The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You
The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You
Barbara De Angelis
De Angelis, America’s foremost relationships expert, offers her own 25 Rules – showing real women who are tired of playing games how to find a lasting, satisfying relationship with Mr Right.The Real Rules explains how you need to become the confident, unique women you are and finding a man who loves you because of it. It includes:The 6 most important character traits to look for in a man.What men really want in a woman (and in the bedroom).When and how to ask a man for a commitment.
The REAL RULES
HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE REAL YOU
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.
CONTENTS
Cover (#uf1a7d973-1FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Title Page (#uf1a7d973-2FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Foreword (#uf1a7d973-4FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Part 1 THE REAL RULES: WHAT THEY ARE AND WHY YOU NEED THEM (#uf1a7d973-5FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
What Are The Real Rules? (#uf1a7d973-6FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life With the Old Rules (#uf1a7d973-9FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (#uf1a7d973-15FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You (#uf1a7d973-16FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do (#uf1a7d973-17FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like The Real Rules (#uf1a7d973-18FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #4: Don’t Play Games (#uf1a7d973-19FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #5: Be Yourself (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #6: If You Like Someone, Let Him Know (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #7: Ask Questions Before You Get Too Involved (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #8: Don’t Date Men Who Aren’t Completely Available (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #9: Look for a Man With Good Character (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #10: Pay Attention to Warning Signs of Possible Problems (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #11: Judge a Man by the Size of His Heart, Not by the Size of His Wallet (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #12: Be Fair: Don’t Practice Double Standards (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #13: Don’t Fall in Love With a Man’s Potential (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 3 THE REAL RULES FOR COMMUNICATING WITH MEN (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #14: Be Honest About Your Feelings (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #15: Show Your Most Attractive Feature—Your Mind (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #16: Be Emotionally Generous, Not Emotionally Stingy (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 4 THE REAL RULES ABOUT SEX (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #17: Wait Until You Are Emotionally Intimate Before Becoming Sexually Intimate (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #18: Don’t Lower Yourself to Behaving Like a Sex Object (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #19: Apply The Real Rules in Bed (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 5 THE REAL RULES ABOUT GETTING A MAN TO MAKE A COMMITMENT (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #20: Make Sure Your Relationship Goes Through the Four Stages of Commitment (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #21: Emotional Commitments Are More Valuable Than an Engagement Ring (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #22: Never Pressure a Man Into Making a Commitment (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 6 HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH THE REAL RULES (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #23: Be Patient as You Switch From the Old Rules to the Real Rules (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #24: Protect Yourself With Your Head, Not Your Heart (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #25: Use The Real Rules With Everyone in Your Life (#litres_trial_promo)
THE REAL RULES FOR LIFE (#litres_trial_promo)
Conclusion (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Also by the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
FOREWORD (#)
Let me tell you the story of how I decided to write The Real Rules:
One day in the fall of 1996, I was having lunch with several female friends. As we started on our salads, one of the women asked: “So Barbara, what do you think of that book everyone’s talking about—The Rules?” Now, I’d heard about this book which supposedly tells women how to get a man to marry them, but hadn’t actually seen it, so I answered frankly, “I haven’t read it.”
“You haven’t?” She reached into her purse and handed me a small paperback. “Here—someone in my office just gave me this as a joke. You aren’t going to believe this book!”
Now I was intrigued. Naturally, over the years, as a leading authority on relationships, I’ve always been asked my opinion about other books on love, but even when I’ve disagreed with the author’s thinking, I have never publicly criticized what I’ve read—that’s just not my style. And so I was completely unprepared for what happened next.
I looked at the book: The Rules. The cover looked harmless enough. Then, I opened the book and began to read—one piece of bad, recycled, antiquated advice after another—the kind of advice my grandmother gave my mother at the same time that she informed her she could get pregnant from kissing a man. At first, I thought that I’d misunderstood, that maybe this was one of those comic takeoffs on self-help books. Then, to my horror, as each chapter got progressively worse, I realized that this wasn’t a joke—this was supposed to be serious!
I could hardly believe what I was reading:
“… the man must take the lead …”
“… be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike …”
“… don’t say much, let him do all the thinking, the talking …”
“… he runs the show …”
“… if you don’t get jewelry … you might as well call it quits …”
“… try wearing tight jeans, a miniskirt, or a deep V-necked shirt …”
“… if you have a bad nose, get a nose job.”
“… overweight is not The Rules …”
These weren’t the rules for happiness—they were the rules for messing up your love life and behaving like the worst stereotype of a superficial, submissive woman!!
What I’m talking about goes way beyond any current book—it goes back centuries. They are the very ideas that caused millions of women (including me) to get into bad relationships with men they shouldn’t have even dated in the first place; the very ideas that had trapped so many women into love-starved, meaningless marriages they were afraid to leave; the very ideas that had created whole generations of women with low self-esteem; the very ideas from which I and so many other successful and happy women had spent our whole lives working hard to break free.
I thought about all the unsuspecting women who were desperately putting The Rules into practice, not realizing the price they were eventually going to pay for compromising their honesty, integrity, and self-respect in order to trap a man.
I thought about all the teenage girls reading this junk, believing it was the truth, and getting their first boyfriend by playing games, showing their cleavage, and keeping their mouths shut.
I thought of the inevitable backlash from men who would hear about The Rules and conclude, “I was right—women are just controlling, manipulative bitches.”
Suddenly, I realized that the book I was holding in my hand wasn’t merely amusing, silly, or just incredibly stupid—it was wrong. It went against everything I’ve taught for the past twenty years, and everything I know to be healthy in relationships.
That’s when I knew I had to write The Real Rules.…
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever had her heart broken by falling in love with a man who wasn’t good for her.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever believed she needs to become a man’s perfect-bodied, plastic fantasy in order to get his love.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been afraid to share her real feelings, desires, or concerns with a man for fear that he’ll tell her she’s too “needy and demanding.”
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been so afraid of losing a man that she sacrificed her opinions, her values, and her self-respect.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever lost herself so deeply in trying to please a man that she doesn’t know who she is anymore.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every mother who doesn’t want her daughter to make the same mistakes in love that she did, and every daughter who doesn’t want to end up like her mother.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who dreams of having a relationship with a real man based on real equality—no games, no power struggles, just a loving, intimate, mutually respectful partnership.
And I dedicate The Real Rules to every real man out there who wants a real woman—a woman you can trust and respect who has an honest mind and a loving heart.
I offer this with love, from me to you.
The Real Truth.
The Real Rules …
Barbara De Angelis
Part 1 THE REAL RULES: WHAT THEY ARE AND WHY YOU NEED THEM (#)
WHAT ARE THE REAL RULES? (#)
When I was a little girl, I believed that the happiest day of my life would be my wedding day. Even though I knew nothing about relationships, I already understood that the day I married the man of my dreams would signify a great accomplishment in my life, as it did in the life of all women—the day I officially captured a man. No one ever actually used the word “capture” in referring to my search for a mate. Yet the message from my family and from society was clear: I was supposed to “find” myself a husband, “get” a man,” “catch” a guy.
It was also clear that in the grown-up world, women who hadn’t “gotten” a man, and, even worse, had never “gotten” married, were to be pitied, like the weak animals in a herd who just couldn’t catch any prey. I’d hear my relatives whisper, “So and so’s daughter is thirty-two, and she’s not married. Poor thing. I wonder what’s wrong with her …”
And so like millions of women throughout history, I got the message: my value as a woman lay in my ability to “get” a man. Somehow, if I didn’t get a man, I would be less of a woman. And if I was lucky enough to get a man with a prestigious job or money or both, then I would be a real winner.
It should come as no surprise, then, that by the time I was seventeen years old, my main goal in life was to be in a relationship with a guy. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t actually matter who he was, as long as I was going steady. Did I ever ask myself if I was really happy? Did I ask myself if he respected me and supported my goals? Did I ask myself if he was everything I was looking for in a boyfriend? Of course not. I just wanted to be part of a couple. I was less concerned with who I was with, than the fact that I was with someone.
Eventually, I went off to college, and this pattern continued. Someone would indicate that he liked me, would chase after me a bit, and I’d get into a relationship with him. (When I recall some of the guys I was involved with, I shudder … you know the feeling, right!!?) Naturally, these relationships never worked. How could they? My goal was the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a really good relationship. I was so busy trying to GET the guy that I never asked myself if I really wanted to be with who I ended up with.
Finally, when I was twenty-one, the big moment arrived. A young man asked me to marry him. Never mind that I wasn’t really in love with him; never mind that I hardly knew anything about him; never mind that we were totally incompatible. This was what I’d been waiting for—a proposal, and so of course, I said “yes.” At last—I’d be Mrs. Barbara Somebody! I’d done it … I’d gotten a man!!
You can imagine, then, my heartbreak when, after five brief but nightmarish months, I found myself getting the marriage annulled. “How could this have happened?” I asked myself in disbelief. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be married.”
It took me many years and several other painful relationships to figure out the answer:
My heart was broken because I’d been following
THE OLD RULE.
What was THE OLD RULE that had broken my heart? It was the unspoken but powerful message behind everything my family had taught me, behind everything I’d observed about society’s treatment of women.
THE OLD RULE WAS:
THE GOAL OF A WOMAN’S LIFE IS TO FIND A MAN AND GET MARRIED.
I’d followed THE OLD RULE, and I’d gotten a man. The problem was, I had wanted to be married, more than I wanted to be married to the right person. As I said earlier: the goal of a woman who follows THE OLD RULE is the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a healthy loving relationship.
This is what happens when you follow THE OLD RULE to get a man. You focus your energy and your awareness on the getting part of the process as opposed to focusing it on whom you’re getting. And one day, you wake up and realize you’re in a relationship that’s not at all what you want with someone who’s not at all whom you want.
Like millions of women before me and millions of women after me who followed THE OLD RULE and ended up in the wrong relationship, I’d been so concerned about getting someone to love me that I’d never taken the time to really ask myself if I loved him. I’d been so concerned about getting a commitment from him that I’d never asked myself if he was the kind of man I wanted to commit to. I’d been so concerned about getting him to think that I was everything he wanted that I’d never asked myself if he was everything I wanted.
It took me until my mid-thirties to realize that I had been unconsciously sabotaging my love life by following THE OLD RULE. And it was only when I stopped practicing this old rule, and applied THE REAL RULES that are in this book, that I finally found the right man, created the healthy relationship I’d always wanted, and got married—this time, for the right reasons …
Where did THE OLD RULE that has dominated so many women’s lives come from? It developed based on thousands of years of history during which women had no equal rights or opportunities, no jobs or ability to earn our own income, and truly needed a man, any man, for our physical survival. We didn’t have a choice—we either got married to whomever would have us, or entered a convent. (Having our own apartment with a friend was not an option …)
Lots of things made sense centuries ago that don’t make sense now—using a horse for transportation; cooking your meals over a fire; abstaining from sex because you didn’t want to have any more children. Now you have other choices that make life a lot easier, and much more enjoyable. That’s called progress. The OLD RULE and all the “sub-rules” that stem from it, made sense thousands of years ago, maybe even a hundred years ago. But they don’t make sense now.
Whether you recently read about this outdated thinking in a book, heard or still hear it from family members or girlfriends, or just realize, like I did, that it’s been unconsciously running and ruining your love life, one thing is true: As a woman on the threshold of the twenty-first century, you have other choices. And that’s what THE REAL RULES are about.
THE REAL RULES are positive principles about love and relationships that will take you into a more powerful, more fulfilled future, rather than trapping you in a limited past.
THE REAL RULES aren’t about trying to be what a man wants so he’ll marry you. Instead, THE REAL RULES are about becoming who you really are as a woman, and finding a man who loves you because of it.
THE REAL RULES won’t just teach you how to get a man—they’ll teach you how to get the right man.
Most importantly, THE REAL RULES are NOT based on the negative principle of FEAR—fear of being alone, fear of being unattractive, fear of a man becoming bored with you if you’re not “mysterious,” fear of making one wrong move or saying one wrong thing and “blowing” a whole relationship. When your behavior or choices are motivated by fear, you’re never acting from your most powerful self.
Instead THE REAL RULES are based on the positive principle of LOVE—loving and honoring your own thoughts, needs, and feelings as a woman, loving and honoring your partner’s own thoughts, needs, and feelings as a man, and expressing that love for yourself and for him by practicing honesty, kindness, and respect in all of your behaviors and communications.
There are 25 REAL RULES I’ll be sharing with you in the following chapters. All of THE REAL RULES are based on these basic principles that I call
THE FOUR LAWS OF LOVE
#1. The purpose of your life isn’t to get married. The purpose of your life is to grow into the most loving, fulfilled, real woman you can be.
#2. Your love life shouldn’t focus on getting a man, but rather on finding the right man for the real you.
#3. Once you have found the right man, the goal shouldn’t be getting him to make the ultimate commitment, but rather, creating a healthy, loving, mutually respectful real relationship.
#4. When you create a healthy, mutually respectful, real relationship with the right man, a loving commitment between you will naturally occur.
Soon I’ll be presenting the specific REAL RULES, but you can start replacing OLD RULES THINKING with REAL RULES THINKING even after reading just these few pages. Here’s a chart to help you:
I’m so excited to share this information with you. I know it’s going to make an enormous difference in your life, just as it did in mine. You deserve to know about THE REAL RULES!!!
HOW TO STOP SABOTAGING YOUR LOVE LIFE WITH THE OLD RULES (#)
Have you been tempted to try out some so-called “techniques” you recently read in a book or magazine about THE OLD RULES in hope of getting a man to fall in love with you, or getting your boyfriend to propose?
Does the advice you heard from your mother or from friends about how to “play hard to get with men” ever run through your mind, and do you find yourself wondering if it might work for you?
Are you embarrassed to admit that, even though you disagree with them, you’ve secretly considered using some of THE OLD RULES because you’re so tired of being single?
If you answered “yes,” “maybe,” or even “I’m not sure”: STOP EVERYTHING AND READ THIS CHAPTER NOW!! Before you go out on your next date, before you talk to a man on the phone, or before you even leave the house, think about this:
• Practicing THE OLD RULES can sabotage your self-esteem and take away your real power in relationships.
• Practicing THE REAL RULES, you’ll not only find the right man for you, but you’ll also feel more self-confident than ever before in all areas of your life.
Most women I know don’t just want a great relationship—whether they’re seventeen or seventy, they also want to feel fulfilled and powerful in their life. All of us would like to make our dreams come true, whether those dreams are to create a happy marriage and loving family, or to have our own, successful business. The dictionary defines the word “powerful” as meaning strong, capable, confident, effective, and impressive, versus feeling powerless—helpless, weak, ineffective, and dependent. Along with feeling powerful, most of us want to feel good about ourselves—we want a strong sense of confidence and self-esteem. And naturally, the more self-esteem you possess, the more capable and powerful you feel, and the more you attract the right people in life.
Well, guess what: every time you put one of the OLD RULES into practice, you are sabotaging your self-esteem and power. THE OLD RULES may seem like a silly, harmless method for getting a husband, but they’re actually much more dangerous than that, because each time you act on an OLD RULE, you’re reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself.
Is This the Kind of Woman You Want to Become?
The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you. You are the hunter, and he is the prey. Your goal is to catch him. But THE OLD RULES say that a man won’t naturally want to make a commitment to you—he doesn’t want to be caught—so somehow, you have to trick him into it:
• You can’t reveal too much about who you are, or he’ll get turned off.
• You can’t show your true feelings, or he’ll lose interest.
• You can’t be too honest, or he’ll become bored with you.
• You have to look unattainable. Then, because he thinks he can’t have you, he’ll want you, and you’ve got him!!!!
This is what THE OLD RULES are all about—methods for getting what you want from a man by being covert, dishonest, and withholding love. There’s a word for this kind of behavior:
Manipulation
Manipulation is the opposite of true power. When you are a powerful woman, you don’t have to manipulate someone in order to get what you want. You don’t have to pretend, play games, hide the truth, or put on an act.
This brings us to the second premise of THE OLD RULES—that you need to figure out what a particular man wants in a woman and become that so you are “easy to be with.” Your goal is to fit into his picture of his ideal woman. You don’t want him to have an excuse to reject you, so you act the way you think he wants you to act: Another word for this demeaning behavior is:
Masquerade
Masquerade is the opposite of true self-esteem and self-confidence. When you truly love and respect yourself, you don’t have to hide parts of your personality from a man so he won’t be “scared off.” You don’t have to lie about your feelings by acting mysterious, or bury your beliefs and opinions beneath a demure smile as you sweetly say, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
So each time you choose to follow an OLD RULE, you are reinforcing feelings of powerlessness, of low self-esteem: It’s as if you are saying:
“I’m not smart enough, wonderful enough, or interesting enough to get a man to want to spend his life with me just by being me, so I am going to have to manipulate him into wanting me, and masquerade as someone I’m not.”
How the Old Rules Are the Enemy of Your Self-Esteem
Here’s why the Two “M’s,” Manipulation and Masquerade, are the enemies of true power and self-esteem and why THE OLD RULES don’t work:
1. You never develop true confidence when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you got the guy’s interest or love based on NOT behaving naturally, and NOT being yourself, you’ll never feel relaxed, or trust his love for you.
2. You never develop true power when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you used artificial techniques to get a man interested in you, you are DEPENDENT on those techniques to keep him. You can never feel truly powerful when you’re DEPENDENT on something outside yourself.
3. There is a secret formula all men recognize hidden in THE OLD RULES:
M + M = B
This stands for:
Manipulation + Masquerade = BITCH
That’s right, the B word. There’s no other way to say it. It’s a slang term, but we all know what it means.
Try this experiment: Ask any man to read the following description of a woman, and summarize her in one word:
A woman who plays games, acts hard to get, pretends she’s not interested, wants you to be vulnerable and open, but won’t be vulnerable and open with you, acts like she doesn’t need you, judges you by the gifts you give her, makes you pay for everything, and is inconsiderate of your schedule.
I’ll bet you that nine out of ten men say: “That’s easy—she’s a bitch!”
It’s that simple. We can make it sound nicer with more intellectual words, but the bottom line is still the same—following THE OLD RULES, no matter how good your intentions might be, will most likely make you appear to be a bitch to men. The only men who would find that kind of woman appealing are men you definitely don’t want in your life.
What’s the alternative?
THE REAL RULES!!
Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (#)
REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You (#)
REAL RULE #1 is the heart of all THE REAL RULES. It’s not just about love, but about life. Does it sound familiar? It should. Maybe you learned a version of it in Bible class when you were little, or heard it preached at your church or synagogue. Traditionally it’s called The Golden Rule: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In India, it’s called the law of karma: Your good actions toward others will eventually and inevitably produce good effects in your own life; your bad actions toward others will produce undesirable effects in your own life. Or, as we say in America:
“What goes around comes around.”
However you word it, REAL RULE #1 means the same thing: Treat people (in this case men) the way you would like them to treat you.
• If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him.
• If you want a man to be honest with you, be honest with him.
• If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him.
• If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.
Of course, the flip side of REAL RULE #1 is: DON’T TREAT A MAN THE WAY YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU.
• If you don’t want a man to play games with you, don’t play games with him.
• If you don’t want a man to manipulate you, don’t manipulate him.
• If you don’t want a man to be cold to you, don’t be cold to him.
• If you don’t want a man to share who he really is with you, don’t share who you really are with him … Get the point … ?
REAL RULE #1 is based on the belief that, from a cosmic or spiritual point of view, all beings are created equal and have equal value—men aren’t more valuable or superior to women, and women aren’t more valuable or superior to men. Therefore, men should be treated with the same courtesy and respect you’d like them to show you. It’s common sense.
If you’re a woman who wants equal pay for your work, equal rights in society, and equal opportunities in your life, how can you offer men anything less than equality in a relationship? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think my boyfriend and I are equal, but I think he should bear the burden of making all the moves in the relationship and be the only one who faces rejection.” That’s just plain selfish, and it’s not playing by THE REAL RULES.
Even if you forget all of the other REAL RULES, when in doubt, go back to REAL RULE #1, and you’ll probably make the right decision about how to act or what to say in a relationship. That’s because your decision will be based on respect and fairness.
What about the OLD RULES idea that the natural order of life is for men to pursue women, that men are like animals that love the chase, and that we have to treat them as such, making ourselves unavailable, making it impossible for them to know how we are feeling? This is disrespectful, demeaning garbage. Saying men love to fight and go to war because they love a challenge, and therefore, you should make his conquest of you as difficult as possible is just as stupid as saying that women love to clean toilets and scrub floors, and that it’s the natural order of things for us to be second-class citizens. Yes, it is true that men have been conditioned throughout history to play the role of the hunter, but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge them in it now by acting like fleeing prey! Why bring out the worst in a man on purpose?
How would you like it if your boss told you he was never going to promote you because you were a woman, and just weren’t as capable as men? How would you like it if you were trying to get a scholarship to attend graduate school and your advisor gave the scholarship to a guy, claiming that women weren’t as smart as men? You’d be outraged, wouldn’t you? Is that attitude any worse than thinking men should be treated with different rules in relationships than apply to you?
REAL RULE #1 says that the simple test for any rule you’re thinking of using as a guideline in a relationship is this: REVERSE IT, making it the man’s rule about his treatment of you, and see if it still seems fair.
For instance, an OLD RULE is: “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Now, reverse it, and imagine it’s his rule: “Don’t Call Her and Rarely Return Her Calls.” Does this sound like the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with? I don’t think so …
Let’s try another one: “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Okay, switch it: “Don’t Talk to a Woman First.” Imagine how thrilling your love life would be if you walked into a party, and knew that all the men were following this rule, and you were going to have to make every move if you even wanted to have a conversation.
I think you get my point. REAL RULE #1 reminds you that for a rule to be valid, it has to be fair. If, on the other hand, you, like many OLD RULES women, have one set of rules for how you get to treat a man, but another set of rules for how he has to treat you, you’re cheating.
So when in doubt, refer to REAL RULE #1. For example, a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite a guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you have liked it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it. Or let’s say you’re on a date with a man you really like, and you’re having a great time. Should you say anything? Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he told you he was having a good time? Yes? So go ahead.
What’s the worst thing that can happen in these situations? You exhibit some kindness, some caring, some enthusiasm, and it isn’t returned … SO WHAT!!!! Even if the relationship goes nowhere, you didn’t lose anything. Whenever you share your goodness, your passion for life, and your heart, you always end up winning, because what you put out into the Universe will come back to you.
REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do (#)
Before we start getting into the more specific REAL RULES, you need to understand REAL RULE #2. This REAL RULE is not so much a behavior as an attitude you have about men when you follow THE REAL RULES. Most important, it’s an attitude that you should carry with you into all of your interactions with men. Men will pick up on this attitude, conclude that you understand them, and be much more apt to open their hearts to you.
I’ve spent over twenty years of my life studying men, giving seminars to men, answering thousands of letters from men, talking to women about men and to men about themselves. I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, men are just as sensitive as women, and need just as much love and reassurance as we do. This is REAL RULE #2. Every man you’ll ever meet will fall into one of three categories:
Category One—Men you don’t want. There are men who have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and integrity. They’re just not ready for a relationship with anyone. These poor guys need a lot of work, though they would probably disagree with that assessment! By the way, these are usually the very men who respond to OLD RULES chase games. (See REAL RULE #3)
Category Two—Perfect, enlightened men with no emotional baggage, no insecurities, and fully developed psychic abilities which allow them to know and fulfill your needs at all times. Needless to say, there is no one in this category, except for a handful of swamis, priests, and monks, and they aren’t available.
Category Three—Men who want a loving,.committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, need love and encouragement.
It should be obvious that Category One Men are to be avoided like the plague (See REAL RULES #8–13). Category Two men aren’t an option! That means the majority of the men you’ll meet will belong to Category Three.
Here’s the secret truth about Category Three men: they’re not that different from you or any other woman in one significant way—they feel as deeply, and again, they need as much love and reassurance as you do. They may not admit this up front; they may not even admit it after you’re married. But believe me, it’s true. In their hearts, men need to feel loved, to feel special, to feel safe, and to feel they are doing a good job in life and in relationships.
You know how your mind fills you with all kinds of fears when you’re considering letting a man know you’re interested? Men feel the same way when they’re considering approaching you. You know how nervous you feel before a date with a new guy you really like? Men feel the same way before a date with you. In fact, they feel worse, because according to the OLD RULES, it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move, request the date, make the plans, reach out for affection, all the way down the line to proposing marriage. Think about it—one situation after another where he’s setting himself up for potential rejection.
Here’s a chart to help you understand more about REAL RULE #2:
Let me ask you a question: When do you feel safe to really open up? For most women, the answer is: “When I feel really loved.” Guess what … the same REAL RULE is true for men. The more you love and appreciate a good man, the safer he’s going to feel, and the more he’ll open up to loving you.
Applying Real Rule #2 means never forgetting that inside of every incredibly desirable man you’re dying to get close to is a scared little boy who has the same fear of rejection that you have. Don’t underestimate the power you have to hurt him, whether by acting cold, poking fun at something he said, or making a sarcastic remark about something he didn’t do well. He may never talk about it, but believe me, he’ll remember it.
So instead of walking around feeling so intimidated by men, start to practice looking at them with different, more sensitive eyes, recognizing that they need your love just as much as you need theirs. You’ll feel a lot more relaxed and spontaneous around men when you remember REAL RULE #2. Believe me, the more you show a guy that you’re not stereotyping him as a “typical,” shut down, emotionally backward male, the sooner he’ll open up and reach out to make you a part of his life.
REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like THE REAL RULES (#)
What’s one of the biggest problems you have in the beginning of any relationship?—How to tell whether or not you’re with the wrong man before things get too serious. How many times have you gotten involved with a guy, maybe even slept with him, only to find out three or six or nine months later that he was not the kind of person you wanted to be with, and that in fact, you didn’t even like or respect him?!!!
Here’s one of the greatest benefits of using THE REAL RULES—when you put THE REAL RULES into practice, the wrong men will automatically eliminate themselves from your life. Why? Because THE REAL RULES will make the wrong men uncomfortable!!
THE REAL RULES are like a “healthy man detector.” Guys who are good for you will love THE REAL RULES. Guys with unhealthy love habits will hate THE REAL RULES.
Let’s face it—there are some men out there who do fit the OLD RULES stereotype. They’re the kind of guys that call women they hardly know “hon,” “babe,” and “doll.” They think women should be “protected” from having too many responsibilities in life. They believe in the “boys will be boys” mentality—in other words, they expect to do what they want to without your feedback. They may act like you’re their princess, but there’s no doubt in their minds that they’re the king.
These men will love chasing you. It makes them feel successful, potent, manly. The pursuit and capture feeds into their unfulfilled need to feel powerful. Therefore, they like women who are coy, manipulative, and withholding, because they get excited by the challenge of conquering you. When you finally submit, they’ve won, and in spite of the sparkling ring on your finger, you’ve lost. Why? OLD RULES MEN don’t want a real woman—they want a trophy, a possession, a prize.
OLD RULES MEN:
• Want to feel like they’re in control
• Think of the male sex as superior
• Believe women have a limited role in life
• Are uncomfortable with real intimacy
• Don’t like powerful women
• Think their opinion counts more
• Are addicted to the chase, and are more likely to cheat when bored
• Judge you by your looks, your weight, and your breast size
• Want to feel smarter than you
• Don’t like to be questioned or challenged
• Aren’t interested in improving themselves for you
• Don’t want the relationship to go too deep, even if you’re married
• Will be threatened if you surpass them in any area (your intellect, your income, etc.)
If you’re looking for this kind of husband, you might as well throw this book away right now, because OLD RULES men don’t like REAL RULES WOMEN since you’re not willing to play their game.
Who are these guys, and how did they get this way? They’re usually men who felt overpowered as a child by a dominating father or critical mother, and decided when they grew up, they’d be the ones in control. Maybe they saw Dad treat Mom like a doormat, and decided it was either “rule or be ruled.” Or maybe Dad was a passive wimp who let Mom treat him like dirt, and the child decided he’d never let a woman control him when he got older. The bottom line is that OLD RULES men are always motivated by an unconscious fear of women and a secret feeling of inadequacy. After all, a really empowered, confident man doesn’t have to keep proving it to himself and you every five minutes!!
You should feel sorry for these poor misguided guys, but not enough to be with one. Don’t try to rehabilitate one if you meet him, no matter how tempting it may be. Recognize him for what he is, an OLD RULES MAN, and get out of his way.
So how should you use THE REAL RULES to eliminate the wrong men and leave room for the right man? Simple—just start putting THE REAL RULES into practice, and watch guys who are bad for you flee in the opposite direction. For instance:
You’re at a party and a friend just introduced you to a guy you find attractive. The OLD RULES say don’t make eye contact, don’t say much, let him take the lead, and don’t act interested. Instead, try THE REAL RULES:
a) Express who you really are by talking about what interests you (REAL RULE #15)
b) Don’t play games (REAL RULE #4)—if he asks you to go out with him two days from then, and you’re free and want to accept, don’t pretend you’re busy and say “no”
c) If you like him, let him know (REAL RULE #6)—if he says he enjoyed talking with you, don’t pause mysteriously and tone down your response. Tell him you also really enjoyed being with him.
Now, what if he seems turned off, or suddenly walks away during the conversation, or doesn’t call you again as he said he would? Does this mean THE REAL RULES didn’t work? No—quite the opposite: THEY WORKED PERFECTLY! CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve just used THE REAL RULES to quickly and effectively eliminate a potentially hurtful relationship with the wrong man! The sooner you spot OLD RULES guys and eliminate them as possibilities, the sooner you can find an emotionally healthy REAL RULES MAN and develop the relationship of your dreams.
REAL RULE #4: Don’t Play Games (#)
THE REAL RULES are all about being smart. Smart women don’t play games. The dictionary defines the word game as a form of play or sport, a scheme, plan, or trick. THE OLD RULES are all about playing games. Why shouldn’t you play games in relationships?
• Playing games is for women who’ve been convinced that they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead, must memorize absurd lists of do’s and don’ts.
• Playing games is for women who’ve been warned against using their own natural instincts, and talked into being too mentally frightened to think through situations moment by moment.
• Playing games is for women who’ve been conditioned to believe the purpose of a relationship is to get the prize—an engagement ring—and that then they’ll be the winner.
• Playing games is stupid, and you’re not stupid.
Games are for children, or people who want to act like children. Good parents teach their children not to lie, not to pretend, not to fool people. Would it be okay with you for your child to play these kinds of games with you? I don’t think so. Why, then, would it be okay for you to play these kinds of games with men? It isn’t!
Here’s what’s wrong with playing games in your relationships: The basis of most games is deception, secrecy, and competition. If I’m playing a game of cards, I don’t want the other person to know what’s in my hand—I want the advantage. If I’m playing a game of tennis, I don’t want my partner to know where in his court I plan to serve the ball. If I’m playing a game of chess, I want to get more pieces than my opponent.
Deception, secrecy, and competition may be fine for cards, tennis, and chess, but they don’t belong in your love life.
You know what men always tell me? They say that one of the reasons women have gotten the reputation of not being as smart as men is that we play stupid games. “Does a woman really think we don’t know what’s going on when she’s playing a game?” men will ask me in disbelief.
Of course a man knows what you’re doing. He may even go along with your game for a while, but in the long run, he’s not going to respect you for it. And if he really doesn’t know what’s going on, how can you respect him? IF A MAN IS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR OLD RULES GAMES, WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM?
“Wait a minute,” you might be thinking to yourself. “What about those guys who know what’s going on and like it, men who like women who play games and use the OLD RULES?” As we saw with REAL RULE #3, there are some men who psychologically respond to manipulation. You act indifferent, hard to get, and too busy for him, and suddenly he has to have you. Isn’t this the result you’re hoping for? NO!
Remember: Just because he wants you doesn’t mean he loves you.
I’ll bet you’ve had the experience of wanting something just because you thought you couldn’t get it. Example: You break up with a guy, and discover several weeks later that he’s dating one of your friends. For a moment, you wonder, “Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all … maybe I was too hasty.” If you’re smart, you’ll realize that you don’t really want him back—you just don’t like NOT being able to have him. Your desire is just a reflexive response from your ego. It’s not coming from your heart.
This is exactly what happens to men when you play games with them, games like:
“You Can’t Have Me”
“Maybe I Like You, Maybe I Don’t”
“Try to Guess What I’m Doing on the Nights I’m Not Seeing You”
“Aren’t I Mysterious.”
The men who respond to these games, men who see themselves as the hunter and you as the prey, are men you should stay far away from. Attracting them on purpose is a big mistake.
What’s the alternative to playing games and being manipulative? BEING SMART and BEING APPROPRIATE BY USING THE REAL RULES.
A Real-Life Scenario of How You Can Use the Real Rules to Check Out a Man
THE SITUATION: You’ve just started a relationship with a guy you really like, and you don’t want to be overly excited about sharing your feelings until you know more about him and how he feels. One way to approach this is to use the OLD RULES: never show your enthusiasm when he asks you out, never call him, never return his phone calls, and act nonchalant when he brings you flowers or gifts. In other words, you could play games and TEST HIM.
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Barbara De Angelis
De Angelis, America’s foremost relationships expert, offers her own 25 Rules – showing real women who are tired of playing games how to find a lasting, satisfying relationship with Mr Right.The Real Rules explains how you need to become the confident, unique women you are and finding a man who loves you because of it. It includes:The 6 most important character traits to look for in a man.What men really want in a woman (and in the bedroom).When and how to ask a man for a commitment.
The REAL RULES
HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE REAL YOU
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.
CONTENTS
Cover (#uf1a7d973-1FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Title Page (#uf1a7d973-2FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Foreword (#uf1a7d973-4FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Part 1 THE REAL RULES: WHAT THEY ARE AND WHY YOU NEED THEM (#uf1a7d973-5FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
What Are The Real Rules? (#uf1a7d973-6FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life With the Old Rules (#uf1a7d973-9FFF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (#uf1a7d973-15FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You (#uf1a7d973-16FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do (#uf1a7d973-17FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like The Real Rules (#uf1a7d973-18FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #4: Don’t Play Games (#uf1a7d973-19FF-11e9-9e03-0cc47a520474)
REAL RULE #5: Be Yourself (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #6: If You Like Someone, Let Him Know (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #7: Ask Questions Before You Get Too Involved (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #8: Don’t Date Men Who Aren’t Completely Available (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #9: Look for a Man With Good Character (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #10: Pay Attention to Warning Signs of Possible Problems (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #11: Judge a Man by the Size of His Heart, Not by the Size of His Wallet (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #12: Be Fair: Don’t Practice Double Standards (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #13: Don’t Fall in Love With a Man’s Potential (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 3 THE REAL RULES FOR COMMUNICATING WITH MEN (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #14: Be Honest About Your Feelings (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #15: Show Your Most Attractive Feature—Your Mind (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #16: Be Emotionally Generous, Not Emotionally Stingy (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 4 THE REAL RULES ABOUT SEX (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #17: Wait Until You Are Emotionally Intimate Before Becoming Sexually Intimate (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #18: Don’t Lower Yourself to Behaving Like a Sex Object (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #19: Apply The Real Rules in Bed (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 5 THE REAL RULES ABOUT GETTING A MAN TO MAKE A COMMITMENT (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #20: Make Sure Your Relationship Goes Through the Four Stages of Commitment (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #21: Emotional Commitments Are More Valuable Than an Engagement Ring (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #22: Never Pressure a Man Into Making a Commitment (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 6 HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH THE REAL RULES (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #23: Be Patient as You Switch From the Old Rules to the Real Rules (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #24: Protect Yourself With Your Head, Not Your Heart (#litres_trial_promo)
REAL RULE #25: Use The Real Rules With Everyone in Your Life (#litres_trial_promo)
THE REAL RULES FOR LIFE (#litres_trial_promo)
Conclusion (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Also by the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
FOREWORD (#)
Let me tell you the story of how I decided to write The Real Rules:
One day in the fall of 1996, I was having lunch with several female friends. As we started on our salads, one of the women asked: “So Barbara, what do you think of that book everyone’s talking about—The Rules?” Now, I’d heard about this book which supposedly tells women how to get a man to marry them, but hadn’t actually seen it, so I answered frankly, “I haven’t read it.”
“You haven’t?” She reached into her purse and handed me a small paperback. “Here—someone in my office just gave me this as a joke. You aren’t going to believe this book!”
Now I was intrigued. Naturally, over the years, as a leading authority on relationships, I’ve always been asked my opinion about other books on love, but even when I’ve disagreed with the author’s thinking, I have never publicly criticized what I’ve read—that’s just not my style. And so I was completely unprepared for what happened next.
I looked at the book: The Rules. The cover looked harmless enough. Then, I opened the book and began to read—one piece of bad, recycled, antiquated advice after another—the kind of advice my grandmother gave my mother at the same time that she informed her she could get pregnant from kissing a man. At first, I thought that I’d misunderstood, that maybe this was one of those comic takeoffs on self-help books. Then, to my horror, as each chapter got progressively worse, I realized that this wasn’t a joke—this was supposed to be serious!
I could hardly believe what I was reading:
“… the man must take the lead …”
“… be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike …”
“… don’t say much, let him do all the thinking, the talking …”
“… he runs the show …”
“… if you don’t get jewelry … you might as well call it quits …”
“… try wearing tight jeans, a miniskirt, or a deep V-necked shirt …”
“… if you have a bad nose, get a nose job.”
“… overweight is not The Rules …”
These weren’t the rules for happiness—they were the rules for messing up your love life and behaving like the worst stereotype of a superficial, submissive woman!!
What I’m talking about goes way beyond any current book—it goes back centuries. They are the very ideas that caused millions of women (including me) to get into bad relationships with men they shouldn’t have even dated in the first place; the very ideas that had trapped so many women into love-starved, meaningless marriages they were afraid to leave; the very ideas that had created whole generations of women with low self-esteem; the very ideas from which I and so many other successful and happy women had spent our whole lives working hard to break free.
I thought about all the unsuspecting women who were desperately putting The Rules into practice, not realizing the price they were eventually going to pay for compromising their honesty, integrity, and self-respect in order to trap a man.
I thought about all the teenage girls reading this junk, believing it was the truth, and getting their first boyfriend by playing games, showing their cleavage, and keeping their mouths shut.
I thought of the inevitable backlash from men who would hear about The Rules and conclude, “I was right—women are just controlling, manipulative bitches.”
Suddenly, I realized that the book I was holding in my hand wasn’t merely amusing, silly, or just incredibly stupid—it was wrong. It went against everything I’ve taught for the past twenty years, and everything I know to be healthy in relationships.
That’s when I knew I had to write The Real Rules.…
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever had her heart broken by falling in love with a man who wasn’t good for her.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever believed she needs to become a man’s perfect-bodied, plastic fantasy in order to get his love.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been afraid to share her real feelings, desires, or concerns with a man for fear that he’ll tell her she’s too “needy and demanding.”
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been so afraid of losing a man that she sacrificed her opinions, her values, and her self-respect.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever lost herself so deeply in trying to please a man that she doesn’t know who she is anymore.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every mother who doesn’t want her daughter to make the same mistakes in love that she did, and every daughter who doesn’t want to end up like her mother.
I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who dreams of having a relationship with a real man based on real equality—no games, no power struggles, just a loving, intimate, mutually respectful partnership.
And I dedicate The Real Rules to every real man out there who wants a real woman—a woman you can trust and respect who has an honest mind and a loving heart.
I offer this with love, from me to you.
The Real Truth.
The Real Rules …
Barbara De Angelis
Part 1 THE REAL RULES: WHAT THEY ARE AND WHY YOU NEED THEM (#)
WHAT ARE THE REAL RULES? (#)
When I was a little girl, I believed that the happiest day of my life would be my wedding day. Even though I knew nothing about relationships, I already understood that the day I married the man of my dreams would signify a great accomplishment in my life, as it did in the life of all women—the day I officially captured a man. No one ever actually used the word “capture” in referring to my search for a mate. Yet the message from my family and from society was clear: I was supposed to “find” myself a husband, “get” a man,” “catch” a guy.
It was also clear that in the grown-up world, women who hadn’t “gotten” a man, and, even worse, had never “gotten” married, were to be pitied, like the weak animals in a herd who just couldn’t catch any prey. I’d hear my relatives whisper, “So and so’s daughter is thirty-two, and she’s not married. Poor thing. I wonder what’s wrong with her …”
And so like millions of women throughout history, I got the message: my value as a woman lay in my ability to “get” a man. Somehow, if I didn’t get a man, I would be less of a woman. And if I was lucky enough to get a man with a prestigious job or money or both, then I would be a real winner.
It should come as no surprise, then, that by the time I was seventeen years old, my main goal in life was to be in a relationship with a guy. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t actually matter who he was, as long as I was going steady. Did I ever ask myself if I was really happy? Did I ask myself if he respected me and supported my goals? Did I ask myself if he was everything I was looking for in a boyfriend? Of course not. I just wanted to be part of a couple. I was less concerned with who I was with, than the fact that I was with someone.
Eventually, I went off to college, and this pattern continued. Someone would indicate that he liked me, would chase after me a bit, and I’d get into a relationship with him. (When I recall some of the guys I was involved with, I shudder … you know the feeling, right!!?) Naturally, these relationships never worked. How could they? My goal was the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a really good relationship. I was so busy trying to GET the guy that I never asked myself if I really wanted to be with who I ended up with.
Finally, when I was twenty-one, the big moment arrived. A young man asked me to marry him. Never mind that I wasn’t really in love with him; never mind that I hardly knew anything about him; never mind that we were totally incompatible. This was what I’d been waiting for—a proposal, and so of course, I said “yes.” At last—I’d be Mrs. Barbara Somebody! I’d done it … I’d gotten a man!!
You can imagine, then, my heartbreak when, after five brief but nightmarish months, I found myself getting the marriage annulled. “How could this have happened?” I asked myself in disbelief. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be married.”
It took me many years and several other painful relationships to figure out the answer:
My heart was broken because I’d been following
THE OLD RULE.
What was THE OLD RULE that had broken my heart? It was the unspoken but powerful message behind everything my family had taught me, behind everything I’d observed about society’s treatment of women.
THE OLD RULE WAS:
THE GOAL OF A WOMAN’S LIFE IS TO FIND A MAN AND GET MARRIED.
I’d followed THE OLD RULE, and I’d gotten a man. The problem was, I had wanted to be married, more than I wanted to be married to the right person. As I said earlier: the goal of a woman who follows THE OLD RULE is the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a healthy loving relationship.
This is what happens when you follow THE OLD RULE to get a man. You focus your energy and your awareness on the getting part of the process as opposed to focusing it on whom you’re getting. And one day, you wake up and realize you’re in a relationship that’s not at all what you want with someone who’s not at all whom you want.
Like millions of women before me and millions of women after me who followed THE OLD RULE and ended up in the wrong relationship, I’d been so concerned about getting someone to love me that I’d never taken the time to really ask myself if I loved him. I’d been so concerned about getting a commitment from him that I’d never asked myself if he was the kind of man I wanted to commit to. I’d been so concerned about getting him to think that I was everything he wanted that I’d never asked myself if he was everything I wanted.
It took me until my mid-thirties to realize that I had been unconsciously sabotaging my love life by following THE OLD RULE. And it was only when I stopped practicing this old rule, and applied THE REAL RULES that are in this book, that I finally found the right man, created the healthy relationship I’d always wanted, and got married—this time, for the right reasons …
Where did THE OLD RULE that has dominated so many women’s lives come from? It developed based on thousands of years of history during which women had no equal rights or opportunities, no jobs or ability to earn our own income, and truly needed a man, any man, for our physical survival. We didn’t have a choice—we either got married to whomever would have us, or entered a convent. (Having our own apartment with a friend was not an option …)
Lots of things made sense centuries ago that don’t make sense now—using a horse for transportation; cooking your meals over a fire; abstaining from sex because you didn’t want to have any more children. Now you have other choices that make life a lot easier, and much more enjoyable. That’s called progress. The OLD RULE and all the “sub-rules” that stem from it, made sense thousands of years ago, maybe even a hundred years ago. But they don’t make sense now.
Whether you recently read about this outdated thinking in a book, heard or still hear it from family members or girlfriends, or just realize, like I did, that it’s been unconsciously running and ruining your love life, one thing is true: As a woman on the threshold of the twenty-first century, you have other choices. And that’s what THE REAL RULES are about.
THE REAL RULES are positive principles about love and relationships that will take you into a more powerful, more fulfilled future, rather than trapping you in a limited past.
THE REAL RULES aren’t about trying to be what a man wants so he’ll marry you. Instead, THE REAL RULES are about becoming who you really are as a woman, and finding a man who loves you because of it.
THE REAL RULES won’t just teach you how to get a man—they’ll teach you how to get the right man.
Most importantly, THE REAL RULES are NOT based on the negative principle of FEAR—fear of being alone, fear of being unattractive, fear of a man becoming bored with you if you’re not “mysterious,” fear of making one wrong move or saying one wrong thing and “blowing” a whole relationship. When your behavior or choices are motivated by fear, you’re never acting from your most powerful self.
Instead THE REAL RULES are based on the positive principle of LOVE—loving and honoring your own thoughts, needs, and feelings as a woman, loving and honoring your partner’s own thoughts, needs, and feelings as a man, and expressing that love for yourself and for him by practicing honesty, kindness, and respect in all of your behaviors and communications.
There are 25 REAL RULES I’ll be sharing with you in the following chapters. All of THE REAL RULES are based on these basic principles that I call
THE FOUR LAWS OF LOVE
#1. The purpose of your life isn’t to get married. The purpose of your life is to grow into the most loving, fulfilled, real woman you can be.
#2. Your love life shouldn’t focus on getting a man, but rather on finding the right man for the real you.
#3. Once you have found the right man, the goal shouldn’t be getting him to make the ultimate commitment, but rather, creating a healthy, loving, mutually respectful real relationship.
#4. When you create a healthy, mutually respectful, real relationship with the right man, a loving commitment between you will naturally occur.
Soon I’ll be presenting the specific REAL RULES, but you can start replacing OLD RULES THINKING with REAL RULES THINKING even after reading just these few pages. Here’s a chart to help you:
I’m so excited to share this information with you. I know it’s going to make an enormous difference in your life, just as it did in mine. You deserve to know about THE REAL RULES!!!
HOW TO STOP SABOTAGING YOUR LOVE LIFE WITH THE OLD RULES (#)
Have you been tempted to try out some so-called “techniques” you recently read in a book or magazine about THE OLD RULES in hope of getting a man to fall in love with you, or getting your boyfriend to propose?
Does the advice you heard from your mother or from friends about how to “play hard to get with men” ever run through your mind, and do you find yourself wondering if it might work for you?
Are you embarrassed to admit that, even though you disagree with them, you’ve secretly considered using some of THE OLD RULES because you’re so tired of being single?
If you answered “yes,” “maybe,” or even “I’m not sure”: STOP EVERYTHING AND READ THIS CHAPTER NOW!! Before you go out on your next date, before you talk to a man on the phone, or before you even leave the house, think about this:
• Practicing THE OLD RULES can sabotage your self-esteem and take away your real power in relationships.
• Practicing THE REAL RULES, you’ll not only find the right man for you, but you’ll also feel more self-confident than ever before in all areas of your life.
Most women I know don’t just want a great relationship—whether they’re seventeen or seventy, they also want to feel fulfilled and powerful in their life. All of us would like to make our dreams come true, whether those dreams are to create a happy marriage and loving family, or to have our own, successful business. The dictionary defines the word “powerful” as meaning strong, capable, confident, effective, and impressive, versus feeling powerless—helpless, weak, ineffective, and dependent. Along with feeling powerful, most of us want to feel good about ourselves—we want a strong sense of confidence and self-esteem. And naturally, the more self-esteem you possess, the more capable and powerful you feel, and the more you attract the right people in life.
Well, guess what: every time you put one of the OLD RULES into practice, you are sabotaging your self-esteem and power. THE OLD RULES may seem like a silly, harmless method for getting a husband, but they’re actually much more dangerous than that, because each time you act on an OLD RULE, you’re reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself.
Is This the Kind of Woman You Want to Become?
The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you. You are the hunter, and he is the prey. Your goal is to catch him. But THE OLD RULES say that a man won’t naturally want to make a commitment to you—he doesn’t want to be caught—so somehow, you have to trick him into it:
• You can’t reveal too much about who you are, or he’ll get turned off.
• You can’t show your true feelings, or he’ll lose interest.
• You can’t be too honest, or he’ll become bored with you.
• You have to look unattainable. Then, because he thinks he can’t have you, he’ll want you, and you’ve got him!!!!
This is what THE OLD RULES are all about—methods for getting what you want from a man by being covert, dishonest, and withholding love. There’s a word for this kind of behavior:
Manipulation
Manipulation is the opposite of true power. When you are a powerful woman, you don’t have to manipulate someone in order to get what you want. You don’t have to pretend, play games, hide the truth, or put on an act.
This brings us to the second premise of THE OLD RULES—that you need to figure out what a particular man wants in a woman and become that so you are “easy to be with.” Your goal is to fit into his picture of his ideal woman. You don’t want him to have an excuse to reject you, so you act the way you think he wants you to act: Another word for this demeaning behavior is:
Masquerade
Masquerade is the opposite of true self-esteem and self-confidence. When you truly love and respect yourself, you don’t have to hide parts of your personality from a man so he won’t be “scared off.” You don’t have to lie about your feelings by acting mysterious, or bury your beliefs and opinions beneath a demure smile as you sweetly say, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
So each time you choose to follow an OLD RULE, you are reinforcing feelings of powerlessness, of low self-esteem: It’s as if you are saying:
“I’m not smart enough, wonderful enough, or interesting enough to get a man to want to spend his life with me just by being me, so I am going to have to manipulate him into wanting me, and masquerade as someone I’m not.”
How the Old Rules Are the Enemy of Your Self-Esteem
Here’s why the Two “M’s,” Manipulation and Masquerade, are the enemies of true power and self-esteem and why THE OLD RULES don’t work:
1. You never develop true confidence when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you got the guy’s interest or love based on NOT behaving naturally, and NOT being yourself, you’ll never feel relaxed, or trust his love for you.
2. You never develop true power when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you used artificial techniques to get a man interested in you, you are DEPENDENT on those techniques to keep him. You can never feel truly powerful when you’re DEPENDENT on something outside yourself.
3. There is a secret formula all men recognize hidden in THE OLD RULES:
M + M = B
This stands for:
Manipulation + Masquerade = BITCH
That’s right, the B word. There’s no other way to say it. It’s a slang term, but we all know what it means.
Try this experiment: Ask any man to read the following description of a woman, and summarize her in one word:
A woman who plays games, acts hard to get, pretends she’s not interested, wants you to be vulnerable and open, but won’t be vulnerable and open with you, acts like she doesn’t need you, judges you by the gifts you give her, makes you pay for everything, and is inconsiderate of your schedule.
I’ll bet you that nine out of ten men say: “That’s easy—she’s a bitch!”
It’s that simple. We can make it sound nicer with more intellectual words, but the bottom line is still the same—following THE OLD RULES, no matter how good your intentions might be, will most likely make you appear to be a bitch to men. The only men who would find that kind of woman appealing are men you definitely don’t want in your life.
What’s the alternative?
THE REAL RULES!!
Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (#)
REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You (#)
REAL RULE #1 is the heart of all THE REAL RULES. It’s not just about love, but about life. Does it sound familiar? It should. Maybe you learned a version of it in Bible class when you were little, or heard it preached at your church or synagogue. Traditionally it’s called The Golden Rule: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In India, it’s called the law of karma: Your good actions toward others will eventually and inevitably produce good effects in your own life; your bad actions toward others will produce undesirable effects in your own life. Or, as we say in America:
“What goes around comes around.”
However you word it, REAL RULE #1 means the same thing: Treat people (in this case men) the way you would like them to treat you.
• If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him.
• If you want a man to be honest with you, be honest with him.
• If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him.
• If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.
Of course, the flip side of REAL RULE #1 is: DON’T TREAT A MAN THE WAY YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU.
• If you don’t want a man to play games with you, don’t play games with him.
• If you don’t want a man to manipulate you, don’t manipulate him.
• If you don’t want a man to be cold to you, don’t be cold to him.
• If you don’t want a man to share who he really is with you, don’t share who you really are with him … Get the point … ?
REAL RULE #1 is based on the belief that, from a cosmic or spiritual point of view, all beings are created equal and have equal value—men aren’t more valuable or superior to women, and women aren’t more valuable or superior to men. Therefore, men should be treated with the same courtesy and respect you’d like them to show you. It’s common sense.
If you’re a woman who wants equal pay for your work, equal rights in society, and equal opportunities in your life, how can you offer men anything less than equality in a relationship? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think my boyfriend and I are equal, but I think he should bear the burden of making all the moves in the relationship and be the only one who faces rejection.” That’s just plain selfish, and it’s not playing by THE REAL RULES.
Even if you forget all of the other REAL RULES, when in doubt, go back to REAL RULE #1, and you’ll probably make the right decision about how to act or what to say in a relationship. That’s because your decision will be based on respect and fairness.
What about the OLD RULES idea that the natural order of life is for men to pursue women, that men are like animals that love the chase, and that we have to treat them as such, making ourselves unavailable, making it impossible for them to know how we are feeling? This is disrespectful, demeaning garbage. Saying men love to fight and go to war because they love a challenge, and therefore, you should make his conquest of you as difficult as possible is just as stupid as saying that women love to clean toilets and scrub floors, and that it’s the natural order of things for us to be second-class citizens. Yes, it is true that men have been conditioned throughout history to play the role of the hunter, but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge them in it now by acting like fleeing prey! Why bring out the worst in a man on purpose?
How would you like it if your boss told you he was never going to promote you because you were a woman, and just weren’t as capable as men? How would you like it if you were trying to get a scholarship to attend graduate school and your advisor gave the scholarship to a guy, claiming that women weren’t as smart as men? You’d be outraged, wouldn’t you? Is that attitude any worse than thinking men should be treated with different rules in relationships than apply to you?
REAL RULE #1 says that the simple test for any rule you’re thinking of using as a guideline in a relationship is this: REVERSE IT, making it the man’s rule about his treatment of you, and see if it still seems fair.
For instance, an OLD RULE is: “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Now, reverse it, and imagine it’s his rule: “Don’t Call Her and Rarely Return Her Calls.” Does this sound like the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with? I don’t think so …
Let’s try another one: “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Okay, switch it: “Don’t Talk to a Woman First.” Imagine how thrilling your love life would be if you walked into a party, and knew that all the men were following this rule, and you were going to have to make every move if you even wanted to have a conversation.
I think you get my point. REAL RULE #1 reminds you that for a rule to be valid, it has to be fair. If, on the other hand, you, like many OLD RULES women, have one set of rules for how you get to treat a man, but another set of rules for how he has to treat you, you’re cheating.
So when in doubt, refer to REAL RULE #1. For example, a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite a guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you have liked it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it. Or let’s say you’re on a date with a man you really like, and you’re having a great time. Should you say anything? Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he told you he was having a good time? Yes? So go ahead.
What’s the worst thing that can happen in these situations? You exhibit some kindness, some caring, some enthusiasm, and it isn’t returned … SO WHAT!!!! Even if the relationship goes nowhere, you didn’t lose anything. Whenever you share your goodness, your passion for life, and your heart, you always end up winning, because what you put out into the Universe will come back to you.
REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do (#)
Before we start getting into the more specific REAL RULES, you need to understand REAL RULE #2. This REAL RULE is not so much a behavior as an attitude you have about men when you follow THE REAL RULES. Most important, it’s an attitude that you should carry with you into all of your interactions with men. Men will pick up on this attitude, conclude that you understand them, and be much more apt to open their hearts to you.
I’ve spent over twenty years of my life studying men, giving seminars to men, answering thousands of letters from men, talking to women about men and to men about themselves. I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, men are just as sensitive as women, and need just as much love and reassurance as we do. This is REAL RULE #2. Every man you’ll ever meet will fall into one of three categories:
Category One—Men you don’t want. There are men who have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and integrity. They’re just not ready for a relationship with anyone. These poor guys need a lot of work, though they would probably disagree with that assessment! By the way, these are usually the very men who respond to OLD RULES chase games. (See REAL RULE #3)
Category Two—Perfect, enlightened men with no emotional baggage, no insecurities, and fully developed psychic abilities which allow them to know and fulfill your needs at all times. Needless to say, there is no one in this category, except for a handful of swamis, priests, and monks, and they aren’t available.
Category Three—Men who want a loving,.committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, need love and encouragement.
It should be obvious that Category One Men are to be avoided like the plague (See REAL RULES #8–13). Category Two men aren’t an option! That means the majority of the men you’ll meet will belong to Category Three.
Here’s the secret truth about Category Three men: they’re not that different from you or any other woman in one significant way—they feel as deeply, and again, they need as much love and reassurance as you do. They may not admit this up front; they may not even admit it after you’re married. But believe me, it’s true. In their hearts, men need to feel loved, to feel special, to feel safe, and to feel they are doing a good job in life and in relationships.
You know how your mind fills you with all kinds of fears when you’re considering letting a man know you’re interested? Men feel the same way when they’re considering approaching you. You know how nervous you feel before a date with a new guy you really like? Men feel the same way before a date with you. In fact, they feel worse, because according to the OLD RULES, it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move, request the date, make the plans, reach out for affection, all the way down the line to proposing marriage. Think about it—one situation after another where he’s setting himself up for potential rejection.
Here’s a chart to help you understand more about REAL RULE #2:
Let me ask you a question: When do you feel safe to really open up? For most women, the answer is: “When I feel really loved.” Guess what … the same REAL RULE is true for men. The more you love and appreciate a good man, the safer he’s going to feel, and the more he’ll open up to loving you.
Applying Real Rule #2 means never forgetting that inside of every incredibly desirable man you’re dying to get close to is a scared little boy who has the same fear of rejection that you have. Don’t underestimate the power you have to hurt him, whether by acting cold, poking fun at something he said, or making a sarcastic remark about something he didn’t do well. He may never talk about it, but believe me, he’ll remember it.
So instead of walking around feeling so intimidated by men, start to practice looking at them with different, more sensitive eyes, recognizing that they need your love just as much as you need theirs. You’ll feel a lot more relaxed and spontaneous around men when you remember REAL RULE #2. Believe me, the more you show a guy that you’re not stereotyping him as a “typical,” shut down, emotionally backward male, the sooner he’ll open up and reach out to make you a part of his life.
REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like THE REAL RULES (#)
What’s one of the biggest problems you have in the beginning of any relationship?—How to tell whether or not you’re with the wrong man before things get too serious. How many times have you gotten involved with a guy, maybe even slept with him, only to find out three or six or nine months later that he was not the kind of person you wanted to be with, and that in fact, you didn’t even like or respect him?!!!
Here’s one of the greatest benefits of using THE REAL RULES—when you put THE REAL RULES into practice, the wrong men will automatically eliminate themselves from your life. Why? Because THE REAL RULES will make the wrong men uncomfortable!!
THE REAL RULES are like a “healthy man detector.” Guys who are good for you will love THE REAL RULES. Guys with unhealthy love habits will hate THE REAL RULES.
Let’s face it—there are some men out there who do fit the OLD RULES stereotype. They’re the kind of guys that call women they hardly know “hon,” “babe,” and “doll.” They think women should be “protected” from having too many responsibilities in life. They believe in the “boys will be boys” mentality—in other words, they expect to do what they want to without your feedback. They may act like you’re their princess, but there’s no doubt in their minds that they’re the king.
These men will love chasing you. It makes them feel successful, potent, manly. The pursuit and capture feeds into their unfulfilled need to feel powerful. Therefore, they like women who are coy, manipulative, and withholding, because they get excited by the challenge of conquering you. When you finally submit, they’ve won, and in spite of the sparkling ring on your finger, you’ve lost. Why? OLD RULES MEN don’t want a real woman—they want a trophy, a possession, a prize.
OLD RULES MEN:
• Want to feel like they’re in control
• Think of the male sex as superior
• Believe women have a limited role in life
• Are uncomfortable with real intimacy
• Don’t like powerful women
• Think their opinion counts more
• Are addicted to the chase, and are more likely to cheat when bored
• Judge you by your looks, your weight, and your breast size
• Want to feel smarter than you
• Don’t like to be questioned or challenged
• Aren’t interested in improving themselves for you
• Don’t want the relationship to go too deep, even if you’re married
• Will be threatened if you surpass them in any area (your intellect, your income, etc.)
If you’re looking for this kind of husband, you might as well throw this book away right now, because OLD RULES men don’t like REAL RULES WOMEN since you’re not willing to play their game.
Who are these guys, and how did they get this way? They’re usually men who felt overpowered as a child by a dominating father or critical mother, and decided when they grew up, they’d be the ones in control. Maybe they saw Dad treat Mom like a doormat, and decided it was either “rule or be ruled.” Or maybe Dad was a passive wimp who let Mom treat him like dirt, and the child decided he’d never let a woman control him when he got older. The bottom line is that OLD RULES men are always motivated by an unconscious fear of women and a secret feeling of inadequacy. After all, a really empowered, confident man doesn’t have to keep proving it to himself and you every five minutes!!
You should feel sorry for these poor misguided guys, but not enough to be with one. Don’t try to rehabilitate one if you meet him, no matter how tempting it may be. Recognize him for what he is, an OLD RULES MAN, and get out of his way.
So how should you use THE REAL RULES to eliminate the wrong men and leave room for the right man? Simple—just start putting THE REAL RULES into practice, and watch guys who are bad for you flee in the opposite direction. For instance:
You’re at a party and a friend just introduced you to a guy you find attractive. The OLD RULES say don’t make eye contact, don’t say much, let him take the lead, and don’t act interested. Instead, try THE REAL RULES:
a) Express who you really are by talking about what interests you (REAL RULE #15)
b) Don’t play games (REAL RULE #4)—if he asks you to go out with him two days from then, and you’re free and want to accept, don’t pretend you’re busy and say “no”
c) If you like him, let him know (REAL RULE #6)—if he says he enjoyed talking with you, don’t pause mysteriously and tone down your response. Tell him you also really enjoyed being with him.
Now, what if he seems turned off, or suddenly walks away during the conversation, or doesn’t call you again as he said he would? Does this mean THE REAL RULES didn’t work? No—quite the opposite: THEY WORKED PERFECTLY! CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve just used THE REAL RULES to quickly and effectively eliminate a potentially hurtful relationship with the wrong man! The sooner you spot OLD RULES guys and eliminate them as possibilities, the sooner you can find an emotionally healthy REAL RULES MAN and develop the relationship of your dreams.
REAL RULE #4: Don’t Play Games (#)
THE REAL RULES are all about being smart. Smart women don’t play games. The dictionary defines the word game as a form of play or sport, a scheme, plan, or trick. THE OLD RULES are all about playing games. Why shouldn’t you play games in relationships?
• Playing games is for women who’ve been convinced that they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead, must memorize absurd lists of do’s and don’ts.
• Playing games is for women who’ve been warned against using their own natural instincts, and talked into being too mentally frightened to think through situations moment by moment.
• Playing games is for women who’ve been conditioned to believe the purpose of a relationship is to get the prize—an engagement ring—and that then they’ll be the winner.
• Playing games is stupid, and you’re not stupid.
Games are for children, or people who want to act like children. Good parents teach their children not to lie, not to pretend, not to fool people. Would it be okay with you for your child to play these kinds of games with you? I don’t think so. Why, then, would it be okay for you to play these kinds of games with men? It isn’t!
Here’s what’s wrong with playing games in your relationships: The basis of most games is deception, secrecy, and competition. If I’m playing a game of cards, I don’t want the other person to know what’s in my hand—I want the advantage. If I’m playing a game of tennis, I don’t want my partner to know where in his court I plan to serve the ball. If I’m playing a game of chess, I want to get more pieces than my opponent.
Deception, secrecy, and competition may be fine for cards, tennis, and chess, but they don’t belong in your love life.
You know what men always tell me? They say that one of the reasons women have gotten the reputation of not being as smart as men is that we play stupid games. “Does a woman really think we don’t know what’s going on when she’s playing a game?” men will ask me in disbelief.
Of course a man knows what you’re doing. He may even go along with your game for a while, but in the long run, he’s not going to respect you for it. And if he really doesn’t know what’s going on, how can you respect him? IF A MAN IS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR OLD RULES GAMES, WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM?
“Wait a minute,” you might be thinking to yourself. “What about those guys who know what’s going on and like it, men who like women who play games and use the OLD RULES?” As we saw with REAL RULE #3, there are some men who psychologically respond to manipulation. You act indifferent, hard to get, and too busy for him, and suddenly he has to have you. Isn’t this the result you’re hoping for? NO!
Remember: Just because he wants you doesn’t mean he loves you.
I’ll bet you’ve had the experience of wanting something just because you thought you couldn’t get it. Example: You break up with a guy, and discover several weeks later that he’s dating one of your friends. For a moment, you wonder, “Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all … maybe I was too hasty.” If you’re smart, you’ll realize that you don’t really want him back—you just don’t like NOT being able to have him. Your desire is just a reflexive response from your ego. It’s not coming from your heart.
This is exactly what happens to men when you play games with them, games like:
“You Can’t Have Me”
“Maybe I Like You, Maybe I Don’t”
“Try to Guess What I’m Doing on the Nights I’m Not Seeing You”
“Aren’t I Mysterious.”
The men who respond to these games, men who see themselves as the hunter and you as the prey, are men you should stay far away from. Attracting them on purpose is a big mistake.
What’s the alternative to playing games and being manipulative? BEING SMART and BEING APPROPRIATE BY USING THE REAL RULES.
A Real-Life Scenario of How You Can Use the Real Rules to Check Out a Man
THE SITUATION: You’ve just started a relationship with a guy you really like, and you don’t want to be overly excited about sharing your feelings until you know more about him and how he feels. One way to approach this is to use the OLD RULES: never show your enthusiasm when he asks you out, never call him, never return his phone calls, and act nonchalant when he brings you flowers or gifts. In other words, you could play games and TEST HIM.
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Barbara Angelis
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Семейная психология
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You, электронная книга автора Barbara Angelis на английском языке, в жанре семейная психология