Extreme Measures
Extreme Measures
Brenda Harlen
Colin McIver is back in town, and the only person who isn't thrilled by the return of the hometown hero is his ex-wife, Nikki Gordon. She just wants to know when he's leaving. Because Colin always leaves. And this time, she hopes he'll be gone before he can discover the secret she's kept hidden for five long years…their daughter, Carly!A murderous stalker is after Colin, who is seeking only solitude and anonymity. Learning about his little girl only makes him more determined to stay and win Nikki's trust again. But when danger strikes too close to home, Colin has to risk everything he holds dear to protect his family. Will his attempt cost him the woman and child he loves–forever?
“How long do you figure it will be before we end up in bed together again?”
The sheer arrogance of Colin’s question should have annoyed her, but his words—and the images they evoked—sent a quick thrill through her. But she couldn’t let him kiss her again, because if he did, she knew she’d be lost.
“You…uh…really need to go,” she said, just a little breathlessly.
Then his lips were on hers and all thoughts of further protest evaporated.
This was crazy. It was wrong. He wouldn’t stay in town for the long term. He never did. Maybe he’d come back occasionally now that he knew about Carly, but she couldn’t hope for any more than that. He’d already broken her heart once before. She could not—would not—give him that power over her again.
Dear Reader,
As always, Silhouette Intimate Moments is coming your way with six fabulously exciting romances this month, starting with bestselling Merline Lovelace, who always has The Right Stuff. This month she concludes her latest miniseries, TO PROTECT AND DEFEND, and you’ll definitely want to be there for what promises to be a slam-bang finale.
Next, pay another visit to HEARTBREAK CANYON, where award winner Marilyn Pappano knows One True Thing: that the love between Cassidy McRae and Jace Barnett is meant to be, despite the lies she’s forced to tell. Lyn Stone begins a wonderful new miniseries with Down to the Wire. Follow DEA agent Joe Corda to South America, where he falls in love—and so will you, with all the SPECIAL OPS. Brenda Harlen proves that sometimes Extreme Measures are the only way to convince your once-and-only love—and the child you never knew!—that this time you’re home to stay. When Darkness Calls, Caridad Piñeiro’s hero comes out to…slay? Not exactly, but he is a vampire, and just the kind of bad boy to win the heart of an FBI agent with a taste for danger. Finally, let new author Diana Duncan introduce you to a Bulletproof Bride, who quickly comes to realize that her kidnapper is not what he seems—and is a far better match than the fiancé she was just about to marry.
Enjoy them all—and come back next month for more of the best and most exciting romance reading around, right here in Silhouette Intimate Moments.
Yours,
Leslie J. Wainger
Executive Editor
Extreme Measures
Brenda Harlen
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
BRENDA HARLEN
grew up in a small town surrounded by books and imaginary friends. Although she always dreamed of being a writer, she chose to follow a more traditional career path first. After two years of practicing as an attorney (including an appearance in front of the Supreme Court of Canada), she gave up her “real” job to be a mom and try her hand at writing books. Three years, five manuscripts and another baby later, she sold her first book—an RWA Golden Heart Winner—to Silhouette.
Brenda lives in southern Ontario with her real-life husband/hero, two heroes-in-training and two neurotic dogs. She is still surrounded by books (“too many books,” according to her children) and imaginary friends, but she also enjoys communicating with “real” people. Readers can contact Brenda by e-mail at brendaharlen@yahoo.com or by snail mail c/o Silhouette Books, 233 Broadway, Suite 1001, New York, NY 10279.
For Angela Muirhead (aka “Joanie”) Because our friendship started a long time ago at a hockey game.
And with thanks to:
My brother, Jim, for stories and insights from the dressing room.
My husband, Neill, for research on explosives…and other things.
And Leslie Wainger and Susan Litman, for giving this story a chance, and helping to make it better.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 1
Colin McIver was back and Nikki Gordon was probably the only person in all of Fairweather, Pennsylvania, who wasn’t thrilled about the return of the hometown hero. Of course, no one else had the questionable privilege of being his ex-wife.
Why was he back?
She crossed the parking lot of the sports’ injuries clinic, scanning the article in the local newspaper she’d swiped from the staff room.
Why now?
“Hello, Nicole.”
She stopped in her tracks, her eyes still fixed on the paper in her hand although the tiny black letters blurred together. She knew that voice. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t heard it in over five years, she’d recognize it anywhere—that deep, warm tone with the underlying sensuality that still caused tingles of anticipation to dance over her skin.
But even if she hadn’t recognized the voice, she would still have known it was him. He was the only person who ever called her Nicole, and just the sound of her name on his lips was enough to bring the memories flooding back. Memories she’d tried for so long to forget.
Her heart thudded heavily in her chest, but she glanced up with forced nonchalance into familiar deep green eyes. His dark hair was cut short, his square jaw freshly shaven, his lips tipped up at the corners. His shoulders looked as broad as she remembered, the cotton shirt he wore stretched over his powerful muscles. His waist was still trim, his denim-clad legs long and lean.
He bore the usual scars of an athlete. The slightly crooked nose that had been broken three times, the small scar that slashed through one thick eyebrow, and the barely noticeable chip in his front tooth. Yet he was still the most devastatingly handsome man she’d ever met.
It had been more than five years since she’d seen him, and she hadn’t forgotten a single detail.
“Hello, Colin.”
He smiled at her, a slow, curving of the lips that caused her pulse to trip, then race.
“You look good,” he said, his eyes skimming over her. “You’ve cut your hair.”
Nikki laughed and self-consciously tucked an errant strand behind her ear. She’d had hair that fell to her waist when she and Colin were married, and he’d loved to comb his fingers through it, spread it out over the pillow—
She thrust the painfully sweet memory aside. “A long time ago.”
He tilted his head. “I like it.”
“What are you doing here, Colin?”
“Here—in Fairweather? Or here—here?”
“Both.”
“I’m here—” he indicated the physical space beside her parked car “—because I wanted to let you know I was back.”
Knowing how anxious he’d been to flee the confines of the town—and their marriage—she was more than a little surprised by his return. And completely unnerved by his sudden and unexpected appearance here. It was one thing to know he was in Fairweather, and quite another to be face-to-face with him again. “Thanks for the warning, but the press beat you to it.”
He took the newspaper she held out, winced as he scanned the headline. “‘Hometown Hero,’ huh? I guess nothing much has changed around here if this is what passes for news.”
“What did you expect?”
He studied her for a long moment. Nikki refused to shift her feet or cross her arms. She didn’t want to appear annoyed or impatient, just disinterested. Anything else might suggest she had some residual feelings for Colin, and nothing could be further from the truth. There had been a time when she’d loved him more than she’d ever thought possible, but that time was long past.
“I don’t know what I expected,” he said at last.
She forced a polite smile. “Do you plan on staying long?”
He shrugged. “A few days, anyway.”
A few days. She exhaled slowly. Whatever the reason for his return, he’d be gone in a few days and her life would settle back to normal again. Still, his presence here now made her uneasy. “Well, it was nice seeing you. Enjoy your stay.”
She started past him, halting abruptly when he reached out to put a restraining hand on her arm. The touch burned her skin, and she pulled away as if he had branded her with a hot iron.
“I need to talk to you, Nicole.”
She forced herself to swallow the fear that lodged in her throat. Why was he doing this? After more than five years of silence, why did he suddenly want to talk? Had he somehow found out—
No. She trampled that thought before it had completely formed. Whatever his reasons for coming back now, they were undoubtedly as selfish and self-centered as the reasons for everything else he’d ever done.
“I know I owe you an explanation,” he said.
She shook her head again. “Five years ago, I might have agreed. But too much time has passed for it to matter anymore.”
“Do you expect me to believe that you never think about what we meant to each other?”
“I don’t care what you believe, but I don’t spend my days reminiscing about our short-lived marriage.” She didn’t have time to think about what they’d once had or what might have been. She was too busy dealing with the reality of what was.
“I think about it,” he said. “A lot.”
The intensity in his eyes made her heart stutter. She steeled her resolve. “Is there a point to this, Colin?”
“I don’t want you to think that I didn’t care.”
“Why would I think that? Because you petitioned for divorce before our first anniversary? Or maybe because you made love to me the night before you walked out on me forever?”
She thought she saw a flicker of something in the depths of his green eyes. Hurt? Regret? She dismissed the thought.
“I had my reasons.”
“I’m sure you did.” She couldn’t quite mask the pain and bitterness that tinged her words. He had shattered her heart when he’d walked out on their marriage, and she couldn’t pretend otherwise. “I imagine it was quite inconvenient to be legally tied to a woman who lived halfway across the country.”
“Dammit, Nicole. I’m not going to let you believe our marriage was an inconvenience.”
She shrugged, as if it didn’t matter. As if this conversation didn’t bother her. As if his easy disregard of their marriage vows didn’t still hurt.
“All I’m asking for is a little of your time. Half an hour.”
The last thing she needed—or wanted—was to spend a single minute more with him, never mind thirty of them.
“Please, Nicole.”
She closed her eyes, willed herself not to respond to the quiet plea in his voice. She wanted to say no—firmly and finally—and walk away. But she couldn’t deny that there was a part of her that was curious to know why he’d tracked her down. After five years, there was still so much that she didn’t know. So much that he didn’t know.
“Half an hour,” she relented.
His quick smile did crazy things to her pulse again.
“Why don’t we go somewhere to grab a coffee?” he suggested.
“There’s a little café across the street,” Nikki told him. “I’ll meet you there after I make a quick phone call.”
Colin hesitated, then nodded.
Nikki waited until he was out of earshot before digging her cell phone out of her purse. She exhaled a sigh of relief when a familiar voice answered at the other end.
“Arden, I need a favor…”
It was only as he reached for the door of the restaurant that Colin realized he still held Nikki’s newspaper in his hand. He glanced at the headline again.
“Get out of town for a while,” Detective Brock had advised. “Go somewhere quiet. Keep a low profile.”
Good advice, but how the hell was he supposed to keep a low profile when the local media still believed he was some kind of superstar?
Colin knew better. The reality was that he’d failed at everything that had ever mattered. He’d failed as a player and a coach, and he’d failed to be the kind of husband Nikki deserved.
He shoved the paper into the garbage can and headed toward the counter, wondering if his careful planning had been compromised by that seemingly harmless headline.
He’d put his plan into action forty-eight hours earlier. The first step was a flight from Texas to Maryland, where he’d reserved a room in his own name at the Baltimore Courtland Hotel. He’d taken a cab from the airport to the hotel and checked into his room, with explicit instructions that he did not want housekeeping services. After unpacking some clothing and toiletries, he’d taken another cab to the bus terminal and paid cash for a ticket to Washington, D.C.
In Washington, he’d picked up the rental car his agent, Ian Edwards, had reserved for him. Then he’d found a small roadside motel, paid cash for the room and crashed for a few hours before driving through to Fairweather yesterday morning, where he’d checked into another Courtland hotel under Ian’s name.
He wasn’t convinced the circuitous route and subterfuge were necessary, but after what had happened in Austin he didn’t want to take any chances. If someone was looking for him, trying to track his moves, they’d be concentrating on the Baltimore area.
Unless they happened to pick up a copy of the Fairweather Gazette.
He’d told no one of his plan to return to Fairweather. It was just his bad luck that he’d run into Traci Harper as soon as he’d arrived in town yesterday afternoon. Traci was an old high-school friend, now a reporter with the Gazette. He should have anticipated that she would somehow turn a chance encounter into a news item.
His only consolation was that it was unlikely anyone outside of this smack-in-the-middle-of-nowhere town read the local rag. Few of his associates even knew he’d grown up in Fairweather, which made it the obvious place for him to find solitude and anonymity.
Or maybe what he’d really wanted to find was Nikki.
He took the two steaming mugs to a vacant table near the window, where he could see her.
He hadn’t let himself think about her until he was on the plane; he hadn’t been able to think about anything else since. After more than five years, he wouldn’t have expected that she’d figure so prominently in his thoughts.
Maybe it was the realization that he could have been killed, the stark reminder of his own mortality. Whatever the reason, he’d suddenly felt a compelling need to see her again—to explain something he still wasn’t sure he understood himself.
He watched as she disconnected her call, tucked the phone back into her purse. As she crossed the street, her short blond hair bobbed with each step.
She was dressed in casual work attire: short-sleeved sweater in a misty shade of blue, tailored pants a few shades darker, white running shoes. It wasn’t a seductive outfit by any stretch of the imagination, but he felt the familiar tug of desire, anyway. Just like the first time he’d seen her.
He’d fought it at first, refused to believe it. The coolly reserved, completely professional physiotherapist wasn’t anything at all like the women he was usually attracted to. But something inside him had recognized her as his mate.
He’d pursued her relentlessly, and when he’d finally broken through her barriers, he’d found an incredibly passionate woman—a woman who’d touched him on levels he hadn’t known existed before he met her. Whatever else might have gone wrong between them, the sex had always been phenomenal.
He shifted in his seat, cursing his body for choosing to remember that now.
“Thirty minutes,” she reminded him, sliding into the chair across from him.
He pushed one of the mugs toward her. “A little bit of cream, a half a teaspoon of sugar.” He’d remembered her preference, as he’d remembered everything about her.
She wrapped her hands around the mug, a wry smile curving her lips. “It’s been five years. A lot of things have changed in that time.”
“Some things never do,” he countered.
“Are you going to tell me the real reason you came back to Fairweather now?”
“You always did cut right to the chase.” It was one of the things he’d admired about her from the start. She’d been the first therapist assigned to work with him after the injury that had prematurely ended his career, and he’d always appreciated her straightforward approach—even when she was telling him things he didn’t want to hear.
“So why are you here?”
“I was ready for a vacation?” he suggested.
“And you chose Fairweather?” Her eyes narrowed speculatively. “Or is your sudden reappearance somehow linked to the explosion in your apartment?”
Talk about cutting to the chase. “How did you know about that?”
“It was on the news.”
Colin had caught mention of it himself during the previous evening’s sports highlights. The commentary was brief, mentioning only that police were investigating a suspected bombing at the residence of Tornadoes’ head coach Colin McIver. There was no mention of Maria Vasquez, the forty-seven-year-old mother of five, who’d been cleaning his apartment at the time and who was still fighting for her life in ICU.
“Was it a gas leak?” Nikki asked.
He only wished the explanation was something so innocuous. “The cause is still being investigated.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
“My apartment needs a little work,” he said, deliberately downplaying the situation. “But that’s only part of the reason that I decided to come back now.”
“And the other part?”
“To see you.”
She stared intently into her cup for a long moment before lifting her gaze. “Why?”
“Because I’ve spent some time in the past few weeks reevaluating my life, facing my mistakes, acknowledging my regrets.”
Her smile was sad. “Where do I fit in? A mistake? Or a regret?”
He reached across the table and covered her hand with his own. “The mistake was in letting you go.”
“You say that as if I wanted out of our marriage, but you were the one who left. You were the one who wanted the divorce.”
“I was too screwed up to know what I wanted. After my father died…” He shrugged.
“I know his death was hard on you,” she said gently. “I know you wished you’d had a chance to bridge the distance between the two of you.”
“I tried. I guess I just didn’t try hard enough.” The sense of regret, of guilt, still gnawed at him. “Did I ever tell you about the last conversation I had with him?”
She shook her head. “What happened?”
“We argued.” He smiled wryly. “It seemed like we were always arguing about something. This time it was about you.”
“Me?”
“He wanted—no, he demanded—that I give up coaching. He said it was past time for me to quit chasing a dream, to get a real job, to be the kind of husband you deserved.”
Richard McIver had berated Colin for even considering the coaching job, insisting that a woman like Nikki needed security and stability, not the kind of nomad existence his career would entail.
But without his career, Colin had nothing to offer his wife. So he’d taken the job, she’d stayed in Fairweather, and their marriage had become a casualty of geographical distance.
And his father had died as he’d lived: angry with and disappointed in his youngest son.
“I’m sorry, Colin.”
“So am I,” he said. “About so many things.”
He rubbed his thumb over her third finger, where his ring had once sat. “I thought you would have married again.”
She tugged her hand, but he didn’t release his hold.
“And I thought ‘till death do us part’ meant something longer than ten months.”
He winced at the direct hit. “I guess I deserved that.”
“What do you want me to say, Colin? Do you want me to tell you that there’s no one else in my life because I haven’t been able to forget about you? Well, I haven’t. I haven’t forgotten how devastated I was when you walked out on me, and I won’t ever risk going through that again.”
“I am sorry.”
She shrugged off his apology, glanced at her watch. “Your half hour’s almost up.”
Colin pushed back his chair and rose to his feet with her. He knew he should be grateful she’d even been willing to sit down and have a conversation with him. After five years, it was more than he’d had a right to expect. But it wasn’t nearly enough.
He walked with her across the street back to the clinic parking lot. She stopped beside her car, turned to face him. “Thanks for the coffee.”
So this was it then—the brush-off. He’d expected it, but he wasn’t prepared for it. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—believe that there was nothing left for them.
Testing her, maybe testing himself, he lifted his hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear and allowed his fingers to graze her cheek as he pulled back. He heard her sharp intake of breath, knew the casual contact had sparked something inside her. It had sure as hell stoked the fire that burned inside him.
“Is it really so easy to walk away?” he asked.
The warmth in her eyes cooled considerably. “You tell me.”
“No.” He dropped his hands to her slender waist, struggled against the impulse to pull her tight against his body. Events of the past few days had shown Colin how short life could be, and he didn’t want to waste any more time. He also knew if he moved too fast, he’d scare her off. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“But you did it.”
“I thought it was the best thing for both of us.” He stroked his hands down over her hips slowly, then back to her waist, his thumbs skimming her ribs. “Now I know I was wrong. Because even after five years, I can’t forget the way it was between us.”
“That was a long time ago, Colin.”
“It could be like that again.”
She started to shake her head.
He didn’t want to hear the protest he knew was coming, so he silenced her the most effective way he knew—with his mouth.
He felt her stiffen, but she didn’t pull away. In fact, her eyelids had just started to lower when the shrill ring of his cell phone intruded.
Later that evening, as Nikki sat alone on the front porch of her home, she would admit—if only to herself—that she’d never experienced with another man the kind of desire she’d felt just being held by Colin. The simple anticipation of his kiss had heated her blood more quickly and completely than any other man’s kisses ever had.
The physical attraction worried her. She’d never been the type of woman to let her hormones overrule her common sense. Except with Colin. The only man who could make her heart soar with a simple look, an innocent touch, was the only man who’d ever broken that same heart.
The thought terrified her, as did the realization that there was so much more at stake than just her heart this time.
She’d always known it was possible that he might come back someday. But it had been a remote concern, almost unreal, so long as he was halfway across the country. Now that he was here, she knew it was time to face the deception she’d lived with every day for the past five years.
She had to tell him. She couldn’t keep the secret any longer—she wasn’t sure she even wanted to. But knowing what she had to do didn’t make it any easier to find the right words.
Colin, you have a child.
It sounded simple enough, except that Carly was her child. Nikki was the one who’d been there every day of Carly’s life: when she’d cut her first tooth, taken her first step. She’d been the one to sit up with Carly through sleepless nights, to kiss her scraped knees, to worry over every cough and fever.
Still, she knew that biology gave him certain rights, not the least of which was the right to know he’d fathered a child. She had wanted to tell him about Carly years ago. She’d wanted to save her marriage, to be with the man she’d loved, but she’d refused to use their baby to do so. She’d loved Colin fiercely, completely, and it would have devastated her to know that he’d only stayed with her for their daughter.
So she’d kept her pregnancy a secret, consented to the divorce, and a few months later, she’d given birth to Carly.
Now he was back, and everything seemed to be spinning out of her control.
She heard the sound of a car approaching, breathed a sigh of relief that Arden was finally home from her meeting at the women’s shelter. Arden Doherty was her cousin, her roommate, and her best friend. And she was the only person Nikki could talk to about the chaos that had come to town with her ex-husband.
Nikki turned around as the vehicle pulled into the driveway. Her heart pounded frantically against her ribs as she realized it wasn’t Arden’s car. And it wasn’t her cousin who got out of the car.
It was Colin.
Her easy smile froze; panic clawed at her throat.
The shock of finding Colin outside the clinic where she worked didn’t compare to the sense of terror building inside as he moved toward the front porch of the house where she lived. Where their little girl was sleeping inside.
What was he doing here?
And more importantly, how quickly could she get him to leave?
She fought against the panic, forced her tone to remain neutral. “What are you doing here?”
He stepped onto the porch, leaned a shoulder against one of the upright posts. “Haven’t we already had this conversation today?”
“And didn’t we say everything we needed to say?” she countered.
He took a step closer, deliberately invading her personal space. “I think we have some unfinished business.”
His gaze dropped to her lips, and she knew he was thinking about kissing her again. Just as she knew she couldn’t let it happen.
She lifted her hands to his chest, intent on pushing him away. She could feel the heat of his skin through his shirt, the unyielding strength of his muscles, the thunderous beating of his heart.
“It’s been a really long day and I have to get up early in the morning and I’m sure you have things to do and if you want to get together for coffee some time on the weekend maybe we could do that, but now really isn’t…”
Her words trailed off as he skimmed his knuckles down her cheek.
“You babble when you’re nervous.” His lips curved in a slow, seductive smile that made her breath catch in her throat and her pulse race. “I like that I can still make you nervous.”
She could hardly deny it. Nor could she deny the anticipation that surged through her veins as his head lowered toward her.
Then his mouth closed over hers and a wave of desire crashed through the last, lingering vestiges of her resistance. Overwhelmed by yearning, overpowered by need, she closed her eyes and surrendered to the sweet, mindless pleasure of his kiss.
His lips were as masterful as she remembered. She’d never known anyone who could kiss like Colin, with a kind of arrogant confidence that might have been annoying if it wasn’t so darned arousing.
Her lips parted on a sigh to welcome the teasing caress of his tongue as he deepened the kiss. She hadn’t felt his arms come around her, hadn’t been aware of her own reaching for him, but suddenly they were entwined together and the press of his long, lean and very hard body sent dangerous currents racing through her. She shifted closer, the friction of the subtle movement making her skin burn, her body ache.
It had been years—five years, in fact—since she’d felt anything close to this kind of arousal. And all it took was a kiss.
Or maybe it was Colin.
She had no defenses against him. She never had. It was this fleeting thought, this reminder of their disastrous history, that finally penetrated the sensual haze fogging her brain and jolted her back to reality.
She pulled out of his arms. “I want you to go, Colin.”
“Making me leave isn’t going to make the attraction between us go away.” He brushed his thumb over the curve of her bottom lip, moist and swollen from his kiss. “The chemistry’s still there. You might not like it, but you can’t deny it.”
He was right—she couldn’t deny it. But she could, and she would, resist it. What was chemistry without staying power, anyway? Nothing more than an invitation to heartbreak—and she’d been there, done that.
She took a deliberate step back. “I have no intention of being a distraction for you while you’re in town.”
“Do you think that’s all I want?”
“I gave up trying to figure out what you wanted a long time ago.”
He moved toward her, breaching the careful distance she’d put between them. “I want you, Nicole. I’ve always wanted you.”
Her heart did a silly little flip-flop inside her chest, but she refused to show how much his words affected her. “What about me?” she countered. “What about what I want?”
“Tell me,” he said, his voice as seductive as a caress. “Tell me what you want.”
She steeled herself against the traitorous yearnings of her body, the inexplicable longing in her heart.
I want you to go.
Before she could speak, the familiar creak of the screen door snagged her attention. Every muscle in her body stiffened, her breath caught.
Colin, his eyes still focused on her own, hadn’t heard the sound. His back to the house, he couldn’t see the tiny figure standing in the doorway. But Nikki could, and she saw the whole of her universe start to crumble around her even before Carly spoke.
“Mommy?”
Chapter 2
Colin stared at the child in the doorway while his mind desperately scrambled for a plausible explanation to the scene that was unfolding in front of him. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. He felt as though he’d just been blindsided at center ice, and he was helpless to do anything as the world spun out of control around him.
“Mommy, I had a bad dream.”
He saw Nikki move toward the child, smooth a trembling hand over the little girl’s tousled blond hair.
Mommy.
Whatever he’d expected when he’d returned to Fairweather, he hadn’t expected this.
Nikki had a child.
He shook his head. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. But the relationship between the woman and the child was obvious, and triggered a multitude of other questions in his mind. Whose? When? And most heart wrenching of all—how could she have betrayed him in such a way?
Nikki didn’t spare him a glance as she crouched down beside the little girl. “What did you dream about, sweetie?”
“I don’t ’member.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I just woke up an’ I was scared.”
“It’s okay,” Nikki soothed, wrapping her arms around the child. “Mommy’s here.”
It’s been five years. A lot of things have changed in that time.
Her words echoed in his mind. Obviously a lot of things had changed, more than he ever would have expected.
Nikki had told him she’d never married again, and he’d mistakenly assumed that meant she’d never loved anyone else. The existence of this child proved otherwise.
The pain of knowing she’d been with another man, loved another man, was like losing her all over again. It was a betrayal of everything they’d shared, of all that they’d meant to each other.
You were the one who wanted the divorce.
Dammit, he hadn’t wanted the divorce. He hadn’t wanted anything more than he’d wanted to be with Nikki. But his career had made that impossible, and he couldn’t bear to see how much their separation hurt her.
So he’d said goodbye; he’d walked away. And she’d found someone else. As he stared at the blond head nestled against Nikki’s shoulder, the realization simply shattered him.
Somehow sensing his perusal, the little girl turned. The initial shock of hearing her call Nikki “Mommy” was nothing compared to the impact he felt when the child looked at him through eyes that were the mirror image of his own.
Colin grasped the railing behind him for support as a whole new wave of emotions washed over him. The most overwhelming, and the most unexpected, of them all was joy. Pure, unadulterated joy filled his heart as he stood face-to-face with his child.
His child.
There was absolutely no doubt in his mind, not the slightest hint of uncertainty in his soul. This beautiful little girl was his daughter.
She, however, obviously had no clue about his identity, because she turned to her mother and demanded, “Who’s that?”
Nikki looked from the child to him, her teeth sinking into the soft fullness of her bottom lip in what he recognized as one of her nervous gestures.
Colin waited for her response, silently daring her to deny what was now so painfully clear.
“This is—” she cleared her throat “—Uncle Shaun’s brother.”
Uncle Shaun’s brother.
The words were a double-edged sword—slashing through him with the denial of his parental relationship and the startling realization that his brother had been privy to the deception.
The child tipped her head back to study him more carefully. “Are you my uncle, too?”
At another time, Colin might have been impressed by her deductive reasoning. Now, however, he was too stunned to speak.
“Colin, can you, uh, just give me a minute? Please.”
He heard the plea in Nikki’s voice, the desperation.
He wanted an explanation and he wanted it now. After more than five years, he didn’t want to wait another minute. The numbing shock that had settled over him earlier had been supplanted by bubbling hot fury. He wanted to shout, to rage, to demand. He wanted to shake Nikki, as he’d been shaken by this revelation. But he knew that the worst thing he could do right now was confront his ex-wife about her lies in front of their daughter.
He nodded tersely.
“Come on, Carly.” Nikki put an arm around the child’s shoulders, pointedly ignoring her earlier and still unanswered question. “Mommy will tuck you back into bed.”
Colin watched them walk back into the house together, unable to tear his attention away from his little girl.
He’d never given much thought to the possibility of having a family. But faced with the indisputable evidence that he had a child, there was no doubt in his mind that he needed a chance to be her father. A real father—the kind of dad he’d never had.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he’d get that chance. He was on the run, hiding out from someone who wanted him dead. How could he pursue any kind of relationship under those circumstances? How could he expect to be her father when he might have to leave town without a moment’s notice?
This time he did hear the creak of the screen door, and he turned as Nikki came back out onto the porch. Tension radiated from her slight frame in waves, but she faced him defiantly. “Her name’s Carly. She’s four-and-a-half years old.”
“She’s mine,” Colin said.
It was a statement rather than a question, but Nikki nodded anyway. “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She looked at him, her eyes filled with sadness and regret, but she didn’t respond.
He slammed his fist against the wooden post, and Nikki flinched. “Dammit, Nicole. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He caught a glimpse of tears in her eyes before she averted her gaze.
“I think I deserve some answers.” Colin’s voice practically vibrated with tightly restrained anger. He didn’t care. He figured he was well within his rights to be angry, and the fury was more tolerable than the fear that had followed him across the country and easier to deal with than the inexplicable longing to take her in his arms.
Nikki drew in a deep breath, nodded stiffly again.
“It’s been more than five years, and you never said a word. Not one-single-goddamned word.”
A single tear slipped onto her cheek, trailed slowly downward. “I’m sorry. I never wanted you to find out this way.”
“Or maybe you never wanted me to find out at all.”
She shook her head. “I wanted to tell you—I was going to tell you.”
“You’re five years too late.”
“No.” She managed to glare at him through her tears. “You’re five years too late.”
There was just enough truth in her words to infuriate him. “Don’t try to blame this on me. You should have told me as soon as you found out you were pregnant. Or didn’t you know at the time that it was my baby?”
He wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but her already pasty cheeks paled further.
“There was never any doubt,” she said softly. “But if that’s what you think of me, then maybe it doesn’t matter what I did or should have done.”
“Maybe it doesn’t,” he agreed callously.
Nikki managed to hold back the tears until Colin had stormed off. She listened to the slam of the car door, the gunning of the engine, the squeal of tires as he pulled out of the driveway. She waited until his vehicle was out of sight before she went back inside, then she tiptoed up the stairs to check on her sleeping daughter.
She brushed the soft curls back from her forehead, then pressed a gentle kiss to one rosy cheek. Carly didn’t even stir. Whatever unpleasant dreams had disturbed her slumber earlier had obviously been banished, and she slept deeply now, contentedly.
Of course, she had no idea that her life as she’d always known it was about to change.
Or maybe not.
Colin had been shocked to learn that he had a child; he was furious that Nikki hadn’t told him about their daughter. But maybe, once he had some time to think about it, he’d decide there was no place in his life for a child. Maybe this revelation would inspire him to leave town as unexpectedly as he’d returned—forever this time.
Nikki sighed, knowing in her heart that although Colin’s disappearance might be the easiest solution to the problem, it wasn’t what she wanted for Carly. Despite the emotional scene on her porch, she was glad he’d come back, relieved he finally knew.
There had been so many times over the years when she’d wanted to call him, so many times she’d wanted to share her feelings—her hopes and dreams for their child, so many milestones she’d wished he’d been a part of.
She slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind her, and for the first time since Carly was born, she allowed herself to cry for everything she and Colin had lost. Everything their daughter had missed out on by not having her daddy in her life.
When Arden came home a short while later, Nikki’s tears were finally spent. Her cousin dropped a copy of the Fairweather Gazette on the coffee table before sitting beside Nikki on the sofa. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’ve seen him.”
Nikki shook her head.
“What happened?”
“He showed up here and Carly decided to make an impromptu appearance.”
Arden winced. “Not the best way he could have found out.”
“I know. And I know you warned me.” For the past five years, Arden had been trying to convince Nikki to contact Colin, to tell him about their daughter.
But she still believed she’d done the right thing.
Colin had made it clear that he’d wanted out of their marriage, he’d wanted to sever the ties that held them together. And a marriage was little more than a piece of paper, a legal institution. A child was flesh and blood, a lifelong responsibility. The last thing Nikki had wanted was to use their baby to try to hold on to him. She’d loved him too much to settle for less than his love in return.
“Are you okay?” Arden asked gently.
She grabbed another tissue and wiped her nose. “This morning, I thought I was in complete control of my life. Then Colin showed up and turned everything upside down.”
“You had to know he’d come back sometime.”
“I used to think he would,” she admitted. “For the first year after he’d gone, every time there was a knock at the door, I was half hopeful, half afraid, that it might be Colin. Then, as the weeks turned into months, and the months into years, I was less certain. With each passing day it became more apparent that he wasn’t coming back, until I’d convinced myself that he never would.”
“But now he has.”
“Yeah.”
“How did he react?”
“He thought…” She hesitated, surprised by how much it hurt to replay Colin’s words in her mind. She could still see the accusation in his eyes, hear the challenge in his voice. “He thought I hadn’t told him because I didn’t know if he was the father.”
“Oh, Nic.” Arden wrapped her arms around her. “You know he didn’t mean that. He’s hurting, and he lashed out. It’s a normal reaction.”
She gave a short, bitter laugh. “There’s nothing normal about this situation.”
“Give him some time.”
Somehow Nikki didn’t think any amount of time would diffuse Colin’s anger. “You have no idea how much I wish I could turn the clock back.”
“He had to be told.”
“I know.” She sighed regretfully. “I just wish I’d actually told him.”
Colin drove for a long time after he’d left Nikki’s house. Although a part of him wished he’d stayed and forced Nikki to give him the answers he needed, another part—maybe the more rational part—recognized that his emotions were running too close to the surface to be able to have a civilized conversation with her right now.
Instead, he got into his car and drove. It was a habit he’d acquired as a teenager—a way of venting steam after one or another blowup with his father—and one that was usually successful in helping him gain perspective on an issue.
Unfortunately, he was sure he could drive all the way to Texas and back and still not gain any perspective in this matter. He tried to sort out his feelings, but everything was so jumbled up inside he didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t know how he felt, how he was supposed to feel in the face of Nikki’s revelation. Mostly, he felt betrayed by the only woman he’d ever trusted with his heart.
It’s been five years. A lot has changed in that time.
Her words echoed in his mind again. She was right. A lot of things had changed—Nikki had changed. The woman he’d known, the woman he’d loved, would never have kept such a secret from him.
He still couldn’t believe she’d had a child and never told him about it.
Not just a child.
Their child.
He winced, remembering the absolute devastation he’d seen in Nikki’s eyes when he’d challenged her about not knowing the child’s paternity. He’d had no right to make such an accusation, no reason to believe she’d ever been unfaithful.
But how could she have done this to him?
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t completely innocent in this scenario. Maybe he shouldn’t have walked away from their marriage. But dammit, it wasn’t as if he’d known she was pregnant.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. Well, now he knew. But he didn’t know what he was going to do about it.
He didn’t know anything about being a father. His own had hardly been a shining example. Richard McIver had dedicated his life to the legal profession and nothing—not the woman he’d married nor the two sons she’d given him—had ever competed with his career. He’d been absent more than he’d been home, and disinterested in his children when he was around.
Now, with no warm-up, no practice, no preparation, Colin was a father.
Oh, hell. Who was he kidding? He was more of a sperm donor than a father. That was the extent of his involvement in his daughter’s life thus far. He knew nothing about her other than her age and her name. He didn’t know her birthday, her favorite color, her favorite toys.
And he didn’t know what she knew about him. What had Nikki told their daughter about her father? How had she explained his absence to their child? Did Carly hate him for not being around? Or did she understand why he hadn’t been part of her life? Did she even want a father, or would his sudden appearance be an unwanted complication?
The unfairness of the situation struck deep. It wasn’t just that he didn’t know anything about his child—he’d never been given a chance to know her. Nikki had deliberately and continuously kept the existence of their daughter a secret for almost five years. Even now, because of a disgruntled player and circumstances out of his control, he might not get a chance to stay in Fairweather long enough to know her.
He thought again of the Gazette and the possibility—remote though it seemed—that the article could compromise his cover. While a part of him welcomed the opportunity for a showdown with Parnell, a chance to end things once and for all, he wouldn’t risk that confrontation occurring where his child could get caught in the crossfire.
Whether by accident or design, as he pondered these issues he found himself driving down Meadowvale Street toward his brother’s house—the home in which they’d both lived as children. He and Shaun had been close at one time, but after he and Nikki split up, Colin had resolved to stay as far away from Fairweather and all reminders of his ex-wife as possible.
He knocked at the door, then waited with something close to apprehension for his brother to answer. He hadn’t been back since his father’s funeral, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be here now.
“My prodigal brother finally returns.” Shaun’s quick smile took the sting out of his words before he enveloped his brother in a quick hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“You, too,” Colin told him, surprised by the sudden tightness in his throat.
“This family reunion calls for a celebration,” Shaun said, leading the way into the kitchen.
“You might not think so once you find out why I’m here.”
Shaun took a couple bottles of beer out of the fridge, twisted the cap off one and passed it to his brother, then did the same to his own. “You’ve seen Nikki,” he guessed.
“And my daughter.”
“Good.”
Whatever reaction he’d expected from his brother, this wasn’t it.
“I’m glad she finally told you.” Shaun moved toward the living room.
Colin managed a smile as he followed. “That isn’t exactly what happened.”
“Oh.” Shaun propped his feet up on the coffee table—something neither one of them would have dared to do while their father was still living. “What did happen?”
“Nikki and I were having a conversation about something else entirely when Carly walked in.”
“Well.” Shaun took a pull from his bottle. “That must have been a surprise.”
“To say the least,” Colin agreed.
“Then you and Nikki argued about it,” Shaun guessed.
He nodded.
“And you walked out.”
“Yeah,” he admitted.
“I can imagine how upset you must have been, but you’re going to have to talk to her if you want to work out a schedule for visitation.”
“I don’t want visitation,” Colin said, cringing at the implications of the word.
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. He didn’t know anything about being a father, but he knew that he wanted to be a father—not just someone who passed in and out of his child’s life.
His brother shook his head. “That’s typical, isn’t it?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You never think things through, Colin. I know you’re pissed that Nikki didn’t tell you about Carly, but can you blame her?”
“Yes! I had a right to know that she was carrying my child.”
“And she had a right to expect that you’d honor the vows you’d made.”
“I did honor those vows. I never cheated on Nikki. I never even thought about another woman while we were together.”
“You weren’t even married a year.”
That was true, but what Shaun didn’t know was that it had been a long time after the divorce was final before Colin looked at another woman. Even then, it had been part of a conscious effort to forget about Nikki. A futile effort, he realized now. Because he hadn’t stopped thinking about her. Dreaming of her. Missing her.
He’d actually looked forward to receiving the final divorce papers, as if those pages could somehow eradicate his feelings for Nikki. Unfortunately, they’d failed to do so. Nothing had helped him get over his ex-wife.
The minute he’d seen Nikki striding across the parking lot, he’d known his feelings hadn’t dissolved with their marriage—they’d only been buried. It had taken just one glance to bring them back to the surface, one touch to have them churned up again. And when he’d kissed her, it was as if the five years apart had never happened, as if nothing had changed.
Except that everything had changed.
“I understand that you’re angry,” Shaun relented, “but—”
“I don’t think you can understand any of this. You didn’t just find out that you had a four-and-a-half year-old daughter.” Colin slammed his empty bottle down on the table. “Why would she keep something like this from me? Did she really think I would turn my back on my own child?”
“Nikki didn’t find out she was pregnant until after you’d told her your marriage was over.”
“I still had a right to know.”
Shaun sighed. “Why do you think I tried so hard to get you to come back here? Why do you think I made those outrageous demands in the settlement negotiations with your lawyer?”
“Because you were acting on your client’s instructions,” Colin guessed.
“Nikki didn’t want anything from you,” Shaun told him. “But I thought—I’d hoped—that you’d come back here and demand to know why she was being unreasonable. Then she would have had to tell you about the baby she was expecting.”
Colin shook his head, only now beginning to understand what he’d previously seen as his brother’s betrayal. “My lawyer told me not to sign that agreement. But the money didn’t matter to me, and I figured it was the least I could do to compensate Nikki for messing up her life.” In fact, he would have paid ten times as much in the hope that the financial settlement might assuage his guilt. It hadn’t.
“She’s never touched a dime of it,” Shaun confided. “It all went into a trust account for Carly.”
This revelation didn’t change the basic facts of the situation; it didn’t absolve his brother of culpability. Shaun had been a party to Nikki’s deception for the past five years—the two people he’d been closest to had betrayed him.
“How could you keep this from me?” he wondered aloud. “How could you not tell me I had a child?”
“It wasn’t my place to tell you. And Nikki was my client—”
“I’m your brother.”
“I couldn’t disclose information provided to me in my capacity as legal—”
“Spare me the speech on attorney-client privilege. You haven’t billed Nikki for every conversation you’ve had over the past five years.”
Shaun sighed. “I know she wanted to tell you.”
Colin raked his hands through his hair again. He’d been back in Fairweather less than forty-eight hours, and already his life bore little resemblance to the one he’d left behind in Texas.
It had been Detective Brock’s suggestion that he get away, and Colin had been grateful to do so. He was tired of always looking over his shoulder, always wondering what might be around the next corner. He’d come back to Fairweather for some downtime, to talk to his ex-wife. His plans had been simple.
Now that he was here, it seemed he’d only exchanged one set of complications for another. Nothing was simple anymore.
“What’s she like?” he asked after a long pause. Then, to clarify—and to try the name out, “Carly.”
His brother smiled. “She has your eyes, and all of the famous McIver charm.”
Colin smiled, pleased to know there was something of himself in his daughter.
“Is she…is she happy?”
“She’s an incredibly happy and well-adjusted child.”
Colin cleared his throat, to ease the sudden tightness. “Maybe she doesn’t need a father,” he said. “Not a father like me, anyway.”
“What does that mean—a father like you?”
He pushed himself up from the chair. “Just that I don’t know anything about being a father. I know nothing—less than nothing, even—about kids.”
“Most fathers are novices the first time around.”
“But…God, I’ve never even thought about having kids.”
“Well, you’d better start thinking about it,” his brother said practically. “Because you’ve got one now.”
“Did you…” Colin hesitated, almost afraid to finish the question. “Did you tell her not to tell me…about the baby?”
“No.” Shaun grinned. “In fact, I advised her to go after you for child support.”
Chapter 3
The worst thing about prison, Duncan Parnell decided, was the bed. If the narrow mattress on the steel frame bolted to the concrete floor could even be called a bed. He rolled slowly onto his back and stretched out, concentrating on his breathing as he tried to force his muscles to relax. Perspiration beaded on his forehead as he gritted his teeth against the stabbing pain.
He wished he had some of his pills, just to take the edge off. Even one pill. One pill would at least reduce the agony to a dull ache.
The guard had given him an aspirin, as if that would make a difference. He closed his eyes as the pain struck again, exhaled slowly. It was a good thing he wasn’t going to be here very long.
And when he got out, he’d make Jonesy pay for ratting him out. He didn’t doubt for a minute that it had been Jonesy who had turned on him.
McIver had picked Jonesy up from Detroit on a mid-season trade. He’d scored seven goals in his first ten games with the Tornadoes, and after Duncan’s accident, he’d been moved up to Duncan’s line to fill the vacant position. It was supposed to have been a temporary move, just until Duncan was back.
But McIver kept Jonesy in the starting line. As the team neared play-offs, Jonesy was getting at least twice the ice time Duncan got.
He’d made the mistake of shooting off his mouth in The Thirsty Duck one night after their play-off run had ended. Not to Jonesy—he and the pretty boy from Michigan weren’t that close. But Jonesy had been there, and Duncan had been furious enough to rant indiscriminately about his intention to make McIver pay.
Jonesy must’ve figured he’d be guaranteed Duncan’s place in the lineup next season if Duncan was behind bars.
And now, because of a few ill-chosen words and the subsequent explosion at McIver’s apartment, Duncan was a guest of the local correctional facility on charges of uttering threats. He knew the cops expected to pin the bombing on him. He also knew that they didn’t have any evidence against him, nor would they find any. Because he hadn’t done it.
If he’d planned to blow McIver away personally, he would have bought a gun and been done with it. He might even have enjoyed it. But no way would he have tried to build a bomb. Hell, he’d known a guy in high school who lost two fingers on one hand because he’d been playing with a firecracker.
Duncan shook his head. It was too much of a risk. His hands were his livelihood, his life. He wasn’t as big as some of the guys, he wasn’t as quick on his feet as others, but give him the puck and he could skate circles around all of them. He’d been admired for his “fast hands” since he’d started playing junior hockey at fourteen years of age. No way in hell would he risk his biggest asset.
You had to be nuts to play around with explosives.
Which is exactly what he’d told the cop who’d arrested him.
As the excruciating pain in his back eased a little, he smiled up at the bare ceiling. No, he wasn’t the type who got his kicks playing with explosives—but he knew someone who was.
And Boomer had been more than happy to take care of Duncan’s problem. He didn’t worry about being ratted out. Boomer had been in the business more than fifteen years, with only two arrests and no convictions. He was a man who took pride in his work and his reputation, and Duncan trusted him to get the job done. Which was another reason he didn’t mind being locked up right now—he’d have an irrefutable alibi when McIver’s body was found.
Nikki was up with the sun Saturday morning after a sleepless night. She knew her conversation with Colin the previous evening had barely scratched the surface of the issue, and the next round of conflict was inevitable. So she was almost relieved to find him at her door before nine o’clock.
“Where’s Carly?” Colin asked.
“She’s spending the day with Arden.”
His cool gaze narrowed on her. “I want to see my daughter.”
“I wanted to be able to discuss the…situation without being overheard.”
Her explanation didn’t seem to placate him.
Nikki didn’t care. She was only worried about how Colin’s sudden appearance would impact Carly’s life. And concerned about the void that would be left after his inevitable disappearance again. Because as much as she wanted Colin to have a relationship with Carly, she knew he wouldn’t stay in Fairweather. He’d never wanted to before; there was no reason to suspect he would now.
“Do you want some coffee?” The offer was made in an attempt to buy time rather than because she had any real desire to pump more caffeine into her system.
“Fine.”
She could tell by the clipped tone that he was still angry. Furious, in fact, and she knew she couldn’t blame him for that.
She led the way into the kitchen, then busied herself pouring coffee into two mugs while she sought the words that would explain her actions. She added a splash of cream to his, cream and sugar to her own. The task gave her another precious moment to compose herself, organize her thoughts.
She turned back to the table and handed him the mug. His fingers brushed against hers and her tenuous composition dissolved, her supposedly organized thoughts fled. She chanced a quick glance at Colin, found his eyes locked on hers, felt the heated awareness that simmered between them.
Despite the enormity of the issues unresolved, the basic attraction was still there. Like the glowing embers of a fire, stoked by that simple, accidental contact of their fingers. It was just another distraction she didn’t need right now, a complication she couldn’t afford.
“I’m still trying to understand what happened, Nicole, why—in all this time—you didn’t tell me we had a child.”
Whatever excuses she’d used to justify the deception initially, the more time that passed, the harder it became to even consider telling him about their child. And the older Carly got, the more unreal the whole situation seemed. Maybe it would have been easier when Carly was a baby, or even a toddler. But how could she track him down to tell him that he was a father—to a four-and-a-half-year-old child?
She’d always fallen back on the excuse that if Colin had cared about her at all, he would have come back. She’d clung to that justification, reveled in it. After all, he’d been the one to walk out on her. But now he was back, and she’d run out of excuses.
“I wanted to tell you,” she admitted.
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Because the day I found out that I was pregnant was the day I got served with divorce papers.” The memory of that day—both the overwhelming joy and the devastating pain—was still vivid in her mind.
“This was payback? Your way of punishing me for ending our marriage?”
She sighed wearily. “I didn’t think of it as punishment, but maybe it was. At first, anyway. I was hurt and angry, and I didn’t want to have any contact with you.”
“You couldn’t have got past your hurt and anger for two minutes at any time in five years to tell me I had a child?” he demanded.
“I tried to call you.”
“When?”
“The first time I held our baby in my arms.” Even now, thinking about that moment made her smile. “I wanted you to know about her—our beautiful, perfect little girl.”
“And?” he prompted impatiently.
“The number was no longer in service.”
Her response didn’t even slow down his attack. “Did you call directory assistance? Did you ask my brother? Did you make any effort other than that one phone call?”
“No,” she admitted.
“Why, Nic?”
“I thought I was protecting Carly.”
“How could you possibly use our child to justify your actions?”
Our child.
The words leaped at her, angry, accusing. Reminding Nikki that he had a valid and legitimate claim to the little girl that she’d kept to herself for so many years. It didn’t matter that her actions had been well-intentioned, that she’d given Carly all the love and attention and affection any child could need or want. Carly was his child, too, and she’d hurt all of them by denying it.
“What did you think you were protecting her from?” Colin demanded.
Nikki shifted her gaze, tried to keep her own temper in check. But it was hard not to respond in kind to his anger. “From being rejected by her father.”
He scowled. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your damn obsession with hockey.” She practically shouted the words at him, relieved to finally speak them aloud. To finally admit the feelings she’d kept bottled up inside her for so long.
“Obsession?” Colin echoed.
“It was all you ever talked about, all you thought about. And I didn’t think a child would fit into your plans. A wife certainly hadn’t.”
“Hockey wasn’t an obsession—it was my life.”
“I know,” she admitted, helpless to prevent the bitterness from entering her voice. “And more important to you than anything else.”
“That isn’t true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Of course not. And we weren’t talking about my career, anyway. We were talking about why you kept my daughter from me.”
Nikki sighed. “When I first suspected that I was pregnant, I hoped that having a baby would bring us closer again. Then you decided that being married wasn’t what you wanted, and the last thing I wanted was for you to come back to me just because I was pregnant.
“I loved you too much to use our baby to hold on to you. I didn’t want you to resent me, and our child, for keeping you here when it wasn’t where you wanted to be.”
She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “And there was a part of me that was afraid it wouldn’t be enough to hold you, anyway. That you would still choose your career over your family.”
“Did you ever consider a third option—that I might have wanted to be a father to our child?”
Of course she’d considered it. When the doctor had confirmed her pregnancy, she’d fantasized about telling him. In that fantasy, Colin had been ecstatic to learn she was carrying his child. He’d shouted with joy and kissed her breathless. Then he’d taken her away and they’d lived happily ever after in a house full of children.
But the reality was that they’d married without ever talking about children. At the time, she’d been so thrilled to be Colin’s wife she hadn’t worried about anything else. She’d known she wanted to have his child some day, and she’d taken it for granted that he wanted the same thing.
When she’d finally broached the subject a couple of months later, she’d been both shocked and hurt to hear him say he didn’t want a family. But she hadn’t pursued the topic, certain he’d change his mind over time.
Being served with a petition for divorce had effectively annihilated that fantasy. Still, she knew now that she’d been wrong to blame him for destroying a dream he couldn’t have known about. And after a long minute of agonizing silence, she finally whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry that I found out?”
She shook her head, blinked back tears. “Sorry that I didn’t try to tell you sooner. Regardless of what happened between us, you are her father and you had a right to know.”
Colin remained silent.
“I am sorry,” she said, surprised at how good it felt to say those words. “I never meant to hurt you or Carly by keeping my pregnancy a secret. And I’m sorry that’s what happened.”
“So am I.”
“What do you want me to do now?” she asked helplessly. “I’ve apologized. I’ve tried to make you understand why I made the decisions I did. Okay, so maybe I screwed up. Maybe I should have done things differently. But it’s too late to change that now.”
When he finally spoke, his tone was ripe with bitterness and accusation. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for this.”
“We both made mistakes,” she reminded him. “Can’t we just admit that and move on?”
“I don’t know how to get past your lies, your deception.”
Nikki again felt the sting of tears behind her eyes.
“Does Carly know anything about me?”
“She’s only started to ask questions about her dad,” Nikki admitted. “I’ve told her as much as I can without lying to her.”
His eyes narrowed. “What have you told her?”
“That he didn’t live with us because he worked in Texas.”
He seemed to consider her explanation for a long moment.
“It’s not a big deal to her,” Nikki explained. “A lot of her friends live in single-parent families.”
“It’s a big deal to me,” he said.
“That’s not what I meant. I was only trying to explain that she hasn’t missed not having a father.”
“Does that help you sleep at night—believing she doesn’t need a father?”
“I didn’t say she didn’t need a father,” she said wearily. “In a perfect world, every child would have two parents who love her. But this isn’t a perfect world, and I’ve done the best that I can for Carly.”
“Then where do I fit in?”
Nikki hesitated, knowing that her response was only going to infuriate him even more. But she’d thought about that question all night, and she was determined to put her daughter’s interests first. “I don’t want you forcing your way into her life if you don’t plan on staying. It would be worse for Carly to find her father and lose him, than never to have a father at all.”
“Why is that your decision to make?” Colin challenged.
“Because she’s my daughter and I don’t want her to be hurt.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she recognized her mistake. Of course, it was already too late.
“She’s my daughter, too,” he shot back. “And I want to be part of her life. I want her to know who I am.”
“You want her to call you ‘Daddy’?”
“I am her father,” he reminded her.
“You can’t expect to show up, after five years, and—”
“I might have shown up sooner,” he pointed out coldly, “if I’d known about my child.”
“Might being the operative word,” Nikki shot back.
“In any event,” Colin continued, his tone icy, “I don’t think you’re in any position to put conditions on my relationship with Carly.”
“I’m the one who will have to deal with the fallout when you’re not around anymore.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“What happens if your contract is renewed in Texas?”
“I’m not going to debate with you about something that might or might not happen,” he said.
“She’s the one who’ll be hurt when you leave town again.”
“Why are you so quick to assume that I’d abandon her?”
Nikki looked away. She was afraid for Carly, but she was also afraid for herself. Colin affected her as no other man ever had, and she couldn’t bear to see him walk out on her again. And she knew that he would leave. Sooner or later, Colin always left.
“Because you’re always looking for something better. And when a situation becomes a little too difficult, you walk away rather than trying to make it work.”
“Are you still talking about Carly?” he asked. “Or us?”
Nikki flushed. “Obviously our history has colored my perceptions, but you can’t blame me for wanting to protect Carly.”
“I would never hurt her, Nikki.”
I would never hurt you, Nikki. Yes, she’d heard those words before. She’d even believed them at one time. Not anymore.
“If you really want to be her father, you have to start thinking about what’s best for Carly. You need to consider how it will affect her when you walk out of her life as abruptly as you’ve walked into it.”
“Dammit, Nicole. What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do to prove that I’m committed?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “But you don’t get to call yourself her father until you’re ready to take the responsibility of being a father.”
“Maybe we should see what a family-court judge says about it.”
The words, once they’d been spoken, surprised Colin as much as they surprised Nikki. He certainly hadn’t come over here this morning with the intention of threatening to take her to court. But he should have expected the unexpected—nothing had gone according to plan since he’d walked back into this town.
And although he was tempted to follow through on the threat, to force Nikki to accept him as part of Carly’s life, he knew he couldn’t. Court documents were a matter of public record, accessible to anyone who cared to look. Filing a legal claim to his daughter would not only announce his location to the world but potentially endanger Carly as well.
Despite Detective Brock’s phone call last night advising of Duncan Parnell’s arrest, Colin remained wary. Unless and until Parnell signed a confession, he couldn’t let himself believe the threat had passed. He couldn’t let his guard down for a minute, which meant he couldn’t sue for custody of his child.
But Nikki didn’t know this, and her face drained of all color in response to his impulsive statement. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Don’t tempt me,” he warned.
She blinked back the tears that shimmered in her eyes. “I’m only trying to do what’s best for Carly. Why can’t you see that?”
“How can not knowing her father be best?”
“It has to be better than knowing he didn’t care enough to stick around.”
He raked his fingers through his hair. “Dammit, Nikki. I didn’t know you were pregnant.”
“And I didn’t think you’d care!”
Her outburst, and the depth of her anger, stunned him into silence for a moment.
“How could you think that?” he asked at last. “How could you think I’d walk away from my child?”
“I didn’t know what to think,” Nikki said bluntly. “But I didn’t think the man who’d told me he’d love me forever would serve me with divorce papers ten months after our wedding, either.”
“You know why I ended our marriage,” Colin said.
“No, I don’t. I’ve listened to all the reasons you’ve given to justify your decision, but I still don’t understand how you could walk out when you supposedly loved me. How could I be sure that you wouldn’t walk out on your child, too?”
“Because I wouldn’t,” he said simply.
He might be a lot of things, but irresponsible wasn’t one of them. Having a baby wasn’t something they’d planned, but if he’d known she was carrying his child, he would have done everything in his power to make their marriage work.
“You told me you didn’t want kids.”
He frowned, having only a vague recollection of a conversation in which she’d asked him about children. It had been shortly after their wedding, and he’d been too preoccupied with his new wife and his lost career to think about anything else. He probably had said he didn’t want them, certainly not at the time.
“Maybe I did,” he agreed. “But there’s a huge difference between the theory of a child and the reality of a little girl who is my own flesh and blood.”
Which reminded him of another issue that had nagged at the back of his mind since he’d first set eyes on Carly. He’d been stunned, not just by the fact that Nikki had had a child, but by the realization that he’d fathered the child. Because if there was one thing in his life that Colin had always been circumspect about, it was birth control.
He always used protection. Even after he and Nikki had been married, he’d kept a supply of condoms in the bedside table. He’d never made love to her without one.
Except…
“When is Carly’s birthday?” he asked abruptly.
She showed no hint of surprise at the question. “October sixth.”
He did a quick mental calculation, confirmed from her response what he’d only just begun to suspect: their child had been conceived the very last weekend they’d been together. The weekend he’d come home to bury his father.
Nikki nodded, somehow following his thoughts, confirming his conclusion.
That weekend had been hell for Colin. He’d been overwhelmed with grief and guilt, and he’d willingly lost himself in the comfort she’d offered without thought of the consequences—without thought of anything but how much he needed her. He’d taken advantage of her warmth and her compassion and her love, and then he’d walked out on her.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. The separation necessitated by his job had been difficult for both of them, and that weekend he’d finally acknowledged the truth of what his father had been saying—Nikki deserved more than a husband who was gone most of the time. She deserved so much more than he could give her.
He’d ended their marriage not because he didn’t want to be with her, but because he wanted her to have the life she deserved. A husband who could be with her, the family she’d always wanted. It had almost killed him to think of her with someone else, but he’d forced himself to walk away, to give her that chance.
At the time, he’d honestly believed he was doing what was best for Nikki. As she’d done what she had for their daughter.
So how could he blame her for keeping her pregnancy a secret when her reasons so closely paralleled his own?
Nikki finally sank down into one of the vacant kitchen chairs, obviously drained by their argument. “I think what’s more important than what either one of us did five years ago is what you want to do now.”
“I want to be a father to my daughter.”
Her hesitation spoke volumes, and had his anger rising again.
“For how long?” she finally asked. “How long are you going to stick around and actually be part of her life?”
He was so damned tired of rehashing the same argument, of feeling guilty for the decisions he’d made. Mostly he hated that he couldn’t give her a definitive answer. Because until he knew for certain that the threats against his life were past, he couldn’t promise her anything.
“I’m here now,” was all he said.
Colin left Nikki’s house with a lot of issues still unresolved but with a firm date set for him to see Carly: tomorrow.
Nikki and Carly had plans to go to the botanical gardens for a picnic in the afternoon, and Nikki had reluctantly agreed to let him tag along. They were still at odds about the “daddy” versus “uncle” matter, but Colin was so excited about actually spending some time with his daughter, he almost didn’t care what she called him.
By the time he got back to his hotel, apprehension was warring with anticipation. He knew nothing about children, less than nothing about his own child. Had he pushed the issue too soon? Had he forced all of them into a situation that none of them was prepared for?
He had to admit, it wouldn’t be the first time. When Nikki had agreed to marry him, he’d rushed her to Vegas without fully considering the magnitude of such a step. He’d loved her, but that love hadn’t been enough to sustain their marriage.
Was his pursuit of a relationship with his daughter destined to the same fate?
No, he refused to believe it. This was different. This was about his child. He’d already missed the first four-and-a-half years of her life; he refused to miss even one more day.
The ring of his cell phone was a welcome interruption from his disquieting thoughts.
“Hello?”
“Where are you?” came the impatient demand.
He recognized his agent’s voice immediately.
“I’m in Fairweather,” Colin told him.
“Didn’t you hear the news? The police arrested Duncan Parnell.”
“Yeah. Detective Brock called me last night.”
“Then why the hell are you still in Pennsylvania? Get your butt on a plane and get back here.”
“I’m not coming back,” Colin said. “Not right now, anyway.”
A long, stunned silence followed his announcement. Then Ian finally asked, “Why not?”
He didn’t even know where to begin to answer that question. “It’s a long story.”
“It’s a woman, isn’t it?” Ian didn’t wait for a response. “Dammit, Colin, haven’t I always warned you that women are the downfall of men?”
“And you have four ex-wives to prove it,” Colin finished for him. “Yeah, you’ve told me the story.”
“Obviously you weren’t listening.”
“You’re my agent, not my personal advisor. And as my agent, I need you to look into a job opportunity for me.”
“You’re not unemployed yet,” Ian reminded him. “The new owners haven’t made a decision about your contract.”
Colin ignored the protest. “There’s a new cable station launching in Fairweather in September—an all-sports channel—that’s looking for on-screen personalities.”
Ian groaned. “You don’t know anything about television.”
“Just get me an interview and a screen test.”
“You’re sure about this?”
“Positive.”
For the first time in five years, he knew exactly what he wanted, and he wasn’t going to let anything stand in his way of getting it.
Chapter 4
Nikki hung up the phone, wondering why she was surprised that Colin had bailed on their plans at the eleventh hour. And why she felt let down.
“I’m glad I didn’t tell Carly he was coming with us,” Nikki told Arden.
“He’s not?”
“No. ‘Something came up,’” she repeated his explanation scornfully.
Arden frowned. “Something that couldn’t wait?”
“Apparently not.” She wasn’t disappointed, she assured herself, she was annoyed. After all, he was the one who’d insisted on spending time with Carly. The only reason she’d agreed was that she felt backed into a corner, his casual threat about taking her to court still looming in her mind.
The biggest irony was that she’d glanced at her calendar this morning and realized it was Father’s Day. And she’d actually been pleased that Carly would, for the first time in her life, spend Father’s Day with her daddy.
“That doesn’t sound like the same man who badgered you into letting him spend the day with Carly,” Arden said.
“No,” Nikki agreed. “Although it’s not the first time he’s changed his mind about what he wants.” They both knew she was referring to the marriage Colin had ended before their first year anniversary.
“He didn’t offer any kind of explanation?”
She shook her head. “No.” Not now, and not five years ago, either. “It just doesn’t make any sense.”
Then again, not a lot about this situation did make sense. She’d once loved Colin with her heart and soul. She’d believed he loved her. Five years later, there was no hint of the tender affection they’d once shared. All that remained were bitterness, remorse and accusations—and a little girl who didn’t deserve to be at the center of their battle.
“How am I going to explain any of this to Carly?” she wondered aloud.
“She’s four years old,” Arden said gently. “She won’t require as much explanation as you think.”
“She’s going to have to be told something.”
“She’ll deal with it,” Arden said. “Kids are amazingly resilient.”
“She shouldn’t have to be resilient,” Nikki said. “She shouldn’t have her world turned upside down because of the mistakes I’ve made.”
The pitter-patter of footsteps forestalled any further conversation, and Nikki managed a smile as Carly skipped into the room.
“Mommy, I’m hungry.”
The familiar refrain transformed the forced smile into a more natural one. “You’re always hungry.”
“But it’s been a really, really long time since breakfast,” Carly said solemnly. “And my tummy is hungry for chocate chip cookies.”
“Chocate chip cookies?”
“Uh-huh,” Carly affirmed, nodding her head for emphasis.
“You know the rule—no choc-o-late—” Nikki enunciated the word “—chip cookies before lunch.”
Carly’s lower lip jutted out and her deep green eyes—eyes so much like her father’s—pleaded. “But I’m hungry.”
Nikki wrapped her arms around her daughter and pulled her onto her lap. She breathed in baby shampoo and bubble gum. The unique scent of her little girl.
“Are you okay, Mommy?”
“I’m okay.” Nikki pressed a kiss to Carly’s soft cheek. “I was just missing holding you.”
Carly wriggled to get down. “Maybe you need a chocate chip cookie, too.”
Nikki laughed as she released her. “Maybe I do. And we can both have one after our picnic.”
Colin had vowed that nothing would interfere with his plan to spend Sunday afternoon with his daughter. A single phone call had proved otherwise.
Four days later, including a day and a half of arduous and circuitous journey, he was finally back at the Courtland Hotel in Fairweather again. He sank down on the bed, wanting nothing more than a few hours of mindless slumber.
He’d barely closed his eyes when his cell phone started to ring. He should have left it in the car. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, and he definitely didn’t need any more bad news.
But what if it was Nikki?
What if something had happened to Carly?
He grabbed the phone before the third ring.
It wasn’t Nikki. It was Detective Brock calling from Texas.
Colin had forgotten that the detective had promised regular updates on the investigation. He assumed that was what this call was about.
“Do you have any new information for me?” he asked.
Brock ignored the question to ask one of his own. “Are you in Maryland?”
A chill snaked through his body. “No.”
“Then why are you registered at the Baltimore Courtland Hotel?”
He knew now that this definitely was not going to be good news. “You warned me that I might be followed,” Colin reminded him. “I checked into the hotel there as a diversionary tactic.”
“Smart move,” the detective told him. “An IED was discovered in the bed of your hotel room.”
IED. It took Colin a minute to remember the acronym: improvised explosive device—a homemade bomb.
He swallowed. “How was it found?”
Brock was silent for a long moment.
“What happened?” Colin demanded.
“Apparently one of the night managers knew the room wasn’t really in use and decided it would be the perfect place for a rendezvous with his girlfriend.”
Brock hesitated before admitting, “They were both killed.”
He closed his eyes as a fresh wave of grief, of guilt, washed over him. He’d just come back from Maria’s funeral, and now two more innocent people were dead. A man and a woman with friends and family who would gather to mourn their senseless deaths.
He closed his eyes, picturing all too clearly the grief-stricken faces of Maria’s children. Despite their tragedy, they’d been nothing but gracious, thanking him for his generosity as an employer and his consideration in taking the time to attend their mother’s funeral.
They didn’t blame him for Maria’s death. Then again, they didn’t know about Parnell’s threats. They didn’t know that he could have prevented what happened. If only he’d taken the threats seriously, if only he’d gone to the police sooner.
Now it was too late.
Was there any hope of stopping these attacks? Or would it only end with his own funeral?
The police had believed Duncan Parnell was responsible for the explosion in his apartment. Colin was less certain. Despite the threats Parnell had made, Colin didn’t believe the kid had either the guts or the know-how to build a bomb.
“I guess this blows your theory about Parnell,” Colin said. After all, Parnell could hardly have planted a bomb in Baltimore when he was in prison in Texas.
“Not necessarily,” Brock said. “The evidence suggests that both of these jobs were done by a professional.”
“Are you suggesting he put out a hit on me?” Colin almost laughed.
“All it takes is money and connections. And a complete lack of regard for human life.”
He no longer felt like laughing. “What should I do now?”
“Exactly what you’ve been doing—keeping a low profile. And you might want to notify your local police about the situation.”
“Do you think I’m in danger here?” He couldn’t bear to think that someone had followed him to Fairweather, that he might unwittingly have brought the threat into Nikki and Carly’s backyard.
“I’d say it’s unlikely. The fact that our bomber struck in Baltimore suggests he doesn’t know where you really are.”
Colin wished he could be assured of keeping it that way.
Nikki was on her way home from the grocery store Thursday night when she found herself driving by the Courtland Hotel. It wasn’t the usual route she would have taken, and she wouldn’t admit—even to herself—that she’d wanted to see if Colin’s rental car was in the lot. It was.
Impulsively she pulled into one of the visitor’s parking spaces. She found her way to room 1028 and knocked, waiting for what seemed like an eternity before he appeared at the door.
His weary eyes widened. “Nicole.”
She was startled by his appearance. His hair was disheveled, his jaw shadowed with at least two days’ growth of beard, and there were dark circles under his eyes. “Can I come in?”
He stepped back to allow her entry.
She glanced around, found that his “room” was really a suite, complete with kitchen, dining area and living room. The sofa and chairs in the sitting area were covered in an ornately textured slate-blue fabric that she guessed was silk. The tables were gleaming chrome and smoked glass.
It was a huge step up from her worn upholstery and stained carpet, and yet another reminder of the different worlds in which they lived.
“Do you want something to drink?” Colin asked.
She shook her head. “I didn’t come here for a drink. I came here for an explanation.”
“That’s what I figured.” But he didn’t say anything more for a long minute as he found a bottle of beer in the minibar and twisted off the cap.
Nikki watched his movements, fascinated by the strength and grace of those strong hands. As a player, his most notable skills had been speed and good hands. She remembered that those assets carried over to the bedroom. He’d moved fast enough to get her there, but he’d sure known how to take his time once he’d had her clothes off. And those hands weren’t just good, they were phenomenal.
She shook off the thought. She was here for a specific reason, and it wasn’t to reminisce about their sexual past. She dropped her purse on one of the end tables. “I want to know why you changed your mind about spending Sunday afternoon with Carly.”
“I didn’t change my mind.”
“That’s right,” she said scornfully. “Something came up.”
He tipped the bottle to his lips and drank deeply.
“Was that ‘something’ blond, brunette, or redhead?”
He set his bottle down carefully. “Is that what you think—that I blew off my daughter for an hour of personal pleasure?”
She refused to be swayed by his injured tone. “It’s the only explanation I could come up with for your abrupt phone call.”
“It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about on the phone.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Hell, it’s not something I want to talk about now.”
“What’s not?”
“I couldn’t make it to the picnic on Sunday because I had to go back to Texas.”
Texas. It wasn’t at all the response she’d expected, yet maybe it should have been. “You couldn’t even spend four consecutive days in this town without needing a trip to the big city?”
“I didn’t go back for kicks,” he told her. “I went to a funeral.”
She was duly chastised. “Oh.”
“Nothing else would have made me break those plans,” he told her.
His response had completely deflated her anger. “If you’d told me someone had died, I would have understood.”
“I wanted to tell you in person.”
She felt compelled to ask, even though she wasn’t sure she wanted to know, “Who was it?”
“Maria Vasquez,” he told her.
A woman. She swallowed. “Were you…very close…to her?”
“She was my cleaning lady for the past four years.”
“Oh,” she said again, strangely relieved by his response.
He took a deep breath, staring off into the distance. “Remember the explosion in my apartment—the one that you heard about on the news?”
She nodded.
“Maria was there at the time. She died from injuries sustained in blast.”
Nikki’s whole body went cold.
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Brenda Harlen
Colin McIver is back in town, and the only person who isn't thrilled by the return of the hometown hero is his ex-wife, Nikki Gordon. She just wants to know when he's leaving. Because Colin always leaves. And this time, she hopes he'll be gone before he can discover the secret she's kept hidden for five long years…their daughter, Carly!A murderous stalker is after Colin, who is seeking only solitude and anonymity. Learning about his little girl only makes him more determined to stay and win Nikki's trust again. But when danger strikes too close to home, Colin has to risk everything he holds dear to protect his family. Will his attempt cost him the woman and child he loves–forever?
“How long do you figure it will be before we end up in bed together again?”
The sheer arrogance of Colin’s question should have annoyed her, but his words—and the images they evoked—sent a quick thrill through her. But she couldn’t let him kiss her again, because if he did, she knew she’d be lost.
“You…uh…really need to go,” she said, just a little breathlessly.
Then his lips were on hers and all thoughts of further protest evaporated.
This was crazy. It was wrong. He wouldn’t stay in town for the long term. He never did. Maybe he’d come back occasionally now that he knew about Carly, but she couldn’t hope for any more than that. He’d already broken her heart once before. She could not—would not—give him that power over her again.
Dear Reader,
As always, Silhouette Intimate Moments is coming your way with six fabulously exciting romances this month, starting with bestselling Merline Lovelace, who always has The Right Stuff. This month she concludes her latest miniseries, TO PROTECT AND DEFEND, and you’ll definitely want to be there for what promises to be a slam-bang finale.
Next, pay another visit to HEARTBREAK CANYON, where award winner Marilyn Pappano knows One True Thing: that the love between Cassidy McRae and Jace Barnett is meant to be, despite the lies she’s forced to tell. Lyn Stone begins a wonderful new miniseries with Down to the Wire. Follow DEA agent Joe Corda to South America, where he falls in love—and so will you, with all the SPECIAL OPS. Brenda Harlen proves that sometimes Extreme Measures are the only way to convince your once-and-only love—and the child you never knew!—that this time you’re home to stay. When Darkness Calls, Caridad Piñeiro’s hero comes out to…slay? Not exactly, but he is a vampire, and just the kind of bad boy to win the heart of an FBI agent with a taste for danger. Finally, let new author Diana Duncan introduce you to a Bulletproof Bride, who quickly comes to realize that her kidnapper is not what he seems—and is a far better match than the fiancé she was just about to marry.
Enjoy them all—and come back next month for more of the best and most exciting romance reading around, right here in Silhouette Intimate Moments.
Yours,
Leslie J. Wainger
Executive Editor
Extreme Measures
Brenda Harlen
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
BRENDA HARLEN
grew up in a small town surrounded by books and imaginary friends. Although she always dreamed of being a writer, she chose to follow a more traditional career path first. After two years of practicing as an attorney (including an appearance in front of the Supreme Court of Canada), she gave up her “real” job to be a mom and try her hand at writing books. Three years, five manuscripts and another baby later, she sold her first book—an RWA Golden Heart Winner—to Silhouette.
Brenda lives in southern Ontario with her real-life husband/hero, two heroes-in-training and two neurotic dogs. She is still surrounded by books (“too many books,” according to her children) and imaginary friends, but she also enjoys communicating with “real” people. Readers can contact Brenda by e-mail at brendaharlen@yahoo.com or by snail mail c/o Silhouette Books, 233 Broadway, Suite 1001, New York, NY 10279.
For Angela Muirhead (aka “Joanie”) Because our friendship started a long time ago at a hockey game.
And with thanks to:
My brother, Jim, for stories and insights from the dressing room.
My husband, Neill, for research on explosives…and other things.
And Leslie Wainger and Susan Litman, for giving this story a chance, and helping to make it better.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 1
Colin McIver was back and Nikki Gordon was probably the only person in all of Fairweather, Pennsylvania, who wasn’t thrilled about the return of the hometown hero. Of course, no one else had the questionable privilege of being his ex-wife.
Why was he back?
She crossed the parking lot of the sports’ injuries clinic, scanning the article in the local newspaper she’d swiped from the staff room.
Why now?
“Hello, Nicole.”
She stopped in her tracks, her eyes still fixed on the paper in her hand although the tiny black letters blurred together. She knew that voice. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t heard it in over five years, she’d recognize it anywhere—that deep, warm tone with the underlying sensuality that still caused tingles of anticipation to dance over her skin.
But even if she hadn’t recognized the voice, she would still have known it was him. He was the only person who ever called her Nicole, and just the sound of her name on his lips was enough to bring the memories flooding back. Memories she’d tried for so long to forget.
Her heart thudded heavily in her chest, but she glanced up with forced nonchalance into familiar deep green eyes. His dark hair was cut short, his square jaw freshly shaven, his lips tipped up at the corners. His shoulders looked as broad as she remembered, the cotton shirt he wore stretched over his powerful muscles. His waist was still trim, his denim-clad legs long and lean.
He bore the usual scars of an athlete. The slightly crooked nose that had been broken three times, the small scar that slashed through one thick eyebrow, and the barely noticeable chip in his front tooth. Yet he was still the most devastatingly handsome man she’d ever met.
It had been more than five years since she’d seen him, and she hadn’t forgotten a single detail.
“Hello, Colin.”
He smiled at her, a slow, curving of the lips that caused her pulse to trip, then race.
“You look good,” he said, his eyes skimming over her. “You’ve cut your hair.”
Nikki laughed and self-consciously tucked an errant strand behind her ear. She’d had hair that fell to her waist when she and Colin were married, and he’d loved to comb his fingers through it, spread it out over the pillow—
She thrust the painfully sweet memory aside. “A long time ago.”
He tilted his head. “I like it.”
“What are you doing here, Colin?”
“Here—in Fairweather? Or here—here?”
“Both.”
“I’m here—” he indicated the physical space beside her parked car “—because I wanted to let you know I was back.”
Knowing how anxious he’d been to flee the confines of the town—and their marriage—she was more than a little surprised by his return. And completely unnerved by his sudden and unexpected appearance here. It was one thing to know he was in Fairweather, and quite another to be face-to-face with him again. “Thanks for the warning, but the press beat you to it.”
He took the newspaper she held out, winced as he scanned the headline. “‘Hometown Hero,’ huh? I guess nothing much has changed around here if this is what passes for news.”
“What did you expect?”
He studied her for a long moment. Nikki refused to shift her feet or cross her arms. She didn’t want to appear annoyed or impatient, just disinterested. Anything else might suggest she had some residual feelings for Colin, and nothing could be further from the truth. There had been a time when she’d loved him more than she’d ever thought possible, but that time was long past.
“I don’t know what I expected,” he said at last.
She forced a polite smile. “Do you plan on staying long?”
He shrugged. “A few days, anyway.”
A few days. She exhaled slowly. Whatever the reason for his return, he’d be gone in a few days and her life would settle back to normal again. Still, his presence here now made her uneasy. “Well, it was nice seeing you. Enjoy your stay.”
She started past him, halting abruptly when he reached out to put a restraining hand on her arm. The touch burned her skin, and she pulled away as if he had branded her with a hot iron.
“I need to talk to you, Nicole.”
She forced herself to swallow the fear that lodged in her throat. Why was he doing this? After more than five years of silence, why did he suddenly want to talk? Had he somehow found out—
No. She trampled that thought before it had completely formed. Whatever his reasons for coming back now, they were undoubtedly as selfish and self-centered as the reasons for everything else he’d ever done.
“I know I owe you an explanation,” he said.
She shook her head again. “Five years ago, I might have agreed. But too much time has passed for it to matter anymore.”
“Do you expect me to believe that you never think about what we meant to each other?”
“I don’t care what you believe, but I don’t spend my days reminiscing about our short-lived marriage.” She didn’t have time to think about what they’d once had or what might have been. She was too busy dealing with the reality of what was.
“I think about it,” he said. “A lot.”
The intensity in his eyes made her heart stutter. She steeled her resolve. “Is there a point to this, Colin?”
“I don’t want you to think that I didn’t care.”
“Why would I think that? Because you petitioned for divorce before our first anniversary? Or maybe because you made love to me the night before you walked out on me forever?”
She thought she saw a flicker of something in the depths of his green eyes. Hurt? Regret? She dismissed the thought.
“I had my reasons.”
“I’m sure you did.” She couldn’t quite mask the pain and bitterness that tinged her words. He had shattered her heart when he’d walked out on their marriage, and she couldn’t pretend otherwise. “I imagine it was quite inconvenient to be legally tied to a woman who lived halfway across the country.”
“Dammit, Nicole. I’m not going to let you believe our marriage was an inconvenience.”
She shrugged, as if it didn’t matter. As if this conversation didn’t bother her. As if his easy disregard of their marriage vows didn’t still hurt.
“All I’m asking for is a little of your time. Half an hour.”
The last thing she needed—or wanted—was to spend a single minute more with him, never mind thirty of them.
“Please, Nicole.”
She closed her eyes, willed herself not to respond to the quiet plea in his voice. She wanted to say no—firmly and finally—and walk away. But she couldn’t deny that there was a part of her that was curious to know why he’d tracked her down. After five years, there was still so much that she didn’t know. So much that he didn’t know.
“Half an hour,” she relented.
His quick smile did crazy things to her pulse again.
“Why don’t we go somewhere to grab a coffee?” he suggested.
“There’s a little café across the street,” Nikki told him. “I’ll meet you there after I make a quick phone call.”
Colin hesitated, then nodded.
Nikki waited until he was out of earshot before digging her cell phone out of her purse. She exhaled a sigh of relief when a familiar voice answered at the other end.
“Arden, I need a favor…”
It was only as he reached for the door of the restaurant that Colin realized he still held Nikki’s newspaper in his hand. He glanced at the headline again.
“Get out of town for a while,” Detective Brock had advised. “Go somewhere quiet. Keep a low profile.”
Good advice, but how the hell was he supposed to keep a low profile when the local media still believed he was some kind of superstar?
Colin knew better. The reality was that he’d failed at everything that had ever mattered. He’d failed as a player and a coach, and he’d failed to be the kind of husband Nikki deserved.
He shoved the paper into the garbage can and headed toward the counter, wondering if his careful planning had been compromised by that seemingly harmless headline.
He’d put his plan into action forty-eight hours earlier. The first step was a flight from Texas to Maryland, where he’d reserved a room in his own name at the Baltimore Courtland Hotel. He’d taken a cab from the airport to the hotel and checked into his room, with explicit instructions that he did not want housekeeping services. After unpacking some clothing and toiletries, he’d taken another cab to the bus terminal and paid cash for a ticket to Washington, D.C.
In Washington, he’d picked up the rental car his agent, Ian Edwards, had reserved for him. Then he’d found a small roadside motel, paid cash for the room and crashed for a few hours before driving through to Fairweather yesterday morning, where he’d checked into another Courtland hotel under Ian’s name.
He wasn’t convinced the circuitous route and subterfuge were necessary, but after what had happened in Austin he didn’t want to take any chances. If someone was looking for him, trying to track his moves, they’d be concentrating on the Baltimore area.
Unless they happened to pick up a copy of the Fairweather Gazette.
He’d told no one of his plan to return to Fairweather. It was just his bad luck that he’d run into Traci Harper as soon as he’d arrived in town yesterday afternoon. Traci was an old high-school friend, now a reporter with the Gazette. He should have anticipated that she would somehow turn a chance encounter into a news item.
His only consolation was that it was unlikely anyone outside of this smack-in-the-middle-of-nowhere town read the local rag. Few of his associates even knew he’d grown up in Fairweather, which made it the obvious place for him to find solitude and anonymity.
Or maybe what he’d really wanted to find was Nikki.
He took the two steaming mugs to a vacant table near the window, where he could see her.
He hadn’t let himself think about her until he was on the plane; he hadn’t been able to think about anything else since. After more than five years, he wouldn’t have expected that she’d figure so prominently in his thoughts.
Maybe it was the realization that he could have been killed, the stark reminder of his own mortality. Whatever the reason, he’d suddenly felt a compelling need to see her again—to explain something he still wasn’t sure he understood himself.
He watched as she disconnected her call, tucked the phone back into her purse. As she crossed the street, her short blond hair bobbed with each step.
She was dressed in casual work attire: short-sleeved sweater in a misty shade of blue, tailored pants a few shades darker, white running shoes. It wasn’t a seductive outfit by any stretch of the imagination, but he felt the familiar tug of desire, anyway. Just like the first time he’d seen her.
He’d fought it at first, refused to believe it. The coolly reserved, completely professional physiotherapist wasn’t anything at all like the women he was usually attracted to. But something inside him had recognized her as his mate.
He’d pursued her relentlessly, and when he’d finally broken through her barriers, he’d found an incredibly passionate woman—a woman who’d touched him on levels he hadn’t known existed before he met her. Whatever else might have gone wrong between them, the sex had always been phenomenal.
He shifted in his seat, cursing his body for choosing to remember that now.
“Thirty minutes,” she reminded him, sliding into the chair across from him.
He pushed one of the mugs toward her. “A little bit of cream, a half a teaspoon of sugar.” He’d remembered her preference, as he’d remembered everything about her.
She wrapped her hands around the mug, a wry smile curving her lips. “It’s been five years. A lot of things have changed in that time.”
“Some things never do,” he countered.
“Are you going to tell me the real reason you came back to Fairweather now?”
“You always did cut right to the chase.” It was one of the things he’d admired about her from the start. She’d been the first therapist assigned to work with him after the injury that had prematurely ended his career, and he’d always appreciated her straightforward approach—even when she was telling him things he didn’t want to hear.
“So why are you here?”
“I was ready for a vacation?” he suggested.
“And you chose Fairweather?” Her eyes narrowed speculatively. “Or is your sudden reappearance somehow linked to the explosion in your apartment?”
Talk about cutting to the chase. “How did you know about that?”
“It was on the news.”
Colin had caught mention of it himself during the previous evening’s sports highlights. The commentary was brief, mentioning only that police were investigating a suspected bombing at the residence of Tornadoes’ head coach Colin McIver. There was no mention of Maria Vasquez, the forty-seven-year-old mother of five, who’d been cleaning his apartment at the time and who was still fighting for her life in ICU.
“Was it a gas leak?” Nikki asked.
He only wished the explanation was something so innocuous. “The cause is still being investigated.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
“My apartment needs a little work,” he said, deliberately downplaying the situation. “But that’s only part of the reason that I decided to come back now.”
“And the other part?”
“To see you.”
She stared intently into her cup for a long moment before lifting her gaze. “Why?”
“Because I’ve spent some time in the past few weeks reevaluating my life, facing my mistakes, acknowledging my regrets.”
Her smile was sad. “Where do I fit in? A mistake? Or a regret?”
He reached across the table and covered her hand with his own. “The mistake was in letting you go.”
“You say that as if I wanted out of our marriage, but you were the one who left. You were the one who wanted the divorce.”
“I was too screwed up to know what I wanted. After my father died…” He shrugged.
“I know his death was hard on you,” she said gently. “I know you wished you’d had a chance to bridge the distance between the two of you.”
“I tried. I guess I just didn’t try hard enough.” The sense of regret, of guilt, still gnawed at him. “Did I ever tell you about the last conversation I had with him?”
She shook her head. “What happened?”
“We argued.” He smiled wryly. “It seemed like we were always arguing about something. This time it was about you.”
“Me?”
“He wanted—no, he demanded—that I give up coaching. He said it was past time for me to quit chasing a dream, to get a real job, to be the kind of husband you deserved.”
Richard McIver had berated Colin for even considering the coaching job, insisting that a woman like Nikki needed security and stability, not the kind of nomad existence his career would entail.
But without his career, Colin had nothing to offer his wife. So he’d taken the job, she’d stayed in Fairweather, and their marriage had become a casualty of geographical distance.
And his father had died as he’d lived: angry with and disappointed in his youngest son.
“I’m sorry, Colin.”
“So am I,” he said. “About so many things.”
He rubbed his thumb over her third finger, where his ring had once sat. “I thought you would have married again.”
She tugged her hand, but he didn’t release his hold.
“And I thought ‘till death do us part’ meant something longer than ten months.”
He winced at the direct hit. “I guess I deserved that.”
“What do you want me to say, Colin? Do you want me to tell you that there’s no one else in my life because I haven’t been able to forget about you? Well, I haven’t. I haven’t forgotten how devastated I was when you walked out on me, and I won’t ever risk going through that again.”
“I am sorry.”
She shrugged off his apology, glanced at her watch. “Your half hour’s almost up.”
Colin pushed back his chair and rose to his feet with her. He knew he should be grateful she’d even been willing to sit down and have a conversation with him. After five years, it was more than he’d had a right to expect. But it wasn’t nearly enough.
He walked with her across the street back to the clinic parking lot. She stopped beside her car, turned to face him. “Thanks for the coffee.”
So this was it then—the brush-off. He’d expected it, but he wasn’t prepared for it. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—believe that there was nothing left for them.
Testing her, maybe testing himself, he lifted his hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear and allowed his fingers to graze her cheek as he pulled back. He heard her sharp intake of breath, knew the casual contact had sparked something inside her. It had sure as hell stoked the fire that burned inside him.
“Is it really so easy to walk away?” he asked.
The warmth in her eyes cooled considerably. “You tell me.”
“No.” He dropped his hands to her slender waist, struggled against the impulse to pull her tight against his body. Events of the past few days had shown Colin how short life could be, and he didn’t want to waste any more time. He also knew if he moved too fast, he’d scare her off. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“But you did it.”
“I thought it was the best thing for both of us.” He stroked his hands down over her hips slowly, then back to her waist, his thumbs skimming her ribs. “Now I know I was wrong. Because even after five years, I can’t forget the way it was between us.”
“That was a long time ago, Colin.”
“It could be like that again.”
She started to shake her head.
He didn’t want to hear the protest he knew was coming, so he silenced her the most effective way he knew—with his mouth.
He felt her stiffen, but she didn’t pull away. In fact, her eyelids had just started to lower when the shrill ring of his cell phone intruded.
Later that evening, as Nikki sat alone on the front porch of her home, she would admit—if only to herself—that she’d never experienced with another man the kind of desire she’d felt just being held by Colin. The simple anticipation of his kiss had heated her blood more quickly and completely than any other man’s kisses ever had.
The physical attraction worried her. She’d never been the type of woman to let her hormones overrule her common sense. Except with Colin. The only man who could make her heart soar with a simple look, an innocent touch, was the only man who’d ever broken that same heart.
The thought terrified her, as did the realization that there was so much more at stake than just her heart this time.
She’d always known it was possible that he might come back someday. But it had been a remote concern, almost unreal, so long as he was halfway across the country. Now that he was here, she knew it was time to face the deception she’d lived with every day for the past five years.
She had to tell him. She couldn’t keep the secret any longer—she wasn’t sure she even wanted to. But knowing what she had to do didn’t make it any easier to find the right words.
Colin, you have a child.
It sounded simple enough, except that Carly was her child. Nikki was the one who’d been there every day of Carly’s life: when she’d cut her first tooth, taken her first step. She’d been the one to sit up with Carly through sleepless nights, to kiss her scraped knees, to worry over every cough and fever.
Still, she knew that biology gave him certain rights, not the least of which was the right to know he’d fathered a child. She had wanted to tell him about Carly years ago. She’d wanted to save her marriage, to be with the man she’d loved, but she’d refused to use their baby to do so. She’d loved Colin fiercely, completely, and it would have devastated her to know that he’d only stayed with her for their daughter.
So she’d kept her pregnancy a secret, consented to the divorce, and a few months later, she’d given birth to Carly.
Now he was back, and everything seemed to be spinning out of her control.
She heard the sound of a car approaching, breathed a sigh of relief that Arden was finally home from her meeting at the women’s shelter. Arden Doherty was her cousin, her roommate, and her best friend. And she was the only person Nikki could talk to about the chaos that had come to town with her ex-husband.
Nikki turned around as the vehicle pulled into the driveway. Her heart pounded frantically against her ribs as she realized it wasn’t Arden’s car. And it wasn’t her cousin who got out of the car.
It was Colin.
Her easy smile froze; panic clawed at her throat.
The shock of finding Colin outside the clinic where she worked didn’t compare to the sense of terror building inside as he moved toward the front porch of the house where she lived. Where their little girl was sleeping inside.
What was he doing here?
And more importantly, how quickly could she get him to leave?
She fought against the panic, forced her tone to remain neutral. “What are you doing here?”
He stepped onto the porch, leaned a shoulder against one of the upright posts. “Haven’t we already had this conversation today?”
“And didn’t we say everything we needed to say?” she countered.
He took a step closer, deliberately invading her personal space. “I think we have some unfinished business.”
His gaze dropped to her lips, and she knew he was thinking about kissing her again. Just as she knew she couldn’t let it happen.
She lifted her hands to his chest, intent on pushing him away. She could feel the heat of his skin through his shirt, the unyielding strength of his muscles, the thunderous beating of his heart.
“It’s been a really long day and I have to get up early in the morning and I’m sure you have things to do and if you want to get together for coffee some time on the weekend maybe we could do that, but now really isn’t…”
Her words trailed off as he skimmed his knuckles down her cheek.
“You babble when you’re nervous.” His lips curved in a slow, seductive smile that made her breath catch in her throat and her pulse race. “I like that I can still make you nervous.”
She could hardly deny it. Nor could she deny the anticipation that surged through her veins as his head lowered toward her.
Then his mouth closed over hers and a wave of desire crashed through the last, lingering vestiges of her resistance. Overwhelmed by yearning, overpowered by need, she closed her eyes and surrendered to the sweet, mindless pleasure of his kiss.
His lips were as masterful as she remembered. She’d never known anyone who could kiss like Colin, with a kind of arrogant confidence that might have been annoying if it wasn’t so darned arousing.
Her lips parted on a sigh to welcome the teasing caress of his tongue as he deepened the kiss. She hadn’t felt his arms come around her, hadn’t been aware of her own reaching for him, but suddenly they were entwined together and the press of his long, lean and very hard body sent dangerous currents racing through her. She shifted closer, the friction of the subtle movement making her skin burn, her body ache.
It had been years—five years, in fact—since she’d felt anything close to this kind of arousal. And all it took was a kiss.
Or maybe it was Colin.
She had no defenses against him. She never had. It was this fleeting thought, this reminder of their disastrous history, that finally penetrated the sensual haze fogging her brain and jolted her back to reality.
She pulled out of his arms. “I want you to go, Colin.”
“Making me leave isn’t going to make the attraction between us go away.” He brushed his thumb over the curve of her bottom lip, moist and swollen from his kiss. “The chemistry’s still there. You might not like it, but you can’t deny it.”
He was right—she couldn’t deny it. But she could, and she would, resist it. What was chemistry without staying power, anyway? Nothing more than an invitation to heartbreak—and she’d been there, done that.
She took a deliberate step back. “I have no intention of being a distraction for you while you’re in town.”
“Do you think that’s all I want?”
“I gave up trying to figure out what you wanted a long time ago.”
He moved toward her, breaching the careful distance she’d put between them. “I want you, Nicole. I’ve always wanted you.”
Her heart did a silly little flip-flop inside her chest, but she refused to show how much his words affected her. “What about me?” she countered. “What about what I want?”
“Tell me,” he said, his voice as seductive as a caress. “Tell me what you want.”
She steeled herself against the traitorous yearnings of her body, the inexplicable longing in her heart.
I want you to go.
Before she could speak, the familiar creak of the screen door snagged her attention. Every muscle in her body stiffened, her breath caught.
Colin, his eyes still focused on her own, hadn’t heard the sound. His back to the house, he couldn’t see the tiny figure standing in the doorway. But Nikki could, and she saw the whole of her universe start to crumble around her even before Carly spoke.
“Mommy?”
Chapter 2
Colin stared at the child in the doorway while his mind desperately scrambled for a plausible explanation to the scene that was unfolding in front of him. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. He felt as though he’d just been blindsided at center ice, and he was helpless to do anything as the world spun out of control around him.
“Mommy, I had a bad dream.”
He saw Nikki move toward the child, smooth a trembling hand over the little girl’s tousled blond hair.
Mommy.
Whatever he’d expected when he’d returned to Fairweather, he hadn’t expected this.
Nikki had a child.
He shook his head. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to believe it. But the relationship between the woman and the child was obvious, and triggered a multitude of other questions in his mind. Whose? When? And most heart wrenching of all—how could she have betrayed him in such a way?
Nikki didn’t spare him a glance as she crouched down beside the little girl. “What did you dream about, sweetie?”
“I don’t ’member.” Her bottom lip quivered. “I just woke up an’ I was scared.”
“It’s okay,” Nikki soothed, wrapping her arms around the child. “Mommy’s here.”
It’s been five years. A lot of things have changed in that time.
Her words echoed in his mind. Obviously a lot of things had changed, more than he ever would have expected.
Nikki had told him she’d never married again, and he’d mistakenly assumed that meant she’d never loved anyone else. The existence of this child proved otherwise.
The pain of knowing she’d been with another man, loved another man, was like losing her all over again. It was a betrayal of everything they’d shared, of all that they’d meant to each other.
You were the one who wanted the divorce.
Dammit, he hadn’t wanted the divorce. He hadn’t wanted anything more than he’d wanted to be with Nikki. But his career had made that impossible, and he couldn’t bear to see how much their separation hurt her.
So he’d said goodbye; he’d walked away. And she’d found someone else. As he stared at the blond head nestled against Nikki’s shoulder, the realization simply shattered him.
Somehow sensing his perusal, the little girl turned. The initial shock of hearing her call Nikki “Mommy” was nothing compared to the impact he felt when the child looked at him through eyes that were the mirror image of his own.
Colin grasped the railing behind him for support as a whole new wave of emotions washed over him. The most overwhelming, and the most unexpected, of them all was joy. Pure, unadulterated joy filled his heart as he stood face-to-face with his child.
His child.
There was absolutely no doubt in his mind, not the slightest hint of uncertainty in his soul. This beautiful little girl was his daughter.
She, however, obviously had no clue about his identity, because she turned to her mother and demanded, “Who’s that?”
Nikki looked from the child to him, her teeth sinking into the soft fullness of her bottom lip in what he recognized as one of her nervous gestures.
Colin waited for her response, silently daring her to deny what was now so painfully clear.
“This is—” she cleared her throat “—Uncle Shaun’s brother.”
Uncle Shaun’s brother.
The words were a double-edged sword—slashing through him with the denial of his parental relationship and the startling realization that his brother had been privy to the deception.
The child tipped her head back to study him more carefully. “Are you my uncle, too?”
At another time, Colin might have been impressed by her deductive reasoning. Now, however, he was too stunned to speak.
“Colin, can you, uh, just give me a minute? Please.”
He heard the plea in Nikki’s voice, the desperation.
He wanted an explanation and he wanted it now. After more than five years, he didn’t want to wait another minute. The numbing shock that had settled over him earlier had been supplanted by bubbling hot fury. He wanted to shout, to rage, to demand. He wanted to shake Nikki, as he’d been shaken by this revelation. But he knew that the worst thing he could do right now was confront his ex-wife about her lies in front of their daughter.
He nodded tersely.
“Come on, Carly.” Nikki put an arm around the child’s shoulders, pointedly ignoring her earlier and still unanswered question. “Mommy will tuck you back into bed.”
Colin watched them walk back into the house together, unable to tear his attention away from his little girl.
He’d never given much thought to the possibility of having a family. But faced with the indisputable evidence that he had a child, there was no doubt in his mind that he needed a chance to be her father. A real father—the kind of dad he’d never had.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he’d get that chance. He was on the run, hiding out from someone who wanted him dead. How could he pursue any kind of relationship under those circumstances? How could he expect to be her father when he might have to leave town without a moment’s notice?
This time he did hear the creak of the screen door, and he turned as Nikki came back out onto the porch. Tension radiated from her slight frame in waves, but she faced him defiantly. “Her name’s Carly. She’s four-and-a-half years old.”
“She’s mine,” Colin said.
It was a statement rather than a question, but Nikki nodded anyway. “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She looked at him, her eyes filled with sadness and regret, but she didn’t respond.
He slammed his fist against the wooden post, and Nikki flinched. “Dammit, Nicole. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He caught a glimpse of tears in her eyes before she averted her gaze.
“I think I deserve some answers.” Colin’s voice practically vibrated with tightly restrained anger. He didn’t care. He figured he was well within his rights to be angry, and the fury was more tolerable than the fear that had followed him across the country and easier to deal with than the inexplicable longing to take her in his arms.
Nikki drew in a deep breath, nodded stiffly again.
“It’s been more than five years, and you never said a word. Not one-single-goddamned word.”
A single tear slipped onto her cheek, trailed slowly downward. “I’m sorry. I never wanted you to find out this way.”
“Or maybe you never wanted me to find out at all.”
She shook her head. “I wanted to tell you—I was going to tell you.”
“You’re five years too late.”
“No.” She managed to glare at him through her tears. “You’re five years too late.”
There was just enough truth in her words to infuriate him. “Don’t try to blame this on me. You should have told me as soon as you found out you were pregnant. Or didn’t you know at the time that it was my baby?”
He wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but her already pasty cheeks paled further.
“There was never any doubt,” she said softly. “But if that’s what you think of me, then maybe it doesn’t matter what I did or should have done.”
“Maybe it doesn’t,” he agreed callously.
Nikki managed to hold back the tears until Colin had stormed off. She listened to the slam of the car door, the gunning of the engine, the squeal of tires as he pulled out of the driveway. She waited until his vehicle was out of sight before she went back inside, then she tiptoed up the stairs to check on her sleeping daughter.
She brushed the soft curls back from her forehead, then pressed a gentle kiss to one rosy cheek. Carly didn’t even stir. Whatever unpleasant dreams had disturbed her slumber earlier had obviously been banished, and she slept deeply now, contentedly.
Of course, she had no idea that her life as she’d always known it was about to change.
Or maybe not.
Colin had been shocked to learn that he had a child; he was furious that Nikki hadn’t told him about their daughter. But maybe, once he had some time to think about it, he’d decide there was no place in his life for a child. Maybe this revelation would inspire him to leave town as unexpectedly as he’d returned—forever this time.
Nikki sighed, knowing in her heart that although Colin’s disappearance might be the easiest solution to the problem, it wasn’t what she wanted for Carly. Despite the emotional scene on her porch, she was glad he’d come back, relieved he finally knew.
There had been so many times over the years when she’d wanted to call him, so many times she’d wanted to share her feelings—her hopes and dreams for their child, so many milestones she’d wished he’d been a part of.
She slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind her, and for the first time since Carly was born, she allowed herself to cry for everything she and Colin had lost. Everything their daughter had missed out on by not having her daddy in her life.
When Arden came home a short while later, Nikki’s tears were finally spent. Her cousin dropped a copy of the Fairweather Gazette on the coffee table before sitting beside Nikki on the sofa. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’ve seen him.”
Nikki shook her head.
“What happened?”
“He showed up here and Carly decided to make an impromptu appearance.”
Arden winced. “Not the best way he could have found out.”
“I know. And I know you warned me.” For the past five years, Arden had been trying to convince Nikki to contact Colin, to tell him about their daughter.
But she still believed she’d done the right thing.
Colin had made it clear that he’d wanted out of their marriage, he’d wanted to sever the ties that held them together. And a marriage was little more than a piece of paper, a legal institution. A child was flesh and blood, a lifelong responsibility. The last thing Nikki had wanted was to use their baby to try to hold on to him. She’d loved him too much to settle for less than his love in return.
“Are you okay?” Arden asked gently.
She grabbed another tissue and wiped her nose. “This morning, I thought I was in complete control of my life. Then Colin showed up and turned everything upside down.”
“You had to know he’d come back sometime.”
“I used to think he would,” she admitted. “For the first year after he’d gone, every time there was a knock at the door, I was half hopeful, half afraid, that it might be Colin. Then, as the weeks turned into months, and the months into years, I was less certain. With each passing day it became more apparent that he wasn’t coming back, until I’d convinced myself that he never would.”
“But now he has.”
“Yeah.”
“How did he react?”
“He thought…” She hesitated, surprised by how much it hurt to replay Colin’s words in her mind. She could still see the accusation in his eyes, hear the challenge in his voice. “He thought I hadn’t told him because I didn’t know if he was the father.”
“Oh, Nic.” Arden wrapped her arms around her. “You know he didn’t mean that. He’s hurting, and he lashed out. It’s a normal reaction.”
She gave a short, bitter laugh. “There’s nothing normal about this situation.”
“Give him some time.”
Somehow Nikki didn’t think any amount of time would diffuse Colin’s anger. “You have no idea how much I wish I could turn the clock back.”
“He had to be told.”
“I know.” She sighed regretfully. “I just wish I’d actually told him.”
Colin drove for a long time after he’d left Nikki’s house. Although a part of him wished he’d stayed and forced Nikki to give him the answers he needed, another part—maybe the more rational part—recognized that his emotions were running too close to the surface to be able to have a civilized conversation with her right now.
Instead, he got into his car and drove. It was a habit he’d acquired as a teenager—a way of venting steam after one or another blowup with his father—and one that was usually successful in helping him gain perspective on an issue.
Unfortunately, he was sure he could drive all the way to Texas and back and still not gain any perspective in this matter. He tried to sort out his feelings, but everything was so jumbled up inside he didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t know how he felt, how he was supposed to feel in the face of Nikki’s revelation. Mostly, he felt betrayed by the only woman he’d ever trusted with his heart.
It’s been five years. A lot has changed in that time.
Her words echoed in his mind again. She was right. A lot of things had changed—Nikki had changed. The woman he’d known, the woman he’d loved, would never have kept such a secret from him.
He still couldn’t believe she’d had a child and never told him about it.
Not just a child.
Their child.
He winced, remembering the absolute devastation he’d seen in Nikki’s eyes when he’d challenged her about not knowing the child’s paternity. He’d had no right to make such an accusation, no reason to believe she’d ever been unfaithful.
But how could she have done this to him?
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t completely innocent in this scenario. Maybe he shouldn’t have walked away from their marriage. But dammit, it wasn’t as if he’d known she was pregnant.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. Well, now he knew. But he didn’t know what he was going to do about it.
He didn’t know anything about being a father. His own had hardly been a shining example. Richard McIver had dedicated his life to the legal profession and nothing—not the woman he’d married nor the two sons she’d given him—had ever competed with his career. He’d been absent more than he’d been home, and disinterested in his children when he was around.
Now, with no warm-up, no practice, no preparation, Colin was a father.
Oh, hell. Who was he kidding? He was more of a sperm donor than a father. That was the extent of his involvement in his daughter’s life thus far. He knew nothing about her other than her age and her name. He didn’t know her birthday, her favorite color, her favorite toys.
And he didn’t know what she knew about him. What had Nikki told their daughter about her father? How had she explained his absence to their child? Did Carly hate him for not being around? Or did she understand why he hadn’t been part of her life? Did she even want a father, or would his sudden appearance be an unwanted complication?
The unfairness of the situation struck deep. It wasn’t just that he didn’t know anything about his child—he’d never been given a chance to know her. Nikki had deliberately and continuously kept the existence of their daughter a secret for almost five years. Even now, because of a disgruntled player and circumstances out of his control, he might not get a chance to stay in Fairweather long enough to know her.
He thought again of the Gazette and the possibility—remote though it seemed—that the article could compromise his cover. While a part of him welcomed the opportunity for a showdown with Parnell, a chance to end things once and for all, he wouldn’t risk that confrontation occurring where his child could get caught in the crossfire.
Whether by accident or design, as he pondered these issues he found himself driving down Meadowvale Street toward his brother’s house—the home in which they’d both lived as children. He and Shaun had been close at one time, but after he and Nikki split up, Colin had resolved to stay as far away from Fairweather and all reminders of his ex-wife as possible.
He knocked at the door, then waited with something close to apprehension for his brother to answer. He hadn’t been back since his father’s funeral, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be here now.
“My prodigal brother finally returns.” Shaun’s quick smile took the sting out of his words before he enveloped his brother in a quick hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“You, too,” Colin told him, surprised by the sudden tightness in his throat.
“This family reunion calls for a celebration,” Shaun said, leading the way into the kitchen.
“You might not think so once you find out why I’m here.”
Shaun took a couple bottles of beer out of the fridge, twisted the cap off one and passed it to his brother, then did the same to his own. “You’ve seen Nikki,” he guessed.
“And my daughter.”
“Good.”
Whatever reaction he’d expected from his brother, this wasn’t it.
“I’m glad she finally told you.” Shaun moved toward the living room.
Colin managed a smile as he followed. “That isn’t exactly what happened.”
“Oh.” Shaun propped his feet up on the coffee table—something neither one of them would have dared to do while their father was still living. “What did happen?”
“Nikki and I were having a conversation about something else entirely when Carly walked in.”
“Well.” Shaun took a pull from his bottle. “That must have been a surprise.”
“To say the least,” Colin agreed.
“Then you and Nikki argued about it,” Shaun guessed.
He nodded.
“And you walked out.”
“Yeah,” he admitted.
“I can imagine how upset you must have been, but you’re going to have to talk to her if you want to work out a schedule for visitation.”
“I don’t want visitation,” Colin said, cringing at the implications of the word.
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. He didn’t know anything about being a father, but he knew that he wanted to be a father—not just someone who passed in and out of his child’s life.
His brother shook his head. “That’s typical, isn’t it?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You never think things through, Colin. I know you’re pissed that Nikki didn’t tell you about Carly, but can you blame her?”
“Yes! I had a right to know that she was carrying my child.”
“And she had a right to expect that you’d honor the vows you’d made.”
“I did honor those vows. I never cheated on Nikki. I never even thought about another woman while we were together.”
“You weren’t even married a year.”
That was true, but what Shaun didn’t know was that it had been a long time after the divorce was final before Colin looked at another woman. Even then, it had been part of a conscious effort to forget about Nikki. A futile effort, he realized now. Because he hadn’t stopped thinking about her. Dreaming of her. Missing her.
He’d actually looked forward to receiving the final divorce papers, as if those pages could somehow eradicate his feelings for Nikki. Unfortunately, they’d failed to do so. Nothing had helped him get over his ex-wife.
The minute he’d seen Nikki striding across the parking lot, he’d known his feelings hadn’t dissolved with their marriage—they’d only been buried. It had taken just one glance to bring them back to the surface, one touch to have them churned up again. And when he’d kissed her, it was as if the five years apart had never happened, as if nothing had changed.
Except that everything had changed.
“I understand that you’re angry,” Shaun relented, “but—”
“I don’t think you can understand any of this. You didn’t just find out that you had a four-and-a-half year-old daughter.” Colin slammed his empty bottle down on the table. “Why would she keep something like this from me? Did she really think I would turn my back on my own child?”
“Nikki didn’t find out she was pregnant until after you’d told her your marriage was over.”
“I still had a right to know.”
Shaun sighed. “Why do you think I tried so hard to get you to come back here? Why do you think I made those outrageous demands in the settlement negotiations with your lawyer?”
“Because you were acting on your client’s instructions,” Colin guessed.
“Nikki didn’t want anything from you,” Shaun told him. “But I thought—I’d hoped—that you’d come back here and demand to know why she was being unreasonable. Then she would have had to tell you about the baby she was expecting.”
Colin shook his head, only now beginning to understand what he’d previously seen as his brother’s betrayal. “My lawyer told me not to sign that agreement. But the money didn’t matter to me, and I figured it was the least I could do to compensate Nikki for messing up her life.” In fact, he would have paid ten times as much in the hope that the financial settlement might assuage his guilt. It hadn’t.
“She’s never touched a dime of it,” Shaun confided. “It all went into a trust account for Carly.”
This revelation didn’t change the basic facts of the situation; it didn’t absolve his brother of culpability. Shaun had been a party to Nikki’s deception for the past five years—the two people he’d been closest to had betrayed him.
“How could you keep this from me?” he wondered aloud. “How could you not tell me I had a child?”
“It wasn’t my place to tell you. And Nikki was my client—”
“I’m your brother.”
“I couldn’t disclose information provided to me in my capacity as legal—”
“Spare me the speech on attorney-client privilege. You haven’t billed Nikki for every conversation you’ve had over the past five years.”
Shaun sighed. “I know she wanted to tell you.”
Colin raked his hands through his hair again. He’d been back in Fairweather less than forty-eight hours, and already his life bore little resemblance to the one he’d left behind in Texas.
It had been Detective Brock’s suggestion that he get away, and Colin had been grateful to do so. He was tired of always looking over his shoulder, always wondering what might be around the next corner. He’d come back to Fairweather for some downtime, to talk to his ex-wife. His plans had been simple.
Now that he was here, it seemed he’d only exchanged one set of complications for another. Nothing was simple anymore.
“What’s she like?” he asked after a long pause. Then, to clarify—and to try the name out, “Carly.”
His brother smiled. “She has your eyes, and all of the famous McIver charm.”
Colin smiled, pleased to know there was something of himself in his daughter.
“Is she…is she happy?”
“She’s an incredibly happy and well-adjusted child.”
Colin cleared his throat, to ease the sudden tightness. “Maybe she doesn’t need a father,” he said. “Not a father like me, anyway.”
“What does that mean—a father like you?”
He pushed himself up from the chair. “Just that I don’t know anything about being a father. I know nothing—less than nothing, even—about kids.”
“Most fathers are novices the first time around.”
“But…God, I’ve never even thought about having kids.”
“Well, you’d better start thinking about it,” his brother said practically. “Because you’ve got one now.”
“Did you…” Colin hesitated, almost afraid to finish the question. “Did you tell her not to tell me…about the baby?”
“No.” Shaun grinned. “In fact, I advised her to go after you for child support.”
Chapter 3
The worst thing about prison, Duncan Parnell decided, was the bed. If the narrow mattress on the steel frame bolted to the concrete floor could even be called a bed. He rolled slowly onto his back and stretched out, concentrating on his breathing as he tried to force his muscles to relax. Perspiration beaded on his forehead as he gritted his teeth against the stabbing pain.
He wished he had some of his pills, just to take the edge off. Even one pill. One pill would at least reduce the agony to a dull ache.
The guard had given him an aspirin, as if that would make a difference. He closed his eyes as the pain struck again, exhaled slowly. It was a good thing he wasn’t going to be here very long.
And when he got out, he’d make Jonesy pay for ratting him out. He didn’t doubt for a minute that it had been Jonesy who had turned on him.
McIver had picked Jonesy up from Detroit on a mid-season trade. He’d scored seven goals in his first ten games with the Tornadoes, and after Duncan’s accident, he’d been moved up to Duncan’s line to fill the vacant position. It was supposed to have been a temporary move, just until Duncan was back.
But McIver kept Jonesy in the starting line. As the team neared play-offs, Jonesy was getting at least twice the ice time Duncan got.
He’d made the mistake of shooting off his mouth in The Thirsty Duck one night after their play-off run had ended. Not to Jonesy—he and the pretty boy from Michigan weren’t that close. But Jonesy had been there, and Duncan had been furious enough to rant indiscriminately about his intention to make McIver pay.
Jonesy must’ve figured he’d be guaranteed Duncan’s place in the lineup next season if Duncan was behind bars.
And now, because of a few ill-chosen words and the subsequent explosion at McIver’s apartment, Duncan was a guest of the local correctional facility on charges of uttering threats. He knew the cops expected to pin the bombing on him. He also knew that they didn’t have any evidence against him, nor would they find any. Because he hadn’t done it.
If he’d planned to blow McIver away personally, he would have bought a gun and been done with it. He might even have enjoyed it. But no way would he have tried to build a bomb. Hell, he’d known a guy in high school who lost two fingers on one hand because he’d been playing with a firecracker.
Duncan shook his head. It was too much of a risk. His hands were his livelihood, his life. He wasn’t as big as some of the guys, he wasn’t as quick on his feet as others, but give him the puck and he could skate circles around all of them. He’d been admired for his “fast hands” since he’d started playing junior hockey at fourteen years of age. No way in hell would he risk his biggest asset.
You had to be nuts to play around with explosives.
Which is exactly what he’d told the cop who’d arrested him.
As the excruciating pain in his back eased a little, he smiled up at the bare ceiling. No, he wasn’t the type who got his kicks playing with explosives—but he knew someone who was.
And Boomer had been more than happy to take care of Duncan’s problem. He didn’t worry about being ratted out. Boomer had been in the business more than fifteen years, with only two arrests and no convictions. He was a man who took pride in his work and his reputation, and Duncan trusted him to get the job done. Which was another reason he didn’t mind being locked up right now—he’d have an irrefutable alibi when McIver’s body was found.
Nikki was up with the sun Saturday morning after a sleepless night. She knew her conversation with Colin the previous evening had barely scratched the surface of the issue, and the next round of conflict was inevitable. So she was almost relieved to find him at her door before nine o’clock.
“Where’s Carly?” Colin asked.
“She’s spending the day with Arden.”
His cool gaze narrowed on her. “I want to see my daughter.”
“I wanted to be able to discuss the…situation without being overheard.”
Her explanation didn’t seem to placate him.
Nikki didn’t care. She was only worried about how Colin’s sudden appearance would impact Carly’s life. And concerned about the void that would be left after his inevitable disappearance again. Because as much as she wanted Colin to have a relationship with Carly, she knew he wouldn’t stay in Fairweather. He’d never wanted to before; there was no reason to suspect he would now.
“Do you want some coffee?” The offer was made in an attempt to buy time rather than because she had any real desire to pump more caffeine into her system.
“Fine.”
She could tell by the clipped tone that he was still angry. Furious, in fact, and she knew she couldn’t blame him for that.
She led the way into the kitchen, then busied herself pouring coffee into two mugs while she sought the words that would explain her actions. She added a splash of cream to his, cream and sugar to her own. The task gave her another precious moment to compose herself, organize her thoughts.
She turned back to the table and handed him the mug. His fingers brushed against hers and her tenuous composition dissolved, her supposedly organized thoughts fled. She chanced a quick glance at Colin, found his eyes locked on hers, felt the heated awareness that simmered between them.
Despite the enormity of the issues unresolved, the basic attraction was still there. Like the glowing embers of a fire, stoked by that simple, accidental contact of their fingers. It was just another distraction she didn’t need right now, a complication she couldn’t afford.
“I’m still trying to understand what happened, Nicole, why—in all this time—you didn’t tell me we had a child.”
Whatever excuses she’d used to justify the deception initially, the more time that passed, the harder it became to even consider telling him about their child. And the older Carly got, the more unreal the whole situation seemed. Maybe it would have been easier when Carly was a baby, or even a toddler. But how could she track him down to tell him that he was a father—to a four-and-a-half-year-old child?
She’d always fallen back on the excuse that if Colin had cared about her at all, he would have come back. She’d clung to that justification, reveled in it. After all, he’d been the one to walk out on her. But now he was back, and she’d run out of excuses.
“I wanted to tell you,” she admitted.
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Because the day I found out that I was pregnant was the day I got served with divorce papers.” The memory of that day—both the overwhelming joy and the devastating pain—was still vivid in her mind.
“This was payback? Your way of punishing me for ending our marriage?”
She sighed wearily. “I didn’t think of it as punishment, but maybe it was. At first, anyway. I was hurt and angry, and I didn’t want to have any contact with you.”
“You couldn’t have got past your hurt and anger for two minutes at any time in five years to tell me I had a child?” he demanded.
“I tried to call you.”
“When?”
“The first time I held our baby in my arms.” Even now, thinking about that moment made her smile. “I wanted you to know about her—our beautiful, perfect little girl.”
“And?” he prompted impatiently.
“The number was no longer in service.”
Her response didn’t even slow down his attack. “Did you call directory assistance? Did you ask my brother? Did you make any effort other than that one phone call?”
“No,” she admitted.
“Why, Nic?”
“I thought I was protecting Carly.”
“How could you possibly use our child to justify your actions?”
Our child.
The words leaped at her, angry, accusing. Reminding Nikki that he had a valid and legitimate claim to the little girl that she’d kept to herself for so many years. It didn’t matter that her actions had been well-intentioned, that she’d given Carly all the love and attention and affection any child could need or want. Carly was his child, too, and she’d hurt all of them by denying it.
“What did you think you were protecting her from?” Colin demanded.
Nikki shifted her gaze, tried to keep her own temper in check. But it was hard not to respond in kind to his anger. “From being rejected by her father.”
He scowled. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your damn obsession with hockey.” She practically shouted the words at him, relieved to finally speak them aloud. To finally admit the feelings she’d kept bottled up inside her for so long.
“Obsession?” Colin echoed.
“It was all you ever talked about, all you thought about. And I didn’t think a child would fit into your plans. A wife certainly hadn’t.”
“Hockey wasn’t an obsession—it was my life.”
“I know,” she admitted, helpless to prevent the bitterness from entering her voice. “And more important to you than anything else.”
“That isn’t true.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Of course not. And we weren’t talking about my career, anyway. We were talking about why you kept my daughter from me.”
Nikki sighed. “When I first suspected that I was pregnant, I hoped that having a baby would bring us closer again. Then you decided that being married wasn’t what you wanted, and the last thing I wanted was for you to come back to me just because I was pregnant.
“I loved you too much to use our baby to hold on to you. I didn’t want you to resent me, and our child, for keeping you here when it wasn’t where you wanted to be.”
She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “And there was a part of me that was afraid it wouldn’t be enough to hold you, anyway. That you would still choose your career over your family.”
“Did you ever consider a third option—that I might have wanted to be a father to our child?”
Of course she’d considered it. When the doctor had confirmed her pregnancy, she’d fantasized about telling him. In that fantasy, Colin had been ecstatic to learn she was carrying his child. He’d shouted with joy and kissed her breathless. Then he’d taken her away and they’d lived happily ever after in a house full of children.
But the reality was that they’d married without ever talking about children. At the time, she’d been so thrilled to be Colin’s wife she hadn’t worried about anything else. She’d known she wanted to have his child some day, and she’d taken it for granted that he wanted the same thing.
When she’d finally broached the subject a couple of months later, she’d been both shocked and hurt to hear him say he didn’t want a family. But she hadn’t pursued the topic, certain he’d change his mind over time.
Being served with a petition for divorce had effectively annihilated that fantasy. Still, she knew now that she’d been wrong to blame him for destroying a dream he couldn’t have known about. And after a long minute of agonizing silence, she finally whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry that I found out?”
She shook her head, blinked back tears. “Sorry that I didn’t try to tell you sooner. Regardless of what happened between us, you are her father and you had a right to know.”
Colin remained silent.
“I am sorry,” she said, surprised at how good it felt to say those words. “I never meant to hurt you or Carly by keeping my pregnancy a secret. And I’m sorry that’s what happened.”
“So am I.”
“What do you want me to do now?” she asked helplessly. “I’ve apologized. I’ve tried to make you understand why I made the decisions I did. Okay, so maybe I screwed up. Maybe I should have done things differently. But it’s too late to change that now.”
When he finally spoke, his tone was ripe with bitterness and accusation. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for this.”
“We both made mistakes,” she reminded him. “Can’t we just admit that and move on?”
“I don’t know how to get past your lies, your deception.”
Nikki again felt the sting of tears behind her eyes.
“Does Carly know anything about me?”
“She’s only started to ask questions about her dad,” Nikki admitted. “I’ve told her as much as I can without lying to her.”
His eyes narrowed. “What have you told her?”
“That he didn’t live with us because he worked in Texas.”
He seemed to consider her explanation for a long moment.
“It’s not a big deal to her,” Nikki explained. “A lot of her friends live in single-parent families.”
“It’s a big deal to me,” he said.
“That’s not what I meant. I was only trying to explain that she hasn’t missed not having a father.”
“Does that help you sleep at night—believing she doesn’t need a father?”
“I didn’t say she didn’t need a father,” she said wearily. “In a perfect world, every child would have two parents who love her. But this isn’t a perfect world, and I’ve done the best that I can for Carly.”
“Then where do I fit in?”
Nikki hesitated, knowing that her response was only going to infuriate him even more. But she’d thought about that question all night, and she was determined to put her daughter’s interests first. “I don’t want you forcing your way into her life if you don’t plan on staying. It would be worse for Carly to find her father and lose him, than never to have a father at all.”
“Why is that your decision to make?” Colin challenged.
“Because she’s my daughter and I don’t want her to be hurt.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she recognized her mistake. Of course, it was already too late.
“She’s my daughter, too,” he shot back. “And I want to be part of her life. I want her to know who I am.”
“You want her to call you ‘Daddy’?”
“I am her father,” he reminded her.
“You can’t expect to show up, after five years, and—”
“I might have shown up sooner,” he pointed out coldly, “if I’d known about my child.”
“Might being the operative word,” Nikki shot back.
“In any event,” Colin continued, his tone icy, “I don’t think you’re in any position to put conditions on my relationship with Carly.”
“I’m the one who will have to deal with the fallout when you’re not around anymore.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“What happens if your contract is renewed in Texas?”
“I’m not going to debate with you about something that might or might not happen,” he said.
“She’s the one who’ll be hurt when you leave town again.”
“Why are you so quick to assume that I’d abandon her?”
Nikki looked away. She was afraid for Carly, but she was also afraid for herself. Colin affected her as no other man ever had, and she couldn’t bear to see him walk out on her again. And she knew that he would leave. Sooner or later, Colin always left.
“Because you’re always looking for something better. And when a situation becomes a little too difficult, you walk away rather than trying to make it work.”
“Are you still talking about Carly?” he asked. “Or us?”
Nikki flushed. “Obviously our history has colored my perceptions, but you can’t blame me for wanting to protect Carly.”
“I would never hurt her, Nikki.”
I would never hurt you, Nikki. Yes, she’d heard those words before. She’d even believed them at one time. Not anymore.
“If you really want to be her father, you have to start thinking about what’s best for Carly. You need to consider how it will affect her when you walk out of her life as abruptly as you’ve walked into it.”
“Dammit, Nicole. What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do to prove that I’m committed?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “But you don’t get to call yourself her father until you’re ready to take the responsibility of being a father.”
“Maybe we should see what a family-court judge says about it.”
The words, once they’d been spoken, surprised Colin as much as they surprised Nikki. He certainly hadn’t come over here this morning with the intention of threatening to take her to court. But he should have expected the unexpected—nothing had gone according to plan since he’d walked back into this town.
And although he was tempted to follow through on the threat, to force Nikki to accept him as part of Carly’s life, he knew he couldn’t. Court documents were a matter of public record, accessible to anyone who cared to look. Filing a legal claim to his daughter would not only announce his location to the world but potentially endanger Carly as well.
Despite Detective Brock’s phone call last night advising of Duncan Parnell’s arrest, Colin remained wary. Unless and until Parnell signed a confession, he couldn’t let himself believe the threat had passed. He couldn’t let his guard down for a minute, which meant he couldn’t sue for custody of his child.
But Nikki didn’t know this, and her face drained of all color in response to his impulsive statement. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Don’t tempt me,” he warned.
She blinked back the tears that shimmered in her eyes. “I’m only trying to do what’s best for Carly. Why can’t you see that?”
“How can not knowing her father be best?”
“It has to be better than knowing he didn’t care enough to stick around.”
He raked his fingers through his hair. “Dammit, Nikki. I didn’t know you were pregnant.”
“And I didn’t think you’d care!”
Her outburst, and the depth of her anger, stunned him into silence for a moment.
“How could you think that?” he asked at last. “How could you think I’d walk away from my child?”
“I didn’t know what to think,” Nikki said bluntly. “But I didn’t think the man who’d told me he’d love me forever would serve me with divorce papers ten months after our wedding, either.”
“You know why I ended our marriage,” Colin said.
“No, I don’t. I’ve listened to all the reasons you’ve given to justify your decision, but I still don’t understand how you could walk out when you supposedly loved me. How could I be sure that you wouldn’t walk out on your child, too?”
“Because I wouldn’t,” he said simply.
He might be a lot of things, but irresponsible wasn’t one of them. Having a baby wasn’t something they’d planned, but if he’d known she was carrying his child, he would have done everything in his power to make their marriage work.
“You told me you didn’t want kids.”
He frowned, having only a vague recollection of a conversation in which she’d asked him about children. It had been shortly after their wedding, and he’d been too preoccupied with his new wife and his lost career to think about anything else. He probably had said he didn’t want them, certainly not at the time.
“Maybe I did,” he agreed. “But there’s a huge difference between the theory of a child and the reality of a little girl who is my own flesh and blood.”
Which reminded him of another issue that had nagged at the back of his mind since he’d first set eyes on Carly. He’d been stunned, not just by the fact that Nikki had had a child, but by the realization that he’d fathered the child. Because if there was one thing in his life that Colin had always been circumspect about, it was birth control.
He always used protection. Even after he and Nikki had been married, he’d kept a supply of condoms in the bedside table. He’d never made love to her without one.
Except…
“When is Carly’s birthday?” he asked abruptly.
She showed no hint of surprise at the question. “October sixth.”
He did a quick mental calculation, confirmed from her response what he’d only just begun to suspect: their child had been conceived the very last weekend they’d been together. The weekend he’d come home to bury his father.
Nikki nodded, somehow following his thoughts, confirming his conclusion.
That weekend had been hell for Colin. He’d been overwhelmed with grief and guilt, and he’d willingly lost himself in the comfort she’d offered without thought of the consequences—without thought of anything but how much he needed her. He’d taken advantage of her warmth and her compassion and her love, and then he’d walked out on her.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. The separation necessitated by his job had been difficult for both of them, and that weekend he’d finally acknowledged the truth of what his father had been saying—Nikki deserved more than a husband who was gone most of the time. She deserved so much more than he could give her.
He’d ended their marriage not because he didn’t want to be with her, but because he wanted her to have the life she deserved. A husband who could be with her, the family she’d always wanted. It had almost killed him to think of her with someone else, but he’d forced himself to walk away, to give her that chance.
At the time, he’d honestly believed he was doing what was best for Nikki. As she’d done what she had for their daughter.
So how could he blame her for keeping her pregnancy a secret when her reasons so closely paralleled his own?
Nikki finally sank down into one of the vacant kitchen chairs, obviously drained by their argument. “I think what’s more important than what either one of us did five years ago is what you want to do now.”
“I want to be a father to my daughter.”
Her hesitation spoke volumes, and had his anger rising again.
“For how long?” she finally asked. “How long are you going to stick around and actually be part of her life?”
He was so damned tired of rehashing the same argument, of feeling guilty for the decisions he’d made. Mostly he hated that he couldn’t give her a definitive answer. Because until he knew for certain that the threats against his life were past, he couldn’t promise her anything.
“I’m here now,” was all he said.
Colin left Nikki’s house with a lot of issues still unresolved but with a firm date set for him to see Carly: tomorrow.
Nikki and Carly had plans to go to the botanical gardens for a picnic in the afternoon, and Nikki had reluctantly agreed to let him tag along. They were still at odds about the “daddy” versus “uncle” matter, but Colin was so excited about actually spending some time with his daughter, he almost didn’t care what she called him.
By the time he got back to his hotel, apprehension was warring with anticipation. He knew nothing about children, less than nothing about his own child. Had he pushed the issue too soon? Had he forced all of them into a situation that none of them was prepared for?
He had to admit, it wouldn’t be the first time. When Nikki had agreed to marry him, he’d rushed her to Vegas without fully considering the magnitude of such a step. He’d loved her, but that love hadn’t been enough to sustain their marriage.
Was his pursuit of a relationship with his daughter destined to the same fate?
No, he refused to believe it. This was different. This was about his child. He’d already missed the first four-and-a-half years of her life; he refused to miss even one more day.
The ring of his cell phone was a welcome interruption from his disquieting thoughts.
“Hello?”
“Where are you?” came the impatient demand.
He recognized his agent’s voice immediately.
“I’m in Fairweather,” Colin told him.
“Didn’t you hear the news? The police arrested Duncan Parnell.”
“Yeah. Detective Brock called me last night.”
“Then why the hell are you still in Pennsylvania? Get your butt on a plane and get back here.”
“I’m not coming back,” Colin said. “Not right now, anyway.”
A long, stunned silence followed his announcement. Then Ian finally asked, “Why not?”
He didn’t even know where to begin to answer that question. “It’s a long story.”
“It’s a woman, isn’t it?” Ian didn’t wait for a response. “Dammit, Colin, haven’t I always warned you that women are the downfall of men?”
“And you have four ex-wives to prove it,” Colin finished for him. “Yeah, you’ve told me the story.”
“Obviously you weren’t listening.”
“You’re my agent, not my personal advisor. And as my agent, I need you to look into a job opportunity for me.”
“You’re not unemployed yet,” Ian reminded him. “The new owners haven’t made a decision about your contract.”
Colin ignored the protest. “There’s a new cable station launching in Fairweather in September—an all-sports channel—that’s looking for on-screen personalities.”
Ian groaned. “You don’t know anything about television.”
“Just get me an interview and a screen test.”
“You’re sure about this?”
“Positive.”
For the first time in five years, he knew exactly what he wanted, and he wasn’t going to let anything stand in his way of getting it.
Chapter 4
Nikki hung up the phone, wondering why she was surprised that Colin had bailed on their plans at the eleventh hour. And why she felt let down.
“I’m glad I didn’t tell Carly he was coming with us,” Nikki told Arden.
“He’s not?”
“No. ‘Something came up,’” she repeated his explanation scornfully.
Arden frowned. “Something that couldn’t wait?”
“Apparently not.” She wasn’t disappointed, she assured herself, she was annoyed. After all, he was the one who’d insisted on spending time with Carly. The only reason she’d agreed was that she felt backed into a corner, his casual threat about taking her to court still looming in her mind.
The biggest irony was that she’d glanced at her calendar this morning and realized it was Father’s Day. And she’d actually been pleased that Carly would, for the first time in her life, spend Father’s Day with her daddy.
“That doesn’t sound like the same man who badgered you into letting him spend the day with Carly,” Arden said.
“No,” Nikki agreed. “Although it’s not the first time he’s changed his mind about what he wants.” They both knew she was referring to the marriage Colin had ended before their first year anniversary.
“He didn’t offer any kind of explanation?”
She shook her head. “No.” Not now, and not five years ago, either. “It just doesn’t make any sense.”
Then again, not a lot about this situation did make sense. She’d once loved Colin with her heart and soul. She’d believed he loved her. Five years later, there was no hint of the tender affection they’d once shared. All that remained were bitterness, remorse and accusations—and a little girl who didn’t deserve to be at the center of their battle.
“How am I going to explain any of this to Carly?” she wondered aloud.
“She’s four years old,” Arden said gently. “She won’t require as much explanation as you think.”
“She’s going to have to be told something.”
“She’ll deal with it,” Arden said. “Kids are amazingly resilient.”
“She shouldn’t have to be resilient,” Nikki said. “She shouldn’t have her world turned upside down because of the mistakes I’ve made.”
The pitter-patter of footsteps forestalled any further conversation, and Nikki managed a smile as Carly skipped into the room.
“Mommy, I’m hungry.”
The familiar refrain transformed the forced smile into a more natural one. “You’re always hungry.”
“But it’s been a really, really long time since breakfast,” Carly said solemnly. “And my tummy is hungry for chocate chip cookies.”
“Chocate chip cookies?”
“Uh-huh,” Carly affirmed, nodding her head for emphasis.
“You know the rule—no choc-o-late—” Nikki enunciated the word “—chip cookies before lunch.”
Carly’s lower lip jutted out and her deep green eyes—eyes so much like her father’s—pleaded. “But I’m hungry.”
Nikki wrapped her arms around her daughter and pulled her onto her lap. She breathed in baby shampoo and bubble gum. The unique scent of her little girl.
“Are you okay, Mommy?”
“I’m okay.” Nikki pressed a kiss to Carly’s soft cheek. “I was just missing holding you.”
Carly wriggled to get down. “Maybe you need a chocate chip cookie, too.”
Nikki laughed as she released her. “Maybe I do. And we can both have one after our picnic.”
Colin had vowed that nothing would interfere with his plan to spend Sunday afternoon with his daughter. A single phone call had proved otherwise.
Four days later, including a day and a half of arduous and circuitous journey, he was finally back at the Courtland Hotel in Fairweather again. He sank down on the bed, wanting nothing more than a few hours of mindless slumber.
He’d barely closed his eyes when his cell phone started to ring. He should have left it in the car. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, and he definitely didn’t need any more bad news.
But what if it was Nikki?
What if something had happened to Carly?
He grabbed the phone before the third ring.
It wasn’t Nikki. It was Detective Brock calling from Texas.
Colin had forgotten that the detective had promised regular updates on the investigation. He assumed that was what this call was about.
“Do you have any new information for me?” he asked.
Brock ignored the question to ask one of his own. “Are you in Maryland?”
A chill snaked through his body. “No.”
“Then why are you registered at the Baltimore Courtland Hotel?”
He knew now that this definitely was not going to be good news. “You warned me that I might be followed,” Colin reminded him. “I checked into the hotel there as a diversionary tactic.”
“Smart move,” the detective told him. “An IED was discovered in the bed of your hotel room.”
IED. It took Colin a minute to remember the acronym: improvised explosive device—a homemade bomb.
He swallowed. “How was it found?”
Brock was silent for a long moment.
“What happened?” Colin demanded.
“Apparently one of the night managers knew the room wasn’t really in use and decided it would be the perfect place for a rendezvous with his girlfriend.”
Brock hesitated before admitting, “They were both killed.”
He closed his eyes as a fresh wave of grief, of guilt, washed over him. He’d just come back from Maria’s funeral, and now two more innocent people were dead. A man and a woman with friends and family who would gather to mourn their senseless deaths.
He closed his eyes, picturing all too clearly the grief-stricken faces of Maria’s children. Despite their tragedy, they’d been nothing but gracious, thanking him for his generosity as an employer and his consideration in taking the time to attend their mother’s funeral.
They didn’t blame him for Maria’s death. Then again, they didn’t know about Parnell’s threats. They didn’t know that he could have prevented what happened. If only he’d taken the threats seriously, if only he’d gone to the police sooner.
Now it was too late.
Was there any hope of stopping these attacks? Or would it only end with his own funeral?
The police had believed Duncan Parnell was responsible for the explosion in his apartment. Colin was less certain. Despite the threats Parnell had made, Colin didn’t believe the kid had either the guts or the know-how to build a bomb.
“I guess this blows your theory about Parnell,” Colin said. After all, Parnell could hardly have planted a bomb in Baltimore when he was in prison in Texas.
“Not necessarily,” Brock said. “The evidence suggests that both of these jobs were done by a professional.”
“Are you suggesting he put out a hit on me?” Colin almost laughed.
“All it takes is money and connections. And a complete lack of regard for human life.”
He no longer felt like laughing. “What should I do now?”
“Exactly what you’ve been doing—keeping a low profile. And you might want to notify your local police about the situation.”
“Do you think I’m in danger here?” He couldn’t bear to think that someone had followed him to Fairweather, that he might unwittingly have brought the threat into Nikki and Carly’s backyard.
“I’d say it’s unlikely. The fact that our bomber struck in Baltimore suggests he doesn’t know where you really are.”
Colin wished he could be assured of keeping it that way.
Nikki was on her way home from the grocery store Thursday night when she found herself driving by the Courtland Hotel. It wasn’t the usual route she would have taken, and she wouldn’t admit—even to herself—that she’d wanted to see if Colin’s rental car was in the lot. It was.
Impulsively she pulled into one of the visitor’s parking spaces. She found her way to room 1028 and knocked, waiting for what seemed like an eternity before he appeared at the door.
His weary eyes widened. “Nicole.”
She was startled by his appearance. His hair was disheveled, his jaw shadowed with at least two days’ growth of beard, and there were dark circles under his eyes. “Can I come in?”
He stepped back to allow her entry.
She glanced around, found that his “room” was really a suite, complete with kitchen, dining area and living room. The sofa and chairs in the sitting area were covered in an ornately textured slate-blue fabric that she guessed was silk. The tables were gleaming chrome and smoked glass.
It was a huge step up from her worn upholstery and stained carpet, and yet another reminder of the different worlds in which they lived.
“Do you want something to drink?” Colin asked.
She shook her head. “I didn’t come here for a drink. I came here for an explanation.”
“That’s what I figured.” But he didn’t say anything more for a long minute as he found a bottle of beer in the minibar and twisted off the cap.
Nikki watched his movements, fascinated by the strength and grace of those strong hands. As a player, his most notable skills had been speed and good hands. She remembered that those assets carried over to the bedroom. He’d moved fast enough to get her there, but he’d sure known how to take his time once he’d had her clothes off. And those hands weren’t just good, they were phenomenal.
She shook off the thought. She was here for a specific reason, and it wasn’t to reminisce about their sexual past. She dropped her purse on one of the end tables. “I want to know why you changed your mind about spending Sunday afternoon with Carly.”
“I didn’t change my mind.”
“That’s right,” she said scornfully. “Something came up.”
He tipped the bottle to his lips and drank deeply.
“Was that ‘something’ blond, brunette, or redhead?”
He set his bottle down carefully. “Is that what you think—that I blew off my daughter for an hour of personal pleasure?”
She refused to be swayed by his injured tone. “It’s the only explanation I could come up with for your abrupt phone call.”
“It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about on the phone.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Hell, it’s not something I want to talk about now.”
“What’s not?”
“I couldn’t make it to the picnic on Sunday because I had to go back to Texas.”
Texas. It wasn’t at all the response she’d expected, yet maybe it should have been. “You couldn’t even spend four consecutive days in this town without needing a trip to the big city?”
“I didn’t go back for kicks,” he told her. “I went to a funeral.”
She was duly chastised. “Oh.”
“Nothing else would have made me break those plans,” he told her.
His response had completely deflated her anger. “If you’d told me someone had died, I would have understood.”
“I wanted to tell you in person.”
She felt compelled to ask, even though she wasn’t sure she wanted to know, “Who was it?”
“Maria Vasquez,” he told her.
A woman. She swallowed. “Were you…very close…to her?”
“She was my cleaning lady for the past four years.”
“Oh,” she said again, strangely relieved by his response.
He took a deep breath, staring off into the distance. “Remember the explosion in my apartment—the one that you heard about on the news?”
She nodded.
“Maria was there at the time. She died from injuries sustained in blast.”
Nikki’s whole body went cold.
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Brenda Harlen
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Современная зарубежная литература
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: Colin McIver is back in town, and the only person who isn′t thrilled by the return of the hometown hero is his ex-wife, Nikki Gordon. She just wants to know when he′s leaving. Because Colin always leaves. And this time, she hopes he′ll be gone before he can discover the secret she′s kept hidden for five long years…their daughter, Carly!A murderous stalker is after Colin, who is seeking only solitude and anonymity. Learning about his little girl only makes him more determined to stay and win Nikki′s trust again. But when danger strikes too close to home, Colin has to risk everything he holds dear to protect his family. Will his attempt cost him the woman and child he loves–forever?