Song of the Fireflies
Song of the Fireflies
J. A. Redmerski
From New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of THE EDGE OF NEVER, J.A. Redmerski you a heart-wrenching New Adult novel of love, secrets and the choices we make…Love makes you do crazy things…Brayelle Bates has always been a force of nature and the only person who has ever truly understood her is her childhood sweetheart, Elias Kline. But Elias never knew the truth about her agonizing past – until one night changes everything.Desperate to escape her fate, Bray convinces Elias to flee with her, and as the two try to make the most of their circumstances, Elias soon realises that there’s a darkness driving Bray he can’t ignore. Now, in order to save her, he’ll have to convince Bray to accept the consequences of her past – even if it means losing her.
Song of the Fireflies
J.A. Redmerski
For Michael N. and Alexander D.
Table of Contents
Cover (#ubd1ec280-c969-5beb-b278-47c136ef6394)
Title Page (#u926f8d7d-7495-5243-84ea-900cb951d48b)
Dedication (#u959c42b1-d11a-53a2-a503-e1b38c02a4c5)
Chapter One (#u8ed5cb54-982a-5ea6-b2f4-44f5e733a835)
Chapter Two (#ub2ff93d7-3bd3-5ac2-a74c-4a850b19e9d6)
Chapter Three (#u36f83f8d-95ca-5cbe-b444-de179383471e)
Chapter Four (#u068fb2f1-bfdf-5a9b-9292-67c01a965e79)
Chapter Five (#u50591f3f-60c3-57b1-bb96-24627bd400db)
Chapter Six (#uc18573bf-a5cc-5d26-94cf-70019433a9f1)
Chapter Seven (#u8f167148-e53d-5d09-b1b2-c941da9e60bd)
Chapter Eight (#u9c0575b6-c629-5d1f-a3a0-1ea748de4e33)
Chapter Nine (#uc4d181ca-fb26-502a-9409-57175ad7ff13)
Chapter Ten (#ud4774706-c686-5f45-ab5c-fce15513aca1)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Read on for an extract from The Edge of Never (#litres_trial_promo)
Read on for an extract from The Edge of Always (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Also by J. A. Redmerski (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#ulink_8cd350af-7445-52ea-90b7-ce86ace58f63)
Elias
They say you never forget your first love, and I have to say that they are right. I met the girl of my dreams when we were both still fans of tree houses and dirt cakes—she made the best dirt cakes in Georgia—and today, seventeen years later, I still see her smile in everything good.
But Bray’s life has always been… complicated. Mine, well, I guess the same can be said for me, but as much as she and I are alike, there are just as many things that make us so very different.
I never thought that a relationship with her, other than being the best of friends, sometimes with benefits, could ever work. Neither did she. I guess in the beginning, we were both right. But by the end—and damn, the end sure as hell blindsided us—we were proven wrong. I admit a few dozen mistakes along the way are what led us here to this moment, holed up in the back of a convenience store with cops surrounding the building.
But wait. Let me start from the beginning.
Fourth of July—Seventeen Years Ago…
The kind of crush a nine-year-old boy has on an eight-year-old girl is almost always innocent. And cruel. The first time I saw Brayelle Bates flitting toward me through the wide-open field by Mr. Parson’s pond, she was marked my victim. She wore a white sundress and a pair of flip-flops with little purple flowers made of fabric sewn to the tops. Her long, dark hair had been pulled neatly into ponytails on each side of her head and tied with purple ribbons. I loved her. OK, so I didn’t really “love” her, but she sure was pretty.
So, naturally I gave her a hard time.
“What’s that on your face?” I asked, as she started to walk by.
She stopped and crossed her arms and looked down at me sitting on my blanket beside my mother, pursing her lips at me disapprovingly.
“There’s nothing on my face,” she said with a smirk.
“Yes there is.” I pointed up at her. “Right there. It’s really gross.”
Instinctively, she reached up and began touching her face all over with her fingertips. “Well, what is it? What does it look like?”
“It’s everywhere. And I told you it’s gross, that’s what it looks like.”
She propped both hands on her hips and chewed on the inside of her mouth. “You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not. Your whole face, it’s really ugly. You should go to the doctor and get that checked out.”
The tip of her flip-flop and her big toe jabbed me in the back of my hip.
“Owww! What was that for?” I reached around and rubbed the spot with my fingertips.
I noticed my mother shake her head at us, but she went back to her conversation with my aunt Janice.
Bray crossed her arms and snarled down at me. “If anyone out here is gross, it’s you. Your face looks just like my dog’s ass.”
Upon hearing that, my mom snapped her head around, and she glared at me as if I was the one who had just cursed.
I just shrugged.
Bray turned on her heel, sauntered away with her chin held high, and caught up with her parents, who were already many feet out ahead of her. I watched her go, the throbbing in my hip a reminder that if I was going to mess with that girl again, there would be more pain and abuse where that came from.
Of course, it only made me want to do it again.
As the pasture filled up with Athens’s residents, come to see the yearly fireworks display, I watched Bray do cartwheels in the grass with her friend. Every now and then I saw her look over at me, showing off and taunting me. She did get the best of me, after all, and it was only natural for her to gloat about it. I got bored fast sitting with my mom, especially since Bray seemed to be having so much fun over there.
“Where are you going, Elias?” my mom asked, as I got up from the blanket.
“Just right over there,” I said, pointing in Bray’s direction.
“OK, but please stay in my sight.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes; Mom was always worried I would get kidnapped or lost or hurt or wet or dirty or any number of things.
“I will,” I said and walked away.
I weaved my way through the few families sitting in the space between us in lawn chairs and on blankets, ice chests filled with beer and soda next to them, until I was standing in front of that abusive girl I couldn’t get enough of.
“You really shouldn’t do cartwheels in a dress, you know that, right?” I asked.
Bray’s mouth fell open. Her pale-skinned friend, Lissa, who had long, curly, white-blonde hair, and who I knew from school, smiled up at me. I think she liked me.
“I have shorts on under my dress thank-you-very-much,” Bray snapped. “Why were you looking, anyway?”
“I wasn’t looking, I just…”
Bray and Lissa burst into laughter.
My face flushed hot.
Bray had only just moved here from Atlanta a week ago, and it hadn’t taken long for her to fit in. Or rather to pretty much own the place as far as the kids went. She was the kind of girl so damn mean and intimidating and pretty that the other girls knew they had better befriend her or else end up her enemy. She wasn’t a bully; she just had this way about her that demanded respect.
“Want to go sit by the pond?” I asked. “The fireworks look cool reflected off the water.”
Bray shrugged. “I guess so.” Then she got to her feet; Lissa was already standing up, ready to go, before Bray had even made up her mind.
Lissa was a nice girl but clingy at times, and I admit I was the one who started a rumor about her being albino because of her white hair and sheet-white skin. I felt bad afterward. I hadn’t expected the whole school to call her that every single day. When Bray moved to town, she told a group of girls off on her first day for making fun of Lissa. Afterward, Lissa naturally clung to Bray like Velcro.
And just like that, as if I’d never called Bray ugly and she had never kicked me, we walked side by side toward the pond and sat together for the next two hours. My friend Mitchell joined us eventually, and the four of us lay on our backs on the grass and watched the fireworks explode in an array of colors in the clear black sky. And although Lissa and Mitchell were there with us, Bray and I carried on with each other as if we were alone. We laughed at stupid jokes and made fun of people walking by. It was the best night of my life, and it was only just beginning.
Shortly after the fireworks ended and the darkness settled across the pasture again, most of the town had already packed up and gone home.
My mom found me with Bray, Lissa, and Mitchell.
“Time to go,” she said, standing over me.
Bray was lying next to me, her head pressed against the side of my shoulder. I hadn’t really noticed it much, but my mom sure did. I saw a look in her eye—upside down, since she was standing behind us, which made that look all the more scary—that I’d never seen before. I raised myself up from the grass and turned around to face her.
“Can’t I stay and hang out a while longer?”
“No, Elias, I have to work in the morning. It’s already late.” She gestured with her free hand for me to get up and follow.
Reluctantly, I did as I was told.
“Oh come on, please, Ms. Kline?” Mitchell said on the other side of me, looking goofy with a front tooth missing and a light brown mullet lying against the back of his T-shirt. “I’ll walk home with him.”
Mitchell was a year older than me, but I did not need him to walk me home. This made me mad, probably because it embarrassed me in front of Bray.
I glared at Mitchell, and he looked back at me with apologetic eyes.
“I’ll see you guys later,” I said.
I took the ice chest from my mom to relieve her of some of the load she was carrying, and I followed her through the pasture toward our truck parked along the dirt road. Aunt Janice waved good-bye and sputtered away in her old beat-up Corsica.
My mom went to bed right after we got home. She was the manager at a hotel and rarely got any time off. My dad lived in Savannah. They had divorced three years ago. But I had a great relationship with them both. I often stayed at my dad’s in the summer, except this year he had to go to Michigan for his job, so I was staying with my mom all summer for the first time since their divorce.
I think it was fate. Bray never would’ve ended up outside my bedroom window that night, tapping on the glass with the tip of her finger, if my dad hadn’t gone to Michigan. I wondered how she knew where I lived but I never asked, figuring Mitchell or Lissa must’ve told her.
“You’re already in bed?” Bray asked with mock disbelief as she looked up at me.
I raised the window the rest of the way, and the humid summer air rushed in past me.
“No. I’m just in my room. What are you doin’ out here?”
A sly little grin crept up on the edges of Bray’s lips. “Want to go swimming?” she asked.
“Swimming?”
“Yeah. Swimming.” She crossed her arms and cocked her head to one side. “Or are you too chicken to sneak out?”
“I’m not afraid to sneak out.”
Actually, I kind of am. If my mom catches me she’ll whip me with the fly swatter.
“Then come on,” she said, waving at me. “Prove it.”
A challenge. Fly swatter or not, I couldn’t back down from a challenge or she’d never let me live it down. She’d go to school and turn my friends against me. The whole town would think I was a chicken afraid of his mommy, and I’d grow up an outcast and never have a girlfriend. I’d end up homeless and die an old man living underneath a bridge—these are the things my mom told me would happen to me if I ever dropped out of school.
OK, so I was overthinking this whole sneaking-out thing.
I bit down on my bottom lip, thought about it for a moment. When I noticed Bray about to start running that mouth of hers again, I tossed one leg over the windowsill and hopped outside, landing in a smooth, crouched position, which I was quite proud of.
Bray grinned, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along with her away from my house.
Admittedly, I thought of the fly swatter all the way back to the pond in the pasture.
Chapter Two (#ulink_493f54fd-8def-5e6f-bc14-025a6d40d1b1)
Elias
Bray was so free-spirited, she didn’t seem to have a worry in the world. I noticed this about her the moment we reached the outskirts of the pasture and she broke away from me and ran out toward it. Her arms were raised high above her head, as if she was reaching for the stars. Her laughter was infectious, and I found myself laughing right along with her as I ran behind her. We jumped off the end of the little rickety dock and hit the water with a loud splash. She didn’t even stop to take off her flip-flops, nor I my shirt, beforehand.
We swam for a while, and I splashed her in the face every chance I got, until she finally had enough and swam back to the dock.
“Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Bray asked, taking me by surprise.
I glanced nervously at her to my left; we both moved our feet back and forth in the water.
“No. Have you?”
Her shoulder bumped against mine hard, and she giggled and made a horrible face at me.
“No way. I wouldn’t kiss a girl. Talk about gross.”
I laughed, too. Really, I didn’t realize what I had said until after she pointed it out; I was too blindsided by the kissing topic to notice. But I played it off smoothly as though I was just being weird.
“I’ve never kissed a boy,” she said.
There was an awkward bout of silence. Mostly the awkwardness was coming from me, I was sure. I swallowed and looked out at the calm water. Every now and then I heard a random firework pop off in the distance somewhere. And the song of crickets and frogs surrounded us.
Not knowing what to say, or if I was supposed to say anything at all, I finally added, “Why not?”
“Why not what?”
“Why haven’t you kissed a boy before?”
She looked at me suspiciously. “Why haven’t you kissed a girl before?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. I just haven’t.”
“Well, maybe you should.”
“Why?”
“I dunno.”
Silence. We stared out at the water together, both of us with our hands braced against the dock’s edge, our bodies slumped between our shoulders, our feet moving steadily in the water and pushing poetic ripples outward across the surface.
I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, right next to the corner of her mouth.
She blushed and smiled, and I knew my face must’ve been bright red, but I didn’t care and I didn’t regret it.
I wanted to do it again.
Next thing I knew, Bray jumped up from the dock and ran back out into the pasture.
“Fireflies!” she shouted.
I stood up and watched her run away from me beneath the dark star-filled sky and she grew smaller and smaller. Hundreds of little green-yellow dots of light blinked off and on out in the wide-open space.
“Come on, Elias!” Her voice carried my name on the wind.
I knew I’d never forget this night. I couldn’t have understood why back then, but something within me knew. I would never forget it.
I ran out after her.
“We should’ve brought a jar!” She kept reaching out her hands, trying to catch one of the fireflies, but she was always a second too late.
On my third try, I caught one and held it carefully in the hollow of both hands so that I wouldn’t crush it.
“Oh, you got one! Let me see!”
I held my hands out slowly and Bray looked inside the tiny opening between my thumb and index finger. Every few seconds my hand would light up with a dull glow and then fade again.
“So pretty,” she said, wide-eyed.
“Just like you,” I said, though I had no idea what made me say that. Out loud, anyway.
Bray just smiled at me and looked back down into my hand.
“OK, let it go,” she said. “I don’t want it to die.”
I opened my hands and held them up, but the firefly just stayed there crawling across the ball of my thumb. I leaned in to blow on it and its tiny black wings finally sprang to life and it flew away into the darkness.
Bray and I spent the whole night in the field chasing the fireflies and laying on the grass, staring up at the stars. She told me all about her sister, Rian, and how she was a snob and was always mean to Bray. I told her about my parents, because I didn’t have any brothers or sisters. She said I was lucky. We talked forever, it seemed. We may have been young, but we connected deeply on that night. I knew we would be great friends, even better friends than Mitchell and I had been, and I had known him since first grade, when he had tried to con me out of my peach cup at lunch.
And before the night was over, we made a pact with each other that would later prove to see us through some very troubled times.
“Promise we’ll always be best friends,” Bray said, lying next to me. “No matter what. Even if you grow up ugly and I grow up mean.”
I laughed. “You’re already mean!”
She elbowed me.
“And you’re already ugly,” she said with a blush in her cheeks.
I gave in, though really I needed no convincing. “OK, I promise.”
We gazed back up at the stars; her fingers were interlaced and her hands rested on her belly.
I had no idea what I was getting into with Brayelle Bates. I didn’t know about such things when I was nine. I didn’t know. But I would never regret a moment with her. Never.
Bray and I were found early the following morning, fast asleep in the grass. We were awoken by three cops; Mr. Parson, who owned the land; and my frantic mother, who thought I had been kidnapped from my room, stuffed in a suitcase, and thrown on the side of a highway somewhere.
“Elias! Oh dear God, I thought you were gone!” She scooped me into her arms and squeezed me so tight I thought my eyeballs were going to burst out of the sockets. She pulled away, kissed me on the forehead, embarrassing the crap out of me, and then squeezed me again.
Bray’s mom and dad were there, too.
“Have you been out here all night with him?” Bray’s dad asked with a sharp edge in his voice.
My mom immediately went into defensive mode. She stood up the rest of the way with me and wrapped one arm around the front of me, pressing my head against her stomach.
“That daughter of yours,” my mom said, and already I was flinching before she finished, “she has a mouth on her. My son would never have snuck out unless he was influenced.”
Oh geez…
I sighed and threw my head back against her.
“Mom, I—”
“Are you blaming this on my daughter?” Bray’s mother said, stepping up front and center.
“As a matter of fact, I am,” my mom said boldly.
Bray started to shrink behind her dad and every second that passed I felt even worse about her being blamed.
Before this got too out of hand, I broke away from my mom’s arms. “Dammit, Mom—!” Her eyes grew wide and fierce, and I stopped midsentence.
“Watch your mouth, Elias!” Then she looked at Bray’s mom again and added, “See, Elias never uses language like that.”
“Stop it! Please! I snuck out on my own, so leave Bray out of it!”
I hated shouting. I hated that I had to put my mom in her place like that, but I spoke what I felt in my heart, and that was something my mom always taught me to do. Take up for the bullied, Elias. Never stand back and watch someone take advantage of someone else, Elias. Always do and say what you know in your heart to be right, no matter what, Elias.
I hoped she would remember those things when we were back at home.
My mom sighed deeply and I watched the anger deflate with her breath. “I apologize,” she said to Bray’s parents. “Really, I am sorry. I was just so scared something had happened to him.”
Bray’s mom nodded, accepting my mom’s apology with sincerity. “I understand. I’m sorry, too. I’m just glad they’re safe.”
Bray’s dad said nothing. I got the feeling he wasn’t as forgiving as her mom had been.
I was grounded for the rest of the summer for that stunt I pulled. And yes, I met the fly swatter that day, after which I vowed never to sneak out of the house again. But whenever it came to Bray, from that time up until we graduated high school, I did sneak out. A lot. But I never got caught again after that first time.
I know you must be wondering why after so many years of being best friends, attending the same school, working together at the local Dairy Queen, even often sharing a bed, why we never became something more to each other.
Well, the truth is that we did.
Chapter Three (#ulink_1651dd4f-05cd-5ef4-bdc0-39f0268569ab)
Four years ago…
I turned twenty-two on August 2, a week after I had moved into my first apartment. Bray, like she did every year, insisted that I not stay at home on my birthday. She wanted to drag me out to a party somewhere, get drunk, have some fun. And while I was never opposed to parties, drinking, and getting laid every now and then, the last party I went to with Bray landed me in jail and Bray in the emergency room of Athens Regional. It was a wild night, that’s for sure.
“It won’t be like last time,” Bray said from the doorway, trying to convince me.
She closed the front door with her foot and practically danced her way into my living room. She plopped down on my oversized chair and draped her legs over the arm.
I closed the fridge and sat down on the ottoman next to her, bringing my Gatorade bottle to my lips and taking a swig.
“You mean you won’t get roofied, and I won’t overhear the douchebag who did it bragging to his friends and then beat the shit out of him?” I laughed and took another drink. “That’s hardly something that can be predicted.”
She leaned forward and swung her arms around my neck. The smell of her freshly washed hair and lightly perfumed skin intoxicated me.
“I won’t drink anything unless you or Lissa give it to me,” she said and then pressed her lips to the side of my face.
I always hated it when she did that. Best friend, so what, it made me hard.
“I guess I’ll go,” I said, giving in. “But you have to promise you’ll be on your best behavior.” I shook my finger at her playfully.
In all reality, asking Bray to be on her best behavior was a far-fetched request that was almost always met with disappointment. But nothing she could ever do would push me away from her.
She raised both of her hands up in the air, as if surrendering.
“I fucking promise,” she laughed. “I’ll be good. If I don’t, you have my permission to bend me over your knee and spank the shit out of me.”
Oh Jesus Christ… seriously? That’s worse than her innocent “best friend” kiss to my cheek.
I inhaled a very deep breath, composed myself, and then got up from the ottoman, Gatorade bottle in hand.
“Where are you going?”
“To get dressed?” I looked at her like she’d just asked a stupid question.
“What you’re wearing is fine,” she said. “You’re one hot piece of ass, as usual.” She stuck her tongue out at me and then looked me over.
She did tend to look me over a lot in the years we’d known each other. I often wondered if she secretly had the same feelings for me that I’d always had for her, but I could never really be sure. I always knew she cared for me and was attracted to me, but regarding the two of us together, I was as confused as you probably are.
I ignored her and went into my bedroom to change my clothes.
She followed.
While it was never anything unusual for her to see me naked, this time her following me did strike me as odd.
“Elias?”
I looked from the open top drawer of my dresser to her.
“There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
This was serious. I had only seen that thoughtful, intent look on her face a few times before, and it was always about something that would later prove to define our strange relationship even more, like adding colors to a black-and-white painting. So far only a quarter of that painting had been filled in. Once with her confession to me that she lost her virginity to Michael Pearson—that about fucking killed me. Once when I admitted I lost mine to Abigail Rutherford—I thought Bray was going to hate me forever after that. Apparently, Abigail Rutherford was Bray’s worst enemy, though I never got that impression until after I slept with her. Then once when she gave me her first blowjob because she “needed the practice”—for days after that, I was in a haze. I couldn’t get the image out of my head, not necessarily because of the act itself but because of the trust she had in me to want me to be the one. And once when I ate her out in my car underneath a bridge overpass, because she dared me to do it. Bray never ceased to shock the hell out of me. Always in a good way. Yeah, those were some colorful fucking brushstrokes.
As I stood at the dresser, new boxers in my hand, I could only wonder what color we would be adding to that painting today.
She sat down on the end of my bed. Her silky dark hair framed her peach-colored face and fell down over both of her bare shoulders.
“What’s up?” I asked, concealing my impatience.
She glanced toward the closet and then looked back at me. “Madelyn will be at this party.”
I thought I knew where this was going, but I couldn’t be sure. I was having a hard time reading Bray, which in itself was foreign to me.
“So?”
“So, I know you have a thing for her. I don’t like her.” Bray struggled with those words; I could see it in her face that she really wanted to say something else. She was hiding something. I was pretty sure I knew what it was, but I needed a bit more proof.
Giving up on changing clothes, I shut the top drawer and leaned against the edge of the dresser, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I don’t have a thing for her,” I said. I wouldn’t mind sleeping with her once, but that’s not a “thing.” “Why don’t you like her?”
“She’s… well, she’s just not right for you. She’s a nice girl, but I get bad vibes from her.” The more she tried to explain, the more uncomfortable she looked. “Just trust me on this, OK?” She swallowed nervously.
Bray never gets nervous around me.
I crouched down in front of her, forcing her blue-eyed gaze to connect with mine.
“Why don’t you just say what you’re really thinking?”
She looked stunned. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, really I don’t.” Trying to avoid it, she stood up and moved to the other side of the bed, crossing her arms and putting her back to me.
“Don’t do this,” I said, rising to my feet, too. “We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. We have to stop.”
I stepped up behind her. “Why don’t we just try it, Bray?”
She swung her head around to face me, her eyes harboring confusion and shock and worry all at the same time. Only her confusion wasn’t convincing. She knew exactly what I was talking about, but she wasn’t masking it very well.
“Try what?”
I placed my hands on her upper arms. “Being together.”
It was as if my words sucked all of the air and sound out of the room. For a long time she just stared at me, unblinking.
“I’ve wanted to be with you since we were kids in that pasture, Bray. You know this—you’ve known this. But anytime I ever tried to get closer to you, you pushed me away. Why don’t we stop this, quit playing these games with each other, and just… be together.”
Her big blue eyes fell away from mine. She took a step backward and sat down on the edge of the bed, letting her hands fall in between her thighs. She wouldn’t look at me, and I was getting frustrated. I wanted her to say something, anything.
I crouched in front of her again and rested my hands on the tops of her bare knees. “Please look at me,” I said softly. “Say something.”
It seemed a struggle, but finally she met my gaze. I saw nothing but conflict in her eyes.
“I can’t,” she said.
“Why not? Are you not into me? If that’s it, just say so. I can take it. I’ll hate it, but at least I’ll know—”
“That’s not it at all,” she said, shaking her head gently.
“Is it because of your dad?” I asked. “I know he’s never really liked me much.”
“No, Elias. It doesn’t have anything to do with that. You should know that by now.”
“Then what the hell is it?” The frustration began to show in my voice, probably in my face, too. “I don’t get it. We’ve been close since we were kids. It’s always been you and me, Bray and Elias, best friends forever, just like you used to scribble on your tablets. Shit, we’ve done everything together short of outright sex. You get pissed at me when I start to get too close to another girl.”
“Are you saying I’m jealous?” she asked quickly.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” I answered truthfully, despite wanting to avoid offending her. She knew it was true as much as I did. “The only person you’re fooling here is yourself.”
Too much truth, I realized too late, would only shut her off.
She pushed me away from her and started to head for the door, but I caught her by the elbow and forced her back around to face me.
“It scares me!” she shouted, taking me by surprise. “You’ve been the only consistent thing in my life, Elias! I’m incapable of holding a relationship together. I always fuck it up!” She waved her hands out in front of her angrily. “What was my longest relationship?”
I didn’t answer. I knew the answer, but I got the feeling it wasn’t that kind of question.
“Two months,” she said, holding up two fingers. “I get with a guy and two months is my record. Michael. Three weeks. Austin. Two weeks. Jack. One month. Hell, I went out with Avery for two days before I bailed on him! Two days. It’s pathetic!”
“But what does that have to do with us?” I asked with almost as much intensity in my voice as hers. “We’re not like everyone else. I’m not any of those guys. If anyone could hold a relationship together it’s you and me.”
“That’s just it!” She was almost crying. “You’re not like any of them! You’re the only guy in this world that I care about!”
Tears streamed down her soft cheeks.
It was in this moment that I finally knew the truth. Bray was afraid of losing me, and taking our relationship any further than it had been was a risk that she wasn’t willing to take.
“It’s my worst fear,” she confirmed it and her gaze dropped toward the floor. “Things between us changing. I know, Elias… I feel it… if we change the way things are, the way they have been, nothing will ever be the same again. We’ll break up and grow apart and just thinking about not having you in my life hurts my heart.” Tears shuddered through her chest.
I sat down fully on the floor and pulled her into my arms, wrapping them tightly around her body. I pressed my lips against her hair and did my best to hold back my own tears. Because I understood. Having known Bray practically all my life, I understood her more than anyone ever would or could.
Like I said, Bray was complicated.
She had always been a confident girl, the type that other girls in school looked up to and followed. She was wild and brazen and often too bold for her own good. When we were growing up, she got into more trouble than I thought one innocent, sweet girl could get into. She wasn’t afraid of anything, even the occasional illegal stunt, which landed her in juvy once for a week when she was sixteen. Destruction of property—she got caught spray-painting the back of a grocery store building. But she wasn’t a bad girl, just a little rebellious and reckless.
But her biggest flaw was her inability to form bonds with other people. Friend. Boyfriend. Even family. She had never really been close to anyone. The first time I saw her interact with her parents, I thought that her family was very different from ours. My mom and dad always told me they loved me before I went anywhere or before we hung up the phone. Bray and her parents never said that to each other, at least not that I had ever heard. Bray’s parents didn’t seem to mind that she went where she wanted whenever she wanted. My parents were strict, and I had a crazy eight o’clock curfew up until I was fifteen years old. It took me a long time to truly understand why her parents treated her the way they did. And it wasn’t until many years later that all of the pieces of the puzzle that was Brayelle Bates would fall into place and explain everything.
I was all that Bray ever really had.
Her attachment to me, her closeness to me, I knew all along was love. But she didn’t know, because she had never really experienced love like that before. She grew up pushing people away from her, because it was all she had ever known. When someone started getting too close, she turned on them in an instant, as if a warning siren was going off inside her brain.
She wasn’t a broken girl. She had never experienced abuse or had much of a hard life growing up. She was just cursed with the inability to recognize and filter and react to certain significant emotions.
Despite all of her flaws, all of her crazy antics and sometimes over-the-top personality, I loved her more than anything in this world.
And I knew that I always would.
But it was time I put my foot down.
“It won’t be like this forever,” I said, looking down into her glazed-over eyes. “We can’t spend the rest of our lives being just friends and neither of us getting involved with other people.”
Her tears shut off immediately and she froze. “What are you saying?” she asked.
I softened the look in my eyes, trying to be as delicate as possible with what I was about to say. My hands moved up her arms and rested against her cheeks. I brushed the bone under her eye with the pad of my thumb.
And then I lied to her.
“I can’t do this with you forever,” I said. “I want to be in love, to be loved back. I want to get married one day and maybe have a couple kids—call me old fashioned, but whatever.” She wanted to tear her eyes away from mine, but she couldn’t; she was still frozen in place, her body rigid. “I’ve imagined that person being you. It’s always been about you. But if you don’t want to at least try to be her, then maybe we should stop being friends. This… thing we have, this… relationship, it’s unhealthy.”
She stepped back and away from me, still holding her unblinking gaze.
“Is this what you want?” she asked, her soft features appeared vacant, but her eyes held a profound amount of suppressed pain.
“What I want is to be with you. That’s what I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My hands collapsed into half fists out in front of me. My whole body was consumed by emotion, a desperate need to make her understand how much I loved her without having to say the words. In the moment, they didn’t seem right to speak aloud. I was afraid she’d run the other way.
I thought this was going to be the end. The end of us, the end of everything that we stood for. The last thing in the world that I wanted was for her to turn and walk out that door so I would never see her again. But that was what I expected. The truth is, I would’ve waited forever for her. I couldn’t imagine myself in a serious relationship with any other girl. Sex? Sure. I’m a guy and I like sex. But to love someone other than Bray seemed eternally impossible. So yes, I lied when I told her that it couldn’t be the way it had been any longer. Because I would’ve waited for her forever. I would’ve stayed just like we were, unconventional best friends who shared a lot more than secrets and sleepovers. But with Bray, I knew I had to be harsh. I felt like I had to be the one to make her understand that our relationship might not be what she wanted. As much as it hurt me to do it, I had to let her know that it was OK to go our separate ways. I didn’t want her to cling to the thought of us for the rest of her life and continue pushing people away because of me.
I just wanted her to be happy.
With her back to me, Bray’s arms uncrossed and fell to her sides.
She turned around.
I waited, subconsciously holding my breath.
And just when I thought it was all going to be over, she said, “OK. I do want to be with you. I want to try with you.”
That night after the party, we had sex for the first time since we’d known each other. But it wasn’t what I had always hoped it would be. Bray changed. I noticed her change as I lay on top of her, peering down into her beautiful, blue eyes. It was as if she knew before it actually happened that if we had sex it would alter everything between us forever. And then as the days wore on, we grew further apart. We broke up after four months. Two months later, she moved away to South Carolina.
I was never the same.
Chapter Four (#ulink_b1336f39-dc8c-539a-910e-48a39595dcca)
Bray
I know what you must be thinking: What a bitch. And you’ll get no argument from me on that one. I was pretty messed up back then. I loved Elias with all my heart, and that scared the hell out of me.
But I should get something out of the way before I dive into the excuses of why I was the way I was. I’m sure Elias sugarcoated me with his bias and all, but if this story is going to be told, then it needs to be told in its truth and entirety, without Band-Aids and training wheels.
I was fucked up.
No, no one raped me or beat me or bullied me as a kid. My parents loved me. Maybe not as much as my sister, Rian, but I believed they loved me. They just showed it in different ways than Elias’s parents did, usually with the best toys for Christmas and birthdays, a steady allowance, and the occasional pat on the back for doing a good deed. Sometimes. But every pat on the back I ever did get felt like an obligation, like they were being forced. I had issues. There’s no doubt about that. And for much of my young life my parents did whatever they could to help me. They just gave up trying to fix me somewhere along the way. But I don’t blame anyone for the way I was. A psychologist appointed by the State to evaluate me when I had my little run-in with the police and a stint in juvy called it bipolar disorder. I, on the other hand, called it just one of those things. We’re all different. We all have our own quirks and flaws and dark secrets. All of us are fucked up on some level, whether or not we want to admit it to ourselves. And I like to believe that not every problem or issue that we deal with in our daily lives must be labeled with a fancy title.
I’ll say it again: I was fucked up. It was as simple as that.
Well, just so you know, I didn’t leave Elias and Georgia because I lost interest or fell out of love with him. Quite the opposite. I left because I fell even harder for him, which I didn’t even know was possible. I’ve never really been scared of anything, except of Elias. I think that in the back of my mind I figured if I left him first, if I was the one who put a stop to any kind of relationship that we had, it might not hurt as much as it would have if he had ended it. It gave me a sense of control. At least, I fooled myself into believing that all the way to South Carolina. But once I got there—I moved with my friend, Lissa, who wanted to be closer to her brother—it didn’t take long for me to see that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
But instead of doing the right thing and following my heart by going back and hoping Elias would take me back, I did the opposite and pushed myself further away from him. Maybe it was my way of punishing myself for being the biggest idiot on the face of the Earth, I don’t know, but whatever it was, it landed me in a year-long relationship with a guy I didn’t love and never would.
I tried to go on with my life, but as time wore on I realized more every day that I really had no life without Elias. He was my life. He had been since that day we met by the pond.
I just wished I would’ve allowed myself to give in to that truth fully long before I finally did.
Because by then, it was too late.
Elias had a girlfriend, and according to our childhood friend Mitchell, Elias was serious about her and very much in love.
That was the time in my life when I didn’t care about anything anymore. I pretty much gave up on life without actually committing suicide. That’s the best way to describe it. I was completely dead inside. But no one else knew. Only Elias would ever have known that something was wrong with me deep down, that what I projected to the world was just a mask covering up the ugliness slowly eating away at my soul. But I never contacted him. I never tried to tell him how I felt, how much I was hurting, how much I missed and needed him. Because I wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant I wasn’t part of that happiness. I ruined my happiness for myself. I wasn’t about to waltz back into his life and ruin his, too.
Inevitably, I broke it off with my boyfriend and I told myself that I’d go back to being relationshipless, the way I had always been. Because relationships just weren’t my thing. But—and here’s some of where that “no Band-Aid” policy I was talking about comes into play—I went from a long-term relationship with one person to having sex with several different people. Call me a slut; say whatever you want. I never slept with anyone for the sheer pleasure of it—not in the beginning, anyway. I did it because I was trying to fill a void and I knew no other way. I was confused and I longed to feel loved the way I felt loved every moment I spent with Elias. I looked for that feeling in everything and everyone.
But I never found it.
And that’s when I… no, I’m not ready to talk about that yet.
For now, let’s just say when the dark secret I carried around behind that mask was out for the world to see, I had no other choice but to go back home.
Home to Elias. If he would have me. If he could have me…
I just never imagined that my homecoming would be met with more than I had ever hoped for… and, well, a lot more that I never could have possibly anticipated.
Elias
Two months ago…
I hadn’t seen nor heard from Bray in four years. As anyone would do, I went on with my life. I met a girl, Aline, at community college. She was beautiful. Dark hair. Bright blue eyes. Peach-colored skin. I loved her. But I wasn’t in love with her, even though I tried really hard to be. I tried so hard that for a while I actually believed it. But after two years of dating, I realized it wasn’t the kind of love I felt for Bray. And it never would be.
I heard from my friend Mitchell that Bray was engaged and in love with some guy in South Carolina. I felt like punching Mitchell for telling me this. I would have much rather gone on wondering about her, left clueless as to how she was carrying on with her life, instead of knowing the painful details.
I saw Bray in everything and everyone. Even in Aline—it wasn’t until much later that I realized how they favored each other. Pathetic, I know, but love isn’t always roses and rainbows and butterflies in your stomach. It’s equally cruel and painful and the world’s worst villain.
Aline dumped me. She knew I was in love with Bray. Not because I told her, but because women are smart like that. They have this weird fucking superpower that allows them to read a man’s emotions and see straight through his lies. I had told Aline about Bray, my “best friend” since childhood, and apparently that was all the backstory Aline needed to know more about me than I knew about myself. It wasn’t that I had tried to hide from Aline the fact that I was still in love with Bray, but that I had been trying to hide it from myself.
Aline was a great girl. She just wasn’t my girl….
It was one day in April nearly two months ago when the landscape of my life changed forever. The colors on that black-and-white painting were finally starting to fill in.
I woke up Saturday morning to Mitchell rummaging through the cabinets in my kitchen. He had been my roommate since last year. A lot about both of us had changed since we were kids. Thankfully, his mullet was one thing. Somewhere along the years he traded that hairstyle for a short, stylish cut with longer bangs that framed his face.
“What the hell are you doing, man?” I asked as I entered the kitchen wearing only my boxers. My current one-night stand, Jana, was still asleep in my bed, tangled in the sheets.
I opened the fridge and drank down half a bottle of water.
Mitchell was standing on a chair pushed against the front of the oven and reaching into the cabinet high above the stove light. “Looking for my weed.”
“Mitchell, man, seriously, you need to come down off that shit. Why would your weed be in the cabinet?”
“Come down off what shit? Weed?” His voice was muffled by the cabinet door.
“The meth.”
“Fucking A, bro, I’m not on meth. What the hell is your problem?”
I sat down at the kitchen table, stretched my arms above me and yawned. “You haven’t slept in three days,” I said. “Last night I heard you going through boxes in your room. For three hours.” I looked around the kitchen. “I haven’t seen this place this clean since I moved in, and I sure as hell didn’t clean it.”
Mitchell’s head finally came out of the cabinet, his bangs partially covering his dark brown eyes. He stepped down from the chair. His eyes were wide and feral and bloodshot, his pupils dilated. The corner of the left side of his mouth constantly twitched.
“Don’t tell anyone,” he said. He started to sit down but began pacing instead.
“I’m not going to tell anyone, but you’re starting to worry me. That’s some bad shit, bro. A month more and you’ll be sucking guys off for a fix. It’s no better than crack.”
Mitchell’s face went slack. “Dude, that’s goin’ too far.”
I sipped my water. “Is it?” I asked and shook my head. “You know I’m far from Mr. Sober and Perfect, but I wouldn’t touch that stuff if you paid me. You remember what it did to Paul Matthews.”
Mitchell pushed air through his lips and rolled his eyes. “Paul got addicted. He was cooking the shit in his bathroom. You don’t see me doing that.”
“Not yet,” I said.
I heard footsteps behind me, and Mitchell looked up.
“Do I get to fuck her next?” he asked.
I shut my eyes briefly and sighed. “Don’t say stuff like that, Mitch.”
“Fuck you,” Jana said to him from behind me.
Her shoulder-length blonde hair was pulled into a sloppy ponytail that hung disheveled against her back. She had sun-kissed brown skin and she was skinny, with delicate wrists I could easily lock my fingers around. But her wrists and her frame were the only delicate things about her, really.
She leaned around the back of my chair and kissed me on the mouth. I noticed right away she was dressed only in a T-shirt and her panties. Mitchell may have been out of line with that comment, but she wasn’t helping her case any, dressed like that in front of another guy.
Jana went to the fridge and opened it. I glimpsed her naked, tanned legs for only a moment. She was hot, but I was already regretting having slept with her.
“Whatever, man,” Mitchell said and went back to the cabinet.
I got up and left the kitchen. I hopped in the shower and Jana joined me. I wasn’t used to girls staying this late with me in the morning, certainly not inviting themselves into my shower. But I wasn’t about to kick her out, especially when the first thing she did was get on her knees and give me a blowjob. But for some reason, I couldn’t get off. I shut my eyes and gripped her head in both hands while she took the entire length of me into the back of her throat, but I couldn’t get off no matter how hard either of us tried.
I was frustrated. Jana, I think, was worried about her technique.
She gave up on that method and rose to her feet, pressing her breasts against my chest. The hot water was beginning to run cool as it streamed down on us.
She had this crafty look in her eyes.
“I want you both to fuck me,” she said and bit down gently on my chin.
Well, that definitely took me by surprise.
I don’t know what made me go along with it, other than thinking with the wrong head, but a few minutes later I was on my knees behind her on the couch while she went to work on Mitchell in front of her—and he apparently didn’t have the same problem I’d had with her minutes ago in the shower.
Despite sharing an apartment with a guy and both of us having our fair share of girls—girls who wanted a relationship as much as Mitchell or I did, I should add—threesomes definitely weren’t the norm. The girls either of us usually brought home weren’t as bold with their sexual desires as Jana was. And that was a good thing, really, because a threesome with another guy wasn’t something I could ever really get accustomed to. I spent more time and effort trying to avoid crossing swords than actually enjoying myself. In the heat of the moment, I never cared about that much, but when it was all over, I was a little disgusted with myself. Every single time. Unfortunately, disgust rarely stopped me from doing it again.
After Jana left and Mitchell went on another cleaning spree in the apartment, I got another shower before I headed out to help my mom move the last of her stuff into her new house. Mom had bad credit, and when the rental house I had grown up in started going to shit, I took out a loan to get her a new house on the other side of town.
Her new boyfriend, James, was loading boxes into the moving van when I pulled up.
He man-hugged me and started his usual spiel, asking how I was doing and reminding me how good I was to my mom. It really wasn’t necessary. I already liked him, and there wasn’t any need for him to still be trying so hard. But I guess he just hadn’t exhausted his efforts yet, and so I left it alone.
“This will be the last load,” my mom said and handed James a box to put in the van. Then she enveloped me in a hug. “How’s that new job going?”
“So far so good,” I said. “I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I do.”
“That’s great,” James said, emerging from the back of the moving van. “I did construction for ten years. It’s better than fast food or sitting behind a desk.” He was a few inches shorter than my mom, with graying salt-and-pepper hair sprinkled above his temples. Physically, James wasn’t my mom’s usual type, but I think his personality made up for that.
I nodded.
“OK, I need you two to be very careful with my china cabinet,” my mom said. “It was my mother’s, and—”
“We’ve got this,” James said, smiling over at me. “Don’t you worry.”
We followed my mom inside. She stayed close behind us every step of the way as we carried the massive china cabinet out the front door. Her face was as white as a sheet; she was worried we were going to drop it and shatter the glass doors along the top. We got it into the van and covered it with two thick blankets for extra cushioning. I stepped down from the ramp to see my mom staring out at the road. Her face was still white, but this time it seemed like she had seen a ghost. It took me a second longer than it should to turn around to see what she was looking at.
Bray stood at the end of the driveway, looking back at me.
Chapter Five (#ulink_30f8c625-fa44-553d-9764-994a475af089)
Elias
My heart thumped so violently I felt light-headed for a moment. I think I gasped, but I couldn’t be sure. I was too paralyzed to move or breathe, much less get my brain in working order again.
For the longest time Bray and I just stared across the driveway at each other. My first instinct was to walk straight over to her, lift her into my arms, and kiss her like I had never kissed anyone before, but I stopped a half a second before I acted upon it.
I had to play this cool. I had no idea what she was doing here after four years. Four fucking years! She could’ve been there just to see how I was doing after so long and to update me on her life, tell me that she was married and had a kid. I almost broke down. Right there in front of her and my mom and James. But I held my own, swallowed hard as emotion thickened my throat, and let out the breath I had been holding for the past few minutes.
“Bray?” I took a few steps forward.
Her smile was faint and shaky at first, but when I walked toward her those few steps her smile started to brighten.
“Hey,” she said softly.
Her hands were folded loosely down in front of her like a delicate little basket near her belly. Her long, dark hair, soft as it always was, draped both shoulders and was tucked behind her ears. She looked exactly the way I had always remembered her: soft and fragile and beautiful, with the biggest blue eyes and the prettiest smile I had ever seen. I swear her eyes twinkled like they do in the cartoons whenever she’d smile. And I always found it funny that she looked so damn innocent, but whenever she opened that mouth of hers she would blow that innocent façade right out of the water.
But not on this day. She definitely wasn’t herself. It was like she wasn’t sure yet if she could be. Or if she wanted to be.
I looked back at the moving van and then at my mom.
“Honey, you go ahead,” my mom said, waving me on. “James and I can move the rest.”
Other than Mitchell and, even less so, Aline, my mom was the only other person who knew my history with Brayelle Bates. She knew how much I loved her, and over the past four years, she’d tried on several occasions to convince me to reach out to Bray, tell her how I felt.
Having an idea about the situation, James added, “No worries, Elias. I can move this stuff. You go do what you’ve gotta do.” His smile was kind of goofy.
Bray stepped up then. “How about we all help?” she said to James and smiled at me.
Take it slow. Feel each other out first. See what our boundaries are, if there are any. It was the method Bray and I both used that day, without actually coming out and saying it.
We spent the next couple of hours helping my mom and James unload the van. After all of the heavy stuff was moved into the house, Bray and I left together in my gray Dodge Charger. We didn’t talk much while moving boxes or even when we were finally alone in the car. We were both nervous, both worried about the same things: Is she single? Does she have a family? Is this our last and final good-bye?
I drove her to my apartment. Mitchell was as shocked as I was when he saw her. “Holy shit,” he said when we walked through the front door. “Brayelle Bates. What are you doing here?”
“Hi, Mitch,” she said and strolled over to give him a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too, girl.” He took a step back and looked her over, bringing one hand up to push his bangs away from his face. “Still smokin’ hot, I see. You haven’t answered my question.”
“Mitch,” I said dropping my keys on the coffee table, “do you mind going out for a while and—”
“Say no more.” Mitchell put up both hands. “Privacy. I understand. I’m outta here in five seconds.”
When he finally left, the silence that fell over the room between Bray and me was like the calm before the storm.
“Sit down,” I encouraged her, taking her by the elbow and leading her to the oversized chair. She wore a pair of tight jean shorts and a white cotton top. A thin silver chain with a pink pendant hung from her neck. A mess of tan, black, and green hemp bracelets, some with beads, and others with intricate braided designs, were wrapped around both wrists.
I sat down on the ottoman, facing her, my hands folded together and hanging between my knees.
She broke my heart when she started to cry.
I could tell she was trying really hard to contain the tears in those final few seconds as I looked at her. But she couldn’t. She buried her face in the palms of her hands and cried so hard, all I could do was reach out and grab her, try to pull her onto my lap. But she pushed my arms away gently.
“No, Elias, listen to me first before you give in to my shit this time. Please!” Tears choked her voice.
I was crying on the inside, my chest a twisted knot holding down a full-blown tear-fest with all the strength I could muster. I placed my hands on her bare knees instead.
“Why are you crying?” I reached up with one hand and tucked her hair back behind her ear. This was fucking killing me, to see her like this.
Sobs shuddered through her body, as if hearing my voice just made her cry worse. And for a moment I saw sitting in front of me that little girl I had met in the pasture that night.
“Bray, I’m here. You know that. I’ll always be here for you.”
I was beginning to lose hope, thinking maybe she just needed me for a shoulder to cry on. Maybe she’d just had a bad breakup with some guy and needed me to talk to about it. I hoped I was wrong.
Finally her sobs eased enough that she could look me in the eyes and she said, “I-I just wanted to say that… I’ve loved you all my life. I know I screwed up, Elias. I made the worst mistake of my life by leaving you and for staying away for so long.” She began losing control again. So did I. “I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I had to come here to tell you how I felt! I had to!” Tears were shooting from her eyes again, her body was going rigid under my hands.
She went on:
“I was so afraid of you. I was afraid of losing you. I don’t know what made me do the things I did. I-I was stupid and crazy and, and I don’t know! But I was really messed up, Elias. I know I’m too late. Mitchell told me you fell in love and for the longest time I didn’t want to come here because I didn’t want to interfere with your life. I—”
“I’m not with anyone,” I said softly.
She froze and I heard her breath catch. Her hands were trembling between her knees.
I scooted farther to the edge of the ottoman, closer to her, and held her face in my hands.
“Do you remember what I told you on my twenty-second birthday?” I paused, searching her beautiful blue eyes, which were glossed over with moisture. “I said it was always about you.” I squeezed her face gently to add emphasis. “It’s always been you, Bray. I could never love another girl the way that I’ve loved you since we were kids. Never.” I squeezed it again, my jaw grinding. “I’ve tried. Believe me, I tried to go on with my life—dating, relationships. But no matter what I did, no matter who I was with or how good they were to me, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
I was so intent on explaining these things to her—I had rehearsed them over and over in my mind for four years—that I hadn’t even noticed her tears had changed. Instead of heartbreaking sobs rendering her weak, the tears streaming down her cheeks had become calmer, though heavier, laced with happiness even though there was still a bit of fear.
But I also hadn’t noticed that I’d finally started crying, too.
“I love you so much, Bray. So fucking much!” Sobs rattled my chest briefly until I managed to calm myself.
Bray finally gave in and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around me. I scooped her up into them, squeezing the life out of her and into me. We shared that life. We always had. And from this day forth, we both knew that we always would.
Even if it killed us.
Bray
It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to describe, but when Elias held me in his arms like that, I literally felt whole again. Or maybe for the first time. Because things were different this time around. I knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I knew I couldn’t walk out that door without him. I knew that going forward, no matter what I did, I wanted Elias to be right there with me. Not just as best friends. But as lovers, girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife. I didn’t care, as long as we were together and in love the way we were meant to be.
His lips covered mine and he kissed me deeply, passionately, stealing my breath away. My stomach fluttered and spun and did things it had never done before, not even the first time we had sex. And before I knew it, I was pulling his T-shirt over his raised arms and tossing it somewhere on the floor. He practically tore my shirt off me. We stood up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he carried me into his bedroom and threw me down on the bed.
He didn’t wait even a minute before stripping off the rest of my clothes. And then his. I watched the muscles flex in his arms and in his chest as he crawled on top of me. He was so damn gorgeous to me, every muscle, every line, every curve in his sculpted, tanned body. His mouth hungry for mine, searching my breasts and my neck and the underside of my chin until he found my lips and kissed me ravenously. I speared my hands through his wavy, chin-length dark hair, and when I reached down and took his hard length into my hand he moaned against my mouth.
“I want you inside me, Elias,” I said breathily against his mouth. “I’ve wanted this for so goddamn long.” This time it felt real. It felt right. It felt the way it should have felt our first time. And I wanted to savor it as if it were.
His powerful hips rocked against mine before he reached down with me, and his strong fingers splayed around my hand as it held his cock firmly. He guided my hand, and I gasped and threw my head back against the pillow as I felt the head of his cock enter me. My eyelids fluttered and fell helplessly over my eyes. My lips parted and a sharp gasp escaped as he slid the rest of his length slowly into my wetness. I moaned with pleasure.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered hotly against my lips, and then slipped his tongue into my mouth, his hips thrusting relentlessly against mine. “I never want you to leave me again.” He bit down on my bottom lip.
I wanted to cry hearing his words. And deep inside myself, I did. But they were tears of bliss. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed myself farther toward him, wanting him deeper.
“I’ll never leave you again,” I said, as those tears deep inside began to seep from the corners of my eyes.
I could hardly catch my breath.
“Promise me,” he said, thrusting harder.
I looked up into his eyes and saw that they were as tearful as mine; the intensity in his face much greater. I knew in that moment that if I ever left him again, it would kill him. It would kill me.
“I promise. I’ll never leave you.”
“Swear it on your life,” he said and rammed his cock into me so hard it took away what little breath I had left. My thighs trembled. My stomach flip-flopped with pleasure and excitement. Elias stared down into my eyes.
“I fucking swear on my life,” I said and meant every word. “I’ll never leave you again.”
His lips devoured mine and he fucked me harder than I had ever been fucked, until my fingers hurt from digging into the wooden headboard behind me and my legs were so weak I could hardly lift them. And when he came, he came hard on my stomach, his entire body trembling. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the sweat from his temples and from his lips.
He rested only a few minutes before he was hard again, and then he made love to me slowly until I came.
We stayed in bed all day, tangled in the sheets, our arms and legs entwined. For a long time we didn’t speak. We just stared up at the ceiling, his fingers combing through my hair, my head resting against his warm, hard chest.
“You promised,” he whispered.
I raised my head and looked at him. “I did,” I said and leaned over to kiss his lips.
He kissed me in return, but a worried look lingered in his eyes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. “I’ve lived for far too long away from you, Elias. I just wish that I had figured it out sooner.”
His eyes smiled faintly and he moved a piece of hair away from my face with the tip of his finger.
“I’m glad you kicked me in the hip that night,” he said and kissed my nose.
“Well, if you hadn’t have called me ugly, I probably wouldn’t have.”
Elias smiled and pulled me back down, laying my head against his chest again.
“You’ve always been beautiful to me,” he said, and then I felt his lips press against the top of my hair.
I was in heaven.
We were in heaven.
Chapter Six (#ulink_e9624dd0-d81c-5a8a-9454-c992f083dba9)
Elias
It took us seventeen years to truly find each other. But now that we were together, neither of us was letting go.
The first two weeks of our newfound relationship was as I had always imagined it. We went everywhere together. I introduced her as my girlfriend to my new friends and she introduced us as a couple to our old friends. And it didn’t seem to bother Bray when we’d run into an old girlfriend of mine—or a one-night stand. It didn’t bother her much anyway. Bray took it all in stride.
“Elias Kline,” Jana said, coming up behind me as I sat in a booth at the Denny’s restaurant one day. Her blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail, and her eyes were painted with heavy, dark makeup that made her look somewhat like a raccoon to me.
“Hey, Jana,” I said, setting my fork down. I looked at Bray and then back up at Jana, hovering beside our table, and said, “This is my girlfriend, Bray. Bray, this is Jana.”
“Nice to meet you,” Bray said with a smile at first I couldn’t be sure was genuine or just for show.
Jana’s darkly lined eyes skirted Bray, and I noticed their smiles seemed to match. I wondered if Bray could tell right off that I had slept with this girl before.
“Girlfriend, huh?” Jana said.
“Yes.” Bray straightened her back and stretched her arms across the table in front of her. “And you are?” she said with a smirk.
OK, their matching smiles were definitely just for show. Suddenly I felt like a bear cub dangling between mother bear and an intruder.
“I’m just a friend of Elias and Mitchell,” Jana said, and I felt a little relieved that was all she said. “There’s a party goin’ on Friday night on the river. Everybody’ll be there. You two should come.”
Bray looked over at me and relaxed her back against the cushioned booth seat again. She pursed her lips contemplatively.
“You want to go?” she asked me.
It felt like a dangerously loaded question that I wasn’t sure I should answer, but Bray really seemed interested.
“Oh come on,” Jana said, propping a hand on her hip. “We plan to spend the weekend out there. Bring a tent. Oh and it’s BYOB. Allan will be there, too, so you know what that means.” She glanced at me once, and Bray definitely noticed.
“We’ll be there,” Bray announced.
I just stayed quiet. Seemed like Bray had this secret duel going on with Jana and could handle herself. Besides, it felt safer to just stay quiet.
Women really do scare the shit out of me sometimes.
Jana smiled with teeth showing, and I briefly thought about my dick being in her mouth not long ago. I flinched inwardly as if Bray could read my mind or something.
“Awesome! I’ll see you then.” Jana smirked at me as she left our table.
“You definitely fucked her,” Bray said and took a bite of her mashed potatoes.
I felt my face stiffen.
She wasn’t angry or jealous, but she wasn’t going to hold back, either. This was Bray, after all, and I’d be worried if she didn’t say exactly what was on her mind.
I let out a small breath of laughter and picked my fork back up. “Yeah, though that’s all it was.”
“I know,” she said, smiled at me, and washed her food down with a drink of tea.
“How would you know that?” I was truly baffled, but didn’t doubt her for a second.
“Because that one was oozing fuck-me,” she said and took another small bite. She added with her mouth full, pointing her fork at me, “Nothing wrong with that if that’s what she wants to do. As long as she keeps her lips off you, we have no issue.”
“I think we’re good,” I said. “She’s kind of into Mitchell now, though I think it has more to do with him supplying her with drugs than with sex.”
Bray cocked an eyebrow. “Mitchell’s selling drugs?”
“Well, not exactly,” I said, lowering my voice because of the topic. “He started doing meth about a month ago. The two of them have been spending a lot of time together since…” I hesitated because I didn’t exactly want to bring up the fact that I’d slept with Jana the same day Bray came home. “Well, it’s been about two weeks now.”
“Why is this my first time seeing her?”
Bray was living with me in my apartment now. It took her five days to even let her family know she was back in Georgia. But that didn’t surprise me. I would never say it to Bray, but I knew her parents wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to bring her home to them.
“I kind of asked Mitchell to meet up with her somewhere other than my place.”
“Because of me?” Bray smiled knowingly.
“Yeah,” I admitted.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” she said, moving her hand underneath the table and rubbing it across my thigh. “I’m not going to freak out on you over old girlfriends or whatever. I never expected you to be celibate.”
Was this her way of clearing a path for me before I found out who she had slept with since we had been apart? In a way it felt like that, but at the same time, I knew she was being sincere about it, too. I can’t deny that I started wondering heavily about her sex life in that moment. Not that it would ever have made me love her less, but I still wanted to know.
“Who is Allan?” she asked.
Instinctively, I looked up and all around me to make sure no one was listening.
“He’s the drug dealer,” I whispered.
“Oh…” Bray looked at me warily. “And you know him how?”
“Everybody knows him,” I said. “But don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve only met him a few times.”
“Met as in bought from?” She grinned.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Nothing too bad, just some weed here and there.”
“Good,” she said. “Because I don’t deal with that meth stuff. Would hate to have to haul you off to the nearest rehab.”
“Hell no,” I said. “I’m with ya on that. I’m worried about Mitchell, though. I’ve tried to steer him clear of that shit, but he won’t listen to me.”
“I hate to say this, Elias, but if he doesn’t get help now, you’ll have to kick him out of your apartment. He’ll end up blowing up your kitchen, or taking you down with him when he gets busted.” She took a quick drink and set her glass back on the table. “Lissa’s brother’s friend in South Carolina was on meth pretty bad. They busted him before he blew his house up, but he was cooking that shit in his kitchen. It scares me.”
She was right. I hadn’t thought about it before, because Mitchell was my good friend and I never considered kicking him out. But when it comes to stuff like this, there are many more reasons not to have him living with me than there are to let him stay.
And I would never want to put Bray in any danger, either.
“I’ll talk to him tonight,” I said.
“Give him a chance, though,” she said. “Don’t just send him packing. He’ll probably blame it on me if you do that.”
And that was exactly what happened.
Later that night when Mitchell came home from wherever—I think he lost his job because of his habit, so I had no idea where he was spending his time during the day anymore—I tried talking to him.
“Mitch,” I said, hitting the Power button on the television remote. “I need to talk to you about something.”
His light-brown hair was dirty, thick with oil that kept his bangs from falling around his eyes like they naturally did. He was wearing the same Georgia Bulldogs T-shirt he had on yesterday. And the day before that.
I set the remote down on the coffee table and leaned forward in the recliner.
“Yeah, what’s up?” He plopped down on the sofa, stretching his legs across the cushions and crossing his ankles.
“I think you need to get some help, man. You’re really starting to worry me. You never sleep, and when you do it’s for two days straight. Did you lose your job?”
He wasn’t taking what I was saying seriously at first, or maybe he was just trying to brush it off, make it appear that it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. His head fell to the side so that he could see me and he reached out his hand. “Can you pass me the remote?”
I sighed, frustrated with him already. “No, Mitch, listen, I’m being serious here. You need to get some help. I’ll do whatever I can to help you, just name it. I’ll call around for a good rehab center, take you back and forth if you ever need me to. Whatever you need.”
“Rehab?” Mitchell spun around on the sofa and sat upright in an instant. His expression distorted with insult. “What the fuck are you talking about, rehab? You can’t be serious.”
I put up both hands in a surrendering fashion, trying to defuse the situation before it started. “I’m just trying to help you. If not rehab, then—”
“I don’t need your fucking help.” He stood up. “I’m not addicted to meth,” he lashed out, slashing his hand in the air in front of him. “I just do it every now and then. I can’t believe you’re even saying this shit to me. You’re no fucking angel.”
“I never claimed to be,” I said, getting pissed but keeping it contained. “But Mitch, your ‘every now and then’ is every day.”
I stood up then, too. “Look, if you won’t at least try to get some help, or get off that shit completely—drop it cold turkey if you’re not addicted—then I’m sorry, man, but you’re gonna have to find another place to live.”
His eyes grew as wide as plates.
Bray walked in the front door at that very moment.
“Hi, baby,” she said moving through the living room toward me and having no idea what was going on. She pushed up on her toes and pecked me on the lips.
Mitchell was glaring at us from behind her.
“Oh, I get it now,” he said, and Bray turned upon hearing the anger in his voice. “This is because of her.” He pointed at Bray once. “Little Miss Fucking Sunshine comes back to Georgia, moves in, and suddenly three’s a crowd.” His face contorted pathetically for a moment. “Seriously, man? You’re picking a piece of ass over your best friend? The pussy way out, man, that’s fucked up!”
I went toward him, both hands clenched into fists at my sides. Bray stepped in front of me and I stopped.
“Don’t talk about her like that, Mitch.” My jaw was clenched painfully and the blood rushed to my head. “You fucking know better. And besides, she’s always been my best friend. Not you.”
Mitchell smiled fiendishly and shook his head. He glanced back and forth between me and Bray. I was ready to knock him over the back of that sofa. One wrong word or syllable was all it was going to take. Bray knew it, too. She kept both hands pressed against my chest and her little body in my way, hoping it would be enough.
“Mitchell,” she said before he had a chance to say whatever it was he was smiling so cunningly about, “I don’t care if you stay here, and Elias knows this. This has nothing to do with me. We’re just worried. Meth is some bad shit.”
“You don’t know shit about me,” he said. “But I know about you. Ain’t that right?”
The tips of my fingers were digging into the palms of my hands. But I waited, hoping he wasn’t about to go the wrong way with this. I really didn’t want to hit him.
Mitchell smirked and went on, “See, she and I talked while she was living in South Carolina. Yeah. She told me all about that guy—” he snapped his fingers “—what was his name? Garrett? In fact, Bray called me several times. But she didn’t call you, did she? Not once. Some best friend.”
“I only called you to find out things about Elias!”
I still wanted to hit him, now more than before. But I also wanted to hear this.
Bray stepped away from me and started to go toward him, but I reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her back before she got too far.
But that didn’t stop her from shouting.
“You’re such a prick!” she roared. “Don’t you ever try to make what I did out to be something that it wasn’t!”
Mitchell threw his head back and laughed.
“A game-playing little bitch,” he said and before he could get the rest out, I was pushing Bray to the side and going toward him.
“Elias, don’t hit him!” Bray shouted at me from behind. “You know it’s the drugs!”
I shoved the coffee table out of my way and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and started pushing him toward the front door; his heels were partially dragging the carpet. By this time, I did want to hit him, more than anything, but I knew Bray was right.
“I can’t even believe you took her back after what she did!” he screamed in my face, the smell of his meth-breath whirling cruelly up into my nostrils. “All that time, Elias! That hell she put you through! All those times I listened to you talk about her, all that childhood stuff, the stupid fucking firefly story! She’s got you whipped!”
I shoved him right out the front door. He fell on his ass, but stayed there on the concrete screaming up at me, his long bangs now disheveled around his face despite the oil.
“Unfuckingbelievable! I thought you were better than that, bro,” he said.
“Your shit will be on the sidewalk by tonight,” I said, glaring down at him. “Don’t ever fucking come in here again. You understand? After you get your shit, that’s it. Don’t come back here or I’ll beat the fuck out of you.”
“Whatever, man,” he said and pushed himself to his feet. “At least give me my car keys.”
I looked over my shoulder at Bray and she went into the living room, coming back seconds later with his keys in her hand. Mitchell reached out for them, but I took them from her instead and pushed her carefully behind me.
“Don’t go near her ever again. Not for anything.”
I dropped the keys in his hand.
“Yeah, fuck you,” he said casually and turned and walked toward his car.
“I’m so sorry,” Bray said after I shut the front door.
She stepped up to me, clasping her fingers gently around my hands at my sides.
“I did not expect it to go down like that,” I said, looking toward the wall, thinking about Mitchell.
“He’ll come around,” she said. “He’s just not right in the head.”
“I know.”
Bray helped me pack up all of Mitchell’s things, which wasn’t much, just boxes of his clothes and movies and CDs. Thankfully, the only furniture in the apartment that was his was a small TV stand and a bar stool from Dickey’s Bar and Grill that he bought at an auction after Dickey’s closed down. We carried everything outside and set it near the front door instead of on the sidewalk. I didn’t want anything to get stolen or rained on.
But two days came and went, and Mitchell never came back to get it.
Chapter Seven (#ulink_47079c05-8542-585d-b9cb-6d4ad39cf111)
Bray
Elias took the falling-out with Mitchell really hard the first few days. It was only to be expected, since they had known each other even longer than we had known each other. Despite everything, Elias knew that it wasn’t his fault, and he wasn’t going to sit around and blame himself. Mitchell had brought this all on himself. Eventually, Elias went from feeling bad about what happened to indifferent.
He still had me, after all.
By Friday night, we were debating whether to go to the river or not, because Mitchell would almost definitely be there.
“I say we go, Elias. Don’t let him ruin our good time.”
Elias kissed me on the forehead and squeezed me around the waist as I sat straddled on his lap.
“OK. We’ll go. Just stay away from him, all right?”
I draped my arms around his neck and then kissed his lips. “I’ll be too busy with you to worry about him,” I said suggestively.
Elias smiled and squeezed my butt in his hands. “How did we get like this?” he asked, studying my face and my lips.
“It was inevitable,” I said in a quiet voice. My fingers touched the contours of his cheekbones and probed him as if he were a beautiful, delicate statue. He hadn’t shaved in a while, but I found the growing stubble sexy on him.
“Do you remember our first kiss?” he asked, smiling at me.
“Of course I do,” I said. “The first night we met.”
He shook his head and his hands slid up my back.
“No, I mean the first real kiss.”
I swallowed hard. On the inside I was screaming as another memory infected my thoughts in that moment, but on the outside, I looked as blissful as he did.
“Yes. I remember,” I said distantly.
Elias’ blue eyes softened, not sensing the turmoil going on inside of me. I was thankful for that.
“I’ve always wondered about that day,” he said. “When you asked me to kiss you, did you really just want to practice? Be honest.”
I swallowed again and my hands began to shake. I steadied them, interlacing my fingers around the back of his neck. The memory of our first kiss was one of my most cherished. I would never forget it. But the other, more solemn memory that always came with it nowadays was what I couldn’t bear.
“I did want to practice,” I answered, hiding the pain in my heart. “But it was just an excuse. I really just wanted you to kiss me.”
Elias’s smile widened. And then he touched his lips to mine, slowly brushing the tip of his tongue between them. I wilted in his arms.
He made love to me that morning before we packed the car and headed to the river. And I noticed—very hard not to—something about Elias that I never expected, but that drove me absolutely mad for him. Every time we would have sex, he was different, he would feel different. Sometimes aggressive, sometimes explorative, though it seemed like he was holding something back. I had been with several guys, but none of them had anything on Elias. Sex with him was never the same. He was focused, determined, meticulous, and experienced. And each time I went in, I found myself wondering what he was going to do to me this time. Just anticipating it was thrilling. And sometimes scary. In a good way.
For the first time in my life I didn’t feel wrong about the way I was inside. I didn’t feel ashamed. But instead, I felt like I could almost be myself completely with Elias. But only almost. I wasn’t ready yet to lay something like that on him. I was afraid of making him look at me differently, or lose respect for me.
Because the truth was, I was addicted to sex.
I wanted it all the time. In every way. On the outside I was a seemingly innocent girl by today’s standards. Before Elias, whenever I would have sex with guys, I always felt ashamed afterward. I didn’t want any of them, sexually or otherwise. I wanted Elias in every way imaginable.
Now that I had him and was picking up these familiar sexual vibes from him, my mind began to spin with the possibilities.
Were Elias and I more alike than we ever knew? Was that even possible? Was Elias just as addicted to sex as I was?
By this time, even without knowing the answers to those questions yet, I thought that life really couldn’t get any better. We were in complete and absolute love, finally living the dream with one another that we had always dreamed about. There was so much to do, so many things about ourselves and about life to explore together, and we had our whole lives ahead of us in which to do it.
But on the night of April 20, everything we knew would change, and that life together we had waited so long to have would come crashing down around us like some cruel fucking joke.
* * *
We made it to the secluded party spot on the river just after dark. It was getting slightly cooler as the night approached, but that never stopped anyone we knew from swimming. Summer in Georgia wasn’t officially here, but it might as well have been.
There were a lot of people at the river, some I knew, most I didn’t. Tents had been pitched throughout the woods, spaced far enough apart for privacy. Two separate campfires burned, and people sat around each of them talking and drinking. The smell of pot filled the air. Not even two minutes in, as Elias and I carried in our camping gear, a group of people offered us a joint. We stopped and took a hit before heading into the woods to stake our claim on a spot for the weekend.
“I haven’t seen him yet,” I said about Mitchell as I set our ice chest down beside a tree.
Elias unzipped the tent bag and started setting up. “Well, maybe we’ll get lucky and he won’t show.”
“Hopefully,” I said.
After we were satisfied with our setup, we walked through the trees the short distance back to the main camp, where everyone was sitting. Music was playing from a portable radio, but the river was so close that it nearly drowned out the music coming from the tiny speakers.
We sat down next to a couple and immediately the guy passed a joint to Elias. Elias took a long hit and shotgunned it to me, exhaling it into my mouth. My eyes watered and burned a little, but at that point I didn’t care.
“I’m tellin’ ya, man,” another guy to our left said in a half-joking manner, “once you get married, it all goes to shit. Should jus’ keep things like they are.” The guy took a hit and let the smoke trickle out of his lips and funnel back through his nostrils.
“He would know,” the blonde-haired girl sitting next to him said. She took the joint from him and put it to her lips, pressed between the tips of her thumb and index finger. “My dear idiot brother here has been married twice.” Her voice strained and cracked as she held the smoke deep in her lungs. “Was with his ex for six years. Perfect together. Got married and—” she snapped her fingers “—poof! Instant destruction of a perfectly good relationship.”
Laughter ripped through the air.
Elias pulled me from beside him and over between his legs, wrapping his arms around me from behind. I could tell he wasn’t paying any attention to the conversations going on around us. Not the one about that guy’s bad luck with marriages, or the one on the other side of us about some girl’s recent endometriosis diagnosis. He was enjoying his high, and I was enjoying mine with him.
We zoned out for a while, me sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest. We listened mostly to the mix of the radio and the nearby river, which somehow blended harmoniously. Being high has many strange and unexpected perks. After a couple of hours, most of our company either went swimming, or drank too much then hit their tents to pass out.
Elias nuzzled his mouth at the back of my neck. My body folded forward, attacked by a tickling sensation that raced down my spine.
“Want to go for a swim?” he asked, then whispered hotly into my ear, “Or, you can go to the tent with me.”
I giggled and tilted my head to one side, exposing my neck to his mouth. He dragged his teeth across the skin, raising chill bumps all over my body.
“Why don’t we do both?” I suggested and licked his tongue playfully with the tip of mine.
He smiled and drew his head back. “You want to swim in the tent?”
I teasingly elbowed him in the ribs. “No,” I said and turned around on my knees to face him. I leaned inward toward his ear, bit his earlobe, and said, “You can fuck me in the water.”
And that was just what we were doing when Jana and Mitchell finally made their grand appearance.
Mitchell jumped off a rock several feet high into the water not far from us. It scared the crap out of me, but Elias was so close to getting off that he wasn’t about to let something like that stop him. It was always harder to get off when under water, so the thirty minutes we spent with my legs wrapped around his waist and him slowly thrusting in and out of me wasn’t going to be for nothing.
Elias grabbed me closer, one arm around my back, the other positioned partway in between my butt cheeks, and held me still when I startled.
“Ignore him,” he said, staring deeply into my eyes, his face just mere inches from mine, as he tried to stay focused.
He never took his eyes off mine. It made me insanely crazy for him. I pushed my bikini-covered breasts firmly against his rock-hard chest and kissed him. He devoured my mouth, pushing in and out of me beneath the water the whole time. Water dripped from his lips and his cheeks and I licked it off of him. The gesture made him thrust deeper, his fingers digging painfully into my back.
“Oh look,” I heard Mitchell say, “It’s my best friend. Who kicked me out for a girl.”
Elias’s concentration was unshaken. I, on the other hand, was getting pissed. And a little worried someone—mainly Mitchell—would notice what we were doing. He certainly didn’t need any more fuel for the fire he started.
Jana jumped into the water next, thankfully slightly farther away from us than Mitchell had.
“Come on, Mitchell,” I heard her say. I never looked away from Elias’s eyes. “Don’t do that shit here. You’ll ruin everyone’s night, not just theirs.”
The two of them swam away in the opposite direction and left us alone.
But apparently Mitchell’s presence and misplaced grudge against Elias, instead of the apology Elias had been hoping he’d get if he saw Mitchell tonight, was too much of a distraction. He pulled out of me without getting off and then hugged me.
“I’m sorry,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
“What are you apologizing to me for?” I kissed his lips. “He’s a fucking asshole. Enough to kill anyone’s buzz or orgasm.” I brought my hand out of the water and flicked droplets at his face. “You can finish with me later. However you want it.”
For a second, it seemed Elias was just going to smile and join in with my impish gestures, but I saw something shift in his eyes when I said that last part. He looked at me with a deep curiosity.
“However I want it?” he asked, searching for further explanation.
I rested three of my fingers on his nose and then dragged them down his face and onto his lips, where he kissed each one individually.
“Yeah,” I responded coyly. “You know you can do anything you want to me, right?”
He still looked incredibly curious, that sidelong look in his darkening gaze, but I could sense that he was as afraid to come out and say what he was thinking as much as I was. We were still feeling each other out. Testing those boundaries. Hoping that there were no boundaries. But we were each afraid of scaring the other one off. We should’ve known that nothing could ever do that. It would’ve saved us a lot of pent-up sexual frustration a lot earlier on.
A giant gush of water covered us like an angry ocean wave. Elias and I broke apart from each other’s grasp. I couldn’t see; the water burned my eyes as well as my nostrils and the back of my throat.
“What the fuck, man?!” I heard Elias shout.
I pushed the heavy, wet hair back away from my face and finally got my eyes open. I saw Elias first, and he had a murderous look on his face. I swam back over to him and draped my arms over the back of his shoulders, wrapping my legs around him from behind.
Mitchell was grinning enormously, proud that he’d splashed us.
“Let’s just go to our tent,” I said.
He ignored me. “You’re twenty-seven years old, man,” he snapped at Mitchell. “A little old to be acting like that, don’t you think?”
“Seriously, baby, let’s just go.”
Mitchell laughed and laid on his back, floating on top of the surface. He spit water into the air. Jana, floating upright next to him, dodged it and made a face. Mitchell didn’t say anything else, but there was no shortage of spiteful looks exchanged as Elias and I left the water and got as far away from him as we could.
“We can go home if you want,” Elias said to me. He pushed back a low-hanging tree branch to clear the path for me, and his other hand rested on my lower back.
“No,” I said. “I want to stay. Screw him. I can’t believe he’s even acting like that. I feel like we’re back in junior high school.”
“Well, it’s like you said, it’s the drugs. He’s definitely not himself.”
We made our way up the rocky path leading back to our tent, hand in hand. But before we got there, my left flip-flop broke.
“Shit.” I bent over to fool with the strip between my toes, trying to make it hold long enough so I could walk the rest of the way through the woods.
Elias lifted me up, swung me around on his back, carried me the rest of the way. My arms were hooked around his neck and his were hooked around my thighs. We hung out at the tent for a long time, but neither of us could sleep. We had uncomfortable sex inside the tent, and then we talked for a while until we decided to explore the bluffs. I “borrowed” a passed-out girl’s flip-flops from another tent nearby, and Elias and I headed deeper into the woods.
Chapter Eight (#ulink_a544c3bf-4385-5016-a510-23b370dc0c94)
Bray
“What if we get lost?” I asked, gripping Elias’s hand. “We didn’t exactly bring any survival gear.”
“We’re not going far,” he said. “I saw a ridge when we were swimming. People were hanging out on top of it.” He pointed. “It’s just up ahead. Jared and a few of the other guys went this way to get to it.”
I had seen it, too, and wondered how everybody got over there.
After several more minutes of pushing our way between trees and bushes and stepping over dead branches and stray rocks, we emerged from the woods into a clearing at the top of the ridge that overlooked the river many feet below. A campfire had burned here recently; I could smell the leftover heat and smoke still rising from the charcoaled sticks on the small pile. A few empty beer bottles were strewn about the ground.
We walked to the edge of the ridge and looked out at the river; the moonlight was reflected off the water like hundreds of little diamonds. Some of our friends were still in the river below, floating on small plastic rafts, but it was fairly quiet everywhere, as the party had begun to die down for the night.
I sat down near the edge of the ridge and drew my knees toward my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. The breeze blew through my hair, and I closed my eyes and raised my chin to the sky, taking in the tranquility of the night.
Elias sat down next to me, propping his wrists on his bent knees. “I almost went to South Carolina after you,” he said.
I glanced over. He was looking out at the water. “Why didn’t you?” I asked.
“Mitchell told me you were engaged.”
I started to turn to him, shocked by what I’d heard, but I realized it didn’t surprise me much. “Well, he lied,” I said in a calm voice instead. After a pause, I added, “I wish you would’ve come after me anyway.”
Elias looked right at me, the emotion in his eyes pulling me in. The breeze brushed through the messy dark hair that framed his beautiful, stubbly face. “I know,” he said and looked away. “And you should’ve called me instead of Mitchell.” There was no blame or resentment in his voice.
“I know,” I said.
“I guess there are a lot of things we could’ve and should’ve done differently,” he said. “But you came back regardless. And we’re together now, despite all of that. And that has to count for something.”
Silence fell between us for a moment, giving us both time to reflect.
“Did you love her?” I asked about Aline, and I knew there was no need to clarify who I was talking about. I knew enough about her from Mitchell.
“Yeah,” he said and I felt an uncomfortable twinge in my stomach. “But she wasn’t you. I can love a lot of people. Aline. My parents. Hell, even Mitch’s dumb ass. But I could never love anyone the way I love you.”
The twinge softened and became something warm.
“Did you love him?” Elias asked.
“No,” I answered honestly. “I, uh…” I sighed and looked out ahead of me again. “I think I used him,” I admitted to Elias and to myself. And while I felt like a horrible person for it, suddenly I felt the need to spill the truth because I had been holding this inside for so long.
I went on:
“Even before I left, before we got together on your twenty-second birthday, every guy I was with, I think deep down was a substitute for you. It’s why none of them lasted, why I couldn’t date anyone for more than two months. I told you before, Elias, I was always scared of being with you. Of ruining what we had.”
“I know,” he said, but it was all that he said. I got the sense he wanted me to continue.
And so I did. I took another deep breath and began to tap my fingers against my knees out of nervousness.
“Lissa introduced me to Garrett,” I said. “He was a friend of her brother’s. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me, or how I managed to stay with him for a year, but I did. I didn’t love him, but I guess I needed him. He wasn’t you, but he was there.”
And I needed sex, I wanted to say, but couldn’t. I didn’t want to sleep around with a bunch of different guys, so I found one and stuck with him. I used him for sex. I used him to pretend that he was you. I used him. I’m awful.
I couldn’t say these things out loud. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad that every word was on my tongue, pushing against the back of my teeth. I needed to get the truth out—about Garrett, about all of the other guys after him—to feel the impending relief. But I was still scared. I knew that I could trust Elias more than anyone in this world, that Elias would stand behind me no matter my flaws. But it was a double-edged knife, because I was terrified of losing that one person. And I had seen people lose others over much less.
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” he said, surprising me.
My gut twisted in knots.
“You know you can always tell me anything,” he went on, but I couldn’t look at him. “There is absolutely nothing you could ever say or do that would make me leave you.”
He knew I was hiding things from him, and he was desperate to know my secrets. And I was desperate to tell him. But he didn’t want to push me. He wanted me to tell him when I was ready, but he was letting me know that it would be OK.
And I believed him. I looked over, into his eyes, and he smiled warmly back at me.
I was going to tell him right then. Suddenly, it felt right. That small window a person is given in which to say or do something they’ve always been afraid to had opened up for me in that moment. I felt elated and alive and longed to not feel suffocated anymore by the weight I carried on my chest.
But the window closed too quickly, and I shut down.
It was as if he could sense it right away, too, because I saw the hope and determination in his eyes fade seconds after the window closed. But he wasn’t mad. Disappointed, yes, but never mad at me. That only made me love him more.
He reached out his hand and cupped the back of my neck, pulling my head toward him. He pressed his lips to my forehead.
“Y’know, I think I’d rather sleep up here than in that stuffy tent,” I said after a minute of quiet.
Elias pursed his lips and thought about it, then his head bobbed in agreement. “Not a bad idea,” he said and stood up. “Let’s go back and get the blankets.” He reached out his hand to me.
“I can wait here,” I said. “Unless you want me to go with you.”
“No, I can go,” he said. “It’s not that far. I’ll be right back.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the lips, then walked across the opening and disappeared among the trees.
It was so peaceful sitting on the top of the ridge all alone, looking out at the dark landscape and how the river snaked a path through the trees below. I gazed up at the sky and closed my eyes again to savor the wind on my face. It had been a long time since I felt this free, not since I was kid. I hated that with growing up came the knowledge that life won’t always be like it was when we were children. I wished we could just grow backward.
I heard footsteps behind me coming from the trees, and I thought initially that Elias was back sooner than expected. Two figures emerged from the woods far away from where Elias had gone back in.
As the two moved closer into the moonlight, I saw that the skinny blonde-haired one was Jana. The other was a girl with supershort black hair whom I had never seen before.
I stood up as Jana stumbled toward me, the black-haired girl following close behind.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” I thought I heard Jana say, but I wasn’t completely sure, as her words were slurred and choppy.
She was clearly drunk. And maybe high on something, too. Her more so than her friend, who didn’t have any trouble standing up straight.
“Are you all right?” I asked, peering at Jana.
Her black bikini top sat sloppily over her breasts, barely containing them. The straps were left untied from around her neck and hung freely. She had on a pair of men’s shorts, and she wore no shoes. I noticed one of her big toes was bleeding.
“I’m fanfuckingtastic,” she said with a big drunken smile. “Hey, aren’t you Elias’s girlfriend?” Her finger unfolded from her hand and pointed at me shakily.
Then she looked over at her friend and said, “This was the girl I was telling you about.”
Jana stumbled again and almost fell. I grabbed her instinctively and held her up by the elbow, but she shoved my hand away. “I got this,” she snapped. “Don’t… I’m great, I told you.”
I didn’t really want to help her anyway, so I was happy to let go.
“Yes, I’m Elias’s girlfriend,” I finally answered.
She attempted a grin, but it was quickly overrun by the lazy fluttering of her eyelids as though she was struggling to keep her eyes open.
“He’s a good lay,” she said to me and then smiled at the black-haired girl, who looked bored, or just ready to get back to the party rather than stand up here with the two of us.
I gritted my teeth at Jana’s comment but held my composure.
Jana laughed and almost fell over again. This time I didn’t try to stop her. I wanted her to fall.
“They both fucked me at the same time,” she added, that grin finally winning its battle with the inevitable unconsciousness. But she didn’t seem to be gloating about it, just reminiscing a little too openly. “Him and Mitchell. God damn.” Then she looked right at me and pointed again. “Have you done them both? Surely you have, since you lived with them and all.” She said it so casually, as if she and I were talking about what to have for breakfast. Clearly she wouldn’t be saying these things if she wasn’t so messed up. No, I take that back—she definitely would.
“Ummm, no, I haven’t,” I answered, trying to stay calm when really what I wanted to do was hit her in the fucking mouth.
“Let’s go back to the fire,” the black-haired girl said.
“Well, you should,” Jana said to me, ignoring the girl’s suggestion. Her upper body swayed backward slightly like a tower hit by a gust of wind.
Then she stuck her finger in my face. “Hey. Oh my God!” Her breath was rancid. “We could totally have a foursome. You game? Or shit, a fivesome!” She pointed at the girl and the girl’s face soured. “Wait”—she had a dumb moment look on her face all of a sudden—“that’s an orgy, right?”
I swallowed hard and took a step back away from her. “No,” I said. “I think I’ll fucking pass.”
“Uh, yeah, me too,” the black-haired girl said. “Jana, I think you need to find your tent and sleep it off. Seriously.”
“Fine. Whatever,” Jana said, but she wasn’t responding to the girl. She was still talking to me. Her eyelids started getting heavy again. “Probably better, anyway. I think I fucked up when I screwed them. I mean it wasn’t that long ago, but I think I might be pregnant with your boyfriend’s baby.”
The breeze burned my eyes as they widened and I sucked in a sharp breath. “What the hell did you say?”
The black-haired girl shook her head and took a step back. “I’ll see you later. No bitch drama for me tonight.” And then she walked off toward the path that Elias took and left Jana and me standing alone.
Jana’s head swiveled on her shoulders and she tried to stifle a laugh, pressing the side of her index finger against her lips.
Now she was gloating.
“Yeah, I’m like five days late,” she said twirling a hand in the air, pleased to be filling my head with this information. “And I’m never late. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m knocked up.”
I punched her right between the eyes and her head snapped backward. I don’t know how she managed to stay on her feet that time. It was an uncontrollable reaction to hit her, in retaliation to her taunting me about it. I regretted it a second after I pulled my fist back. My knuckles stung painfully.
With her hand cupping her nose, she just laughed.
“For your sake,” I said with anger rising in my voice, “you better hope that’s not true.”
I started to walk away, back through the clearing and toward the trees. She followed.
“Or what?” she mocked me. “You won’t do shit except babysit our kid on the weekends. Fuck you.” She laughed.
I kept walking toward the trees, but I was blinded by anger and hatred and so many other emotions that I didn’t realize I was walking in the wrong direction, more toward the area Jana had come from rather than to where Elias had gone.
She kept following me, and I kept walking. All the while, she yelled curses at me and taunted me. Tears streamed down my face. My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands, almost breaking the skin. I couldn’t get the images out of my head: her pregnant with Elias’s baby, him divided between the two of us, him leaving me to be with her, thinking he was only doing the right thing. I even saw him marrying her. Their life together flashed before my eyes, and before I knew it I was standing at the edge of a ravine. I had taken a wrong turn at some point, and the only way back was past Jana, who was closing in on me from behind with her hateful, spiteful words and that laughter in her voice that made me want to kill her. Figuratively, of course.
“Move!” I said, turning to face her. I went to push my way past her, but she grabbed me by the arm.
“Fucking move!” I roared.
A white-hot pain seared through the side of my head. I spun on one heel and fell backward, tripping over a rock. Before I could get to my feet, I reached up and touched the side of my face where she had hit me, letting the realization of what she did sink in. Then I sprung to my feet and was mere seconds from beating the shit out of her. I was in her face, our noses practically touching, my hands clenched into fists at my sides.
But I couldn’t bring myself to hit her again. If she was pregnant, I couldn’t hit her because I felt like I’d be hitting that baby, too. I hated her. I fucking hated that bitch for coming into my life and ruining what Elias and I had gone through so much together to have. But I couldn’t hit her back. I started to walk away, but she grabbed me from behind, both of her hands winding tightly in the back of my hair. She became violent, like an animal, so quickly it made my head spin. She screamed something I didn’t understand, and all I could do was try to pry her hands off me.
Finally, I managed to whirl around at her, flinging her hands away and into the air above her.
“GET! OFF!” I wailed and pushed her in a last desperate attempt to be free of her.
She stumbled backward.
I froze and watched in absolute horror as she missed the tree, tripped over her own feet, and fell right off the side of the ravine.
Through the seemingly infinite silence that suddenly consumed me, I heard her body hit the rocks below with a stomach-turning crunch.
I stopped breathing in that moment. No, everything stopped in that moment. The wind. The sky. The river. The world. Everything….
Chapter Nine (#ulink_b23dd525-d99f-526b-bfc0-c2a546edc8af)
Elias
When I made my way back to the top, I found Bray wasn’t sitting near the edge of the ridge where I had left her I moved farther out into the clearing with our blankets draped over one shoulder.
“Bray?” I said, looking around.
I brushed it off for a second, thinking she was probably just taking a piss behind a tree somewhere, and I set our blankets on the ground.
But then I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I walked quickly toward the edge and looked over. My heart started to bang against my rib cage. I peered down as far as my sight could penetrate the darkness, but took a step back upon realizing that if she had fallen there was no way I’d be able to see from way up here.
She had to be somewhere around close by. She had to be.
“Bray?” I called out again. “Where the hell did you go?”
Still no answer.
Panic set in quickly. I stood there as still and as quiet as I could for several long seconds in case she was coming through the woods, but I heard nothing. I arranged both hands around my mouth and shouted, “BRAY!” and my voice echoed through the wide-open space. But still nothing. I felt sick to my stomach. She wouldn’t have left like that way out here. And if she did, I would’ve seen her on the path coming down as I was making my way back up.
I ran toward the tree line, searching for any sign of her, for another path she might have taken. I refused to believe that she had fallen off the edge.
Just as I noticed another path through the woods that seemed to head south and I started to go toward it, I heard footfalls in the leaves. I didn’t wait to see if it was her, I ran blindly straight into the woods. A skinny branch slapped me across the forehead on my way, but I didn’t stop.
Bray and I nearly crashed into each other.
“Shit, baby! Where the hell did you go? Scared the hell out of me!” I started to pull her into a hug, but something about her was off and I stopped. She didn’t respond or even raise her head to look at me.
“Are you all right?”
I took her hands into mine. Hers were shaking. Her whole body was shaking.
I cupped her face in my palms and raised her head so that she’d look at me. She was crying, and something in her eyes… I couldn’t place it, but it haunted me. I wondered if she even knew I was standing right in front of her. Her hair was messy, with pieces of leaves stuck within a mass of strands. Dirt was smeared across her left cheek. She looked like she’d been in a fight.
I touched her split lip, where a thin line of blood glistened near the corner. “Bray, you’re scaring me. What happened to you?” I shook her gently and then more aggressively when she still didn’t respond. “What happened? Talk to me!”
Her lips trembled and more tears seeped from the corners of her eyes. And then as if a floodgate had been opened, she started screaming through her tears, “It was my fault! Elias! Oh my God!”
“What happened?” I roared, scared for her and for myself, my heart about to burst through my chest.
“Jana!” her voice trembled and she began to stutter. “Sh-she fell. Jana f-fell. Right off the cliff!”
“What?” I said, suddenly almost completely calm. I don’t think what she had just said registered in my mind yet.
Then suddenly, it did register and my heart stopped.
I crouched down in front of her, squeezed her trembling hands within mine, and I looked up into her reddened, tear-soaked eyes as she stood before me.
“Bray, look at me. Look at me.” She did. “Are you sure?”
She nodded in an unsteady, jerking motion. The tears never stopped flowing. Her pretty face distorted with every kind of pain and anguish and guilt that a person could possibly feel at once.
“Show me,” I said with intent, trying to contain the dread and panic. “Take me to where it happened.”
She shook her head at first but then nodded. “OK.”
I followed close beside her as she led me through the woods toward the edge of a ravine not even two minutes from the clearing. I held her hand tight as I stepped to the edge and looked over. The drop was no more than fifty or sixty feet, where I could clearly see Jana’s body splayed out on the rocks.
“Holy shit….”
Bray ruptured into heartrending sobs, and she buried her face in her hands. I seized her and pulled her harshly against my chest, squeezing my arms tight around her shaking body, my hands holding fast to her head.
“Shhh, baby please, stop crying. Listen to me. We have to go down there. We have make sure. Can you do that? Bray, can you help me?” I tried my best to calm her down. I held her gaze until she seemed fully coherent and cooperative. I wiped the tears from her cheeks.
She nodded slowly.
“We’ll figure this out, OK? Now let’s go.”
It took us what felt like a very long time, thirty minutes at least, to find the easiest way partway down the ravine and to Jana’s body. And once we got there, I knew before we even got close enough to see if she was breathing, that she dead.
Jana was dead. Jana was dead.
The words kept running through my mind, over and over again like a broken record. I think for two minutes straight I had an out-of-body experience, because nothing around me felt real. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the body. The rock beneath her head was painted with glistening red that appeared black in the darkness. Jana’s eyes were open, staring up at the sky, lifeless and empty, though still full of something… they were full of the truth of what happened. I finally looked at Bray standing next to me, on the verge of full-blown traumatization. At any moment she was going to crack. She was going to slip into oblivion, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to pull her out of it.
I pulled her against me again, even tighter this time, and felt her ribs moving against mine. “Stay with me,” I said. “We’re going to figure this out. Do you understand?”
And I held her there. We stood together next to the body.
I thought of my mother and the things she always said to me when I was growing up: Always do what you know in your heart is right. No matter what, Elias.
And I wept going over those words in my mind. I cried and shook and lost myself as much as Bray had done for a moment, crushing her against me, never wanting to let her go. But finally, I pulled Bray away from my chest and clasped my hands around her upper arms. “Baby, look at me and tell me… swear to me… that this was an accident.”
She fell to her knees on the cool rock and I went down with her.
“Please, Bray, tell me the truth.”
“It was an accident! I swear! I pushed her off of me, but she stumbled back too far and tripped and went over the edge! I didn’t think I’d pushed her hard enough! I didn’t want to push her off!” She screamed every word at me but it felt more like she was trying to convince herself, to make herself understand what just happened. Her face was stricken by pain. So much pain. Her fists were clenched against her thighs.
I tried to grab her head, but she jostled herself to the side and started puking on the damp bank next to the rock we stood on. I pulled her hair back and away from her shoulders and held her loosely around the waist while she threw up. She cried so much that her voice was strained when she tried to speak between vomiting intervals. “I didn’t mean—” and she’d vomit before she could get the rest of the words out. “I wasn’t try—”
Finally, she fell against my body when she couldn’t puke anymore, and I enveloped her in my arms and rocked her gently, brushing her hair away from her forehead.
“I-I don’t want to go to prison,” she said. “They’ll send me to prison, Elias. I can’t prove it was an accident. Elias, they’ll charge me with murder.” Her voice started to rise again and her body became stiff in my arms. “Please don’t let them take me to prison!”
She was crying heavily again.
“Shhh… that’s not going to happen. You can tell them the truth. Just tell the truth and this will work out. I have to believe that.”
I didn’t believe that…
“No, Elias,” she cried. “They won’t believe me. People know you slept with her. Mitchell knows. I’m the new girlfriend. People will assume. And…” She stopped cold.
“And what?”
Her hands were trembling harder.
“Bray, what is it?”
“She… she told me she thought she might’ve been pregnant.” She hesitated again. She didn’t want to finish. “With your baby.”
I froze.
“That’s ridiculous,” I said. “I-I mean, it’s not impossible, but I used protection. It wasn’t even that long ago.” My head was spinning now with the possibilities, my heart a heavy, uneven series of beats. I was almost as traumatized as Bray was at this point. “How would she even know something like that so early? I used a condom. It didn’t break. If she was pregnant, I doubt it was mine. Possible, but unlikely.” I was rambling now. Nervous as hell that something like that could’ve been true.
“She was just fucking with you,” I added, completely believing that, because it was the only thing that made sense.
“It doesn’t matter, Elias. She’s dead and I was the last one to be seen with her! There was a girl here with her just before it happened! And I, more than anyone out here, had motive. They won’t believe it was an accident! They’ll crucify me!” She buried her face in my chest, her fingers digging into the back of my neck.
I decided to do the right thing, just like my mother always said. In that moment, it was the right thing to do…
“Let’s go,” I said, pulling her to her feet. “We have to get out of here.”
Bray looked at me with confusion in her eyes, but it took all of two seconds for her to understand and follow me. We found our way back to the ridge in the clearing. We didn’t speak, overwhelmed by what had happened and exhausted by the uphill climb. I held her hand tight the whole way, afraid to let her go for even a second.
I was afraid to let her go…
I grabbed our blankets from the ground and tossed them over my shoulder.
Finally, I spoke. “Now listen to me, OK?”
She nodded.
“When we go back to the main camp we have to act normal. Hopefully no one will notice us, but if they do we have to act normal.”
“Are we leaving… now?” she asked nervously.
“Yes,” I said. “If they find her while we’re still here…” I stopped. I sighed. But I had to be truthful with her. “Bray, I’m not confident enough to believe that you won’t break down in front of everyone. We can’t stay here for that. Do you understand?”
She nodded again. “But it won’t be normal for us to leave in the middle of the night,” she pointed out.
I hadn’t thought of that. A heavy breath rattled through my chest. I looked out toward the ridge for a moment.
In the end, I could think of nothing. Nothing was going to make this better. I knew deep in my gut that unless she turned herself in, that if I didn’t talk her into doing the right thing, that from this point on everything would just get worse.
I pushed myself away from her and threw the blankets on the ground in a rage. “AHHH!” I shouted, balling my fists beside me, my arms bent upward. I went to the edge of the ridge. “God damn it!” My hands gripped the back of my head and I just stood there like that, staring into the dark sky.
Bray came up behind me. I felt her hands slip around my waist from behind, the softness of her cheek pressed against my bare back.
“I won’t turn myself in,” she said softly, as if she knew what I was thinking. “Elias, I know in my heart that this will be the end of us. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you, of being taken away from you and put away. Haven’t we been apart long enough?”
Those last words wrenched my heart. My fingers dug in between hers against my stomach. I choked back the tears.
“If you don’t want to leave with me,” she continued, “I’ll understand. It’s probably better that you don’t. Because this wasn’t your fault. You don’t need to ruin your life because of me. But I want you to know—”
“I’m not going to leave you,” I stopped her, turning around to face her. “I’m not going to lose you. It’s you and me, it always has been. It always will be.”
I smashed my lips against her forehead.
We made it out of the camp that night without a scene. Only one person stopped us to ask why we were leaving, and Bray pretended to be sick. It wasn’t hard for her to pull off especially since she looked like she had been to hell and back. And she smelled faintly of vomit.
It was daylight when we arrived back at my apartment. Everything was different. The way the early morning sun hung over the trees and how it always made the wind chimes hanging outside my neighbor’s front door glisten and sparkle. The sunrise seemed darker; the reflected light on the shiny metal trinkets, lifeless. I didn’t hear any birds. I had always heard birds chirping in the early morning, but not this morning. Maybe they were there, carrying on like they always did, but I didn’t hear them. Even the paint on the apartment walls appeared dull and faded. The comfort I always felt when I’d walk through my front door after work was replaced with something ominous. Nothing was the same and it never would be again.
Bray and I knew that skipping town would would look suspicious, and put us on the police’s radar. But we also knew that it didn’t matter much at this point, because what we had already done was enough to make us the number one suspects. The motives that Bray pointed out. Mitchell having it in for me and knowing everything about those motives. Us leaving the camp before the first night was over. It didn’t matter what we did from that moment on. We just knew that we had to get away. We hoped that maybe Jana’s body wouldn’t be discovered. It was our only way out.
Of course, the bodies are almost always found, sooner or later. And since we didn’t try to hide it and left it out in the open, I knew too that “sooner” would trump “later.”
Chapter Ten (#ulink_b48491d8-1adc-54c0-9187-15f5afc565a3)
Elias
We drove southeast toward the ocean and wound up in Savannah. Things quieted down while we were on the road. We sat mostly in silence for the four-hour drive, but every now and then one of us would bring up the what-ifs and the maybes, which always rendered us silent again, left us to think heavily about this ever-expanding web of disorder we were creating for ourselves. One question would produce three more, but never any answers. By the time we found a small shithole of a motel to stay in, we had exhausted the topic. For a short while, anyway.
I chose this motel, likely the first choice of hookers and drug dealers, because it was one of the few that accepted cash and didn’t care if I’d “lost” my driver’s license.
The only thing that worried me as I stood at the front desk waiting to get my room key was that I was already in fugitive mode. It was like something was triggered in my brain that told me that we had to be careful in everything we did. Use fake names. Pay only with cash. Don’t call home. Don’t answer the phone when home calls us. And we hadn’t even officially been targeted as suspects yet. Hell, we didn’t know if Jana’s body had even been found.
“I’m starving,” Bray said, sitting down on the end of the bed.
“I’ll get us something,” I said. “There’s a few fast-food restaurants farther down the road.”
She reached out to me, and I took her hand and crouched on the floor in front of her. She brushed her fingers across my unshaven face. I kissed them.
“I love you,” she said with a weak smile. She was exhausted. Physically and mentally. We both were.
I raised up on my toes enough to reach her lips. “I love you, too,” I said after I pulled my lips away from hers. Then I stood up and grabbed my keys from the nightstand. “I’ll be back soon,” I said and left her in the room.
Instead of stopping at a restaurant I drove right past them all and went straight to my father’s house about ten minutes away.
He welcomed me at the door with open arms. “Elias! It’s good to see you, son. Come on in.”
If there was any person in the world whom I could trust and count on even more than Bray, it was my father. Unlike my mom, who was always the voice of reason, the do-gooder, my dad was the one who wasn’t beyond doing the wrong thing if, in his heart, it happened to be right. His was another kind of voice. Like father, like son. In more ways than one. I favored my father. I inherited his dark hair and blue eyes.
“You didn’t mention you were coming to Savannah las’ time we talked,” he said.
He brought two bottles of beer from the kitchen and handed me one as I sat on his old beige sofa.
“It was an unexpected trip,” I said.
“Well, I’m always glad to have ya here,” he said with a proud smile. He pushed his glasses up to the top of his nose.
We took a sip of beer at the same time and silence ensued.
“Dad, I’m in trouble.” I got right to the point. Not only was I not afraid to tell him, but I didn’t want to leave Bray alone in the motel for longer than I had to.
My dad cocked an eyebrow and his beer hung inches from his lips in pause. Slowly he lowered it. “What kind of trouble?”
“The worst trouble I’ve ever been in.”
He set the beer on the coffee table. All traces of him being happy to see me dimmed on his face. He looked intent and worried and, as I had expected of him, very fatherly and ready to do whatever he had to in order to help me.
“Talk to me, son.”
“You remember Brayelle, don’t you?”
He nodded and smiled again briefly. “Of course I remember her. Cute little girl. Beautiful like your mother later on when she grew up. Had a mouth like a biker chick.” He laughed and then said, “She was the one your mom whipped you over because you snuck out that summer I went to Michigan. Brayelle always was the Bonnie to your Clyde.”
His words stunned me. He had no idea how relevant the seemingly innocent comparison was.
He smiled again and winked at me. “Yeah, I knew all about her.” He grinned.
“Then you knew how I felt about her,” I said.
“Umm-hmm.” He took another swallow. “You were in love with that girl from the moment you saw her. I may not’ve been around much, but some things are easy to figure out in just a few visits. You two were always together.” He rested his back against the chair. “I used to look at your mom like that.”
“Well, something happened last night,” I began. “I’m not going to tell you the details—don’t want to drag you into it any more than I am just by being here. But I want you to know that it was an accident.”
He narrowed his gaze on me subtly. “Was it her accident, or yours?”
“It was Bray’s.”
“And you’re sure it was an accident?” He looked at me in a short, sidelong manner.
“Yes, she said it was an accident, and I believe her.”
“Do you?” He raised his back from the recliner and slumped over forward, resting his arms across his pant legs. “Think about it, Elias. Think about it long and hard, because the answer really is the difference between you doing what the law says is right and you doing what your heart says is right. You have to be sure. One hundred percent, son.”
I thought about it, just like he said to do, but I didn’t have to think long. I already knew.
“I know it was an accident,” I said. “She wouldn’t lie to me. And I could tell she was telling the truth. Bray may be brazen and a little over the top sometimes, but she’d never intentionally do something like that.”
My dad nodded once, accepting my explanation, trusting in me and what I believed. “Y’know, Elias, as your father, first and foremost I have to tell you that I don’t want to see you ruin your life to protect someone else’s.” He set his beer down again and got up from the chair. His camouflaged T-shirt hung sloppily over the top of his jeans. “But I’d be a fool and a hypocrite to expect you not to follow your heart.” He turned and looked down at me. “What do you need?”
I stood up with him, leaving my beer on the coffee table, and I hugged him long and hard. I wondered if it would be the last time I ever saw him, at least without a thick wall of security glass separating us.
I left my father that day with some extra cash to get us by for a little while at least, but more important, with his advice, which I always took to heart. He told me that I should try everything in my power to talk Bray into turning herself in before it was too late.
“Are you sure that’s what’s stopping you?” he had said. “Because you think it’s too late?”
“Yes,” I had lied. “We’re already in this too deeply to turn back now.”
But my father was a smart man. He could see right through me and I knew that he could. Bray and I still could’ve turned back and done the “right” thing, but I couldn’t lose her again, and Bray didn’t want to lose me. We had already established that before we left the ridge that night. And that was the way it was going to stay.
I went back to our motel room with burgers and fries.
We ate in silence. Silence seemed to be the norm for a while. And we watched television, both afraid we’d turn the news on at ten o’clock and see our faces staring back at us from the screen next to a reporter. But for the first several days, from Savannah to Fernandina Beach to Daytona Beach, we were still in the clear. Bray’s cell phone hardly ever rang. Just once when her sister, Rian, called to see how she was doing. Bray let it go to voice mail.
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J. A. Redmerski
From New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of THE EDGE OF NEVER, J.A. Redmerski you a heart-wrenching New Adult novel of love, secrets and the choices we make…Love makes you do crazy things…Brayelle Bates has always been a force of nature and the only person who has ever truly understood her is her childhood sweetheart, Elias Kline. But Elias never knew the truth about her agonizing past – until one night changes everything.Desperate to escape her fate, Bray convinces Elias to flee with her, and as the two try to make the most of their circumstances, Elias soon realises that there’s a darkness driving Bray he can’t ignore. Now, in order to save her, he’ll have to convince Bray to accept the consequences of her past – even if it means losing her.
Song of the Fireflies
J.A. Redmerski
For Michael N. and Alexander D.
Table of Contents
Cover (#ubd1ec280-c969-5beb-b278-47c136ef6394)
Title Page (#u926f8d7d-7495-5243-84ea-900cb951d48b)
Dedication (#u959c42b1-d11a-53a2-a503-e1b38c02a4c5)
Chapter One (#u8ed5cb54-982a-5ea6-b2f4-44f5e733a835)
Chapter Two (#ub2ff93d7-3bd3-5ac2-a74c-4a850b19e9d6)
Chapter Three (#u36f83f8d-95ca-5cbe-b444-de179383471e)
Chapter Four (#u068fb2f1-bfdf-5a9b-9292-67c01a965e79)
Chapter Five (#u50591f3f-60c3-57b1-bb96-24627bd400db)
Chapter Six (#uc18573bf-a5cc-5d26-94cf-70019433a9f1)
Chapter Seven (#u8f167148-e53d-5d09-b1b2-c941da9e60bd)
Chapter Eight (#u9c0575b6-c629-5d1f-a3a0-1ea748de4e33)
Chapter Nine (#uc4d181ca-fb26-502a-9409-57175ad7ff13)
Chapter Ten (#ud4774706-c686-5f45-ab5c-fce15513aca1)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Read on for an extract from The Edge of Never (#litres_trial_promo)
Read on for an extract from The Edge of Always (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Also by J. A. Redmerski (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#ulink_8cd350af-7445-52ea-90b7-ce86ace58f63)
Elias
They say you never forget your first love, and I have to say that they are right. I met the girl of my dreams when we were both still fans of tree houses and dirt cakes—she made the best dirt cakes in Georgia—and today, seventeen years later, I still see her smile in everything good.
But Bray’s life has always been… complicated. Mine, well, I guess the same can be said for me, but as much as she and I are alike, there are just as many things that make us so very different.
I never thought that a relationship with her, other than being the best of friends, sometimes with benefits, could ever work. Neither did she. I guess in the beginning, we were both right. But by the end—and damn, the end sure as hell blindsided us—we were proven wrong. I admit a few dozen mistakes along the way are what led us here to this moment, holed up in the back of a convenience store with cops surrounding the building.
But wait. Let me start from the beginning.
Fourth of July—Seventeen Years Ago…
The kind of crush a nine-year-old boy has on an eight-year-old girl is almost always innocent. And cruel. The first time I saw Brayelle Bates flitting toward me through the wide-open field by Mr. Parson’s pond, she was marked my victim. She wore a white sundress and a pair of flip-flops with little purple flowers made of fabric sewn to the tops. Her long, dark hair had been pulled neatly into ponytails on each side of her head and tied with purple ribbons. I loved her. OK, so I didn’t really “love” her, but she sure was pretty.
So, naturally I gave her a hard time.
“What’s that on your face?” I asked, as she started to walk by.
She stopped and crossed her arms and looked down at me sitting on my blanket beside my mother, pursing her lips at me disapprovingly.
“There’s nothing on my face,” she said with a smirk.
“Yes there is.” I pointed up at her. “Right there. It’s really gross.”
Instinctively, she reached up and began touching her face all over with her fingertips. “Well, what is it? What does it look like?”
“It’s everywhere. And I told you it’s gross, that’s what it looks like.”
She propped both hands on her hips and chewed on the inside of her mouth. “You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not. Your whole face, it’s really ugly. You should go to the doctor and get that checked out.”
The tip of her flip-flop and her big toe jabbed me in the back of my hip.
“Owww! What was that for?” I reached around and rubbed the spot with my fingertips.
I noticed my mother shake her head at us, but she went back to her conversation with my aunt Janice.
Bray crossed her arms and snarled down at me. “If anyone out here is gross, it’s you. Your face looks just like my dog’s ass.”
Upon hearing that, my mom snapped her head around, and she glared at me as if I was the one who had just cursed.
I just shrugged.
Bray turned on her heel, sauntered away with her chin held high, and caught up with her parents, who were already many feet out ahead of her. I watched her go, the throbbing in my hip a reminder that if I was going to mess with that girl again, there would be more pain and abuse where that came from.
Of course, it only made me want to do it again.
As the pasture filled up with Athens’s residents, come to see the yearly fireworks display, I watched Bray do cartwheels in the grass with her friend. Every now and then I saw her look over at me, showing off and taunting me. She did get the best of me, after all, and it was only natural for her to gloat about it. I got bored fast sitting with my mom, especially since Bray seemed to be having so much fun over there.
“Where are you going, Elias?” my mom asked, as I got up from the blanket.
“Just right over there,” I said, pointing in Bray’s direction.
“OK, but please stay in my sight.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes; Mom was always worried I would get kidnapped or lost or hurt or wet or dirty or any number of things.
“I will,” I said and walked away.
I weaved my way through the few families sitting in the space between us in lawn chairs and on blankets, ice chests filled with beer and soda next to them, until I was standing in front of that abusive girl I couldn’t get enough of.
“You really shouldn’t do cartwheels in a dress, you know that, right?” I asked.
Bray’s mouth fell open. Her pale-skinned friend, Lissa, who had long, curly, white-blonde hair, and who I knew from school, smiled up at me. I think she liked me.
“I have shorts on under my dress thank-you-very-much,” Bray snapped. “Why were you looking, anyway?”
“I wasn’t looking, I just…”
Bray and Lissa burst into laughter.
My face flushed hot.
Bray had only just moved here from Atlanta a week ago, and it hadn’t taken long for her to fit in. Or rather to pretty much own the place as far as the kids went. She was the kind of girl so damn mean and intimidating and pretty that the other girls knew they had better befriend her or else end up her enemy. She wasn’t a bully; she just had this way about her that demanded respect.
“Want to go sit by the pond?” I asked. “The fireworks look cool reflected off the water.”
Bray shrugged. “I guess so.” Then she got to her feet; Lissa was already standing up, ready to go, before Bray had even made up her mind.
Lissa was a nice girl but clingy at times, and I admit I was the one who started a rumor about her being albino because of her white hair and sheet-white skin. I felt bad afterward. I hadn’t expected the whole school to call her that every single day. When Bray moved to town, she told a group of girls off on her first day for making fun of Lissa. Afterward, Lissa naturally clung to Bray like Velcro.
And just like that, as if I’d never called Bray ugly and she had never kicked me, we walked side by side toward the pond and sat together for the next two hours. My friend Mitchell joined us eventually, and the four of us lay on our backs on the grass and watched the fireworks explode in an array of colors in the clear black sky. And although Lissa and Mitchell were there with us, Bray and I carried on with each other as if we were alone. We laughed at stupid jokes and made fun of people walking by. It was the best night of my life, and it was only just beginning.
Shortly after the fireworks ended and the darkness settled across the pasture again, most of the town had already packed up and gone home.
My mom found me with Bray, Lissa, and Mitchell.
“Time to go,” she said, standing over me.
Bray was lying next to me, her head pressed against the side of my shoulder. I hadn’t really noticed it much, but my mom sure did. I saw a look in her eye—upside down, since she was standing behind us, which made that look all the more scary—that I’d never seen before. I raised myself up from the grass and turned around to face her.
“Can’t I stay and hang out a while longer?”
“No, Elias, I have to work in the morning. It’s already late.” She gestured with her free hand for me to get up and follow.
Reluctantly, I did as I was told.
“Oh come on, please, Ms. Kline?” Mitchell said on the other side of me, looking goofy with a front tooth missing and a light brown mullet lying against the back of his T-shirt. “I’ll walk home with him.”
Mitchell was a year older than me, but I did not need him to walk me home. This made me mad, probably because it embarrassed me in front of Bray.
I glared at Mitchell, and he looked back at me with apologetic eyes.
“I’ll see you guys later,” I said.
I took the ice chest from my mom to relieve her of some of the load she was carrying, and I followed her through the pasture toward our truck parked along the dirt road. Aunt Janice waved good-bye and sputtered away in her old beat-up Corsica.
My mom went to bed right after we got home. She was the manager at a hotel and rarely got any time off. My dad lived in Savannah. They had divorced three years ago. But I had a great relationship with them both. I often stayed at my dad’s in the summer, except this year he had to go to Michigan for his job, so I was staying with my mom all summer for the first time since their divorce.
I think it was fate. Bray never would’ve ended up outside my bedroom window that night, tapping on the glass with the tip of her finger, if my dad hadn’t gone to Michigan. I wondered how she knew where I lived but I never asked, figuring Mitchell or Lissa must’ve told her.
“You’re already in bed?” Bray asked with mock disbelief as she looked up at me.
I raised the window the rest of the way, and the humid summer air rushed in past me.
“No. I’m just in my room. What are you doin’ out here?”
A sly little grin crept up on the edges of Bray’s lips. “Want to go swimming?” she asked.
“Swimming?”
“Yeah. Swimming.” She crossed her arms and cocked her head to one side. “Or are you too chicken to sneak out?”
“I’m not afraid to sneak out.”
Actually, I kind of am. If my mom catches me she’ll whip me with the fly swatter.
“Then come on,” she said, waving at me. “Prove it.”
A challenge. Fly swatter or not, I couldn’t back down from a challenge or she’d never let me live it down. She’d go to school and turn my friends against me. The whole town would think I was a chicken afraid of his mommy, and I’d grow up an outcast and never have a girlfriend. I’d end up homeless and die an old man living underneath a bridge—these are the things my mom told me would happen to me if I ever dropped out of school.
OK, so I was overthinking this whole sneaking-out thing.
I bit down on my bottom lip, thought about it for a moment. When I noticed Bray about to start running that mouth of hers again, I tossed one leg over the windowsill and hopped outside, landing in a smooth, crouched position, which I was quite proud of.
Bray grinned, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along with her away from my house.
Admittedly, I thought of the fly swatter all the way back to the pond in the pasture.
Chapter Two (#ulink_493f54fd-8def-5e6f-bc14-025a6d40d1b1)
Elias
Bray was so free-spirited, she didn’t seem to have a worry in the world. I noticed this about her the moment we reached the outskirts of the pasture and she broke away from me and ran out toward it. Her arms were raised high above her head, as if she was reaching for the stars. Her laughter was infectious, and I found myself laughing right along with her as I ran behind her. We jumped off the end of the little rickety dock and hit the water with a loud splash. She didn’t even stop to take off her flip-flops, nor I my shirt, beforehand.
We swam for a while, and I splashed her in the face every chance I got, until she finally had enough and swam back to the dock.
“Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Bray asked, taking me by surprise.
I glanced nervously at her to my left; we both moved our feet back and forth in the water.
“No. Have you?”
Her shoulder bumped against mine hard, and she giggled and made a horrible face at me.
“No way. I wouldn’t kiss a girl. Talk about gross.”
I laughed, too. Really, I didn’t realize what I had said until after she pointed it out; I was too blindsided by the kissing topic to notice. But I played it off smoothly as though I was just being weird.
“I’ve never kissed a boy,” she said.
There was an awkward bout of silence. Mostly the awkwardness was coming from me, I was sure. I swallowed and looked out at the calm water. Every now and then I heard a random firework pop off in the distance somewhere. And the song of crickets and frogs surrounded us.
Not knowing what to say, or if I was supposed to say anything at all, I finally added, “Why not?”
“Why not what?”
“Why haven’t you kissed a boy before?”
She looked at me suspiciously. “Why haven’t you kissed a girl before?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. I just haven’t.”
“Well, maybe you should.”
“Why?”
“I dunno.”
Silence. We stared out at the water together, both of us with our hands braced against the dock’s edge, our bodies slumped between our shoulders, our feet moving steadily in the water and pushing poetic ripples outward across the surface.
I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, right next to the corner of her mouth.
She blushed and smiled, and I knew my face must’ve been bright red, but I didn’t care and I didn’t regret it.
I wanted to do it again.
Next thing I knew, Bray jumped up from the dock and ran back out into the pasture.
“Fireflies!” she shouted.
I stood up and watched her run away from me beneath the dark star-filled sky and she grew smaller and smaller. Hundreds of little green-yellow dots of light blinked off and on out in the wide-open space.
“Come on, Elias!” Her voice carried my name on the wind.
I knew I’d never forget this night. I couldn’t have understood why back then, but something within me knew. I would never forget it.
I ran out after her.
“We should’ve brought a jar!” She kept reaching out her hands, trying to catch one of the fireflies, but she was always a second too late.
On my third try, I caught one and held it carefully in the hollow of both hands so that I wouldn’t crush it.
“Oh, you got one! Let me see!”
I held my hands out slowly and Bray looked inside the tiny opening between my thumb and index finger. Every few seconds my hand would light up with a dull glow and then fade again.
“So pretty,” she said, wide-eyed.
“Just like you,” I said, though I had no idea what made me say that. Out loud, anyway.
Bray just smiled at me and looked back down into my hand.
“OK, let it go,” she said. “I don’t want it to die.”
I opened my hands and held them up, but the firefly just stayed there crawling across the ball of my thumb. I leaned in to blow on it and its tiny black wings finally sprang to life and it flew away into the darkness.
Bray and I spent the whole night in the field chasing the fireflies and laying on the grass, staring up at the stars. She told me all about her sister, Rian, and how she was a snob and was always mean to Bray. I told her about my parents, because I didn’t have any brothers or sisters. She said I was lucky. We talked forever, it seemed. We may have been young, but we connected deeply on that night. I knew we would be great friends, even better friends than Mitchell and I had been, and I had known him since first grade, when he had tried to con me out of my peach cup at lunch.
And before the night was over, we made a pact with each other that would later prove to see us through some very troubled times.
“Promise we’ll always be best friends,” Bray said, lying next to me. “No matter what. Even if you grow up ugly and I grow up mean.”
I laughed. “You’re already mean!”
She elbowed me.
“And you’re already ugly,” she said with a blush in her cheeks.
I gave in, though really I needed no convincing. “OK, I promise.”
We gazed back up at the stars; her fingers were interlaced and her hands rested on her belly.
I had no idea what I was getting into with Brayelle Bates. I didn’t know about such things when I was nine. I didn’t know. But I would never regret a moment with her. Never.
Bray and I were found early the following morning, fast asleep in the grass. We were awoken by three cops; Mr. Parson, who owned the land; and my frantic mother, who thought I had been kidnapped from my room, stuffed in a suitcase, and thrown on the side of a highway somewhere.
“Elias! Oh dear God, I thought you were gone!” She scooped me into her arms and squeezed me so tight I thought my eyeballs were going to burst out of the sockets. She pulled away, kissed me on the forehead, embarrassing the crap out of me, and then squeezed me again.
Bray’s mom and dad were there, too.
“Have you been out here all night with him?” Bray’s dad asked with a sharp edge in his voice.
My mom immediately went into defensive mode. She stood up the rest of the way with me and wrapped one arm around the front of me, pressing my head against her stomach.
“That daughter of yours,” my mom said, and already I was flinching before she finished, “she has a mouth on her. My son would never have snuck out unless he was influenced.”
Oh geez…
I sighed and threw my head back against her.
“Mom, I—”
“Are you blaming this on my daughter?” Bray’s mother said, stepping up front and center.
“As a matter of fact, I am,” my mom said boldly.
Bray started to shrink behind her dad and every second that passed I felt even worse about her being blamed.
Before this got too out of hand, I broke away from my mom’s arms. “Dammit, Mom—!” Her eyes grew wide and fierce, and I stopped midsentence.
“Watch your mouth, Elias!” Then she looked at Bray’s mom again and added, “See, Elias never uses language like that.”
“Stop it! Please! I snuck out on my own, so leave Bray out of it!”
I hated shouting. I hated that I had to put my mom in her place like that, but I spoke what I felt in my heart, and that was something my mom always taught me to do. Take up for the bullied, Elias. Never stand back and watch someone take advantage of someone else, Elias. Always do and say what you know in your heart to be right, no matter what, Elias.
I hoped she would remember those things when we were back at home.
My mom sighed deeply and I watched the anger deflate with her breath. “I apologize,” she said to Bray’s parents. “Really, I am sorry. I was just so scared something had happened to him.”
Bray’s mom nodded, accepting my mom’s apology with sincerity. “I understand. I’m sorry, too. I’m just glad they’re safe.”
Bray’s dad said nothing. I got the feeling he wasn’t as forgiving as her mom had been.
I was grounded for the rest of the summer for that stunt I pulled. And yes, I met the fly swatter that day, after which I vowed never to sneak out of the house again. But whenever it came to Bray, from that time up until we graduated high school, I did sneak out. A lot. But I never got caught again after that first time.
I know you must be wondering why after so many years of being best friends, attending the same school, working together at the local Dairy Queen, even often sharing a bed, why we never became something more to each other.
Well, the truth is that we did.
Chapter Three (#ulink_1651dd4f-05cd-5ef4-bdc0-39f0268569ab)
Four years ago…
I turned twenty-two on August 2, a week after I had moved into my first apartment. Bray, like she did every year, insisted that I not stay at home on my birthday. She wanted to drag me out to a party somewhere, get drunk, have some fun. And while I was never opposed to parties, drinking, and getting laid every now and then, the last party I went to with Bray landed me in jail and Bray in the emergency room of Athens Regional. It was a wild night, that’s for sure.
“It won’t be like last time,” Bray said from the doorway, trying to convince me.
She closed the front door with her foot and practically danced her way into my living room. She plopped down on my oversized chair and draped her legs over the arm.
I closed the fridge and sat down on the ottoman next to her, bringing my Gatorade bottle to my lips and taking a swig.
“You mean you won’t get roofied, and I won’t overhear the douchebag who did it bragging to his friends and then beat the shit out of him?” I laughed and took another drink. “That’s hardly something that can be predicted.”
She leaned forward and swung her arms around my neck. The smell of her freshly washed hair and lightly perfumed skin intoxicated me.
“I won’t drink anything unless you or Lissa give it to me,” she said and then pressed her lips to the side of my face.
I always hated it when she did that. Best friend, so what, it made me hard.
“I guess I’ll go,” I said, giving in. “But you have to promise you’ll be on your best behavior.” I shook my finger at her playfully.
In all reality, asking Bray to be on her best behavior was a far-fetched request that was almost always met with disappointment. But nothing she could ever do would push me away from her.
She raised both of her hands up in the air, as if surrendering.
“I fucking promise,” she laughed. “I’ll be good. If I don’t, you have my permission to bend me over your knee and spank the shit out of me.”
Oh Jesus Christ… seriously? That’s worse than her innocent “best friend” kiss to my cheek.
I inhaled a very deep breath, composed myself, and then got up from the ottoman, Gatorade bottle in hand.
“Where are you going?”
“To get dressed?” I looked at her like she’d just asked a stupid question.
“What you’re wearing is fine,” she said. “You’re one hot piece of ass, as usual.” She stuck her tongue out at me and then looked me over.
She did tend to look me over a lot in the years we’d known each other. I often wondered if she secretly had the same feelings for me that I’d always had for her, but I could never really be sure. I always knew she cared for me and was attracted to me, but regarding the two of us together, I was as confused as you probably are.
I ignored her and went into my bedroom to change my clothes.
She followed.
While it was never anything unusual for her to see me naked, this time her following me did strike me as odd.
“Elias?”
I looked from the open top drawer of my dresser to her.
“There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
This was serious. I had only seen that thoughtful, intent look on her face a few times before, and it was always about something that would later prove to define our strange relationship even more, like adding colors to a black-and-white painting. So far only a quarter of that painting had been filled in. Once with her confession to me that she lost her virginity to Michael Pearson—that about fucking killed me. Once when I admitted I lost mine to Abigail Rutherford—I thought Bray was going to hate me forever after that. Apparently, Abigail Rutherford was Bray’s worst enemy, though I never got that impression until after I slept with her. Then once when she gave me her first blowjob because she “needed the practice”—for days after that, I was in a haze. I couldn’t get the image out of my head, not necessarily because of the act itself but because of the trust she had in me to want me to be the one. And once when I ate her out in my car underneath a bridge overpass, because she dared me to do it. Bray never ceased to shock the hell out of me. Always in a good way. Yeah, those were some colorful fucking brushstrokes.
As I stood at the dresser, new boxers in my hand, I could only wonder what color we would be adding to that painting today.
She sat down on the end of my bed. Her silky dark hair framed her peach-colored face and fell down over both of her bare shoulders.
“What’s up?” I asked, concealing my impatience.
She glanced toward the closet and then looked back at me. “Madelyn will be at this party.”
I thought I knew where this was going, but I couldn’t be sure. I was having a hard time reading Bray, which in itself was foreign to me.
“So?”
“So, I know you have a thing for her. I don’t like her.” Bray struggled with those words; I could see it in her face that she really wanted to say something else. She was hiding something. I was pretty sure I knew what it was, but I needed a bit more proof.
Giving up on changing clothes, I shut the top drawer and leaned against the edge of the dresser, crossing my arms over my chest.
“I don’t have a thing for her,” I said. I wouldn’t mind sleeping with her once, but that’s not a “thing.” “Why don’t you like her?”
“She’s… well, she’s just not right for you. She’s a nice girl, but I get bad vibes from her.” The more she tried to explain, the more uncomfortable she looked. “Just trust me on this, OK?” She swallowed nervously.
Bray never gets nervous around me.
I crouched down in front of her, forcing her blue-eyed gaze to connect with mine.
“Why don’t you just say what you’re really thinking?”
She looked stunned. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, really I don’t.” Trying to avoid it, she stood up and moved to the other side of the bed, crossing her arms and putting her back to me.
“Don’t do this,” I said, rising to my feet, too. “We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. We have to stop.”
I stepped up behind her. “Why don’t we just try it, Bray?”
She swung her head around to face me, her eyes harboring confusion and shock and worry all at the same time. Only her confusion wasn’t convincing. She knew exactly what I was talking about, but she wasn’t masking it very well.
“Try what?”
I placed my hands on her upper arms. “Being together.”
It was as if my words sucked all of the air and sound out of the room. For a long time she just stared at me, unblinking.
“I’ve wanted to be with you since we were kids in that pasture, Bray. You know this—you’ve known this. But anytime I ever tried to get closer to you, you pushed me away. Why don’t we stop this, quit playing these games with each other, and just… be together.”
Her big blue eyes fell away from mine. She took a step backward and sat down on the edge of the bed, letting her hands fall in between her thighs. She wouldn’t look at me, and I was getting frustrated. I wanted her to say something, anything.
I crouched in front of her again and rested my hands on the tops of her bare knees. “Please look at me,” I said softly. “Say something.”
It seemed a struggle, but finally she met my gaze. I saw nothing but conflict in her eyes.
“I can’t,” she said.
“Why not? Are you not into me? If that’s it, just say so. I can take it. I’ll hate it, but at least I’ll know—”
“That’s not it at all,” she said, shaking her head gently.
“Is it because of your dad?” I asked. “I know he’s never really liked me much.”
“No, Elias. It doesn’t have anything to do with that. You should know that by now.”
“Then what the hell is it?” The frustration began to show in my voice, probably in my face, too. “I don’t get it. We’ve been close since we were kids. It’s always been you and me, Bray and Elias, best friends forever, just like you used to scribble on your tablets. Shit, we’ve done everything together short of outright sex. You get pissed at me when I start to get too close to another girl.”
“Are you saying I’m jealous?” she asked quickly.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” I answered truthfully, despite wanting to avoid offending her. She knew it was true as much as I did. “The only person you’re fooling here is yourself.”
Too much truth, I realized too late, would only shut her off.
She pushed me away from her and started to head for the door, but I caught her by the elbow and forced her back around to face me.
“It scares me!” she shouted, taking me by surprise. “You’ve been the only consistent thing in my life, Elias! I’m incapable of holding a relationship together. I always fuck it up!” She waved her hands out in front of her angrily. “What was my longest relationship?”
I didn’t answer. I knew the answer, but I got the feeling it wasn’t that kind of question.
“Two months,” she said, holding up two fingers. “I get with a guy and two months is my record. Michael. Three weeks. Austin. Two weeks. Jack. One month. Hell, I went out with Avery for two days before I bailed on him! Two days. It’s pathetic!”
“But what does that have to do with us?” I asked with almost as much intensity in my voice as hers. “We’re not like everyone else. I’m not any of those guys. If anyone could hold a relationship together it’s you and me.”
“That’s just it!” She was almost crying. “You’re not like any of them! You’re the only guy in this world that I care about!”
Tears streamed down her soft cheeks.
It was in this moment that I finally knew the truth. Bray was afraid of losing me, and taking our relationship any further than it had been was a risk that she wasn’t willing to take.
“It’s my worst fear,” she confirmed it and her gaze dropped toward the floor. “Things between us changing. I know, Elias… I feel it… if we change the way things are, the way they have been, nothing will ever be the same again. We’ll break up and grow apart and just thinking about not having you in my life hurts my heart.” Tears shuddered through her chest.
I sat down fully on the floor and pulled her into my arms, wrapping them tightly around her body. I pressed my lips against her hair and did my best to hold back my own tears. Because I understood. Having known Bray practically all my life, I understood her more than anyone ever would or could.
Like I said, Bray was complicated.
She had always been a confident girl, the type that other girls in school looked up to and followed. She was wild and brazen and often too bold for her own good. When we were growing up, she got into more trouble than I thought one innocent, sweet girl could get into. She wasn’t afraid of anything, even the occasional illegal stunt, which landed her in juvy once for a week when she was sixteen. Destruction of property—she got caught spray-painting the back of a grocery store building. But she wasn’t a bad girl, just a little rebellious and reckless.
But her biggest flaw was her inability to form bonds with other people. Friend. Boyfriend. Even family. She had never really been close to anyone. The first time I saw her interact with her parents, I thought that her family was very different from ours. My mom and dad always told me they loved me before I went anywhere or before we hung up the phone. Bray and her parents never said that to each other, at least not that I had ever heard. Bray’s parents didn’t seem to mind that she went where she wanted whenever she wanted. My parents were strict, and I had a crazy eight o’clock curfew up until I was fifteen years old. It took me a long time to truly understand why her parents treated her the way they did. And it wasn’t until many years later that all of the pieces of the puzzle that was Brayelle Bates would fall into place and explain everything.
I was all that Bray ever really had.
Her attachment to me, her closeness to me, I knew all along was love. But she didn’t know, because she had never really experienced love like that before. She grew up pushing people away from her, because it was all she had ever known. When someone started getting too close, she turned on them in an instant, as if a warning siren was going off inside her brain.
She wasn’t a broken girl. She had never experienced abuse or had much of a hard life growing up. She was just cursed with the inability to recognize and filter and react to certain significant emotions.
Despite all of her flaws, all of her crazy antics and sometimes over-the-top personality, I loved her more than anything in this world.
And I knew that I always would.
But it was time I put my foot down.
“It won’t be like this forever,” I said, looking down into her glazed-over eyes. “We can’t spend the rest of our lives being just friends and neither of us getting involved with other people.”
Her tears shut off immediately and she froze. “What are you saying?” she asked.
I softened the look in my eyes, trying to be as delicate as possible with what I was about to say. My hands moved up her arms and rested against her cheeks. I brushed the bone under her eye with the pad of my thumb.
And then I lied to her.
“I can’t do this with you forever,” I said. “I want to be in love, to be loved back. I want to get married one day and maybe have a couple kids—call me old fashioned, but whatever.” She wanted to tear her eyes away from mine, but she couldn’t; she was still frozen in place, her body rigid. “I’ve imagined that person being you. It’s always been about you. But if you don’t want to at least try to be her, then maybe we should stop being friends. This… thing we have, this… relationship, it’s unhealthy.”
She stepped back and away from me, still holding her unblinking gaze.
“Is this what you want?” she asked, her soft features appeared vacant, but her eyes held a profound amount of suppressed pain.
“What I want is to be with you. That’s what I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My hands collapsed into half fists out in front of me. My whole body was consumed by emotion, a desperate need to make her understand how much I loved her without having to say the words. In the moment, they didn’t seem right to speak aloud. I was afraid she’d run the other way.
I thought this was going to be the end. The end of us, the end of everything that we stood for. The last thing in the world that I wanted was for her to turn and walk out that door so I would never see her again. But that was what I expected. The truth is, I would’ve waited forever for her. I couldn’t imagine myself in a serious relationship with any other girl. Sex? Sure. I’m a guy and I like sex. But to love someone other than Bray seemed eternally impossible. So yes, I lied when I told her that it couldn’t be the way it had been any longer. Because I would’ve waited for her forever. I would’ve stayed just like we were, unconventional best friends who shared a lot more than secrets and sleepovers. But with Bray, I knew I had to be harsh. I felt like I had to be the one to make her understand that our relationship might not be what she wanted. As much as it hurt me to do it, I had to let her know that it was OK to go our separate ways. I didn’t want her to cling to the thought of us for the rest of her life and continue pushing people away because of me.
I just wanted her to be happy.
With her back to me, Bray’s arms uncrossed and fell to her sides.
She turned around.
I waited, subconsciously holding my breath.
And just when I thought it was all going to be over, she said, “OK. I do want to be with you. I want to try with you.”
That night after the party, we had sex for the first time since we’d known each other. But it wasn’t what I had always hoped it would be. Bray changed. I noticed her change as I lay on top of her, peering down into her beautiful, blue eyes. It was as if she knew before it actually happened that if we had sex it would alter everything between us forever. And then as the days wore on, we grew further apart. We broke up after four months. Two months later, she moved away to South Carolina.
I was never the same.
Chapter Four (#ulink_b1336f39-dc8c-539a-910e-48a39595dcca)
Bray
I know what you must be thinking: What a bitch. And you’ll get no argument from me on that one. I was pretty messed up back then. I loved Elias with all my heart, and that scared the hell out of me.
But I should get something out of the way before I dive into the excuses of why I was the way I was. I’m sure Elias sugarcoated me with his bias and all, but if this story is going to be told, then it needs to be told in its truth and entirety, without Band-Aids and training wheels.
I was fucked up.
No, no one raped me or beat me or bullied me as a kid. My parents loved me. Maybe not as much as my sister, Rian, but I believed they loved me. They just showed it in different ways than Elias’s parents did, usually with the best toys for Christmas and birthdays, a steady allowance, and the occasional pat on the back for doing a good deed. Sometimes. But every pat on the back I ever did get felt like an obligation, like they were being forced. I had issues. There’s no doubt about that. And for much of my young life my parents did whatever they could to help me. They just gave up trying to fix me somewhere along the way. But I don’t blame anyone for the way I was. A psychologist appointed by the State to evaluate me when I had my little run-in with the police and a stint in juvy called it bipolar disorder. I, on the other hand, called it just one of those things. We’re all different. We all have our own quirks and flaws and dark secrets. All of us are fucked up on some level, whether or not we want to admit it to ourselves. And I like to believe that not every problem or issue that we deal with in our daily lives must be labeled with a fancy title.
I’ll say it again: I was fucked up. It was as simple as that.
Well, just so you know, I didn’t leave Elias and Georgia because I lost interest or fell out of love with him. Quite the opposite. I left because I fell even harder for him, which I didn’t even know was possible. I’ve never really been scared of anything, except of Elias. I think that in the back of my mind I figured if I left him first, if I was the one who put a stop to any kind of relationship that we had, it might not hurt as much as it would have if he had ended it. It gave me a sense of control. At least, I fooled myself into believing that all the way to South Carolina. But once I got there—I moved with my friend, Lissa, who wanted to be closer to her brother—it didn’t take long for me to see that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
But instead of doing the right thing and following my heart by going back and hoping Elias would take me back, I did the opposite and pushed myself further away from him. Maybe it was my way of punishing myself for being the biggest idiot on the face of the Earth, I don’t know, but whatever it was, it landed me in a year-long relationship with a guy I didn’t love and never would.
I tried to go on with my life, but as time wore on I realized more every day that I really had no life without Elias. He was my life. He had been since that day we met by the pond.
I just wished I would’ve allowed myself to give in to that truth fully long before I finally did.
Because by then, it was too late.
Elias had a girlfriend, and according to our childhood friend Mitchell, Elias was serious about her and very much in love.
That was the time in my life when I didn’t care about anything anymore. I pretty much gave up on life without actually committing suicide. That’s the best way to describe it. I was completely dead inside. But no one else knew. Only Elias would ever have known that something was wrong with me deep down, that what I projected to the world was just a mask covering up the ugliness slowly eating away at my soul. But I never contacted him. I never tried to tell him how I felt, how much I was hurting, how much I missed and needed him. Because I wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant I wasn’t part of that happiness. I ruined my happiness for myself. I wasn’t about to waltz back into his life and ruin his, too.
Inevitably, I broke it off with my boyfriend and I told myself that I’d go back to being relationshipless, the way I had always been. Because relationships just weren’t my thing. But—and here’s some of where that “no Band-Aid” policy I was talking about comes into play—I went from a long-term relationship with one person to having sex with several different people. Call me a slut; say whatever you want. I never slept with anyone for the sheer pleasure of it—not in the beginning, anyway. I did it because I was trying to fill a void and I knew no other way. I was confused and I longed to feel loved the way I felt loved every moment I spent with Elias. I looked for that feeling in everything and everyone.
But I never found it.
And that’s when I… no, I’m not ready to talk about that yet.
For now, let’s just say when the dark secret I carried around behind that mask was out for the world to see, I had no other choice but to go back home.
Home to Elias. If he would have me. If he could have me…
I just never imagined that my homecoming would be met with more than I had ever hoped for… and, well, a lot more that I never could have possibly anticipated.
Elias
Two months ago…
I hadn’t seen nor heard from Bray in four years. As anyone would do, I went on with my life. I met a girl, Aline, at community college. She was beautiful. Dark hair. Bright blue eyes. Peach-colored skin. I loved her. But I wasn’t in love with her, even though I tried really hard to be. I tried so hard that for a while I actually believed it. But after two years of dating, I realized it wasn’t the kind of love I felt for Bray. And it never would be.
I heard from my friend Mitchell that Bray was engaged and in love with some guy in South Carolina. I felt like punching Mitchell for telling me this. I would have much rather gone on wondering about her, left clueless as to how she was carrying on with her life, instead of knowing the painful details.
I saw Bray in everything and everyone. Even in Aline—it wasn’t until much later that I realized how they favored each other. Pathetic, I know, but love isn’t always roses and rainbows and butterflies in your stomach. It’s equally cruel and painful and the world’s worst villain.
Aline dumped me. She knew I was in love with Bray. Not because I told her, but because women are smart like that. They have this weird fucking superpower that allows them to read a man’s emotions and see straight through his lies. I had told Aline about Bray, my “best friend” since childhood, and apparently that was all the backstory Aline needed to know more about me than I knew about myself. It wasn’t that I had tried to hide from Aline the fact that I was still in love with Bray, but that I had been trying to hide it from myself.
Aline was a great girl. She just wasn’t my girl….
It was one day in April nearly two months ago when the landscape of my life changed forever. The colors on that black-and-white painting were finally starting to fill in.
I woke up Saturday morning to Mitchell rummaging through the cabinets in my kitchen. He had been my roommate since last year. A lot about both of us had changed since we were kids. Thankfully, his mullet was one thing. Somewhere along the years he traded that hairstyle for a short, stylish cut with longer bangs that framed his face.
“What the hell are you doing, man?” I asked as I entered the kitchen wearing only my boxers. My current one-night stand, Jana, was still asleep in my bed, tangled in the sheets.
I opened the fridge and drank down half a bottle of water.
Mitchell was standing on a chair pushed against the front of the oven and reaching into the cabinet high above the stove light. “Looking for my weed.”
“Mitchell, man, seriously, you need to come down off that shit. Why would your weed be in the cabinet?”
“Come down off what shit? Weed?” His voice was muffled by the cabinet door.
“The meth.”
“Fucking A, bro, I’m not on meth. What the hell is your problem?”
I sat down at the kitchen table, stretched my arms above me and yawned. “You haven’t slept in three days,” I said. “Last night I heard you going through boxes in your room. For three hours.” I looked around the kitchen. “I haven’t seen this place this clean since I moved in, and I sure as hell didn’t clean it.”
Mitchell’s head finally came out of the cabinet, his bangs partially covering his dark brown eyes. He stepped down from the chair. His eyes were wide and feral and bloodshot, his pupils dilated. The corner of the left side of his mouth constantly twitched.
“Don’t tell anyone,” he said. He started to sit down but began pacing instead.
“I’m not going to tell anyone, but you’re starting to worry me. That’s some bad shit, bro. A month more and you’ll be sucking guys off for a fix. It’s no better than crack.”
Mitchell’s face went slack. “Dude, that’s goin’ too far.”
I sipped my water. “Is it?” I asked and shook my head. “You know I’m far from Mr. Sober and Perfect, but I wouldn’t touch that stuff if you paid me. You remember what it did to Paul Matthews.”
Mitchell pushed air through his lips and rolled his eyes. “Paul got addicted. He was cooking the shit in his bathroom. You don’t see me doing that.”
“Not yet,” I said.
I heard footsteps behind me, and Mitchell looked up.
“Do I get to fuck her next?” he asked.
I shut my eyes briefly and sighed. “Don’t say stuff like that, Mitch.”
“Fuck you,” Jana said to him from behind me.
Her shoulder-length blonde hair was pulled into a sloppy ponytail that hung disheveled against her back. She had sun-kissed brown skin and she was skinny, with delicate wrists I could easily lock my fingers around. But her wrists and her frame were the only delicate things about her, really.
She leaned around the back of my chair and kissed me on the mouth. I noticed right away she was dressed only in a T-shirt and her panties. Mitchell may have been out of line with that comment, but she wasn’t helping her case any, dressed like that in front of another guy.
Jana went to the fridge and opened it. I glimpsed her naked, tanned legs for only a moment. She was hot, but I was already regretting having slept with her.
“Whatever, man,” Mitchell said and went back to the cabinet.
I got up and left the kitchen. I hopped in the shower and Jana joined me. I wasn’t used to girls staying this late with me in the morning, certainly not inviting themselves into my shower. But I wasn’t about to kick her out, especially when the first thing she did was get on her knees and give me a blowjob. But for some reason, I couldn’t get off. I shut my eyes and gripped her head in both hands while she took the entire length of me into the back of her throat, but I couldn’t get off no matter how hard either of us tried.
I was frustrated. Jana, I think, was worried about her technique.
She gave up on that method and rose to her feet, pressing her breasts against my chest. The hot water was beginning to run cool as it streamed down on us.
She had this crafty look in her eyes.
“I want you both to fuck me,” she said and bit down gently on my chin.
Well, that definitely took me by surprise.
I don’t know what made me go along with it, other than thinking with the wrong head, but a few minutes later I was on my knees behind her on the couch while she went to work on Mitchell in front of her—and he apparently didn’t have the same problem I’d had with her minutes ago in the shower.
Despite sharing an apartment with a guy and both of us having our fair share of girls—girls who wanted a relationship as much as Mitchell or I did, I should add—threesomes definitely weren’t the norm. The girls either of us usually brought home weren’t as bold with their sexual desires as Jana was. And that was a good thing, really, because a threesome with another guy wasn’t something I could ever really get accustomed to. I spent more time and effort trying to avoid crossing swords than actually enjoying myself. In the heat of the moment, I never cared about that much, but when it was all over, I was a little disgusted with myself. Every single time. Unfortunately, disgust rarely stopped me from doing it again.
After Jana left and Mitchell went on another cleaning spree in the apartment, I got another shower before I headed out to help my mom move the last of her stuff into her new house. Mom had bad credit, and when the rental house I had grown up in started going to shit, I took out a loan to get her a new house on the other side of town.
Her new boyfriend, James, was loading boxes into the moving van when I pulled up.
He man-hugged me and started his usual spiel, asking how I was doing and reminding me how good I was to my mom. It really wasn’t necessary. I already liked him, and there wasn’t any need for him to still be trying so hard. But I guess he just hadn’t exhausted his efforts yet, and so I left it alone.
“This will be the last load,” my mom said and handed James a box to put in the van. Then she enveloped me in a hug. “How’s that new job going?”
“So far so good,” I said. “I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I do.”
“That’s great,” James said, emerging from the back of the moving van. “I did construction for ten years. It’s better than fast food or sitting behind a desk.” He was a few inches shorter than my mom, with graying salt-and-pepper hair sprinkled above his temples. Physically, James wasn’t my mom’s usual type, but I think his personality made up for that.
I nodded.
“OK, I need you two to be very careful with my china cabinet,” my mom said. “It was my mother’s, and—”
“We’ve got this,” James said, smiling over at me. “Don’t you worry.”
We followed my mom inside. She stayed close behind us every step of the way as we carried the massive china cabinet out the front door. Her face was as white as a sheet; she was worried we were going to drop it and shatter the glass doors along the top. We got it into the van and covered it with two thick blankets for extra cushioning. I stepped down from the ramp to see my mom staring out at the road. Her face was still white, but this time it seemed like she had seen a ghost. It took me a second longer than it should to turn around to see what she was looking at.
Bray stood at the end of the driveway, looking back at me.
Chapter Five (#ulink_30f8c625-fa44-553d-9764-994a475af089)
Elias
My heart thumped so violently I felt light-headed for a moment. I think I gasped, but I couldn’t be sure. I was too paralyzed to move or breathe, much less get my brain in working order again.
For the longest time Bray and I just stared across the driveway at each other. My first instinct was to walk straight over to her, lift her into my arms, and kiss her like I had never kissed anyone before, but I stopped a half a second before I acted upon it.
I had to play this cool. I had no idea what she was doing here after four years. Four fucking years! She could’ve been there just to see how I was doing after so long and to update me on her life, tell me that she was married and had a kid. I almost broke down. Right there in front of her and my mom and James. But I held my own, swallowed hard as emotion thickened my throat, and let out the breath I had been holding for the past few minutes.
“Bray?” I took a few steps forward.
Her smile was faint and shaky at first, but when I walked toward her those few steps her smile started to brighten.
“Hey,” she said softly.
Her hands were folded loosely down in front of her like a delicate little basket near her belly. Her long, dark hair, soft as it always was, draped both shoulders and was tucked behind her ears. She looked exactly the way I had always remembered her: soft and fragile and beautiful, with the biggest blue eyes and the prettiest smile I had ever seen. I swear her eyes twinkled like they do in the cartoons whenever she’d smile. And I always found it funny that she looked so damn innocent, but whenever she opened that mouth of hers she would blow that innocent façade right out of the water.
But not on this day. She definitely wasn’t herself. It was like she wasn’t sure yet if she could be. Or if she wanted to be.
I looked back at the moving van and then at my mom.
“Honey, you go ahead,” my mom said, waving me on. “James and I can move the rest.”
Other than Mitchell and, even less so, Aline, my mom was the only other person who knew my history with Brayelle Bates. She knew how much I loved her, and over the past four years, she’d tried on several occasions to convince me to reach out to Bray, tell her how I felt.
Having an idea about the situation, James added, “No worries, Elias. I can move this stuff. You go do what you’ve gotta do.” His smile was kind of goofy.
Bray stepped up then. “How about we all help?” she said to James and smiled at me.
Take it slow. Feel each other out first. See what our boundaries are, if there are any. It was the method Bray and I both used that day, without actually coming out and saying it.
We spent the next couple of hours helping my mom and James unload the van. After all of the heavy stuff was moved into the house, Bray and I left together in my gray Dodge Charger. We didn’t talk much while moving boxes or even when we were finally alone in the car. We were both nervous, both worried about the same things: Is she single? Does she have a family? Is this our last and final good-bye?
I drove her to my apartment. Mitchell was as shocked as I was when he saw her. “Holy shit,” he said when we walked through the front door. “Brayelle Bates. What are you doing here?”
“Hi, Mitch,” she said and strolled over to give him a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too, girl.” He took a step back and looked her over, bringing one hand up to push his bangs away from his face. “Still smokin’ hot, I see. You haven’t answered my question.”
“Mitch,” I said dropping my keys on the coffee table, “do you mind going out for a while and—”
“Say no more.” Mitchell put up both hands. “Privacy. I understand. I’m outta here in five seconds.”
When he finally left, the silence that fell over the room between Bray and me was like the calm before the storm.
“Sit down,” I encouraged her, taking her by the elbow and leading her to the oversized chair. She wore a pair of tight jean shorts and a white cotton top. A thin silver chain with a pink pendant hung from her neck. A mess of tan, black, and green hemp bracelets, some with beads, and others with intricate braided designs, were wrapped around both wrists.
I sat down on the ottoman, facing her, my hands folded together and hanging between my knees.
She broke my heart when she started to cry.
I could tell she was trying really hard to contain the tears in those final few seconds as I looked at her. But she couldn’t. She buried her face in the palms of her hands and cried so hard, all I could do was reach out and grab her, try to pull her onto my lap. But she pushed my arms away gently.
“No, Elias, listen to me first before you give in to my shit this time. Please!” Tears choked her voice.
I was crying on the inside, my chest a twisted knot holding down a full-blown tear-fest with all the strength I could muster. I placed my hands on her bare knees instead.
“Why are you crying?” I reached up with one hand and tucked her hair back behind her ear. This was fucking killing me, to see her like this.
Sobs shuddered through her body, as if hearing my voice just made her cry worse. And for a moment I saw sitting in front of me that little girl I had met in the pasture that night.
“Bray, I’m here. You know that. I’ll always be here for you.”
I was beginning to lose hope, thinking maybe she just needed me for a shoulder to cry on. Maybe she’d just had a bad breakup with some guy and needed me to talk to about it. I hoped I was wrong.
Finally her sobs eased enough that she could look me in the eyes and she said, “I-I just wanted to say that… I’ve loved you all my life. I know I screwed up, Elias. I made the worst mistake of my life by leaving you and for staying away for so long.” She began losing control again. So did I. “I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I had to come here to tell you how I felt! I had to!” Tears were shooting from her eyes again, her body was going rigid under my hands.
She went on:
“I was so afraid of you. I was afraid of losing you. I don’t know what made me do the things I did. I-I was stupid and crazy and, and I don’t know! But I was really messed up, Elias. I know I’m too late. Mitchell told me you fell in love and for the longest time I didn’t want to come here because I didn’t want to interfere with your life. I—”
“I’m not with anyone,” I said softly.
She froze and I heard her breath catch. Her hands were trembling between her knees.
I scooted farther to the edge of the ottoman, closer to her, and held her face in my hands.
“Do you remember what I told you on my twenty-second birthday?” I paused, searching her beautiful blue eyes, which were glossed over with moisture. “I said it was always about you.” I squeezed her face gently to add emphasis. “It’s always been you, Bray. I could never love another girl the way that I’ve loved you since we were kids. Never.” I squeezed it again, my jaw grinding. “I’ve tried. Believe me, I tried to go on with my life—dating, relationships. But no matter what I did, no matter who I was with or how good they were to me, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
I was so intent on explaining these things to her—I had rehearsed them over and over in my mind for four years—that I hadn’t even noticed her tears had changed. Instead of heartbreaking sobs rendering her weak, the tears streaming down her cheeks had become calmer, though heavier, laced with happiness even though there was still a bit of fear.
But I also hadn’t noticed that I’d finally started crying, too.
“I love you so much, Bray. So fucking much!” Sobs rattled my chest briefly until I managed to calm myself.
Bray finally gave in and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around me. I scooped her up into them, squeezing the life out of her and into me. We shared that life. We always had. And from this day forth, we both knew that we always would.
Even if it killed us.
Bray
It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to describe, but when Elias held me in his arms like that, I literally felt whole again. Or maybe for the first time. Because things were different this time around. I knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I knew I couldn’t walk out that door without him. I knew that going forward, no matter what I did, I wanted Elias to be right there with me. Not just as best friends. But as lovers, girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife. I didn’t care, as long as we were together and in love the way we were meant to be.
His lips covered mine and he kissed me deeply, passionately, stealing my breath away. My stomach fluttered and spun and did things it had never done before, not even the first time we had sex. And before I knew it, I was pulling his T-shirt over his raised arms and tossing it somewhere on the floor. He practically tore my shirt off me. We stood up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he carried me into his bedroom and threw me down on the bed.
He didn’t wait even a minute before stripping off the rest of my clothes. And then his. I watched the muscles flex in his arms and in his chest as he crawled on top of me. He was so damn gorgeous to me, every muscle, every line, every curve in his sculpted, tanned body. His mouth hungry for mine, searching my breasts and my neck and the underside of my chin until he found my lips and kissed me ravenously. I speared my hands through his wavy, chin-length dark hair, and when I reached down and took his hard length into my hand he moaned against my mouth.
“I want you inside me, Elias,” I said breathily against his mouth. “I’ve wanted this for so goddamn long.” This time it felt real. It felt right. It felt the way it should have felt our first time. And I wanted to savor it as if it were.
His powerful hips rocked against mine before he reached down with me, and his strong fingers splayed around my hand as it held his cock firmly. He guided my hand, and I gasped and threw my head back against the pillow as I felt the head of his cock enter me. My eyelids fluttered and fell helplessly over my eyes. My lips parted and a sharp gasp escaped as he slid the rest of his length slowly into my wetness. I moaned with pleasure.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered hotly against my lips, and then slipped his tongue into my mouth, his hips thrusting relentlessly against mine. “I never want you to leave me again.” He bit down on my bottom lip.
I wanted to cry hearing his words. And deep inside myself, I did. But they were tears of bliss. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed myself farther toward him, wanting him deeper.
“I’ll never leave you again,” I said, as those tears deep inside began to seep from the corners of my eyes.
I could hardly catch my breath.
“Promise me,” he said, thrusting harder.
I looked up into his eyes and saw that they were as tearful as mine; the intensity in his face much greater. I knew in that moment that if I ever left him again, it would kill him. It would kill me.
“I promise. I’ll never leave you.”
“Swear it on your life,” he said and rammed his cock into me so hard it took away what little breath I had left. My thighs trembled. My stomach flip-flopped with pleasure and excitement. Elias stared down into my eyes.
“I fucking swear on my life,” I said and meant every word. “I’ll never leave you again.”
His lips devoured mine and he fucked me harder than I had ever been fucked, until my fingers hurt from digging into the wooden headboard behind me and my legs were so weak I could hardly lift them. And when he came, he came hard on my stomach, his entire body trembling. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the sweat from his temples and from his lips.
He rested only a few minutes before he was hard again, and then he made love to me slowly until I came.
We stayed in bed all day, tangled in the sheets, our arms and legs entwined. For a long time we didn’t speak. We just stared up at the ceiling, his fingers combing through my hair, my head resting against his warm, hard chest.
“You promised,” he whispered.
I raised my head and looked at him. “I did,” I said and leaned over to kiss his lips.
He kissed me in return, but a worried look lingered in his eyes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. “I’ve lived for far too long away from you, Elias. I just wish that I had figured it out sooner.”
His eyes smiled faintly and he moved a piece of hair away from my face with the tip of his finger.
“I’m glad you kicked me in the hip that night,” he said and kissed my nose.
“Well, if you hadn’t have called me ugly, I probably wouldn’t have.”
Elias smiled and pulled me back down, laying my head against his chest again.
“You’ve always been beautiful to me,” he said, and then I felt his lips press against the top of my hair.
I was in heaven.
We were in heaven.
Chapter Six (#ulink_e9624dd0-d81c-5a8a-9454-c992f083dba9)
Elias
It took us seventeen years to truly find each other. But now that we were together, neither of us was letting go.
The first two weeks of our newfound relationship was as I had always imagined it. We went everywhere together. I introduced her as my girlfriend to my new friends and she introduced us as a couple to our old friends. And it didn’t seem to bother Bray when we’d run into an old girlfriend of mine—or a one-night stand. It didn’t bother her much anyway. Bray took it all in stride.
“Elias Kline,” Jana said, coming up behind me as I sat in a booth at the Denny’s restaurant one day. Her blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail, and her eyes were painted with heavy, dark makeup that made her look somewhat like a raccoon to me.
“Hey, Jana,” I said, setting my fork down. I looked at Bray and then back up at Jana, hovering beside our table, and said, “This is my girlfriend, Bray. Bray, this is Jana.”
“Nice to meet you,” Bray said with a smile at first I couldn’t be sure was genuine or just for show.
Jana’s darkly lined eyes skirted Bray, and I noticed their smiles seemed to match. I wondered if Bray could tell right off that I had slept with this girl before.
“Girlfriend, huh?” Jana said.
“Yes.” Bray straightened her back and stretched her arms across the table in front of her. “And you are?” she said with a smirk.
OK, their matching smiles were definitely just for show. Suddenly I felt like a bear cub dangling between mother bear and an intruder.
“I’m just a friend of Elias and Mitchell,” Jana said, and I felt a little relieved that was all she said. “There’s a party goin’ on Friday night on the river. Everybody’ll be there. You two should come.”
Bray looked over at me and relaxed her back against the cushioned booth seat again. She pursed her lips contemplatively.
“You want to go?” she asked me.
It felt like a dangerously loaded question that I wasn’t sure I should answer, but Bray really seemed interested.
“Oh come on,” Jana said, propping a hand on her hip. “We plan to spend the weekend out there. Bring a tent. Oh and it’s BYOB. Allan will be there, too, so you know what that means.” She glanced at me once, and Bray definitely noticed.
“We’ll be there,” Bray announced.
I just stayed quiet. Seemed like Bray had this secret duel going on with Jana and could handle herself. Besides, it felt safer to just stay quiet.
Women really do scare the shit out of me sometimes.
Jana smiled with teeth showing, and I briefly thought about my dick being in her mouth not long ago. I flinched inwardly as if Bray could read my mind or something.
“Awesome! I’ll see you then.” Jana smirked at me as she left our table.
“You definitely fucked her,” Bray said and took a bite of her mashed potatoes.
I felt my face stiffen.
She wasn’t angry or jealous, but she wasn’t going to hold back, either. This was Bray, after all, and I’d be worried if she didn’t say exactly what was on her mind.
I let out a small breath of laughter and picked my fork back up. “Yeah, though that’s all it was.”
“I know,” she said, smiled at me, and washed her food down with a drink of tea.
“How would you know that?” I was truly baffled, but didn’t doubt her for a second.
“Because that one was oozing fuck-me,” she said and took another small bite. She added with her mouth full, pointing her fork at me, “Nothing wrong with that if that’s what she wants to do. As long as she keeps her lips off you, we have no issue.”
“I think we’re good,” I said. “She’s kind of into Mitchell now, though I think it has more to do with him supplying her with drugs than with sex.”
Bray cocked an eyebrow. “Mitchell’s selling drugs?”
“Well, not exactly,” I said, lowering my voice because of the topic. “He started doing meth about a month ago. The two of them have been spending a lot of time together since…” I hesitated because I didn’t exactly want to bring up the fact that I’d slept with Jana the same day Bray came home. “Well, it’s been about two weeks now.”
“Why is this my first time seeing her?”
Bray was living with me in my apartment now. It took her five days to even let her family know she was back in Georgia. But that didn’t surprise me. I would never say it to Bray, but I knew her parents wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to bring her home to them.
“I kind of asked Mitchell to meet up with her somewhere other than my place.”
“Because of me?” Bray smiled knowingly.
“Yeah,” I admitted.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” she said, moving her hand underneath the table and rubbing it across my thigh. “I’m not going to freak out on you over old girlfriends or whatever. I never expected you to be celibate.”
Was this her way of clearing a path for me before I found out who she had slept with since we had been apart? In a way it felt like that, but at the same time, I knew she was being sincere about it, too. I can’t deny that I started wondering heavily about her sex life in that moment. Not that it would ever have made me love her less, but I still wanted to know.
“Who is Allan?” she asked.
Instinctively, I looked up and all around me to make sure no one was listening.
“He’s the drug dealer,” I whispered.
“Oh…” Bray looked at me warily. “And you know him how?”
“Everybody knows him,” I said. “But don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve only met him a few times.”
“Met as in bought from?” She grinned.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Nothing too bad, just some weed here and there.”
“Good,” she said. “Because I don’t deal with that meth stuff. Would hate to have to haul you off to the nearest rehab.”
“Hell no,” I said. “I’m with ya on that. I’m worried about Mitchell, though. I’ve tried to steer him clear of that shit, but he won’t listen to me.”
“I hate to say this, Elias, but if he doesn’t get help now, you’ll have to kick him out of your apartment. He’ll end up blowing up your kitchen, or taking you down with him when he gets busted.” She took a quick drink and set her glass back on the table. “Lissa’s brother’s friend in South Carolina was on meth pretty bad. They busted him before he blew his house up, but he was cooking that shit in his kitchen. It scares me.”
She was right. I hadn’t thought about it before, because Mitchell was my good friend and I never considered kicking him out. But when it comes to stuff like this, there are many more reasons not to have him living with me than there are to let him stay.
And I would never want to put Bray in any danger, either.
“I’ll talk to him tonight,” I said.
“Give him a chance, though,” she said. “Don’t just send him packing. He’ll probably blame it on me if you do that.”
And that was exactly what happened.
Later that night when Mitchell came home from wherever—I think he lost his job because of his habit, so I had no idea where he was spending his time during the day anymore—I tried talking to him.
“Mitch,” I said, hitting the Power button on the television remote. “I need to talk to you about something.”
His light-brown hair was dirty, thick with oil that kept his bangs from falling around his eyes like they naturally did. He was wearing the same Georgia Bulldogs T-shirt he had on yesterday. And the day before that.
I set the remote down on the coffee table and leaned forward in the recliner.
“Yeah, what’s up?” He plopped down on the sofa, stretching his legs across the cushions and crossing his ankles.
“I think you need to get some help, man. You’re really starting to worry me. You never sleep, and when you do it’s for two days straight. Did you lose your job?”
He wasn’t taking what I was saying seriously at first, or maybe he was just trying to brush it off, make it appear that it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. His head fell to the side so that he could see me and he reached out his hand. “Can you pass me the remote?”
I sighed, frustrated with him already. “No, Mitch, listen, I’m being serious here. You need to get some help. I’ll do whatever I can to help you, just name it. I’ll call around for a good rehab center, take you back and forth if you ever need me to. Whatever you need.”
“Rehab?” Mitchell spun around on the sofa and sat upright in an instant. His expression distorted with insult. “What the fuck are you talking about, rehab? You can’t be serious.”
I put up both hands in a surrendering fashion, trying to defuse the situation before it started. “I’m just trying to help you. If not rehab, then—”
“I don’t need your fucking help.” He stood up. “I’m not addicted to meth,” he lashed out, slashing his hand in the air in front of him. “I just do it every now and then. I can’t believe you’re even saying this shit to me. You’re no fucking angel.”
“I never claimed to be,” I said, getting pissed but keeping it contained. “But Mitch, your ‘every now and then’ is every day.”
I stood up then, too. “Look, if you won’t at least try to get some help, or get off that shit completely—drop it cold turkey if you’re not addicted—then I’m sorry, man, but you’re gonna have to find another place to live.”
His eyes grew as wide as plates.
Bray walked in the front door at that very moment.
“Hi, baby,” she said moving through the living room toward me and having no idea what was going on. She pushed up on her toes and pecked me on the lips.
Mitchell was glaring at us from behind her.
“Oh, I get it now,” he said, and Bray turned upon hearing the anger in his voice. “This is because of her.” He pointed at Bray once. “Little Miss Fucking Sunshine comes back to Georgia, moves in, and suddenly three’s a crowd.” His face contorted pathetically for a moment. “Seriously, man? You’re picking a piece of ass over your best friend? The pussy way out, man, that’s fucked up!”
I went toward him, both hands clenched into fists at my sides. Bray stepped in front of me and I stopped.
“Don’t talk about her like that, Mitch.” My jaw was clenched painfully and the blood rushed to my head. “You fucking know better. And besides, she’s always been my best friend. Not you.”
Mitchell smiled fiendishly and shook his head. He glanced back and forth between me and Bray. I was ready to knock him over the back of that sofa. One wrong word or syllable was all it was going to take. Bray knew it, too. She kept both hands pressed against my chest and her little body in my way, hoping it would be enough.
“Mitchell,” she said before he had a chance to say whatever it was he was smiling so cunningly about, “I don’t care if you stay here, and Elias knows this. This has nothing to do with me. We’re just worried. Meth is some bad shit.”
“You don’t know shit about me,” he said. “But I know about you. Ain’t that right?”
The tips of my fingers were digging into the palms of my hands. But I waited, hoping he wasn’t about to go the wrong way with this. I really didn’t want to hit him.
Mitchell smirked and went on, “See, she and I talked while she was living in South Carolina. Yeah. She told me all about that guy—” he snapped his fingers “—what was his name? Garrett? In fact, Bray called me several times. But she didn’t call you, did she? Not once. Some best friend.”
“I only called you to find out things about Elias!”
I still wanted to hit him, now more than before. But I also wanted to hear this.
Bray stepped away from me and started to go toward him, but I reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her back before she got too far.
But that didn’t stop her from shouting.
“You’re such a prick!” she roared. “Don’t you ever try to make what I did out to be something that it wasn’t!”
Mitchell threw his head back and laughed.
“A game-playing little bitch,” he said and before he could get the rest out, I was pushing Bray to the side and going toward him.
“Elias, don’t hit him!” Bray shouted at me from behind. “You know it’s the drugs!”
I shoved the coffee table out of my way and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and started pushing him toward the front door; his heels were partially dragging the carpet. By this time, I did want to hit him, more than anything, but I knew Bray was right.
“I can’t even believe you took her back after what she did!” he screamed in my face, the smell of his meth-breath whirling cruelly up into my nostrils. “All that time, Elias! That hell she put you through! All those times I listened to you talk about her, all that childhood stuff, the stupid fucking firefly story! She’s got you whipped!”
I shoved him right out the front door. He fell on his ass, but stayed there on the concrete screaming up at me, his long bangs now disheveled around his face despite the oil.
“Unfuckingbelievable! I thought you were better than that, bro,” he said.
“Your shit will be on the sidewalk by tonight,” I said, glaring down at him. “Don’t ever fucking come in here again. You understand? After you get your shit, that’s it. Don’t come back here or I’ll beat the fuck out of you.”
“Whatever, man,” he said and pushed himself to his feet. “At least give me my car keys.”
I looked over my shoulder at Bray and she went into the living room, coming back seconds later with his keys in her hand. Mitchell reached out for them, but I took them from her instead and pushed her carefully behind me.
“Don’t go near her ever again. Not for anything.”
I dropped the keys in his hand.
“Yeah, fuck you,” he said casually and turned and walked toward his car.
“I’m so sorry,” Bray said after I shut the front door.
She stepped up to me, clasping her fingers gently around my hands at my sides.
“I did not expect it to go down like that,” I said, looking toward the wall, thinking about Mitchell.
“He’ll come around,” she said. “He’s just not right in the head.”
“I know.”
Bray helped me pack up all of Mitchell’s things, which wasn’t much, just boxes of his clothes and movies and CDs. Thankfully, the only furniture in the apartment that was his was a small TV stand and a bar stool from Dickey’s Bar and Grill that he bought at an auction after Dickey’s closed down. We carried everything outside and set it near the front door instead of on the sidewalk. I didn’t want anything to get stolen or rained on.
But two days came and went, and Mitchell never came back to get it.
Chapter Seven (#ulink_47079c05-8542-585d-b9cb-6d4ad39cf111)
Bray
Elias took the falling-out with Mitchell really hard the first few days. It was only to be expected, since they had known each other even longer than we had known each other. Despite everything, Elias knew that it wasn’t his fault, and he wasn’t going to sit around and blame himself. Mitchell had brought this all on himself. Eventually, Elias went from feeling bad about what happened to indifferent.
He still had me, after all.
By Friday night, we were debating whether to go to the river or not, because Mitchell would almost definitely be there.
“I say we go, Elias. Don’t let him ruin our good time.”
Elias kissed me on the forehead and squeezed me around the waist as I sat straddled on his lap.
“OK. We’ll go. Just stay away from him, all right?”
I draped my arms around his neck and then kissed his lips. “I’ll be too busy with you to worry about him,” I said suggestively.
Elias smiled and squeezed my butt in his hands. “How did we get like this?” he asked, studying my face and my lips.
“It was inevitable,” I said in a quiet voice. My fingers touched the contours of his cheekbones and probed him as if he were a beautiful, delicate statue. He hadn’t shaved in a while, but I found the growing stubble sexy on him.
“Do you remember our first kiss?” he asked, smiling at me.
“Of course I do,” I said. “The first night we met.”
He shook his head and his hands slid up my back.
“No, I mean the first real kiss.”
I swallowed hard. On the inside I was screaming as another memory infected my thoughts in that moment, but on the outside, I looked as blissful as he did.
“Yes. I remember,” I said distantly.
Elias’ blue eyes softened, not sensing the turmoil going on inside of me. I was thankful for that.
“I’ve always wondered about that day,” he said. “When you asked me to kiss you, did you really just want to practice? Be honest.”
I swallowed again and my hands began to shake. I steadied them, interlacing my fingers around the back of his neck. The memory of our first kiss was one of my most cherished. I would never forget it. But the other, more solemn memory that always came with it nowadays was what I couldn’t bear.
“I did want to practice,” I answered, hiding the pain in my heart. “But it was just an excuse. I really just wanted you to kiss me.”
Elias’s smile widened. And then he touched his lips to mine, slowly brushing the tip of his tongue between them. I wilted in his arms.
He made love to me that morning before we packed the car and headed to the river. And I noticed—very hard not to—something about Elias that I never expected, but that drove me absolutely mad for him. Every time we would have sex, he was different, he would feel different. Sometimes aggressive, sometimes explorative, though it seemed like he was holding something back. I had been with several guys, but none of them had anything on Elias. Sex with him was never the same. He was focused, determined, meticulous, and experienced. And each time I went in, I found myself wondering what he was going to do to me this time. Just anticipating it was thrilling. And sometimes scary. In a good way.
For the first time in my life I didn’t feel wrong about the way I was inside. I didn’t feel ashamed. But instead, I felt like I could almost be myself completely with Elias. But only almost. I wasn’t ready yet to lay something like that on him. I was afraid of making him look at me differently, or lose respect for me.
Because the truth was, I was addicted to sex.
I wanted it all the time. In every way. On the outside I was a seemingly innocent girl by today’s standards. Before Elias, whenever I would have sex with guys, I always felt ashamed afterward. I didn’t want any of them, sexually or otherwise. I wanted Elias in every way imaginable.
Now that I had him and was picking up these familiar sexual vibes from him, my mind began to spin with the possibilities.
Were Elias and I more alike than we ever knew? Was that even possible? Was Elias just as addicted to sex as I was?
By this time, even without knowing the answers to those questions yet, I thought that life really couldn’t get any better. We were in complete and absolute love, finally living the dream with one another that we had always dreamed about. There was so much to do, so many things about ourselves and about life to explore together, and we had our whole lives ahead of us in which to do it.
But on the night of April 20, everything we knew would change, and that life together we had waited so long to have would come crashing down around us like some cruel fucking joke.
* * *
We made it to the secluded party spot on the river just after dark. It was getting slightly cooler as the night approached, but that never stopped anyone we knew from swimming. Summer in Georgia wasn’t officially here, but it might as well have been.
There were a lot of people at the river, some I knew, most I didn’t. Tents had been pitched throughout the woods, spaced far enough apart for privacy. Two separate campfires burned, and people sat around each of them talking and drinking. The smell of pot filled the air. Not even two minutes in, as Elias and I carried in our camping gear, a group of people offered us a joint. We stopped and took a hit before heading into the woods to stake our claim on a spot for the weekend.
“I haven’t seen him yet,” I said about Mitchell as I set our ice chest down beside a tree.
Elias unzipped the tent bag and started setting up. “Well, maybe we’ll get lucky and he won’t show.”
“Hopefully,” I said.
After we were satisfied with our setup, we walked through the trees the short distance back to the main camp, where everyone was sitting. Music was playing from a portable radio, but the river was so close that it nearly drowned out the music coming from the tiny speakers.
We sat down next to a couple and immediately the guy passed a joint to Elias. Elias took a long hit and shotgunned it to me, exhaling it into my mouth. My eyes watered and burned a little, but at that point I didn’t care.
“I’m tellin’ ya, man,” another guy to our left said in a half-joking manner, “once you get married, it all goes to shit. Should jus’ keep things like they are.” The guy took a hit and let the smoke trickle out of his lips and funnel back through his nostrils.
“He would know,” the blonde-haired girl sitting next to him said. She took the joint from him and put it to her lips, pressed between the tips of her thumb and index finger. “My dear idiot brother here has been married twice.” Her voice strained and cracked as she held the smoke deep in her lungs. “Was with his ex for six years. Perfect together. Got married and—” she snapped her fingers “—poof! Instant destruction of a perfectly good relationship.”
Laughter ripped through the air.
Elias pulled me from beside him and over between his legs, wrapping his arms around me from behind. I could tell he wasn’t paying any attention to the conversations going on around us. Not the one about that guy’s bad luck with marriages, or the one on the other side of us about some girl’s recent endometriosis diagnosis. He was enjoying his high, and I was enjoying mine with him.
We zoned out for a while, me sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest. We listened mostly to the mix of the radio and the nearby river, which somehow blended harmoniously. Being high has many strange and unexpected perks. After a couple of hours, most of our company either went swimming, or drank too much then hit their tents to pass out.
Elias nuzzled his mouth at the back of my neck. My body folded forward, attacked by a tickling sensation that raced down my spine.
“Want to go for a swim?” he asked, then whispered hotly into my ear, “Or, you can go to the tent with me.”
I giggled and tilted my head to one side, exposing my neck to his mouth. He dragged his teeth across the skin, raising chill bumps all over my body.
“Why don’t we do both?” I suggested and licked his tongue playfully with the tip of mine.
He smiled and drew his head back. “You want to swim in the tent?”
I teasingly elbowed him in the ribs. “No,” I said and turned around on my knees to face him. I leaned inward toward his ear, bit his earlobe, and said, “You can fuck me in the water.”
And that was just what we were doing when Jana and Mitchell finally made their grand appearance.
Mitchell jumped off a rock several feet high into the water not far from us. It scared the crap out of me, but Elias was so close to getting off that he wasn’t about to let something like that stop him. It was always harder to get off when under water, so the thirty minutes we spent with my legs wrapped around his waist and him slowly thrusting in and out of me wasn’t going to be for nothing.
Elias grabbed me closer, one arm around my back, the other positioned partway in between my butt cheeks, and held me still when I startled.
“Ignore him,” he said, staring deeply into my eyes, his face just mere inches from mine, as he tried to stay focused.
He never took his eyes off mine. It made me insanely crazy for him. I pushed my bikini-covered breasts firmly against his rock-hard chest and kissed him. He devoured my mouth, pushing in and out of me beneath the water the whole time. Water dripped from his lips and his cheeks and I licked it off of him. The gesture made him thrust deeper, his fingers digging painfully into my back.
“Oh look,” I heard Mitchell say, “It’s my best friend. Who kicked me out for a girl.”
Elias’s concentration was unshaken. I, on the other hand, was getting pissed. And a little worried someone—mainly Mitchell—would notice what we were doing. He certainly didn’t need any more fuel for the fire he started.
Jana jumped into the water next, thankfully slightly farther away from us than Mitchell had.
“Come on, Mitchell,” I heard her say. I never looked away from Elias’s eyes. “Don’t do that shit here. You’ll ruin everyone’s night, not just theirs.”
The two of them swam away in the opposite direction and left us alone.
But apparently Mitchell’s presence and misplaced grudge against Elias, instead of the apology Elias had been hoping he’d get if he saw Mitchell tonight, was too much of a distraction. He pulled out of me without getting off and then hugged me.
“I’m sorry,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
“What are you apologizing to me for?” I kissed his lips. “He’s a fucking asshole. Enough to kill anyone’s buzz or orgasm.” I brought my hand out of the water and flicked droplets at his face. “You can finish with me later. However you want it.”
For a second, it seemed Elias was just going to smile and join in with my impish gestures, but I saw something shift in his eyes when I said that last part. He looked at me with a deep curiosity.
“However I want it?” he asked, searching for further explanation.
I rested three of my fingers on his nose and then dragged them down his face and onto his lips, where he kissed each one individually.
“Yeah,” I responded coyly. “You know you can do anything you want to me, right?”
He still looked incredibly curious, that sidelong look in his darkening gaze, but I could sense that he was as afraid to come out and say what he was thinking as much as I was. We were still feeling each other out. Testing those boundaries. Hoping that there were no boundaries. But we were each afraid of scaring the other one off. We should’ve known that nothing could ever do that. It would’ve saved us a lot of pent-up sexual frustration a lot earlier on.
A giant gush of water covered us like an angry ocean wave. Elias and I broke apart from each other’s grasp. I couldn’t see; the water burned my eyes as well as my nostrils and the back of my throat.
“What the fuck, man?!” I heard Elias shout.
I pushed the heavy, wet hair back away from my face and finally got my eyes open. I saw Elias first, and he had a murderous look on his face. I swam back over to him and draped my arms over the back of his shoulders, wrapping my legs around him from behind.
Mitchell was grinning enormously, proud that he’d splashed us.
“Let’s just go to our tent,” I said.
He ignored me. “You’re twenty-seven years old, man,” he snapped at Mitchell. “A little old to be acting like that, don’t you think?”
“Seriously, baby, let’s just go.”
Mitchell laughed and laid on his back, floating on top of the surface. He spit water into the air. Jana, floating upright next to him, dodged it and made a face. Mitchell didn’t say anything else, but there was no shortage of spiteful looks exchanged as Elias and I left the water and got as far away from him as we could.
“We can go home if you want,” Elias said to me. He pushed back a low-hanging tree branch to clear the path for me, and his other hand rested on my lower back.
“No,” I said. “I want to stay. Screw him. I can’t believe he’s even acting like that. I feel like we’re back in junior high school.”
“Well, it’s like you said, it’s the drugs. He’s definitely not himself.”
We made our way up the rocky path leading back to our tent, hand in hand. But before we got there, my left flip-flop broke.
“Shit.” I bent over to fool with the strip between my toes, trying to make it hold long enough so I could walk the rest of the way through the woods.
Elias lifted me up, swung me around on his back, carried me the rest of the way. My arms were hooked around his neck and his were hooked around my thighs. We hung out at the tent for a long time, but neither of us could sleep. We had uncomfortable sex inside the tent, and then we talked for a while until we decided to explore the bluffs. I “borrowed” a passed-out girl’s flip-flops from another tent nearby, and Elias and I headed deeper into the woods.
Chapter Eight (#ulink_a544c3bf-4385-5016-a510-23b370dc0c94)
Bray
“What if we get lost?” I asked, gripping Elias’s hand. “We didn’t exactly bring any survival gear.”
“We’re not going far,” he said. “I saw a ridge when we were swimming. People were hanging out on top of it.” He pointed. “It’s just up ahead. Jared and a few of the other guys went this way to get to it.”
I had seen it, too, and wondered how everybody got over there.
After several more minutes of pushing our way between trees and bushes and stepping over dead branches and stray rocks, we emerged from the woods into a clearing at the top of the ridge that overlooked the river many feet below. A campfire had burned here recently; I could smell the leftover heat and smoke still rising from the charcoaled sticks on the small pile. A few empty beer bottles were strewn about the ground.
We walked to the edge of the ridge and looked out at the river; the moonlight was reflected off the water like hundreds of little diamonds. Some of our friends were still in the river below, floating on small plastic rafts, but it was fairly quiet everywhere, as the party had begun to die down for the night.
I sat down near the edge of the ridge and drew my knees toward my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. The breeze blew through my hair, and I closed my eyes and raised my chin to the sky, taking in the tranquility of the night.
Elias sat down next to me, propping his wrists on his bent knees. “I almost went to South Carolina after you,” he said.
I glanced over. He was looking out at the water. “Why didn’t you?” I asked.
“Mitchell told me you were engaged.”
I started to turn to him, shocked by what I’d heard, but I realized it didn’t surprise me much. “Well, he lied,” I said in a calm voice instead. After a pause, I added, “I wish you would’ve come after me anyway.”
Elias looked right at me, the emotion in his eyes pulling me in. The breeze brushed through the messy dark hair that framed his beautiful, stubbly face. “I know,” he said and looked away. “And you should’ve called me instead of Mitchell.” There was no blame or resentment in his voice.
“I know,” I said.
“I guess there are a lot of things we could’ve and should’ve done differently,” he said. “But you came back regardless. And we’re together now, despite all of that. And that has to count for something.”
Silence fell between us for a moment, giving us both time to reflect.
“Did you love her?” I asked about Aline, and I knew there was no need to clarify who I was talking about. I knew enough about her from Mitchell.
“Yeah,” he said and I felt an uncomfortable twinge in my stomach. “But she wasn’t you. I can love a lot of people. Aline. My parents. Hell, even Mitch’s dumb ass. But I could never love anyone the way I love you.”
The twinge softened and became something warm.
“Did you love him?” Elias asked.
“No,” I answered honestly. “I, uh…” I sighed and looked out ahead of me again. “I think I used him,” I admitted to Elias and to myself. And while I felt like a horrible person for it, suddenly I felt the need to spill the truth because I had been holding this inside for so long.
I went on:
“Even before I left, before we got together on your twenty-second birthday, every guy I was with, I think deep down was a substitute for you. It’s why none of them lasted, why I couldn’t date anyone for more than two months. I told you before, Elias, I was always scared of being with you. Of ruining what we had.”
“I know,” he said, but it was all that he said. I got the sense he wanted me to continue.
And so I did. I took another deep breath and began to tap my fingers against my knees out of nervousness.
“Lissa introduced me to Garrett,” I said. “He was a friend of her brother’s. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me, or how I managed to stay with him for a year, but I did. I didn’t love him, but I guess I needed him. He wasn’t you, but he was there.”
And I needed sex, I wanted to say, but couldn’t. I didn’t want to sleep around with a bunch of different guys, so I found one and stuck with him. I used him for sex. I used him to pretend that he was you. I used him. I’m awful.
I couldn’t say these things out loud. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad that every word was on my tongue, pushing against the back of my teeth. I needed to get the truth out—about Garrett, about all of the other guys after him—to feel the impending relief. But I was still scared. I knew that I could trust Elias more than anyone in this world, that Elias would stand behind me no matter my flaws. But it was a double-edged knife, because I was terrified of losing that one person. And I had seen people lose others over much less.
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” he said, surprising me.
My gut twisted in knots.
“You know you can always tell me anything,” he went on, but I couldn’t look at him. “There is absolutely nothing you could ever say or do that would make me leave you.”
He knew I was hiding things from him, and he was desperate to know my secrets. And I was desperate to tell him. But he didn’t want to push me. He wanted me to tell him when I was ready, but he was letting me know that it would be OK.
And I believed him. I looked over, into his eyes, and he smiled warmly back at me.
I was going to tell him right then. Suddenly, it felt right. That small window a person is given in which to say or do something they’ve always been afraid to had opened up for me in that moment. I felt elated and alive and longed to not feel suffocated anymore by the weight I carried on my chest.
But the window closed too quickly, and I shut down.
It was as if he could sense it right away, too, because I saw the hope and determination in his eyes fade seconds after the window closed. But he wasn’t mad. Disappointed, yes, but never mad at me. That only made me love him more.
He reached out his hand and cupped the back of my neck, pulling my head toward him. He pressed his lips to my forehead.
“Y’know, I think I’d rather sleep up here than in that stuffy tent,” I said after a minute of quiet.
Elias pursed his lips and thought about it, then his head bobbed in agreement. “Not a bad idea,” he said and stood up. “Let’s go back and get the blankets.” He reached out his hand to me.
“I can wait here,” I said. “Unless you want me to go with you.”
“No, I can go,” he said. “It’s not that far. I’ll be right back.”
He leaned over and kissed me on the lips, then walked across the opening and disappeared among the trees.
It was so peaceful sitting on the top of the ridge all alone, looking out at the dark landscape and how the river snaked a path through the trees below. I gazed up at the sky and closed my eyes again to savor the wind on my face. It had been a long time since I felt this free, not since I was kid. I hated that with growing up came the knowledge that life won’t always be like it was when we were children. I wished we could just grow backward.
I heard footsteps behind me coming from the trees, and I thought initially that Elias was back sooner than expected. Two figures emerged from the woods far away from where Elias had gone back in.
As the two moved closer into the moonlight, I saw that the skinny blonde-haired one was Jana. The other was a girl with supershort black hair whom I had never seen before.
I stood up as Jana stumbled toward me, the black-haired girl following close behind.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” I thought I heard Jana say, but I wasn’t completely sure, as her words were slurred and choppy.
She was clearly drunk. And maybe high on something, too. Her more so than her friend, who didn’t have any trouble standing up straight.
“Are you all right?” I asked, peering at Jana.
Her black bikini top sat sloppily over her breasts, barely containing them. The straps were left untied from around her neck and hung freely. She had on a pair of men’s shorts, and she wore no shoes. I noticed one of her big toes was bleeding.
“I’m fanfuckingtastic,” she said with a big drunken smile. “Hey, aren’t you Elias’s girlfriend?” Her finger unfolded from her hand and pointed at me shakily.
Then she looked over at her friend and said, “This was the girl I was telling you about.”
Jana stumbled again and almost fell. I grabbed her instinctively and held her up by the elbow, but she shoved my hand away. “I got this,” she snapped. “Don’t… I’m great, I told you.”
I didn’t really want to help her anyway, so I was happy to let go.
“Yes, I’m Elias’s girlfriend,” I finally answered.
She attempted a grin, but it was quickly overrun by the lazy fluttering of her eyelids as though she was struggling to keep her eyes open.
“He’s a good lay,” she said to me and then smiled at the black-haired girl, who looked bored, or just ready to get back to the party rather than stand up here with the two of us.
I gritted my teeth at Jana’s comment but held my composure.
Jana laughed and almost fell over again. This time I didn’t try to stop her. I wanted her to fall.
“They both fucked me at the same time,” she added, that grin finally winning its battle with the inevitable unconsciousness. But she didn’t seem to be gloating about it, just reminiscing a little too openly. “Him and Mitchell. God damn.” Then she looked right at me and pointed again. “Have you done them both? Surely you have, since you lived with them and all.” She said it so casually, as if she and I were talking about what to have for breakfast. Clearly she wouldn’t be saying these things if she wasn’t so messed up. No, I take that back—she definitely would.
“Ummm, no, I haven’t,” I answered, trying to stay calm when really what I wanted to do was hit her in the fucking mouth.
“Let’s go back to the fire,” the black-haired girl said.
“Well, you should,” Jana said to me, ignoring the girl’s suggestion. Her upper body swayed backward slightly like a tower hit by a gust of wind.
Then she stuck her finger in my face. “Hey. Oh my God!” Her breath was rancid. “We could totally have a foursome. You game? Or shit, a fivesome!” She pointed at the girl and the girl’s face soured. “Wait”—she had a dumb moment look on her face all of a sudden—“that’s an orgy, right?”
I swallowed hard and took a step back away from her. “No,” I said. “I think I’ll fucking pass.”
“Uh, yeah, me too,” the black-haired girl said. “Jana, I think you need to find your tent and sleep it off. Seriously.”
“Fine. Whatever,” Jana said, but she wasn’t responding to the girl. She was still talking to me. Her eyelids started getting heavy again. “Probably better, anyway. I think I fucked up when I screwed them. I mean it wasn’t that long ago, but I think I might be pregnant with your boyfriend’s baby.”
The breeze burned my eyes as they widened and I sucked in a sharp breath. “What the hell did you say?”
The black-haired girl shook her head and took a step back. “I’ll see you later. No bitch drama for me tonight.” And then she walked off toward the path that Elias took and left Jana and me standing alone.
Jana’s head swiveled on her shoulders and she tried to stifle a laugh, pressing the side of her index finger against her lips.
Now she was gloating.
“Yeah, I’m like five days late,” she said twirling a hand in the air, pleased to be filling my head with this information. “And I’m never late. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m knocked up.”
I punched her right between the eyes and her head snapped backward. I don’t know how she managed to stay on her feet that time. It was an uncontrollable reaction to hit her, in retaliation to her taunting me about it. I regretted it a second after I pulled my fist back. My knuckles stung painfully.
With her hand cupping her nose, she just laughed.
“For your sake,” I said with anger rising in my voice, “you better hope that’s not true.”
I started to walk away, back through the clearing and toward the trees. She followed.
“Or what?” she mocked me. “You won’t do shit except babysit our kid on the weekends. Fuck you.” She laughed.
I kept walking toward the trees, but I was blinded by anger and hatred and so many other emotions that I didn’t realize I was walking in the wrong direction, more toward the area Jana had come from rather than to where Elias had gone.
She kept following me, and I kept walking. All the while, she yelled curses at me and taunted me. Tears streamed down my face. My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands, almost breaking the skin. I couldn’t get the images out of my head: her pregnant with Elias’s baby, him divided between the two of us, him leaving me to be with her, thinking he was only doing the right thing. I even saw him marrying her. Their life together flashed before my eyes, and before I knew it I was standing at the edge of a ravine. I had taken a wrong turn at some point, and the only way back was past Jana, who was closing in on me from behind with her hateful, spiteful words and that laughter in her voice that made me want to kill her. Figuratively, of course.
“Move!” I said, turning to face her. I went to push my way past her, but she grabbed me by the arm.
“Fucking move!” I roared.
A white-hot pain seared through the side of my head. I spun on one heel and fell backward, tripping over a rock. Before I could get to my feet, I reached up and touched the side of my face where she had hit me, letting the realization of what she did sink in. Then I sprung to my feet and was mere seconds from beating the shit out of her. I was in her face, our noses practically touching, my hands clenched into fists at my sides.
But I couldn’t bring myself to hit her again. If she was pregnant, I couldn’t hit her because I felt like I’d be hitting that baby, too. I hated her. I fucking hated that bitch for coming into my life and ruining what Elias and I had gone through so much together to have. But I couldn’t hit her back. I started to walk away, but she grabbed me from behind, both of her hands winding tightly in the back of my hair. She became violent, like an animal, so quickly it made my head spin. She screamed something I didn’t understand, and all I could do was try to pry her hands off me.
Finally, I managed to whirl around at her, flinging her hands away and into the air above her.
“GET! OFF!” I wailed and pushed her in a last desperate attempt to be free of her.
She stumbled backward.
I froze and watched in absolute horror as she missed the tree, tripped over her own feet, and fell right off the side of the ravine.
Through the seemingly infinite silence that suddenly consumed me, I heard her body hit the rocks below with a stomach-turning crunch.
I stopped breathing in that moment. No, everything stopped in that moment. The wind. The sky. The river. The world. Everything….
Chapter Nine (#ulink_b23dd525-d99f-526b-bfc0-c2a546edc8af)
Elias
When I made my way back to the top, I found Bray wasn’t sitting near the edge of the ridge where I had left her I moved farther out into the clearing with our blankets draped over one shoulder.
“Bray?” I said, looking around.
I brushed it off for a second, thinking she was probably just taking a piss behind a tree somewhere, and I set our blankets on the ground.
But then I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I walked quickly toward the edge and looked over. My heart started to bang against my rib cage. I peered down as far as my sight could penetrate the darkness, but took a step back upon realizing that if she had fallen there was no way I’d be able to see from way up here.
She had to be somewhere around close by. She had to be.
“Bray?” I called out again. “Where the hell did you go?”
Still no answer.
Panic set in quickly. I stood there as still and as quiet as I could for several long seconds in case she was coming through the woods, but I heard nothing. I arranged both hands around my mouth and shouted, “BRAY!” and my voice echoed through the wide-open space. But still nothing. I felt sick to my stomach. She wouldn’t have left like that way out here. And if she did, I would’ve seen her on the path coming down as I was making my way back up.
I ran toward the tree line, searching for any sign of her, for another path she might have taken. I refused to believe that she had fallen off the edge.
Just as I noticed another path through the woods that seemed to head south and I started to go toward it, I heard footfalls in the leaves. I didn’t wait to see if it was her, I ran blindly straight into the woods. A skinny branch slapped me across the forehead on my way, but I didn’t stop.
Bray and I nearly crashed into each other.
“Shit, baby! Where the hell did you go? Scared the hell out of me!” I started to pull her into a hug, but something about her was off and I stopped. She didn’t respond or even raise her head to look at me.
“Are you all right?”
I took her hands into mine. Hers were shaking. Her whole body was shaking.
I cupped her face in my palms and raised her head so that she’d look at me. She was crying, and something in her eyes… I couldn’t place it, but it haunted me. I wondered if she even knew I was standing right in front of her. Her hair was messy, with pieces of leaves stuck within a mass of strands. Dirt was smeared across her left cheek. She looked like she’d been in a fight.
I touched her split lip, where a thin line of blood glistened near the corner. “Bray, you’re scaring me. What happened to you?” I shook her gently and then more aggressively when she still didn’t respond. “What happened? Talk to me!”
Her lips trembled and more tears seeped from the corners of her eyes. And then as if a floodgate had been opened, she started screaming through her tears, “It was my fault! Elias! Oh my God!”
“What happened?” I roared, scared for her and for myself, my heart about to burst through my chest.
“Jana!” her voice trembled and she began to stutter. “Sh-she fell. Jana f-fell. Right off the cliff!”
“What?” I said, suddenly almost completely calm. I don’t think what she had just said registered in my mind yet.
Then suddenly, it did register and my heart stopped.
I crouched down in front of her, squeezed her trembling hands within mine, and I looked up into her reddened, tear-soaked eyes as she stood before me.
“Bray, look at me. Look at me.” She did. “Are you sure?”
She nodded in an unsteady, jerking motion. The tears never stopped flowing. Her pretty face distorted with every kind of pain and anguish and guilt that a person could possibly feel at once.
“Show me,” I said with intent, trying to contain the dread and panic. “Take me to where it happened.”
She shook her head at first but then nodded. “OK.”
I followed close beside her as she led me through the woods toward the edge of a ravine not even two minutes from the clearing. I held her hand tight as I stepped to the edge and looked over. The drop was no more than fifty or sixty feet, where I could clearly see Jana’s body splayed out on the rocks.
“Holy shit….”
Bray ruptured into heartrending sobs, and she buried her face in her hands. I seized her and pulled her harshly against my chest, squeezing my arms tight around her shaking body, my hands holding fast to her head.
“Shhh, baby please, stop crying. Listen to me. We have to go down there. We have make sure. Can you do that? Bray, can you help me?” I tried my best to calm her down. I held her gaze until she seemed fully coherent and cooperative. I wiped the tears from her cheeks.
She nodded slowly.
“We’ll figure this out, OK? Now let’s go.”
It took us what felt like a very long time, thirty minutes at least, to find the easiest way partway down the ravine and to Jana’s body. And once we got there, I knew before we even got close enough to see if she was breathing, that she dead.
Jana was dead. Jana was dead.
The words kept running through my mind, over and over again like a broken record. I think for two minutes straight I had an out-of-body experience, because nothing around me felt real. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the body. The rock beneath her head was painted with glistening red that appeared black in the darkness. Jana’s eyes were open, staring up at the sky, lifeless and empty, though still full of something… they were full of the truth of what happened. I finally looked at Bray standing next to me, on the verge of full-blown traumatization. At any moment she was going to crack. She was going to slip into oblivion, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to pull her out of it.
I pulled her against me again, even tighter this time, and felt her ribs moving against mine. “Stay with me,” I said. “We’re going to figure this out. Do you understand?”
And I held her there. We stood together next to the body.
I thought of my mother and the things she always said to me when I was growing up: Always do what you know in your heart is right. No matter what, Elias.
And I wept going over those words in my mind. I cried and shook and lost myself as much as Bray had done for a moment, crushing her against me, never wanting to let her go. But finally, I pulled Bray away from my chest and clasped my hands around her upper arms. “Baby, look at me and tell me… swear to me… that this was an accident.”
She fell to her knees on the cool rock and I went down with her.
“Please, Bray, tell me the truth.”
“It was an accident! I swear! I pushed her off of me, but she stumbled back too far and tripped and went over the edge! I didn’t think I’d pushed her hard enough! I didn’t want to push her off!” She screamed every word at me but it felt more like she was trying to convince herself, to make herself understand what just happened. Her face was stricken by pain. So much pain. Her fists were clenched against her thighs.
I tried to grab her head, but she jostled herself to the side and started puking on the damp bank next to the rock we stood on. I pulled her hair back and away from her shoulders and held her loosely around the waist while she threw up. She cried so much that her voice was strained when she tried to speak between vomiting intervals. “I didn’t mean—” and she’d vomit before she could get the rest of the words out. “I wasn’t try—”
Finally, she fell against my body when she couldn’t puke anymore, and I enveloped her in my arms and rocked her gently, brushing her hair away from her forehead.
“I-I don’t want to go to prison,” she said. “They’ll send me to prison, Elias. I can’t prove it was an accident. Elias, they’ll charge me with murder.” Her voice started to rise again and her body became stiff in my arms. “Please don’t let them take me to prison!”
She was crying heavily again.
“Shhh… that’s not going to happen. You can tell them the truth. Just tell the truth and this will work out. I have to believe that.”
I didn’t believe that…
“No, Elias,” she cried. “They won’t believe me. People know you slept with her. Mitchell knows. I’m the new girlfriend. People will assume. And…” She stopped cold.
“And what?”
Her hands were trembling harder.
“Bray, what is it?”
“She… she told me she thought she might’ve been pregnant.” She hesitated again. She didn’t want to finish. “With your baby.”
I froze.
“That’s ridiculous,” I said. “I-I mean, it’s not impossible, but I used protection. It wasn’t even that long ago.” My head was spinning now with the possibilities, my heart a heavy, uneven series of beats. I was almost as traumatized as Bray was at this point. “How would she even know something like that so early? I used a condom. It didn’t break. If she was pregnant, I doubt it was mine. Possible, but unlikely.” I was rambling now. Nervous as hell that something like that could’ve been true.
“She was just fucking with you,” I added, completely believing that, because it was the only thing that made sense.
“It doesn’t matter, Elias. She’s dead and I was the last one to be seen with her! There was a girl here with her just before it happened! And I, more than anyone out here, had motive. They won’t believe it was an accident! They’ll crucify me!” She buried her face in my chest, her fingers digging into the back of my neck.
I decided to do the right thing, just like my mother always said. In that moment, it was the right thing to do…
“Let’s go,” I said, pulling her to her feet. “We have to get out of here.”
Bray looked at me with confusion in her eyes, but it took all of two seconds for her to understand and follow me. We found our way back to the ridge in the clearing. We didn’t speak, overwhelmed by what had happened and exhausted by the uphill climb. I held her hand tight the whole way, afraid to let her go for even a second.
I was afraid to let her go…
I grabbed our blankets from the ground and tossed them over my shoulder.
Finally, I spoke. “Now listen to me, OK?”
She nodded.
“When we go back to the main camp we have to act normal. Hopefully no one will notice us, but if they do we have to act normal.”
“Are we leaving… now?” she asked nervously.
“Yes,” I said. “If they find her while we’re still here…” I stopped. I sighed. But I had to be truthful with her. “Bray, I’m not confident enough to believe that you won’t break down in front of everyone. We can’t stay here for that. Do you understand?”
She nodded again. “But it won’t be normal for us to leave in the middle of the night,” she pointed out.
I hadn’t thought of that. A heavy breath rattled through my chest. I looked out toward the ridge for a moment.
In the end, I could think of nothing. Nothing was going to make this better. I knew deep in my gut that unless she turned herself in, that if I didn’t talk her into doing the right thing, that from this point on everything would just get worse.
I pushed myself away from her and threw the blankets on the ground in a rage. “AHHH!” I shouted, balling my fists beside me, my arms bent upward. I went to the edge of the ridge. “God damn it!” My hands gripped the back of my head and I just stood there like that, staring into the dark sky.
Bray came up behind me. I felt her hands slip around my waist from behind, the softness of her cheek pressed against my bare back.
“I won’t turn myself in,” she said softly, as if she knew what I was thinking. “Elias, I know in my heart that this will be the end of us. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you, of being taken away from you and put away. Haven’t we been apart long enough?”
Those last words wrenched my heart. My fingers dug in between hers against my stomach. I choked back the tears.
“If you don’t want to leave with me,” she continued, “I’ll understand. It’s probably better that you don’t. Because this wasn’t your fault. You don’t need to ruin your life because of me. But I want you to know—”
“I’m not going to leave you,” I stopped her, turning around to face her. “I’m not going to lose you. It’s you and me, it always has been. It always will be.”
I smashed my lips against her forehead.
We made it out of the camp that night without a scene. Only one person stopped us to ask why we were leaving, and Bray pretended to be sick. It wasn’t hard for her to pull off especially since she looked like she had been to hell and back. And she smelled faintly of vomit.
It was daylight when we arrived back at my apartment. Everything was different. The way the early morning sun hung over the trees and how it always made the wind chimes hanging outside my neighbor’s front door glisten and sparkle. The sunrise seemed darker; the reflected light on the shiny metal trinkets, lifeless. I didn’t hear any birds. I had always heard birds chirping in the early morning, but not this morning. Maybe they were there, carrying on like they always did, but I didn’t hear them. Even the paint on the apartment walls appeared dull and faded. The comfort I always felt when I’d walk through my front door after work was replaced with something ominous. Nothing was the same and it never would be again.
Bray and I knew that skipping town would would look suspicious, and put us on the police’s radar. But we also knew that it didn’t matter much at this point, because what we had already done was enough to make us the number one suspects. The motives that Bray pointed out. Mitchell having it in for me and knowing everything about those motives. Us leaving the camp before the first night was over. It didn’t matter what we did from that moment on. We just knew that we had to get away. We hoped that maybe Jana’s body wouldn’t be discovered. It was our only way out.
Of course, the bodies are almost always found, sooner or later. And since we didn’t try to hide it and left it out in the open, I knew too that “sooner” would trump “later.”
Chapter Ten (#ulink_b48491d8-1adc-54c0-9187-15f5afc565a3)
Elias
We drove southeast toward the ocean and wound up in Savannah. Things quieted down while we were on the road. We sat mostly in silence for the four-hour drive, but every now and then one of us would bring up the what-ifs and the maybes, which always rendered us silent again, left us to think heavily about this ever-expanding web of disorder we were creating for ourselves. One question would produce three more, but never any answers. By the time we found a small shithole of a motel to stay in, we had exhausted the topic. For a short while, anyway.
I chose this motel, likely the first choice of hookers and drug dealers, because it was one of the few that accepted cash and didn’t care if I’d “lost” my driver’s license.
The only thing that worried me as I stood at the front desk waiting to get my room key was that I was already in fugitive mode. It was like something was triggered in my brain that told me that we had to be careful in everything we did. Use fake names. Pay only with cash. Don’t call home. Don’t answer the phone when home calls us. And we hadn’t even officially been targeted as suspects yet. Hell, we didn’t know if Jana’s body had even been found.
“I’m starving,” Bray said, sitting down on the end of the bed.
“I’ll get us something,” I said. “There’s a few fast-food restaurants farther down the road.”
She reached out to me, and I took her hand and crouched on the floor in front of her. She brushed her fingers across my unshaven face. I kissed them.
“I love you,” she said with a weak smile. She was exhausted. Physically and mentally. We both were.
I raised up on my toes enough to reach her lips. “I love you, too,” I said after I pulled my lips away from hers. Then I stood up and grabbed my keys from the nightstand. “I’ll be back soon,” I said and left her in the room.
Instead of stopping at a restaurant I drove right past them all and went straight to my father’s house about ten minutes away.
He welcomed me at the door with open arms. “Elias! It’s good to see you, son. Come on in.”
If there was any person in the world whom I could trust and count on even more than Bray, it was my father. Unlike my mom, who was always the voice of reason, the do-gooder, my dad was the one who wasn’t beyond doing the wrong thing if, in his heart, it happened to be right. His was another kind of voice. Like father, like son. In more ways than one. I favored my father. I inherited his dark hair and blue eyes.
“You didn’t mention you were coming to Savannah las’ time we talked,” he said.
He brought two bottles of beer from the kitchen and handed me one as I sat on his old beige sofa.
“It was an unexpected trip,” I said.
“Well, I’m always glad to have ya here,” he said with a proud smile. He pushed his glasses up to the top of his nose.
We took a sip of beer at the same time and silence ensued.
“Dad, I’m in trouble.” I got right to the point. Not only was I not afraid to tell him, but I didn’t want to leave Bray alone in the motel for longer than I had to.
My dad cocked an eyebrow and his beer hung inches from his lips in pause. Slowly he lowered it. “What kind of trouble?”
“The worst trouble I’ve ever been in.”
He set the beer on the coffee table. All traces of him being happy to see me dimmed on his face. He looked intent and worried and, as I had expected of him, very fatherly and ready to do whatever he had to in order to help me.
“Talk to me, son.”
“You remember Brayelle, don’t you?”
He nodded and smiled again briefly. “Of course I remember her. Cute little girl. Beautiful like your mother later on when she grew up. Had a mouth like a biker chick.” He laughed and then said, “She was the one your mom whipped you over because you snuck out that summer I went to Michigan. Brayelle always was the Bonnie to your Clyde.”
His words stunned me. He had no idea how relevant the seemingly innocent comparison was.
He smiled again and winked at me. “Yeah, I knew all about her.” He grinned.
“Then you knew how I felt about her,” I said.
“Umm-hmm.” He took another swallow. “You were in love with that girl from the moment you saw her. I may not’ve been around much, but some things are easy to figure out in just a few visits. You two were always together.” He rested his back against the chair. “I used to look at your mom like that.”
“Well, something happened last night,” I began. “I’m not going to tell you the details—don’t want to drag you into it any more than I am just by being here. But I want you to know that it was an accident.”
He narrowed his gaze on me subtly. “Was it her accident, or yours?”
“It was Bray’s.”
“And you’re sure it was an accident?” He looked at me in a short, sidelong manner.
“Yes, she said it was an accident, and I believe her.”
“Do you?” He raised his back from the recliner and slumped over forward, resting his arms across his pant legs. “Think about it, Elias. Think about it long and hard, because the answer really is the difference between you doing what the law says is right and you doing what your heart says is right. You have to be sure. One hundred percent, son.”
I thought about it, just like he said to do, but I didn’t have to think long. I already knew.
“I know it was an accident,” I said. “She wouldn’t lie to me. And I could tell she was telling the truth. Bray may be brazen and a little over the top sometimes, but she’d never intentionally do something like that.”
My dad nodded once, accepting my explanation, trusting in me and what I believed. “Y’know, Elias, as your father, first and foremost I have to tell you that I don’t want to see you ruin your life to protect someone else’s.” He set his beer down again and got up from the chair. His camouflaged T-shirt hung sloppily over the top of his jeans. “But I’d be a fool and a hypocrite to expect you not to follow your heart.” He turned and looked down at me. “What do you need?”
I stood up with him, leaving my beer on the coffee table, and I hugged him long and hard. I wondered if it would be the last time I ever saw him, at least without a thick wall of security glass separating us.
I left my father that day with some extra cash to get us by for a little while at least, but more important, with his advice, which I always took to heart. He told me that I should try everything in my power to talk Bray into turning herself in before it was too late.
“Are you sure that’s what’s stopping you?” he had said. “Because you think it’s too late?”
“Yes,” I had lied. “We’re already in this too deeply to turn back now.”
But my father was a smart man. He could see right through me and I knew that he could. Bray and I still could’ve turned back and done the “right” thing, but I couldn’t lose her again, and Bray didn’t want to lose me. We had already established that before we left the ridge that night. And that was the way it was going to stay.
I went back to our motel room with burgers and fries.
We ate in silence. Silence seemed to be the norm for a while. And we watched television, both afraid we’d turn the news on at ten o’clock and see our faces staring back at us from the screen next to a reporter. But for the first several days, from Savannah to Fernandina Beach to Daytona Beach, we were still in the clear. Bray’s cell phone hardly ever rang. Just once when her sister, Rian, called to see how she was doing. Bray let it go to voice mail.
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J. Redmerski
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Эротические романы
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: From New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of THE EDGE OF NEVER, J.A. Redmerski you a heart-wrenching New Adult novel of love, secrets and the choices we make…Love makes you do crazy things…Brayelle Bates has always been a force of nature and the only person who has ever truly understood her is her childhood sweetheart, Elias Kline. But Elias never knew the truth about her agonizing past – until one night changes everything.Desperate to escape her fate, Bray convinces Elias to flee with her, and as the two try to make the most of their circumstances, Elias soon realises that there’s a darkness driving Bray he can’t ignore. Now, in order to save her, he’ll have to convince Bray to accept the consequences of her past – even if it means losing her.