The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them
Elaine N. Aron
15-20% of children are Highly Sensitive – and they are often labelled shy, introverted, fussy or faddy. The real story is very different though and this intelligent, practical book helps parents know what to do, when to back off, and how to ensure their child is given the right sort of treatment at school.This book is the follow up to the author’s internationally best-selling personal development guide The Highly Sensitive Person.It is the first and only book for parents of highly sensitive children.It provides parents with insights and information so they can understand High Sensitivity, and help their highly sensitive child thrive in the world.It is important for these children to be understood so they can be helped to avoid the common traps of shyness and withdrawal that many highly sensitive fall into as they develop.Contains questionnaire for parents to find out if their child has the traits common in highly sensitive children.Discusses HSC’s at different ages – infant, toddler, school-age and adolescent.…
the highly sensitive child
Helping Our Children Thrive
When the World
Overwhelms Them
ELAINE N. ARON, PH.D.
Copyright (#ulink_492d736d-9757-5fda-b07e-aa05b278524a)
Thorsons
An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF
The website address is: www.thorsonselement.com (http://www.thorsonselement.com)
and Thorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
First published in the USA in 2002 by Broadway Books,
a division of Random House, Inc.
This edition published in 2003 by Thorsons
© 2002 Elaine N. Aron
Elaine N. Aron asserts the moral right to be
identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record of this book is available
from the British Library
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks
HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.
Source ISBN: 9780007163939
Ebook Edition © JUNE 2012 ISBN 9780007382897
Version: 2018-11-19
Dedication (#ulink_0b22f699-2aa1-5bb8-9447-2937aae2634e)
To sensitive children everywhere,
and to those who gently raise them so that they grow up
to be secure in a difficult world
Contents
Cover (#u20fd4e00-4b30-5b5c-8d76-f376a42520cf)
Title Page (#u555c4b53-2822-52ac-adbc-732232b94a90)
Copyright (#ucfe10d25-5013-53a6-8d09-7691f1024060)
Dedication (#u2e018fa7-d500-5bde-a65d-db5955df5c14)
Introduction (#ud4298f0e-eb07-5578-9ba6-1ca28bbf553b)
Is Your Child Highly Sensitive: A Parent’s Questionnaire (#u9422081b-1481-57c1-aa1e-69417d987b3f)
PART I: AN OVERVIEW OF THE SENSITIVE CHILD (#ubdeb8ce3-bb03-566a-afab-00879a16a672)
PART II: FROM INFANCY TO YOUNG ADULTHOOD (#litres_trial_promo)
Twenty Tips for Teachers (#litres_trial_promo)
Resources (#litres_trial_promo)
Notes (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Introduction (#ulink_34953855-0b38-546e-8a2b-5895ead312e7)
If you are reading these words, there is something about your child that makes you think he or she is highly sensitive. To best understand what that means, read over the checklist on pages xvii–xviii. If many of these statements apply to your child, read on … and welcome.
Almost everyone knows that even at birth children have their own personalities. “She always knew what she wanted, even as a baby, and she was going to have it or else.” “He was always good-natured. Feed him or not, change him or not—it hardly mattered.” Like every other child, yours has inherited her own unique combination of innate temperament traits. Yet each trait taken by itself is probably not unique, but is typical of a group of children, and so it can be easily described. “Strong-willed.” “Good-natured.” And so forth.
One such common inherited trait is high sensitivity, found in about 15 to 20 percent of children (the percentage is the same in boys and girls). Some infants seem fairly oblivious to whatever you feed them and whatever the temperature of the room may be; it does not matter to them if the stereo is on loud or the lights are bright. But highly sensitive infants seem to notice every slightly new taste, every change in temperature; they startle at loud noises and cry when a bright light is in their eyes. When they are older, they are often emotionally sensitive, too. They cry easily when their feelings are hurt, they worry more, and they can be so happy they “can’t bear it.” They also reflect before they act, so that they often come across as shy or afraid when they are merely observing. When they grow older still, they are often remarkable for their kindness and conscientiousness; they are upset by injustice, cruelty, or irresponsibility.
Even though it is possible to say a great deal about highly sensitive children (HSCs), no description will fit every child perfectly because, again, each HSC is unique, thanks to a unique combination of inherited traits plus different upbringings and school experiences. Your HSC may be outgoing or prefer to play alone, persistent or easily distracted, bossy and demanding or so adaptable he’s “almost too good.” But there is still a common thread of sensitivity you can recognize.
THE REASON FOR THIS BOOK
Now might be the time to tell you a little more about my study of high sensitivity in adults and how I came to extend my work to children and child-rearing. I am a research psychologist as well as a licensed clinical psychologist; I am also a highly sensitive person and the parent of one. As I describe in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), I began researching high sensitivity as a trait about twelve years ago, and so far I have interviewed or consulted with hundreds, maybe thousands, of sensitive adults, parents, and children. I have gathered questionnaire data from thousands of others. This research has also been published in the leading journals in my field. The information you will find in this book is based on solid evidence. In fact, it has been studied for fifty years in infants and children but described in other terms, such as low sensory threshold, innate shyness, introversion, fearfulness, inhibitedness, negativity, or timidity. So one could say that the basic reason for this book is that the trait needed renaming, especially when the old terms are applied to children. And in renaming it, we gain not only a more accurate description but new ways to think about our sensitive children.
For example, when a child is just watching, we tend to say she is shy or fearful without considering the possibility that this may be the expression of a sensitive individual’s innate preference to pause and observe before proceeding. Or we may hear that a child is “overreacting” or “cannot screen out irrelevant information” when he notices every mood and detail. But what is wrong with having a nervous system that is extremely good at registering the subtle nuances in a given situation? (Besides, who can say what is irrelevant? Noticing where the exit is might seem to most people like seeing “too many details”—until there’s a fire.)
Probably one reason I had this insight about renaming the trait was that, being highly sensitive myself, I knew a little better what was going on inside a sensitive person. True, we are a bit more likely to become shy or anxious after being exposed to certain adverse circumstances. But I am now convinced that it is sensitivity, not shyness or anxiety, that is the fundamental trait. Furthermore, both my research and the research of others indicate that it is primarily parenting that decides whether the expression of sensitivity will be an advantage or a source of anxiety. There are simply too many highly sensitive individuals—again, about 20 percent of the population—for this trait to be a consistent disadvantage. Evolution would not have permitted it. When we understand this trait as sensitivity, we can see its many assets, notice the many sensitive individuals who are thriving, speak of the trait accurately, and above all, parent sensitive children better.
Describing this trait as high sensitivity has been justified best, however, by the response to the concept from the hundreds of thousands who read The Highly Sensitive Person or The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, many of whom have told me, “That’s me—it fits me perfectly, and I never knew anyone else had these feelings … this hunger for enough down time and quiet, the almost constant awareness of others and concern for doing things right.” (This response has not been trivial. My first book, The Highly Sensitive Person, became a best-seller and has been translated into Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Greek, and Polish so far.) Many who contacted me also went on to say that they wished their parents had known about this trait when raising them, or they wanted advice on how to raise their own sensitive child.
Thus it seemed important to write The Highly Sensitive Child, particularly because the advice in the many generally good, one-size-fits-all parenting books leaves out issues that are important for HSCs, such as the need to maintain an optimal level of stimulation and how to do that. Missing just this point about arousal can lead to real problems, such as when a book suggests discipline methods that would so overarouse HSCs that they would be too upset to take in the moral lesson behind the correction. There is simply no other parenting book written with HSCs in mind.
Above all, this book was written because I know some of you are having considerable trouble raising an HSC. This should not be happening. Some of you may have even concluded that there is something wrong with your child or with you as a parent. This book will help alleviate that feeling. It really will. You will relax about your child and your child will be able to relax as well.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
I strongly urge you to read the whole book. The first half is about sensitivity, how your parenting is affected by your own temperament, and the biggest issues to be faced with HSCs, regardless of the age of your child. The second half focuses on specific age groups, all the way from infancy to the young adult who has left home. You should read about all ages of HSCs because (1) there are fresh ideas in each chapter that also apply to children of other ages; (2) under stress, HSCs can return to the behaviors and problems of a younger age, and when feeling good HSCs can act older than their age, so the advice for an age that your child is not may still apply right now; and (3) understanding what was happening during the years before you read this book and what will happen in the years ahead can help you a great deal with your child today.
The “Applying What You Have Learned” sections at the end of some chapters are, of course, optional, but should be helpful and enjoyable. And the case studies provided are all of real parents and children, with the names and identifying details changed, of course.
Above all, I hope that you use this book with pleasure. Having an HSC is a great blessing. Yes, there are some complications because your child is “different,” but here is this book’s motto (it was mine even before I understood that my son was an HSC): To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. You have one. And this book will teach you how to raise him to be not only exceptional, but healthy, loving, well-adjusted, and happy.
Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? A Parent’s Questionnaire (#ulink_ce32ece9-7912-5a67-8309-cbb83dc13f21)
Please answer each question as best you can. Answer TRUE if it is true or at least moderately true of your child, or was for a substantial time in the past. Answer FALSE if it has not been very true of your child, or was never true.
My child …
Scoring
If you answered TRUE to thirteen or more of the questions, your child is probably highly sensitive. But no psychological test is so accurate that you should base how you treat your child on it. If only one or two questions are true of your child, but they are extremely true, you might also be justified in calling your child highly sensitive.
PART I (#ulink_42be2f1c-a7aa-52d5-888c-2651d66bb534)
Chapter One
Sensitivity
A Better Light on “Shy” and “Fussy” Children
This chapter helps you decide if you have a highly sensitive child and explores the trait thoroughly. It also provides more knowledge about all of your child’s inherited temperament traits. Our goal will be to free you of any misconceptions you may have heard about sensitive children. Finally, we will distinguish high sensitivity from actual disorders (which it is not).
Well, if he were my child, he’d eat what was set before him.”
“Your daughter is so quiet—have you considered seeing a doctor about that?”
“He is so mature, so wise for his age. But he seems to think too much. Don’t you worry that he isn’t more happy and carefree?”
“Jodie’s feelings are so easily hurt. And she cries for other kids, too, when they are teased or hurt. And during the sad parts of stories. We don’t know what to do for her.”
“In my kindergarten class, everyone participates in group time, but your son refuses. Is he this stubborn at home?”
Are these sorts of comments familiar to you? They are to the parents I interviewed for this book. They had heard all sorts of well-intentioned comments like these from in-laws, teachers, other parents, and even mental health professionals. If you’ve received such comments, it is almost surely a sign that you are the parent of a highly sensitive child (HSC). And, of course, they are troubling, because you’re hearing that something is odd or wrong with your child, yet you find your child marvelously aware, caring, and sensitive. Furthermore, you know that if you followed the well-intentioned advice, like forcing your child to eat foods he dislikes, socialize when he does not feel like it, or taking him to a psychiatrist, your child would suffer. On the other hand, if you follow the lead of your child, he thrives. Yet the comments keep coming, so you wonder if you’re a bad parent and if your child’s behavior is your fault. I have heard this same story over and over.
THE OPERATING MANUAL FOR YOUR CHILD
No wonder you worry that you may be doing something wrong. You have no one to help you. You have probably noticed that most parenting books focus on “problem behaviors”—restlessness, distractibility, “wildness,” and aggression. Your child is probably anything but a problem in these senses. You’re struggling with issues that the books don’t talk about so much—eating problems, shyness, nightmares, worrying, and intense emotions that are not directed so much at others as they are simply outbursts. The usual advice that you eliminate unwanted behaviors through “consequences” (punishment) often does not work—your child seems crushed by punishment or even criticism.
In this book you will receive advice, but only for sensitive children and from parents of sensitive children, myself included, plus specialists in this trait. And our first advice is not to believe people when they imply there is something wrong with your child, and do not let your child believe it either. Nor are your child’s differences your fault. Of course parenting can always be improved, and this book will “improve” you more than others, because, again, it is written entirely with your “different” child in mind. But forget the idea that the problem is some basic flaw in parent or child.
“DISCOVERING” HIGH SENSITIVITY
According to my own scientific research and professional experience as well as that of many others who have studied this trait under different, less accurate labels, your child has a normal variation in innate human temperament. She is one of the 15 to 20 percent born highly sensitive—far too many for them all to be “abnormal.” Furthermore, the same percentage of sensitive individuals is found in every species that has been studied, as far as I know. With evolution behind it, there must be a good reason for the trait’s presence. We will get to that in a moment, but first, a little bit about this “discovery.”
I began studying high sensitivity in 1991, after another psychologist commented to me that I was highly sensitive. I was curious personally, not planning to write a book or even to try to tell anyone about my findings. In my community and the university where I was teaching, I merely asked to interview people who were “highly sensitive to physical or emotionally evocative stimuli” or “highly introverted.” At first I thought sensitivity might really be the same as introversion, which is the tendency to prefer to have one or two close friends with whom one can talk deeply, and not to be in large groups or meet strangers. Extroverts, on the other hand, like large gatherings, have many friends but usually talk less intimately with them, and enjoy meeting new people. It turned out that introversion was not the same as high sensitivity: Although 70 percent of highly sensitive people (HSP) are introverts, a tendency that is probably part of their strategy to reduce stimulation, 30 percent are extroverts. So I knew I had uncovered something new.
Why would a highly sensitive person be extroverted? According to my interviews, they were often raised in close, loving communities—in one case even a commune. For them, groups of people were familiar and meant safety. Others seemed to have been trained to be outgoing by their families—it was imperative, and as good HSPs they tried to do what was expected of them. One woman recalled the day and hour she decided to become an extrovert. She had lost her best and only friend and decided then and there not to depend anymore on having just one friend.
Since discovering that the trait of sensitivity is not the same as introversion, I have found other evidence that sensitive people are also not inherently shy or “neurotic”—that is, anxious and depressed. All of these descriptors are secondary, noninnate traits found in some sensitive people as well as in many who are not sensitive.
When I made my request to interview sensitive people, I was swamped with volunteers, and finally spoke individually with forty men and women of all ages and walks of life, for three hours each. They really wanted to talk about this—the term and why it meant so much to them the moment they heard it. (Many adults purchase The Highly Sensitive Person simply because they recognized themselves in the title, and likewise you may have bought this book because you recognized your child in its title.)
After discerning the many details of sensitivity from these interviews, I was able to create a long questionnaire about it, and later a shorter one (see pages 88–89), and have since given these to thousands of individuals. The 20 percent or so who are highly sensitive usually immediately grasp the concept as describing them. The non-sensitive 80 percent or so truly do not “get it” and some answer “no” to every item. I found the same results through a random phone survey. Sensitive people really are different.
Since then I have written and taught on the subject extensively, and soon saw the need for a book on raising highly sensitive children. There were too many sad stories from adults about their difficult childhoods, in which well-meaning parents caused tremendous pain because they did not know how to raise a sensitive child. So I interviewed parents and children, and from those talks developed a questionnaire that was given to over a hundred parents of all types of children. That survey, when honed down to the questions that best distinguish HSCs from non-HSCs, became the parent’s questionnaire at the end of the Introduction.
WHAT IS HIGH SENSITIVITY?
Highly sensitive individuals are those born with a tendency to notice more in their environment and deeply reflect on everything before acting, as compared to those who notice less and act quickly and impulsively. As a result, sensitive people, both children and adults, tend to be empathic, smart, intuitive, creative, careful, and conscientious (they are aware of the effects of a misdeed, and so are less likely to commit one). They are also more easily overwhelmed by “high volume” or large quantities of input arriving at once. They try to avoid this, and thus seem to be shy or timid or “party poopers.” When they cannot avoid overstimulation, they seem “easily upset” and “too sensitive.”
Although HSCs notice more, they do not necessarily have better eyes, ears, sense of smell, or taste buds—although some do report having at least one sense that is very keen. Mainly, their brains process information more thoroughly. This processing is not just in the brain, however, since highly sensitive people, children or adults, have faster reflexes (a reaction usually from the spinal cord); are more affected by pain, medications, and stimulants; and have more reactive immune systems and more allergies. In a sense, their entire body is designed to detect and understand more precisely whatever comes in.
How HSCs Sort Oranges
When I was little my father liked to take our family to visit factories, where he would talk the managers into taking us on a tour. The steel mills and glass manufacturers overwhelmed me, of course, because I was highly sensitive. They were too loud, hot, and fiery, and I would cry, so that I dreaded these trips. My nonsensitive family members, on the other hand, were annoyed by my tour-stopping behaviors. But I liked one tour—the orange-packing plant. I liked the ingenious invention that moved the oranges down a shaking conveyer belt until they fell into one of three sized slots—small, medium, or large.
I now use that experience as a way to describe the brains of HSCs. Instead of having three slots for processing what comes down the conveyer belt to them, they have fifteen slots, for making very fine distinctions. And all goes well until too many oranges come down the belt at once. Then you have a huge jam up.
So of course HSCs probably will not like the loud mariachi band in the Mexican restaurant, noisy birthday parties, playing fast-paced team sports, or everyone watching while they give an answer in class. But if you need a guitar tuned, a clever idea for party favors, a witty play on words, or to win a game like chess that requires anticipating consequences or noticing subtle differences, your HSC is the one to have around.
Is It All or None?
Can your child be just a little sensitive? Some researchers say you either have the trait or you do not; others say it is a continuum. My own research says both—that is, some HSCs seem more sensitive than others, probably because there are so many ways that a child’s environment can increase or decrease how much sensitivity is expressed. But if it were a true continuum, like height or weight, most people would be in the middle. In fact, the distribution of highly sensitive people is more like a flat line, perhaps even with a few more people at either end.
Inside the Highly Sensitive Child
Let’s go farther inside the mind of your HSC. Yes, he notices more, but he may have a “specialty.” Some tune in to social cues, mainly noticing moods, expressions, or relationships. Some HSCs mainly notice the natural world, such as changes in the weather or the qualities of plants, or they seem to have an uncanny ability to communicate with animals. Some express subtle concepts, or the humorous and ironic. And some are mainly vigilant in new surroundings while others are mainly bothered by a change in the familiar. Still, in all cases, they are noticing more.
Your HSC is also thinking more than other kids about what she has noticed. Again, there is always variation. She may be pondering and asking you questions about social dilemmas—why you did what you did, why one kid teased another—or larger social issues. Another HSC might be trying to solve difficult math or logic puzzles, or worrying about “what would happen if,” or making up stories or imagining their cat’s thoughts. All kids do these things, but HSCs do them more.
The HSCs’ reflecting on “what’s come in,” particularly whatever they have seen or heard, may be quite conscious and obvious, as when they ask for more time to decide something. (You have probably noticed that trying to get an HSC to decide quickly is like trying to walk a male dog quickly past fire hydrants.) But often HSCs’ processing is entirely unconscious, as when they just intuitively sense what is going on with you. Indeed, intuition might be defined as knowing something without knowing how you know it, and sensitive people are generally highly intuitive.
The processing may be rapid, as when a child instantly knows “something’s up” or “you changed my sheets” when other children would not notice. Or it may be slow, as when HSCs think about something for hours, then announce some startling insight.
Finally, as a result of taking in more and processing it more completely, if the situation is creating an emotional response (and all situations do to some extent), your HSC is going to feel stronger emotions. Sometimes it’s intense love, awe, or joy. But because all children are dealing with new, stressful situations every day, HSCs will also have to feel fear, anger, and sadness, and feel these more intensely than other children.
Because of these strong feelings and deep thoughts, most HSCs are unusually empathic. So they suffer more when others suffer and become interested early in social justice. They are also brilliant interpreters of what is happening in anything or anyone that cannot speak—plants, animals, organs in bodies, babies, those not speaking the sensitive person’s language, and the very elderly when they suffer from dementia. They tend to have rich inner lives. And again, HSCs are conscientious for their age—they can imagine for themselves or understand when you say “what if everybody did that.” They also tend to seek the meaning of their lives very early.
Mind you, HSCs are not saints. In particular, with a few bad experiences, they are more likely than others to become shy, fearful, or depressed. But with a little gentle guidance, they are exceptionally creative, cooperative, and kind—except when overwhelmed. And whatever they are doing—or not doing—HSCs do stand out, even though they are not “problems” in the usual sense.
Long before I knew I was raising a highly sensitive child, I just knew my son was “different.” He was aware, incredibly creative, conscientious, cautious in new situations, easily hurt by his peers, not fond of “rough and tumble” play or sports, and emotionally intense. He was hard to raise in some ways, easy in others, and always stood out, even if only as the kid who was not joining in. So I developed the motto that I shared with you in the Introduction: If you want to have an exceptional child, you must be willing to have an exceptional child.
The Problem of Becoming Easily Overstimulated
Although I could sing the praises of HSCs for many pages, you are reading this book because you need help. Unfortunately, most people—and that includes parents—tend to notice mostly the down side of sensitivity. This is, again, because HSCs are easily bothered by things other children do not notice, and can become totally overwhelmed by a noisy, complex, constantly changing situation, like a classroom or a family reunion, especially if they are in that environment for too long. How could they not be bothered, when they sense so much in every situation? But given the fact that HSCs are in the minority, their reactions and solutions often seem odd to others. Hence all those hints from others, or perhaps suspicions in your own mind, that your child is abnormal.
What are some of the ways in which HSCs try to deal with overstimulation? No child will do all of these, but some will likely be familiar to you. Often HSCs complain a great deal—it’s too hot, too cold, the fabric is too itchy, the food is too spicy, the room smells too weird—things other children would not even notice. And they may choose to play alone, watch quietly from the sidelines, eat only familiar foods, or stay in one room or indoors or in a certain spot outside. They may refuse for a few minutes, hours, days, or even months to speak to adults, strangers, or in class. Or they may avoid “typical, fun kid activities” like summer camp, soccer, parties, or dating.
Some HSCs throw tantrums and have rages to avoid what irritates or overwhelms them or as a reaction to it. Others try to cause no trouble, to be perfectly obedient, hoping no one will notice them or expect more of them. Some stay glued to the computer or read all day, mastering a smaller world. Others will begin to overcompensate for what seems to them to be a flaw, by striving to be stars or perfect.
Some overstimulated HSCs bounce off the walls and seem to have attention deficit disorder, ADD (but their attention is fine when they are not overstimulated and have their priorities straight—more about that later). Or they have “meltdowns,” lying on the floor and screaming. Others become very still and quiet when overstimulated. Some develop stomachaches or headaches—their body’s reaction and also its solution if that means they can go and rest.
Finally, as we will see, some HSCs feel they have tried everything and finally give up. They become afraid and withdrawn and lose hope.
Children can exhibit any of these behaviors for other reasons, and all children can become overstimulated without being HSCs. But too often sensitivity is the last explanation adults think of when children rage, are depressed, bounce off the walls, have stomachaches, or become stressed-out overachievers. It is my hope that, with the publication of this book, people will no longer overlook that possibility. At the end of the chapter I will discuss how to distinguish an overaroused HSC from children who are not sensitive and children with more serious problems.
If There Are So Many HSCs, Why Haven’t I Heard of This Before?
Today, we know that about 50 percent of personality is caused by innate temperament differences such as high sensitivity. The other 50 percent is caused by experiences or the “environment.” But not so long ago psychologists believed that a person’s personality was completely determined by experiences, especially experiences within the family.
When psychologists did begin to study temperament, it was easy to describe the actions and feelings of active children as they were observed in the laboratory or at school, but harder to describe those who stood in the back of the room or were quiet. You might say that this difference of doing less was the easiest to observe—all cultures observe this difference in people—but the hardest to describe. So observers tended to assume that the quiet ones were shy, afraid, unsocial, or inhibited. In identifying the trait of high sensitivity, we have simply gained a more accurate label.
I see no evidence that children are born afraid, timid, shy (afraid of social judgments), negative, or preferring to avoid human contact. Such innate fear would be a terrible flaw in a social species such as ours. It would not have withstood the tests of evolution and been passed on over generations, as this trait clearly has been. All of these reactions or characteristics, if they arise, can be better understood as a vulnerability due to something more basic, sensitivity. (Or in some shy, fearful, inhibited nonsensitive people, these reactions are purely due to bad experiences, but not genetics.)
What we call this trait does matter. Labels tell us what we are dealing with as well as affect how children are viewed and view themselves. Naturally, those in the majority, the nonsensitive, have developed assumptions about what is going on inside sensitive children. Sometimes they may be projecting a bit—seeing in the “other” what they do not like and want to be rid of in themselves (perhaps fear or what they see as “softness” or “weakness”). But from the inside, sensitive children and their parents know the rest of the story—these children are sensitive.
IS YOUR CHILD HIGHLY SENSITIVE?
If you have not already done so, fill out the questionnaire at the end of the Introduction. Every “true” is a statement about an HSC. These questions are the result of research involving thousands of children. However, not all the statements will be true of every HSC. Children, like adults, vary enormously, in both their other inherited traits and the environment in which they grow up. So another way to decide is to do what you are doing—reading this chapter—and then seeing if it seems to fit your child.
Parents often know right away that they have an unusually sensitive child. Any newborn can be fussy or colicky, but sensitive infants cry mainly when there’s too much (for them) happening around them for too long. And for a sensitive infant, it takes much less to be “too much.” Sensitive children are also more affected by the moods of their parents—for example, anxiety. You can imagine the vicious circle that can create—you will find more on this topic in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo).
On the other hand, some sensitive babies don’t cry very much at all. Their parents have caught on to their infant’s sensitivity, perhaps because they are sensitive themselves, and have kept their child’s world calm and not too stimulating. Yet sensitive infants are still noticeable—they seem to follow everything with their eyes, respond to every sound or change in tone, and react to the fabrics against their skin or the temperature of their bathwater. As they grow, HSCs notice even more—that you are wearing a new shirt, that the broccoli has some spaghetti sauce on it, that there aren’t any trees growing here, that Grandma moved the sofa. And again, they are even more easily overwhelmed as they grow because they are experiencing so much more and have not yet become familiar with what they see, or learned how to reduce what their senses are absorbing.
So Why Is My Child Sensitive but Others Aren’t?
Any temperament trait is an innate, and thus very basic, aspect of a person’s behavior. It is genetically determined and usually present from birth. The basic temperament traits are found not only in humans but in all higher animals. Think of the temperaments typical in different breeds of dogs—the friendly Lab, the aggressive pit bull, the protective sheep dog, the proud prancing poodle. How they are raised matters, too, of course, but you cannot make a bulldog act like a Chihuahua. These personalities evolved, or were developed by breeders, because they are highly adaptive in certain situations. Therefore they are not disorders or impairments. All of them are normal dogs.
Biologists used to think that evolution guided every species toward a perfectly adapted prototype for living in a particular ecological niche. There is a design for an elephant that will work perfectly—a perfect length of trunk, height, thickness of skin. Elephants born with these features will survive while those that do not will die out.
Yet it turns out that in most or perhaps all animal species we find two “personalities.” A sizable minority are like your child—more sensitive, aware of subtleties, checking everything before proceeding—while the majority go boldly ahead without paying close attention to the situation or their surroundings.
Why would this difference exist? Imagine two deer at the edge of a meadow with grass that looks especially nutritious. One deer will pause a long time to be certain no predators are lurking. The other will pause briefly, then rush out and eat the grass. If the first deer was right, the second deer is dead. If the second deer is right, the first deer misses out on the best grass and, if this happens often, may suffer from malnutrition, become diseased, and die. So having two strategies, two “breeds” of deer in a herd, increases the odds of that group of deer surviving no matter what happens in the meadow that day.
Interestingly, even a study of fruit flies found this difference—and the gene that causes it. Some fruit flies have a place on their “forage” gene that makes them “sitters”—they do not forage far when food is present. Others are called “rovers” and do forage afar. Even more interesting, the gene causes the sitters to have the more sensitive, highly developed nervous systems!
In another animal experiment, looking at the “personality types” of pumpkinseed sunfish, a pond was filled with traps. According to the researchers, the majority of fish were “bold” and behaved “normally” by going into the traps, while the minority, the “shy” fish, escaped the traps. (What I want to know is why the two types weren’t called the stupid and the smart sunfish? Or at least the nonsensitive and sensitive!)
HOW THE HUMAN SPECIES WILL BENEFIT FROM YOUR HSC
In human groups there are enormous advantages to having a large minority who reflect before acting. They notice potential danger sooner; the others can then rush out to take care of it (and even enjoy the excitement of it all). The sensitive ones think carefully about consequences, too, and often insist that the others pause, see what may happen, and develop the best strategy. Clearly the two work best in combination.
Traditionally, sensitive people have been the scientists, counselors, theologians, historians, lawyers, doctors, nurses, teachers, and artists (for example, at one time sensitive people naturally became their town’s schoolmaster or -mistress, preacher, or family doctor). But, increasingly, sensitive persons are being nudged out of all these fields due to what seems to be a cycle that starts with the nonsensitive moving aggressively into decision-making roles, where they, quite naturally due to their temperaments, devalue cautious decision making, emphasize short-term profits or flashy results assertively presented over a quieter concern for consistent quality and long-term consequences, and do not need and so eliminate calm work environments and reasonable work schedules. Sensitive people are discounted, have less influence, suffer, or quit. Then the non-sensitive control the profession even more.
My description of this cycle is not meant as a complaint—merely an observation about a probable reason for these professions becoming more profit-oriented and less satisfactory in their results. In today’s world, too, if decision makers are not thinking enough about complexities and consequences, there is also danger as well as discomfort when there is an imbalance between the influence of the sensitive and nonsensitive. So it is critical for all of us that your HSC emerge from your home feeling confident and important, so he can share his gifts and have a solid influence on others.
Your Child Is Still Utterly Unique—Like Rhoda’s Three
Now that I have made a case for “sensitive” as the best label for this trait, let’s admit one problem with labels (there are others of course). It seems as though as soon as we give something a label, we think we know quite a bit about it, whether it is a camellia, a German shepherd, or an HSC. In fact, we still know very little about each individual camellia, German shepherd, or HSC.
As I interviewed parents and children specifically for this book, I was stunned by the uniqueness of each HSC, even more than in adults. It made me agree yet again with Margaret Mead, who said that children are born with a great variety of traits, like the many hues of a palette, but the culture encourages only certain ones. The others are ignored or flatly discouraged, so that by adulthood there is less variety.
In childhood, however, there is a vast palette, even among HSCs. Consider Rhoda, a highly sensitive person with three older HSCs—ages twenty-two, twenty, and sixteen. As children, they were all more aware of stimuli than other kids. They all needed more rest and “down time” than their peers. People told all three of them at various times that they were “overreacting” and “too sensitive.” Each found some form of artistic endeavor to express their intense awareness.
But such different children! Ann, the oldest, is a photographer. She likes fresh experiences—she rides motorcycles, jumps out of airplanes. Andrew, the middle child, is conservative, particular, and “fussy.” He is a visual artist. His work is very detailed and careful. From birth he was always the most sensitive to sound and to scents.
All three are intensely emotional, but Ann and Andrew do not let it show. Tina, the youngest, has always been more dramatic and expressive. As a child she threw tantrums. As a teenager she has dark depressions. Her art form is poetry—something she can read out loud. Her colds are more likely to become bronchitis or even pneumonia, something that takes her to the doctor’s office.
WHY DO EVEN HSCS VARY SO MUCH?
One reason for the variation among HSCs is that temperament traits seem to be caused by several genes, each having small, cumulative effects. Thus each different flavor of sensitivity—sensitivity to the subtle, the overwhelming, the new, the emotional, the social, or the physical and nonsocial—may be caused by a different gene. Yet there is still something common to these different sensitivities and they may tend to be inherited together. (If the underlying trait was not one trait, my questionnaire would have uncovered several different “factors,” but there was only one.)
Here are more examples of the range of HSCs. Yes, Rhoda’s youngest, Tina, had tantrums, as do many HSCs when young and overstimulated. But in this book you will also meet Alice, who is three and has never had a tantrum. She is strong-willed and opinionated, but when she wants something, she says it in a way that is almost uncanny in its maturity.
You will meet Walt, seven, who hates sports (but loves chess); Randall, nine, who will only play baseball, and only if his mother coaches the team; and Chuck, also nine, who will play any sport and be good at it. He climbs high and loves to ski, but he knows his terrain and his limits. (On a recent skiing trip, Chuck was caught at the top in a blizzard. He cried from the stress of it, but insisted on going down anyway.)
Chuck is an indifferent student; Walt and Randall are doing great academically. Catherine has been advanced almost every grade, starting with a move from preschool to kindergarten. And Maria was her high school’s valedictorian and graduated summa cum laude in chemistry from Harvard.
You already read about Tina being an extrovert. Chuck is also extroverted, popular, already discovered by the girls. In contrast, Randall has limited friendships, mainly because he does not like to go to other homes—he dislikes the unfamiliar family members, food, and routines.
Sometimes the quality that parents notice most is their child’s emotional sensitivity. You’ll meet River, a teenager so aware of others’ emotions that he begged his mother to take in a homeless person he found in the park. (His mother decided to let the man stay until her son realized the problems with the situation and found another solution, which he did after three months.)
Melanie, eight, is another HSC with emotional sensitivity. She cries if she feels embarrassed or if someone else is teased. Her sensitivity also extends to physical pain. Afraid of falling, she did not learn to ride a bike without training wheels until her sister, three years younger, learned. Her pride finally forced her to take the risk.
Walt is mostly sensitive to new situations and people. Consider Walt’s first experience with grass: He crawled to the edge of a blanket, continued onto the grass, and cried from the shock of it. His mother remembers that two years later his sister crawled to the edge of the blanket, felt the grass, and just kept going.
Larry, thirteen now, is mostly sensitive to sound, clothing, and foods. Until kindergarten he only wore sweatshirts and sweatpants. He could not bear the roughness of jeans. Like Walt, he also doesn’t like new situations—he refuses to go to camp or take long vacations.
Mitchell, five, seems to have all the characteristics of an HSC. He is sensitive to social novelty, so he’s really struggling with starting school. He does not like birthday parties and will not wear a costume at Halloween, not wanting everyone looking at him. He is slow verbally because he’s thinking so much before he speaks—he developed some stuttering after his older cousins came to visit because he had trouble speaking as quickly as they did. He has the physical sensitivity, too, so that he does not like foods that have been mixed or socks that rub. His mother cuts the tags from his clothing because they bother his neck and waist.
THEN THERE IS EMILIO
Emilio, seven, is not quite like any of the others, yet he has the same underlying “feel.” He is very sociable and has no trouble meeting new people. He eats everything, eagerly, and is not fussy about what he wears. Yet despite his extroversion, he dislikes noise and parties and needs plenty of down time and a schedule. His sensitivity was clearly manifested in his self-imposed solution to overstimulation in infancy—in fact, it showed signs of true genius.
For the first two months of life Emilio had been crying every night at the same time, right on schedule, and was obviously miserable. Then his parents bought a playpen. From then on he was happy in it and nowhere else. He ate there, slept there, played there. If his mother took him out, he howled, and as soon as he was old enough, he crawled right back to it. He had no interest in exploring the cupboards or closets. He wanted his playpen!
Neighbors and relatives felt sorry for him, and told Emilio’s mother she had to get rid of that baby prison and stunter of exploration—a perfect example of that familiar, well-meaning advice that implies something is wrong with either the child or the parents.
But Emilio’s mother could not bear to separate her infant from his playpen. It made him too happy. The playpen was in the living room, so he was included in most family life, and to Prince Emilio it seemed to be more like a castle than a dungeon. So his mother decided to stop making an issue of it—as long as the floor of it did not break under her chubby son’s bouncing! She knew he would not be there when he was twenty. And in fact, at two and a half, when his younger brother needed it, he gave it up, not wanting to seem like a baby.
Another Source of Variation—Two Competing Systems
Another reason for the variations in the behavior of HSCs is suggested by one of the scientific models for the cause of sensitivity, which is that sensitive persons have a very active “behavioral inhibition system.” All brains have this system, but in the highly sensitive it is thought to be especially strong or active. For example, this system is associated with an active right hemisphere of the thinking part of the brain (the frontal cortex), and babies with more electrical activity and blood flow on the right side of the brain are more likely to be HSCs.
I prefer to call this system in the brain the “pause-to-check system” because that is what it really does. It is designed to look at the situation you are in and see if it is similar to any past situations stored in your memory. So it only causes “inhibition” for a moment—unless, of course, the prior similar situation was threatening. Otherwise, after a brief pause to check, one could just as easily decide to rush ahead.
For the highly sensitive, the pause-to-check urge is probably strong because they have so much input to process from every situation. Consider the two deer pausing at the edge of the meadow. The highly sensitive deer is noticing subtle scents, shadows, shades of color, tiny movements caused by the wind—or perhaps not caused by wind but by a predator. The less sensitive deer is not noticing all of this so has less to process, less reason to pause.
What the less sensitive deer has is a stronger “behavioral activation system”—it sees some good grass in the meadow and after a very brief check, it heads for it. This system, which I will call the “go-for-it system,” causes us to be eager to explore, succeed, and pursue the good things in life. It makes us want new experiences, try new things, all in the interest of knowing, acquiring, thriving.
Again, everyone has both systems, and these two systems are controlled by separate genes. Thus one can have a very strong inhibition system or a strong activation system, or both, or neither. HSCs who are high on both are like Ann or Chuck—always exploring, trying new things, climbing higher. But being HSCs, too, they do it carefully, usually without taking big risks. They know their limits.
So, another major source of variation among HSCs is the relative strength of these two systems. I will discuss this more in Chapter 3 (#u81717e4b-cea1-5683-9c12-891f9e778533).
Now It Really Gets Complicated—So Many Other Traits
Yet another source of variation besides different genes for different kinds of sensitivity and the relative balance of the aforementioned two systems are your child’s other inherited traits. Those who study temperament have come up with several different lists. (I think of them as different ways to slice the same pie.) The best-known list is of nine traits, arising from the work of Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess. As you seek to better understand your HSC, it is important to know something about these other temperament traits. So let’s consider each, in the light of high sensitivity (the definitions are from Jan Kristal’s The Temperament Perspective).
1. Low sensory threshold. On this list from Thomas and Chess, low sensory threshold is the equivalent of high sensitivity, although their term seems to imply that the five senses are the main source of the trait and does not emphasize the deeper processing of experiences, including imagined or remembered experiences, with all their emotional implications.
2. Activity or energy level. Active children have a great zest for life. They are independent and approach everything with their entire mind and body on. They are usually well coordinated, quick to walk and talk, eager to learn, but exhausting to parent. Less active children are calm, seldom fidgety or restless, better at fine motor skills than gross ones, and in no hurry. HSCs can vary on this as much as other children (it is probably affected more by the go-for-it system). Being high in activity can help an HSC move out into the world. But when considering activity level, I like to think about both inner and outer activity. Some children, HSCs in particular, may be outwardly quiet but their minds are buzzing.
3. Intensity of emotional response. Intense children put considerable energy into their emotional expression. They seem dramatic and loud; you do not have to guess what they are feeling. Low-intensity children are subdued, showing their displeasure with little fuss, never a tantrum. Most HSCs have intense responses, but many would be considered low on this trait because they do not express their reactions outwardly, in dramatics, so much as inwardly, with stomachaches or anxiousness. It is usually not hard to see their intense response if you are paying attention. And HSCs who are outwardly intense—there are some—at least grow up with the advantage that they let the world know when they are overwhelmed.
3. Rhythmicity. Children with this trait are very predictable. You know what time they will be hungry, sleepy, or have bowel movements. When older, they are creatures of habit, keep their rooms orderly, eat regular meals and snacks, and get their work done on time. Most HSCs are fairly predictable, probably because they thrive on order, and this can be a great advantage to you and your child. But your HSC may also be quite unpredictable.
5. Adaptability. Children who are very adaptable go with the flow; they can handle changes, transitions, and interruptions; they make good travelers. Slow-adapting children need to know what to expect and when to expect it, and don’t like change that happens suddenly. They want to control situations when they don’t know what to expect. A simple statement like “Time to eat” may be met with stalling or a complete tantrum. Most HSCs seem to be poor adapters, but in reality they are being asked to adapt to too much. They are overwhelmed, or afraid of being overwhelmed, by all the new stimulation that must be processed before they can relax. On the other hand, HSCs can see the consequences if they do not adapt, both for themselves and those around them, and will try their best to be flexible. What is frustrating for parents is that these children often keep it together when away from the family, then when they come home, they “lose it” when asked to make a small transition. For the sake of being socially appropriate, they have overtaxed their ability to handle change. At home they feel free to let go.
6. Initial Reaction or approach/withdrawal. One child rushes into things, another is slow to warm up. Most HSCs pause to check, but if the HSC also has a strong go-for-it system, she might be fairly quick to engage with new people and things if it feels safe.
7. Persistence. Some children stick to a task no matter what. They like to finish what they start; they will practice something until they master it. We say they have a long attention span, until it becomes a problem, then we call it stubbornness. Other children stay with an activity briefly, then move on. It may be that they are easily frustrated and give up more easily. This is a separate trait from sensitivity, but sensitivity affects it. For example, since HSCs process things so deeply, they tend to be persistent. But their vision of how to do something perfectly can make them frustrated when they cannot achieve it, which leads to overarousal and a sense of failure, and then they want to quit and are not persistent. Or some will drop everything—not persist—if they see that someone needs or desires them to do something different.
8. Distractibility. This refers to how easily a child can be taken “off task” or shifts on his own from one activity to another. How does this differ from low persistence? A distractible child will look up from reading if someone walks by; if he is also persistent, the child will return to reading. A less persistent child keeps watching. A less distractible child would not even notice the person walking by. If he’s also not persistent, he will not read for long either, but not necessarily because of any distraction. HSCs are fairly distractible, since they notice so much, but their deep processing usually overrides their distractibility—that is, in a quiet place with no inner worries they have deep concentration.
9. Predominate Mood. Some children are said to be naturally cheerful, some irritable, some pessimistic. Many temperament counselors no longer use these labels, because they recognize that a child’s mood is deeply affected by her environment and experiences. I do not see any one mood predominating in HSCs, although I do see their moods affected more by life experiences than non-HSCs.
CLEARING UP AGAIN THOSE OLD MISCONCEPTIONS
As we come to the end of our introduction to highly sensitive children, it is equally helpful to pinpoint what your child is not. People have probably labeled your HSC in various ways that sound so true you may find it difficult to ignore those labels. So let’s consider some of these and whether they have any real merit.
First, is your child “fussy”? Yes, HSCs are definitely bothered more by “little” discomforts, changes, or oddities. But “little” is in the eyes of the beholder. What seems neat, clean, comfortable, or scent-free to one person is dirty, miserable, and reeking to another. If it is the same macaroni to you whether it’s shell-shaped or elbow-shaped, it is not to your tearful child. Respecting the reality of your HSC’s experience is basic to getting along with her. It’s okay if you do not like your child’s reactions—you each have likes and dislikes—but you each have to be respectful. You can allow your child not to like the macaroni’s shape, and she should be polite about it. Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) has advice on handling your child’s discomforts. But we will not call this type of response “fussy.”
Second, your child is not inherently timid or fearful. Again, I doubt any individual—animal or human—is born highly afraid of everything. Except for a few specific fears, such as the fear of falling, we learn what to fear from experience. It is actually rather easy to tell the difference between fear due to past bad experiences and sensitivity—people who like to pet dogs or cats know what I mean. Both the “shy” and the sensitive animals may hang back and watch you rather than rush forward. But the sensitive ones are alert, curious, and come forward eventually, deciding about you and then sticking to that decision the next time you meet. The frightened ones can barely look at you, are tense, distracted, and miserable, and may never come forward, or if they do, you have to go through it again the next time around.
It is also true that once HSCs have had bad experiences or feel unsupported, then when they do pause to check they cannot compare the new situation to old ones and assume all is well, so they truly are fearful. But to think of these children only as fearful is to miss their essence and especially their assets. When we see a lovely fair-skinned person with blond hair and blue eyes, we don’t say, “Oh, look at that skin cancer – prone person.” So why focus on the greater potential for fear in HSCs? It is important to regard every personality trait as having a purpose and to focus on the situations in which it is adaptive as well as the times when it is not.
In the same vein, HSCs are not born “shy.” I doubt anyone is born shy in the sense of fearing the negative opinions of others and being seen as not good enough. Of course, the word shy is loosely tossed around, especially about those who hang back for any reason. “Shy” is even used with animals—people will say that one in every litter is born “shy.” But when it is used in this loose way to describe any kind of hesitance, again, you are probably inaccurately labeling a child who is actually an HSC.
I was present on the first day of preschool for both my son and, fifteen years later, my nephew. Both boys, both HSCs, stood at the back of the room, just stunned by all the kids, toys, and activity. I could tell they were not afraid. They were just watching, fascinated. Both times a teacher came up and asked them if they were “shy” or “afraid.” The labeling had already begun for them.
Third, introverted HSCs do not “dislike people.” Introverts simply prefer being with one or two close friends rather than in large groups or meeting strangers. Another way to think of introverts is that they prefer to step back and reflect on what they encounter; extroverts prefer to rush forward. Introverts value the inner, subjective experience of what they encounter; extroverts value the outer, “actual” objective experience.
As I said earlier, when I began my research, I thought sensitivity might be the same as introversion, and by the last definition, it is. But most people think of introversion and extroversion as a description of how sociable one is. And by that definition, as I’ve said, about 70 percent of HSCs are introverts, but not all; some are extroverts. And not all social introverts are highly sensitive. Are introversion and extroversion inherited differences? We do not know for sure. What matters is that you know your child’s preferred, most comfortable style.
Fourth, your child is not even “overly sensitive.” Professionals with a medical background tend to think of sensitivity as a disorder, a problem of being “too sensitive” and unable to filter or coordinate the information they take in. For example, occupational therapists who use Sensory Integration Therapy to treat real problems include “oversensitivity” as a problem, as if it can be cured.
I do not wish to be critical of Sensory Integration, however. Certainly, sensitive children, like all children, may have a sensory integration problem. These show up as difficulty with balance, awkwardness or stiffness of motion, lack of coordination, and so forth. Many parents have told me that they found Sensory Integration very helpful for their HSCs, although it takes time. But I do not think being sensitive as I have defined it is a problem to be treated, much less cured. (Whenever anyone says an HSC is “overly” sensitive or taking in “irrelevant” information, I think of Sherlock Holmes, who found everything relevant.)
Finally, HSCs are not mentally ill and will not become mentally ill unless put under unusual stress. As Jerome Kagan of Harvard said about “highly reactive infants,” 90 percent do not become consistently inhibited or anxious as adults. Studies of adolescent anxiety finds it unrelated to shyness in early childhood, except in rare cases in which the families already had members with anxiety disorders. Finally, there is my own research, which indicates that those HSCs with reasonably normal childhoods were no more prone to anxiety, depression, or shyness than non-HSCs.
Furthermore, two studies have found that “reactive” children (HSCs) with good childhoods are actually less likely to have physical illnesses or injuries than non-HSCs (suggesting they are emotionally healthier as well).
STILL UNSURE IF YOUR CHILD IS AN HSC?
At the start of the chapter I said that a good way to know if your child is an HSC is simply to read this chapter and see if it fits. To help you draw your conclusion I need to make a few more comments.
First, your child is probably not an HSC if he is sensitive about only one thing, or only about something that would be expected for his age. For example, most children develop a fear of strangers in the second half of the first year, and become fussy about how things are done when they are two. Most young children are bothered by very loud noises and separations from their parents. They almost all have some nightmares.
Your child is also probably not an HSC if there was no sensitivity or fearful reactions until a big stress or change in the child’s life—a new sibling, move, divorce, or change of caregivers, for example. If your child’s personality has undergone a sudden, persistent, disturbing change—such as becoming withdrawn, refusing to eat, developing obsessive fears, picking fights constantly, or developing a sudden, very negative self-image or sense of hopelessness—that needs to be checked by a professional team, which usually includes at least a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, and pediatrician. An HSC’s reactions are fairly consistent from birth, not a sudden change, and not purely negative.
HSCs have responses that are more pronounced than those of a non-HSC, but they are within the normal range for HSCs, and the normal range on most other behaviors. They start to talk and walk at about normal times, although slight delays are common in toilet training or giving up a pacifier. They are responsive to people as well as to their environment, and eager to communicate with those they know well. And while young HSCs may refuse to talk at school at first, they should be talking at home and with close friends—that is, they should be relaxed in familiar surroundings.
HSCs and ADD
I am always asked about the relationship between the trait of sensitivity and attention deficit disorder (ADD). On the surface, there are similarities, and some professionals think many HSCs are misdiagnosed as having ADD. And, I suppose, it is possible for HSCs to have ADD. But the two are not the same at all, and in some ways are, in fact, opposites. For example, there is more blood flow to the right side of the brain in most HSCs, more to the left in those with ADD. Children with ADD probably have very active go-for-it systems and relatively inactive pause-to-check systems.
Why are the two confused? Like children with ADD, HSCs can be easily distracted because they notice so much (although at times they are so deep in thought they notice very little). But ADD is a disorder because it indicates a general lack of adequate “executive functions,” such as decision making, focusing, and reflecting on outcomes. HSCs are usually good at all of this, at least when they are in a calm, familiar environment. For whatever reason (the cause is not known), children with ADD find it very difficult to learn to prioritize, to return their attention to what they are doing once they have glanced outside or know the teacher is not talking to them personally.
Again, HSCs can generally tune out distractions when they want to or must, at least for a while. But it requires mental energy. Thus another reason HSCs can be misdiagnosed as having ADD is because, if the distractions are numerous or prolonged, or they are emotionally upset and thus overstimulated already from within, they may very well become overwhelmed by outer distractions and behave as if agitated or “spacey.” They may tire midway through a long, noisy school day because they have to make a greater effort than others to screen out distractions. Also, if they fear they will perform worse in a given situation because of overarousal and distractions—for example, during an important exam—they very often do become overaroused and therefore notice some distraction they could ordinarily tune out.
Teachers may suggest that an HSC has ADD because there is usually money for treating ADD, so the student who is thus diagnosed will receive special help—as discussed, high sensitivity is a less familiar explanation for unusual behavior. (There is also considerable controversy among those who study temperament about whether much of ADD is simply normal temperament variation that is, like sensitivity, misunderstood. For an interesting cultural discussion of ADD, with much to say to highly sensitive people as well, take a look at Ritalin Nation by Richard DeGrandpre.)
Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome
Usually, when a child has a serious problem, such as autism or Asperger’s disorder, the parents or pediatrician have spotted it early on. Autistic infants do not smile, imitate facial expressions, follow a pointing finger with their eyes, or mouth the syllables of language. At two or three they have little interest in others or responses to others’ needs and feelings. They apparently do not wish to communicate and do not engage in imaginary play, as far as we know. This is all very different from the behavior of an HSC, who is eager to communicate except when very overstimulated. High sensitivity is found in about 20 percent of the population; autism affects two to four children in ten thousand, and three quarters of them are boys. One is a normal variation, the other is a true disorder.
Asperger’s syndrome affects about one in five hundred children and is five times more common in boys. Such children often exhibit motor problems, such as strange postures, gestures not matching their speed, awkwardness, poor rhythm, and unreadable handwriting. An HSC during the stress of an examination might show poor coordination but not the other symptoms. Children with Asperger’s do seem to wish to communicate, but do so very poorly because they apparently lack an intuitive understanding of how to listen and when to talk. They cannot take hints, understand irony, keep secrets, or decipher facial expressions. They often talk monotonously on a subject no one else is interested in. None of this is true of a normal HSC.
The reason there is sometimes confusion here is that children with autism or Asperger’s are usually very highly sensitive to sensory input. But again, they are not sensitive to social input, or at least not in an adaptive way, which makes them very, very different from HSCs. I do not believe that HSCs are on some normal end of an “autistic spectrum,” although that argument has been made. A better description of children on the more normal end of the autistic spectrum would be those who are socially “odd”—eccentric, pedantic, or emotionally remote.
Again, normal children, HSCs included, are born ready and eager to relate; they are programmed for it. As we will see in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo), they are probably already emotionally responsive to their mother even in the womb; children with these other disorders are not.
What to Do If You Are Not Sure
If in doubt, have a team of professionals evaluate your child. Start by getting the name of a highly respected professional who takes a team approach, then get the names of the other professionals with whom he or she works. This may be costly, but problems caught early can usually be changed and with far less expense. You need a team because a pediatrician alone may emphasize physical symptoms or solutions. A psychiatrist will be looking for mental disorders that might be helped with medication. A psychologist will want to teach new behaviors but may miss a physical problem. Occupational therapists will emphasize sensorimotor problems and solutions; speech therapists will attend to verbal skills; a social worker will examine the family, school, and community environment. Together, they are great. Indeed, there may be some problem in each area that needs attention. (In my opinion, medication alone is never a sufficient treatment for a behavioral problem in a child, who should be learning how to cope with whatever problem she has.)
A thorough evaluation will take weeks, not hours. Those involved should want reports from you, your child’s teachers or child-care providers, and any professionals who have already seen your child. They should ask for your family’s medical records and history, and someone should observe your child and possibly you and your child together. Above all, they should talk about temperament as part of the total picture and sound knowledgeable on the subject. Unfortunately, many professionals are not, and they can make serious mistakes with an HSC. (See Resources at the end of the book for names of temperament counselors.)
Finally, during and after this evaluation, these professionals should be giving you support and encouragement. You need to be able to trust and respect these people; they are going to have a tremendous effect on your child’s life. If you have doubts about an opinion, get a second one. Those who provide the first opinion should encourage that. Do not be rushed into any treatment unless there is a good reason for speed.
Remember, HSCs are normal kids who most of the time are relaxed and outgoing with those they know well. They listen and express themselves easily. When under stress, they are temporarily out of commission, perhaps very upset. But you will also have seen them feeling good, friendly, curious, and proud of themselves.
Should you look for a “cure” for your child’s sensitivity? No. Temperament traits can be worked with so that the child learns how to cope and fit into a given culture, and parents can learn how to help with that. Trying to cure, remove, or hide a trait, however, is likely to lead to more trouble. Sensitive older boys and men in our society often feel they have to hide their sensitivity, and they do so usually at great personal cost. Variety in temperament is the “spice of life”—and perhaps the best hope of a species’ survival.
A FINAL WORD: HSCS ARE ON THE WAY TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS
Do you have any lingering concern that your child may find it difficult to be truly happy or successful? If so, stop worrying. Many highly sensitive people have told me that they believe they feel far more joy and contentment far more deeply than others. And a host of them are prominent professors, judges, doctors, research scientists, widely published authors, famous artists, and renowned musicians.
Yes, your child will be more aware of the problems and the pain in the world. But perhaps the best definition of happiness came from Aristotle: We are happiest when doing what, by nature, we were born to do best. The born dancer is happiest dancing, not quite as happy when baking pies. The born gardener is happiest gardening, not quite so happy trying to write poetry. But one thing all humans were born to do, by nature, is simply to be aware, fully aware. In that sense HSCs are superb humans. Being superb at what they do best by nature provides them with this highest form of happiness, even when, in their case, it may also bring a greater awareness of suffering and loss, even death. You will be part of their working through the consequences of this awareness, which means your life, too, will be deepened.
As we will discuss in the next chapter, parenting an HSC is one of life’s greatest and happiest challenges. You make more of a difference with such a child, and so the rewards are greater, as are the issues to be addressed. If being a parent makes you happy, then using Aristotle’s argument, a child who asks more of you as a parent should be a source of greater joy.
APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
Appreciating Your Own Child
Now that you are familiar with the trait of sensitivity, its flavors, the other temperament traits, and are rid of some misunderstandings about HSCs, you are in a very good position to take a fresh look at your child. Fill out the following assessment. You might want to do it alone, with your child’s other parent, or with your child’s teacher or regular caregiver (or you can each do it and compare).
I. Types of sensitivity (check off each kind that applies):
__ Physical, low threshold—for example:
Sensitive to fabrics, rough socks, tags in clothes.
Notices low sounds, subtle scents.
__ Physical, intensity—for example:
Reacts more to pain than other children.
Bothered by loud noise.
__ Physical, complexity—for example:
Does not like crowds or bustling places.
Does not like foods mixed or complex seasonings.
__ Emotional, low threshold—for example:
Picks up on the moods of others.
Good with animals, babies, bodies, plants (beings that cannot talk).
__ Emotional complexity—for example:
Has interesting insights about what is going on with people.
Has complex, vivid dreams.
__ Emotional, intensity—for example:
Cries easily.
Deeply upset by another’s suffering.
__ Novelty, low threshold—for example:
Notices small changes in room or your clothing.
Prefers little or only gradual changes.
__ Novelty, complexity—for example:
Does not need or like many new things happening.
Dreads a major change such as moving to a new town.
__ Novelty, intensity—for example:
Does not like surprises, being startled, sudden changes.
Hesitant in all new environments.
__ Social novelty, low threshold—for example:
Slow to warm up again with someone she has not seen for a while.
Notices small changes in people after not seeing them for a while.
_ Social novelty, complexity—for example:
The more unusual or unknown the person, the more hesitant.
Does not like to be in large groups when some are strangers.
__ Social novelty, intensity—for example:
Does not like to be the center of attention among strangers.
Does not like meeting a lot of new people at once.
Does not like to be questioned by a stranger.
Next, rate your child on the seven traits from Thomas and Chess (leaving out “sensory threshold” because it is the same as sensitivity and you have already measured that in a better way, and leaving out “predominate mood” for the reasons given earlier in the chapter). You can look back at pages 22–24 if you have forgotten to what these traits refer.
1 Activity or energy level: Low Medium High
2 Intensity of emotional response: Low Medium High
3 Rhythmicity: Low Medium High
4 Adaptability: Low Medium High
5 Initial reaction: Approaches Variable Draws back
6 Persistence (attention span): Low Medium High
7 Distractibility (easily shifts attention to a new stimuli): Low Medium High
Now, check off what you regard as your child’s other strengths:
Artistic ability
Scientific ability
Skill at mental games
Athletic ability
Patience
Empathy
Conscientiousness
Great sense of humor
Spiritual interests
Intelligence
Kindness
Concern for social justice
Others _______________________________________________________
Your child’s problem areas (in your opinion). Some examples might be:
Trouble with coordination or playing sports
Shyness, often afraid of being rejected
Negative mood or behavior
Stubbornness
Rudeness, selfishness, lack of consideration
“Too good”
Not able to make “small talk”
Spends too much time at computer or ____________
Anger
Too noisy, boisterous
Rejected by others for being aggressive
Rejected by others for being too passive
Slow learner
Learning disability
Attention deficit disorder
Others _______________________________________________________
Would the above problem areas be a problem for any parent, or are they things that particularly bother you? (Could you imagine this problem being “no problem” in another family?)
Major events can shape your child’s life; beside each that applies, write what you think has been the effect:
Move
Divorce
Illness
Death in family
Death of a close friend, including beloved pet
Illness in family, mental or physical
Past abuse, physical or sexual
Persistent poverty
Prejudice
Unusual successes, awards, accomplishments
Public notice
Acquiring a very close friend
A special mentor (including a close grandparent, teacher, etc.)
Trips or other experiences that made a lasting impression
Lessons (musical, athletics, etc.)
Consistent activities—soccer, Scouts, etc.
Unusual living environment (big city, inner city, country, a farm, etc.)
Religious training
Cultural resources (gets to see many plays, is taken to concerts, scientists or writers often visiting family)
Others ___________________________________________________________
Now, write a page or two about your child, based on the above—a kind of summary, as if you were explaining him to someone.
Begin with his sensitivity, then the other temperament traits he has.
List all of your child’s strengths.
Then mention the problems, in your opinion.
How are these problems affected by your view of them (would someone else find them “no problem”)?
Write something about how these strengths and weaknesses have been increased or decreased by your child’s history.
Finally, looking back at your child’s sensitivity, how has it contributed to your child’s strengths?
How has it contributed to the problems?
How has it contributed to your child overcoming her problem areas?
How has your child’s sensitivity been interwoven with her major life experiences? Did it increase their impact in some cases? Decrease it in some cases?
Go back and underline what you have learned that you did not know before. How do you think this will change how you treat your child?
Keep these pages—you may find a time when it would be useful to give them to a teacher, long-term caregiver, doctor, or interested family member.
Chapter Two
Fasten Your Seat Belts
The Challenges of Raising an Exceptional Child
In this chapter you learn why skilled parenting helps HSCs even more than other children, and why the skills are different with HSCs. We discuss the six qualities of HSCs that present the greatest challenges, and you will begin to learn how to respond effectively when they arise. We will also take note of all the joys that come with raising an HSC.
In the last chapter I mentioned Maria, a “typical” HSC who graduated summa cum laude from Harvard. But it did not happen without skilled parenting.
Maria’s parents did not have all the advantages that you might imagine come with the family of a Harvard graduate. Estelle, Maria’s mother, has had a difficult life, starting with her own childhood. She was an HSC in a troubled family that made her the scapegoat because she was different from the rest of them. As she expressed it, “At least I knew what hurts a sensitive child.”
When Maria was born, Estelle and her young husband were living below the poverty line and neither family was helpful. Indeed, Estelle felt she had to protect her new baby from the meddlers and disturbed people in both families. Her intuition was apparently right—one of Maria’s grandfathers was later convicted of child molesting. These were not easy circumstances in which to raise a child, much less an HSC.
As soon as Estelle realized that Maria was as sensitive as she had been (“I knew it at two weeks—she could maintain solid eye contact as I walked around the room”), she decided to stay home and give full attention to her daughter during the formative years. She learned all that she could about parenting, but adapted it to fit the different kind of child she knew she had—one like herself. She automatically cut the labels out of clothing. She had always preferred simple foods, so food was never a problem between them. In raising Maria, Estelle applied the understanding of both parenting and sensitivity that she wished her parents had had.
For example, Estelle rarely pushed Maria into new experiences the way some parenting books urged. But there were important exceptions, when Estelle knew Maria would be all right and was too young to know for herself what she could reasonably do and enjoy. In one instance, as a teenager, Maria was invited by family friends to go to Sweden. Maria did not want to go. Her mother insisted. Ten days into the trip, Maria called from Stockholm to say how grateful she was to her mother for forcing her to go.
Mostly, however, Estelle defended her daughter’s right to say no because of her sensitivity. In elementary school her class was obliged to watch a movie about animals being butchered. Deeply upset, Maria walked out—to her teacher’s consternation. Estelle told her she was right—she did not have to watch anything that distressed her that much. The incident and others like it led Estelle eventually to place Maria in a private school. There she blossomed, became her school’s valedictorian, and was encouraged to apply to Harvard.
Estelle always placed great emphasis on promoting Maria’s self-esteem. In high school Maria grew and grew, to over six feet—yet another characteristic that made her feel different. But although Maria was “shy,” the combination of self-esteem and sensitivity made her a natural leader. Starting even in kindergarten, kids listened to her, copied her ideas. She was cautious with new people but wanted to play with other children and did, with no obvious problems. According to her mother, she just played with fewer children than most kids did. It also seemed to Estelle that there was always a “sensitivity gap” between her daughter and other children. They were not as considerate or as aware as Maria.
Today, as a young adult, Maria’s life is not completely easy. She still wishes she was not so sensitive or tall. She is twenty-seven and still not in a “permanent relationship.” According to her mother, “she always finds something wrong with a man.” That sounds like the “sensitivity gap” she felt in childhood, coupled with the ability of highly sensitive people to spot the flaws in a close other, especially one who is not as sensitive. Maria has changed residences several times since she left college, trying to find a quiet enough place to live. But she is successful in her profession and travels to foreign countries without hesitation—that trip to Sweden she resisted was only the first of many. She is healthy and confident about her future. She is an HSC who has grown up wonderfully, thanks to responsive, sensitive parenting.
WITH AN HSC, YOU MAKE A BIGGER DIFFERENCE
Every now and then someone is on the talk-show circuits arguing that genetics determine everything and parenting does not matter. Yes, at one time there was probably too much emphasis on the role of parenting, especially mothering, in shaping a child’s personality. No one even considered the role of inherited temperament. So a balance was certainly needed.
Ironically enough, however, the research is now clear that parenting does matter, and much more, in raising children like HSCs, whose temperaments are at the extreme end of normal. And in studies done with monkeys, “reactive” (sensitive) monkeys randomly assigned at birth to be raised by especially calm mothers (studies we cannot do with humans) turned out to be far more resilient adults, even troop leaders, compared to those raised by nervous mothers. Reactive monkeys who were randomly assigned to be subjected to separations from their mothers, on the other hand, were far more affected in adulthood by this trauma than less reactive monkeys.
Most HSCs do not have to deal with being totally separated from their caregiver, but research finds that they are more likely to be affected by caregivers who are mentally absent—due to stress or depression, perhaps—or who would just as soon not be there, or who may be overly afraid themselves about losing a close other. For example, Megan Gunnar and her colleagues at the University of Minnesota found that highly sensitive nine-month-olds left for a half hour with an attentive baby-sitter “playmate” were far less distressed physiologically during this separation from their mothers than they were when they were left with an inattentive caregiver. An attentive caregiver was almost as good as having mom present, but an inattentive one made the separation more stressful for HSCs than non-HSCs.
In another study, focusing on the general security or insecurity of the bond with the mother, these same researchers found that highly sensitive eighteen-month-olds who were generally insecure with their mothers (I will discuss this more in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo)) had distressed bodily reactions in new situations, while secure HSCs were not affected. Non-HSCs were also not distressed by new situations, of course—whether their relationship with their mother was secure or not. That is, only the insecure HSCs’ were deeply distressed in new situations. Several more studies have found the same general results.
The conclusion? “A history of responsive, sensitive caregiving … provided the securely attached infant with the resources to reduce activation of the [bodily distress] system, even though the child’s temperament might bias him or her to experience novel events as ‘potentially’ threatening.” In other words, when sensitive toddlers are in the stressful situation of being separated from their mothers, they are all right if left with a caring person and not all right if left with an inattentive person. If they are in an unfamiliar situation that is particularly stressful for them, they are more affected by an insecure attachment to their mothers. They are very affected by the sense they will receive help if they need it. Not only do HSCs need to perceive support in such situations because they are more aware of the dangers, but they are also probably more aware of the degree of support and caring of their mothers and other caregivers.
GOODNESS OF FIT—EACH CHILD EXPERIENCES A DIFFERENT FAMILY, A DIFFERENT FIT
Interestingly, researchers find that whatever a family does do to influence a child’s personality, it affects each child differently, as if each is growing up in a completely different family. Some of this is due to the parents being in a different situation when each child is born, and some of it is that each child is different so parents respond differently, or conversely, the same parenting methods may affect two children quite differently, depending on their temperaments. Probably most parents are not “good” or “bad” so much as they are specialists, naturally working well with some temperaments more than others.
The implication is that if you have more than one child, one may thrive in your care, another may not do as well. But research also finds that a little understanding and training can affect that greatly—“goodness of fit” matters more than parent and child having the same temperament. A good fit is a family and school environment that supports and encourages a child’s natural way of behaving. In one family, a quiet artist who does not like sports will be considered ideal. In another, this child will be a huge disappointment. But there is always a good fit when parents accept their children for who they are, then adapt their methods to suit the child. Studies in which parents are trained to understand their child’s temperament consistently find that the children of these parents have far fewer problems.
One way to describe this book is to say it is essentially about what you can do to create a good fit between you and your child. Since each of you are individuals, this book will sometimes miss something important about one or both of you. That is why I am saying right here that it is smart to have a top-notch temperament counselor or therapist aware of temperament to whom you can turn while raising your HSC. That way you do not have to go looking for someone when you feel you’re in a crisis. You have a professional to help you with your taxes or when buying a house. Why not with parenting?
This book can, however, take you a long way with your HSC, because there is so much that HSCs have in common that most “child experts” do not know. We will begin with one of the big ones: To create a “good fit” you must learn to appreciate your child’s excruciating sensitivity to you, the One in Charge. Fortunately, although I did not know it, I had been forced to appreciate this reality even before I had my own HSC.
The Beagle and the Border Collie
As I said in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), the fact that there are different breeds of dogs is a good way to understand that there can be different “breeds” of children, too. We know some dog breeds are well suited for some owners, but not for others—that’s why there are so many. But the owners can also learn to adapt to the temperaments of their dog. If they learn in time.
When I was young, my parents bought me a beagle I promptly named Star. If you know beagles, they are generally tough little dogs with a nose that takes them exploring everywhere, at which times they could care less about you or anything else but The Scent. I suppose they are sensitive in their noses, but nowhere else. When Star was about a year old, my mother and I became involved in obedience training and eventually she, then I, tried to show Star in dog shows. In the show ring she was an angel while on a leash, but once off it, she was out of there, running sometimes for blocks, following the aroma of her Holy Grail. Later we bought poodles to train and show—they were perfect for obedience shows, but they were high-strung performers, terribly nervous and demanding of attention.
After I left home and married, I wanted another dog and another breed. I did not know why (not knowing yet that I was highly sensitive or that dogs could vary on this trait), but I had always admired border collies—those black-and-white dogs that herd sheep. I was sure they would be perfect for showing in obedience-training shows. So I bought one, and soon had a devoted, intelligent companion.
This dog, Sam, seemed able to read my mind. Housebreaking was easy—I just took her outside while she was “making her first mistake,” and she never made another. She only tore up one object while teething—I was home later than usual one evening and I found bits of an old paperback for a psychophysiology course, appropriately titled Animal Emotions, all over the floor. Had she learned to read?
When Sam was nine months old I put on a choke collar and took her out for her first obedience lesson, learning to sit. I gave her backside a smart slap (I had been taught that a push would cause the dog to resist and push back), jerked the collar to bring her head up and get her attention, and said “sit.” She collapsed on the ground, quivering. Since that was the wrong response, I got her to her feet and repeated the standard way to train a dog to sit—spank, jerk, order. She crouched lower to the ground, shook more, her eyes pleading with me, “Why? What have I done?”
I knew enough to stop and think it over. But the next day I tried the same method. I knew that once she did it right I could praise her and she would understand that better. But first she had to sit properly.
By the time I figured out that a gentle pressure and kind word would do it, I had almost ruined her. In fact, she never got over shaking and crouching when I brought out that collar. She learned to sit, stay, heel, and much more, once I got it that all she needed was to understand what I wanted: Wait here, go rest in the corner, meet me here later, fetch it, carry it, herd away the cows, gather up the puppies, keep the baby in the yard. Often she knew what was needed before I did—like bringing my husband and me together when we had lost each other in the woods at night, or driving off a burglar. (The joke in my family growing up was that Star the beagle would have gone off with any burglar with a hot dog in his pocket.)
It was natural for Sam to know what was needed and to care enough about us to do it because she was so sensitive. As for the dog shows, we never went to any—something about her made me not want to take advantage of her goodwill by making her a public spectacle.
I doubt that any method would have made Star the beagle consistently obedient when her leash was off, but the usual methods worked well enough to teach her what I wanted. Sam needed much more specialized skills and thoughtfulness on my part. That is how it is when an animal or child can almost read your mind and be quite overwhelmed by a harsh word from you, the beloved authority. I still did not “officially” know about this trait when my son was born. I did not know until he was grown and gone. But Sam had given me a good intuitive introduction.
Not Knowing How Makes Parenting Anything but Satisfying
I had thought of myself as a very good dog trainer when I started in with Sam, and there was a showcase full of trophies and ribbons to prove it. But Sam humbled me. She also made me feel guilty for causing her so much stress, bewildered as to why the usual methods did not work, depressed about myself for failing, angry with her for being such a wimpy dog, and isolated (if the standard methods did not work, who could I turn to for help?). I obsessed about why she was acting so strangely, and when I redoubled my efforts I only made her worse. At that point, training Sam was not satisfying.
Lack of skill in parenting an HSC can cause the same emotions. You think you are pretty good at parenting, especially if you have some experience with children. Then along comes this child who humbles you. I have heard parents talk about all of it: feeling guilty for their child’s obvious suffering at their hands, public embarrassment about their child’s shyness, fussiness, tears over “nothing,” fears, and so forth. There is the bewilderment. And for some parents there is depression, especially as sleepless nights pile up. There is anger, a sense of inadequacy, isolation from other parents with “normal” children. Some parents feel victimized, trapped, overinvolved. It can affect a marriage, the other children, and a parent’s health. And it is definitely not satisfying.
DIFFICULT VERSUS EASY HSCs
Parenting certain HSCs is also more difficult than parenting others. Some are real “drama queens” and demanding “little princes.” This partly depends on other aspects of their temperament, such as their persistence, flexibility, and emotional intensity, plus the child’s role models and general environment. (If your frustration, or anything else in your life, is making you upset, demanding, or out of control, you can hardly expect your child to be different.)
I also find that parents who are more accepting of the trait and generally available and responsive to their child are the ones, ironically, whose HSCs are more “trouble” when small. This is because their child feels free to express his feelings—to get angry, wildly excited, frustrated, hurt, frightened, and overwhelmed. Once the feelings are out, however, the skilled parent teaches the child how to cope with them.
Parents who are less available and responsive—perhaps they are overwhelmed themselves, or not comfortable with intense emotions—may cause an HSC to hide her feelings in order to be accepted and not cause any trouble. But the child never learns to cope with these bottled-up feelings, and they usually resurface in other ways in adulthood, when it is much harder to fix. So I always worry a bit when parents tell me that their HSC “never caused us any trouble at all.”
The Vicious Cycle
With those of you who are trying so hard, only to find that your child is still not happy, outgoing, and “normal,” I often see a vicious cycle: You worry, you try harder to shape your child to meet your expectations, your child does not behave the way you want (because he cannot), so you worry more, try harder, and so forth. Both you and he feel like failures. So we return to the first advice in this book: Realize that your child’s unusual behaviors are not your fault and not your child’s fault. HSCs are not being difficult on purpose!
This cycle is more common with nonsensitive parents of an HSC—a situation thoroughly discussed in the next chapter. But even highly sensitive parents can be unsure how to cope with an HSC and desperately wish their child was different.
Mitchell’s Mother Finally “Gets Out of Her Own Way”
Mitchell’s mother did not realize that she and her son were both highly sensitive. Sharon had been raised in a pretty tough, not very sensitive family. She did not remember consciously adapting to them. She just did.
But she was very sensitive to her new baby, Mitchell. She loved to sing, and she could not miss the signs that her baby did not like to be sung to. When he was older, he did not like to sing either—at least not in the children’s choir in which she had planned to see him shine. Sharon was equally frustrated when he would not wear a costume at Halloween and still needed a pacifier at four. And she was sad that “he couldn’t initiate—I saw him as always the follower, the imitator, never the leader.”
Then a speaker came to Mitchell’s preschool and talked about sensitive children. “Suddenly,” Sharon said, “the light went on.” She went on to tell me how much she wishes she had understood sooner and “gotten out of my own way and stopped judging my parenting. Deep down I had known what to do. But I was not doing it and was blaming myself for the results, especially when the rest of the family thought there was something wrong with what I was doing. Now all that is over. I mold myself to fit his behavior. I let him tell me what he needs.
“And he has so many wonderful qualities, too—his sweetness and gentleness. So if he doesn’t want to run off and do a skit at our family reunion, now it’s not a big deal to me. It’s almost a pleasure to say, ‘No, he doesn’t want to do it.’ It feels good to understand so well when others don’t.”
THE SIX MOST COMMON PROBLEMS
So let’s get to work by discussing six facets of your child’s high sensitivity and how each, although neutral in itself, can cause certain problems for you as a parent until you have the right skills. You will also begin to learn some of those skills in this chapter.
1. Awareness of Subtleties
What a wonderful quality in some situations: your daughter notices your every loving glance and returns it, can tell you when her little brother is hungry before you ever thought about a feeding, and functions like a living smoke alarm, letting everyone know if there is a bit of smoke anywhere, even from the next-door neighbor’s chimney. In other situations, what a pain. In particular, HSCs notice when the smallest thing is not to their liking. “There’s some skin left on this apple—you know I hate skin.” “This room stinks” (you cannot smell a thing unusual). “You moved my computer, didn’t you?” “Yes, that’s the flavor I like, but the wrong brand—this kind tastes chalky.”
Not all HSCs notice subtleties. There are a few who seem fairly oblivious, being more preoccupied with their inner world. Or they may be bothered more by intensity—loud noise, bright lights, or spicy foods—and less by subtle stuff. Or they may only notice subtleties in one area—just food or clothing or social nuances. But with an HSC, it’s bound to come up somewhere.
Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) will focus on coping with the problems that arise with this quality of HSCs. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:
Believe your child. When your child says it hurts, rubs, or stings, it does, even if the same thing doesn’t bother you.
With little HSCs, keep them fed and rested—they will be less irritable and better able to wait for you to relieve a discomfort.
When HSCs are old enough to understand you, first acknowledge your child’s discomfort, then let him know when and how it will end or that you simply cannot do anything about it if that is truly the case. If you have first conveyed sincere respect for your child’s response and sympathy for his desperate need, and your own valid reason to delay or do nothing—you have to finish the shopping, get to the car where there are dry clothes, use up this brand because you cannot afford to waste it—he will grow in the ability to understand that and wait.
Put limits on what you can be expected to do. Some children find their shoelaces uncomfortable, but even if you tie them fourteen times they will still feel all wrong, possibly because your child is so focused on this sensation and frustrated. Discuss it when you are not tying shoes—that you will try five times, trying to follow her instructions. The fifth time will have to suffice because you’ve become frustrated, too, or do not have the time to continue.
Stick to your standards of politeness and good public behavior, but remember emotions are sometimes irrational and overwhelming, even for adults. If your child is losing all control over what seems like a “small matter,” solve the situation for now as best you can, or if you cannot, let your HSC cry or scream while you simply hold her (if young) or stay with her and sympathize. When things are calm, perhaps the next day, the two of you can discuss what needs to be done so that she will behave better the next time.
When possible, put your child in charge of the solution. A parent with a son who is fussy about socks has him choose the ones that will not bother him. If there are none, it is not mom or dad’s fault.
2. Being Easily Overstimulated and Overaroused
As I said in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), a child who notices subtleties will also become overwhelmed when too much is coming at once. (The “too much” can come from outside, but also from inside, as when a child imagines something very frightening or exciting.)
The more stimulation, the more the body becomes aroused to deal with it. Every animal and human seeks just the right level of arousal—it’s as automatic as breathing. Too little and we are bored, restless. We put on the radio or call a friend. Too much and we are uncomfortable, rattled. We try to calm down, but if we can’t, we perform poorly at whatever task we are doing—hitting a ball, solving a math problem, thinking of things to say in a conversation. HSCs become overaroused more easily. That means your daughter may be perfectly able to catch a softball when the two of you play catch at home, but in a game she drops the ball as often as she catches it. She starts to hate playing, she cries during games, yet she wants to play and you want her to. You think, why so much drama around a simple game of ball? Do you make her play or let her quit?
First, understand that HSCs will have areas in which overarousal causes great difficulty. These are usually activities in which, early on, they have had a failure or imagined they would have one. The next time they try they are more aroused and anxious rather than more relaxed, so they do even worse. But performance anxiety is not always the culprit—they can be eager to perform and confident and still be overaroused by the lights and the crowd.
Can we ever see this proneness to overarousal as a good thing? Overarousal itself is never helpful, but needing so little to reach a comfortable level has its uses. HSCs are usually less easily bored, for example. And they are more caring, involved performers in situations when others might not make an effort.
Are there HSCs who do not become easily overaroused? Most have some areas in which they are so at ease that they can function smoothly even under great pressure or conditions of high stimulation. But in other areas, the overarousal usually appears. Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) will help with dealing with overarousal in general, and Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) will help when it leads to shyness in social situations. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:
• See that your child has an area of competence—a sport, form of art or self-expression, academic subject, magic show, comedy routine, experiences of chatting with interested adults, or leading other kids in a fantasy game. Choose something he is interested in and start slowly, seeing that at first every attempt meets with success.
With my son this worked with drama and writing. When I enrolled him in an acting class at age eight, I actually asked the teacher to praise him—he had had so many failures in sports. He came out of his first class beaming: “She says I’m a born actor!” He never missed a class after that.
With writing, I made a point of seeing that he never handed in a paper that was not typed and well done. The good grades and praise made him love it.
• See that your child is so overrehearsed and so skilled that nothing will faze her. Practice in the same circumstances and setting as she will actually be performing the skill. Go to the baseball diamond to practice. And once your child is prepared for the arithmetic test, give him some problems to do with a time limit and that you will grade afterward. Never let an HSC go into a test or performance underprepared.
• Talk about things that can go wrong and how to handle them. Talk about mistakes and how to understand them. It is the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and your child strikes out. Discuss ahead of time that this is bound to happen at least once in every baseball career. What can your child say to herself and to others to make it bearable? (Does that seem like planting the expectation to fail? Usually, your child will have already imagined failure; you are planting the seed of coping.)
• Explain the effect of overarousal on performance and comfort. Explain that he has the skill, but nervousness (or noise, a new setting, an audience, or other overstimulation) can sometimes interfere. Tell your child this story: I knew a woman who could break world records in her sport at small contests, but could never do it at the Olympic trials. She and I had to conclude that the Olympics did not identify the best athletes, but the best athletes under conditions of very high stimulation.
• See that some of your child’s competencies are not ones that can be much affected by pressure—for example, artwork, skilled care for a pet or plants, and physical activities like long-distance running or hiking in which one meets personal goals.
• Help your child enjoy a variety of activities at a noncompetitive level—singing with you in the car or doing a play for a supportive family audience. She does not have to try out for choir or join the drama club to enjoy these. If a talent does appear, you can always encourage it, but “being a pro” is less important than enjoying.
3. Deep Inner Reactions
Although reactions subside once an HSC is familiar with a situation, during the initial processing, reactions can spiral higher. As I said in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), because HSCs process everything more fully, they also have stronger emotional reactions. The more that a new emotional situation is experienced and its full implications and consequences imagined, the more impact it will have. That means more happiness, joy, satisfaction, contentment, and ecstasy. And more miserable feelings, too.
These intense reactions do not require a fully developed, conscious mind. They start in infancy and are present in small children, even if they cannot talk about them. Older children, who can talk about feelings, still may not be conscious of them—we all repress feelings if they seem unacceptable. These repressed feelings show up as physical symptoms or inexplicable, displaced emotions. The classic example, seen frequently by child therapists, is a child who claims to be delighted with a new little brother or sister, a reaction that the parents of course brag about to everyone. But the child is now terrified, maybe, of being eaten by dogs or using the toilet or pictures of monkeys. These weird fears go away when a wise parent or therapist gets the child to play games like the big dog eating the baby dog, followed perhaps by an honest discussion of all the different, normal feelings people have, including anger, and some of the feelings a new brother or sister can create. Some feelings we only talk about—we do not do what they make us feel like doing—but they are still okay to have.
Even when the emotions are not worrisome, like hating one’s baby sister, HSCs may not show their tumultuous inner life to the rest of the world. The introverts—70 percent of HSCs—will often keep it all inside. The intense and extroverted HSCs will express themselves more.
HSCs are often even more distressed than other children by unfairness, conflict, or suffering; for example, they may be deeply sad about the loss of the rain forests, racial injustice, or the mistreatment of animals. They tend to foresee dire consequences. They are usually quite disturbed at seeing other children teased. They lose their appetites if their parents have a fight. It is all typical stuff for children, except stronger.
Are there exceptions? Always. Some HSCs are able to develop strong self-regulation of their own emotions, perhaps even too strong. How much feeling to feel is a question all people face (although some have less choice), and the answer is often decided by culture and the family style, and particularly by what parents teach a child about emotional expression. Usually nothing needs to be said to teach an HSC to control her emotions. She senses what is wanted. For example, parents who are embarrassed or afraid of the strength of their own feelings or the feelings of their child will convey by their avoidance of emotions that feelings are best kept unexpressed. On the other hand, if an HSC lives with parents who often lose control emotionally and he has inherently strong emotional self-regulation abilities, he may decide total control is preferable to the chaos created by his parents.
We will talk more about handling strong emotions in Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo), but here are some general suggestions:
Think about how you handle emotions and how you want your child to handle them. Think about each emotion: sadness, fear, love, happiness, anger, and curious excitement. Which ones were not allowed when you were growing up? Are you teaching the same lessons to your child?
Read up on “emotional intelligence.” Mary Kurcinka’s Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles is excellent for helping parents become sound emotional coaches for their children. Her book has whole lists of tips for the parents of any sort of child: For example, listen to the emotions first rather than lecture about the behaviors, teach your child what soothes and calms her, and get to know your child’s emotional cues so you can help her recognize her feelings.
Talk to your HSC about emotions. These children in particular need to be able to name what they are feeling and what might have caused it so that they can feel more in control over the inner tumult. Talk about how you have handled similar feelings.
Strive to “contain” your child’s negative emotions until your HSC can do it for herself. Ideally, you go off to a quiet place and let the child fully express the feelings while you remain calm and non-defensive. Your attitude should be “tell me more, tell me all about it, and what else, and what else.…” This full expression will allow both of you to later get at what was the real cause, and meanwhile your child can feel all that is happening inside without having to endure it alone. You will hold it with her until, with years and experience, she can hold it alone. We will consider this containing task more in Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo).
Be attuned to positive emotions, too, matching their tone. You want to respond to negative emotions with attention and respect, but do respond to positive feelings equally. Do not squash your HSC’s enthusiasms and happy moods with comments like “If you’re so happy, this is a great day to clean your room.”
Be aware of how being overstimulated and overaroused can increase all emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. A mood often passes with a good night’s sleep, while staying up and trying to talk it away can only add to the overstimulation. Always try, “Shall we sleep on it?”
If any powerful emotion lasts for several days, you may want to seek some help. This includes depression, anxiety, anger, and also happy but sleepless “hyper” states. You do not have to take your child to a psychologist—that may be quite distressing in itself. You might start with you and a professional trying to figure it out without your child around. And the goal should be understanding what caused these lasting feelings, not merely medicating them away. Medication should be a last (but invaluable) resort.
4. Awareness of Others’ Feelings
Given that humans are social animals, if you combine an awareness of subtleties and an intense emotional life, you have a person who tends to be highly aware of others’ feelings. What a wonderful attribute, making your HSC empathic, an intuitive leader (not to mention salesperson), skilled in knowing how to nurture just about anything, and having a good sense of when a close relationship needs attention.
Again, this awareness begins in infancy. All infants are highly aware of their caregiver’s feelings—their survival depends on it. When psychologists emphasize the importance of early mothering and the security of the bond between mother and child, it is not to make mothers feel guilty. It is simply a reality due to our being primates. And for better or worse, HSCs are going to be exquisitely attuned to those who take care of them. And since 40 percent of parents did not experience a secure attachment in childhood themselves, it is important for those of you with that sort of history to learn to send secure messages to your own child. We will discuss that more in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo).
For older HSCs, one of the biggest problems is that they can be aware of another’s feelings even when the other person is not. People often deny their fear or anger to be polite or avoid embarrassment, and may do so even to the point of being honestly unaware of it. “Of course I’m not annoyed” or “I’m not even slightly afraid.” But the HSC may pick up on subtle signs, even the scent caused by the emotion in the other’s body. Then your child must deal with knowing about the other’s feelings without seeming to know, while getting a different message in words. I know one sensitive woman who in childhood confronted her best friend several times about how envious and competitive they were with each other. Her friend always denied it—until adulthood. But all through childhood, the woman had to wonder if she was crazy and making it all up.
It will help your child enormously if you can identify and be honest about your own feelings.
Similarly, people will say to a “shy” HSC, “Don’t be so worried about what other people think; they aren’t even noticing you!” That is hard for the HSC to believe when he is noticing everything about everyone else, including how much others truly are subtly comparing themselves to each other. But, if you raise your HSC to feel confident—which you will learn to do in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo)—he will notice others watching but assume they are pleased or accept that it does not matter.
As for empathy, when HSCs are overwhelmed, they can become temporarily quite unaware of other’s needs. But if your child is chronically insensitive to others or remote, something is wrong that is not simply overarousal.
As a result of all this awareness of others, an HSC may decide to put the needs of others first to spare them (and the HSC) emotional pain. This is usually not conscious, and the compliance may only happen with some people. With others, yourself for example, your HSC may be quite feisty, outspoken, and demanding. But when your child seems to be choosing to be a doormat, it is probably because she finds it easier than feeling the other’s pain or burning need, or the threat of the other’s anger or judgment. What can you do about making this awareness of others’ feelings an asset for your child? We will discuss this more in later chapters, but here are some basic tips.
Be aware of how you handle your own awareness of others’ feelings. If you feel nothing or show no reaction to another’s suffering, your child will be left alone with his reaction plus have less respect for you. If you deny the problem of worrying about what others think of you, your child will feel flawed for still having this concern. So think these issues through for yourself and discuss with your HSC how you resolve them. For example, if you and your child hear of some catastrophe in which many people have suffered, a child with religious instruction will want to know why God allowed all those people to suffer and what is a child’s duty toward the victims? One of the joys (and trials) of having children, especially an HSC, is being forced to confront the big questions in life.
Teach your child what can be done, like sitting down together at the “season of giving” at the end of the year and choosing which charities and causes your family will contribute to. And discuss what is not helpful, like feeling bad all the time about others’ suffering. You do all you can, then move on. Regarding being aware of others’ judgments, I like the “fifty-fifty rule”—you can always expect 50 percent of people will like what you do, 50 percent will not. So you may as well do what you think is best. You cannot please them all.
Look at how you balance the needs of others around you with your own needs. Consider your own ability to say “no” to others or to disregard their opinion when it feels wrong. Your child will imitate you.
Teach your child that he has a right to say no or ignore another’s opinion. In particular, a person who is burned out from helping others or trying to please them is no use to anyone. We each do our part, but we cannot do it all or lose sleep over it. As one Christian writer pointed out, Jesus knew he could heal every person in Judea, but as far as we know he slept okay at night without having done so.
Be careful about sharing too many of your own troubles or judgments of others with your child. HSCs can become wonderful friends, confidants, and counselors, especially for parents without another close, understanding other. But this is too much for even the wisest child to handle. Your HSC is still learning to cope with an overwhelming world and needs to gain strength from you before she can handle the job of supporting a troubled adult. And when HSCs hear you judging others, they will be even more convinced that this is a common human behavior.
To promote your child’s sense of his own needs and wishes, insist that he make choices whenever that is possible. I will emphasize this often. Even if your child is slow at it or you think you know what he would choose, ask. “Do you want crackers or bread?” “Would you rather invite Jan here or see if you can go to Jan’s house?” If his needs conflict with another’s, displeases someone, or anyone says his choice is stupid or in poor taste, tell your child that it is correct to briefly and politely consider advice that sounds sensible and is said with good intentions, but that he has a right to his own needs and opinions and to learn from his own experience.
See that everyone’s wishes in your family are heard and respected equally when that is possible—that is, practice equal and reciprocal empathy, rather than the HSC being the one who complies more. One parent with two HSCs alternates “ruler for the day” rights. When Janie is ruler, she can ride in the front seat, answer the phone (or not), get the first serving of dessert, hold the dog’s leash, or whatever the privilege is that one of the two children might enjoy. On the next day, Gareth gets to choose. On their day, they know and act on what they want, not having to think of the other. For an HSC, that can be a huge relief and important experience.
In our family, we can be considerate of each other to a fault. I used to say that I would love to have a day pass without hearing one of the three of us say “I’m so sorry.” At times it seemed as though we were apologizing for breathing each other’s air. Perhaps that is why we had a tradition that on a birthday we would all go to the grocery store and the one with the birthday could choose any special food he or she wanted for the family dinner. There was something about doing this with the others present that I think helped to override that sense of guilt about having one’s own way.
5. Caution Before Proceeding in New, Possibly Dangerous Situations
Because sensitive children see so much in every situation, they will have some new aspects to notice even in a familiar one. Imagine two children coming into the kitchen in the morning. To the non-HSC, it’s just like every other morning. The HSC, however, notices father’s coat is gone so he has left early; mother is in a strange mood; there’s a paper bag behind the door as if someone tried to hide it fast; a smell of burnt toast; a broken dish in the trash. Did they have another fight? Or maybe they’re distracted, getting ready for my birthday tomorrow?
Given this sensitivity to even familiar situations, an entirely new situation has to be well processed before an HSC enters it. That is just how it is. This can be frustrating for nonsensitive parents especially, for whom a surprise party is just a party, or the ocean is just the ocean—something kids are supposed to love and dive right into. But their HSC wants to check it out, and if forced to proceed, may protest, not enjoy it, or refuse this “pleasure” altogether.
Yet this is a quality of HSCs that parents can easily appreciate, too. HSCs are not as likely to fall from trees, get lost, be hit by a car, try smoking, or be abducted or misused by a disturbed adult. You warned them of the dangers and they check every unfamiliar situation to see if those dangers are present. It is even better with teenagers. They are better drivers (or will not drive—my son did not wish to take on that huge responsibility until he was twenty-seven). They are cautious about drugs, sex, breaking the law, and who they hang around with.
But you also do not want your child to miss out on interesting new experiences, as when Maria, the HSC described at the beginning of this chapter, was invited as a teenager to travel to Sweden. She insisted that she would not go, but her mother insisted that she would; later, a happy call from Stockholm proved her mother correct.
There are times, of course, when HSCs are not so cautious in new situations. In Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe) you learned about the pause-to-check and go-for-it systems in every brain. All HSCs are strong in the first, but the two systems are independent, so some HSCs are high on both. They are careful, but also adventuresome. In that chapter I described Ann, who rides motorcycles and jumps out of airplanes, but only her parents know how much she has studied the safety considerations and how much down time she needs to recover. You also met Chuck, who climbs trees like a monkey and loves to ski. But only his mother knows he has never broken a bone because he has checked out every unfamiliar branch and slope. Since the culture admires and encourages adventuresomeness, often only the parents know their child’s secret, cautious side.
We will talk more about the problems associated with pausing before proceeding and how to deal with them in Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) and Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo). But for now, here are some overall recommendations.
Remember the advantages of your child’s caution—this will help you not be disappointed when it seems “uncool.”
See it from your child’s viewpoint. You have been in this situation many times, but he has not. You no longer notice the cliff beside the road or the shadows on the path. And there may be fewer risks for you. These are not your future playmates; you are bigger so dogs and waves and cars look smaller; you are used to heavy jet planes staying in the air.
Point out what is familiar or what resembles past situations that your child has mastered. “The family reunion will be a lot like Grandma Mae’s birthday party.” “The ocean is just a huge bathtub and the waves are like the kind you make when you move around in your bath.” “There’s Sue—you met her last week at Nancy’s party.”
Take it one step at a time. See Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) for these steps. Keep each step small and easy so your child can hardly protest and will definitely succeed and look good. “You don’t have to talk to anybody if you don’t want to. Just come and watch. You can be busy with your Gameboy.” After some watching, you can try saying, “I’ll bet if you walk Tiger over to those swings, someone will ask you what kind of dog he is.”
Provide a retreat (if you can do so without drawing embarrassing attention to your child). “You can go to your room whenever you want to leave the party. Just slip out and I’ll cover for you if anyone asks.” “I’ve told the teacher you may want to go and rest—just tell her.”
Success is the key to your child exploring new situations in the future. Remember, all HSCs have a go-for-it system. They want to explore, as long as the risks do not seem too high. So point out all that they will gain from exploring (without going overboard) while minimizing the risks. “I was so impressed, seeing you out there in the deep end swimming like a fish. To think you couldn’t swim at all last summer. Next week you’ll be starting middle school and changing classes every period. Think of it—if one teacher’s a drag or you don’t like some kid in your class, you aren’t stuck all day. And you get to take those two electives you signed up for. You already know enough about computers and Native Americans to practically teach those classes yourself. I’ll bet it won’t be long before you’re ‘in the swim’ there, too.”
6. Being Different—It Attracts Attention
The sixth challenge when raising an HSC is not due to the trait directly, but the way others view it. Unless your child becomes very good at hiding it, she will be known as someone who feels and notices more, someone who pauses before acting and thinks everything over afterward. And it seems to be a human fact that when we meet someone different, especially a member of a minority group (and sensitive people are in the minority), we immediately decide if they are superior or inferior, if they look up to us or if we should look up to them. This is what any child who seems “different” must face.
As with the other six, there are also advantages in having a child who is different. Remember our motto: To have an exceptional child you have to be willing to have an exceptional child. Some teachers, peers, and relatives will think your child’s differences are marvelous. From these people your child will gain the self-esteem she will need when meeting up with some of the other people, the majority in our culture, who are less impressed with sensitivity.
Indeed, in some cultures it is a social advantage, an honor, to be sensitive. Peoples living close to the earth esteem their highly sensitive herbalists, trackers, and shamans. And a study comparing elementary school children in China and Canada found that being a “sensitive, quiet” child was associated with being popular in China, but with being unpopular in Canada. Perhaps “old” cultures with rich artistic, philosophical, and spiritual traditions such as China and Europe can afford to reward sensitivity more than “new” immigrant cultures such as the United States, Canada, Latin America, and Australia, which have rewarded pioneering “macho” men and “tough” women who gave little thought to the risks in a new land.
If you think about it, cultures that are tough, aggressive, impulsive, and quick to explore are the ones that expand and take over cultures with more peaceful, thoughtful, sensitive values—whether with an army, an aggressive economic style, or the dissemination of its culture. But this may be a story of the tortoise and the hare—the individuals and cultures that value sensitivity may yet be the survivors. Or, more likely, the cultures that succeed will be the ones combining both qualities, that balance impulsivity with a thorough awareness of the long-term consequences of despoiling natural re-sources; exploiting “inferior” groups until they become a burden or take their revenge; not bothering to educate the young; and so forth. A society in which sensitive people have equal respect and power will not make these mistakes. As I’ve said before, the world needs your HSC.
We will discuss in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo) what you can do to empower your HSC and protect her from prejudices about sensitivity, but here are some basic pointers:
Examine your own attitude toward this trait. Research shows that almost everyone who grew up in North America has a subliminal, unconscious prejudice toward persons of color. Those who decide not to behave in a prejudiced way are those who actively override this built-in reaction. Likewise, since you grew up in a culture that thinks “sensitive, quiet” children are not as admirable, you must override this reaction for the sake of your child. And it can be quite real. Research indicates that “shy” sons, in particular, are often their mother’s least favorite child (while “shy” daughters are often encouraged to stay home and be mother’s special friend).
Talk about the trait with your child. Acknowledge the problems it creates but also point out the assets. Some parents fear mentioning that their child is different. I had an European-American friend who adopted an African-American child, and when I sent the child a book about famous African-Americans, my friend returned it to me, telling me that they were not going to tell their child she was different! As if she hadn’t noticed. Ignoring your child’s difference will not work. Your silence will speak louder than words.
Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will overhear you. Having developed some educated and clever responses, you can be almost invincible on this topic, since most people are ill-informed. You will learn how to do this in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo). Your child will use these same responses when alone with others, and also to counter self-criticisms internalized from others when you were not around.
When your child is old enough to understand a bit more about culture and human psychology, explain about the roots and history of people’s reactions to sensitivity—how it is admired in some cultures, and that when it is not, some people, especially men, are so afraid of revealing anything like that in themselves that they become quite peculiar about it. I have been on several talk shows with macho-type hosts who seemed on the verge of nervous breakdowns while discussing this subject with me. They had weird nervous laughter, inappropriate questions, and poor concentration. They were probably reliving the day they fell down and cried and somebody blasted them with “Stop crying and act like a man instead of a mama’s boy!” Maybe you and your child can learn to enjoy these over-the-top reactions to bringing up the subject as much as I do.
Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity. On rare occasions certain people may find your child’s sensitivity in and of itself to be extraordinary. But your child did nothing special to be born sensitive and should not be overly praised for that in itself or allowed to feel superior to others. Treat pity the same way, except that it is even more uncalled for. HSCs are not to be pitied. And even if they were, what counts is what we do with the cards we are dealt.
THE JOYS THAT ONLY PARENTS OF HSCS KNOW
Naturally, a book like this devotes the majority of its pages to identifying and solving problems. But that truly does the HSC an injustice and does not prepare you, the parent, to recognize and revel in all the joys involved. So let’s take a moment to count your blessings.
Even the problems have a bright side. By providing the understanding and help your child needs, you will be deeply appreciated by your HSC. Your child may even promote you to others as a saint among parents. And as you deal successfully with tough issues, in the family and from outside, you and your child can have moments of deep mutual appreciation. You will share electrifying success when you help your HSC master a fear, coming out of it even more confident than another child would. You will feel like comrades when you figure out together how to respond to teasing or prejudiced comments.
Your child will make you more aware of everything, introducing you to beauty, nuances, social subtleties, and questions about life that you would not otherwise stop to consider. Even if you are highly sensitive, your HSC brings a child’s fresh and highly receptive outlook on the world. You will be looking up the answers to all sorts of questions, or looking inside for those that are only answered there.
The two of you will connect in a deeper way. Of course, a connection requires two people—you will have to learn to be receptive to those moments when your child wants to be especially close and also to those times when she needs her separateness.
You will have a child who is aware of you, both the conscious and unconscious parts, which will force you to be more aware of yourself. “Mom, why did you tell that lady you like her when you told me you don’t?” “Dad, you said you’re so tired you could drop, but now you’re sweeping the floor.”
You will see your well-raised HSC grow up capable of amazing depths of feeling and of pleasure from the full range of beauty to be known in the outer and inner worlds. He may even express it in ways that allow others to see the treasures he has brought up from these depths.
You will see your well-raised HSC make an exceptional contribution to the world, whether backstage or front and center. Because sensitive people are such keen observers and thinkers, they are traditionally the inventors, lawmakers, healers, historians, scientists, artists, teachers, counselors, and spiritual leaders. They are the advisers to rulers and warriors, the visionaries and the prophets. In their communities, they are often the opinion leaders, the ones others seek out on how to vote or solve a family problem. They make extraordinary parents and partners. They are compassionate and care deeply about social justice and the environment.
I am sure that you can add points that I have forgotten, that are the special joys you receive from raising your HSC. Quite a list, yes? So keep our motto in mind: To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. And let’s get to work.
Chapter Three
When You the Parent Are Not Highly Sensitive
Blessings in Disguise
This chapter should be read by sensitive as well as non-sensitive parents. You begin by taking a self-test, for high sensitivity in adults (and discuss another important temperament that you and your child may have—high novelty seeking). Then we concentrate on both the advantages and problems you may encounter raising an HSC if you (or your partner or the other adults helping to raise your HSC) are not as sensitive—with plenty of suggestions for handling the problems. (Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo) looks at the advantages and problems to expect if you are highly sensitive.)
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND YOU, MOM AND DAD
Even though high sensitivity is an inherited trait, it is quite possible for one or both parents of an HSC to not be highly sensitive themselves. (Some close relative probably is, and that person and your child probably even have similar physical features.) To find out if you are, take the self-test now at the end of the chapter.
This chapter is important for all parents to read, since even highly sensitive parents will not always be sensitive in the same ways or to the same degree as their child. This chapter will also help you advise the nonsensitive people around your child. And you will definitely want to read it if you are just discovering that you are highly sensitive yourself, since up until now you may have had the perspective of a nonsensitive parent, as Sharon did in the previous chapter.
(Please note: For brevity’s sake I will often say “nonsensitive” rather than “non-highly-sensitive,” but I never mean it as “insensitive.” Rather, I mean it very technically: not having this particular inherited trait.)
A SPECIAL NOTE TO FATHERS
Fathers especially need to read this chapter, whether they are highly sensitive or not, because men in this culture are more likely to have the perspective of a nonsensitive parent. That is because our culture tends to equate being a man with insensitivity—with not noticing subtleties and being able to “take it like a man,” whatever the level of stimulation, stress, or pain, even though just as many men as women are born with this trait. (By the way, if you score only in the medium range on the self-test, you may still be highly sensitive.) In my research, fathers turned out to be unusually important in the adjustment of HSCs, since traditionally they teach children how to manage out in the world.
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND NOVELTY SEEKING
High novelty seeking is the term for the trait created by having a very strong go-for-it system (described in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe)). High novelty seekers often like physical thrills, are bored easily with “the same old people,” and love to explore. (In Thomas and Chess’s terms, they are “highly approaching.”) For example, they’d rather go to a new place than back to one they know they like, and if they’re traveling, the more foreign the foreign country, the better. They often experiment with drugs at some point in their lives and they dislike routines.
As said before, it is possible to be highly sensitive and also high on this trait. But even if you are both, your trait of high novelty seeking will have some effects on you that will make you similar to a nonsensitive parent. The reason is that both high novelty seekers and nonsensitive people will enter into new situations more readily than their HSC, although for different reasons. Novelty seekers will do it because they want the fresh experience; nonsensitive types will simply not be so concerned about pausing to check.
In spite of the similarities, there is one situation where we need to discuss novelty seeking separately. That is when both you and your child are both highly sensitive and high novelty seekers. (I have not done enough research on novelty seeking to provide a child’s test for it, but I think you can estimate your child’s novelty seeking fairly well.)
The problem for types like you two is that you are easily bored, always craving fresh experiences, yet easily overwhelmed. Your optimal range of arousal is very narrow. You can seem almost self-destructive in that you will plan a day or an entire lifestyle that overwhelms you, then be exhausted, distressed, or even fall ill. When you consistently fail to contain your novelty seeking, you are inviting chronic illness because of your equally high sensitivity. And, of course, our culture supports the novelty-seeking side of you more. For example, corporate cultures often require or certainly encourage top managers to travel all over the world for their work. And high novelty seekers love all that travel and seeing new places. But if they are highly sensitive, they also burn out from it.
I say all of this because it will be your responsibility to figure out how to manage these two traits in yourself and then to teach your child how to do it. (Since this is not a book on that subject, I can only refer you elsewhere—to volume 4, issues 2 and 3 of The Comfort Zone, a newsletter for highly sensitive people—see Resources.)
WHEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD HAVE QUITE DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS
If you are all one way (a nonsensitive novelty seeker—and perhaps an extrovert, too) and your child is all the other way (an HSC, not a novelty seeker, and perhaps an introvert) then this is a very serious difference between you. Everything I am about to say is very, very important for you.
First, be assured that nonsensitive parents and HSCs can do extremely well together. In Chapter 2 (#u66ec15dd-083c-5ff8-9090-9d6373b6c81c), I described “goodness of fit” and emphasized that it does not at all mean that a parent and child need to have the same temperament; indeed, we will see ways where differences in temperament are an advantage. A good fit refers to the fact that some environments—cultures, families, and parents—support a given temperament especially well. If parents realize that there has been a lack of fit up to this point, they can adapt.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/elaine-n-aron-986663/the-highly-sensitive-child-helping-our-children-thriv/) на ЛитРес.
Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.
Elaine N. Aron
15-20% of children are Highly Sensitive – and they are often labelled shy, introverted, fussy or faddy. The real story is very different though and this intelligent, practical book helps parents know what to do, when to back off, and how to ensure their child is given the right sort of treatment at school.This book is the follow up to the author’s internationally best-selling personal development guide The Highly Sensitive Person.It is the first and only book for parents of highly sensitive children.It provides parents with insights and information so they can understand High Sensitivity, and help their highly sensitive child thrive in the world.It is important for these children to be understood so they can be helped to avoid the common traps of shyness and withdrawal that many highly sensitive fall into as they develop.Contains questionnaire for parents to find out if their child has the traits common in highly sensitive children.Discusses HSC’s at different ages – infant, toddler, school-age and adolescent.…
the highly sensitive child
Helping Our Children Thrive
When the World
Overwhelms Them
ELAINE N. ARON, PH.D.
Copyright (#ulink_492d736d-9757-5fda-b07e-aa05b278524a)
Thorsons
An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF
The website address is: www.thorsonselement.com (http://www.thorsonselement.com)
and Thorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
First published in the USA in 2002 by Broadway Books,
a division of Random House, Inc.
This edition published in 2003 by Thorsons
© 2002 Elaine N. Aron
Elaine N. Aron asserts the moral right to be
identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record of this book is available
from the British Library
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks
HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.
Source ISBN: 9780007163939
Ebook Edition © JUNE 2012 ISBN 9780007382897
Version: 2018-11-19
Dedication (#ulink_0b22f699-2aa1-5bb8-9447-2937aae2634e)
To sensitive children everywhere,
and to those who gently raise them so that they grow up
to be secure in a difficult world
Contents
Cover (#u20fd4e00-4b30-5b5c-8d76-f376a42520cf)
Title Page (#u555c4b53-2822-52ac-adbc-732232b94a90)
Copyright (#ucfe10d25-5013-53a6-8d09-7691f1024060)
Dedication (#u2e018fa7-d500-5bde-a65d-db5955df5c14)
Introduction (#ud4298f0e-eb07-5578-9ba6-1ca28bbf553b)
Is Your Child Highly Sensitive: A Parent’s Questionnaire (#u9422081b-1481-57c1-aa1e-69417d987b3f)
PART I: AN OVERVIEW OF THE SENSITIVE CHILD (#ubdeb8ce3-bb03-566a-afab-00879a16a672)
PART II: FROM INFANCY TO YOUNG ADULTHOOD (#litres_trial_promo)
Twenty Tips for Teachers (#litres_trial_promo)
Resources (#litres_trial_promo)
Notes (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Introduction (#ulink_34953855-0b38-546e-8a2b-5895ead312e7)
If you are reading these words, there is something about your child that makes you think he or she is highly sensitive. To best understand what that means, read over the checklist on pages xvii–xviii. If many of these statements apply to your child, read on … and welcome.
Almost everyone knows that even at birth children have their own personalities. “She always knew what she wanted, even as a baby, and she was going to have it or else.” “He was always good-natured. Feed him or not, change him or not—it hardly mattered.” Like every other child, yours has inherited her own unique combination of innate temperament traits. Yet each trait taken by itself is probably not unique, but is typical of a group of children, and so it can be easily described. “Strong-willed.” “Good-natured.” And so forth.
One such common inherited trait is high sensitivity, found in about 15 to 20 percent of children (the percentage is the same in boys and girls). Some infants seem fairly oblivious to whatever you feed them and whatever the temperature of the room may be; it does not matter to them if the stereo is on loud or the lights are bright. But highly sensitive infants seem to notice every slightly new taste, every change in temperature; they startle at loud noises and cry when a bright light is in their eyes. When they are older, they are often emotionally sensitive, too. They cry easily when their feelings are hurt, they worry more, and they can be so happy they “can’t bear it.” They also reflect before they act, so that they often come across as shy or afraid when they are merely observing. When they grow older still, they are often remarkable for their kindness and conscientiousness; they are upset by injustice, cruelty, or irresponsibility.
Even though it is possible to say a great deal about highly sensitive children (HSCs), no description will fit every child perfectly because, again, each HSC is unique, thanks to a unique combination of inherited traits plus different upbringings and school experiences. Your HSC may be outgoing or prefer to play alone, persistent or easily distracted, bossy and demanding or so adaptable he’s “almost too good.” But there is still a common thread of sensitivity you can recognize.
THE REASON FOR THIS BOOK
Now might be the time to tell you a little more about my study of high sensitivity in adults and how I came to extend my work to children and child-rearing. I am a research psychologist as well as a licensed clinical psychologist; I am also a highly sensitive person and the parent of one. As I describe in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), I began researching high sensitivity as a trait about twelve years ago, and so far I have interviewed or consulted with hundreds, maybe thousands, of sensitive adults, parents, and children. I have gathered questionnaire data from thousands of others. This research has also been published in the leading journals in my field. The information you will find in this book is based on solid evidence. In fact, it has been studied for fifty years in infants and children but described in other terms, such as low sensory threshold, innate shyness, introversion, fearfulness, inhibitedness, negativity, or timidity. So one could say that the basic reason for this book is that the trait needed renaming, especially when the old terms are applied to children. And in renaming it, we gain not only a more accurate description but new ways to think about our sensitive children.
For example, when a child is just watching, we tend to say she is shy or fearful without considering the possibility that this may be the expression of a sensitive individual’s innate preference to pause and observe before proceeding. Or we may hear that a child is “overreacting” or “cannot screen out irrelevant information” when he notices every mood and detail. But what is wrong with having a nervous system that is extremely good at registering the subtle nuances in a given situation? (Besides, who can say what is irrelevant? Noticing where the exit is might seem to most people like seeing “too many details”—until there’s a fire.)
Probably one reason I had this insight about renaming the trait was that, being highly sensitive myself, I knew a little better what was going on inside a sensitive person. True, we are a bit more likely to become shy or anxious after being exposed to certain adverse circumstances. But I am now convinced that it is sensitivity, not shyness or anxiety, that is the fundamental trait. Furthermore, both my research and the research of others indicate that it is primarily parenting that decides whether the expression of sensitivity will be an advantage or a source of anxiety. There are simply too many highly sensitive individuals—again, about 20 percent of the population—for this trait to be a consistent disadvantage. Evolution would not have permitted it. When we understand this trait as sensitivity, we can see its many assets, notice the many sensitive individuals who are thriving, speak of the trait accurately, and above all, parent sensitive children better.
Describing this trait as high sensitivity has been justified best, however, by the response to the concept from the hundreds of thousands who read The Highly Sensitive Person or The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, many of whom have told me, “That’s me—it fits me perfectly, and I never knew anyone else had these feelings … this hunger for enough down time and quiet, the almost constant awareness of others and concern for doing things right.” (This response has not been trivial. My first book, The Highly Sensitive Person, became a best-seller and has been translated into Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Greek, and Polish so far.) Many who contacted me also went on to say that they wished their parents had known about this trait when raising them, or they wanted advice on how to raise their own sensitive child.
Thus it seemed important to write The Highly Sensitive Child, particularly because the advice in the many generally good, one-size-fits-all parenting books leaves out issues that are important for HSCs, such as the need to maintain an optimal level of stimulation and how to do that. Missing just this point about arousal can lead to real problems, such as when a book suggests discipline methods that would so overarouse HSCs that they would be too upset to take in the moral lesson behind the correction. There is simply no other parenting book written with HSCs in mind.
Above all, this book was written because I know some of you are having considerable trouble raising an HSC. This should not be happening. Some of you may have even concluded that there is something wrong with your child or with you as a parent. This book will help alleviate that feeling. It really will. You will relax about your child and your child will be able to relax as well.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
I strongly urge you to read the whole book. The first half is about sensitivity, how your parenting is affected by your own temperament, and the biggest issues to be faced with HSCs, regardless of the age of your child. The second half focuses on specific age groups, all the way from infancy to the young adult who has left home. You should read about all ages of HSCs because (1) there are fresh ideas in each chapter that also apply to children of other ages; (2) under stress, HSCs can return to the behaviors and problems of a younger age, and when feeling good HSCs can act older than their age, so the advice for an age that your child is not may still apply right now; and (3) understanding what was happening during the years before you read this book and what will happen in the years ahead can help you a great deal with your child today.
The “Applying What You Have Learned” sections at the end of some chapters are, of course, optional, but should be helpful and enjoyable. And the case studies provided are all of real parents and children, with the names and identifying details changed, of course.
Above all, I hope that you use this book with pleasure. Having an HSC is a great blessing. Yes, there are some complications because your child is “different,” but here is this book’s motto (it was mine even before I understood that my son was an HSC): To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. You have one. And this book will teach you how to raise him to be not only exceptional, but healthy, loving, well-adjusted, and happy.
Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? A Parent’s Questionnaire (#ulink_ce32ece9-7912-5a67-8309-cbb83dc13f21)
Please answer each question as best you can. Answer TRUE if it is true or at least moderately true of your child, or was for a substantial time in the past. Answer FALSE if it has not been very true of your child, or was never true.
My child …
Scoring
If you answered TRUE to thirteen or more of the questions, your child is probably highly sensitive. But no psychological test is so accurate that you should base how you treat your child on it. If only one or two questions are true of your child, but they are extremely true, you might also be justified in calling your child highly sensitive.
PART I (#ulink_42be2f1c-a7aa-52d5-888c-2651d66bb534)
Chapter One
Sensitivity
A Better Light on “Shy” and “Fussy” Children
This chapter helps you decide if you have a highly sensitive child and explores the trait thoroughly. It also provides more knowledge about all of your child’s inherited temperament traits. Our goal will be to free you of any misconceptions you may have heard about sensitive children. Finally, we will distinguish high sensitivity from actual disorders (which it is not).
Well, if he were my child, he’d eat what was set before him.”
“Your daughter is so quiet—have you considered seeing a doctor about that?”
“He is so mature, so wise for his age. But he seems to think too much. Don’t you worry that he isn’t more happy and carefree?”
“Jodie’s feelings are so easily hurt. And she cries for other kids, too, when they are teased or hurt. And during the sad parts of stories. We don’t know what to do for her.”
“In my kindergarten class, everyone participates in group time, but your son refuses. Is he this stubborn at home?”
Are these sorts of comments familiar to you? They are to the parents I interviewed for this book. They had heard all sorts of well-intentioned comments like these from in-laws, teachers, other parents, and even mental health professionals. If you’ve received such comments, it is almost surely a sign that you are the parent of a highly sensitive child (HSC). And, of course, they are troubling, because you’re hearing that something is odd or wrong with your child, yet you find your child marvelously aware, caring, and sensitive. Furthermore, you know that if you followed the well-intentioned advice, like forcing your child to eat foods he dislikes, socialize when he does not feel like it, or taking him to a psychiatrist, your child would suffer. On the other hand, if you follow the lead of your child, he thrives. Yet the comments keep coming, so you wonder if you’re a bad parent and if your child’s behavior is your fault. I have heard this same story over and over.
THE OPERATING MANUAL FOR YOUR CHILD
No wonder you worry that you may be doing something wrong. You have no one to help you. You have probably noticed that most parenting books focus on “problem behaviors”—restlessness, distractibility, “wildness,” and aggression. Your child is probably anything but a problem in these senses. You’re struggling with issues that the books don’t talk about so much—eating problems, shyness, nightmares, worrying, and intense emotions that are not directed so much at others as they are simply outbursts. The usual advice that you eliminate unwanted behaviors through “consequences” (punishment) often does not work—your child seems crushed by punishment or even criticism.
In this book you will receive advice, but only for sensitive children and from parents of sensitive children, myself included, plus specialists in this trait. And our first advice is not to believe people when they imply there is something wrong with your child, and do not let your child believe it either. Nor are your child’s differences your fault. Of course parenting can always be improved, and this book will “improve” you more than others, because, again, it is written entirely with your “different” child in mind. But forget the idea that the problem is some basic flaw in parent or child.
“DISCOVERING” HIGH SENSITIVITY
According to my own scientific research and professional experience as well as that of many others who have studied this trait under different, less accurate labels, your child has a normal variation in innate human temperament. She is one of the 15 to 20 percent born highly sensitive—far too many for them all to be “abnormal.” Furthermore, the same percentage of sensitive individuals is found in every species that has been studied, as far as I know. With evolution behind it, there must be a good reason for the trait’s presence. We will get to that in a moment, but first, a little bit about this “discovery.”
I began studying high sensitivity in 1991, after another psychologist commented to me that I was highly sensitive. I was curious personally, not planning to write a book or even to try to tell anyone about my findings. In my community and the university where I was teaching, I merely asked to interview people who were “highly sensitive to physical or emotionally evocative stimuli” or “highly introverted.” At first I thought sensitivity might really be the same as introversion, which is the tendency to prefer to have one or two close friends with whom one can talk deeply, and not to be in large groups or meet strangers. Extroverts, on the other hand, like large gatherings, have many friends but usually talk less intimately with them, and enjoy meeting new people. It turned out that introversion was not the same as high sensitivity: Although 70 percent of highly sensitive people (HSP) are introverts, a tendency that is probably part of their strategy to reduce stimulation, 30 percent are extroverts. So I knew I had uncovered something new.
Why would a highly sensitive person be extroverted? According to my interviews, they were often raised in close, loving communities—in one case even a commune. For them, groups of people were familiar and meant safety. Others seemed to have been trained to be outgoing by their families—it was imperative, and as good HSPs they tried to do what was expected of them. One woman recalled the day and hour she decided to become an extrovert. She had lost her best and only friend and decided then and there not to depend anymore on having just one friend.
Since discovering that the trait of sensitivity is not the same as introversion, I have found other evidence that sensitive people are also not inherently shy or “neurotic”—that is, anxious and depressed. All of these descriptors are secondary, noninnate traits found in some sensitive people as well as in many who are not sensitive.
When I made my request to interview sensitive people, I was swamped with volunteers, and finally spoke individually with forty men and women of all ages and walks of life, for three hours each. They really wanted to talk about this—the term and why it meant so much to them the moment they heard it. (Many adults purchase The Highly Sensitive Person simply because they recognized themselves in the title, and likewise you may have bought this book because you recognized your child in its title.)
After discerning the many details of sensitivity from these interviews, I was able to create a long questionnaire about it, and later a shorter one (see pages 88–89), and have since given these to thousands of individuals. The 20 percent or so who are highly sensitive usually immediately grasp the concept as describing them. The non-sensitive 80 percent or so truly do not “get it” and some answer “no” to every item. I found the same results through a random phone survey. Sensitive people really are different.
Since then I have written and taught on the subject extensively, and soon saw the need for a book on raising highly sensitive children. There were too many sad stories from adults about their difficult childhoods, in which well-meaning parents caused tremendous pain because they did not know how to raise a sensitive child. So I interviewed parents and children, and from those talks developed a questionnaire that was given to over a hundred parents of all types of children. That survey, when honed down to the questions that best distinguish HSCs from non-HSCs, became the parent’s questionnaire at the end of the Introduction.
WHAT IS HIGH SENSITIVITY?
Highly sensitive individuals are those born with a tendency to notice more in their environment and deeply reflect on everything before acting, as compared to those who notice less and act quickly and impulsively. As a result, sensitive people, both children and adults, tend to be empathic, smart, intuitive, creative, careful, and conscientious (they are aware of the effects of a misdeed, and so are less likely to commit one). They are also more easily overwhelmed by “high volume” or large quantities of input arriving at once. They try to avoid this, and thus seem to be shy or timid or “party poopers.” When they cannot avoid overstimulation, they seem “easily upset” and “too sensitive.”
Although HSCs notice more, they do not necessarily have better eyes, ears, sense of smell, or taste buds—although some do report having at least one sense that is very keen. Mainly, their brains process information more thoroughly. This processing is not just in the brain, however, since highly sensitive people, children or adults, have faster reflexes (a reaction usually from the spinal cord); are more affected by pain, medications, and stimulants; and have more reactive immune systems and more allergies. In a sense, their entire body is designed to detect and understand more precisely whatever comes in.
How HSCs Sort Oranges
When I was little my father liked to take our family to visit factories, where he would talk the managers into taking us on a tour. The steel mills and glass manufacturers overwhelmed me, of course, because I was highly sensitive. They were too loud, hot, and fiery, and I would cry, so that I dreaded these trips. My nonsensitive family members, on the other hand, were annoyed by my tour-stopping behaviors. But I liked one tour—the orange-packing plant. I liked the ingenious invention that moved the oranges down a shaking conveyer belt until they fell into one of three sized slots—small, medium, or large.
I now use that experience as a way to describe the brains of HSCs. Instead of having three slots for processing what comes down the conveyer belt to them, they have fifteen slots, for making very fine distinctions. And all goes well until too many oranges come down the belt at once. Then you have a huge jam up.
So of course HSCs probably will not like the loud mariachi band in the Mexican restaurant, noisy birthday parties, playing fast-paced team sports, or everyone watching while they give an answer in class. But if you need a guitar tuned, a clever idea for party favors, a witty play on words, or to win a game like chess that requires anticipating consequences or noticing subtle differences, your HSC is the one to have around.
Is It All or None?
Can your child be just a little sensitive? Some researchers say you either have the trait or you do not; others say it is a continuum. My own research says both—that is, some HSCs seem more sensitive than others, probably because there are so many ways that a child’s environment can increase or decrease how much sensitivity is expressed. But if it were a true continuum, like height or weight, most people would be in the middle. In fact, the distribution of highly sensitive people is more like a flat line, perhaps even with a few more people at either end.
Inside the Highly Sensitive Child
Let’s go farther inside the mind of your HSC. Yes, he notices more, but he may have a “specialty.” Some tune in to social cues, mainly noticing moods, expressions, or relationships. Some HSCs mainly notice the natural world, such as changes in the weather or the qualities of plants, or they seem to have an uncanny ability to communicate with animals. Some express subtle concepts, or the humorous and ironic. And some are mainly vigilant in new surroundings while others are mainly bothered by a change in the familiar. Still, in all cases, they are noticing more.
Your HSC is also thinking more than other kids about what she has noticed. Again, there is always variation. She may be pondering and asking you questions about social dilemmas—why you did what you did, why one kid teased another—or larger social issues. Another HSC might be trying to solve difficult math or logic puzzles, or worrying about “what would happen if,” or making up stories or imagining their cat’s thoughts. All kids do these things, but HSCs do them more.
The HSCs’ reflecting on “what’s come in,” particularly whatever they have seen or heard, may be quite conscious and obvious, as when they ask for more time to decide something. (You have probably noticed that trying to get an HSC to decide quickly is like trying to walk a male dog quickly past fire hydrants.) But often HSCs’ processing is entirely unconscious, as when they just intuitively sense what is going on with you. Indeed, intuition might be defined as knowing something without knowing how you know it, and sensitive people are generally highly intuitive.
The processing may be rapid, as when a child instantly knows “something’s up” or “you changed my sheets” when other children would not notice. Or it may be slow, as when HSCs think about something for hours, then announce some startling insight.
Finally, as a result of taking in more and processing it more completely, if the situation is creating an emotional response (and all situations do to some extent), your HSC is going to feel stronger emotions. Sometimes it’s intense love, awe, or joy. But because all children are dealing with new, stressful situations every day, HSCs will also have to feel fear, anger, and sadness, and feel these more intensely than other children.
Because of these strong feelings and deep thoughts, most HSCs are unusually empathic. So they suffer more when others suffer and become interested early in social justice. They are also brilliant interpreters of what is happening in anything or anyone that cannot speak—plants, animals, organs in bodies, babies, those not speaking the sensitive person’s language, and the very elderly when they suffer from dementia. They tend to have rich inner lives. And again, HSCs are conscientious for their age—they can imagine for themselves or understand when you say “what if everybody did that.” They also tend to seek the meaning of their lives very early.
Mind you, HSCs are not saints. In particular, with a few bad experiences, they are more likely than others to become shy, fearful, or depressed. But with a little gentle guidance, they are exceptionally creative, cooperative, and kind—except when overwhelmed. And whatever they are doing—or not doing—HSCs do stand out, even though they are not “problems” in the usual sense.
Long before I knew I was raising a highly sensitive child, I just knew my son was “different.” He was aware, incredibly creative, conscientious, cautious in new situations, easily hurt by his peers, not fond of “rough and tumble” play or sports, and emotionally intense. He was hard to raise in some ways, easy in others, and always stood out, even if only as the kid who was not joining in. So I developed the motto that I shared with you in the Introduction: If you want to have an exceptional child, you must be willing to have an exceptional child.
The Problem of Becoming Easily Overstimulated
Although I could sing the praises of HSCs for many pages, you are reading this book because you need help. Unfortunately, most people—and that includes parents—tend to notice mostly the down side of sensitivity. This is, again, because HSCs are easily bothered by things other children do not notice, and can become totally overwhelmed by a noisy, complex, constantly changing situation, like a classroom or a family reunion, especially if they are in that environment for too long. How could they not be bothered, when they sense so much in every situation? But given the fact that HSCs are in the minority, their reactions and solutions often seem odd to others. Hence all those hints from others, or perhaps suspicions in your own mind, that your child is abnormal.
What are some of the ways in which HSCs try to deal with overstimulation? No child will do all of these, but some will likely be familiar to you. Often HSCs complain a great deal—it’s too hot, too cold, the fabric is too itchy, the food is too spicy, the room smells too weird—things other children would not even notice. And they may choose to play alone, watch quietly from the sidelines, eat only familiar foods, or stay in one room or indoors or in a certain spot outside. They may refuse for a few minutes, hours, days, or even months to speak to adults, strangers, or in class. Or they may avoid “typical, fun kid activities” like summer camp, soccer, parties, or dating.
Some HSCs throw tantrums and have rages to avoid what irritates or overwhelms them or as a reaction to it. Others try to cause no trouble, to be perfectly obedient, hoping no one will notice them or expect more of them. Some stay glued to the computer or read all day, mastering a smaller world. Others will begin to overcompensate for what seems to them to be a flaw, by striving to be stars or perfect.
Some overstimulated HSCs bounce off the walls and seem to have attention deficit disorder, ADD (but their attention is fine when they are not overstimulated and have their priorities straight—more about that later). Or they have “meltdowns,” lying on the floor and screaming. Others become very still and quiet when overstimulated. Some develop stomachaches or headaches—their body’s reaction and also its solution if that means they can go and rest.
Finally, as we will see, some HSCs feel they have tried everything and finally give up. They become afraid and withdrawn and lose hope.
Children can exhibit any of these behaviors for other reasons, and all children can become overstimulated without being HSCs. But too often sensitivity is the last explanation adults think of when children rage, are depressed, bounce off the walls, have stomachaches, or become stressed-out overachievers. It is my hope that, with the publication of this book, people will no longer overlook that possibility. At the end of the chapter I will discuss how to distinguish an overaroused HSC from children who are not sensitive and children with more serious problems.
If There Are So Many HSCs, Why Haven’t I Heard of This Before?
Today, we know that about 50 percent of personality is caused by innate temperament differences such as high sensitivity. The other 50 percent is caused by experiences or the “environment.” But not so long ago psychologists believed that a person’s personality was completely determined by experiences, especially experiences within the family.
When psychologists did begin to study temperament, it was easy to describe the actions and feelings of active children as they were observed in the laboratory or at school, but harder to describe those who stood in the back of the room or were quiet. You might say that this difference of doing less was the easiest to observe—all cultures observe this difference in people—but the hardest to describe. So observers tended to assume that the quiet ones were shy, afraid, unsocial, or inhibited. In identifying the trait of high sensitivity, we have simply gained a more accurate label.
I see no evidence that children are born afraid, timid, shy (afraid of social judgments), negative, or preferring to avoid human contact. Such innate fear would be a terrible flaw in a social species such as ours. It would not have withstood the tests of evolution and been passed on over generations, as this trait clearly has been. All of these reactions or characteristics, if they arise, can be better understood as a vulnerability due to something more basic, sensitivity. (Or in some shy, fearful, inhibited nonsensitive people, these reactions are purely due to bad experiences, but not genetics.)
What we call this trait does matter. Labels tell us what we are dealing with as well as affect how children are viewed and view themselves. Naturally, those in the majority, the nonsensitive, have developed assumptions about what is going on inside sensitive children. Sometimes they may be projecting a bit—seeing in the “other” what they do not like and want to be rid of in themselves (perhaps fear or what they see as “softness” or “weakness”). But from the inside, sensitive children and their parents know the rest of the story—these children are sensitive.
IS YOUR CHILD HIGHLY SENSITIVE?
If you have not already done so, fill out the questionnaire at the end of the Introduction. Every “true” is a statement about an HSC. These questions are the result of research involving thousands of children. However, not all the statements will be true of every HSC. Children, like adults, vary enormously, in both their other inherited traits and the environment in which they grow up. So another way to decide is to do what you are doing—reading this chapter—and then seeing if it seems to fit your child.
Parents often know right away that they have an unusually sensitive child. Any newborn can be fussy or colicky, but sensitive infants cry mainly when there’s too much (for them) happening around them for too long. And for a sensitive infant, it takes much less to be “too much.” Sensitive children are also more affected by the moods of their parents—for example, anxiety. You can imagine the vicious circle that can create—you will find more on this topic in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo).
On the other hand, some sensitive babies don’t cry very much at all. Their parents have caught on to their infant’s sensitivity, perhaps because they are sensitive themselves, and have kept their child’s world calm and not too stimulating. Yet sensitive infants are still noticeable—they seem to follow everything with their eyes, respond to every sound or change in tone, and react to the fabrics against their skin or the temperature of their bathwater. As they grow, HSCs notice even more—that you are wearing a new shirt, that the broccoli has some spaghetti sauce on it, that there aren’t any trees growing here, that Grandma moved the sofa. And again, they are even more easily overwhelmed as they grow because they are experiencing so much more and have not yet become familiar with what they see, or learned how to reduce what their senses are absorbing.
So Why Is My Child Sensitive but Others Aren’t?
Any temperament trait is an innate, and thus very basic, aspect of a person’s behavior. It is genetically determined and usually present from birth. The basic temperament traits are found not only in humans but in all higher animals. Think of the temperaments typical in different breeds of dogs—the friendly Lab, the aggressive pit bull, the protective sheep dog, the proud prancing poodle. How they are raised matters, too, of course, but you cannot make a bulldog act like a Chihuahua. These personalities evolved, or were developed by breeders, because they are highly adaptive in certain situations. Therefore they are not disorders or impairments. All of them are normal dogs.
Biologists used to think that evolution guided every species toward a perfectly adapted prototype for living in a particular ecological niche. There is a design for an elephant that will work perfectly—a perfect length of trunk, height, thickness of skin. Elephants born with these features will survive while those that do not will die out.
Yet it turns out that in most or perhaps all animal species we find two “personalities.” A sizable minority are like your child—more sensitive, aware of subtleties, checking everything before proceeding—while the majority go boldly ahead without paying close attention to the situation or their surroundings.
Why would this difference exist? Imagine two deer at the edge of a meadow with grass that looks especially nutritious. One deer will pause a long time to be certain no predators are lurking. The other will pause briefly, then rush out and eat the grass. If the first deer was right, the second deer is dead. If the second deer is right, the first deer misses out on the best grass and, if this happens often, may suffer from malnutrition, become diseased, and die. So having two strategies, two “breeds” of deer in a herd, increases the odds of that group of deer surviving no matter what happens in the meadow that day.
Interestingly, even a study of fruit flies found this difference—and the gene that causes it. Some fruit flies have a place on their “forage” gene that makes them “sitters”—they do not forage far when food is present. Others are called “rovers” and do forage afar. Even more interesting, the gene causes the sitters to have the more sensitive, highly developed nervous systems!
In another animal experiment, looking at the “personality types” of pumpkinseed sunfish, a pond was filled with traps. According to the researchers, the majority of fish were “bold” and behaved “normally” by going into the traps, while the minority, the “shy” fish, escaped the traps. (What I want to know is why the two types weren’t called the stupid and the smart sunfish? Or at least the nonsensitive and sensitive!)
HOW THE HUMAN SPECIES WILL BENEFIT FROM YOUR HSC
In human groups there are enormous advantages to having a large minority who reflect before acting. They notice potential danger sooner; the others can then rush out to take care of it (and even enjoy the excitement of it all). The sensitive ones think carefully about consequences, too, and often insist that the others pause, see what may happen, and develop the best strategy. Clearly the two work best in combination.
Traditionally, sensitive people have been the scientists, counselors, theologians, historians, lawyers, doctors, nurses, teachers, and artists (for example, at one time sensitive people naturally became their town’s schoolmaster or -mistress, preacher, or family doctor). But, increasingly, sensitive persons are being nudged out of all these fields due to what seems to be a cycle that starts with the nonsensitive moving aggressively into decision-making roles, where they, quite naturally due to their temperaments, devalue cautious decision making, emphasize short-term profits or flashy results assertively presented over a quieter concern for consistent quality and long-term consequences, and do not need and so eliminate calm work environments and reasonable work schedules. Sensitive people are discounted, have less influence, suffer, or quit. Then the non-sensitive control the profession even more.
My description of this cycle is not meant as a complaint—merely an observation about a probable reason for these professions becoming more profit-oriented and less satisfactory in their results. In today’s world, too, if decision makers are not thinking enough about complexities and consequences, there is also danger as well as discomfort when there is an imbalance between the influence of the sensitive and nonsensitive. So it is critical for all of us that your HSC emerge from your home feeling confident and important, so he can share his gifts and have a solid influence on others.
Your Child Is Still Utterly Unique—Like Rhoda’s Three
Now that I have made a case for “sensitive” as the best label for this trait, let’s admit one problem with labels (there are others of course). It seems as though as soon as we give something a label, we think we know quite a bit about it, whether it is a camellia, a German shepherd, or an HSC. In fact, we still know very little about each individual camellia, German shepherd, or HSC.
As I interviewed parents and children specifically for this book, I was stunned by the uniqueness of each HSC, even more than in adults. It made me agree yet again with Margaret Mead, who said that children are born with a great variety of traits, like the many hues of a palette, but the culture encourages only certain ones. The others are ignored or flatly discouraged, so that by adulthood there is less variety.
In childhood, however, there is a vast palette, even among HSCs. Consider Rhoda, a highly sensitive person with three older HSCs—ages twenty-two, twenty, and sixteen. As children, they were all more aware of stimuli than other kids. They all needed more rest and “down time” than their peers. People told all three of them at various times that they were “overreacting” and “too sensitive.” Each found some form of artistic endeavor to express their intense awareness.
But such different children! Ann, the oldest, is a photographer. She likes fresh experiences—she rides motorcycles, jumps out of airplanes. Andrew, the middle child, is conservative, particular, and “fussy.” He is a visual artist. His work is very detailed and careful. From birth he was always the most sensitive to sound and to scents.
All three are intensely emotional, but Ann and Andrew do not let it show. Tina, the youngest, has always been more dramatic and expressive. As a child she threw tantrums. As a teenager she has dark depressions. Her art form is poetry—something she can read out loud. Her colds are more likely to become bronchitis or even pneumonia, something that takes her to the doctor’s office.
WHY DO EVEN HSCS VARY SO MUCH?
One reason for the variation among HSCs is that temperament traits seem to be caused by several genes, each having small, cumulative effects. Thus each different flavor of sensitivity—sensitivity to the subtle, the overwhelming, the new, the emotional, the social, or the physical and nonsocial—may be caused by a different gene. Yet there is still something common to these different sensitivities and they may tend to be inherited together. (If the underlying trait was not one trait, my questionnaire would have uncovered several different “factors,” but there was only one.)
Here are more examples of the range of HSCs. Yes, Rhoda’s youngest, Tina, had tantrums, as do many HSCs when young and overstimulated. But in this book you will also meet Alice, who is three and has never had a tantrum. She is strong-willed and opinionated, but when she wants something, she says it in a way that is almost uncanny in its maturity.
You will meet Walt, seven, who hates sports (but loves chess); Randall, nine, who will only play baseball, and only if his mother coaches the team; and Chuck, also nine, who will play any sport and be good at it. He climbs high and loves to ski, but he knows his terrain and his limits. (On a recent skiing trip, Chuck was caught at the top in a blizzard. He cried from the stress of it, but insisted on going down anyway.)
Chuck is an indifferent student; Walt and Randall are doing great academically. Catherine has been advanced almost every grade, starting with a move from preschool to kindergarten. And Maria was her high school’s valedictorian and graduated summa cum laude in chemistry from Harvard.
You already read about Tina being an extrovert. Chuck is also extroverted, popular, already discovered by the girls. In contrast, Randall has limited friendships, mainly because he does not like to go to other homes—he dislikes the unfamiliar family members, food, and routines.
Sometimes the quality that parents notice most is their child’s emotional sensitivity. You’ll meet River, a teenager so aware of others’ emotions that he begged his mother to take in a homeless person he found in the park. (His mother decided to let the man stay until her son realized the problems with the situation and found another solution, which he did after three months.)
Melanie, eight, is another HSC with emotional sensitivity. She cries if she feels embarrassed or if someone else is teased. Her sensitivity also extends to physical pain. Afraid of falling, she did not learn to ride a bike without training wheels until her sister, three years younger, learned. Her pride finally forced her to take the risk.
Walt is mostly sensitive to new situations and people. Consider Walt’s first experience with grass: He crawled to the edge of a blanket, continued onto the grass, and cried from the shock of it. His mother remembers that two years later his sister crawled to the edge of the blanket, felt the grass, and just kept going.
Larry, thirteen now, is mostly sensitive to sound, clothing, and foods. Until kindergarten he only wore sweatshirts and sweatpants. He could not bear the roughness of jeans. Like Walt, he also doesn’t like new situations—he refuses to go to camp or take long vacations.
Mitchell, five, seems to have all the characteristics of an HSC. He is sensitive to social novelty, so he’s really struggling with starting school. He does not like birthday parties and will not wear a costume at Halloween, not wanting everyone looking at him. He is slow verbally because he’s thinking so much before he speaks—he developed some stuttering after his older cousins came to visit because he had trouble speaking as quickly as they did. He has the physical sensitivity, too, so that he does not like foods that have been mixed or socks that rub. His mother cuts the tags from his clothing because they bother his neck and waist.
THEN THERE IS EMILIO
Emilio, seven, is not quite like any of the others, yet he has the same underlying “feel.” He is very sociable and has no trouble meeting new people. He eats everything, eagerly, and is not fussy about what he wears. Yet despite his extroversion, he dislikes noise and parties and needs plenty of down time and a schedule. His sensitivity was clearly manifested in his self-imposed solution to overstimulation in infancy—in fact, it showed signs of true genius.
For the first two months of life Emilio had been crying every night at the same time, right on schedule, and was obviously miserable. Then his parents bought a playpen. From then on he was happy in it and nowhere else. He ate there, slept there, played there. If his mother took him out, he howled, and as soon as he was old enough, he crawled right back to it. He had no interest in exploring the cupboards or closets. He wanted his playpen!
Neighbors and relatives felt sorry for him, and told Emilio’s mother she had to get rid of that baby prison and stunter of exploration—a perfect example of that familiar, well-meaning advice that implies something is wrong with either the child or the parents.
But Emilio’s mother could not bear to separate her infant from his playpen. It made him too happy. The playpen was in the living room, so he was included in most family life, and to Prince Emilio it seemed to be more like a castle than a dungeon. So his mother decided to stop making an issue of it—as long as the floor of it did not break under her chubby son’s bouncing! She knew he would not be there when he was twenty. And in fact, at two and a half, when his younger brother needed it, he gave it up, not wanting to seem like a baby.
Another Source of Variation—Two Competing Systems
Another reason for the variations in the behavior of HSCs is suggested by one of the scientific models for the cause of sensitivity, which is that sensitive persons have a very active “behavioral inhibition system.” All brains have this system, but in the highly sensitive it is thought to be especially strong or active. For example, this system is associated with an active right hemisphere of the thinking part of the brain (the frontal cortex), and babies with more electrical activity and blood flow on the right side of the brain are more likely to be HSCs.
I prefer to call this system in the brain the “pause-to-check system” because that is what it really does. It is designed to look at the situation you are in and see if it is similar to any past situations stored in your memory. So it only causes “inhibition” for a moment—unless, of course, the prior similar situation was threatening. Otherwise, after a brief pause to check, one could just as easily decide to rush ahead.
For the highly sensitive, the pause-to-check urge is probably strong because they have so much input to process from every situation. Consider the two deer pausing at the edge of the meadow. The highly sensitive deer is noticing subtle scents, shadows, shades of color, tiny movements caused by the wind—or perhaps not caused by wind but by a predator. The less sensitive deer is not noticing all of this so has less to process, less reason to pause.
What the less sensitive deer has is a stronger “behavioral activation system”—it sees some good grass in the meadow and after a very brief check, it heads for it. This system, which I will call the “go-for-it system,” causes us to be eager to explore, succeed, and pursue the good things in life. It makes us want new experiences, try new things, all in the interest of knowing, acquiring, thriving.
Again, everyone has both systems, and these two systems are controlled by separate genes. Thus one can have a very strong inhibition system or a strong activation system, or both, or neither. HSCs who are high on both are like Ann or Chuck—always exploring, trying new things, climbing higher. But being HSCs, too, they do it carefully, usually without taking big risks. They know their limits.
So, another major source of variation among HSCs is the relative strength of these two systems. I will discuss this more in Chapter 3 (#u81717e4b-cea1-5683-9c12-891f9e778533).
Now It Really Gets Complicated—So Many Other Traits
Yet another source of variation besides different genes for different kinds of sensitivity and the relative balance of the aforementioned two systems are your child’s other inherited traits. Those who study temperament have come up with several different lists. (I think of them as different ways to slice the same pie.) The best-known list is of nine traits, arising from the work of Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess. As you seek to better understand your HSC, it is important to know something about these other temperament traits. So let’s consider each, in the light of high sensitivity (the definitions are from Jan Kristal’s The Temperament Perspective).
1. Low sensory threshold. On this list from Thomas and Chess, low sensory threshold is the equivalent of high sensitivity, although their term seems to imply that the five senses are the main source of the trait and does not emphasize the deeper processing of experiences, including imagined or remembered experiences, with all their emotional implications.
2. Activity or energy level. Active children have a great zest for life. They are independent and approach everything with their entire mind and body on. They are usually well coordinated, quick to walk and talk, eager to learn, but exhausting to parent. Less active children are calm, seldom fidgety or restless, better at fine motor skills than gross ones, and in no hurry. HSCs can vary on this as much as other children (it is probably affected more by the go-for-it system). Being high in activity can help an HSC move out into the world. But when considering activity level, I like to think about both inner and outer activity. Some children, HSCs in particular, may be outwardly quiet but their minds are buzzing.
3. Intensity of emotional response. Intense children put considerable energy into their emotional expression. They seem dramatic and loud; you do not have to guess what they are feeling. Low-intensity children are subdued, showing their displeasure with little fuss, never a tantrum. Most HSCs have intense responses, but many would be considered low on this trait because they do not express their reactions outwardly, in dramatics, so much as inwardly, with stomachaches or anxiousness. It is usually not hard to see their intense response if you are paying attention. And HSCs who are outwardly intense—there are some—at least grow up with the advantage that they let the world know when they are overwhelmed.
3. Rhythmicity. Children with this trait are very predictable. You know what time they will be hungry, sleepy, or have bowel movements. When older, they are creatures of habit, keep their rooms orderly, eat regular meals and snacks, and get their work done on time. Most HSCs are fairly predictable, probably because they thrive on order, and this can be a great advantage to you and your child. But your HSC may also be quite unpredictable.
5. Adaptability. Children who are very adaptable go with the flow; they can handle changes, transitions, and interruptions; they make good travelers. Slow-adapting children need to know what to expect and when to expect it, and don’t like change that happens suddenly. They want to control situations when they don’t know what to expect. A simple statement like “Time to eat” may be met with stalling or a complete tantrum. Most HSCs seem to be poor adapters, but in reality they are being asked to adapt to too much. They are overwhelmed, or afraid of being overwhelmed, by all the new stimulation that must be processed before they can relax. On the other hand, HSCs can see the consequences if they do not adapt, both for themselves and those around them, and will try their best to be flexible. What is frustrating for parents is that these children often keep it together when away from the family, then when they come home, they “lose it” when asked to make a small transition. For the sake of being socially appropriate, they have overtaxed their ability to handle change. At home they feel free to let go.
6. Initial Reaction or approach/withdrawal. One child rushes into things, another is slow to warm up. Most HSCs pause to check, but if the HSC also has a strong go-for-it system, she might be fairly quick to engage with new people and things if it feels safe.
7. Persistence. Some children stick to a task no matter what. They like to finish what they start; they will practice something until they master it. We say they have a long attention span, until it becomes a problem, then we call it stubbornness. Other children stay with an activity briefly, then move on. It may be that they are easily frustrated and give up more easily. This is a separate trait from sensitivity, but sensitivity affects it. For example, since HSCs process things so deeply, they tend to be persistent. But their vision of how to do something perfectly can make them frustrated when they cannot achieve it, which leads to overarousal and a sense of failure, and then they want to quit and are not persistent. Or some will drop everything—not persist—if they see that someone needs or desires them to do something different.
8. Distractibility. This refers to how easily a child can be taken “off task” or shifts on his own from one activity to another. How does this differ from low persistence? A distractible child will look up from reading if someone walks by; if he is also persistent, the child will return to reading. A less persistent child keeps watching. A less distractible child would not even notice the person walking by. If he’s also not persistent, he will not read for long either, but not necessarily because of any distraction. HSCs are fairly distractible, since they notice so much, but their deep processing usually overrides their distractibility—that is, in a quiet place with no inner worries they have deep concentration.
9. Predominate Mood. Some children are said to be naturally cheerful, some irritable, some pessimistic. Many temperament counselors no longer use these labels, because they recognize that a child’s mood is deeply affected by her environment and experiences. I do not see any one mood predominating in HSCs, although I do see their moods affected more by life experiences than non-HSCs.
CLEARING UP AGAIN THOSE OLD MISCONCEPTIONS
As we come to the end of our introduction to highly sensitive children, it is equally helpful to pinpoint what your child is not. People have probably labeled your HSC in various ways that sound so true you may find it difficult to ignore those labels. So let’s consider some of these and whether they have any real merit.
First, is your child “fussy”? Yes, HSCs are definitely bothered more by “little” discomforts, changes, or oddities. But “little” is in the eyes of the beholder. What seems neat, clean, comfortable, or scent-free to one person is dirty, miserable, and reeking to another. If it is the same macaroni to you whether it’s shell-shaped or elbow-shaped, it is not to your tearful child. Respecting the reality of your HSC’s experience is basic to getting along with her. It’s okay if you do not like your child’s reactions—you each have likes and dislikes—but you each have to be respectful. You can allow your child not to like the macaroni’s shape, and she should be polite about it. Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) has advice on handling your child’s discomforts. But we will not call this type of response “fussy.”
Second, your child is not inherently timid or fearful. Again, I doubt any individual—animal or human—is born highly afraid of everything. Except for a few specific fears, such as the fear of falling, we learn what to fear from experience. It is actually rather easy to tell the difference between fear due to past bad experiences and sensitivity—people who like to pet dogs or cats know what I mean. Both the “shy” and the sensitive animals may hang back and watch you rather than rush forward. But the sensitive ones are alert, curious, and come forward eventually, deciding about you and then sticking to that decision the next time you meet. The frightened ones can barely look at you, are tense, distracted, and miserable, and may never come forward, or if they do, you have to go through it again the next time around.
It is also true that once HSCs have had bad experiences or feel unsupported, then when they do pause to check they cannot compare the new situation to old ones and assume all is well, so they truly are fearful. But to think of these children only as fearful is to miss their essence and especially their assets. When we see a lovely fair-skinned person with blond hair and blue eyes, we don’t say, “Oh, look at that skin cancer – prone person.” So why focus on the greater potential for fear in HSCs? It is important to regard every personality trait as having a purpose and to focus on the situations in which it is adaptive as well as the times when it is not.
In the same vein, HSCs are not born “shy.” I doubt anyone is born shy in the sense of fearing the negative opinions of others and being seen as not good enough. Of course, the word shy is loosely tossed around, especially about those who hang back for any reason. “Shy” is even used with animals—people will say that one in every litter is born “shy.” But when it is used in this loose way to describe any kind of hesitance, again, you are probably inaccurately labeling a child who is actually an HSC.
I was present on the first day of preschool for both my son and, fifteen years later, my nephew. Both boys, both HSCs, stood at the back of the room, just stunned by all the kids, toys, and activity. I could tell they were not afraid. They were just watching, fascinated. Both times a teacher came up and asked them if they were “shy” or “afraid.” The labeling had already begun for them.
Third, introverted HSCs do not “dislike people.” Introverts simply prefer being with one or two close friends rather than in large groups or meeting strangers. Another way to think of introverts is that they prefer to step back and reflect on what they encounter; extroverts prefer to rush forward. Introverts value the inner, subjective experience of what they encounter; extroverts value the outer, “actual” objective experience.
As I said earlier, when I began my research, I thought sensitivity might be the same as introversion, and by the last definition, it is. But most people think of introversion and extroversion as a description of how sociable one is. And by that definition, as I’ve said, about 70 percent of HSCs are introverts, but not all; some are extroverts. And not all social introverts are highly sensitive. Are introversion and extroversion inherited differences? We do not know for sure. What matters is that you know your child’s preferred, most comfortable style.
Fourth, your child is not even “overly sensitive.” Professionals with a medical background tend to think of sensitivity as a disorder, a problem of being “too sensitive” and unable to filter or coordinate the information they take in. For example, occupational therapists who use Sensory Integration Therapy to treat real problems include “oversensitivity” as a problem, as if it can be cured.
I do not wish to be critical of Sensory Integration, however. Certainly, sensitive children, like all children, may have a sensory integration problem. These show up as difficulty with balance, awkwardness or stiffness of motion, lack of coordination, and so forth. Many parents have told me that they found Sensory Integration very helpful for their HSCs, although it takes time. But I do not think being sensitive as I have defined it is a problem to be treated, much less cured. (Whenever anyone says an HSC is “overly” sensitive or taking in “irrelevant” information, I think of Sherlock Holmes, who found everything relevant.)
Finally, HSCs are not mentally ill and will not become mentally ill unless put under unusual stress. As Jerome Kagan of Harvard said about “highly reactive infants,” 90 percent do not become consistently inhibited or anxious as adults. Studies of adolescent anxiety finds it unrelated to shyness in early childhood, except in rare cases in which the families already had members with anxiety disorders. Finally, there is my own research, which indicates that those HSCs with reasonably normal childhoods were no more prone to anxiety, depression, or shyness than non-HSCs.
Furthermore, two studies have found that “reactive” children (HSCs) with good childhoods are actually less likely to have physical illnesses or injuries than non-HSCs (suggesting they are emotionally healthier as well).
STILL UNSURE IF YOUR CHILD IS AN HSC?
At the start of the chapter I said that a good way to know if your child is an HSC is simply to read this chapter and see if it fits. To help you draw your conclusion I need to make a few more comments.
First, your child is probably not an HSC if he is sensitive about only one thing, or only about something that would be expected for his age. For example, most children develop a fear of strangers in the second half of the first year, and become fussy about how things are done when they are two. Most young children are bothered by very loud noises and separations from their parents. They almost all have some nightmares.
Your child is also probably not an HSC if there was no sensitivity or fearful reactions until a big stress or change in the child’s life—a new sibling, move, divorce, or change of caregivers, for example. If your child’s personality has undergone a sudden, persistent, disturbing change—such as becoming withdrawn, refusing to eat, developing obsessive fears, picking fights constantly, or developing a sudden, very negative self-image or sense of hopelessness—that needs to be checked by a professional team, which usually includes at least a child psychologist, child psychiatrist, and pediatrician. An HSC’s reactions are fairly consistent from birth, not a sudden change, and not purely negative.
HSCs have responses that are more pronounced than those of a non-HSC, but they are within the normal range for HSCs, and the normal range on most other behaviors. They start to talk and walk at about normal times, although slight delays are common in toilet training or giving up a pacifier. They are responsive to people as well as to their environment, and eager to communicate with those they know well. And while young HSCs may refuse to talk at school at first, they should be talking at home and with close friends—that is, they should be relaxed in familiar surroundings.
HSCs and ADD
I am always asked about the relationship between the trait of sensitivity and attention deficit disorder (ADD). On the surface, there are similarities, and some professionals think many HSCs are misdiagnosed as having ADD. And, I suppose, it is possible for HSCs to have ADD. But the two are not the same at all, and in some ways are, in fact, opposites. For example, there is more blood flow to the right side of the brain in most HSCs, more to the left in those with ADD. Children with ADD probably have very active go-for-it systems and relatively inactive pause-to-check systems.
Why are the two confused? Like children with ADD, HSCs can be easily distracted because they notice so much (although at times they are so deep in thought they notice very little). But ADD is a disorder because it indicates a general lack of adequate “executive functions,” such as decision making, focusing, and reflecting on outcomes. HSCs are usually good at all of this, at least when they are in a calm, familiar environment. For whatever reason (the cause is not known), children with ADD find it very difficult to learn to prioritize, to return their attention to what they are doing once they have glanced outside or know the teacher is not talking to them personally.
Again, HSCs can generally tune out distractions when they want to or must, at least for a while. But it requires mental energy. Thus another reason HSCs can be misdiagnosed as having ADD is because, if the distractions are numerous or prolonged, or they are emotionally upset and thus overstimulated already from within, they may very well become overwhelmed by outer distractions and behave as if agitated or “spacey.” They may tire midway through a long, noisy school day because they have to make a greater effort than others to screen out distractions. Also, if they fear they will perform worse in a given situation because of overarousal and distractions—for example, during an important exam—they very often do become overaroused and therefore notice some distraction they could ordinarily tune out.
Teachers may suggest that an HSC has ADD because there is usually money for treating ADD, so the student who is thus diagnosed will receive special help—as discussed, high sensitivity is a less familiar explanation for unusual behavior. (There is also considerable controversy among those who study temperament about whether much of ADD is simply normal temperament variation that is, like sensitivity, misunderstood. For an interesting cultural discussion of ADD, with much to say to highly sensitive people as well, take a look at Ritalin Nation by Richard DeGrandpre.)
Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome
Usually, when a child has a serious problem, such as autism or Asperger’s disorder, the parents or pediatrician have spotted it early on. Autistic infants do not smile, imitate facial expressions, follow a pointing finger with their eyes, or mouth the syllables of language. At two or three they have little interest in others or responses to others’ needs and feelings. They apparently do not wish to communicate and do not engage in imaginary play, as far as we know. This is all very different from the behavior of an HSC, who is eager to communicate except when very overstimulated. High sensitivity is found in about 20 percent of the population; autism affects two to four children in ten thousand, and three quarters of them are boys. One is a normal variation, the other is a true disorder.
Asperger’s syndrome affects about one in five hundred children and is five times more common in boys. Such children often exhibit motor problems, such as strange postures, gestures not matching their speed, awkwardness, poor rhythm, and unreadable handwriting. An HSC during the stress of an examination might show poor coordination but not the other symptoms. Children with Asperger’s do seem to wish to communicate, but do so very poorly because they apparently lack an intuitive understanding of how to listen and when to talk. They cannot take hints, understand irony, keep secrets, or decipher facial expressions. They often talk monotonously on a subject no one else is interested in. None of this is true of a normal HSC.
The reason there is sometimes confusion here is that children with autism or Asperger’s are usually very highly sensitive to sensory input. But again, they are not sensitive to social input, or at least not in an adaptive way, which makes them very, very different from HSCs. I do not believe that HSCs are on some normal end of an “autistic spectrum,” although that argument has been made. A better description of children on the more normal end of the autistic spectrum would be those who are socially “odd”—eccentric, pedantic, or emotionally remote.
Again, normal children, HSCs included, are born ready and eager to relate; they are programmed for it. As we will see in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo), they are probably already emotionally responsive to their mother even in the womb; children with these other disorders are not.
What to Do If You Are Not Sure
If in doubt, have a team of professionals evaluate your child. Start by getting the name of a highly respected professional who takes a team approach, then get the names of the other professionals with whom he or she works. This may be costly, but problems caught early can usually be changed and with far less expense. You need a team because a pediatrician alone may emphasize physical symptoms or solutions. A psychiatrist will be looking for mental disorders that might be helped with medication. A psychologist will want to teach new behaviors but may miss a physical problem. Occupational therapists will emphasize sensorimotor problems and solutions; speech therapists will attend to verbal skills; a social worker will examine the family, school, and community environment. Together, they are great. Indeed, there may be some problem in each area that needs attention. (In my opinion, medication alone is never a sufficient treatment for a behavioral problem in a child, who should be learning how to cope with whatever problem she has.)
A thorough evaluation will take weeks, not hours. Those involved should want reports from you, your child’s teachers or child-care providers, and any professionals who have already seen your child. They should ask for your family’s medical records and history, and someone should observe your child and possibly you and your child together. Above all, they should talk about temperament as part of the total picture and sound knowledgeable on the subject. Unfortunately, many professionals are not, and they can make serious mistakes with an HSC. (See Resources at the end of the book for names of temperament counselors.)
Finally, during and after this evaluation, these professionals should be giving you support and encouragement. You need to be able to trust and respect these people; they are going to have a tremendous effect on your child’s life. If you have doubts about an opinion, get a second one. Those who provide the first opinion should encourage that. Do not be rushed into any treatment unless there is a good reason for speed.
Remember, HSCs are normal kids who most of the time are relaxed and outgoing with those they know well. They listen and express themselves easily. When under stress, they are temporarily out of commission, perhaps very upset. But you will also have seen them feeling good, friendly, curious, and proud of themselves.
Should you look for a “cure” for your child’s sensitivity? No. Temperament traits can be worked with so that the child learns how to cope and fit into a given culture, and parents can learn how to help with that. Trying to cure, remove, or hide a trait, however, is likely to lead to more trouble. Sensitive older boys and men in our society often feel they have to hide their sensitivity, and they do so usually at great personal cost. Variety in temperament is the “spice of life”—and perhaps the best hope of a species’ survival.
A FINAL WORD: HSCS ARE ON THE WAY TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS
Do you have any lingering concern that your child may find it difficult to be truly happy or successful? If so, stop worrying. Many highly sensitive people have told me that they believe they feel far more joy and contentment far more deeply than others. And a host of them are prominent professors, judges, doctors, research scientists, widely published authors, famous artists, and renowned musicians.
Yes, your child will be more aware of the problems and the pain in the world. But perhaps the best definition of happiness came from Aristotle: We are happiest when doing what, by nature, we were born to do best. The born dancer is happiest dancing, not quite as happy when baking pies. The born gardener is happiest gardening, not quite so happy trying to write poetry. But one thing all humans were born to do, by nature, is simply to be aware, fully aware. In that sense HSCs are superb humans. Being superb at what they do best by nature provides them with this highest form of happiness, even when, in their case, it may also bring a greater awareness of suffering and loss, even death. You will be part of their working through the consequences of this awareness, which means your life, too, will be deepened.
As we will discuss in the next chapter, parenting an HSC is one of life’s greatest and happiest challenges. You make more of a difference with such a child, and so the rewards are greater, as are the issues to be addressed. If being a parent makes you happy, then using Aristotle’s argument, a child who asks more of you as a parent should be a source of greater joy.
APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
Appreciating Your Own Child
Now that you are familiar with the trait of sensitivity, its flavors, the other temperament traits, and are rid of some misunderstandings about HSCs, you are in a very good position to take a fresh look at your child. Fill out the following assessment. You might want to do it alone, with your child’s other parent, or with your child’s teacher or regular caregiver (or you can each do it and compare).
I. Types of sensitivity (check off each kind that applies):
__ Physical, low threshold—for example:
Sensitive to fabrics, rough socks, tags in clothes.
Notices low sounds, subtle scents.
__ Physical, intensity—for example:
Reacts more to pain than other children.
Bothered by loud noise.
__ Physical, complexity—for example:
Does not like crowds or bustling places.
Does not like foods mixed or complex seasonings.
__ Emotional, low threshold—for example:
Picks up on the moods of others.
Good with animals, babies, bodies, plants (beings that cannot talk).
__ Emotional complexity—for example:
Has interesting insights about what is going on with people.
Has complex, vivid dreams.
__ Emotional, intensity—for example:
Cries easily.
Deeply upset by another’s suffering.
__ Novelty, low threshold—for example:
Notices small changes in room or your clothing.
Prefers little or only gradual changes.
__ Novelty, complexity—for example:
Does not need or like many new things happening.
Dreads a major change such as moving to a new town.
__ Novelty, intensity—for example:
Does not like surprises, being startled, sudden changes.
Hesitant in all new environments.
__ Social novelty, low threshold—for example:
Slow to warm up again with someone she has not seen for a while.
Notices small changes in people after not seeing them for a while.
_ Social novelty, complexity—for example:
The more unusual or unknown the person, the more hesitant.
Does not like to be in large groups when some are strangers.
__ Social novelty, intensity—for example:
Does not like to be the center of attention among strangers.
Does not like meeting a lot of new people at once.
Does not like to be questioned by a stranger.
Next, rate your child on the seven traits from Thomas and Chess (leaving out “sensory threshold” because it is the same as sensitivity and you have already measured that in a better way, and leaving out “predominate mood” for the reasons given earlier in the chapter). You can look back at pages 22–24 if you have forgotten to what these traits refer.
1 Activity or energy level: Low Medium High
2 Intensity of emotional response: Low Medium High
3 Rhythmicity: Low Medium High
4 Adaptability: Low Medium High
5 Initial reaction: Approaches Variable Draws back
6 Persistence (attention span): Low Medium High
7 Distractibility (easily shifts attention to a new stimuli): Low Medium High
Now, check off what you regard as your child’s other strengths:
Artistic ability
Scientific ability
Skill at mental games
Athletic ability
Patience
Empathy
Conscientiousness
Great sense of humor
Spiritual interests
Intelligence
Kindness
Concern for social justice
Others _______________________________________________________
Your child’s problem areas (in your opinion). Some examples might be:
Trouble with coordination or playing sports
Shyness, often afraid of being rejected
Negative mood or behavior
Stubbornness
Rudeness, selfishness, lack of consideration
“Too good”
Not able to make “small talk”
Spends too much time at computer or ____________
Anger
Too noisy, boisterous
Rejected by others for being aggressive
Rejected by others for being too passive
Slow learner
Learning disability
Attention deficit disorder
Others _______________________________________________________
Would the above problem areas be a problem for any parent, or are they things that particularly bother you? (Could you imagine this problem being “no problem” in another family?)
Major events can shape your child’s life; beside each that applies, write what you think has been the effect:
Move
Divorce
Illness
Death in family
Death of a close friend, including beloved pet
Illness in family, mental or physical
Past abuse, physical or sexual
Persistent poverty
Prejudice
Unusual successes, awards, accomplishments
Public notice
Acquiring a very close friend
A special mentor (including a close grandparent, teacher, etc.)
Trips or other experiences that made a lasting impression
Lessons (musical, athletics, etc.)
Consistent activities—soccer, Scouts, etc.
Unusual living environment (big city, inner city, country, a farm, etc.)
Religious training
Cultural resources (gets to see many plays, is taken to concerts, scientists or writers often visiting family)
Others ___________________________________________________________
Now, write a page or two about your child, based on the above—a kind of summary, as if you were explaining him to someone.
Begin with his sensitivity, then the other temperament traits he has.
List all of your child’s strengths.
Then mention the problems, in your opinion.
How are these problems affected by your view of them (would someone else find them “no problem”)?
Write something about how these strengths and weaknesses have been increased or decreased by your child’s history.
Finally, looking back at your child’s sensitivity, how has it contributed to your child’s strengths?
How has it contributed to the problems?
How has it contributed to your child overcoming her problem areas?
How has your child’s sensitivity been interwoven with her major life experiences? Did it increase their impact in some cases? Decrease it in some cases?
Go back and underline what you have learned that you did not know before. How do you think this will change how you treat your child?
Keep these pages—you may find a time when it would be useful to give them to a teacher, long-term caregiver, doctor, or interested family member.
Chapter Two
Fasten Your Seat Belts
The Challenges of Raising an Exceptional Child
In this chapter you learn why skilled parenting helps HSCs even more than other children, and why the skills are different with HSCs. We discuss the six qualities of HSCs that present the greatest challenges, and you will begin to learn how to respond effectively when they arise. We will also take note of all the joys that come with raising an HSC.
In the last chapter I mentioned Maria, a “typical” HSC who graduated summa cum laude from Harvard. But it did not happen without skilled parenting.
Maria’s parents did not have all the advantages that you might imagine come with the family of a Harvard graduate. Estelle, Maria’s mother, has had a difficult life, starting with her own childhood. She was an HSC in a troubled family that made her the scapegoat because she was different from the rest of them. As she expressed it, “At least I knew what hurts a sensitive child.”
When Maria was born, Estelle and her young husband were living below the poverty line and neither family was helpful. Indeed, Estelle felt she had to protect her new baby from the meddlers and disturbed people in both families. Her intuition was apparently right—one of Maria’s grandfathers was later convicted of child molesting. These were not easy circumstances in which to raise a child, much less an HSC.
As soon as Estelle realized that Maria was as sensitive as she had been (“I knew it at two weeks—she could maintain solid eye contact as I walked around the room”), she decided to stay home and give full attention to her daughter during the formative years. She learned all that she could about parenting, but adapted it to fit the different kind of child she knew she had—one like herself. She automatically cut the labels out of clothing. She had always preferred simple foods, so food was never a problem between them. In raising Maria, Estelle applied the understanding of both parenting and sensitivity that she wished her parents had had.
For example, Estelle rarely pushed Maria into new experiences the way some parenting books urged. But there were important exceptions, when Estelle knew Maria would be all right and was too young to know for herself what she could reasonably do and enjoy. In one instance, as a teenager, Maria was invited by family friends to go to Sweden. Maria did not want to go. Her mother insisted. Ten days into the trip, Maria called from Stockholm to say how grateful she was to her mother for forcing her to go.
Mostly, however, Estelle defended her daughter’s right to say no because of her sensitivity. In elementary school her class was obliged to watch a movie about animals being butchered. Deeply upset, Maria walked out—to her teacher’s consternation. Estelle told her she was right—she did not have to watch anything that distressed her that much. The incident and others like it led Estelle eventually to place Maria in a private school. There she blossomed, became her school’s valedictorian, and was encouraged to apply to Harvard.
Estelle always placed great emphasis on promoting Maria’s self-esteem. In high school Maria grew and grew, to over six feet—yet another characteristic that made her feel different. But although Maria was “shy,” the combination of self-esteem and sensitivity made her a natural leader. Starting even in kindergarten, kids listened to her, copied her ideas. She was cautious with new people but wanted to play with other children and did, with no obvious problems. According to her mother, she just played with fewer children than most kids did. It also seemed to Estelle that there was always a “sensitivity gap” between her daughter and other children. They were not as considerate or as aware as Maria.
Today, as a young adult, Maria’s life is not completely easy. She still wishes she was not so sensitive or tall. She is twenty-seven and still not in a “permanent relationship.” According to her mother, “she always finds something wrong with a man.” That sounds like the “sensitivity gap” she felt in childhood, coupled with the ability of highly sensitive people to spot the flaws in a close other, especially one who is not as sensitive. Maria has changed residences several times since she left college, trying to find a quiet enough place to live. But she is successful in her profession and travels to foreign countries without hesitation—that trip to Sweden she resisted was only the first of many. She is healthy and confident about her future. She is an HSC who has grown up wonderfully, thanks to responsive, sensitive parenting.
WITH AN HSC, YOU MAKE A BIGGER DIFFERENCE
Every now and then someone is on the talk-show circuits arguing that genetics determine everything and parenting does not matter. Yes, at one time there was probably too much emphasis on the role of parenting, especially mothering, in shaping a child’s personality. No one even considered the role of inherited temperament. So a balance was certainly needed.
Ironically enough, however, the research is now clear that parenting does matter, and much more, in raising children like HSCs, whose temperaments are at the extreme end of normal. And in studies done with monkeys, “reactive” (sensitive) monkeys randomly assigned at birth to be raised by especially calm mothers (studies we cannot do with humans) turned out to be far more resilient adults, even troop leaders, compared to those raised by nervous mothers. Reactive monkeys who were randomly assigned to be subjected to separations from their mothers, on the other hand, were far more affected in adulthood by this trauma than less reactive monkeys.
Most HSCs do not have to deal with being totally separated from their caregiver, but research finds that they are more likely to be affected by caregivers who are mentally absent—due to stress or depression, perhaps—or who would just as soon not be there, or who may be overly afraid themselves about losing a close other. For example, Megan Gunnar and her colleagues at the University of Minnesota found that highly sensitive nine-month-olds left for a half hour with an attentive baby-sitter “playmate” were far less distressed physiologically during this separation from their mothers than they were when they were left with an inattentive caregiver. An attentive caregiver was almost as good as having mom present, but an inattentive one made the separation more stressful for HSCs than non-HSCs.
In another study, focusing on the general security or insecurity of the bond with the mother, these same researchers found that highly sensitive eighteen-month-olds who were generally insecure with their mothers (I will discuss this more in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo)) had distressed bodily reactions in new situations, while secure HSCs were not affected. Non-HSCs were also not distressed by new situations, of course—whether their relationship with their mother was secure or not. That is, only the insecure HSCs’ were deeply distressed in new situations. Several more studies have found the same general results.
The conclusion? “A history of responsive, sensitive caregiving … provided the securely attached infant with the resources to reduce activation of the [bodily distress] system, even though the child’s temperament might bias him or her to experience novel events as ‘potentially’ threatening.” In other words, when sensitive toddlers are in the stressful situation of being separated from their mothers, they are all right if left with a caring person and not all right if left with an inattentive person. If they are in an unfamiliar situation that is particularly stressful for them, they are more affected by an insecure attachment to their mothers. They are very affected by the sense they will receive help if they need it. Not only do HSCs need to perceive support in such situations because they are more aware of the dangers, but they are also probably more aware of the degree of support and caring of their mothers and other caregivers.
GOODNESS OF FIT—EACH CHILD EXPERIENCES A DIFFERENT FAMILY, A DIFFERENT FIT
Interestingly, researchers find that whatever a family does do to influence a child’s personality, it affects each child differently, as if each is growing up in a completely different family. Some of this is due to the parents being in a different situation when each child is born, and some of it is that each child is different so parents respond differently, or conversely, the same parenting methods may affect two children quite differently, depending on their temperaments. Probably most parents are not “good” or “bad” so much as they are specialists, naturally working well with some temperaments more than others.
The implication is that if you have more than one child, one may thrive in your care, another may not do as well. But research also finds that a little understanding and training can affect that greatly—“goodness of fit” matters more than parent and child having the same temperament. A good fit is a family and school environment that supports and encourages a child’s natural way of behaving. In one family, a quiet artist who does not like sports will be considered ideal. In another, this child will be a huge disappointment. But there is always a good fit when parents accept their children for who they are, then adapt their methods to suit the child. Studies in which parents are trained to understand their child’s temperament consistently find that the children of these parents have far fewer problems.
One way to describe this book is to say it is essentially about what you can do to create a good fit between you and your child. Since each of you are individuals, this book will sometimes miss something important about one or both of you. That is why I am saying right here that it is smart to have a top-notch temperament counselor or therapist aware of temperament to whom you can turn while raising your HSC. That way you do not have to go looking for someone when you feel you’re in a crisis. You have a professional to help you with your taxes or when buying a house. Why not with parenting?
This book can, however, take you a long way with your HSC, because there is so much that HSCs have in common that most “child experts” do not know. We will begin with one of the big ones: To create a “good fit” you must learn to appreciate your child’s excruciating sensitivity to you, the One in Charge. Fortunately, although I did not know it, I had been forced to appreciate this reality even before I had my own HSC.
The Beagle and the Border Collie
As I said in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), the fact that there are different breeds of dogs is a good way to understand that there can be different “breeds” of children, too. We know some dog breeds are well suited for some owners, but not for others—that’s why there are so many. But the owners can also learn to adapt to the temperaments of their dog. If they learn in time.
When I was young, my parents bought me a beagle I promptly named Star. If you know beagles, they are generally tough little dogs with a nose that takes them exploring everywhere, at which times they could care less about you or anything else but The Scent. I suppose they are sensitive in their noses, but nowhere else. When Star was about a year old, my mother and I became involved in obedience training and eventually she, then I, tried to show Star in dog shows. In the show ring she was an angel while on a leash, but once off it, she was out of there, running sometimes for blocks, following the aroma of her Holy Grail. Later we bought poodles to train and show—they were perfect for obedience shows, but they were high-strung performers, terribly nervous and demanding of attention.
After I left home and married, I wanted another dog and another breed. I did not know why (not knowing yet that I was highly sensitive or that dogs could vary on this trait), but I had always admired border collies—those black-and-white dogs that herd sheep. I was sure they would be perfect for showing in obedience-training shows. So I bought one, and soon had a devoted, intelligent companion.
This dog, Sam, seemed able to read my mind. Housebreaking was easy—I just took her outside while she was “making her first mistake,” and she never made another. She only tore up one object while teething—I was home later than usual one evening and I found bits of an old paperback for a psychophysiology course, appropriately titled Animal Emotions, all over the floor. Had she learned to read?
When Sam was nine months old I put on a choke collar and took her out for her first obedience lesson, learning to sit. I gave her backside a smart slap (I had been taught that a push would cause the dog to resist and push back), jerked the collar to bring her head up and get her attention, and said “sit.” She collapsed on the ground, quivering. Since that was the wrong response, I got her to her feet and repeated the standard way to train a dog to sit—spank, jerk, order. She crouched lower to the ground, shook more, her eyes pleading with me, “Why? What have I done?”
I knew enough to stop and think it over. But the next day I tried the same method. I knew that once she did it right I could praise her and she would understand that better. But first she had to sit properly.
By the time I figured out that a gentle pressure and kind word would do it, I had almost ruined her. In fact, she never got over shaking and crouching when I brought out that collar. She learned to sit, stay, heel, and much more, once I got it that all she needed was to understand what I wanted: Wait here, go rest in the corner, meet me here later, fetch it, carry it, herd away the cows, gather up the puppies, keep the baby in the yard. Often she knew what was needed before I did—like bringing my husband and me together when we had lost each other in the woods at night, or driving off a burglar. (The joke in my family growing up was that Star the beagle would have gone off with any burglar with a hot dog in his pocket.)
It was natural for Sam to know what was needed and to care enough about us to do it because she was so sensitive. As for the dog shows, we never went to any—something about her made me not want to take advantage of her goodwill by making her a public spectacle.
I doubt that any method would have made Star the beagle consistently obedient when her leash was off, but the usual methods worked well enough to teach her what I wanted. Sam needed much more specialized skills and thoughtfulness on my part. That is how it is when an animal or child can almost read your mind and be quite overwhelmed by a harsh word from you, the beloved authority. I still did not “officially” know about this trait when my son was born. I did not know until he was grown and gone. But Sam had given me a good intuitive introduction.
Not Knowing How Makes Parenting Anything but Satisfying
I had thought of myself as a very good dog trainer when I started in with Sam, and there was a showcase full of trophies and ribbons to prove it. But Sam humbled me. She also made me feel guilty for causing her so much stress, bewildered as to why the usual methods did not work, depressed about myself for failing, angry with her for being such a wimpy dog, and isolated (if the standard methods did not work, who could I turn to for help?). I obsessed about why she was acting so strangely, and when I redoubled my efforts I only made her worse. At that point, training Sam was not satisfying.
Lack of skill in parenting an HSC can cause the same emotions. You think you are pretty good at parenting, especially if you have some experience with children. Then along comes this child who humbles you. I have heard parents talk about all of it: feeling guilty for their child’s obvious suffering at their hands, public embarrassment about their child’s shyness, fussiness, tears over “nothing,” fears, and so forth. There is the bewilderment. And for some parents there is depression, especially as sleepless nights pile up. There is anger, a sense of inadequacy, isolation from other parents with “normal” children. Some parents feel victimized, trapped, overinvolved. It can affect a marriage, the other children, and a parent’s health. And it is definitely not satisfying.
DIFFICULT VERSUS EASY HSCs
Parenting certain HSCs is also more difficult than parenting others. Some are real “drama queens” and demanding “little princes.” This partly depends on other aspects of their temperament, such as their persistence, flexibility, and emotional intensity, plus the child’s role models and general environment. (If your frustration, or anything else in your life, is making you upset, demanding, or out of control, you can hardly expect your child to be different.)
I also find that parents who are more accepting of the trait and generally available and responsive to their child are the ones, ironically, whose HSCs are more “trouble” when small. This is because their child feels free to express his feelings—to get angry, wildly excited, frustrated, hurt, frightened, and overwhelmed. Once the feelings are out, however, the skilled parent teaches the child how to cope with them.
Parents who are less available and responsive—perhaps they are overwhelmed themselves, or not comfortable with intense emotions—may cause an HSC to hide her feelings in order to be accepted and not cause any trouble. But the child never learns to cope with these bottled-up feelings, and they usually resurface in other ways in adulthood, when it is much harder to fix. So I always worry a bit when parents tell me that their HSC “never caused us any trouble at all.”
The Vicious Cycle
With those of you who are trying so hard, only to find that your child is still not happy, outgoing, and “normal,” I often see a vicious cycle: You worry, you try harder to shape your child to meet your expectations, your child does not behave the way you want (because he cannot), so you worry more, try harder, and so forth. Both you and he feel like failures. So we return to the first advice in this book: Realize that your child’s unusual behaviors are not your fault and not your child’s fault. HSCs are not being difficult on purpose!
This cycle is more common with nonsensitive parents of an HSC—a situation thoroughly discussed in the next chapter. But even highly sensitive parents can be unsure how to cope with an HSC and desperately wish their child was different.
Mitchell’s Mother Finally “Gets Out of Her Own Way”
Mitchell’s mother did not realize that she and her son were both highly sensitive. Sharon had been raised in a pretty tough, not very sensitive family. She did not remember consciously adapting to them. She just did.
But she was very sensitive to her new baby, Mitchell. She loved to sing, and she could not miss the signs that her baby did not like to be sung to. When he was older, he did not like to sing either—at least not in the children’s choir in which she had planned to see him shine. Sharon was equally frustrated when he would not wear a costume at Halloween and still needed a pacifier at four. And she was sad that “he couldn’t initiate—I saw him as always the follower, the imitator, never the leader.”
Then a speaker came to Mitchell’s preschool and talked about sensitive children. “Suddenly,” Sharon said, “the light went on.” She went on to tell me how much she wishes she had understood sooner and “gotten out of my own way and stopped judging my parenting. Deep down I had known what to do. But I was not doing it and was blaming myself for the results, especially when the rest of the family thought there was something wrong with what I was doing. Now all that is over. I mold myself to fit his behavior. I let him tell me what he needs.
“And he has so many wonderful qualities, too—his sweetness and gentleness. So if he doesn’t want to run off and do a skit at our family reunion, now it’s not a big deal to me. It’s almost a pleasure to say, ‘No, he doesn’t want to do it.’ It feels good to understand so well when others don’t.”
THE SIX MOST COMMON PROBLEMS
So let’s get to work by discussing six facets of your child’s high sensitivity and how each, although neutral in itself, can cause certain problems for you as a parent until you have the right skills. You will also begin to learn some of those skills in this chapter.
1. Awareness of Subtleties
What a wonderful quality in some situations: your daughter notices your every loving glance and returns it, can tell you when her little brother is hungry before you ever thought about a feeding, and functions like a living smoke alarm, letting everyone know if there is a bit of smoke anywhere, even from the next-door neighbor’s chimney. In other situations, what a pain. In particular, HSCs notice when the smallest thing is not to their liking. “There’s some skin left on this apple—you know I hate skin.” “This room stinks” (you cannot smell a thing unusual). “You moved my computer, didn’t you?” “Yes, that’s the flavor I like, but the wrong brand—this kind tastes chalky.”
Not all HSCs notice subtleties. There are a few who seem fairly oblivious, being more preoccupied with their inner world. Or they may be bothered more by intensity—loud noise, bright lights, or spicy foods—and less by subtle stuff. Or they may only notice subtleties in one area—just food or clothing or social nuances. But with an HSC, it’s bound to come up somewhere.
Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) will focus on coping with the problems that arise with this quality of HSCs. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:
Believe your child. When your child says it hurts, rubs, or stings, it does, even if the same thing doesn’t bother you.
With little HSCs, keep them fed and rested—they will be less irritable and better able to wait for you to relieve a discomfort.
When HSCs are old enough to understand you, first acknowledge your child’s discomfort, then let him know when and how it will end or that you simply cannot do anything about it if that is truly the case. If you have first conveyed sincere respect for your child’s response and sympathy for his desperate need, and your own valid reason to delay or do nothing—you have to finish the shopping, get to the car where there are dry clothes, use up this brand because you cannot afford to waste it—he will grow in the ability to understand that and wait.
Put limits on what you can be expected to do. Some children find their shoelaces uncomfortable, but even if you tie them fourteen times they will still feel all wrong, possibly because your child is so focused on this sensation and frustrated. Discuss it when you are not tying shoes—that you will try five times, trying to follow her instructions. The fifth time will have to suffice because you’ve become frustrated, too, or do not have the time to continue.
Stick to your standards of politeness and good public behavior, but remember emotions are sometimes irrational and overwhelming, even for adults. If your child is losing all control over what seems like a “small matter,” solve the situation for now as best you can, or if you cannot, let your HSC cry or scream while you simply hold her (if young) or stay with her and sympathize. When things are calm, perhaps the next day, the two of you can discuss what needs to be done so that she will behave better the next time.
When possible, put your child in charge of the solution. A parent with a son who is fussy about socks has him choose the ones that will not bother him. If there are none, it is not mom or dad’s fault.
2. Being Easily Overstimulated and Overaroused
As I said in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), a child who notices subtleties will also become overwhelmed when too much is coming at once. (The “too much” can come from outside, but also from inside, as when a child imagines something very frightening or exciting.)
The more stimulation, the more the body becomes aroused to deal with it. Every animal and human seeks just the right level of arousal—it’s as automatic as breathing. Too little and we are bored, restless. We put on the radio or call a friend. Too much and we are uncomfortable, rattled. We try to calm down, but if we can’t, we perform poorly at whatever task we are doing—hitting a ball, solving a math problem, thinking of things to say in a conversation. HSCs become overaroused more easily. That means your daughter may be perfectly able to catch a softball when the two of you play catch at home, but in a game she drops the ball as often as she catches it. She starts to hate playing, she cries during games, yet she wants to play and you want her to. You think, why so much drama around a simple game of ball? Do you make her play or let her quit?
First, understand that HSCs will have areas in which overarousal causes great difficulty. These are usually activities in which, early on, they have had a failure or imagined they would have one. The next time they try they are more aroused and anxious rather than more relaxed, so they do even worse. But performance anxiety is not always the culprit—they can be eager to perform and confident and still be overaroused by the lights and the crowd.
Can we ever see this proneness to overarousal as a good thing? Overarousal itself is never helpful, but needing so little to reach a comfortable level has its uses. HSCs are usually less easily bored, for example. And they are more caring, involved performers in situations when others might not make an effort.
Are there HSCs who do not become easily overaroused? Most have some areas in which they are so at ease that they can function smoothly even under great pressure or conditions of high stimulation. But in other areas, the overarousal usually appears. Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) will help with dealing with overarousal in general, and Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) will help when it leads to shyness in social situations. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:
• See that your child has an area of competence—a sport, form of art or self-expression, academic subject, magic show, comedy routine, experiences of chatting with interested adults, or leading other kids in a fantasy game. Choose something he is interested in and start slowly, seeing that at first every attempt meets with success.
With my son this worked with drama and writing. When I enrolled him in an acting class at age eight, I actually asked the teacher to praise him—he had had so many failures in sports. He came out of his first class beaming: “She says I’m a born actor!” He never missed a class after that.
With writing, I made a point of seeing that he never handed in a paper that was not typed and well done. The good grades and praise made him love it.
• See that your child is so overrehearsed and so skilled that nothing will faze her. Practice in the same circumstances and setting as she will actually be performing the skill. Go to the baseball diamond to practice. And once your child is prepared for the arithmetic test, give him some problems to do with a time limit and that you will grade afterward. Never let an HSC go into a test or performance underprepared.
• Talk about things that can go wrong and how to handle them. Talk about mistakes and how to understand them. It is the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and your child strikes out. Discuss ahead of time that this is bound to happen at least once in every baseball career. What can your child say to herself and to others to make it bearable? (Does that seem like planting the expectation to fail? Usually, your child will have already imagined failure; you are planting the seed of coping.)
• Explain the effect of overarousal on performance and comfort. Explain that he has the skill, but nervousness (or noise, a new setting, an audience, or other overstimulation) can sometimes interfere. Tell your child this story: I knew a woman who could break world records in her sport at small contests, but could never do it at the Olympic trials. She and I had to conclude that the Olympics did not identify the best athletes, but the best athletes under conditions of very high stimulation.
• See that some of your child’s competencies are not ones that can be much affected by pressure—for example, artwork, skilled care for a pet or plants, and physical activities like long-distance running or hiking in which one meets personal goals.
• Help your child enjoy a variety of activities at a noncompetitive level—singing with you in the car or doing a play for a supportive family audience. She does not have to try out for choir or join the drama club to enjoy these. If a talent does appear, you can always encourage it, but “being a pro” is less important than enjoying.
3. Deep Inner Reactions
Although reactions subside once an HSC is familiar with a situation, during the initial processing, reactions can spiral higher. As I said in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe), because HSCs process everything more fully, they also have stronger emotional reactions. The more that a new emotional situation is experienced and its full implications and consequences imagined, the more impact it will have. That means more happiness, joy, satisfaction, contentment, and ecstasy. And more miserable feelings, too.
These intense reactions do not require a fully developed, conscious mind. They start in infancy and are present in small children, even if they cannot talk about them. Older children, who can talk about feelings, still may not be conscious of them—we all repress feelings if they seem unacceptable. These repressed feelings show up as physical symptoms or inexplicable, displaced emotions. The classic example, seen frequently by child therapists, is a child who claims to be delighted with a new little brother or sister, a reaction that the parents of course brag about to everyone. But the child is now terrified, maybe, of being eaten by dogs or using the toilet or pictures of monkeys. These weird fears go away when a wise parent or therapist gets the child to play games like the big dog eating the baby dog, followed perhaps by an honest discussion of all the different, normal feelings people have, including anger, and some of the feelings a new brother or sister can create. Some feelings we only talk about—we do not do what they make us feel like doing—but they are still okay to have.
Even when the emotions are not worrisome, like hating one’s baby sister, HSCs may not show their tumultuous inner life to the rest of the world. The introverts—70 percent of HSCs—will often keep it all inside. The intense and extroverted HSCs will express themselves more.
HSCs are often even more distressed than other children by unfairness, conflict, or suffering; for example, they may be deeply sad about the loss of the rain forests, racial injustice, or the mistreatment of animals. They tend to foresee dire consequences. They are usually quite disturbed at seeing other children teased. They lose their appetites if their parents have a fight. It is all typical stuff for children, except stronger.
Are there exceptions? Always. Some HSCs are able to develop strong self-regulation of their own emotions, perhaps even too strong. How much feeling to feel is a question all people face (although some have less choice), and the answer is often decided by culture and the family style, and particularly by what parents teach a child about emotional expression. Usually nothing needs to be said to teach an HSC to control her emotions. She senses what is wanted. For example, parents who are embarrassed or afraid of the strength of their own feelings or the feelings of their child will convey by their avoidance of emotions that feelings are best kept unexpressed. On the other hand, if an HSC lives with parents who often lose control emotionally and he has inherently strong emotional self-regulation abilities, he may decide total control is preferable to the chaos created by his parents.
We will talk more about handling strong emotions in Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo), but here are some general suggestions:
Think about how you handle emotions and how you want your child to handle them. Think about each emotion: sadness, fear, love, happiness, anger, and curious excitement. Which ones were not allowed when you were growing up? Are you teaching the same lessons to your child?
Read up on “emotional intelligence.” Mary Kurcinka’s Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles is excellent for helping parents become sound emotional coaches for their children. Her book has whole lists of tips for the parents of any sort of child: For example, listen to the emotions first rather than lecture about the behaviors, teach your child what soothes and calms her, and get to know your child’s emotional cues so you can help her recognize her feelings.
Talk to your HSC about emotions. These children in particular need to be able to name what they are feeling and what might have caused it so that they can feel more in control over the inner tumult. Talk about how you have handled similar feelings.
Strive to “contain” your child’s negative emotions until your HSC can do it for herself. Ideally, you go off to a quiet place and let the child fully express the feelings while you remain calm and non-defensive. Your attitude should be “tell me more, tell me all about it, and what else, and what else.…” This full expression will allow both of you to later get at what was the real cause, and meanwhile your child can feel all that is happening inside without having to endure it alone. You will hold it with her until, with years and experience, she can hold it alone. We will consider this containing task more in Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo).
Be attuned to positive emotions, too, matching their tone. You want to respond to negative emotions with attention and respect, but do respond to positive feelings equally. Do not squash your HSC’s enthusiasms and happy moods with comments like “If you’re so happy, this is a great day to clean your room.”
Be aware of how being overstimulated and overaroused can increase all emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. A mood often passes with a good night’s sleep, while staying up and trying to talk it away can only add to the overstimulation. Always try, “Shall we sleep on it?”
If any powerful emotion lasts for several days, you may want to seek some help. This includes depression, anxiety, anger, and also happy but sleepless “hyper” states. You do not have to take your child to a psychologist—that may be quite distressing in itself. You might start with you and a professional trying to figure it out without your child around. And the goal should be understanding what caused these lasting feelings, not merely medicating them away. Medication should be a last (but invaluable) resort.
4. Awareness of Others’ Feelings
Given that humans are social animals, if you combine an awareness of subtleties and an intense emotional life, you have a person who tends to be highly aware of others’ feelings. What a wonderful attribute, making your HSC empathic, an intuitive leader (not to mention salesperson), skilled in knowing how to nurture just about anything, and having a good sense of when a close relationship needs attention.
Again, this awareness begins in infancy. All infants are highly aware of their caregiver’s feelings—their survival depends on it. When psychologists emphasize the importance of early mothering and the security of the bond between mother and child, it is not to make mothers feel guilty. It is simply a reality due to our being primates. And for better or worse, HSCs are going to be exquisitely attuned to those who take care of them. And since 40 percent of parents did not experience a secure attachment in childhood themselves, it is important for those of you with that sort of history to learn to send secure messages to your own child. We will discuss that more in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo).
For older HSCs, one of the biggest problems is that they can be aware of another’s feelings even when the other person is not. People often deny their fear or anger to be polite or avoid embarrassment, and may do so even to the point of being honestly unaware of it. “Of course I’m not annoyed” or “I’m not even slightly afraid.” But the HSC may pick up on subtle signs, even the scent caused by the emotion in the other’s body. Then your child must deal with knowing about the other’s feelings without seeming to know, while getting a different message in words. I know one sensitive woman who in childhood confronted her best friend several times about how envious and competitive they were with each other. Her friend always denied it—until adulthood. But all through childhood, the woman had to wonder if she was crazy and making it all up.
It will help your child enormously if you can identify and be honest about your own feelings.
Similarly, people will say to a “shy” HSC, “Don’t be so worried about what other people think; they aren’t even noticing you!” That is hard for the HSC to believe when he is noticing everything about everyone else, including how much others truly are subtly comparing themselves to each other. But, if you raise your HSC to feel confident—which you will learn to do in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo)—he will notice others watching but assume they are pleased or accept that it does not matter.
As for empathy, when HSCs are overwhelmed, they can become temporarily quite unaware of other’s needs. But if your child is chronically insensitive to others or remote, something is wrong that is not simply overarousal.
As a result of all this awareness of others, an HSC may decide to put the needs of others first to spare them (and the HSC) emotional pain. This is usually not conscious, and the compliance may only happen with some people. With others, yourself for example, your HSC may be quite feisty, outspoken, and demanding. But when your child seems to be choosing to be a doormat, it is probably because she finds it easier than feeling the other’s pain or burning need, or the threat of the other’s anger or judgment. What can you do about making this awareness of others’ feelings an asset for your child? We will discuss this more in later chapters, but here are some basic tips.
Be aware of how you handle your own awareness of others’ feelings. If you feel nothing or show no reaction to another’s suffering, your child will be left alone with his reaction plus have less respect for you. If you deny the problem of worrying about what others think of you, your child will feel flawed for still having this concern. So think these issues through for yourself and discuss with your HSC how you resolve them. For example, if you and your child hear of some catastrophe in which many people have suffered, a child with religious instruction will want to know why God allowed all those people to suffer and what is a child’s duty toward the victims? One of the joys (and trials) of having children, especially an HSC, is being forced to confront the big questions in life.
Teach your child what can be done, like sitting down together at the “season of giving” at the end of the year and choosing which charities and causes your family will contribute to. And discuss what is not helpful, like feeling bad all the time about others’ suffering. You do all you can, then move on. Regarding being aware of others’ judgments, I like the “fifty-fifty rule”—you can always expect 50 percent of people will like what you do, 50 percent will not. So you may as well do what you think is best. You cannot please them all.
Look at how you balance the needs of others around you with your own needs. Consider your own ability to say “no” to others or to disregard their opinion when it feels wrong. Your child will imitate you.
Teach your child that he has a right to say no or ignore another’s opinion. In particular, a person who is burned out from helping others or trying to please them is no use to anyone. We each do our part, but we cannot do it all or lose sleep over it. As one Christian writer pointed out, Jesus knew he could heal every person in Judea, but as far as we know he slept okay at night without having done so.
Be careful about sharing too many of your own troubles or judgments of others with your child. HSCs can become wonderful friends, confidants, and counselors, especially for parents without another close, understanding other. But this is too much for even the wisest child to handle. Your HSC is still learning to cope with an overwhelming world and needs to gain strength from you before she can handle the job of supporting a troubled adult. And when HSCs hear you judging others, they will be even more convinced that this is a common human behavior.
To promote your child’s sense of his own needs and wishes, insist that he make choices whenever that is possible. I will emphasize this often. Even if your child is slow at it or you think you know what he would choose, ask. “Do you want crackers or bread?” “Would you rather invite Jan here or see if you can go to Jan’s house?” If his needs conflict with another’s, displeases someone, or anyone says his choice is stupid or in poor taste, tell your child that it is correct to briefly and politely consider advice that sounds sensible and is said with good intentions, but that he has a right to his own needs and opinions and to learn from his own experience.
See that everyone’s wishes in your family are heard and respected equally when that is possible—that is, practice equal and reciprocal empathy, rather than the HSC being the one who complies more. One parent with two HSCs alternates “ruler for the day” rights. When Janie is ruler, she can ride in the front seat, answer the phone (or not), get the first serving of dessert, hold the dog’s leash, or whatever the privilege is that one of the two children might enjoy. On the next day, Gareth gets to choose. On their day, they know and act on what they want, not having to think of the other. For an HSC, that can be a huge relief and important experience.
In our family, we can be considerate of each other to a fault. I used to say that I would love to have a day pass without hearing one of the three of us say “I’m so sorry.” At times it seemed as though we were apologizing for breathing each other’s air. Perhaps that is why we had a tradition that on a birthday we would all go to the grocery store and the one with the birthday could choose any special food he or she wanted for the family dinner. There was something about doing this with the others present that I think helped to override that sense of guilt about having one’s own way.
5. Caution Before Proceeding in New, Possibly Dangerous Situations
Because sensitive children see so much in every situation, they will have some new aspects to notice even in a familiar one. Imagine two children coming into the kitchen in the morning. To the non-HSC, it’s just like every other morning. The HSC, however, notices father’s coat is gone so he has left early; mother is in a strange mood; there’s a paper bag behind the door as if someone tried to hide it fast; a smell of burnt toast; a broken dish in the trash. Did they have another fight? Or maybe they’re distracted, getting ready for my birthday tomorrow?
Given this sensitivity to even familiar situations, an entirely new situation has to be well processed before an HSC enters it. That is just how it is. This can be frustrating for nonsensitive parents especially, for whom a surprise party is just a party, or the ocean is just the ocean—something kids are supposed to love and dive right into. But their HSC wants to check it out, and if forced to proceed, may protest, not enjoy it, or refuse this “pleasure” altogether.
Yet this is a quality of HSCs that parents can easily appreciate, too. HSCs are not as likely to fall from trees, get lost, be hit by a car, try smoking, or be abducted or misused by a disturbed adult. You warned them of the dangers and they check every unfamiliar situation to see if those dangers are present. It is even better with teenagers. They are better drivers (or will not drive—my son did not wish to take on that huge responsibility until he was twenty-seven). They are cautious about drugs, sex, breaking the law, and who they hang around with.
But you also do not want your child to miss out on interesting new experiences, as when Maria, the HSC described at the beginning of this chapter, was invited as a teenager to travel to Sweden. She insisted that she would not go, but her mother insisted that she would; later, a happy call from Stockholm proved her mother correct.
There are times, of course, when HSCs are not so cautious in new situations. In Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe) you learned about the pause-to-check and go-for-it systems in every brain. All HSCs are strong in the first, but the two systems are independent, so some HSCs are high on both. They are careful, but also adventuresome. In that chapter I described Ann, who rides motorcycles and jumps out of airplanes, but only her parents know how much she has studied the safety considerations and how much down time she needs to recover. You also met Chuck, who climbs trees like a monkey and loves to ski. But only his mother knows he has never broken a bone because he has checked out every unfamiliar branch and slope. Since the culture admires and encourages adventuresomeness, often only the parents know their child’s secret, cautious side.
We will talk more about the problems associated with pausing before proceeding and how to deal with them in Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) and Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo). But for now, here are some overall recommendations.
Remember the advantages of your child’s caution—this will help you not be disappointed when it seems “uncool.”
See it from your child’s viewpoint. You have been in this situation many times, but he has not. You no longer notice the cliff beside the road or the shadows on the path. And there may be fewer risks for you. These are not your future playmates; you are bigger so dogs and waves and cars look smaller; you are used to heavy jet planes staying in the air.
Point out what is familiar or what resembles past situations that your child has mastered. “The family reunion will be a lot like Grandma Mae’s birthday party.” “The ocean is just a huge bathtub and the waves are like the kind you make when you move around in your bath.” “There’s Sue—you met her last week at Nancy’s party.”
Take it one step at a time. See Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) for these steps. Keep each step small and easy so your child can hardly protest and will definitely succeed and look good. “You don’t have to talk to anybody if you don’t want to. Just come and watch. You can be busy with your Gameboy.” After some watching, you can try saying, “I’ll bet if you walk Tiger over to those swings, someone will ask you what kind of dog he is.”
Provide a retreat (if you can do so without drawing embarrassing attention to your child). “You can go to your room whenever you want to leave the party. Just slip out and I’ll cover for you if anyone asks.” “I’ve told the teacher you may want to go and rest—just tell her.”
Success is the key to your child exploring new situations in the future. Remember, all HSCs have a go-for-it system. They want to explore, as long as the risks do not seem too high. So point out all that they will gain from exploring (without going overboard) while minimizing the risks. “I was so impressed, seeing you out there in the deep end swimming like a fish. To think you couldn’t swim at all last summer. Next week you’ll be starting middle school and changing classes every period. Think of it—if one teacher’s a drag or you don’t like some kid in your class, you aren’t stuck all day. And you get to take those two electives you signed up for. You already know enough about computers and Native Americans to practically teach those classes yourself. I’ll bet it won’t be long before you’re ‘in the swim’ there, too.”
6. Being Different—It Attracts Attention
The sixth challenge when raising an HSC is not due to the trait directly, but the way others view it. Unless your child becomes very good at hiding it, she will be known as someone who feels and notices more, someone who pauses before acting and thinks everything over afterward. And it seems to be a human fact that when we meet someone different, especially a member of a minority group (and sensitive people are in the minority), we immediately decide if they are superior or inferior, if they look up to us or if we should look up to them. This is what any child who seems “different” must face.
As with the other six, there are also advantages in having a child who is different. Remember our motto: To have an exceptional child you have to be willing to have an exceptional child. Some teachers, peers, and relatives will think your child’s differences are marvelous. From these people your child will gain the self-esteem she will need when meeting up with some of the other people, the majority in our culture, who are less impressed with sensitivity.
Indeed, in some cultures it is a social advantage, an honor, to be sensitive. Peoples living close to the earth esteem their highly sensitive herbalists, trackers, and shamans. And a study comparing elementary school children in China and Canada found that being a “sensitive, quiet” child was associated with being popular in China, but with being unpopular in Canada. Perhaps “old” cultures with rich artistic, philosophical, and spiritual traditions such as China and Europe can afford to reward sensitivity more than “new” immigrant cultures such as the United States, Canada, Latin America, and Australia, which have rewarded pioneering “macho” men and “tough” women who gave little thought to the risks in a new land.
If you think about it, cultures that are tough, aggressive, impulsive, and quick to explore are the ones that expand and take over cultures with more peaceful, thoughtful, sensitive values—whether with an army, an aggressive economic style, or the dissemination of its culture. But this may be a story of the tortoise and the hare—the individuals and cultures that value sensitivity may yet be the survivors. Or, more likely, the cultures that succeed will be the ones combining both qualities, that balance impulsivity with a thorough awareness of the long-term consequences of despoiling natural re-sources; exploiting “inferior” groups until they become a burden or take their revenge; not bothering to educate the young; and so forth. A society in which sensitive people have equal respect and power will not make these mistakes. As I’ve said before, the world needs your HSC.
We will discuss in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo) what you can do to empower your HSC and protect her from prejudices about sensitivity, but here are some basic pointers:
Examine your own attitude toward this trait. Research shows that almost everyone who grew up in North America has a subliminal, unconscious prejudice toward persons of color. Those who decide not to behave in a prejudiced way are those who actively override this built-in reaction. Likewise, since you grew up in a culture that thinks “sensitive, quiet” children are not as admirable, you must override this reaction for the sake of your child. And it can be quite real. Research indicates that “shy” sons, in particular, are often their mother’s least favorite child (while “shy” daughters are often encouraged to stay home and be mother’s special friend).
Talk about the trait with your child. Acknowledge the problems it creates but also point out the assets. Some parents fear mentioning that their child is different. I had an European-American friend who adopted an African-American child, and when I sent the child a book about famous African-Americans, my friend returned it to me, telling me that they were not going to tell their child she was different! As if she hadn’t noticed. Ignoring your child’s difference will not work. Your silence will speak louder than words.
Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will overhear you. Having developed some educated and clever responses, you can be almost invincible on this topic, since most people are ill-informed. You will learn how to do this in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo). Your child will use these same responses when alone with others, and also to counter self-criticisms internalized from others when you were not around.
When your child is old enough to understand a bit more about culture and human psychology, explain about the roots and history of people’s reactions to sensitivity—how it is admired in some cultures, and that when it is not, some people, especially men, are so afraid of revealing anything like that in themselves that they become quite peculiar about it. I have been on several talk shows with macho-type hosts who seemed on the verge of nervous breakdowns while discussing this subject with me. They had weird nervous laughter, inappropriate questions, and poor concentration. They were probably reliving the day they fell down and cried and somebody blasted them with “Stop crying and act like a man instead of a mama’s boy!” Maybe you and your child can learn to enjoy these over-the-top reactions to bringing up the subject as much as I do.
Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity. On rare occasions certain people may find your child’s sensitivity in and of itself to be extraordinary. But your child did nothing special to be born sensitive and should not be overly praised for that in itself or allowed to feel superior to others. Treat pity the same way, except that it is even more uncalled for. HSCs are not to be pitied. And even if they were, what counts is what we do with the cards we are dealt.
THE JOYS THAT ONLY PARENTS OF HSCS KNOW
Naturally, a book like this devotes the majority of its pages to identifying and solving problems. But that truly does the HSC an injustice and does not prepare you, the parent, to recognize and revel in all the joys involved. So let’s take a moment to count your blessings.
Even the problems have a bright side. By providing the understanding and help your child needs, you will be deeply appreciated by your HSC. Your child may even promote you to others as a saint among parents. And as you deal successfully with tough issues, in the family and from outside, you and your child can have moments of deep mutual appreciation. You will share electrifying success when you help your HSC master a fear, coming out of it even more confident than another child would. You will feel like comrades when you figure out together how to respond to teasing or prejudiced comments.
Your child will make you more aware of everything, introducing you to beauty, nuances, social subtleties, and questions about life that you would not otherwise stop to consider. Even if you are highly sensitive, your HSC brings a child’s fresh and highly receptive outlook on the world. You will be looking up the answers to all sorts of questions, or looking inside for those that are only answered there.
The two of you will connect in a deeper way. Of course, a connection requires two people—you will have to learn to be receptive to those moments when your child wants to be especially close and also to those times when she needs her separateness.
You will have a child who is aware of you, both the conscious and unconscious parts, which will force you to be more aware of yourself. “Mom, why did you tell that lady you like her when you told me you don’t?” “Dad, you said you’re so tired you could drop, but now you’re sweeping the floor.”
You will see your well-raised HSC grow up capable of amazing depths of feeling and of pleasure from the full range of beauty to be known in the outer and inner worlds. He may even express it in ways that allow others to see the treasures he has brought up from these depths.
You will see your well-raised HSC make an exceptional contribution to the world, whether backstage or front and center. Because sensitive people are such keen observers and thinkers, they are traditionally the inventors, lawmakers, healers, historians, scientists, artists, teachers, counselors, and spiritual leaders. They are the advisers to rulers and warriors, the visionaries and the prophets. In their communities, they are often the opinion leaders, the ones others seek out on how to vote or solve a family problem. They make extraordinary parents and partners. They are compassionate and care deeply about social justice and the environment.
I am sure that you can add points that I have forgotten, that are the special joys you receive from raising your HSC. Quite a list, yes? So keep our motto in mind: To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. And let’s get to work.
Chapter Three
When You the Parent Are Not Highly Sensitive
Blessings in Disguise
This chapter should be read by sensitive as well as non-sensitive parents. You begin by taking a self-test, for high sensitivity in adults (and discuss another important temperament that you and your child may have—high novelty seeking). Then we concentrate on both the advantages and problems you may encounter raising an HSC if you (or your partner or the other adults helping to raise your HSC) are not as sensitive—with plenty of suggestions for handling the problems. (Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo) looks at the advantages and problems to expect if you are highly sensitive.)
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND YOU, MOM AND DAD
Even though high sensitivity is an inherited trait, it is quite possible for one or both parents of an HSC to not be highly sensitive themselves. (Some close relative probably is, and that person and your child probably even have similar physical features.) To find out if you are, take the self-test now at the end of the chapter.
This chapter is important for all parents to read, since even highly sensitive parents will not always be sensitive in the same ways or to the same degree as their child. This chapter will also help you advise the nonsensitive people around your child. And you will definitely want to read it if you are just discovering that you are highly sensitive yourself, since up until now you may have had the perspective of a nonsensitive parent, as Sharon did in the previous chapter.
(Please note: For brevity’s sake I will often say “nonsensitive” rather than “non-highly-sensitive,” but I never mean it as “insensitive.” Rather, I mean it very technically: not having this particular inherited trait.)
A SPECIAL NOTE TO FATHERS
Fathers especially need to read this chapter, whether they are highly sensitive or not, because men in this culture are more likely to have the perspective of a nonsensitive parent. That is because our culture tends to equate being a man with insensitivity—with not noticing subtleties and being able to “take it like a man,” whatever the level of stimulation, stress, or pain, even though just as many men as women are born with this trait. (By the way, if you score only in the medium range on the self-test, you may still be highly sensitive.) In my research, fathers turned out to be unusually important in the adjustment of HSCs, since traditionally they teach children how to manage out in the world.
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND NOVELTY SEEKING
High novelty seeking is the term for the trait created by having a very strong go-for-it system (described in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe)). High novelty seekers often like physical thrills, are bored easily with “the same old people,” and love to explore. (In Thomas and Chess’s terms, they are “highly approaching.”) For example, they’d rather go to a new place than back to one they know they like, and if they’re traveling, the more foreign the foreign country, the better. They often experiment with drugs at some point in their lives and they dislike routines.
As said before, it is possible to be highly sensitive and also high on this trait. But even if you are both, your trait of high novelty seeking will have some effects on you that will make you similar to a nonsensitive parent. The reason is that both high novelty seekers and nonsensitive people will enter into new situations more readily than their HSC, although for different reasons. Novelty seekers will do it because they want the fresh experience; nonsensitive types will simply not be so concerned about pausing to check.
In spite of the similarities, there is one situation where we need to discuss novelty seeking separately. That is when both you and your child are both highly sensitive and high novelty seekers. (I have not done enough research on novelty seeking to provide a child’s test for it, but I think you can estimate your child’s novelty seeking fairly well.)
The problem for types like you two is that you are easily bored, always craving fresh experiences, yet easily overwhelmed. Your optimal range of arousal is very narrow. You can seem almost self-destructive in that you will plan a day or an entire lifestyle that overwhelms you, then be exhausted, distressed, or even fall ill. When you consistently fail to contain your novelty seeking, you are inviting chronic illness because of your equally high sensitivity. And, of course, our culture supports the novelty-seeking side of you more. For example, corporate cultures often require or certainly encourage top managers to travel all over the world for their work. And high novelty seekers love all that travel and seeing new places. But if they are highly sensitive, they also burn out from it.
I say all of this because it will be your responsibility to figure out how to manage these two traits in yourself and then to teach your child how to do it. (Since this is not a book on that subject, I can only refer you elsewhere—to volume 4, issues 2 and 3 of The Comfort Zone, a newsletter for highly sensitive people—see Resources.)
WHEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD HAVE QUITE DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS
If you are all one way (a nonsensitive novelty seeker—and perhaps an extrovert, too) and your child is all the other way (an HSC, not a novelty seeker, and perhaps an introvert) then this is a very serious difference between you. Everything I am about to say is very, very important for you.
First, be assured that nonsensitive parents and HSCs can do extremely well together. In Chapter 2 (#u66ec15dd-083c-5ff8-9090-9d6373b6c81c), I described “goodness of fit” and emphasized that it does not at all mean that a parent and child need to have the same temperament; indeed, we will see ways where differences in temperament are an advantage. A good fit refers to the fact that some environments—cultures, families, and parents—support a given temperament especially well. If parents realize that there has been a lack of fit up to this point, they can adapt.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/elaine-n-aron-986663/the-highly-sensitive-child-helping-our-children-thriv/) на ЛитРес.
Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.
Elaine N. Aron
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Семейная психология
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
Отзывы: Пока нет Добавить отзыв
О книге: 15-20% of children are Highly Sensitive – and they are often labelled shy, introverted, fussy or faddy. The real story is very different though and this intelligent, practical book helps parents know what to do, when to back off, and how to ensure their child is given the right sort of treatment at school.This book is the follow up to the author’s internationally best-selling personal development guide The Highly Sensitive Person.It is the first and only book for parents of highly sensitive children.It provides parents with insights and information so they can understand High Sensitivity, and help their highly sensitive child thrive in the world.It is important for these children to be understood so they can be helped to avoid the common traps of shyness and withdrawal that many highly sensitive fall into as they develop.Contains questionnaire for parents to find out if their child has the traits common in highly sensitive children.Discusses HSC’s at different ages – infant, toddler, school-age and adolescent.…