Gracie
Gracie
Marie Maxwell
A gripping saga, richly evocative of the period, featuring the gutsy and determined Gracie, determined to start again…Can you ever escape your past?Gracie McCabe is building a new life for herself in the Essex seaside town of Southend working alongside best friend Ruby; she’s put her past to rest and is planning her future.All that is missing is a family of her own, Gracie desperately wants a baby so when boyfriend Sean proposes she accepts without hesitation.But a chance meeting before the wedding gives her doubts and when old secrets come back to haunt her, it seems that Sean is not the rock of strength she expected him to be.Will Gracie find her happy ever after or will she be betrayed and abandoned once again?The hard-hitting and heartbreaking new novel from the author who bought you Ruby. Perfect for fans of Katie Flynn and Dilly Court.
GRACIE
Marie Maxwell
To You, the Readers
I have so many supportive and loyal readers both of Marie Maxwell and Bernadine Kennedy and I continue to appreciate every one; I still get a thrill when someone contacts me about a book!
I remember the first ‘fan letter’ I received after my first book was published in 2000; it was hand written on a ‘thank you’ card and forwarded to me from my publisher.
It was so exciting to realize that not only had someone actually read the book, they had also taken the time to write to me about it; reader feedback is so important and I do take note of all the comments.
Nowadays feedback comes through my own website, Amazon and other assorted reader writer websites, but I’m still amazed that readers take the trouble to contact me.
So thank you for supporting me over the years, I hope you enjoy Gracie as much as Ruby. Next will be the story of Maggie who may just turn out to be a bit of a Swinging Sixties rebel!
Bernadine Kennedy
www.bernadinekennedy.com
Table of Contents
Title Page (#ud4c95ec3-3af7-59a9-9b26-146581f5a958)
Dedication (#u1e38ad3e-9773-5593-b763-b749f0e74ab4)
Prologue (#u869f4076-570f-5adb-9382-11e4d2228594)
Chapter One (#ud618fb3e-7e34-52e3-b0c2-913f8aba582f)
Chapter Two (#u92b332ba-755b-5b87-b06a-29210528b6db)
Chapter Three (#u34544379-8342-50cf-bd0a-fd3a744ed8c8)
Chapter Four (#u6737fd21-c626-5fc3-aaed-176634206d9b)
Chapter Five (#ud72039c7-86f8-514f-8430-06a5393892ed)
Chapter Six (#ubf15de79-7811-51e9-b0ea-4e09e6d407c8)
Chapter Seven (#uc6cb57dc-2adc-5602-9fd0-44a50cf6ea71)
Chapter Eight (#ua2920d4e-9d13-5f53-bdb3-704d99c13183)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Read on for an extract from Marie Maxwell’s first novel, Ruby. (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
By the Same Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
PROLOGUE (#ulink_b9c9fe79-03c9-593d-80f5-45d272386601)
‘Hello little one …’ the young woman said quietly as she stared at the baby she was meeting for the first time. ‘I’m your mummy …’
Reaching out her hand, she touched her fingers on the clear wall of the incubator, willing the tiny person inside to know she was there with her and fighting for her. As she spoke the words, she could feel her heart beating so hard inside her chest she thought it might explode with the toxic mixture of love and fear that was racing through her whole body.
‘Touch and go’ was what they had said when they’d grouped around her bed to talk about the health of the child. ‘Touch and go’ – because they simply couldn’t say if the child was going to live or die.
She ran her hands back and forth across the machine that was imprisoning the premature baby in order to save her life and tried not to cry again. It had been nearly forty-eight hours since she had given birth and apart from the fact that her baby was alive she knew nothing, except that it was ‘touch and go.’ Forty-eight long hours, enduring mental anguish and physical pain, before she’d been allowed to make the short journey from the maternity ward to the premature baby unit to see her daughter for the first time.
‘Can I touch her?’ She asked the nurse who was standing behind her with her hands on the wheelchair that was a condition of her visit.
‘I’m sorry my dear but you can’t, not yet.’
‘What do you think? She looks so small …’
‘She is small, but I’ve seen far smaller, that’s for sure. We just have to wait. She’s still with us at the moment and where there’s life, there’s hope.’
The woman continued to stare at the incubator, taking in every detail of her daughter. She was perfect from head to toe and she was certain she was alert and aware, unlike how she had imagined she would be when they had given her the news of her condition.
The tiny baby moved her head and her eyelids flickered.
‘She’s looking at me, I can see her eyes …’ her mother said, her hope rising.
‘I’m sure she is, she senses you’re here,’ the nurse said as she moved around the wheelchair and then turned it slightly. Her expression was serious as she looked down at her patient.
‘Now, I have to talk to you. I don’t want you to get upset again but we think it would be a good idea for her to be baptised. Just in case. Your priest came to visit while you were still groggy from the operation so you may not remember the conversation …’
‘Baptised?’
‘Yes, as I said, just in case. He’ll baptise her as soon as you say the word; I can ring him for you. Have you chosen a name yet?’
‘Yes, but …’
As she tried to interpret the meaning behind the words, the nurse jumped forward and looked closely at the baby in the incubator. The little girl’s chest was heaving up and down as she struggled for breath.
‘I don’t like the look of this, something’s wrong. I’m going to get the doctor …’
With those words, the young nurse was away out of the door.
All that the woman could do was stare at her tiny child in the incubator and pray.
Please don’t let my baby die.
Please don’t take another one away from me …
ONE (#ulink_c6837ce0-a38a-5b35-bada-4b941662e4d2)
New Years’ Eve 1953/1954
The young couple in the middle of the crowded dancefloor clapped and shouted excitedly along with everyone else, as the countdown to New Year was dramatically broadcast across the room by the band leader.
‘… Five, four, three, two, one …’ he bellowed into the microphone and then, as the chimes rang out across the ballroom a loud roar went up, and streamers were thrown out over the heads of the revellers, who all quickly formed into circles, linked hands and started singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’.
At the height of the excitement, the young man leaned over and spoke to the woman beside him.
‘I can’t hear you …’ she mouthed back before cupping her ear at him. ‘It’s so noisy.’
‘I said, will you marry me?’ he shouted at the top of his voice.
Gracie McCabe stopped still and stared at her boyfriend. ‘Pardon?’
Across the ballroom all the hands dropped as the music stopped and the singing slowly faded away. Some couples fell into each other’s arms and kissed, while others stood awkwardly, not sure what to do at that very special moment.
‘Last chance, McCabe. Will you marry me?’ Sean Donnelly repeated as loud as he could, this time with his arms spread wide and a big smile on his face.
‘Oh flipping hell, Sean, I don’t know what to say!’ Gracie McCabe laughed and put her hand up to her mouth.
‘Last chance …’
‘I suppose I might just marry you Sean Donnelly, but you have to do it properly; propose I mean, so as I know you really mean it, that it’s not just the beer talking. You’ve had more than a few tonight!’ she pulled a face and giggled. ‘Mind you I’m not one to talk, I’ve gone a bit overboard on the port and lemon meself.’
Laughing, he grabbed her hand and pulled her through the mass of people, over to the side of the dancefloor where it was less crowded. Turning to face her, Sean went down on one knee and took a red leather ring box out of his jacket pocket. He flipped the lid and held it out to her.
‘Gracie McCabe … for the very last time, will you marry me?’
Caught up in the excitement of the moment, Gracie jumped up and down on the spot. ‘Yes, yes, of course I will, yes …’
He took a delicate diamond ring from the box and slipped it onto her finger.
‘Do you like it?’ he asked.
Gracie held her left hand up in the air and waved it around. ‘Oh Sean, it’s beautiful and it fits just perfect …’
Beaming, she spun round on the spot, making the full skirt of her black and white polka dot frock flare out and show a lot more of her petticoats and legs than she anticipated. Gracie stopped and pulled a face.
‘Oh God, I’m making a fool of myself again … but I love it, Sean, I love it’.
She looked down at the ring and studied it for a moment. It was a classic engagement ring, pretty and dainty with a small diamond mounted high on the shoulders, which were diamond chips set in gold.
‘And I love you,’ he said, as a round of applause broke out around them. ‘Let’s tie the knot as quick as we can, I don’t want us to be having to wait a second longer than we have to. I want us to be married; I want us to be together forever.’
As Sean stood up, she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him.
‘I’m so happy, thanks for asking me, especially tonight. We can start the New Year as a proper engaged couple,’ Gracie said emotionally; she blinked hard as the tears prickled at the back of her eyes.
The band started playing again but the pace of the music had slowed right down, and the atmosphere in the ballroom changed from celebratory to romantic as the Last Waltz was played. Sean took Gracie’s hand and pulled her towards the dancefloor. ‘Come on, we have to dance to this tune and remember it forever. It will be our song, we can play it at our wedding and on our anniversaries …’
The sprung dancefloor moved as a swarm of couples took to the floor for the last dance in the glittering ballroom that was filled to capacity with couples of all ages dressed in their finery for the occasion.
As the lights dimmed and the music of Glenn Miller echoed around the walls Gracie smiled and followed her new fiancé onto the floor. She’d often fantasised about being married and having a home and family of her own. It was what she wanted most, and in one instant it had all become a reality; Gracie McCabe was going to be married. She was to marry Sean Donnelly, the hotel chef she had known and worked with for so long.
She hadn’t initially been that attracted to him, even though she liked him as a friend and occasionally went out with him, but he’d been persistent over the years and slowly but surely he’d grown on her. Gradually, she had become comfortable with him. It had only been in the previous few months that Sean had become more intense and Gracie had started to take him seriously. She could imagine him as a good husband and father, providing well for his family, and that was what she wanted, all she had ever wanted.
Everything that had gone before was suddenly irrelevant. The past that could easily have destroyed her had in fact made her stronger and she was ready to move forward in her life with Sean Donnelly.
Sean had to be at work early the next day, so as soon as the music stopped and the lights went up in the ballroom again they grabbed their coats from the cloakroom and ran out ahead of most of the partygoers. They turned onto the seafront and headed to Thorpe Bay, quickly walking arm-in-arm along to the hotel where Gracie lived and worked. The seafront was quiet and dark bar the moonlight and even though they couldn’t really see it, there was the sound of the high tide lapping up against the tide-line. They talked as they walked and kissed on the doorstep but then Sean turned round and walked back the way they’d just come. He returned to the Palace Hotel at the top of the hill, opposite Southend Pier, where he worked as a chef and also lived-in.
Gracie stood at the gate of the Thamesview Hotel and waved until Sean was out of sight before walking round to the back and quietly letting herself in. Taking the stairs two at a time, she raced up the three flights to the self-contained flat at the top which she shared with her friend Ruby Blakeley, who also owned the hotel. But instead of creeping quietly into her own room as she would usually have done, she flung Ruby’s bedroom door wide open and switched the light on.
‘Ruby, Ruby, wake up and look at this. Look, look, look! Sean proposed to me tonight, properly proposed. Look at my engagement ring, Ruby. I’m going to be married at bloody long last! I’m not going to stay sitting on that sodding shelf forever …’
Bewildered for a moment, Ruby Blakeley opened her eyes and looked at the alarm clock, before blinking hard and trying to focus on her friend.
‘Oh that’s lovely, Gracie, I’m pleased for you …’ she groaned, her voice thick with sleep.
‘Pleased for me? Come on Ruby Rubes, you can come up with something better than that! I’m getting married, I’m going to be Mrs Donnelly …’ Gracie sat on the edge of the bed and bounced up and down like a child on Christmas day.
‘I will, I promise, but do you mind if I run round the room with you in the morning? I’ve got to be up and working downstairs in a couple of hours and it’s just me, myself and I because you have the morning off, and there are guests who want breakfast really early.’
‘Oh sod the guests! Just take one little peek at the ring and then I’ll leave you alone, I promise.’ She shook Ruby’s shoulder and laughed.
Bleary-eyed, Ruby peered at the hand in front of her face. ‘That’s very pretty and well chosen, lovely …’
She smiled again at her friend and blew a kiss before tugging the eiderdown right up over her head.
‘Okay, I’ll leave you to your beauty sleep, you miserable cow, but in the morning we’ll dance round the room and celebrate – whether you like it or not!’ Gracie laughed as she switched the light off again and skipped out of the room.
Still smiling, she went through into the living room, kicked her high heels off and curled up on the sofa. She stared down at the small but perfect twinkling diamond ring on her finger and sighed. Gracie had often imagined the moment she would be proposed to, but she hadn’t expected that Sean Donnelly, the young man she’d known for so long, would go down on one knee in the middle of the ballroom at midnight on New Year’s Eve. She had thought they were just out together to celebrate the New Year.
She thought about that moment again, the special moment when she had realised that Sean was asking her to be his wife and smiled to herself. The proposal had certainly been romantic and he had timed it to perfection. How could she possibly not want to marry a man like that? Gracie reached a hand out, pulled a cushion over from the chair opposite, put it under her head and started mentally planning her new life. By the time she dozed off she had already chosen her wedding dress, picked a honeymoon destination, fantasised about her first proper home and named her first baby, boy or girl. Her life was finally going in the direction she had always wanted it to and she was more than content with it. She was content with the thought of being married to Sean Donnelly and happy at the thought of having his children. He had said he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and that was all she had ever wanted from a man.
Several hours later she awoke to find Ruby standing at the end of the sofa, holding a tray that was formally laid out for morning tea with a lace tray cloth, the best china and a selection of fancy biscuits.
‘Just look at you,’ Ruby laughed, ‘sleeping on the sofa, with your new dress screwed up like a dishrag. Good job Aunt Leonora can’t see you looking like that; she’d have a pink fit.’
She put the tray down on the table in front of the sofa and sat down alongside her friend. ‘And this, Miss McCabe, is to celebrate your engagement in the way of Leonora Blakeley; it’s in her honour. This morning we’re going to be ladylike and take formal morning tea.’
Gracie looked at the tray and laughed. ‘Oh that is so nice of you! Leonora would be so proud of you. I think she might even have overlooked my dishrag dress because she’d be so pleased I’m going to be respectable at last; mind you, she mightn’t have been impressed with lipstick on the cushions. Sorry, Rubes! I was just so excited I couldn’t sleep properly. I kept dozing off then waking up and wondering if I’d dreamt it.’
‘You are overexcited! Why don’t you go to bed now?’ Ruby smiled. ‘It’s only nine o’clock; I’ve just come up for a quick break to see how you are, and to look at your ring in daylight. There’s not so much to do now with only two guests left. The others have checked out, Henry’s just driven them to the station.’
‘I feel guilty leaving you down there on your own …’
‘Well don’t, it was your morning off anyway. I can manage perfectly well for today. I’ve got Henry to help, bless his little cotton socks. He may be getting on a bit but he mucks in. But now, the ring, please!’
‘Okay, here it is …’ Gracie held her hand up and waved it around. ‘Isn’t it lovely? And it fits perfectly.’
‘It is lovely, Gracie, it must have taken him ages to save up for it. Did you know he was planning the grand proposal?’
‘God no, it was such a shock! I mean I knew he liked going out with me but a marriage proposal and a ring? I’m still stunned, especially as he must have been planning it to have the ring ready.’
Ruby looked at Gracie thoughtfully as she chose her words. ‘I don’t want to be like Aunt Leonora, really I don’t, but are you sure this is what you really want, to spend the rest of your life with Sean Donnelly? I know you like him – but marriage? That’s forever, missy.’
‘Oh look, I know now that Prince Charming isn’t going to appear on the doorstep and carry me off to his castle; there just isn’t one of them out there for me. Sean loves me, he’s good to me. I know you think he’s a bit boring but he’s no wide boy either, is he?’ Gracie shrugged her shoulders and smiled. ‘We both know he’s not exactly the life and soul of the party and he’s definitely no screen idol but he works hard and he’ll look after me, I’m sure.’
‘Are you sure you’re not getting carried away on the proposal? Is he the right one?’ Ruby asked with an edge to her tone. ‘The right one you’ve been dreaming about?’
‘Well, he’s the nearest to the right one that I’m going to get!’ Gracie laughed. ‘Anyway, I like him a lot – and look where that stupid hearts and flowers fantasy got me last time. Look where it got me and you … I know you’ve sort of worked your life out and you and Johnnie are going to be together forever. You’ve got your right one, but me?’ Gracie shook her head. ‘No, Sean is my chance. I’m nearly twenty-eight and I don’t want to end up like Leonora, forever looking out to sea and wishing for something that just ain’t ever going to happen. Life isn’t like it is in the cinema, is it?’
Gracie smiled to take the edge off her words; she understood exactly what Ruby was trying to say. Over the years she’d known and been going out with Sean, Gracie had always joked that she was waiting for the right one to come along and whisk her off on a white charger. It had become a standing joke when they watched the people walking along the promenade.
‘Is he the right one?’ Ruby would ask. ‘Nope, not the right one …’ Gracie would smile. ‘But I’ll know him when I see him!’
Ruby reached out and touched her hand. ‘I’m sorry – you’re old enough to know what you’re doing. So if you’re sure then we have to arrange an engagement party … and then the wedding! Oh, this is going to be such fun! What sort of wedding do you want?’
‘Can’t afford an engagement party and a small and cheap wedding with none of my bleedin’ family there to wreck it would be just about right for me!’ Gracie said, only half-joking.
‘You can have the wedding reception here. And an engagement party as well. If you want to, that is, and if Sean wants to, of course,’ Ruby said warmly.
‘Oh, a wedding reception at Thamesview would be fantastic, Rubes. I’d love to have it here, my favourite place in the world!’
The two young women blinked back tears as they hugged each other tight, aware that a big change was ahead for both of them.
Ruby stood up. ‘Right, tea break over … Back to work I go; any plans for later?’
‘Sean’s coming round after his shift finishes at tea time, if that’s okay with you. We’ve got a lot to talk about. I only need an hour or so while he’s here.’
‘Of course it’s okay; this is your home as much as mine, silly. I’ll stay out of the way and give you some time together. Oh, and I hereby give you the whole day off in honour of your new status of engaged woman. Can’t have you slaving over a hot desk this afternoon, can we?’
As Ruby turned to leave the room Gracie called her back. ‘Rubes? I nearly forgot, will you be my number one bridesmaid?’
‘Cheeky moo, I thought you’d never ask!’
‘You fibber, you knew I’d ask you! I wouldn’t want anyone else. Apart from Maggie, of course. I have to have Maggie.’
‘She’ll love that.’
As Ruby closed the door, Gracie grinned again and swung her legs back onto the sofa. She leaned back, closed her eyes and thought back over her enduring friendship with Ruby.
When Gracie McCabe and Ruby Blakeley had first met on the maternity ward in Rochford Hospital in 1946, they were just two teenage girls who had naively got themselves into trouble and then had to give up their illegitimate babies. The two distressed girls had quickly bonded on the ward but had then gone their separate ways to restart their lives; they’d promised to keep in touch, but at the same time they had both really wanted to pretend the previous few months of their lives had never happened. Although Gracie at nineteen was three years older than Ruby, she hadn’t known that at the time because as far as everyone in the hospital knew, Ruby was a young war widow having a legitimate baby.
In their separate miseries, neither of them could have foreseen that their chance meeting was actually going to be the start of a close and enduring friendship; one in which their lives would be so entwined they would become closer than sisters.
It had been a few weeks after leaving the hospital when Gracie had, on the spur of the moment gone to see Ruby and, away from the constraints of the maternity ward they had quickly developed their friendship; from then on, despite the circumstances of their initial meeting, they had both constantly thought themselves lucky to have met each other.
Ruby had been fortunate in that her baby girl Maggie was adopted by George and Babs Wheaton, the couple with whom she had been billeted when she was evacuated from London during the war, and she saw her often. Gracie had not been so lucky. She’d been sent to a mother and baby home, where she was constantly reminded of her sins and from where her baby, an unnamed little boy, was adopted by total strangers and lost to her forever. She had put on a brave face after the event; the wound was hidden from sight but the pain was still there. It was a constant ache in her heart that never really went away.
TWO (#ulink_0a7a81e3-2b35-5eb9-be87-587a77df3d50)
‘Happy?’ Sean asked that afternoon when they were both sitting on the sofa in front of the gas fire, arms entwined, unable to stop smiling. Gracie had spent the morning catching up on her sleep and getting ready for her new fiancé to arrive after his shift at work was over.
‘Oh yes,’ she said. ‘And you? Mind, you’d better be. You can’t change your mind now! I’ve got the ring on my finger and I’ve said YES. You’re committed now, no jilting allowed …’ Gracie jabbed her elbow in his side and laughed.
‘Of course I’m happy and you’re right, we can’t be changing our minds now. Neither of us. It’s official – you’re going to be Mrs Sean Donnelly, you’re going to be my wife! But we need to let our families know, to make it truly official. Will your parents mind that I didn’t ask your father first? I should have done that, shouldn’t I?’
‘No, I’ve told you before; they really don’t give a monkeys what I do. It’s been a long time since I was part of the family. Anyway, I’m a grown woman. I don’t need to tell them what I’m doing.’
Gracie’s tone was casual as she tried to shut the conversation down but she was suddenly on edge. She didn’t want to think about her family at that moment and she certainly didn’t give any thought to their potential role in the engagement yet she sensed that now they were going to be married, Sean would want to know more about the rift between them than she was comfortable with.
‘But getting wed’s something special, so maybe now’s the time to be putting all that right. We’ll go and visit together so I can meet your parents and your sisters. All this time us knowing each other and then going out and I’ve not met any of them, not a single one …’ he paused and looked straight into her eyes. ‘I’m just wondering, you’re not ashamed of me, are you?’
Gracie smiled quizzically, unsure if he was joking or serious. ‘Why would I be ashamed of you? It’s more likely to be the other way round, you being a good God-fearing Irishman and me a lazy old lapsed who only goes to church for weddings and funerals. I bet your family will hate you marrying an English girl …’
‘Oh Gracie, my lovely girl, they’re going to welcome you with open arms. I’m the golden boy of the family, don’t you know, the only boy with four big sisters who all adore their baby brother. I can get away with anything – even marrying a naughty English girl who doesn’t go to mass anymore. Or confession. I’m betting you don’t go to confession either …’
He laughed and pulled her into him. ‘We’re going to have to change that, you have to confess all your wrong-doings.’
‘I don’t need to go to confession, I never do anything wrong. You know, we should tell your family about the engagement right now. Let’s write to them …’
Gracie jumped up and crossed the room to the small bureau, hoping she’d distracted him away from asking any more about her family.
‘Okay now, here’s what I think,’ Sean said. ‘We’ll write to my parents in Ireland as you say and tell them the news, and then on my day off next week we’ll go and visit with your family and break it to them together. They live out by the airport now, don’t they? Right on the bus route.’
Gracie could feel the guilty panic rising as memories of the past came to the forefront of her mind.
She knew her easy-going father would be no problem, but her mother was a different kettle of fish. Gracie wasn’t sure she could trust her not to sabotage the engagement by either deliberately or accidentally revealing her secret to Sean.
All Gracie had wanted from her parents was for the past to be buried and forgotten but her mother had never been able to forgive her for the shame she had visited on the family.
On the few occasions when they saw each other the woman couldn’t resist sniping away over her daughter’s illegitimate pregnancy. She simply couldn’t forgive her, regardless of the passage of time, and it was the reason Gracie had had so little to do with her parents. It was easier to forget about her long-lost baby when she wasn’t constantly confronted by her mother bringing it up.
‘I know, instead of writing, let’s go to Ireland!’ Gracie blurted out, her voice gradually getting higher and faster. ‘Let’s go to Ireland and surprise them. I want to meet your family; we could take a small holiday. I’ve never been to Ireland, I’ve never been anywhere apart from London and Melton with Ruby. I know Ruby won’t mind if I’m away from the hotel for a few days …’
Sean frowned slightly as he looked hard at her. ‘A grand idea, I’m sure, but do I get the feeling you’re not wanting me to meet your family? In fact, I’m now really thinking you’re ashamed of me, Gracie. Do you think I’m not good enough for them? Not good enough for you yourself?’
‘That’s so daft and you know it,’ Gracie replied. ‘It’s just as I said, I don’t have much to do with them any more so telling them isn’t that important.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But you’re right and of course we’ll go and tell them … Soon. After we tell yours.’
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence from Sean where Gracie was unsure what to say, he stood up and walked over to the French windows that opened out onto the balcony.
‘Is it too cold to go out there, do you think?’ Sean asked, with his hand on the ornate wrought-iron handle.
‘Too bloody cold for me, that’s for sure,’ Gracie laughed, ‘but you’re welcome to go and freeze your ears off if you must.’
Sean shrugged his jacket on and stood the collar up round his ears before opening the full-length window and going outside. He quickly pulled it closed behind him, leaving Gracie rubbing her hands together in front of the fire and feeling as if her euphoria had been snatched away. She’d been so caught up in the dreamy planning, she’d stupidly not given a thought to Sean wanting to involve their respective families. With all his relatives being in Ireland and hers all but estranged they had never been part of their relationship and she had subconsciously excluded them all, but now she found herself wondering about Sean’s family and worrying about her own.
In Gracie’s mind, Ruby Blakeley was her family, the Thamesview Hotel was her home and she hadn’t thought much further than that.
As her new fiancé stood on the balcony, looking out into the darkness with his back to her, Gracie looked at his shadowy outline through the glass. He was standing perfectly still with his shoulders hunched up to his ears and his hands in his pockets.
At first glance Sean Donnelly looked very average and he didn’t stand out at all from the crowd. He was about five foot eight in his socks, with coarse black hair that already had a few premature stray white hairs, pale Celtic skin that glowed in the sun and the beginnings of a paunch – but he also had green eyes that twinkled when he laughed, an easy-going personality and he worked hard. His Irish accent had lessened over the years he’d been in England but it was still there in the background and Gracie loved listening to him when he was in full flow, telling embellished stories of happenings in the Palace Hotel where he worked. She had seen him grumpy, tired and occasionally fed-up but she’d never seen him lose his temper or get roaring drunk and he’d never been nasty to her, even when they occasionally bickered.
As she studied him, lost in her thoughts, he turned round and smiled at her. Gracie smiled back. Sean was a nice young man, perfect husband material in her eyes, and she was going to be his wife and the mother of his children. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that for her.
Especially not her oft-regretted past and her unforgiving mother.
Grabbing her coat and scarf Gracie followed Sean outside into the cold winter air.
‘It’s not that bad for January, is it? I’m guessing the over-hang of the roof protects the balcony from the worst of it,’ he said as she stepped alongside him. ‘There’s a bit of a nip in the air but we can keep each other warm.’
Sean put his arm around her shoulder and together they leaned on the balcony railing and peered out into the silent winter darkness that engulfed the estuary. As they looked ahead Gracie adjusted her eyes. The water was dark and the night clear, with a sprinkling of stars in the sky and a few random lights on the water from the fishing boats out in the deep water. It was so beautiful she wanted to cry.
‘Leonora used to be out here every spare moment you know, rain or shine, watching for passing boats and ships. I once saw her sweep several inches of snow off her chair so she could sit with her binoculars. She was such a secret romantic and she loved it out here; she just wanted to be on one of the big passenger liners heading off to the great unknown.’
Gracie opened her eyes wide as she felt the tears welling up; not just at the thought of Leonora Blakeley’s lost dreams, but at everything. Her heightened emotions on this special day were making her reminisce too much. She raised a hand to her eye and surreptitiously wiped a big fat tear away, hoping that Sean wouldn’t notice.
‘Well, it’s a grand place to be, that’s for sure,’ he said. ‘Right on the seafront like this. Ruby’s a lucky girl to own this hotel at such a young age; it must be worth a fortune. She was so fortunate to inherit it too, especially with her and Leonora not even being related.’
‘Oh, she knows she’s lucky but she’s worked really hard as well. That was why Leonora left it to her, she knew she’d take care of it; and I’m better off too because of her …’ Gracie opened her eyes wide again. ‘I mean, I’m living here and I’ve got a blinking good job as well! Rube’s been good to me, same as Leonora was in her own way. I’m so lucky!’
‘Ah maybe, but it’s a two-way street. Ruby would have been up the creek with no paddle without you beside her after that Leonora woman passed on. Don’t you go thinking you owe her any more than she owes you. If anything, you should be entitled to more than you have from her.’
‘I don’t think about it like that,’ Gracie said firmly, wanting to shut down the conversation. ‘I’m just so pleased I met Ruby and that we’re friends. More than friends in fact; we’re probably closer than sisters.’
She knew Sean was making a clumsy attempt to be supportive but she didn’t like hearing him use that almost jealous tone when he spoke about Ruby Blakeley, her friend. In the beginning she’d dismissed it as natural envy of Ruby’s lucky circumstance but sometimes his comments went just that bit too far for her to be comfortable.
‘How did that happen by the way?’ Sean asked, oblivious to the tightening of Gracie’s shoulders under his hand. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever known how the two of you met. Ruby was from London, wasn’t she? Apart from during the war?’
It was now or never; but Gracie hesitated. She would either have to tell him the whole sorry tale or stay silent forever. If she was going to marry Sean, she would have to tell him that she and Ruby had met as unmarried mothers on the maternity ward. Be honest, she told herself, tell the truth and shame the devil.
‘At the Kursaal. We met at the Kursaal just after the war when Ruby came to live down here. We were both young and daft, and we clicked. We became friends, almost immediately.’
The decision was made. Without even thinking about it consciously the words were out, the lie was told and Gracie knew there could be no going back. She sighed with relief that she had made her choice, even if it been an instant reaction rather than a well-thought out and measured decision. Now though, she knew she couldn’t ever tell Sean her shameful secret.
The flat where Gracie lived was on the top floor of the Thamesview Hotel, a long established ‘ladies only’ hotel on the outskirts of Southend, on the Essex coast. Leonora Wheaton had set it up before the war as a quiet and select establishment where widows and single women could go for a holiday at the seaside on their own without risk to their reputation. It was genteel and quaint and although there had been some recent upgrading, the essence of it had stayed. A few of the guests had been visiting for years. Sometimes they were accompanied by sisters, daughters, even maids, but no men were allowed to stay under any circumstances. They were allowed into the lobby or the small guest lounge by invitation but the foot of a male visitor could never be placed on the stairs that led up to the accommodation.
Leonora Wheaton had enforced that rule rigidly and Ruby was following suit because it was a formula that worked for the business.
The terraced property was just three storeys high, with a basement that was used for staff accommodation, a tiny annexe flat at the rear and a comfortable self-contained flat on the top floor, where Gracie and Ruby lived. The guest accommodation was basic but it was always clean and tidy and the service was as impeccable as it had always been when Leonora had been the owner.
The decoration in the flat was not in the style that either of the young women who lived there would have chosen, but Ruby wasn’t yet ready to fully modernise it. Not only did she feel it would be disrespectful to Leonora but she had also had to concentrate her time and money on the renovations of the hotel itself, which had become outdated and tired during the war years.
Despite her young age Ruby Blakeley had been bequeathed it nearly two years before in 1952, and Gracie, who had previously helped out there in between her own shifts at the Palace Hotel, now worked alongside her as manageress and general dogsbody, doing the job that Ruby herself used to do. But because it was a small hotel with few staff they both did anything and everything that needed doing around the hotel; they worked hard and had long hours but they both loved what they did and worked together well.
The Thamesview Hotel was not only Gracie’s workplace, it was also her home and she loved it there.
‘Where shall we live when we’re married?’ Sean suddenly asked, still looking ahead into the dark distance of the Thames Estuary
‘Dunno. We’ll have to start looking for somewhere but it’ll have to be somewhere near to both hotels. There are some nice small flats around the back here …’ Gracie felt a slight feeling of anxiety rise within her. She really couldn’t imagine leaving the hotel and Ruby; it was another thing she hadn’t given enough thought to when she had excitedly accepted Sean’s proposal.
‘Mind, you won’t be working here for long after we’re wed. You’re to be my wife and then, please God, the babies will come along. We’re going to need to look in Southend itself, near the Palace, near to where I work. My job has to come first, especially now I’m to get another promotion.’
Sean paused and smiled reassuringly before leaning over and kissing his new fiancée lightly on the lips.
‘It’ll be grand having our own lives, you’ll see. Maybe Ruby will see you right for everything you’ve done for her. As I said, a big bonus payment for services over and above. You’re entitled, you know, and we’ll need all the money we can get.’
Gracie smiled back, but said nothing. She knew Sean simply didn’t realise what a wrench it was going to be for her to move out.
That night as Gracie lay in her bed wide awake and deep in thought, she tried to envisage her new life with Sean in their own home, hopefully with a baby. It was all she had dreamed about, ever since the day she had had to give up her firstborn baby son forever. Gracie was excited at the prospect of making a home and a family with Sean, but she also felt nervous at the thought of such a complete change in her life. The euphoria of the day had been tinged with regret and while she wanted everything Sean was offering her, she also didn’t want to give up what she had.
Gracie went to sleep that night on the horns of a dilemma that she hoped would quickly resolve itself.
THREE (#ulink_c46eafdb-5327-5534-9d28-e604b35711da)
Feeling apprehensive, she stood on the edge of the pavement on the other side of the road and watched for a few moments, bracing herself to take the next step. As always, her stomach churned nervously; she wanted to turn and walk away as she had done on the previous occasion.
But this time Gracie knew she had to follow through so she stood perfectly still and gathered her emotions. As she breathed deeply she studied the man directly opposite her who was kneeling on a rolled-up newspaper, methodically tending the flower bed that edged a neat bungalow.
He was noticeably older and rounder, and his hair was thinner than when she’d last seen him, but there was no disputing who he was. Just looking at him nurturing his plants with his pipe sticking out of the corner of his mouth, she could tell he was still a gentle soul. She felt immense guilt at the fact that she rarely saw him or any of her family any more, but she found it just too hard to be confronted with things from the past that she wanted to bury.
She crossed the road and stopped at the edge of the tiny front garden.
‘Hello Dad,’ Gracie said quietly. ‘How are you?’
Fred McCabe looked up from his gardening and smiled up at his daughter, his obvious pleasure at the sight of her increasing her guilt at having left it so long.
‘Gracie! Hello my dear,’ he said with joy in his voice as he stood up. ‘It’s so nice to see you. I thought you’d forgotten about your old dad, it’s been so long …’
Gracie looked sheepish. ‘I know, I’m sorry, but …’ she paused. ‘Well, you know what it’s like, it’s just easier to stay away and let things lie. I’m a bit of a coward under fire.’
‘I know what you mean dear, but it probably makes things worse,’ he said kindly. ‘Maybe if we didn’t only see you once in a blue moon your mother would have come round a bit more.’
‘I tried that …’ Gracie started.
‘I know but I don’t think you appreciate how hard it was for your mother. But no one knows about it here so perhaps there’s hope.’
‘But no one knew about it where we were before, she just thought they did,’ Gracie felt compelled to reply.
‘I know,’ Fred McCabe said with a gentle smile. ‘But your mother has always worried about the neighbours, and her mother before her; it’s the way of her side of the family. My way is live and let live. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.’
‘You could have come to see me; you know where I live, you all know where I live. It was hard at the Palace, I grant you, but the Thamesview is different,’ Gracie paused, suddenly aware that she was being defensive again. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t go on, I know! But it’s nice to see you now and I’ve got something to tell you, some good news …’
‘All in good time, Gracie, all in good time.’ Fred McCabe interrupted her quickly. ‘Your mother’s inside but your sisters are both out gallivanting, what with it being the weekend. You are coming in, aren’t you? Not just passing by?’
‘If you want me to … if Mum won’t mind. I want to talk to you.’
‘When we get inside. Mustn’t leave your mother out, eh?’ Fred smiled at his eldest daughter and patted her shoulder affectionately.
‘It’s nice round here, all peaceful and homely,’ Gracie said, putting off the moment she would have to face her mother once again. She looked around at the small, neat estate of pre-fabricated bungalows that had been erected just after the war to house many of the local residents who had been bombed out of their own homes. The small properties were all identical in design and colour but most showed their inhabitants’ identity via the lace curtains at the windows and flowers in the postage stamp-sized front gardens.
‘It’s really handy for everything,’ Gracie continued. ‘Blimey, you’ve got the buses on the doorstep and shops round the corner; and the airport within spitting distance for you.’
‘We were lucky to get housed here, what with me working at the airport. Now I walk over the road and there I am. I can even pop home for lunch if the mood takes me, and the pub is just down the road for when I need it.’
He laughed and Gracie joined in conspiratorially, even though she knew her father had never touched a drop of alcohol in his life. His only vice was the familiar old brown pipe that was either clamped between his teeth or in his hand being emptied and refilled almost ritualistically. At night it was always placed upside down in the large chipped glass ashtray that lived on the draining board. Gracie wondered nostalgically if it was still there in the new place or if her mother had succeeded in banishing it outside.
‘And I have a shed! It’s not big enough to turn round in but I’ve always wanted one,’ her dad said, grinning.
‘That’s good, Dad. You deserve it.’
‘I don’t know about deserve it but it’s nice to have my own little hidey-hole after a lifetime of living with all you girls,’ he laughed.
‘How are the twins?’ Gracie asked. ‘I saw Jenny some time back – I bumped into her in the high street. She looked really nice but she was as shy as ever, chalk and cheese that pair,’ she added, referring to the twin sisters who were four years her junior.
‘Jenny said she saw you, that you were doing well at that hotel with your friend. I was pleased to hear it. We’ll soon be on our own here; the twins are both engaged and planning a double wedding in a couple of years time. That should save me a few bob, two for the price of one. They both seem like nice lads …’
‘Oh, Jenny never said a word about it to me …’ Gracie smiled sadly. ‘I suppose I’m not invited then. Me being the black sheep and all.’
Her father put his arm around her waist and gently edged her to the front door, which was ajar. ‘Now, that’s not like you to be self-pitying. You’re jumping to conclusions again, they haven’t even set the date yet! And to be fair, we’ve lived here for nigh on eighteen months now and you haven’t come to visit us.’
‘I know. I really do know, and I’m sorry but …’ Gracie began.
‘Come on,’ Fred McCabe said quietly. ‘Let’s go inside and break the ice.’ He put his head inside the door and called out. ‘Dot? Are you there, Dot? We’ve got a visitor …’
Pushing the door right back he slipped his muddy boots off, hung his coat on the hook on the back of the door and stood back to let his daughter pass. Following his nudge, she turned through into the neat sitting room, at the same time as her mother appeared in the doorway opposite that led through to the kitchenette. Both women stopped in their tracks on different sides of the room.
Rather than meet her mother’s eye immediately, Gracie scanned the room.
There was very little there that was familiar to her, apart from a couple of ornaments on the shelf over the gas fire, the large wooden mantle-clock that had belonged to her grandparents, and the lace tray-cloth that had pride of place on the sideboard. The furniture was noticeably second-hand but it was in good condition and the room was immaculately clean and tidy. However, it was as if she was in a stranger’s home, and Gracie felt a wave of sadness engulf her.
There was no disputing that Dot McCabe was Gracie’s mother. Both were tall and slender with brown hair, matching brown eyes, full lips and obvious cheekbones, but whereas Gracie was a naturally happy soul with a ready smile, her mother definitely wasn’t. It showed in the frown lines etched across her forehead and around her permanently downturned mouth.
She was dressed in top-to-toe dark grey with a faded navy blue apron tied around her waist and lisle stockings rolled down to her ankles. Dot McCabe’s whole persona shouted misery and Gracie could feel it sucking her in from across the room.
‘Well, well … Look what the cat’s dragged in, the prodigal daughter …’ her mother said, without changing her expression.
Although she forced a smile Gracie could feel the familiar griping ache in the pit of her stomach. Despite her hoping otherwise, nothing had changed.
‘Nice to see you too, Mum …’ Gracie said as she stared at her mother, her expression neutral. ‘I like the new place, real cosy isn’t it? And so convenient for Dad’s work.’
‘Is that why you’re here? To have a good nosey round?’ Dot held her arm out and waved it around with a flourish. ‘Well, this it. Not quite a flashy big seafront hotel but we make do. Beggars can’t be choosers.’
‘The hotel’s not big and it’s not flashy, and I think this is really nice. It must have been a relief to get out of the Westcliff flat …’
‘You didn’t have to put up with it as long as we did, you left us to get on with it …’ the woman said angrily.
‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ Fred interrupted, trying to break the tension. ‘You two sit down and have a natter.’
Dot McCabe glared at her husband. ‘About what? About why our own daughter can’t be bothered to visit her family? About how she thinks we’re beneath her now she’s got hoity-toity friends? What else?’
‘About anything, Dot. You and Gracie could just catch up on all your news now she’s here at last. Family is family,’ he smiled.
‘Gracie doesn’t think she is any more’.
‘Actually I wanted to talk to both of you together …’ Gracie forced herself to stay calm and looked from one to the other. ‘Please? It won’t take long and then we can have tea.’
As she held her hands out to try and appeal to her mother, Dot reached forward and pointed.
‘What’s this?’
‘It’s an engagement ring, that’s what I want to talk to you about. I’m getting married. His name is Sean Donnelly.’ Gracie smiled and kept her voice calm; she knew she had to somehow get her mother on side.
‘Oh congratulations, Gracie, that’s good news! Tell us about the lucky young man,’ her father said quickly, as if to pre-empt his wife’s response.
‘When’s this happening?’ Dot asked.
‘We haven’t set a date yet, we only got engaged on New Years’ Eve. I’ve known him a long time – we used to work together at the Palace before I went to Thamesview.’ Gracie started talking faster and faster in a bid to deflect her mother. ‘He’s a chef – well, he’s an assistant chef but sometimes he gets to be in charge. It’s a good job and he earns well, he works strange and long hours but that’s the nature of the business for both of us. We both work hard.’
‘We’re pleased for you, Gracie, you deserve a nice young man and I hope he deserves you,’ her father smiled again. ‘Tell us some more about him …’
Fred was doing his best to stop the conversation getting contentious and Gracie was grateful to him for it but like King Canute trying to hold back the water, he didn’t stand a chance of success; despite her telling them all about Sean she could see her mother was just itching for her chance to have another go.
‘Does he know about you?’ Her mother interrupted sharply, unable to hold it in any longer.
‘I told you, we’ve known each other for a long time, so he knows me really well. We were friends for years before we got serious …’ Gracie deliberately misinterpreted what she knew her mother was asking.
‘You know what I mean,’ Dot snapped. ‘Does he know about the baby?’
‘Well, of course he doesn’t,’ Gracie laughed sarcastically. ‘Why would I tell him that? It was such a long time ago. It’s all done and dusted, old news, my baby son – despatched and forgotten, the way you always wanted it.’
‘Not for us it’s not forgotten. Such a shameful time for us all, but I’m pleased you realise at last how shameful it is. You must do or you would have told him …’
‘Yes, okay,’ Gracie interrupted to stem the flow of remonstrations, ‘but it’s history now, you got your way and it’s over. If I could change it all I would but I can’t, I can’t go back in time and not be so bloody stupid. I can’t go back and get my baby back either so no one won, did they? Oh, apart from the chosen couple who bloody well got to have him …’
‘We know all that, Gracie, and I know it upsets you,’ her father said, ‘but don’t swear. We don’t like it.’
‘Sorry Dad, but she’s enough to make a saint swear sometimes,’ Gracie said, almost petulantly. ‘Anyway I’m here because Sean wants to meet you, to make it formal. I’d like to bring him round but I have to know you won’t say anything to him …’
Her mother smiled slightly and shook her head. ‘Ah, so that’s why we’re being graced with a visit. Now you want us to save your skin. I knew there had to be a reason …’
‘I just don’t want you to say anything about it. It’s history – we’ve all got on with our lives since then. You’re here and settled, and I’m happy with my life and I don’t want anything to spoil it.’
‘So you think I’d do that, do you? You really think I’d broadcast something like that to all and sundry? That I’d tell anyone about it?’ Gracie was surprised to see her mother looking hurt, as if she was really shocked that her daughter could think something like that.
‘I don’t know, Mum – you don’t like me very much, do you?’ Gracie said with sad resignation.
Dot McCabe looked directly at her daughter and stared her down for a few seconds, before turning away without answering. Gracie then looked at her father and sniffed loudly, a gesture full of unspoken meaning.
‘I’ll make the tea,’ her father said as he backed towards the kitchen door.
‘Oh no you don’t, Freddie, you stay right here! I can’t believe our own daughter thinks that way about us. Tell her, tell her she’s being cruel and ungrateful …’
Fred McCabe frowned and thought for a few moments before answering. Gracie could see he was stuck in the middle, where he had always hated to be, and was racking his brains for a way to keep the peace.
‘Your mother’s right, Gracie, that’s just nonsense. Why would we say anything out of place to your fiancé? To anyone for that matter? Why would we want it all out in the open now? You bring him round and we’ll all be nice as pie and twice as sweet …’ he laughed and turned to his wife. ‘We’ll welcome him and you. We want to meet him if he’s going to be our son-in-law.’
Still standing on the far side of the small sitting room, her back right up against the wall and her feet together, Gracie’s mother folded her arms tightly and protectively across her chest.
‘Providing you’re not expecting us to cough up towards the wedding. We’ve got the twins’ wedding to save for, we can’t take on any more expense; not that you’d be interested, but we’re strapped enough as it is.’
Gracie smiled slightly and shook her head; she was determined to stay calm. She had to somehow get her mother on her side, and if that meant not saying what she was thinking, then that was what she would do.
‘Of course not. Me and Sean are doing it ourselves. It’s not going to be a big knees-up wedding and reception or anything, just a quiet ceremony at St George’s and a small reception at the hotel. Ruby’s organising it as a wedding present …’
‘She would be, wouldn’t she? That Ruby has always been more important to you than your own family.’ Dot paused for a second and then suddenly opened her eyes wide and stared at her daughter closely. ‘You’re not in the family way again, are you?’
Gracie shook her head. ‘No, I’m not – and if I was then I wouldn’t tell you, not after last time. This time it’s all going to be done by the book.’
‘Oh stop it, you stupid girl!’ her mother snapped. ‘Last time you were little more than a child yourself, with no man to marry you. We did what was best for you – which is more than can be said for soldier boy, who disappeared off, never to be seen again …’
‘No Mum, you did what was best for you,’ Gracie said calmly. ‘Anything rather than have the neighbours know. That baby was my first-born, he was your grandson, your first grandchild but you gave him away to strangers …’
‘It was for the best as we saw it at the time, best for everyone, but especially for you,’ her father interrupted. ‘You can’t blame us for what we did. We thought it was right then and, if I’m honest, I still think it was right, but I think it’s also time to stop talking about it. Both of you. It can’t be changed, so there’s no point in going over it again and again.’
Gracie shrugged and looked into the middle distance. He was right. The same ground had been covered each time she and her mother had been face to face until eventually Gracie had stopped visiting and the rift had widened. But now she needed to know that all would be well when she and Sean went to see them to announce the engagement formally.
‘Okay, I’d love to put it behind us,’ Gracie said. ‘But can you just promise me you won’t mention anything in front of Sean when I bring him round? I really want this to work with him – he’s a nice young man and I want to be married and have a baby that I can keep, I really do …’
‘We won’t say anything but, be warned, secrets always come out and then it’ll end in tears.’ Her father shook his head and waved a finger at Gracie, the way he used to when she was a child. ‘Your mother and I won’t say a word – today is the last time it will ever be mentioned, but you should think about telling your young man yourself. It’s not a good idea to start your married life with secrets,’ he said wisely.
‘I can’t tell him now; I’ve left it too late. I had a chance and I let it go so now it has to be buried forever. I don’t want Sean to know I visited today.’
Fred and Dot McCabe both nodded; her father with a smile on his face and her mother with her usual frown.
‘We won’t say anything …’ Fred said. ‘Now I really must make that cuppa. I don’t know about you two but I’m parched.’
As she looked from one to the other, Gracie knew instinctively that her secret would be kept safe with her parents, even if it would be mostly for her mother’s sake.
For the first time in many years, father, mother and daughter sat down together and had a conversation that didn’t revolve around recriminations. The truce was a little uneasy between them but Gracie tried her best. She wanted to make up with them, even if she only managed a superficial relationship as her friend Ruby had done with her own family. But Gracie knew that even if she forgave, she could never really forget what had happened. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, the memory of it was as sharp and clear as if it had only just happened.
FOUR (#ulink_01ea3559-9e79-56db-8fa4-56bdc2fc280f)
1946
‘Gracie … Why aren’t you up? You’ll be out on your ear if you’re late again …’
‘I feel sick and I’ve got belly-ache, I can’t go today …’ Gracie McCabe moaned from her bed.
‘Oh yes you can,’ Dot McCabe shouted from the other side of the door, before flinging it open so hard it crashed against the end of the bed. She turned the dim ceiling light on and went into the bedroom. ‘Now you just get out of that bed and get yourself to work. We need the money, you lazy little mare. Get up …’
When Gracie didn’t move her mother pulled the bedclothes back in one swift movement. ‘What’s going on with you girl? Get your backside up now and get going. If you miss the bus you’ll have to walk, you’re not using my bicycle again.’
‘I don’t feel well, I feel sick …’
‘That’s no excuse, get out of that bed right now and get yourself dressed.’
Jennifer and Jeanette, Gracie’s fourteen-year-old twin sisters, who had still been asleep in the double bed across the room, sat up quickly and nudged each other. Both were openly amused that it was their sister in Dot McCabe’s angry firing line instead of them.
The two girls weren’t identical twins; in fact they were not remotely alike in either appearance or temperament. Despite their mother’s best efforts to dress and treat them the same, they were really just two sisters who happened to be the same age, two sisters with nothing in common except for their birth.
Jennifer was quiet, academic and very similar in appearance to Gracie and her mother in both stature and features, whereas Jeanette was shorter, her hair naturally fair and her figure curvy, even at fourteen, with a sprinkling of freckles and a loud laugh. She was also prone to getting into trouble both at school and with the neighbours, something which Jennifer never did.
When they were young they had often bickered but always sided against everyone else, but as they’d grown older their opposing personalities had led them to grow slightly apart and have different friends and hobbies.
As they sat on the bed watching the scene in front of them, Dot McCabe suddenly realised they were there and nodded her head in their direction.
‘These two have got to get ready for school. If you’re going to be sick then get yourself into the kitchen and get a bowl.’
Gracie threw the rest of her covers off and, with her shoulders hunched and clutching her stomach tightly, she quickly ran from the room, her mother hot on her heels. She knew she wasn’t going to be sick as such but she wasn’t well enough to go to work. She was tired, she was emotional and she was very scared.
Suddenly she was also fed up with covering up and pretending. It was time for her secret to come out.
‘Stop going on at me all the time!’ Gracie screamed with her back to Dot. ‘I’m not going to be sick. I’m in the family way, I feel bad because I’m going to have a baby …’
Gracie looked defiantly at her mother and watched the colour drain from the woman’s face.
‘What did you just say?’
Suddenly aware of the enormity of what she was saying out loud for the first time, Gracie backed away.
‘I said, I said …’ she stuttered. ‘I said, I’m going to have a baby and I can’t go to work.’
‘No you’re not, you can’t be,’ her mother interrupted. ‘Don’t say stupid things like that just cos you don’t want to go to work, that’s wicked …’
‘Well I am. I’ve not had a show for ages and my belly’s fat. Look.’ With fake bravado Gracie unfolded her arms and patted her eight months pregnant stomach through her thin cotton nightdress, the growing stomach that she’d managed to keep hidden from everyone, both at home and at work.
Dot McCabe’s expression was almost serene as she looked first at the ceiling and then at her daughter’s swollen belly. She stared quietly for a few moments as she tried to take in the information her oldest child had given her, and then swiftly took two steps forward and slapped her daughter hard around the ear with the flat of her hand.
Then she completely lost control and did it over and over again, with both hands, hitting her as hard as she could.
‘You dirty slut, you’re dirty … dirty! How could you do that? You disgusting creature!’
Gracie tried to protect her head with her hands but still the blows rained down.
‘How could you? Who did it to you? Oh my dear God, the neighbours, the idiots downstairs, they’re all going to enjoy this! We’ll be a laughing stock. Who knows about this? Who have you told?’
‘No one, no one knows. I wanted to tell you before but I was scared,’ Gracie cried, her earlier bravery now forgotten.
‘And so you should be. What about the father? Is he that nasty squaddie your father saw you with? Is he going to marry you?’
Gracie was sobbing and talking in huge gasps.
‘No, he’s gone … he said he wanted to marry me but now he’s gone and I don’t know where and I don’t know what to do. As soon as I told him he left me. He disappeared,’ Gracie cried, gasping for breath.
Dot’s face glowed with anger as she stared at her daughter and the enormity of the situation hit her.
‘You stupid, stupid girl! Of course he left you, who wants to marry a girl who’s easy?’
The tiny kitchen prevented Dot McCabe from pacing, so instead she turned around on the spot and slapped her own forehead with the palm of her hand.
‘No one can find out about this, no one. Do you understand me? And I dread to think what your father’s going to say when he gets home. Get back into your bedroom now and stay there. Go on, you get back in there; just get in there, get into bed and cover yourself up,’ Dot McCabe reached up and took hold of Gracie by her hair, tugging it hard. ‘Don’t say a word to your sisters; I’ve got to decide what we’re going to do. Go, go, go and stop that snivelling …’
She let go of Gracie’s hair, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the back bedroom at the end of the long corridor of the upstairs flat.
‘You two, get dressed and get off to school,’ she told the twins. ‘Gracie’s sick and I don’t want either of you to catch it. Go on. Move. Now.’
‘But it’s too early …’ Jeanette said sulkily. ‘Why should we have to go to school now just because Gracie’s sick? What’s wrong with her?’
‘Now!’ Dot McCabe snapped with such ferocity that even Jeanette, the normally loud and argumentative sister, didn’t answer back. Without another word, both girls started pulling on their clothes. Under the watchful eye of their angry mother they purposefully ignored their sister as she climbed back into her bed and buried herself under the covers.
The double bedroom the three sisters shared was at the back of the property where the family lived. The large, semi-derelict, terraced house in the Westcliff area of Southend-on-Sea was a temporary home to three separate families, The McCabe family had the whole of the first floor, the ground floor housed a noisy family with three uncontrollable young children and the top floor, which was the attic, was home to a young married couple who were related to the landlord. None of the flats were self-contained and, whether they wanted to or not, they all intruded into each other’s lives.
Everyone living in the house hated it but it was a basic roof over their heads in the difficult times just after the war. For the McCabe family, it had been somewhere immediate for them to live when their previous home had been declared unsafe after a nearby bomb had shaken the foundations, cracked the front wall from top to bottom and shifted most of the tiles off the roof.
Their floor was relatively spacious but it was also damp, cold, and lacking in most of the basic amenities. They took it in turns to wash at the small kitchen sink and family meals were cooked on a gas stove with three rings and a broken oven, but at least there was a working lavatory which they shared with the couple upstairs. The family on the ground floor were supposed to use the outside lavatory but the children would sometimes sneak upstairs to avoid going out into the back yard. The whole situation was unbearably chaotic for everyone in the house but they all tolerated it as they waited for something better.
Gracie pulled the covers right up over her head to block everything out; she was angry with herself for not following her instincts and just running away and hoping for the best.
Because she worked long hours at the Palace Hotel on the seafront she hadn’t been home very much for the family to notice her growing belly and at work as a chambermaid she was able to keep it hidden under her roomy overall. But now her secret was out and she was going to have to accept the consequences which she knew would be harsh after seeing her mother’s initial reaction.
A sense of impending doom enveloped Gracie as she lay wrapped up tightly in her bed, waiting to see what her mother was going to do. She could feel the baby moving inside her and without thinking, she wrapped her arms around it protectively. She guessed she would have to wait for her father’s return from work before she would know her fate but she knew without doubt even her genial and easy-going father wouldn’t be able to take her side this time.
Gracie couldn’t even begin to imagine what the outcome of it all would be. Engulfed in her own misery, she tried to think of a way to resolve her situation. She thought about running away but she didn’t have a clue where to go and she also didn’t have the energy so all she could do was wait.
The feigned sickness of earlier became real as hunger gnawed at her stomach but she didn’t want to leave the bedroom as she could imagine her mother standing guard outside the door. Gracie didn’t resent her mother for the beating she had given her; she understood that she’d pushed her to the limit. To have everyone know that their eldest daughter was unmarried and pregnant, especially with father unknown, would be the ultimate disgrace – both in the neighbourhood and at the church. Gracie knew that she had committed the ultimate sin and for that there would be consequences. She just hoped they wouldn’t be as harsh as she was anticipating. She touched her stomach and tried her best not to imagine the baby she knew was inside her, the baby she could no longer pretend didn’t exist.
When Gracie heard her mother’s footsteps going down the bare boards of the stairs, followed by the sound of the front door opening and closing, she took her chance to go and find something to eat. But as she stepped onto the landing so she saw her mother coming back up the stairs.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’ Dot asked.
‘To the kitchen to get something to eat …’ but as Gracie answered she saw someone else standing behind her mother.
‘No you’re not, you’ve got a visitor.’ Dot replied shortly.
‘Good day to you, Gracie. Your mother was telling me you have a problem that needs my help …’
Gracie looked at Father Thomas, the parish priest, and her heart sank. In that instant she knew what was going to happen. Her worst nightmare was about to become reality: she was going to be sent to St Angela’s.
‘Yes, Father …’ was all she could say.
‘Don’t say anything else out here …’ her mother looked around furtively as she whispered to both of them. ‘Wait until we’re somewhere private. There are too many listening ears in this house – I don’t want a soul hearing about this, not a soul …’
Gracie’s knees were shaking as she turned and headed into the living room at the front of the house, followed closely by her mother and the priest. She felt incredibly ashamed having her very personal and private business discussed in front of Father Thomas but at the same time he was someone she quite liked and respected. Gracie sat down on one of the upright chairs that were crowded around the dining table tucked in the bay window and waited passively for him to outline his plan.
‘Now young Gracie, I’m here at your mother’s request to seek a resolution to the problem. We’re thinking you should be going to St Angela’s until this baby is born and then we’ll arrange for it to be adopted by a loving married couple who will raise it as their own. You’re unwed and just eighteen years of age; it will be for the best. There are many good couples in the parish seeking a baby. It’ll be well placed to be having a good future with good married parents.’
Father Thomas’ expression was as kindly as it could be under the circumstances and his tone was calmbut there was no avoiding the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied his words.
‘Thank you,’ Gracie shrugged, aware that her fate was sealed.
She’d known of other girls who’d trod the path to St Angela’s mother and baby home, a large country house on the other side of Rochford which was run by the strictest of nuns, some of whom were nurses, and used by local churchgoing and non-religious parents alike as both a warning and a threat to their daughters … If you get yourself into trouble that’s where you’ll have to go. You’ll get carted off to St Angela’s, and you know what happens there …
That day, when the truth had come out and Gracie had been spirited out of the house and driven away under cover of darkness by a silent stranger, had been a pivotal point in her life. She would remember it clearly forever – because it was the day her relationship with her family had been irreparably damaged.
Gracie hated her mother for sending her away so rapidly with no time for any discussion and no say in her own fate and that of her child’s; she resented her father for not intervening even though she knew deep down that he had no more say in the matter than she herself did, and it upset her that her sisters didn’t understand why she disappeared without a word, never to be a part of the family again.
Gracie had seen a few other girls disappear for a while and then return thinner, sadder and tight-lipped about where they’d been. Everyone guessed they had been to St Angela’s but no one ever spoke about it. It was the bogey-man that had to be avoided at all costs.
Father Thomas had been as kindly as he could be with Dot McCabe standing close beside him and had presented the stay at the home as the only solution for her predicament. Gracie would stay there until the baby was born and adopted, and then she could return home to continue her life with her reputation intact, with no one ever knowing that she had fallen by the wayside.
It had all sounded almost reasonable, until the moment she had been led through the doors of the building that looked just like a large country house from the outside.
But inside the home had been another story altogether.
FIVE (#ulink_65546edb-615f-5441-a676-beeeeecdce73)
Summer 1954
With butterflies that felt the size of blackbirds flapping away inside her stomach, Gracie wandered around the guest lounge at the Thamesview Hotel several times, looking at and touching everything. She ran her fingers along the edge of the marble fireplace, moved a chair a fraction and carefully straightened the new green velvet curtains that framed the sash windows of the room that was going to host her wedding reception. It wasn’t a huge space, but it had a beautiful view out across the estuary and was big enough for the limited number of guests they had invited. Ruby had made good her promise to host their wedding breakfast; the ceremony was to take place in the church just up the road in Shoebury and then the informal reception was being held back at the Thamesview Hotel afterwards.
As Gracie looked around and pondered, she found it hard to believe that in just three days’ time the wedding she had long anticipated would be happening and that she would soon be Sean’s wife. It had only been a few short months since their engagement at the beginning of the year but everything to do with the day was organised down to the last detail, including her beautiful dress that was hanging in wait on the back of the bedroom door.
Gracie tried to calm her pre-wedding nerves by thinking of the occasion rather than the personal aspect of getting married but still she could feel the nerves in her stomach.
After a final look around she closed her eyes and tried to imagine the complex group of invited family and friends in the room together, hopefully laughing, chatting and celebrating her and Sean’s marriage.
Gracie McCabe was hoping against hope that she was making the right decision in marrying Sean Donnelly.
She still felt wary about the two families meeting and how they would all interact, but she was less concerned about her own family being at the wedding after their meeting with Sean had gone so well.
Gracie had been so cautious and nervy when they had arrived at the front door, but her father had immediately welcomed Sean, and encouraged her mother to do likewise. And then Gracie had watched in awe as her new fiancé had turned on the charm and her mother had softened in a way she had never seen before; the normally fierce and abrupt woman practically melting in front of her. It had certainly been an eye-opener to see the feminine side of her mother and it made Gracie smile every time she thought about it. Fred McCabe had been his usual amiable self and her sister Jeanette had giggled girlishly and blushed at Sean’s humorous flattery. Her other sister Jennifer had stayed unobtrusively in the background looking disinterested but despite that Sean had made every effort to charm her and include her in all the conversations.
‘He could charm the birds out of the trees, that one …’ Dot McCabe had said under her breath as they were leaving and Gracie thought that was the nearest thing to a compliment her mother could have uttered. For the first time in all those years she allowed herself to think there was a possibility of a truce between them.
Gracie had been so relieved at the successful outcome, and so buoyed by its success, that it had been a bit of a shock when they’d made the journey to Ireland and she had discovered Sean’s mother was a completely different kettle of fish to the jolly mammy that he himself had described to her.
The instant they had turned up at the Donnelly family home on the outskirts of Dublin, Gracie had realised that she was in for a rough ride. His mother, father, sisters, their respective husbands and some of the nephews and nieces were all waiting outside in a reception line on either side of the garden path and while Sean had excitedly bounced along and said hello to them all, Gracie had been left behind to face a maternal inquisition.
Gracie had done her best to be as charming and receptive as Sean had been to her family but when it came to Sean’s mother she knew immediately that the woman had taken against her on principle. The three days spent in Dublin had been a nightmare for Gracie but she’d survived it by telling herself it wouldn’t have to happen often as they all lived such a long way away.
His mother Rosaleen, two of his sisters and his cousin Patrick were arriving from Ireland the day before the wedding and would be staying at the Thamesview, along with Babs and George Wheaton, Ruby’s foster family from her time in evacuation, and their adopted daughter Maggie, who was going to be a bridesmaid alongside Ruby, her birth mother.
Gracie’s parents and twin sisters were going to be at the wedding, as well as Ruby’s boyfriend, Johnnie Riordan, and a few friends from the Palace.
Everything was in order.
Mrs Sean Donnelly. Get down off the shelf, Miss Gracie McCabe, you’re going to be Mrs Sean Donnelly. You’re going to be a blushing bride … she sang to herself tunelessly as she twirled around in an imaginary waltz across the room and through the doorway, into the reception area. The hotel was eerily empty of ordinary guests, but each room would soon be occupied with the family members and guests who were travelling a distance. Gracie just hoped that everyone would get along for that one day.
As she noted the unusual silence in the building Gracie wondered again at the kindness of her friend Ruby Blakeley, who had forgone four full days of bookings in her hotel to allow room for their wedding guests.
‘Ruby …’ she called. ‘Ruby, where are you? Do you want a cuppa? I’m just going through to the kitchen to make one.’
Ruby put her head out the door on the far side of the hotel reception area and smiled at Gracie.
‘I’m still in the office and yes please, I’m gasping in here. I really wish I could conquer this typewriting lark …’ Ruby said. ‘Actually, shall we go and sit outside, make the most of this very strange peace and quiet? It’s almost spooky, it’s so quiet. This is the first time since I came here that there hasn’t been at least one guest in the building. Even in winter there’s usually someone.’
‘I know. It’s sort of scary …’ Gracie ran across the lobby. ‘Actually, I’ve an even better idea. Let’s go out for the afternoon. No one’s due to turn up until tomorrow evening so we could go and do the things we used to do when we first met, have some fun instead of sitting here all alone, twiddling our thumbs!’
‘Oh yes. I vote for ice cream for lunch and chips for tea, but not too much – you have to fit into your dress on Saturday!’ Ruby laughed. ‘I’ll finish off in here and for once we can just go out and lock up. I’ve had a notice printed for the door to say we’re closed until Monday so we can give it a trial run.’
‘Great. I’ll go and find Henry and let him know he’ll be behind locked doors all alone with the telephone!’
Half an hour later the two friends giggled like schoolgirls as they ran down the steps of the hotel and crossed the road to the promenade.
‘Where shall we start?’ Gracie asked.
‘Kursaal, of course,’ Ruby said. ‘But no more eyeing up the handsome young men who work there, you’re going to be a married woman come Saturday …’
‘But there’s no harm in looking, is there?’ Gracie said mischievously. ‘I mean, who can resist a glimpse of muscle on the arms of a fairground boy?’
‘I suppose not, as it’s a bit of a custom when we go there,’ Ruby grinned as they linked arms and strolled in the direction of the town. It was a perfect day for an afternoon off; the sun was shining, the sea was glistening and both young women were happy in each other’s company.
They walked slowly all along the promenade until they got to the entrance to the Kursaal amusement park; then Gracie and Ruby ran inside, giggling as they raced each other along the path to the first ride. They then slowly made their way around the park in exactly the same way as they had when they had first met in 1946, just weeks after they had both given birth to their first-born but illegitimate babies.
A couple of hours later they stumbled over to the grass that edged the main area of the Kursaal amusement park and fell down in tandem. They were laughing fit to bust after three consecutive rides on the rumbling rollercoaster which had whipped their skirts, blown their hairstyles to smithereens and left them both with bright red cheeks and white knuckles.
‘That was such fun, Rubes,’ Gracie spluttered. ‘We’ve had some good times here together, haven’t we? I hope this isn’t going to be the last time we have fun, what with me getting married and you and Johnny being a real couple all bar the shouting …’
‘Of course it’s bloomin’ well not going to be the last time!’ Ruby said. ‘I tell you what, we should make a pact. Every year on this date we’ll have a day out together where we do stupid things and pretend we’re still silly single girls, even if we’re not. No husbands, no children, just us two.’
‘Oh yes, yes, yes! We’ll meet exactly here on the grass …’ Gracie looked at her wristwatch. ‘At noon, every single year from today, even if we do see each other every day between now and then. Agreed? We’ll call it our Silly Day, even when we’re sixty and decrepit. God willing, of course.’
‘Agreed. God willing,’ Ruby said as she held out her hand. Gracie took it and they marked the agreement with an exaggerated handshake. ‘Now, what next? Shall we walk the pier and have an ice cream before we go back? Big day coming up on Saturday and as the bride you need all the beauty sleep you can get.’ Ruby laughed and pulled a face.
‘As my chief bridesmaid, so do you … especially as we’re both getting on a bit now,’ Gracie said cheekily.
‘Speak for yourself, you’re nearly four years older than me!’
‘You don’t have to remind me; that’s why I was so keen to get that ring on my finger before I really was an old maid. I could see myself turning into Leonora before long.’
Savouring the warm summer sunshine, the two women walked slowly along the seafront from the Kursaal to the pier, talking all the way. They stopped at the boating lake and watched for a while but decided against taking a boat out.
‘Shall we walk down the pier or get the train?’ Ruby asked when they got there.
‘How about we walk to the end and then get the train back?’
‘Okay, chips on the pier and then we can get an ice cream and sit on the beach, it’s such a nice day.’ Gracie said. ‘This will probably be our last real gossip for ages.’
Despite the fact that Gracie would still be working for Ruby at the Thamesview she would no longer be sharing the flat and her life with her and, despite being her best friend, Ruby would no longer be her nearest and dearest. In a few days’ time Sean would take her place, and their lives would take separate paths as a result. Thinking about this, Gracie felt sadness and happiness combined.
‘Okay. Now we’ll go and sit on the sand, like we did that first day …’ Ruby laughed as they queued at a kiosk to buy their ice creams after they arrived back at the pier station. ‘I can tuck my skirt in my knickers and if we wait for the tide to go out we can go paddling in the mud.’
‘Oh yes.’ Gracie shrieked with laughter. ‘Remember that day when I slipped and we had to go back and face the disapproval of Aunt Leonora? I thought she was going to ban me from the hotel forever.’
‘She did grumble a lot, I know, but I think that deep down she was envious of us,’ Ruby said thoughtfully. ‘In her head she would have loved to be out and about being reckless and silly, but she just couldn’t do it. It was all there inside her but she just couldn’t relax enough to let it out. Sad really …’
‘Yeah – I reckon she grumbled because she felt she had to, but actually she bloody enjoyed all the adventures through us without having to loosen her stiff upper lip!’ Gracie smiled.
‘I really miss her,’ Ruby sighed and looked out at the water. ‘She was so good to me. She didn’t even know me but she took me in and let me live with her … I know I moaned about her sometimes but I loved her. I think she must have felt likewise or she wouldn’t have left me Thamesview.’
‘Of course she did, and she left you the hotel because you loved it as much as she did. It was her baby – she gave it to you because she knew you’d take care of it.’
‘Oh, that is such a nice thing to say, Gracie Grace …’
The two young women chatted nostalgically as they walked along, ice creams melting over their hands, looking for somewhere where there weren’t too many other people, where they could sit and reminisce. Eventually finding a spot which wasn’t crowded with day-trippers, they sat on the edge of a narrow strip of pebbly beach that was further away from the Golden Mile of arcades and slot machines.
Tucking their skirts tight under their bare legs, Gracie and Ruby sat down side by side and finished their ice creams in companionable silence, before leaning back and turning their faces to the sun.
After several minutes’ silence, there was a crunching on the pebbles behind them.
‘Excuse me, you two,’ a very correct female voice suddenly said behind them. ‘You don’t mind if we sit here, do you? It’s such a nice spot, away from the noise of all those screaming little kiddywinks further back that way.’
Gracie and Ruby had both been deep in thought, but they sat up quickly and looked round in unison. Two men and a woman were standing behind them, looking ready to settle themselves on the beach near to where they were sitting but politely waiting for a response. One of the men was holding a folded tartan rug over one arm and a cavernous wicker basket on the other and the other man was carrying the jackets they’d obviously taken off because of the sun. There was no doubt they were looking to stay for at least the duration of their picnic.
‘Of course not! It’s a public beach. And we’re leaving in a minute anyway,’ Gracie shrugged, without taking too much notice.
She was surprised at the question and also a bit irritated that other people were settling so close on the beach when there was room a little further away. She really wanted to chat with Ruby and enjoy their last outing together before everything changed; she just wanted a fun day with Ruby before her wedding.
‘Are you here on a day trip?’ the young woman asked as she took the rug from the man, before carefully laying it out just a few feet away from them. Trying to be subtle, Gracie glanced at her.
She was a petite but buxom blonde with a wide smile, classy clothes and a shrill, upper-class voice that carried along the beach. It was obvious she’d dressed for a day at the seaside but without considering the beach.
‘No, we live here,’ Gracie answered politely. ‘We were just having a sit in the sun before we walk home.’
‘How exciting it must be to live at the seaside. We live in the country so we’re just here for the day – we drove down from Saffron Walden this morning. Well, Edward drove. It’s the first time we’ve ever been to Southend and we want to see everything; we’ve already had a good old look around the Kursaal and along by the pier. It’s all such fun! Harry and I went on the lake in a boat …’ she paused and her hand flew up to her mouth.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, you must think we’re so rude.’ She walked round in front of them and held out her hand to both Ruby and Gracie in turn. ‘I’m Louisa, and this is Harry, my darling fiancé …’ she said as she pointed to the man on her left, ‘and this is Edward, his big brother. Harry and I are engaged, we’re getting married next month and Edward will be best man. He came all the way back from Africa especially. How exciting is that?’
‘Shhh, darling,’ the man introduced as Harry said, as he held his hand up in front of her and smiled affectionately. ‘Not everyone wants to know all about our forthcoming nuptials’.
‘I’m sorry, Harry, I’m so excited I want the whole world to know!’ Louisa joined her hands together as if in prayer and almost bowed as she gazed adoringly at her fiancé.
Gracie felt Ruby’s elbow in her ribs and heard her stifled snort but she didn’t react.
She wasn’t looking at Ruby, Louisa or Harry, nor was she listening to them. Instead Gracie had met the gaze of the man introduced as Edward, and she was completely transfixed.
She could feel herself starting to blush, but still she couldn’t look away from the man, who was looking into her eyes with an intensity she couldn’t decipher. There was the slightest hint of a smile around the edges of his mouth that inferred intimacy and Gracie was shocked; not only that he could look at her that way, but also that she didn’t turn away and break the eye contact. She couldn’t – she was hypnotised.
Ruby nudged her again, this time a little harder. ‘Gracie? Haven’t we got to get back? It’s getting late and there’s still a lot to do.’
Ruby’s words were loaded with meaning, but for once Gracie chose to ignore the ‘let’s get out of here’ signal, although she did force herself to look away from the man and break the connection.
‘It’s okay, we’ve got a while, let’s stay just a bit longer,’ she said, her eyes moving from Ruby back to Edward. ‘I’m Gracie by the way and this is my best friend, Ruby …’
‘Pleased to meet you, Gracie, and you, Ruby …’ the man said as his eyes flickered from one to the other before settling on Gracie.
‘Come on now, boys.’ Interrupting the conversation, the young woman clapped her hands sharply. ‘Let’s go and dip a toe in the briney, we didn’t come all this way not to at least get our feet wet. Chop, chop, shoes off, trousers rolled up! Let’s go and see if it’s as nice as it looks …’
Louisa slipped off her shoes and tip-toed barefoot over the stones, down to the edge of the water, where the receding tide was leaving straggling bits of wet seaweed behind on the damp sand. She was wearing yellow tailored knee-length shorts with a tightly fitted matching blouse and had a brightly coloured scarf tied artfully round her neck as a choker. She looked like a film star as she stood with one hand on her hip and the other carefully holding her hair back from her face. There was no denying the fact that she was a beautiful and privileged young woman.
Everyone on the beach turned and watched as she dipped a toe in the chilly water, screamed and then turned and waved madly. Harry was just a few paces behind her, standing on one leg and carefully rolling his trouser legs up to mid-calf, but Edward stayed exactly where he was. Right next to Gracie.
Both brothers were wearing similar beige slacks and white open-necked shirts and both had light brown floppy hairstyles but Edward’s hair was gently sun-lightened across the front and he sported a suntan that was deep and noticeably exotic. Next to him, his brother Harry looked pale and mousey.
‘Come on, Teddy, and you girls as well, this is such fun even if it is freezing! Why is it so cold when the sun is so warm?’ Louisa shouted with a faux shiver as she splashed daintily in the shallows.
Although Edward wasn’t moving, Gracie could see Ruby was tempted as always by the water. ‘Go on, you go and have a splash with them,’ she smiled, ‘I’ll just sit here and relax for a bit. Go on …’
Ruby put her head on one side and looked curiously at her friend for a few moments. ‘Are you feeling okay? I thought you might fancy a bit of a splash around today. It’s such a nice day, and it might be …’
‘No, I’m alright,’ Gracie interrupted quickly. ‘I’m happy to watch for the mo’. I’m comfortable sitting here but I might come down in a bit …’
As Ruby headed towards the water, Edward edged over from the comfort of the rug and sat beside Gracie on the pebble-splattered sand.
‘Let me introduce myself properly. I’m Edward Woodfield, but my close friends call me Teddy. As you know, Harry is my brother and Louisa is his fiancée, and we live in rural Essex. Very rural, out in the sticks Essex, heading up to Suffolk. Saffron Walden. You’ve probably not heard of it!’
‘I’m Gracie McCabe, Southend born and bred … Are you and Harry twins? You look very alike. I have twin sisters.’
‘Not twins, I’m the elder by one year exactly so I always tell everyone I’m the more important Woodfield brother – although I have to say that Harry is the loudest,’ he smiled. ‘Do you mind if I call you Gracie or do you prefer Gracie?’
‘Definitely Gracie, I don’t have the grace to be called Gracie and I get fed up with all the “there but for the grace of God” jokes, so please don’t say it.’ She laughed nervously at her often-told joke.
‘Not true, I think you’re full of grace, but I’ll call you Gracie if I have to. You know, this feels so strange, this isn’t something I expected when I set out from home this morning …’ Edward looked straight into her eyes.
‘What’s strange? There’s nothing strange about sitting on the beach on a nice day, I often do it. Me and Ruby love the beach.’ Not completely sure of his meaning, Gracie glanced away, hoping he wouldn’t notice her face reddening rapidly under his intimate gaze.
‘That isn’t what I mean and I think you know that. It’s strange, sitting here feeling as if I …’
Gracie didn’t say anything but looked at him again, still trying to work out where the conversation was going.
‘You know, I persuaded the others to come and sit over here, told them it was the best spot. I’ve been watching you ever since I saw you on the rollercoaster.’ He smiled as he stared at her. ‘I made them walk all the way to the pier and back with me; I even dragged them onto the pier … that took some persuading, I’m telling you! Luckily the picnic basket was still in the car. Phew …’
‘You were following us? Why would you do that?’ Gracie asked.
‘Because you caught my eye when the rollercoaster came around and I could see you laughing. Then, when I saw you and your friend falling about on the grass afterwards having such fun, I knew straight away that you were exactly the girl I wanted to marry.’
SIX (#ulink_1007c491-b06c-55ca-b9e3-31f64c765402)
Gracie stared open-mouthed at the man sitting beside her on the beach; the stranger she had met not fifteen minutes before. Unsure how to react she shook her head and started to laugh nervously.
‘Oh for God’s sake, what a load of old waffle! How daft do you think I am? Flattery won’t get you nowhere with me. I’m not that kind of girl.’
‘It’s not waffle and I never thought anything other than how beautiful you were. That was what I thought when I saw you, though maybe marry was a declaration too soon.’ Edward pulled a face and paused before looking away in the direction of the sea.
‘Harry would say that was typical of me, not thinking before opening my mouth. He says my social skills need honing, but that was what I felt. I still feel it, sitting here beside you.’
He moved a fraction sideways, until he was so close to Gracie their knees were touching. She knew she should move away but she couldn’t. As the contact remained, so something made her instinctively place her left hand, along with the engagement ring Sean had given her, out of sight under her thigh.
As she did so a wave of guilt hit her. She should be sending the charming stranger on his way, she should be telling him that she didn’t talk to strange men, that she was getting married in just three days’ time. She should be saying to him that her wedding was all booked for Saturday, and that she loved her fiancé. She knew she should tell him all of that, and then stand up and walk away.
But she didn’t.
Instead Gracie remained there, silent and still, and strangely aware of the scent of his cologne, despite knowing full well that she shouldn’t be having feelings like this for anyone, let alone a total stranger.
But despite Edward Woodfield being a stranger, Gracie felt as if she already knew him – because he was exactly how she had always imagined her fantasy man would be. The stranger on the beach was actually the very familiar man of her dreams. He was the right one whom Gracie had always known she would recognise.
Edward was tall and lithe, with long legs and broad shoulders; his features were even, with a charming smile and expressive deep blue eyes that Gracie knew were fixed on her face. But there was a shyness about him that was endearing, and somehow she knew instinctively that he wasn’t just a run-of-the-mill Lothario trying to get off with a local girl at the seaside.
She was momentarily dumbstruck. Old flannel she could easily deal with but open sincerity and genuine declarations were something different.
In the background she could hear Ruby calling her from the water’s edge but her voice seemed far, far away. Gracie focused on her feet, wiggling her toes in her sandals and shaking a few stray grains of sand from between them. Something strange was happening to her and though she wanted to get up and run away from the obvious danger in front of her, she couldn’t.
Even though the touch was so light it was barely there, Edward Woodfield’s leg burned into hers, and she was aware of his fresh breath that was far too close to the side of her face. She carried on looking down and didn’t meet his gaze, but nonetheless she was completely thrown by both the situation and the palpitations that were getting faster by the moment.
And then he moved an inch away from her. He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back with his hands under his head.
‘So, what do you do for a living that has you resident at the seaside, you lucky thing?’ he asked, gently easing the tension of the moment.
‘I’ve always lived here. I was born here – I’m a Southender who’s never lived anywhere else …’ she paused. ‘But you’re not really interested in my life story, are you? It’s pretty boring.’
‘I am and I’m listening. I want to know all about you and then I’ll tell you all about me,’ he smiled.
‘There’s not enough time for all that stuff. Ruby will be back in a minute and then we have to go. I have a lot to do in the next few days …’ she paused. Gracie knew she should tell him about her forthcoming marriage, but instead she hesitated just long enough for him to interrupt.
‘It’s not important; we don’t need to know everything about each other immediately.’
As he smiled, so Gracie unintentionally found herself telling him an outline of her life story. It was a sanitised version, but he proved to be a good listener.
‘And you? What do you do?’ Gracie asked, turning it round to him.
‘I’m an engineer. I work abroad, mostly in Africa, but I’m back home on leave for Harry’s wedding. They’re driving me completely bananas with all the planning and organising; it’s going to be very formal, which is not my sort of thing, but it’s what they want. Or rather, what Louisa wants – and usually whatever Louisa wants, so does poor besotted Harry.’
‘I thought you looked too healthy and suntanned for England,’ Gracie said, carefully avoiding the subject of weddings.
‘Hardly healthy,’ he chuckled. ‘Not that long ago I was burnt to a cinder after a day at the beach and this is the outcome after the top three layers peeled. Luckily I have skin that tans. Gracie, can we meet again? Just the two of us. I can drive down here anytime. I’m in the UK for several more weeks until the wedding. I want to get to know you and for you to know me …’
‘I can’t do that, I really can’t. You see, it’s, it’s …’ Gracie stuttered, unable to get the words out.
‘Of course you can,’ he interrupted with a smile. ‘I’m not going to give up. I want to get to know you, and I want to marry you and whisk you off to Africa with me.’
‘Don’t talk to me like that,’ she snapped. ‘You’re taking the mickey out of me now. I told you, I’m not some stupid little fairground girl who’ll fall for your flannel and flattery and let you have your way, I’m not …’
‘I’m not taking the mickey and I’ve got no other motive. I mean it, I want to get to know you. Please, Gracie? I really mean it and I’ve never done this sort of thing before. Harry would have a pink fit if he knew I was declaring love at first sight to you. It’s just not me.’
He sounded so sincere that Gracie was immediately thrown; she wanted to believe him and to try and understand exactly what was passing between them but she didn’t know what to say and before she had time to think of a response Ruby appeared out of nowhere and stood in front of them. She looked from one to the other, glanced down in the direction of Gracie’s hidden left hand and shook her head.
‘Wow!’ she said with meaning.
‘Wow what?’ Gracie looked up and forced a smile.
‘Just, wow,’ Ruby said with a knowing shake of her head. ‘Shouldn’t we be going back home now? You know, things to do and … well, things to do and guests to prepare for!’
Ruby’s subtle reminder brought Gracie straight back to her senses and, shocked at herself, she jumped up and quickly stepped away from where Edward was sitting. He carefully moved back onto the blanket that Louisa had laid out and made a big show of brushing sand off his trousers, then a few moments later Harry and Louisa were back with them.
‘Picnic time! I’m famished, let’s get the grub set up …’ Louisa said loudly, oblivious to the odd atmosphere on the beach.
Gracie and Ruby both watched as Louisa knelt down and started unpacking the cavernous basket, pulling out two plates of sandwiches, a full-size gala pie, a box of biscuits, a selection of fruit and a large home-baked fruit cake. Drinks followed, along with assorted relishes, a cruet set and a full range of crockery, cutlery and glasses which had been strapped into the sides and lid.
‘Well, that looks really wonderful. I can’t believe you brought all that to the beach …’ Ruby said as she and Gracie watched the ceremonial unpacking in fascination.
‘Join us,’ Edward said. ‘There’s plenty. Our mother still thinks we need feeding up. I think she emptied the refrigerator straight into the basket rather than divide it up.’
‘That’s right,’ Louisa said. ‘Seems she’s given us enough here to feed the forty thousand. If you don’t join us we’ll have to share it with some passing children and those squawking seagulls, I think.’
As she laughed loudly so Harry, her fiancé, joined in appreciatively but Edward merely smiled politely. His eyes, screwed up against the sun, were surreptitiously back on Gracie.
‘I’m sorry, as I said it looks wonderful but we can’t stay,’ Ruby said, taking held of Gracie’s elbow and gently squeezing it. ‘It was lovely to meet you all but we really do have to get back. Work to do …’
‘We do have lots to do but I think we can stay for a bit longer …’ Gracie looked pleadingly at her friend. ‘That spread looks wonderful.’
Ruby looked at her closely for several seconds. ‘Okay, but only if you come for a splash around while the tide’s still up. Come and cool off with me.’
As soon as they were out of earshot, Ruby looked at her friend. ‘What are you playing at – you and that Edward? I saw the way you were looking at each other. Gracie, you were flirting like you’re single!’ Ruby hissed.
‘I’m not playing at anything. Rubes, he said he wants to marry me. He followed us from the Kursaal, he sat there on purpose …’ Gracie said quietly.
Ruby started to laugh but when she saw Gracie’s expression she stopped.
‘Oh for heaven’s sake, that is just stupid. How could he say something like that after five minutes? He must have a screw loose.’
Gracie swished the water around with her feet. ‘Maybe both of us have. There’s something there; he said he felt it and I know I did. It hit me the moment I saw him. I’ve never felt anything like this before. He’s the right one, I know it. Do you believe in love at first sight?’
‘I don’t know – but I do know you’re marrying Sean this Saturday coming, three days’ time.’ Ruby paused. ‘You are going ahead with it, aren’t you? I saw you hiding your ring.’
‘Of course I am but …’ Gracie fiddled with her engagement ring.
‘Gracie, don’t do this. Let’s just go. As soon as we’re back at the hotel it’ll be as if we never met any of them, as if this never happened.’ Ruby grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. ‘I’m telling you, no good can come out of this, let’s make our excuses and leave.’
‘Let’s just stay for an hour or so. That’s all, then we’ll go home and get ready for the wedding. The hotel is empty and there’s not that much to do. I’ll do everything I have to, promise …’ Gracie pleaded. ‘Please? I just need a bit more time. I’m not going to do anything silly, I just want to get to know him a little bit.’
‘You’re playing with fire, Gracie and you’ll regret it if you take it any further, I’m telling you, but it’s your choice. I’m not your mother or Aunt Leonora,’ Ruby said.
‘I think that the real Aunt Leonora will be up there cheering me on, even if it is through pursed lips. She never found the right one, even fleetingly,’ Gracie replied with a smile.
After their few minutes splashing around, Ruby and Gracie walked back up to where Louisa, Edward and Harry were and sat down, just off the picnic rug. Ruby sat next to Louisa and Gracie sat beside her, with Edward at the far end of the semi-circle, in her direct line of vision.
Aware that there were a lot of eyes in the group, Gracie mostly looked at the ground but she didn’t have to look up to know that Edward’s eyes were on her. She could feel them and the pull scared her.
There was no doubt that Louisa was absolutely in charge of the group; she played host with the picnic and also did most of the talking but Gracie didn’t want to join in, her appetite having been replaced by a gnawing combination of nausea and guilt. Her usual common sense had taken flight and she was away in another place … with the man called Edward, whom she had only just met.
Gracie was in a state of confusion. Her forthcoming wedding to Sean had taken up every moment of her day for months and she had been on countdown ever since they had agreed the date. She desperately wanted to be married and have a family of her own, to leave her past behind. But now that it was about to happen, she had been confronted with Edward Woodfield, who on the surface was her dream man. Suddenly Gracie wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore.
‘Who wants an ice cream?’ Edward asked after they’d all finished.
‘I do,’ Louisa put her hand up, ‘but you chaps go and get them while we clear up.’
‘I don’t want to go traipsing round looking for ice cream,’ Harry said grumpily. ‘I seriously need a nap after all that food. There are some empty deckchairs up there; I’m going to get them for us.’
‘You get the chairs and I’ll go and get the ice creams,’ Edward said quickly, ‘but Gracie or Ruby will have to come with me as they know where to go, and I don’t have enough hands for five cornets …’
Ruby rolled her eyes and looked upwards. ‘You go and get the ice creams with him, Gracie. I’ll help clear up …’ she paused for several seconds, ‘but don’t get lost, we’ve got a long shift when we get back’.
Gracie feigned reluctance, but eventually stood up and walked away along the promenade with Edward.
She knew absolutely that she shouldn’t be doing it, that she could be opening a door that should, because of Sean, remain firmly shut but she couldn’t help herself. She felt as if she had suddenly lost all self-control.
Gracie simply wanted to spend some time with Edward Woodfield, the man she had instantly recognised as the right one.
The right one at the wrong time.
SEVEN (#ulink_c835e893-c71e-53da-bfb7-0f04882fc38f)
‘Well? How do I look?’ Gracie asked nervously, as Ruby stepped back after pulling up the zip on her wedding dress. ‘Is it okay? I feel a bit like the fairy on the Christmas tree. I just don’t look like me, do I?’
As Gracie spoke she twirled round on the spot in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom, making her skirt rise and fall. Her freshly lightened hair was curled and carefully pinned up under her shoulder-length veil making her neck look long and graceful, her minimal make-up was carefully applied, and her stiff new satin shoes were on her feet.
As Gracie stared at herself in the mirror she found it hard to believe that she was the bride and that it was actually her wedding day. She had spent so many years seeing a plain kid in the mirror that it was hard to accept that everything had changed for her.
It was the day she had dreamed of, especially after the trauma of being abandoned by the man who was the father of her illegitimate baby, the baby she had been forced to give up.
Archie Cooper had declared his undying love, charmed her, said he wanted to marry her, bedded her and then disappeared without trace, leaving a fearful and disillusioned Gracie to face the consequences alone, with her dreams in tatters.
But that was all in the past, everything was in the past; she now had Sean Donnelly, a nice young man who loved her and wanted to marry her. Her wedding day had finally arrived.
‘Oh bloody hell, Gracie Grace! You look lovely – all grown up and sophisticated. You look just like a model bride in Woman’s Own or even a movie star! You’re so beautiful.’
‘Beautiful is pushing it, Rubes …’ Gracie laughed.
Ruby clutched her hands to her mouth and looked ready to cry as her friend stopped moving and stood with her arms held out, like a ballerina. The wedding dress was mid-calf length with a fitted silk bodice that was darted and shaped to make the most of Gracie’s figure; it had a full skirt carefully crafted from silk and lace, with a net underskirt to make it stand out and a neckline that was scooped and edged with white satin, as were the fashionable elbow-length sleeves. Her short white lace gloves were the finishing touch to the bride’s ensemble.
All the dresses, Gracie’s and both bridesmaids’ had been home-made by Babs Wheaton, Ruby’s wartime foster mother who was a skilled home dressmaker, as a wedding gift. Gracie was beyond grateful because she could never have afforded something so classy herself.
Ruby’s bridesmaid’s outfit was the same design as Gracie’s but was pale pink satin without the lace or the net underskirts so it hung straight down and fluttered around her calves; Maggie’s was almost the same, but hers was full-length and in a design more suited to a child. Each dress had been carefully made with each person in mind and they all complemented each other.
Gracie turned every which way in front of the mirror as she tried hard to recognise herself. No matter how many years had passed, inside she still felt like the plain child with spots and greasy hair who was never really part of anything, either in school or out. The child who was always called names and excluded from playtime games. Now she was looking at a beautiful young woman who didn’t look in the least bit like the Gracie McCabe she knew.
‘I know I should feel a bit of a hypocrite walking down the aisle in white, what with everything that’s gone on but what could I do? Sean’s family expect it, the virgin bride and all that.’ Gracie frowned as she continued to twist and turn, and study herself from top to toe. ‘I wonder why it’s still the way? My mother is horrified I’m going to wed in church in white but then she’d have died of shame if I turned up in cream. It’s so old-fashioned!’ Gracie pulled a silly face.
‘It’s tradition, I suppose, and the way their generation sees things,’ Ruby said.
‘I suppose. And talking of tradition, where’s my miniature bridesmaid?’ Gracie looked around. ‘Where’s Maggie gone?’
‘She’s already downstairs with Aunty Babs and your dad. She was jumping around like a flea on a flannel with excitement.’ Ruby smiled. ‘She looks so pretty and I’m so proud of her. Sometimes when I see her it’s hard minding my words. Johnnie says the same; she’s our daughter but not a soul except us knows. But she’s having the best upbringing with George and Babs so we just have to be grateful and wait until Maggie is old enough to be told the truth. I hope she understands. We were so young, we had no choice.’
‘You were brave enough to make the right choice, Rubes, you didn’t know Johnnie was going to come back into your life, and Babs and George are fantastic parents to her.’
‘It still hurts, though’, Ruby said. ‘But enough of that, today is about being happy, it’s about you being happy and having a wonderful wedding day’.
She walked over to the open French window and looked out.
‘Well, Gracie Grace, this is it. It’s just you and me up here now. The guests should all be at the church by now and our cars are already outside, all polished and decked out in ribbons and just waiting for us all. Come and look, and it’s such a sunny day …’
As she spoke Ruby went out onto the balcony. Gracie joined her and they both looked down at the cars below.
‘Looks like it’s time to go to the church then, before I get my dress all mucky – you know what I’m like,’ Gracie laughed. ‘A bit of rust from the railings would show up a treat on this dress …’
Ruby didn’t laugh and she didn’t look around, but stayed where she was, looking out towards the horizon.
‘You know it’s not too late to change your mind, really it’s not …’ she said cautiously, without looking at her friend. Her expression was serious for the first time that day. ‘I know you said you don’t want to talk about it again but I have to say this: please, please, please don’t do the wrong thing, just because it’s suddenly the day. You know what they say: marry in haste, repent at leisure. If Sean’s not the one then you’re making a mistake.’
‘Oh of course it’s too bloody late to change my mind, it’s far too late! Can you imagine if I jilted Sean at the altar? I’d have to leave the country straight away! The wedding is planned, and the honeymoon and the flat is ready and waiting, how could I back out of all that?’ Gracie said, shaking her head slowly. ‘And anyway, I don’t want to. This is what I want – a husband, a home, a baby – and I know I’ll get all that with Sean …’
‘It doesn’t have to be with him though, does it? I mean, if it’s someone else you want, if someone else is the right one then is that fair on Sean?’ Ruby persisted.
Gracie shrugged. As far as she was concerned she had made the decision to marry Sean long ago and she was going to stick with it. She had to.
She may have thought Edward Woodfield was the man of her dreams but she was well aware that she didn’t actually know him, not in the way she knew Sean. And even without knowing him, Gracie could see that they were from such different backgrounds and class that even if anything were to happen between them, there was no chance his family would ever agree to them marrying.
It just couldn’t happen and it wouldn’t work, not the way it did with Sean.
‘Oh, Ruby,’ Gracie sighed. ‘I’ve not made the decision in haste, I’ve thought of nothing else. But I’ve known Sean for years, he’s a good man and I’m sure I’m doing the right thing for both of us. We’re the same kind of people: we’re both ordinary and we match. I had a bit of panic the other day, imagining something different but I’m over it now. It was so stupid. I was getting ideas above my station, as my mother would say.’
The two women smiled and waved down to the group of neighbours who were gathering on the pavement outside the hotel, all there to see the bride off. Lots of people that they knew so well, even the small staff from the hotel were out there, waiting.
‘Don’t go putting yourself down, Gracie. No one is better than you and there’s no man too good for you, not even the one whose name you told me not to say!’
Gracie and Ruby moved back from the railings and faced each other.
‘Nice of you to say it, Rubes, but that one was definitely way out of my league. A country house and a London flat and living most of the time in Africa? Can you just imagine me out in Africa? None of that is me, is it? I’m just a local girl who’s been nowhere and done nothing. I couldn’t even keep up with him in a proper conversation.’ She smiled and shook her head. ‘So, let’s go and get on with my wedding day. It’s been long enough coming! Everyone thought I was going to be an old maid.’
‘Oh Gracie, this is just so final. Are you really sure you’re doing the right thing? You can still change your mind …’ Ruby said hesitantly.
‘I’m sure. It was my very own Brief Encounter, like in the film. it was me being daft and getting carried away as usual, but now I’m back where I should be.’ Gracie grinned. ‘You know what a nutcase I can be. Well, this time I’m being sensible: I’m going to marry Sean’.
‘Okay,’ Ruby said with a break in her voice. ‘I suppose if that’s what you really want then it’s time to get down those stairs and off to the church.’
They made their way down to the ground floor, where Gracie’s father was waiting with Babs and George Wheaton and a very excited young Maggie.
‘Can we go now? Pleeease, I want to do what a bridesmaid does …’ the child asked, jumping from foot to foot with excitement. At eight years old, she was tall for her age and confident beyond her years.
‘Yes, we’re going in two minutes. I’m just going to get the flowers and then it’s off to the church,’ Ruby said, looking wistfully at the little girl. ‘You look so beautiful, Maggie. Absolutely beautiful!’
When she came back she handed Gracie her bouquet, gave Maggie her posy and held her own in front of her.
‘Right, Miss Impatient, to the cars …’ she said.
Gracie watched her friend smile at the child, while at the same time blinking to hold back the tears that were building. She knew it wasn’t because of the wedding but because of Maggie, the daughter Ruby could not acknowledge.
The daughter who had been born at the same time as Gracie’s own baby, eight years ago.
With her emotions heightened anyway by the stress of her wedding day, it made Gracie tearful to think of her own baby, the beautiful little boy whom she knew nothing about. But she was determined not to let anything spoil the day so she looked at her father, who was standing slightly away from the group, and forced a smile. ‘Come on, Dad, let’s get to the church. I don’t want to be late.’
Her father smiled and patted her hand. ‘You look beautiful, my little Gracie, I hope you’ll both be as happy as me and your mother, and remember, it’s not all going to be easy, marriage is give and take …’
Gracie wanted to say ‘you give and she takes,’ but she just smiled at him.
The Wheatons and the bridesmaids went ahead to the hotel car which was parked outside, in front of the bridal car. Ruby and Maggie got into the back seat as George Wheaton skilfully moved himself from his wheelchair into the passenger side, leaving his wife to fold the chair and put it in the back, before getting into the driver’s seat.
Everyone waved excitedly as they drove off, leaving just Gracie and her father on the steps, waiting for the right moment. Then, with her arm in his, they walked down to the waiting car where Dr Wheaton’s new driver stood beside the open door, waiting to help them in. As Gracie gathered up her skirt to avoid it creasing or getting caught in the door so a ripple of applause rang out from the people lining the pavement, making her blush. She paused, glanced around and self-consciously waved back.
Then someone caught her eye.
Over the top of their heads she thought for a moment she had seen him standing behind the small group on the nearby corner looking in her direction, but when she looked again, whoever it was had moved.
For a few moments her chest palpitated so much she feared that the fitted bodice on her dress would burst open. Surely he wouldn’t do that? Surely he wouldn’t come here? She asked herself in panic as she looked around again scanning every face, but there was no sign. She wondered fleetingly if Edward Woodfield had come to persuade her to go with him, to jilt Sean at the altar and run away with him to Africa. So many different thoughts flashed through her mind at that moment that she had to shake her head to rid herself of them. She looked all around her once more, just in case, and then climbed into the car to go to the church to marry Sean Donnelly.
Just fifteen minutes later, with the guests all seated and the priest at the altar, Gracie was standing in the cool of the church porch, waiting for the organist to begin playing and give her the cue to start walking. She gripped her father’s arm tight and glanced round at Ruby, who winked reassuringly.
‘Here we go, time to start walking …’ her chief bridesmaid said, as the first notes of ‘Here Comes The Bride’ echoed throughout the church.
Ruby and Maggie followed as Gracie walked down the aisle on her father’s arm. She looked straight ahead and walked confidently but when she got closer and saw Sean standing at the altar with his back to her the enormity of what she was about to do hit her and she was suddenly terrified.
As she looked at the friends and family standing either side of the aisle waiting for her to reach the altar and for the ceremony to begin, it hit her that there really was no going back. This was the moment when her life would change forever. Her chest started pounding again and her feet felt like lead weights in her dainty wedding shoes.
She thought about the signet ring nestling in her jewellery box and felt sick. She had left it too late.
Doubts and uncertainties swelled inside her and she wanted to turn around and run straight out of the church but she didn’t, instead she took the last few steps until she reached Sean’s side. She turned and handed her bouquet to Ruby, who was one step behind her. As her father stepped back, Sean turned to look at her. He smiled widely and whispered, ‘Oh my lord, but you look so beautiful, Gracie …’
Gracie blinked hard and met his gaze. She was there to marry Sean in front of their friends and families and she was sure that was the right thing to do so she forced her doubts away and smiled back. Sean Donnelly knew her and loved her, and that was the most important thing in the world to her at that moment.
Edward Woodfield was a stranger and a nice fantasy man to daydream about in her dotage but Sean Donnelly was the reality, she knew.
EIGHT (#ulink_20fba36b-28ec-5862-a0fd-edc20c2ed42c)
After the bridal car had pulled away from the hotel and driven off in the direction of the church, Edward Woodfield stepped out from the shadows of the nearby doorway. With his head down, he walked briskly in the opposite direction to the spot around the corner where he had parked his own car.
He had wanted to see Gracie, to let her know he was there and to see her reaction but when she had glanced in his direction and almost spotted him, he had instinctively jumped out the way and moved out of sight.
Common sense and his innate good manners told him that what he was doing was disrespectful to both her and her fiancé and, despite his feelings, he had no right to disrupt her wedding day. She had told him three days before, after they had kissed behind the ice cream stand, that she was to be married. He had tried to dissuade her then and there but she had been adamant.
When they had said a very formal goodbye on the beach in front of the others Edward had surreptitiously slipped the gold signet ring from his little finger and pressed it into her hand, wrapped in a piece of paper, when the others weren’t looking.
‘My phone number in Saffron Walden. Think about it Gracie, please. Just think about it and ring me at this number.’
‘I already have thought about it. I’m sorry,’ she whispered as, with no choice but to take it, she slipped it in the side pocket of her skirt.
They all said formal goodbyes to each other and went their separate ways. He had watched Gracie as she walked away and seen her look back just once. She had glanced over her shoulder and smiled at him, then turned back and walked away with Ruby.
He had watched her go and then sat down with Harry and Louisa, and tried to act as if nothing had happened.
‘Nice girls …’ Louisa said. ‘Both of them. Can you imagine being responsible for a hotel at that age? They must work really hard.’
‘I wasn’t sure about them,’ Harry said. ‘The taller one was wearing an engagement ring, I noticed, nothing like as nice as Louisa’s so I doubt they’ve got much money.’
‘Heavens darling, you’re observant! I didn’t notice a ring but I did think she was flirting with Teddy; that was a bit naughty if she’s engaged.’ Louisa paused and looked at Edward. ‘She looked as if she’s really taken a shine to you, what do you think?’
Harry laughed and answered instead. ‘I thought they were nice enough but somewhat common. Can you imagine staying in a hotel run by those two?’
‘It’s a hotel for widows and spinsters, you idiot,’ Edward snapped. ‘And at least they work for a living. You should try it sometime; you’ve done nothing apart from play at soldiers …’
Harry and Louisa both stared at him, but before they could say anything Edward started piling stuff into the picnic basket.
‘It’s time we headed back. I’ve had enough of the seaside.’
‘What’s got into you, Teddy?’ Louisa asked as she studied his face, carefully looking for a clue.
‘I just want to get back. It’s a long drive …’ He took a deep breath and forced a smile. ‘Sorry I snapped at you both. Just ignore me, the sea air has worn me out.’
Harry still looked hurt but Louisa simply stared at him knowingly.
‘You’re right, Teddy darling. It’s time to get away from here.’
Earlier that morning on the day of Gracie’s wedding and after a long sleepless night, he’d jumped into his car on the spur of the moment and driven at top speed from Saffron Walden in North Essex all the way down to Southend on the coast. Edward hadn’t given his action a great deal of thought so he didn’t really know what he was intending to do, but something inside was making him want to see what would happen.
Logically he knew there was little chance of Gracie McCabe, the girl he had met and fallen in love with, not going through with her wedding, but he still had the urge to be there and to see for certain. He just hoped it would help him deal with his irrational feelings for the young woman he barely knew.
From the moment he could walk and talk Edward had been the sensible one in the Woodfield-Barnes family. He was far more mature than his brother, who was almost the same age and, in many ways, he was more mature than either of his parents, who were both unworldly, wealthy eccentrics, wrapped up in their own little bubble of extravagant and luxurious living.
His father was a passable artist who, although he sold the odd piece of work, had an elaborate studio full of unsold canvases and his mother always described herself as an author but she had only ever sat down in front of a typewriter when she was bored and had never even finished a manuscript, let alone had anything published.
Neither of them had made any money out of any of their various ventures over the years, but they had no need to, as they lived very comfortably courtesy of a vast inheritance of estate and income from the Barnes side of the family. They divided their time between their classic country house in Saffron Walden and their art deco apartment in central London, flitting happily between the differing lifestyle of town and country, interspersed with trips to the South of France when they were bored. It was a very privileged lifestyle that they enjoyed to the full.
Edward senior and his wife Elspeth were perfectly suited to each other. They were both dreamers and they lived life with their heads in the clouds, floating happily above the nitty gritty of everyday life. They were a pleasant and popular couple who loved each other and who also loved their two sons, albeit in a rather detached way, keeping them in the periphery of their lives. When they were younger, a series of nannies and boarding schools had provided the majority of Edward and Harry’s care and then, when they were grown, the relationship had become more like one between siblings than parents and their offspring.
Their younger son Harry took after his father. He was equally airy with no real aspirations of his own, other than to be married to the seemingly vacuous but very beautiful Louisa, the daughter of a diplomat, who he had met during his enforced spell in the army. Edward sometimes wondered if she was only with Harry because of his potential inheritance, but he never said anything because they were as happy as two children in the playground.
Somehow Edward junior had missed out on the happy-go-lucky family gene and was, to his parents’ dismay, eminently sensible and down-to-earth.
Almost from birth Edward had been the serious one in the family, a bit of a loner who was happy in his own company. Growing up he was quiet and hard-working and had always liked nothing better than to shut himself away in the study with a pile of books and some complex problems to solve.
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Marie Maxwell
A gripping saga, richly evocative of the period, featuring the gutsy and determined Gracie, determined to start again…Can you ever escape your past?Gracie McCabe is building a new life for herself in the Essex seaside town of Southend working alongside best friend Ruby; she’s put her past to rest and is planning her future.All that is missing is a family of her own, Gracie desperately wants a baby so when boyfriend Sean proposes she accepts without hesitation.But a chance meeting before the wedding gives her doubts and when old secrets come back to haunt her, it seems that Sean is not the rock of strength she expected him to be.Will Gracie find her happy ever after or will she be betrayed and abandoned once again?The hard-hitting and heartbreaking new novel from the author who bought you Ruby. Perfect for fans of Katie Flynn and Dilly Court.
GRACIE
Marie Maxwell
To You, the Readers
I have so many supportive and loyal readers both of Marie Maxwell and Bernadine Kennedy and I continue to appreciate every one; I still get a thrill when someone contacts me about a book!
I remember the first ‘fan letter’ I received after my first book was published in 2000; it was hand written on a ‘thank you’ card and forwarded to me from my publisher.
It was so exciting to realize that not only had someone actually read the book, they had also taken the time to write to me about it; reader feedback is so important and I do take note of all the comments.
Nowadays feedback comes through my own website, Amazon and other assorted reader writer websites, but I’m still amazed that readers take the trouble to contact me.
So thank you for supporting me over the years, I hope you enjoy Gracie as much as Ruby. Next will be the story of Maggie who may just turn out to be a bit of a Swinging Sixties rebel!
Bernadine Kennedy
www.bernadinekennedy.com
Table of Contents
Title Page (#ud4c95ec3-3af7-59a9-9b26-146581f5a958)
Dedication (#u1e38ad3e-9773-5593-b763-b749f0e74ab4)
Prologue (#u869f4076-570f-5adb-9382-11e4d2228594)
Chapter One (#ud618fb3e-7e34-52e3-b0c2-913f8aba582f)
Chapter Two (#u92b332ba-755b-5b87-b06a-29210528b6db)
Chapter Three (#u34544379-8342-50cf-bd0a-fd3a744ed8c8)
Chapter Four (#u6737fd21-c626-5fc3-aaed-176634206d9b)
Chapter Five (#ud72039c7-86f8-514f-8430-06a5393892ed)
Chapter Six (#ubf15de79-7811-51e9-b0ea-4e09e6d407c8)
Chapter Seven (#uc6cb57dc-2adc-5602-9fd0-44a50cf6ea71)
Chapter Eight (#ua2920d4e-9d13-5f53-bdb3-704d99c13183)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twenty-Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-One (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Two (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Three (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirty-Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Read on for an extract from Marie Maxwell’s first novel, Ruby. (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
By the Same Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
PROLOGUE (#ulink_b9c9fe79-03c9-593d-80f5-45d272386601)
‘Hello little one …’ the young woman said quietly as she stared at the baby she was meeting for the first time. ‘I’m your mummy …’
Reaching out her hand, she touched her fingers on the clear wall of the incubator, willing the tiny person inside to know she was there with her and fighting for her. As she spoke the words, she could feel her heart beating so hard inside her chest she thought it might explode with the toxic mixture of love and fear that was racing through her whole body.
‘Touch and go’ was what they had said when they’d grouped around her bed to talk about the health of the child. ‘Touch and go’ – because they simply couldn’t say if the child was going to live or die.
She ran her hands back and forth across the machine that was imprisoning the premature baby in order to save her life and tried not to cry again. It had been nearly forty-eight hours since she had given birth and apart from the fact that her baby was alive she knew nothing, except that it was ‘touch and go.’ Forty-eight long hours, enduring mental anguish and physical pain, before she’d been allowed to make the short journey from the maternity ward to the premature baby unit to see her daughter for the first time.
‘Can I touch her?’ She asked the nurse who was standing behind her with her hands on the wheelchair that was a condition of her visit.
‘I’m sorry my dear but you can’t, not yet.’
‘What do you think? She looks so small …’
‘She is small, but I’ve seen far smaller, that’s for sure. We just have to wait. She’s still with us at the moment and where there’s life, there’s hope.’
The woman continued to stare at the incubator, taking in every detail of her daughter. She was perfect from head to toe and she was certain she was alert and aware, unlike how she had imagined she would be when they had given her the news of her condition.
The tiny baby moved her head and her eyelids flickered.
‘She’s looking at me, I can see her eyes …’ her mother said, her hope rising.
‘I’m sure she is, she senses you’re here,’ the nurse said as she moved around the wheelchair and then turned it slightly. Her expression was serious as she looked down at her patient.
‘Now, I have to talk to you. I don’t want you to get upset again but we think it would be a good idea for her to be baptised. Just in case. Your priest came to visit while you were still groggy from the operation so you may not remember the conversation …’
‘Baptised?’
‘Yes, as I said, just in case. He’ll baptise her as soon as you say the word; I can ring him for you. Have you chosen a name yet?’
‘Yes, but …’
As she tried to interpret the meaning behind the words, the nurse jumped forward and looked closely at the baby in the incubator. The little girl’s chest was heaving up and down as she struggled for breath.
‘I don’t like the look of this, something’s wrong. I’m going to get the doctor …’
With those words, the young nurse was away out of the door.
All that the woman could do was stare at her tiny child in the incubator and pray.
Please don’t let my baby die.
Please don’t take another one away from me …
ONE (#ulink_c6837ce0-a38a-5b35-bada-4b941662e4d2)
New Years’ Eve 1953/1954
The young couple in the middle of the crowded dancefloor clapped and shouted excitedly along with everyone else, as the countdown to New Year was dramatically broadcast across the room by the band leader.
‘… Five, four, three, two, one …’ he bellowed into the microphone and then, as the chimes rang out across the ballroom a loud roar went up, and streamers were thrown out over the heads of the revellers, who all quickly formed into circles, linked hands and started singing ‘Auld Lang Syne’.
At the height of the excitement, the young man leaned over and spoke to the woman beside him.
‘I can’t hear you …’ she mouthed back before cupping her ear at him. ‘It’s so noisy.’
‘I said, will you marry me?’ he shouted at the top of his voice.
Gracie McCabe stopped still and stared at her boyfriend. ‘Pardon?’
Across the ballroom all the hands dropped as the music stopped and the singing slowly faded away. Some couples fell into each other’s arms and kissed, while others stood awkwardly, not sure what to do at that very special moment.
‘Last chance, McCabe. Will you marry me?’ Sean Donnelly repeated as loud as he could, this time with his arms spread wide and a big smile on his face.
‘Oh flipping hell, Sean, I don’t know what to say!’ Gracie McCabe laughed and put her hand up to her mouth.
‘Last chance …’
‘I suppose I might just marry you Sean Donnelly, but you have to do it properly; propose I mean, so as I know you really mean it, that it’s not just the beer talking. You’ve had more than a few tonight!’ she pulled a face and giggled. ‘Mind you I’m not one to talk, I’ve gone a bit overboard on the port and lemon meself.’
Laughing, he grabbed her hand and pulled her through the mass of people, over to the side of the dancefloor where it was less crowded. Turning to face her, Sean went down on one knee and took a red leather ring box out of his jacket pocket. He flipped the lid and held it out to her.
‘Gracie McCabe … for the very last time, will you marry me?’
Caught up in the excitement of the moment, Gracie jumped up and down on the spot. ‘Yes, yes, of course I will, yes …’
He took a delicate diamond ring from the box and slipped it onto her finger.
‘Do you like it?’ he asked.
Gracie held her left hand up in the air and waved it around. ‘Oh Sean, it’s beautiful and it fits just perfect …’
Beaming, she spun round on the spot, making the full skirt of her black and white polka dot frock flare out and show a lot more of her petticoats and legs than she anticipated. Gracie stopped and pulled a face.
‘Oh God, I’m making a fool of myself again … but I love it, Sean, I love it’.
She looked down at the ring and studied it for a moment. It was a classic engagement ring, pretty and dainty with a small diamond mounted high on the shoulders, which were diamond chips set in gold.
‘And I love you,’ he said, as a round of applause broke out around them. ‘Let’s tie the knot as quick as we can, I don’t want us to be having to wait a second longer than we have to. I want us to be married; I want us to be together forever.’
As Sean stood up, she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him.
‘I’m so happy, thanks for asking me, especially tonight. We can start the New Year as a proper engaged couple,’ Gracie said emotionally; she blinked hard as the tears prickled at the back of her eyes.
The band started playing again but the pace of the music had slowed right down, and the atmosphere in the ballroom changed from celebratory to romantic as the Last Waltz was played. Sean took Gracie’s hand and pulled her towards the dancefloor. ‘Come on, we have to dance to this tune and remember it forever. It will be our song, we can play it at our wedding and on our anniversaries …’
The sprung dancefloor moved as a swarm of couples took to the floor for the last dance in the glittering ballroom that was filled to capacity with couples of all ages dressed in their finery for the occasion.
As the lights dimmed and the music of Glenn Miller echoed around the walls Gracie smiled and followed her new fiancé onto the floor. She’d often fantasised about being married and having a home and family of her own. It was what she wanted most, and in one instant it had all become a reality; Gracie McCabe was going to be married. She was to marry Sean Donnelly, the hotel chef she had known and worked with for so long.
She hadn’t initially been that attracted to him, even though she liked him as a friend and occasionally went out with him, but he’d been persistent over the years and slowly but surely he’d grown on her. Gradually, she had become comfortable with him. It had only been in the previous few months that Sean had become more intense and Gracie had started to take him seriously. She could imagine him as a good husband and father, providing well for his family, and that was what she wanted, all she had ever wanted.
Everything that had gone before was suddenly irrelevant. The past that could easily have destroyed her had in fact made her stronger and she was ready to move forward in her life with Sean Donnelly.
Sean had to be at work early the next day, so as soon as the music stopped and the lights went up in the ballroom again they grabbed their coats from the cloakroom and ran out ahead of most of the partygoers. They turned onto the seafront and headed to Thorpe Bay, quickly walking arm-in-arm along to the hotel where Gracie lived and worked. The seafront was quiet and dark bar the moonlight and even though they couldn’t really see it, there was the sound of the high tide lapping up against the tide-line. They talked as they walked and kissed on the doorstep but then Sean turned round and walked back the way they’d just come. He returned to the Palace Hotel at the top of the hill, opposite Southend Pier, where he worked as a chef and also lived-in.
Gracie stood at the gate of the Thamesview Hotel and waved until Sean was out of sight before walking round to the back and quietly letting herself in. Taking the stairs two at a time, she raced up the three flights to the self-contained flat at the top which she shared with her friend Ruby Blakeley, who also owned the hotel. But instead of creeping quietly into her own room as she would usually have done, she flung Ruby’s bedroom door wide open and switched the light on.
‘Ruby, Ruby, wake up and look at this. Look, look, look! Sean proposed to me tonight, properly proposed. Look at my engagement ring, Ruby. I’m going to be married at bloody long last! I’m not going to stay sitting on that sodding shelf forever …’
Bewildered for a moment, Ruby Blakeley opened her eyes and looked at the alarm clock, before blinking hard and trying to focus on her friend.
‘Oh that’s lovely, Gracie, I’m pleased for you …’ she groaned, her voice thick with sleep.
‘Pleased for me? Come on Ruby Rubes, you can come up with something better than that! I’m getting married, I’m going to be Mrs Donnelly …’ Gracie sat on the edge of the bed and bounced up and down like a child on Christmas day.
‘I will, I promise, but do you mind if I run round the room with you in the morning? I’ve got to be up and working downstairs in a couple of hours and it’s just me, myself and I because you have the morning off, and there are guests who want breakfast really early.’
‘Oh sod the guests! Just take one little peek at the ring and then I’ll leave you alone, I promise.’ She shook Ruby’s shoulder and laughed.
Bleary-eyed, Ruby peered at the hand in front of her face. ‘That’s very pretty and well chosen, lovely …’
She smiled again at her friend and blew a kiss before tugging the eiderdown right up over her head.
‘Okay, I’ll leave you to your beauty sleep, you miserable cow, but in the morning we’ll dance round the room and celebrate – whether you like it or not!’ Gracie laughed as she switched the light off again and skipped out of the room.
Still smiling, she went through into the living room, kicked her high heels off and curled up on the sofa. She stared down at the small but perfect twinkling diamond ring on her finger and sighed. Gracie had often imagined the moment she would be proposed to, but she hadn’t expected that Sean Donnelly, the young man she’d known for so long, would go down on one knee in the middle of the ballroom at midnight on New Year’s Eve. She had thought they were just out together to celebrate the New Year.
She thought about that moment again, the special moment when she had realised that Sean was asking her to be his wife and smiled to herself. The proposal had certainly been romantic and he had timed it to perfection. How could she possibly not want to marry a man like that? Gracie reached a hand out, pulled a cushion over from the chair opposite, put it under her head and started mentally planning her new life. By the time she dozed off she had already chosen her wedding dress, picked a honeymoon destination, fantasised about her first proper home and named her first baby, boy or girl. Her life was finally going in the direction she had always wanted it to and she was more than content with it. She was content with the thought of being married to Sean Donnelly and happy at the thought of having his children. He had said he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and that was all she had ever wanted from a man.
Several hours later she awoke to find Ruby standing at the end of the sofa, holding a tray that was formally laid out for morning tea with a lace tray cloth, the best china and a selection of fancy biscuits.
‘Just look at you,’ Ruby laughed, ‘sleeping on the sofa, with your new dress screwed up like a dishrag. Good job Aunt Leonora can’t see you looking like that; she’d have a pink fit.’
She put the tray down on the table in front of the sofa and sat down alongside her friend. ‘And this, Miss McCabe, is to celebrate your engagement in the way of Leonora Blakeley; it’s in her honour. This morning we’re going to be ladylike and take formal morning tea.’
Gracie looked at the tray and laughed. ‘Oh that is so nice of you! Leonora would be so proud of you. I think she might even have overlooked my dishrag dress because she’d be so pleased I’m going to be respectable at last; mind you, she mightn’t have been impressed with lipstick on the cushions. Sorry, Rubes! I was just so excited I couldn’t sleep properly. I kept dozing off then waking up and wondering if I’d dreamt it.’
‘You are overexcited! Why don’t you go to bed now?’ Ruby smiled. ‘It’s only nine o’clock; I’ve just come up for a quick break to see how you are, and to look at your ring in daylight. There’s not so much to do now with only two guests left. The others have checked out, Henry’s just driven them to the station.’
‘I feel guilty leaving you down there on your own …’
‘Well don’t, it was your morning off anyway. I can manage perfectly well for today. I’ve got Henry to help, bless his little cotton socks. He may be getting on a bit but he mucks in. But now, the ring, please!’
‘Okay, here it is …’ Gracie held her hand up and waved it around. ‘Isn’t it lovely? And it fits perfectly.’
‘It is lovely, Gracie, it must have taken him ages to save up for it. Did you know he was planning the grand proposal?’
‘God no, it was such a shock! I mean I knew he liked going out with me but a marriage proposal and a ring? I’m still stunned, especially as he must have been planning it to have the ring ready.’
Ruby looked at Gracie thoughtfully as she chose her words. ‘I don’t want to be like Aunt Leonora, really I don’t, but are you sure this is what you really want, to spend the rest of your life with Sean Donnelly? I know you like him – but marriage? That’s forever, missy.’
‘Oh look, I know now that Prince Charming isn’t going to appear on the doorstep and carry me off to his castle; there just isn’t one of them out there for me. Sean loves me, he’s good to me. I know you think he’s a bit boring but he’s no wide boy either, is he?’ Gracie shrugged her shoulders and smiled. ‘We both know he’s not exactly the life and soul of the party and he’s definitely no screen idol but he works hard and he’ll look after me, I’m sure.’
‘Are you sure you’re not getting carried away on the proposal? Is he the right one?’ Ruby asked with an edge to her tone. ‘The right one you’ve been dreaming about?’
‘Well, he’s the nearest to the right one that I’m going to get!’ Gracie laughed. ‘Anyway, I like him a lot – and look where that stupid hearts and flowers fantasy got me last time. Look where it got me and you … I know you’ve sort of worked your life out and you and Johnnie are going to be together forever. You’ve got your right one, but me?’ Gracie shook her head. ‘No, Sean is my chance. I’m nearly twenty-eight and I don’t want to end up like Leonora, forever looking out to sea and wishing for something that just ain’t ever going to happen. Life isn’t like it is in the cinema, is it?’
Gracie smiled to take the edge off her words; she understood exactly what Ruby was trying to say. Over the years she’d known and been going out with Sean, Gracie had always joked that she was waiting for the right one to come along and whisk her off on a white charger. It had become a standing joke when they watched the people walking along the promenade.
‘Is he the right one?’ Ruby would ask. ‘Nope, not the right one …’ Gracie would smile. ‘But I’ll know him when I see him!’
Ruby reached out and touched her hand. ‘I’m sorry – you’re old enough to know what you’re doing. So if you’re sure then we have to arrange an engagement party … and then the wedding! Oh, this is going to be such fun! What sort of wedding do you want?’
‘Can’t afford an engagement party and a small and cheap wedding with none of my bleedin’ family there to wreck it would be just about right for me!’ Gracie said, only half-joking.
‘You can have the wedding reception here. And an engagement party as well. If you want to, that is, and if Sean wants to, of course,’ Ruby said warmly.
‘Oh, a wedding reception at Thamesview would be fantastic, Rubes. I’d love to have it here, my favourite place in the world!’
The two young women blinked back tears as they hugged each other tight, aware that a big change was ahead for both of them.
Ruby stood up. ‘Right, tea break over … Back to work I go; any plans for later?’
‘Sean’s coming round after his shift finishes at tea time, if that’s okay with you. We’ve got a lot to talk about. I only need an hour or so while he’s here.’
‘Of course it’s okay; this is your home as much as mine, silly. I’ll stay out of the way and give you some time together. Oh, and I hereby give you the whole day off in honour of your new status of engaged woman. Can’t have you slaving over a hot desk this afternoon, can we?’
As Ruby turned to leave the room Gracie called her back. ‘Rubes? I nearly forgot, will you be my number one bridesmaid?’
‘Cheeky moo, I thought you’d never ask!’
‘You fibber, you knew I’d ask you! I wouldn’t want anyone else. Apart from Maggie, of course. I have to have Maggie.’
‘She’ll love that.’
As Ruby closed the door, Gracie grinned again and swung her legs back onto the sofa. She leaned back, closed her eyes and thought back over her enduring friendship with Ruby.
When Gracie McCabe and Ruby Blakeley had first met on the maternity ward in Rochford Hospital in 1946, they were just two teenage girls who had naively got themselves into trouble and then had to give up their illegitimate babies. The two distressed girls had quickly bonded on the ward but had then gone their separate ways to restart their lives; they’d promised to keep in touch, but at the same time they had both really wanted to pretend the previous few months of their lives had never happened. Although Gracie at nineteen was three years older than Ruby, she hadn’t known that at the time because as far as everyone in the hospital knew, Ruby was a young war widow having a legitimate baby.
In their separate miseries, neither of them could have foreseen that their chance meeting was actually going to be the start of a close and enduring friendship; one in which their lives would be so entwined they would become closer than sisters.
It had been a few weeks after leaving the hospital when Gracie had, on the spur of the moment gone to see Ruby and, away from the constraints of the maternity ward they had quickly developed their friendship; from then on, despite the circumstances of their initial meeting, they had both constantly thought themselves lucky to have met each other.
Ruby had been fortunate in that her baby girl Maggie was adopted by George and Babs Wheaton, the couple with whom she had been billeted when she was evacuated from London during the war, and she saw her often. Gracie had not been so lucky. She’d been sent to a mother and baby home, where she was constantly reminded of her sins and from where her baby, an unnamed little boy, was adopted by total strangers and lost to her forever. She had put on a brave face after the event; the wound was hidden from sight but the pain was still there. It was a constant ache in her heart that never really went away.
TWO (#ulink_0a7a81e3-2b35-5eb9-be87-587a77df3d50)
‘Happy?’ Sean asked that afternoon when they were both sitting on the sofa in front of the gas fire, arms entwined, unable to stop smiling. Gracie had spent the morning catching up on her sleep and getting ready for her new fiancé to arrive after his shift at work was over.
‘Oh yes,’ she said. ‘And you? Mind, you’d better be. You can’t change your mind now! I’ve got the ring on my finger and I’ve said YES. You’re committed now, no jilting allowed …’ Gracie jabbed her elbow in his side and laughed.
‘Of course I’m happy and you’re right, we can’t be changing our minds now. Neither of us. It’s official – you’re going to be Mrs Sean Donnelly, you’re going to be my wife! But we need to let our families know, to make it truly official. Will your parents mind that I didn’t ask your father first? I should have done that, shouldn’t I?’
‘No, I’ve told you before; they really don’t give a monkeys what I do. It’s been a long time since I was part of the family. Anyway, I’m a grown woman. I don’t need to tell them what I’m doing.’
Gracie’s tone was casual as she tried to shut the conversation down but she was suddenly on edge. She didn’t want to think about her family at that moment and she certainly didn’t give any thought to their potential role in the engagement yet she sensed that now they were going to be married, Sean would want to know more about the rift between them than she was comfortable with.
‘But getting wed’s something special, so maybe now’s the time to be putting all that right. We’ll go and visit together so I can meet your parents and your sisters. All this time us knowing each other and then going out and I’ve not met any of them, not a single one …’ he paused and looked straight into her eyes. ‘I’m just wondering, you’re not ashamed of me, are you?’
Gracie smiled quizzically, unsure if he was joking or serious. ‘Why would I be ashamed of you? It’s more likely to be the other way round, you being a good God-fearing Irishman and me a lazy old lapsed who only goes to church for weddings and funerals. I bet your family will hate you marrying an English girl …’
‘Oh Gracie, my lovely girl, they’re going to welcome you with open arms. I’m the golden boy of the family, don’t you know, the only boy with four big sisters who all adore their baby brother. I can get away with anything – even marrying a naughty English girl who doesn’t go to mass anymore. Or confession. I’m betting you don’t go to confession either …’
He laughed and pulled her into him. ‘We’re going to have to change that, you have to confess all your wrong-doings.’
‘I don’t need to go to confession, I never do anything wrong. You know, we should tell your family about the engagement right now. Let’s write to them …’
Gracie jumped up and crossed the room to the small bureau, hoping she’d distracted him away from asking any more about her family.
‘Okay now, here’s what I think,’ Sean said. ‘We’ll write to my parents in Ireland as you say and tell them the news, and then on my day off next week we’ll go and visit with your family and break it to them together. They live out by the airport now, don’t they? Right on the bus route.’
Gracie could feel the guilty panic rising as memories of the past came to the forefront of her mind.
She knew her easy-going father would be no problem, but her mother was a different kettle of fish. Gracie wasn’t sure she could trust her not to sabotage the engagement by either deliberately or accidentally revealing her secret to Sean.
All Gracie had wanted from her parents was for the past to be buried and forgotten but her mother had never been able to forgive her for the shame she had visited on the family.
On the few occasions when they saw each other the woman couldn’t resist sniping away over her daughter’s illegitimate pregnancy. She simply couldn’t forgive her, regardless of the passage of time, and it was the reason Gracie had had so little to do with her parents. It was easier to forget about her long-lost baby when she wasn’t constantly confronted by her mother bringing it up.
‘I know, instead of writing, let’s go to Ireland!’ Gracie blurted out, her voice gradually getting higher and faster. ‘Let’s go to Ireland and surprise them. I want to meet your family; we could take a small holiday. I’ve never been to Ireland, I’ve never been anywhere apart from London and Melton with Ruby. I know Ruby won’t mind if I’m away from the hotel for a few days …’
Sean frowned slightly as he looked hard at her. ‘A grand idea, I’m sure, but do I get the feeling you’re not wanting me to meet your family? In fact, I’m now really thinking you’re ashamed of me, Gracie. Do you think I’m not good enough for them? Not good enough for you yourself?’
‘That’s so daft and you know it,’ Gracie replied. ‘It’s just as I said, I don’t have much to do with them any more so telling them isn’t that important.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But you’re right and of course we’ll go and tell them … Soon. After we tell yours.’
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence from Sean where Gracie was unsure what to say, he stood up and walked over to the French windows that opened out onto the balcony.
‘Is it too cold to go out there, do you think?’ Sean asked, with his hand on the ornate wrought-iron handle.
‘Too bloody cold for me, that’s for sure,’ Gracie laughed, ‘but you’re welcome to go and freeze your ears off if you must.’
Sean shrugged his jacket on and stood the collar up round his ears before opening the full-length window and going outside. He quickly pulled it closed behind him, leaving Gracie rubbing her hands together in front of the fire and feeling as if her euphoria had been snatched away. She’d been so caught up in the dreamy planning, she’d stupidly not given a thought to Sean wanting to involve their respective families. With all his relatives being in Ireland and hers all but estranged they had never been part of their relationship and she had subconsciously excluded them all, but now she found herself wondering about Sean’s family and worrying about her own.
In Gracie’s mind, Ruby Blakeley was her family, the Thamesview Hotel was her home and she hadn’t thought much further than that.
As her new fiancé stood on the balcony, looking out into the darkness with his back to her, Gracie looked at his shadowy outline through the glass. He was standing perfectly still with his shoulders hunched up to his ears and his hands in his pockets.
At first glance Sean Donnelly looked very average and he didn’t stand out at all from the crowd. He was about five foot eight in his socks, with coarse black hair that already had a few premature stray white hairs, pale Celtic skin that glowed in the sun and the beginnings of a paunch – but he also had green eyes that twinkled when he laughed, an easy-going personality and he worked hard. His Irish accent had lessened over the years he’d been in England but it was still there in the background and Gracie loved listening to him when he was in full flow, telling embellished stories of happenings in the Palace Hotel where he worked. She had seen him grumpy, tired and occasionally fed-up but she’d never seen him lose his temper or get roaring drunk and he’d never been nasty to her, even when they occasionally bickered.
As she studied him, lost in her thoughts, he turned round and smiled at her. Gracie smiled back. Sean was a nice young man, perfect husband material in her eyes, and she was going to be his wife and the mother of his children. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that for her.
Especially not her oft-regretted past and her unforgiving mother.
Grabbing her coat and scarf Gracie followed Sean outside into the cold winter air.
‘It’s not that bad for January, is it? I’m guessing the over-hang of the roof protects the balcony from the worst of it,’ he said as she stepped alongside him. ‘There’s a bit of a nip in the air but we can keep each other warm.’
Sean put his arm around her shoulder and together they leaned on the balcony railing and peered out into the silent winter darkness that engulfed the estuary. As they looked ahead Gracie adjusted her eyes. The water was dark and the night clear, with a sprinkling of stars in the sky and a few random lights on the water from the fishing boats out in the deep water. It was so beautiful she wanted to cry.
‘Leonora used to be out here every spare moment you know, rain or shine, watching for passing boats and ships. I once saw her sweep several inches of snow off her chair so she could sit with her binoculars. She was such a secret romantic and she loved it out here; she just wanted to be on one of the big passenger liners heading off to the great unknown.’
Gracie opened her eyes wide as she felt the tears welling up; not just at the thought of Leonora Blakeley’s lost dreams, but at everything. Her heightened emotions on this special day were making her reminisce too much. She raised a hand to her eye and surreptitiously wiped a big fat tear away, hoping that Sean wouldn’t notice.
‘Well, it’s a grand place to be, that’s for sure,’ he said. ‘Right on the seafront like this. Ruby’s a lucky girl to own this hotel at such a young age; it must be worth a fortune. She was so fortunate to inherit it too, especially with her and Leonora not even being related.’
‘Oh, she knows she’s lucky but she’s worked really hard as well. That was why Leonora left it to her, she knew she’d take care of it; and I’m better off too because of her …’ Gracie opened her eyes wide again. ‘I mean, I’m living here and I’ve got a blinking good job as well! Rube’s been good to me, same as Leonora was in her own way. I’m so lucky!’
‘Ah maybe, but it’s a two-way street. Ruby would have been up the creek with no paddle without you beside her after that Leonora woman passed on. Don’t you go thinking you owe her any more than she owes you. If anything, you should be entitled to more than you have from her.’
‘I don’t think about it like that,’ Gracie said firmly, wanting to shut down the conversation. ‘I’m just so pleased I met Ruby and that we’re friends. More than friends in fact; we’re probably closer than sisters.’
She knew Sean was making a clumsy attempt to be supportive but she didn’t like hearing him use that almost jealous tone when he spoke about Ruby Blakeley, her friend. In the beginning she’d dismissed it as natural envy of Ruby’s lucky circumstance but sometimes his comments went just that bit too far for her to be comfortable.
‘How did that happen by the way?’ Sean asked, oblivious to the tightening of Gracie’s shoulders under his hand. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever known how the two of you met. Ruby was from London, wasn’t she? Apart from during the war?’
It was now or never; but Gracie hesitated. She would either have to tell him the whole sorry tale or stay silent forever. If she was going to marry Sean, she would have to tell him that she and Ruby had met as unmarried mothers on the maternity ward. Be honest, she told herself, tell the truth and shame the devil.
‘At the Kursaal. We met at the Kursaal just after the war when Ruby came to live down here. We were both young and daft, and we clicked. We became friends, almost immediately.’
The decision was made. Without even thinking about it consciously the words were out, the lie was told and Gracie knew there could be no going back. She sighed with relief that she had made her choice, even if it been an instant reaction rather than a well-thought out and measured decision. Now though, she knew she couldn’t ever tell Sean her shameful secret.
The flat where Gracie lived was on the top floor of the Thamesview Hotel, a long established ‘ladies only’ hotel on the outskirts of Southend, on the Essex coast. Leonora Wheaton had set it up before the war as a quiet and select establishment where widows and single women could go for a holiday at the seaside on their own without risk to their reputation. It was genteel and quaint and although there had been some recent upgrading, the essence of it had stayed. A few of the guests had been visiting for years. Sometimes they were accompanied by sisters, daughters, even maids, but no men were allowed to stay under any circumstances. They were allowed into the lobby or the small guest lounge by invitation but the foot of a male visitor could never be placed on the stairs that led up to the accommodation.
Leonora Wheaton had enforced that rule rigidly and Ruby was following suit because it was a formula that worked for the business.
The terraced property was just three storeys high, with a basement that was used for staff accommodation, a tiny annexe flat at the rear and a comfortable self-contained flat on the top floor, where Gracie and Ruby lived. The guest accommodation was basic but it was always clean and tidy and the service was as impeccable as it had always been when Leonora had been the owner.
The decoration in the flat was not in the style that either of the young women who lived there would have chosen, but Ruby wasn’t yet ready to fully modernise it. Not only did she feel it would be disrespectful to Leonora but she had also had to concentrate her time and money on the renovations of the hotel itself, which had become outdated and tired during the war years.
Despite her young age Ruby Blakeley had been bequeathed it nearly two years before in 1952, and Gracie, who had previously helped out there in between her own shifts at the Palace Hotel, now worked alongside her as manageress and general dogsbody, doing the job that Ruby herself used to do. But because it was a small hotel with few staff they both did anything and everything that needed doing around the hotel; they worked hard and had long hours but they both loved what they did and worked together well.
The Thamesview Hotel was not only Gracie’s workplace, it was also her home and she loved it there.
‘Where shall we live when we’re married?’ Sean suddenly asked, still looking ahead into the dark distance of the Thames Estuary
‘Dunno. We’ll have to start looking for somewhere but it’ll have to be somewhere near to both hotels. There are some nice small flats around the back here …’ Gracie felt a slight feeling of anxiety rise within her. She really couldn’t imagine leaving the hotel and Ruby; it was another thing she hadn’t given enough thought to when she had excitedly accepted Sean’s proposal.
‘Mind, you won’t be working here for long after we’re wed. You’re to be my wife and then, please God, the babies will come along. We’re going to need to look in Southend itself, near the Palace, near to where I work. My job has to come first, especially now I’m to get another promotion.’
Sean paused and smiled reassuringly before leaning over and kissing his new fiancée lightly on the lips.
‘It’ll be grand having our own lives, you’ll see. Maybe Ruby will see you right for everything you’ve done for her. As I said, a big bonus payment for services over and above. You’re entitled, you know, and we’ll need all the money we can get.’
Gracie smiled back, but said nothing. She knew Sean simply didn’t realise what a wrench it was going to be for her to move out.
That night as Gracie lay in her bed wide awake and deep in thought, she tried to envisage her new life with Sean in their own home, hopefully with a baby. It was all she had dreamed about, ever since the day she had had to give up her firstborn baby son forever. Gracie was excited at the prospect of making a home and a family with Sean, but she also felt nervous at the thought of such a complete change in her life. The euphoria of the day had been tinged with regret and while she wanted everything Sean was offering her, she also didn’t want to give up what she had.
Gracie went to sleep that night on the horns of a dilemma that she hoped would quickly resolve itself.
THREE (#ulink_c46eafdb-5327-5534-9d28-e604b35711da)
Feeling apprehensive, she stood on the edge of the pavement on the other side of the road and watched for a few moments, bracing herself to take the next step. As always, her stomach churned nervously; she wanted to turn and walk away as she had done on the previous occasion.
But this time Gracie knew she had to follow through so she stood perfectly still and gathered her emotions. As she breathed deeply she studied the man directly opposite her who was kneeling on a rolled-up newspaper, methodically tending the flower bed that edged a neat bungalow.
He was noticeably older and rounder, and his hair was thinner than when she’d last seen him, but there was no disputing who he was. Just looking at him nurturing his plants with his pipe sticking out of the corner of his mouth, she could tell he was still a gentle soul. She felt immense guilt at the fact that she rarely saw him or any of her family any more, but she found it just too hard to be confronted with things from the past that she wanted to bury.
She crossed the road and stopped at the edge of the tiny front garden.
‘Hello Dad,’ Gracie said quietly. ‘How are you?’
Fred McCabe looked up from his gardening and smiled up at his daughter, his obvious pleasure at the sight of her increasing her guilt at having left it so long.
‘Gracie! Hello my dear,’ he said with joy in his voice as he stood up. ‘It’s so nice to see you. I thought you’d forgotten about your old dad, it’s been so long …’
Gracie looked sheepish. ‘I know, I’m sorry, but …’ she paused. ‘Well, you know what it’s like, it’s just easier to stay away and let things lie. I’m a bit of a coward under fire.’
‘I know what you mean dear, but it probably makes things worse,’ he said kindly. ‘Maybe if we didn’t only see you once in a blue moon your mother would have come round a bit more.’
‘I tried that …’ Gracie started.
‘I know but I don’t think you appreciate how hard it was for your mother. But no one knows about it here so perhaps there’s hope.’
‘But no one knew about it where we were before, she just thought they did,’ Gracie felt compelled to reply.
‘I know,’ Fred McCabe said with a gentle smile. ‘But your mother has always worried about the neighbours, and her mother before her; it’s the way of her side of the family. My way is live and let live. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.’
‘You could have come to see me; you know where I live, you all know where I live. It was hard at the Palace, I grant you, but the Thamesview is different,’ Gracie paused, suddenly aware that she was being defensive again. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t go on, I know! But it’s nice to see you now and I’ve got something to tell you, some good news …’
‘All in good time, Gracie, all in good time.’ Fred McCabe interrupted her quickly. ‘Your mother’s inside but your sisters are both out gallivanting, what with it being the weekend. You are coming in, aren’t you? Not just passing by?’
‘If you want me to … if Mum won’t mind. I want to talk to you.’
‘When we get inside. Mustn’t leave your mother out, eh?’ Fred smiled at his eldest daughter and patted her shoulder affectionately.
‘It’s nice round here, all peaceful and homely,’ Gracie said, putting off the moment she would have to face her mother once again. She looked around at the small, neat estate of pre-fabricated bungalows that had been erected just after the war to house many of the local residents who had been bombed out of their own homes. The small properties were all identical in design and colour but most showed their inhabitants’ identity via the lace curtains at the windows and flowers in the postage stamp-sized front gardens.
‘It’s really handy for everything,’ Gracie continued. ‘Blimey, you’ve got the buses on the doorstep and shops round the corner; and the airport within spitting distance for you.’
‘We were lucky to get housed here, what with me working at the airport. Now I walk over the road and there I am. I can even pop home for lunch if the mood takes me, and the pub is just down the road for when I need it.’
He laughed and Gracie joined in conspiratorially, even though she knew her father had never touched a drop of alcohol in his life. His only vice was the familiar old brown pipe that was either clamped between his teeth or in his hand being emptied and refilled almost ritualistically. At night it was always placed upside down in the large chipped glass ashtray that lived on the draining board. Gracie wondered nostalgically if it was still there in the new place or if her mother had succeeded in banishing it outside.
‘And I have a shed! It’s not big enough to turn round in but I’ve always wanted one,’ her dad said, grinning.
‘That’s good, Dad. You deserve it.’
‘I don’t know about deserve it but it’s nice to have my own little hidey-hole after a lifetime of living with all you girls,’ he laughed.
‘How are the twins?’ Gracie asked. ‘I saw Jenny some time back – I bumped into her in the high street. She looked really nice but she was as shy as ever, chalk and cheese that pair,’ she added, referring to the twin sisters who were four years her junior.
‘Jenny said she saw you, that you were doing well at that hotel with your friend. I was pleased to hear it. We’ll soon be on our own here; the twins are both engaged and planning a double wedding in a couple of years time. That should save me a few bob, two for the price of one. They both seem like nice lads …’
‘Oh, Jenny never said a word about it to me …’ Gracie smiled sadly. ‘I suppose I’m not invited then. Me being the black sheep and all.’
Her father put his arm around her waist and gently edged her to the front door, which was ajar. ‘Now, that’s not like you to be self-pitying. You’re jumping to conclusions again, they haven’t even set the date yet! And to be fair, we’ve lived here for nigh on eighteen months now and you haven’t come to visit us.’
‘I know. I really do know, and I’m sorry but …’ Gracie began.
‘Come on,’ Fred McCabe said quietly. ‘Let’s go inside and break the ice.’ He put his head inside the door and called out. ‘Dot? Are you there, Dot? We’ve got a visitor …’
Pushing the door right back he slipped his muddy boots off, hung his coat on the hook on the back of the door and stood back to let his daughter pass. Following his nudge, she turned through into the neat sitting room, at the same time as her mother appeared in the doorway opposite that led through to the kitchenette. Both women stopped in their tracks on different sides of the room.
Rather than meet her mother’s eye immediately, Gracie scanned the room.
There was very little there that was familiar to her, apart from a couple of ornaments on the shelf over the gas fire, the large wooden mantle-clock that had belonged to her grandparents, and the lace tray-cloth that had pride of place on the sideboard. The furniture was noticeably second-hand but it was in good condition and the room was immaculately clean and tidy. However, it was as if she was in a stranger’s home, and Gracie felt a wave of sadness engulf her.
There was no disputing that Dot McCabe was Gracie’s mother. Both were tall and slender with brown hair, matching brown eyes, full lips and obvious cheekbones, but whereas Gracie was a naturally happy soul with a ready smile, her mother definitely wasn’t. It showed in the frown lines etched across her forehead and around her permanently downturned mouth.
She was dressed in top-to-toe dark grey with a faded navy blue apron tied around her waist and lisle stockings rolled down to her ankles. Dot McCabe’s whole persona shouted misery and Gracie could feel it sucking her in from across the room.
‘Well, well … Look what the cat’s dragged in, the prodigal daughter …’ her mother said, without changing her expression.
Although she forced a smile Gracie could feel the familiar griping ache in the pit of her stomach. Despite her hoping otherwise, nothing had changed.
‘Nice to see you too, Mum …’ Gracie said as she stared at her mother, her expression neutral. ‘I like the new place, real cosy isn’t it? And so convenient for Dad’s work.’
‘Is that why you’re here? To have a good nosey round?’ Dot held her arm out and waved it around with a flourish. ‘Well, this it. Not quite a flashy big seafront hotel but we make do. Beggars can’t be choosers.’
‘The hotel’s not big and it’s not flashy, and I think this is really nice. It must have been a relief to get out of the Westcliff flat …’
‘You didn’t have to put up with it as long as we did, you left us to get on with it …’ the woman said angrily.
‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ Fred interrupted, trying to break the tension. ‘You two sit down and have a natter.’
Dot McCabe glared at her husband. ‘About what? About why our own daughter can’t be bothered to visit her family? About how she thinks we’re beneath her now she’s got hoity-toity friends? What else?’
‘About anything, Dot. You and Gracie could just catch up on all your news now she’s here at last. Family is family,’ he smiled.
‘Gracie doesn’t think she is any more’.
‘Actually I wanted to talk to both of you together …’ Gracie forced herself to stay calm and looked from one to the other. ‘Please? It won’t take long and then we can have tea.’
As she held her hands out to try and appeal to her mother, Dot reached forward and pointed.
‘What’s this?’
‘It’s an engagement ring, that’s what I want to talk to you about. I’m getting married. His name is Sean Donnelly.’ Gracie smiled and kept her voice calm; she knew she had to somehow get her mother on side.
‘Oh congratulations, Gracie, that’s good news! Tell us about the lucky young man,’ her father said quickly, as if to pre-empt his wife’s response.
‘When’s this happening?’ Dot asked.
‘We haven’t set a date yet, we only got engaged on New Years’ Eve. I’ve known him a long time – we used to work together at the Palace before I went to Thamesview.’ Gracie started talking faster and faster in a bid to deflect her mother. ‘He’s a chef – well, he’s an assistant chef but sometimes he gets to be in charge. It’s a good job and he earns well, he works strange and long hours but that’s the nature of the business for both of us. We both work hard.’
‘We’re pleased for you, Gracie, you deserve a nice young man and I hope he deserves you,’ her father smiled again. ‘Tell us some more about him …’
Fred was doing his best to stop the conversation getting contentious and Gracie was grateful to him for it but like King Canute trying to hold back the water, he didn’t stand a chance of success; despite her telling them all about Sean she could see her mother was just itching for her chance to have another go.
‘Does he know about you?’ Her mother interrupted sharply, unable to hold it in any longer.
‘I told you, we’ve known each other for a long time, so he knows me really well. We were friends for years before we got serious …’ Gracie deliberately misinterpreted what she knew her mother was asking.
‘You know what I mean,’ Dot snapped. ‘Does he know about the baby?’
‘Well, of course he doesn’t,’ Gracie laughed sarcastically. ‘Why would I tell him that? It was such a long time ago. It’s all done and dusted, old news, my baby son – despatched and forgotten, the way you always wanted it.’
‘Not for us it’s not forgotten. Such a shameful time for us all, but I’m pleased you realise at last how shameful it is. You must do or you would have told him …’
‘Yes, okay,’ Gracie interrupted to stem the flow of remonstrations, ‘but it’s history now, you got your way and it’s over. If I could change it all I would but I can’t, I can’t go back in time and not be so bloody stupid. I can’t go back and get my baby back either so no one won, did they? Oh, apart from the chosen couple who bloody well got to have him …’
‘We know all that, Gracie, and I know it upsets you,’ her father said, ‘but don’t swear. We don’t like it.’
‘Sorry Dad, but she’s enough to make a saint swear sometimes,’ Gracie said, almost petulantly. ‘Anyway I’m here because Sean wants to meet you, to make it formal. I’d like to bring him round but I have to know you won’t say anything to him …’
Her mother smiled slightly and shook her head. ‘Ah, so that’s why we’re being graced with a visit. Now you want us to save your skin. I knew there had to be a reason …’
‘I just don’t want you to say anything about it. It’s history – we’ve all got on with our lives since then. You’re here and settled, and I’m happy with my life and I don’t want anything to spoil it.’
‘So you think I’d do that, do you? You really think I’d broadcast something like that to all and sundry? That I’d tell anyone about it?’ Gracie was surprised to see her mother looking hurt, as if she was really shocked that her daughter could think something like that.
‘I don’t know, Mum – you don’t like me very much, do you?’ Gracie said with sad resignation.
Dot McCabe looked directly at her daughter and stared her down for a few seconds, before turning away without answering. Gracie then looked at her father and sniffed loudly, a gesture full of unspoken meaning.
‘I’ll make the tea,’ her father said as he backed towards the kitchen door.
‘Oh no you don’t, Freddie, you stay right here! I can’t believe our own daughter thinks that way about us. Tell her, tell her she’s being cruel and ungrateful …’
Fred McCabe frowned and thought for a few moments before answering. Gracie could see he was stuck in the middle, where he had always hated to be, and was racking his brains for a way to keep the peace.
‘Your mother’s right, Gracie, that’s just nonsense. Why would we say anything out of place to your fiancé? To anyone for that matter? Why would we want it all out in the open now? You bring him round and we’ll all be nice as pie and twice as sweet …’ he laughed and turned to his wife. ‘We’ll welcome him and you. We want to meet him if he’s going to be our son-in-law.’
Still standing on the far side of the small sitting room, her back right up against the wall and her feet together, Gracie’s mother folded her arms tightly and protectively across her chest.
‘Providing you’re not expecting us to cough up towards the wedding. We’ve got the twins’ wedding to save for, we can’t take on any more expense; not that you’d be interested, but we’re strapped enough as it is.’
Gracie smiled slightly and shook her head; she was determined to stay calm. She had to somehow get her mother on her side, and if that meant not saying what she was thinking, then that was what she would do.
‘Of course not. Me and Sean are doing it ourselves. It’s not going to be a big knees-up wedding and reception or anything, just a quiet ceremony at St George’s and a small reception at the hotel. Ruby’s organising it as a wedding present …’
‘She would be, wouldn’t she? That Ruby has always been more important to you than your own family.’ Dot paused for a second and then suddenly opened her eyes wide and stared at her daughter closely. ‘You’re not in the family way again, are you?’
Gracie shook her head. ‘No, I’m not – and if I was then I wouldn’t tell you, not after last time. This time it’s all going to be done by the book.’
‘Oh stop it, you stupid girl!’ her mother snapped. ‘Last time you were little more than a child yourself, with no man to marry you. We did what was best for you – which is more than can be said for soldier boy, who disappeared off, never to be seen again …’
‘No Mum, you did what was best for you,’ Gracie said calmly. ‘Anything rather than have the neighbours know. That baby was my first-born, he was your grandson, your first grandchild but you gave him away to strangers …’
‘It was for the best as we saw it at the time, best for everyone, but especially for you,’ her father interrupted. ‘You can’t blame us for what we did. We thought it was right then and, if I’m honest, I still think it was right, but I think it’s also time to stop talking about it. Both of you. It can’t be changed, so there’s no point in going over it again and again.’
Gracie shrugged and looked into the middle distance. He was right. The same ground had been covered each time she and her mother had been face to face until eventually Gracie had stopped visiting and the rift had widened. But now she needed to know that all would be well when she and Sean went to see them to announce the engagement formally.
‘Okay, I’d love to put it behind us,’ Gracie said. ‘But can you just promise me you won’t mention anything in front of Sean when I bring him round? I really want this to work with him – he’s a nice young man and I want to be married and have a baby that I can keep, I really do …’
‘We won’t say anything but, be warned, secrets always come out and then it’ll end in tears.’ Her father shook his head and waved a finger at Gracie, the way he used to when she was a child. ‘Your mother and I won’t say a word – today is the last time it will ever be mentioned, but you should think about telling your young man yourself. It’s not a good idea to start your married life with secrets,’ he said wisely.
‘I can’t tell him now; I’ve left it too late. I had a chance and I let it go so now it has to be buried forever. I don’t want Sean to know I visited today.’
Fred and Dot McCabe both nodded; her father with a smile on his face and her mother with her usual frown.
‘We won’t say anything …’ Fred said. ‘Now I really must make that cuppa. I don’t know about you two but I’m parched.’
As she looked from one to the other, Gracie knew instinctively that her secret would be kept safe with her parents, even if it would be mostly for her mother’s sake.
For the first time in many years, father, mother and daughter sat down together and had a conversation that didn’t revolve around recriminations. The truce was a little uneasy between them but Gracie tried her best. She wanted to make up with them, even if she only managed a superficial relationship as her friend Ruby had done with her own family. But Gracie knew that even if she forgave, she could never really forget what had happened. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, the memory of it was as sharp and clear as if it had only just happened.
FOUR (#ulink_01ea3559-9e79-56db-8fa4-56bdc2fc280f)
1946
‘Gracie … Why aren’t you up? You’ll be out on your ear if you’re late again …’
‘I feel sick and I’ve got belly-ache, I can’t go today …’ Gracie McCabe moaned from her bed.
‘Oh yes you can,’ Dot McCabe shouted from the other side of the door, before flinging it open so hard it crashed against the end of the bed. She turned the dim ceiling light on and went into the bedroom. ‘Now you just get out of that bed and get yourself to work. We need the money, you lazy little mare. Get up …’
When Gracie didn’t move her mother pulled the bedclothes back in one swift movement. ‘What’s going on with you girl? Get your backside up now and get going. If you miss the bus you’ll have to walk, you’re not using my bicycle again.’
‘I don’t feel well, I feel sick …’
‘That’s no excuse, get out of that bed right now and get yourself dressed.’
Jennifer and Jeanette, Gracie’s fourteen-year-old twin sisters, who had still been asleep in the double bed across the room, sat up quickly and nudged each other. Both were openly amused that it was their sister in Dot McCabe’s angry firing line instead of them.
The two girls weren’t identical twins; in fact they were not remotely alike in either appearance or temperament. Despite their mother’s best efforts to dress and treat them the same, they were really just two sisters who happened to be the same age, two sisters with nothing in common except for their birth.
Jennifer was quiet, academic and very similar in appearance to Gracie and her mother in both stature and features, whereas Jeanette was shorter, her hair naturally fair and her figure curvy, even at fourteen, with a sprinkling of freckles and a loud laugh. She was also prone to getting into trouble both at school and with the neighbours, something which Jennifer never did.
When they were young they had often bickered but always sided against everyone else, but as they’d grown older their opposing personalities had led them to grow slightly apart and have different friends and hobbies.
As they sat on the bed watching the scene in front of them, Dot McCabe suddenly realised they were there and nodded her head in their direction.
‘These two have got to get ready for school. If you’re going to be sick then get yourself into the kitchen and get a bowl.’
Gracie threw the rest of her covers off and, with her shoulders hunched and clutching her stomach tightly, she quickly ran from the room, her mother hot on her heels. She knew she wasn’t going to be sick as such but she wasn’t well enough to go to work. She was tired, she was emotional and she was very scared.
Suddenly she was also fed up with covering up and pretending. It was time for her secret to come out.
‘Stop going on at me all the time!’ Gracie screamed with her back to Dot. ‘I’m not going to be sick. I’m in the family way, I feel bad because I’m going to have a baby …’
Gracie looked defiantly at her mother and watched the colour drain from the woman’s face.
‘What did you just say?’
Suddenly aware of the enormity of what she was saying out loud for the first time, Gracie backed away.
‘I said, I said …’ she stuttered. ‘I said, I’m going to have a baby and I can’t go to work.’
‘No you’re not, you can’t be,’ her mother interrupted. ‘Don’t say stupid things like that just cos you don’t want to go to work, that’s wicked …’
‘Well I am. I’ve not had a show for ages and my belly’s fat. Look.’ With fake bravado Gracie unfolded her arms and patted her eight months pregnant stomach through her thin cotton nightdress, the growing stomach that she’d managed to keep hidden from everyone, both at home and at work.
Dot McCabe’s expression was almost serene as she looked first at the ceiling and then at her daughter’s swollen belly. She stared quietly for a few moments as she tried to take in the information her oldest child had given her, and then swiftly took two steps forward and slapped her daughter hard around the ear with the flat of her hand.
Then she completely lost control and did it over and over again, with both hands, hitting her as hard as she could.
‘You dirty slut, you’re dirty … dirty! How could you do that? You disgusting creature!’
Gracie tried to protect her head with her hands but still the blows rained down.
‘How could you? Who did it to you? Oh my dear God, the neighbours, the idiots downstairs, they’re all going to enjoy this! We’ll be a laughing stock. Who knows about this? Who have you told?’
‘No one, no one knows. I wanted to tell you before but I was scared,’ Gracie cried, her earlier bravery now forgotten.
‘And so you should be. What about the father? Is he that nasty squaddie your father saw you with? Is he going to marry you?’
Gracie was sobbing and talking in huge gasps.
‘No, he’s gone … he said he wanted to marry me but now he’s gone and I don’t know where and I don’t know what to do. As soon as I told him he left me. He disappeared,’ Gracie cried, gasping for breath.
Dot’s face glowed with anger as she stared at her daughter and the enormity of the situation hit her.
‘You stupid, stupid girl! Of course he left you, who wants to marry a girl who’s easy?’
The tiny kitchen prevented Dot McCabe from pacing, so instead she turned around on the spot and slapped her own forehead with the palm of her hand.
‘No one can find out about this, no one. Do you understand me? And I dread to think what your father’s going to say when he gets home. Get back into your bedroom now and stay there. Go on, you get back in there; just get in there, get into bed and cover yourself up,’ Dot McCabe reached up and took hold of Gracie by her hair, tugging it hard. ‘Don’t say a word to your sisters; I’ve got to decide what we’re going to do. Go, go, go and stop that snivelling …’
She let go of Gracie’s hair, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the back bedroom at the end of the long corridor of the upstairs flat.
‘You two, get dressed and get off to school,’ she told the twins. ‘Gracie’s sick and I don’t want either of you to catch it. Go on. Move. Now.’
‘But it’s too early …’ Jeanette said sulkily. ‘Why should we have to go to school now just because Gracie’s sick? What’s wrong with her?’
‘Now!’ Dot McCabe snapped with such ferocity that even Jeanette, the normally loud and argumentative sister, didn’t answer back. Without another word, both girls started pulling on their clothes. Under the watchful eye of their angry mother they purposefully ignored their sister as she climbed back into her bed and buried herself under the covers.
The double bedroom the three sisters shared was at the back of the property where the family lived. The large, semi-derelict, terraced house in the Westcliff area of Southend-on-Sea was a temporary home to three separate families, The McCabe family had the whole of the first floor, the ground floor housed a noisy family with three uncontrollable young children and the top floor, which was the attic, was home to a young married couple who were related to the landlord. None of the flats were self-contained and, whether they wanted to or not, they all intruded into each other’s lives.
Everyone living in the house hated it but it was a basic roof over their heads in the difficult times just after the war. For the McCabe family, it had been somewhere immediate for them to live when their previous home had been declared unsafe after a nearby bomb had shaken the foundations, cracked the front wall from top to bottom and shifted most of the tiles off the roof.
Their floor was relatively spacious but it was also damp, cold, and lacking in most of the basic amenities. They took it in turns to wash at the small kitchen sink and family meals were cooked on a gas stove with three rings and a broken oven, but at least there was a working lavatory which they shared with the couple upstairs. The family on the ground floor were supposed to use the outside lavatory but the children would sometimes sneak upstairs to avoid going out into the back yard. The whole situation was unbearably chaotic for everyone in the house but they all tolerated it as they waited for something better.
Gracie pulled the covers right up over her head to block everything out; she was angry with herself for not following her instincts and just running away and hoping for the best.
Because she worked long hours at the Palace Hotel on the seafront she hadn’t been home very much for the family to notice her growing belly and at work as a chambermaid she was able to keep it hidden under her roomy overall. But now her secret was out and she was going to have to accept the consequences which she knew would be harsh after seeing her mother’s initial reaction.
A sense of impending doom enveloped Gracie as she lay wrapped up tightly in her bed, waiting to see what her mother was going to do. She could feel the baby moving inside her and without thinking, she wrapped her arms around it protectively. She guessed she would have to wait for her father’s return from work before she would know her fate but she knew without doubt even her genial and easy-going father wouldn’t be able to take her side this time.
Gracie couldn’t even begin to imagine what the outcome of it all would be. Engulfed in her own misery, she tried to think of a way to resolve her situation. She thought about running away but she didn’t have a clue where to go and she also didn’t have the energy so all she could do was wait.
The feigned sickness of earlier became real as hunger gnawed at her stomach but she didn’t want to leave the bedroom as she could imagine her mother standing guard outside the door. Gracie didn’t resent her mother for the beating she had given her; she understood that she’d pushed her to the limit. To have everyone know that their eldest daughter was unmarried and pregnant, especially with father unknown, would be the ultimate disgrace – both in the neighbourhood and at the church. Gracie knew that she had committed the ultimate sin and for that there would be consequences. She just hoped they wouldn’t be as harsh as she was anticipating. She touched her stomach and tried her best not to imagine the baby she knew was inside her, the baby she could no longer pretend didn’t exist.
When Gracie heard her mother’s footsteps going down the bare boards of the stairs, followed by the sound of the front door opening and closing, she took her chance to go and find something to eat. But as she stepped onto the landing so she saw her mother coming back up the stairs.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’ Dot asked.
‘To the kitchen to get something to eat …’ but as Gracie answered she saw someone else standing behind her mother.
‘No you’re not, you’ve got a visitor.’ Dot replied shortly.
‘Good day to you, Gracie. Your mother was telling me you have a problem that needs my help …’
Gracie looked at Father Thomas, the parish priest, and her heart sank. In that instant she knew what was going to happen. Her worst nightmare was about to become reality: she was going to be sent to St Angela’s.
‘Yes, Father …’ was all she could say.
‘Don’t say anything else out here …’ her mother looked around furtively as she whispered to both of them. ‘Wait until we’re somewhere private. There are too many listening ears in this house – I don’t want a soul hearing about this, not a soul …’
Gracie’s knees were shaking as she turned and headed into the living room at the front of the house, followed closely by her mother and the priest. She felt incredibly ashamed having her very personal and private business discussed in front of Father Thomas but at the same time he was someone she quite liked and respected. Gracie sat down on one of the upright chairs that were crowded around the dining table tucked in the bay window and waited passively for him to outline his plan.
‘Now young Gracie, I’m here at your mother’s request to seek a resolution to the problem. We’re thinking you should be going to St Angela’s until this baby is born and then we’ll arrange for it to be adopted by a loving married couple who will raise it as their own. You’re unwed and just eighteen years of age; it will be for the best. There are many good couples in the parish seeking a baby. It’ll be well placed to be having a good future with good married parents.’
Father Thomas’ expression was as kindly as it could be under the circumstances and his tone was calmbut there was no avoiding the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied his words.
‘Thank you,’ Gracie shrugged, aware that her fate was sealed.
She’d known of other girls who’d trod the path to St Angela’s mother and baby home, a large country house on the other side of Rochford which was run by the strictest of nuns, some of whom were nurses, and used by local churchgoing and non-religious parents alike as both a warning and a threat to their daughters … If you get yourself into trouble that’s where you’ll have to go. You’ll get carted off to St Angela’s, and you know what happens there …
That day, when the truth had come out and Gracie had been spirited out of the house and driven away under cover of darkness by a silent stranger, had been a pivotal point in her life. She would remember it clearly forever – because it was the day her relationship with her family had been irreparably damaged.
Gracie hated her mother for sending her away so rapidly with no time for any discussion and no say in her own fate and that of her child’s; she resented her father for not intervening even though she knew deep down that he had no more say in the matter than she herself did, and it upset her that her sisters didn’t understand why she disappeared without a word, never to be a part of the family again.
Gracie had seen a few other girls disappear for a while and then return thinner, sadder and tight-lipped about where they’d been. Everyone guessed they had been to St Angela’s but no one ever spoke about it. It was the bogey-man that had to be avoided at all costs.
Father Thomas had been as kindly as he could be with Dot McCabe standing close beside him and had presented the stay at the home as the only solution for her predicament. Gracie would stay there until the baby was born and adopted, and then she could return home to continue her life with her reputation intact, with no one ever knowing that she had fallen by the wayside.
It had all sounded almost reasonable, until the moment she had been led through the doors of the building that looked just like a large country house from the outside.
But inside the home had been another story altogether.
FIVE (#ulink_65546edb-615f-5441-a676-beeeeecdce73)
Summer 1954
With butterflies that felt the size of blackbirds flapping away inside her stomach, Gracie wandered around the guest lounge at the Thamesview Hotel several times, looking at and touching everything. She ran her fingers along the edge of the marble fireplace, moved a chair a fraction and carefully straightened the new green velvet curtains that framed the sash windows of the room that was going to host her wedding reception. It wasn’t a huge space, but it had a beautiful view out across the estuary and was big enough for the limited number of guests they had invited. Ruby had made good her promise to host their wedding breakfast; the ceremony was to take place in the church just up the road in Shoebury and then the informal reception was being held back at the Thamesview Hotel afterwards.
As Gracie looked around and pondered, she found it hard to believe that in just three days’ time the wedding she had long anticipated would be happening and that she would soon be Sean’s wife. It had only been a few short months since their engagement at the beginning of the year but everything to do with the day was organised down to the last detail, including her beautiful dress that was hanging in wait on the back of the bedroom door.
Gracie tried to calm her pre-wedding nerves by thinking of the occasion rather than the personal aspect of getting married but still she could feel the nerves in her stomach.
After a final look around she closed her eyes and tried to imagine the complex group of invited family and friends in the room together, hopefully laughing, chatting and celebrating her and Sean’s marriage.
Gracie McCabe was hoping against hope that she was making the right decision in marrying Sean Donnelly.
She still felt wary about the two families meeting and how they would all interact, but she was less concerned about her own family being at the wedding after their meeting with Sean had gone so well.
Gracie had been so cautious and nervy when they had arrived at the front door, but her father had immediately welcomed Sean, and encouraged her mother to do likewise. And then Gracie had watched in awe as her new fiancé had turned on the charm and her mother had softened in a way she had never seen before; the normally fierce and abrupt woman practically melting in front of her. It had certainly been an eye-opener to see the feminine side of her mother and it made Gracie smile every time she thought about it. Fred McCabe had been his usual amiable self and her sister Jeanette had giggled girlishly and blushed at Sean’s humorous flattery. Her other sister Jennifer had stayed unobtrusively in the background looking disinterested but despite that Sean had made every effort to charm her and include her in all the conversations.
‘He could charm the birds out of the trees, that one …’ Dot McCabe had said under her breath as they were leaving and Gracie thought that was the nearest thing to a compliment her mother could have uttered. For the first time in all those years she allowed herself to think there was a possibility of a truce between them.
Gracie had been so relieved at the successful outcome, and so buoyed by its success, that it had been a bit of a shock when they’d made the journey to Ireland and she had discovered Sean’s mother was a completely different kettle of fish to the jolly mammy that he himself had described to her.
The instant they had turned up at the Donnelly family home on the outskirts of Dublin, Gracie had realised that she was in for a rough ride. His mother, father, sisters, their respective husbands and some of the nephews and nieces were all waiting outside in a reception line on either side of the garden path and while Sean had excitedly bounced along and said hello to them all, Gracie had been left behind to face a maternal inquisition.
Gracie had done her best to be as charming and receptive as Sean had been to her family but when it came to Sean’s mother she knew immediately that the woman had taken against her on principle. The three days spent in Dublin had been a nightmare for Gracie but she’d survived it by telling herself it wouldn’t have to happen often as they all lived such a long way away.
His mother Rosaleen, two of his sisters and his cousin Patrick were arriving from Ireland the day before the wedding and would be staying at the Thamesview, along with Babs and George Wheaton, Ruby’s foster family from her time in evacuation, and their adopted daughter Maggie, who was going to be a bridesmaid alongside Ruby, her birth mother.
Gracie’s parents and twin sisters were going to be at the wedding, as well as Ruby’s boyfriend, Johnnie Riordan, and a few friends from the Palace.
Everything was in order.
Mrs Sean Donnelly. Get down off the shelf, Miss Gracie McCabe, you’re going to be Mrs Sean Donnelly. You’re going to be a blushing bride … she sang to herself tunelessly as she twirled around in an imaginary waltz across the room and through the doorway, into the reception area. The hotel was eerily empty of ordinary guests, but each room would soon be occupied with the family members and guests who were travelling a distance. Gracie just hoped that everyone would get along for that one day.
As she noted the unusual silence in the building Gracie wondered again at the kindness of her friend Ruby Blakeley, who had forgone four full days of bookings in her hotel to allow room for their wedding guests.
‘Ruby …’ she called. ‘Ruby, where are you? Do you want a cuppa? I’m just going through to the kitchen to make one.’
Ruby put her head out the door on the far side of the hotel reception area and smiled at Gracie.
‘I’m still in the office and yes please, I’m gasping in here. I really wish I could conquer this typewriting lark …’ Ruby said. ‘Actually, shall we go and sit outside, make the most of this very strange peace and quiet? It’s almost spooky, it’s so quiet. This is the first time since I came here that there hasn’t been at least one guest in the building. Even in winter there’s usually someone.’
‘I know. It’s sort of scary …’ Gracie ran across the lobby. ‘Actually, I’ve an even better idea. Let’s go out for the afternoon. No one’s due to turn up until tomorrow evening so we could go and do the things we used to do when we first met, have some fun instead of sitting here all alone, twiddling our thumbs!’
‘Oh yes. I vote for ice cream for lunch and chips for tea, but not too much – you have to fit into your dress on Saturday!’ Ruby laughed. ‘I’ll finish off in here and for once we can just go out and lock up. I’ve had a notice printed for the door to say we’re closed until Monday so we can give it a trial run.’
‘Great. I’ll go and find Henry and let him know he’ll be behind locked doors all alone with the telephone!’
Half an hour later the two friends giggled like schoolgirls as they ran down the steps of the hotel and crossed the road to the promenade.
‘Where shall we start?’ Gracie asked.
‘Kursaal, of course,’ Ruby said. ‘But no more eyeing up the handsome young men who work there, you’re going to be a married woman come Saturday …’
‘But there’s no harm in looking, is there?’ Gracie said mischievously. ‘I mean, who can resist a glimpse of muscle on the arms of a fairground boy?’
‘I suppose not, as it’s a bit of a custom when we go there,’ Ruby grinned as they linked arms and strolled in the direction of the town. It was a perfect day for an afternoon off; the sun was shining, the sea was glistening and both young women were happy in each other’s company.
They walked slowly all along the promenade until they got to the entrance to the Kursaal amusement park; then Gracie and Ruby ran inside, giggling as they raced each other along the path to the first ride. They then slowly made their way around the park in exactly the same way as they had when they had first met in 1946, just weeks after they had both given birth to their first-born but illegitimate babies.
A couple of hours later they stumbled over to the grass that edged the main area of the Kursaal amusement park and fell down in tandem. They were laughing fit to bust after three consecutive rides on the rumbling rollercoaster which had whipped their skirts, blown their hairstyles to smithereens and left them both with bright red cheeks and white knuckles.
‘That was such fun, Rubes,’ Gracie spluttered. ‘We’ve had some good times here together, haven’t we? I hope this isn’t going to be the last time we have fun, what with me getting married and you and Johnny being a real couple all bar the shouting …’
‘Of course it’s bloomin’ well not going to be the last time!’ Ruby said. ‘I tell you what, we should make a pact. Every year on this date we’ll have a day out together where we do stupid things and pretend we’re still silly single girls, even if we’re not. No husbands, no children, just us two.’
‘Oh yes, yes, yes! We’ll meet exactly here on the grass …’ Gracie looked at her wristwatch. ‘At noon, every single year from today, even if we do see each other every day between now and then. Agreed? We’ll call it our Silly Day, even when we’re sixty and decrepit. God willing, of course.’
‘Agreed. God willing,’ Ruby said as she held out her hand. Gracie took it and they marked the agreement with an exaggerated handshake. ‘Now, what next? Shall we walk the pier and have an ice cream before we go back? Big day coming up on Saturday and as the bride you need all the beauty sleep you can get.’ Ruby laughed and pulled a face.
‘As my chief bridesmaid, so do you … especially as we’re both getting on a bit now,’ Gracie said cheekily.
‘Speak for yourself, you’re nearly four years older than me!’
‘You don’t have to remind me; that’s why I was so keen to get that ring on my finger before I really was an old maid. I could see myself turning into Leonora before long.’
Savouring the warm summer sunshine, the two women walked slowly along the seafront from the Kursaal to the pier, talking all the way. They stopped at the boating lake and watched for a while but decided against taking a boat out.
‘Shall we walk down the pier or get the train?’ Ruby asked when they got there.
‘How about we walk to the end and then get the train back?’
‘Okay, chips on the pier and then we can get an ice cream and sit on the beach, it’s such a nice day.’ Gracie said. ‘This will probably be our last real gossip for ages.’
Despite the fact that Gracie would still be working for Ruby at the Thamesview she would no longer be sharing the flat and her life with her and, despite being her best friend, Ruby would no longer be her nearest and dearest. In a few days’ time Sean would take her place, and their lives would take separate paths as a result. Thinking about this, Gracie felt sadness and happiness combined.
‘Okay. Now we’ll go and sit on the sand, like we did that first day …’ Ruby laughed as they queued at a kiosk to buy their ice creams after they arrived back at the pier station. ‘I can tuck my skirt in my knickers and if we wait for the tide to go out we can go paddling in the mud.’
‘Oh yes.’ Gracie shrieked with laughter. ‘Remember that day when I slipped and we had to go back and face the disapproval of Aunt Leonora? I thought she was going to ban me from the hotel forever.’
‘She did grumble a lot, I know, but I think that deep down she was envious of us,’ Ruby said thoughtfully. ‘In her head she would have loved to be out and about being reckless and silly, but she just couldn’t do it. It was all there inside her but she just couldn’t relax enough to let it out. Sad really …’
‘Yeah – I reckon she grumbled because she felt she had to, but actually she bloody enjoyed all the adventures through us without having to loosen her stiff upper lip!’ Gracie smiled.
‘I really miss her,’ Ruby sighed and looked out at the water. ‘She was so good to me. She didn’t even know me but she took me in and let me live with her … I know I moaned about her sometimes but I loved her. I think she must have felt likewise or she wouldn’t have left me Thamesview.’
‘Of course she did, and she left you the hotel because you loved it as much as she did. It was her baby – she gave it to you because she knew you’d take care of it.’
‘Oh, that is such a nice thing to say, Gracie Grace …’
The two young women chatted nostalgically as they walked along, ice creams melting over their hands, looking for somewhere where there weren’t too many other people, where they could sit and reminisce. Eventually finding a spot which wasn’t crowded with day-trippers, they sat on the edge of a narrow strip of pebbly beach that was further away from the Golden Mile of arcades and slot machines.
Tucking their skirts tight under their bare legs, Gracie and Ruby sat down side by side and finished their ice creams in companionable silence, before leaning back and turning their faces to the sun.
After several minutes’ silence, there was a crunching on the pebbles behind them.
‘Excuse me, you two,’ a very correct female voice suddenly said behind them. ‘You don’t mind if we sit here, do you? It’s such a nice spot, away from the noise of all those screaming little kiddywinks further back that way.’
Gracie and Ruby had both been deep in thought, but they sat up quickly and looked round in unison. Two men and a woman were standing behind them, looking ready to settle themselves on the beach near to where they were sitting but politely waiting for a response. One of the men was holding a folded tartan rug over one arm and a cavernous wicker basket on the other and the other man was carrying the jackets they’d obviously taken off because of the sun. There was no doubt they were looking to stay for at least the duration of their picnic.
‘Of course not! It’s a public beach. And we’re leaving in a minute anyway,’ Gracie shrugged, without taking too much notice.
She was surprised at the question and also a bit irritated that other people were settling so close on the beach when there was room a little further away. She really wanted to chat with Ruby and enjoy their last outing together before everything changed; she just wanted a fun day with Ruby before her wedding.
‘Are you here on a day trip?’ the young woman asked as she took the rug from the man, before carefully laying it out just a few feet away from them. Trying to be subtle, Gracie glanced at her.
She was a petite but buxom blonde with a wide smile, classy clothes and a shrill, upper-class voice that carried along the beach. It was obvious she’d dressed for a day at the seaside but without considering the beach.
‘No, we live here,’ Gracie answered politely. ‘We were just having a sit in the sun before we walk home.’
‘How exciting it must be to live at the seaside. We live in the country so we’re just here for the day – we drove down from Saffron Walden this morning. Well, Edward drove. It’s the first time we’ve ever been to Southend and we want to see everything; we’ve already had a good old look around the Kursaal and along by the pier. It’s all such fun! Harry and I went on the lake in a boat …’ she paused and her hand flew up to her mouth.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, you must think we’re so rude.’ She walked round in front of them and held out her hand to both Ruby and Gracie in turn. ‘I’m Louisa, and this is Harry, my darling fiancé …’ she said as she pointed to the man on her left, ‘and this is Edward, his big brother. Harry and I are engaged, we’re getting married next month and Edward will be best man. He came all the way back from Africa especially. How exciting is that?’
‘Shhh, darling,’ the man introduced as Harry said, as he held his hand up in front of her and smiled affectionately. ‘Not everyone wants to know all about our forthcoming nuptials’.
‘I’m sorry, Harry, I’m so excited I want the whole world to know!’ Louisa joined her hands together as if in prayer and almost bowed as she gazed adoringly at her fiancé.
Gracie felt Ruby’s elbow in her ribs and heard her stifled snort but she didn’t react.
She wasn’t looking at Ruby, Louisa or Harry, nor was she listening to them. Instead Gracie had met the gaze of the man introduced as Edward, and she was completely transfixed.
She could feel herself starting to blush, but still she couldn’t look away from the man, who was looking into her eyes with an intensity she couldn’t decipher. There was the slightest hint of a smile around the edges of his mouth that inferred intimacy and Gracie was shocked; not only that he could look at her that way, but also that she didn’t turn away and break the eye contact. She couldn’t – she was hypnotised.
Ruby nudged her again, this time a little harder. ‘Gracie? Haven’t we got to get back? It’s getting late and there’s still a lot to do.’
Ruby’s words were loaded with meaning, but for once Gracie chose to ignore the ‘let’s get out of here’ signal, although she did force herself to look away from the man and break the connection.
‘It’s okay, we’ve got a while, let’s stay just a bit longer,’ she said, her eyes moving from Ruby back to Edward. ‘I’m Gracie by the way and this is my best friend, Ruby …’
‘Pleased to meet you, Gracie, and you, Ruby …’ the man said as his eyes flickered from one to the other before settling on Gracie.
‘Come on now, boys.’ Interrupting the conversation, the young woman clapped her hands sharply. ‘Let’s go and dip a toe in the briney, we didn’t come all this way not to at least get our feet wet. Chop, chop, shoes off, trousers rolled up! Let’s go and see if it’s as nice as it looks …’
Louisa slipped off her shoes and tip-toed barefoot over the stones, down to the edge of the water, where the receding tide was leaving straggling bits of wet seaweed behind on the damp sand. She was wearing yellow tailored knee-length shorts with a tightly fitted matching blouse and had a brightly coloured scarf tied artfully round her neck as a choker. She looked like a film star as she stood with one hand on her hip and the other carefully holding her hair back from her face. There was no denying the fact that she was a beautiful and privileged young woman.
Everyone on the beach turned and watched as she dipped a toe in the chilly water, screamed and then turned and waved madly. Harry was just a few paces behind her, standing on one leg and carefully rolling his trouser legs up to mid-calf, but Edward stayed exactly where he was. Right next to Gracie.
Both brothers were wearing similar beige slacks and white open-necked shirts and both had light brown floppy hairstyles but Edward’s hair was gently sun-lightened across the front and he sported a suntan that was deep and noticeably exotic. Next to him, his brother Harry looked pale and mousey.
‘Come on, Teddy, and you girls as well, this is such fun even if it is freezing! Why is it so cold when the sun is so warm?’ Louisa shouted with a faux shiver as she splashed daintily in the shallows.
Although Edward wasn’t moving, Gracie could see Ruby was tempted as always by the water. ‘Go on, you go and have a splash with them,’ she smiled, ‘I’ll just sit here and relax for a bit. Go on …’
Ruby put her head on one side and looked curiously at her friend for a few moments. ‘Are you feeling okay? I thought you might fancy a bit of a splash around today. It’s such a nice day, and it might be …’
‘No, I’m alright,’ Gracie interrupted quickly. ‘I’m happy to watch for the mo’. I’m comfortable sitting here but I might come down in a bit …’
As Ruby headed towards the water, Edward edged over from the comfort of the rug and sat beside Gracie on the pebble-splattered sand.
‘Let me introduce myself properly. I’m Edward Woodfield, but my close friends call me Teddy. As you know, Harry is my brother and Louisa is his fiancée, and we live in rural Essex. Very rural, out in the sticks Essex, heading up to Suffolk. Saffron Walden. You’ve probably not heard of it!’
‘I’m Gracie McCabe, Southend born and bred … Are you and Harry twins? You look very alike. I have twin sisters.’
‘Not twins, I’m the elder by one year exactly so I always tell everyone I’m the more important Woodfield brother – although I have to say that Harry is the loudest,’ he smiled. ‘Do you mind if I call you Gracie or do you prefer Gracie?’
‘Definitely Gracie, I don’t have the grace to be called Gracie and I get fed up with all the “there but for the grace of God” jokes, so please don’t say it.’ She laughed nervously at her often-told joke.
‘Not true, I think you’re full of grace, but I’ll call you Gracie if I have to. You know, this feels so strange, this isn’t something I expected when I set out from home this morning …’ Edward looked straight into her eyes.
‘What’s strange? There’s nothing strange about sitting on the beach on a nice day, I often do it. Me and Ruby love the beach.’ Not completely sure of his meaning, Gracie glanced away, hoping he wouldn’t notice her face reddening rapidly under his intimate gaze.
‘That isn’t what I mean and I think you know that. It’s strange, sitting here feeling as if I …’
Gracie didn’t say anything but looked at him again, still trying to work out where the conversation was going.
‘You know, I persuaded the others to come and sit over here, told them it was the best spot. I’ve been watching you ever since I saw you on the rollercoaster.’ He smiled as he stared at her. ‘I made them walk all the way to the pier and back with me; I even dragged them onto the pier … that took some persuading, I’m telling you! Luckily the picnic basket was still in the car. Phew …’
‘You were following us? Why would you do that?’ Gracie asked.
‘Because you caught my eye when the rollercoaster came around and I could see you laughing. Then, when I saw you and your friend falling about on the grass afterwards having such fun, I knew straight away that you were exactly the girl I wanted to marry.’
SIX (#ulink_1007c491-b06c-55ca-b9e3-31f64c765402)
Gracie stared open-mouthed at the man sitting beside her on the beach; the stranger she had met not fifteen minutes before. Unsure how to react she shook her head and started to laugh nervously.
‘Oh for God’s sake, what a load of old waffle! How daft do you think I am? Flattery won’t get you nowhere with me. I’m not that kind of girl.’
‘It’s not waffle and I never thought anything other than how beautiful you were. That was what I thought when I saw you, though maybe marry was a declaration too soon.’ Edward pulled a face and paused before looking away in the direction of the sea.
‘Harry would say that was typical of me, not thinking before opening my mouth. He says my social skills need honing, but that was what I felt. I still feel it, sitting here beside you.’
He moved a fraction sideways, until he was so close to Gracie their knees were touching. She knew she should move away but she couldn’t. As the contact remained, so something made her instinctively place her left hand, along with the engagement ring Sean had given her, out of sight under her thigh.
As she did so a wave of guilt hit her. She should be sending the charming stranger on his way, she should be telling him that she didn’t talk to strange men, that she was getting married in just three days’ time. She should be saying to him that her wedding was all booked for Saturday, and that she loved her fiancé. She knew she should tell him all of that, and then stand up and walk away.
But she didn’t.
Instead Gracie remained there, silent and still, and strangely aware of the scent of his cologne, despite knowing full well that she shouldn’t be having feelings like this for anyone, let alone a total stranger.
But despite Edward Woodfield being a stranger, Gracie felt as if she already knew him – because he was exactly how she had always imagined her fantasy man would be. The stranger on the beach was actually the very familiar man of her dreams. He was the right one whom Gracie had always known she would recognise.
Edward was tall and lithe, with long legs and broad shoulders; his features were even, with a charming smile and expressive deep blue eyes that Gracie knew were fixed on her face. But there was a shyness about him that was endearing, and somehow she knew instinctively that he wasn’t just a run-of-the-mill Lothario trying to get off with a local girl at the seaside.
She was momentarily dumbstruck. Old flannel she could easily deal with but open sincerity and genuine declarations were something different.
In the background she could hear Ruby calling her from the water’s edge but her voice seemed far, far away. Gracie focused on her feet, wiggling her toes in her sandals and shaking a few stray grains of sand from between them. Something strange was happening to her and though she wanted to get up and run away from the obvious danger in front of her, she couldn’t.
Even though the touch was so light it was barely there, Edward Woodfield’s leg burned into hers, and she was aware of his fresh breath that was far too close to the side of her face. She carried on looking down and didn’t meet his gaze, but nonetheless she was completely thrown by both the situation and the palpitations that were getting faster by the moment.
And then he moved an inch away from her. He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back with his hands under his head.
‘So, what do you do for a living that has you resident at the seaside, you lucky thing?’ he asked, gently easing the tension of the moment.
‘I’ve always lived here. I was born here – I’m a Southender who’s never lived anywhere else …’ she paused. ‘But you’re not really interested in my life story, are you? It’s pretty boring.’
‘I am and I’m listening. I want to know all about you and then I’ll tell you all about me,’ he smiled.
‘There’s not enough time for all that stuff. Ruby will be back in a minute and then we have to go. I have a lot to do in the next few days …’ she paused. Gracie knew she should tell him about her forthcoming marriage, but instead she hesitated just long enough for him to interrupt.
‘It’s not important; we don’t need to know everything about each other immediately.’
As he smiled, so Gracie unintentionally found herself telling him an outline of her life story. It was a sanitised version, but he proved to be a good listener.
‘And you? What do you do?’ Gracie asked, turning it round to him.
‘I’m an engineer. I work abroad, mostly in Africa, but I’m back home on leave for Harry’s wedding. They’re driving me completely bananas with all the planning and organising; it’s going to be very formal, which is not my sort of thing, but it’s what they want. Or rather, what Louisa wants – and usually whatever Louisa wants, so does poor besotted Harry.’
‘I thought you looked too healthy and suntanned for England,’ Gracie said, carefully avoiding the subject of weddings.
‘Hardly healthy,’ he chuckled. ‘Not that long ago I was burnt to a cinder after a day at the beach and this is the outcome after the top three layers peeled. Luckily I have skin that tans. Gracie, can we meet again? Just the two of us. I can drive down here anytime. I’m in the UK for several more weeks until the wedding. I want to get to know you and for you to know me …’
‘I can’t do that, I really can’t. You see, it’s, it’s …’ Gracie stuttered, unable to get the words out.
‘Of course you can,’ he interrupted with a smile. ‘I’m not going to give up. I want to get to know you, and I want to marry you and whisk you off to Africa with me.’
‘Don’t talk to me like that,’ she snapped. ‘You’re taking the mickey out of me now. I told you, I’m not some stupid little fairground girl who’ll fall for your flannel and flattery and let you have your way, I’m not …’
‘I’m not taking the mickey and I’ve got no other motive. I mean it, I want to get to know you. Please, Gracie? I really mean it and I’ve never done this sort of thing before. Harry would have a pink fit if he knew I was declaring love at first sight to you. It’s just not me.’
He sounded so sincere that Gracie was immediately thrown; she wanted to believe him and to try and understand exactly what was passing between them but she didn’t know what to say and before she had time to think of a response Ruby appeared out of nowhere and stood in front of them. She looked from one to the other, glanced down in the direction of Gracie’s hidden left hand and shook her head.
‘Wow!’ she said with meaning.
‘Wow what?’ Gracie looked up and forced a smile.
‘Just, wow,’ Ruby said with a knowing shake of her head. ‘Shouldn’t we be going back home now? You know, things to do and … well, things to do and guests to prepare for!’
Ruby’s subtle reminder brought Gracie straight back to her senses and, shocked at herself, she jumped up and quickly stepped away from where Edward was sitting. He carefully moved back onto the blanket that Louisa had laid out and made a big show of brushing sand off his trousers, then a few moments later Harry and Louisa were back with them.
‘Picnic time! I’m famished, let’s get the grub set up …’ Louisa said loudly, oblivious to the odd atmosphere on the beach.
Gracie and Ruby both watched as Louisa knelt down and started unpacking the cavernous basket, pulling out two plates of sandwiches, a full-size gala pie, a box of biscuits, a selection of fruit and a large home-baked fruit cake. Drinks followed, along with assorted relishes, a cruet set and a full range of crockery, cutlery and glasses which had been strapped into the sides and lid.
‘Well, that looks really wonderful. I can’t believe you brought all that to the beach …’ Ruby said as she and Gracie watched the ceremonial unpacking in fascination.
‘Join us,’ Edward said. ‘There’s plenty. Our mother still thinks we need feeding up. I think she emptied the refrigerator straight into the basket rather than divide it up.’
‘That’s right,’ Louisa said. ‘Seems she’s given us enough here to feed the forty thousand. If you don’t join us we’ll have to share it with some passing children and those squawking seagulls, I think.’
As she laughed loudly so Harry, her fiancé, joined in appreciatively but Edward merely smiled politely. His eyes, screwed up against the sun, were surreptitiously back on Gracie.
‘I’m sorry, as I said it looks wonderful but we can’t stay,’ Ruby said, taking held of Gracie’s elbow and gently squeezing it. ‘It was lovely to meet you all but we really do have to get back. Work to do …’
‘We do have lots to do but I think we can stay for a bit longer …’ Gracie looked pleadingly at her friend. ‘That spread looks wonderful.’
Ruby looked at her closely for several seconds. ‘Okay, but only if you come for a splash around while the tide’s still up. Come and cool off with me.’
As soon as they were out of earshot, Ruby looked at her friend. ‘What are you playing at – you and that Edward? I saw the way you were looking at each other. Gracie, you were flirting like you’re single!’ Ruby hissed.
‘I’m not playing at anything. Rubes, he said he wants to marry me. He followed us from the Kursaal, he sat there on purpose …’ Gracie said quietly.
Ruby started to laugh but when she saw Gracie’s expression she stopped.
‘Oh for heaven’s sake, that is just stupid. How could he say something like that after five minutes? He must have a screw loose.’
Gracie swished the water around with her feet. ‘Maybe both of us have. There’s something there; he said he felt it and I know I did. It hit me the moment I saw him. I’ve never felt anything like this before. He’s the right one, I know it. Do you believe in love at first sight?’
‘I don’t know – but I do know you’re marrying Sean this Saturday coming, three days’ time.’ Ruby paused. ‘You are going ahead with it, aren’t you? I saw you hiding your ring.’
‘Of course I am but …’ Gracie fiddled with her engagement ring.
‘Gracie, don’t do this. Let’s just go. As soon as we’re back at the hotel it’ll be as if we never met any of them, as if this never happened.’ Ruby grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. ‘I’m telling you, no good can come out of this, let’s make our excuses and leave.’
‘Let’s just stay for an hour or so. That’s all, then we’ll go home and get ready for the wedding. The hotel is empty and there’s not that much to do. I’ll do everything I have to, promise …’ Gracie pleaded. ‘Please? I just need a bit more time. I’m not going to do anything silly, I just want to get to know him a little bit.’
‘You’re playing with fire, Gracie and you’ll regret it if you take it any further, I’m telling you, but it’s your choice. I’m not your mother or Aunt Leonora,’ Ruby said.
‘I think that the real Aunt Leonora will be up there cheering me on, even if it is through pursed lips. She never found the right one, even fleetingly,’ Gracie replied with a smile.
After their few minutes splashing around, Ruby and Gracie walked back up to where Louisa, Edward and Harry were and sat down, just off the picnic rug. Ruby sat next to Louisa and Gracie sat beside her, with Edward at the far end of the semi-circle, in her direct line of vision.
Aware that there were a lot of eyes in the group, Gracie mostly looked at the ground but she didn’t have to look up to know that Edward’s eyes were on her. She could feel them and the pull scared her.
There was no doubt that Louisa was absolutely in charge of the group; she played host with the picnic and also did most of the talking but Gracie didn’t want to join in, her appetite having been replaced by a gnawing combination of nausea and guilt. Her usual common sense had taken flight and she was away in another place … with the man called Edward, whom she had only just met.
Gracie was in a state of confusion. Her forthcoming wedding to Sean had taken up every moment of her day for months and she had been on countdown ever since they had agreed the date. She desperately wanted to be married and have a family of her own, to leave her past behind. But now that it was about to happen, she had been confronted with Edward Woodfield, who on the surface was her dream man. Suddenly Gracie wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore.
‘Who wants an ice cream?’ Edward asked after they’d all finished.
‘I do,’ Louisa put her hand up, ‘but you chaps go and get them while we clear up.’
‘I don’t want to go traipsing round looking for ice cream,’ Harry said grumpily. ‘I seriously need a nap after all that food. There are some empty deckchairs up there; I’m going to get them for us.’
‘You get the chairs and I’ll go and get the ice creams,’ Edward said quickly, ‘but Gracie or Ruby will have to come with me as they know where to go, and I don’t have enough hands for five cornets …’
Ruby rolled her eyes and looked upwards. ‘You go and get the ice creams with him, Gracie. I’ll help clear up …’ she paused for several seconds, ‘but don’t get lost, we’ve got a long shift when we get back’.
Gracie feigned reluctance, but eventually stood up and walked away along the promenade with Edward.
She knew absolutely that she shouldn’t be doing it, that she could be opening a door that should, because of Sean, remain firmly shut but she couldn’t help herself. She felt as if she had suddenly lost all self-control.
Gracie simply wanted to spend some time with Edward Woodfield, the man she had instantly recognised as the right one.
The right one at the wrong time.
SEVEN (#ulink_c835e893-c71e-53da-bfb7-0f04882fc38f)
‘Well? How do I look?’ Gracie asked nervously, as Ruby stepped back after pulling up the zip on her wedding dress. ‘Is it okay? I feel a bit like the fairy on the Christmas tree. I just don’t look like me, do I?’
As Gracie spoke she twirled round on the spot in front of the full-length mirror in her bedroom, making her skirt rise and fall. Her freshly lightened hair was curled and carefully pinned up under her shoulder-length veil making her neck look long and graceful, her minimal make-up was carefully applied, and her stiff new satin shoes were on her feet.
As Gracie stared at herself in the mirror she found it hard to believe that she was the bride and that it was actually her wedding day. She had spent so many years seeing a plain kid in the mirror that it was hard to accept that everything had changed for her.
It was the day she had dreamed of, especially after the trauma of being abandoned by the man who was the father of her illegitimate baby, the baby she had been forced to give up.
Archie Cooper had declared his undying love, charmed her, said he wanted to marry her, bedded her and then disappeared without trace, leaving a fearful and disillusioned Gracie to face the consequences alone, with her dreams in tatters.
But that was all in the past, everything was in the past; she now had Sean Donnelly, a nice young man who loved her and wanted to marry her. Her wedding day had finally arrived.
‘Oh bloody hell, Gracie Grace! You look lovely – all grown up and sophisticated. You look just like a model bride in Woman’s Own or even a movie star! You’re so beautiful.’
‘Beautiful is pushing it, Rubes …’ Gracie laughed.
Ruby clutched her hands to her mouth and looked ready to cry as her friend stopped moving and stood with her arms held out, like a ballerina. The wedding dress was mid-calf length with a fitted silk bodice that was darted and shaped to make the most of Gracie’s figure; it had a full skirt carefully crafted from silk and lace, with a net underskirt to make it stand out and a neckline that was scooped and edged with white satin, as were the fashionable elbow-length sleeves. Her short white lace gloves were the finishing touch to the bride’s ensemble.
All the dresses, Gracie’s and both bridesmaids’ had been home-made by Babs Wheaton, Ruby’s wartime foster mother who was a skilled home dressmaker, as a wedding gift. Gracie was beyond grateful because she could never have afforded something so classy herself.
Ruby’s bridesmaid’s outfit was the same design as Gracie’s but was pale pink satin without the lace or the net underskirts so it hung straight down and fluttered around her calves; Maggie’s was almost the same, but hers was full-length and in a design more suited to a child. Each dress had been carefully made with each person in mind and they all complemented each other.
Gracie turned every which way in front of the mirror as she tried hard to recognise herself. No matter how many years had passed, inside she still felt like the plain child with spots and greasy hair who was never really part of anything, either in school or out. The child who was always called names and excluded from playtime games. Now she was looking at a beautiful young woman who didn’t look in the least bit like the Gracie McCabe she knew.
‘I know I should feel a bit of a hypocrite walking down the aisle in white, what with everything that’s gone on but what could I do? Sean’s family expect it, the virgin bride and all that.’ Gracie frowned as she continued to twist and turn, and study herself from top to toe. ‘I wonder why it’s still the way? My mother is horrified I’m going to wed in church in white but then she’d have died of shame if I turned up in cream. It’s so old-fashioned!’ Gracie pulled a silly face.
‘It’s tradition, I suppose, and the way their generation sees things,’ Ruby said.
‘I suppose. And talking of tradition, where’s my miniature bridesmaid?’ Gracie looked around. ‘Where’s Maggie gone?’
‘She’s already downstairs with Aunty Babs and your dad. She was jumping around like a flea on a flannel with excitement.’ Ruby smiled. ‘She looks so pretty and I’m so proud of her. Sometimes when I see her it’s hard minding my words. Johnnie says the same; she’s our daughter but not a soul except us knows. But she’s having the best upbringing with George and Babs so we just have to be grateful and wait until Maggie is old enough to be told the truth. I hope she understands. We were so young, we had no choice.’
‘You were brave enough to make the right choice, Rubes, you didn’t know Johnnie was going to come back into your life, and Babs and George are fantastic parents to her.’
‘It still hurts, though’, Ruby said. ‘But enough of that, today is about being happy, it’s about you being happy and having a wonderful wedding day’.
She walked over to the open French window and looked out.
‘Well, Gracie Grace, this is it. It’s just you and me up here now. The guests should all be at the church by now and our cars are already outside, all polished and decked out in ribbons and just waiting for us all. Come and look, and it’s such a sunny day …’
As she spoke Ruby went out onto the balcony. Gracie joined her and they both looked down at the cars below.
‘Looks like it’s time to go to the church then, before I get my dress all mucky – you know what I’m like,’ Gracie laughed. ‘A bit of rust from the railings would show up a treat on this dress …’
Ruby didn’t laugh and she didn’t look around, but stayed where she was, looking out towards the horizon.
‘You know it’s not too late to change your mind, really it’s not …’ she said cautiously, without looking at her friend. Her expression was serious for the first time that day. ‘I know you said you don’t want to talk about it again but I have to say this: please, please, please don’t do the wrong thing, just because it’s suddenly the day. You know what they say: marry in haste, repent at leisure. If Sean’s not the one then you’re making a mistake.’
‘Oh of course it’s too bloody late to change my mind, it’s far too late! Can you imagine if I jilted Sean at the altar? I’d have to leave the country straight away! The wedding is planned, and the honeymoon and the flat is ready and waiting, how could I back out of all that?’ Gracie said, shaking her head slowly. ‘And anyway, I don’t want to. This is what I want – a husband, a home, a baby – and I know I’ll get all that with Sean …’
‘It doesn’t have to be with him though, does it? I mean, if it’s someone else you want, if someone else is the right one then is that fair on Sean?’ Ruby persisted.
Gracie shrugged. As far as she was concerned she had made the decision to marry Sean long ago and she was going to stick with it. She had to.
She may have thought Edward Woodfield was the man of her dreams but she was well aware that she didn’t actually know him, not in the way she knew Sean. And even without knowing him, Gracie could see that they were from such different backgrounds and class that even if anything were to happen between them, there was no chance his family would ever agree to them marrying.
It just couldn’t happen and it wouldn’t work, not the way it did with Sean.
‘Oh, Ruby,’ Gracie sighed. ‘I’ve not made the decision in haste, I’ve thought of nothing else. But I’ve known Sean for years, he’s a good man and I’m sure I’m doing the right thing for both of us. We’re the same kind of people: we’re both ordinary and we match. I had a bit of panic the other day, imagining something different but I’m over it now. It was so stupid. I was getting ideas above my station, as my mother would say.’
The two women smiled and waved down to the group of neighbours who were gathering on the pavement outside the hotel, all there to see the bride off. Lots of people that they knew so well, even the small staff from the hotel were out there, waiting.
‘Don’t go putting yourself down, Gracie. No one is better than you and there’s no man too good for you, not even the one whose name you told me not to say!’
Gracie and Ruby moved back from the railings and faced each other.
‘Nice of you to say it, Rubes, but that one was definitely way out of my league. A country house and a London flat and living most of the time in Africa? Can you just imagine me out in Africa? None of that is me, is it? I’m just a local girl who’s been nowhere and done nothing. I couldn’t even keep up with him in a proper conversation.’ She smiled and shook her head. ‘So, let’s go and get on with my wedding day. It’s been long enough coming! Everyone thought I was going to be an old maid.’
‘Oh Gracie, this is just so final. Are you really sure you’re doing the right thing? You can still change your mind …’ Ruby said hesitantly.
‘I’m sure. It was my very own Brief Encounter, like in the film. it was me being daft and getting carried away as usual, but now I’m back where I should be.’ Gracie grinned. ‘You know what a nutcase I can be. Well, this time I’m being sensible: I’m going to marry Sean’.
‘Okay,’ Ruby said with a break in her voice. ‘I suppose if that’s what you really want then it’s time to get down those stairs and off to the church.’
They made their way down to the ground floor, where Gracie’s father was waiting with Babs and George Wheaton and a very excited young Maggie.
‘Can we go now? Pleeease, I want to do what a bridesmaid does …’ the child asked, jumping from foot to foot with excitement. At eight years old, she was tall for her age and confident beyond her years.
‘Yes, we’re going in two minutes. I’m just going to get the flowers and then it’s off to the church,’ Ruby said, looking wistfully at the little girl. ‘You look so beautiful, Maggie. Absolutely beautiful!’
When she came back she handed Gracie her bouquet, gave Maggie her posy and held her own in front of her.
‘Right, Miss Impatient, to the cars …’ she said.
Gracie watched her friend smile at the child, while at the same time blinking to hold back the tears that were building. She knew it wasn’t because of the wedding but because of Maggie, the daughter Ruby could not acknowledge.
The daughter who had been born at the same time as Gracie’s own baby, eight years ago.
With her emotions heightened anyway by the stress of her wedding day, it made Gracie tearful to think of her own baby, the beautiful little boy whom she knew nothing about. But she was determined not to let anything spoil the day so she looked at her father, who was standing slightly away from the group, and forced a smile. ‘Come on, Dad, let’s get to the church. I don’t want to be late.’
Her father smiled and patted her hand. ‘You look beautiful, my little Gracie, I hope you’ll both be as happy as me and your mother, and remember, it’s not all going to be easy, marriage is give and take …’
Gracie wanted to say ‘you give and she takes,’ but she just smiled at him.
The Wheatons and the bridesmaids went ahead to the hotel car which was parked outside, in front of the bridal car. Ruby and Maggie got into the back seat as George Wheaton skilfully moved himself from his wheelchair into the passenger side, leaving his wife to fold the chair and put it in the back, before getting into the driver’s seat.
Everyone waved excitedly as they drove off, leaving just Gracie and her father on the steps, waiting for the right moment. Then, with her arm in his, they walked down to the waiting car where Dr Wheaton’s new driver stood beside the open door, waiting to help them in. As Gracie gathered up her skirt to avoid it creasing or getting caught in the door so a ripple of applause rang out from the people lining the pavement, making her blush. She paused, glanced around and self-consciously waved back.
Then someone caught her eye.
Over the top of their heads she thought for a moment she had seen him standing behind the small group on the nearby corner looking in her direction, but when she looked again, whoever it was had moved.
For a few moments her chest palpitated so much she feared that the fitted bodice on her dress would burst open. Surely he wouldn’t do that? Surely he wouldn’t come here? She asked herself in panic as she looked around again scanning every face, but there was no sign. She wondered fleetingly if Edward Woodfield had come to persuade her to go with him, to jilt Sean at the altar and run away with him to Africa. So many different thoughts flashed through her mind at that moment that she had to shake her head to rid herself of them. She looked all around her once more, just in case, and then climbed into the car to go to the church to marry Sean Donnelly.
Just fifteen minutes later, with the guests all seated and the priest at the altar, Gracie was standing in the cool of the church porch, waiting for the organist to begin playing and give her the cue to start walking. She gripped her father’s arm tight and glanced round at Ruby, who winked reassuringly.
‘Here we go, time to start walking …’ her chief bridesmaid said, as the first notes of ‘Here Comes The Bride’ echoed throughout the church.
Ruby and Maggie followed as Gracie walked down the aisle on her father’s arm. She looked straight ahead and walked confidently but when she got closer and saw Sean standing at the altar with his back to her the enormity of what she was about to do hit her and she was suddenly terrified.
As she looked at the friends and family standing either side of the aisle waiting for her to reach the altar and for the ceremony to begin, it hit her that there really was no going back. This was the moment when her life would change forever. Her chest started pounding again and her feet felt like lead weights in her dainty wedding shoes.
She thought about the signet ring nestling in her jewellery box and felt sick. She had left it too late.
Doubts and uncertainties swelled inside her and she wanted to turn around and run straight out of the church but she didn’t, instead she took the last few steps until she reached Sean’s side. She turned and handed her bouquet to Ruby, who was one step behind her. As her father stepped back, Sean turned to look at her. He smiled widely and whispered, ‘Oh my lord, but you look so beautiful, Gracie …’
Gracie blinked hard and met his gaze. She was there to marry Sean in front of their friends and families and she was sure that was the right thing to do so she forced her doubts away and smiled back. Sean Donnelly knew her and loved her, and that was the most important thing in the world to her at that moment.
Edward Woodfield was a stranger and a nice fantasy man to daydream about in her dotage but Sean Donnelly was the reality, she knew.
EIGHT (#ulink_20fba36b-28ec-5862-a0fd-edc20c2ed42c)
After the bridal car had pulled away from the hotel and driven off in the direction of the church, Edward Woodfield stepped out from the shadows of the nearby doorway. With his head down, he walked briskly in the opposite direction to the spot around the corner where he had parked his own car.
He had wanted to see Gracie, to let her know he was there and to see her reaction but when she had glanced in his direction and almost spotted him, he had instinctively jumped out the way and moved out of sight.
Common sense and his innate good manners told him that what he was doing was disrespectful to both her and her fiancé and, despite his feelings, he had no right to disrupt her wedding day. She had told him three days before, after they had kissed behind the ice cream stand, that she was to be married. He had tried to dissuade her then and there but she had been adamant.
When they had said a very formal goodbye on the beach in front of the others Edward had surreptitiously slipped the gold signet ring from his little finger and pressed it into her hand, wrapped in a piece of paper, when the others weren’t looking.
‘My phone number in Saffron Walden. Think about it Gracie, please. Just think about it and ring me at this number.’
‘I already have thought about it. I’m sorry,’ she whispered as, with no choice but to take it, she slipped it in the side pocket of her skirt.
They all said formal goodbyes to each other and went their separate ways. He had watched Gracie as she walked away and seen her look back just once. She had glanced over her shoulder and smiled at him, then turned back and walked away with Ruby.
He had watched her go and then sat down with Harry and Louisa, and tried to act as if nothing had happened.
‘Nice girls …’ Louisa said. ‘Both of them. Can you imagine being responsible for a hotel at that age? They must work really hard.’
‘I wasn’t sure about them,’ Harry said. ‘The taller one was wearing an engagement ring, I noticed, nothing like as nice as Louisa’s so I doubt they’ve got much money.’
‘Heavens darling, you’re observant! I didn’t notice a ring but I did think she was flirting with Teddy; that was a bit naughty if she’s engaged.’ Louisa paused and looked at Edward. ‘She looked as if she’s really taken a shine to you, what do you think?’
Harry laughed and answered instead. ‘I thought they were nice enough but somewhat common. Can you imagine staying in a hotel run by those two?’
‘It’s a hotel for widows and spinsters, you idiot,’ Edward snapped. ‘And at least they work for a living. You should try it sometime; you’ve done nothing apart from play at soldiers …’
Harry and Louisa both stared at him, but before they could say anything Edward started piling stuff into the picnic basket.
‘It’s time we headed back. I’ve had enough of the seaside.’
‘What’s got into you, Teddy?’ Louisa asked as she studied his face, carefully looking for a clue.
‘I just want to get back. It’s a long drive …’ He took a deep breath and forced a smile. ‘Sorry I snapped at you both. Just ignore me, the sea air has worn me out.’
Harry still looked hurt but Louisa simply stared at him knowingly.
‘You’re right, Teddy darling. It’s time to get away from here.’
Earlier that morning on the day of Gracie’s wedding and after a long sleepless night, he’d jumped into his car on the spur of the moment and driven at top speed from Saffron Walden in North Essex all the way down to Southend on the coast. Edward hadn’t given his action a great deal of thought so he didn’t really know what he was intending to do, but something inside was making him want to see what would happen.
Logically he knew there was little chance of Gracie McCabe, the girl he had met and fallen in love with, not going through with her wedding, but he still had the urge to be there and to see for certain. He just hoped it would help him deal with his irrational feelings for the young woman he barely knew.
From the moment he could walk and talk Edward had been the sensible one in the Woodfield-Barnes family. He was far more mature than his brother, who was almost the same age and, in many ways, he was more mature than either of his parents, who were both unworldly, wealthy eccentrics, wrapped up in their own little bubble of extravagant and luxurious living.
His father was a passable artist who, although he sold the odd piece of work, had an elaborate studio full of unsold canvases and his mother always described herself as an author but she had only ever sat down in front of a typewriter when she was bored and had never even finished a manuscript, let alone had anything published.
Neither of them had made any money out of any of their various ventures over the years, but they had no need to, as they lived very comfortably courtesy of a vast inheritance of estate and income from the Barnes side of the family. They divided their time between their classic country house in Saffron Walden and their art deco apartment in central London, flitting happily between the differing lifestyle of town and country, interspersed with trips to the South of France when they were bored. It was a very privileged lifestyle that they enjoyed to the full.
Edward senior and his wife Elspeth were perfectly suited to each other. They were both dreamers and they lived life with their heads in the clouds, floating happily above the nitty gritty of everyday life. They were a pleasant and popular couple who loved each other and who also loved their two sons, albeit in a rather detached way, keeping them in the periphery of their lives. When they were younger, a series of nannies and boarding schools had provided the majority of Edward and Harry’s care and then, when they were grown, the relationship had become more like one between siblings than parents and their offspring.
Their younger son Harry took after his father. He was equally airy with no real aspirations of his own, other than to be married to the seemingly vacuous but very beautiful Louisa, the daughter of a diplomat, who he had met during his enforced spell in the army. Edward sometimes wondered if she was only with Harry because of his potential inheritance, but he never said anything because they were as happy as two children in the playground.
Somehow Edward junior had missed out on the happy-go-lucky family gene and was, to his parents’ dismay, eminently sensible and down-to-earth.
Almost from birth Edward had been the serious one in the family, a bit of a loner who was happy in his own company. Growing up he was quiet and hard-working and had always liked nothing better than to shut himself away in the study with a pile of books and some complex problems to solve.
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Marie Maxwell
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Современная зарубежная литература
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 28.04.2024
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О книге: A gripping saga, richly evocative of the period, featuring the gutsy and determined Gracie, determined to start again…Can you ever escape your past?Gracie McCabe is building a new life for herself in the Essex seaside town of Southend working alongside best friend Ruby; she’s put her past to rest and is planning her future.All that is missing is a family of her own, Gracie desperately wants a baby so when boyfriend Sean proposes she accepts without hesitation.But a chance meeting before the wedding gives her doubts and when old secrets come back to haunt her, it seems that Sean is not the rock of strength she expected him to be.Will Gracie find her happy ever after or will she be betrayed and abandoned once again?The hard-hitting and heartbreaking new novel from the author who bought you Ruby. Perfect for fans of Katie Flynn and Dilly Court.