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The Power of Social Intelligence: 10 ways to tap into your social genius
Tony Buzan


10 ways to tap into your social geniusBy developing your Social Intelligence you can understand and appreciate everyone you meet; what motivates them, what their personal needs are, and how you can make them comfortable and pleased to be with you.With four colour maps and lively text this book shows you how to:Improve every aspect of your social skills, both in relationships and at workBecome more confidentHave a more active and successful social lifeBecome a better communicator and a a fearless public speakerImprove every aspect of your social skills, in relationships and at work










The Power of Social Intelligence










Tony Buzan










Dedication


This book is dedicated to the celebration of the extraordinary Social Intelligence of my friend and Personal Assistant, Lesley Bias, and to the 20th anniversary of our working together. During that time Lesley has dealt personally with hundreds of thousands of people from all walks of life and from approximately 100 different countries around the world. She is universally admired and held in great affection.

Lesley, this one's for you!











Contents


Title Page

Dedication

List of Mind Maps




Chapter 1: What is Social Intelligence – And Why Does it Matter?

Chapter 2: Reading People – Body Language and How to Master It

Chapter 3: The Art of Listening

Chapter 4: Making Connections

Chapter 5: How to Shine in Groups

Chapter 6: ‘Attitood’ About Attitude

Chapter 7: Negotiations – How to Win Friends and Influence People

Chapter 8: Social Graces – Or What to Do When …

Chapter 9: Signposts for Social Success

Chapter 10: The ‘Power of Ten’

Social Intelligence Survey Questionnaire – Answers (#litres_trial_promo)

Picture Section

Acknowledgements

Other Books by Tony Buzan

Copyright

About the Publisher




List of Mind Maps





Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 2 (#litres_trial_promo) – Who Am I? – how you project yourself – knowledge, communication, body language.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 3 (#litres_trial_promo) – Listening Skills – balancing listening and speaking – the 2:1 ratio, developing listening skills.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo) – Networking – meeting and influencing people – presentation, first and last impressions.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo) – How to Shine in Groups – standing out from the crowd, using your brain to impress – memory, names, conversation.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo) – Confidence Building – relating to others through self-confidence, inspiring confidence – attitudes and behaviour.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) – Negotiation – resolving conflicts and disagreements amicably – compromise, patience, understanding.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) – Social Graces – showing care and consideration – thanks, celebrations, gifts, condolences.



Summary Mind Map (#litres_trial_promo)


of Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo) – Planning a Party – applying what you have learned.





What Is Social Intelligence –


And Why Does It Matter?









Chapter One






Does the thought of walking into a party full of total strangers fill you with dread?

Does the idea of making small talk with your possible future in-laws leave you a gibbering wreck?

Have you ever been introduced to a group of people, only to forget their names instantly and flounder for something to say?

Do you want to make a good impression at a job interview, but are so nervous you can hardly speak?

Do you wish that you could happily talk to people and make friends easily?


If any of the above scenarios has struck a chord with you, or if your Social Intelligence could do with a bit of a boost, The Power of Social Intelligence is designed to help you.

‘Social Intelligence’ is simply the degree to which we ‘get along with’ and relate to other people around us. Human beings are, after all, social animals, and this ability is absolutely vital if we are to get on in life and enjoy ourselves.

Social Intelligence – A Definition

Almost all of us, if we are being honest, would admit that our ‘social skills’ could do with a quick polish, and there is a vast range of skills which comprise Social Intelligence.

To begin with, you need to be able to relate to people on a one-to-one basis, in small groups, to a whole roomful of people, and to even larger gatherings. You are involved in Brain-to-Brain communication. The human brain is the most complex, sophisticated and powerful organ in the known universe. To deal with one (your own!) is a hard-enough task. To deal simultaneously with large numbers of other brains successfully is surely a sign of genius!

Socially Intelligent people have to use all of the power of their own brains and bodies to communicate with and to ‘read’ others. They have to acquire attitudes that encourage others to grow, create, communicate and befriend, and they have to know both how to make and to keep friends!

This massively important intelligence also involves being able to negotiate, as a skilled canoeist does, the rapids of conflict and negotiation situations, mistakes and endings.

All of these skills require that the Socially Intelligent person is a superb conversationalist and listener, able to relate successfully with the wider world. Socially Intelligent people are comfortable with others from different backgrounds, ages, cultures and social strata, and (more importantly) are able to make those people feel relaxed and comfortable around them.

Managers need Social Intelligence to do their jobs effectively. So do sales assistants, receptionists, teachers, doctors, social workers, hotel staff … in fact, anyone who deals with any other people at all in the course of their day! Social IQ is one of the most important and beneficial intelligences that we can cultivate – and the good news is, it can be cultivated!

Social Intelligence – Strengths and Weaknesses

Take a few minutes and jot down on a large sheet of paper the areas of your life where you think that your social strengths and weaknesses lie. Make sure you consider both your home life and your work life – it is amazing how many successful business and professional people find talking to people in a social setting difficult!

Possible areas of your life to think about include:



Listening to people

Being aware of how other people are feeling

‘Selling’ yourself or your ideas

Having a positive attitude towards yourself

Having a positive attitude towards others

Dealing with awkward or embarrassing situations gracefully

Building good rapport with people

Standing out in a crowd – for all the right reasons!


A Cautionary Tale of Social Intelligence – Part One

When I was a teenager I thought that the way to become popular was to be ‘smart’ and fit. I went to parties and social events flaunting my high IQ, analysing the faults in others, getting into discussions in which I always tried to prove that my ‘opponents’ were wrong and I was right, and showing off my good (but rigid!) physique.

Having been told that a high IQ and a fit body were the paths to success, I was taken aback by the number of enemies I was unintentionally making, and the lack of friendship my ‘smart/tough/correct’ presence was generating.

My realization that simply winning debates was not the way to social success was helped along by my father. Once, when I had won the battle – the argument – and lost the war in a social situation, my father gave me a little poem that he said would help me improve my social awareness. The poem went as follows:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Grey,

Who died defending his right of way.

He was perfectly right as he sped along

But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong!

I began to look around at those who were obviously more socially successful than me. I noticed that they were doing many things that at that time were alien to me, and the opposite of what I had been taught was ‘acceptable behaviour’ in my school life.

The most popular (and most happy!) people were always smiling and laughing and telling jokes (I ‘couldn’t!); they were expressive and open, helpful and considerate of others, and tended to avoid arguments. To make matters even worse for my sensitive teenage soul, they were much more relaxed, much more confident, and much more successful in attracting romance!

Gradually the light began to dawn. My IQ and muscles were not the only strengths I had to develop if I wished to be socially successful: I had to pay attention to the vitally important skills of understanding other people – of interpersonal skills – of Social Intelligence.



The Power of Social Intelligence will help save you the trouble of some of those unnecessary experiences I had, and bring you more rapidly the rewards that this amazing Intelligence can bring.



To survive and prosper in the maelstrom of social interactions and life, it is vital to understand and master the intricacies of this incredible intelligence. And it is not only your social life, and that of others around you that will benefit – being successful socially has a fortunate, immediate and positive impact on your wealth, and on your physical well being, as the following study reveals.






Want a Cure for Your Colds? Live a Varied Social Life!

Psychologist Sheldon Cohen, of Carnegie Mellon University, has confirmed previous studies that suggest that colleagues, relatives, friends and lovers can act as a ‘team’ to help protect you from the common cold. Previous studies suggested that people with more active social lives were both healthier and lived longer. Cohen’s study has refined this finding, pointing out that it is not simply the absolute number of social contacts that is important; it is their diversity.

Cohen and his colleagues recruited 151 women and 125 men and asked them to keep a record of all the people with whom they had contact at least once every two weeks. As well as the number of people contacted, they were asked also to record the diversity of their social network, breaking down their contacts into 12 categories, including neighbours, colleagues, parents, partners, etc.

The women and men were then exposed to the common cold virus and a record of their rate of infection was also kept.

Of those people with fewer relationships and with restricted social networks, 62 per cent developed colds. However, only 35 per cent of people with relationships from six or more of the categories developed a cold. Cohen theorizes that one of the reasons for the greater immunity is that diverse social networks induced a ‘feel-good factor’ that boosts the ability of the immune system to attack invading viruses.






The Power of Social Intelligence – An Overview

The Power of Social Intelligence is divided into 10 chapters, each one building on the others to help you accelerate the growth of your Social Intelligence as you progress through the book. This chapter, Chapter 1, has given you a quick insight into the importance and potential power of your Social IQ. Here is an overview of the rest of the book.

Chapter 2: (#ud6a78477-defd-5e92-9148-2d4a7917f5a0) Reading People – Body Language and How to Master It

More than half of all communication is through body language. In this chapter I will explain how you project an image of yourself through your body language, and how to read other people through theirs. The human body is a remarkable instrument. It plays the ‘music of communication’ in very subtle ways. If you learn to play it well, your social rewards will be great.

Chapter 3: (#u150de1b8-87a5-5838-80ec-e1926929425b) The Art of Listening

The most Socially Intelligent people are not the ones who say the most – they are the ones who listen the most. In this chapter I will introduce you to the art and science of listening, showing you simple ways in which you can become a master of conversation by saying less!



Remember: you have one mouth and two ears. Think about it!

Chapter 4: (#litres_trial_promo) Making Connections

It is the natural goal of every human being to want to win friends, to influence people, to be popular, to converse easily, to negotiate with others successfully, and to deal with social relationships in a way that produces the results they desire. Read this chapter and find out how!

Chapter 5: (#litres_trial_promo) How to Shine in Groups

This chapter will show you how you can stand out from the crowd, and how you can use your brain to impress others at any social gathering!

Chapter 6: (#litres_trial_promo) ‘Attitood’ About Attitude

Your attitude profoundly affects not only your behaviour, but also the behaviour of others around you, and therefore the behaviour of others with whom they interact, and so on in the giant ripple effect that spreads around the entire world. Your own self-confidence is the key to relating with others. I will explain the effects of peer pressure, and reveal one of the most important things that you can give your children.

Chapter 7: (#litres_trial_promo) Negotiations – How to Win Friends and Influence People

How do you make sure that in any negotiations, both parties come away pleased with the outcome? How can you resolve disagreements and conflicts amicably? This chapter will show you everything you need to know!

Chapter 8: (#litres_trial_promo) Social Graces – Or What to Do When …

Little gestures that show that you care are immensely Socially Intelligent. This chapter will give you a guide to understanding how such gestures work, and how you can use them for your own benefit and happiness.

Chapter 9: (#litres_trial_promo) Signposts for Social Success

Developing your Social Intelligence will inevitably give you greater social status and influence. You can apply everything you have learned to guarantee your growing future success. This chapter introduces a great Social Intelligence Star, who is the epitome of the power and qualities of Social Intelligence.

Chapter 10: (#litres_trial_promo) The ‘Power of Ten’

In the final chapter I explain how Social Intelligence is but one among many intelligences we all have, and how each one of your Multiple Intelligence interacts and strengthens all the others.



To help you in your journey, The Power of Social Intelligence features a host of apposite quotes, self-check exercises, fascinating stories and case histories. The book also has some special features:



Mind Maps®. Mind Maps® are amazing thinking tools designed to help you see, outside your head, the ‘maps of thought’ that are inside your head! Mind Maps® use all the ‘equipment’ your whole brain uses every day to recognize, understand and remember things, including words, lines, colours and images. Mind Maps® simply make things easier for you wherever and whenever you use them. They are ‘Friends of your Brain’.

Social Workouts. All the following chapters contain a Social Intelligence Workout – games and fun exercises that will help you develop and strengthen this Master Intelligence. You can look on them as your Mental Gymnasium – a place where you go to increase the strength, flexibility and stamina of your Social Intelligence muscles!

Social Brain Boosters. These Brain Boosters take the form of Intentions or Affirmations. By repeating them to yourself on a regular basis, you will build up the maps of thought about these intentions in your head, and will increase the probability that what they say will become part of your new social behaviour and growing Social Intelligence. They have been specially designed to protect you from some of the pitfalls of incomplete and inaccurate Positive Thinking modes of thought.






Reading People –


Body Language and How To Master It









Chapter Two




‘Use what language you will, you can never say anything but what you are.’

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)



Your body is impeccably designed for the purpose of communicating with your fellow human beings. Your voice and your words obviously play a vital part in the art and science of social interaction. Be fully aware, however, that an even greater percentage of your communication with others is conveyed by – your body. In fact, studies have shown that fully 55 per cent of all meaning conveyed in any act of communication is given by your physical demeanour!

Your body will communicate, without words, whether you are happy or sad, well or unwell, fit or unfit, removed or engaged, confident or nervous, enthusiastic or bored, interested or indifferent, open or defensive, socially ill at ease or socially confident and in command.

And, of course, other people’s bodies will communicate the same things to you. If you are aware of this, you will be able to ‘read’ other people more accurately and empathetically, and so boost your Social Intelligence.

To give you an immediate experience of this, try the following game:






You are to imagine that you are an actor on stage, miming ultimate depression, despondency and despair.

Imagine that you have woken up in the morning to be told by the person you love the most that they find you unutterably grey, boring and dull and wish to have nothing more to do with you. Immediately after this you receive a message that your best friend is gravely ill. This is followed by a phone call from your bank manager informing you that you have just gone bankrupt and will have to sell immediately the house you have lived in and loved for many years.

As you sink into this imaginary total depression, observe what happens to your body. Check the following things:



Your diminishing height

Your posture

Your energy levels

Your senses and their lessening alertness

Your breathing and its reduced depth and strength

Your motivational levels

Your desire for social contact


Now imagine exactly the opposite scenario, one of extreme joy and happiness. Imagine that you have woken up, and the person whom you have secretly loved and desired for many years tells you that they find you the most amazing, attractive, entertaining and wonderful person they have ever met; your gravely ill friend has just had a miraculous recovery; and you have a call informing you that you have just won the Lottery Jackpot.

Now check your posture, energy and motivational levels, the alertness of your senses and your sociability, and feel the difference!






The game you have just played demonstrates how every cell of your body acts as a major communicator to other people. Being aware of this allows you to begin the journey to becoming a master reader of body language. The findings of the game are confirmed in formal studies, like the ones that follow:






Case Study – See and Tell

Psychologists Geoffrey Beattie and Heather Shovelton of the University of Manchester have found that gesture helps convey huge amounts of information. They discovered that when people see storytellers’ gestures as well as hearing their voices, they pick up about 10 per cent more accurate information about the story than when they are listening to the voice alone. Beattie and Shovelton say: ‘gestures are every bit as rich communicatively as speech; meaning is divided between the hand and the mouth’.



Case Study – Mirror Neurons

An American study has shown that gesture and speech are simply two outlets for identical thought-processes, and both are designed to help you convey those thought-processes to other individuals.

Joanna Iverson, from the University of Missouri, and her colleague Esther Thelen, from the University of Bloomington, Indiana, point to the direct link between movement and meaning that is found in a group of brain cells known as ‘mirror neurons’, confirmed by a study of monkeys.

The mirror neurons fire both when a monkey makes a particular movement, and also when it watches another monkey making the same movement. Intriguingly, these mirror neurons are found in the region of the monkey’s brain that exactly corresponds to the speech-production region of the human brain.






Who Am I?

‘If you want to know yourself, see how others behave; if you want to understand others, look in your own heart.’

(Friedrich von Schiller)



The secret of Social Intelligence – to building rapport with others, setting them at ease in your company, making people genuinely glad to be with you, and mixing easily with all types of people – is to ‘know yourself’.

If you are comfortable ‘being in your skin’, you will have inner confidence about yourself, and will know your values and standards. That confidence will radiate out from you, through your body language, and will rub off positively on the people around you.

You can use this Socially Intelligent knowledge to your advantage, even if you are in a situation where confidence is the last thing you are feeling! If you stand with poise and make eye contact, you will exude an aura of confidence. Even better – the more you ‘act’ confident, the more confident you will find yourself becoming!

However, you should be aware that sometimes the signals you are sending out are not the ones you think you are! An acquaintance discovered that while she aimed to project an ultra-feminine and ultra-sexy image, she had no idea that this image was actually interpreted as being overpowering and intimidating!

Who Are You?

You now know that your body language reveals your true thoughts and feelings, despite yourself. And so, if you become adept at reading other people’s body language – sensing whether they are uncomfortable, bored, enthusiastic, upset or worried – you will increase your Social Intelligence multiple-fold.

Studies, like the ones below, have demonstrated that those people able to read body language have many advantages over those who cannot.






Case Study – Read Me, Benefit You!

A Harvard psychologist, Robert Rosenthal, and his students devised a test of people’s ability to read non-verbal body signals and language. Rosenthal and his students tested over 7,000 people both in the United States and 18 other countries.

In the tests the subjects were shown a series of videotapes of a young woman expressing a wide range of feelings. The scenes depicted hatred and loathing, a jealous rage, peace and tranquillity, asking forgiveness, motherly love, showing gratitude, and passion.

In all the videos, the sound was muffled so that no speech could be heard. In addition, in each portrayal, one or more of the channels of non-verbal communication had been blanked out. For example, in one the body might be blocked out and only the facial expression shown, in another the facial expressions removed while all bodily gestures remained, and so on.

The results?

A direct correlation was found between being able to read body language and being more sensitive, more well-adjusted emotionally, more outgoing, and, most importantly, more popular.

You will be pleased to learn that this popularity was also directly correlated with success in romantic and sexual relationships!






The success generated by possessing Social Intelligence skills is also reflected in schools. The American Psychological Society reported the results of tests done with 1,011 children that showed that those children who were able to read body language were among the most emotionally stable, did better in academic subjects, and were the most popular.

Understanding body language is of vital importance in social communication. A good friend of mine observed that by playing just three minutes of golf with a new acquaintance, you will learn nearly everything you need to know about that individual, including their ability to accept and learn from success and failure, their generosity, their concern for others, their appreciation of nature, their humour (or lack of it!), how positive/negative they were, their general energy levels, their degree of focus and their honesty.

The Secret of Social Intelligence – Smile!

There is a very simple secret to Social Intelligence – smile at people!

A human smile radiates warmth, confidence, a positive attitude, happiness and, very significantly, a welcoming openness to others.



‘A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.’

(Chinese proverb)



A simple smile is the best way to win friends and influence people. The thing that first attracts most people to someone else is their smile. And when we see a smile, our brains trigger our own smiling muscles, so that we smile back!

Brian Bates, co-author of the BBC book and television series The Human Face, confirms the importance of smiling in society:

‘We would often rather share our confidences, hopes and money with smilers for deep reasons which are often beyond our conscious awareness. Spontaneous smilers have been shown to have a more successful life in personal and career terms.’

Smiles take much less effort than frowns, involve far less muscular tension, and are more instantaneous and spontaneous. The universe even rewards us for smiling! When we smile, the ‘smiling reflex’ boosts our production of endorphins, the body’s natural energizers and pain-killers.

It is now time for your first Social Workout – to be approached with a smile on your face!

Social Workout

Smile and the World Smiles With You

Recently a witty little poem on smiling appeared on the Internet. I have slightly adjusted it, and recommend that you read it, pass it on, and immediately begin practising what it suggests!

Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu,

When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin

And when he smiled I realized I’d passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile and then I realized its worth,

A single smile, one just like mine, could travel round the earth.

So if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected:

Let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

Smile First

Make sure that you greet people with a smile. People remember first impressions most strongly, so this will be what they remember of you. This is called the Primacy Effect, or the principle of ‘First Things First’, which we will explore in more detail in Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo). Smiling will get the social interaction off to a positive and uplifting start. You will be gently taking control of the meeting in a ‘win-win’ way.

Make Your Actions Congruent with Your Words

When you are describing things, allow your body to be the natural musical instrument and artist that it is. Make sounds that mimic what you are describing. With your hands sculpt the objects and scenes you are describing.

Check for Congruence/Incongruence in Others

Check for the congruence between what people’s words are saying and what their bodies are saying. You will often find that they are completely opposite. You can practise this Social Intelligence muscle when watching television, especially news and advertisements. Keep a note of some of the more blatant examples of incongruence – they make good conversation pieces themselves!

One extremely amusing instance of incongruent actions occurred when I was at a cocktail party.

I noticed that two businessmen who were supposed to be negotiating with each other were doing an extraordinary dance. Every time one of them moved towards the other, the second almost immediately moved away. It was as if they were two similar poles of a magnet, where the repelling force prevented them from ever making contact. No matter how hard the first tried to get closer, which he was obviously trying to do, the second always moved away. On and on they went, until they had snaked and zig-zagged their way around the entire room!

They were obviously making each other extremely uncomfortable, and not understanding why.

Later on in the evening, I asked them, separately, where they came from. As you might expect, the first one stood very close to me, the second at some considerable distance!

You will not be surprised to learn that the first one came from New York, where closeness to people is part of everyday life, and the second from a vast ranch in Texas, where close contact was very rare.

Being aware of people’s different ‘comfort zone’ is a very important part of Social Intelligence. If you can make people feel comfortable by not invading their personal space, they will immediately be more willing to talk to and spend time with you.

Meeting and Greeting With Feeling

Be particularly alert to body language when you are meeting and greeting people. Remember the two scenarios you imagined before (see here (#litres_trial_promo)) and the extreme positions your body took. Most people will be somewhere between the two.

Once again become the body-language-detective, and quickly assess the many non-verbal messages that are being given during those first vital moments.

If shaking hands, play close attention to the energy of the hand you are shaking – it can speak volumes. In the same way, make sure that your own handshake is firm (not too firm!) and welcoming. Make sure you make eye contact with the other person. Brief eye contact acknowledges the other person as being of interest to you – which will make them more interested in you!

Use Appropriate Gestures of Affection

Some cultures use hugs and embraces much more than others. In Russia, for example, hugs are a normal part of greeting people, whereas in Britain, people tend to be more reserved.

Psychiatrist Dr Harold Falk has listed some of the benefits of hugging: ‘Hugging can lift depression, enabling the body’s immunization system to become tuned up. Hugging breathes fresh life into tired bodies and makes you feel younger and more vibrant.’

In support of this, Helen Colton, author of The Joy of Touching, points out that the haemoglobin in your blood increases significantly when you are touched and hugged. As it is the haemoglobin that carries the vital supplies of oxygen to your heart, brain and body, hugging can be seen both as a life-giver and a life-saver, as well as a wonderful expression of Social Intelligence and confidence.

Mirror Talk

Before any social meeting, check yourself – ideally in a full-length mirror. Rather than just casually checking yourself and your appearance, imagine that you are the Costume Director and Producer on a film set. Your function is to make sure that the clothes your star actor (you!) is wearing are perfectly appropriate for the role, and to make sure that your star looks so attractive that other people will actively want to make contact. When you are dressed well and appropriately for the occasion, you and your body feel at ease and confident.

‘All the world’s a stage …’

Make a habit of ‘people watching’. It is a constant, entertaining, informative (and free!) theatre. Make yourself an increasing expert on the intricate body-language conversations that ‘speak to you’ on the streets, in restaurants, at social events, on beaches, and in all places where human beings congregate. When you see examples of particularly superb body-to-brain communication, mimic them and incorporate them in your own body language.

Social Brain Boosters



I am developing my body to be a superb communication device.

My words and actions are increasingly congruent.

I am spreading smiles wherever I go.


In the next chapter (#u150de1b8-87a5-5838-80ec-e1926929425b) we will consider another vital non-verbal part of communicating with other people – listening to them!





The Art of Listening










Chapter Three




‘We are interested in others when they are interested in us.’

(Publilius Syrus)



The Roman poet Publilius obviously knew about Social Intelligence! If someone shows an interest in us and clearly wants to know us better, then we will be more interested and favourably disposed towards them.

The best, easiest and most effective way of showing interest in another person is to listen to what they are saying – to really listen, focusing on what they are saying, as opposed to standing there planning our own reposts and anecdotes in turn!

Listening in a Socially Intelligent way shows that you find someone to be worth your attention, and to be of value as a person – and everyone responds positively to that.

A Cautionary Tale of Social Intelligence – Part Two

When I was still in the ‘Mighty Muscle/Mighty Vocabulary’ stage of developing my Social Intelligence, I would tend to ‘dominate the airwaves’. This was because I thought that the more brilliant points I made, the more brilliant the conversation was.

This was a very one-sided and limited view.

Nature stepped in and taught me a very valuable lesson.

Just before an important social occasion, I contracted an irritating throat infection. To my chagrin, I could hardly utter a word.

At the party I met someone who was passionate about many things. We began an animated conversation, but because of my weakened voice, I was soon reduced to nodding, massaging the conversation with well-placed ‘uhuhms’ and very occasionally asking a question, which gave my companion the opportunity to launch into another five-minute conversational journey.

When we eventually parted I assumed that he would consider me an utter bore, as I had contributed probably less than 5 per cent to the conversation, and he comfortably more than 95 per cent.

To my amazement I heard later that he considered me a fascinating conversationalist!

How could this be so?

The light slowly began to dawn: we had had a wonderful conversation. He had entertained me with delightful stories and provocative concepts; my body, rather than my voice, had ‘spoken back to him’, indicating that I was interested, was involved and, by my supportive presence, I had allowed him to explore his own thoughts in good company, and therefore not only to have a conversation with me but also with himself.

I realized that listening gave me this wonderful opportunity to be completely relaxed in a conversation, to be entertained with wonderful tales and thoughts, as well as allowing me to give someone else the opportunity to be freely expressive.

I realized that up to that time, I had been guilty of what Leonardo da Vinci observed: that most people ‘listen without hearing’.

This chapter is devoted to helping you listen with hearing!

Listening – A Neglected Art

It is estimated that we spend between 50 and 80 per cent of our waking life communicating. On average half of that communication time is spent in listening. In schools and colleges the percentage is even higher, and in the business world listening ranks as one of the top three most important necessary managerial skills. Amazingly, despite all this, listening is the ‘poor relation’ of communication skills when it comes to being taught, despite the fact that it is learned first and used most, as the table below shows.








The Power of Social Intelligence is going to help you redress that balance.

Self-check 1

How would you rate yourself as a listener? On a scale from 0–100, with 0 representing the worst listener imaginable, and 100 meaning that you listen better than anybody else, how well do you think you listen to people?

Self-check 2

On a scale of 0–100, how do you think the following people would rate you as a listener?



1. Your family (you may give them individual ratings or a group average)

2. Your best friend

3. Your other friends

4. Your boss

5. Your work colleagues

6. Any people you supervise at work



Most people (in fact a staggering 85 per cent) rate their listening ability as average or less. On a 0–100 scale, the average rating is 55. Only a tiny 5 per cent score themselves in the 80–90 range, or consider themselves excellent listeners. By the time you have finished reading this chapter, you should be in that top category!

When it comes to other people assessing your listening skills, if you gave your best friend the highest score out of the six groups, you will be in the majority! In fact most people believe that their best friend would give them a higher rating as a listener than they would give to themselves.

People rate their boss as giving them the second-highest listener rating, and this rating also tends to be higher than the rating they give themselves. This is because of the power of authority. People tend to pay more attention to those who have their lives, or part of them, in their hands. Interestingly, and you can muse upon this, colleagues and subordinates tend to be rated exactly the same as the individual rates herself or himself – 55 out of 100.

Scores for family members range widely, depending on the particular structure of the family and the interpersonal relationships. Rather depressingly, the ratings which people thought their spouse or partner would give their listening skills tend to decline in inverse proportion to the number of years they have been together. There is a moral in there …

Bad Listening Habits

There are 10 listening habits that are most damaging to your skill as a listener and most weakening of your Social Intelligence.



1 Pretending to pay attention when you are really not

2 Trying to do other things while listening

3 Deciding the subject is uninteresting

4 Getting distracted by the speaker’s way of speech, or other mannerisms

5 Getting over-involved and thus losing the main thread of the person’s argument or thoughts

6 Letting emotion-filled words arouse personal anger and antagonism

7 Concentrating on any distractions instead of what is being said

8 Taking linear, one-colour notes

9 Listening primarily for facts

10 Avoiding anything that is complex or difficult


Of which bad listening habits are you guilty?! Make a note of where your weaknesses lie, and where you can do most to improve your listening skills.

Active Listening

Listening is not a passive activity; it’s not the ‘unexciting’ or ‘unflamboyant’ part of a conversation. As I myself found out, listening well is the vital ingredient in a successful, productive and interesting conversation.



‘Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.’

(Robert Benchley)



Nor is it just a person’s words that we should listen to. If we are aware of the other person’s body language as well (see Chapter 2 (#ud6a78477-defd-5e92-9148-2d4a7917f5a0)) we can intuit so much more meaning from any conversation – we can listen to what they feel as well as what they say.

There is a humorous phase that is particularly apt here: ‘I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!’




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