What Women Want Men To Know
What Women Want Men To Know
Barbara De Angelis
What makes women tick? And how can women and men use this knowledge to make a great relationship? Top relationships expert Barbara De Angelis tells you how‘What Women Want Men To Know’ is a book for men and women alike. Barbara De Angelis reveals what makes women tick, just why it is they do what they do – in relationships, in bed, and in day to day communication. And what they want from their men.Essential reading for the man who wants to understand his partner better, it is also a must for the woman who wants to understand her own relationship and needs: “first and foremost this book is for you as a woman to read. It wasn’t written just to help men understand you – it is an invitation for you to know and understand yourself more than you ever have before… ”The book includes the top 10 turn offs for women in bed and the top 10 turn ons.At a time when our stressed-out lifestyles are making healthy, fulfilled relationships increasingly elusive, the foremost female writer in this genre has provided, yet again, a route to a greater understanding of the one you love.This is vintage De Angelis.
WHAT
WOMEN
WANT MEN
TO KNOW
The Ultimate Book About Love, Sex,
And Relationships For You –
And The Man You Love
BARBARA DE ANGELIS, PH.D.
DEDICATION (#ulink_2b43fc8c-e8f6-5530-817b-72122c4b96da)
To the one I waited for all these years,
in honor of Love that does not flee from the face of fire,
but joyfully submits,
knowing that, through grace,
it will be transformed into gold.
CONTENTS
Cover (#ua16a9676-7871-58ad-8943-a7f9a05be52b)
Title Page (#u60b3e2e3-535c-5984-ae4a-ada2bd5e9f76)
Dedication (#u817f87b8-e2d3-58e5-8ee2-44650db8143d)
Introduction (#ulink_b2ae04ee-ee57-5aab-8106-f43c59dd0c8b)
A Message to Women
A Message to Men (#u52ead9db-9e5d-5b92-ae89-cd92fb295994)
PART I: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US (#u42611d65-4f1a-5c55-9277-4d6bdd752dba)
1 Women Put Love First (#u949455b8-32ca-5f95-a07b-e496b2a3815c)
2 Women Are Creators (#ub0bcccf9-b50a-5d16-831f-f11843a3a285)
3 Women Have a Sacred Relationship with Time (#ue35572eb-5f6a-513f-8a62-03340731a57a)
4 Women Need to Feel Safe (#litres_trial_promo)
5 Women Need to Feel Connected (#litres_trial_promo)
6 Women Need to Feel Valued (#litres_trial_promo)
7 Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong (#litres_trial_promo)
PART 2: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE, INTIMACY AND COMMUNICATION (#litres_trial_promo)
8 How to Avoid Turning a Perfectly Sane Woman into a Raving Maniac (#litres_trial_promo)
9 How to Be the Perfect Lover Outside of the Bedroom (#litres_trial_promo)
10 Five Secrets About How Women Communicate (#litres_trial_promo)
11 The Top Ten Male Communication Habits That Drive Women Crazy (#litres_trial_promo)
12 What Women Hate to Hear Men Say and What Women Love to Hear Men Say (#litres_trial_promo)
PART 3: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (#litres_trial_promo)
13 Sexual Secrets About Women (#litres_trial_promo)
14 Women’s Top Twenty Sexual Turn-Offs (#litres_trial_promo)
15 Women’s Top Twenty Sexual Turn-Ons (#litres_trial_promo)
Conclusion (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
Other Works (#litres_trial_promo)
More About Barbara De Angelis (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
INTRODUCTION (#ulink_712a937d-a41c-5849-a7cd-b709adbdeb76)
A MESSAGE TO WOMEN (#ulink_371627d6-86f9-5304-8647-a20b4b76c8f7)
I wrote this book for you, and for the man you love. I believe that it is a book every woman has always wished existed, a book she could give to her mate that would effectively explain all the things she wanted him to know about loving her. “Read this,” she would say, “and you will understand me.”
How many times have I myself wished for such a book: times when it was clear that, once again, I had failed to successfully convey my needs to my partner; times when, no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince him that if only he would make one small gesture or handle a situation a bit differently, things would be so much easier between us; times when my attempt to communicate what I wanted and why it was important to me resulted in him concluding that I was simply too needy rather than being motivated to do something that would make me happy. In these, and so many other moments, I would sigh, as all women have undoubtedly sighed for thousands of years, and wish there was some way I could get through to him, some way to make him understand.
If you are a woman reading this, you know this sigh well. It is the sigh that whispers, “I just want him to care enough to really see who I am.” It is the primal need to be known, to be valued, to be accepted just as you are. Of course, we all have tasted this experience of another soul truly knowing ours. Ironically, it is the bond we have with other women – our girlfriends, our sisters, our colleagues – where the very kind of deep comprehension of who we are and what we are trying to say happens effortlessly, and almost instantaneously.
Does the following story sound familiar?
You are sitting across from a girlfriend at lunch, and early on in the conversation you start to explain a problem you are having in your relationship, or something your mate did that upset you. Within moments of your initial remarks, your friend seems to understand exactly what you mean. She nods her head sympathetically, shows concern for all the right issues, and even finishes your sentences with the perfect words. And as you look at her gratefully, something inside you sighs with relief and exclaims: “YES! That’s exactly how it is … You know just how I am feeling!”
The conversation continues, and within ten minutes, you and your girlfriend have agreed on solutions to a whole list of issues that you and your husband have argued over, with no resolution, for ten years. You’re amazed at how effortless the discussion is, how completely she comprehends your emotions, your reactions, your needs. You shake your head in frustration, knowing that if you try to bring up these same topics with your mate, his response will be quite different: thinly veiled irritation; eye-rolling; sighs of weary exasperation; and numb, emotionless stares, as if you were not speaking English but Swahili, so therefore he has no idea what you are talking about!
As you finish your lunch, you thank your friend for being so supportive. And then you say the words that, at some point, we have all found ourselves saying to other women in our lives: “If only my husband could understand me like you do …! It’s too bad that you’re a woman – otherwise we’d be perfect for each other!” And your friend nods in agreement, for once again, she understands exactly what you mean …
After countless experiences like this one, after decades of working with men and women trying to help them understand one another, it was time for me to write What Women Want Men to Know. Actually, people have been asking me to write a book like this for over ten years. Ever since 1990, when I wrote my first bestseller, Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, women and men as well have begged me to create its counterpart – a book that would explain women to men. In my seminars, on my television and radio shows, through my fan mail, and whenever they would meet me on the street or in an airport, literally thousands of people have made the same kinds of comments:
“I’ve tried to explain why I am the way I am to my boyfriend, but he just doesn’t get it. I know if you explained it, he would listen!”
“Why can’t my husband understand that if he just did certain simple things, I would be so happy? Please write a book telling men what we want and why we want it!”
“My best girlfriend understands me PERFECTLY. If men could eavesdrop on what women say to each other, they would become experts on loving us!”
“Every time I try to talk to my husband about sex, he gets defensive. Could you please write the nitty-gritty stuff about women and sex for men to read like you did for women to read in your book Secrets About Men?”
“My wife complains that I’m not intimate enough, but whenever I ask her to explain what she means, her answers leave me confused, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. I really do want to make her happy, but I need help figuring her out.”
What Women Want Men to Know is my response to these requests for help from both sexes: It presents all the things women wish men knew about understanding us and loving us. Over the past twenty-five years, I have worked with tens of thousands of women, listening to what they wanted and needed from the men in their lives, and hearing their frustrations in not always being able to get these needs met. I’ve also worked with tens of thousands of men, discovering how they look at love, sex, and intimacy, and how mystified they often are about us as women. I’ve learned how to translate for women what men want and how they feel, as I did in Secrets About Men. And now, in this book, I’ve translated for men what women want, how we feel, and what we’ve been trying to tell them about loving us.
WHY MEN NEED THIS BOOK
Before we go on, there’s something very important that I need to share with you, something I reiterate to men in the next section: I love men! I have loved men my whole life, and despite a very substantial collection of heartaches and disappointments, I have never stopped loving them or given up on them or on relationships. So this book is not about what’s wrong with men; it is not designed to chastise or criticize them for not knowing how to love us properly. Rather, its intention is to invite men to see and understand women as they never have before. I have a reputation for knowing how to get through to my male readers, students, and seminar attendees, and I worked very hard in writing this book to express information in a way I hope men will really hear. You see, I understand how difficult it is for men to go where we want them to go emotionally, to open up to the kind of intimacy we crave, and to understand the heart and soul of women. And it is out of that love and compassion that I approach working with men, and it is out of that love and compassion that this book is written.
Recently, I bumped into an old friend in a health food store. I asked how she and her husband were doing, and we spent a few moments catching up on each other’s lives. “What are you working on these days?” she questioned. “A new book called What Women Want Men to Know,” I replied.
“Really? That’s fabulous!” she said excitedly. “I can’t wait to get it and give it to Donald. I mean, he’s a great guy, but, well, he’s still a man, right?”
A male customer happened to be standing next to us during this exchange, and when he heard my friend’s comments, he shot us a nasty look, as if to say, “You women just love putting men down.” As he walked by shaking his head, my girlfriend and I exchanged a smile, because we knew that his interpretation of what had occurred was totally incorrect – she hadn’t been putting her husband down at all. She adores her husband. Rather, she’d been describing a reality most women naturally understand – that even the best men are still MEN, not women, and for that reason alone, they can use a little help understanding the females in their lives.
The harsh truth is this: Just because men love us does not mean they can know us. They inhabit a very different world than we do, and as we will see throughout this book, our world often appears mysterious, confusing, and contradictory to them.
I think this is why often even the best-intentioned man who deeply loves his partner appears to simply not persist at trying to understand her. To put it bluntly, many men just give up, not because they don’t care, but because they feel they are certain to fail at gaining any glimmer of true cognition of our complex nature, and since men don’t like failing, they often opt for not trying at all.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to make it easier for men to try to succeed at understanding and loving us, to make them better boyfriends and better husbands, better companions and better lovers. And I wrote this book to make it easier for you to succeed at expressing your needs, explaining your nature, and sharing your heart with the man you love.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK FOR YOURSELF
First and foremost, this book is for you as a woman to read. It wasn’t written just to help men understand you – it is an invitation for you to know and understand yourself more than you ever have before. After all, if you don’t quite understand why you feel the things you feel, do the things you do, and need the things you need, you will have a difficult time explaining these parts of your being to the men in your life. And if we are honest, we must confess that sometimes we wonder about ourselves as women: Are we “normal”? Is what we expect and hope for “too much”? Are our men right when they accuse us of being “too sensitive, too needy”? In truth, we don’t always know and fathom ourselves as deeply as we claim to, and this lack of knowledge results in the destructive habits of self-criticism, self-doubt, and low self-esteem.
What Women Want Men to Know will reveal to you and to the men who read it that there are intelligent, loving reasons behind all the things you do and feel. There is a reason we call a man five times until we get through; a reason we feel terrible when he shuts down when we try to find out what’s bothering him; a reason we love to plan time with our mate, and become anxious when he avoids committing to scheduling in advance. The reason is not that we are neurotic, or weak, or insecure. The reason, simply put, is that we are women, and what drives us and defines us is uniquely different from what drives and defines men. As you will see in the following chapters, our needs and behaviors as women only appear to be mysterious or confusing when we don’t understand our true nature.
This is one of my purposes in writing this book, so that as women we can understand ourselves more and judge ourselves less, so that we can honor and celebrate our unique capacity to feel deeply, to love with uninterrupted focus, and to cherish connection over separation. When you have this kind of confidence and deep comprehension of yourself as a woman, you will have a much better chance of being able to communicate your needs and emotions to the man in your life. Of course, this still isn’t a guarantee that you will always get the response you want, but at least you will have an advantage in that you will be able to give men something they appreciate and feel comfortable with when addressing a problem: a logical explanation.
Here’s what I mean: Imagine that you’re trying to communicate to your husband why you would like him to commit to planning more specific activities in advance with you and your children on the weekends, rather than always waiting until the last minute. You feel his resistance to this idea, his rebellion against feeling pinned down, and he responds by saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is about. Why do you always want to have things planned out all the time? Why can’t you be more spontaneous?”
Think for a moment – what would your answer be? Do you actually know why planning things in advance is so important to you, not just logistically but emotionally? Would you know how to express this to him? Much of the time, we aren’t sure why we want and need the things we do, and we reply to a man’s reluctance with vague statements like: “I can’t explain it,” or “Isn’t it enough that I tell you it’s important to me?” or, when we are really frustrated, “Just forget it – you obviously don’t care about how I feel.”
Believe it or not, your man is listening, but he is probably listening from his head, and not from his emotions. Your lack of what he considers a logical explanation leaves him to conclude, consciously or unconsciously, that there is no logical explanation for these needs of yours, that they are just another example of the way women get needy or whiney, and are never satisfied. Without information that can satisfy his brain, your partner may have a difficult time opening his heart to doing what it takes to make you happy. Instead, he will often dismiss your needs or requests as whimsical, irrational, and not deserving of serious attention.
Throughout this book, I’ve not only detailed what women want regarding love, intimacy, communication, and sex but WHY we want it, WHY it is important to us, WHY, because of who we are as women, certain kinds of behaviors from our male partners fulfill our most profound and essential needs. These explanations are just as important for you to understand as they are for men, and the information you’ll gain will make it much easier for you to successfully communicate with the person you love. So before you give this book to the man you love, please read and understand it for yourself!
HOW TO SHARE THIS BOOK WITH MEN
Earlier, I said that I wrote this book for you as a woman. And of course I also wrote it for men: any man who wants to be more successful at loving, pleasing, and living harmoniously with a woman. If you are presently in a relationship with a man and are reading these words right now, I must warn you about a temptation that will be difficult to resist – the temptation to thrust this book under his nose when he comes home tonight, or the next time you see him, and say: “Here … READ THIS! It explains everything I’ve been trying to tell you for years. Better yet, MEMORIZE IT!”
As enticing as this scenario might sound, it probably won’t be particularly effective in getting your loved one to want to read this book, and will only serve to alienate him further from the possibility. How do I know this? Men who’ve been the “victims” of my enthusiastic female fans and ended up cringing at the very sound of my name have confessed it to me, sometimes years later, when they finally recover from the trauma of hearing “Barbara says…” every five minutes!
I met such a man only a few weeks ago. I was waiting in line at a coffee store when I was approached by a friendly-looking guy in his thirties. “You’re Barbara De Angelis, aren’t you?” he asked. I told him I was, and he began to smile.
“I just had to come up to you,” he replied, “because I used to really hate you.” Noticing the look of distress on my face, he quickly continued. “I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who worshiped you. You were like her guru. She had ordered every tape and video you’ve made, she owned every book you ever wrote, and all I heard day and night was ‘Barbara said this’ and ‘Barbara thinks this about that,’ most of which, by the way, was that I was screwed up. Whenever we’d have an argument, I felt like I was in a fight with two people – my girlfriend and you! By the time we broke up, I was furious at you, and blamed you for all of my problems.
“I went through a year of disappointing dating experiences. Then, several months ago, a male friend of mine told me he’d just read a fantastic book about how to choose the right partner called Are You the One for Me? He read me a few passages on the phone one night, and everything he said made perfect sense and explained some of the mistakes I’d been making. ‘This sounds terrific,’ I told him. ‘Can I borrow the book?’ He agreed to lend it to me, and the next evening at the gym, he handed me a well-worn copy of Are You the One for Me? – with your picture on the cover! You can imagine my surprise when I found out this great book was written by the woman who had ruined my relationship with my girlfriend.
“Well, in spite of my prejudice, I did go home and read it. And of course I loved the book, and had to admit that my ex-girlfriend had been right – your stuff is great. I even called her up that week to tell her she wouldn’t believe whose book I was reading, and we had a really good conversation. So when I saw you here, I just had to come over and tell you that I don’t hate you anymore, and that actually, I think you’re wonderful!”
I gave this man a big hug, and thanked him for his delightful story. Would you be surprised if I told you that I’ve heard this same tale in different versions many times? It seems my readers, usually the female ones, sometimes use my books as intellectual weapons, and I become an unwitting ally in their attack on their partner’s behavior. Of course this approach never works, and I always feel regretful when I hear about it.
So here’s my request to you: If you are going to share this book with the man in your life, PLEASE SHARE IT LOVINGLY. Don’t shove it at him along with a sarcastic comment; don’t give it to him in the middle of an argument; don’t leave it on his pillow with a note attached that says: “You need this!” Come from a positive, instead of a negative, place, as if you’ve discovered a great treasure and want him to know about it, and he will be much more open to hearing what I have to say.
Here are some suggestions for getting your partner to read What Women Want Men to Know:
Ask him to read the “Message to Men” that follows this section. It sets the tone for the whole book, and will hopefully make him want to continue reading!
Give him a copy as a gift with a note that says: “Because I love you and always want to have a fabulous relationship and a great sex life…” For extra emphasis, include some lingerie with another note: “I can’t wait to wear this for you,” so he gets the idea that he will be rewarded for reading the book!
Read him small sections, particularly the ones marked For Men, and ask him what he thinks of the information. This will allow him to slowly become interested in the material.
Let him know you’re reading the book so you can do a better job of expressing yourself to him, and give him an example of what you’ve learned. Then he won’t feel you’re saying he is the only one who needs the book.
Arrange for one of your girlfriends to give him the book.
Read him hot tips from the sex section while you’re lying in bed, and then go back to reading. This will get him intrigued, and maybe even more…!
Leave the book in the bathroom with your favorite pages marked. Do not remove it for several weeks!
Perhaps you’re already thinking: “My partner will NEVER read this.” My response is: Don’t be so sure. I worked hard to make this book user-friendly for men, to explain things in ways that will make it easy for them to want to read more. Men know I like them, and often they can accept feedback and suggestions from me that they can’t from their own wife or girlfriend. My hope is that receiving this information about you from me will help the man you love finally hear what you’ve been trying to tell him for a long time. One thing is certain – any man who reads this book will know that my intention in writing it is to make his love life easier, less intense and dramatic, and more hassle-free. And no man can argue with those results!
How else can you share this book with men?
Give it to the boyfriends or husbands of your female friends – you know they need it, and your girlfriends will love you for it.
Send it to your former lover. Although your relationship with him is over, you will be doing a service to the next woman he is with. And if you are still interested in him, maybe it will reopen some doors.
Give it to your male friends who just can’t seem to make a relationship work. Their future partners will thank you one day!
Give it to your father. It’s not too late, and your mother will be grateful that you cared.
Give it to your son if he is old enough to appreciate it. Don’t you wish someone would have taught your mate this information when he was starting to date?
GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
The information in this book was compiled from a combination of sources. The majority comes from several decades of working with tens of thousands of women and hearing what they wish men knew about them. As in all of my books, I’ve also added my own experiences from relationships into the mix, along with those of my close friends and acquaintances. In addition, I include hundreds of responses from a questionnaire I distributed to women over the past year. (See the back of the book for a list of the questions.)
Still, with all of this input, the best I can do in these chapters is to generalize about the way women are. All of us are unique and different. And while many women will find the descriptions of how we think and feel, and why we do the things we do, accurate, others may, at times, read what I’ve written and say, “I’m not that way at all.” The truth is I know many men who have more of the “female” characteristics and motivations I describe (straight men as well as gay men), and on the flip side, I know many women who demonstrate more of what might traditionally be called “male” habits. I know men who are the ones in a relationship desperately needing attention and reassurance, and women who are shut down and hate talking about feelings.
The bottom line is that all things don’t apply to everyone. I am attempting to communicate what I’ve heard and learned over the years without being accurate to every subgroup. So the best way for you to read this book is to take what feels pertinent and valuable to you, and don’t worry about the rest. And of course What Women Want Men to Know isn’t everything women want men to know – to complete that task I would have to write volumes! I have tried to include the information I felt was most important and useful.
I hope this book will be everything you want it to be. I hope that after reading it you will love and honor yourself more and judge yourself less. I hope it will open the doors of clarity and communication between you and the man you love. I hope it will give you the words you need to say so that your partner can understand you from the inside out. I hope it will be a source of comfort, strength, and inspiration, reminding you that you are not alone on your journey. Most of all, I hope this book brings you many steps closer to creating the kind of loving, fulfilling, and passionate relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
A MESSAGE TO MEN (#ulink_a38b5894-2a77-5375-ac39-c441fe6490eb)
What if I told you that by doing a few simple things,you could get the woman you love to stop actingin some of the ways that drive you crazy?What if you knew some magic words to say that wouldwork in seconds to make a woman feel like you were themost wonderful mate she could ever imagine?What if I taught you some secret techniques that wouldmake your partner want to have more sex with you?
Do I have your attention yet, guys? Does any of this sound interesting? If so, you’ve come to the right place, and you’re reading the right book!
Let me alleviate any suspicions you may have and say from the start what this book is not:
It’s not a “chick book,” written just for women, that I hope your wife or girlfriend will somehow convince you to read.
It’s not a thinly disguised condemnation of men, explaining how it’s all your fault.
It’s not chapter after chapter of instructions to follow that will make you feel as if you have no power in your relationship and are just obeying orders.
It’s not a book designed to make you more like a woman, and less like a man.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to help you feel more successful, more powerful, and more in control of your love life. I wrote it so you could have more of the things you want in relationships, and less of the things you don’t want. It’s a book written specifically with you in mind, a book written to make your life easier.
I’ve spent the past twenty years working with tens of thousand of people, about half of them men. Men of all ages and from all backgrounds have opened up and shared with me what frustrates them in their relationships, what confuses them about women, and what they want in the areas of love and sex. I’ve been listening carefully, and here’s some of what I’ve heard men want:
You want to feel successful in your relationship, like you’re doing a good job and not messing it up.
You want less hassle, stress, and drama.
You want more peace, calm, and harmony.
You want frequent and passionate sex with your partner.
You don’t want to have to emotionally process all the time and feel as though you’re always “working on things.”
You want your mate to criticize you less and appreciate you more.
You want to feel like you’re making your woman happy.
This book is designed to help you achieve these goals. How? By understanding more about why women are the way they are, and learning some simple, practical ways you can communicate with us and relate to us that will make you and your partner happier and more satisfied in every way.
Now I have some really great news for you:
You know all of the stuff you hate about how women can get? Our neediness, our clingyness, our insecurities, the feeling you have that no matter how much you do or give, it’s never enough for us? I want you to know that so much of this is avoidable. Perhaps a woman has tried to explain: “If only you’d do x or y, it would make such a huge difference,” and you’ve thought to yourself, “Yeah, right.” But I’m here to tell you that this is the most important secret about women you will ever discover:
When you learn just a few simple things to do and say to the woman in your life, you’ll prevent her from having the very kinds of emotional reactions that you dislike.
Does this sound too good to be true? Well, it isn’t. I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to offer you the information you need, presented logically, clearly, and to the point, for creating the kind of relationship with a woman that is fun, enjoyable, satisfying, and much less work than you could ever imagine.
Are you convinced that this book is worth reading yet? I hope so!
THE MORE YOU KNOW, THE MORE POWERFUL AND SUCCESSFUL YOU ARE
Recently I gave a lecture to a large group and included some of the material you will be reading in this book. During the question-and-answer session, a man stood up and said defiantly, “I’m what you might call a macho sort of guy, and I’m having a hard time with this. It sounds like what you want is for me to basically think like a woman; act like a woman; in other words, to become a woman.”
“Why do you think I want you to become like a woman?” I asked him.
“Well, if I’m always trying to figure out what my wife wants, and remembering her three basic needs like you talked about, and do this and that little thing to make her happier, aren’t I becoming like a woman?”
“Let me ask you a question,” I replied. “Do you own a car?” The man nodded. “Is it a nice car that you’d like to keep for a while?”
“Yes,” he said proudly. “Actually it’s only a few months old.”
“Okay, so did you read the manual when you got the car?”
“Sure,” he said.
“And the manual taught you how to operate the car properly, what kind of gas to use in order to run the vehicle efficiently, what warning signs to look for that might indicate you’re having problems, when to get checkups so the car can last for a long time, how to service the car so it doesn’t break down, and stuff like this, right?”
“Right,” he answered.
“So,” I said to him with a mischievous smile, “by learning about your car and understanding how it works, were you becoming like your car? Do you feel more like a car since you read the manual? When the dealer who sold you the vehicle gave you the manual, did you become defensive and say, ‘Hey, do you want me to become like a car?’”
The audience laughed, and the man laughed along with them, because he couldn’t argue with my logic.
“See, your car is very valuable to you,” I explained. “It’s an investment, so you want to protect that investment and learn everything you can about making sure the car works perfectly. Now, I notice you’re sitting next to a woman who appears to be very happy with everything I’m saying, so I assume it’s your wife?”
“Yeah, she made me come tonight.” He grinned.
“Well, guess what? She’s your investment, and a more expensive one than the car, I might add! So why not learn all you can about her, how to keep her ‘running properly,’ so to speak, and then you’ll get the most out of your investment…and more enjoyable rides too!”
The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the man thanked me and sat down, kissing his wife, who was, I’m sure, thrilled that she had dragged him to my seminar.
I admit I like using car analogies with men, because they are effective in getting the point across – that learning more about that which is valuable to you is your way of protecting and taking care of what is yours. Educating yourself about what is important to you is a way to make yourself more powerful as a man, not less powerful.
In areas of your life other than your intimate relationships, you probably find it easier to be open to learning and improving yourself. For instance, you’d never be defensive or reluctant about reading the manual for your new car, or your new VCR, or your new cell phone. In the same way, if you had to make an important presentation for work to a new client, you’d want to learn everything you could about him and his company to ensure that you’d make a good impression – you’d never say to your boss: “I don’t need any help figuring out what to say. Stop telling me what to do all the time.” And if you’re a golfer, or if you play tennis, or participate in any other sport, you read and learn everything you can about how to master that sport – you’d never stubbornly insist that you didn’t need any help, that learning from other people would make you a wimp.
You know where I’m going with all of this, right? Your intimate relationship is your most important and valuable investment. The more you learn about women and about love, the better you’ll become as a husband or lover, and the more control you will have over your love life.
While flying to New York recently, I was seated next to a gentleman of Asian-American descent who is a consultant to large corporations and business executives on understanding and operating successfully within the Asian culture. He is considered an expert in his field, and companies pay him a lot of money to train their staffs in how to relate to their business counterparts in Japan, China, Singapore, and other Pacific Rim countries. This man told me fascinating stories about companies that tried to take their businesses overseas without educating themselves about the cultural differences, and ran into problem after problem. “It’s amazing,” he explained to me, “how comprehending the differences between cultures, and learning just a few simple tips for effective communication and behavior, can be the key to billions of dollars of profit, and the difference between success and failure.”
As I listened to this very intelligent man, I couldn’t help but think about the work I do, and when he was finished with his story, I said, “Well, it seems that we’re in the same profession.”
“Really?” he replied. “Are you a cross-cultural consultant too?”
“In a way,” I responded with a smile. “I teach men and women how to understand each other.”
The man laughed and said: “Then I have no doubt your job is harder than mine!”
Just as, until they undergo the proper education, this man’s clients can’t be expected to understand their business associates from a totally different culture, so too you can’t be expected to understand women just because you love us! Why? Because as you already know too well, men and women are very different. Besides, the truth is that as women, we don’t always understand ourselves, and if we can’t figure out why we are the way we are, how in the world can we expect you to understand us? As you’ll see when you read What Women Want Men to Know, it wasn’t just written for men in order to help you understand women – it was written to help us as women understand ourselves, so we can communicate more precisely and more effectively with you about what we want and need in ways you can actually hear us.
WHY THIS BOOK HAS FOUND ITS WAY TO YOU
If you are reading these words right now, chances are that this book was given to you by a woman who loves you. Perhaps it was your wife, your lover, a close friend, your ex-girlfriend, your sister-in-law, but definitely someone who wants you to be happy and successful in your relationships.
If your partner gave you this book:
She isn’t saying that you are the problem.
She isn’t saying she is upset with you.
She isn’t saying that you aren’t doing it right.
She isn’t complaining or making you feel wrong.
She isn’t implying that she’s perfect and you’re the one who’s messed up.
She isn’t insinuating that it’s all your fault.
She isn’t alleging that you’re stupid and can’t figure this stuff out for yourself.
If your wife or girlfriend gave you this book, she is simply saying that she loves you. She wants things to be better, she wants your relationship to last, she wants to make you happy, and she feels you might get some information from this book that will help you act in ways that will allow her to be more of what you want her to be! Be happy that someone cares about you this much and is reaching out rather than shutting down.
If someone other than your partner gave you this book, know that she, or he, is a true friend who wants the best for you.
If you found your own way to this book, it is because you love women and want to make your relationships with them easier, full of more joy and less stress. I applaud you for being a man of vision. If you are already involved with someone, she is lucky indeed to have a man who cares enough to want to become a better partner and lover. And if you haven’t found your true love yet, believe me, she is going to be happy and grateful when she meets you.
Perhaps at this point in your reading, despite how much sense all of this is (hopefully!) making, you hear a familiar, rebellious voice in your head that says:
“Jeez, another of my wife’s books. She’s always trying to ‘fix’ me, like I’m screwed up or something. I’m sure it’s going to tell me that all the problems in our relationship are my fault, that I need to change. I don’t need this! Why should I listen to some other woman I don’t even know telling me what to do? What a waste of time.”
Here’s my response:
This book is going to make you feel smarter and more competent, not stupid and incompetent.
It’s going to make you feel less out of control, and more in control.
It’s going to give you more power over your life, not ask you to give up your power.
And the small amount of time you spend reading it will be nothing compared to the amount of time you will save because you will be having less arguments, less hassles, and less unhappy moments.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME
Here are some things I’d like you to know about me:
First of all, I love men. I have loved them all my life. If I didn’t, I’d have written a book titled Men: Who Needs Them? or It’s All His Damn Fault, rather than What Women Want Men to Know! Instead, I wrote this book because I realize that although men continue to make sincere efforts to figure us out, it’s not always a simple matter for you to understand the woman in your life. And perhaps it will be easier to hear about what women want and need regarding love, sex, and intimacy from me, a woman you don’t know but one who has talked to thousands of other women, rather than hearing it from your own partner.
So think of me as a translator, a mediator of sorts in a peace process, sitting across the table from you and saying, “Look, if you want to get such and such results in your relationship with your wife, I suggest you try doing this, because I can guarantee she will not only love it, but will complain less,” or “I know her request for such and such seems silly, and you can’t imagine that something so trivial will make a difference, but trust me – I’ve talked to her – and it will,” or “If you want to avoid turningher into an emotional wreck, I propose you work on eliminating this certain phrase from your vocabulary, because whenever she hears it, she’s going to overreact and you won’t like the outcome.” Do I believe the information I’m going to share with you in the following chapters can make an enormous difference in your love life? You bet I do. Give it a chance, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Second, this book is written by me, a woman, about what women want men to know. Isn’t that the way it should be? If you’re going to learn about what women want you to know in the areas of communication, intimacy, love, and sex, shouldn’t your guide be a woman? What good is it hearing what some other man thinks about what women want? Naturally I am biased, but I do believe that this book contains information you’d never learn if it was written by a man. Women have confided in me, and told me things about themselves, about their needs, and about sex that I am sure they would never have revealed to a man. I think you will be intrigued by what they have to say.
Third, if you’re thinking, “Why did you just write about what men are supposed to learn and do differently? It seems so one-sided. What about women? Shouldn’t they be trying to understand our needs, and make us happy too?” Well, I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s why several years ago, I wrote Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. It taught women all about men’s likes and dislikes regarding love, sex, communication, and suggested ways women could adjust their behavior in and out of the bedroom to improve their relationships with their husband or boyfriend. Millions of women read Secrets, and when they shared it with their partners, the men concluded that I was, indeed, their ally. So each time you read something in the following chapters that makes you want to say, “But what about what SHE does wrong?,” just remember – it’s all in the other book!
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
It was a challenge to write this book so that both women and men could feel I was talking directly to them. There are sections in which I am explaining certain things to women about themselves, and hoping that you’re reading this information as well. Then you will notice specific places where I make a point just for men. The best way to read the book is from start to finish, knowing that everything I’ve included in What Women Want Men to Know is designed to make you a lot smarter about women, love, and sex.
If you haven’t done so already, please go back and read the “Message to Women” at the beginning of the book. It’s just as much a message to you as it is to women, and you will find it helps to set up the rest of the chapters.
As I remind women in their Message, every female is unique and different, and so at best, all of what you read will be generalizations. This is where you come in: If you’re in a relationship, I strongly suggest that you discuss the material in this book with your partner:
Ask her if a particular point accurately describes her feelings.
Invite her to comment on what I say or what other women expressed.
Let her know what specific suggestions you’d be willing to try, and ask if these would make a difference to her.
Having these kinds of discussions will give you much valuable information about your wife or girlfriend. You’ll also find these conversations effortless and stress-free, compared with ones you’ve had in the past, because you will both be able to start your dialogue from the common ground of this book, rather than just your own opinions, and thus it will feel less adversarial and more like you’re both on the same side. Best of all, your partner will LOVE it that you are showing interest in her feelings, wanting her input, and that you care enough to ask.
I need to take a moment and say what this book is not about. It’s not about deeply wounded women with severe emotional problems who have shut down their feelings, suppressed their needs, and cut themselves off from their hearts. If you are presently or have been with a woman like this, you may find that nothing I say about how women behave applies to her. That’s because in order to defend herself from further pain, she’s built walls of protection around herself, and detached from her ability to feel. Men who make a habit of choosing emotionally unavailable women will be unable to relate to much of this book, and if you suspect you might be in that category, consider reading Are You the Onefor Me?, which will help you understand more about the patterns that prompt you to end up in unhealthy relationships.
I have a confession to make: I wrote this book secretly hoping my own partner would memorize every page, drink in each word, and digest every bit of information about me as a woman. I hoped he would enthusiastically try out every suggestion and explore each technique, intent on doing all he could to become the man of my dreams. If your wife or girlfriend gave you What Women Want Men to Know, guess what – she’s secretly hoping the same thing that I am!
Of course, what I am describing is how a woman would read a similar book, how a woman would approach pleasing a man, how a woman views improving herself, how a woman views love. Did you know that we are that way – focused on loving you twenty-four hours a day? Well, you’ll learn about it in the chapters that follow.
So how will you read this book as a man? What will you do with what you discover in these pages? Only you have the answers to these questions.
But I’ll confess another secret: If my sweetheart only takes a few important things from this book, it will be enough. I will be grateful that he was interested enough to spend the time to read about me, that he was committed enough to try to understand the tenderness of my heart, that he cared enough to consider ways in which he could make me feel more safe, more valued, more loved.
Your woman feels the same way. If, by reading what I offer here, you learn to appreciate her a little more fully, listen a little more closely, and love her a little more sweetly, she will be happy – and it will be enough.
Thanks for trusting me to take you on this journey into the heart and soul of a woman. I promise you it will be worth it.…
PART 1 WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US (#ulink_cb0796a0-2d01-5bbc-8f25-6c7d05b61eee)
I begin this book with an admission to men on behalf of the women you love and the women who love you:
We want men to understand us, to truly grasp why we are the way we are and why we need the things we do.
And we feel frustrated and upset when it appears that you don’t understand us.
But the truth is – and here’s the admission – we do not always fully understand ourselves, either.
Why is it, for instance, that at one moment a woman can seem to be so strong and competent, and the next so fragile and insecure?
What is it about us that makes us feel like a powerful goddess when we are at our best, and like a helpless little girl at our worst?
Why can we be the most enthusiastic cheerleader, the most stalwart supporter, the most loyal protector, the most wise adviser to everyone else – but not always to ourselves?
What does it mean that we can do a million things at once and seem to be handling it all effortlessly until suddenly, in one moment, we collapse under the weight of too much responsibility and just want to crawl under the covers?
Where does our ability to love so deeply come from?
Why is it that we so easily sacrifice our own needs in order to fulfill those of others?
Why do we seem to require more time, attention, and reassurance from men than they require from us?
Why are we the way we are?
We know men ask themselves these questions about us. And whether we readily admit it or not, we have the same questions about ourselves. The good news is that there are answers, reasons that, as women, we feel what we feel, and do what do. These answers are contained in the pages that follow, and are meant to enlighten women as well as men, as they shed light on the mystery of our nature, of our mind and our heart, of our desires and our longings.
Allow me, for a moment, to take you into the heart of a woman, and, through the following stories, reveal our own struggle to understand ourselves:
You know the man you love is going through a hard time in his life, contemplating making some difficult business decisions. Lately, he’s been anxious and distracted, and you want so badly to help in some way. One night after dinner you bring up the subject of his dilemma, sharing some thoughts you’ve had about the challenges he faces, suggesting steps he could take to resolve his problem. As you begin to talk to him, a tense look appears on his face, and with each new idea you present his frown gets worse and worse. Suddenly, you feel him pull away, as if you’ve just been shut out entirely.
“What’s wrong, honey?” you ask with concern.
“I just want to handle this situation myself,” he replies curtly “I don’t need your advice.”
“But I’m only trying to help,” you explain.
“Why don’t you let me figure it out my own way? Don’t you trust me?” he answers, obviously angry. “I hate when you get bossy and controlling like this.” And he leaves the room.
You stand there watching your husband walk away, your heart pounding and tears filling your eyes. You want to run after him, but you can’t find the right words to explain how you feel, how all you wanted to do was to support him. Instead, your efforts have made things even worse. You feel like such a failure. And a part of you wonders: “Is he right? Am I controlling like he says?”
A long weekend is coming up, and you want to spend it with your boyfriend. You had hoped he would mention it by now, but he hasn’t, and you are starting to worry. One night while talking with him on the phone, you bring up the subject: “Have you thought about the holiday weekend?”
“Not really,” he responds.
“Well,” you continue tentatively, “I was hoping we could be together, maybe even go away somewhere.”
Your boyfriend becomes very quiet, and after a few moments says in a flat voice: “Let’s see how the week goes.”
How the week goes? What does he mean by that, you think to yourself. You begin to feel a little panicky. “Don’t you want to spend time with me?” you ask him in a shaky voice.
“Of course I do,” he replies with growing irritation, “but why do we have to plan everything? Can’t you be more spontaneous? You’re so insecure all the time!”
You don’t know how to answer him. You just know that you’d feel so much better if you were sure you could look forward to seeing him that weekend, but you’ve already told him that, and there doesn’t seem to be anything else to say. The conversation ends, and as you get off the phone, you have an ache in your chest that won’t go away. You wonder: “Is he right? Am I too insecure?”
Your husband has left on a business trip. When he arrives at the airport in his destination city, he calls briefly to check in and let you know he is going out for dinner with a client. That night as it’s time for bed you lie there waiting for the phone to ring. You try his hotel room a few times, but get no answer. You leave several messages, and you wait, and you wait, but he doesn’t call. By now, it’s two in the morning, and you’re terribly anxious and worried. Where could he be, and why hasn’t he called? What could keep him from wanting to say good night to you? You finally fall into an uneasy sleep.
The next morning, you get up feeling hopeful, expecting to hear from your husband, but still, nothing. You try to make excuses for him, but you’re having a hard time convincing yourself: “If he was really tired last night, he could at least have called this morning.” As the hours go by with no word from him, your worry turns to paranoia, and your mind proceeds to parade its worst fears before you. “Maybe something is really wrong,” you imagine. “Maybe he got sick; or maybe he’s deliberately avoiding me.” And then the worst fear of all: Could he be there with another woman?
Finally, that evening, your husband calls, and to your great surprise, acts as though everything is fine. “Why didn’t you call me last night or this morning?” you ask in an anxious voice. “I was so worried!”
“I had just talked to you when I arrived, and after dinner I was exhausted and just collapsed into bed,” he answers, his voice expressing bewilderment that you are upset at all. “And this morning I was focused on getting ready for my meeting. Then I went from one event to another. I figured we would talk sometime today.”
You try to explain why you were so agitated at not hearing from him, but it doesn’t come out right, and you’re afraid you sound too desperate and clingy. Your husband listens, and you know by his response that he is annoyed. “Do I have to check in with you every five minutes?” he says sharply “Why do you fall apart just because I don’t call you for twenty-four hours?”
The conversation ends on a bad note, and when you hang up the phone, you feel awful. All you had wanted to do was let him know how much you missed him. Why couldn’t he understand how worried you’d been? Was it that unreasonable for you to have been concerned when he didn’t call or answer his phone? Or could it be that he was right: “Is something wrong with me?” you wonder. “Am I really too needy?”
Most women reading these stories will resonate with the experiences and emotions described because, whether to a lesser or greater extent, we’ve all had these feelings at one time or another. We wonder if our reactions to our partner are justified or if they are overreactions. We question whether our needs are legitimate or excessive. “Am I normal?” we ask ourselves.
As for men, well, I suspect that many of you reading these stories will probably have a very different response, something like: “Here are three perfect examples of the way women overreact and drive men nuts!” And you’re right – these scenarios are typical of the kinds of things women do and feel that men simply don’t understand, and therefore, often categorize as undesirable female behavior.
It is easy to condemn something when we don’t understand it. When not seen with eyes of wisdom and deep comprehension, a woman’s unique and beautiful characteristics can appear as something else not so beautiful to men, and even to ourselves. But when you learn the inner secrets of a woman’s nature, suddenly what appeared to be confusing becomes clear, what seemed unacceptable becomes appreciated, what was challenging becomes endearing.
When I prepared to write this section of the book, my goal was simple. I was looking for a few basic truths about who women are that would help us and the men we love understand our feelings and our behavior. In my research I asked women:
“What are the things you want the man you love to understand about you as a woman at the deepest level of your being?”
“What do you need to explain to your partner about your female nature that is very basic to you, yet, you suspect, so different from the way he experiences the world as a man?”
In the chapters that follow, I’ve done my best to summarize these basics about who women are, why we are that way, and what we want men to know about loving us. The first few chapters focus on three characteristics, the ones I believe are essential to understand in order to truly understand women. So much of why women do what we do, feel what we feel, and say what we say has its source in these truths. They are:
THE THREE BASIC TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN
1. Women put love first.
2. Women are creators.
3. Women have a sacred relationship with time.
Chapters 4, 5, and 6 present the three secret needs every woman has as a once-and-for-all response to men’s question: “Is there really something I can do that will make her stop complaining and be happy?” (Yes, there is!) And finally, Chapter 7 details “Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong”!
1 WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST (#ulink_d442a38a-ef2e-57af-82f4-5f377bddd4e7)
A few months ago, a male friend I hadn’t heard from in a while called to tell me he was in a new relationship with a woman he’d been seeing for six months. Brian had dated a lot in his life but had never really been seriously involved with anyone, so this was big news. I asked him how it was going, and he answered that things were great, but he had some concerns about his girlfriend.
“What kind of concerns?” I asked him.
“Well, Lori is really terrific, very sweet and affectionate,” he began, “but I’m worried that something’s wrong with her, like maybe she has psychological problems. That’s why I am calling you – to get your feedback.”
“Tell me what she does that makes you think she has psychological problems,” I prompted him.
“To begin with, she says she thinks about me all the time; she calls me during the day just to tell me she misses me; she plans special things for us to do weeks in advance; and she always wants to talk about us and how well we get along. Then last week,” he continued in a very serious voice, “she told me that our relationship is the most important thing in her life!”
“And what do you conclude from all of this?” I asked him, trying to hide the fact that I was smiling on the other end of the phone.
“Well, if she’s so focused on me like that, I think she obviously must be neurotic and insecure.”
“No, dear,” I said to my friend with a chuckle, “she must be a woman in love.”
My friend Brian is a good guy – but he’s a guy. He didn’t have a lot of experience being in long-term relationships, and the way Lori was loving him seemed strange to him, even unhealthy, because he didn’t understand the first secret about who women are: The world of women is a world of love. To love, to be devoted, to cherish intimate relationships is our nature.
What Women Want Men to Know: Women put love first.
When I say women put love first, I don’t mean women choose to make love and relationships a priority – these things just are a priority in our awareness. We don’t choose to have our heart focused on the man we love – it just is. We don’t choose to always be thinking of ways to connect with you – we just do. We don’t decide to put love first – it just is first.
THE LOVE PIE
Here’s an easy and visual way to understand the way women feel about love and relationships. I call it the “Love Pie.”
Visualize two circles, like pies, one representing a man’s consciousness and the other representing a woman’s consciousness. Now imagine a tiny slice cut out in each circle, like a piece of the pie, perhaps one-tenth of the whole. In the man’s circle, that small slice is the percentage of his awareness that he focuses on love and intimate relationships. Everything outside of that slice, the other nine-tenths of the circle, is his awareness focused on his work, his hobbies, his projects, and other activities.
In the woman’s circle, however, it is exactly the opposite: The tiny slice of the pie is the focus of her awareness on work, hobbies, projects, and all the rest of the pie is the focus of her awareness on love, family life, and relationships!
Okay, this is probably somewhat of an exaggeration, but you get my point. Whenever I draw the Love Pie for my seminar audiences, it evokes peals of laughter from both sexes. Why? Because instinctively, we all know it’s true, and as we’ll see, it explains so many of the issues that become problems between the men and women.
Here’s an important distinction to remember: The Love Pie doesn’t symbolize how we divide our time, or how many hours we spend on love versus other activities. It depicts where our awareness is focused on the inside, no matter what we are doing on the outside. For instance, a woman may work in her own career, whether outside or inside the home, for as many hours as her husband does in his, so it’s not like she’s spending one-tenth of the time he does focusing on work, and nine-tenths of her time shopping for lingerie, writing love poems, or fantasizing about how much she adores him. But you can bet that while she is doing her job, she probably thinks more about him than he does about her, and from day to day she is more conscious of the emotional rhythms of the relationship, and more focused on wanting more connection and intimacy.
Sometimes when I share the Love Pie analogy with women, they don’t completely relate to it until I remind them that focusing on love includes focusing on their children. Single mothers can understand this: Perhaps they aren’t in an intimate relationship, but their awareness is still on love the majority of the time – the love and concern they have for their children. Even women who are married often feel the large portion of their Love Pie is more dedicated to their everyday relationship with their kids than to the relationship with their husband. Whether this is healthy or not is a whole other topic, but the point is the same: She is a woman whose awareness, thoughts, and feelings are naturally focused on putting love first.
TAKING A TRIP INTO THE MIND OF A WOMAN
I’ve always said that if men spent a day in the mind of a woman in love, they’d be shocked and amazed at how much we think about them, how aware we are of them no matter what else we are doing. There’s an exercise I sometimes give couples to help the man understand how women put love first, and to give him an experience of our Love Pie: I ask the female partner to keep a “Thought Diary” throughout a typical day, writing down each time her awareness focuses on her mate and describing the situation. Then, she shows him her list. Without exception in the couples I’ve worked with, the male partner is astonished at how often during a day the female partner thinks about him.
I wanted to give you male readers a chance to experience this, so here’s a sample from one woman’s list that she kept in relation to her boyfriend, Joseph. Melissa is an executive at a radio station and has been involved with Joseph for almost a year. I’ve actually only included half of a day’s diary – a full day would go on for pages!
Melissa’s Thought Diary
So what’s your response to Melissa’s Thought Diary? When I show this list to women, they read it and say, “Oh my gosh, that’s exactly what I do!” Perhaps the content is varied for married women or women with children, but the frequency of thought is very similar. Men, on the other hand, have a very different reaction to this list. Some think I’m playing a joke on them, that a list like this can’t be genuine. Others make comments like: “This Melissa seems pretty neurotic,” or “Sounds like she needs to get a life!” Little do these men realize that their own girlfriends or wives probably think about them as much as Melissa thinks about her boyfriend, Joseph.
For Melissa, as for many women, love is a constant theme in her awareness. It’s the biggest piece of the pie of her consciousness. That doesn’t mean she isn’t focused on her job, or on other areas of her life – actually, she has a very busy schedule and a demanding career. It just means that when she is in an intimate relationship, she sees the world through the lens of love. It’s as if she is wearing a special pair of glasses whose prescription is her love for Joseph, and her experience of life is perceived through those love glasses. A news story on TV isn’t just a news story – it becomes something she can share with her sweetheart. A song on the radio isn’t just a song – it evokes memories and special emotions that remind her of her man. Raspberries aren’t just raspberries – they are the fruit that her partner loves.
Men: Please know that this process is so natural to a woman, so much a part of her nature, that she isn’t even aware that it’s going on. In fact, when Melissa read her own Thought Diary, she herself was surprised at how often she was thinking about Joseph. Normally, these thoughts about him just float in and out of her awareness. They’re just a part of how she is when she’s involved in a relationship, a reflection of how, like so many women, she puts love first.
HOW MEN AND WOMEN LOVE DIFFERENTLY
After years of research and personal experience, I’ve concluded that love is experienced very differently by men and by women:
For most women, love is nonstop reality, a consistent awareness that never quite disappears even when we are working or performing tasks that seem to have nothing to do with love. For most men, on the other hand, the experience of love is much more compartmentalized: It is an appointment men make with a part of themselves.
Women don’t have to shift into a loving awareness – they are in it most of the time, whether it’s being expressed or not. On the contrary, most men do have to consciously choose to make a shift into love mode.
Let’s go back for a minute to Brian, my friend who thought his new girlfriend must have psychological problems. This difference we’ve been examining between men and women explains why to Brian and probably to most men, a woman’s focus on him may seem excessive. Brian can’t imagine himself focusing on the relationship as much as Lori does. If he did that, he’d have to block out the rest of his life and consciously concentrate on her. To him, this would feel unbalanced, even obsessive. So he incorrectly assumes that if this is how Lori feels about him, she must be making a huge effort to love him in this manner, and therefore, she must be unbalanced and obsessive.
Many men make this same error in judgment – they see a woman putting love first, and have a hard time relating to it. “If I was behaving that way or feeling that way,” they think to themselves, “it would mean that I didn’t have a life, that I was really needy and desperate.” Then they conclude that their partner must be needy, empty, and insecure to love that much or focus on them that consistently.
Women, however, know better. Lori isn’t making any effort at all. She’s in love, and focusing on Brian is as natural to her as breathing. She doesn’t even think about it – it just happens. It’s the same with Melissa – she isn’t trying to think about Joseph; she isn’t thinking about him because she has a problem, or no life of her own. She is thinking about him because that’s the way she loves as a woman.
The analogy of the Love Pie illustrates how men and women think about their relationship. Here’s a second analogy, one that illustrates how men and women Junction in relationships.
Imagine a man’s consciousness and a woman’s consciousness are like houses, with different rooms for the different areas our mind focuses on in our life – a “work” room; a “body room; a “recreation” room, etc. For most women, every room in the house of her consciousness is also a Love Room, even when it is dedicated to other functions. It’s as if all the space in the house of her consciousness is used for love. It’s a Love House!
For men, however, there is only one Love Room in the house of their mind. Therefore, if the man wants to put his focus on love and the relationship, he consciously has to leave the other rooms and go to his Love Room.
This analogy of the Love Room explains a phenomenon I’ve experienced so often in my own relationships, one I know other women have as well:
I’m with my partner, and I reach out to relate to him in a romantic way, but he doesn’t respond. I know he loves me, so I can’t understand why he seems a little distant. When I ask him if something is wrong, he invariably replies, “No, nothing’s wrong.” I begin to feel frustrated and uncomfortable, because I’m trying to connect with him in an emotional way, but he is not reciprocating.
What’s actually happening in this situation? I am in my Love House, which is full of Love Rooms, and I am relating to my mate in a loving, intimate way, only he is not in his Love Room! Maybe he’s in the Work Room of his mind, and is thinking about a project he needs to complete; maybe he’s in the Money Room of his mind, and is contemplating what to do about his investments; maybe he is in his Relaxing Room watching TV or surfing the Internet on his computer. Suddenly, there I am wanting to relate to him emotionally, which he translates as my wanting him to go to his Love Room, where he can be with me that way. But he doesn’t want to go to his Love Room – he’s busy in some other room of his consciousness.
Of course, if I don’t understand this concept of the Love Room, then I don’t realize that my partner is not available to me emotionally at that moment – it just feels as though he is somehow shutting me out. And here’s the most unfortunate part: Since my partner is not in his Love Room, my attempt to connect emotionally can feel to him as if I’m trying to control him, or tell him what to do.
So, when I say to my mate, “What’s wrong?” it probably feels as if I am actually saying: “Why aren’t you in your Love Room right now? Why can’t you just drop everything and go there so we can be romantic?” This explains the reactions women often get from men – ranging from amusement, mild annoyance, impatience, and irritation all the way up the scale to anger and shutting down – when we try to create an emotional or romantic moment out of the blue. We’re trying to love him; he feels like we’re trying to make him shift out of the state of awareness he is in and drag him into his Love Room!!
Recently my partner and I went on a brief vacation and had a delightful and romantic time. The morning of the day we were leaving, we felt so close, and commented on how wonderful the trip had been. A few hours later, we left for the airport to fly home. After we checked in for our flight, I noticed that my partner seemed to have become a little distant. He wasn’t responding to me in the same way as earlier in the day, and felt kind of far away.
“Is something wrong, darling?” I asked.
“No,” he replied. But something had changed and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I began to feel agitated and worried. What could be going on? I continued to ask him if he was all right during our first flight, and during our wait at the second airport for the connecting flight, and of course the more I tried to get him to talk, the farther and farther away he seemed to go. By the time we got home late that evening, things just felt awful.
The next day, everything was fine again. But I was still perplexed. What had happened during our trip home to create such an upset feeling between us?
Then, it dawned on me. When my mate and I were on vacation at the hotel, it was as if he spent the whole time in the Love Room of his consciousness. He had no work, no obligations, and gladly went to that part of himself where he could connect with me emotionally and romantically. Then we left for home, and without my realizing it, he left his Love Room and moved into his Traveling-on-a-Journey Room, in which he was focused on the logistics of dealing with taxis, airports, crowds, finding gates, etc.
I, too, was paying attention to the details of our trip and went to a more businesslike portion of my awareness. However, being a woman, I brought the Love Room consciousness with me. So there I was snuggling up to him while we waited for the plane, talking about romantic things we’d done on our vacation, trying to continue the same mood we’d shared during those few days, totally unaware that he had checked out of his Love Room hours before! No wonder I felt sort of abandoned and alone – he was no longer keeping me company in the Love Room. And no wonder he felt irritated – it appeared to him that I wasn’t acknowledging or approving of his choice to shift gears.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman tries to connect with you emotionally, she doesn’t realize you may not be in your Love Room.
WHAT MEN CAN DO:
When you notice your partner looking for you in your Love Room, and you’re not there at the moment, either make an attempt to meet her there, or gently let her know you are in a different mode.
When your woman comes knocking on the door of your Love Room, she is hoping to find you there. So when she discovers the room is empty, and you aren’t where you were, say, the hour before or the night before, she can become confused and hurt, and feel as if somehow, you’ve gone away. When you notice her looking at you sort of bewildered, and asking “What’s wrong?” remind yourself that it’s likely you’re not in your Love Room, but she’s in one of hers. She’s not trying to criticize you for where you are – she’s just trying to make a connection. (I’ll talk a lot more about this later in the book.)
Then, you have two choices:
1 You can make a quick visit to your Love Room, if that works for you, shifting into Love mode for a minute to give her a hug, or say something sweet.
2 You can let her know that you’re in a different room of your consciousness at the moment – thinking about work, concentrating on driving, trying to look something up on your computer, and that you’ll try to meet her in your Love Room a little later.
I’ve suggested this remedy to many couples, and they’ve all reported great results. One man told me recently that he and his wife developed a kind of verbal shorthand to communicate with each other about their emotional moods. When he notices her trying to connect with him emotionally, he will say “Honey, are you in your Love Room right now?” This way he can be sure of what her intention is in trying to get him to talk or be affectionate or whatever. When she answers, “Yes I am!” and he knows he’s not in that same mode, he sweetly replies, “Well, I’m not in my Love Room right now, but I appreciate you stopping by, and maybe I’ll catch you later!” That’s all she needs to hear in order to know that her husband appreciates her attempt to connect, and isn’t connecting the way she would like him to not because anything is wrong, but because he is occupied in another room of his consciousness.
In some of the chapters that follow, I’ll suggest really simple and effective techniques that can help take a man to his Love Room with very little effort.
WHY WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
Are you beginning to understand how differently men and women see themselves when it comes to love? This contrast has its source in the way we each value ourselves as a human being:
Women define and value themselves by how successfully they love and relate. Men define and value themselves by how successfully they achieve and accomplish.
How did men and women get to be this way? The reasons are sociological and cultural, going back thousands and thousands of years. Simply put, in more primitive times, a man’s value was measured by his ability to hunt and provide his family or group with food, his ability to defend himself and those he was responsible for, and his standing in the tribe or community. His success at these tasks literally meant life or death for him and those he loved. Still today, society judges men on how much money they make, how high up the ladder of success they’ve climbed, how successful they are at “hunting” as demonstrated by their house, their car, their clothing, etc.
A woman in primitive times, on the other hand, was valued for very different characteristics – her ability to take care of a man and their children, her ability to emotionally and sexually satisfy him and thereby keep him interested enough to continue providing for and protecting her, her ability to get along with him, his relatives, and the other members of the community. Her success at these tasks also had life-or-death consequences, for females who did not please men and win their favor had no way to take care of themselves and ultimately would perish.
Now it’s becoming clear why women put love first: We have done it for thousands of years. Our very survival depended on it. We have learned to maintain a continual awareness of the state of our love life, doing our best to make sure everything is okay, that there aren’t any problems we’re overlooking, that our partner is still happy with us. So when things are good in our relationship, we feel good about ourselves, and when they’re not, we feel unsettled and insecure.
This explains a secret all women know about ourselves: No matter how smoothly things are going in our professional life, or with our projects, hobbies, and interests, if there’s a problem in our intimate relationship, we’re miserable. We could be having a fantastic day at the office, but if things are bad at home, it ends up feeling like a bad day. It doesn’t even have to be a substantial problem – maybe we just had a little argument with our husband the night before – but that will be enough to make our heart ache all day long, in spite of whatever accomplishments we experience at work.
I will confess that I’ve experienced this time and time again in my own life. I could be having the most exciting day doing a TV show, promoting a new book, or giving a seminar to thousands of people, but if there’s some lack of harmony in my relationship with my partner, it’s very difficult for me to fully feel the joy of my achievements. Why? Because like many women, I define myself so strongly by the big part of my Love Pie – the content of my heart, and the state of love in my life. The truth is that all the applause or book sales or attention in the world can’t remove the sadness I feel when my mate and I aren’t as connected as I want to be.
Most men experience the opposite of this phenomenon: If things are wonderful with their love life, but they’re having a bad day at work, it is difficult for them to feel good. Why? Because men also tend to define themselves by the big part of their Love Pie – only in the case of men, it’s their achievements in their career, their accomplishments in the world, how well they think they’re measuring up to their image of who they think they should be.
One of the hardest lessons about love I have had to learn as a woman has to do with not misinterpreting a man’s behavior just because he doesn’t respond as I do. When a man doesn’t seem to want to give us as much time, attention, and focus as we think he should, our tendency is to assume that something is wrong. We think, “If I was behaving that way, it would mean that I was really angry with him, or that I didn’t care, or that he wasn’t that important to me.”
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women sometimes assume that your lack of focus on the relationship means that you don’t love us or care as much as we do.
This is why we get upset or hurt when you don’t put us first – because we want to feel you are as committed to the relationship as we are, and that you value us as much as we value you.
I agree that, as women, we need to remember that men are different, and that they don’t always show their commitment to love in the same way we do. But you can help us out a lot, guys, first by understanding why we get so disappointed, concerned, or upset when it looks to us like you don’t care, or that you’re not taking us into account, or that you’re not valuing the relationship; and second by not making us feel wrong for our emotional reactions.
HOW TO APPLY THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND WHY YOU SHOULD WANT TO
Men, I am going to be making this point over and over again throughout the book: Each time you refuse to understand why your mate is feeling upset about something, whether you realize it or not you end up causing or exacerbating the very behaviors and emotions you dislike in her! In other words, she may not start out feeling insecure – she’s just behaving in ways women do when they put love first – but your critical reaction to her behavior alarms her, and then she does begin feeling insecure.
In my years working with thousands of women, and in the research and interviews I did for the book, this information is one of the most essential things women wanted men to know.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When you don’t make an effort to understand a little bit more about why women are the way they are, you can unwittingly contribute to the very behaviors in your partner that you can’t stand!
Remember the story I presented earlier about the woman whose husband didn’t call her from his out-of-town trip? He couldn’t understand why she was so upset and accused her of being insecure for needing to speak with him. Well, the reason she was upset was simple: She was imagining herself in her husband’s situation, and she knew that if she had been the one who was out of town, and didn’t call home for almost twenty-four hours, it would have meant that she was deliberately avoiding him, and that something was terribly wrong. She would have never not checked in with him, so she concluded that his not checking in with her meant he didn’t care about her feelings.
Her husband didn’t understand this principle. He just knew that she was upset, and this made him feel a bunch of feelings he didn’t want to feel: that he’d done something wrong; that he’d somehow upset her; that she had certain expectations of him that took away his sense of being independent and free; that suddenly there was a problem between them. Rather than taking the time to understand why she might have been upset, or expressing his remorse for worrying her, he blamed her for being upset in the first place. It was as if he was saying: “You’re upset because there is something wrong with you, and not because of anything I may have done or not done.”
His wife received this message loud and clear. What was the result? It only made her feel worse, and actually created the very insecurity he accused her of The more he invalidated her feelings and attributed them to her neediness rather than to her love, the more hurt and worried she became.
Guys, this story is a perfect illustration of why I believe you should be motivated to put what you’ve read here into practice. Wouldn’t it be great to know that, by handling conversations or situations with your mate just a little differently, you could prevent many of the upsets and stressful moments that you dread in your relationship? When you try some of what I suggest in the following section, you will be amazed to see how well the woman you love responds.
Here’s a summary of what I think are the most important points to remember about everything we’ve been discussing. Men, this is the section where you can really get the bottom-line information that will help you understand and get along better with your partner. And ladies, this is the part of the chapter you want to show to your husband or boyfriend even if he hasn’t read the rest!
# 1 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to invest time and energy into our relationship.
We want to talk to our man, be with him, work on staying connected.
We want to make plans, to create special memories.
We want to do whatever we can to make the relationship close, strong and lasting.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
You think we aren’t independent enough.
You think we are too needy.
You think we are insecure.
You think we want to control you by making you give us your time and attention.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women think of love as our job.
That is why we always want to work on it, because we feel if things are not going well in our relationship, it means that somehow we have failed to do our job properly.
So when we are trying to talk to you about “us” or get you to make plans to spend time together, or when we seem to be too “into” you, it’s NOT because we are insecure or needy; it’s NOT because we are trying to control you. It’s because we are trying to create the best relationship possible. It’s because we are trying to improve and develop our most valued investment. It’s because we are doing what our heart tells us is our job – to put love first.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how much attention we put into wanting to create a wonderful relationship, rather than criticizing us for how focused we are on it.
We would love it if you let us know you value our dedication and cherish our devotion as beautiful qualities rather than thinking we are neurotic.
We would love it if, when we try to plan time with you, you remind yourself we are doing this because we love you, NOT because we’re trying to control your time.
#2 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to work on the relationship.
We want to continually improve things, to become closer and more intimate.
We want to know if there is a problem, and then we want to fix it.
We persist in trying to find out how a man is feeling when we suspect he may not be happy with us.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
You think we’re too obsessive and can’t just relax and let things be.
You think we are too emotional and reactive.
You think we’re criticizing you and saying you aren’t good enough.
You think we want to control you and tell you how to do things.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are fierce protectors of love.
Because love is so important to women, we feel a responsibility to maintain and protect it. That is why we are always evaluating our relationship to see if there are any problems lurking about, or any issues we need to deal with, so they don’t blow up into major stumbling blocks. All of the time and energy women put into trying to work on the relationship are just reflections of her commitment to love, and her commitment to you – she is investing in and attempting to protect her most valuable asset.
Women have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you “What’s wrong?” or suggest we talk about a problem, it’s NOT because we are trying to “stir things up” or ruin your peaceful evening; it’s NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It’s because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It’s because we care so much, and don’t want to lose you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how concerned we are about the state of our relationship, and how diligently we try to pinpoint and eliminate tension and problems before they become damaging.
We would love it if you would see our desire to work on the relationship as an expression of our passion for you, rather than a sign that we are obsessed with making everything perfect and that we’ll never be satisfied.
We would love it if you took the initiative to notice where the relationship could improve, and expressed a desire to work on it, rather than waiting for us to always be the one to bring up issues so we look like the “troublemaker.”
How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here’s a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you’ve learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a women puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.
HOW MEN CAN RESPOND WHEN THEY REMEMBER THAT WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend tries to make plans with you for an upcoming weekend.
INCIDENT: Your wife says she was worried when you didn’t call when you were working very late one night.
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend asks you what’s bothering you because you’ve been very quiet during dinner.
INCIDENT: Your wife gives you this book and suggests you both read it to help improve your relationship.
Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman’s behavior when she is putting love first – assumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!
DON’T EXPECT YOUR WOMAN TO LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN
To the men reading this: I know that, in spite of how hard I’ve worked here to explain that women put love first, you may still be secretly grumbling to yourself: “Why can’t a woman’s Love Pie look more like mine? Mine is much more reasonable – a little slice focused on love and the rest focused on life. This is a much more sane way to live. Why does she have to be so focused on me all the time? Why do I have to read charts about how to talk to her? Why can’t it all be much simpler?”
This complaint reminds me of an experience I had many years ago. I was in a serious relationship with a man I loved very much. We were in the middle of a difficult discussion about “us” – you know, one of those talks that makes men want to flee – and I was trying to explain why I needed him to check in with me more often, plan more time with me, and not disappear for days on end when I didn’t hear from him. He listened to my arguments silently, and then responded:
“Why can’t you focus on your own life and not think so much about me?” he asked with annoyance. “I wish you could just do your own thing, concentrate on your work, your projects and your interests, and then, if I happen to call you, you’d say casually ‘Oh hello, it’s nice to hear from you. I’ve been very busy. Well, how are you?’ Instead,” he continued, “when I call you now, you are so excited, and when I don’t call, you get upset and make it a big deal. Why can’t you just be more into yourself, and not so concerned with me?”
“In other words,” I replied sarcastically, “you wish I were a man!”
“No, I didn’t say that,” he retorted. “I just wish you weren’t so focused on love all the time.”
“Like I said,” I continued, “you wish I were a man!”
“Why do you keep repeating that? I don’t want a man – I just want you to not care so much about whether I call you or we see each other, to go ahead with your own life and if I show up, I show up.”
“I hear you,” I responded with irritation. “You wish I were a man! I keep saying that because that’s who you’re describing!”
I share this story as a response to those men who, after taking in all the information in this chapter, still might be lamenting, as Professor Henry Higgins sang in the classic Broadway musical My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” You have several choices if you really feel this way:
1. You can change your sexual preference and not have to deal with women at all. (This is probably not an option for most of you!)
2. You can find a woman who is cut off from the female part of herself and demands very little from you and from love. (This may feel comfortable for a while, but eventually, you will feel emotionally frustrated and ripped off.)
OR…
3. You can learn to understand why women are the way we are, and appreciate our nature rather than resist it.
Personally, I recommend the third option. As you’ll see throughout the rest of this book, the more you value and honor the love a woman has for you, the more she will end up giving you exactly what you want and need, offering you satisfaction and contentment in ways you couldn’t even have imagined.
Let me share a story with you about a man I knew who ended up breaking his own heart because he turned away from a woman who put love first, thinking it would be easier to be with a woman who didn’t care as much. Jonathan was in his thirties and had been living with his girlfriend, Kristen, for two years. Kristen was a bright, warm, and energetic person who adored Jonathan and wanted to spend her life with him. Although Jonathan deeply loved Kristen, he had a difficult time with how much she loved him. She was devoted, thoughtful, consistent, and definitely a woman who put love first, and it sometimes felt overwhelming to Jonathan, who thought of himself as very independent and unconventional.
I remember a conversation I had with Jonathan in which he confessed that he was craving his freedom and fantasizing about being in a less demanding relationship. “It just feels like it’s too much,” he complained.
“Jonathan,” I suggested, “I don’t think Kristen is doing anything but loving you. She’s offered you her whole heart. What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Sometimes I wish she didn’t love me as much – it would make it easier to be with her.”
I was sad but not surprised when, several months later, Jonathan called to tell me that he had broken up with Kristen. I listened silently as he described a new woman he was dating, Abby, and how much more comfortable he felt. “Abby’s really different from Kristen,” he explained. “She’s not very emotional, not needy at all, and she gives me my space.”
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as Jonathan spoke about his new girlfriend. I suspected I knew the kind of woman he was talking about – a woman who had been hurt, had closed off her heart and thus demanded very little from the men in her life. My worries were corroborated when I met Abby. She was, indeed, cold and aloof. She treated Jonathan dispassionately, although he didn’t seem to notice any of this. He sat there with his arm around her making conversation, oblivious to the fact that, although she was pleasant, she was hardly paying any special attention to him. When Abby went to the restroom, Jonathan told me that he’d never felt so relaxed or free in a relationship in his life. “Naturally,” I thought to myself, “because you’re not really in an emotional relationship.” But I said nothing.
A few months later, I received a wedding invitation from Jonathan and Abby. I wanted to warn him of what I feared would be the inevitable painful outcome of his choice, but I bit my tongue and wished them the best in my heart. I couldn’t help thinking about Kristen and how devastated she would be when she found out Jonathan was marrying someone else.
What happened to Jonathan? Unfortunately, just what I thought would happen. At first, he felt relieved to be in a relationship that put so few emotional demands on him. But as time passed, he began to feel neglected by Abby. She didn’t seem to care what he did, where he went, or what was going on inside of him. She didn’t make any efforts to spend intimate time together. She wasn’t too interested in sex, and seemed content to focus on her career, hang out with her friends, and decorate their house. Basically, she just left Jonathan alone.
Slowly, Jonathan realized that he was starving for attention and affection. He began thinking about Kristen, remembering how much in love with him she’d been, and he found himself longing to feel that loved again. When he tried to talk to Abby about his needs, she showed no interest in working out their problems, insisting that she felt everything was just fine the way it was. Finally, Jonathan accepted the inevitable – he had made a terrible mistake. He had married the wrong woman.
Jonathan called me a year later to tell me he was getting a divorce. He was depressed and lonely. He’d contacted Kristen, secretly hoping that she would take him back, and was heartbroken to find she was engaged to be married to someone else. “I blew it,” he confessed to me, his voice choked with tears. “What was I thinking? Why did I convince myself I would be better off with a woman who didn’t know how to love?”
What’s the answer? Why did Jonathan turn away from the deep love he shared with Kristen for the hands-off, dispassionate kind of relationship he had with Abby? Because it seemed easier. Because it put no demands on him. Because it supported the illusion that, if he was free to do as he pleased without having to pay attention to a woman’s needs, he would be happy. Of course, Jonathan was wrong. He made a tragic mistake that many men make – he did not value the presence of a woman in his life who put love first.
Remember, men: A woman with an open, loving, passionate heart is offering you a profound gift. She is not trying to take anything from you, but rather give you her love, her commitment, her devotion, her joy. Not all women are capable of doing this. If you have one who is, hold tightly to her and thank your lucky stars that you found her.
LEARNING TO CELEBRATE YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE
A few days ago, I sent this chapter to a female friend of mine and asked her if she would read it and give me some feedback. As soon as she was finished, she called me. “Do you know how I felt reading this?” she asked. “I felt normal. It’s not like I haven’t heard some of this information before, or that I didn’t know how important love was to me. But to have it presented in the way you did helped me become more accepting of myself, and less judgmental. The truth is that for years, I’ve beat myself up for doing what I thought was loving too much. It feels so much better to think of my loving heart as a gift, not a weakness.”
I was so gratified to hear my friend’s reaction to this information, for that has been one of my main intentions in writing this chapter, and the others to follow in this section – to help women accept and love themselves more for who they are and the powerful way in which they love.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW:
Having a tender, open heart is not a curse, but a blessing. Loving deeply and with devotion is not a mistake, but a gift. Putting love first is not a weakness, but an expression of who you are as a woman.
It is difficult to always remember this when we spend our lives defending how we love to men, and when we are constantly told that something is wrong with us for giving so much of ourselves in a relationship. I’ve struggled with this dilemma myself ever since I can remember, wondering if I wouldn’t somehow be better off if my heart was less open. I remember going to see a psychic once and complaining about how deeply I loved, and how much I felt. She looked at me and said, “Barbara, you worked hard for lifetimes to learn how to love this much. Don’t apologize for it. It’s a reward. You’ve earned it.”
This wise woman’s words shot through me like a bolt of lightning. I knew instinctively that what she was telling me was true. My ability to love so completely was indeed a blessing. Over the years, I’ve had to continually remind myself that putting love first is not a “problem” I have, or an unhealthy habit I need to get rid of – it is the way I am as a woman. When I am putting love first, I am surrendering to my most essential and joyous nature.
I believe that when we as women learn to celebrate our ability to love deeply, and to honor ourselves for our beautiful, abundant hearts, we will make it easier for the men in our lives to do the same.
Perhaps you’re a woman reading this chapter and having a different experience from that of my friend. Perhaps you’re thinking that the information doesn’t completely apply to you, because your heart doesn’t feel as loving as you think it should. Sometimes life’s painful experiences can cause a woman to shut down her heart, to vow never to put love first again.
If you grew up in an emotionally cold family, for instance, you may have made an unconscious decision as a young girl that it wasn’t safe to share your love and open yourself to intimacy. A painful childhood can put a damper on a woman’s inherent tendency to love deeply. The love is there, but you just don’t allow yourself to let it flow.
Sometimes it’s what happens to us as an adult that drives us to turn away from loving. An emotionally damaging relationship with a man can leave a woman feeling wounded and closed off. Often women who’ve been hurt will consciously take their focus off of love, and put it exclusively on work and career, hoping to avoid more pain. Their Love Pie may look more like a traditional male’s, with very little conscious focus on relationships. This “love reversal” is a form of protection. It’s as if we unconsciously decide to become more cold and unfeeling – like the people who’ve hurt us.
Whenever I work with women who have wounded hearts, I discover that deep inside, their longing for intimacy and connection is just as powerful as ever – its the willingness to seek it out that has changed. So perhaps you might say that for these women, their outer Love Pie looks more like a man’s, but their “inner” Love Pie is still more traditionally female.
Perhaps you’ve had times in your life when you’ve been that wounded woman. Perhaps you’re still there and are struggling to break free of those emotional chains and love again. I hope that the information I’ve presented will help you begin to heal your judgments about yourself, to love and accept yourself the way you are, and cherish the gift of your beautiful heart.
If you are a man who has loved or does love a wounded woman, know that what you’ll learn from this book will help you to help her learn to trust her own love again. The more you let her know what a gift her love is to you, the more she will begin to value herself as a woman.
I couldn’t resist the last example!
2 WOMEN ARE CREATORS (#ulink_2549f817-764b-58ec-b404-f67444d0a263)
Why do women always want to make things better?Why do we feel compelled to talk about the problemsin our relationship with our partner?Why do we feel the need to help when we see theman we love going through a hard time?Why do we so enjoy making plans?Why do we work so hard to ensure harmonywith our lover?
In this chapter, I’m going to share with you a second secret about who women are that’s the motivation for so much of how we behave in relationships. It is one of the most beautiful qualities women possess, one that is such an integral part of our psyche that we don’t even think about it. And it’s the answer to all of the above questions.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are creators.
It is a woman’s nature to create. Women are life-givers. This is our mystery and our magic – we have the power to bring forth something out of nothing.
This ability to give birth to life is most obvious when we become mothers and bring a child into the world. But whether or not we have children, as women we are always giving birth: always creating something where nothing existed before, if not with our bodies, then with our words, our actions, our love. We do this when we give birth to a delicious meal for our family, or a party for a friend, or a bedtime story for our child, or a more effective way to market our company’s product, or an intimate conversation with our partner, or a display of flowers in a vase.
As creators, women are also alchemists; we change the form of things. We transmute the ordinary into the beautiful, the empty into the meaningful, that which was struggling into that which suddenly flourishes. We rarely encounter things that we do not feel inspired or at least tempted to improve upon, whether it’s the way a room is decorated or the way a friend is handling a problem in her relationship, the way we are wearing our hair or the way we have organized our jewelry in a drawer, the way our partner set the table for dinner or the way the two of us are communicating.
Women reading these words will feel a throb of recognition in their hearts. “Yes,” a voice within you says, “I know this to be true.” And for most women, it is. Yet our nature to create is so much a part of us, we rarely think about it or acknowledge it for what it is. We just do it. For instance:
When you first moved in, your empty house or apartment looked like nothing. But as you walked through the rooms, you thought, “I know just what to do to make it beautiful. I’m going to paint the walls a very pale peach; I’ll put my couch over here and my chairs over here; I’ll get a rug that will brighten up the floor; I’ll arrange my plants in these two corners.” And before long, it looked fantastic. Where there was nothing, you created a warm and inviting home. And it was the most natural thing in the world for you to do.
Your little girl comes to you and says, “Mommy, I need a costume for school tomorrow.” You have nothing ready-made, but you go through the house and gather up some colorful scarves, fabric leftovers, ribbons, old costume jewelry, and other odds and ends, and within a few hours, you’ve created a fabulous gypsy costume for your delighted daughter. Out of nothing, you gave birth to something.
It’s Saturday morning, and your husband is sleeping late, exhausted from a difficult week of work. He seemed depressed last night, and it frustrates you to see him so down. You sit at the kitchen table drinking your coffee, and suddenly, a plan emerges in your mind. Quickly, you begin to put it into action. You prepare his favorite breakfast; you look through the paper and find an ad for the Electronics Expo that’s in town for the weekend; you make a reservation at a restaurant he loves for dinner that evening, and call his best friend and his wife, inviting them to join you. By the time he wakes up, you greet him with delicious pancakes, plans to go to the Expo, and dinner reservations with people he really enjoys. He is thrilled. You transformed what probably would have been a depressing day into a string of fun-filled events that will cheer him up and give him a chance to unwind.
All of the above scenarios sound lovely, and harmless enough, don’t they? How, then, could a woman’s creative expression be a problem in her relationship with a man? Read on to learn how women create, yet why it’s easy for a man to misinterpret and misunderstand a woman’s creative instincts.
HOW WOMEN CREATE, AND WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW
1. Manifesting
Manifesting means creating what wasn’t there before. Women love to manifest. The very act of starting with nothing and ending up with something thrills us in a deep pan of our being.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women like to manifest beauty, celebration, connection, and love that did not exist before. When we do this, we feel a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose.
This joy we experience in manifesting expresses itself in big and small ways every day:
We hear that a friend is coming to town and quickly create an impromptu party around her visit.
We find ourselves with a weekend free of obligations and plan a last-minute excursion to the country for ourselves and the man we love.
We share some of our deep feelings with our partner while walking in the park, and all at once what was just a stroll transforms into a sweet experience of intimacy.
We buy a little table, place some pictures on it, and turn what was an empty corner of a room into an attractive area.
We receive a necklace as a gift, and build our whole outfit around it when we get dressed for work the next day.
We overhear our husband mention to a friend a computer game he’s interested in, and when he’s at work that day, we search the Internet until we find the product and order it for him as a surprise.
When women manifest, they can create a special moment, an experience for others to share, an improvement in the environment, something beautiful to look at, or something that brings another person joy.
Another way women manifest is in creating and re-creating ourselves. All you need to do for proof of this is to walk into any major department store and look around at the cosmetics department. There before you are dozens upon dozens of counters, each displaying hundreds of shades of eye shadow and lipstick, powder and blush, along with innumerable bottles of perfume, body lotion, and every other potion you could imagine. In front of those counters are hundreds of women trying on makeup, testing new scents, and enjoying themselves immensely. Men imagine this scene and roll their eyes, perhaps concluding that women are vain or superficial. But what’s happening in this store isn’t vanity – it’s creativity. It is women creating a look, an image, using their own face as a canvas as they become the artist.
It is the same with clothing, or jewelry, or any of the other ways women adorn our bodies – these female pastimes are all means for the female creative urge to express itself. This is why so many women love to shop, even when we don’t buy anything – we are doing research for our next creative undertaking!
These are things we and other women understand, but have a difficult time explaining to men. Why, for instance, do we need new makeup when we already own a drawerful of it? And must we really have so many different shades of lipstick? I mean, how many kinds of red are there? Women know the answers to these questions, of course: There are many kinds of red, and yes, they are all different, and yes, we need new makeup once in a while, just as an artist needs new paints and brushes.
Last week I decided to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure in a little beauty salon down the street from my house. I sat there in a chair watching all the other female customers and concluded that this salon was a hotbed of female creativity, a perfect example of what I’ve written about in this section of the book. Each woman who came in took time to carefully look over the hundreds of bottles of polish, seriously examining this one and that one before she chose the color that would be applied to her fingernails or toenails. Not just any red would do this week – it had to be a blue-red, as opposed to a fire engine red, or a coral red. Or maybe since last week it was red, this week it would be a dark chocolate color. Or for fun, icy blue! The nails had to be shaped just so, perhaps square or oval or round – each woman definitely had her preference. Any man who ever thought women were wishy-washy or indecisive should come to a beauty salon, where after witnessing the precision with which women choose their nail polish color and shape, he would change his mind forever!
What is it that a woman is actually doing in the beauty salon? She is turning her hands and feet into a work of art, decorating them for the enjoyment of herself and the man who might happen to have the good fortune to gaze upon her shimmering toenails. She is taking a few moments out of her busy day to express her creativity by choosing that hot pink polish. She is manifesting: Where there once were dull, boring toes, now there are exciting, sexy toes!
WHY WOMEN LOVE TO FILL A SPACE AND MAKE PLANS
One morning while Kim and her husband are having breakfast, she decides to discuss the schedule for a weekend coming up the following month.
“Listen, Eric, I wanted to remind you that Aimee is going to be on a trip with her school on the weekend after Easter, and since we have those days all to ourselves, I thought we should plan something special.”
“That’s weeks away” Eric responds casually, going back to reading his paper. “Let’s talk about it later.”
“But darling,” she replies, trying again, “it’s so rare that we have time together alone, and I just felt the sooner we discussed it, the more options we would have for doing something really terrific.”
“Why do we have to talk about it now? I don’t even know what I’ll be in the mood to do tomorrow, let alone next month. Besides, I don’t see what the rush is.”
“Well, I just don’t like not knowing what we’re going to do that weekend,” Kim explains. “Can’t you just focus on it for five minutes with me?”
Eric grabs his paper and gets up from the table. “I can’t do this now, Kim,” he says in a tense voice. “I really can’t.” And he leaves the room.
Kim sits staring at her calendar, feeling hurt and disappointed. The empty squares marking that weekend stare back at her.
Men and women have very different reactions to this story when I share it with them at my seminars. The men make comments like:
“Boy, can I relate to this. My wife tries to get me to plan every second of my free time, and I hate it I think she gets a kick out of locking me into a schedule.”
“The woman is trying to control her husband’s time, to pin him down so she can be in charge.”
“Kim is obviously insecure and high strung. Why else would she need to have every little detail of her life figured out in advance?”
The women, on the other hand, make these kinds of comments:
“I could scream, hearing this story. I go through this with my boyfriend all the time. He refuses to make plans, so I never have anything to look forward to.”
“Eric is a typical man. What is their problem with planning ahead? It just sets up his wife to look like a nag when she brings it up the next time.”
“This is one of my biggest complains about men – that they just seem oblivious to what’s happening around them. Doesn’t he realize that it takes time to plan special experiences? Kim’s just trying to be a good wife, and he isn’t respecting her at all.”
What do the women see in this scenario that the men are missing? They understand what Kim is doing, because it is something all women do. They know she is doing much more than trying to make plans, or get her schedule sorted out – Kim is filing the space.
Filling the space is what women do when we see an empty table, and think about what we could put on it to make it look better; it’s what we do when there is an awkward silence in a conversation and we invent something clever to say to help break the ice; it’s what we do when we see a vacation is coming up, and we start fantasizing about where we could go with our lover.
This term describes one of the ways women express their desire to create – we like to fill up what is empty. Women’s creative force is stimulated by emptiness. It is as if when we see something that is empty or blank, we feel the need to fill it, to manifest something in that space so that it becomes occupied with life, with beauty, with love.
What is it about emptiness, whether in a space or a conversation or a calendar, that urges a woman’s creativity into action? Is it because in the sexual act, we feel the primal urge to fill the physical space inside ourselves with a man? Or is it something in our genetic makeup as life-givers that makes an empty space too tempting? Whatever the cause, one thing is certain – women like filling space with our energy.
One of the most common ways women fill the space is by making plans. We love to plan. We love to take what was a blank space in the future and turn it into something exciting and meaningful. We don’t do this, as some men conclude, out of insecurity or a need to control our partner’s time. We plan because it is a way for us to honor time, as we will see in Chapter 3, and because when we plan, we give our creative power a wonderful outlet in which to express itself.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women love making plans because it allows us to fill up an empty space in time with our love, our passion, and our creativity.
I don’t think men realize the joy women take in planning, especially when it involves their intimate relationship. That’s because for most men, planning is not an emotional activity as it is for most women. When a man plans, he is doing a task, figuring out the details. He is getting something off his to-do list, and then he moves on to the next thing. When women plan, however, it is an act of love. Whether it’s a party, an evening out, a vacation, or a special dinner, the process of planning becomes a channel through which a woman’s devotion can flow. It is as creative an act for her as painting a picture or composing a song. She is giving birth to an event, a happening, an opportunity for relaxation or romance or recreation. And this makes her very happy.
2. Improving
Improving is the second way a woman’s creative nature expresses itself. What’s the difference between manifesting and improving? Manifesting is creating from scratch: birthing something out of nothing. Improving, on the other hand, is taking something that already exists and making it better. It is rebirthing.
The urge to improve is so much a part of most women’s character that we’re not even aware of its almost omnipresent existence in our speech, behavior, and attitude toward others. We accept it in ourselves, just as we accept it in other women. It is just the way we are.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women see the potential in everything, and we want to help that potential grow. That is why we like to improve things.
The desire to improve what is within us and around us is really the act of seeing the potential in things, the possibility hidden beneath the surface, and doing what we can to help that potential manifest. Women seem to possess this kind of vision that sees the flower waiting to erupt from the seed, and also the tendency to nurture that seed until it blossoms. Perhaps this vision of potentiality is so strong in us because we are genetically designed to be mothers, to nurture what is small so that it can grow. We exercise this part of ourselves in big and small ways every day:
A coworker in your office shows you the new scarf her boyfriend just bought her. “Isn’t this lovely?” she says. “Tom gave it to me.”
“It’s gorgeous,” you reply. “What a great color for you.” Then, without even thinking, you add, “Here, let me just pull this part a bit tighter and tuck in these ends. Now it looks perfect. What do you think?”
Your friend looks in the mirror, and replies, “You’re right – it does look better. Thanks!” It was totally natural for you to want to improve upon the way she had tied the scarf. You saw a way it could be better. And she intuitively understood this, and welcomed your input.
Your sister invites you over to see her new couch and love seat. “What do you think?” she asks as you enter the living room. You stand back and assess the room, noticing how the furniture looks where it is, and then visualizing how it might look if it were rearranged.
“Have you thought about trying to switch the two pieces?” you suggest. “That way, you’ll have more space between the couch and the bookshelf.”
Your sister doesn’t hesitate for a moment. “Let’s try it and see how it looks,” she replies. The two of you slide the furniture around until it is arranged in a different configuration.
“What do you think?” you ask her, trying to catch your breath.
“You know, I like it better!” she says enthusiastically. “It isn’t so cluttered. I knew I needed your opinion. I’d lost perspective since I live here all the time.”
When you looked at your sister’s living room, your eye naturally noticed a way the furniture could look better. You didn’t try to scrutinize it – you just spontaneously saw how it could be improved.
You and a close friend who owns her own business are having lunch, and for the third time that week she’s complaining about one of her employees who’s not managing his department well. “I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your friend says, shaking her head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”
“Have you talked to him?” you ask.
“I’ve tried,” your friend replies with frustration, “but I just don’t seem to be getting through to him, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”
You ask your friend to replay her conversations with Louis for you, and as you listen, you get a sense of what the problem might be.
“You know, it sounds to me like you’ve been telling Louis what you’re unhappy with, but perhaps not asking enough questions about what’s going on with him. I mean, maybe he’s getting a divorce; maybe he has some family problem, or health concern that you don’t know about. What if you asked him what he thinks the problem might be?”
“That’s something I hadn’t thought of,” your friend admits. “I guess I was just hoping the problem would go away after my first warning to him, but obviously it hasn’t. Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to talk to him as soon as I get back to the office.”
As you heard your friend lament over her office problem, your mind instantly began searching for a solution. You weren’t trying to tell her what to do – you simply saw a way she might handle things differently and you wanted to help.
Ladies, I’ll bet most of you can relate to all three of these examples. They illustrate how this tendency to improve is such an integral part of our consciousness. Notice that in the three stories, each of the women were grateful for the input they received. Why? Other women understand and accept this quality, the desire to improve, for it is who they are as well.
Now for a contrast, imagine the first two scenarios enacted by two men instead of two women:
The new item of clothing: First of all, a guy wouldn’t show off the new tie his girlfriend bought him to his male coworker. Second, the coworker wouldn’t comment that the tie needed to be straightened, let alone just reach out and do it. And third, if he did, the guy with the tie would feel like his boundaries had been violated, not to mention probably make assumptions, correct or not, about his coworker’s sexual preference.
The furniture: A man wouldn’t ask the opinion of his friend or relative about how his furniture was arranged, let alone care that much one way or the other himself. If he was asked, the brother would probably just look at the couch and love seat and say, “Nice,” and that would be that. Finally, if he did offer to rearrange things just to see how they looked, his brother who owned the house would probably say, “I don’t want to deal with it right now. Let’s go watch the game on TV.”
What’s my point? It’s that men don’t have this nonstop creative urge to improve things. Not only that, they actually interpret offers of help or advice as unnecessary, unwelcome, and intrusive.
Take the last story, for instance, and this time, imagine that instead of two friends having lunch, it’s a husband with the employee problem having a meal with his wife. Let’s replay the conversation as it would probably unfold:
“I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your husband says, shaking his head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately, he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”
“Have you talked to him?” you ask.
“I’ve tried,” your husband replies with frustration. “But I just don’t seem to be making any headway, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”
“Why don’t you tell me about your conversations with Louis, and maybe I can help figure out a better way to get through to him,” you suggest.
“It’s no big deal. I’ll figure something out,” your husband answers.
“But I have some ideas about what might be happening,” you explain, “and I really think we could come up with a solution if we discussed it. After all, honey, it’s been bothering you all week.”
“Look, I can handle it myself, okay? I don’t want to get into a big discussion about it right now,” he says in a tense voice. “I’m sorry you don’t approve of the way I’m dealing with it. Let’s just change the subject.” Ouch. This conversation certainly had a different ending than the one between the two girlfriends. What happened? The woman’s husband misinterpreted her desire to help him improve a situation he was dealing with as criticism and control, rather than seeing it as an expression of her love and concern for him.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman wants to improve something, whether in her environment or her relationship, it isn’t because she disapproves of it – it’s because she sees the potential for making it better.
Women are natural fixers, natural healers, natural helpers. We are always on the lookout for whatever or whoever needs assistance. If we hear just a little change of tone in our baby’s cry while she’s in her crib, we quickly go in to check and make sure she’s all right. If we see a woman in a store struggling to zip up the back of her dress, we volunteer to help. If we know a friend is going through a difficult time, we call just to see if she needs anything. If we sense our lover is having a rough day, we ask him what’s wrong, and if there’s anything we can do.
Again, perhaps it is because we are genetically designed to be mothers that we have such an elaborate system of built-in radar that detects need in others. Over and over again in my interviews with women for this book, they asked me to explain this to men: When a woman is trying to help or improve something in her relationship with you, she isn’t doing it out of a desire to criticize or make you feel wrong – she’s doing it out of love, and with a vision of the potential for something even greater to blossom between you.
WHY MEN FEEL CONTROLLED WHEN WOMEN’S CREATIVE ENERGY FLOWS
I believe that, at times, men love the part of a woman that is a “manifester” and “improver,” but they can also fear and mistrust it. There is a force to that expression of a woman’s nature that often makes men uncomfortable, like gazing upon a rushing body of water that can’t be stopped as it moves forward. They know they are witnessing something intense, something powerful, and something that appears, at times, almost relentless in its mission to manifest a particular outcome. And in a way, they are right – for when a woman is in a creative mode, she is tapping into the primordial life force that reverberates deep inside of her Whether she is conscious of this or not, she is, in that moment, a channel for what the Eastern mystics call the shakti, the life-giving principle, the creative power that is responsible for every form of manifestation.
Here’s an important point I want to share with you: The intensity of the creative life force manifesting itself in a woman’s behavior or intention can mistakenly appear aggressive, domineering, and controlling to a man.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
A woman’s tendency to create or improve can be misinterpreted by men as tendency to control.
Men, a woman could be expressing her tendency to manifest or improve by planning a trip for the two of you, redecorating the bedroom, attempting to offer her suggestions for a problem you’ve been having with a coworker, proposing you both go to a therapist to work on your relationship, or asking you what you’d like for dinner – it often doesn’t matter what her specific behavior is – and somehow you end up feeling as if she is trying to control you, to get you to do things her way.
Let me share a story from my past that perfectly illustrates this point:
Many years ago when I was in one of my first serious relationships, my partner and I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean – neither of us had been there before and we agreed that we would treat ourselves and go. I asked him if he wanted to make the arrangements, and he suggested I go ahead and look into it. Our vacation was approaching in only four months, so I thought I’d better get started on the plans right away.
The next day I went to the bookstore and bought several guidebooks for the Caribbean islands. I began researching all of the different places we could stay, called the 800 numbers to order free brochures from various hotels, and got in touch with some friends who’d taken several trips to a number of islands to ask their opinion of the best places to visit. Within days, I had pages of data about every aspect of our upcoming journey.
One evening later that week, I enthusiastically showed my partner all the information I’d discovered, explaining in detail which hotels in our budget seemed best, which islands had the most features suited to our taste, and what airlines offered the most convenient and economical flights. I sat there bursting with excitement as I shared the results of my vacation project, and couldn’t wait to see my mate’s reaction, for I was certain he’d be so pleased with me and the thorough job I’d done.
You can imagine my surprise, therefore, when I finished my presentation and looked at my partner, only to discover that he had a horribly cold look on his face.
“Is something wrong?” I asked him. He didn’t respond; he just kept looking at me with that same uncomfortable stare.
“Didn’t you like the places I showed you?” I probed.
“They were fine,” he finally said in a flat voice, breaking the icy silence.
“But what’s the matter?” I pleaded. “Why do you look like you’re mad at me?”
“It’s just the way you did all of this,” he said in a sharp tone. “Why did you even bother telling me about it? I mean, it looks like you’ve already made up your mind about where you want to go and what you like best. Since it’s your plan, there’s really nothing for me to say.”
My plan? What was he talking about? It was our vacation. All I did was do the research. I couldn’t understand why he was so upset with me.
“But I thought you told me to go ahead and look into this,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d make it into a full-time job,” he retorted sarcastically. “As usual, you’re taking control and doing things your way.”
Tears began to fill my eyes, and trickle down my cheeks. “I wasn’t trying to take control,” I insisted, my voice trembling with emotion. “I was just trying to plan a wonderful vacation. And now you’ve ruined it!”
I forget how the conversation ended, but I remember exactly how I felt: I was shocked, confused, and very hurt. How could he interpret my trying to create the perfect vacation as controlling? My only intention had been to make him happy, and to get information that would help us make the best decisions. What had gone wrong?
Many years have passed since this incident, but I’ve experienced others like it over and over again, and heard countless stories from women about similar circumstances – she is happily in her creative mode, focused on a plan or project or purpose for herself and her partner, and he reacts with irritation, annoyance, or even anger. She ends up feeling hurt and unappreciated. He ends up feeling controlled and manipulated.
Why do men interpret a woman’s creative focus as an attempt to control them? The answer is complicated, but in part it has to do with a man’s need to feel autonomous, and his habit of rebelling when he feels he is being told what to do. (See Chapter 8 for more on this.) For instance, in the story about my boyfriend and the Caribbean trip, my thorough and passionate presentation of the travel information unconsciously made him feel as though he had no choice, as if I was announcing, “This is what we are doing.” Of course, that was not my intention at all; my theory is that he interpreted the intensity and detail of my communication almost as a command.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman plans or suggests something for your relationship, she is not trying to control you – she is trying to contribute, to create more love and happiness.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
Men often mistake a woman’s creative enthusiasm for domination, and the intensity of her passion for a direct order.
Remember: In most cases, a woman’s true intention really isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to share her input and offer her creative contribution, whether by planning a vacation or finding you a new doctor or suggesting she redecorate the living room, or asking that you spend some time together to talk about issues in your relationship.
Don’t mistake the intensity of her creative energy for a dominant attitude. Usually she’s not being aggressive – she’s just being enthusiastic. She’s not being controlling – she’s being caring.
WHAT MEN CAN DO:
1. When you find yourself feeling controlled by the woman in your life, ask yourself:
“What is her true intention in doing this?”
This is a powerful question that can snap you out of the unconscious reflex of concluding that she is controlling you. If you take the time to ask this question, you’ll probably discover the true answer within your own heart:
“She is doing this because she loves me.”
“She wants to manifest something wonderful or make something better, or plan something delightful, but her intention is not to control me.”
Note: I’m not saying there aren’t angry, controlling women out there. But I’ve found that much of the time when a man who’s in a pretty good relationship feels controlled, he’s misinterpreting his woman’s behavior in the ways you’ve been reading about.
2. Practice recognizing the things she does as expressions of her creative nature, rather than reacting to them in the old critical way.
HOW A WOMAN’S CREATIVE NATURE CAN BACKFIRE
The propensity to create something out of nothing is a woman’s blessing, but it can also be our curse. It is a blessing when we are inspired to decorate an empty house and turn it into a home, or create a costume for our child from scratch, or manifest a romantic evening for our mate. But it is a problem when we create an emotional problem where there really wasn’t any. Here are some examples I know every woman will relate to:
Your husband has a funny look on his face when he leaves the house, and you can’t get it out of your mind. All day long, you create scenario after scenario about what might be wrong, and by the time he comes home you are sure he wants a divorce and just hasn’t told you yet. Later, he tells you that he had a terrible case of indigestion.
You call your boyfriend at work to check on your plans together for the evening. He sounds distant, and not very excited about seeing you. When you get off the phone, you begin to worry. Maybe he’s feeling too cramped in the relationship, stifled because you’re spending so much time together. Maybe he’s trying to tell you that he wants to slow things down. When he comes over to pick you up for dinner, you are a nervous wreck. However, he is sweet and loving, as if everything is fine. Over your meal he tells you that he’d just come out of a very tense staff meeting when you called and had someone waiting in his office to speak with him about it.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
A woman’s habit of creating can sometimes work against us as we create unnecessary worry, insecurity, or fear about our relationship.
We admit it, guys: Women know we do this, and believe me, we don’t like this part of ourselves. So while we try to work on it (and that’s in another book!), we’d appreciate it if you can remember that when we get too creative and imagine things that aren’t there, you can help prevent a negative emotional spiral by telling us what’s going on with you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
When you realize we look or sound upset and you have no idea why, ASK US WHAT’S WRONG. This gives us an opportunity to tell you what we think is happening, so if we are mistaken, you can correct it, and we can avoid being upset over nothing.
If you notice in a particular moment that you aren’t feeling well, or are stressed or worried, try to let us know. You don’t have to go into details, but just informing us that you are anxious for some reason that has nothing to do with us, will allow us not to jump to the wrong conclusion and create a problem where there isn’t any.
I know that putting these suggestions into practice may feel unnatural at first, guys, but believe me, you will like the results: Your woman will be calmer, less emotionally reactive for no reason, and much more fun to be around.
3 WOMEN HAVE A SACRED RELATIONSHIP WITH TIME (#ulink_7d3bf672-f7c2-56b3-acd9-5ea7429379cc)
To really understand the nature of a woman, you have to understand the nature of her relationship with time. Learning how a woman experiences time, thinks about time, and makes decisions about time will teach you the secrets of her mind and heart. This is something you’ve probably never thought of before. Frankly, I hadn’t either until I began doing the research for this book. But as I interviewed women and collected questionnaires they’d filled out for me, a pattern began to emerge: Over and over again, what these women wanted men to know had something to do with time.
The more I thought about this, the more I realized that, indeed, issues about time are often at the very center of our love life. If you examine the disagreements, conflicts and areas of tension in your intimate relationship, you’ll discover, perhaps to your surprise, that many of them have to do with time. Here are some examples:
Conflicts over giving time:
Disagreeing about how much time you spend together
Disagreeing about how much intimate time is enough or too much
Disagreeing about staying in touch – phone calls, checking in, etc.
Wanting to spend time apart
Not understanding the importance of sharing special time
Promising time to someone or something else when your partner expected you to give her your time instead
Conflicts over remembering time:
Forgetting to perform promised tasks, such as making a reservation or passing on a message
Forgetting to ask how an important event in time turned out, like how her doctor’s appointment went or what happened at your child’s school meeting
Forgetting to inform her of something that affects the future, such as the fact that you’ll be out of town on the weekend of the big church social
Conflicts over respecting time:
Being late
Procrastinating about doing things you say you will do
Diminishing the significance of an event a woman thinks is important
Conflicts over planning time:
Waiting until the last minute to make plans
Criticizing your partner for wanting to plan in advance
Conflicts over celebrating time:
Disagreeing about how to celebrate special occasions
Disagreeing about what constitutes a special occasion
Forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Are you as amazed reading this list as I was? I’d never realized how many conflicts over time couples get into. However, once I thought back over my own relationships, I could see that time issues were often indeed the source of many disagreements. Getting this feedback from women made me decide to talk about time early on in this book.
Men and women have very different ways of relating to time, and these differences create continual misunderstandings between us that are the cause of ongoing conflict in our relationship.
To women, time is not simply something that passes, or a way to measure our experience of living. Time is something we are very intimate with, and therefore something we honor and hold sacred.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women have a sacred relationship with time
Why is this true for women? It is not something we are taught, or even something we are conscious of. Like our nature to put love first and to create, having a special and sacred relationship with time is part of who we are.
This intimate relationship with time is programmed into a woman’s biology. At this most fundamental level of our existence, women are intimately aware of the cycles of time in a way men are not, for our body cycles in a monthly rhythm. From the moment we begin menstruating as young girls, we become conscious of each day, each week that passes, waiting for another cycle to begin. This is where we first learn our habit of counting, and we never stop. The counting and watching of time continues through other cycles in different phases of our lives: when we are pregnant, as we count the months until our baby is born; when we have a child, and count the hours between feedings, and then later, the time between doctor’s visits, meals, and baths.
Let’s look at several ways a woman’s relationship with time manifests itself in her behavior, and how men often misinterpret or misunderstand this behavior:
1. Women are natural timekeepers.
Women like to keep track of time. Ask us how long it’s been since our daughter’s last dental checkup, or since our dog’s last bath, or since we spoke on the phone to our mother, or since we had our hair cut, or since we made love with our husband, and we will tell you. Accurately. Men are always astonished at our ability to do this, and often become quite annoyed with us, particularly when we correct them.
“You know, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time,” a woman says to her husband. “I’d love to go out Friday night if we can get a baby-sitter.”
“What do you mean – we just went to the movies. Wasn’t it a few weeks ago?”
“No,” she replies with certainty, “it wasn’t a few weeks ago; it was more like two months ago! I remember exactly when we went, because it was right after my parents were here for my cousin’s wedding.”
“Whatever,” he grumbles. Of course, now that she explains it, he knows she is right. But he’s still irritated with her for remembering so precisely!
This penchant women have for accurately chronicling time manifests itself in many ways:
Women keep track of tasks men don’t want to be reminded of.
“You haven’t called your mother in three weeks.”
“It’s been a month since you mowed the lawn.”
“You were supposed to drop off that package for your brother five days ago.”
Women keep track of how accurately men keep promises about time.
“You said we’d talk this weekend about possibly re-landscaping the front yard next spring, but it’s Sunday night and we still haven’t discussed it.”
“Where have you been? You told me you’d get home by six so we’d have time to eat before going to the play, and it’s almost seven!”
“You promised you’d call me when you got to your hotel, but I didn’t hear from you until late last night.”
Women keep track of romantic and intimate time.
“It’s been months since the last time we talked about our relationship and where we’re going in terms of commitment for the future.”
“We haven’t taken the time to really make love when it wasn’t just a quickie for five weeks now.”
“The only time you give me a romantic card is once a year on our anniversary.”
Women are conscious of rhythms and patterns in time.
I’ve noticed that because women pay more attention to time in general, we see rhythms and patterns that men may not recognize. We notice how certain behaviors or experiences repeat themselves over and over again. Men, on the other hand, often don’t connect these events to one another within the context of time.
For instance:
It’s a Friday night, and your boyfriend, Robert, is spending the evening with his old college roommate, Frank. You’ve been dreading this for months – actually, since the last time Robert and Frank got together – because whenever your boyfriend hangs around with Frank, the two of you end up in a fight afterward. This has happened over and over again, and you’re hoping by some miracle that tonight will be different.
It’s almost two in the morning when Robert arrives back at the apartment. “Hi, honey,” you say as he walks into the bedroom. “You guys must have had a good time – you stayed out late, didn’t you?”
“Were you watching the clock or something?” Robert responds.
Here he goes, you groan to yourself. It’s happening again. “No, I wasn’t watching the clock. I was just commenting on the time,” you say in as sweet a voice as possible.
“Well, I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself,” Robert snaps.
“You know, Robert, you don’t have to talk to me in that tone. Why are you picking a fight with me? Every time you go out with Frank, you come home like this – feeling mad at the world.”
“I do not,” Robert insists. “You’re just pissed off that I stayed out late.”
“No,” you reply strongly, “I’m not pissed off that you stayed out late. I’m pissed off that every time you are with Frank, you are in an angry, defiant mood for days. In fact, the last four times you’ve been with him, we’ve had a fight when you got home.”
“What are you, the CIA?” your boyfriend says angrily.
I have heard so many versions of this kind of dynamic between a man and a woman, when she recognizes a pattern of cause and effect that repeats itself over time and he just doesn’t see it:
A man doesn’t notice that he gets depressed for days every time he talks to his ex-wife on the phone. When his girlfriend tries to point this out, he blames her for being jealous.
A father isn’t aware that whenever his little boy goes to a certain friend’s house to play, he comes home and behaves aggressively. When his wife tries to discuss this, he tells her “boys will be boys,” and that she’s just being too protective.
A man doesn’t realize that every year around the time of the anniversary of his father’s death, he becomes despondent and withdrawn. When his wife suggests there may be a correlation, he insists she overanalyzes everything and is making something out of nothing.
HOW MEN MISUNDERSTAND THIS
When women appear to be counting or chronicling time, men often misinterpret our intention: You conclude that we are picky, finicky, neurotic, and bossy. The result is that you end up feeling controlled, commanded, scolded, and spied upon.
When men react this way to our focus on time, women feel hurt and misunderstood. “I was only trying to be helpful,” we think sadly. And that is the truth, guys. We’re not trying to control you or act like your mother, even though it may appear that way – we just think we’re doing our job, in the same way we keep track of when the kids last ate, or when the laundry needs to be done, or when the mortgage is due.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women keep track of time because we are trying to be helpful, not because we are trying to be controlling.
More accurately women keep track of time and its rhythms because that is just the way we have been designed. We don’t really even think about it.
2. Women experience time differently from men.
Your boyfriend lives in another part of the country, so you rely heavily on the phone to stay connected. Several days have passed, and you haven’t heard from him. Finally, he calls.
“Where have you been?” you ask.
“What do you mean?” your boyfriend responds.
“You haven’t called me,” you explain in an agitated voice.
“We just talked Friday,” he responds defiantly.
“That’s what I mean – it’s been three whole days!”
“I don’t get it,” he says. “It’s only been three days. What’s the big deal?”
It’s one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon, and your husband says he’s going out to do a few errands. The hours pass, and by dinnertime he still isn’t home. Finally, at seven o’clock he drives up.
“Do you know what time it is?” you ask him. “You were out for six hours!”
“Gee, I didn’t realize it was that long,” he says. “I had a lot to do.”
“But you said you were going out to do a few errands – I thought you’d be back by dark for sure.”
“I guess I lost track of time,” he replies absentmindedly. “It didn’t seem like that much time had passed.”
“That’s an understatement – why didn’t you at least call me?”
“Why should I have called?” he asks in a puzzled voice. “You knew I’d be home eventually.”
Both of these examples illustrate one point: Women experience time very differently from men. After decades of observation and personal experience, my theory is that women experience each increment of time as lasting much longer than men experience that same increment of time. It’s similar to “dog years” versus “people years,” and according to veterinary science, a dog year is seven times longer than a people year. In the same way, I am certain that “female time” is much longer than “male time”! One of my girlfriends and I decided, unscientifically of course, that one male hour was the equivalent of ten female hours, one male day the equivalent of ten female days, and so on.
Doesn’t this explain a phenomenon we’ve all experienced over and over again in our relationships – that in so many instances, men think almost no time has passed, and women feel so much time has passed. I believe this is because:
Time shrinks for men and stretches for women!
The previous stories are perfect examples – the woman feels as if the three days without talking to her boyfriend were an eternity, and he feels as if it’s only been three days since they spoke – hardly any time at all. For her, the time was stretched; for him, it was shrunk. It’s the same with the husband who went out for errands and came back six hours later: To his wife that six hours felt really long, probably because she had expected him back earlier, but for the husband, it seemed as if he’d only been gone for a little while.
I’ve come up with some examples of words men use that illustrate the shrunken male version of time:
Just can mean anything from in the last few minutes to the last few years, as in:
“Didn’t we just get new carpet?” (five years ago)
“Wasn’t your mother just here for a visit?” (three months ago)
“I thought we just discussed that.” (six weeks ago)
“Didn’t we just have some intimate time?” (three weeks ago)
A lot can be used to describe amounts that range from noticeable to miniscule, as in:
“I think we’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on our relationship lately.” (one counseling session and one long talk in the past three months)
“I feel I’ve been a lot better about complimenting you, haven’t I?” (two compliments in two weeks)
“Why are you complaining? I call you a lot when I’m out of town.” (once a day if she’s lucky)
Why do men and women experience time so differently? It seems to me that men tend to plant themselves more completely in the present moment when it comes to relationships and deal with the next moment when it arrives. Women, on the other hand, tend to extend themselves through time into the future.
Men’s relationship to love and time is more immediate. Women’s relationship to love and time is more extended.
This principle doesn’t apply to all parts of our lives. Men obviously have extended vision when it comes to running their business or designing their career. But somehow, when it comes to love, intimacy, and related topics, the above descriptions do seem accurate.
The result of these very different approaches to and experiences of time is a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings in our relationships.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When you don’t seem to be aware of how much time has passed since you spoke to us or saw us, or spent special time with us, or when you forget important events in time, we end up feeling like you don’t care.
It’s easy for women to interpret men’s casual, and sometimes even oblivious, attitude toward time as a lack of caring or commitment. The following are comments women made to me while I researched this book:
“How could he not call me for three days unless he just doesn’t love me?”
“Why didn’t he remember to let me know he arrived at the hotel when he knew Yd be worrying, unless he just wasn’t thinking of me at all?”
“It’s been weeks since we’ve spent any special romantic time together, but he says it’s too soon to plan another evening, that we just did it – maybe he doesn’t want to be close with me.”
“I always want to be with my boyfriend whenever possible, but he goes about his business for days and seems unaware of how much time has passed. It makes me feel like I am not very special to him.”
Guys, please understand that I am not saying you don’t care, because I know you do. You just may not be aware of how your more casual relationship to time feels to us as women. Remember the 10-to-1 Rule: If you don’t call for a day, it feels like it’s been ten days to us; if we haven’t spent special time alone without kids or distractions for two weeks, it feels like twenty weeks. Of course, this rule also works another way: If you’ve been dating a woman for one month, she may act like you’ve been dating for ten months, making you wonder why she is so serious so quickly!
I don’t believe that men and women will ever change their experience of time. However, men, if you really want to please the woman you love, consider experimenting with the following suggestions:
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
1. We would love you to remember that whatever increment of time you are experiencing, it feels much longer to us.
2. Keeping this in mind, we would love you to consider adjusting your behavior once in a while by doing things sooner than you normally would:
Call us more frequently than you think is necessary.
Do or plan something special before you think the effect of the last time has worn off.
Tell us you love us or compliment us more times in a day than feels normal to you.
Be willing to spend more intimate moments with us than you normally would.
One easy way to put this into practice with the woman you care about is to do everything that is an expression of love twice as much. That means DOUBLE the amount of calls, special dates, compliments, intimate moments, and so on. If you would usually call your girlfriend once a day, try calling twice a day. If you would normally agree to one romantic activity a month with your wife, try planning two a month.
It is safe to assume that she will be happy with more, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how this small investment of extra time and effort pays off in the gratitude, the sweetness, and the contentment you will see radiating from your partner.
3. Women honor the cycles of time by celebrating special occasions.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has kept a little book containing a list of special occasions: the birthdays and anniversaries of friends and family members. Not a week goes by when she doesn’t send a card to someone. Often these cards go to a person my mother hasn’t seen or spoken to in a long time, yet she still remembers her birthday or anniversary and finds joy in celebrating the cycle of time through the expression of her love.
I am sure many of you have mothers like this, or are women like this. I know I definitely take after my mother and have boxes of cards that I keep on hand for the many special occasions I like to celebrate. But ask yourself: How many of your fathers had special occasion books? How many men reading this keep a list of everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries, and remember to honor them in some way?
Remember, women are always counting time, so we are usually much more aware of cycles than men are. Ways that women express our sacred relationship with time is by honoring these cycles of experience and marking the passage of time with celebration. Women delight in doing this, but even the most sensitive men often don’t understand why we are so into celebrating special occasions.
Take, for instance, Julia and Adam. They met at a yoga class and knew at once it was love at first sight. Julia was ecstatic – she was sure Adam was her soul mate, and secretly hoped one day they would be married. One month passed, and on that night when Adam came over to pick Julia up for dinner, she handed him a card.
“What’s this?” Adam asked with a smile.
“You’ll see,” Julia replied, squeezing his arm.
Adam opened the envelope to find a card that said, “Happy Anniversary.” At first he looked a little puzzled, but then Julia piped in: “It’s our one-month anniversary – one month ago tonight, March twelfth, we met at the yoga class!”
“You are such a romantic.” Adam laughed, giving Julia a kiss.
The months passed, and Adam and Julia grew closer and closer. On the twelfth of every month, Julia would wish Adam a happy anniversary, and give him a card or note or small gift. Soon, they marked one year together, and celebrated by going away for the weekend to the seaside.
Four weeks later, Adam and Julia were lying in bed, and Julia pulled out a card from under the covers and placed it on Adam’s chest with a giggle. Sure enough, it was a Happy Anniversary card. “Thank you, sweetheart,” Adam said, “But didn’t we just have our one-year anniversary last month?”
“Yes, Adam,” Julia replied, “but we still can celebrate our one-month anniversaries too.”
Adam looked confused and almost disappointed: “I guess I thought once we passed a year, we wouldn’t have to do the one-months anymore.”
When I share this story with people, men and women have different reactions. The women all understand Julia perfectly. “I think she is being sweet remembering the day they met each month,” they agree. “It was kind of insensitive of Adam to say he thought he wouldn’t have to celebrate them anymore, as if it was some kind of burden.” Men do not see it this way at all. “Adam’s right,” they exclaim. “One anniversary a year is enough.”
One special occasion a year is enough? What a foreign thought this is to most women! We see opportunities for celebrating the passage of time everywhere we look:
“It’s the six-week anniversary of when we first said ‘I love you.”’
“It’s the three-month anniversary of when we first made love.”
“It’s our one-month anniversary of being married.”
I remember the shocked look on a boyfriend’s face once when I said: “Guess what today is? It’s the tenth anniversary of the day I lost my virginity.”
“You remember the date?” he asked with incredulity.
“Of course I do,” I answered. “It was an important occasion.”
“Tell me, how does one celebrate an anniversary like this?”
I smiled. “You figure it out.”
I confess this personal vignette to make the point that I, like so many woman, keep track of the love and happiness in my life by remembering special moments.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Celebrating cycles and special occasions is a woman’s way of counting the joy and marking the growth of love.
When I stop and become aware of the time that has passed since meeting a special person, or falling in love, or starting on a spiritual path, or giving up an unhealthy habit, I am not only honoring the cycles of time – I am honoring myself and how I have grown. When Julia celebrates the monthly anniversary of meeting her boyfriend, she is marking the growth of their love. When a wife wants to do something special for her wedding anniversary with her husband, she is saying, “I want to honor how hard we have worked to stay together. I want to honor the love.”
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Barbara De Angelis
What makes women tick? And how can women and men use this knowledge to make a great relationship? Top relationships expert Barbara De Angelis tells you how‘What Women Want Men To Know’ is a book for men and women alike. Barbara De Angelis reveals what makes women tick, just why it is they do what they do – in relationships, in bed, and in day to day communication. And what they want from their men.Essential reading for the man who wants to understand his partner better, it is also a must for the woman who wants to understand her own relationship and needs: “first and foremost this book is for you as a woman to read. It wasn’t written just to help men understand you – it is an invitation for you to know and understand yourself more than you ever have before… ”The book includes the top 10 turn offs for women in bed and the top 10 turn ons.At a time when our stressed-out lifestyles are making healthy, fulfilled relationships increasingly elusive, the foremost female writer in this genre has provided, yet again, a route to a greater understanding of the one you love.This is vintage De Angelis.
WHAT
WOMEN
WANT MEN
TO KNOW
The Ultimate Book About Love, Sex,
And Relationships For You –
And The Man You Love
BARBARA DE ANGELIS, PH.D.
DEDICATION (#ulink_2b43fc8c-e8f6-5530-817b-72122c4b96da)
To the one I waited for all these years,
in honor of Love that does not flee from the face of fire,
but joyfully submits,
knowing that, through grace,
it will be transformed into gold.
CONTENTS
Cover (#ua16a9676-7871-58ad-8943-a7f9a05be52b)
Title Page (#u60b3e2e3-535c-5984-ae4a-ada2bd5e9f76)
Dedication (#u817f87b8-e2d3-58e5-8ee2-44650db8143d)
Introduction (#ulink_b2ae04ee-ee57-5aab-8106-f43c59dd0c8b)
A Message to Women
A Message to Men (#u52ead9db-9e5d-5b92-ae89-cd92fb295994)
PART I: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US (#u42611d65-4f1a-5c55-9277-4d6bdd752dba)
1 Women Put Love First (#u949455b8-32ca-5f95-a07b-e496b2a3815c)
2 Women Are Creators (#ub0bcccf9-b50a-5d16-831f-f11843a3a285)
3 Women Have a Sacred Relationship with Time (#ue35572eb-5f6a-513f-8a62-03340731a57a)
4 Women Need to Feel Safe (#litres_trial_promo)
5 Women Need to Feel Connected (#litres_trial_promo)
6 Women Need to Feel Valued (#litres_trial_promo)
7 Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong (#litres_trial_promo)
PART 2: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE, INTIMACY AND COMMUNICATION (#litres_trial_promo)
8 How to Avoid Turning a Perfectly Sane Woman into a Raving Maniac (#litres_trial_promo)
9 How to Be the Perfect Lover Outside of the Bedroom (#litres_trial_promo)
10 Five Secrets About How Women Communicate (#litres_trial_promo)
11 The Top Ten Male Communication Habits That Drive Women Crazy (#litres_trial_promo)
12 What Women Hate to Hear Men Say and What Women Love to Hear Men Say (#litres_trial_promo)
PART 3: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (#litres_trial_promo)
13 Sexual Secrets About Women (#litres_trial_promo)
14 Women’s Top Twenty Sexual Turn-Offs (#litres_trial_promo)
15 Women’s Top Twenty Sexual Turn-Ons (#litres_trial_promo)
Conclusion (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
Other Works (#litres_trial_promo)
More About Barbara De Angelis (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
INTRODUCTION (#ulink_712a937d-a41c-5849-a7cd-b709adbdeb76)
A MESSAGE TO WOMEN (#ulink_371627d6-86f9-5304-8647-a20b4b76c8f7)
I wrote this book for you, and for the man you love. I believe that it is a book every woman has always wished existed, a book she could give to her mate that would effectively explain all the things she wanted him to know about loving her. “Read this,” she would say, “and you will understand me.”
How many times have I myself wished for such a book: times when it was clear that, once again, I had failed to successfully convey my needs to my partner; times when, no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince him that if only he would make one small gesture or handle a situation a bit differently, things would be so much easier between us; times when my attempt to communicate what I wanted and why it was important to me resulted in him concluding that I was simply too needy rather than being motivated to do something that would make me happy. In these, and so many other moments, I would sigh, as all women have undoubtedly sighed for thousands of years, and wish there was some way I could get through to him, some way to make him understand.
If you are a woman reading this, you know this sigh well. It is the sigh that whispers, “I just want him to care enough to really see who I am.” It is the primal need to be known, to be valued, to be accepted just as you are. Of course, we all have tasted this experience of another soul truly knowing ours. Ironically, it is the bond we have with other women – our girlfriends, our sisters, our colleagues – where the very kind of deep comprehension of who we are and what we are trying to say happens effortlessly, and almost instantaneously.
Does the following story sound familiar?
You are sitting across from a girlfriend at lunch, and early on in the conversation you start to explain a problem you are having in your relationship, or something your mate did that upset you. Within moments of your initial remarks, your friend seems to understand exactly what you mean. She nods her head sympathetically, shows concern for all the right issues, and even finishes your sentences with the perfect words. And as you look at her gratefully, something inside you sighs with relief and exclaims: “YES! That’s exactly how it is … You know just how I am feeling!”
The conversation continues, and within ten minutes, you and your girlfriend have agreed on solutions to a whole list of issues that you and your husband have argued over, with no resolution, for ten years. You’re amazed at how effortless the discussion is, how completely she comprehends your emotions, your reactions, your needs. You shake your head in frustration, knowing that if you try to bring up these same topics with your mate, his response will be quite different: thinly veiled irritation; eye-rolling; sighs of weary exasperation; and numb, emotionless stares, as if you were not speaking English but Swahili, so therefore he has no idea what you are talking about!
As you finish your lunch, you thank your friend for being so supportive. And then you say the words that, at some point, we have all found ourselves saying to other women in our lives: “If only my husband could understand me like you do …! It’s too bad that you’re a woman – otherwise we’d be perfect for each other!” And your friend nods in agreement, for once again, she understands exactly what you mean …
After countless experiences like this one, after decades of working with men and women trying to help them understand one another, it was time for me to write What Women Want Men to Know. Actually, people have been asking me to write a book like this for over ten years. Ever since 1990, when I wrote my first bestseller, Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, women and men as well have begged me to create its counterpart – a book that would explain women to men. In my seminars, on my television and radio shows, through my fan mail, and whenever they would meet me on the street or in an airport, literally thousands of people have made the same kinds of comments:
“I’ve tried to explain why I am the way I am to my boyfriend, but he just doesn’t get it. I know if you explained it, he would listen!”
“Why can’t my husband understand that if he just did certain simple things, I would be so happy? Please write a book telling men what we want and why we want it!”
“My best girlfriend understands me PERFECTLY. If men could eavesdrop on what women say to each other, they would become experts on loving us!”
“Every time I try to talk to my husband about sex, he gets defensive. Could you please write the nitty-gritty stuff about women and sex for men to read like you did for women to read in your book Secrets About Men?”
“My wife complains that I’m not intimate enough, but whenever I ask her to explain what she means, her answers leave me confused, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. I really do want to make her happy, but I need help figuring her out.”
What Women Want Men to Know is my response to these requests for help from both sexes: It presents all the things women wish men knew about understanding us and loving us. Over the past twenty-five years, I have worked with tens of thousands of women, listening to what they wanted and needed from the men in their lives, and hearing their frustrations in not always being able to get these needs met. I’ve also worked with tens of thousands of men, discovering how they look at love, sex, and intimacy, and how mystified they often are about us as women. I’ve learned how to translate for women what men want and how they feel, as I did in Secrets About Men. And now, in this book, I’ve translated for men what women want, how we feel, and what we’ve been trying to tell them about loving us.
WHY MEN NEED THIS BOOK
Before we go on, there’s something very important that I need to share with you, something I reiterate to men in the next section: I love men! I have loved men my whole life, and despite a very substantial collection of heartaches and disappointments, I have never stopped loving them or given up on them or on relationships. So this book is not about what’s wrong with men; it is not designed to chastise or criticize them for not knowing how to love us properly. Rather, its intention is to invite men to see and understand women as they never have before. I have a reputation for knowing how to get through to my male readers, students, and seminar attendees, and I worked very hard in writing this book to express information in a way I hope men will really hear. You see, I understand how difficult it is for men to go where we want them to go emotionally, to open up to the kind of intimacy we crave, and to understand the heart and soul of women. And it is out of that love and compassion that I approach working with men, and it is out of that love and compassion that this book is written.
Recently, I bumped into an old friend in a health food store. I asked how she and her husband were doing, and we spent a few moments catching up on each other’s lives. “What are you working on these days?” she questioned. “A new book called What Women Want Men to Know,” I replied.
“Really? That’s fabulous!” she said excitedly. “I can’t wait to get it and give it to Donald. I mean, he’s a great guy, but, well, he’s still a man, right?”
A male customer happened to be standing next to us during this exchange, and when he heard my friend’s comments, he shot us a nasty look, as if to say, “You women just love putting men down.” As he walked by shaking his head, my girlfriend and I exchanged a smile, because we knew that his interpretation of what had occurred was totally incorrect – she hadn’t been putting her husband down at all. She adores her husband. Rather, she’d been describing a reality most women naturally understand – that even the best men are still MEN, not women, and for that reason alone, they can use a little help understanding the females in their lives.
The harsh truth is this: Just because men love us does not mean they can know us. They inhabit a very different world than we do, and as we will see throughout this book, our world often appears mysterious, confusing, and contradictory to them.
I think this is why often even the best-intentioned man who deeply loves his partner appears to simply not persist at trying to understand her. To put it bluntly, many men just give up, not because they don’t care, but because they feel they are certain to fail at gaining any glimmer of true cognition of our complex nature, and since men don’t like failing, they often opt for not trying at all.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to make it easier for men to try to succeed at understanding and loving us, to make them better boyfriends and better husbands, better companions and better lovers. And I wrote this book to make it easier for you to succeed at expressing your needs, explaining your nature, and sharing your heart with the man you love.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK FOR YOURSELF
First and foremost, this book is for you as a woman to read. It wasn’t written just to help men understand you – it is an invitation for you to know and understand yourself more than you ever have before. After all, if you don’t quite understand why you feel the things you feel, do the things you do, and need the things you need, you will have a difficult time explaining these parts of your being to the men in your life. And if we are honest, we must confess that sometimes we wonder about ourselves as women: Are we “normal”? Is what we expect and hope for “too much”? Are our men right when they accuse us of being “too sensitive, too needy”? In truth, we don’t always know and fathom ourselves as deeply as we claim to, and this lack of knowledge results in the destructive habits of self-criticism, self-doubt, and low self-esteem.
What Women Want Men to Know will reveal to you and to the men who read it that there are intelligent, loving reasons behind all the things you do and feel. There is a reason we call a man five times until we get through; a reason we feel terrible when he shuts down when we try to find out what’s bothering him; a reason we love to plan time with our mate, and become anxious when he avoids committing to scheduling in advance. The reason is not that we are neurotic, or weak, or insecure. The reason, simply put, is that we are women, and what drives us and defines us is uniquely different from what drives and defines men. As you will see in the following chapters, our needs and behaviors as women only appear to be mysterious or confusing when we don’t understand our true nature.
This is one of my purposes in writing this book, so that as women we can understand ourselves more and judge ourselves less, so that we can honor and celebrate our unique capacity to feel deeply, to love with uninterrupted focus, and to cherish connection over separation. When you have this kind of confidence and deep comprehension of yourself as a woman, you will have a much better chance of being able to communicate your needs and emotions to the man in your life. Of course, this still isn’t a guarantee that you will always get the response you want, but at least you will have an advantage in that you will be able to give men something they appreciate and feel comfortable with when addressing a problem: a logical explanation.
Here’s what I mean: Imagine that you’re trying to communicate to your husband why you would like him to commit to planning more specific activities in advance with you and your children on the weekends, rather than always waiting until the last minute. You feel his resistance to this idea, his rebellion against feeling pinned down, and he responds by saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is about. Why do you always want to have things planned out all the time? Why can’t you be more spontaneous?”
Think for a moment – what would your answer be? Do you actually know why planning things in advance is so important to you, not just logistically but emotionally? Would you know how to express this to him? Much of the time, we aren’t sure why we want and need the things we do, and we reply to a man’s reluctance with vague statements like: “I can’t explain it,” or “Isn’t it enough that I tell you it’s important to me?” or, when we are really frustrated, “Just forget it – you obviously don’t care about how I feel.”
Believe it or not, your man is listening, but he is probably listening from his head, and not from his emotions. Your lack of what he considers a logical explanation leaves him to conclude, consciously or unconsciously, that there is no logical explanation for these needs of yours, that they are just another example of the way women get needy or whiney, and are never satisfied. Without information that can satisfy his brain, your partner may have a difficult time opening his heart to doing what it takes to make you happy. Instead, he will often dismiss your needs or requests as whimsical, irrational, and not deserving of serious attention.
Throughout this book, I’ve not only detailed what women want regarding love, intimacy, communication, and sex but WHY we want it, WHY it is important to us, WHY, because of who we are as women, certain kinds of behaviors from our male partners fulfill our most profound and essential needs. These explanations are just as important for you to understand as they are for men, and the information you’ll gain will make it much easier for you to successfully communicate with the person you love. So before you give this book to the man you love, please read and understand it for yourself!
HOW TO SHARE THIS BOOK WITH MEN
Earlier, I said that I wrote this book for you as a woman. And of course I also wrote it for men: any man who wants to be more successful at loving, pleasing, and living harmoniously with a woman. If you are presently in a relationship with a man and are reading these words right now, I must warn you about a temptation that will be difficult to resist – the temptation to thrust this book under his nose when he comes home tonight, or the next time you see him, and say: “Here … READ THIS! It explains everything I’ve been trying to tell you for years. Better yet, MEMORIZE IT!”
As enticing as this scenario might sound, it probably won’t be particularly effective in getting your loved one to want to read this book, and will only serve to alienate him further from the possibility. How do I know this? Men who’ve been the “victims” of my enthusiastic female fans and ended up cringing at the very sound of my name have confessed it to me, sometimes years later, when they finally recover from the trauma of hearing “Barbara says…” every five minutes!
I met such a man only a few weeks ago. I was waiting in line at a coffee store when I was approached by a friendly-looking guy in his thirties. “You’re Barbara De Angelis, aren’t you?” he asked. I told him I was, and he began to smile.
“I just had to come up to you,” he replied, “because I used to really hate you.” Noticing the look of distress on my face, he quickly continued. “I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who worshiped you. You were like her guru. She had ordered every tape and video you’ve made, she owned every book you ever wrote, and all I heard day and night was ‘Barbara said this’ and ‘Barbara thinks this about that,’ most of which, by the way, was that I was screwed up. Whenever we’d have an argument, I felt like I was in a fight with two people – my girlfriend and you! By the time we broke up, I was furious at you, and blamed you for all of my problems.
“I went through a year of disappointing dating experiences. Then, several months ago, a male friend of mine told me he’d just read a fantastic book about how to choose the right partner called Are You the One for Me? He read me a few passages on the phone one night, and everything he said made perfect sense and explained some of the mistakes I’d been making. ‘This sounds terrific,’ I told him. ‘Can I borrow the book?’ He agreed to lend it to me, and the next evening at the gym, he handed me a well-worn copy of Are You the One for Me? – with your picture on the cover! You can imagine my surprise when I found out this great book was written by the woman who had ruined my relationship with my girlfriend.
“Well, in spite of my prejudice, I did go home and read it. And of course I loved the book, and had to admit that my ex-girlfriend had been right – your stuff is great. I even called her up that week to tell her she wouldn’t believe whose book I was reading, and we had a really good conversation. So when I saw you here, I just had to come over and tell you that I don’t hate you anymore, and that actually, I think you’re wonderful!”
I gave this man a big hug, and thanked him for his delightful story. Would you be surprised if I told you that I’ve heard this same tale in different versions many times? It seems my readers, usually the female ones, sometimes use my books as intellectual weapons, and I become an unwitting ally in their attack on their partner’s behavior. Of course this approach never works, and I always feel regretful when I hear about it.
So here’s my request to you: If you are going to share this book with the man in your life, PLEASE SHARE IT LOVINGLY. Don’t shove it at him along with a sarcastic comment; don’t give it to him in the middle of an argument; don’t leave it on his pillow with a note attached that says: “You need this!” Come from a positive, instead of a negative, place, as if you’ve discovered a great treasure and want him to know about it, and he will be much more open to hearing what I have to say.
Here are some suggestions for getting your partner to read What Women Want Men to Know:
Ask him to read the “Message to Men” that follows this section. It sets the tone for the whole book, and will hopefully make him want to continue reading!
Give him a copy as a gift with a note that says: “Because I love you and always want to have a fabulous relationship and a great sex life…” For extra emphasis, include some lingerie with another note: “I can’t wait to wear this for you,” so he gets the idea that he will be rewarded for reading the book!
Read him small sections, particularly the ones marked For Men, and ask him what he thinks of the information. This will allow him to slowly become interested in the material.
Let him know you’re reading the book so you can do a better job of expressing yourself to him, and give him an example of what you’ve learned. Then he won’t feel you’re saying he is the only one who needs the book.
Arrange for one of your girlfriends to give him the book.
Read him hot tips from the sex section while you’re lying in bed, and then go back to reading. This will get him intrigued, and maybe even more…!
Leave the book in the bathroom with your favorite pages marked. Do not remove it for several weeks!
Perhaps you’re already thinking: “My partner will NEVER read this.” My response is: Don’t be so sure. I worked hard to make this book user-friendly for men, to explain things in ways that will make it easy for them to want to read more. Men know I like them, and often they can accept feedback and suggestions from me that they can’t from their own wife or girlfriend. My hope is that receiving this information about you from me will help the man you love finally hear what you’ve been trying to tell him for a long time. One thing is certain – any man who reads this book will know that my intention in writing it is to make his love life easier, less intense and dramatic, and more hassle-free. And no man can argue with those results!
How else can you share this book with men?
Give it to the boyfriends or husbands of your female friends – you know they need it, and your girlfriends will love you for it.
Send it to your former lover. Although your relationship with him is over, you will be doing a service to the next woman he is with. And if you are still interested in him, maybe it will reopen some doors.
Give it to your male friends who just can’t seem to make a relationship work. Their future partners will thank you one day!
Give it to your father. It’s not too late, and your mother will be grateful that you cared.
Give it to your son if he is old enough to appreciate it. Don’t you wish someone would have taught your mate this information when he was starting to date?
GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
The information in this book was compiled from a combination of sources. The majority comes from several decades of working with tens of thousands of women and hearing what they wish men knew about them. As in all of my books, I’ve also added my own experiences from relationships into the mix, along with those of my close friends and acquaintances. In addition, I include hundreds of responses from a questionnaire I distributed to women over the past year. (See the back of the book for a list of the questions.)
Still, with all of this input, the best I can do in these chapters is to generalize about the way women are. All of us are unique and different. And while many women will find the descriptions of how we think and feel, and why we do the things we do, accurate, others may, at times, read what I’ve written and say, “I’m not that way at all.” The truth is I know many men who have more of the “female” characteristics and motivations I describe (straight men as well as gay men), and on the flip side, I know many women who demonstrate more of what might traditionally be called “male” habits. I know men who are the ones in a relationship desperately needing attention and reassurance, and women who are shut down and hate talking about feelings.
The bottom line is that all things don’t apply to everyone. I am attempting to communicate what I’ve heard and learned over the years without being accurate to every subgroup. So the best way for you to read this book is to take what feels pertinent and valuable to you, and don’t worry about the rest. And of course What Women Want Men to Know isn’t everything women want men to know – to complete that task I would have to write volumes! I have tried to include the information I felt was most important and useful.
I hope this book will be everything you want it to be. I hope that after reading it you will love and honor yourself more and judge yourself less. I hope it will open the doors of clarity and communication between you and the man you love. I hope it will give you the words you need to say so that your partner can understand you from the inside out. I hope it will be a source of comfort, strength, and inspiration, reminding you that you are not alone on your journey. Most of all, I hope this book brings you many steps closer to creating the kind of loving, fulfilling, and passionate relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
A MESSAGE TO MEN (#ulink_a38b5894-2a77-5375-ac39-c441fe6490eb)
What if I told you that by doing a few simple things,you could get the woman you love to stop actingin some of the ways that drive you crazy?What if you knew some magic words to say that wouldwork in seconds to make a woman feel like you were themost wonderful mate she could ever imagine?What if I taught you some secret techniques that wouldmake your partner want to have more sex with you?
Do I have your attention yet, guys? Does any of this sound interesting? If so, you’ve come to the right place, and you’re reading the right book!
Let me alleviate any suspicions you may have and say from the start what this book is not:
It’s not a “chick book,” written just for women, that I hope your wife or girlfriend will somehow convince you to read.
It’s not a thinly disguised condemnation of men, explaining how it’s all your fault.
It’s not chapter after chapter of instructions to follow that will make you feel as if you have no power in your relationship and are just obeying orders.
It’s not a book designed to make you more like a woman, and less like a man.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to help you feel more successful, more powerful, and more in control of your love life. I wrote it so you could have more of the things you want in relationships, and less of the things you don’t want. It’s a book written specifically with you in mind, a book written to make your life easier.
I’ve spent the past twenty years working with tens of thousand of people, about half of them men. Men of all ages and from all backgrounds have opened up and shared with me what frustrates them in their relationships, what confuses them about women, and what they want in the areas of love and sex. I’ve been listening carefully, and here’s some of what I’ve heard men want:
You want to feel successful in your relationship, like you’re doing a good job and not messing it up.
You want less hassle, stress, and drama.
You want more peace, calm, and harmony.
You want frequent and passionate sex with your partner.
You don’t want to have to emotionally process all the time and feel as though you’re always “working on things.”
You want your mate to criticize you less and appreciate you more.
You want to feel like you’re making your woman happy.
This book is designed to help you achieve these goals. How? By understanding more about why women are the way they are, and learning some simple, practical ways you can communicate with us and relate to us that will make you and your partner happier and more satisfied in every way.
Now I have some really great news for you:
You know all of the stuff you hate about how women can get? Our neediness, our clingyness, our insecurities, the feeling you have that no matter how much you do or give, it’s never enough for us? I want you to know that so much of this is avoidable. Perhaps a woman has tried to explain: “If only you’d do x or y, it would make such a huge difference,” and you’ve thought to yourself, “Yeah, right.” But I’m here to tell you that this is the most important secret about women you will ever discover:
When you learn just a few simple things to do and say to the woman in your life, you’ll prevent her from having the very kinds of emotional reactions that you dislike.
Does this sound too good to be true? Well, it isn’t. I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to offer you the information you need, presented logically, clearly, and to the point, for creating the kind of relationship with a woman that is fun, enjoyable, satisfying, and much less work than you could ever imagine.
Are you convinced that this book is worth reading yet? I hope so!
THE MORE YOU KNOW, THE MORE POWERFUL AND SUCCESSFUL YOU ARE
Recently I gave a lecture to a large group and included some of the material you will be reading in this book. During the question-and-answer session, a man stood up and said defiantly, “I’m what you might call a macho sort of guy, and I’m having a hard time with this. It sounds like what you want is for me to basically think like a woman; act like a woman; in other words, to become a woman.”
“Why do you think I want you to become like a woman?” I asked him.
“Well, if I’m always trying to figure out what my wife wants, and remembering her three basic needs like you talked about, and do this and that little thing to make her happier, aren’t I becoming like a woman?”
“Let me ask you a question,” I replied. “Do you own a car?” The man nodded. “Is it a nice car that you’d like to keep for a while?”
“Yes,” he said proudly. “Actually it’s only a few months old.”
“Okay, so did you read the manual when you got the car?”
“Sure,” he said.
“And the manual taught you how to operate the car properly, what kind of gas to use in order to run the vehicle efficiently, what warning signs to look for that might indicate you’re having problems, when to get checkups so the car can last for a long time, how to service the car so it doesn’t break down, and stuff like this, right?”
“Right,” he answered.
“So,” I said to him with a mischievous smile, “by learning about your car and understanding how it works, were you becoming like your car? Do you feel more like a car since you read the manual? When the dealer who sold you the vehicle gave you the manual, did you become defensive and say, ‘Hey, do you want me to become like a car?’”
The audience laughed, and the man laughed along with them, because he couldn’t argue with my logic.
“See, your car is very valuable to you,” I explained. “It’s an investment, so you want to protect that investment and learn everything you can about making sure the car works perfectly. Now, I notice you’re sitting next to a woman who appears to be very happy with everything I’m saying, so I assume it’s your wife?”
“Yeah, she made me come tonight.” He grinned.
“Well, guess what? She’s your investment, and a more expensive one than the car, I might add! So why not learn all you can about her, how to keep her ‘running properly,’ so to speak, and then you’ll get the most out of your investment…and more enjoyable rides too!”
The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the man thanked me and sat down, kissing his wife, who was, I’m sure, thrilled that she had dragged him to my seminar.
I admit I like using car analogies with men, because they are effective in getting the point across – that learning more about that which is valuable to you is your way of protecting and taking care of what is yours. Educating yourself about what is important to you is a way to make yourself more powerful as a man, not less powerful.
In areas of your life other than your intimate relationships, you probably find it easier to be open to learning and improving yourself. For instance, you’d never be defensive or reluctant about reading the manual for your new car, or your new VCR, or your new cell phone. In the same way, if you had to make an important presentation for work to a new client, you’d want to learn everything you could about him and his company to ensure that you’d make a good impression – you’d never say to your boss: “I don’t need any help figuring out what to say. Stop telling me what to do all the time.” And if you’re a golfer, or if you play tennis, or participate in any other sport, you read and learn everything you can about how to master that sport – you’d never stubbornly insist that you didn’t need any help, that learning from other people would make you a wimp.
You know where I’m going with all of this, right? Your intimate relationship is your most important and valuable investment. The more you learn about women and about love, the better you’ll become as a husband or lover, and the more control you will have over your love life.
While flying to New York recently, I was seated next to a gentleman of Asian-American descent who is a consultant to large corporations and business executives on understanding and operating successfully within the Asian culture. He is considered an expert in his field, and companies pay him a lot of money to train their staffs in how to relate to their business counterparts in Japan, China, Singapore, and other Pacific Rim countries. This man told me fascinating stories about companies that tried to take their businesses overseas without educating themselves about the cultural differences, and ran into problem after problem. “It’s amazing,” he explained to me, “how comprehending the differences between cultures, and learning just a few simple tips for effective communication and behavior, can be the key to billions of dollars of profit, and the difference between success and failure.”
As I listened to this very intelligent man, I couldn’t help but think about the work I do, and when he was finished with his story, I said, “Well, it seems that we’re in the same profession.”
“Really?” he replied. “Are you a cross-cultural consultant too?”
“In a way,” I responded with a smile. “I teach men and women how to understand each other.”
The man laughed and said: “Then I have no doubt your job is harder than mine!”
Just as, until they undergo the proper education, this man’s clients can’t be expected to understand their business associates from a totally different culture, so too you can’t be expected to understand women just because you love us! Why? Because as you already know too well, men and women are very different. Besides, the truth is that as women, we don’t always understand ourselves, and if we can’t figure out why we are the way we are, how in the world can we expect you to understand us? As you’ll see when you read What Women Want Men to Know, it wasn’t just written for men in order to help you understand women – it was written to help us as women understand ourselves, so we can communicate more precisely and more effectively with you about what we want and need in ways you can actually hear us.
WHY THIS BOOK HAS FOUND ITS WAY TO YOU
If you are reading these words right now, chances are that this book was given to you by a woman who loves you. Perhaps it was your wife, your lover, a close friend, your ex-girlfriend, your sister-in-law, but definitely someone who wants you to be happy and successful in your relationships.
If your partner gave you this book:
She isn’t saying that you are the problem.
She isn’t saying she is upset with you.
She isn’t saying that you aren’t doing it right.
She isn’t complaining or making you feel wrong.
She isn’t implying that she’s perfect and you’re the one who’s messed up.
She isn’t insinuating that it’s all your fault.
She isn’t alleging that you’re stupid and can’t figure this stuff out for yourself.
If your wife or girlfriend gave you this book, she is simply saying that she loves you. She wants things to be better, she wants your relationship to last, she wants to make you happy, and she feels you might get some information from this book that will help you act in ways that will allow her to be more of what you want her to be! Be happy that someone cares about you this much and is reaching out rather than shutting down.
If someone other than your partner gave you this book, know that she, or he, is a true friend who wants the best for you.
If you found your own way to this book, it is because you love women and want to make your relationships with them easier, full of more joy and less stress. I applaud you for being a man of vision. If you are already involved with someone, she is lucky indeed to have a man who cares enough to want to become a better partner and lover. And if you haven’t found your true love yet, believe me, she is going to be happy and grateful when she meets you.
Perhaps at this point in your reading, despite how much sense all of this is (hopefully!) making, you hear a familiar, rebellious voice in your head that says:
“Jeez, another of my wife’s books. She’s always trying to ‘fix’ me, like I’m screwed up or something. I’m sure it’s going to tell me that all the problems in our relationship are my fault, that I need to change. I don’t need this! Why should I listen to some other woman I don’t even know telling me what to do? What a waste of time.”
Here’s my response:
This book is going to make you feel smarter and more competent, not stupid and incompetent.
It’s going to make you feel less out of control, and more in control.
It’s going to give you more power over your life, not ask you to give up your power.
And the small amount of time you spend reading it will be nothing compared to the amount of time you will save because you will be having less arguments, less hassles, and less unhappy moments.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME
Here are some things I’d like you to know about me:
First of all, I love men. I have loved them all my life. If I didn’t, I’d have written a book titled Men: Who Needs Them? or It’s All His Damn Fault, rather than What Women Want Men to Know! Instead, I wrote this book because I realize that although men continue to make sincere efforts to figure us out, it’s not always a simple matter for you to understand the woman in your life. And perhaps it will be easier to hear about what women want and need regarding love, sex, and intimacy from me, a woman you don’t know but one who has talked to thousands of other women, rather than hearing it from your own partner.
So think of me as a translator, a mediator of sorts in a peace process, sitting across the table from you and saying, “Look, if you want to get such and such results in your relationship with your wife, I suggest you try doing this, because I can guarantee she will not only love it, but will complain less,” or “I know her request for such and such seems silly, and you can’t imagine that something so trivial will make a difference, but trust me – I’ve talked to her – and it will,” or “If you want to avoid turningher into an emotional wreck, I propose you work on eliminating this certain phrase from your vocabulary, because whenever she hears it, she’s going to overreact and you won’t like the outcome.” Do I believe the information I’m going to share with you in the following chapters can make an enormous difference in your love life? You bet I do. Give it a chance, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Second, this book is written by me, a woman, about what women want men to know. Isn’t that the way it should be? If you’re going to learn about what women want you to know in the areas of communication, intimacy, love, and sex, shouldn’t your guide be a woman? What good is it hearing what some other man thinks about what women want? Naturally I am biased, but I do believe that this book contains information you’d never learn if it was written by a man. Women have confided in me, and told me things about themselves, about their needs, and about sex that I am sure they would never have revealed to a man. I think you will be intrigued by what they have to say.
Third, if you’re thinking, “Why did you just write about what men are supposed to learn and do differently? It seems so one-sided. What about women? Shouldn’t they be trying to understand our needs, and make us happy too?” Well, I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s why several years ago, I wrote Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. It taught women all about men’s likes and dislikes regarding love, sex, communication, and suggested ways women could adjust their behavior in and out of the bedroom to improve their relationships with their husband or boyfriend. Millions of women read Secrets, and when they shared it with their partners, the men concluded that I was, indeed, their ally. So each time you read something in the following chapters that makes you want to say, “But what about what SHE does wrong?,” just remember – it’s all in the other book!
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
It was a challenge to write this book so that both women and men could feel I was talking directly to them. There are sections in which I am explaining certain things to women about themselves, and hoping that you’re reading this information as well. Then you will notice specific places where I make a point just for men. The best way to read the book is from start to finish, knowing that everything I’ve included in What Women Want Men to Know is designed to make you a lot smarter about women, love, and sex.
If you haven’t done so already, please go back and read the “Message to Women” at the beginning of the book. It’s just as much a message to you as it is to women, and you will find it helps to set up the rest of the chapters.
As I remind women in their Message, every female is unique and different, and so at best, all of what you read will be generalizations. This is where you come in: If you’re in a relationship, I strongly suggest that you discuss the material in this book with your partner:
Ask her if a particular point accurately describes her feelings.
Invite her to comment on what I say or what other women expressed.
Let her know what specific suggestions you’d be willing to try, and ask if these would make a difference to her.
Having these kinds of discussions will give you much valuable information about your wife or girlfriend. You’ll also find these conversations effortless and stress-free, compared with ones you’ve had in the past, because you will both be able to start your dialogue from the common ground of this book, rather than just your own opinions, and thus it will feel less adversarial and more like you’re both on the same side. Best of all, your partner will LOVE it that you are showing interest in her feelings, wanting her input, and that you care enough to ask.
I need to take a moment and say what this book is not about. It’s not about deeply wounded women with severe emotional problems who have shut down their feelings, suppressed their needs, and cut themselves off from their hearts. If you are presently or have been with a woman like this, you may find that nothing I say about how women behave applies to her. That’s because in order to defend herself from further pain, she’s built walls of protection around herself, and detached from her ability to feel. Men who make a habit of choosing emotionally unavailable women will be unable to relate to much of this book, and if you suspect you might be in that category, consider reading Are You the Onefor Me?, which will help you understand more about the patterns that prompt you to end up in unhealthy relationships.
I have a confession to make: I wrote this book secretly hoping my own partner would memorize every page, drink in each word, and digest every bit of information about me as a woman. I hoped he would enthusiastically try out every suggestion and explore each technique, intent on doing all he could to become the man of my dreams. If your wife or girlfriend gave you What Women Want Men to Know, guess what – she’s secretly hoping the same thing that I am!
Of course, what I am describing is how a woman would read a similar book, how a woman would approach pleasing a man, how a woman views improving herself, how a woman views love. Did you know that we are that way – focused on loving you twenty-four hours a day? Well, you’ll learn about it in the chapters that follow.
So how will you read this book as a man? What will you do with what you discover in these pages? Only you have the answers to these questions.
But I’ll confess another secret: If my sweetheart only takes a few important things from this book, it will be enough. I will be grateful that he was interested enough to spend the time to read about me, that he was committed enough to try to understand the tenderness of my heart, that he cared enough to consider ways in which he could make me feel more safe, more valued, more loved.
Your woman feels the same way. If, by reading what I offer here, you learn to appreciate her a little more fully, listen a little more closely, and love her a little more sweetly, she will be happy – and it will be enough.
Thanks for trusting me to take you on this journey into the heart and soul of a woman. I promise you it will be worth it.…
PART 1 WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US (#ulink_cb0796a0-2d01-5bbc-8f25-6c7d05b61eee)
I begin this book with an admission to men on behalf of the women you love and the women who love you:
We want men to understand us, to truly grasp why we are the way we are and why we need the things we do.
And we feel frustrated and upset when it appears that you don’t understand us.
But the truth is – and here’s the admission – we do not always fully understand ourselves, either.
Why is it, for instance, that at one moment a woman can seem to be so strong and competent, and the next so fragile and insecure?
What is it about us that makes us feel like a powerful goddess when we are at our best, and like a helpless little girl at our worst?
Why can we be the most enthusiastic cheerleader, the most stalwart supporter, the most loyal protector, the most wise adviser to everyone else – but not always to ourselves?
What does it mean that we can do a million things at once and seem to be handling it all effortlessly until suddenly, in one moment, we collapse under the weight of too much responsibility and just want to crawl under the covers?
Where does our ability to love so deeply come from?
Why is it that we so easily sacrifice our own needs in order to fulfill those of others?
Why do we seem to require more time, attention, and reassurance from men than they require from us?
Why are we the way we are?
We know men ask themselves these questions about us. And whether we readily admit it or not, we have the same questions about ourselves. The good news is that there are answers, reasons that, as women, we feel what we feel, and do what do. These answers are contained in the pages that follow, and are meant to enlighten women as well as men, as they shed light on the mystery of our nature, of our mind and our heart, of our desires and our longings.
Allow me, for a moment, to take you into the heart of a woman, and, through the following stories, reveal our own struggle to understand ourselves:
You know the man you love is going through a hard time in his life, contemplating making some difficult business decisions. Lately, he’s been anxious and distracted, and you want so badly to help in some way. One night after dinner you bring up the subject of his dilemma, sharing some thoughts you’ve had about the challenges he faces, suggesting steps he could take to resolve his problem. As you begin to talk to him, a tense look appears on his face, and with each new idea you present his frown gets worse and worse. Suddenly, you feel him pull away, as if you’ve just been shut out entirely.
“What’s wrong, honey?” you ask with concern.
“I just want to handle this situation myself,” he replies curtly “I don’t need your advice.”
“But I’m only trying to help,” you explain.
“Why don’t you let me figure it out my own way? Don’t you trust me?” he answers, obviously angry. “I hate when you get bossy and controlling like this.” And he leaves the room.
You stand there watching your husband walk away, your heart pounding and tears filling your eyes. You want to run after him, but you can’t find the right words to explain how you feel, how all you wanted to do was to support him. Instead, your efforts have made things even worse. You feel like such a failure. And a part of you wonders: “Is he right? Am I controlling like he says?”
A long weekend is coming up, and you want to spend it with your boyfriend. You had hoped he would mention it by now, but he hasn’t, and you are starting to worry. One night while talking with him on the phone, you bring up the subject: “Have you thought about the holiday weekend?”
“Not really,” he responds.
“Well,” you continue tentatively, “I was hoping we could be together, maybe even go away somewhere.”
Your boyfriend becomes very quiet, and after a few moments says in a flat voice: “Let’s see how the week goes.”
How the week goes? What does he mean by that, you think to yourself. You begin to feel a little panicky. “Don’t you want to spend time with me?” you ask him in a shaky voice.
“Of course I do,” he replies with growing irritation, “but why do we have to plan everything? Can’t you be more spontaneous? You’re so insecure all the time!”
You don’t know how to answer him. You just know that you’d feel so much better if you were sure you could look forward to seeing him that weekend, but you’ve already told him that, and there doesn’t seem to be anything else to say. The conversation ends, and as you get off the phone, you have an ache in your chest that won’t go away. You wonder: “Is he right? Am I too insecure?”
Your husband has left on a business trip. When he arrives at the airport in his destination city, he calls briefly to check in and let you know he is going out for dinner with a client. That night as it’s time for bed you lie there waiting for the phone to ring. You try his hotel room a few times, but get no answer. You leave several messages, and you wait, and you wait, but he doesn’t call. By now, it’s two in the morning, and you’re terribly anxious and worried. Where could he be, and why hasn’t he called? What could keep him from wanting to say good night to you? You finally fall into an uneasy sleep.
The next morning, you get up feeling hopeful, expecting to hear from your husband, but still, nothing. You try to make excuses for him, but you’re having a hard time convincing yourself: “If he was really tired last night, he could at least have called this morning.” As the hours go by with no word from him, your worry turns to paranoia, and your mind proceeds to parade its worst fears before you. “Maybe something is really wrong,” you imagine. “Maybe he got sick; or maybe he’s deliberately avoiding me.” And then the worst fear of all: Could he be there with another woman?
Finally, that evening, your husband calls, and to your great surprise, acts as though everything is fine. “Why didn’t you call me last night or this morning?” you ask in an anxious voice. “I was so worried!”
“I had just talked to you when I arrived, and after dinner I was exhausted and just collapsed into bed,” he answers, his voice expressing bewilderment that you are upset at all. “And this morning I was focused on getting ready for my meeting. Then I went from one event to another. I figured we would talk sometime today.”
You try to explain why you were so agitated at not hearing from him, but it doesn’t come out right, and you’re afraid you sound too desperate and clingy. Your husband listens, and you know by his response that he is annoyed. “Do I have to check in with you every five minutes?” he says sharply “Why do you fall apart just because I don’t call you for twenty-four hours?”
The conversation ends on a bad note, and when you hang up the phone, you feel awful. All you had wanted to do was let him know how much you missed him. Why couldn’t he understand how worried you’d been? Was it that unreasonable for you to have been concerned when he didn’t call or answer his phone? Or could it be that he was right: “Is something wrong with me?” you wonder. “Am I really too needy?”
Most women reading these stories will resonate with the experiences and emotions described because, whether to a lesser or greater extent, we’ve all had these feelings at one time or another. We wonder if our reactions to our partner are justified or if they are overreactions. We question whether our needs are legitimate or excessive. “Am I normal?” we ask ourselves.
As for men, well, I suspect that many of you reading these stories will probably have a very different response, something like: “Here are three perfect examples of the way women overreact and drive men nuts!” And you’re right – these scenarios are typical of the kinds of things women do and feel that men simply don’t understand, and therefore, often categorize as undesirable female behavior.
It is easy to condemn something when we don’t understand it. When not seen with eyes of wisdom and deep comprehension, a woman’s unique and beautiful characteristics can appear as something else not so beautiful to men, and even to ourselves. But when you learn the inner secrets of a woman’s nature, suddenly what appeared to be confusing becomes clear, what seemed unacceptable becomes appreciated, what was challenging becomes endearing.
When I prepared to write this section of the book, my goal was simple. I was looking for a few basic truths about who women are that would help us and the men we love understand our feelings and our behavior. In my research I asked women:
“What are the things you want the man you love to understand about you as a woman at the deepest level of your being?”
“What do you need to explain to your partner about your female nature that is very basic to you, yet, you suspect, so different from the way he experiences the world as a man?”
In the chapters that follow, I’ve done my best to summarize these basics about who women are, why we are that way, and what we want men to know about loving us. The first few chapters focus on three characteristics, the ones I believe are essential to understand in order to truly understand women. So much of why women do what we do, feel what we feel, and say what we say has its source in these truths. They are:
THE THREE BASIC TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN
1. Women put love first.
2. Women are creators.
3. Women have a sacred relationship with time.
Chapters 4, 5, and 6 present the three secret needs every woman has as a once-and-for-all response to men’s question: “Is there really something I can do that will make her stop complaining and be happy?” (Yes, there is!) And finally, Chapter 7 details “Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong”!
1 WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST (#ulink_d442a38a-ef2e-57af-82f4-5f377bddd4e7)
A few months ago, a male friend I hadn’t heard from in a while called to tell me he was in a new relationship with a woman he’d been seeing for six months. Brian had dated a lot in his life but had never really been seriously involved with anyone, so this was big news. I asked him how it was going, and he answered that things were great, but he had some concerns about his girlfriend.
“What kind of concerns?” I asked him.
“Well, Lori is really terrific, very sweet and affectionate,” he began, “but I’m worried that something’s wrong with her, like maybe she has psychological problems. That’s why I am calling you – to get your feedback.”
“Tell me what she does that makes you think she has psychological problems,” I prompted him.
“To begin with, she says she thinks about me all the time; she calls me during the day just to tell me she misses me; she plans special things for us to do weeks in advance; and she always wants to talk about us and how well we get along. Then last week,” he continued in a very serious voice, “she told me that our relationship is the most important thing in her life!”
“And what do you conclude from all of this?” I asked him, trying to hide the fact that I was smiling on the other end of the phone.
“Well, if she’s so focused on me like that, I think she obviously must be neurotic and insecure.”
“No, dear,” I said to my friend with a chuckle, “she must be a woman in love.”
My friend Brian is a good guy – but he’s a guy. He didn’t have a lot of experience being in long-term relationships, and the way Lori was loving him seemed strange to him, even unhealthy, because he didn’t understand the first secret about who women are: The world of women is a world of love. To love, to be devoted, to cherish intimate relationships is our nature.
What Women Want Men to Know: Women put love first.
When I say women put love first, I don’t mean women choose to make love and relationships a priority – these things just are a priority in our awareness. We don’t choose to have our heart focused on the man we love – it just is. We don’t choose to always be thinking of ways to connect with you – we just do. We don’t decide to put love first – it just is first.
THE LOVE PIE
Here’s an easy and visual way to understand the way women feel about love and relationships. I call it the “Love Pie.”
Visualize two circles, like pies, one representing a man’s consciousness and the other representing a woman’s consciousness. Now imagine a tiny slice cut out in each circle, like a piece of the pie, perhaps one-tenth of the whole. In the man’s circle, that small slice is the percentage of his awareness that he focuses on love and intimate relationships. Everything outside of that slice, the other nine-tenths of the circle, is his awareness focused on his work, his hobbies, his projects, and other activities.
In the woman’s circle, however, it is exactly the opposite: The tiny slice of the pie is the focus of her awareness on work, hobbies, projects, and all the rest of the pie is the focus of her awareness on love, family life, and relationships!
Okay, this is probably somewhat of an exaggeration, but you get my point. Whenever I draw the Love Pie for my seminar audiences, it evokes peals of laughter from both sexes. Why? Because instinctively, we all know it’s true, and as we’ll see, it explains so many of the issues that become problems between the men and women.
Here’s an important distinction to remember: The Love Pie doesn’t symbolize how we divide our time, or how many hours we spend on love versus other activities. It depicts where our awareness is focused on the inside, no matter what we are doing on the outside. For instance, a woman may work in her own career, whether outside or inside the home, for as many hours as her husband does in his, so it’s not like she’s spending one-tenth of the time he does focusing on work, and nine-tenths of her time shopping for lingerie, writing love poems, or fantasizing about how much she adores him. But you can bet that while she is doing her job, she probably thinks more about him than he does about her, and from day to day she is more conscious of the emotional rhythms of the relationship, and more focused on wanting more connection and intimacy.
Sometimes when I share the Love Pie analogy with women, they don’t completely relate to it until I remind them that focusing on love includes focusing on their children. Single mothers can understand this: Perhaps they aren’t in an intimate relationship, but their awareness is still on love the majority of the time – the love and concern they have for their children. Even women who are married often feel the large portion of their Love Pie is more dedicated to their everyday relationship with their kids than to the relationship with their husband. Whether this is healthy or not is a whole other topic, but the point is the same: She is a woman whose awareness, thoughts, and feelings are naturally focused on putting love first.
TAKING A TRIP INTO THE MIND OF A WOMAN
I’ve always said that if men spent a day in the mind of a woman in love, they’d be shocked and amazed at how much we think about them, how aware we are of them no matter what else we are doing. There’s an exercise I sometimes give couples to help the man understand how women put love first, and to give him an experience of our Love Pie: I ask the female partner to keep a “Thought Diary” throughout a typical day, writing down each time her awareness focuses on her mate and describing the situation. Then, she shows him her list. Without exception in the couples I’ve worked with, the male partner is astonished at how often during a day the female partner thinks about him.
I wanted to give you male readers a chance to experience this, so here’s a sample from one woman’s list that she kept in relation to her boyfriend, Joseph. Melissa is an executive at a radio station and has been involved with Joseph for almost a year. I’ve actually only included half of a day’s diary – a full day would go on for pages!
Melissa’s Thought Diary
So what’s your response to Melissa’s Thought Diary? When I show this list to women, they read it and say, “Oh my gosh, that’s exactly what I do!” Perhaps the content is varied for married women or women with children, but the frequency of thought is very similar. Men, on the other hand, have a very different reaction to this list. Some think I’m playing a joke on them, that a list like this can’t be genuine. Others make comments like: “This Melissa seems pretty neurotic,” or “Sounds like she needs to get a life!” Little do these men realize that their own girlfriends or wives probably think about them as much as Melissa thinks about her boyfriend, Joseph.
For Melissa, as for many women, love is a constant theme in her awareness. It’s the biggest piece of the pie of her consciousness. That doesn’t mean she isn’t focused on her job, or on other areas of her life – actually, she has a very busy schedule and a demanding career. It just means that when she is in an intimate relationship, she sees the world through the lens of love. It’s as if she is wearing a special pair of glasses whose prescription is her love for Joseph, and her experience of life is perceived through those love glasses. A news story on TV isn’t just a news story – it becomes something she can share with her sweetheart. A song on the radio isn’t just a song – it evokes memories and special emotions that remind her of her man. Raspberries aren’t just raspberries – they are the fruit that her partner loves.
Men: Please know that this process is so natural to a woman, so much a part of her nature, that she isn’t even aware that it’s going on. In fact, when Melissa read her own Thought Diary, she herself was surprised at how often she was thinking about Joseph. Normally, these thoughts about him just float in and out of her awareness. They’re just a part of how she is when she’s involved in a relationship, a reflection of how, like so many women, she puts love first.
HOW MEN AND WOMEN LOVE DIFFERENTLY
After years of research and personal experience, I’ve concluded that love is experienced very differently by men and by women:
For most women, love is nonstop reality, a consistent awareness that never quite disappears even when we are working or performing tasks that seem to have nothing to do with love. For most men, on the other hand, the experience of love is much more compartmentalized: It is an appointment men make with a part of themselves.
Women don’t have to shift into a loving awareness – they are in it most of the time, whether it’s being expressed or not. On the contrary, most men do have to consciously choose to make a shift into love mode.
Let’s go back for a minute to Brian, my friend who thought his new girlfriend must have psychological problems. This difference we’ve been examining between men and women explains why to Brian and probably to most men, a woman’s focus on him may seem excessive. Brian can’t imagine himself focusing on the relationship as much as Lori does. If he did that, he’d have to block out the rest of his life and consciously concentrate on her. To him, this would feel unbalanced, even obsessive. So he incorrectly assumes that if this is how Lori feels about him, she must be making a huge effort to love him in this manner, and therefore, she must be unbalanced and obsessive.
Many men make this same error in judgment – they see a woman putting love first, and have a hard time relating to it. “If I was behaving that way or feeling that way,” they think to themselves, “it would mean that I didn’t have a life, that I was really needy and desperate.” Then they conclude that their partner must be needy, empty, and insecure to love that much or focus on them that consistently.
Women, however, know better. Lori isn’t making any effort at all. She’s in love, and focusing on Brian is as natural to her as breathing. She doesn’t even think about it – it just happens. It’s the same with Melissa – she isn’t trying to think about Joseph; she isn’t thinking about him because she has a problem, or no life of her own. She is thinking about him because that’s the way she loves as a woman.
The analogy of the Love Pie illustrates how men and women think about their relationship. Here’s a second analogy, one that illustrates how men and women Junction in relationships.
Imagine a man’s consciousness and a woman’s consciousness are like houses, with different rooms for the different areas our mind focuses on in our life – a “work” room; a “body room; a “recreation” room, etc. For most women, every room in the house of her consciousness is also a Love Room, even when it is dedicated to other functions. It’s as if all the space in the house of her consciousness is used for love. It’s a Love House!
For men, however, there is only one Love Room in the house of their mind. Therefore, if the man wants to put his focus on love and the relationship, he consciously has to leave the other rooms and go to his Love Room.
This analogy of the Love Room explains a phenomenon I’ve experienced so often in my own relationships, one I know other women have as well:
I’m with my partner, and I reach out to relate to him in a romantic way, but he doesn’t respond. I know he loves me, so I can’t understand why he seems a little distant. When I ask him if something is wrong, he invariably replies, “No, nothing’s wrong.” I begin to feel frustrated and uncomfortable, because I’m trying to connect with him in an emotional way, but he is not reciprocating.
What’s actually happening in this situation? I am in my Love House, which is full of Love Rooms, and I am relating to my mate in a loving, intimate way, only he is not in his Love Room! Maybe he’s in the Work Room of his mind, and is thinking about a project he needs to complete; maybe he’s in the Money Room of his mind, and is contemplating what to do about his investments; maybe he is in his Relaxing Room watching TV or surfing the Internet on his computer. Suddenly, there I am wanting to relate to him emotionally, which he translates as my wanting him to go to his Love Room, where he can be with me that way. But he doesn’t want to go to his Love Room – he’s busy in some other room of his consciousness.
Of course, if I don’t understand this concept of the Love Room, then I don’t realize that my partner is not available to me emotionally at that moment – it just feels as though he is somehow shutting me out. And here’s the most unfortunate part: Since my partner is not in his Love Room, my attempt to connect emotionally can feel to him as if I’m trying to control him, or tell him what to do.
So, when I say to my mate, “What’s wrong?” it probably feels as if I am actually saying: “Why aren’t you in your Love Room right now? Why can’t you just drop everything and go there so we can be romantic?” This explains the reactions women often get from men – ranging from amusement, mild annoyance, impatience, and irritation all the way up the scale to anger and shutting down – when we try to create an emotional or romantic moment out of the blue. We’re trying to love him; he feels like we’re trying to make him shift out of the state of awareness he is in and drag him into his Love Room!!
Recently my partner and I went on a brief vacation and had a delightful and romantic time. The morning of the day we were leaving, we felt so close, and commented on how wonderful the trip had been. A few hours later, we left for the airport to fly home. After we checked in for our flight, I noticed that my partner seemed to have become a little distant. He wasn’t responding to me in the same way as earlier in the day, and felt kind of far away.
“Is something wrong, darling?” I asked.
“No,” he replied. But something had changed and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I began to feel agitated and worried. What could be going on? I continued to ask him if he was all right during our first flight, and during our wait at the second airport for the connecting flight, and of course the more I tried to get him to talk, the farther and farther away he seemed to go. By the time we got home late that evening, things just felt awful.
The next day, everything was fine again. But I was still perplexed. What had happened during our trip home to create such an upset feeling between us?
Then, it dawned on me. When my mate and I were on vacation at the hotel, it was as if he spent the whole time in the Love Room of his consciousness. He had no work, no obligations, and gladly went to that part of himself where he could connect with me emotionally and romantically. Then we left for home, and without my realizing it, he left his Love Room and moved into his Traveling-on-a-Journey Room, in which he was focused on the logistics of dealing with taxis, airports, crowds, finding gates, etc.
I, too, was paying attention to the details of our trip and went to a more businesslike portion of my awareness. However, being a woman, I brought the Love Room consciousness with me. So there I was snuggling up to him while we waited for the plane, talking about romantic things we’d done on our vacation, trying to continue the same mood we’d shared during those few days, totally unaware that he had checked out of his Love Room hours before! No wonder I felt sort of abandoned and alone – he was no longer keeping me company in the Love Room. And no wonder he felt irritated – it appeared to him that I wasn’t acknowledging or approving of his choice to shift gears.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman tries to connect with you emotionally, she doesn’t realize you may not be in your Love Room.
WHAT MEN CAN DO:
When you notice your partner looking for you in your Love Room, and you’re not there at the moment, either make an attempt to meet her there, or gently let her know you are in a different mode.
When your woman comes knocking on the door of your Love Room, she is hoping to find you there. So when she discovers the room is empty, and you aren’t where you were, say, the hour before or the night before, she can become confused and hurt, and feel as if somehow, you’ve gone away. When you notice her looking at you sort of bewildered, and asking “What’s wrong?” remind yourself that it’s likely you’re not in your Love Room, but she’s in one of hers. She’s not trying to criticize you for where you are – she’s just trying to make a connection. (I’ll talk a lot more about this later in the book.)
Then, you have two choices:
1 You can make a quick visit to your Love Room, if that works for you, shifting into Love mode for a minute to give her a hug, or say something sweet.
2 You can let her know that you’re in a different room of your consciousness at the moment – thinking about work, concentrating on driving, trying to look something up on your computer, and that you’ll try to meet her in your Love Room a little later.
I’ve suggested this remedy to many couples, and they’ve all reported great results. One man told me recently that he and his wife developed a kind of verbal shorthand to communicate with each other about their emotional moods. When he notices her trying to connect with him emotionally, he will say “Honey, are you in your Love Room right now?” This way he can be sure of what her intention is in trying to get him to talk or be affectionate or whatever. When she answers, “Yes I am!” and he knows he’s not in that same mode, he sweetly replies, “Well, I’m not in my Love Room right now, but I appreciate you stopping by, and maybe I’ll catch you later!” That’s all she needs to hear in order to know that her husband appreciates her attempt to connect, and isn’t connecting the way she would like him to not because anything is wrong, but because he is occupied in another room of his consciousness.
In some of the chapters that follow, I’ll suggest really simple and effective techniques that can help take a man to his Love Room with very little effort.
WHY WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
Are you beginning to understand how differently men and women see themselves when it comes to love? This contrast has its source in the way we each value ourselves as a human being:
Women define and value themselves by how successfully they love and relate. Men define and value themselves by how successfully they achieve and accomplish.
How did men and women get to be this way? The reasons are sociological and cultural, going back thousands and thousands of years. Simply put, in more primitive times, a man’s value was measured by his ability to hunt and provide his family or group with food, his ability to defend himself and those he was responsible for, and his standing in the tribe or community. His success at these tasks literally meant life or death for him and those he loved. Still today, society judges men on how much money they make, how high up the ladder of success they’ve climbed, how successful they are at “hunting” as demonstrated by their house, their car, their clothing, etc.
A woman in primitive times, on the other hand, was valued for very different characteristics – her ability to take care of a man and their children, her ability to emotionally and sexually satisfy him and thereby keep him interested enough to continue providing for and protecting her, her ability to get along with him, his relatives, and the other members of the community. Her success at these tasks also had life-or-death consequences, for females who did not please men and win their favor had no way to take care of themselves and ultimately would perish.
Now it’s becoming clear why women put love first: We have done it for thousands of years. Our very survival depended on it. We have learned to maintain a continual awareness of the state of our love life, doing our best to make sure everything is okay, that there aren’t any problems we’re overlooking, that our partner is still happy with us. So when things are good in our relationship, we feel good about ourselves, and when they’re not, we feel unsettled and insecure.
This explains a secret all women know about ourselves: No matter how smoothly things are going in our professional life, or with our projects, hobbies, and interests, if there’s a problem in our intimate relationship, we’re miserable. We could be having a fantastic day at the office, but if things are bad at home, it ends up feeling like a bad day. It doesn’t even have to be a substantial problem – maybe we just had a little argument with our husband the night before – but that will be enough to make our heart ache all day long, in spite of whatever accomplishments we experience at work.
I will confess that I’ve experienced this time and time again in my own life. I could be having the most exciting day doing a TV show, promoting a new book, or giving a seminar to thousands of people, but if there’s some lack of harmony in my relationship with my partner, it’s very difficult for me to fully feel the joy of my achievements. Why? Because like many women, I define myself so strongly by the big part of my Love Pie – the content of my heart, and the state of love in my life. The truth is that all the applause or book sales or attention in the world can’t remove the sadness I feel when my mate and I aren’t as connected as I want to be.
Most men experience the opposite of this phenomenon: If things are wonderful with their love life, but they’re having a bad day at work, it is difficult for them to feel good. Why? Because men also tend to define themselves by the big part of their Love Pie – only in the case of men, it’s their achievements in their career, their accomplishments in the world, how well they think they’re measuring up to their image of who they think they should be.
One of the hardest lessons about love I have had to learn as a woman has to do with not misinterpreting a man’s behavior just because he doesn’t respond as I do. When a man doesn’t seem to want to give us as much time, attention, and focus as we think he should, our tendency is to assume that something is wrong. We think, “If I was behaving that way, it would mean that I was really angry with him, or that I didn’t care, or that he wasn’t that important to me.”
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women sometimes assume that your lack of focus on the relationship means that you don’t love us or care as much as we do.
This is why we get upset or hurt when you don’t put us first – because we want to feel you are as committed to the relationship as we are, and that you value us as much as we value you.
I agree that, as women, we need to remember that men are different, and that they don’t always show their commitment to love in the same way we do. But you can help us out a lot, guys, first by understanding why we get so disappointed, concerned, or upset when it looks to us like you don’t care, or that you’re not taking us into account, or that you’re not valuing the relationship; and second by not making us feel wrong for our emotional reactions.
HOW TO APPLY THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND WHY YOU SHOULD WANT TO
Men, I am going to be making this point over and over again throughout the book: Each time you refuse to understand why your mate is feeling upset about something, whether you realize it or not you end up causing or exacerbating the very behaviors and emotions you dislike in her! In other words, she may not start out feeling insecure – she’s just behaving in ways women do when they put love first – but your critical reaction to her behavior alarms her, and then she does begin feeling insecure.
In my years working with thousands of women, and in the research and interviews I did for the book, this information is one of the most essential things women wanted men to know.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When you don’t make an effort to understand a little bit more about why women are the way they are, you can unwittingly contribute to the very behaviors in your partner that you can’t stand!
Remember the story I presented earlier about the woman whose husband didn’t call her from his out-of-town trip? He couldn’t understand why she was so upset and accused her of being insecure for needing to speak with him. Well, the reason she was upset was simple: She was imagining herself in her husband’s situation, and she knew that if she had been the one who was out of town, and didn’t call home for almost twenty-four hours, it would have meant that she was deliberately avoiding him, and that something was terribly wrong. She would have never not checked in with him, so she concluded that his not checking in with her meant he didn’t care about her feelings.
Her husband didn’t understand this principle. He just knew that she was upset, and this made him feel a bunch of feelings he didn’t want to feel: that he’d done something wrong; that he’d somehow upset her; that she had certain expectations of him that took away his sense of being independent and free; that suddenly there was a problem between them. Rather than taking the time to understand why she might have been upset, or expressing his remorse for worrying her, he blamed her for being upset in the first place. It was as if he was saying: “You’re upset because there is something wrong with you, and not because of anything I may have done or not done.”
His wife received this message loud and clear. What was the result? It only made her feel worse, and actually created the very insecurity he accused her of The more he invalidated her feelings and attributed them to her neediness rather than to her love, the more hurt and worried she became.
Guys, this story is a perfect illustration of why I believe you should be motivated to put what you’ve read here into practice. Wouldn’t it be great to know that, by handling conversations or situations with your mate just a little differently, you could prevent many of the upsets and stressful moments that you dread in your relationship? When you try some of what I suggest in the following section, you will be amazed to see how well the woman you love responds.
Here’s a summary of what I think are the most important points to remember about everything we’ve been discussing. Men, this is the section where you can really get the bottom-line information that will help you understand and get along better with your partner. And ladies, this is the part of the chapter you want to show to your husband or boyfriend even if he hasn’t read the rest!
# 1 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to invest time and energy into our relationship.
We want to talk to our man, be with him, work on staying connected.
We want to make plans, to create special memories.
We want to do whatever we can to make the relationship close, strong and lasting.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
You think we aren’t independent enough.
You think we are too needy.
You think we are insecure.
You think we want to control you by making you give us your time and attention.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women think of love as our job.
That is why we always want to work on it, because we feel if things are not going well in our relationship, it means that somehow we have failed to do our job properly.
So when we are trying to talk to you about “us” or get you to make plans to spend time together, or when we seem to be too “into” you, it’s NOT because we are insecure or needy; it’s NOT because we are trying to control you. It’s because we are trying to create the best relationship possible. It’s because we are trying to improve and develop our most valued investment. It’s because we are doing what our heart tells us is our job – to put love first.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how much attention we put into wanting to create a wonderful relationship, rather than criticizing us for how focused we are on it.
We would love it if you let us know you value our dedication and cherish our devotion as beautiful qualities rather than thinking we are neurotic.
We would love it if, when we try to plan time with you, you remind yourself we are doing this because we love you, NOT because we’re trying to control your time.
#2 What Women Do When We Put Love First:
We always want to work on the relationship.
We want to continually improve things, to become closer and more intimate.
We want to know if there is a problem, and then we want to fix it.
We persist in trying to find out how a man is feeling when we suspect he may not be happy with us.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
You think we’re too obsessive and can’t just relax and let things be.
You think we are too emotional and reactive.
You think we’re criticizing you and saying you aren’t good enough.
You think we want to control you and tell you how to do things.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are fierce protectors of love.
Because love is so important to women, we feel a responsibility to maintain and protect it. That is why we are always evaluating our relationship to see if there are any problems lurking about, or any issues we need to deal with, so they don’t blow up into major stumbling blocks. All of the time and energy women put into trying to work on the relationship are just reflections of her commitment to love, and her commitment to you – she is investing in and attempting to protect her most valuable asset.
Women have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you “What’s wrong?” or suggest we talk about a problem, it’s NOT because we are trying to “stir things up” or ruin your peaceful evening; it’s NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It’s because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It’s because we care so much, and don’t want to lose you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how concerned we are about the state of our relationship, and how diligently we try to pinpoint and eliminate tension and problems before they become damaging.
We would love it if you would see our desire to work on the relationship as an expression of our passion for you, rather than a sign that we are obsessed with making everything perfect and that we’ll never be satisfied.
We would love it if you took the initiative to notice where the relationship could improve, and expressed a desire to work on it, rather than waiting for us to always be the one to bring up issues so we look like the “troublemaker.”
How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here’s a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you’ve learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a women puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.
HOW MEN CAN RESPOND WHEN THEY REMEMBER THAT WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend tries to make plans with you for an upcoming weekend.
INCIDENT: Your wife says she was worried when you didn’t call when you were working very late one night.
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend asks you what’s bothering you because you’ve been very quiet during dinner.
INCIDENT: Your wife gives you this book and suggests you both read it to help improve your relationship.
Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman’s behavior when she is putting love first – assumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!
DON’T EXPECT YOUR WOMAN TO LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN
To the men reading this: I know that, in spite of how hard I’ve worked here to explain that women put love first, you may still be secretly grumbling to yourself: “Why can’t a woman’s Love Pie look more like mine? Mine is much more reasonable – a little slice focused on love and the rest focused on life. This is a much more sane way to live. Why does she have to be so focused on me all the time? Why do I have to read charts about how to talk to her? Why can’t it all be much simpler?”
This complaint reminds me of an experience I had many years ago. I was in a serious relationship with a man I loved very much. We were in the middle of a difficult discussion about “us” – you know, one of those talks that makes men want to flee – and I was trying to explain why I needed him to check in with me more often, plan more time with me, and not disappear for days on end when I didn’t hear from him. He listened to my arguments silently, and then responded:
“Why can’t you focus on your own life and not think so much about me?” he asked with annoyance. “I wish you could just do your own thing, concentrate on your work, your projects and your interests, and then, if I happen to call you, you’d say casually ‘Oh hello, it’s nice to hear from you. I’ve been very busy. Well, how are you?’ Instead,” he continued, “when I call you now, you are so excited, and when I don’t call, you get upset and make it a big deal. Why can’t you just be more into yourself, and not so concerned with me?”
“In other words,” I replied sarcastically, “you wish I were a man!”
“No, I didn’t say that,” he retorted. “I just wish you weren’t so focused on love all the time.”
“Like I said,” I continued, “you wish I were a man!”
“Why do you keep repeating that? I don’t want a man – I just want you to not care so much about whether I call you or we see each other, to go ahead with your own life and if I show up, I show up.”
“I hear you,” I responded with irritation. “You wish I were a man! I keep saying that because that’s who you’re describing!”
I share this story as a response to those men who, after taking in all the information in this chapter, still might be lamenting, as Professor Henry Higgins sang in the classic Broadway musical My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” You have several choices if you really feel this way:
1. You can change your sexual preference and not have to deal with women at all. (This is probably not an option for most of you!)
2. You can find a woman who is cut off from the female part of herself and demands very little from you and from love. (This may feel comfortable for a while, but eventually, you will feel emotionally frustrated and ripped off.)
OR…
3. You can learn to understand why women are the way we are, and appreciate our nature rather than resist it.
Personally, I recommend the third option. As you’ll see throughout the rest of this book, the more you value and honor the love a woman has for you, the more she will end up giving you exactly what you want and need, offering you satisfaction and contentment in ways you couldn’t even have imagined.
Let me share a story with you about a man I knew who ended up breaking his own heart because he turned away from a woman who put love first, thinking it would be easier to be with a woman who didn’t care as much. Jonathan was in his thirties and had been living with his girlfriend, Kristen, for two years. Kristen was a bright, warm, and energetic person who adored Jonathan and wanted to spend her life with him. Although Jonathan deeply loved Kristen, he had a difficult time with how much she loved him. She was devoted, thoughtful, consistent, and definitely a woman who put love first, and it sometimes felt overwhelming to Jonathan, who thought of himself as very independent and unconventional.
I remember a conversation I had with Jonathan in which he confessed that he was craving his freedom and fantasizing about being in a less demanding relationship. “It just feels like it’s too much,” he complained.
“Jonathan,” I suggested, “I don’t think Kristen is doing anything but loving you. She’s offered you her whole heart. What’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Sometimes I wish she didn’t love me as much – it would make it easier to be with her.”
I was sad but not surprised when, several months later, Jonathan called to tell me that he had broken up with Kristen. I listened silently as he described a new woman he was dating, Abby, and how much more comfortable he felt. “Abby’s really different from Kristen,” he explained. “She’s not very emotional, not needy at all, and she gives me my space.”
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as Jonathan spoke about his new girlfriend. I suspected I knew the kind of woman he was talking about – a woman who had been hurt, had closed off her heart and thus demanded very little from the men in her life. My worries were corroborated when I met Abby. She was, indeed, cold and aloof. She treated Jonathan dispassionately, although he didn’t seem to notice any of this. He sat there with his arm around her making conversation, oblivious to the fact that, although she was pleasant, she was hardly paying any special attention to him. When Abby went to the restroom, Jonathan told me that he’d never felt so relaxed or free in a relationship in his life. “Naturally,” I thought to myself, “because you’re not really in an emotional relationship.” But I said nothing.
A few months later, I received a wedding invitation from Jonathan and Abby. I wanted to warn him of what I feared would be the inevitable painful outcome of his choice, but I bit my tongue and wished them the best in my heart. I couldn’t help thinking about Kristen and how devastated she would be when she found out Jonathan was marrying someone else.
What happened to Jonathan? Unfortunately, just what I thought would happen. At first, he felt relieved to be in a relationship that put so few emotional demands on him. But as time passed, he began to feel neglected by Abby. She didn’t seem to care what he did, where he went, or what was going on inside of him. She didn’t make any efforts to spend intimate time together. She wasn’t too interested in sex, and seemed content to focus on her career, hang out with her friends, and decorate their house. Basically, she just left Jonathan alone.
Slowly, Jonathan realized that he was starving for attention and affection. He began thinking about Kristen, remembering how much in love with him she’d been, and he found himself longing to feel that loved again. When he tried to talk to Abby about his needs, she showed no interest in working out their problems, insisting that she felt everything was just fine the way it was. Finally, Jonathan accepted the inevitable – he had made a terrible mistake. He had married the wrong woman.
Jonathan called me a year later to tell me he was getting a divorce. He was depressed and lonely. He’d contacted Kristen, secretly hoping that she would take him back, and was heartbroken to find she was engaged to be married to someone else. “I blew it,” he confessed to me, his voice choked with tears. “What was I thinking? Why did I convince myself I would be better off with a woman who didn’t know how to love?”
What’s the answer? Why did Jonathan turn away from the deep love he shared with Kristen for the hands-off, dispassionate kind of relationship he had with Abby? Because it seemed easier. Because it put no demands on him. Because it supported the illusion that, if he was free to do as he pleased without having to pay attention to a woman’s needs, he would be happy. Of course, Jonathan was wrong. He made a tragic mistake that many men make – he did not value the presence of a woman in his life who put love first.
Remember, men: A woman with an open, loving, passionate heart is offering you a profound gift. She is not trying to take anything from you, but rather give you her love, her commitment, her devotion, her joy. Not all women are capable of doing this. If you have one who is, hold tightly to her and thank your lucky stars that you found her.
LEARNING TO CELEBRATE YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE
A few days ago, I sent this chapter to a female friend of mine and asked her if she would read it and give me some feedback. As soon as she was finished, she called me. “Do you know how I felt reading this?” she asked. “I felt normal. It’s not like I haven’t heard some of this information before, or that I didn’t know how important love was to me. But to have it presented in the way you did helped me become more accepting of myself, and less judgmental. The truth is that for years, I’ve beat myself up for doing what I thought was loving too much. It feels so much better to think of my loving heart as a gift, not a weakness.”
I was so gratified to hear my friend’s reaction to this information, for that has been one of my main intentions in writing this chapter, and the others to follow in this section – to help women accept and love themselves more for who they are and the powerful way in which they love.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW:
Having a tender, open heart is not a curse, but a blessing. Loving deeply and with devotion is not a mistake, but a gift. Putting love first is not a weakness, but an expression of who you are as a woman.
It is difficult to always remember this when we spend our lives defending how we love to men, and when we are constantly told that something is wrong with us for giving so much of ourselves in a relationship. I’ve struggled with this dilemma myself ever since I can remember, wondering if I wouldn’t somehow be better off if my heart was less open. I remember going to see a psychic once and complaining about how deeply I loved, and how much I felt. She looked at me and said, “Barbara, you worked hard for lifetimes to learn how to love this much. Don’t apologize for it. It’s a reward. You’ve earned it.”
This wise woman’s words shot through me like a bolt of lightning. I knew instinctively that what she was telling me was true. My ability to love so completely was indeed a blessing. Over the years, I’ve had to continually remind myself that putting love first is not a “problem” I have, or an unhealthy habit I need to get rid of – it is the way I am as a woman. When I am putting love first, I am surrendering to my most essential and joyous nature.
I believe that when we as women learn to celebrate our ability to love deeply, and to honor ourselves for our beautiful, abundant hearts, we will make it easier for the men in our lives to do the same.
Perhaps you’re a woman reading this chapter and having a different experience from that of my friend. Perhaps you’re thinking that the information doesn’t completely apply to you, because your heart doesn’t feel as loving as you think it should. Sometimes life’s painful experiences can cause a woman to shut down her heart, to vow never to put love first again.
If you grew up in an emotionally cold family, for instance, you may have made an unconscious decision as a young girl that it wasn’t safe to share your love and open yourself to intimacy. A painful childhood can put a damper on a woman’s inherent tendency to love deeply. The love is there, but you just don’t allow yourself to let it flow.
Sometimes it’s what happens to us as an adult that drives us to turn away from loving. An emotionally damaging relationship with a man can leave a woman feeling wounded and closed off. Often women who’ve been hurt will consciously take their focus off of love, and put it exclusively on work and career, hoping to avoid more pain. Their Love Pie may look more like a traditional male’s, with very little conscious focus on relationships. This “love reversal” is a form of protection. It’s as if we unconsciously decide to become more cold and unfeeling – like the people who’ve hurt us.
Whenever I work with women who have wounded hearts, I discover that deep inside, their longing for intimacy and connection is just as powerful as ever – its the willingness to seek it out that has changed. So perhaps you might say that for these women, their outer Love Pie looks more like a man’s, but their “inner” Love Pie is still more traditionally female.
Perhaps you’ve had times in your life when you’ve been that wounded woman. Perhaps you’re still there and are struggling to break free of those emotional chains and love again. I hope that the information I’ve presented will help you begin to heal your judgments about yourself, to love and accept yourself the way you are, and cherish the gift of your beautiful heart.
If you are a man who has loved or does love a wounded woman, know that what you’ll learn from this book will help you to help her learn to trust her own love again. The more you let her know what a gift her love is to you, the more she will begin to value herself as a woman.
I couldn’t resist the last example!
2 WOMEN ARE CREATORS (#ulink_2549f817-764b-58ec-b404-f67444d0a263)
Why do women always want to make things better?Why do we feel compelled to talk about the problemsin our relationship with our partner?Why do we feel the need to help when we see theman we love going through a hard time?Why do we so enjoy making plans?Why do we work so hard to ensure harmonywith our lover?
In this chapter, I’m going to share with you a second secret about who women are that’s the motivation for so much of how we behave in relationships. It is one of the most beautiful qualities women possess, one that is such an integral part of our psyche that we don’t even think about it. And it’s the answer to all of the above questions.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women are creators.
It is a woman’s nature to create. Women are life-givers. This is our mystery and our magic – we have the power to bring forth something out of nothing.
This ability to give birth to life is most obvious when we become mothers and bring a child into the world. But whether or not we have children, as women we are always giving birth: always creating something where nothing existed before, if not with our bodies, then with our words, our actions, our love. We do this when we give birth to a delicious meal for our family, or a party for a friend, or a bedtime story for our child, or a more effective way to market our company’s product, or an intimate conversation with our partner, or a display of flowers in a vase.
As creators, women are also alchemists; we change the form of things. We transmute the ordinary into the beautiful, the empty into the meaningful, that which was struggling into that which suddenly flourishes. We rarely encounter things that we do not feel inspired or at least tempted to improve upon, whether it’s the way a room is decorated or the way a friend is handling a problem in her relationship, the way we are wearing our hair or the way we have organized our jewelry in a drawer, the way our partner set the table for dinner or the way the two of us are communicating.
Women reading these words will feel a throb of recognition in their hearts. “Yes,” a voice within you says, “I know this to be true.” And for most women, it is. Yet our nature to create is so much a part of us, we rarely think about it or acknowledge it for what it is. We just do it. For instance:
When you first moved in, your empty house or apartment looked like nothing. But as you walked through the rooms, you thought, “I know just what to do to make it beautiful. I’m going to paint the walls a very pale peach; I’ll put my couch over here and my chairs over here; I’ll get a rug that will brighten up the floor; I’ll arrange my plants in these two corners.” And before long, it looked fantastic. Where there was nothing, you created a warm and inviting home. And it was the most natural thing in the world for you to do.
Your little girl comes to you and says, “Mommy, I need a costume for school tomorrow.” You have nothing ready-made, but you go through the house and gather up some colorful scarves, fabric leftovers, ribbons, old costume jewelry, and other odds and ends, and within a few hours, you’ve created a fabulous gypsy costume for your delighted daughter. Out of nothing, you gave birth to something.
It’s Saturday morning, and your husband is sleeping late, exhausted from a difficult week of work. He seemed depressed last night, and it frustrates you to see him so down. You sit at the kitchen table drinking your coffee, and suddenly, a plan emerges in your mind. Quickly, you begin to put it into action. You prepare his favorite breakfast; you look through the paper and find an ad for the Electronics Expo that’s in town for the weekend; you make a reservation at a restaurant he loves for dinner that evening, and call his best friend and his wife, inviting them to join you. By the time he wakes up, you greet him with delicious pancakes, plans to go to the Expo, and dinner reservations with people he really enjoys. He is thrilled. You transformed what probably would have been a depressing day into a string of fun-filled events that will cheer him up and give him a chance to unwind.
All of the above scenarios sound lovely, and harmless enough, don’t they? How, then, could a woman’s creative expression be a problem in her relationship with a man? Read on to learn how women create, yet why it’s easy for a man to misinterpret and misunderstand a woman’s creative instincts.
HOW WOMEN CREATE, AND WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW
1. Manifesting
Manifesting means creating what wasn’t there before. Women love to manifest. The very act of starting with nothing and ending up with something thrills us in a deep pan of our being.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women like to manifest beauty, celebration, connection, and love that did not exist before. When we do this, we feel a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose.
This joy we experience in manifesting expresses itself in big and small ways every day:
We hear that a friend is coming to town and quickly create an impromptu party around her visit.
We find ourselves with a weekend free of obligations and plan a last-minute excursion to the country for ourselves and the man we love.
We share some of our deep feelings with our partner while walking in the park, and all at once what was just a stroll transforms into a sweet experience of intimacy.
We buy a little table, place some pictures on it, and turn what was an empty corner of a room into an attractive area.
We receive a necklace as a gift, and build our whole outfit around it when we get dressed for work the next day.
We overhear our husband mention to a friend a computer game he’s interested in, and when he’s at work that day, we search the Internet until we find the product and order it for him as a surprise.
When women manifest, they can create a special moment, an experience for others to share, an improvement in the environment, something beautiful to look at, or something that brings another person joy.
Another way women manifest is in creating and re-creating ourselves. All you need to do for proof of this is to walk into any major department store and look around at the cosmetics department. There before you are dozens upon dozens of counters, each displaying hundreds of shades of eye shadow and lipstick, powder and blush, along with innumerable bottles of perfume, body lotion, and every other potion you could imagine. In front of those counters are hundreds of women trying on makeup, testing new scents, and enjoying themselves immensely. Men imagine this scene and roll their eyes, perhaps concluding that women are vain or superficial. But what’s happening in this store isn’t vanity – it’s creativity. It is women creating a look, an image, using their own face as a canvas as they become the artist.
It is the same with clothing, or jewelry, or any of the other ways women adorn our bodies – these female pastimes are all means for the female creative urge to express itself. This is why so many women love to shop, even when we don’t buy anything – we are doing research for our next creative undertaking!
These are things we and other women understand, but have a difficult time explaining to men. Why, for instance, do we need new makeup when we already own a drawerful of it? And must we really have so many different shades of lipstick? I mean, how many kinds of red are there? Women know the answers to these questions, of course: There are many kinds of red, and yes, they are all different, and yes, we need new makeup once in a while, just as an artist needs new paints and brushes.
Last week I decided to treat myself to a manicure and pedicure in a little beauty salon down the street from my house. I sat there in a chair watching all the other female customers and concluded that this salon was a hotbed of female creativity, a perfect example of what I’ve written about in this section of the book. Each woman who came in took time to carefully look over the hundreds of bottles of polish, seriously examining this one and that one before she chose the color that would be applied to her fingernails or toenails. Not just any red would do this week – it had to be a blue-red, as opposed to a fire engine red, or a coral red. Or maybe since last week it was red, this week it would be a dark chocolate color. Or for fun, icy blue! The nails had to be shaped just so, perhaps square or oval or round – each woman definitely had her preference. Any man who ever thought women were wishy-washy or indecisive should come to a beauty salon, where after witnessing the precision with which women choose their nail polish color and shape, he would change his mind forever!
What is it that a woman is actually doing in the beauty salon? She is turning her hands and feet into a work of art, decorating them for the enjoyment of herself and the man who might happen to have the good fortune to gaze upon her shimmering toenails. She is taking a few moments out of her busy day to express her creativity by choosing that hot pink polish. She is manifesting: Where there once were dull, boring toes, now there are exciting, sexy toes!
WHY WOMEN LOVE TO FILL A SPACE AND MAKE PLANS
One morning while Kim and her husband are having breakfast, she decides to discuss the schedule for a weekend coming up the following month.
“Listen, Eric, I wanted to remind you that Aimee is going to be on a trip with her school on the weekend after Easter, and since we have those days all to ourselves, I thought we should plan something special.”
“That’s weeks away” Eric responds casually, going back to reading his paper. “Let’s talk about it later.”
“But darling,” she replies, trying again, “it’s so rare that we have time together alone, and I just felt the sooner we discussed it, the more options we would have for doing something really terrific.”
“Why do we have to talk about it now? I don’t even know what I’ll be in the mood to do tomorrow, let alone next month. Besides, I don’t see what the rush is.”
“Well, I just don’t like not knowing what we’re going to do that weekend,” Kim explains. “Can’t you just focus on it for five minutes with me?”
Eric grabs his paper and gets up from the table. “I can’t do this now, Kim,” he says in a tense voice. “I really can’t.” And he leaves the room.
Kim sits staring at her calendar, feeling hurt and disappointed. The empty squares marking that weekend stare back at her.
Men and women have very different reactions to this story when I share it with them at my seminars. The men make comments like:
“Boy, can I relate to this. My wife tries to get me to plan every second of my free time, and I hate it I think she gets a kick out of locking me into a schedule.”
“The woman is trying to control her husband’s time, to pin him down so she can be in charge.”
“Kim is obviously insecure and high strung. Why else would she need to have every little detail of her life figured out in advance?”
The women, on the other hand, make these kinds of comments:
“I could scream, hearing this story. I go through this with my boyfriend all the time. He refuses to make plans, so I never have anything to look forward to.”
“Eric is a typical man. What is their problem with planning ahead? It just sets up his wife to look like a nag when she brings it up the next time.”
“This is one of my biggest complains about men – that they just seem oblivious to what’s happening around them. Doesn’t he realize that it takes time to plan special experiences? Kim’s just trying to be a good wife, and he isn’t respecting her at all.”
What do the women see in this scenario that the men are missing? They understand what Kim is doing, because it is something all women do. They know she is doing much more than trying to make plans, or get her schedule sorted out – Kim is filing the space.
Filling the space is what women do when we see an empty table, and think about what we could put on it to make it look better; it’s what we do when there is an awkward silence in a conversation and we invent something clever to say to help break the ice; it’s what we do when we see a vacation is coming up, and we start fantasizing about where we could go with our lover.
This term describes one of the ways women express their desire to create – we like to fill up what is empty. Women’s creative force is stimulated by emptiness. It is as if when we see something that is empty or blank, we feel the need to fill it, to manifest something in that space so that it becomes occupied with life, with beauty, with love.
What is it about emptiness, whether in a space or a conversation or a calendar, that urges a woman’s creativity into action? Is it because in the sexual act, we feel the primal urge to fill the physical space inside ourselves with a man? Or is it something in our genetic makeup as life-givers that makes an empty space too tempting? Whatever the cause, one thing is certain – women like filling space with our energy.
One of the most common ways women fill the space is by making plans. We love to plan. We love to take what was a blank space in the future and turn it into something exciting and meaningful. We don’t do this, as some men conclude, out of insecurity or a need to control our partner’s time. We plan because it is a way for us to honor time, as we will see in Chapter 3, and because when we plan, we give our creative power a wonderful outlet in which to express itself.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women love making plans because it allows us to fill up an empty space in time with our love, our passion, and our creativity.
I don’t think men realize the joy women take in planning, especially when it involves their intimate relationship. That’s because for most men, planning is not an emotional activity as it is for most women. When a man plans, he is doing a task, figuring out the details. He is getting something off his to-do list, and then he moves on to the next thing. When women plan, however, it is an act of love. Whether it’s a party, an evening out, a vacation, or a special dinner, the process of planning becomes a channel through which a woman’s devotion can flow. It is as creative an act for her as painting a picture or composing a song. She is giving birth to an event, a happening, an opportunity for relaxation or romance or recreation. And this makes her very happy.
2. Improving
Improving is the second way a woman’s creative nature expresses itself. What’s the difference between manifesting and improving? Manifesting is creating from scratch: birthing something out of nothing. Improving, on the other hand, is taking something that already exists and making it better. It is rebirthing.
The urge to improve is so much a part of most women’s character that we’re not even aware of its almost omnipresent existence in our speech, behavior, and attitude toward others. We accept it in ourselves, just as we accept it in other women. It is just the way we are.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women see the potential in everything, and we want to help that potential grow. That is why we like to improve things.
The desire to improve what is within us and around us is really the act of seeing the potential in things, the possibility hidden beneath the surface, and doing what we can to help that potential manifest. Women seem to possess this kind of vision that sees the flower waiting to erupt from the seed, and also the tendency to nurture that seed until it blossoms. Perhaps this vision of potentiality is so strong in us because we are genetically designed to be mothers, to nurture what is small so that it can grow. We exercise this part of ourselves in big and small ways every day:
A coworker in your office shows you the new scarf her boyfriend just bought her. “Isn’t this lovely?” she says. “Tom gave it to me.”
“It’s gorgeous,” you reply. “What a great color for you.” Then, without even thinking, you add, “Here, let me just pull this part a bit tighter and tuck in these ends. Now it looks perfect. What do you think?”
Your friend looks in the mirror, and replies, “You’re right – it does look better. Thanks!” It was totally natural for you to want to improve upon the way she had tied the scarf. You saw a way it could be better. And she intuitively understood this, and welcomed your input.
Your sister invites you over to see her new couch and love seat. “What do you think?” she asks as you enter the living room. You stand back and assess the room, noticing how the furniture looks where it is, and then visualizing how it might look if it were rearranged.
“Have you thought about trying to switch the two pieces?” you suggest. “That way, you’ll have more space between the couch and the bookshelf.”
Your sister doesn’t hesitate for a moment. “Let’s try it and see how it looks,” she replies. The two of you slide the furniture around until it is arranged in a different configuration.
“What do you think?” you ask her, trying to catch your breath.
“You know, I like it better!” she says enthusiastically. “It isn’t so cluttered. I knew I needed your opinion. I’d lost perspective since I live here all the time.”
When you looked at your sister’s living room, your eye naturally noticed a way the furniture could look better. You didn’t try to scrutinize it – you just spontaneously saw how it could be improved.
You and a close friend who owns her own business are having lunch, and for the third time that week she’s complaining about one of her employees who’s not managing his department well. “I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your friend says, shaking her head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”
“Have you talked to him?” you ask.
“I’ve tried,” your friend replies with frustration, “but I just don’t seem to be getting through to him, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”
You ask your friend to replay her conversations with Louis for you, and as you listen, you get a sense of what the problem might be.
“You know, it sounds to me like you’ve been telling Louis what you’re unhappy with, but perhaps not asking enough questions about what’s going on with him. I mean, maybe he’s getting a divorce; maybe he has some family problem, or health concern that you don’t know about. What if you asked him what he thinks the problem might be?”
“That’s something I hadn’t thought of,” your friend admits. “I guess I was just hoping the problem would go away after my first warning to him, but obviously it hasn’t. Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to talk to him as soon as I get back to the office.”
As you heard your friend lament over her office problem, your mind instantly began searching for a solution. You weren’t trying to tell her what to do – you simply saw a way she might handle things differently and you wanted to help.
Ladies, I’ll bet most of you can relate to all three of these examples. They illustrate how this tendency to improve is such an integral part of our consciousness. Notice that in the three stories, each of the women were grateful for the input they received. Why? Other women understand and accept this quality, the desire to improve, for it is who they are as well.
Now for a contrast, imagine the first two scenarios enacted by two men instead of two women:
The new item of clothing: First of all, a guy wouldn’t show off the new tie his girlfriend bought him to his male coworker. Second, the coworker wouldn’t comment that the tie needed to be straightened, let alone just reach out and do it. And third, if he did, the guy with the tie would feel like his boundaries had been violated, not to mention probably make assumptions, correct or not, about his coworker’s sexual preference.
The furniture: A man wouldn’t ask the opinion of his friend or relative about how his furniture was arranged, let alone care that much one way or the other himself. If he was asked, the brother would probably just look at the couch and love seat and say, “Nice,” and that would be that. Finally, if he did offer to rearrange things just to see how they looked, his brother who owned the house would probably say, “I don’t want to deal with it right now. Let’s go watch the game on TV.”
What’s my point? It’s that men don’t have this nonstop creative urge to improve things. Not only that, they actually interpret offers of help or advice as unnecessary, unwelcome, and intrusive.
Take the last story, for instance, and this time, imagine that instead of two friends having lunch, it’s a husband with the employee problem having a meal with his wife. Let’s replay the conversation as it would probably unfold:
“I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your husband says, shaking his head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately, he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”
“Have you talked to him?” you ask.
“I’ve tried,” your husband replies with frustration. “But I just don’t seem to be making any headway, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”
“Why don’t you tell me about your conversations with Louis, and maybe I can help figure out a better way to get through to him,” you suggest.
“It’s no big deal. I’ll figure something out,” your husband answers.
“But I have some ideas about what might be happening,” you explain, “and I really think we could come up with a solution if we discussed it. After all, honey, it’s been bothering you all week.”
“Look, I can handle it myself, okay? I don’t want to get into a big discussion about it right now,” he says in a tense voice. “I’m sorry you don’t approve of the way I’m dealing with it. Let’s just change the subject.” Ouch. This conversation certainly had a different ending than the one between the two girlfriends. What happened? The woman’s husband misinterpreted her desire to help him improve a situation he was dealing with as criticism and control, rather than seeing it as an expression of her love and concern for him.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman wants to improve something, whether in her environment or her relationship, it isn’t because she disapproves of it – it’s because she sees the potential for making it better.
Women are natural fixers, natural healers, natural helpers. We are always on the lookout for whatever or whoever needs assistance. If we hear just a little change of tone in our baby’s cry while she’s in her crib, we quickly go in to check and make sure she’s all right. If we see a woman in a store struggling to zip up the back of her dress, we volunteer to help. If we know a friend is going through a difficult time, we call just to see if she needs anything. If we sense our lover is having a rough day, we ask him what’s wrong, and if there’s anything we can do.
Again, perhaps it is because we are genetically designed to be mothers that we have such an elaborate system of built-in radar that detects need in others. Over and over again in my interviews with women for this book, they asked me to explain this to men: When a woman is trying to help or improve something in her relationship with you, she isn’t doing it out of a desire to criticize or make you feel wrong – she’s doing it out of love, and with a vision of the potential for something even greater to blossom between you.
WHY MEN FEEL CONTROLLED WHEN WOMEN’S CREATIVE ENERGY FLOWS
I believe that, at times, men love the part of a woman that is a “manifester” and “improver,” but they can also fear and mistrust it. There is a force to that expression of a woman’s nature that often makes men uncomfortable, like gazing upon a rushing body of water that can’t be stopped as it moves forward. They know they are witnessing something intense, something powerful, and something that appears, at times, almost relentless in its mission to manifest a particular outcome. And in a way, they are right – for when a woman is in a creative mode, she is tapping into the primordial life force that reverberates deep inside of her Whether she is conscious of this or not, she is, in that moment, a channel for what the Eastern mystics call the shakti, the life-giving principle, the creative power that is responsible for every form of manifestation.
Here’s an important point I want to share with you: The intensity of the creative life force manifesting itself in a woman’s behavior or intention can mistakenly appear aggressive, domineering, and controlling to a man.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
A woman’s tendency to create or improve can be misinterpreted by men as tendency to control.
Men, a woman could be expressing her tendency to manifest or improve by planning a trip for the two of you, redecorating the bedroom, attempting to offer her suggestions for a problem you’ve been having with a coworker, proposing you both go to a therapist to work on your relationship, or asking you what you’d like for dinner – it often doesn’t matter what her specific behavior is – and somehow you end up feeling as if she is trying to control you, to get you to do things her way.
Let me share a story from my past that perfectly illustrates this point:
Many years ago when I was in one of my first serious relationships, my partner and I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean – neither of us had been there before and we agreed that we would treat ourselves and go. I asked him if he wanted to make the arrangements, and he suggested I go ahead and look into it. Our vacation was approaching in only four months, so I thought I’d better get started on the plans right away.
The next day I went to the bookstore and bought several guidebooks for the Caribbean islands. I began researching all of the different places we could stay, called the 800 numbers to order free brochures from various hotels, and got in touch with some friends who’d taken several trips to a number of islands to ask their opinion of the best places to visit. Within days, I had pages of data about every aspect of our upcoming journey.
One evening later that week, I enthusiastically showed my partner all the information I’d discovered, explaining in detail which hotels in our budget seemed best, which islands had the most features suited to our taste, and what airlines offered the most convenient and economical flights. I sat there bursting with excitement as I shared the results of my vacation project, and couldn’t wait to see my mate’s reaction, for I was certain he’d be so pleased with me and the thorough job I’d done.
You can imagine my surprise, therefore, when I finished my presentation and looked at my partner, only to discover that he had a horribly cold look on his face.
“Is something wrong?” I asked him. He didn’t respond; he just kept looking at me with that same uncomfortable stare.
“Didn’t you like the places I showed you?” I probed.
“They were fine,” he finally said in a flat voice, breaking the icy silence.
“But what’s the matter?” I pleaded. “Why do you look like you’re mad at me?”
“It’s just the way you did all of this,” he said in a sharp tone. “Why did you even bother telling me about it? I mean, it looks like you’ve already made up your mind about where you want to go and what you like best. Since it’s your plan, there’s really nothing for me to say.”
My plan? What was he talking about? It was our vacation. All I did was do the research. I couldn’t understand why he was so upset with me.
“But I thought you told me to go ahead and look into this,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d make it into a full-time job,” he retorted sarcastically. “As usual, you’re taking control and doing things your way.”
Tears began to fill my eyes, and trickle down my cheeks. “I wasn’t trying to take control,” I insisted, my voice trembling with emotion. “I was just trying to plan a wonderful vacation. And now you’ve ruined it!”
I forget how the conversation ended, but I remember exactly how I felt: I was shocked, confused, and very hurt. How could he interpret my trying to create the perfect vacation as controlling? My only intention had been to make him happy, and to get information that would help us make the best decisions. What had gone wrong?
Many years have passed since this incident, but I’ve experienced others like it over and over again, and heard countless stories from women about similar circumstances – she is happily in her creative mode, focused on a plan or project or purpose for herself and her partner, and he reacts with irritation, annoyance, or even anger. She ends up feeling hurt and unappreciated. He ends up feeling controlled and manipulated.
Why do men interpret a woman’s creative focus as an attempt to control them? The answer is complicated, but in part it has to do with a man’s need to feel autonomous, and his habit of rebelling when he feels he is being told what to do. (See Chapter 8 for more on this.) For instance, in the story about my boyfriend and the Caribbean trip, my thorough and passionate presentation of the travel information unconsciously made him feel as though he had no choice, as if I was announcing, “This is what we are doing.” Of course, that was not my intention at all; my theory is that he interpreted the intensity and detail of my communication almost as a command.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When a woman plans or suggests something for your relationship, she is not trying to control you – she is trying to contribute, to create more love and happiness.
HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:
Men often mistake a woman’s creative enthusiasm for domination, and the intensity of her passion for a direct order.
Remember: In most cases, a woman’s true intention really isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to share her input and offer her creative contribution, whether by planning a vacation or finding you a new doctor or suggesting she redecorate the living room, or asking that you spend some time together to talk about issues in your relationship.
Don’t mistake the intensity of her creative energy for a dominant attitude. Usually she’s not being aggressive – she’s just being enthusiastic. She’s not being controlling – she’s being caring.
WHAT MEN CAN DO:
1. When you find yourself feeling controlled by the woman in your life, ask yourself:
“What is her true intention in doing this?”
This is a powerful question that can snap you out of the unconscious reflex of concluding that she is controlling you. If you take the time to ask this question, you’ll probably discover the true answer within your own heart:
“She is doing this because she loves me.”
“She wants to manifest something wonderful or make something better, or plan something delightful, but her intention is not to control me.”
Note: I’m not saying there aren’t angry, controlling women out there. But I’ve found that much of the time when a man who’s in a pretty good relationship feels controlled, he’s misinterpreting his woman’s behavior in the ways you’ve been reading about.
2. Practice recognizing the things she does as expressions of her creative nature, rather than reacting to them in the old critical way.
HOW A WOMAN’S CREATIVE NATURE CAN BACKFIRE
The propensity to create something out of nothing is a woman’s blessing, but it can also be our curse. It is a blessing when we are inspired to decorate an empty house and turn it into a home, or create a costume for our child from scratch, or manifest a romantic evening for our mate. But it is a problem when we create an emotional problem where there really wasn’t any. Here are some examples I know every woman will relate to:
Your husband has a funny look on his face when he leaves the house, and you can’t get it out of your mind. All day long, you create scenario after scenario about what might be wrong, and by the time he comes home you are sure he wants a divorce and just hasn’t told you yet. Later, he tells you that he had a terrible case of indigestion.
You call your boyfriend at work to check on your plans together for the evening. He sounds distant, and not very excited about seeing you. When you get off the phone, you begin to worry. Maybe he’s feeling too cramped in the relationship, stifled because you’re spending so much time together. Maybe he’s trying to tell you that he wants to slow things down. When he comes over to pick you up for dinner, you are a nervous wreck. However, he is sweet and loving, as if everything is fine. Over your meal he tells you that he’d just come out of a very tense staff meeting when you called and had someone waiting in his office to speak with him about it.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
A woman’s habit of creating can sometimes work against us as we create unnecessary worry, insecurity, or fear about our relationship.
We admit it, guys: Women know we do this, and believe me, we don’t like this part of ourselves. So while we try to work on it (and that’s in another book!), we’d appreciate it if you can remember that when we get too creative and imagine things that aren’t there, you can help prevent a negative emotional spiral by telling us what’s going on with you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
When you realize we look or sound upset and you have no idea why, ASK US WHAT’S WRONG. This gives us an opportunity to tell you what we think is happening, so if we are mistaken, you can correct it, and we can avoid being upset over nothing.
If you notice in a particular moment that you aren’t feeling well, or are stressed or worried, try to let us know. You don’t have to go into details, but just informing us that you are anxious for some reason that has nothing to do with us, will allow us not to jump to the wrong conclusion and create a problem where there isn’t any.
I know that putting these suggestions into practice may feel unnatural at first, guys, but believe me, you will like the results: Your woman will be calmer, less emotionally reactive for no reason, and much more fun to be around.
3 WOMEN HAVE A SACRED RELATIONSHIP WITH TIME (#ulink_7d3bf672-f7c2-56b3-acd9-5ea7429379cc)
To really understand the nature of a woman, you have to understand the nature of her relationship with time. Learning how a woman experiences time, thinks about time, and makes decisions about time will teach you the secrets of her mind and heart. This is something you’ve probably never thought of before. Frankly, I hadn’t either until I began doing the research for this book. But as I interviewed women and collected questionnaires they’d filled out for me, a pattern began to emerge: Over and over again, what these women wanted men to know had something to do with time.
The more I thought about this, the more I realized that, indeed, issues about time are often at the very center of our love life. If you examine the disagreements, conflicts and areas of tension in your intimate relationship, you’ll discover, perhaps to your surprise, that many of them have to do with time. Here are some examples:
Conflicts over giving time:
Disagreeing about how much time you spend together
Disagreeing about how much intimate time is enough or too much
Disagreeing about staying in touch – phone calls, checking in, etc.
Wanting to spend time apart
Not understanding the importance of sharing special time
Promising time to someone or something else when your partner expected you to give her your time instead
Conflicts over remembering time:
Forgetting to perform promised tasks, such as making a reservation or passing on a message
Forgetting to ask how an important event in time turned out, like how her doctor’s appointment went or what happened at your child’s school meeting
Forgetting to inform her of something that affects the future, such as the fact that you’ll be out of town on the weekend of the big church social
Conflicts over respecting time:
Being late
Procrastinating about doing things you say you will do
Diminishing the significance of an event a woman thinks is important
Conflicts over planning time:
Waiting until the last minute to make plans
Criticizing your partner for wanting to plan in advance
Conflicts over celebrating time:
Disagreeing about how to celebrate special occasions
Disagreeing about what constitutes a special occasion
Forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Are you as amazed reading this list as I was? I’d never realized how many conflicts over time couples get into. However, once I thought back over my own relationships, I could see that time issues were often indeed the source of many disagreements. Getting this feedback from women made me decide to talk about time early on in this book.
Men and women have very different ways of relating to time, and these differences create continual misunderstandings between us that are the cause of ongoing conflict in our relationship.
To women, time is not simply something that passes, or a way to measure our experience of living. Time is something we are very intimate with, and therefore something we honor and hold sacred.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women have a sacred relationship with time
Why is this true for women? It is not something we are taught, or even something we are conscious of. Like our nature to put love first and to create, having a special and sacred relationship with time is part of who we are.
This intimate relationship with time is programmed into a woman’s biology. At this most fundamental level of our existence, women are intimately aware of the cycles of time in a way men are not, for our body cycles in a monthly rhythm. From the moment we begin menstruating as young girls, we become conscious of each day, each week that passes, waiting for another cycle to begin. This is where we first learn our habit of counting, and we never stop. The counting and watching of time continues through other cycles in different phases of our lives: when we are pregnant, as we count the months until our baby is born; when we have a child, and count the hours between feedings, and then later, the time between doctor’s visits, meals, and baths.
Let’s look at several ways a woman’s relationship with time manifests itself in her behavior, and how men often misinterpret or misunderstand this behavior:
1. Women are natural timekeepers.
Women like to keep track of time. Ask us how long it’s been since our daughter’s last dental checkup, or since our dog’s last bath, or since we spoke on the phone to our mother, or since we had our hair cut, or since we made love with our husband, and we will tell you. Accurately. Men are always astonished at our ability to do this, and often become quite annoyed with us, particularly when we correct them.
“You know, we haven’t been to the movies in a long time,” a woman says to her husband. “I’d love to go out Friday night if we can get a baby-sitter.”
“What do you mean – we just went to the movies. Wasn’t it a few weeks ago?”
“No,” she replies with certainty, “it wasn’t a few weeks ago; it was more like two months ago! I remember exactly when we went, because it was right after my parents were here for my cousin’s wedding.”
“Whatever,” he grumbles. Of course, now that she explains it, he knows she is right. But he’s still irritated with her for remembering so precisely!
This penchant women have for accurately chronicling time manifests itself in many ways:
Women keep track of tasks men don’t want to be reminded of.
“You haven’t called your mother in three weeks.”
“It’s been a month since you mowed the lawn.”
“You were supposed to drop off that package for your brother five days ago.”
Women keep track of how accurately men keep promises about time.
“You said we’d talk this weekend about possibly re-landscaping the front yard next spring, but it’s Sunday night and we still haven’t discussed it.”
“Where have you been? You told me you’d get home by six so we’d have time to eat before going to the play, and it’s almost seven!”
“You promised you’d call me when you got to your hotel, but I didn’t hear from you until late last night.”
Women keep track of romantic and intimate time.
“It’s been months since the last time we talked about our relationship and where we’re going in terms of commitment for the future.”
“We haven’t taken the time to really make love when it wasn’t just a quickie for five weeks now.”
“The only time you give me a romantic card is once a year on our anniversary.”
Women are conscious of rhythms and patterns in time.
I’ve noticed that because women pay more attention to time in general, we see rhythms and patterns that men may not recognize. We notice how certain behaviors or experiences repeat themselves over and over again. Men, on the other hand, often don’t connect these events to one another within the context of time.
For instance:
It’s a Friday night, and your boyfriend, Robert, is spending the evening with his old college roommate, Frank. You’ve been dreading this for months – actually, since the last time Robert and Frank got together – because whenever your boyfriend hangs around with Frank, the two of you end up in a fight afterward. This has happened over and over again, and you’re hoping by some miracle that tonight will be different.
It’s almost two in the morning when Robert arrives back at the apartment. “Hi, honey,” you say as he walks into the bedroom. “You guys must have had a good time – you stayed out late, didn’t you?”
“Were you watching the clock or something?” Robert responds.
Here he goes, you groan to yourself. It’s happening again. “No, I wasn’t watching the clock. I was just commenting on the time,” you say in as sweet a voice as possible.
“Well, I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself,” Robert snaps.
“You know, Robert, you don’t have to talk to me in that tone. Why are you picking a fight with me? Every time you go out with Frank, you come home like this – feeling mad at the world.”
“I do not,” Robert insists. “You’re just pissed off that I stayed out late.”
“No,” you reply strongly, “I’m not pissed off that you stayed out late. I’m pissed off that every time you are with Frank, you are in an angry, defiant mood for days. In fact, the last four times you’ve been with him, we’ve had a fight when you got home.”
“What are you, the CIA?” your boyfriend says angrily.
I have heard so many versions of this kind of dynamic between a man and a woman, when she recognizes a pattern of cause and effect that repeats itself over time and he just doesn’t see it:
A man doesn’t notice that he gets depressed for days every time he talks to his ex-wife on the phone. When his girlfriend tries to point this out, he blames her for being jealous.
A father isn’t aware that whenever his little boy goes to a certain friend’s house to play, he comes home and behaves aggressively. When his wife tries to discuss this, he tells her “boys will be boys,” and that she’s just being too protective.
A man doesn’t realize that every year around the time of the anniversary of his father’s death, he becomes despondent and withdrawn. When his wife suggests there may be a correlation, he insists she overanalyzes everything and is making something out of nothing.
HOW MEN MISUNDERSTAND THIS
When women appear to be counting or chronicling time, men often misinterpret our intention: You conclude that we are picky, finicky, neurotic, and bossy. The result is that you end up feeling controlled, commanded, scolded, and spied upon.
When men react this way to our focus on time, women feel hurt and misunderstood. “I was only trying to be helpful,” we think sadly. And that is the truth, guys. We’re not trying to control you or act like your mother, even though it may appear that way – we just think we’re doing our job, in the same way we keep track of when the kids last ate, or when the laundry needs to be done, or when the mortgage is due.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Women keep track of time because we are trying to be helpful, not because we are trying to be controlling.
More accurately women keep track of time and its rhythms because that is just the way we have been designed. We don’t really even think about it.
2. Women experience time differently from men.
Your boyfriend lives in another part of the country, so you rely heavily on the phone to stay connected. Several days have passed, and you haven’t heard from him. Finally, he calls.
“Where have you been?” you ask.
“What do you mean?” your boyfriend responds.
“You haven’t called me,” you explain in an agitated voice.
“We just talked Friday,” he responds defiantly.
“That’s what I mean – it’s been three whole days!”
“I don’t get it,” he says. “It’s only been three days. What’s the big deal?”
It’s one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon, and your husband says he’s going out to do a few errands. The hours pass, and by dinnertime he still isn’t home. Finally, at seven o’clock he drives up.
“Do you know what time it is?” you ask him. “You were out for six hours!”
“Gee, I didn’t realize it was that long,” he says. “I had a lot to do.”
“But you said you were going out to do a few errands – I thought you’d be back by dark for sure.”
“I guess I lost track of time,” he replies absentmindedly. “It didn’t seem like that much time had passed.”
“That’s an understatement – why didn’t you at least call me?”
“Why should I have called?” he asks in a puzzled voice. “You knew I’d be home eventually.”
Both of these examples illustrate one point: Women experience time very differently from men. After decades of observation and personal experience, my theory is that women experience each increment of time as lasting much longer than men experience that same increment of time. It’s similar to “dog years” versus “people years,” and according to veterinary science, a dog year is seven times longer than a people year. In the same way, I am certain that “female time” is much longer than “male time”! One of my girlfriends and I decided, unscientifically of course, that one male hour was the equivalent of ten female hours, one male day the equivalent of ten female days, and so on.
Doesn’t this explain a phenomenon we’ve all experienced over and over again in our relationships – that in so many instances, men think almost no time has passed, and women feel so much time has passed. I believe this is because:
Time shrinks for men and stretches for women!
The previous stories are perfect examples – the woman feels as if the three days without talking to her boyfriend were an eternity, and he feels as if it’s only been three days since they spoke – hardly any time at all. For her, the time was stretched; for him, it was shrunk. It’s the same with the husband who went out for errands and came back six hours later: To his wife that six hours felt really long, probably because she had expected him back earlier, but for the husband, it seemed as if he’d only been gone for a little while.
I’ve come up with some examples of words men use that illustrate the shrunken male version of time:
Just can mean anything from in the last few minutes to the last few years, as in:
“Didn’t we just get new carpet?” (five years ago)
“Wasn’t your mother just here for a visit?” (three months ago)
“I thought we just discussed that.” (six weeks ago)
“Didn’t we just have some intimate time?” (three weeks ago)
A lot can be used to describe amounts that range from noticeable to miniscule, as in:
“I think we’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on our relationship lately.” (one counseling session and one long talk in the past three months)
“I feel I’ve been a lot better about complimenting you, haven’t I?” (two compliments in two weeks)
“Why are you complaining? I call you a lot when I’m out of town.” (once a day if she’s lucky)
Why do men and women experience time so differently? It seems to me that men tend to plant themselves more completely in the present moment when it comes to relationships and deal with the next moment when it arrives. Women, on the other hand, tend to extend themselves through time into the future.
Men’s relationship to love and time is more immediate. Women’s relationship to love and time is more extended.
This principle doesn’t apply to all parts of our lives. Men obviously have extended vision when it comes to running their business or designing their career. But somehow, when it comes to love, intimacy, and related topics, the above descriptions do seem accurate.
The result of these very different approaches to and experiences of time is a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings in our relationships.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
When you don’t seem to be aware of how much time has passed since you spoke to us or saw us, or spent special time with us, or when you forget important events in time, we end up feeling like you don’t care.
It’s easy for women to interpret men’s casual, and sometimes even oblivious, attitude toward time as a lack of caring or commitment. The following are comments women made to me while I researched this book:
“How could he not call me for three days unless he just doesn’t love me?”
“Why didn’t he remember to let me know he arrived at the hotel when he knew Yd be worrying, unless he just wasn’t thinking of me at all?”
“It’s been weeks since we’ve spent any special romantic time together, but he says it’s too soon to plan another evening, that we just did it – maybe he doesn’t want to be close with me.”
“I always want to be with my boyfriend whenever possible, but he goes about his business for days and seems unaware of how much time has passed. It makes me feel like I am not very special to him.”
Guys, please understand that I am not saying you don’t care, because I know you do. You just may not be aware of how your more casual relationship to time feels to us as women. Remember the 10-to-1 Rule: If you don’t call for a day, it feels like it’s been ten days to us; if we haven’t spent special time alone without kids or distractions for two weeks, it feels like twenty weeks. Of course, this rule also works another way: If you’ve been dating a woman for one month, she may act like you’ve been dating for ten months, making you wonder why she is so serious so quickly!
I don’t believe that men and women will ever change their experience of time. However, men, if you really want to please the woman you love, consider experimenting with the following suggestions:
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
1. We would love you to remember that whatever increment of time you are experiencing, it feels much longer to us.
2. Keeping this in mind, we would love you to consider adjusting your behavior once in a while by doing things sooner than you normally would:
Call us more frequently than you think is necessary.
Do or plan something special before you think the effect of the last time has worn off.
Tell us you love us or compliment us more times in a day than feels normal to you.
Be willing to spend more intimate moments with us than you normally would.
One easy way to put this into practice with the woman you care about is to do everything that is an expression of love twice as much. That means DOUBLE the amount of calls, special dates, compliments, intimate moments, and so on. If you would usually call your girlfriend once a day, try calling twice a day. If you would normally agree to one romantic activity a month with your wife, try planning two a month.
It is safe to assume that she will be happy with more, and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how this small investment of extra time and effort pays off in the gratitude, the sweetness, and the contentment you will see radiating from your partner.
3. Women honor the cycles of time by celebrating special occasions.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has kept a little book containing a list of special occasions: the birthdays and anniversaries of friends and family members. Not a week goes by when she doesn’t send a card to someone. Often these cards go to a person my mother hasn’t seen or spoken to in a long time, yet she still remembers her birthday or anniversary and finds joy in celebrating the cycle of time through the expression of her love.
I am sure many of you have mothers like this, or are women like this. I know I definitely take after my mother and have boxes of cards that I keep on hand for the many special occasions I like to celebrate. But ask yourself: How many of your fathers had special occasion books? How many men reading this keep a list of everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries, and remember to honor them in some way?
Remember, women are always counting time, so we are usually much more aware of cycles than men are. Ways that women express our sacred relationship with time is by honoring these cycles of experience and marking the passage of time with celebration. Women delight in doing this, but even the most sensitive men often don’t understand why we are so into celebrating special occasions.
Take, for instance, Julia and Adam. They met at a yoga class and knew at once it was love at first sight. Julia was ecstatic – she was sure Adam was her soul mate, and secretly hoped one day they would be married. One month passed, and on that night when Adam came over to pick Julia up for dinner, she handed him a card.
“What’s this?” Adam asked with a smile.
“You’ll see,” Julia replied, squeezing his arm.
Adam opened the envelope to find a card that said, “Happy Anniversary.” At first he looked a little puzzled, but then Julia piped in: “It’s our one-month anniversary – one month ago tonight, March twelfth, we met at the yoga class!”
“You are such a romantic.” Adam laughed, giving Julia a kiss.
The months passed, and Adam and Julia grew closer and closer. On the twelfth of every month, Julia would wish Adam a happy anniversary, and give him a card or note or small gift. Soon, they marked one year together, and celebrated by going away for the weekend to the seaside.
Four weeks later, Adam and Julia were lying in bed, and Julia pulled out a card from under the covers and placed it on Adam’s chest with a giggle. Sure enough, it was a Happy Anniversary card. “Thank you, sweetheart,” Adam said, “But didn’t we just have our one-year anniversary last month?”
“Yes, Adam,” Julia replied, “but we still can celebrate our one-month anniversaries too.”
Adam looked confused and almost disappointed: “I guess I thought once we passed a year, we wouldn’t have to do the one-months anymore.”
When I share this story with people, men and women have different reactions. The women all understand Julia perfectly. “I think she is being sweet remembering the day they met each month,” they agree. “It was kind of insensitive of Adam to say he thought he wouldn’t have to celebrate them anymore, as if it was some kind of burden.” Men do not see it this way at all. “Adam’s right,” they exclaim. “One anniversary a year is enough.”
One special occasion a year is enough? What a foreign thought this is to most women! We see opportunities for celebrating the passage of time everywhere we look:
“It’s the six-week anniversary of when we first said ‘I love you.”’
“It’s the three-month anniversary of when we first made love.”
“It’s our one-month anniversary of being married.”
I remember the shocked look on a boyfriend’s face once when I said: “Guess what today is? It’s the tenth anniversary of the day I lost my virginity.”
“You remember the date?” he asked with incredulity.
“Of course I do,” I answered. “It was an important occasion.”
“Tell me, how does one celebrate an anniversary like this?”
I smiled. “You figure it out.”
I confess this personal vignette to make the point that I, like so many woman, keep track of the love and happiness in my life by remembering special moments.
WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:
Celebrating cycles and special occasions is a woman’s way of counting the joy and marking the growth of love.
When I stop and become aware of the time that has passed since meeting a special person, or falling in love, or starting on a spiritual path, or giving up an unhealthy habit, I am not only honoring the cycles of time – I am honoring myself and how I have grown. When Julia celebrates the monthly anniversary of meeting her boyfriend, she is marking the growth of their love. When a wife wants to do something special for her wedding anniversary with her husband, she is saying, “I want to honor how hard we have worked to stay together. I want to honor the love.”
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Barbara Angelis
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Семейная психология
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: What makes women tick? And how can women and men use this knowledge to make a great relationship? Top relationships expert Barbara De Angelis tells you how‘What Women Want Men To Know’ is a book for men and women alike. Barbara De Angelis reveals what makes women tick, just why it is they do what they do – in relationships, in bed, and in day to day communication. And what they want from their men.Essential reading for the man who wants to understand his partner better, it is also a must for the woman who wants to understand her own relationship and needs: “first and foremost this book is for you as a woman to read. It wasn’t written just to help men understand you – it is an invitation for you to know and understand yourself more than you ever have before… ”The book includes the top 10 turn offs for women in bed and the top 10 turn ons.At a time when our stressed-out lifestyles are making healthy, fulfilled relationships increasingly elusive, the foremost female writer in this genre has provided, yet again, a route to a greater understanding of the one you love.This is vintage De Angelis.