Funny stories / Сборник лучших смешных рассказов. Уровень 2
Funny stories / Сборник лучших смешных рассказов. Уровень 2
Collection
Легко читаем по-английски
Изучение английского языка не обязательно должно состоять лишь из скучного заучивания правил и слов, есть и более веселые способы – например, чтение смешных рассказов. В этот сборник вошли самые знаменитые произведения Дж. К. Джерома, О. Генри, Марка Твена и Г.Х. Манро (Саки), которые помогут сделать процесс обучения более увлекательным.
Тексты адаптированы для продолжающих изучение английского языка (Уровень 2) и сопровождаются комментариями, упражнениями и словарем.
В формате PDF A4 сохранен издательский макет книги.
Сборник
Funny stories / Сборник лучших смешных рассказов. Уровень 2
© Матвеев С.А., адаптация текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь
© Ганненко В.В., адаптация текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь
© ООО «Издательство, АСТ», 2021
Should married men play golf?
Jerome K. Jerome
People know that we Englishmen attach too much importance to sport, it is well-known, indeed. One can wait: some day some English novelist[1 - some English novelist – некий английский романист] will write a book, showing the evil effects of over-indulgence in sport[2 - over-indulgence in sport – чрезмерное увлечение спортом]: the ruined business, the ruined home, the slow but sure[3 - slow but sure – медленный, но верный] destroying of the brain, which leads to foolishness.
I once heard of a young couple. They went for their honeymoon[4 - They went for their honeymoon – Они отправились на медовый месяц] to Scotland. The poor girl did not know he was a golfer (he won her heart when his shoulder was broken). They decided to make a tour. The second day the man went out for a walk. At dinner-time he noticed that it seemed a pretty place they had found, and suggested to stay there another day. The next morning after breakfast he borrowed a club from the hotel porter, and remarked that he would take a walk. He returned in time for lunch and seemed angry all the afternoon. He said the air was good for him, and urged that they should stay another day.
She was young and did not know much, and thought, maybe, he had a liver-ache. She had heard much about liver from her father. The next morning he borrowed more clubs, and went out, this time before breakfast, returning late and even more angry than before. That was the end of their honeymoon. He meant well[5 - he meant well – у него были лучшие намерения], but the thing had gone too far[6 - the thing had gone too far – дело зашло слишком далеко]. The vice had entered into his blood.
Many people, I think, heard about the golfing priest, who was always swearing when he lost.
“Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together,” his friend told him. “Take my advice before it’s too late, and give it up, Tammas[7 - give it up, Tammas – брось это, Тэммас].”
A few months later Tammas met his friend again.
“You were right, Jamie[8 - Jamie – Джейми],” cried the priest, “golf and the ministry are not friends, I have followed your advice: I have given it up.”
“Then what are you doing with that sack of clubs?” inquired Jamie.
“What am I doing with them?” repeated the puzzled Tammas. “I am going to play golf with them! Great Heavens[9 - Great Heavens! – О Боже!], man!” he continued, “you don’t think it was the golf that I’d given up?”
The Englishman does not understand how to play. He makes a life-long labour of his sport, and to it sacrifices mind and body. The health resorts of Europe draw half their profits from the playing fields of Eton[10 - Eton – Итон] and everywhere. In Swiss and German resorts enormously fat men come to you and explain to you that once they were the champions or the best sportsmen of their university-men who now cannot go upstairs. Fat men, between paroxysms of coughing[11 - between paroxysms of coughing – между приступами кашля], tell you of the goals they scored when they were extraordinary forwards. Unhappy sportsmen – you can meet them everywhere.
They are pitiable people. They can read only sport news, books are of no use to them. They never trained much their mind, and, apparently, have lost the ability to think. They don’t care for[12 - they don’t care for – они безразличны к] art, and Nature only suggests to them the things they can no longer do. The mountain reminds them that once they could sleigh; the field makes them sad because they can no longer handle a golf-club; by the riverside they sit down and tell you of the salmon they caught; birds only remind them about guns; music raises visions of the local cricket-match and the local band. We are sorry for them, but their stories are not interesting. The man who has other interests in life beyond sport is deaf to them; while they do not want to talk to one another. They do not believe one another.
The foreigner is taking our sports; we hope he will be warned by our example. Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe. But yet the Frenchman prefers to play with his head, not with his legs. He would rather catch the ball upon his head than score a goal. He does not seem to care what happens with the ball. Anybody can have the ball; he has had his game and is happy.
They talk of introducing cricket into Belgium[13 - Belgium – Бельгия]; I shall certainly try to be present at the opening game. I am afraid that the Belgian[14 - Belgian – бельгийский] player will stop cricket balls with his heads. That the head is the proper thing with which to play ball appears to be in his blood. My head is round, he thinks, and hard, just like the ball itself; what part of the human body is better to meet and stop a ball?
Tennis is firmly established from St. Petersburg[15 - St. Petersburg – Санкт-Петербург] to Bordeaux[16 - Bordeaux – Бордо]. University professors, rising early in the morning, hire boys and practise it. But to the Frenchman, as yet, it is a game. He plays it in a happy, merry fashion, that is shocking to English eyes.
Your partner’s game astonishes you. His ball runs outside the field constantly. The joyous laughter of the spectators explain everything. Your partner was trying to hit a man in the next court who was busy with his shoe-lace. With his last ball he has succeeded. He has hit the man in the small of the back[17 - the small of the back – поясница], and has bowled him over[18 - bowled him over – сбил его с ног]. Doherty[19 - Doherty – Догерти] himself has never won greater applause from the crowd. Even the man who has been hit is pleased.
But the Frenchman forgets his shoe, he forgets his game. He gathers together all the balls that he can find; his balls, your balls, anybody’s balls. And then commences the return match. At this point it is better to quit. Most of the players follow this plan; they go to the club-house, and, finding themselves there, order coffee and light up cigarettes. After a while both players appear to be satisfied.
In about half-an-hour or so, when everybody is tired completely, the game-the original game-is resumed. You demand the score; your partner promptly says it is “forty-fifteen.” Both your opponents rush up to the net, and apparently there is going to be a duel. After a while they suggest a compromise. The discussion is concluded by calling it deuce[20 - by calling it deuce – объявлением ничьи]. As it is rare for a game to proceed without some such incident occurring in the middle of it, the score generally is deuce. Nobody wins and nobody loses.
To the earnest player[21 - the earnest player – серьёзный игрок], it is also confusing to miss your partner occasionally-to turn round and find that he is talking to a man. Five minutes later he resumes the game. His friend comes with him, also the dog of his friend. The dog is welcomed with enthusiasm; all balls are returned to the dog. Until the dog is tired you cannot play.
But all this will no doubt soon be changed. There are some excellent French and Belgian players. The Frenchman is young in the game. He will also learn to keep the balls lower.
I suppose it is the continental sky[22 - it is the continental sky – причина в континентальном небе]. It is so blue, so beautiful; it naturally attracts one. So most tennis players on the Continent, whether English or foreign, try to aim the ball direct at Heaven. At an English club in Switzerland there was in my days a young Englishman who was really a wonderful player. He never passed the ball. But he was weak returning it. The ball went a hundred feet or so into the air and descended in his opponent’s court. The other man was standing and watching the ball, a little point in the Heavens, growing gradually bigger and bigger as it neared the earth. The ball fall at his feet, rise another twenty yards or so and again descend. When it was at the proper height he hit it back over the net, and the next moment it was mounting the sky again. I have seen that young man, with tears in his eyes, was pleading to be given an umpire. Every umpire had fled. They hid behind trees, pretended they were visitors, they wanted to avoid the task of umpiring for that young man. Such a game might last all day. Anyone could return his balls; but, as I have said, nobody could get a ball past him. He won; the other man, after an hour or so, was getting mad and trying to lose. It was his only chance of dinner.
Generally speaking, a tennis ground abroad is a pretty sight. The women pay more attention to their costumes than do our lady players. The men are usually in white. The ground is often in a wonderful place, the club-house is picturesque; there is always laughter and joy. The play may not be so good to watch, but the picture is delightful. I accompanied a man a little while ago to his club on the outskirts of Brussels[23 - on the outskirts of Brussels – в предместье Брюсселя]. The ground was bordered by a wood.
It was a glorious spring afternoon. The courts were crowded. The red earth and the green grass formed a background against which the women, in their new Parisian toilets[24 - Parisian toilets – парижские туалеты], under their bright parasols, stood out like moving flowers. The whole atmosphere was delightful.
Just nearby a group of peasants were working in the field. An old woman and a young girl, with ropes about their shoulders, were drawing a harrow[25 - were drawing a harrow – тащили за собой борону], an old man was guiding them. They paused for a moment at the wire fencing, and looked through. It was an odd contrast; the two worlds divided by the wire fencing-so slight, almost invisible. The girl swept the sweat from her face with her hand; the woman pushed back her grey locks underneath the handkerchief about her head; the old man stood himself with some difficulty. So they stood for a minute, gazing with quiet faces through that slight fencing.
Was there any thought, I wonder, passing through their brains? The young girl-she was very nice in spite of her ugly garments. The woman-she had a wonderfully fine face: clear, calm eyes under a square broad brow.
The old man bent again over the guiding ropes. They moved forward up the hill. It is Anatole France[26 - Anatole France – Анатоль Франс, французский писатель и литературный критик (1844–1924).], I think, who says: Society is based[27 - is based – зиждется] upon the patience of the poor.
Exercises
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. Baseball is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
2. Hockey is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
3. Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
4. Basketball is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
ОТВЕТ:
Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
2. Who won greater applause from the crowd?
1. Adams
2. Tammas
3. Anatole France
4. Doherty
ОТВЕТ: Doherty
3. Who does not understand how to play?
1. The Englishman
2. The Frenchman
3. The German
4. The Spanishman
ОТВЕТ: The Englishman
4. How many peasants were working in the field?
1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Four
ОТВЕТ: Three
5. What is a club?
1. It is a round object.
2. It is a stick used to hit a golf ball.
3. It is a piece of equipment used to play tennis.
4. It is a hollow rubber ball.
ОТВЕТ: It is a stick used to hit a golf ball.
6. What does an English novelist do?
1. He teaches English.
2. He plays golf.
3. He writes novels.
4. He reads novels.
ОТВЕТ: He writes novels.
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. Tennis and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
2. Golf and shopping don’t seem to go together.
3. Football and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
4. Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
ОТВЕТ: Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
8. What does the Frenchman prefers to play with?
1. The Frenchman prefers to play with his head.
2. The Frenchman prefers to play with his legs.
3. The Frenchman prefers to play with his hands.
4. The Frenchman prefers to play with his fingers.
ОТВЕТ: The Frenchman prefers to play with his head.
9. Where did a young couple go for their honeymoon?
1. to Belgium
2. to England
3. to Scotland
4. to France
ОТВЕТ: to Scotland
10. Выберите нужный глагол:
At dinner-time he noticed that it seemed a pretty place they ____________________ found, and suggested to stay there another day.
1. had
2. have
3. will
4. are
ОТВЕТ: had
11. Выберите нужные глаголы:
Fat men, between paroxysms of coughing, ____________________ you of the goals they ____________________ when they were extraordinary forwards.
1. told, score
2. tell, score
3. had told, scored
4. tell, scored
ОТВЕТ: tell, scored
12. Выберите нужный предлог:
He makes a life-long labour ____________________ his sport, and to it sacrifices mind and body.
1. by
2. at
3. of
4. with
ОТВЕТ: of
13. Ответьте на вопросы:
1. Who tells the story?
2. What is the name of the famous French writer mentioned in the story?
3. What have you learned about golf?
4. What do you like and what don’t you like in golf?
5. What would you do if you were playing golf?
6. What is the end of the story?
7. How can you explain the title of the story?
8. Retell the story.
14. Заполните таблицу:
hear ____________________ ____________________
____________________ went ____________________
____________________ ____________________ done
meet ____________________ ____________________
____________________ gave ____________________
ОТВЕТ:
hear-heard-heard
go-went-gone
do-did-done
meet-met-met
give-gave-given
Should we say what we think, or think what we say?
Jerome K. Jerome
A mad friend of mine says that the main word of the age is Make-Believe[28 - Make-Believe – притворство]. He claims that all social intercourse is founded on make-believe. A servant enters to say that Mr. and Mrs. Bore are in the living-room.
“Oh, damn!” says the man.
“Hush!” says the woman. “Shut the door, Susan[29 - Susan – Сюзен]. How often am I to tell you never to leave the door open?”
The man creeps upstairs on tiptoe and enters his study room. The woman tries not to show her feelings, and then enters the living-room with a smile. She looks as if an angel has arrived. She says how delighted she is to see the Bores-how good it was of them to come. Why did they not bring more Bores with them? Where is naughty Bore junior? Why does he never come to see her now? She will have to be really angry with him. And sweet little Flossie[30 - Flossie – Флосси] Bore? Too young to visit friends! Nonsense.
The Bores, who had hoped that she was not at home-who have only come because the etiquette book told them that they had to come at least four times in the season, explain how they have been trying and trying to come.
“This afternoon,” says Mrs. Bore, “we decided to come for sure. ‘John, dear,’ I said this morning, ‘I shall go and see dear Mrs. Bounder this afternoon, no matter what happens.’”
It looks like the Prince of Wales[31 - the Prince of Wales – принц Уэльский], who wanted to visit the Bores, was told that he could not come in. He might call again in the evening or come some other day.
That afternoon the Bores were going to enjoy themselves in their own way[32 - to enjoy themselves in their own way – провести время по своему вкусу]; they were going to see Mrs. Bounder.
“And how is Mr. Bounder?” asks Mrs. Bore.
Mrs. Bounder remains mute for a moment. She can hear how he goes downstairs. She hears how the front door softly opens and closes.
And thus it is, not only with the Bores and Bounders, but even with us who are not Bores or Bounders. Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming; that we are delighted to see everybody; that everybody is delighted to see us; that it is so good of everybody to come; that we are desolate at the thought that they really must go now.
What will we prefer-to stop and finish our cigar or to hasten into the living-room to hear Miss Screecher’s songs? Miss Screecher does not want to sing; but if we insist-We do insist. Miss Screecher consents. We are trying not to look at one another. We sit and examine the ceiling. Miss Screecher finishes, and rises.
“But it was so short,” we say. Is Miss Screecher sure that was the end? Didn’t she miss a verse? Miss Screecher assures us that the fault is the composer’s[33 - the fault is the composer’s – в этом вина композитора]. But she knows another. So our faces lighten again with gladness.
Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted. No, not another glass; we dare not-doctor’s orders, very strict. Our host’s cigar! We did not know they made such cigars in this world. No, we really cannot smoke another. Well, if he insists, may we put it in our pocket? The truth is, we do not like to smoke.
Our hostess’s coffee! Will she tell us her secret?
The baby! The usual baby-we have seen it. To be honest, we do not like babies a lot. But this baby! It is just the kind we wanted for ourselves.
Little Janet’s recitation[34 - Little Janet’s recitation – декламирование маленькой Дженет]: “A Visit to the Dentist”! This is genius, surely. She must train for the stage. Her mother does not like the stage. But the theatre will lose such talent.
Every bride is beautiful. Every bride looks charming in a simple dress of-for further particulars see local papers. Every marriage is a cause for universal rejoicing. With our wine-glass in our hand we picture the best life for them. How can it be otherwise? She, the daughter of her mother. (Cheers.) He-well, we all know him. (More cheers.)
We carry our make-believe even into our religion. We sit in church, and say to the God, that we are miserable worms-that there is no good in us. It does us no harm, we must do it anyway.
We make-believe that every woman is good, that every man is honest-until they show us, against our will, that they are not. Then we become very angry with them, and explain to them that they are such sinners, and are not to mix with us perfect people.
Everybody goes to a better world when they have got all they can here. We stand around the open grave and tell each other so. The clergyman is so assured of it that, to save time[35 - to save time – чтобы сэкономить время], they have written out the formula for him and had it printed in a little book.
When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven. I was thinking about all the people that had died, there were too many people there. Almost I felt sorry for the Devil, forgotten and abandoned. I saw him in imagination, a lonely old gentleman, sitting at his gate day after day, doing nothing. An old nurse whom I told my ideas was sure that he would get me anyhow. Maybe I was an evil-hearted boy. But the thought of how he will welcome me, the only human being that he had seen for years, made me almost happy.
At every public meeting the chief speaker is always “a good fellow.” The man from Mars, reading our newspapers, will be convinced that every Member of Parliament was a jovial, kindly, high-hearted, generous-souled saint. We have always listened with pleasure to the brilliant speech of our friend who has just sat down.
The higher one ascends in the social scale[36 - the social scale – общественная лестница], the wider becomes the make-believe. When anything sad happens to a very important person, the lesser people round about him hardly can live. So one wonders sometimes how it is the world continues to exist.
Once upon a time a certain good and great man became ill. I read in the newspaper that the whole nation was in grief. People dining in restaurants dropped their heads upon the table and sobbed. Strangers, meeting in the street, cried like little children. I was abroad at the time, but began to return home. I almost felt ashamed to go. I looked at myself in the mirror, and was shocked at my own appearance: there was a man who had not been in trouble for weeks. Surely, I had a shallow nature. I had had luck with a play in America, and I just could not look grief-stricken. There were moments when I found myself whistling!
The first man I talked to on Dover[37 - Dover – Дувр] pier was a Customs House official. He appeared quite pleased when he found 48 cigars. He demanded the tax, and chuckled when he got it.
On Dover
platform a little girl laughed because a lady dropped a handbox on a dog; but then children are always callous-or, perhaps, she had not heard the news.
What astonished me most, however, was to find in the train a respectable looking man who was reading a comic journal. True, he did not laugh much; but what was a grief-stricken citizen doing with a comic journal, anyhow? I had come to the conclusion that we English must be a people of wonderful self-control. The day before, as newspapers wrote, the whole country was in serious danger of a broken heart. “We have cried all day,” they had said to themselves, “we have cried all night. Now let us live once again.” Some of them-I noticed it in the hotel dining-room that evening-were returning to their food again.
We make believe about quite serious things. In war, each country’s soldiers are always the most courageous in the world. The other country’s soldiers are always treacherous and sly; that is why they sometimes win. Literature is the art of make-believe.
“Now all of you sit round and throw your pennies in the cap,” says the author, “and I will pretend that there lives in Bayswater[38 - Bayswater – Бейсуотер] a young lady named Angelina[39 - Angelina – Анжелина], who is the most beautiful young lady that ever existed. And in Notting Hill[40 - Notting Hill – Ноттинг-Хилл], we will pretend, there lives a young man named Edwin[41 - Edwin – Эдвин], who is in love with Angelina.”
And then, if there are some pennies in the cap, the author pretends that Angelina thought this and said that, and that Edwin did all sorts of wonderful things. We know he is making it all up[42 - is making it all up – измышляет всё это]. We know he is making up just to please us. But we know well enough that if we stop to throw the pennies into the cap, the author can do another things.
The manager bangs his drum.
“Come here! come here!” he cries, “we are going to pretend that Mrs. Johnson[43 - Mrs. Johnson – миссис Джонсон] is a princess, and old man Johnson is going to pretend to be a pirate. Come here, come here, and be in time!”
So Mrs. Johnson, pretending to be a princess, comes out of a paper house that we agree to pretend is a castle; and old man Johnson, pretending to be a pirate, is swimming in the thing we agree to pretend is the ocean. Mrs. Johnson pretends to be in love with him, but we know she is not. And Johnson pretends to be a very terrible person; and Mrs. Johnson pretends, till eleven o’clock, to believe it. And we pay money to sit for two hours and listen to them.
But as I explained at the beginning, my friend is a mad person.
Exercises
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. We make believe about quite serious things.
2. We make believe about quite stupid things.
3. We make believe about quite incredible things.
4. We make believe about quite common things.
ОТВЕТ: We make believe about quite serious things.
2. Where does a young man, who is in love with Angelina, live?
1. in Bayswater
2. in Dover
3. in London
4. in Notting Hill
ОТВЕТ: in Notting Hill
3. Who is the Prince of Wales?
1. It is a title granted to princes lived in Wales.
2. It is a title granted to princes born in England.
3. It is a title granted to princes married in Wales.
4. It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.
ОТВЕТ: It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.
4. How many cigars did a Customs House official find?
1. 35 cigars
2. 48 cigars
3. 24 cigars
4. 53 cigars
ОТВЕТ: 48 cigars
5. “Jovial” is NOT…
1. amiable
2. festive
3. angry
4. good-natured
ОТВЕТ: angry
6. What does it mean “to save time”?
1. to have extra time
2. to do useless things
3. to have a good time
4. to sleep
ОТВЕТ: to have extra time
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to hell.
2. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.
3. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to London.
4. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to Scotland.
ОТВЕТ: When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.
8. What is Mrs. Johnson’s paper house?
1. a hut
2. a car
3. a bathroom
4. a castle
ОТВЕТ: a castle
9. Who must be a people of wonderful self-control?
1. English
2. French
3. German
4. Scottish
ОТВЕТ: English
10. Выберите нужный глагол:
She must ____________________ for the stage.
1. dance
2. gain
3. go
4. train
ОТВЕТ: She must train for the stage.
11. Выберите нужные глаголы:
Our host’s wine ____________________ always the best we ____________________ ever tasted.
1. was, will
2. is, have
3. is, are
4. has, have
ОТВЕТ: Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted.
12. Выберите нужный предлог:
Any society is founded ____________________ the make-believe that everybody is charming.
1. on
2. in
3. at
4. after
ОТВЕТ: Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming.
13. Ответьте на вопросы:
1. How many actors are mentioned in the story?
2. What are their names?
3. What have you learned about make-believe?
4. What do you like and what don’t you like in Miss Screecher?
5. What would you do if you were Mrs. Johnson?
6. What is the end of the story?
7. How can you explain the title of the story?
8. Retell the story.
14. Заполните таблицу:
tell ____________________ ____________________
____________________ said ____________________
____________________ ____________________ put
break ____________________ ____________________
____________________ cried ____________________
ОТВЕТ:
tell-told-told
say-said-said
put-put-put
break-broke-broken
cry-cried-cried
Why we hate the foreigner
Jerome K. Jerome
The advantage of the foreigner is following: he is born good. He does not have to try to be good, as we, the Englishmen, do. He does not have to start the New Year with the decision to be good, and succeed till the middle of January. He is just good all the year round. When they tell a foreigner to mount or descend from a tram[44 - to mount or descend from a tram – входить или выходить из трамвая] from the right side, he will never try to descend that tram from the left side.
In Brussels[45 - Brussels – Брюссель] once I saw a lawless foreigner who was trying to enter a tram from the wrong side. The door was open: he was standing close beside it. A line of traffic was in his way, so he just entered when the conductor was not looking, and took his seat. The astonishment of the conductor was immense. How did he get there?
The conductor was watching the proper entrance, and the man had not passed him. Later, the true explanation came to the conductor, but he hesitated to accuse that man of such crime.
Anyway, the conductor appealed to the passenger himself. Was his presence a miracle or a sin? The passenger confessed. The conductor requested him to leave the tram immediately. The passenger refused to do so, a halt was called[46 - a halt was called – была объявлена остановка], and the police arrived. As usual, they appeared from the ground[47 - from the ground – из-под земли]. At first the sergeant did not believe the conductor’s statement. Myself, in the passenger’s case[48 - in the passenger’s case – на месте пассажира], I would lie. But he was proud, or stupid-one of the two, and he told the truth. The police said that he had to descend immediately and wait for the next tram. Other policemen were arriving from every corner: nowhere to run. The passenger decided get down. He walked to the proper door, but that was not correct. He had mounted the wrong side, he must descend on the wrong side, too. After that the conductor told a sermon from the centre of the tram on the danger of going from the wrong side.
There is a law in Germany-an excellent law it is-that nobody may scatter paper about the street. An English military friend told me that, one day in Dresden[49 - Dresden – Дрезден], he tore a long letter into some fifty fragments and threw them behind him. A policeman stopped him and explained to him quite politely the law. My military friend agreed that it was a very good law, thanked the man for his information, and said that for the future he would bear it in mind[50 - he would bear it in mind – он будет иметь это в виду]. But the policeman was not satisfied. He offered my friend to pick up those fifty pieces of paper. My friend did not see himself, an English General, on his hands and knees in the main street of Dresden, in the middle of the afternoon, picking up paper.
The German policeman agreed that the situation was awkward. If the English General cannot accept it there is an alternative: to accompany the policeman to the nearest prison, three miles away. It was four o’clock in the afternoon, the judge probably went away. But the prison cells[51 - the prison cells – тюремные камеры] are very comfortable, and the policeman is sure that the General, after the fine of forty marks[52 - the fine of forty marks – штраф в сорок марок], will be a free man again tomorrow. The General suggested to hire a boy to pick up the paper.
The policeman answered that it was not be permitted.
“I did not think,” my friend told me, “that picking up small pieces of thin paper off greasy stones was the hardest business of mine! It took me nearly ten minutes, and more than a thousand people enjoyed the view. But, anyway, it is a good law, I say.”
Once I accompanied an American lady to a German Opera House[53 - German Opera House – немецкий оперный театр]. The spectators in the German Schauspielhaus[54 - German Schauspielhaus – немецкий шаушпильхаус-театр] must take off their hats. Again, this is an excellent law! But the American lady disregards rules made by mere man[55 - disregards rules made made by mere man – отбрасывает правила, созданные простыми смертными]. She explained to the doorkeeper[56 - doorkeeper – билетёр/ следящий за порядком в театре] that she was going to wear her hat. He, on his side, explained to her that she was not: they were a bit angry with one another. I took the opportunity to leave them and buy some things: the fewer people there are mixed in an argument, I always think, the better.
My companion explained quite frankly to the doorkeeper that it did not matter what he said, she was not going to take any notice of him. He did not answer. He just stood in the centre of the doorway. As I explained, I was buying something, and when I returned my friend had her hat in her hand, and was digging pins into it: I am sure she was thinking it was the heart of the doorkeeper. She did not want to listen to the opera, she wanted to talk all the time about that doorkeeper, but the people round us did not even let her do that.
Continental Governments[57 - Continental Governments – правительства континентальных государств] have trained their citizens to perfection. Obedience is the Continent’s first law. There is a story of a Spanish king who was nearly drowned because the man whose duty was to dive in after Spanish kings when they fall from the boats had died, and another one had not yet arrived. And I can believe it.
On the Continental railways if you ride second class with a first-class ticket you are probably liable to imprisonment[58 - liable to imprisonment – карается тюремным заключением]. What the penalty is for riding first with a second-class ticket I cannot say-probably death, though a friend of mine came very near to fell it.
He is very honest. He is one of those men who pride themselves because they are honest. I believe he takes a positive pleasure to be honest. He had purchased a second-class ticket, but, by chance, he met a lady acquaintance[59 - he met a lady acquaintance – он встретил одну знакомую] on the platform, and had gone with her into a first-class apartment. When he arrived to his station, he explained to the conductor everything, and, with his purse in his hand, demanded to know the difference. They took him into a room and locked the door. After that they sent for a policeman.
The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour. They did not believe the story about the lady. Where was the lady? He did not know. They searched the neighbourhood for her, but could not find her. The policeman suggested to search my poor friend for bombs[60 - to search my poor friend for bombs – обыскать моего бедного друга на предмет наличия бомбы]. Fortunately, a Cook’s agent[61 - a Cook’s agent – представитель агентства путешествий Кука], with some tourists, arrived on the platform, and explained in delicate language that my friend was a bit stupid and could not distinguish first class from second. It was the red cushions that had deceived my friend: he thought it was first class, as a matter of fact[62 - as a matter of fact – как водится] it was second class.
But the conductor wanted to know about the lady-who had travelled in a second-class with a first-class ticket. And the man of Cook was clever again. He explained that my friend was also a liar. When he said he had travelled with this lady he was merely boasting. He just wanted to travel with her, but his German was not perfect. So my friend’s reputation was re-established. He was not the gangster-only, apparently, a traveling idiot.
Not only the foreign man, woman and child, but the foreign dog is born good. In England, if have a dog, you spend much of your time is to drag the dog out of fights, to quarrel with the possessor of the other dog, to explain to irate elderly lady that your dog did not kill her. With the foreign dog, life is a peaceful. When the foreign dog sees a row, tears come to its eyes: the dog hastens to find a policeman. When the foreign dog sees a cat in a hurry, it stands aside. They dress the foreign dog-some of them-in a little coat, with a pocket for its handkerchief, and put shoes on its feet. They have not given it a hat-not yet. When they do, the dog will raise it politely when it meets a cat.
One morning, in a Continental city, a fox-terrier came across me[63 - came across me – наскочил на меня]. After that I felt its teeth. A fox-terrier belonged to a very young lady. The poor girl was shouting all the way. When she looked round and saw all the things that had happened, she burst into tears. An English owner of that fox-terrier normally will jump upon the nearest tram. But, as I have said, the foreigner is born good. Seven different people were writing down her address.
But I want to talk about the dog. A policeman ran to catch the dog. The delighted dog rushed backwards, it was barking. I told that dog what I thought of him.
I forgot that I was in a foreign land-said my words in English, they were very loud and clear. The dog stood a yard in front of me, it was listening to me with an expression of ecstatic joy.
“Where have I heard that song before? Say it again! Oh! say it again, the dear old English oaths and curses!”
I learnt from the young lady that her dog was an English-born fox-terrier. That explained everything. The foreign dog does not do this sort of thing[64 - does not do this sort of thing – не способна на нечто подобное]. The foreigner is born good: that is why we hate him.
Exercises
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. There is a law in Germany that nobody may sleep on the ground.
2. There is a law in Germany that nobody may ask for money.
3. There is a law in Germany that nobody may scatter paper about the street.
4. There is a law in Germany that nobody may dance outside the house.
ОТВЕТ: There is a law in Germany that nobody may scatter paper about the street.
2. Where was an English military friend of mine?
1. in Dresden
2. in Berlin
3. in Stuttgart
4. in Paris
ОТВЕТ: in Dresden
3. Who is a Cook’s agent?
1. the policeman
2. the travel agent
3. the man who can cook well
4. the military man
ОТВЕТ: the travel agent
4. Why did an American lady disregard rules?
1. Because she did not understand the language.
2. Because she was very proud.
3. Because she did not know what to do.
4. Because she was young.
ОТВЕТ: Because she was very proud.
5. What is a Schauspielhaus?
1. a French cabaret
2. a Russian restaurant
3. an English circus
4. a German theatre
ОТВЕТ: a German theatre
6. Where is Brussels situated?
1. in Belgium
2. in Holland
3. in France
4. in Italy
ОТВЕТ: in Belgium
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. The policeman examined him for some hours.
2. The policeman examined him thirty minutes.
3. The policeman examined him for an hour.
4. The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour.
ОТВЕТ: The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour.
8. Why did the conductor want to know about the lady?
1. Because he wanted to see her ticket.
2. Because he thought my friend was a liar.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
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notes
Примечания
1
some English novelist – некий английский романист
2
over-indulgence in sport – чрезмерное увлечение спортом
3
slow but sure – медленный, но верный
4
They went for their honeymoon – Они отправились на медовый месяц
5
he meant well – у него были лучшие намерения
6
the thing had gone too far – дело зашло слишком далеко
7
give it up, Tammas – брось это, Тэммас
8
Jamie – Джейми
9
Great Heavens! – О Боже!
10
Eton – Итон
11
between paroxysms of coughing – между приступами кашля
12
they don’t care for – они безразличны к
13
Belgium – Бельгия
14
Belgian – бельгийский
15
St. Petersburg – Санкт-Петербург
16
Bordeaux – Бордо
17
the small of the back – поясница
18
bowled him over – сбил его с ног
19
Doherty – Догерти
20
by calling it deuce – объявлением ничьи
21
the earnest player – серьёзный игрок
22
it is the continental sky – причина в континентальном небе
23
on the outskirts of Brussels – в предместье Брюсселя
24
Parisian toilets – парижские туалеты
25
were drawing a harrow – тащили за собой борону
26
Anatole France – Анатоль Франс, французский писатель и литературный критик (1844–1924).
27
is based – зиждется
28
Make-Believe – притворство
29
Susan – Сюзен
30
Flossie – Флосси
31
the Prince of Wales – принц Уэльский
32
to enjoy themselves in their own way – провести время по своему вкусу
33
the fault is the composer’s – в этом вина композитора
34
Little Janet’s recitation – декламирование маленькой Дженет
35
to save time – чтобы сэкономить время
36
the social scale – общественная лестница
37
Dover – Дувр
38
Bayswater – Бейсуотер
39
Angelina – Анжелина
40
Notting Hill – Ноттинг-Хилл
41
Edwin – Эдвин
42
is making it all up – измышляет всё это
43
Mrs. Johnson – миссис Джонсон
44
to mount or descend from a tram – входить или выходить из трамвая
45
Brussels – Брюссель
46
a halt was called – была объявлена остановка
47
from the ground – из-под земли
48
in the passenger’s case – на месте пассажира
49
Dresden – Дрезден
50
he would bear it in mind – он будет иметь это в виду
51
the prison cells – тюремные камеры
52
the fine of forty marks – штраф в сорок марок
53
German Opera House – немецкий оперный театр
54
German Schauspielhaus – немецкий шаушпильхаус-театр
55
disregards rules made made by mere man – отбрасывает правила, созданные простыми смертными
56
doorkeeper – билетёр/ следящий за порядком в театре
57
Continental Governments – правительства континентальных государств
58
liable to imprisonment – карается тюремным заключением
59
he met a lady acquaintance – он встретил одну знакомую
60
to search my poor friend for bombs – обыскать моего бедного друга на предмет наличия бомбы
61
a Cook’s agent – представитель агентства путешествий Кука
62
as a matter of fact – как водится
63
came across me – наскочил на меня
64
does not do this sort of thing – не способна на нечто подобное
Collection
Легко читаем по-английски
Изучение английского языка не обязательно должно состоять лишь из скучного заучивания правил и слов, есть и более веселые способы – например, чтение смешных рассказов. В этот сборник вошли самые знаменитые произведения Дж. К. Джерома, О. Генри, Марка Твена и Г.Х. Манро (Саки), которые помогут сделать процесс обучения более увлекательным.
Тексты адаптированы для продолжающих изучение английского языка (Уровень 2) и сопровождаются комментариями, упражнениями и словарем.
В формате PDF A4 сохранен издательский макет книги.
Сборник
Funny stories / Сборник лучших смешных рассказов. Уровень 2
© Матвеев С.А., адаптация текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь
© Ганненко В.В., адаптация текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь
© ООО «Издательство, АСТ», 2021
Should married men play golf?
Jerome K. Jerome
People know that we Englishmen attach too much importance to sport, it is well-known, indeed. One can wait: some day some English novelist[1 - some English novelist – некий английский романист] will write a book, showing the evil effects of over-indulgence in sport[2 - over-indulgence in sport – чрезмерное увлечение спортом]: the ruined business, the ruined home, the slow but sure[3 - slow but sure – медленный, но верный] destroying of the brain, which leads to foolishness.
I once heard of a young couple. They went for their honeymoon[4 - They went for their honeymoon – Они отправились на медовый месяц] to Scotland. The poor girl did not know he was a golfer (he won her heart when his shoulder was broken). They decided to make a tour. The second day the man went out for a walk. At dinner-time he noticed that it seemed a pretty place they had found, and suggested to stay there another day. The next morning after breakfast he borrowed a club from the hotel porter, and remarked that he would take a walk. He returned in time for lunch and seemed angry all the afternoon. He said the air was good for him, and urged that they should stay another day.
She was young and did not know much, and thought, maybe, he had a liver-ache. She had heard much about liver from her father. The next morning he borrowed more clubs, and went out, this time before breakfast, returning late and even more angry than before. That was the end of their honeymoon. He meant well[5 - he meant well – у него были лучшие намерения], but the thing had gone too far[6 - the thing had gone too far – дело зашло слишком далеко]. The vice had entered into his blood.
Many people, I think, heard about the golfing priest, who was always swearing when he lost.
“Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together,” his friend told him. “Take my advice before it’s too late, and give it up, Tammas[7 - give it up, Tammas – брось это, Тэммас].”
A few months later Tammas met his friend again.
“You were right, Jamie[8 - Jamie – Джейми],” cried the priest, “golf and the ministry are not friends, I have followed your advice: I have given it up.”
“Then what are you doing with that sack of clubs?” inquired Jamie.
“What am I doing with them?” repeated the puzzled Tammas. “I am going to play golf with them! Great Heavens[9 - Great Heavens! – О Боже!], man!” he continued, “you don’t think it was the golf that I’d given up?”
The Englishman does not understand how to play. He makes a life-long labour of his sport, and to it sacrifices mind and body. The health resorts of Europe draw half their profits from the playing fields of Eton[10 - Eton – Итон] and everywhere. In Swiss and German resorts enormously fat men come to you and explain to you that once they were the champions or the best sportsmen of their university-men who now cannot go upstairs. Fat men, between paroxysms of coughing[11 - between paroxysms of coughing – между приступами кашля], tell you of the goals they scored when they were extraordinary forwards. Unhappy sportsmen – you can meet them everywhere.
They are pitiable people. They can read only sport news, books are of no use to them. They never trained much their mind, and, apparently, have lost the ability to think. They don’t care for[12 - they don’t care for – они безразличны к] art, and Nature only suggests to them the things they can no longer do. The mountain reminds them that once they could sleigh; the field makes them sad because they can no longer handle a golf-club; by the riverside they sit down and tell you of the salmon they caught; birds only remind them about guns; music raises visions of the local cricket-match and the local band. We are sorry for them, but their stories are not interesting. The man who has other interests in life beyond sport is deaf to them; while they do not want to talk to one another. They do not believe one another.
The foreigner is taking our sports; we hope he will be warned by our example. Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe. But yet the Frenchman prefers to play with his head, not with his legs. He would rather catch the ball upon his head than score a goal. He does not seem to care what happens with the ball. Anybody can have the ball; he has had his game and is happy.
They talk of introducing cricket into Belgium[13 - Belgium – Бельгия]; I shall certainly try to be present at the opening game. I am afraid that the Belgian[14 - Belgian – бельгийский] player will stop cricket balls with his heads. That the head is the proper thing with which to play ball appears to be in his blood. My head is round, he thinks, and hard, just like the ball itself; what part of the human body is better to meet and stop a ball?
Tennis is firmly established from St. Petersburg[15 - St. Petersburg – Санкт-Петербург] to Bordeaux[16 - Bordeaux – Бордо]. University professors, rising early in the morning, hire boys and practise it. But to the Frenchman, as yet, it is a game. He plays it in a happy, merry fashion, that is shocking to English eyes.
Your partner’s game astonishes you. His ball runs outside the field constantly. The joyous laughter of the spectators explain everything. Your partner was trying to hit a man in the next court who was busy with his shoe-lace. With his last ball he has succeeded. He has hit the man in the small of the back[17 - the small of the back – поясница], and has bowled him over[18 - bowled him over – сбил его с ног]. Doherty[19 - Doherty – Догерти] himself has never won greater applause from the crowd. Even the man who has been hit is pleased.
But the Frenchman forgets his shoe, he forgets his game. He gathers together all the balls that he can find; his balls, your balls, anybody’s balls. And then commences the return match. At this point it is better to quit. Most of the players follow this plan; they go to the club-house, and, finding themselves there, order coffee and light up cigarettes. After a while both players appear to be satisfied.
In about half-an-hour or so, when everybody is tired completely, the game-the original game-is resumed. You demand the score; your partner promptly says it is “forty-fifteen.” Both your opponents rush up to the net, and apparently there is going to be a duel. After a while they suggest a compromise. The discussion is concluded by calling it deuce[20 - by calling it deuce – объявлением ничьи]. As it is rare for a game to proceed without some such incident occurring in the middle of it, the score generally is deuce. Nobody wins and nobody loses.
To the earnest player[21 - the earnest player – серьёзный игрок], it is also confusing to miss your partner occasionally-to turn round and find that he is talking to a man. Five minutes later he resumes the game. His friend comes with him, also the dog of his friend. The dog is welcomed with enthusiasm; all balls are returned to the dog. Until the dog is tired you cannot play.
But all this will no doubt soon be changed. There are some excellent French and Belgian players. The Frenchman is young in the game. He will also learn to keep the balls lower.
I suppose it is the continental sky[22 - it is the continental sky – причина в континентальном небе]. It is so blue, so beautiful; it naturally attracts one. So most tennis players on the Continent, whether English or foreign, try to aim the ball direct at Heaven. At an English club in Switzerland there was in my days a young Englishman who was really a wonderful player. He never passed the ball. But he was weak returning it. The ball went a hundred feet or so into the air and descended in his opponent’s court. The other man was standing and watching the ball, a little point in the Heavens, growing gradually bigger and bigger as it neared the earth. The ball fall at his feet, rise another twenty yards or so and again descend. When it was at the proper height he hit it back over the net, and the next moment it was mounting the sky again. I have seen that young man, with tears in his eyes, was pleading to be given an umpire. Every umpire had fled. They hid behind trees, pretended they were visitors, they wanted to avoid the task of umpiring for that young man. Such a game might last all day. Anyone could return his balls; but, as I have said, nobody could get a ball past him. He won; the other man, after an hour or so, was getting mad and trying to lose. It was his only chance of dinner.
Generally speaking, a tennis ground abroad is a pretty sight. The women pay more attention to their costumes than do our lady players. The men are usually in white. The ground is often in a wonderful place, the club-house is picturesque; there is always laughter and joy. The play may not be so good to watch, but the picture is delightful. I accompanied a man a little while ago to his club on the outskirts of Brussels[23 - on the outskirts of Brussels – в предместье Брюсселя]. The ground was bordered by a wood.
It was a glorious spring afternoon. The courts were crowded. The red earth and the green grass formed a background against which the women, in their new Parisian toilets[24 - Parisian toilets – парижские туалеты], under their bright parasols, stood out like moving flowers. The whole atmosphere was delightful.
Just nearby a group of peasants were working in the field. An old woman and a young girl, with ropes about their shoulders, were drawing a harrow[25 - were drawing a harrow – тащили за собой борону], an old man was guiding them. They paused for a moment at the wire fencing, and looked through. It was an odd contrast; the two worlds divided by the wire fencing-so slight, almost invisible. The girl swept the sweat from her face with her hand; the woman pushed back her grey locks underneath the handkerchief about her head; the old man stood himself with some difficulty. So they stood for a minute, gazing with quiet faces through that slight fencing.
Was there any thought, I wonder, passing through their brains? The young girl-she was very nice in spite of her ugly garments. The woman-she had a wonderfully fine face: clear, calm eyes under a square broad brow.
The old man bent again over the guiding ropes. They moved forward up the hill. It is Anatole France[26 - Anatole France – Анатоль Франс, французский писатель и литературный критик (1844–1924).], I think, who says: Society is based[27 - is based – зиждется] upon the patience of the poor.
Exercises
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. Baseball is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
2. Hockey is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
3. Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
4. Basketball is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
ОТВЕТ:
Football is gaining favour more and more throughout Europe.
2. Who won greater applause from the crowd?
1. Adams
2. Tammas
3. Anatole France
4. Doherty
ОТВЕТ: Doherty
3. Who does not understand how to play?
1. The Englishman
2. The Frenchman
3. The German
4. The Spanishman
ОТВЕТ: The Englishman
4. How many peasants were working in the field?
1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Four
ОТВЕТ: Three
5. What is a club?
1. It is a round object.
2. It is a stick used to hit a golf ball.
3. It is a piece of equipment used to play tennis.
4. It is a hollow rubber ball.
ОТВЕТ: It is a stick used to hit a golf ball.
6. What does an English novelist do?
1. He teaches English.
2. He plays golf.
3. He writes novels.
4. He reads novels.
ОТВЕТ: He writes novels.
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. Tennis and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
2. Golf and shopping don’t seem to go together.
3. Football and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
4. Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
ОТВЕТ: Golf and the ministry don’t seem to go together.
8. What does the Frenchman prefers to play with?
1. The Frenchman prefers to play with his head.
2. The Frenchman prefers to play with his legs.
3. The Frenchman prefers to play with his hands.
4. The Frenchman prefers to play with his fingers.
ОТВЕТ: The Frenchman prefers to play with his head.
9. Where did a young couple go for their honeymoon?
1. to Belgium
2. to England
3. to Scotland
4. to France
ОТВЕТ: to Scotland
10. Выберите нужный глагол:
At dinner-time he noticed that it seemed a pretty place they ____________________ found, and suggested to stay there another day.
1. had
2. have
3. will
4. are
ОТВЕТ: had
11. Выберите нужные глаголы:
Fat men, between paroxysms of coughing, ____________________ you of the goals they ____________________ when they were extraordinary forwards.
1. told, score
2. tell, score
3. had told, scored
4. tell, scored
ОТВЕТ: tell, scored
12. Выберите нужный предлог:
He makes a life-long labour ____________________ his sport, and to it sacrifices mind and body.
1. by
2. at
3. of
4. with
ОТВЕТ: of
13. Ответьте на вопросы:
1. Who tells the story?
2. What is the name of the famous French writer mentioned in the story?
3. What have you learned about golf?
4. What do you like and what don’t you like in golf?
5. What would you do if you were playing golf?
6. What is the end of the story?
7. How can you explain the title of the story?
8. Retell the story.
14. Заполните таблицу:
hear ____________________ ____________________
____________________ went ____________________
____________________ ____________________ done
meet ____________________ ____________________
____________________ gave ____________________
ОТВЕТ:
hear-heard-heard
go-went-gone
do-did-done
meet-met-met
give-gave-given
Should we say what we think, or think what we say?
Jerome K. Jerome
A mad friend of mine says that the main word of the age is Make-Believe[28 - Make-Believe – притворство]. He claims that all social intercourse is founded on make-believe. A servant enters to say that Mr. and Mrs. Bore are in the living-room.
“Oh, damn!” says the man.
“Hush!” says the woman. “Shut the door, Susan[29 - Susan – Сюзен]. How often am I to tell you never to leave the door open?”
The man creeps upstairs on tiptoe and enters his study room. The woman tries not to show her feelings, and then enters the living-room with a smile. She looks as if an angel has arrived. She says how delighted she is to see the Bores-how good it was of them to come. Why did they not bring more Bores with them? Where is naughty Bore junior? Why does he never come to see her now? She will have to be really angry with him. And sweet little Flossie[30 - Flossie – Флосси] Bore? Too young to visit friends! Nonsense.
The Bores, who had hoped that she was not at home-who have only come because the etiquette book told them that they had to come at least four times in the season, explain how they have been trying and trying to come.
“This afternoon,” says Mrs. Bore, “we decided to come for sure. ‘John, dear,’ I said this morning, ‘I shall go and see dear Mrs. Bounder this afternoon, no matter what happens.’”
It looks like the Prince of Wales[31 - the Prince of Wales – принц Уэльский], who wanted to visit the Bores, was told that he could not come in. He might call again in the evening or come some other day.
That afternoon the Bores were going to enjoy themselves in their own way[32 - to enjoy themselves in their own way – провести время по своему вкусу]; they were going to see Mrs. Bounder.
“And how is Mr. Bounder?” asks Mrs. Bore.
Mrs. Bounder remains mute for a moment. She can hear how he goes downstairs. She hears how the front door softly opens and closes.
And thus it is, not only with the Bores and Bounders, but even with us who are not Bores or Bounders. Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming; that we are delighted to see everybody; that everybody is delighted to see us; that it is so good of everybody to come; that we are desolate at the thought that they really must go now.
What will we prefer-to stop and finish our cigar or to hasten into the living-room to hear Miss Screecher’s songs? Miss Screecher does not want to sing; but if we insist-We do insist. Miss Screecher consents. We are trying not to look at one another. We sit and examine the ceiling. Miss Screecher finishes, and rises.
“But it was so short,” we say. Is Miss Screecher sure that was the end? Didn’t she miss a verse? Miss Screecher assures us that the fault is the composer’s[33 - the fault is the composer’s – в этом вина композитора]. But she knows another. So our faces lighten again with gladness.
Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted. No, not another glass; we dare not-doctor’s orders, very strict. Our host’s cigar! We did not know they made such cigars in this world. No, we really cannot smoke another. Well, if he insists, may we put it in our pocket? The truth is, we do not like to smoke.
Our hostess’s coffee! Will she tell us her secret?
The baby! The usual baby-we have seen it. To be honest, we do not like babies a lot. But this baby! It is just the kind we wanted for ourselves.
Little Janet’s recitation[34 - Little Janet’s recitation – декламирование маленькой Дженет]: “A Visit to the Dentist”! This is genius, surely. She must train for the stage. Her mother does not like the stage. But the theatre will lose such talent.
Every bride is beautiful. Every bride looks charming in a simple dress of-for further particulars see local papers. Every marriage is a cause for universal rejoicing. With our wine-glass in our hand we picture the best life for them. How can it be otherwise? She, the daughter of her mother. (Cheers.) He-well, we all know him. (More cheers.)
We carry our make-believe even into our religion. We sit in church, and say to the God, that we are miserable worms-that there is no good in us. It does us no harm, we must do it anyway.
We make-believe that every woman is good, that every man is honest-until they show us, against our will, that they are not. Then we become very angry with them, and explain to them that they are such sinners, and are not to mix with us perfect people.
Everybody goes to a better world when they have got all they can here. We stand around the open grave and tell each other so. The clergyman is so assured of it that, to save time[35 - to save time – чтобы сэкономить время], they have written out the formula for him and had it printed in a little book.
When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven. I was thinking about all the people that had died, there were too many people there. Almost I felt sorry for the Devil, forgotten and abandoned. I saw him in imagination, a lonely old gentleman, sitting at his gate day after day, doing nothing. An old nurse whom I told my ideas was sure that he would get me anyhow. Maybe I was an evil-hearted boy. But the thought of how he will welcome me, the only human being that he had seen for years, made me almost happy.
At every public meeting the chief speaker is always “a good fellow.” The man from Mars, reading our newspapers, will be convinced that every Member of Parliament was a jovial, kindly, high-hearted, generous-souled saint. We have always listened with pleasure to the brilliant speech of our friend who has just sat down.
The higher one ascends in the social scale[36 - the social scale – общественная лестница], the wider becomes the make-believe. When anything sad happens to a very important person, the lesser people round about him hardly can live. So one wonders sometimes how it is the world continues to exist.
Once upon a time a certain good and great man became ill. I read in the newspaper that the whole nation was in grief. People dining in restaurants dropped their heads upon the table and sobbed. Strangers, meeting in the street, cried like little children. I was abroad at the time, but began to return home. I almost felt ashamed to go. I looked at myself in the mirror, and was shocked at my own appearance: there was a man who had not been in trouble for weeks. Surely, I had a shallow nature. I had had luck with a play in America, and I just could not look grief-stricken. There were moments when I found myself whistling!
The first man I talked to on Dover[37 - Dover – Дувр] pier was a Customs House official. He appeared quite pleased when he found 48 cigars. He demanded the tax, and chuckled when he got it.
On Dover
platform a little girl laughed because a lady dropped a handbox on a dog; but then children are always callous-or, perhaps, she had not heard the news.
What astonished me most, however, was to find in the train a respectable looking man who was reading a comic journal. True, he did not laugh much; but what was a grief-stricken citizen doing with a comic journal, anyhow? I had come to the conclusion that we English must be a people of wonderful self-control. The day before, as newspapers wrote, the whole country was in serious danger of a broken heart. “We have cried all day,” they had said to themselves, “we have cried all night. Now let us live once again.” Some of them-I noticed it in the hotel dining-room that evening-were returning to their food again.
We make believe about quite serious things. In war, each country’s soldiers are always the most courageous in the world. The other country’s soldiers are always treacherous and sly; that is why they sometimes win. Literature is the art of make-believe.
“Now all of you sit round and throw your pennies in the cap,” says the author, “and I will pretend that there lives in Bayswater[38 - Bayswater – Бейсуотер] a young lady named Angelina[39 - Angelina – Анжелина], who is the most beautiful young lady that ever existed. And in Notting Hill[40 - Notting Hill – Ноттинг-Хилл], we will pretend, there lives a young man named Edwin[41 - Edwin – Эдвин], who is in love with Angelina.”
And then, if there are some pennies in the cap, the author pretends that Angelina thought this and said that, and that Edwin did all sorts of wonderful things. We know he is making it all up[42 - is making it all up – измышляет всё это]. We know he is making up just to please us. But we know well enough that if we stop to throw the pennies into the cap, the author can do another things.
The manager bangs his drum.
“Come here! come here!” he cries, “we are going to pretend that Mrs. Johnson[43 - Mrs. Johnson – миссис Джонсон] is a princess, and old man Johnson is going to pretend to be a pirate. Come here, come here, and be in time!”
So Mrs. Johnson, pretending to be a princess, comes out of a paper house that we agree to pretend is a castle; and old man Johnson, pretending to be a pirate, is swimming in the thing we agree to pretend is the ocean. Mrs. Johnson pretends to be in love with him, but we know she is not. And Johnson pretends to be a very terrible person; and Mrs. Johnson pretends, till eleven o’clock, to believe it. And we pay money to sit for two hours and listen to them.
But as I explained at the beginning, my friend is a mad person.
Exercises
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. We make believe about quite serious things.
2. We make believe about quite stupid things.
3. We make believe about quite incredible things.
4. We make believe about quite common things.
ОТВЕТ: We make believe about quite serious things.
2. Where does a young man, who is in love with Angelina, live?
1. in Bayswater
2. in Dover
3. in London
4. in Notting Hill
ОТВЕТ: in Notting Hill
3. Who is the Prince of Wales?
1. It is a title granted to princes lived in Wales.
2. It is a title granted to princes born in England.
3. It is a title granted to princes married in Wales.
4. It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.
ОТВЕТ: It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.
4. How many cigars did a Customs House official find?
1. 35 cigars
2. 48 cigars
3. 24 cigars
4. 53 cigars
ОТВЕТ: 48 cigars
5. “Jovial” is NOT…
1. amiable
2. festive
3. angry
4. good-natured
ОТВЕТ: angry
6. What does it mean “to save time”?
1. to have extra time
2. to do useless things
3. to have a good time
4. to sleep
ОТВЕТ: to have extra time
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to hell.
2. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.
3. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to London.
4. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to Scotland.
ОТВЕТ: When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.
8. What is Mrs. Johnson’s paper house?
1. a hut
2. a car
3. a bathroom
4. a castle
ОТВЕТ: a castle
9. Who must be a people of wonderful self-control?
1. English
2. French
3. German
4. Scottish
ОТВЕТ: English
10. Выберите нужный глагол:
She must ____________________ for the stage.
1. dance
2. gain
3. go
4. train
ОТВЕТ: She must train for the stage.
11. Выберите нужные глаголы:
Our host’s wine ____________________ always the best we ____________________ ever tasted.
1. was, will
2. is, have
3. is, are
4. has, have
ОТВЕТ: Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted.
12. Выберите нужный предлог:
Any society is founded ____________________ the make-believe that everybody is charming.
1. on
2. in
3. at
4. after
ОТВЕТ: Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming.
13. Ответьте на вопросы:
1. How many actors are mentioned in the story?
2. What are their names?
3. What have you learned about make-believe?
4. What do you like and what don’t you like in Miss Screecher?
5. What would you do if you were Mrs. Johnson?
6. What is the end of the story?
7. How can you explain the title of the story?
8. Retell the story.
14. Заполните таблицу:
tell ____________________ ____________________
____________________ said ____________________
____________________ ____________________ put
break ____________________ ____________________
____________________ cried ____________________
ОТВЕТ:
tell-told-told
say-said-said
put-put-put
break-broke-broken
cry-cried-cried
Why we hate the foreigner
Jerome K. Jerome
The advantage of the foreigner is following: he is born good. He does not have to try to be good, as we, the Englishmen, do. He does not have to start the New Year with the decision to be good, and succeed till the middle of January. He is just good all the year round. When they tell a foreigner to mount or descend from a tram[44 - to mount or descend from a tram – входить или выходить из трамвая] from the right side, he will never try to descend that tram from the left side.
In Brussels[45 - Brussels – Брюссель] once I saw a lawless foreigner who was trying to enter a tram from the wrong side. The door was open: he was standing close beside it. A line of traffic was in his way, so he just entered when the conductor was not looking, and took his seat. The astonishment of the conductor was immense. How did he get there?
The conductor was watching the proper entrance, and the man had not passed him. Later, the true explanation came to the conductor, but he hesitated to accuse that man of such crime.
Anyway, the conductor appealed to the passenger himself. Was his presence a miracle or a sin? The passenger confessed. The conductor requested him to leave the tram immediately. The passenger refused to do so, a halt was called[46 - a halt was called – была объявлена остановка], and the police arrived. As usual, they appeared from the ground[47 - from the ground – из-под земли]. At first the sergeant did not believe the conductor’s statement. Myself, in the passenger’s case[48 - in the passenger’s case – на месте пассажира], I would lie. But he was proud, or stupid-one of the two, and he told the truth. The police said that he had to descend immediately and wait for the next tram. Other policemen were arriving from every corner: nowhere to run. The passenger decided get down. He walked to the proper door, but that was not correct. He had mounted the wrong side, he must descend on the wrong side, too. After that the conductor told a sermon from the centre of the tram on the danger of going from the wrong side.
There is a law in Germany-an excellent law it is-that nobody may scatter paper about the street. An English military friend told me that, one day in Dresden[49 - Dresden – Дрезден], he tore a long letter into some fifty fragments and threw them behind him. A policeman stopped him and explained to him quite politely the law. My military friend agreed that it was a very good law, thanked the man for his information, and said that for the future he would bear it in mind[50 - he would bear it in mind – он будет иметь это в виду]. But the policeman was not satisfied. He offered my friend to pick up those fifty pieces of paper. My friend did not see himself, an English General, on his hands and knees in the main street of Dresden, in the middle of the afternoon, picking up paper.
The German policeman agreed that the situation was awkward. If the English General cannot accept it there is an alternative: to accompany the policeman to the nearest prison, three miles away. It was four o’clock in the afternoon, the judge probably went away. But the prison cells[51 - the prison cells – тюремные камеры] are very comfortable, and the policeman is sure that the General, after the fine of forty marks[52 - the fine of forty marks – штраф в сорок марок], will be a free man again tomorrow. The General suggested to hire a boy to pick up the paper.
The policeman answered that it was not be permitted.
“I did not think,” my friend told me, “that picking up small pieces of thin paper off greasy stones was the hardest business of mine! It took me nearly ten minutes, and more than a thousand people enjoyed the view. But, anyway, it is a good law, I say.”
Once I accompanied an American lady to a German Opera House[53 - German Opera House – немецкий оперный театр]. The spectators in the German Schauspielhaus[54 - German Schauspielhaus – немецкий шаушпильхаус-театр] must take off their hats. Again, this is an excellent law! But the American lady disregards rules made by mere man[55 - disregards rules made made by mere man – отбрасывает правила, созданные простыми смертными]. She explained to the doorkeeper[56 - doorkeeper – билетёр/ следящий за порядком в театре] that she was going to wear her hat. He, on his side, explained to her that she was not: they were a bit angry with one another. I took the opportunity to leave them and buy some things: the fewer people there are mixed in an argument, I always think, the better.
My companion explained quite frankly to the doorkeeper that it did not matter what he said, she was not going to take any notice of him. He did not answer. He just stood in the centre of the doorway. As I explained, I was buying something, and when I returned my friend had her hat in her hand, and was digging pins into it: I am sure she was thinking it was the heart of the doorkeeper. She did not want to listen to the opera, she wanted to talk all the time about that doorkeeper, but the people round us did not even let her do that.
Continental Governments[57 - Continental Governments – правительства континентальных государств] have trained their citizens to perfection. Obedience is the Continent’s first law. There is a story of a Spanish king who was nearly drowned because the man whose duty was to dive in after Spanish kings when they fall from the boats had died, and another one had not yet arrived. And I can believe it.
On the Continental railways if you ride second class with a first-class ticket you are probably liable to imprisonment[58 - liable to imprisonment – карается тюремным заключением]. What the penalty is for riding first with a second-class ticket I cannot say-probably death, though a friend of mine came very near to fell it.
He is very honest. He is one of those men who pride themselves because they are honest. I believe he takes a positive pleasure to be honest. He had purchased a second-class ticket, but, by chance, he met a lady acquaintance[59 - he met a lady acquaintance – он встретил одну знакомую] on the platform, and had gone with her into a first-class apartment. When he arrived to his station, he explained to the conductor everything, and, with his purse in his hand, demanded to know the difference. They took him into a room and locked the door. After that they sent for a policeman.
The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour. They did not believe the story about the lady. Where was the lady? He did not know. They searched the neighbourhood for her, but could not find her. The policeman suggested to search my poor friend for bombs[60 - to search my poor friend for bombs – обыскать моего бедного друга на предмет наличия бомбы]. Fortunately, a Cook’s agent[61 - a Cook’s agent – представитель агентства путешествий Кука], with some tourists, arrived on the platform, and explained in delicate language that my friend was a bit stupid and could not distinguish first class from second. It was the red cushions that had deceived my friend: he thought it was first class, as a matter of fact[62 - as a matter of fact – как водится] it was second class.
But the conductor wanted to know about the lady-who had travelled in a second-class with a first-class ticket. And the man of Cook was clever again. He explained that my friend was also a liar. When he said he had travelled with this lady he was merely boasting. He just wanted to travel with her, but his German was not perfect. So my friend’s reputation was re-established. He was not the gangster-only, apparently, a traveling idiot.
Not only the foreign man, woman and child, but the foreign dog is born good. In England, if have a dog, you spend much of your time is to drag the dog out of fights, to quarrel with the possessor of the other dog, to explain to irate elderly lady that your dog did not kill her. With the foreign dog, life is a peaceful. When the foreign dog sees a row, tears come to its eyes: the dog hastens to find a policeman. When the foreign dog sees a cat in a hurry, it stands aside. They dress the foreign dog-some of them-in a little coat, with a pocket for its handkerchief, and put shoes on its feet. They have not given it a hat-not yet. When they do, the dog will raise it politely when it meets a cat.
One morning, in a Continental city, a fox-terrier came across me[63 - came across me – наскочил на меня]. After that I felt its teeth. A fox-terrier belonged to a very young lady. The poor girl was shouting all the way. When she looked round and saw all the things that had happened, she burst into tears. An English owner of that fox-terrier normally will jump upon the nearest tram. But, as I have said, the foreigner is born good. Seven different people were writing down her address.
But I want to talk about the dog. A policeman ran to catch the dog. The delighted dog rushed backwards, it was barking. I told that dog what I thought of him.
I forgot that I was in a foreign land-said my words in English, they were very loud and clear. The dog stood a yard in front of me, it was listening to me with an expression of ecstatic joy.
“Where have I heard that song before? Say it again! Oh! say it again, the dear old English oaths and curses!”
I learnt from the young lady that her dog was an English-born fox-terrier. That explained everything. The foreign dog does not do this sort of thing[64 - does not do this sort of thing – не способна на нечто подобное]. The foreigner is born good: that is why we hate him.
Exercises
1. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. There is a law in Germany that nobody may sleep on the ground.
2. There is a law in Germany that nobody may ask for money.
3. There is a law in Germany that nobody may scatter paper about the street.
4. There is a law in Germany that nobody may dance outside the house.
ОТВЕТ: There is a law in Germany that nobody may scatter paper about the street.
2. Where was an English military friend of mine?
1. in Dresden
2. in Berlin
3. in Stuttgart
4. in Paris
ОТВЕТ: in Dresden
3. Who is a Cook’s agent?
1. the policeman
2. the travel agent
3. the man who can cook well
4. the military man
ОТВЕТ: the travel agent
4. Why did an American lady disregard rules?
1. Because she did not understand the language.
2. Because she was very proud.
3. Because she did not know what to do.
4. Because she was young.
ОТВЕТ: Because she was very proud.
5. What is a Schauspielhaus?
1. a French cabaret
2. a Russian restaurant
3. an English circus
4. a German theatre
ОТВЕТ: a German theatre
6. Where is Brussels situated?
1. in Belgium
2. in Holland
3. in France
4. in Italy
ОТВЕТ: in Belgium
7. Выберите правильный вариант:
1. The policeman examined him for some hours.
2. The policeman examined him thirty minutes.
3. The policeman examined him for an hour.
4. The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour.
ОТВЕТ: The policeman examined him for about a quarter of an hour.
8. Why did the conductor want to know about the lady?
1. Because he wanted to see her ticket.
2. Because he thought my friend was a liar.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
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notes
Примечания
1
some English novelist – некий английский романист
2
over-indulgence in sport – чрезмерное увлечение спортом
3
slow but sure – медленный, но верный
4
They went for their honeymoon – Они отправились на медовый месяц
5
he meant well – у него были лучшие намерения
6
the thing had gone too far – дело зашло слишком далеко
7
give it up, Tammas – брось это, Тэммас
8
Jamie – Джейми
9
Great Heavens! – О Боже!
10
Eton – Итон
11
between paroxysms of coughing – между приступами кашля
12
they don’t care for – они безразличны к
13
Belgium – Бельгия
14
Belgian – бельгийский
15
St. Petersburg – Санкт-Петербург
16
Bordeaux – Бордо
17
the small of the back – поясница
18
bowled him over – сбил его с ног
19
Doherty – Догерти
20
by calling it deuce – объявлением ничьи
21
the earnest player – серьёзный игрок
22
it is the continental sky – причина в континентальном небе
23
on the outskirts of Brussels – в предместье Брюсселя
24
Parisian toilets – парижские туалеты
25
were drawing a harrow – тащили за собой борону
26
Anatole France – Анатоль Франс, французский писатель и литературный критик (1844–1924).
27
is based – зиждется
28
Make-Believe – притворство
29
Susan – Сюзен
30
Flossie – Флосси
31
the Prince of Wales – принц Уэльский
32
to enjoy themselves in their own way – провести время по своему вкусу
33
the fault is the composer’s – в этом вина композитора
34
Little Janet’s recitation – декламирование маленькой Дженет
35
to save time – чтобы сэкономить время
36
the social scale – общественная лестница
37
Dover – Дувр
38
Bayswater – Бейсуотер
39
Angelina – Анжелина
40
Notting Hill – Ноттинг-Хилл
41
Edwin – Эдвин
42
is making it all up – измышляет всё это
43
Mrs. Johnson – миссис Джонсон
44
to mount or descend from a tram – входить или выходить из трамвая
45
Brussels – Брюссель
46
a halt was called – была объявлена остановка
47
from the ground – из-под земли
48
in the passenger’s case – на месте пассажира
49
Dresden – Дрезден
50
he would bear it in mind – он будет иметь это в виду
51
the prison cells – тюремные камеры
52
the fine of forty marks – штраф в сорок марок
53
German Opera House – немецкий оперный театр
54
German Schauspielhaus – немецкий шаушпильхаус-театр
55
disregards rules made made by mere man – отбрасывает правила, созданные простыми смертными
56
doorkeeper – билетёр/ следящий за порядком в театре
57
Continental Governments – правительства континентальных государств
58
liable to imprisonment – карается тюремным заключением
59
he met a lady acquaintance – он встретил одну знакомую
60
to search my poor friend for bombs – обыскать моего бедного друга на предмет наличия бомбы
61
a Cook’s agent – представитель агентства путешествий Кука
62
as a matter of fact – как водится
63
came across me – наскочил на меня
64
does not do this sort of thing – не способна на нечто подобное
Сборник
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Зарубежная классика
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: АСТ
Дата публикации: 01.07.2024
Отзывы: Пока нет Добавить отзыв
О книге: Изучение английского языка не обязательно должно состоять лишь из скучного заучивания правил и слов, есть и более веселые способы – например, чтение смешных рассказов. В этот сборник вошли самые знаменитые произведения Дж. К. Джерома, О. Генри, Марка Твена и Г.Х. Манро (Саки), которые помогут сделать процесс обучения более увлекательным.