When We Fall
When We Fall
Kendall Ryan
From the author of FILTHY BEAUTIFUL LIES comes a hotly charged new erotica series - this is book 3 of 3. Perfect for fans of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.The final book in the WHEN I BREAK seriesKnox and McKenna’s relationship has reached a critical impasse. The mistakes and secrets of their pasts have caught up to them and threaten their future happiness. Can McKenna trust that Knox’s sexual addiction is behind him and make a life with this beautifully troubled man? And when Knox reveals the full truth about his past, will McKenna be able to put her own fears aside and accept him?With everything to lose, this scorching end to the trilogy pushes Knox and McKenna to the very limits – and beyond.
When We Fall
When I Break series Book 3
BY KENDALL RYAN
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published by Kendall Ryan Books 2014
First published in Great Britain by Harper 2015
Copyright © Kendall Ryan 2014
Cover photograph © Jupiter Images / Getty Images
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2015
Kendall Ryan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9781499564242
Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780008133931
Version 2015-03-31
Contents
Cover (#ud9cac8a6-c977-5331-a6f8-19375f04253c)
Title Page (#u84d522eb-e0c0-5168-8d31-14862d014dec)
Copyright (#ud3018e5d-eeee-5afe-8ad9-76e62fdb2274)
Chapter One (#uee71d6a0-c1ae-50ec-818b-2bee9b5d7097)
Chapter Two (#ucbf34f75-cc18-5933-be69-9e830382f248)
Chapter Three (#u6dba2f38-8437-51d3-9248-d5c808ce6614)
Chapter Four (#uef2b9efb-ce9b-5ed7-aa49-85ca2d42e820)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Read More From Kendall Ryan (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Tell Me Your Favourite Part (#litres_trial_promo)
Connect With Kendall Ryan: (#litres_trial_promo)
Also by Kendall Ryan (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
Knox
I knew I needed to stay calm and assess the situation, but McKenna showing up here tonight had really thrown me off. And not to mention a very pregnant Amanda waddling across my floor, groaning in pain, was putting me a little outside my comfort zone. My head was spinning like a fucking top.
Think, Knox.
I checked on McKenna again. She was sprawled across my bed where I’d laid her down, and her body was limp and pale. She was breathing, but she wasn’t responding to my voice or touch. She had passed out cold from the shock of finding me in my bedroom with Amanda. I would have to deal with the repercussions later. My guess was that McKenna had driven back from her extended stay in Indiana, and finding me with Amanda in my bedroom—along with the soundtrack of Amanda’s moans—had McKenna assuming the worst. Next, I tried to get Amanda to sit down and rest, but she pushed me away, insisting that walking was helping.
Knowing I was seriously out of my element, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my neighbor, Nikki. She had a baby; surely she’d know if this was false labor or the real thing.
‘Nik, yeah. Hey, my friend Amanda thinks she’s going into labor, but she’s not due for another several weeks—’
Nikki cut me off, saying something about a guy named Braxton Hicks and timing contractions, but before I could hear the rest, Amanda let out a bloodcurdling scream.
‘I’m peeing, I think I’m peeing! Am I peeing?’ She squatted on the floor, her pants growing darker with a wet stain.
What the fuck? I cursed under my breath and crossed the room to give her a hand.
Nikki, overhearing the entire thing, laughed. ‘Her water just broke. Get her to the hospital. This baby’s coming early.’
Christ. ‘McKenna’s here and passed out—I can’t just leave her. And Tucker’s here, too. Can you come over?’
‘Sorry, I’m out of town at my mom’s,’ Nikki said.
‘All right. Gotta go, Nik.’
‘Good luck.’
I hung up the phone and helped Amanda remove her wet pants and underwear, then gave her a pair of my sweats. I’d worry about cleaning up the puddle of water on my floor later. In all the commotion, Tucker had come upstairs and was now peeking around the open doorway. ‘It’s okay, Tuck, you can come in.’
He ventured inside the room slowly, looking around at the two women, his eyes as big as saucers. McKenna was still out cold. ‘What happened?’ he asked.
‘Kenna’s all right, I promise. And Amanda’s going to have her baby.’
Amanda let out a low moan and sat down on the bed next to McKenna. Doing the only thing I could, I picked up my phone and dialed 911. The paramedics could make sure McKenna was all right and give Amanda a lift to the hospital. While I waited for them to arrive, I sent Tucker downstairs to gather up some towels. He didn’t need to be up here seeing Amanda in agonizing pain and worrying about McKenna. It wasn’t healthy for his little mind to try to process all that was happening. I was having a hard enough time keeping my own stress level contained.
A few minutes later I heard sirens and ran downstairs to meet the paramedics. One man and one woman rushed inside and followed me and a wide-eyed Tucker up the stairs to my attic bedroom.
They assessed Amanda and determined that she was in active labor and got her ready for transport. Then they turned their attention to McKenna. I didn’t breathe a full, deep breath until I saw her eyelids flutter and open. Her eyes met mine, and all the fear and anxiety knotting inside me relaxed just slightly.
‘Hey, angel.’ I leaned over her on the bed and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
‘What happened?’ she asked, pushing up on her elbows to sit up.
Tucker edged himself closer, nearly climbing into her lap. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who’d been worried about her.
‘Tuck, give her some space.’
McKenna took his hand and squeezed, showing him that she was okay.
‘You came in and saw me and Amanda, and you passed out,’ I explained.
Her gaze shot over to where Amanda was sitting on the sofa with the paramedics on either side of her. ‘Oh my God, is she okay?’
‘She’s in labor. They’re gonna take her to the hospital. She came here about an hour ago, complaining of a backache and contractions, and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go.’
McKenna chewed on her lip, taking in the chaos across the room.
‘Sir?’ One of the paramedics called me over and I kissed McKenna’s forehead again, then went to them.
‘How is she?’
‘She’s doing great but progressing quickly, so we need to get going.’
Amanda grabbed my hand. ‘You’re coming with me, right?’
I hadn’t planned on it, but the fear in her eyes pulled at something deep inside me.
‘I need someone,’ Amanda insisted. ‘I can’t do this alone. Can either you or McKenna come with me?’ Her voice was shrill, bordering on hysterical.
Shit. Amanda was right. And since McKenna had just driven five hours and then had a fainting spell, I didn’t particularly want to send her off to the hospital for what could very well turn into an all-night process. ‘Of course I’ll come.’
While the paramedics brought Amanda downstairs and loaded her into the ambulance, I explained to McKenna and Tucker that I was going to the hospital. McKenna’s crystal-blue eyes turned hazy and she blinked several times, looking away.
‘Will you be okay here with Tuck?’ I asked her. ‘The guys should be home soon.’
McKenna nodded. ‘I’ll be fine. And you’re right, someone should be with her. We’ll talk when you get back.’
Unable to stop touching McKenna, I kissed her temple and told Tucker to take good care of her, then dashed down the stairs to grab my keys. I would follow the ambulance in my Jeep.
Chapter Two (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
McKenna
I’d imagined the worst when I heard the feminine moans coming from behind Knox’s closed bedroom door. My heart had shattered and crumbled into a million pieces as I came to the conclusion I’d lost him in the weeks I’d spent away. I’d chosen to go to Indiana and stay there while my friend Brian recovered from his car accident, but the second I heard what I thought was sex happening on the other side of that door, and that I’d lost Knox for good, I wanted to take back every moment I’d spent at Brian’s bedside.
Knox being in his bedroom with a laboring Amanda was the last thing I’d expected. And I knew that said something about the level of trust I had in him. If I wanted to be here, and see where things could go with us, I needed to work on my trust issues. But one thing at a time. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tested my weight on my shaky legs.
‘Should we go downstairs?’ I asked Tucker. He nodded, taking me by the arm and helping me up from the bed. ‘I’m okay, buddy. I promise.’
He was so sweet and chivalrous, and just eight years old. It was an adorable combination. ‘Do you want to watch the new Spiderman movie? I got it for Christmas.’
‘Sure, buddy. You get it started, I’ll be right down.’ I wanted to throw the wet towels into the washing machine, figuring that the amniotic fluid currently soaking into the hardwood floors should be cleaned up before Knox got home.
After starting the wash, I met Tucker in the living room. He’d made a big nest of pillows on the couch for us and had the movie all cued up.
‘Ready?’ he asked.
I nodded.
Tucker grabbed the remote control. ‘I fast-forwarded it to the best part.’
I chuckled at his efforts, not bothering to explain that I’d prefer to watch the movie from the beginning. His enthusiasm was enough. He hit PLAY and an action scene, complete with good guys and villains, played out before us. I decided it was actually rather thoughtful of him to fast-forward just to the good parts. Plus in the weeks since Christmas, I guessed he’d already watched this at least a dozen times.
I wondered how long Amanda’s delivery would take and if the baby would be okay. She was delivering really early, but I knew she was well into her third trimester, so I hoped that meant the baby was developed enough to be all right. I was glad I had Tucker cuddled in my lap to distract me. Otherwise I’d probably be pacing the floor, completely stressed out and worried.
Just as the movie was ending, Jaxon and Luke arrived home.
‘Hey, guys.’ I whispered my greeting so as not to wake Tucker, who was softly snoring against my shoulder.
Jaxon smiled crookedly. ‘You’re back.’
I nodded.
‘Good. Knox was like a hormonal teenager when you were gone.’ Jaxon lifted Tucker from the couch and cradled his dead weight as he carried him up the stairs.
Luke sat down beside me. ‘Where’s Knox? Does he know you’re back?’
‘Yeah. It wasn’t quite the reunion I was expecting, though. When I got here, our friend Amanda from group was here and she’d gone into labor. Knox took her to the hospital.’ I left out the embarrassing part where I fell like a sack of stones, dropping to the floor from shock.
I knew it was wrong, but part of me wanted to grill Luke about Knox’s activities while I’d been away. Had he behaved himself? Knowing he’d hooked up with someone would crush me, and since it wasn’t right to use Luke’s honesty against his own brother, I abstained. ‘How was winter break?’
Luke shrugged. ‘It was okay. I worked down at the hardware store with Knox most days, trying to build up a savings account for college. I’m going to keep working there a few days a week after school.’
I loved his determination. It made me realize that I’d taken my own education for granted. When it was time for me to go to college, all I had to do was apply, and even then I’d complained about the endless essays and applications. My parents had set aside money for years so I didn’t have to worry about anything when it was time to go. As much as I tried to put myself in Luke’s shoes, I knew I’d never really understand the struggles he had to endure. ‘I heard you guys volunteered on Christmas,’ I said.
‘Yeah. It was really cool. I think we’re gonna start doing that every year, make it our new family tradition. Holidays just aren’t the same without our parents.’
‘I know what you mean.’ I loved the idea that I might have inspired their new holiday tradition.
Jaxon returned from putting Tucker to bed, and stood in front of where Luke and I sat on the couch. ‘I think I’m gonna go out for a while.’
‘Stay in with us,’ I blurted. I didn’t want to worry and wonder where Jaxon was and who he was with; I felt responsible for the boys tonight with Knox away. Maybe it was my nerves, or maybe it was because of what happened to Brian, but I’d feel a lot more comfortable with us all under one roof.
‘You have to make it worth my while then.’ He smirked.
‘Okay?’ I hadn’t meant to phrase it as a question, but I was curious what he meant.
‘You know how to play poker?’ he asked.
‘A little.’ One of my college roommates had a boyfriend who was really into poker. He’d taught us both the basics.
‘You have any cash on you?’
I nodded.
‘Perfect. Come on.’
Luke and I rose from the couch and followed Jaxon to the dining room table. Luke tugged on my wrist, meeting my eyes with a solemn gaze. ‘You don’t have to play with him.’
‘It’s fine.’
Honestly, the distraction of a game of cards sounded better than sitting on the couch moping and waiting for Knox to get home. And I liked the idea of getting to know Luke and Jaxon a little better. I hadn’t spent any quality time with just the three of us before. ‘Can we play with just three players?’ I asked Jaxon, settling into the chair across from him.
‘Yeah, shorthanded poker. Luke, Knox, and I play this way sometimes.’
Luke rolled his eyes. ‘Knox and I don’t play with him anymore. He’s too good. Be careful, McKenna.’
I laughed. I couldn’t really see Jaxon trying to roll me for my money. I grabbed my wallet from my purse and set it on the table next to me. ‘I think I can handle myself.’
Jaxon smiled at me, a devilish grin that showed off one dimple. ‘I like the confidence. Game on, babe.’
Luke rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head.
I watched as Jaxon pulled a roll of bills from his pocket that was several inches thick. Whoa. Where had he gotten that kind of money? There had to be several hundred dollars there, and as far as I knew he didn’t have a job. Unless you counted breaking hearts and getting into fights. I averted my eyes from the stack of money he was shuffling through. It was his business.
Jaxon made quick work of changing my twenty-dollar bill into singles and passing the cash back to me. ‘Aren’t you getting in?’ I asked Luke.
He shook his head. ‘I don’t play Jax for money anymore. Now we trade homework assignments.’
I guess that made sense. Luke was good at school and it seemed to come naturally for him. ‘Oh. Well, what do you get if you win?’
A confused look twisted his features. ‘I don’t know. I’ve never won.’
I watched in awe as Jaxon shuffled and dealt the cards. The way his fingers glided over the cards with ease told me he’d spent a fair amount of time playing, a little hidden talent I’d known nothing about. It seemed the more I got to know about these boys, the more they surprised me.
‘So, where is Knox anyway?’ Jaxon asked, dealing the last card.
While I arranged the cards in my hand, I explained about Amanda and how her water had broken on his bedroom floor.
Jaxon made a face and shuddered. ‘Nasty.’ Luke’s expression was more one of concern. They couldn’t be more different if they tried.
I’d been dealt a decent hand—a pair of tens and a pair of sixes—and I tossed a few dollars into the center of the table. After seeing and raising, then noticing conspicuous looks from Luke, I called Jaxon and he turned over his cards for me. A full house. He took the bills from the center of the table and gave me a mocking look.
Throughout the game I continually glanced down at my phone, wondering what was happening at the hospital and when Knox would be home. I felt a little bad that I hadn’t been the one to go with Amanda. I was sure she could have used a female friend there, but someone had to stay here with Tucker, and knowing the state I’d been in, it made sense that person was me. Watching Spiderman with a cuddly eight-year-old was much less stressful than being a birth coach, I was sure.
While Jaxon easily won hand after hand, Luke delivered salty snacks and cold beverages to the table, as if pretzels and chips would make up for me getting my butt kicked by Jaxon.
As it turned out, I wasn’t as decent a poker player as I’d thought. Or Jaxon was just that good.
When my twenty dollars had dwindled down to two, I folded, laying my cards down on the table, then yawned. It was already after midnight. ‘You know there is such a thing as letting a girl win.’ I smiled sweetly, handing over more singles.
‘I respect you too much to treat you like an unequal opponent,’ he said, sweet as pie.
‘Yeah, sure you do.’ I winked.
‘Let’s just not tell Knox about this, okay?’ Jaxon grinned, stacking his pile of newly acquired bills in front of him.
I chuckled. No doubt, Knox wouldn’t be happy about Jaxon swindling me in a game of poker. ‘I’m beat, guys. I think I’m gonna call it a night.’
One more quick check of my phone and still nothing from Knox. I considered calling him but decided against it. If he was helping Amanda during her labor, he’d have his hands full. Yet there was something that nagged at me. Her showing up here when she was in labor seemed a little odd to me. Maybe they’d grown closer while I was away. Pushing the thoughts aside, I rose from my seat and stretched. ‘’Night, guys.’
Luke and Jaxon kissed each of my cheeks and I climbed the stairs feeling happy and complete. Being near them made me feel like I was getting my second chance at a family.
Crawling into Knox’s bed alone felt strange. The bed was too big, too cold, and it made me yearn for his warmth. The one bonus was that the pillowcase smelled like him. Curling onto my side, I snuggled in closer, breathing in that delicious scent, and drifted off to sleep.
When Knox finally arrived home late the next morning, I’d already made a big pancake breakfast, cleaned up, and played an epic battle of superheroes with Tucker. Knox looked weary and tired, but most of all he looked traumatized.
I rushed to his side, cupping his cheeks in my hands. ‘Knox? The baby…?’
‘Is fine. A little girl. Not quite five pounds. They have her in intensive care, but there’s not a thing wrong with her.’
‘Wow. That’s great news. And Amanda?’
‘She’s doing well. She was a trouper. It was a long labor. For all of us.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I took in his ragged appearance, the fine lines that seemed to have appeared overnight, and his pale skin tone. ‘You look…scarred for life.’ I chuckled, giving his chest a pat.
He met my eyes, deep worry etched into his honey-brown stare. ‘No man should see the things I saw.’
I couldn’t help but giggle again at his obvious discomfort. Giving birth was a natural process, but apparently Knox and his poor eyeballs felt differently. ‘Did something…happen?’
Knox swallowed heavily. ‘I just…the things I saw…I can’t unsee that.’ He made a face.
I gave his chest a playful shove. ‘I think you’ll live. Poor Amanda is the one who had to go through it all. Did she get pain medication?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. She made it a good long while without any and then it got too bad. I called the nurse, and they put something in her back that made the pain go away.’
I smiled. Knox had proven he was a good friend and a good brother. But what I really wanted to know was if he could be a good boyfriend.
‘Thanks for staying with Tucker and the guys. Everyone good?’
I nodded. ‘All is fine. They were fun.’ I almost told him about Jaxon taking me for twenty bucks in poker last night and immediately decided against it. I knew things were already somewhat shaky between the two of them, and didn’t want to pile on any additional stress. ‘I came straight here last night because I wanted to talk.’
Knox nodded, bringing a big, warm palm to my jawline and stroking my cheek. ‘I know. We do need to talk, but I’m exhausted. I was up most of the night and the little sleep I did get was in a folding chair.’ His rough thumb continued its path, softly rubbing my cheek. ‘Can I take a rain check?’
‘Of course. I guess I’ll go home. Unpack. Shower. Water my sure-to-be-dead plants.’
‘Okay. Thanks again for last night. I’ll call you later.’
All the excitement I’d experienced when I pulled up to Knox’s house last night had vanished. I still needed answers, but for now it seemed, they would have to wait.
Chapter Three (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
Knox
McKenna surprising me last night should have been a good thing. But it was more than just the situation with Amanda that was giving me pause and had me asking for a time-out today. I knew the conversation we needed to have—about McKenna’s painful past and my own drunk-driving arrest. But every scenario I played out in my mind ended with her in tears and my heart broken. I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. I needed her. My brothers needed her. She’d only just showed back up in our lives and I didn’t want to lose her.
After greeting the guys and checking on the house, I fell into bed, drifting off to a deep sleep almost immediately. When I woke several hours later, I felt groggy and disoriented. Checking the time on my phone, I realized it was late afternoon and reluctantly crawled from bed. After a much-needed shower, I felt more alert and ventured downstairs.
Jaxon was sitting on the couch with a brand new laptop balanced across his knees.
‘Where’d you get that?’ I asked.
He looked up from the screen at me. ‘I won some money at a hand of cards.’
I frowned. ‘I told you I don’t want you gambling.’ Jaxon had enough bad habits without adding another to the mix.
‘Relax, man. I had a good hand and I bet appropriately. It’s not a big deal. And besides, I got it for Luke. I thought he could take it to college with him next year. He’s gonna need a computer.’
I couldn’t argue with that. Jaxon’s intentions were in the right place. ‘Fine. But I’m serious about the gambling.’ I headed toward the kitchen before halting mid-stride to face him again. ‘And don’t be looking up porn on that thing. I don’t want Tucker stumbling across your search history.’
Jaxon chuckled. ‘That’s the entire reason I shelled out six hundred bucks for this, dude.’
I shot him an angry scowl.
He laughed again, closing the laptop and setting it aside. ‘I’m kidding. If I want pussy, I have three dozen contacts in my phone. All I have to do is text one of them. I’m sure you know how that works.’
My blood pressure shot up. The little shit was right. Which made me realize I should probably delete all those numbers. I didn’t want McKenna finding them and getting the wrong idea. Or worse, I didn’t want to chance succumbing to temptation if this thing between me and McKenna didn’t work out.
‘Where are the guys?’ I growled.
‘At the park,’ Jaxon said. ‘And speaking of pussy…I’m going out.’ He grinned.
I rolled my eyes. Perhaps he was a lost cause. The sooner he was out on his own, the better. He would have to make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons, just as I had.
I made myself something to eat and sat alone at the kitchen table. The house was picked up and more organized, and I wondered if that had been McKenna’s touch last night. There was no denying our house felt like more of a home because of her—her light, feminine scent that hung in the air long after she was gone, the sense of calm she instilled in me and the boys, the home-cooked meals she occasionally spoiled us with. God, I’d missed her.
As I ate, my mind wandered to McKenna. She’d been a vision standing in the doorway of my bedroom last night, her skin flushed and her heartbeat racing in her neck. I couldn’t even imagine what she thought was going on inside my room. Finding Amanda in labor was probably the last thing she expected.
Anticipation coursed through me at the thought of seeing McKenna tonight. She had said there were some things she needed to tell me. Which meant I needed to delay pulling the skeletons out of my closet. That would have to wait. Tonight was about her.
As I cleaned up after my meal, my mind went to the events at the hospital last night. I shuddered remembering Amanda’s guttural cries when she pushed the baby out, along with a rush of fluid and blood. I didn’t care what anyone said; there was nothing natural about that process. It made me want to kick the ass of whoever put Amanda in that position and left her to deal with the consequences alone. He was a coward, whoever he was. Watching her hold her baby girl and sob just as hard as the tiny thing in her arms was a harrowing experience, and one I’d probably never forget. The baby was born prematurely, and though nothing major appeared wrong, she’d be under close watch for some time to come. I imagined both McKenna and I would be back at the hospital to visit both of them soon.
But right now, it was about me and McKenna.
When I picked up McKenna an hour later, she jogged down the stairs before I had the chance to go up and get her. Exiting the Jeep, I crossed around the front and met her beside the passenger door. She stood silently waiting for me to open it. But I wasn’t in any sort of rush.
Taking her face in my hands, I brought her lips to mine. ‘God, I missed you.’ I held her close, drinking in her breath, the warmth I felt just having her near. ‘When you left, I thought…’
‘What?’ she murmured, her mouth brushing against mine.
‘That I’d lost you. I thought you were choosing Brian and a normal life back home over me and all my mountains of baggage.’
Her eyebrows pinched together. ‘How could you think that?’
Moving my hands from her jaw to her waist, I tucked my thumbs into the back of her jeans and stroked the smooth skin of her lower back. ‘That morning you left…I shouldn’t have let you go like that.’
McKenna’s mouth lifted in a smile just before my lips claimed hers. Not needing any more prompting, she pressed her lips to mine, running her tongue along my bottom lip until my lips parted and her tongue swept inside, gently stroking mine. What began as a sweet hello kiss turned into something much more desperate. She felt it. I felt it. This time apart hadn’t been easy on either of us.
It was a damn good thing she was back. After getting a taste of how sweet and sensual she was, I knew I was ruined for all other girls. There was only McKenna.
I growled in satisfaction, a low rumble emanating from the back of my throat. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Distracting you,’ she said, her voice breathy.
‘It’s working.’ I pressed my hips into hers, letting her feel the hard ridge she’d inspired in my jeans. ‘We should go before I get arrested for public indecency.’
She giggled. ‘Where are we headed? Your place?’
I shook my head. ‘I might have something planned.’
This information earned me a smile. Good, because I’d planned my very first date and something in me liked the recognition. I’d never dated, and McKenna understood what this meant.
If it were summer, I could take her to the Navy Pier and ride the Ferris wheel, or to the beach where we could sit and watch the waves of Lake Michigan crash against the shoreline. Instead, I helped her inside the warmth of my Jeep. The frigid temperatures dictated we’d be doing something indoors.
I drove us to the downtown restaurant I’d researched online. Never had I spent so much time planning a meal. But this wasn’t just any meal; it was a second chance for us. Knowing it would take a small miracle to find parking even reasonably close to the restaurant, I pulled to a stop in front of the valet sign. McKenna shot me a curious glare. ‘We’re eating here?’
I nodded. I might not have much to offer her, but one nice meal out wasn’t going to break the bank. McKenna had done so much for me and for the boys. I wanted to treat her to something special and show her how important she was to me.
After I handed my keys to the valet, we headed inside the quaint Italian restaurant, Cucina Bella, and were guided to the table I’d reserved near the fireplace. McKenna’s answering smile was the only reassurance I needed. It was good to mix things up now and then.
We sipped our drinks—sparkling water with lemon for her and a draft beer for me—and made small talk. She’d hinted that there were some things she needed to talk to me about, and as insanely curious as I was, I allowed her to gather her courage without prying. When the server approached our table for a second time, I looked to McKenna. ‘Shall we decide on dinner?’
She nodded.
‘Just a few more minutes,’ I told the apron-clad server. He turned on his heel and strode away.
After flipping open her menu, McKenna scanned the length of the page before her gaze jerked to mine. ‘This place seems kind of pricey…are you sure this is okay?’
‘Of course. Order whatever you’d like.’ There were various cuts of steak and several types of seafood dishes.
She chewed on her lower lip. ‘I can pay for myself, don’t feel like you have to…’
Leaning in toward her, I placed my hand on hers. ‘I brought you because I wanted to enjoy a nice night out with you. One without loud, nosy boys, video games, and stale pizza.’
McKenna’s mouth pinched closed and she gave me a tight nod.
I had no idea what she was thinking, but if she was so worried about money, I could open my wallet and show her we wouldn’t be locked in the kitchen washing dishes to pay for our meal. I could afford a nice dinner, for Christ’s sake.
Once we had ordered, I pushed my chair closer toward her and leaned in. ‘Are we going to talk about what’s on your mind?’
McKenna swallowed the piece of bread she’d been absently nibbling and placed the rest on her saucer. ‘Okay.’
Watching her chew on her lower lip again, I suddenly had a sinking feeling about whatever it was she was going to tell me. Like a schmuck, I’d planned a romantic date, and by the sour expression on her face, she was going to break up with me. Just my fucking luck.
‘I had a moment of clarity in Indiana and realized you were right about some things.’ She took a deep, fortifying breath. ‘I can’t keep up this pace. It’s not healthy, and my parents wouldn’t have wanted this for me.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘This is too much for me, Knox. I thought I could do it, be with you and lead Sex Addicts Anonymous, but I can’t. I’m emotionally exhausted and it’s not something I can continue.’
‘You don’t want to lead group anymore?’
She shook her head.
‘And us…are you saying…’
‘I feel like I probably rushed you. You were in treatment and I just…wedged myself into your life, your home…your bed.’ A playful smirk lifted her mouth.
‘I had no complaints.’
The truth was, the aspects to our physical relationship moved at a much slower pace than I was used to, but our emotional relationship was what had sent me spiraling out of control. That loving side of me had died a long time ago, on the day I’d watched my mother be lowered into the cold, hard earth. But if there was anything that gave me hope that maybe I could get that part of me back, it was McKenna.
‘So you were worried about telling me you’re leaving group?’ I asked.
She nodded. ‘And there are a few other things, too.’
‘First, I’m happy that you’re realizing your schedule was too full, and I think it’s good you’re taking a step back. Besides, my days at group are done anyway. It’s no longer court appointed for me. I passed through all the sessions with flying colors.’
‘Why was your therapy court appointed?’ A crease in her forehead lifted her brow as she apparently realized it was something we’d never discussed.
Fuck.
‘We’ll get to that.’ Later. When hell froze over, hopefully. I needed to man up and grow a pair, to tell her about my secret past, but knowing there was a chance she wouldn’t be able to live with my actions, I wasn’t willing to do that just yet. I wanted her to know how I felt about her first, and since the idea of telling her I loved her made my body break out in a cold sweat, I figured I needed a little time. She probably didn’t realize it, but I’d never said that to a woman before. It was a big fucking deal to me and not something I just tossed around.
‘Tell me what else is on your mind,’ I said, my voice low and more commanding than I’d intended.
She took a deep, shuddering breath, her nerves rising to the surface. ‘I finally settled all my parents’ legal affairs.’
‘And?’ What did that have to do with us?
‘I inherited some money.’ She cleared her throat. ‘A lot of money, in fact.’ With her eyes darting up to mine, McKenna licked her lips. ‘Enough to take care of college for Luke.’
I bit down and tasted blood. ‘Absolutely not.’
‘W-why?’ she asked.
‘Because the Bauers pay their own way. And your parents left that money for you. This is another one of your do-good charity routines and avoiding facing reality. They left that money for you and only you. They didn’t set up some scholarship fund for needy kids. They wanted you to take care of yourself, have a nice, comfortable life. And I won’t have you shoving this cash at Luke just to avoid that.’
McKenna drew a deep breath as anger flashed in her eyes. She could argue all she wanted, but she knew I was right. This was just another of her damn avoidance techniques. She said she’d grown during this trip home, had realized a few things; well, it was time to see if she was telling the truth. Because there was no way in fuck her parents worked hard and saved their whole lives just to see their only daughter give away their life savings to pay someone else’s way while she lived like a pauper in a tiny apartment and took the bus. Fuck that. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.
‘Is this money the reason you offered to pay for dinner tonight?’ I asked through clenched teeth.
McKenna lowered her eyes, her chin falling to her chest.
Great. Not only was I not good enough for her, now there was some type of financial divide between us, too. A low growl emanated inside my chest. ‘Let’s just go.’ Feeling defeated, I reached for my wallet and tossed more than enough money down on the table to cover our bill before I stood.
She rose to her feet and followed me to the exit, her eyes still trained on the floor.
Once inside the Jeep, I tried to shake off the sting of defeat I’d experienced back there in that restaurant. I’d tried to do something nice for her, show her that she was my girl and I could take care of her, and it had all backfired in my face. She didn’t trust me to pay for a simple meal, let alone take care of my own family. Fuck.
Noticing the way her arms were curled around her middle, I cranked the heat to high. ‘Are you warm enough?’
She nodded. ‘I’m fine.’
Damn it. I was being a prick. I took a deep breath, fighting to calm my raging emotions. ‘Hey…’ My tone softened and I reached for her hand. ‘I’m sorry.’
Gazing out at the headlights of the oncoming traffic and the snowflakes floating in the night sky, I knew this wasn’t her fault. Her intentions were pure, as always. And she had no way of knowing that one of my hot buttons was when people assumed I couldn’t take care of the boys. It had happened numerous times over the years. I caught suspicious glares or outright accusations about how I could afford to provide for them from teachers, guidance counselors, and even my own lawyer at the custody hearing. McKenna had touched on a sore spot for me, but her involvement wasn’t like the others. She wanted to help, plain and simple. And I’d all but jumped down her throat. Not that it changed my stance any, but I knew I’d overreacted.
McKenna watched the traffic pass, looking deep in thought. ‘It’s okay. It wasn’t my place.’
I didn’t say anything further, I just laced her fingers between mine and squeezed her hand in the darkness. ‘You’re always thinking of others. I just want to see you take care of yourself with that money.’
She nodded. ‘I know. I will, I promise.’
‘And I think your first priority should be buying yourself a car. I don’t like you taking the city bus.’
She nodded again. ‘I know. I’ve thought about that, too.’
I released a deep exhale. Good. We were getting somewhere. I knew I shouldn’t have freaked out earlier and ruined the entire night. But she was still here and she was holding my hand, so maybe it wasn’t completely ruined.
‘I thought you’d say the first priority was me moving out of my place with Brian and getting my own apartment.’
Shaking my head, I glanced over at her. ‘No. Contrary to what you might think, I like you living with him, with someone there to protect you in case of a break-in. I wouldn’t want you moving out until you’re ready to move in with me.’
Glancing her way, I checked for her reaction. McKenna’s mouth dropped open and she stared blankly straight ahead. I might not have said the L-word yet, but judging by her reaction, that clued her in to how I felt. She wasn’t just some random hookup to me. But something told me McKenna needed to hear that in words, and not just through my actions.
I parked in front of her building and brought her hand to my lips, pressing a tender kiss there before releasing it.
Chapter Four (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
McKenna
‘Do you want to come inside?’ I asked Knox as we sat in silence outside my apartment building. I might as well take advantage of the fact that Brian was out of town and I still had the apartment to myself. Plus, before our argument over money, Knox had said that tonight’s date was supposed to be just us, and I wasn’t ready for it to be over.
Wordlessly, Knox turned off the ignition and his dark gaze met mine, causing a warm shiver to rake across my skin. ‘Brian still gone?’
I nodded. He was thinking the same thing I was—that with Brian out of town, this was one of the rare times we’d have true privacy from the boys. Delicious anticipation raced through my veins.
Knox was out of the Jeep and opening my door within seconds, causing my lips to curl up in a grin. He was every bit as eager for this reunion as I was. We still hadn’t talked about the elephant in the room—our relationship—but I was trying to give him the time he needed. I’d told him I loved him, and weeks later he’d scrawled the same message to me on the frosty pane of his window. Hearing him say those words to me was what I craved, what I needed, but I was going to be patient with him. For now.
His arm curled protectively around my middle as we trekked up the two flights of stairs to my unit. Feeling his big, warm hand at my rib cage shouldn’t have caused such a thrill to course through me, but it did. I was addicted to his touch more than was even remotely normal. I’d lived twenty-one years without the touch of a man, and yet right from the beginning I’d been hungry for his. My time away had only made this need inside me more acute. And Knox’s thrumming pulse and barely there restraint told me he felt it, too.
My shaking hands fumbled to get the key in the lock, but once I did and the door pushed open, Knox towed me inside, slammed it closed behind us, and pressed my back against the door. The air whooshed from my lungs as my back hit the door and his solid body closed in on me. His eyes flashed on mine, dark and hungry, seconds before his eager mouth found mine.
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Kendall Ryan
From the author of FILTHY BEAUTIFUL LIES comes a hotly charged new erotica series - this is book 3 of 3. Perfect for fans of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.The final book in the WHEN I BREAK seriesKnox and McKenna’s relationship has reached a critical impasse. The mistakes and secrets of their pasts have caught up to them and threaten their future happiness. Can McKenna trust that Knox’s sexual addiction is behind him and make a life with this beautifully troubled man? And when Knox reveals the full truth about his past, will McKenna be able to put her own fears aside and accept him?With everything to lose, this scorching end to the trilogy pushes Knox and McKenna to the very limits – and beyond.
When We Fall
When I Break series Book 3
BY KENDALL RYAN
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published by Kendall Ryan Books 2014
First published in Great Britain by Harper 2015
Copyright © Kendall Ryan 2014
Cover photograph © Jupiter Images / Getty Images
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2015
Kendall Ryan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9781499564242
Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780008133931
Version 2015-03-31
Contents
Cover (#ud9cac8a6-c977-5331-a6f8-19375f04253c)
Title Page (#u84d522eb-e0c0-5168-8d31-14862d014dec)
Copyright (#ud3018e5d-eeee-5afe-8ad9-76e62fdb2274)
Chapter One (#uee71d6a0-c1ae-50ec-818b-2bee9b5d7097)
Chapter Two (#ucbf34f75-cc18-5933-be69-9e830382f248)
Chapter Three (#u6dba2f38-8437-51d3-9248-d5c808ce6614)
Chapter Four (#uef2b9efb-ce9b-5ed7-aa49-85ca2d42e820)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Read More From Kendall Ryan (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Tell Me Your Favourite Part (#litres_trial_promo)
Connect With Kendall Ryan: (#litres_trial_promo)
Also by Kendall Ryan (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
Knox
I knew I needed to stay calm and assess the situation, but McKenna showing up here tonight had really thrown me off. And not to mention a very pregnant Amanda waddling across my floor, groaning in pain, was putting me a little outside my comfort zone. My head was spinning like a fucking top.
Think, Knox.
I checked on McKenna again. She was sprawled across my bed where I’d laid her down, and her body was limp and pale. She was breathing, but she wasn’t responding to my voice or touch. She had passed out cold from the shock of finding me in my bedroom with Amanda. I would have to deal with the repercussions later. My guess was that McKenna had driven back from her extended stay in Indiana, and finding me with Amanda in my bedroom—along with the soundtrack of Amanda’s moans—had McKenna assuming the worst. Next, I tried to get Amanda to sit down and rest, but she pushed me away, insisting that walking was helping.
Knowing I was seriously out of my element, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my neighbor, Nikki. She had a baby; surely she’d know if this was false labor or the real thing.
‘Nik, yeah. Hey, my friend Amanda thinks she’s going into labor, but she’s not due for another several weeks—’
Nikki cut me off, saying something about a guy named Braxton Hicks and timing contractions, but before I could hear the rest, Amanda let out a bloodcurdling scream.
‘I’m peeing, I think I’m peeing! Am I peeing?’ She squatted on the floor, her pants growing darker with a wet stain.
What the fuck? I cursed under my breath and crossed the room to give her a hand.
Nikki, overhearing the entire thing, laughed. ‘Her water just broke. Get her to the hospital. This baby’s coming early.’
Christ. ‘McKenna’s here and passed out—I can’t just leave her. And Tucker’s here, too. Can you come over?’
‘Sorry, I’m out of town at my mom’s,’ Nikki said.
‘All right. Gotta go, Nik.’
‘Good luck.’
I hung up the phone and helped Amanda remove her wet pants and underwear, then gave her a pair of my sweats. I’d worry about cleaning up the puddle of water on my floor later. In all the commotion, Tucker had come upstairs and was now peeking around the open doorway. ‘It’s okay, Tuck, you can come in.’
He ventured inside the room slowly, looking around at the two women, his eyes as big as saucers. McKenna was still out cold. ‘What happened?’ he asked.
‘Kenna’s all right, I promise. And Amanda’s going to have her baby.’
Amanda let out a low moan and sat down on the bed next to McKenna. Doing the only thing I could, I picked up my phone and dialed 911. The paramedics could make sure McKenna was all right and give Amanda a lift to the hospital. While I waited for them to arrive, I sent Tucker downstairs to gather up some towels. He didn’t need to be up here seeing Amanda in agonizing pain and worrying about McKenna. It wasn’t healthy for his little mind to try to process all that was happening. I was having a hard enough time keeping my own stress level contained.
A few minutes later I heard sirens and ran downstairs to meet the paramedics. One man and one woman rushed inside and followed me and a wide-eyed Tucker up the stairs to my attic bedroom.
They assessed Amanda and determined that she was in active labor and got her ready for transport. Then they turned their attention to McKenna. I didn’t breathe a full, deep breath until I saw her eyelids flutter and open. Her eyes met mine, and all the fear and anxiety knotting inside me relaxed just slightly.
‘Hey, angel.’ I leaned over her on the bed and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
‘What happened?’ she asked, pushing up on her elbows to sit up.
Tucker edged himself closer, nearly climbing into her lap. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who’d been worried about her.
‘Tuck, give her some space.’
McKenna took his hand and squeezed, showing him that she was okay.
‘You came in and saw me and Amanda, and you passed out,’ I explained.
Her gaze shot over to where Amanda was sitting on the sofa with the paramedics on either side of her. ‘Oh my God, is she okay?’
‘She’s in labor. They’re gonna take her to the hospital. She came here about an hour ago, complaining of a backache and contractions, and said she didn’t have anywhere else to go.’
McKenna chewed on her lip, taking in the chaos across the room.
‘Sir?’ One of the paramedics called me over and I kissed McKenna’s forehead again, then went to them.
‘How is she?’
‘She’s doing great but progressing quickly, so we need to get going.’
Amanda grabbed my hand. ‘You’re coming with me, right?’
I hadn’t planned on it, but the fear in her eyes pulled at something deep inside me.
‘I need someone,’ Amanda insisted. ‘I can’t do this alone. Can either you or McKenna come with me?’ Her voice was shrill, bordering on hysterical.
Shit. Amanda was right. And since McKenna had just driven five hours and then had a fainting spell, I didn’t particularly want to send her off to the hospital for what could very well turn into an all-night process. ‘Of course I’ll come.’
While the paramedics brought Amanda downstairs and loaded her into the ambulance, I explained to McKenna and Tucker that I was going to the hospital. McKenna’s crystal-blue eyes turned hazy and she blinked several times, looking away.
‘Will you be okay here with Tuck?’ I asked her. ‘The guys should be home soon.’
McKenna nodded. ‘I’ll be fine. And you’re right, someone should be with her. We’ll talk when you get back.’
Unable to stop touching McKenna, I kissed her temple and told Tucker to take good care of her, then dashed down the stairs to grab my keys. I would follow the ambulance in my Jeep.
Chapter Two (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
McKenna
I’d imagined the worst when I heard the feminine moans coming from behind Knox’s closed bedroom door. My heart had shattered and crumbled into a million pieces as I came to the conclusion I’d lost him in the weeks I’d spent away. I’d chosen to go to Indiana and stay there while my friend Brian recovered from his car accident, but the second I heard what I thought was sex happening on the other side of that door, and that I’d lost Knox for good, I wanted to take back every moment I’d spent at Brian’s bedside.
Knox being in his bedroom with a laboring Amanda was the last thing I’d expected. And I knew that said something about the level of trust I had in him. If I wanted to be here, and see where things could go with us, I needed to work on my trust issues. But one thing at a time. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tested my weight on my shaky legs.
‘Should we go downstairs?’ I asked Tucker. He nodded, taking me by the arm and helping me up from the bed. ‘I’m okay, buddy. I promise.’
He was so sweet and chivalrous, and just eight years old. It was an adorable combination. ‘Do you want to watch the new Spiderman movie? I got it for Christmas.’
‘Sure, buddy. You get it started, I’ll be right down.’ I wanted to throw the wet towels into the washing machine, figuring that the amniotic fluid currently soaking into the hardwood floors should be cleaned up before Knox got home.
After starting the wash, I met Tucker in the living room. He’d made a big nest of pillows on the couch for us and had the movie all cued up.
‘Ready?’ he asked.
I nodded.
Tucker grabbed the remote control. ‘I fast-forwarded it to the best part.’
I chuckled at his efforts, not bothering to explain that I’d prefer to watch the movie from the beginning. His enthusiasm was enough. He hit PLAY and an action scene, complete with good guys and villains, played out before us. I decided it was actually rather thoughtful of him to fast-forward just to the good parts. Plus in the weeks since Christmas, I guessed he’d already watched this at least a dozen times.
I wondered how long Amanda’s delivery would take and if the baby would be okay. She was delivering really early, but I knew she was well into her third trimester, so I hoped that meant the baby was developed enough to be all right. I was glad I had Tucker cuddled in my lap to distract me. Otherwise I’d probably be pacing the floor, completely stressed out and worried.
Just as the movie was ending, Jaxon and Luke arrived home.
‘Hey, guys.’ I whispered my greeting so as not to wake Tucker, who was softly snoring against my shoulder.
Jaxon smiled crookedly. ‘You’re back.’
I nodded.
‘Good. Knox was like a hormonal teenager when you were gone.’ Jaxon lifted Tucker from the couch and cradled his dead weight as he carried him up the stairs.
Luke sat down beside me. ‘Where’s Knox? Does he know you’re back?’
‘Yeah. It wasn’t quite the reunion I was expecting, though. When I got here, our friend Amanda from group was here and she’d gone into labor. Knox took her to the hospital.’ I left out the embarrassing part where I fell like a sack of stones, dropping to the floor from shock.
I knew it was wrong, but part of me wanted to grill Luke about Knox’s activities while I’d been away. Had he behaved himself? Knowing he’d hooked up with someone would crush me, and since it wasn’t right to use Luke’s honesty against his own brother, I abstained. ‘How was winter break?’
Luke shrugged. ‘It was okay. I worked down at the hardware store with Knox most days, trying to build up a savings account for college. I’m going to keep working there a few days a week after school.’
I loved his determination. It made me realize that I’d taken my own education for granted. When it was time for me to go to college, all I had to do was apply, and even then I’d complained about the endless essays and applications. My parents had set aside money for years so I didn’t have to worry about anything when it was time to go. As much as I tried to put myself in Luke’s shoes, I knew I’d never really understand the struggles he had to endure. ‘I heard you guys volunteered on Christmas,’ I said.
‘Yeah. It was really cool. I think we’re gonna start doing that every year, make it our new family tradition. Holidays just aren’t the same without our parents.’
‘I know what you mean.’ I loved the idea that I might have inspired their new holiday tradition.
Jaxon returned from putting Tucker to bed, and stood in front of where Luke and I sat on the couch. ‘I think I’m gonna go out for a while.’
‘Stay in with us,’ I blurted. I didn’t want to worry and wonder where Jaxon was and who he was with; I felt responsible for the boys tonight with Knox away. Maybe it was my nerves, or maybe it was because of what happened to Brian, but I’d feel a lot more comfortable with us all under one roof.
‘You have to make it worth my while then.’ He smirked.
‘Okay?’ I hadn’t meant to phrase it as a question, but I was curious what he meant.
‘You know how to play poker?’ he asked.
‘A little.’ One of my college roommates had a boyfriend who was really into poker. He’d taught us both the basics.
‘You have any cash on you?’
I nodded.
‘Perfect. Come on.’
Luke and I rose from the couch and followed Jaxon to the dining room table. Luke tugged on my wrist, meeting my eyes with a solemn gaze. ‘You don’t have to play with him.’
‘It’s fine.’
Honestly, the distraction of a game of cards sounded better than sitting on the couch moping and waiting for Knox to get home. And I liked the idea of getting to know Luke and Jaxon a little better. I hadn’t spent any quality time with just the three of us before. ‘Can we play with just three players?’ I asked Jaxon, settling into the chair across from him.
‘Yeah, shorthanded poker. Luke, Knox, and I play this way sometimes.’
Luke rolled his eyes. ‘Knox and I don’t play with him anymore. He’s too good. Be careful, McKenna.’
I laughed. I couldn’t really see Jaxon trying to roll me for my money. I grabbed my wallet from my purse and set it on the table next to me. ‘I think I can handle myself.’
Jaxon smiled at me, a devilish grin that showed off one dimple. ‘I like the confidence. Game on, babe.’
Luke rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head.
I watched as Jaxon pulled a roll of bills from his pocket that was several inches thick. Whoa. Where had he gotten that kind of money? There had to be several hundred dollars there, and as far as I knew he didn’t have a job. Unless you counted breaking hearts and getting into fights. I averted my eyes from the stack of money he was shuffling through. It was his business.
Jaxon made quick work of changing my twenty-dollar bill into singles and passing the cash back to me. ‘Aren’t you getting in?’ I asked Luke.
He shook his head. ‘I don’t play Jax for money anymore. Now we trade homework assignments.’
I guess that made sense. Luke was good at school and it seemed to come naturally for him. ‘Oh. Well, what do you get if you win?’
A confused look twisted his features. ‘I don’t know. I’ve never won.’
I watched in awe as Jaxon shuffled and dealt the cards. The way his fingers glided over the cards with ease told me he’d spent a fair amount of time playing, a little hidden talent I’d known nothing about. It seemed the more I got to know about these boys, the more they surprised me.
‘So, where is Knox anyway?’ Jaxon asked, dealing the last card.
While I arranged the cards in my hand, I explained about Amanda and how her water had broken on his bedroom floor.
Jaxon made a face and shuddered. ‘Nasty.’ Luke’s expression was more one of concern. They couldn’t be more different if they tried.
I’d been dealt a decent hand—a pair of tens and a pair of sixes—and I tossed a few dollars into the center of the table. After seeing and raising, then noticing conspicuous looks from Luke, I called Jaxon and he turned over his cards for me. A full house. He took the bills from the center of the table and gave me a mocking look.
Throughout the game I continually glanced down at my phone, wondering what was happening at the hospital and when Knox would be home. I felt a little bad that I hadn’t been the one to go with Amanda. I was sure she could have used a female friend there, but someone had to stay here with Tucker, and knowing the state I’d been in, it made sense that person was me. Watching Spiderman with a cuddly eight-year-old was much less stressful than being a birth coach, I was sure.
While Jaxon easily won hand after hand, Luke delivered salty snacks and cold beverages to the table, as if pretzels and chips would make up for me getting my butt kicked by Jaxon.
As it turned out, I wasn’t as decent a poker player as I’d thought. Or Jaxon was just that good.
When my twenty dollars had dwindled down to two, I folded, laying my cards down on the table, then yawned. It was already after midnight. ‘You know there is such a thing as letting a girl win.’ I smiled sweetly, handing over more singles.
‘I respect you too much to treat you like an unequal opponent,’ he said, sweet as pie.
‘Yeah, sure you do.’ I winked.
‘Let’s just not tell Knox about this, okay?’ Jaxon grinned, stacking his pile of newly acquired bills in front of him.
I chuckled. No doubt, Knox wouldn’t be happy about Jaxon swindling me in a game of poker. ‘I’m beat, guys. I think I’m gonna call it a night.’
One more quick check of my phone and still nothing from Knox. I considered calling him but decided against it. If he was helping Amanda during her labor, he’d have his hands full. Yet there was something that nagged at me. Her showing up here when she was in labor seemed a little odd to me. Maybe they’d grown closer while I was away. Pushing the thoughts aside, I rose from my seat and stretched. ‘’Night, guys.’
Luke and Jaxon kissed each of my cheeks and I climbed the stairs feeling happy and complete. Being near them made me feel like I was getting my second chance at a family.
Crawling into Knox’s bed alone felt strange. The bed was too big, too cold, and it made me yearn for his warmth. The one bonus was that the pillowcase smelled like him. Curling onto my side, I snuggled in closer, breathing in that delicious scent, and drifted off to sleep.
When Knox finally arrived home late the next morning, I’d already made a big pancake breakfast, cleaned up, and played an epic battle of superheroes with Tucker. Knox looked weary and tired, but most of all he looked traumatized.
I rushed to his side, cupping his cheeks in my hands. ‘Knox? The baby…?’
‘Is fine. A little girl. Not quite five pounds. They have her in intensive care, but there’s not a thing wrong with her.’
‘Wow. That’s great news. And Amanda?’
‘She’s doing well. She was a trouper. It was a long labor. For all of us.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I took in his ragged appearance, the fine lines that seemed to have appeared overnight, and his pale skin tone. ‘You look…scarred for life.’ I chuckled, giving his chest a pat.
He met my eyes, deep worry etched into his honey-brown stare. ‘No man should see the things I saw.’
I couldn’t help but giggle again at his obvious discomfort. Giving birth was a natural process, but apparently Knox and his poor eyeballs felt differently. ‘Did something…happen?’
Knox swallowed heavily. ‘I just…the things I saw…I can’t unsee that.’ He made a face.
I gave his chest a playful shove. ‘I think you’ll live. Poor Amanda is the one who had to go through it all. Did she get pain medication?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. She made it a good long while without any and then it got too bad. I called the nurse, and they put something in her back that made the pain go away.’
I smiled. Knox had proven he was a good friend and a good brother. But what I really wanted to know was if he could be a good boyfriend.
‘Thanks for staying with Tucker and the guys. Everyone good?’
I nodded. ‘All is fine. They were fun.’ I almost told him about Jaxon taking me for twenty bucks in poker last night and immediately decided against it. I knew things were already somewhat shaky between the two of them, and didn’t want to pile on any additional stress. ‘I came straight here last night because I wanted to talk.’
Knox nodded, bringing a big, warm palm to my jawline and stroking my cheek. ‘I know. We do need to talk, but I’m exhausted. I was up most of the night and the little sleep I did get was in a folding chair.’ His rough thumb continued its path, softly rubbing my cheek. ‘Can I take a rain check?’
‘Of course. I guess I’ll go home. Unpack. Shower. Water my sure-to-be-dead plants.’
‘Okay. Thanks again for last night. I’ll call you later.’
All the excitement I’d experienced when I pulled up to Knox’s house last night had vanished. I still needed answers, but for now it seemed, they would have to wait.
Chapter Three (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
Knox
McKenna surprising me last night should have been a good thing. But it was more than just the situation with Amanda that was giving me pause and had me asking for a time-out today. I knew the conversation we needed to have—about McKenna’s painful past and my own drunk-driving arrest. But every scenario I played out in my mind ended with her in tears and my heart broken. I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. I needed her. My brothers needed her. She’d only just showed back up in our lives and I didn’t want to lose her.
After greeting the guys and checking on the house, I fell into bed, drifting off to a deep sleep almost immediately. When I woke several hours later, I felt groggy and disoriented. Checking the time on my phone, I realized it was late afternoon and reluctantly crawled from bed. After a much-needed shower, I felt more alert and ventured downstairs.
Jaxon was sitting on the couch with a brand new laptop balanced across his knees.
‘Where’d you get that?’ I asked.
He looked up from the screen at me. ‘I won some money at a hand of cards.’
I frowned. ‘I told you I don’t want you gambling.’ Jaxon had enough bad habits without adding another to the mix.
‘Relax, man. I had a good hand and I bet appropriately. It’s not a big deal. And besides, I got it for Luke. I thought he could take it to college with him next year. He’s gonna need a computer.’
I couldn’t argue with that. Jaxon’s intentions were in the right place. ‘Fine. But I’m serious about the gambling.’ I headed toward the kitchen before halting mid-stride to face him again. ‘And don’t be looking up porn on that thing. I don’t want Tucker stumbling across your search history.’
Jaxon chuckled. ‘That’s the entire reason I shelled out six hundred bucks for this, dude.’
I shot him an angry scowl.
He laughed again, closing the laptop and setting it aside. ‘I’m kidding. If I want pussy, I have three dozen contacts in my phone. All I have to do is text one of them. I’m sure you know how that works.’
My blood pressure shot up. The little shit was right. Which made me realize I should probably delete all those numbers. I didn’t want McKenna finding them and getting the wrong idea. Or worse, I didn’t want to chance succumbing to temptation if this thing between me and McKenna didn’t work out.
‘Where are the guys?’ I growled.
‘At the park,’ Jaxon said. ‘And speaking of pussy…I’m going out.’ He grinned.
I rolled my eyes. Perhaps he was a lost cause. The sooner he was out on his own, the better. He would have to make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons, just as I had.
I made myself something to eat and sat alone at the kitchen table. The house was picked up and more organized, and I wondered if that had been McKenna’s touch last night. There was no denying our house felt like more of a home because of her—her light, feminine scent that hung in the air long after she was gone, the sense of calm she instilled in me and the boys, the home-cooked meals she occasionally spoiled us with. God, I’d missed her.
As I ate, my mind wandered to McKenna. She’d been a vision standing in the doorway of my bedroom last night, her skin flushed and her heartbeat racing in her neck. I couldn’t even imagine what she thought was going on inside my room. Finding Amanda in labor was probably the last thing she expected.
Anticipation coursed through me at the thought of seeing McKenna tonight. She had said there were some things she needed to tell me. Which meant I needed to delay pulling the skeletons out of my closet. That would have to wait. Tonight was about her.
As I cleaned up after my meal, my mind went to the events at the hospital last night. I shuddered remembering Amanda’s guttural cries when she pushed the baby out, along with a rush of fluid and blood. I didn’t care what anyone said; there was nothing natural about that process. It made me want to kick the ass of whoever put Amanda in that position and left her to deal with the consequences alone. He was a coward, whoever he was. Watching her hold her baby girl and sob just as hard as the tiny thing in her arms was a harrowing experience, and one I’d probably never forget. The baby was born prematurely, and though nothing major appeared wrong, she’d be under close watch for some time to come. I imagined both McKenna and I would be back at the hospital to visit both of them soon.
But right now, it was about me and McKenna.
When I picked up McKenna an hour later, she jogged down the stairs before I had the chance to go up and get her. Exiting the Jeep, I crossed around the front and met her beside the passenger door. She stood silently waiting for me to open it. But I wasn’t in any sort of rush.
Taking her face in my hands, I brought her lips to mine. ‘God, I missed you.’ I held her close, drinking in her breath, the warmth I felt just having her near. ‘When you left, I thought…’
‘What?’ she murmured, her mouth brushing against mine.
‘That I’d lost you. I thought you were choosing Brian and a normal life back home over me and all my mountains of baggage.’
Her eyebrows pinched together. ‘How could you think that?’
Moving my hands from her jaw to her waist, I tucked my thumbs into the back of her jeans and stroked the smooth skin of her lower back. ‘That morning you left…I shouldn’t have let you go like that.’
McKenna’s mouth lifted in a smile just before my lips claimed hers. Not needing any more prompting, she pressed her lips to mine, running her tongue along my bottom lip until my lips parted and her tongue swept inside, gently stroking mine. What began as a sweet hello kiss turned into something much more desperate. She felt it. I felt it. This time apart hadn’t been easy on either of us.
It was a damn good thing she was back. After getting a taste of how sweet and sensual she was, I knew I was ruined for all other girls. There was only McKenna.
I growled in satisfaction, a low rumble emanating from the back of my throat. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Distracting you,’ she said, her voice breathy.
‘It’s working.’ I pressed my hips into hers, letting her feel the hard ridge she’d inspired in my jeans. ‘We should go before I get arrested for public indecency.’
She giggled. ‘Where are we headed? Your place?’
I shook my head. ‘I might have something planned.’
This information earned me a smile. Good, because I’d planned my very first date and something in me liked the recognition. I’d never dated, and McKenna understood what this meant.
If it were summer, I could take her to the Navy Pier and ride the Ferris wheel, or to the beach where we could sit and watch the waves of Lake Michigan crash against the shoreline. Instead, I helped her inside the warmth of my Jeep. The frigid temperatures dictated we’d be doing something indoors.
I drove us to the downtown restaurant I’d researched online. Never had I spent so much time planning a meal. But this wasn’t just any meal; it was a second chance for us. Knowing it would take a small miracle to find parking even reasonably close to the restaurant, I pulled to a stop in front of the valet sign. McKenna shot me a curious glare. ‘We’re eating here?’
I nodded. I might not have much to offer her, but one nice meal out wasn’t going to break the bank. McKenna had done so much for me and for the boys. I wanted to treat her to something special and show her how important she was to me.
After I handed my keys to the valet, we headed inside the quaint Italian restaurant, Cucina Bella, and were guided to the table I’d reserved near the fireplace. McKenna’s answering smile was the only reassurance I needed. It was good to mix things up now and then.
We sipped our drinks—sparkling water with lemon for her and a draft beer for me—and made small talk. She’d hinted that there were some things she needed to talk to me about, and as insanely curious as I was, I allowed her to gather her courage without prying. When the server approached our table for a second time, I looked to McKenna. ‘Shall we decide on dinner?’
She nodded.
‘Just a few more minutes,’ I told the apron-clad server. He turned on his heel and strode away.
After flipping open her menu, McKenna scanned the length of the page before her gaze jerked to mine. ‘This place seems kind of pricey…are you sure this is okay?’
‘Of course. Order whatever you’d like.’ There were various cuts of steak and several types of seafood dishes.
She chewed on her lower lip. ‘I can pay for myself, don’t feel like you have to…’
Leaning in toward her, I placed my hand on hers. ‘I brought you because I wanted to enjoy a nice night out with you. One without loud, nosy boys, video games, and stale pizza.’
McKenna’s mouth pinched closed and she gave me a tight nod.
I had no idea what she was thinking, but if she was so worried about money, I could open my wallet and show her we wouldn’t be locked in the kitchen washing dishes to pay for our meal. I could afford a nice dinner, for Christ’s sake.
Once we had ordered, I pushed my chair closer toward her and leaned in. ‘Are we going to talk about what’s on your mind?’
McKenna swallowed the piece of bread she’d been absently nibbling and placed the rest on her saucer. ‘Okay.’
Watching her chew on her lower lip again, I suddenly had a sinking feeling about whatever it was she was going to tell me. Like a schmuck, I’d planned a romantic date, and by the sour expression on her face, she was going to break up with me. Just my fucking luck.
‘I had a moment of clarity in Indiana and realized you were right about some things.’ She took a deep, fortifying breath. ‘I can’t keep up this pace. It’s not healthy, and my parents wouldn’t have wanted this for me.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘This is too much for me, Knox. I thought I could do it, be with you and lead Sex Addicts Anonymous, but I can’t. I’m emotionally exhausted and it’s not something I can continue.’
‘You don’t want to lead group anymore?’
She shook her head.
‘And us…are you saying…’
‘I feel like I probably rushed you. You were in treatment and I just…wedged myself into your life, your home…your bed.’ A playful smirk lifted her mouth.
‘I had no complaints.’
The truth was, the aspects to our physical relationship moved at a much slower pace than I was used to, but our emotional relationship was what had sent me spiraling out of control. That loving side of me had died a long time ago, on the day I’d watched my mother be lowered into the cold, hard earth. But if there was anything that gave me hope that maybe I could get that part of me back, it was McKenna.
‘So you were worried about telling me you’re leaving group?’ I asked.
She nodded. ‘And there are a few other things, too.’
‘First, I’m happy that you’re realizing your schedule was too full, and I think it’s good you’re taking a step back. Besides, my days at group are done anyway. It’s no longer court appointed for me. I passed through all the sessions with flying colors.’
‘Why was your therapy court appointed?’ A crease in her forehead lifted her brow as she apparently realized it was something we’d never discussed.
Fuck.
‘We’ll get to that.’ Later. When hell froze over, hopefully. I needed to man up and grow a pair, to tell her about my secret past, but knowing there was a chance she wouldn’t be able to live with my actions, I wasn’t willing to do that just yet. I wanted her to know how I felt about her first, and since the idea of telling her I loved her made my body break out in a cold sweat, I figured I needed a little time. She probably didn’t realize it, but I’d never said that to a woman before. It was a big fucking deal to me and not something I just tossed around.
‘Tell me what else is on your mind,’ I said, my voice low and more commanding than I’d intended.
She took a deep, shuddering breath, her nerves rising to the surface. ‘I finally settled all my parents’ legal affairs.’
‘And?’ What did that have to do with us?
‘I inherited some money.’ She cleared her throat. ‘A lot of money, in fact.’ With her eyes darting up to mine, McKenna licked her lips. ‘Enough to take care of college for Luke.’
I bit down and tasted blood. ‘Absolutely not.’
‘W-why?’ she asked.
‘Because the Bauers pay their own way. And your parents left that money for you. This is another one of your do-good charity routines and avoiding facing reality. They left that money for you and only you. They didn’t set up some scholarship fund for needy kids. They wanted you to take care of yourself, have a nice, comfortable life. And I won’t have you shoving this cash at Luke just to avoid that.’
McKenna drew a deep breath as anger flashed in her eyes. She could argue all she wanted, but she knew I was right. This was just another of her damn avoidance techniques. She said she’d grown during this trip home, had realized a few things; well, it was time to see if she was telling the truth. Because there was no way in fuck her parents worked hard and saved their whole lives just to see their only daughter give away their life savings to pay someone else’s way while she lived like a pauper in a tiny apartment and took the bus. Fuck that. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.
‘Is this money the reason you offered to pay for dinner tonight?’ I asked through clenched teeth.
McKenna lowered her eyes, her chin falling to her chest.
Great. Not only was I not good enough for her, now there was some type of financial divide between us, too. A low growl emanated inside my chest. ‘Let’s just go.’ Feeling defeated, I reached for my wallet and tossed more than enough money down on the table to cover our bill before I stood.
She rose to her feet and followed me to the exit, her eyes still trained on the floor.
Once inside the Jeep, I tried to shake off the sting of defeat I’d experienced back there in that restaurant. I’d tried to do something nice for her, show her that she was my girl and I could take care of her, and it had all backfired in my face. She didn’t trust me to pay for a simple meal, let alone take care of my own family. Fuck.
Noticing the way her arms were curled around her middle, I cranked the heat to high. ‘Are you warm enough?’
She nodded. ‘I’m fine.’
Damn it. I was being a prick. I took a deep breath, fighting to calm my raging emotions. ‘Hey…’ My tone softened and I reached for her hand. ‘I’m sorry.’
Gazing out at the headlights of the oncoming traffic and the snowflakes floating in the night sky, I knew this wasn’t her fault. Her intentions were pure, as always. And she had no way of knowing that one of my hot buttons was when people assumed I couldn’t take care of the boys. It had happened numerous times over the years. I caught suspicious glares or outright accusations about how I could afford to provide for them from teachers, guidance counselors, and even my own lawyer at the custody hearing. McKenna had touched on a sore spot for me, but her involvement wasn’t like the others. She wanted to help, plain and simple. And I’d all but jumped down her throat. Not that it changed my stance any, but I knew I’d overreacted.
McKenna watched the traffic pass, looking deep in thought. ‘It’s okay. It wasn’t my place.’
I didn’t say anything further, I just laced her fingers between mine and squeezed her hand in the darkness. ‘You’re always thinking of others. I just want to see you take care of yourself with that money.’
She nodded. ‘I know. I will, I promise.’
‘And I think your first priority should be buying yourself a car. I don’t like you taking the city bus.’
She nodded again. ‘I know. I’ve thought about that, too.’
I released a deep exhale. Good. We were getting somewhere. I knew I shouldn’t have freaked out earlier and ruined the entire night. But she was still here and she was holding my hand, so maybe it wasn’t completely ruined.
‘I thought you’d say the first priority was me moving out of my place with Brian and getting my own apartment.’
Shaking my head, I glanced over at her. ‘No. Contrary to what you might think, I like you living with him, with someone there to protect you in case of a break-in. I wouldn’t want you moving out until you’re ready to move in with me.’
Glancing her way, I checked for her reaction. McKenna’s mouth dropped open and she stared blankly straight ahead. I might not have said the L-word yet, but judging by her reaction, that clued her in to how I felt. She wasn’t just some random hookup to me. But something told me McKenna needed to hear that in words, and not just through my actions.
I parked in front of her building and brought her hand to my lips, pressing a tender kiss there before releasing it.
Chapter Four (#uc16acadd-6fa1-5fea-8537-2820d88b6e6f)
McKenna
‘Do you want to come inside?’ I asked Knox as we sat in silence outside my apartment building. I might as well take advantage of the fact that Brian was out of town and I still had the apartment to myself. Plus, before our argument over money, Knox had said that tonight’s date was supposed to be just us, and I wasn’t ready for it to be over.
Wordlessly, Knox turned off the ignition and his dark gaze met mine, causing a warm shiver to rake across my skin. ‘Brian still gone?’
I nodded. He was thinking the same thing I was—that with Brian out of town, this was one of the rare times we’d have true privacy from the boys. Delicious anticipation raced through my veins.
Knox was out of the Jeep and opening my door within seconds, causing my lips to curl up in a grin. He was every bit as eager for this reunion as I was. We still hadn’t talked about the elephant in the room—our relationship—but I was trying to give him the time he needed. I’d told him I loved him, and weeks later he’d scrawled the same message to me on the frosty pane of his window. Hearing him say those words to me was what I craved, what I needed, but I was going to be patient with him. For now.
His arm curled protectively around my middle as we trekked up the two flights of stairs to my unit. Feeling his big, warm hand at my rib cage shouldn’t have caused such a thrill to course through me, but it did. I was addicted to his touch more than was even remotely normal. I’d lived twenty-one years without the touch of a man, and yet right from the beginning I’d been hungry for his. My time away had only made this need inside me more acute. And Knox’s thrumming pulse and barely there restraint told me he felt it, too.
My shaking hands fumbled to get the key in the lock, but once I did and the door pushed open, Knox towed me inside, slammed it closed behind us, and pressed my back against the door. The air whooshed from my lungs as my back hit the door and his solid body closed in on me. His eyes flashed on mine, dark and hungry, seconds before his eager mouth found mine.
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Кендалл Райан
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Эротические романы
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: From the author of FILTHY BEAUTIFUL LIES comes a hotly charged new erotica series – this is book 3 of 3. Perfect for fans of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.The final book in the WHEN I BREAK seriesKnox and McKenna’s relationship has reached a critical impasse. The mistakes and secrets of their pasts have caught up to them and threaten their future happiness. Can McKenna trust that Knox’s sexual addiction is behind him and make a life with this beautifully troubled man? And when Knox reveals the full truth about his past, will McKenna be able to put her own fears aside and accept him?With everything to lose, this scorching end to the trilogy pushes Knox and McKenna to the very limits – and beyond.