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If Wishes Were Horses...
Judith Duncan


The cry for help came at night, during final roundup. But nothing could prevent Conner Calhoun from rescuing his brother' s widow and her two children. From the moment he' d laid eyes on Abigail, he' d wanted her, but she wasn' t his to have. And now he' d moved his forbidden love onto his ranch, where the secret between them had nowhere to hide….Every time he tousled Cody' s hair, every time he cuddled little Miss Sarah, he was reminded of impossible wishes… and a gift given out of love. But honor demanded he not claim for his own what was never meant to be– unless, of course, Abby wanted the same thing… .









Heartache? He could write volumes on it.


Conner crossed to the highboy, his gaze snagging on a grouping of three framed photographs. He picked up one, his chest tightening as he studied the picture. It was a snapshot of Abby, one he had taken years ago. She was laughing at him, the wind molding the soft folds of her dress against her protruding belly. When that photograph had been taken, she was pregnant with Cody, and everything that Abby was, was captured in that picture.

Yeah, he could write a book on heartache, all right. And secrets? He had ’em by the truckload. Most of them were stored up in a whole lot of pain. But there was one that gave him comfort. And it was a secret he would take to his grave without ever giving it up.

He touched the face in the snapshot, the hole in his chest getting bigger. No one would ever know that the baby she carried in this picture wasn’t his brother’s.

It was his.


Dear Reader,

Once again, we’ve rounded up six exciting romances to keep you reading all month, starting with the latest installment in Marilyn Pappano’s HEARTBREAK CANYON miniseries. The Sheriff’s Surrender is a reunion romance with lots of suspense, lots of passion—lots of emotion—to keep you turning the pages. Don’t miss it.

And for all of you who’ve gotten hooked on A YEAR OF LOVING DANGEROUSLY, we’ve got The Way We Wed. Pat Warren does a great job telling this tale of a secret marriage between two SPEAR agents who couldn’t be more different—or more right for each other. Merline Lovelace is back with Twice in a Lifetime, the latest saga in MEN OF THE BAR H. How she keeps coming up with such fabulous books, I’ll never know—but I do know we’re all glad she does. Return to the WIDE OPEN SPACES of Alberta, Canada, with Judith Duncan in If Wishes Were Horses…. This is the kind of book that will have you tied up in emotional knots, so keep the tissues handy. Cheryl Biggs returns with Hart’s Last Stand, a suspenseful romance that will keep you turning the pages at a furious clip. Finally, don’t miss the debut of a fine new voice, Wendy Rosnau. A Younger Woman is one of those irresistible stories, and it’s bound to establish her as a reader favorite right out of the starting gate.

Enjoy them all, then come back next month for more of the best and most exciting romance reading around—only in Silhouette Intimate Moments.

Yours,






Leslie J. Wainger

Executive Senior Editor




If Wishes Were Horses…

Judith Duncan





www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)




JUDITH DUNCAN


is married and lives, along with her husband, in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. A staunch supporter of anyone wishing to become a published writer, she has lectured extensively in Canada and the United States. Currently she is involved with the Alberta Romance Writers Association, an organization she helped to found.




Contents


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Epilogue




Chapter 1


The sun blazed in the bright blue cloudless sky and beat down on the rolling rangeland, the relentless heat shimmering up in waves. The hills and gullies lay like enormous, heaving wrinkles in the earth’s surface, the folds held in place by the sharply defined mountains rising up in the west. A vast cloud of dust hung in the air, forming a golden aura that cloaked the landscape and distorted the horizon. Overhead, two red-tailed hawks circled, watching for unwary gophers.

The bawling of calves and the shouts of cowhands carried in the thin mountain air, echoing in the crystal clarity. Hundreds of white-faced cows and their spring calves plodded onward through the rolling terrain, marshalled into a long meandering column by watchful riders. The cloud of yellow dust hung suspended above the undulating herd, the fine grit coating the newly unfurled leaves of the cottonwoods and wolf willow, finally settling on the new shoots of grass struggling through last year’s thatch.

It was spring roundup on the Cripple Creek Ranch, and it was a scene that had been played out over a hundred times before. Nothing much had changed, except the faces of the riders. It was a scene that was as much a part of the rolling country as were the great cottonwoods standing tall along the winding creek.

Conner Calhoun pulled up his mount at the crest of the small hill, giving the reins a light jerk as the big buckskin gelding danced and tossed his head. With his gaze fixed on the rim of a far-off ravine, he reached down and flipped open the case strapped on his belt and removed a cell phone. Not taking his eyes off the dark shapes, he hit the redial button, waited, then spoke into the mouthpiece. “Jake, there’s four or five strays heading for the south ravine. Send Bud with one of the dogs to bring ’em in.”

Conner watched a rider and one dog break from the main herd, then replaced the phone in the case. His horse threw his head again and impatiently tugged at the reins, and Conner gave him a second command, then settled back in the saddle. The slant of the late afternoon sun angled beneath the brim of his Stetson, and he squinted against it, the taste of dust drying in his mouth as he surveyed the state of his grassland.

It was dry—too damned dry—but thick cumulous clouds were racking up behind the jagged ridge of the Rocky Mountains, and Conner could almost taste the rain in that cloud bank. There had been very little snow during the winter, with one Chinook after another drying out the soil. It was the first of June, and they hadn’t had one really good rain since the snow-pack had melted. There had been just enough to keep the grass going, but his grazing land needed a good soaking, and soon. Unless he missed his guess, one was on the way—even the animals could sense it.

A series of shrill whistles pierced the din, and Conner’s attention shifted as the point man gave the signals to two hardworking Border collies to move up and turn the lead cows into a narrow draw. Three other riders also moved up, hazing the outside stragglers back into the ranks and crowding the herd into the gully, forcing them through the natural funnel. The lead cows, heads swinging, calves crowded against their sides, lumbered through the wide gate, while other riders flanked the herd, trying to prevent any of the range-wary animals from bolting.

The move today was the last stage of the roundup. Over the past couple of weeks, the Cripple Creek cowhands had collected cattle from the winter range. The steers and bulls had been driven onto the summer range and the remaining cows and calves were driven here, onto the home pasture for spring branding. Beyond the gate and hidden from view in a natural holding area, additional Cripple Creek hands were making the final repairs to the vast network of corrals, preparing for the job ahead. Today was the final drive. The cut would take place the following day, when the calves would be separated from their mothers. Then the day after that, the backbreaking work would begin. Tagging, vaccinating and branding each spring calf, and dehorning and castrating those that needed it. A rancher’s entire year and the viability of the herd revolved around that operation. And Cripple Creek’s future and fortunes depended on it.

And had for over a hundred and twenty years.

A strange feeling unfolded in Conner’s chest as he considered the history behind him. He surveyed the herd, his gaze snagging on the ragged line of old cottonwoods snaking through the valley below.

Sometimes he felt a real kinship with those big old trees. They had stood tall along Cripple Creek for decades—big, indestructible, able to withstand any storm. He respected their tenacity and durability. It was as if they were the silent sentinels, watching over Calhoun land. As if they were a fundamental part of it all.

Just as he was. For forty years, he had breathed this clean mountain air and tasted Cripple Creek dust. Yeah, this land was as much a part of him, as he would, eventually, become a part of it.

He had been born in the huge old Victorian ranch house, and he had spent his entire life in this part of southwestern Alberta, rooted in this ranching country. In fact, the Calhouns had been one of the original settlers in these parts, one of the American families who had been given huge land grants by the British Crown as an inducement to settle the rolling uncharted land. And there were many descendants of the settling families who still ranched in the district—the McCalls, the Ralstons, the Stewards, the Calhouns.

Because of that inducement, his forefathers had come here and put down roots, just like those old cottonwoods. His ancestors had been running huge herds of cattle when that part of western Canada was still a territory. And the Calhouns had been there ever since. Still ranching, still running huge herds of cattle, still part of the never-ending landscape. And although he would never admit it to a living soul, Conner considered it both an honor and a privilege to carry on that heritage—as had his father before him, his grandfather before that, and his great grandfather before that. He felt he had a responsibility to all those who had gone before him, to provide good stewardship of this land.

Impatient with his rider’s stillness, the big gelding pranced and yanked on the bit, his hooves striking against a rocky outcropping. A small twist of humor lifted the corner of Conner’s mouth, and he reached forward and patted his mount’s neck. “Getting antsy, are you, old boy?” Big Mac tossed his head and pranced again, and Conner responded with another half smile. He got the message. Big Mac had been on enough roundups to know his owner had picked one helluvah time to go woolgathering, when a year’s crop of calves and their mommas were heading toward the home pasture.

Picking up the reins, Conner cued his mount forward, and Big Mac instantly responded, lunging down the hill, stirring up more dust as he headed toward two stragglers grazing down by a ring of willows. Conner grinned. Right on the money. He’d had cowhands who weren’t as smart as this horse.

By the time Conner was ready to pack it in for the day, the sun had settled behind the horizon, setting the gathering clouds on fire. He had been in the saddle since dawn, and he was feeling every second of it. It had been a very long day, and he’d had his fill of range-ornery cows, heat, dust and, most of all, the new saddle he was using. A damned stupid thing to do—to use a brand-new saddle on a cattle drive. But his foreman had a bad hip, and his favorite old roping saddle suited Jake better. The good thing was that Conner’s butt had gone numb hours ago.

Turning Big Mac in a pivot, Conner did another pass of the herd, narrowing his eyes in the fading light as he surveyed the cattle, relying on his years of experience to detect anything amiss. Satisfied that all was as it should be, he turned his mount toward the lone figure of his foreman hanging over the pole gate at the north side of the pasture.

The effects of a fourteen-hour day in the saddle and some hard riding immediately piled in on him, and Conner wearily rolled his shoulders and glanced toward the western horizon. From the fading colors of the sunset, he figured it had to be after 9:30 p.m., maybe even later. Damn. Another day gone.

He shifted against the stiffness and rested his free hand on his thigh, thinking how the time had disappeared. There just weren’t enough hours in the day this time of year. It had been the better part of a week since he had made it into Bolton to visit his stepmother, and there was just no excuse for that. Although she tried not to show it, he knew that Mary worried if she hadn’t heard from him in awhile. And worrying about him was the last thing she needed.

She was only in her late sixties, but she had been fighting arthritis for many years, and a couple of years ago, she had decided to move into an assisted-care facility in Bolton. He had wanted to get home care for her so she could stay on the ranch, but Mary had been adamant.

And even though it was her decision to move into Bolton, Conner knew that she missed Cripple Creek, especially at this time of year. She had played an active part on the ranch for a lot of years, and had gone on more than her fair share of cattle drives. A skilled and fearless horsewoman, she could ride with the best of them. Though the choice to leave had been hers, he knew her heart was still here, planted in Cripple Creek soil.

Beginning to feel as if he’d gone a few rounds with a bucking bronc, Conner pulled a bandanna from his back pocket and wiped the dust and sweat from his face, then jammed it back in his pocket. He recalled a bright yellow patch of buffalo beans he’d seen at the edge of the driveway, and he made a mental note to pick Mary a bunch of the flowers the next time he went to town. They were particular favorites of hers— “spring sunshine,” she’d always said.

The fiery sunset reflected off the windshield of the pickup parked alongside the fence, and the sound of country music blared from the radio within. A bantylegged man stood at the gate, one booted foot propped on the lowest rail, his arms hooked over the top one. His battered Stetson was tipped low over his eyes, and he had a piece of straw stuck in his mouth. As horse and rider approached, the Cripple Creek foreman undid the rope hitch and swung the gate open, leaving a space just wide enough for Conner to ride through. A grin split Jake Henderson’s weathered face, and he spit out the straw he’d been chewing. “Took you long enough. What was you doing out there? Picking posies?”

Experiencing a twist of humor at how close his foreman had come to the truth, Conner guided the gelding through the gate, giving Jake a firm reprimand. “I thought I sent you to the house two hours ago, with specific instructions to get into that hot tub of yours.”

Jake swung the gate closed and fastened it. “Hell, Conner. The wife would skin me alive if she knowed you was still aworking out here, and I was lazing in the tub. She just might turn up the heat and cook my hide for me.”

Backing the horse away from the fence, Conner watched the older man, another flicker of amusement surfacing. Jake had been telling the same tale about Henny for over thirty years—ever since he’d come to work for Conner’s father at the Cripple Creek Ranch. Jake and his stories were an institution.

Hunching over, Conner stacked his forearms on the saddle horn and narrowed his gaze at the older man. His tone was stern when he spoke. “I don’t want you out here again tonight, Jake. You get one of the hands to check the herd.”

The foreman looked a little peeved. “I ain’t an old woman yet, boss.” He smacked the hood of his truck. “Me and ol’ Bessie here will do that check on our own, thank you very much. I don’t trust that bunch to find their butts with a road map, a spotlight and both hands, let alone check this here herd.”

The laugh lines around his eyes creasing, Conner continued to watch as Jake Henderson climbed into his truck. “You never listen to a damned thing I say, do you?”

Jake grinned and gunned the engine to life. “Not if I can help it.” He pointed to the big, muscled, high-spirited buckskin Conner was riding. “Now you take that puny little horse of yers to the barn and give him his sissy bath. His feelings will get all hurt if he don’t get his bath.” Throwing the vehicle into reverse, the foreman gave Conner a two-finger salute and roared backward toward the buildings, trailing another cloud of dust.

Conner watched his foreman skillfully maneuver up the rutted trail; then he picked up the reins, cueing his mount forward, a wry smile appearing. He wondered if Jake was ever going to let up on Big Mac. Probably not.

True, most working horses preferred a good roll in the dirt after getting rid of their saddles after a hard day. Not Big Mac. Big Mac liked a good, long hosing down, and the longer the better. His shower habits had become the butt of some well-thought out Cripple Creek Ranch pranks. Like bath mitts and shower caps.

Once again aware of the numbness in his rear, he turned his horse toward the trail that led up to the barn. He didn’t know about Big Mac, but for him, it was definitely time to call it a day.

By the time they reached the crest of the hill, dusk had settled and a mountain breeze had blown up, carrying the clean smell of rain. The light wind rustled through the leaves, making shadows dance under the high, bright quartz yard lights.

Swinging down from the saddle, Conner pulled the reins from around the horse’s neck, then led his mount toward the darkened barn, unbuckling his chaps as he went. He paused briefly outside, straightening the horse’s mane as Big Mac took a long noisy drink from the watering trough. Having drunk his fill, the horse tossed his head, flinging water and making his bridle jingle. Noticing the first glimmer of stars overhead, Conner led Big Mac through the wide barn door, reaching for the switch mounted on a panel.

Light sprang from four bare bulbs quartering the long alleyway between the big box stalls, casting the cavernous structure in murky light. The sudden burst of illumination startled a flock of barn sparrows in the rafters, and Big Mac raised his head and paused, pricking his ears as three birds darted through the open door. Responding to a tug on his bit, the horse started moving again, his shod hooves making a hollow clip-clopping sound on the thick plank flooring, the sound echoing in the stillness of the barn.

Conner led his horse past the row of stalls to the far end of the barn, where he looped the reins through an iron ring mounted on the wall. Bone weary, he undid the buckle at his waist and stripped his chaps away, hung them on a hook, then stripped the horse of his tack.

By the time he led Big Mac into the wash area, most of the vibrant color had faded from the sky, and a deepening darkness pressed against the open door. He picked up the hose and turned on the tap, the sound of running water percolating loudly through the silence. For some reason, that sound made Conner very aware of how alone he was, and he didn’t like it much. He should be used to that by now; it was a feeling that had become his shadow over the years. And one he did his damnedest to ignore.

Trying to focus on what he was doing, he hosed his horse down. Satisfied that there wasn’t a trace of sweat left anywhere, he turned off the water and picked up a lead shank. Then he looped the rope around the horse’s neck and led him back to his big box stall, the horse’s hooves repeating the hollow clip-clop on the heavy planks. There was a fresh flake of hay and a measure of oats ready and waiting. Removing the lead, he gave the horse a smack on the rump; then he dragged the heavy door shut, shooting the bolt as he hung the lead shank on a hook by the door. He was feeling so damned beat up, he wasn’t sure he had the energy to make it to the house.

At the doorway, he paused, resting his hand on the frame as he stood staring out. Through the row of trees, he could see the darkened shape of the big old Victorian ranch house, the windows black and empty. Not even a glimmer of light to call him in. Knowing his mood was heading into a dark, empty place, Conner pushed away from the door, set his jaw and turned back toward the lighted shed row. He wasn’t ready to face that empty house just yet. And there was always tack to fix.

A big old gray tabby cat was already curled up on Big Mac’s saddle blanket, and she rose up and arched her back in a mighty stretch when he turned on the light in the tack room. He scratched her neck, then unsnapped his cell phone and set it on the ledge as a reminder to put it on the battery charger.

Selecting three new, unused headstalls from wooden pegs on the bare plank wall, he carried them to the workbench in the corner, then reached for the brown bag containing new snaffle bits and new reins. He always had extra tack on hand during branding—and getting these assembled was a job he should have taken care of days ago.

Turning on the dust-covered radio, he reached for the tray that held his leather tools. Above the soft country music coming from the radio, he could hear the wind change outside, and the fresh smell of rain spilled into the barn. A few moments later, the first raindrops spattered against the small window over the workbench. And Conner could tell by the way it was coming down that it was going to be a steady, all-night rain. Just what his grassland needed.

As he turned his head, his gaze caught on the old faded picture that hung above the workbench, the glass and frame also covered in dust. It was a picture taken of his father and stepmother years ago, shortly after Mary had come to live at Cripple Creek. She was astride a black horse, the wind ruffling through her dark hair. And she was laughing down at his father, who stood with his hand braced on the neck of the horse looking up at her. That dusty, faded picture had hung there for well over three decades—and was identical to the one that Conner’s father had always carried in his wallet. It was, in an odd way, a significant marker in Conner’s own life. He sometimes wondered how he and his father had gotten so lucky. Because Mary McFie had changed both their lives.

Conner had no recollection of his natural mother. She had died when he was just a baby, and John Calhoun, a taciturn, reserved, unsmiling man had raised his son alone. Then when Conner was four, a pretty district nurse had come to Bolton, and within weeks, Mary McFie and John Calhoun were married, setting the entire district on its ear. And not only had John Calhoun found a woman who changed his life, Conner had gotten the only mother he had ever known. She had fought John over the raising of his son, treating the somber little boy as if he were her own, and she had made a home for both of them. Once Mary came, it was as if a light had been turned on in their lives as she taught John Calhoun how to laugh. And then when Conner was five, Scotty was born, and Conner had learned what being a family was all about. He could understand why his old man had always kept a copy of that picture close by. It marked the beginning of a whole new life.

He was just replacing the screw in the last bridle when his cell phone chirped. Conner glanced at the clock on the radio. Ten-thirty. Strange time to get a call.

He reached for the phone, flipped down the mouthpiece and hit a button with his thumb. Bracing his arm on the top of the workbench, he put the phone to his ear. “Cripple Creek.”

There was a brief pause before a tiny voice spoke. “Uncle Conner?”

Going very still, Conner glanced at the clock again, an uneasy feeling unfolding in his gut. It was a Tuesday, a school night. And his eight-year-old nephew was calling from Toronto, which would make it half past midnight there. He straightened and turned to face the door, his hand tightening on the phone. Keeping his voice quiet and easy, he spoke. “Hey, Chucker. This is pretty late for a call. How come you aren’t in bed?”

There was another brief pause; then the boy spoke, a funny catch in his voice. “Remember how you told me—remember after Dad died and when I was only six, you said that if I ever was…um…was…um, you know, worried about anything, I was to call. Do you remember saying that?”

The uneasy feeling turned to something sharper, and suddenly Conner’s heart felt too big for his chest. His whole body tensed, he licked the sweat off his lips and spoke, forcing himself to use the same quiet tone to answer. “Yes. I remember.” He hesitated, looking for the right words, then spoke again. “Maybe you should tell me what’s got you worried, all right, sport?”

“Just a minute. I hafta close the door.”

There was the sound of a door closing, then a rattle as the boy picked up the receiver. “I’m in the kitchen and I don’t want Mom to hear,” he whispered into the phone.

Conner made himself relax his jaw. “Where’s your sister—is she there with you?”

“No. She’s asleep in bed, Uncle Conner. It’s only me.”

The anxiety in Conner’s gut intensified, and he walked over to the tack room door, then rested his hand on the overhead frame. Bracing himself, he asked the question he dreaded asking. “Is something wrong with your mom, Cody?”

“Yeah,” came a soft whisper. Then louder. “I think so. I think something’s wrong. I sometimes hear her crying at night, and she’s acting funny and she doesn’t go to work anymore. And she forgets things and she yells over dumb stuff.” He hesitated, then spoke again, a definite wobble in his voice. “I’m kinda scared.”

A cold sensation spread through Conner’s middle and his insides bunched into a hard knot. When he had told the kid to call if he was ever scared or worried, he had done it to offer the boy some reassurance. And he had meant what he’d said. Only this call couldn’t have come at a worse time. Cattle rounded up for branding, everything ready to roll—it wasn’t as if he could snap his fingers and shut down the entire operation. And with the two new hands he had just hired, he wasn’t sure his crew could manage on their own—not with Jake half crippled with that bad hip. His mind racing, Conner considered alternatives. Tanner McCall’s spread was just a couple of miles down the road. And it wouldn’t be the first time they had stepped in and helped each other out. Maybe if he asked Tanner to help pick up the slack…

Making a snap decision, Conner positioned the phone closer to his mouth and spoke, keeping his tone easy. “Tell you what, Chucker. How about if I come down there and check things out. Do you think that would be okay?”

There was an odd sound, as if the boy was having trouble breathing, but the hope in his voice was unmistakable. “You mean like right now? Like tonight?”

One corner of Conner’s mouth lifted, and he hooked his thumb in the front pocket of his jeans. “I don’t think I can make it tonight, Tiger. But I could probably get there sometime tomorrow. And I’ll find out if your mom’s okay.”

“For sure tomorrow?”

A touch of real amusement widened Conner’s grin. “Unless the planes stop flying—yes, tomorrow.”

Another hesitation. “Uncle Conner?”

“What?”

There was an anxious quiver in the boy’s voice. “Will you have to tell Mom I called?”

Conner turned and stared down the shed row to the open barn door. “I can’t promise not to, Cody. But I won’t unless I have to, okay?”

“Okay.” Conner could hear him fidgeting with the phone, then his nephew spoke again, another wobble in his voice. “I’m glad you’re coming.”

Trying to ignore the sudden tightness in his throat, Conner forced a smile into his voice. “I’m glad I’m coming, too. Now you go back to bed and go to sleep. And I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Good night, Uncle Conner.”

“Good night, Tiger.”

His expression set, Conner pressed the End button, then stared into space, a hole the size of Texas in his gut. Abby. There couldn’t be anything wrong with Abby. Not Abby.

Turning back to the workbench, he stared at the picture of his father and stepmother; then he roughly massaged his eyes. Hell. This was a bad, bad space for him. A very bad space. And one he couldn’t get into. Shutting down his emotions, he mentally listed what all he had to do to clear the decks.

Straightening, he lifted the phone and punched in another set of numbers, then walked over to stare out the window. The steady drizzle created misty halos around the yard lights, distorting the illumination.

A voice answered, and Conner moved the phone closer to his mouth. “Hi, Kate. It’s Conner. Is Tanner around?”

“He just came in. Just a minute. I’ll get him for you.”

A man’s voice came on and, as briefly as possible, Conner explained the situation to the other rancher.

Tanner McCall’s immediate response was, “Let me know what time your flight leaves, and I’ll drive you to the airport.”

For the first time since he had gotten his nephew’s call, the knot in Conner’s gut relaxed. “Thanks, but no. I have no idea when I can get a flight, so I’ll just leave the truck at Park and Fly.” He rubbed his eyes again. “But I’ll give you Abby’s number and my cell phone number.”

It took five minutes to give Tanner the necessary instructions. As soon as he got off the phone with his neighbor, he placed a call to his stepmother. He wished he didn’t have to tell her, but above all else, he respected her right to know. Still, it didn’t make the call any easier. Not after everything she had been through in the past few years.

But he didn’t want to unduly worry her either, and he did his best to minimize it. He told her he was going down to reassure Cody. He could never admit to anyone that he was also going to reassure himself.

After his call to Mary, he called Jake. There were never any embellishments required with Jake. Just the facts and specific instructions. Jake was worth his weight in gold.

Deliberately keeping his thoughts focused on what he had to do, rather than thinking about the phone call, Conner finished up in the barn. He shut off the light and dragged the door shut, then put his head down against the steady drizzle as he headed for the house. He didn’t want to acknowledge the sick feeling churning in his belly, or the fear that was fighting to surface. A long time ago, he had learned not to cross bridges, especially those that weren’t his to cross.

It wasn’t until he’d had a long hot shower, after he’d draped a towel around his neck and pulled on a clean pair of jeans that his mental stockade failed. Knowing from experience that when that happened, there was no easy way out for him, he went over to the casement window and opened it. Then he stood staring out, his own history piling in on him.

He had loved his brother, and right from the time Mary had placed the tiny baby in his arms, he’d had a feeling in his chest that never went away. And he knew it was the same for John Calhoun. Right from the beginning, that baby could do no wrong in his father’s eyes. Even when Scotty got into more scrapes than any kid had a right to, John Calhoun would bail out his youngest son. Conner had always been well aware of how the townspeople reacted, shaking their heads, wondering where the boy was going to end up.

When Scott got older and his dad’s health started to fail and his mother got fretting, it was Conner who would quietly untangle whatever mess the kid had gotten himself into, then take him home.

But the funny part was that no one ever seemed to hold any grudges against the youngest Calhoun. Everybody liked Scotty. He had been one of those kids born with a special brand of charisma, a personable, good-looking kid full of down-home charm, and probably the best natural athlete within a thousand miles. There hadn’t been anything that Scotty didn’t excel at, and at the age of eighteen, he had been scouted by one of the big baseball clubs in the States. By the time he had turned twenty-four, he was a star.

The whole district had been proud of Scotty Calhoun, but Conner suspected there were a whole bunch of people who figured that Scotty moving to the U.S., and being accountable to a major league owner and coach, would save his parents a whole passel of headaches. Scotty might have been a talented young man, but even Conner knew he was trouble just waiting to happen.

Some folks openly wondered how Conner could put up with Scotty’s shenanigans, but he never made any comment. He had always been the solid, sensible, levelheaded older brother—and it was clear to everyone that Conner was the one person who Scotty wanted to impress, the only one he looked up to. About the only thing the Calhoun brothers had in common was their size, their dark curly hair and the looks they had inherited from their father. Other than that, they had been as different as night and day.

But that was really only part of the history.

Conner knew there was still a certain amount of speculation about him in the small town of Bolton. Pretty well anybody who had roots in the community knew that he’d just turned forty and never married. There had been a time when folks figured he might make it to the altar. Then all of a sudden the pretty little teller at the local bank was seen in the company of other men. And about a year later, she left for the east. And no one ever knew what happened.

Conner wasn’t deaf or blind. He knew that in places like the hairdresser’s in Bolton, the women still occasionally speculated about the breakup, and what a pity it was that another young thing hadn’t come to town to rescue Conner, just like Mary McFie had rescued his father. He knew all of them were convinced the bank teller was the love of his life, and that she had broken his heart.

Yeah, he had been well aware of what had been said over the years, but he had turned a blind eye to the sympathetic looks and the not-so-subtle attempts at matchmaking. The truth was that he preferred to let them think what they did, rather than anyone having an inkling about the truth. And the truth was something he kept to himself.

Rain spattered through the open window, the cool gush of air intruding on Conner’s thoughts. He gouged at his eyes, his head congested with old memories. There was a whole lot of stuff that had gone under the bridge, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever put it all behind him. Slipping his right hand into the back pocket of his jeans, he leaned against the wall, his expression turning bleak as more old memories surfaced.

The secret he harbored had its roots a long time ago—eleven years to be exact. Scotty had been twenty-four and had made it to the “show,” earning more money than was good for him. It had been close to Christmas when he announced out of the blue that he was bringing home the girl he was going to marry.

No one had known what to expect—not Conner, not his mother, not his father. And when Scotty announced he was bringing Abigail Allistair Arlington home to meet the folks, Conner braced himself. With a name like Abigail Allistair Arlington, she could have come from one of the snooty, upper crust areas of Chicago, or she could have been an exotic dancer in a strip bar. With Scotty, either was a possibility.

It had been left to Conner to drive into the city, to pick them up at the Calgary Airport and, as if it were yesterday, he still remembered that night with stunning clarity. His brother coming through the frosted doors of Canada Customs, followed by a tall, natural blonde, with cover-girl good looks, sharply styled hair, wide hazel eyes and an air of sophistication about her. She had looked cool, composed and aloof—until she smiled.

Without even realizing what she had done with that one smile, Abigail Allistair Arlington had altered the course of Conner Calhoun’s life. All it had taken was her greeting of a big, warm hug, and within a space of a few seconds, he knew that his life would never be the same.

He had known that Doreen, the bank teller, had marriage on her mind, but there had been no way he could ever consider marrying her. Not then. Not ever. She was a sweet girl who deserved a whole lot more than second best.

It had nearly killed Conner when Scotty and Abby got married, and it was made twice as hard because he had no choice but to stand up for his brother.

It had been one hell of a ride, all right. Heartache? He could write volumes on it. That constant ache had become part of his life. And that was why sometimes, like tonight, he just could not face an empty house. And it was why he’d spent more nights than he could count out in the barn, fixing tack, mending saddles, braiding new reins. A flicker of grim humor lifted one corner of his mouth. Hell, he had the best tended tack in the entire country.

Turning from the window, Conner crossed to the highboy, his gaze snagging on a grouping of three framed photographs arranged on top. His expression softening, he picked up one, his chest tightening as he studied the picture. It was a snapshot of Abby, one he had taken years ago on a South Carolina beach. She was wading in the surf, the wet hem of her full, ankle-length dress plastered against her legs, and she was holding her hair back from her face with both hands. She was laughing at him, the wind molding the soft folds of her dress against her protruding belly. When that photograph had been taken, she was pregnant with Cody, and everything that Abby was was captured in that picture.

Yeah, he could write a book on heartache, all right. And secrets? He had ’em by the truckload. Most of them were stored up in a whole lot of pain. But there was one that gave him comfort. And it was a secret he would take to his grave without ever giving up.

He touched the face in the snapshot, the hole in his chest getting bigger. No one would ever know that the baby she carried in this picture wasn’t his brother’s.

It was his.




Chapter 2


A gust of wind rattled the shades, sending more drops of rain spattering through the screen of the open window. The framed photo still in his hand, Conner tipped his head back against the wall and clenched his jaw. It was not a good night for memories. Or for remembering. But that didn’t stop the emotions piling up in his chest.

Forcing himself to let go of the air jammed up in his lungs, Conner turned, his gaze going to the remaining two pictures sitting on top of his bureau. He set the third one beside them, then turned back to the window, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

It had been one helluvah ride, all right. One that took him places he’d never expected to go. There had been times when his aloneness got so big, he felt buried by it. And he had figured he would go to the grave with that awful hole in his chest. Then something happened to change all that. Something that gave him a place to put everything he felt for his brother’s wife.

Abby and Scott had been married two years—and Conner had gone out of his way to keep his distance. It had been safer and easier that way. Then they had come home again for Christmas. Which meant that Conner had been pretty well trapped. Because as far as Mary was concerned, there was just no good reason for either of her sons to be away from home at that time of year. So for Mary’s sake, he had stayed.

There had been something different about Scotty—he was more quiet, always watching Conner, trying his best to be accommodating. Then on Christmas Eve, long after everyone else had gone to bed, Scotty tracked Conner down in the tack room of the barn, where he was restoring an antique saddle. And he had told Conner what was on his mind.

They had found out that Scotty was sterile, and they wanted to have kids—Abby was desperate for kids. And Scotty made it clear that there was no way he wanted to adopt—to raise some stranger’s kids. After coming at it from the long way around, Scotty got to the point, and dropped a bomb that rocked Conner’s world. He wanted to know if Conner would consider fathering a baby for them. He figured that they looked enough alike that no one would ever know any different, and Conner was the only man alive he would trust with this—the only man he would ever consider as a sperm donor.

It had knocked Conner for one hell of a loop. And he was never sure how long he’d sat there, staring at his brother, feeling as if solid ground had been blown out from underneath him. It was as if his mind had locked on Scotty’s words, and it had seemed like forever before he’d been able to get his mind in gear, to ask his brother how Abby felt about this. Scotty had assured Conner that Abby was fine with it.

Feeling as if his whole existence had been turned upside down, Conner had told Scotty he needed some time to think about it. And he had stayed up all that night, thinking what it would be like, knowing she was carrying his child, knowing that a part of him was lodged deep inside of her. It nearly killed him at first.

Then slowly, so slowly, the possibility of his being able to give her his child began to ease that awful hole in his chest—that hole that had become a part of him. And he had realized that part of the burden of loving her was that he could never do anything to validate it. And now he had been handed his chance. He could give her the baby she wanted so much. And slowly everything changed, and the thought of his child growing inside of her gave him the first peace he’d had in a very long time.

It had been as if Abby knew he’d spent the night wrestling with the request. Because long before anyone was up, she had come down to the kitchen, where he was hunched over the table, working his way through yet another cup of coffee. Her hair had been wild around her face, and she’d worn a fuzzy blue housecoat with the belt pulled tight around her. She had sat down across from him, and they had talked. And she had told him, with tears in her eyes, how badly she wanted a baby, and why. If he hadn’t already made up his mind, he would have taken one look at the desperate longing in her eyes, and he would have made it up then. With emotion cramping his throat, he told her he’d be honored to do it.

It had been one hell of an experience—when he flew to Chicago to visit their fertility clinic. And no one would ever know what it had been like, shut in that tiny room, doing what he needed to do, everything he felt for her spilling out in that single donation. He had been such a damned mess afterward, he had gone straight to the airport, phoning Scotty from there. John Calhoun had already been diagnosed with bone cancer, and Conner had used that as a cover, making an excuse that some problems had cropped up at the ranch, and he had to get right home. He hadn’t been able to face his brother. And he sure in hell hadn’t been able to face her.

Ten months later, Cody John Calhoun was born, and sixteen months after that, Sarah Jane Calhoun had arrived. And it had been as if those two kids had given Conner somewhere to place all the emotions he had been carrying around inside of him. He would have gladly laid down his life for either one of them, and somehow their existence made everything right. He had never permitted himself to think of them as his. They were Abby’s kids. Always Abby’s. They had been his gift to her, and because of that, he’d never allowed himself to think of them as anything but his niece and nephew.

And along with that acceptance came something he had never expected. The hole in his chest had healed over. It didn’t mean that he didn’t get damned lonely at times, to the point where he would make trips out of town to find a little temporary companionship. And it sure in hell didn’t mean he had gotten over her. He would love her until the day he died. But it made a huge difference, knowing that he had given her the two babies she had wanted so much. It meant he could get through one day after another, almost content with his life. Almost.

The midnight chime of the old grandfather clock in the hallway brought Conner out of his somber reverie, and he pulled the towel from around his neck and tossed it on a chair, then raked both his hands through his hair. It was going to be a damned long night.

Leaving his bedroom, he went out into the hallway, to the wood panelled closet under the stairs, and located a very expensive monogrammed leather garment bag. It always gave him a hollow feeling in his chest when he used it. And the only time he used it was when he went to Toronto—because Abby had been so adamant he have it. It had belonged to his brother, and it was the one Scotty had always carried on road trips.

Picking up the bag, Conner turned off the light and closed the door, his expression grim. Sometimes he wondered about the legendary luck of the Calhouns—it had definitely gone astray in this generation, that was for sure.

He took the garment bag back to his bedroom and tossed it on the king-size bed, then unzipped it, that same old feeling of grief unfolding in his chest. Ah, Scotty, he thought, you didn’t even know you had it all. And once again the history piled in, taking him down the path to old, painful memories.

The only good thing that had happened that year was wee Sarah’s arrival. The rest had all been bad. Abby’s parents had been killed in a car crash, then John Calhoun had died two months after his granddaughter was born. And shortly after that, Mary’s health took a turn for the worse, and the arthritis she had been fighting for years had finally taken hold. It was as if John’s dying had depleted her resources, and she got considerably worse. They hadn’t seen much of Scotty and the kids—Scotty was always on the road, and Abby, with a degree in business management, started working part-time, certainly not for the money. Mostly, Conner had suspected, to compensate for Scotty’s absences.

It wasn’t until Scotty got traded to the team in Toronto that the cracks in their golden life began to show. Inferences on sportscasts that Scott Calhoun was not performing up to snuff, rumors of trouble with the club. And when Conner had taken his mother to Toronto for a brief visit, there was something frenetic in Scott’s behavior. As if he were wired all the time.

Scotty had been a season into a five-year contract when he was abruptly dropped from the roster, and Conner had started to wonder what was going on. But it wasn’t until he saw Abby on a trip through Toronto that Conner knew something was seriously wrong. She had started working full-time, and she had been so strung out and tense, it was as if she were fine crystal ready to shatter. Concerned about her, he had taken her aside, telling her that if she ever needed anything, she was to call. Unable to look at him, she had locked her jaw together and nodded. And that had been that.

Until two years ago, when Abby had called him. And he had found out what was really going on. The reason Scotty had been let go was that management found out he was heavily into drugs, and she didn’t know what to do. Conner had been in the process of throwing his kit together for an immediate trip to Toronto when he got the second call from Scotty’s agent, telling him that Scotty was on his way to the hospital, suffering from a major overdose. It was almost as if Scotty couldn’t face Conner knowing the truth about him.

That was one of the hardest things Conner had ever had to do, to tell his mother what was going on and why he was taking the red-eye to Toronto. But she hadn’t been in any shape to travel then. So it had been up to him. When he got to Toronto, he’d gone straight to the hospital. The first thing he had discovered was that Abby was barely hanging on. And the second thing he found out was that Scotty was in an irreversible coma. There was nothing they could do.

It had been equally hard, five days later, standing by her during the huge, media-driven funeral, the news of Scotty’s overdose plastered all over every sports page in the country.

But the hardest thing of all was leaving her behind when it was time for him to go home. If he’d had his way, he would have bundled her up and taken her and the kids with him. But he couldn’t do that. She was his brother’s wife.

After Scotty’s death, he had made a point of going to Toronto every three or four months, but Abby had totally walled up. That once vibrant smile was like an accessory she pulled out and put on whenever it was required, and she was so brittle, it was hard for him to watch. He had been concerned about her for months—damned concerned. And he had told her countless times that if she ever needed anything, all she had to do was call. But Abby had a whole lot of stiff, chin-in-the-air pride. Rooted, no doubt, in the public humiliation Scotty had put her through.

Conner had known all along things would have to get really bad before she would call. And the feeling of unease never left him. He knew something was wrong. But unless she came to him for help, there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot he could do. At least a couple of times a week he would call, and she was always very upbeat on the phone, but he could hear the edge in her voice. She would never talk long—instead she would take the first opportunity to pass the phone off to one of the kids. There were nights when he’d lay awake until dawn, trying to hatch some plan to get through to her. But he knew Abigail, and he understood that stiff-necked pride of hers. And unless she opened up and told him what was going on, he was stymied. It wasn’t as if he could play some damned white knight and ride in to rescue her, especially when she didn’t want to be rescued. So he had resigned himself to her silence.

Never once had he ever considered that the call for help would come from another source—like his eight-year-old nephew. Which meant it had to be far worse than he’d ever dreamt. It hurt like hell, knowing she was suffering through something all alone—and wouldn’t come to him for help. All along he had told himself the only thing he wanted was for her to recover enough to get on with her life.

But as he packed the last of his gear and zipped the garment bag shut, he faced the fact that he would go to his grave wanting a whole lot more.



The sun had not yet reached high noon when the cab passed through a security gate and turned onto a heavily treed cul-de-sac in a very exclusive area of Toronto. His best Stetson settled squarely on his head, Conner took his billfold out of the breast pocket of his western sports coat, removed two bills and replaced the billfold, then stared down at the toes of his freshly polished boots. He felt as if he had an entire rock pile in his gut. He had been awake all night, trying to figure out the best way to handle this. But he was no closer to an answer than he had been ten hours ago. He’d debated phoning first, but then decided against it.

Disconnecting from that line of thought, he looked out the window as the cab pulled in front of his brother’s large and very pricey home. Somehow he was going to have to keep his personal feelings out of this. Somehow.

His face impassive, he handed the driver the two bills, then climbed out of the taxi, hitching the strap of the leather garment bag over his shoulder. He watched the cab disappear down the long curved driveway, then he climbed the steps to the ornate front door. Steeling himself, he pressed his thumb against the doorbell.

His jaw taut, he turned his head, watching a robin harvest worms in the lawn. Finally he heard footsteps from within, and the door opened.

He almost didn’t recognize her. Her thick blond hair was pulled back in an untidy ponytail, and she had a tea towel draped over her shoulder. With her skin free of makeup and dressed in jeans and a faded Blue Jays sweatshirt, she didn’t even come close to the put-together woman he was familiar with.

Her hand on the door, Abby went dead still; then her face lit up with a spontaneous smile. “Conner! For heaven’s sake, what are you doing here? And why didn’t you let us know you were coming?” Her hazel eyes bright with genuine pleasure, she stepped closer, reached up and welcomed him with her customary hug. Conner swallowed hard and closed his eyes, permitting himself the brief luxury of hugging her back.

His voice gruff, he relinquished his hold on her and forced himself to smile. “I had some business I had to take care of, and figured now was as good a time as any.”

She laughed and grasped his arm, pulling him inside. “Well, this is the best surprise. The kids are going to be wild when they get home.”

She closed the door behind them, and he set his bag down in the wide, terrazzo tiled foyer. Keeping his face expressionless, he took off his hat and dropped it on top of his bag, then turned to face her. She was much thinner than when he’d seen her last. There were dark circles under her wide, hazel eyes, and there was a pinched look around her full mouth. But even dressed the way she was, she still had that air of class about her. And the same inner warmth. She grinned up at him, then slipped her arm through his, propelling him down the wide oak-panelled hallway toward the kitchen. “You’re one lucky camper, Mr. Calhoun. I just took a batch of blueberry muffins out of the oven, and they look as good as Grandma Mary’s if I do say so myself.”

Conner looked down at her, humor tugging at his mouth. He clearly remembered Abby and her first attempt at muffins. They had been so hard, Scotty had deemed them his very own cannonballs and made a big production out of pitching them into the creek. “Don’t try and kid me, lady. You make lousy muffins. You could use them for ballast.”

She grinned again and made a face. “Well, they aren’t as awful as they used to be. You can actually eat ’em now.”

He followed her into the bright spacious kitchen. This room was Abby through and through. There were splashes of bright colors and lush, healthy plants everywhere, and the granite countertops were comfortably cluttered. The stainless steel fridge sported an array of Post-it notes, notices and what looked like Sarah’s artwork, and the ceramic pot by the phone was stuffed with a variety of pencils and pens.

The aroma of fresh muffins actually made his mouth water, and Conner allowed himself to be engineered into a chair.

Abby went over and opened one of the cupboards. “I’ll wager you could use a good cup of coffee right about now.” She glanced over at him. “Yes? No?”

He stretched out his legs. Even flying business class, he felt as if he’d spent the past four hours in a sardine can. He gave her a wry half smile. “Coffee sounds great.”

Slouching in the maple captain’s chair, he folded his arms across his chest and watched her as she prepared a fresh pot of coffee, his mind absently registering what she was saying, the knot in his gut tightening. She looked like hell. Her hair, now slightly darker than when Scotty first brought her home, had lost its luster, there was a hollowness to her finely sculpted features, and there wasn’t a speck of color in her face. Her jeans practically hung on her, and he detected an unhealthy energy in her. There was no doubt about it; something was seriously wrong here. Abby wasn’t the type to fade away to nothing without a damned good reason.

Compartmentalizing his observations in another part of his brain, he responded to her small talk, his gaze fixed on her the entire time.

She set the table, getting coffee mugs for them both, keeping up a steady stream of chatter, which was unusual for her. Abby was not one to chatter. Turning in his seat, Conner rested his elbows on the table and clasped his hands together, trying to figure out what was going on. She wasn’t herself, that was for sure.

Setting a basket of still steaming muffins on the table beside him, Abby reached for the drawer at the end of the large kitchen island and took out two linen napkins. She passed him one, then sat down kitty-corner from him and propped her chin in her hand. Sunlight caught in her long lashes and brought out the gold flecks in her hazel eyes as she studied him. “So what kind of urgent business would get you away from Cripple Creek this time of year? Aren’t you getting close to spring branding?”

Conner held her gaze for an instant, then took one of the muffins from the basket, broke it open and reached for the butter dish. He had never been good at subterfuge; he always figured the most direct route was the best way to go. Buttering his muffin, he met her gaze.

He stared at her a moment, then spoke, his tone very quiet. “You’re the urgent business, Abigail. I’m here to find out what in hell is going on.”

Her expression froze and she went so still, it was as if she wasn’t even breathing. There was a long, electric silence, her agitation almost palpable. Then she abruptly picked up a muffin and broke it in half. Her face carefully arranged into a non-expression, she spoke, her tone artificially bright. “I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, Conner. Everything is fine.”

Conner ate his way through half a muffin, then took a sip of coffee, considering how to play his hand. Finally he brushed the crumbs off his fingers and looked at her. There was a hint of a smile around his mouth when he finally spoke. “You’re a lousy liar, Abby.” He paused, then spoke again. “And an even worse actress. So cut the guff, okay?”

Her head came up and her gaze riveted on his face, her eyes as wide as saucers; then she looked down again, her movements jerky. “I don’t have any guff to cut, Conner,” she said, her tone just a little snippy. “I think you’ve fallen off one too many horses.”

She almost made him laugh—Abby had always been able to make him laugh. And he had to admit that he was amused by the way she was maneuvering away from his question, but he wasn’t that easy to lose. Hooking his thumb in his belt, he leaned back and considered her a moment, and he could almost feel her squirm. He was also very good at maneuvering. He indicated the muffins. “These are very good.”

She lifted her chin, and gave him one of her cool looks. “Thank you. I think.”

He smiled, then leaned forward, braced his elbows on the table and laced his hands together. He studied her, not liking the awful tension he sensed in her. He decided then that their little game was over. Under the circumstances, he figured his nephew would understand. Using that same quiet tone of voice, he spoke. “Cody called me last night.”

She went very still again, and he caught a glimmer of alarm in her eyes. Satisfied that he had gotten her full attention, he continued. “He was pretty worried. He said that he thinks something is wrong with you—that you don’t go to work anymore and he hears you crying late at night, and that you forget things.” He shifted his clasped hands, then fixed his gaze on her. “So why don’t you just tell me what’s going on, Abigail?”

There was an instant, just an instant, where she sat staring at him, almost as if she were paralyzed, then she abruptly covered her face with her hands, a low sound wrenched from her. Experiencing a fierce, painful cramp in his chest, Conner forced himself to keep his hands laced together, the need to touch her almost unmanageable. Sometimes it was damned hard playing big brother around her. Too damned hard.

Unable to watch, Conner looked away, his face feeling like granite as he ran his thumbnail down a pattern carved in the ceramic mug. The sounds coming from across the table were tearing him to shreds inside. But there was nothing he could do. At least not without crossing a line he’d sworn he would never cross.

He had just about reached his limit when Abby finally lifted her head and quickly wiped her face with the napkin, her face swollen and red. She let her breath go in a shuddering sigh, then she began fiddling with the napkin. Finally she lifted her head and looked at him, a depleted expression in her eyes. “I don’t even know where to begin,” she whispered. “It’s all been so awful.”

Resting his clasped hands against his jaw, he gave her a small smile. “Then why don’t you just start talking and we’ll see where it takes us.”

She managed a smile, then she pushed her plate away and began folding and refolding her napkin. “It was more than just a drug problem,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Sensing that she was preparing herself for the telling, he waited, his gaze locked on her face. Finally she drew in a deep shaky breath and straightened, folding her arms tightly across her chest. “I didn’t find out until months after he died just how bad it was.” She turned her head toward the window, her profile stark against the bright light. “I didn’t find out until then that he had a serious gambling problem as well—a very serious gambling problem. I knew he gambled, but I really thought it was strictly recreational.” She finally looked at Conner, her gaze bleak. “He owed hundreds of thousands of dollars. And when the people started calling his loans, I couldn’t believe it at first. He had borrowed from everyone. His teammates, his friends, the kids’ educational funds. I found records for all those personal loans in his safety deposit box. I used all our savings and his insurance money to pay off his friends, and I thought I had it under control.”

She clutched her arms tighter, then tipped her head back, staring at the ceiling. “Then I started getting calls from a string of his bookies. And there was another huge loan from a loan company in the States— I found out later he’d borrowed that to pay off another huge drug and gambling debt.” She closed her eyes, the muscles in her jaw working; then she let out another sigh and looked at him. “To make a long story short,” she said, her voice devoid of any emotion, “I had to remortgage the house, and I sold off every piece of art we had, my jewelry, his cars—anything and everything that had any kind of value.” She held up her naked left hand. “Even my rings. But I got the bookies all paid off, and I had to cut a deal with the loan company for me to pay them back. Everything was gone—the equity in the house, all our investments…everything. Thank God the kids’ school tuition is covered by a trust fund from my parents’ estate, or I would have had to pull them out.”

As if everything was crowding in on her, she got up and went over to the patio doors and stood staring out, her arms still clutched in front of her. She didn’t say anything for a moment, then spoke, her voice barely audible. “I had managed to pay back most of the last loan, except there’s still twenty thousand dollars owing. I knew, given time, I’d get it paid off. Then I lost my job. The company I work for was part of a merger, and my position was eliminated. I got a decent severance package, but that was it. Kaput.” She lifted one shoulder in a small, defeated shrug. “When the loan company found out, they called their note.” She turned and faced him, giving him a wan smile. “Of course I couldn’t pay it, so now they’ve threatened to take me to court.” Her face ashen and her hands visibly trembling, she came back over to the table and sat down, not a trace of animation in her. She clasped her hands together on the table, rubbing one thumb against the other. Her attempt at a smile failed. “It’s been a bit of a bitch, Conner.”

He had forced himself to remain disengaged during her telling—not allowing any kind of feeling to surface. But now, as she sat there, her animation gone, the vibrancy beat right out of her, he experienced a rush of rage. She was out of a job, just about out of money, and her once-perfect life was a total mess. He wanted to kill somebody.

She tipped her head back and closed her eyes, and Conner could see tears gathering in her lashes. Her despair cut him to the quick. And something gave way inside him. He had only ever initiated touching her twice before—once when he’d kissed Scotty’s bride after the wedding. And then the night Scotty had died, when he’d pulled her onto his lap like a small wounded child, and held her as she wept for their awful loss. That time had been about offering comfort, and nothing more. This time, though, would be about something entirely different.

Knowing he was stepping across a very dangerous line, and sharply aware of how hard his heart was pounding in his chest, he reached across the table and grasped her cold, thin hands between his. The feel of her was almost enough. Almost.

His heart lumbering, he tightened his hold, rubbing her hands between his, trying to infuse her with his warmth. Then he drew in a deep, uneven breath and spoke, his voice very gruff. “You could have called me, Abby,” he said quietly.

She opened her eyes, tears catching in her long lashes. “I couldn’t,” she whispered. “You had lost him, too. I couldn’t dump this in your lap.”

Holding her gaze, he managed a lopsided smile. “Well, consider it dumped.” He gave her hands a reassuring squeeze. “Between us, we’ll straighten this whole mess out. But the first rule is that you’re not to worry anymore, okay?”

She stared at him, more tears damming up, and the look in her eyes almost did him in. Disconnecting from the feelings rising up in him, he gave her hands another squeeze, prompting an answer. “Okay?”

She managed a wobbly smile and nodded, and he rewarded her effort with a smile of his own. “Okay.” He gave her hands another reassuring little shake, then released her. Leaning back in his chair, he scrutinized her. “How much sleep have you had in the past couple of weeks?”

Some of the old Abby resurfaced. She managed an almost real smile. “Good grief, Conner. Don’t you know anything? No one sleeps when you’re lost in the swamp and up to your armpits in alligators.”

He rewarded her effort with a soft chuckle, then he stood up. “Well, I’m here to drain the swamp, lady. So go to bed and get some sleep.”

“I can’t. The kids are home early from school today, and…”

Conner broke his self-imposed rule for the second time that day. He grasped her hand, pulled her to her feet, then pushed her toward the front foyer and the stairs. “Damn it,” he said, trying to sound as if he meant it, “don’t start arguing with me already, Abigail. For the rest of the day, I’m the boss.”

She turned at the bottom of the stairs and looked up at him, a faint glimmer appearing in her eyes. “All right. I’ll give you today, Calhoun. But tomorrow is mine, and don’t you forget it.” Catching him totally by surprise, she gripped his arm, then stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, Conner,” she whispered unevenly. Then she turned and went up the stairs, and Conner watched her go, his lungs suddenly so tight it was impossible to get air into them.

A rush of emotion jammed up in his chest, and he anchored his hand on the heavy oak newel post. God help him, he had to keep his head on straight. And he had to do right by her. Because, in the end, that was all he could ever give her.

Beginning to feel the effects of a sleepless night, he returned to the kitchen and poured himself another coffee, then went out and stood on the raised deck, staring out over the expensively designed landscape. Right now a half-hour nap would do wonders, but he knew he’d never sleep with her trapped in his head. Clamping his jaw shut, he forced himself to concentrate on other things, like how he was going to get her out of this pickle without walking all over that damned pride of hers. But he really didn’t have a whole lot of options. Yeah, Abigail Allistair had put on a brave face, and she didn’t expect anyone to bail her out, but he could tell that she was damned near at the end of her rope. There was no way he could walk off and leave her in this mess. So that gave him only one alternative. He was stepping in whether she liked it or not. And it was too damned bad if he tramped on her pride.

His expression set, he went back into the house. For his own peace of mind, he needed to check on her—she was just too eaten up by stress and strain, and far too thin for his liking.

The master bedroom door was ajar, and Conner pushed it open with one finger. She was curled up on the bed, very soundly asleep, her hands tucked under her face. Resting his shoulder against the door frame, he hooked his thumb in the front pocket of his jeans, his expression fixed as he watched her sleep. She was far too thin, but what bothered him more than anything was that her special effervescence was gone—that rare kind of energy that could light up a whole room. It was as if her bright spirit had been extinguished, and she just looked so fragile. He’d give anything if he had the right to hold her, to wrap her up and keep her safe.

Ever since she’d appeared that long-ago Christmas, she had been his still center, and in spite of the emptiness in his life, he wouldn’t know what to do without her there. Just knowing she was alive fortified him somehow.

Abby stirred, curling up tighter, and Conner suspected she was cold. Careful not to make a sound, he went into the room, picked up a throw off the wing chair by the bed, then carefully covered her with it. Some of her hair had come loose from the ponytail, and he very gently lifted the strands away from her face and tucked them behind her ear. His throat cramping up, he let his hand linger just a moment—just a brief, perfect moment before he tucked the cover under her chin. Feeling as if he’d just got punched in the gut, he turned and left the room, soundlessly pulling the door shut behind him. Closing his eyes, he took a deep, uneven breath. He had let himself get far too close. But it wasn’t nearly close enough.




Chapter 3


It was a little after two in the afternoon when the small yellow school bus pulled up in the Calhoun driveway, a private school logo on the side. Conner, who had been sitting on the wide steps waiting for its arrival, stood up as the bus pulled to a halt. The door opened and a dark-haired boy shot out, throwing his backpack in the air. “Uncle Conner! Hey!”

Cody launched himself at his uncle, and Conner laughed and swept him up, having just enough time to give him a hug before catching the angel-eyed little girl who practically jumped into his arms. “Uncle Conner! Uncle Conner! Thith is a big thurprith!”

Laughing at their antics and Sarah’s lisp, Conner managed to wave to the bus driver, the tangle of arms around his neck nearly strangling him. “Hey, buckaroos. How are you doing?”

Sarah gave him a huge hug. “We’re doing fine, Uncle Conner. How are you doing?”

“Well I’m doing fine, too, angel.” He went over to where Cody had dumped his backpack and bent over, the two kids still clinging to him. “How about snagging that bag, Tiger.”

Leaning over in his uncle’s arm, the boy did as he was asked, then straightened and looked at his uncle, his deep blue eyes dark with anxiety. Conner did what he could to reassure his nephew. He winked and smiled at him. “We’ll talk later, okay, Chucker?”

The boy managed a smile. “Okay.”

Grasping Conner’s face, Sarah turned him to look at her. “Where ith my mom?” she demanded.

Amused by his niece’s imperious tone, he hitched her higher. As Jake would say, there were no flies on this one—nope, Little Miss Calhoun was a handful of the first order. He gave her a solemn look. “I sold her to a bunch of trolls.”

Sarah narrowed her eyes at him. “What trolls?”

“He’s pulling your leg, Sarah,” interjected her brother, sounding disgusted. “Dontcha know anything?”

Sarah lifted her chin and gave her brother a haughty look. “I know loths of things.”

Deciding that with these two it was no wonder Abby was worn out, Conner tried not to smile as he climbed the steps. He reached the door. “Let’s try to be quiet, okay. Just in case your mom is still asleep.”

They entered quietly, closing the door without making a sound; then Conner packed them both through the big foyer to the kitchen. He set them down on the big work island. Sarah gave him a fierce hug, then squirmed toward the edge. “I hafta go to the bathroom, Uncle Conner.”

He swung her down and watched her leave the room, then he turned back to his nephew. His gaze was solemn when he spoke. “You did the right thing calling me, Cody,” he said, his tone quiet. “And I’m going to stick around and help your mom get things straightened away.”

Cody looked up at his uncle, his gaze still anxious. “Did you tell her I called you?”

Conner smoothed down the boy’s tousled curly hair. “Yeah, I did. But she’s not upset about it. So don’t you worry, okay?” Lifting the boy’s chin so he could look him square in the eye, Conner gave his nephew a reassuring smile. “I don’t want you worrying about anything from now on—I’m going to do that. And everything will be fine. I promise.”

Cody looked up at his uncle, and Conner knew the little boy was doing his best not to cry. “Come here,” he said gruffly, gathering the boy up and giving him a big hug. “That was a very grown-up thing you did, Cody. To call me.”

The boy wrapped his arms and legs around Conner, then whispered unevenly against his uncle’s neck, “I was kinda scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Tiger. But you don’t have to be scared anymore, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Mom ith up!” announced Miss Sarah as she skipped into the room. Abby followed her in, looking dazed and almost drunk. And she was trembling. His insides bunching up, Conner realized that she was in far worse shape than he’d originally thought. This was a woman who was literally running on empty. Setting his nephew down, he fixed a neutral expression on his face and crossed the room. Breaking his hard-and-fast rule for the third time that day, he took her by the shoulders, turned her around and aimed her toward the stairs. “You’re going back to bed, Abby,” he said, using a tone that no one in his right mind would ever mess with.

She looked at him, her eyes dazed. “I can’t. The kids are home. And I’ll have to fix dinner.”

He shook his head. “You’re going back to bed. I’ll look after the kids and I’ll fix dinner.” She opened her mouth to respond, and he shook his head again. “Don’t argue with me, Abby.”

She closed her eyes and clasped her head, and he had to fight back the urge to pick her up and carry her up the stairs. That kind of touching was definitely out of bounds. Cody seemed to pick up on his uncle’s mood. Taking his mom by the hand, he led her toward the front hall. “Come on, Mom.”

Conner watched them leave the room, then he went outside on the deck, bracing both hands on the rail and bending his head, his jaw rigid. For the first time in his life, he experienced a bitter rage toward his brother. He should have had his ass kicked for leaving Abby in such a bloody mess.

“Are you mad at my mom?” came a small voice at his elbow. Giving himself a minute to get his anger under control, Conner turned his head and looked at Abby’s daughter. He wasn’t going to try any kind of dodge with this kid. His expression unsmiling, he shook his head. “No angel. I’m not mad at your mom. I’m mad at the person who upset your mom.”

Her head tipped to one side, Sarah watched him, considering his answer, and whether it was on the level.

Conner almost smiled. Both she and her brother had the Calhoun dark blue eyes and dark curly hair, but there was a whole lot of Abby in this one, especially in that pointed, determined little chin. As if deciding his answer was on the up-and-up, she announced, “Mom thaid we could have macaroni and cheese for dinner. Do you know how to make macaroni and cheese?” His mood lightening, Conner swung his niece into his arms, flipped her over and carried her into the house. He was rewarded with a squeal and a giggle.

“Of course I know how to make macaroni and cheese.”

Still giggling, Sarah grasped his pant legs. “You got your boots on, Uncle Conner. Mommy ith going to give you heck for having your boots on in the houth.”

He laughed and swung her over his shoulder. “And I suppose you’re going to tell her.”

She managed to get her arms around his neck. “Nope,” she said, squirming around to look him square in the eye, letting him know exactly what side his bread was buttered on. “Becauth you’re going to make me macaroni and cheese.”

Conner laughed and tipped her upside down again, letting her slide onto the kitchen table. This kid was going to pull out all the stops, that was for sure. He had to admit that his independent, strong-willed niece amused the hell out of him. But he didn’t kid himself either. Anyone taking on this kid was going to have to be quick off the mark to keep ahead of her. No doubt about it.

He fixed an early dinner for them and debated about waking Abby up, but decided against it. It was as if having someone there had allowed her to pull the plug on everything she’d been frantically juggling, and her body had simply shut down on her. She was still asleep when he put the kids to bed. And she was still out cold when he decided to turn in. He heard her get up in the middle of the night, and he forced himself to stay right where he was. He reminded himself that he had come here to help her, not make things worse.

In spite of the jumble of thoughts racing around in his head, he actually slept far better than he expected to. He awoke at sunrise, recalling the alarm clock he’d seen on Abby’s bedside table. Feeling slightly hungover, he pulled on a pair of jeans, then slipped down the hall and into Abby’s room, confiscating the clock. He’d be damned if he was going to let an alarm clock wake her.

He made the kids flapjacks for breakfast, managing to outmaneuver his niece when she tried to exploit his boots-in-the-house misdemeanor. And he didn’t even try to play referee when the two of them got into a pitched battle in the front hall over who got to go out the door first. He simply grabbed them both by the back of their school jackets and set them on the doorstep like a pair of boots. Obviously, by the stunned looks on their faces, their mother was more into negotiation and refereeing. Cody looked slightly peeved when the bus pulled away, but Sarah was dramatically blowing kisses from the back window. Conner couldn’t help but grin, wondering what nefarious schemes she was cooking up in that little head of hers.

He watched the bus disappear around the curve, then turned and went back into the house, his expression turning grim. It was time to take care of business. And it didn’t matter whether Abby liked it or not, he was taking over.

It took him no time to find the information he needed on the New York loan company—all he had to do was go through the efficiently organized desk in Abby’s office. With everything spread out before him, he made a list of things he had to deal with today, not the least of which was the branding.

With a fresh cup of coffee at his elbow, he used the phone in Abby’s office to handle the loan company, and he used his cell phone to keep up a running dialogue with Jake and Tanner at Cripple Creek. As crazy as it was, he could almost see the humor in it. It was the kind of situation a phone company would have snapped up for a TV commercial—a rancher directing the spring branding operation on one phone, while dealing with a financial institution in a different country on another.

And between specific instructions on the select group of calves he wanted left as bulls, he used Abby’s fax machine to fax his bank in Bolton his signature, authorizing his accounts manager to transfer the required funds to the loan company in New York. In less than an hour and a half, he had everything organized and settled. He figured with two phones and a fax, a person could darned near move mountains.

It was just before ten when Abby finally made an appearance. Conner was sitting at the kitchen table, another cup of coffee by his elbow, reading the newspaper when she stumbled in. She looked like hell—and he could tell she was on the verge of panic. He didn’t give that panic a chance to gather momentum. Before she could say anything, he held up his hand to halt her. “Kids on the bus, fed, teeth brushed, faces washed, socks matched.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “So take a load off, Mother. There’s fresh coffee in the pot.”

Normally, she would have nailed him with some sharp snippy comment, but she just stood there staring at him, the most awful look in her eyes. Then she covered her face with her hands and simply fell apart. Feeling as if he had inadvertently broadsided her somehow, Conner launched himself out of the chair, forgetting all his rules about keeping his distance.

He was just about to grab her when Abby stuck her arm out, as if blocking him. “Don’t,” she sobbed. “Don’t be nice to me, Conner. I can’t handle ‘nice’ right now.”

It was so Abby, that kind of comment, that he stopped dead in his tracks, not sure what in hell he should do. He had never felt so out of his depth in his whole life. She visibly pulled herself together and roughly dried her face on the baggy purple sweatshirt she was wearing. Then squaring her shoulders, she lifted her chin and marched over to the cupboard, yanked a mug off a shelf, slammed it on the counter and slopped coffee into it.

If she hadn’t looked so awful, and if she hadn’t damned near scared him half to death, he would have laughed. But this was no laughing matter. This woman was running on sheer grit and not a whole lot else, and he wasn’t going to stand around, waiting for her to unravel. He was going to start making some critical decisions here, whether she liked it or not.

Acid rolling around in his gut, he went over to the table, sat down and propped his feet up on another chair. Making sure his expression was a whole lot calmer than he felt, he slouched back and laced his hands across his chest. Giving himself a couple of seconds to get a grip, he squared his jaw and spoke. “Sit down, Abby.”

He had never used that abrupt tone on her—never—and her head came up and she looked at him as if he’d just said something foul and disgusting.

He fixed her with a steady stare. “You better sit down, Abby. This is going to take a while.”

She mustered some attitude and gave him a sour look, but she did sit down, plunking her mug on the table.

Not moving, Conner contemplated what to hit her with first. He figured he might as well start at the top. “I found the statements from the loan company in your desk—”

She started to get up, and he held up his hand, giving her a warning look. “You better get your butt in that chair, Abigail. Like I said, this is going to take a while.” She settled into her chair, a stunned look on her face, as if she didn’t know this person before her. Which was good. Conner wasn’t sure he knew this person either. He kept the same businesslike tone. “As I said, I found the statement from the loan company, and as of an hour and a half ago, the loan has been paid off. They are out of your hair, permanently.” He watched her too-thin face, and he caught a glimmer of acute relief in her eyes—as if a huge threat had been removed. He let his expression relax as he continued, his tone softer. “And I looked over your accounts, and the cold hard truth is that you need to unload this house. You can’t afford to keep it—it’s just going to drag you down deeper. So I have a plan.” Straightening, he dropped his feet to the floor, then leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. His expression determined, he fixed his gaze on hers. “I think we should call a real estate agent and list this place at a price that’s going to move it, but where you come out with no debt. Then I think we should get a moving company in here to pack everything up and haul it into storage.”

She tried to resurrect some indignation, her chin coming up. “You had no right to go through my finances, Conner. That was damned rude.”

Amused at her attempt to cut him down, he looked straight into her eyes. “No I didn’t, and yes I am.” He leaned back again, continuing with his plan. “After we get all that straightened away, I’m going to call the kids’ school, tell them there’s a family emergency, then I’m packing you all up and taking you back to Cripple Creek for the summer.”

That stark look was back in her eyes and her face was so pale it was scary. Obviously struggling, she clasped her hands between her legs and opened her mouth to speak. Conner knew she was going to set up a big argument. He never even gave her a chance to get started. “Don’t even think about arguing with me, Abby,” he said, his tone firm. “You’re coming home for the summer, and that’s that.”

She looked like a pathetic waif sitting there, the bones of her shoulders pronounced under the fleece fabric. Her hair was mostly out of the ponytail, and she just looked so damned forlorn. He would have given anything to have the right to go over there, pick her up and just hold her. But that was not his right—or his mission.

She never took her eyes off him, and his gut clenched when he realized she was trembling. He gave her a wry smile, his gaze fixed on her. “It’s a good plan, Abby,” he said softly. “You’ll have the whole summer to get it back together, and the kids will love it.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she bit her lip to keep it from trembling. Then she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, two tears spilling out. “I would have made it through if you hadn’t showed up,” she whispered brokenly. “I would have.”

Conner laced his hands tighter together to keep from touching her. She was fighting her little fight, and he respected her for that. And he knew it just wasn’t in her to go down without a struggle. “I know you would have. But it’s going to make me feel a whole lot better if you let me help you over this hump.”

She opened her eyes and stared at him, a hollow look back in her eyes; then she took a deep breath, as if fortifying herself. “This is only a loan,” she said, trying to call up some of her usual stubbornness. “I’ll pay you back the money.”

Knowing exactly where she was going, Conner decided it was time for him to draw his own line in the sand. His gaze fixed on her, he leaned back and folded his arms. “I don’t think so, darlin’. That money is a gift to your kids, so you don’t have a whole hell of a lot to say about it.”

His response caught her unawares. Abby gave a huff of uneven laughter, and clasped her head. “Ah, God, don’t start getting cute, Conner. I can’t dance that fast right now.”

A twitch of amusement surfacing, he watched her try to recover, not giving her an inch. “I don’t dance, Abigail. You should know that by now. And I don’t want a big argument. All I want from you right now is complete compliance.”

She wasn’t so down and out that she couldn’t even scrape up a decent dirty look. “And you know where you can stuff your compliance, Calhoun.”

He grinned and rocked back in his chair. “It’s a good plan, Abigail.” His expression turning serious, he spoke again, his tone soft and persuasive. “Like I said, I’d love to have you guys there for the summer, and you know the kids would love every minute of it. And it would give you a chance to regroup.”

Clearly struggling with a whole bunch of emotions, she tipped her head back, wrestling with her choices. Conner watched her, his gut in a knot, waiting for her answer. He could almost feel her internal battle—her pride and independence struggling to override her common sense.

Finally she dropped her head and looked at him, a tiny glimmer of humor in her eyes. “Okay. It is a good plan. But you might want to rethink that part about getting stuck with us for the summer.”

Liking her spunk, he rocked his chair farther back. “Hey. If I can ride herd on a bunch of range-ornery cows year after year, I can sure as hell manage one skinny woman and two kids for a couple of months.”

Clasping her arms around her, she tipped her head to one side, her expression changing as she considered him. Finally she spoke, her voice very soft and very husky. “Did anyone ever tell you that you make one hell of a white knight, Conner Calhoun?”

Discomfited by her comment, he got up and started folding the paper. He didn’t want her thinking that. He wasn’t a white knight by a long shot. Now that he had gotten what he wanted, part of him felt like a thief in the night.

The next week was absolute chaos, and Conner continued to have concerns about Abby. He could tell she was running on empty, yet she continued to drive herself to the limit. And on top of overseeing all the sorting and packing, she made an appointment with a head-hunting firm to start a job search, even though she was going to be out of the city.

About midway through the week, she managed to dredge up enough spunk to argue with him again over his payment of the loan. He finally got his back up and told her that the money was going to go to the kids anyway, and they just got it a little early, and for her to just drop it. She didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, but she did drop it. Finally. But even in the state she was in, she was amazing. He figured with her organizational skills, she could move a whole city if she had to.

One good thing was that the kids were ecstatic about spending the summer at Uncle Conner’s, and they would rattle on to anyone who would listen to them—the real estate agent, Abby’s nextdoor neighbor, Abby’s friend, Joanne, the guy from the moving company who came out to give them an estimate. Uncle Conner had promised them ponies, and Uncle Conner had a litter of newborn kittens in the barn, and he had dogs that herded cows. And Uncle Conner was going to take them fishing, and was going to let them sleep out on the veranda.

Uncle Conner began to wonder what he had let himself in for.

It took nine days to move the mountain—getting authorization for the kids’ early dismissal from school, household effects and Abby’s car in storage, mail forwarded, utilities canceled, bank notified. And by the time they boarded the plane for the flight to Calgary, Abby had that glassy-eyed look of a sleepwalker. But in spite of his concerns for her, Conner knew he had done the right thing. Hell, it was the only thing he could have done. He tried to convince himself that all she needed was a few weeks with no worries, good food, fresh country air and she would be as right as rain. But once she was settled in the window seat beside him, it was as if she simply let go. She was fast asleep before they’d even left the ground.

The skies in Calgary were bright and cloudless when they landed, and the kids were wound up like tops. Abby had slept the entire flight, and she was still half out of it when he left her with the luggage while he took the kids to pick up his truck from Park and Fly.

He figured she’d be back asleep before he got their suitcases loaded and the kids belted in the back seat of the extended cab, and he was right. Even the kids packed it in before they got out of the city, and he was left with nothing to keep his mind occupied—except his own thoughts. And those were very dangerous. He had been so busy playing big brother and Uncle Conner for the past few days, he had never even considered his own reality. And now here he was, heading home, and for two and a half months his world was going to be complete. And he was going to have to make the most of every second of that time. He had no illusions; that was going to be his allotment—two and a half months to last the rest of his life.

There had been changes since he’d left. The countryside was green from the several good rains and the warm weather. Every depression was full of water, and the ditches were sprinkled with bright patches of dandelions. God, it felt damned good to be back in these wide open spaces.




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