doesn’t think it’s proper to breastfeed in front of others, especially at the meal table. She told me she fed all of hers in the privacy of her bedroom. Well, good for her, I say. Times have changed. I’ll see if he is awake.’
Laura stood and began towards the living-room door as Geraldine came in carrying a tray of coffee and biscuits.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked Laura.
‘To see if Liam’s awake for his feed,’ Laura replied with attitude. ‘Is that OK?’
I felt embarrassed. Keeping her eyes down, Geraldine hurriedly set the tray on the occasional table and went down the hall after Laura. I heard their hushed voices coming from the front room in what sounded like a sharp exchange, and then a few moments later Laura returned carrying Liam in her arms. She raised her eyes in exasperation, which I pretended not to see, and she returned to her armchair.
‘Baby,’ Paula said, pointing.
‘Yes. He’s going to have his breakfast,’ I explained.
‘The second one today,’ Laura said with a smile, putting him to her breast.
I watched Paula’s face. It was a picture. As Laura fed Liam I sipped my coffee and we talked. Paula took a few steps closer to her for a better look. Laura didn’t mind. I saw the love that was in Laura’s eyes as she gazed at her son suckling contentedly. It was impossible to imagine what Geraldine had told me. Far from being wary of him as the devil’s child, Laura held him close, protectively. I’m sure she would have died for him rather than let any harm come to him, as most mothers would. Her tenderness and compassion were obvious, but why would Geraldine have made all that up?
When Liam finished suckling on one side Laura gently turned him round to finish feeding on the other side, all the time smiling down at him, full of love and kindness. Once he’d finished she winded him and then drank her now-lukewarm coffee. We continued talking, about babies, the school and fostering, which so many people are interested in and ask questions about, then I said I should be going, as I had things to do.
‘Thanks for stopping by,’ Laura said. ‘Can you see yourself out?’ Liam was fast asleep in her arms.
‘Yes, of course. Take care, and I hope to see you in the playground this afternoon.’
‘Yes.’ Paula clambered down from the sofa and we quietly left the room so we wouldn’t wake Liam. As we approached the front door Geraldine suddenly appeared from the front room. I had the feeling she’d been waiting there for me to leave.
‘If I’m not in the playground this afternoon, can you bring Kim home, please?’ she said quietly.
‘Yes, but Laura seems fine now,’ I said. ‘She’s talking about collecting Kim herself, and taking Liam.’
‘We’ll see about that,’ Geraldine said stiffly, all vulnerability gone. ‘She may seem fine now, but her moods can change very quickly. It will ease my mind to know that you will collect Kim if I’m not there.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. Although it seemed she’d already ruled out any possibility of Laura collecting Kim.
‘Thank you,’ Geraldine said flatly as she opened the front door.
I helped Paula out and over the step and the door closed behind us.
With Paula holding one hand, I pushed the stroller with the other and we walked slowly down the garden path and then along the street towards home. I was perplexed, worried and bemused by what had taken place and began to wonder if Geraldine was the one with issues, for I’d seen no evidence of the paranoia she’d described in Laura. Indeed, Laura had acted perfectly rationally, had talked in positive terms and seemed well balanced and the picture of health. True, she resented her mother-in-law big time, but who could blame her if she was trying to control and dominate her? But then again, why would anyone in their right mind make up such dreadful stories about their daughter-in-law? I didn’t know who or what to believe.
Once I’d settled Paula for her nap I took out my books, but I didn’t get very far with my research or writing. My thoughts kept returning to number 53 and the awful atmosphere that must pervade there, especially when Laura and her mother-in-law were there alone. Did they try to talk civilly to each other, or did they continuously argue or avoid each other by occupying different rooms? What a dreadful atmosphere for Kim to come home to, though perhaps they made an effort when she was there. I wondered what Andy, Laura’s husband and Geraldine’s son, made of it all. He must have felt as though he was caught between a rock and a hard place, with his mother and wife feuding. Surely he would take the necessary action, either by ensuring that Laura saw a doctor, if what Geraldine had said was true, or if it wasn’t then sending his mother home? Laura had needed help when she’d been depressed, but if Geraldine was now trying to create that need then it really fell to Andy to sort out the mess, difficult though it may be.
I was half expecting to see Laura in the playground that afternoon, as she’d seemed confident that she would be collecting Kim, but she didn’t arrive. Then, as the Klaxon sounded for the end of school, I realized that Geraldine wasn’t in the playground either. I moved closer to the door where the children would come out and watched carefully for Kim. Adrian’s class was out first and then Kim’s. When she emerged I went over to her.
‘Your gran asked me to collect you,’ I said.
‘Is Mum all right?’ Kim asked, immediately concerned.
‘Yes. I saw her and your brother this morning,’ I said with a cheery smile. It was all I could say, as clearly I didn’t know what had happened in the interim.
On the walk back home Kim baby-talked to Paula, which I guessed she did to her brother. It was sweet and Paula loved the attention. Then Kim told us about her class’s project on the Vikings. Their teacher had asked them all to take in as many cardboard boxes as they could the next day, as they were going to make a big model of a Viking boat, big enough for all the class to sit in and row.
‘That sounds great,’ I said. ‘How exciting.’ Children’s learning is so much fun now.
‘I’ll have to go to the shop if we haven’t got any boxes big enough,’ Kim said thoughtfully.
‘Do you still go shopping for your mum sometimes?’ I asked.
‘Not really. Gran’s there now.’
I would have liked to hear Kim’s views on what was going on at home, but it wasn’t appropriate for me to question her. We continued towards her house with Adrian joining in the talk about Viking boat building and Paula trying her best to say ‘Vi-King’, making it sound like a person.
I intended to walk Kim right up to her front door, but Geraldine must have been watching out for us, for as we stopped at her garden gate the front door opened and Geraldine appeared. Kim said goodbye to us and ran up the path. Geraldine gave a perfunctory wave of thanks and as soon as Kim was inside she closed the door, so I had no idea how Laura was.
We continued home and the evening passed as most school nights do, with the children playing while I made dinner, followed by Adrian’s homework, some television and then the children’s bath and bedtime routines. But Laura wasn’t far from my thoughts, and I wondered how their evening was progressing. That night, as Adrian and I hummed Brahms’s ‘Lullaby’, my thoughts turned to Shelley and Darrel. I hoped she’d let me know how her visit to her old foster carer, Carol, had gone, and whether she’d plucked up the courage to audition for the choir. But even if I never heard from her again I would still remember them both, as I was sure Adrian would.
I was in bed by ten-thirty and asleep before eleven, but then I was jolted wide awake by the telephone ringing. I grabbed the handset from my bedside cabinet with my heart thumping loudly and my mouth going dry, convinced a tragedy had befallen a loved one. It was the only reason I could think of for someone calling at this time, and with my husband, John, working abroad, the chances of it being bad news seemed dramatically increased.
‘Yes? Hello?’ I said, my voice shaking.
‘Cathy? Is that you?’
‘Laura?’
‘Yes, you sound different. Hope you don’t mind, but I thought I’d phone you for a chat.’
I looked at my bedside clock; it was 11.40. I heaved myself up the pillow and tried to calm my racing heart.
‘You don’t mind me calling, do you?’ Laura asked.
‘No. It’s just rather late. I was asleep.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the time. Shall I call you back another time?’
There didn’t seem much point now that I was awake. ‘It’s OK. Are you all right?’
‘Yes, I’m fine. It was nice of you to drop by today. I enjoyed your visit. I haven’t seen many people recently because I felt so down, but now I’m better I’ll catch up. I’ve just finished talking to Fran. We were on the phone for ages.’ She gave a small laugh.
‘That’s good,’ I said. I hoped Fran was a night owl.
‘I told her I’d be in the playground tomorrow.’
‘Great, although I thought I might see you there today.’
‘I intended to go, but then I nodded off on the sofa and Geraldine didn’t like to wake me or just slip out. You know how she fusses. Thanks for bringing Kim home.’
‘You’re welcome. Did she find some cardboard boxes for her class’s Viking project?’
Laura laughed. ‘Yes, lots. We had loads in the loft from when we moved. Andy went up there and got them down when he came home from work. I won’t go in the loft – there are spiders up there and I hate spiders.’
‘Yes, so do I.’
Our conversation continued – a perfectly normal chat between friends, if it hadn’t been so late. Laura did most of the talking, and I saw the clock ticking off the minutes to midnight. Then, at 12.15 a.m., I said, ‘I’m going to have to go now, Laura, and get some sleep. Why don’t you come to me tomorrow for a coffee after you’ve taken Kim to school?’
‘Yes, that would be lovely, thank you. I’ll let you sleep now. Sorry to have woken you. See you tomorrow.’
We said goodbye and I hung up. Yes, a perfectly normal conversation apart from the timing. No one with young children telephones a friend just for a chat in the middle of the night, but I assumed it was as Laura had said – that she’d lost track of time while talking to Fran. Thankfully the phone ringing hadn’t woken Adrian or Paula, but it took me a while to get back off to sleep.
As Laura was planning to take Kim to school the following morning I kept a lookout for her as we walked down our street. Parents with children who attended the local school left home more or less at the same time, so we often saw others walking the same route. That morning the children in Kim’s class were all carrying cardboard boxes, but there was no sign of Kim with her mother, either ahead of or behind us. They weren’t in the playground either, but Fran was and she came towards me with a cardboard box under each arm. Her daughter was carrying another two boxes. ‘Did Laura telephone you late last night?’ Fran asked me.
‘Yes.’
‘Oh dear. I am sorry. She told me she was planning on phoning you when we’d finished and I tried to persuade her not to. It was so late.’
‘Don’t worry. It was nice to hear from her, although it was late.’
‘It must have been. We were about to get into bed when she phoned me and we were talking for ages. My hubby wasn’t amused, although I explained I hadn’t heard from her in a long while. Laura said she’d been depressed but was all right now. I invited her for coffee this morning.’
‘So did I,’ I said, smiling, and again looking around for any sign of Laura. ‘I wonder where she is.’ There were others arriving with cardboard boxes of all sizes. Some of the children were carrying them on their backs like tortoise shells. It was comical.
‘She might have slept in,’ Fran said, also glancing around. ‘Laura told me she can’t sleep at night, and then sleeps in late or nods off during the day. Oh look, there’s her mother-in-law with Kim and the baby. So Laura hasn’t come. I’ll go over and see how she is.’
I turned as Fran went over and saw Geraldine with Kim pushing the pram. She was carrying a couple of cardboard boxes and had another one balanced on the pram. Geraldine was straight-faced as usual and, avoiding eye contact, kept her gaze ahead. I saw Fran say something to Geraldine and she responded with a curt nod and what looked like a very short reply. Fran then went over to speak to another mother, so I guessed she hadn’t learned much. The Klaxon sounded and I kissed Adrian goodbye. I saw Geraldine with the pram, speeding towards the exit, but I didn’t try to catch up. Fran looked at me and shrugged. ‘Not sure,’ she said as we left the playground. Then we went our separate ways.
I didn’t knock at number 53 on the way home. There was no reason to, and to do so would have crossed the line between good neighbourliness and intrusiveness. But of course I speculated on what exactly was going on.
Laura didn’t come for coffee, and I wasn’t surprised. Something told me that if she wasn’t up to taking Kim to school then she wouldn’t be coming to me. Maybe she’d gone to Fran’s instead, but I doubted it.
Laura wasn’t in the playground that afternoon either, and it was only after the children had come out of the building that I realized with a stab of horror that Geraldine wasn’t there either. Kim was waiting with her teacher as they were told to do if a parent or carer didn’t arrive to collect them. Grabbing Paula’s hand, and with Adrian in tow, I shot over to them.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said to her teacher. ‘I’m taking Kim home.’
‘No problem,’ she said, and Kim came with me.
But there was a problem. I knew then that I needed to clarify the arrangement I had with Geraldine for collecting Kim. I would ask her to telephone me when she wanted me to collect her. If you do something every day it becomes part of your routine, or if you’re asked to do something specifically it’s at the forefront of your mind. But this loose, ad hoc arrangement where I was expected to collect Kim if Geraldine (or Laura) wasn’t in the playground could easily lead to me forgetting Kim, as I’d just shown. Fortunately no harm had been done on this occasion.
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Cathy Glass
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Биографии и мемуары
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 28.04.2024
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О книге: The heartbreaking true story of a young, troubled mother who needed help.The sixteenth fostering memoir by Cathy Glass.It is the first time Laura has been out since the birth of her baby when Cathy sees her in the school playground. A joyful occasion but Cathy has the feeling something is wrong. By the time she discovers what it is, it is too late. This is the true story of Laura whose life touches Cathy’s in a way she could never have foreseen. It is also the true stories of little Darrel, Samson and Hayley who she fosters when their parents need help. Some stories can have a happy ending and others cannot, but as a foster carer Cathy can only do her best.