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488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct
Kitty Flanagan
488 Rules for Life is Kitty Flanagan's way of making the world a more pleasant place to live. Providing you with the antidote to every annoying little thing, these rules are not made to be broken. 488 Rules for Life is not a self-help book, because it's not you who needs help, it's other people. Whether they're walking and texting, asphyxiating you on public transport with their noxious perfume cloud, or leaving one useless square of toilet paper on the roll, a lot of people just don't know the rules. But thanks to Kitty Flanagan's comprehensive guide to modern behaviour, our world will soon be a much better place. A place where people don't ruin the fruit salad by putting banana in it … where your co-workers respect your olfactory system and don't reheat their fish curry in the office microwave … where middle aged men don't have ponytails … Other rules to live by include: 1. Men must wear shorts over leggingsThe gym is no place for people to discover whether or not you are circumcised. That’s a private discussion for another place and time. 2. Team bonding activities should be optionalSome people love it when management decides that an afternoon of bowling or paintballing or (god forbid) karaoke will help everyone work better as a team. Others would rather be dead. 3. Don’t ever mention your ‘happy place’To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement. What started as a personal joke is now a quintessential reference book with the power to change society. (Or, at least, make it a bit less irritating. ) What people are (Kitty Flanagan is) saying about this book: 'You're welcome everyone. ' 'Thank god for me. ' 'I'd rather be sad and lonely, but right. ' 'There's not actually 488 rules in here but it sure feels like it'.





Copyright (#ulink_10a89b40-a6a3-5e4b-b451-cd1b7f606ebf)
Neither the author nor the publisher has any connection with either Jordan Peterson, the author of 12 Rules for Life, or the publisher of that book, and readers must not interpret anything in this book as giving rise to any such connection.
HarperCollinsPublishers
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London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Australia by Allen & Unwin 2019
This edition HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
FIRST EDITION
© Kitty Flanagan 2019
Cover design by Tohby Riddle © HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
Cover illustration © Tohby Riddle
Internal illustrations by Tohby Riddle
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Kitty Flanagan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Source ISBN: 9780008391836
Ebook Edition © November 2019 ISBN: 9780008391843
Version 2019-11-12

Dedication (#ulink_3e336ff7-c54c-526c-a267-5ae580a25723)
For Marmee

Contents
Cover (#u8cb5d28a-b178-5d0c-a9aa-a24883c90a2a)
Title Page (#ue3f75801-7fe6-5c1f-b5e8-de1eb0b7874c)

Copyright

Dedication

A word from the author

How to use this book

THE FUNDAMENTAL RULE

AROUND THE HOME

HEALTH & LIFESTYLE

AT THE OFFICE

LANGUAGE

PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES

FOOD

RELATIONSHIPS & DATING

PARENTING

FASHION

AT THE MOVIES

AT THE SHOPS

TECHNOLOGY

SPORT

PARTIES & CELEBRATIONS

HOLIDAYS & TRAVEL

ART & ENTERTAINMENT

THE FINAL RULE

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Other Books By

About the Publisher
A word from the author (#ulink_bcf70cdb-15be-538b-911e-c2c197346075)
This book started out as a five-minute segment on ABC TV’s The Weekly program, it was inspired by the bestselling book 12 Rules for Life and it was a joke. I took issue with the fact that author, Jordan Peterson, only had twelve rules. Twelve? For life? That’s madness, I have more than twelve rules just for the bathroom.
After the segment aired, I kept being stopped by people wanting to know where they could buy this book (that didn’t actually exist) called 488 Rules for Life. It was suddenly apparent that I wasn’t the only crackpot out there who loves rules. So I decided to do the book for real. But it’s still a joke. Even I admit that 488 is a lot of rules and obviously no one will like all of the rules, but I’m pretty sure everyone will like some of the rules. And when you do hit a particular rule that resonates, it will make you feel really good—you’ll enjoy the fact that someone else gets as annoyed or outraged or exhausted by the same things you do.
If, by some chance, you manage to read the entire book and don’t find a single rule you agree with and instead keep thinking, I don’t get why she’s so irritated by people? Why can’t she just live and let live? that’s okay, that’s your prerogative … as long as you understand you are probably really annoying a lot of people around you with your unbearable positivity and your ‘I love everything’ attitude.
I think, deep down, people are crying out for rules. Once it was commonplace to look to published guides for advice on behaviour, protocol and etiquette. Guides produced by recognised authorities, such as Debrett’s in the United Kingdom and Emily Post in the United States. Even in Australia we had our very own Miss Manners, the formidable June Dally-Watkins—I met her once, she didn’t say hello, she just looked me up and down and told me in no uncertain terms I should never wear a white bra under a white shirt. ‘Always nude, dear, always nude.’
But these days there is no such guide in circulation, and I believe the rise in rude behaviour and the lack of basic courtesy we are witnessing in the modern world is quite possibly due to ignorance. If you don’t know the rules, how are you supposed to abide by them?
Which is why I say, thank god for me. Now, with this comprehensive reference book at your fingertips, there can be no excuse for bad behaviour. Whenever you’re unsure about the right way to behave, whenever you want to know what not to do in any given situation, simply turn to 488 Rules for Life. The answer is bound to be in here somewhere.
How to use this book (#ulink_2bc45b3b-c0d6-5def-921a-75e2cf2e262f)
This book is divided into sections and within each section you will find a range of rules. Some are fairly basic, things that everyone should already know; others are more specific and are for the people I call genuine rule enthusiasts. And occasionally you will come across rules so particular and persnickety that only absolute zealots like myself will be able to get on board. I have separated these into special sealed sections so that the more tolerant reader can avoid them easily.
Whatever level of rule disciple you are, know that reading this book and observing these rules will definitely make the world a nicer place. I also guarantee you will be better looking and better informed; in fact, you’ll be a better human overall. So think of it as a self-help book, only you don’t have to give up sugar, buy expensive exercise equipment or keep a diary of your dreams. All you have to do is speak up when you see someone breaking the rules. A gentle but friendly reminder is all it takes: ‘Hey buddy! Rule number 266—no sunglasses on the back of your neck, cheers mate, just letting you know.’ There’s no need to be rude or confrontational about it, keep it light—remember, like me, you’re here to help.

THE FUNDAMENTAL RULE (#ulink_5b7ebaeb-269f-55bc-b3f2-b218f6984dd1)


1
If you don’t agree with a rule, forget about it, move on to the next one
Whatever you do, don’t get angry and start bleating on social media about how it would be impossible to live your life by these 488 rules. That’s not what this book is about.

AROUND THE HOME (#ulink_d89171f5-3b98-5b0f-80f8-6ac36a15d942)



GENERAL HOUSE RULES
2
Football jerseys are not art
Don’t frame them. And definitely don’t hang them on the wall.
3
Don’t waste your money on surround sound
Nobody cares, guys. And I say guys because it is usually guys who insist on surround sound. When I’m watching TV, I find it weird if the sound isn’t coming from the television. After all, the person walking on the television is on the television, in front of me, so it’s really creepy to hear footsteps behind me or, indeed, all around me.
Same goes for those elaborate sound systems that people (again, usually men) install. The ones where they wire up the entire house with speakers in every room so they can pipe their chunes throughout. It’s not a department store, it’s just your house, you don’t need the music to follow you around wherever you go. Spend your money on nice ham instead.
4
You don’t need a media room or home cinema
Just watch television in the lounge room like a normal person. Or go to the cinema.
5
Supersizing is for beverages not family portraits
There are many businesses that will blow up your family photo onto an enormous canvas, but that doesn’t mean you should get one. A few regular-sized photos will do just fine; you don’t want to turn your living room into some kind of in-memoriam shrine.
6
Don’t complain about your cleaner
Having a cleaner is one of life’s greatest luxuries and if you can afford one you should be extremely grateful. And no matter how lax you might think your cleaner is, remember, it’s still better than mopping your own kitchen floor or scrubbing your own bathroom and pulling your own disgusting hair-monster out of the plughole.
7
Wait a week before accusing your cleaner of stealing
People always accuse the cleaner. Never to their face but behind their back in hushed tones to their friends: ‘I think the cleaner might have taken my necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula, etc.’
Your cleaner is not stupid, cleaners know they will always be number one on the suspect list, which is why I guarantee the cleaner did not take your stuff.
Here’s the more likely scenario: you’ve put your necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula somewhere you don’t usually put it and then done what all middle-aged people do—completely forgotten where you put it.
Give it a week; whatever the cleaner has ‘stolen’ will turn up.
8
Flags are not curtains
A flag in the window is a tell-tale sign that backpackers have moved in. And if the NSW tourism department is at all interested in my amateur research, I would say that based on the number of flag curtains in my area, the majority of visitors to Bondi Junction are coming from Ireland and Brazil. Welcome to you all … now please go buy some curtains.
9
Glamour shots belong in a drawer
First, think very carefully about whether you really need a soft-focus, glassy-eyed shot of yourself dressed in high heels and a feather boa, kneeling on a whorish-looking bed surrounded by red satin cushions. And then think even more carefully about whether you need to put that photo on display anywhere.

THE BATHROOM
10
Your bathroom must have a door
This sounds absurdly obvious but there is a disturbing trend among fancy-pants architects at the moment to create en suite bathrooms with glass doors, or worse, no doors. I understand the desire to merge your indoor and outdoor spaces or to combine your living and dining room, but this open-plan bedroom–bathroom thing is nothing more than a seamless merger of pretension and gross impracticality (emphasis on the gross).
11
One basin is ample
No matter how much you and your partner love doing stuff together, there is absolutely no need to brush your teeth standing side by side, each with your own individual basin. Personally, I prefer to be alone in the bathroom no matter what I’m doing. However, if you happen to be one of those weird couples who like being in the bathroom together, abluting at the same time, then surely you are comfortable enough to spit into the same sink. Which means ‘twin vanities’ are completely unnecessary. One bathroom, one basin.
12
Don’t marinate in your own filth
The bathroom is not a library, there are far more pleasant, not to mention less smelly, places to read your book. Don’t linger in there, get in get out.
13
Replace the toilet roll
Just do it. You’re a grown-up. It takes ten seconds.
14
Do not leave one square of toilet paper on the roll
Don’t kid yourself, this is worse than not replacing the roll because of the effort required to leave that one square behind. Everyone knows it wasn’t an accident, it was a carefully orchestrated event carried out in order to avoid replacing the roll. You pulled gently on the paper, taking great care not to unravel all of it and leave an empty roll. You may even have reverse-rolled it to make sure you left that one square on there: one square that you know perfectly well is of no use to anyone.
And don’t be the dick that just sits the new roll on top of the empty roll, that doesn’t count either.
15
Shut the bathroom door
I’ll brook no argument or discussion about this one. If you are on the toilet, shut the bathroom door; it’s a basic courtesy to your fellow householders. No one should have to see anyone else mid-evacuation with their pants around their ankles. Parents with small children, you are the exception. I realise that toddlers like to be able to access you at all times and will often hammer relentlessly on a closed bathroom door, concerned and sometimes even alarmed about your sudden disappearance from view. (My dog is a bit the same.)
16
No talking on the toilet
The only words you should ever have to utter while on the toilet are ‘I’m in here’ or ‘just a minute’ in response to an enquiring knock on the door. Nothing is so important that it can’t wait until you exit the bathroom. This rule is of particular concern in public bathrooms. A lot of women love a gabfest in the can, somehow forgetting that there are germs flying around all over the place, and by flapping your gums and having a good old chitty chat, you are inviting those germs right into your mouth. Bottom line, if your bum is open, your mouth should be closed.
17
Don’t take food or beverages into the toilet
Who’d have thought that ever needed to be said? But apparently it does. You know who you are (American guy called Tom who lives in Manchester) and whom I witnessed take a newspaper and ‘hot cup of joe’ into the bathroom.
18
The bathroom bin is for bathroom rubbish only
Sometimes you find that the bathroom bin is the closest bin. Perhaps you arrive home, you’ve just finished eating a banana or a packet of Twisties and you spy the bathroom bin as you walk down the hall. You must forgo the urge to toss your empty wrappers in there. Because what happens is, the next time someone is using the toilet, they’ll look down into the bin, see the banana skin and think, Oh dear god, was someone eating a banana on the can? How disgusting!
19
Flush. Pause. Check—FPC
Always wait after flushing so you can do a final check to make sure you are leaving nothing behind. Nothing. Not a mark, not a smear—there should be zero evidence of what’s gone on in that bathroom. Don’t leave a crime scene.
20
No phone calls on the toilet
The only thing worse than having a phone call with someone who is on the toilet is the realisation that they are indeed on the toilet. It’s usually something that dawns on you slowly. Probably because—for most normal people—the idea of making calls from the dunny is beyond comprehension, so it always takes a while to put all the pieces together. First you notice the strange echo-chamber effect, then come the oddly timed pauses and strangled grunts in their speech. ‘So I wondered if you … hnnnn … could let Margaret … hnnnnnnn … know that I might be late … hnn … today.’ And finally confirmation comes when you actually hear the waterfall cascading into the bowl or, worse, the splashdown. Unbelievable as it may seem, a lot of people take calls while on the toilet; I know because I hear them do it in public toilets all the time. A phone rings and then the person actually answers it? ‘Yeah … hnnnyhello?’ What is wrong with these people? The toilet cubicle is not a phone booth.

THE KITCHEN
21
The sink is not a dishwasher
These days most people have a dishwasher or, as I like to call it, a magic, electric, washy-washy box. And it really is magical, you can put anything in there and it comes out clean, requiring minimal effort on your part. Yet there are still people who think that dumping dishes in the sink, near the dishwasher, is good enough. It isn’t. Either go the extra half a yard (literally—the dishwasher is never far from the sink) and pop that sucker in the dishwasher or wash it up. They’re your two options. Do not, however, just plonk it in the sink and think, Well done me!
22
Everything can go in the dishwasher
Everything. No matter how big. Even if it takes ten minutes to rearrange everything in order to cram that saucepan or wok or blender jug in there, it’s better than having to spend two minutes washing something up.
23
Flog the dishwasher until it does the job properly
Sometimes the dishwasher does a half-arsed job and you find something that still has a bit of food stuck to it. When that happens, it’s up to the dishwasher to make things right. Don’t be a martyr and clean the dish or frying pan or wooden spoon yourself—that’s rewarding the dishwasher for shoddy workmanship. Instead, you put whatever it is right back in the dishwasher and leave it there until it comes out clean. Whether it takes another two or another twenty wash cycles, it doesn’t matter: the dishwasher has got to learn.
24
One person cooks, the other cleans up
In a couple or a family, the person who cooks the meal should never have to clean up as well. If you live alone, obviously this is not feasible, therefore I suggest you try to cook as neatly as you can. However, I must stress that this ‘cook neatly’ thing is a guideline, or recommendation, not a rule. As someone who lives alone and cooks like the Swedish chef from The Muppets, I cannot in all good conscience instruct anyone to ‘clean as you go’.
25
Clean up the kitchen before you go to bed
Again, not really a rule, more of a note to self.

HEALTH & LIFESTYLE (#ulink_7d6ae485-6d9a-5d2c-a824-1731e63d4d71)


A word about wellness
Wellness advocates and experts all claim they can improve your quality of life, whether it’s by not eating sugar or by drawing toxins out of your body with hot cups and candles or by rubbing your face with dung because that’s what some tribe did 5000 years ago in a tiny part of outer Mongolia. But sometimes I think we can get distracted by all the hype and forget to look at the bigger picture.
I was backstage at a corporate event once and witnessed a well-known anti-sugar crusader nibbling the dark chocolate coating off a single almond. She was scraping it off in tiny bits with her front teeth. It took her about twenty minutes. She noticed me staring (it was hard to look away, she was gnawing at that thing like a rat on a cable) and confessed that she allowed herself a minuscule amount of dark chocolate every day as her little reward. I told her quite smugly that I didn’t allow myself any dark chocolate whatsoever. I didn’t say that it was because dark chocolate is a punishment disguised as confectionery, rather I just enjoyed pretending I took my health more seriously than she did.
I know she looks better than me and I know she’ll live longer than me, but my point about looking at the bigger picture is that I’m not sure I want to live longer if the only ‘treat’ I’m allowed is one dark chocolate nut per day. Especially if I have to eat it hunched over in a corner like an obsessive-compulsive squirrel.
And for the record, I don’t want to drink bone broth for breakfast or rub my face with dung either. I guess I just don’t care enough about my own wellness—which is not a word, by the way—and you can read more about that in Language Rules.

INSPIRATION AND ADVICE
26
Cushions are not spiritual advisors
The current trend for putting trite advice on soft furnishings has to stop. No one has ever read Live, Love, Laugh on a pillow or Dream, Relax, Feel on a wall hanging and thought, Oh what an excellent idea, I’ve not lived, loved or laughed in ages. Well, that all changes right now, thank you, cushion!
In fact, more often than not, I find these clichéd bon mots have the opposite effect and actually inspire rage and the desire to punch something, usually a cushion with the hateful Keep Calm and Carry On printed on it.
27
Never tell someone to ‘just imagine the audience naked’
This is one of the dumbest things you can ever say to a person who is about to do a bit of public speaking. There would be nothing more distracting than looking around a room and imagining what everyone looks like in the nude. How are you supposed to remember your speech when you’re envisaging a room full of lumpy naked people?
28
Don’t offer up clichés as advice
No one who has just been dumped wants to hear, ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea.’ It means nothing. If you must trot out this hoary old chestnut, then at least try to make it more accurate. ‘There are plenty more fish in the sea … but there are also a lot of bottom feeders and unpleasant smelly creatures that won’t be to your taste at all, plus a few nasty aggressive types with big sharp teeth, so maybe the ocean’s not the best place to go looking for a new partner.’
29
‘It is what it is’ actually means ‘please stop talking’
When someone says, ‘It is what it is’, they are not being wise and philosophical, rather they are sick of listening to you and are trying to wrap up the conversation.
30
Life is not a sport so you don’t need a coach
When life coaches first hit the scene, which I think was back in the nineties, it seemed like they were some kind of southern Californian joke that would go away faster than the trend for walking with ski stocks or using a PalmPilot organiser.
Life coaches, however, have not gone away, they have proliferated. And what has become apparent over the years is that, oftentimes, life coaches are people who have failed at other professions. So really the only advice a life coach should be doling out is: ‘If you want to turn your life around and become successful, you should become a life coach. Because then you can get paid to tell someone else how to turn their life around and become successful … by becoming a life coach.’
Come to think of it, maybe that’s exactly what they are doing and maybe that’s why there are so many life coaches out there.

SMOKING
31
If you smoke, you smell
All the time. And that’s okay, as long as you are aware of it. Sucking a mint only makes you smell like a smoker who has just sucked a mint. And washing your hands makes you smell like a smoker who has just washed their hands. Again, that’s fine, just don’t think you’re fooling anyone.
32
If you vape, you look a lot less cool than you think
In fact, you look like you are blowing a USB stick. Or R2-D2’s detachable penis.

EXERCISE GEAR
33
Only buy black leggings
Any other colour simply makes a feature of the sweat around your box and crack. Pop on a pair of light grey leggings next time you exercise and you’ll see that even when you barely break a sweat up top, downstairs you’ll be showcasing a right Rorschach inkblot test in your pants. That’s why people in the gym are staring—they’re either trying to work out what the stain resembles or, worse, they’re wondering if you’ve wet yourself. Because it’s difficult to tell the difference between sweat and wee, so there’s a good chance you’ll just look like a lady who went a bit too wide on her warrior pose and blew a piss-valve.
34
Stop calling it active wear
Most people I see wearing ‘active wear’ are at the shopping centre. So perhaps we should use the term ‘Lycra shopping outfit’ instead.
35
Once you are no longer active, get changed
You may wear your exercise gear en route to the gym or the park or the hot yoga dojo or wherever you are going to be active. You may also keep it on as you make your way home again and you may even detour to the shops, briefly, to pick up a couple of things. But that’s it. Once you’re home, admit that you’re not going to be doing any more lunges or downward dogs and that it’s time to put on some less-active wear.
36
Dress according to the standard of cyclist you are
Many of us enjoy a hit of tennis yet I never see anyone down at my local club sporting a full Serena Williams–style catsuit. Cyclists should bear that in mind and rethink their cycling gear. If you’re not racing in the Tour de France, there’s absolutely no need for those gut-hugging tops with multiple pockets all around that allow you to strap energy bars to yourself like dynamite on a suicide bomber vest.
You can probably live without those three bananas and four Clif Bars, not to mention the numerous electrolyte sachets. After all, you’re only going to be riding for about an hour at the most. The larger part of your morning will be spent sprawled across multiple tables at the local cafe drinking lattes with all the other middle-aged men in padded ball-bag pants and zip tops covered in logos of sponsors who aren’t actually your sponsors. And the reason they aren’t your sponsors is because you’re not a professional cycling team. You’re just some dads in clip-cloppy shoes trying to get out of parenting on a Sunday morning.
37
Men must wear shorts over leggings
The gym is no place for people to discover whether or not you are circumcised. That’s a private discussion for another place and time.

WORKING OUT
38
Lift less, more quietly
The odd noise of exertion here and there is fine, but if you are grunting and puffing and blowing your cheeks out to the point where bits of spit are starting to fly around, take some weight off, it’s obviously too much for you.
39
Don’t tell people you box
You participate in a boxing class. It’s different.
40
No naked parading in the change rooms
I don’t care how good your body is, I don’t want to see it striding from one end of the change room to the other, or bending over while you rummage around in your gym bag for your matching bra and lacy thong set. You have a towel, use it.
41
No vigorous towelling
Pat or blot yourself dry after a shower. Don’t rub yourself so hard that all your bits start wobbling and jiggling about. Just accept that it may not be possible to get yourself bone dry when you’re in a communal change area—that’s why talcum powder was invented. Channel your inner old lady and throw a bit of powdery talc around down there instead.
42
Keep two feet firmly planted on the ground at all times
Under no circumstances should you treat the change room like a woodchopping event. Don’t even think about putting one foot up on the bench and then using that towel like a two-handed saw, going back and forth between your legs. If that’s how you must dry yourself, wait for an individual cubicle to become available and have a go at yourself in private.
43
The park is not a gym
Take your kettle bells, your giant ropes and your lumpy male trainers shouting, ‘Don’t give up on me, Doyanne! (Dianne)’ and get out of what should be a lovely green space in which to relax, perambulate, picnic or just play on the swings. (If you’re a child that is—please don’t be one of those cutesy girl-women who giggles and gets her date to push her on the swing in a bid to be adorable.)

AGEING GRACEFULLY
44
Old men should not have long hair
Cut the ponytail off, fellas. The bad news is, it probably wasn’t even cool way back when you were young, but now it’s even less cool and it’s making everyone around you a bit sad.
45
Don’t lie about your age
The number one thing to remember about getting older (aside from the fact that old men shouldn’t have long hair) is that lying about your age is pointless. If you try to appear younger by knocking a few years off when you state your age, all anyone thinks is, Wow, she looks dreadful! or Does this old bat think I’m stupid?
When someone asks me how old I am, I prefer to add a few years rather than take them off. That way people will think, Gee, she looks pretty damn good for sixty-five! However, this trick doesn’t always go to plan. The inherent and ever-present danger is that when you tell someone you’re sixty-five and you’re really only forty-five, they may simply take you at your word and think, Yeah, that seems about right.
46
Put your feet away
Nothing gives away your age faster than cracked white heels and gnarly, split, yellow toenails. There is an odd phenomenon that occurs when men retire—for some reason they refuse to wear shoes anymore and instead decide to live out the rest of their lives in sandals. It’s like suddenly they want everyone to bear witness to the hideous crime scene they have going on at the end of each ankle.
When I hit retirement age, I plan to petition the government for a pensioner pedicure subsidy for both men and women. A weekly pedicure for the elderly is a great idea. For a start it prevents an old person’s feet from turning into a pair of festering petri-dish experiments, but more importantly, it provides a much-needed social outing for lonely seniors. After all, the manicurist is the perfect captive audience, trapped at the business end of the pedicure chair while the old person chatters away.
47
Don’t start singing like a Bee Gee
If you are having trouble hitting all the notes in your regular singing voice due to age, taking it up a notch and trying to sing in the key of ‘old lady falsetto’ isn’t going to help. Just turn your volume down and drone along quietly instead.
48
No one wants to hear about your ailments
That doesn’t mean you have to stop talking about them, just be aware that there is not a person in the world who is interested, not even friends the same age as you. The only reason they willingly listen to you talk about your various afflictions is so they can rabbit on about their own ailments the minute your mouth stops moving. It’s a bore exchange.
49
Leave the waitstaff alone
Flirting with waiters half your age is unseemly and could also be viewed as a mild form of solicitation—because waiters will always be polite and often times flirt right back—but it’s only because they want a tip. Ergo, you’re only getting their attention because you’re paying for it.
Men, no matter what age they are, flirt with waitstaff. They do it when they’re young and they keep doing it when they get old. And they always think they’re being incredibly charming. They’re not. For women, however, flirting with waitstaff is only something they tend to take up with enthusiasm once they hit middle age. It’s like they’ve finally found their confidence and suddenly they think it’s a bit cheeky and hilarious to hit on fit, young waiters. But it isn’t. For while the woman may see herself as a real cougar, all the waiter sees is a mangy old housecat yowling for attention.
50
Don’t pretend you don’t need glasses
If you’re holding the menu at arm’s length, you need glasses. If the font on your phone is billboard-sized and can be read by someone at the other end of the train carriage, you really need glasses.
51
Don’t use the word ‘pash’ anymore
Once you are forty, the time for pashing is well past. You can still do it if you must, but please find another word to describe it.
52
Have a mirror right next to the front door
You might not want to look at your ageing self but remember, a mirror is your best friend. And having a mirror right next to the front door, preferably a magnifying mirror, should be mandatory for all people aged forty-five and over. Basically, you want to do a quick check before you leave the house. You’re looking for renegade hairs and they could be anywhere: upper lip and chin for ladies; ears and nose (inside and out) if you’re a man. You want to remove anything that would transfix a small child and have them reaching out to tug it.
You also need to keep an eye out for those random straggly eyebrows that are so long you can only assume they’ve been growing out of your face since birth. How else do you explain the absurd length of them?
Once you’re happy you’re not leaving the house looking like the missing link, then do a quick once-over of your clothes, checking for any food spills. At a certain age, having a food stain down your front is the equivalent of having a sign around your neck that reads, They’re going to put me in a home soon.
53
Men, don’t dye your hair
For some reason, it just doesn’t work for you. And most of you look pretty good grey anyway. Which, personally, I find quite annoying. Men with grey hair are always described as ‘silver foxes’—people use words like ‘sophisticated’ or ‘Clooney-esque’. Whereas when I allow my hair to go grey, the only celebrity I resemble is Meryl Streep in Into the Woods.

AT THE OFFICE (#ulink_0505206a-1e12-5e47-970e-f4d1af4fd7b8)


A word about open-plan offices
It has been a long time since I’ve had a ‘real’ job and worked full time in a ‘real’ office. My most recent in-office experience was at the ABC during the production of the show that spawned this book, The Weekly with Charlie Pickering. In Melbourne, the ABC offices are housed in a brand-new, shiny building in Southbank. It cost a lot of money and I guess they spent most of that money on the outside of the building, which is why they didn’t have enough cash left to pay for any walls inside the building, walls that would help divide the vast open spaces into individual offices for people to work in. I can think of no other reason, other than budget, that would explain why our national broadcaster would inflict one of the most universally reviled working arrangements on their underpaid, overworked and yet surprisingly dedicated and loyal staff. Pretty much the whole of the ABC is open plan. Well, except where the executives work—that part of the office got walls and doors, which the execs must find really annoying. After all, they’re the ones who constantly champion open plan and tell the rest of us how great it is.
When I arrived at the ABC and discovered The Weekly office was open plan, I decided to work from home. This was not an arrangement I came to with management; rather, it was the only way I could get any work done. I never told anyone I was working from home, instead, I came in every morning, put myjacket on the back of my chair, scattered a few notes acrossmy desk, placed my bag underneath, then took what I needed and went home to do some work. I was able to get away with this because at the time I lived only ten minutes down the road. So if I got a text or a call saying, ‘Where are you?’ or ‘Can you come to the meeting room for a read-through?’ I would reply, ‘Sure, just grabbing a coffee, back in ten. Smiley face emoji, coffee cup emoji, heart emoji, two exclamation marks.’
Ultimately, I was far more productive working from home than I would have been sitting out in the open among thirty other employees, a lot of whom were making necessary but still very distracting phone calls and some of whom were making distracting and completely unnecessary phone calls.
It did mean there was a fair bit of driving back and forth—which gives rise to my argument that the open-plan office model is not only highly unproductive thanks to the miserable employees it creates, but in my case it also contributed to global warming because of the time I spent on the road burning fossil fuels.

GENERAL OFFICE RULES
54
Don’t take your wang out at the office, ever
I realise this seems incredibly obvious but in the current climate, with everything that’s come to light about men sending dick pics, wanking in front of female colleagues or into pot plants, and showing off their knobs to co-workers like you would a new iPhone etc., apparently we do need to spell this one out. So here it is again:
55
Your penis should remain in your pants during office hours
Unless you are ALONE in a toilet cubicle using it to wee—then it can come out—but please, put it away as soon as you’re done.
56
During office hours, turn your phone to silent
It’s common courtesy; no one in the office wants to hear your Bernard Fanning, ‘I Just Want to Wish You Well’ ringtone, in full, every time your phone rings. No one. Not even Bernard.
57
Go easy on the reply-all button
We all get enough rubbish filling up our inboxes, we certainly don’t need to be included in irrelevant reply-all chains. Just because someone emailed a question to the entire office doesn’t mean you have to reply-all; just reply to the person who sent the email.
58
Don’t insert yay into Friday
No matter how happy you are that the week has ended, there’s no need to resort to using office clichés like ‘Friyay’. Especially in pointless inter-office group emails: Happy FriYAY everyone! Everyone knows it’s Friday. Everyone knows the weekend is coming. Everyone is happy. No one’s mood is buoyed by your arbitrary yaying.
‘Hump Day’ is similar to Friyay, in that there’s never any call for it. If you can’t think of anything to say to an associate in your office besides ‘Happy Hump Day!’ just give them a polite nod and pass without saying anything. It’s not compulsory to speak every time you pass one another. See rule 63 for clarification on the correct way to greet co-workers.
59
Stop the senseless ‘e-meeting’
Don’t write ‘pleased to e-meet you’ at the top of an email. You lost me at ‘e’—I’m not reading any further.
60
Team bonding activities should be optional
Some people love it when management decides that an afternoon of bowling or paintballing or (god forbid) karaoke will help everyone work better as a team. Others would rather be dead. So respect the rights of those who hate ‘forced fun’, which also includes themed ‘dress-up days’—not everyone enjoys wearing a fascinator around the office to celebrate Melbourne Cup Day. And maybe Fay from Purchasing is self-conscious about her broad caboose and doesn’t want to wear jeans on any day, let alone on Jeans for Genes Day when she’ll feel even more conspicuous in her sheets-of-denim being compared to everyone else in their teeny-tiny skinny jeans.
61
Don’t attempt humour in signs around the office
The problem with the jokey sign is that it does not withstand repeat viewings. People go to the kitchen or bathroom several times a day and there’s no way your note is funny enough that folks will enjoy it and chuckle every time they see it. What you should aim for in an office note is mild terseness. You do this by employing shouty caps and underlining:
PUT YOUR DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER—PLEASE
But avoid doing ‘gags’ like taking a poster of a cute pussycat and writing the following underneath it:
WASH YOUR CUP OR THIS KITTEN GETS IT!
And if you need to put up signs in the bathroom, humour should be the last thing on your mind. When I visit an office and see a sign like this in the bathroom:
IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE, BE A SWEETIE, WIPE THE SEATIE
I’m not thinking, Oh that’s funny ’cos it rhymes, I’m thinking, Who in god’s name is pissing on the seat so often that a sign is required? After all, I’m in the ladies toilet. To the best of my knowledge, ladies sit down to go to the toilet and it is physically impossible to wee on the seat when you are sitting on that seat. If women are somehow spraying it around like tom cats in your office bathroom, the time for joking is long past, the only sign that should go up is one that says:
HEY LADIES, SIT DOWN
62
No personal calls in open-plan offices
In this unfortunate, modern world of open-plan offices, it surprises me that I have to articulate this as a rule. I assumed everyone was like me and got really self-conscious making personal phone calls when other people were within earshot. Turns out, some people aren’t the slightest bit embarrassed about others overhearing their personal calls, in fact they seem to revel in it. I witnessed one woman FaceTiming her young children from her open-plan office desk every day at around five o’clock. Perhaps it was her way of justifying staying late at the office. I say, if you miss your kids so much that you have to FaceTime them, just go home.
63
One proper greeting per day is ample, after that a nod will suffice
Working in an office can be stressful. Not only do you have to get your work done, you must also make an effort to socialise with your fellow employees, especially when you find yourself trapped together in the claustrophobic staff kitchen. At times it can feel as though your whole day is taken up both asking and answering bland questions like ‘How was your weekend?’ or ‘Got anything on this weekend?’ or ‘Hungover much? Heh heh’.
The point is that between regular trips to the kitchen, the bathroom and even the printer (to pick up those personal documents you’ve been printing out at work) you will cross paths with your co-workers multiple times a day. This means multiple greetings per day, and it’s not surprising that these become less enthusiastic as the day wears on. That’s why it’s okay to simply nod at your co-workers, or even just raise an eyebrow of acknowledgement from the second interaction onwards. It’s too exhausting to have to come up with new small talk for each passing, and if you’re not careful you can end up falling into the ‘say what you see’ trap (I am one of the worst offenders of this) passing someone in the corridor and saying something like ‘Ooh, having a cup of tea’ or ‘Mm, chips. Good stuff’.
Others try to cover their awkwardness by attempting humour, failing, then laughing at their ‘joke’ anyway: ‘Heyyy, nice green top, Ellen … did you see Sophie’s wearing a green top today too? Sorry guys, I didn’t get the memo! Ha ha ha.’
Remember if you have nothing of substance to say, it’s perfectly okay to go full Ronan Keating and say nothing at all.
64
No hot-desking
Hot-desking is a form of employee abuse. In years to come, I hope there will be a class action where all the people who have been forced to hot-desk will take their employers to court and sue them for damages. I am fortunate that I have never had to endure such torment. However, the poor staff in the ABC newsroom were long-suffering victims of hot-desking. I know they were suffering because I did an informal survey of the newsroom which revealed that no one enjoyed it. No one. Not one person said, ‘Yes, I quite like not having anywhere permanent to put my things. It’s also great not being able to personalise a space that I spend at least eight hours a day in. But most of all, I really like never knowing where to find anyone. It adds an element of discovery to my day.’
Incidentally, among people who are forced to hot-desk, it is much more commonly referred to as ‘shit-desking’. Only management still insist on using the term ‘hot-desking’. It’s been proven in numerous studies, far more formal and official than mine (I just went around asking, ‘On a scale of one to ten how much do you hate hot-desking?’) that hot-desking does not improve employee productivity. Quite the contrary, in fact, because, while you might save money buying less furniture and office space, you lose money by having unhappy, less-efficient employees. I call Time’s Up on hot-desking.
65
Comedy dancing is not dancing—just don’t dance
This is a rule for all the office wags at the office Christmas party.

FOOD IN THE OFFICE
66
Don’t eat at your desk
This is controversial I know, but my reason is twofold. Firstly, everyone is entitled to a lunch break. This should be an hour (or half hour) where you break and go for lunch. It’s not at all cryptic. A lunch hour should not mean an hour spent at your desk with lunch in one hand, still working with the other, dropping bits of food into your keyboard and using your pants as a napkin.
Secondly, it’s incredibly unhygienic to eat at your desk and it’s unpleasant for your fellow workers to witness, especially if you’re eating something stinky like a hard-boiled egg or something noisy like a chip sandwich. No judgement for eating a chip sandwich, by the way, that’s an excellent carb on carb choice, just do it in a designated food-eating area.
67
No stinky foods in the office
Respect those around you and don’t bring your leftover fish curry to work and then heat it up in the office microwave. No one wants to spend the afternoon working in the noxious fishy miasma you’ve just created. And while I understand that many people love tuna for its healthful and nourishing properties, I think we can all agree that it really does stink so, if you must eat it, I suggest going outside to enjoy your lunch in the open air. Don’t chow down in the confines of the office where the windows only open a few inches, if at all. As for bringing hot chips into the office, that is not just smelly, it’s also mean. Because for the first thirty seconds, hot chips smell delicious and now you’ve made everyone in the office want hot chips. However, pretty soon those hot chips will turn cold and the office will smell like every teenage McDonald’s employee when they come home from a shift reeking of cold grease and congealed fat.
68
No food in meetings
We’re all busy. But if you’re so busy that you’re bringing soup to a meeting and slurping it during proceedings, then you need to organise your day better. Either reschedule the meeting or reschedule your soup slurping.
69
Pick one day a month to do birthday cake
Office birthday cake is a minefield. Yes, cake is great but not everyone is in the mood to drop everything and suddenly gather in the conference room at some random time of day whenever it’s someone’s birthday. There’s never a set time for birthday cake, quite often it’s a case of ‘Hurry up everyone, we’re doing cake now because Jo is leaving early to go to a conference!’ It’s even less appealing when you know your only reward will be ten minutes of awkward forced togetherness and a piece of wet supermarket mud cake that you end up pushing around a paper plate with a plastic fork. I am, however, not against birthdays or cakes. My solution is to pick a day—one day a month, for argument’s sake, let’s say the last Friday of every month. Then on that Friday at 11 am everyone gathers in the boardroom and someone reads out a list of all the people who have celebrated a birthday that month. Cake is presented, ‘Happy Birthday’ is sung (in accordance with the following rule) and everyone enjoys a bit of cake for morning tea.
This allows cake to remain special, it also means everyone in the office knows when birthday cake day is approaching. You can schedule it into your workday, you can set your palate for cake, you can even stop work at 10.55 to make a cup of tea to go with your pending piece of cake. The other great advantage of this system is that it provides enough lead time for someone to actually make a decent cake. Surely that is preferable to the office junior being dispatched to Coles to procure some hideous-looking cake encased in a plastic dome every time someone reveals it’s their birthday.
70
Stop singing after the final ‘Happy Birthday to you’
No one wants to hear the ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’ extended mix featuring MC Daryl the office good-time guy on ‘hip hip hoorays’. It’s awkward. People have work to do. And cake to eat. Hopefully a delicious homemade one if you’ve adhered to the previous rule.

LANGUAGE (#ulink_d712f6ab-602b-545d-a90a-280974678063)



GENERAL LANGUAGE RULES
71
Once you hear a word used in an ad, it’s time to stop using it
A good example of this would be ‘hangry’, which was used in a flavoured-milk ad. You don’t want to use that word anymore, because if it’s appeared in an ad it’s officially past its use-by date. Advertising people are notorious for being one step behind and stealing ideas from other art forms, such as films, TV and comedy. I know because I used to be in advertising.
72
Never tell someone you have a GSOH
It’s unnecessary. If you have a good sense of humour, it will become apparent the minute you say something funny or laugh appreciatively at something funny that someone else has said.
Similarly, you should never use the terms ‘dark’ or ‘unique’ to describe your own sense of humour. People who genuinely have a dark sense of humour don’t think of it as dark, they just think of it as regular. Whereas people who say they have a dark or unique sense of humour are often trying to make themselves seem interesting, or justify the fact that no one laughed at something they said: ‘Oh, you don’t get it? Must be because I have a very dark sense of humour.’
73
Don’t ever ‘wonder what the poor people are doing’
It’s no big mystery. They’re probably thinking about where their next meal is coming from or how they’re going to pay their rent.
74
Stop saying ‘First World problems’
If you live in the First World, this phrase is an oxymoron. All of our problems are First World problems. So you can safely just say ‘problems’. Unless, of course, you are suddenly hit with a Third World problem, then you might want to flag it as such: ‘Hey?! This bowl of sorghum is tasteless and I think it’s been made with polluted water, talk about Third World problems!’
Or if someone says to you: ‘I can’t come in to work today, I’ve got cholera.’
Then you can respond: ‘Wow! Third World problem or what?!’
75
Clown is not a verb
It’s bad enough that you are a clown, please don’t try to talk it up by saying you are going to do some ‘clowning’ or that you learned ‘to clown’ in Paris.
76
Feed is not a noun
And should never be used as such, as in: ‘Hey, do you want to go for a feed?’ (Farmers are the obvious exception to this rule.)
77
Don’t refer to your wife as ‘the boss’
As in ‘I’ll have to check with the boss.’ Apart from anything else, it’s almost always disingenuous and only ever cited by men who would overrule their ‘boss’ in a heartbeat if she said something that didn’t suit them.
78
Avoid using adjectives such as delicious or yummy in non-food contexts
For example, you can say, ‘This food is delicious.’ But you cannot say, ‘My, my, don’t you look yummy today.’
79
Don’t describe inanimate objects as ‘sexy’
A typeface isn’t sexy. Nor is an iPhone. Home renovation show judges are flagrant in their disregard for this rule, always referring to things like tap fittings or marble bench tops or even 2PAC polycarbonate cupboards as ‘sexy’.
80
Keep more ye olde words in circulation
Don’t try to keep up with the youth (see next section) instead, go back in time and choose words and phrases from the past. The English language is full of great gear and it’s good to keep words alive. Words like ‘stepping out’ and ‘courting’ are so much better than ‘hooking up’ or ‘getting with’. I have always preferred ‘paramour’ to boyfriend or girlfriend. And ‘poppycock’ speaks for itself—what a great word. And while the youth might refer to ‘pingas’ and ‘nangs’ (although they probably don’t anymore but they did at the time I wrote that sentence), I think when it comes to drug language you can’t go past words like ‘jazz-cabbage’ or indeed the very old-fashioned and rather quaint ‘pot’. The idea of going up to a dealer and asking for ‘three packets of pot, please’ really tickles me.
81
Wellness is not a word
I know this word is everywhere now, it’s inescapable, but it’s as dumb as saying ‘healthosity’ or ‘nutritionative’.
82
The word ‘budget’ should never be paired with any of the following

Seafood
Airline
Plastic surgery
Dental work
83
Don’t refer to your ‘tribe’
Unless you are from an indigenous culture and you genuinely have a tribe. Note, a beard and strident opinions about cold-pressed coffee do not constitute a tribe.
84
Adults do not get to say ‘din-dins’ or ‘nom-noms’
Remember, other people are trying to eat, don’t put them off their food.
85
Don’t ever mention your ‘happy place’
To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement.
86
Poncewobble is a word, please use it
Every year the Macquarie Dictionary accepts a few new words into their dictionary and every year I wait for them to announce that ‘poncewobble’ is one of those words. Sadly, it hasn’t happened yet. I learned about poncewobbling from Jane Faure-Brac, whose brother invented the word sometime during the 1970s. I loved it the first time I heard it.
Poncewobble is a verb and it describes an action that will be recognised by anyone with siblings. Among siblings, there is always one who hoards their treats. Whether it’s Easter eggs, contents of showbags or even unopened Christmas presents, the canny hoarder hides their treats and pretends they’ve eaten them all and that they have nothing left. They may even actively encourage the other siblings to consume all their treats. When they have nothing left, the trickster then brings out all their goodies and takes great delight in eating them slowly in front of the others.
The act of hoarding and hiding with the sole aim of lording it over others later is called poncewobbling. And there’s always one poncewobbler (noun) in every family. I’m ashamed to say that in my family it was me. Poncewobbling can have an unfortunate and often unforeseen consequence, and that is when the parent steps in and makes the poncewobbler share their remaining treats with the siblings who have nothing left. Poncewobbling—be careful kids, it’s a risky business.
A word about the generation gap
Youth-speak is an area of language that changes faster than any other, therefore it’s difficult to make definitive rules about particular words you should or shouldn’t use. That’s because while youths are great inventers of words and phrases, they also dump those words as fast as they invent them. A basic rule of thumb for anyone over forty who wants to avoid looking out of touch is to listen closely to the vernacular of teenagers and then never use any of the words you just heard. Let the youth enjoy their own language, you have lots of other things, like financial stability and Facebook. (Which, of course, you totally stole from the youth because they were forced to drop it once all the parents and unhappy middle-aged married people discovered it and started using it to track down their high school sweethearts.) Act your age and maintain your dignity by sticking with language from your own era. As embarrassing as it may be to refer to something as ‘bitchin’ or ‘bodacious’, at least you just sound old, as opposed to old andtry-hard.
Remember, if you have to ask a youth what the word means, you shouldn’t use it. I have listed a few examples here, but this is by no means a definitive list. Also, they were listed at the time of writing, which means that by the time of publication, they may well have disappeared into the vast abyss of discarded youth-speak. The fact that I have heard some of them creeping into use on television suggests they are already out.
Lit. For the record, I don’t know what it means. From the context in which I have heard it used, I gather it is something positive. But that’s as much as I can tell you. And again, it’s not my business to know. I’m well over forty.
* Editor’s note: The word ‘lit’ was recently spotted in a well-known fried chicken chain billboard so it’s safe to say ‘lit’ is now obsolete.
Dropped. Pertaining to music, such as a single or an album. If you grew up in a time when big black circles called records were released and shiny silver things called CDs came out, then you are too old to start telling me that someone’s new album is ‘dropping’. You should also never refer to ‘dropping a beat’. Ever.
Banging. You can’t erase your middle-agedness simply by listening to young people’s radio stations. Sure, you can tune in as a way of staying across current musical trends, but avoid repeating any of the language you hear spoken by the presenters such as ‘Wow, this shit is on fire’ and ‘That song is banging!’ Youth presenters, however, always drop their g’s so it would actually be pronounced bangin’, not that it matters because you won’t be saying it.
Nanginator. This is the name given to the equipment used to ‘do a nang’. Or at least it was for a few days in June 2019. Even though the kids will probably have moved on from doing nangs by the time this book comes out, I feel that the word ‘nanginator’ is so great, it deserves a public airing. If you want to know what a nang is, you’ll have to ask a teenager but if you want to purchase a nanginator, I happen to know they are available at most good kitchenware stores. Ask for them by name.
That said, the youth do not get a free pass on language just because they are young and inventive. There are still some rules and even some words I’d suggest they cut from their lexicon altogether, as you will see in the following section.

KIDS TODAY
87
Curb your use of the word ‘like’
Like is many things; however, it is not an adverb and should not be used as such:
And so I was, like, I cannot believe you are not going to, like, eat the dessert I made. And she was, like, but it’s banoffee pie, which is, like, disgusting. It’s, like, not even pie, it’s banana-flavoured mucus on, like, a cheesecake base. And I was, like, whatever.
As you can tell from the above, I don’t particularly like banoffee pie.
88
Assume that people know what you mean
Unless you are explaining the solution to a quadratic equation, or you happen to speak in riddles worthy of a cryptic crossword, then it’s safe to assume that most people will be able to follow what you’re saying. So there’s really no need to keep checking in and saying ‘know what I mean?’ every couple of sentences.
89
Don’t use words you don’t need, like ‘literally’
Most of us don’t speak in metaphor and simile, we almost always speak literally, so there is rarely the need to qualify your sentence by adding the word ‘literally’. As in ‘Oh my god, she ate the whole piece of cake, like, literally the whole piece of cake.’
It would be highly unusual for someone to assume that ‘piece of cake’ meant something else in this instance so you can do away with the word ‘literally’.
However, if you were talking about your dog and how he chewed up one of your board games, then in that instance you might want to qualify your statement with a ‘literally’: ‘We were playing Yahtzee the other day and then Bongo came along and ate the whole box and dice, literally the whole box and dice.’

CONVERSATION
Conversation is the mainstay of any social event, be it a date, a dinner party or a work function. It’s something we get to practise all the time, yet very few of us are any good at it and I include myself here. I can talk for an hour and a half on stage at people no problem, but it’s very different in social situations.
I get particularly nervous at parties. I have a real knack of grinding the conversation down into a series of dull questions that the other person has no interest in answering. I’ve noticed I also ask ‘closed questions’ a lot of the time, questions that require a short one or two-word answer and never lead to a broader discussion. I know for a fact that I am often ‘that person’, the one you get trapped talking to and have to invent an excuse to get away from. My saving grace is that I’m aware of my shortcomings and when I sense I am dragging someone into one of my conversation death spirals, I will try to help them get away. I will be the one who suggests they move on, saying something like, ‘Look, I won’t keep you, please go and get yourself a drink’, while magnanimously gesturing at the bar with an extended arm, thereby showing them the exit route.
A truly good conversationalist has an uncanny knack of making the person they are talking to feel interesting. It’s an amazing skill—usually you don’t even realise you’re in the presence of a good conversationalist, you just start thinking, Gee I’m telling some good stories today. Good conversationalists are few and far between, which is a shame because they make social occasions an absolute joy.
Obviously, as a person completely lacking in conversation skills, I needed to consult some experts to help formulate the following rules. Luckily I know a couple of excellent conversationalists. One is my best friend Glenn. Another is my fellow rule-maker Sophie. I also know a third expert called Dan, a colleague whom I see only occasionally but who never fails to make me feel both interesting and interested. I have watched him have animated and lively discussions with anyone and everyone in a room, including people I would have written off as dull and boring. I reached out to him by email to ask for his tips on how to be a good conversationalist but he didn’t reply. I can only assume he was too engrossed in a conversation to answer me.
90
Turn-take
This is the basic rule of conversation. You each take a turn to speak. And you each take a turn to listen. This second bit is quite important. Listening is different to just watching the other person’s mouth and waiting for it to stop moving so you can start talking again.
91
The onus is on you to make the conversation interesting
Don’t immediately write someone off as boring; most people have something interesting to say and, if you can find a way to ask good questions, you should be able to have an interesting conversation with anyone.
92
Don’t interrogate
The vibe you’re going for in a conversation is ‘gentle inquisition’. No one wants to feel like they’re being cross-examined at a murder trial. Subtle coaxing to extract further detail is permissible but don’t badger them like a lawyer going after an uncooperative witness.
93
Keep your questions to ten words or less
You’re not on Radio National trying to expose a politician for misuse of public funds.
94
Move on rather than resort to air filler phrases
Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you just run out of stuff to say. Always move on before you start filling the awkward silence with phrases like ‘Ahhh, wouldn’t be dead for quids’ or ‘C’est la vie’ or ‘Well, here we are’.
95
Don’t ask vegetarians why they are vegetarian
It’s a question that they are forced to answer every time they sit down for a meal with a new person. It’s boring for them and if you’re lucky they will shut you down with a non-committal shrug and a vague ‘I just prefer not to eat meat.’ But if you’re unlucky you’ll come up against a fundamentalist who will redirect the question right back at you and ask why you’re NOT vegetarian. They will then rail at you about cruelty to animals, about how your love of meat is destroying the planet and basically make you feel really guilty about your choices. Either way, there’s no satisfactory answer so don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, asking the question.
The exception is if you’re talking to comedian Dave Hughes, who has quite an interesting answer, which relates to the fact that he used to work in an abattoir and it put him off eating meat for life. It will probably put you off eating meat too, not necessarily for life but at least for a couple of days, so that’s good—you can do your bit for the planet, even if it’s just for a day or two.
96
Always, however, ask converts why they converted
There is something quite bizarre about grown-up people with solid, tertiary educations converting to one of the traditional book religions. As someone who grew up Catholic and experienced the pointless rituals and praying first-hand, I have never understood how a rational, thinking adult can choose to adopt formalised religion. It’s different when you’re born into it, you don’t know anything else and besides, it’s your family, it’s your culture.
97
Know when the small talk well is running dry and bail out
‘Got any travel plans?’ is an acceptable question when you’re struggling to sustain a floundering conversation; however, if you then follow it up with ‘Oh that’s nice … so, when do you go away?’ the conversation is officially dead in the water. So make an excuse and exeunt. Unless you’re planning a burglary of their house, there is nothing to be gained by garnering the exact dates of an acquaintance’s holiday.
98
Recounting a TV series to someone in great detail does not constitute good conversation
I do this a lot. Sorry everyone.
99
Have a few emergency ‘go-to’ questions for when the conversation stalls
Basic conversation starters like:
‘Who do you fancy in the Australian Open?’
or
‘What’s your favourite soup recipe?’
or
‘Would you rather be deaf or blind?’
or
‘If you could ask Jennifer Aniston one question, what would it be?’
or
‘Hand on heart, if you’d had an attic, would you have let Anne Frank hide in there?’

PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES (#ulink_7a16f986-fc0f-5a12-ad17-ae2ae122ec43)


A word about air travel
I admit I seem to have an excessive amount of rules pertaining to planes and airports, but that’s because I do a lot of touring and I spend an excessive amount of time on planes and in airports.
I realise there are many people who only fly occasionally and when they do it’s almost always for the purpose of a holiday. That puts you in a completely different mindset to those who travel for work purposes. Being in holiday mode means you are far more likely to be in a good mood

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