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Hero At Large
Robyn Amos


THE AGENT: Tall, dark and devastatingly handsome Keshon GrayTHE MISSION: To smoke out a deadly traitor–or die tryingTHE OBSTACLE: The sweet temptation of the only woman he'd ever loved!Keshon Gray had never regretted anything he'd had to do in the line of duty–until now. For entering the dangerous world of gang warfare led to a tempestuous reunion with Rennie Williams. Although he had to keep his identity secret, he just couldn't stay away from the virtuous beauty who reawakened his heart. But would their love survive a shocking turn of events that promised to change their lives…forever?a year of loving dangerouslyWhere passion rules and nothing is what it seems….









When a nefarious mastermind

threatens to destroy the top-secret SPEAR agency,

A YEAR OF LOVING DANGEROUSLY

unfolds….


Keshon Gray

Smoldering brown eyes, a disarming smile—an

utterly charming rogue.

He’s prepared to do anything to serve his country

and complete his mission. But his past and present

collide when a passionate reunion with the stunning

woman he’d loved—and lost—poses a serious

threat to his case…and his heart!

Rennie Williams

A raven-haired, mahogany-eyed beauty who yearns

hopelessly for one man.

Although she’d vowed to forget all about Gray, one

electrifying kiss is all it takes to irresistibly draw

her back into his life. But the man of her dreams is

acting mighty suspiciously….

Seth Greene

Enigmatic and fiercely driven, he is determined to

keep his partner in line.

Agent Greene knows all about regrets—

and derailed romances—but in the name of justice,

he isn’t about to allow Gray’s woman

to jeopardize their case!




Dear Reader,

Have you noticed our new look? Starting this month, Intimate Moments has a bigger, more mainstream design—hope you like it! And I hope you like this month’s books, too, starting with Maggie Shayne’s The Brands Who Came for Christmas. This emotional powerhouse of a tale launches Maggie’s new miniseries about the Brand sisters, THE OKLAHOMA ALL-GIRL BRANDS. I hope you love it as much as I do.

A YEAR OF LOVING DANGEROUSLY continues with Hero at Large, a suspenseful—and passionate—tale set on the mean streets of L.A. Robyn Amos brings a master’s touch to the romance of Keshon Gray and Rennie Williams. Doreen Owens Malek returns with a tale of suspense and secrets, Made for Each Other, and believe me…these two are! RITA Award winner Marie Ferrarella continues her popular CHILDFINDERS, INC. miniseries with Hero for Hire, and in January look for her CHILDFINDERS, INC. single title, An Uncommon Hero.

Complete the month with Maggie Price’s Dangerous Liaisons, told with her signature grittiness and sensuality, and Dad in Blue by Shelley Cooper, another of the newer authors we’re so proud to publish.

Then rejoin us next month as the excitement continues—right here in Intimate Moments.

Enjoy!






Leslie J. Wainger

Executive Senior Editor




Hero at Large

Robyn Amos





www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)










Dear Reader,

Hero at Large is my first Silhouette Intimate Moments novel. I was thrilled to be asked to participate in the A YEAR OF LOVING DANGEROUSLY series, because it gave me an opportunity to explore new territory in an area I love—romantic suspense. One of the new experiences I encountered through Rennie and Gray was the vibrant, trendy city of Los Angeles, California. Writing a story that takes place in L.A. was fun because the city nightlife is dramatically different from the nightlife of my own home city of Gaithersburg, Maryland. While writing this story, I also enjoyed tunneling into the dark, shadowed life of an undercover government agent and rediscovering how the power of love can heal even the worst betrayals. These new elements were fun for me to explore, but there was one aspect of Hero at Large that was very familiar to me. Writing about a heroine who makes her living as a psychologist came naturally because I was once on the road to becoming one myself. After graduating from college with a degree in psychology, I decided that writing about the suspenseful and romantic lives of the people in my imagination was more fulfilling than writing research papers. I hope you enjoy Hero at Large.

Sincerely,









Contents


Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15




Prologue


Regrets were a waste of time. Keshon Gray had lived as a criminal long enough to know that much.

Stepping onto the rooftop, he took a pack of cigarettes out of his breast pocket. Gray only had a minute or two before he had to go back to the pretense of being a bouncer for L.A.’s trendy nightspot Ocean. But this time, as he struck a match and held it to the end of his cigarette, a strange sensation washed over him.

Before his break he’d helped move a shipment of cocaine, but that wasn’t what was pushing against the edges of his conscience. Nor was it the crates of semiautomatic Street Sweeper shotguns stacked in the storeroom beside the paper cups. He released a short puff, and as he watched the blue smoke curl and blend with the cool November air, it hit him.

Once he’d hated cigarettes…and smoking. At the back of his mind lived the memory of a time when he’d sworn the habit would never touch him.

Gray’s first toke on a cigarette had been to prove himself to his boys. And even after he’d long outgrown that need, the habit remained, like sooty residue in the wake of a fire.

Each guise he’d taken on over the years—and there had been many—left a new layer of grime clinging to his soul. But he had no more choice now than he’d had thirteen years ago.

He may not have chosen the right path in life, but he’d done it for survival—not his own, someone else’s. He’d made up his mind to do whatever he had to, but he hadn’t been quick enough or strong enough then, and someone he’d loved like a brother had died.

Suddenly Gray’s throat constricted and he felt as if he was choking. His cough was rough as he struggled to clear his throat, his eyes watering with the effort.

Even now, he couldn’t think of that episode in his life with the numbing cool he was able to apply to everything else. For that reason, Gray had never failed again—at anything. He approached each new challenge as though someone’s life depended upon his success—and more often than not, it did.

Since he’d returned to L.A., he’d reconnected with the remains of the gang he had belonged to. Those who weren’t dead or in prison had been floundering on the edges of the L.A. drug trade and getting nowhere fast.

He herded them off street corners where they’d been hustling, and yanked them out of basements where they wasted their days getting high. It was time for them to move from petty street dealing into the big time. Making real money in this business required contacts, which he’d been cultivating carefully. Add a little weapons brokering into the mix, and they had an organized operation with the flashy L.A. club scene as the perfect cover.

The secret agency Gray worked for, SPEAR (Stealth, Perseverance, Endeavor, Attack and Rescue) was on the trail of a traitor—not a small problem since most government organizations didn’t even know that SPEAR existed. Those that did know of SPEAR recognized them as a group of the most elite, well-trained operatives in the world. A fact that made this turncoat’s threat to the agency all the more menacing.

He was willing to do whatever he had to do to bring down the enemy, but the fact was, he’d been hiding in shadows for so long, he no longer knew what he looked like in the light.

Gray stared at the cigarette burning between his fingers. Reflexively, he spread his index and middle finger and watched the cigarette fall over the edge of the roof and into the darkness below.

The time for mourning lost opportunities had passed. He’d made his choices and now he had to play them out. It didn’t matter that he’d never based those choices on his own needs. Trying to find the man he’d lost so many years ago was pointless. In fact, that man had never existed. Gray had only been sixteen when his identity had begun to slip away.

He took a step back, straightening the collar on his black blazer, which he wore over jeans and a T-shirt, both black. His break was over. And so was the bittersweet glimpse of his past.

As Gray hurried down the stairs, he couldn’t know that after nine years, he was about to look into the eyes of the only person who had ever known the real Keshon Gray.




Chapter 1


Even small victories deserved to be celebrated. Rennie Williams had been a psychologist long enough to appreciate that fact.

She smiled across the table at her two best friends. Their busy schedules had prevented them from having a girls’ night out for quite a while, and now they were making up for lost time.

“We have a lot to celebrate tonight.” As she reached for her margarita, Rennie’s gaze shifted to the first person she’d met when she moved back to L.A.—a corporate attorney she’d picked out of the phone book to help her sort through the legal details of setting up a private practice. “To Marlena, the only woman to be made a partner at Loudon, Crosby and Wade.”

Then Rennie turned to the second woman at the table, a nurse at the Family Planning Clinic, which was located in the L.A. Help Center on the same floor as Rennie’s office. “To Alise, after two years with a man who didn’t deserve you, you’re finally free. And to me, for making it through my first year on my own as a counselor for women.”

The women started to raise their glasses in salute, but Rennie held them off. “I’m almost done. To feminine energy, wisdom and strength,” Rennie said, finishing her toast. “We’ve proven we can do anything.”

Marlena and Alise cheered, clinking their glasses against hers.

The past year hadn’t been easy for Rennie, but that only made her small successes more meaningful. Tonight one of her clients, Sarita Juarez, was making her singing debut in Ocean nightclub’s Sand Castle Lounge, which featured salsa music. It was the perfect opportunity for Rennie to have a well-deserved good time with her friends and to show support for the client Rennie had struggled hardest to reach over the last few months.

When Rennie’s mind drifted back from her reverie, she noticed that Alise and Marlena were having a spirited discussion on their favorite topic—men.

Marlena shot Rennie one of her world-famous probing looks. “You’re the shrink, Ren. Why are women so attracted to bad boys?”

Caught off guard, Rennie looked from one woman to the other. “How did you two get onto this topic?”

Alise grinned. “Marlena has a theory that certain types of men are like irresistible poison. She thinks if we compare notes, we can come up with an antidote.”

“Yeah. There must be some psychological concept to back my theory, right, Rennie?”

She took a long sip from her drink, enjoying the tangy lime taste. “I’m off the clock, guys. You’re on your own.” The spicy salsa tempo was working its way down her spine. She was having too much fun to get into a heavy discussion about men.

Marlena threw a twenty on the table. “There. That should cover fifteen minutes of your time. Go,” she ordered, snapping her fingers.

Laughing, Rennie threw the money at her friend. Marlena was the type who expected to get her way and it was useless to fight it. “Fine. It’s really not that complicated. A woman has an inherent need to tame the wild beast. We’re attracted to bad boys because they’re sexy and dangerous, and we secretly believe that we can change them.”

“Yeah, but we all know that’s a crock of—”

“Marlena.” Alise cut her off. “Don’t try to pretend you’ve never gotten taken in by a bad boy. What about Troy Hopkins in college?”

The smug lawyer blushed. “I was young. I didn’t know better, and besides, it’s hard to resist a guy who looks that good in a pair of jeans.”

Alise giggled. “Apparently, half the girls on campus felt the same way. He had so many girlfriends Marlena had to book her dates three weeks in advance.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough about me,” Marlena said, draining her glass.

“Well, everybody already knows my story.” Alise rolled the edge of her cocktail napkin between two fingers. “I’m lucky I finally got rid of Ron before he spent what was left of my 401K. What about you, Rennie? Have you ever dated a bad boy?”

“No,” she answered without thinking as she scanned the dance floor.

There hadn’t been many men in her life. The few she’d dated in college were bookish introverts who’d had no problem keeping her company in the library on Saturday nights. Getting a scholarship to college had been an opportunity she’d had no intention of wasting.

Rennie had stayed out of the social scene, partially out of self-preservation and partially because she’d been too numb inside to allow herself any fun.

“You’ve never dated a bad boy? Not even in high school?” Alise asked. “No guys who drove too fast or smoked under the bleachers?”

“Uh…well, maybe one. But everyone just thought he was a bad boy. He really wasn’t.” Rennie stiffened. At least, she hadn’t thought so at the time.

“I see. It’s the old ‘he’s just misunderstood’ routine,” Marlena said. “Okay, I’ll bite. Why did everyone think he was a bad boy?”

Rennie bit her lip. “Because he was in a gang.” She felt her face heat, knowing how incriminating her words sounded. Alise and Marlena had grown up in normal suburban households. She couldn’t expect them to understand how complicated circumstances had been then.

“Whoa.” Alise’s eyes went wide.

“A gang?” Marlena looked intrigued. “As in Crips and Bloods? That type of a gang?”

Rennie shifted uncomfortably in the booth. “Sort of, but it was a much smaller local gang.” Why had she opened her big mouth?

Marlena grinned wickedly, clearly enjoying herself. That meant she was getting ready to grill Rennie over an open flame. “So, Ren, how did your guy look in a pair of jeans?”

Rennie was surprised that she still felt a gnawing ache in her heart when she allowed herself to think about Gray. So many regrets. So many what ifs. But despite the sting, her body still remembered him with heat that could burn white-hot.

“He was really good-looking,” Rennie said, wishing she hadn’t allowed herself to become the center of attention. “He was light-skinned with a body like a Chippendale’s dancer. Need I say more?” Her description didn’t do him justice, but it was enough to satisfy her friends.

Alise pushed her daiquiri, half full, to the side so she could lean closer to Rennie. “What was he like?”

“He was sweet. Gray looked out for me. He made sure no one bothered me, and—”

“Gray?” Marlena’s brow wrinkled. “Is that his real name?”

Rennie shrugged. “His first name is Keshon, but his mother named him after an uncle who was, as he liked to say, a few ants short of a picnic. Everybody’s always called him Gray.”

“So give us the dirt, girl.” Marlena was through warming up. She was ready to get tough. “So far you’re making him sound like a Boy Scout, but a guy who ran with a gang can’t be a complete angel.”

“I’m not saying he was, but it’s not what you think. The only reason he joined was to look out for my older brother.”

“Your brother was in a gang?” Lines of confusion creased Alise’s forehead. “I didn’t even know you had a brother. You never mention him.”

“He was killed when I was fourteen.” Rennie drained the rest of her margarita without tasting a drop of it. Suddenly, she felt exposed. That was a time in her life she didn’t want to revisit.

Her friends made sympathetic coos before falling into silence. Rennie banged on the table. “Hey, what’s with the long faces? I didn’t mean to bring everybody down. We came out tonight to have fun.”

Alise still looked a bit stunned, but Marlena immediately picked up on Rennie’s plea to change the subject. She signaled for the waitress.

“When is your girl Sarita performing, Ren? I’m in the mood to kick up my heels.” Marlena wriggled her shoulders to the music.

Rennie looked at her watch. “She should be taking the stage any minute now.” Sure enough, a few minutes later, the lights dimmed and Sarita was introduced.

The curtain parted, revealing a bandstand in front of a giant sand castle. Red and yellow spotlights swirled, and Sarita ran on stage wearing a short dress in a stunning electric blue. The lights went up, and she began to sing a swinging salsa number. The infectious tempo of the conga drums had Rennie and her friends dancing in their seats. It wasn’t long before Marlena stood, grabbed a guy lounging at the bar and began spinning around the dance floor.

Sarita sang four more songs before the lights dimmed on stage and she disappeared behind the curtain.

Marlena returned to the table, dabbing her forehead gently with a cocktail napkin. “That was fun. Why didn’t you guys come out?”

Alise laughed. “We didn’t feel like being up-staged. Where did you learn those fancy dance steps?”

“My ex-boyfriend taught me to salsa. He was a really boring date until you got him on the dance floor. Too bad he never learned to move his hips like that off the dance floor.” The three women shared another round of raucous laughter.

Rennie nudged Alise so she could slide out of the booth. “I’m going to try to catch up with Sarita backstage. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”



Gray entered the storage room behind Ocean’s Sand Castle Lounge, where Flex and Los were stacking crates. Despite the years they’d spent apart, Gray knew the guys working with him would take a bullet for him just as quickly now as they would have at sixteen when they’d been running the streets together.

There were five of them left, including Gray, and nothing bonded a group of men together more than knowing each one would die for the other. That’s what being in a gang meant. It was family—bound together by choice rather than genetic obligation. It meant never being alone or on your own.

That simple truth should have made things easier for Gray, but a lot of the time it only made what he had to do more difficult.

“Hey, G.” Los passed with a loaded hand truck, humming the theme song to “The Jeffersons.”

“Hey. I tried to break away in time to help you guys unload the truck, but I got tied up working the door.” Gray walked over to the closest shipment. “Kalashnikovs?”

“Yep, sixty crates,” Flex answered, stacking the last one.

Gray rubbed his hands together. “Let’s have a look.”

Los handed him a crowbar, and Gray brushed away the packing material to inspect the gun.

Flex leaned forward, issuing a low whistle. “Man, that is tight. When you gonna hook me up with one of those?”

Gray’s laugh had an icy edge. “We don’t deal on the front lines anymore. Don’t think street thug, think businessman. Trust me, if you find yourself in need of this kind of hardware on the regular, you’re doing something wrong.”

“Yeah.” Los smacked Flex in the back of the head.

Flex shrugged. “Hell, I just thought I might, you know, start a collection or something.”

Gray opened a few more crates and did a quick count to make sure all the guns were accounted for. The client for this particular shipment wasn’t one of the heavy hitters, but Gray had built a reputation for providing reliable service, and these small-time deals were starting to lead them to the big ones.

The biggest problem Gray had faced in the last few months was convincing his boys to look at the big picture. When he’d rolled into town, they were still committing petty crimes with quick payoffs they could blow through in less than a day. Most of them didn’t have the patience for the kind of jobs that would bring in real money.

Their world hadn’t changed much while he’d been gone. Success was still measured more by what you owned than by how you lived. In the neighborhood they had all grown up in, the trick had been to live hard and collect as many toys as possible because no one expected to live long.

Life had a different value on their side of town. A good pair of athletic shoes was worth more than a kid’s life. For teenagers, even light conversation was heavy. Instead of talking about which couples were hooking up or breaking up, they talked about who’d been shot lately. Instead of fantasizing about the kinds of jobs they would get or the houses they would buy, they picked out the music for their funerals and the types of caskets they wanted.

How, Gray wondered, was anyone supposed to have hope for the future? For them, a better life just didn’t exist.

This was it. The only way out of the ghetto was drugs and guns. So why not do it right? No more petty thieving. No more quick payoffs. Why not hold out for the big score? They knew how to get the money, but it took a lot of planning and patience.

The transition from street thug to businessman had been easiest for Los, who looked more like a fashion model than a common thug, anyway. He was willing to do anything that would bring in enough loot to keep him in designer clothes, trendy cars and materialistic women.

Franco, Los’s younger brother, who was tending bar in the VIP lounge, wasn’t much of a problem, either. He did whatever his older brother told him to do, but Woody and Flex were another matter.

Woody had gotten his leg shot off in a drive-by when he was eighteen. Even though his prosthesis wasn’t really made of wood, no one could resist the nickname. He hadn’t been too keen on the idea of checking ID and collecting cover charges at the door. He and Flex still didn’t understand why they had to do real work at the club in addition to their private endeavors. But their positions at Ocean were crucial to the operation.

As long as they got their work done and made regular contributions, Ocean’s manager, Paul Nocchio, didn’t care what other business the men conducted on the side. It hadn’t taken Gray long to make connections with local arms dealers and begin to funnel business through the club. With just a few deals, he’d been able to start swimming with the big fish.

Now he planned to catch himself a shark.



Sarita leaned over and gave Rennie a hug. “Thank you so much for coming, chica.”

Rennie squeezed her in return. “Thanks for the invitation. We’re having a great time. Are you doing another set tonight?”

Sarita nodded. “One more at ten-thirty. Then I’m going home to get some sleep. I was so keyed up about this performance that I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

“Then I’ll let you get ready,” Rennie said, backing toward the door. “I’ll see you at our group session tomorrow evening?”

“You bet.” Sarita walked her to the door. “Do you know how to get out? This place can be confusing, and all the doors backstage look the same. Make sure you leave through the second door. Otherwise, you’ll end up in the storage room.”

Rennie stepped into the hallway, feeling a rush of pride for Sarita. She’d come such a long way in just nine months. When Rennie met her, Sarita had been dancing in a run-down strip bar trying to pay for her sister’s hospital bills after the younger girl had her face slashed by an all-girl gang. It had taken Rennie months to get Sarita to trust her.

Now Sarita was going to nursing school, working part-time at the hospital, and she’d even met someone special. Her new boyfriend, who worked as a bouncer at Ocean, had helped Sarita get this singing gig. Rennie smiled. She was really beginning to feel like she’d made a difference in the young woman’s life.

Rennie was so caught up in her thoughts, she forgot Sarita’s instructions. Not sure which of the identical doors led to the club, Rennie exited through the first one she came to.

“Oops,” she exclaimed as three men immediately whirled around. “Sorry, I think I’m lost—”

Somewhere in her subconscious, Rennie knew her mouth had stopped forming words and her lower lip was hanging lamely, but she was powerless to do anything about it.

Rennie had been hit by a wave of recognition so strong, it forced her backward several steps. Blinking rapidly, she tried to pull herself together, struggling to catch her breath. Had that one margarita given her hallucinations? It just couldn’t be….

“Gray? Is that you?” she whispered.




Chapter 2


“Rennie…” In the split second it took for Gray to register her presence, several emotions jolted through him like bolts of lightning.

Some of the sensations he was feeling were reflected in her eyes, like the surprise and excitement, the regret…and especially the pain. The sight of her brought an immediate and stabbing ache ten times more intense than what he’d felt each time he’d thought of her over the years.

But one emotion was entirely his own, and it took precedence over all the others. That emotion was raw, undiluted fear.

It kept him rooted to the spot, staring and shaking his head, until someone cleared a throat behind them, launching him into action. He pulled her to him in a brief embrace, and in one motion spun her around to face the door. Taking her elbow, he led her to the corridor. “Now that you know what’s behind door number one, let’s try door number two.”

They were both silent as he guided her to the main room of the club. To avoid losing her in the crowd, he took her hand and pulled her toward a roped-off staircase. “The VIP section of the club is upstairs. It’s much less crowded there.”

Gray didn’t just want to get her to a quiet corner where they could talk, he wanted to get her as far away from the gun shipment as possible. It made him crazy to think about how close she’d come to seeing something she shouldn’t have back there.

He still didn’t know how to process her sudden appearance. When he’d come back to L.A., he hadn’t believed for a second that he might run into Rennie. When she left him to go to college in Texas, he’d been certain she wasn’t coming back.

This was the last place he would have chosen for their reunion.

Gray led her to the bar, releasing her hand, which had been trembling in his. Clearly, she was as nervous at this unexpected meeting as he was. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Just water.”

While he gave her order to Franco, in the mirror he saw her run a self-conscious hand over the back of her hair.

Rennie had nothing to worry about. She looked perfect. As a teenager, she’d been pretty, with lots of potential. As an adult, she was heart-stopping. Especially in that short, clingy little dress she was wearing.

After he handed her the glass, Gray motioned her to a quiet corner table. Once she was seated across from him, she gulped her water, as if to avoid being the first to speak.

He smiled at her, trying to put her at ease. “It’s good to see you.”

She nodded. “Yes, it is. I mean it’s good for me to see you. That is, good to see you, too.”

He couldn’t help laughing out loud. “Yes, I knew what you meant.”

“This is so strange. I was just talking about you to a couple of my girlfriends.”

“Did you come with them tonight?” It hadn’t occurred to him until that moment that she might have come with a date. His eyes darted to her left hand. No wedding band.

“Yes, I did. We’re having a sort of…girls’ night out…thing.”

Gray felt a smile curling his lips again. He’d never seen her this frazzled before. He made another attempt to get her to lighten up. “Are you sure that water isn’t going to your head? Maybe I should have the bartender cut you off for the night. Or maybe you need something stronger. Relax,” he said, touching the back of her hand.

She pulled back as though he’d burned her, then tried to cover her reaction by grabbing her water glass and draining it as if it were a fifth of Scotch. “I know you must think I’m wound too tight, but I wasn’t prepared to see you here. It’s kind of spooky, really. Because, like I said, I was just talking about you. It’s as if you walked right out of my thoughts.”

“You were just talking about me, huh? What did you say?”

She shrugged and then began looking around as though she couldn’t get enough of the blue velvet upholstery, marble floors or scenic ocean tapestries. Clearly she wanted to change the subject.

He opened his mouth to ask her if she’d moved to the city or was just visiting when she turned to him.

“So, how was prison? I mean, how have you been?”

Gray flinched before he could stop himself. He didn’t know who had told her, and it really didn’t matter. The bottom line was that…she knew.

“I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. I don’t know why I blurted that out like that.”

He felt his whole body go cold, and he welcomed the numbness that came with it. Gray raised his gaze to hers. Neither her stunned expression nor the hint of a blush on her mahogany cheeks fazed him. Sure, she hadn’t meant to be so blunt, but he knew exactly what she saw when she looked at him—an overgrown thug and an ex-convict.

The fact that he’d been to prison must have been on her mind the entire time. For all he knew, she’d been acting so rattled out of fear instead of nerves.

His mind replayed the image of her flinching when he’d touched her.

“Don’t apologize. I know why you said it. You want me to tell you it isn’t true, right?”

She seemed to be holding her breath. “Is it?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, sweetheart. It’s true.”

Rennie chewed on her lower lip. “What happened?”

He laughed. “Well, it was a weapons charge. You see, the police found two hundred Russian assault rifles in my possession, and they just wouldn’t accept ‘I’m a collector’ for an explanation.” He ended with a sarcastic chuckle.

“I don’t think it’s funny.”

“Really, you don’t? Gee, that’s odd, because I thought getting arrested was funny. And getting convicted—that was hilarious. And I thought I would die laughing when they sent me to—”

“That’s enough. You don’t have to make fun of me.”

Gray knew he was being cruel, but he couldn’t stop himself. It surprised him how much resentment he felt toward her at that moment.

Of all the clubs in L.A., why did she have to pick this one? If she’d stayed in Texas, she might never have known if he were dead or alive, but that would still be better than returning to find her worst fears confirmed.

Gray could see her disappointment. Before she left she’d told him how much she believed in him. She was getting out of the inner city, and she’d been certain that he would, too. Instead, she found just the opposite. If she stuck around long enough, she’d discover he’d given an old adage new meaning—if you can’t beat ’em, take over.

“I guess a lot has happened since the last time we saw each other,” she said.

Gray expelled a harsh laugh. “You can say that again.”

Rennie stared at her hands. They were trembling slightly.

Instantly, he felt terrible for upsetting her. None of this was her fault. He couldn’t say anything to change her mind about him. Lying to her was surprisingly easy, but it was killing him that he had to.

He forced himself to get a grip on his temper, taking a moment to study her. Her hair was short now. She’d traded in the ponytails and French braids he remembered for a slick, trendy cut that flattered her gamine features.

“You look beautiful…and successful,” he said, noticing the diamond studs sparkling in her ears. He was glad she’d moved up in the world, but part of him still wished she hadn’t had to leave him to do it. “What have you been doing with yourself?”

“I’m a psychologist.”

“Perfect. I bet you have your own office where the rich and pampered of Beverly Hills make weekly appointments to whine about their overindulgent mothers and their cold, stern fathers.” Despite his best effort, he couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice. Things were going from bad to worse.

Rennie’s lips twisted at his mockery. “Well, you’re right about one thing. Only one thing. I do have my own practice. But it’s in downtown L.A., not Beverly Hills. I work at the Help Center. I counsel women who have been battered or abused.”

Gray opened his mouth to respond, but Rennie cut him off. “So what about you? You’re what? A bouncer here?” Her tone was imperious.

“That’s right. You know there aren’t a whole lot of options for an ex-con.”

Rennie stood from the table. “My friends are probably worried by now. I’d better get back to them. Uh, it was…nice seeing you again.”

“No, it wasn’t.” He stood, too. “Not as nice as it should have been. But, like you said, a lot has happened since we last saw each other, Rainbow,” he said, using his old nickname for her.

He could tell he’d caught her off guard. The change in her demeanor was immediate. The line of her lips softened, and her eyes became dewy.

In that split second, they were transported back to a time where only the two of them existed. Before she had a chance to recover, he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers. He needed to be close to her for just a moment. He had to have a memory to carry with him.

“You take care of yourself,” he said, pulling back.

She nodded and bolted down the stairs and, most likely, out of his life.



After Rennie left, Gray stayed behind trying to make some sense out of what had just happened.

Franco walked over and sat down across from him. “Hey, G, what’s up with TK? You cutting him in?”

Gray looked up slowly. He hadn’t been expecting to hear that name for a while. “What do you mean? He’s in prison.”

“Not any more.” Franco grinned. “Los says a key witness just…disappeared.” He snapped his fingers to demonstrate. “They had to let him out.”

Gray felt his lips tighten. Once upon a time, TK had been their gang leader. “Where have you seen him?”

Franco shrugged. “He’s come around a few times. I thought he would have caught up to you by now.”

“Is he looking for me?” It was clear that TK had been avoiding him. That could only mean trouble.

Franco sobered, finally realizing that Gray wasn’t as thrilled with the news as he’d expected. “I don’t know, but he knows we’re all working here with you. So, you gonna cut him a piece of the action, or not?”

“We’ll see. If you run into him again, tell him I want to talk to him.”

Franco nodded. “I’m going on my break. Later.”

After Franco left, Gray swore under his breath. It wasn’t hard to imagine what was going through TK’s mind right now. He’d always had grandiose dreams about the money and power they were all going to have, but he’d never been able to make it happen. He was sloppy and he’d kept getting caught. Once TK had started going in and out of prison, the gang had fallen apart. Now it seemed Gray had stepped into his shoes and taken over his dreams—and he was succeeding.

Gray knew TK wouldn’t appreciate having to be cut in on his old territory. When Gray came back to L.A., he’d heard TK was up on murder charges, tied up in a trial that should have dragged on for months. Gray hadn’t expected to have to deal with TK at all.

Back in the day, Gray and TK had never agreed on anything. If TK did want a piece of their operation, it wouldn’t be long before he tried to run things again. Gray couldn’t let that happen. There were too many other forces at work here.

Still, he couldn’t quite leave TK out in the cold. His men wouldn’t understand. It didn’t even matter that their old gang no longer existed in its original form. They would always be bound together by the old codes and traditions.

Dealing with TK was going to be tricky. Now that he was out of prison, he’d expect things to go back to the way they were when they were all banging. It would be useless to try to convince him that those days were over.

After all, everyone knew that the only way out of a gang was to die out.




Chapter 3


Gray awoke the next morning to the persistent ringing of his doorbell. Cursing as he dragged on his jeans, he hopped to the door and shouted, “Who is it?”

“Overnight Express.”

Gray rolled his eyes and jerked the door open.

On the surface, nothing seemed out of the ordinary about the dark-haired package carrier dressed in the standard polo-shirt-and-shorts uniform. The man narrowed his green eyes, squinting at the envelope in his hand. “I’ve got a delivery here for Kee…Keesh—”

Gray snatched the envelope out of his hands. “Shut up and get in here.” Glaring at his partner and longtime friend Seth Greene, he tugged on the thread unsealing the letter. “I don’t suppose you could have waited until a decent hour?”

Seth made himself at home on Gray’s sofa, propping his feet on the coffee table. “Ten o’clock is a decent hour for most people.”

“Maybe, but you know I had to work at the club until three last night.”

“Anything interesting happen?” Seth rested a throw pillow behind his head.

Gray dropped the envelope without looking at the contents, shoving Seth’s feet down from the coffee table. Oh, yeah, something very interesting happened. Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with his assignment.

There was no point in telling Seth about Rennie, though she’d been on his mind constantly since he’d laid eyes on her last night. It didn’t matter, because he wouldn’t be seeing her again.

“Actually, there is something that you should probably check into. TK, the guy who ran the gang I used to hang with, has turned up. I haven’t seen him myself, but it’s only a matter of time.”

“What’s his story?” Seth propped his feet back on the table. “He heard you were back in town and wants in on the action?”

Gray shook his head. “I’m not sure yet what he wants. But it’s a safe bet that he’s not going to like the fact that I’m sort of in control now.”

“So you think he’s going to make trouble? Maybe even try to take over,” Seth concluded.

“No doubt.” Gray propped himself on the arm of the sofa.

“I’ll see what I can get on him.”

“That shouldn’t be too difficult. He was just up on murder charges. I don’t know the details, but the witness has apparently disappeared. It’s a safe bet that you’ll find TK behind it.”

“Got it. In the meantime—” Seth picked up the envelope he’d brought Gray “—here’s the list of names you need. These are all the major players. Seems things are going well. Your name is spinning in all the right circles. The word on the street is that you’re the man to see if you want to get into the drugs and weapons game in L.A.”

“Gee, wouldn’t Mom be proud.”

Seth scowled at him. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing.” Gray took the paperwork and shoved Seth’s feet off the table one final time. “I’ll look over these names just as soon as you leave.”

Seth stood and Gray followed him to the door. “Who are you kidding, Gray? You’re not getting ready to get to work on anything but a mattress and a pillow.”

Gray clapped Seth on the back, partially as a friendly gesture of farewell and partially to urge him to the door faster. “Where in the secret spy handbook does it say that a good agent is sleep deprived?”

Seth grinned. “Right under the paragraph where it says all uniforms worn in the line of duty will be itchy and at least one size too small.” He tugged irritably at his collar.

After Seth left, Gray considered going back to sleep, but he was entirely too restless to relax. He went into his bedroom and spread the contents of the envelope across his desk. There were pictures and bios of all the major drug lords in L.A. Several of them, Gray had already had dealings with.

Eventually, the connections Gray was making would lead him to SPEAR’s nemesis. They’d been tracking him for some time and were making slow but steady progress. They knew the traitor was going by the name Simon. Other agents had connected him to both the Brotherhood of Blood, a hate group in Idaho, and to terrorists in the Middle East. Most recently, a SPEAR operative encountered Simon in the flesh, giving them a face to go with the name.

Gray’s mission wasn’t simple, but he hoped to dispose of Simon once and for all. He couldn’t let Jonah down.

Jonah was the head of SPEAR and had been for as long as anyone could remember. Only no one had ever gotten the chance to look Jonah in the eye. To most SPEAR agents, he was a voice and a reputation.

But when he gave orders, no one dared question them.

Now that Gray had made a name for himself in the L.A. drug trade, it wouldn’t be long before Simon came to him.

Gray pulled out his laptop and connected it to a secured cable modem. He logged onto the SPEAR ISP, intending to send e-mail inquiries regarding his new contact list. Instead he found himself typing the name Rennie Williams into an encrypted search engine. In all the years he’d been an agent, he’d always managed to resist the urge to check into Rennie’s whereabouts. He’d squashed that compulsion by reminding himself that he was better off not knowing any details.

But now that he’d seen her face to face and looked into those soft brown eyes, he had to know the full story. She was a psychologist. That didn’t surprise him. She’d always had a huge heart and a deep concern for others.

In less than ten seconds, Gray had a full-page printout on Rennie. He stared at the sheet of paper, then crumpled it up and threw it in the wastebasket.

What was he doing? He couldn’t see her again. Especially not now. In her mind he was a criminal. A former gang member who had lived up to all of society’s expectations for him. He’d moved from a life of street violence to the ever-popular country club of crime, the state penitentiary.

She had no idea that her leaving him was probably the only thing that saved him from that inevitable reality. Rennie couldn’t know that she’d inspired him to escape, as well, to flee their destitute neighborhood of hopelessness and poverty just the way she had.

When Rennie left for school, he’d been bitter. Hadn’t she trusted him? Hadn’t she believed him when he’d promised to find a way out for both of them? Gray had asked himself those questions time and again. But the feelings of hurt and anger hadn’t lasted. Once they’d faded, Gray had been left with an almost desperate desire to prove that he could get out, too.

Soon after Rennie left, Gray’s mother had been taken by the cancer that had been eating away at her life and spirit for almost a decade. He had no more ties in the neighborhood. He no longer had an excuse for staying with the gang. After a couple of months of aimless wandering, he joined the United States Marines.

That move changed his life forever. He’d shown a natural talent for most things he’d tried. And it wasn’t long before his intelligence and skills had gotten him noticed by an exclusive, invisible government agency, SPEAR. He passed their rigorous testing process and was recruited.

He was a secret agent with boyhood images of fighting terrorists and busting up political conspiracies. Only Gray’s first assignment had sent him right back to the streets of south central L.A.

He jumped right into the middle of an illegal arms dealing operation, got the authorities all the information they needed and then was publicly arrested right along with the others. He spent two weeks in jail to solidify his cover and then was shipped off to his next assignment.

But those two weeks in jail changed him like no other life experience could. The world he became privy to in that short time made him all the more determined to keep fighting what seemed to be a never-ending war against crime. It chilled him to his soul, because if it weren’t for the grace of God, he might have filled those shoes in reality. The fact that he was inside for the good guys made that truth all the more poignant.

Growing up, he’d heard all the speeches from the ministers and do-gooders in the community. They especially loved the sound bite that black men in the inner city were an endangered species. In danger of succumbing to gangs, crime, violence, prison and ultimately death because society didn’t have enough good role models for the urban black male.

That line never meant much to Gray until he went to prison, but then he got a close look at what society had discarded. Men who’d never had any hope or belief that they could be anything more than what they were. And in just two weeks’ time, even though he was in jail under pretense, he began to get sucked into that world of hopelessness. He’d felt the black hand of despair reaching out to him. It had had him by the collar and would have had him by the throat if he hadn’t been transferred so quickly.

Even though his next assignment had him drinking champagne at political dinners as an African diplomat trying to smooth over a potential international incident, he never forgot what it felt like to be in prison. It was a lesson he used daily to remind himself that there was no room in his life for screwups.



When Rennie left L.A. nine years ago, the chances of her returning permanently had been slim at best. But after receiving her Ph.D. in psychology, Rennie surprised herself by turning down a teaching position at the University of Texas for an opportunity to set up her own practice. And it just happened to be six blocks from her old neighborhood.

The Los Angeles Help Center was a three-story apartment building that had been turned over to the community. Inside were offices offering a variety of social services, including family planning, addiction and crisis counseling and Rennie’s women’s counseling practice. The Help Center attracted some difficult clients, but during the past year, she’d found the work truly rewarding.

Rennie sank further into her wing chair as Sarita and the other women in her counseling session argued. The clock on the far wall read twenty past four. She should have broken up this heated disagreement a long time ago, but she’d been a bit distracted today.

“I don’t care what you say,” Sarita said. “Farah is not breaking up with Will. She’s just taking time to figure out what she wants.”

Jackie crossed her heavy arms over her substantial bosom. “Will is history. Get used to it. Now that Farah knows her daughter Lily is having Will’s baby, there’s no way she’s going to take him back.” Even under the best circumstances, Jackie didn’t have a forgiving nature. This was probably the reason men feared her.

“Well, I think it’s about time she got rid of that bum,” Moni said. “Everyone can see that Brock is in love with Farah. Once he recovers from his liver transplant, he’s going to tell her how he feels.” Moni had always believed that love conquered all, which explained why she focused her energy on keeping a man instead of keeping a job.

“Good luck,” Carla said, ever the pessimist. “I’ll bet you an entire case of snack cakes that Brock is dead before the end of the week.”

“Okay, okay.” Rennie held up two fingers. “That’s enough commentary on ‘To Love and to Cherish.’ Doesn’t anyone have any real issues to discuss today?”

Rennie let her gaze rest on each of the four women in turn. Silence. “What about you, Carla? What’s on your mind?”

Instead of harping on her good-for-nothing husband, as expected, the petite blonde looked at the soda can in her hand. “If you want to know the truth, I really wish you’d keep more diet soda in the refrigerator. This is the second week in a row that I’ve had to drink regular.”

Rennie resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Carla, I’ve told you before that you’re free to bring whatever you want to keep in the fridge. I could go broke trying to cater to everyone’s snacking preferences. That said, I think there’s one more diet cola hidden in the vegetable crisper.”

Carla let out a joyful squeal and headed to the kitchenette.

“What about you, Jackie?” Rennie asked.

“Hey, yeah. Carla, bring me an orange, will ya?”

Rennie sighed. Normally she loved the apartment-style setup of her office. The comfortable sofas and overstuffed chairs usually helped her clients feel more relaxed. But there were times when the unconventional surroundings worked against her.

In the beginning, Rennie had met with each woman individually, trying to work through the worst of their problems. Once their lives began to turn around, she brought them together, hoping the women could benefit from a support system of their peers.

The group had been meeting twice a week for a little over a month, and it had been working quite well. Much of the time, Rennie could guide the discussion and then allow the other women to offer guidance and support to whoever was having a problem at the moment. As an added bonus, the women were becoming real friends. Most days, this was a good thing.

But, on days like today, it could be a problem. Combine their chatty mood with the cozy living room setup, and trying to get any genuine feedback this late on a Friday was nearly impossible. Under normal circumstances, Rennie knew just how to keep the women on track, but right now even she was having trouble focusing.

No matter where her thoughts traveled, they always came fluttering back to Gray. She wanted to kick herself every time she remembered the disastrous conversation she’d had with him—

Rennie’s head jerked up as a pair of fingers snapped in front of her face. Sarita backed up and sank into her recliner. “Welcome back, Rennie. Did you have a good trip?”

Heat suffused her cheeks as Rennie realized she’d been caught daydreaming. She tried to play it off. “So, have you all decided what you’d like to discuss today?”

Moni nodded. “Yeah, I’d like to know what’s up with you. First of all, you never let us get away with chitchat for more than fifteen minutes. Today you let us talk for almost half an hour.”

“Plus,” Jackie added. “You’ve been staring off into space all day. What’s on your mind?”

“It’s got to be a man,” Carla said. “When a woman has problems, it’s always a man.” She was the only married member of the group, and ironically the only one who didn’t want to be.

Rennie shook her head. “This is not about me. We’re supposed to be talking about the issues that the four of you are dealing with.”

Sarita grinned. “Well, Miss Thang, thanks to you, all of us are doing just fine right now. Looks like you’re the one with a lot of junk on your mind. Are you too good to let us psychoanalyze you for a change?”

“Yeah.” Carla cheered, taking a long swig of her diet soda.

Rennie’s first instinct was to protest. It wasn’t her place to take up group time with her personal problems. But, as she looked at the expectant faces of the woman surrounding her, she began to think twice.

After some rocky months, they had all learned to open up to her and to each other. This was an environment of safety and trust that they’d created together. If Rennie chose to back off now, they might very well come to the conclusion that their trust had been misplaced.

“Okay, you win. It’s not a big deal, but I do have something on my mind that I have mixed feelings about.”

“Lay it on us, Rennie. We’re all getting pretty good at this psychology stuff,” Jackie said, sharing one section of her orange with Moni.

“All right. I ran into an old flame yesterday.”

“Where?” Sarita asked. “At the club last night?”

Rennie nodded. “He caught me off guard, because I hadn’t seen him since I moved to Texas to go to college several years ago.”

“I see,” Jackie said, putting on a dramatically serious face. “And what happened then?” The woman winked as if to say, “See, I can do this.”

“We talked for a few minutes, but the conversation went nowhere. To make a long story short, the last few years haven’t gone as well for him as they have for me.”

“I see,” Jackie said, tapping her chin with her index finger. “How did seeing him again make you feel?”

“How did it make me feel?” Rennie shook her head. There was no easy answer to that question. First, his soft, melting smile had thrilled her heart, then the hard shards of ice in his eyes had broken it. “Strange. I said all the wrong things, and he’s been on my mind ever since.”

“Has he been on your mind because you didn’t like what you said to him or because you still feel some attraction to him?”

Rennie adjusted the collar of her shirt. Suddenly, it felt a bit constricting. “Both.”

“So what do you think is going to make you feel better about this situation?” Jackie asked, turning Rennie’s favorite phrase around on her.

“Well, for one thing, I want to apologize to him for the way our last meeting went. He’s had some tough times, and I’m sure he thought I was judging him. We’d been close once, and I’d like the chance to be more supportive.”

“And the chance to see if there are any sparks left?” Moni asked with a hopeful grin.

“I don’t know. He may not be available anymore. There’s been so much time between us, and we’ve both changed so much. I’m not even sure we still have anything in common.”

“So, what I hear you saying is that you want to see him again, but you’re not sure if he’s still single. If he is, are you interested?”

Rennie squirmed in her seat. They were digging a little deeper than she was ready to go right now.

“Ha,” Carla shouted. “It’s not so easy in the hot seat, is it?”

Rennie laughed. “I must say, you guys are pretty good at this. I guess I should be flattered that you all were actually paying attention in our sessions.”

Jackie looked at the clock. “We’re almost out of time, but that doesn’t mean you can wiggle out of the question. If your guy is available, would you be interested?”

Rennie shrugged. “I can’t answer that right now.”

“Okay, then what are your next steps?” Jackie had really gotten into her role. The words seemed to fall naturally from her lips.

“Find him and apologize, then I’ll see exactly what’s what.”

“Perfect,” Sarita said. “We’ll follow up next week.”

“No, next week I want to hear from every one of you. I let you off the hook this time, but next session we’re getting back to business.”



That afternoon, Gray got into his car and started driving. Before he realized where he was going, he found himself in front of the old building where Rennie worked.

Should he go inside? Her counseling sessions were for women only. No doubt he’d look conspicuous if he walked in. On the other hand, he probably didn’t look any less conspicuous hovering around outside.

Before Gray could make a decision one way or the other, the matter was taken out of his hands. Rennie walked out of the front door. When she saw him standing there, she paused on the steps as if she’d seen a ghost.

Then she was moving again, her pace faster as she strode purposefully toward him. “Hi.” Her voice was breathy when she finally stopped before him.

“Hi, Rennie. Before you ask me what I’m doing here, let me start off by telling you right up front that I don’t know. I got in my car and the next thing I knew I was here.”

She nodded, staring at her feet before finally lifting her gaze to meet his. “This is so strange. Lately, it seems all I have to do is think about you, and you appear.”

He released the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. Gray didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but their reunion last night had seemed…well, bittersweet. In the bright light of day, or rather the dimming light of evening, she could have easily turned him away.

This was the last place he should be. Looking up an old flame had nothing to do with the job he’d come back to do. In fact, it could only get in the way.

“You’ve been on my mind, too. I didn’t like the way we left things.”

She bit her lip. “Um, is there somewhere we can go to talk? To catch up? I think I gave you the wrong impression last night…about your past. I’m not judging you—”

“Where do you want to go?” What was he doing? It wasn’t too late to walk away.

But he stayed rooted to the spot, watching her face. He could stare at her face for hours. Periodically over the years, he’d wondered what kind of woman she’d become, and his imagination hadn’t done her justice.

Her cheekbones, which had been round and full in youth, now arched high with the grace and beauty of maturity. Her skin was still as clear and perfect as it had always been, showcasing her pretty brown eyes and full berry-colored lips. Watching those lips, Gray couldn’t help thinking about kissing them.

Rennie shifted her weight from foot to foot as if she were waging an internal debate. She still had the telltale habit of tapping her fingers on her thigh when she was conflicted.

“Rennie, we can do this another time,” Gray said, trying to give her an out. It probably wasn’t a good idea, anyway.

His voice seemed to bring her to a decision. “No, um, I really want to talk. Otherwise, I’ll keep thinking about you—” She stopped abruptly and shook her head. “Not that there’s anything wrong with thinking about you. That’s not what I meant…”

Gray laughed. “I know what you meant.” Last night, he’d mistaken her fluster for fear. It was a relief to know that she didn’t think he was some kind of monster.

“Would you like to come back to my apartment? This isn’t a come-on or anything. It’s just that restaurants are noisy, and there isn’t a lot of privacy with the waiters coming back and forth. My refrigerator isn’t exactly fully stocked, but I’m sure we could scrape something up. I just don’t want you to think—”

He reached out to touch the hand rapidly drumming on her leg, to halt both her fidgeting and her anxious ramble. “I’m not going to get any ideas. I promise. We’ll just talk, okay?”

She nodded, clearly relieved. “Do you want to follow me? My apartment isn’t far.”

As Gray followed Rennie’s lime green 1999 Volkswagen Beetle, he tried not to dwell on this reckless decision. He needed to see her. Once they talked about old times over a bite to eat, he’d go back to work at the club and put Rennie in a neat little package labeled the past. Maybe he’d be able to reopen that package one day, but for now, this one evening was all he could allow himself.

Twenty minutes later they pulled into a sophisticated apartment complex. She may work six blocks from the old neighborhood, but Rennie Williams had chosen to live in the suburbs. He couldn’t fault her for that.

She parked her car and waited for him in front of the building.

“How long have you been living here?” he asked as they rode up on the elevator.

“A year next month.”

“What made you come back? I thought when you left for Texas, you would end up settling down there.”

Rennie sighed, as though thinking carefully about his question. “Well, after I got my Ph.D., I was teaching undergrad classes. One of my colleagues knew I had an interest in women’s issues, so he told me there was a slot opening up at the L.A. Help Center. A literacy group had just relocated, and the Help Center board wanted to start a program targeted specifically to women,” she said, unlocking her apartment door. “This is it.” Rennie stepped back so he could precede her inside.

“This is a nice place. It’s definitely you.”

Though the room didn’t look anything like Rennie’s old bedroom, being inside her apartment gave him the same feeling. There weren’t any beefcake posters or stuffed animals, but he could see hints of his old Rennie in this more mature and stylish room.

She still loved flowers. Instead of dotting her wallpaper, they were displayed in silk arrangements throughout the apartment. And she hadn’t lost her appreciation for LL Cool J. Instead of hanging on her closet doors, he dominated the CD collection in the rack beside the stereo.

And there were new sides of her Gray hadn’t experienced. Like the fact that she liked Japanese artwork. The room had elaborately painted silk screens and ornate fans hanging on the walls.

He moved to the bookshelf. “When did you start reading romance novels?”

“I use them at the Center to show battered women what a healthy relationship can be like. Since then, I’ve become a fan myself.”

Gray continued to move around the room, asking Rennie about the knickknacks or gadgets he came across. Each item was like a puzzle piece, completing his picture of the woman Rennie had become.

Finally he picked up a tiny frame, featuring an abstract collage of music notes with a French quote in the center. “Every soul is a melody which needs renewing,” he read aloud.

Rennie turned. “Is that what it says? My friend Alise gave that to me because she liked the design. Since we’d both taken Spanish in high school, neither one of us could read the quote.”

Gray realized immediately that he’d made a mistake.

“When did you learn to speak French?”

He couldn’t tell her that since he’d joined SPEAR he’d become fluent in five languages, including French. Normally, sticking to his cover wasn’t a problem, but because Rennie was tied to his past, things were complicated.

“No, I don’t speak French. I’ve seen that frame before. The translation was written on a sticker on the back. I guess I just have a really good memory.”

She studied him for a long moment. “I see. Well, make yourself comfortable while I see what kind of leftovers I have in the kitchen.”

A few minutes later, Rennie entered the room. “I hope you aren’t too hungry because all I have in the fridge are a pitiful collection of leftovers.”

“I’m starving.” Gray rubbed his grumbling stomach.

Rennie bit her lip. “We can order pizza.”

“Let me take a look,” he said, following her into the kitchen. “Remember, we used to come up with all sorts of masterpieces in your dad’s kitchen.”

“Oh, yeah.” Rennie laughed out loud. “It’s all coming back to me, and, as I recall, they were anything but masterpieces.”

After opening a few cabinets and carefully inspecting the refrigerator, Gray nodded to Rennie with confidence. “Looks like we have enough scraps here for a delicious Everything Stew.”

Rennie nodded. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Just point me in the right direction.”

Gray was very at home in the kitchen. Rennie showed him where things were, and he was off and running.

Fifteen minutes later, Gray inhaled the zesty vapor rising off their Everything Stew. Pleased, he glanced at Rennie chopping carrots. “This is going to be a good one.”

She peeked over the edge of the pot. “It’s getting there,” she said, dropping a handful of carrot chunks into the mixture.

He stirred the pot, watching the colors swirl together until a jumble of vivid memories began to bubble out of the stew along with the steam. “Remember the tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches we used to make?”

“Ugh.” Rennie crinkled her nose. “That sounds so gross now. I can’t believe we used to eat those.”

“We ate ’em and loved ’em. They weren’t so bad. Not much different than a BLT…without the B and the L.”

Rennie laughed, placing a lid on the pot so the stew could simmer. “That’s true. I guess tomato sandwiches weren’t the worst concoctions we came up with.”

Gray leaned against the counter, admiring the pristine condition of her kitchen. Clearly, she didn’t like cooking any more now than she had when she was sixteen. The only well-used item in the room was her microwave.

“I think our worst culinary experiment was our homemade macaroni and cheese.”

“I get sick just thinking about it,” Rennie said, clutching her stomach. “You know, I don’t think I’ve eaten macaroni and cheese since that day.”

“That makes two of us. The macaroni and cheese disaster also put an end to our little kitchen experiments. After that we confined our after-school snacks to grilled cheese sandwiches or cereal.”

“I think you are responsible for my fear of cooking,” she said, removing the lid on the pot to stir their stew. “Thanks to you, I must exist on all things microwavable.”

“Don’t blame me for that. In fact, you should be thanking me. Neither of us had a microwave back then. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t know how to work any kitchen appliances.”

The nights Gray had kept her company after school, it had been at his insistence that they attempt to make dinner for themselves. Otherwise, he was certain Rennie would have wasted away on pretzels and Froot Loops.

When the stew was ready, they set everything on the coffee table. Settling down on the floor before the table, Rennie sampled the first bite. “This isn’t bad. Not bad at all.”

Gray nodded his agreement after tasting his stew. The air in the kitchen had been filled with spiced cooking and memories, leaving no room for the tension that had been present since they’d seen each other again. But now that they had moved into the living room to eat their dinner, they fell into an awkward silence.

The tension drifted back, building a wall between them with bricks of uncertainty and fear. Gray watched Rennie’s profile as she blew on her spoon before sipping gently from it. How could someone so familiar be a complete stranger?

He paused, staring into his bowl as he realized that statement could just as easily be applied to him. He was nothing like the Gray she once knew. It was obvious what she saw when she looked at him. She must have so many questions. Questions he had no easy or truthful answers for.

Gray looked up to find that Rennie had put down her spoon and was watching him intently. “What’s the matter?”

“I was just about to ask you the same thing. Why the brooding look? Is something wrong with your stew?”

“No, my stew is fine.”

“Then what’s on your mind?”

“I was just thinking how, in some ways, being here with you feels perfectly natural. Like the years in between never existed. But, in other ways, I look at you and I can’t help wondering about the hundreds of tiny things that I’ve missed.”

She looked at her bowl. “I feel the same way.”

“There’s something I want to ask you?”

“What is it?”

He reached out and touched her chin with his index finger. His thumb brushed over her lips. “Why didn’t you say goodbye before you left me?”




Chapter 4


Suddenly nine years of guilt came rushing back to Rennie. When she’d left for the University of Texas, it had been early morning. She hadn’t awakened Gray to say goodbye. He deserved an explanation for that, but when she opened her mouth to speak, no words came out.

Stalling for time, she picked up their empty stew bowls and carried them into the kitchen.

Gray followed her. “We’d made plans, Rennie. We were supposed to wake up early together, then I was going to make you breakfast and take you to the airport. Instead, when I woke up, you were already gone.”

Rennie turned to face him, seeing raw emotion. It was as though she’d left him only minutes ago instead of years. Despite his words, she knew he wasn’t asking, “Why did you leave me that morning?” He wanted to know why she’d left him at all.

She could only handle one thing at a time. The answer to the first question was easy.

“The night before I left, things had been so emotional and…intense. I’m not sure I would have been able to go if we’d gone through another scene like that.” Rennie had nearly changed her mind about leaving California a thousand times. “Getting on that plane was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

He locked eyes with her, and she backed up into the dishwasher. “Then why did you? I told you that I would take care of you. Didn’t you believe me?”

Finally, the question she’d been dreading. Rennie skirted around him and headed into the living room. Curling up on the couch, her bare feet tucked beneath her, she took a deep breath.

Gray sat on the floor, looking at her patiently. That was the problem with him. He’d always had an infinite amount of patience.

“This is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. The best that I can do is try to explain what was going on in my mind at the time.”

He nodded. “I’m listening.”

“I’d lost my mom when I was only a baby and my father was always working, so my brother had been my whole world. I was only fourteen when Jacob died. You immediately stepped in to look out for me—walking me home from school, driving me to the grocery store, helping me with my homework. Whenever I needed you, you were there. And I began to count on that.”

“Are you trying to say that I—”

“Let me finish, Gray. It wasn’t just me. When Jacob needed someone to watch his back, even though you’d turned down those thugs countless times, you joined the gang for his sake.”

“Not that it made any difference,” he muttered, leaning against the couch so she could only see the back of his head.




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