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Everyone Worth Knowing
Lauren Weisberger


From the bestselling author of The Devil Wears Prada, comes a no-holds barred expose of the world of the Manhattan super-rich.Bette gets paid to party …Well, to plan them, anyway. And she can hardly believe her luck. Running with celebs, gaining VIP access to Manhattan's hottest spots and meeting 'everyone worth knowing' is a million miles away from her old banking job. Overnight, New York has become her sexy late-night playground.But quicker than you can say Birkin bag, Bette turns up in the gossip columns as girlfriend to a notorious British playboy. It's news to her – but news that delights her publicity-hungry new boss.Her family and old friends, however, think it's not very Bette. What happened to the girl they know and love – who always had time for romantic novels, 80s music and junk food, not to mention them?As her new and old worlds threaten to collide, can Bette say goodbye to the glamour and the Gucci, the parties and the Prada, and step back into the real world – and find a prince who's got a heart to match his charm?























Copyright (#ulink_2d634196-1463-590f-bef5-2532f59eb5a5)


Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London, SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2005

Copyright © Lauren Weisberger 2005

Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2013

Lauren Weisberger asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780007182657

Ebook Edition © May 2013 ISBN: 9780007494361

Version: 2016-04-27


To my grandparents:This should help them remember which grandchild I am.


Contents

Cover (#ua47ce343-eeb8-55e1-803b-4d6e1b374936)

Title Page (#ue7171801-f1d8-587e-989a-ce6421c509e1)

Copyright (#u25933f3c-5f04-54ff-9b73-6890db80b653)

Dedication (#uc286c7a9-ec43-502f-9b9e-881f153bd2f0)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Acknowledgments

About the Author (#u14100b80-1c9c-5bfb-af5c-ced8c9830e6a)

Also by Lauren Weisberger (#uf0217049-e989-5605-95e8-6401bae52a70)

About the Publisher (#ubf18df48-2252-583e-be28-81f7eb4a163b)




1 (#udd89c3a8-2829-5bfa-adf2-4ff67959b207)


How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?

—From ‘Baby, You’re a Rich Man’ (1967) by John Lennon and Paul McCartney



Though I’d caught only the briefest glimpse from the corner of my eye, I knew immediately that the brown creature darting across my warped hardwood floors was a water bug – the largest, meatiest insect I’d ever seen. The superbug had narrowly avoided skimming across my bare feet before it disappeared under the bookcase. Trembling, I forced myself to practice the chakra breathing I’d learned during an involuntary week at an ashram with my parents. My heart rate slowed slightly after a few concentrated breaths of re on the inhale and lax on the exhale, and within a few minutes I was functional enough to take some necessary precautions. First I rescued Millington (who was also cowering in terror) from her hiding place under the couch. Then, in quick succession, I zipped on a pair of knee-high leather boots to cover my exposed legs, opened the door to the hallway to encourage the bug’s departure, and began spraying the extra-strong black-market vermin poison on every available surface in my minuscule one-bedroom. I gripped the trigger as though it were an assault weapon and was still spraying when the phone rang nearly ten minutes later.

The caller ID flashed with Penelope’s number. I almost screened her before I realized that she was one of only two potential refuges. Should the water bug manage to live through the fumigation and cruise through my living room again, I’d need to crash with her or Uncle Will. Unsure where Will was tonight, I decided it’d be wise to keep the lines of communication intact. I answered.

‘Pen, I’m under attack by the largest roach in Manhattan. What do I do?’ I asked the second I picked up the phone.

‘Bette, I have NEWS!’ she boomed back, clearly indifferent to my panic.

‘News more important than my infestation?’

‘Avery just proposed!’ Penelope shrieked. ‘We’re engaged!’

Goddammit. Those two simple words – we’re engaged – could make one person so happy and another so miserable. Autopilot quickly kicked in, reminding me that it would be inappropriate – to say the least – if I were to verbalize what I really thought. He’s a loser, P. He’s a spoiled, stoner little kid in the body of a big boy. He knows you’re out of his league and is putting a ring on your finger before you realize it as well. Worse, by marrying him you will be merely biding your time until he replaces you with a younger, hotter version of yourself ten years down the line, leaving you to pick up the pieces. Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!

‘Ohmigod!’ I shrieked right back. ‘Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!’

‘Oh, Bette, I knew you would be. I can barely even speak, it’s just all happening so fast!’

So fast? He’s the only guy you’ve dated since you were nineteen. It’s not like this wasn’t expected – it’s been eight years. I just hope he doesn’t catch herpes at his bachelor party in Vegas.

‘Tell me everything. When? How? Ring?’ I rattled off questions, playing the best friend role fairly believably, I thought, all things considered.

‘Well, I can’t talk too long because we’re at the St Regis right now. Remember how he insisted on picking me up for work today?’ Before waiting for my answer, she raced breathlessly ahead. ‘He had a car waiting outside and told me it was just because he couldn’t get a cab, and said that we were expected for dinner at his parents’ house in ten minutes. Of course, I was a little annoyed that he hadn’t even asked if I wanted to go to dinner there – he’d said he’d made reservations at Per Se, and you know how tough it is to get in there – and we were having pre-drinks in the library when in walked both our parents. Before I knew what was happening, he was down on one knee!’

‘In front of all your parents? He did the public proposal?’ I knew I sounded horrified, but I couldn’t help it.

‘Bette, it was hardly public. It was our parents, and he said the sweetest things in the world. I mean, we never would’ve met if it weren’t for them, so I can see his point. And get this – he gave me two rings!’

‘Two rings?’

‘Two rings. A seven-carat flawless round in platinum that was his great-great-grandmother’s for the real ring, and then a very pretty three-carat ascher-cut with baguettes that’s much more wearable.’

‘Wearable?’

‘It’s not as though you can roam the streets of New York in a seven-carat rock, you know. I thought it was really smart.’

‘Two rings?’

‘Bette, you’re incoherent. We went from there to Per Se, where my father even managed to turn off his cell phone for the duration of dinner and make a reasonably nice toast, and then we went for a carriage ride in Central Park, and now we’re at a suite in the St Regis. I just had to call and tell you!’

Where, oh where, had my friend gone? Penelope, who’d never even shopped for engagement rings because she thought they all looked the same, who had told me three months earlier when a mutual college friend had gotten engaged in the back of a horse-drawn carriage that it was the tackiest thing on earth, had just morphed into a very close approximation of a Stepford Wife. Was I just bitter? Of course I was bitter. The closest I’d come to getting engaged was reading the wedding announcements in The New York Times, aka the Single Girls’ Sports Page, every Sunday at brunch. But that was beside the point.

‘I’m so glad you did! And I can’t wait to hear every last detail, but you’ve got an engagement to consummate. Get off the phone with me and go make your fiancé happy. How weird does that sound? “Fiancé.’’ ’

‘Oh, Avery’s on a call from work. I keep telling him to hang up’ – she announced this loudly for his benefit – ‘but he just keeps talking and talking. How has your night been?’

‘Ah, another stellar Friday. Let’s see. Millington and I took a walk over to the river, and some homeless guy gave her a biscuit along the way, so she was really happy, and then I came home, and hopefully killed what must be the largest insect in the tristate area. I ordered Vietnamese, but I threw it out when I remembered reading that some Vietnamese place near me was shut down for cooking dog, and so now I’m about to dine on reheated rice and beans and a packet of stale Twizzlers. Oh, Christ, I sound like a Lean Cuisine commercial, don’t I?’

She just laughed, clearly having no words of comfort at that particular moment. The other line clicked, indicating that she had another call.

‘Oh, it’s Michael. I have to tell him. Do you care if I three-way him in?’ she asked.

‘Sure. I’d love to hear you tell him.’ Michael would undoubtedly commiserate with me over the entire situation once Penelope hung up since he hated Avery even more than I did.

There was a click, which was followed by a brief silence and then another click. ‘Everyone there?’ Penelope squealed. This was not a girl who normally squealed. ‘Michael? Bette? You guys both on?’

Michael was a colleague of mine and Penelope’s at UBS, but since he’d made VP (one of the youngest ever) we’d seen much less of him. Though Michael had a serious girlfriend, it took Penelope’s engagement to really drive the point home: we were growing up.

‘Hi, girls,’ Michael said, sounding exhausted.

‘Michael, guess what? I’m engaged!’

There was the tiniest beat of hesitation. I knew that, like me, Michael wasn’t surprised, but he would be trying hard to formulate a believably enthusiastic response.

‘Pen, that’s fantastic news!’ he all but shouted into the phone. His volume did much to compensate for the lack of any genuine joy in his voice, and I made a mental note to remember that for next time.

‘I know!’ she sang back. ‘I knew you and Bette would be so happy for me. It just happened a few hours ago, and I’m so excited!’

‘Well, we’ll obviously have to celebrate,’ he said loudly. ‘Black Door, just the three of us, multiple shots of something strong and cheap.’

‘Definitely,’ I added, happy for something to say. ‘A celebration is most definitely in order.’

‘Okay, honey!’ Penelope called into the distance, our drinking plans understandably of little interest. ‘Guys, Avery’s off the phone and is pulling on the cord. Avery, stop! I’ve got to run, but I’ll call you both later. Bette, see you at work tomorrow. Love you both!’

There was a click and then Michael said, ‘You still there?’

‘Sure am. Do you want to call me or should I call you?’ We’d all learned early on that you couldn’t trust that the third line had disconnected and therefore always took the precaution of starting a new call before talking shit about the person who’d hung up first.

I heard a high-pitched voice in the background and he said, ‘Dammit, I just got paged. I can’t talk now. Can we talk tomorrow?’

‘Sure. Say hi to Megu for me, okay? And Michael? Please don’t go and get engaged anytime soon. I don’t think I can handle you, too.’

He laughed. ‘You don’t have to worry about that, I promise. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. And Bette? Chin up. He might be one of the worst guys either of us has ever met, but she seems happy, and that’s all you can ask for, you know?’

We hung up and I stared at the phone for a few minutes before twisting my body out the window in a futile attempt to see a few inches of comforting river landscape; the apartment wasn’t much, but it was, thankfully, all mine. I hadn’t shared it in the nearly two years since Cameron had moved out, and even though it was so long and narrow that I could stretch my legs out and almost touch the opposite wall and even though it was located in Murray Hill and even though the floorboards were warping slightly and the water bugs had taken over, I had reign over my own private palace. The building was a cement monstrosity on Thirty-fourth and First, a multi-winged behemoth that housed such illustrious tenants as one teenage member of a dismantled boy band, one professional squash player, one B-list porn star and her stable of visitors, one average Joe, one former childhood actress who hadn’t worked in two decades, and hundreds upon hundreds of recent college graduates who couldn’t quite handle the idea of leaving the dorm or the fraternity house for good. It had sweeping East River views, as long as one’s definition of ‘sweeping views’ includes a construction crane, a couple of Dumpsters, a brick wall from the building next door, and a patch of river approximately three inches wide that is only visible through unfathomable acts of contortion. All of this glory was mine for the equivalent monthly cost of a four-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bath single-family home upstate.

While still twisted on the couch, I reviewed my reaction to the news. I thought I’d sounded sincere enough, if not downright ecstatic, but Penelope knew ecstatic wasn’t in my nature. I’d managed to ask about the rings – plural – and to state that I was very happy for her. Of course, I hadn’t mustered up anything truly heartfelt or meaningful, but she was probably too giddy to notice. Overall: a solid B-plus performance.

My breathing had normalized enough to smoke another cigarette, which made me feel slightly better. The fact that the water bug hadn’t resurfaced yet helped, too. I tried to assure myself that my unhappiness stemmed from my genuine concern that Penelope was marrying a truly terrible guy and not from some deep-rooted envy that she now had a fiancé when I didn’t have so much as a second date. I couldn’t. It had been two years since Cameron had moved out, and though I’d cycled through the requisite stages of recovery (job obsession, retail obsession, and food obsession) and had gone on the usual round of blind dates, drinks-only dates, and the rarer full-dinner dates, only two guys had made third-date status. And none had made fourth. I told myself repeatedly that there wasn’t anything wrong with me – and regularly made Penelope confirm this – but I was seriously beginning to doubt the validity of that statement.

I lit a second cigarette off the first and ignored Millington’s disapproving doggy stare. The self-loathing was beginning to settle upon my shoulders like a familiar, warm blanket. What kind of evil person couldn’t express genuine, sincere happiness on one of the happiest days of her best friend’s life? How conniving and insecure does one have to be to pray that the whole thing turns out to be a giant misunderstanding? How did I get to be so wretched?

I picked up the phone and called Uncle Will, looking for some sort of validation. Will, aside from being one of the brightest and bitchiest people on the planet, was my perpetual cheerleader. He answered the phone with the slightest gin-and-tonic slur and I proceeded to give him the short, less-painful version of Penelope’s ultimate betrayal.

‘It sounds as though you feel guilty because Penelope is very excited and you’re not as happy for her as you should be.’

‘Yeah, that’s right.’

‘Well, darling, it could be far worse. At least it’s not some variation on the theme where Penelope’s misery is providing you with happiness and fulfillment, right?’

‘Huh?’

‘Schadenfreude. You’re not emotionally or otherwise benefiting from her unhappiness, right?’

‘She’s not unhappy. She’s euphoric. I’m the unhappy one.’

‘Well, there you have it! See, you’re not so terrible. And you, my dear, are not marrying that spoiled little brat whose only God-given talents appear to be spending his parents’ money and inhaling large quantities of marijuana. Am I mistaken?’

‘No, of course not. It just feels like everything’s changing. Penelope’s my life, and now she’s getting married. I knew it would happen eventually, but I just didn’t think eventually would be so soon.’

‘Marriage is for the bourgeoisie. You know that, Bette.’

This triggered a series of mental images of Sunday brunches through the years: Will, Simon, the Essex, me and the Sunday Styles section. We’d dissect the weddings for the duration of brunch, never failing to collapse into evil giggles as we creatively read between the lines.

Will continued. ‘Why on earth are you eager to enter into a lifelong relationship, the only purpose of which is to strangle every iota of individuality out of you? I mean, look at me. Sixty-six years old, never married, and I’m perfectly happy.’

‘You’re gay, Will. And not only that, but you wear a gold band on the ring finger of your left hand.’

‘So what’s your point? You think I’d actually marry Simon, even if I could? Those same-sex, San Francisco city hall weddings aren’t exactly my scene. Not on your life.’

‘You’ve been living with him since before I was born. You do realize that you are, essentially, married.’

‘Negative, darling. Either one of us is free to leave at any point, without any messy legal or emotional ramifications. And that’s why it works. But enough of that; I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Tell me about the ring.’ I filled him in on the details he really cared about while munching the remaining Twizzlers, and didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep on the couch until close to 3 A.M., when Millington woofed her desire to sleep in a real bed. I dragged us both to my room and buried my head under the pillow, reminding myself over and over that this was not a disaster. Not a disaster. Not a disaster.




2 (#udd89c3a8-2829-5bfa-adf2-4ff67959b207)


Just my luck that Penelope’s engagement party fell on a Thursday night – the night of my standing dinner date with Uncle Will and Simon. Neither appointment could be denied. I stood in front of my ugly, postwar, high-rise Murray Hill apartment building, desperately trying to escape to my uncle’s huge duplex on Central Park West. It wasn’t rush hour, Christmas, shift change, or torrentially pouring, but a cab was nowhere to be found. I had been whistling, screaming, and jumping skywards like a lunatic for twenty minutes to no avail, when a lone cab finally pulled up to the curb. The cabbie’s response when I requested to go uptown was ‘Too much traffic!’ before he screeched off and disappeared. When a second driver actually picked me up, I ended up tipping him 50 percent out of relief and gratitude.

‘Hey, Bettina, you look unhappy. Is everything okay?’ I’d insisted that people call me Bette, and most did. Only my parents and George, Uncle Will’s doorman (who was so old and cute he could get away with anything), still insisted on using my full name.

‘Just the usual cab hassle, George.’ I sighed, giving him a peck on the cheek. ‘How’s your day been?’

‘Oh, just dandy as always,’ he replied without a hint of sarcasm. ‘Saw the sun for a few minutes this morning and have been happy ever since.’ Nauseating.

‘Bette!’ I heard Simon call from the lobby’s discreetly hidden mailroom. ‘Is that you I hear, Bette?’

He emerged from the mailroom in tennis whites, a racket-shaped bag slung over his broad shoulders, and picked me up in a bear hug as no straight man ever had. It was sacrilege to skip a weekly dinner, which in addition to being a good time also provided by far the most male attention I received (not counting brunch).

Will and Simon had developed lots of rituals in the almost thirty years they’d spent together. They vacationed in only three places: St Barth’s in late January (although lately Will had been complaining that it was ‘too French’), Palm Springs in mid-March, and an occasional spontaneous weekend in Key West. They drank gin and tonics only out of Baccarat glasses, spent every Monday night from seven until eleven at Elaine’s, and hosted an annual holiday party where each would wear a cashmere turtleneck. Will was almost six-three, with close-cropped silver hair, and he preferred sweaters with suede elbow patches; Simon was barely five-nine, with a wiry, athletic build that he swathed entirely in linen, irrespective of the season. ‘Gay men,’ he’d say, ‘have carte blanche to flout fashion convention. We’ve earned the right.’ Even now, moments off the tennis court, he’d managed to don some sort of white linen hoodie.

‘Gorgeous girl, how are you? Come, come, Will is sure to be wondering where we both are, and I just know that the new girl has prepared something fantastic for us to eat.’ Always the perfect gentleman, he took my exploding tote bag from my shoulder, held the elevator door open, and pressed PH.

‘How was tennis?’ I asked, wondering why this sixty-year-old man had a better body than every guy I knew.

‘Oh, you know how it is, a bunch of old guys running around the court, tracking down balls they shouldn’t even try for and pretending they’ve got strokes like Roddick. A little pathetic, but always amusing.’

The door to their apartment was slightly ajar and I could hear Will talking to the TV in the study, as usual. In the old days, Will had scooped Liza Minnelli’s relapse and RFK’s affairs and Patty Hearst’s leap from socialite to cult member. It was the ‘amorality’ of the Dems that finally pushed him toward politics instead of all things glamorous. He called it the Clinton Clinch. Now, a few short decades later, Will was a news junkie with political affiliations that ran slightly to the right of Attila the Hun’s. He was almost certainly the only gay right-wing entertainment-and-society columnist living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan who refused to comment on either entertainment or society. There were two televisions in his study, the larger of which he kept tuned to Fox News. ‘Finally,’ he was fond of saying, ‘a network that speaks to my people.’

And always Simon’s retort: ‘Riiight. That huge audience of right-wing gay entertainment-and-society columnists living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan?’

The smaller set constantly rotated between CNN, CNN Headline News, C-SPAN, and MSNBC, perpetrators of what Will referred to as ‘The Liberal Conspiracy.’ A handwritten sign sat atop the second TV. It read: KNOW YOUR ENEMY.

On CNN, Aaron Brown was interviewing Frank Rich about the media coverage surrounding the last election. ‘Aaron Brown is a lily-livered milquetoast pantywaist!’ Will snarled as he put down his crystal tumbler and hurled one of his Belgian shoes at the TV.

‘Hi, Will,’ I said, helping myself to a handful of the chocolate-covered raisins he always kept in an Orrefors bowl on his desk.

‘Of all the people qualified to discuss politics in this country, to offer some insight or an intelligent opinion on how media coverage did or did not affect these elections, and these idiots have to interview someone from The New York Times? The whole place is more bleeding than a rare steak, and I need to sit here and listen to their opinion on this?’

‘Well, not really, Will. You could turn it off, you know.’ I suppressed a smile as his eyes stayed riveted ahead. I silently debated with myself how long it would take for him to refer to The New York Times as Izvestia, or to bring up the Jayson Blair debacle as further proof that the paper’s trash at best and a conspiracy against honest, hardworking Americans at worst.

‘What, and miss Mr Aaron Brown’s blatantly opinionated coverage of Mr Frank Rich’s blatantly opinionated coverage of whatever the hell they’re talking about? Seriously, Bette, let us not forget that this is the very same paper whose reporters simply create stories when deadline looms.’ He took a swig and jabbed at the remote to silence both televisions simultaneously. Only fifteen seconds tonight – a record.

‘Enough for now,’ he said, hugging me and giving me a quick peck on the cheek. ‘You look great, honey, as always, but would it kill you to wear a dress once in a while?’

He’d not so deftly moved to discussing his second-favorite topic, my life. Uncle Will was nine years older than my mom and both swore they’d been born to the very same set of parents, but it seemed impossible to comprehend. My mother was horrified I’d taken a corporate job that required me to wear something other than caftans and espadrilles, and my uncle thought the travesty was the suit as uniform instead of some killer Valentino gown or a fabulous pair of strappy Louboutins.

‘Will, it’s just what they do at investment banks, you know?’

‘So I’ve gathered. I just didn’t think you’d end up in banking.’ That again.

‘Your people, like, love capitalism, don’t they?’ I teased. ‘The Republicans, I mean – not so much the gays.’

He raised his bushy gray eyebrows and peered at me from across the couch. ‘Cute. Very cute. It’s nothing against banking, darling, I think you know that. It’s a fine, respectable career – I’d rather see you doing that than any of those hippie-dippy-save-the-world jobs your parents would recommend – but you just seem so young to lock yourself into something so boring. You should be out there meeting people, going to parties, enjoying being young and single in New York, not tied down to a desk in a bank. What do you want to do?’

As many times as he’d asked me this, I’d never come around to a great – or even decent – answer. It was certainly a fair question. In high school I’d always thought I’d join the Peace Corps. My parents had taught me that that was the natural step following a college degree. But then I went to Emory and met Penelope. She liked that I couldn’t name every private school in Manhattan and knew nothing about Martha’s Vineyard, and I, of course, loved that she could and did. We were inseparable by Christmas break, and by the end of freshman year, I had discarded my favorite Dead T-shirts. Jerry was long dead, anyway. And it was fun going to basketball games and keg parties and joining the coed touch-football league with a whole group of people who didn’t regularly dread their hair, or recycle their bathwater, or wear patchouli oil. I didn’t stand out as the eccentric girl who always smelled a little bit off and knew way too much about the redwoods. I wore the same jeans and T-shirts as everyone else (without even checking to see if they originated in a sweatshop) and ate the same burgers and drank the same beer, and it felt fantastic. For four years I had a group of similar-minded friends and the occasional boyfriend, none of whom were Peace Corps-bound. So when all the big companies showed up on campus waving giant salaries and signing bonuses and offering to fly candidates to New York for interviews, I did it. Nearly every one of my friends from school took a similar job, because when you get right down to it, how else is a twenty-two-year-old going to be able to pay rent in Manhattan? What was incredible about the whole thing was how quickly five years had gone by. Five years had just vanished into a black hole of training programs and quarterly reports and year-end bonuses, leaving barely enough time for me to consider that I loathed what I did all day long. It didn’t help matters that I was actually good at it – it somehow seemed to signify that I was doing the right thing. Will knew it was wrong, though, could obviously sense it, but so far I’d been too complacent to make the leap into something else.

‘What do I want to do? How on earth can I answer something like that?’ I asked.

‘How can you not? If you don’t get out soon, you’re going to wake up one day when you’re forty and a managing director and jump off a bridge. There’s nothing wrong with banking, darling, it’s just not for you. You should be around people. You should laugh a little. You should write. And you should be wearing much better clothes.’

I didn’t tell him I was considering looking for work at a nonprofit. He’d start ranting about how his campaign to unbrainwash me from my parents had failed, and he’d sit dejectedly at the table for the rest of the evening. I’d tried it once, just merely mentioned that I was thinking of interviewing at Planned Parenthood, and he’d informed me that while that was a most noble idea, it would lead me straight back down the path to rejoining, in his words, the World of the Great Unshowered. So we proceeded to cover the usual topics. First came my nonexistent love life (‘Darling, you’re simply too young and too pretty for your job to be your only lover’), followed by a bit of ranting about Will’s latest column (‘Is it my fault that Manhattan has become so uneducated that people no longer wish to hear the truth about their elected officials?’). We cycled back to my high school days of political activism (‘The Incense Era is blessedly over’), and then once again returned to everyone’s all-time favorite topic, the abject state of my wardrobe (‘Ill-fitting, masculine trousers do not a date outfit make’).

Just as he was beginning a small soliloquy on the far-reaching benefits of owning a Chanel suit, the maid knocked on the study door to inform us that dinner was on the table. We collected our drinks and made our way to the formal dining room.

‘Productive day?’ Simon asked Will, kissing him on the cheek in greeting. He had showered and changed into a pair of Hefesque linen pajamas and was holding a glass of champagne.

‘Of course not,’ Will responded, setting aside his dirty martini and pouring two more glasses of champagne. He handed one to me. ‘Deadline’s not until midnight; why would I do a damn thing until ten o’clock tonight? What are we celebrating?’

I dug into my Gorgonzola salad, grateful to be eating something that hadn’t originated in a street cart, and took a gulp of champagne. If I could have somehow finagled eating there every night without appearing to be the biggest loser on earth, I would’ve done it in a second. But even I had enough dignity to know that being available for the same people – even if they were your uncle and his partner – more than once a week for dinner and once for brunch was truly pathetic.

‘What, we need to be celebrating something to drink a little champagne?’ Simon asked, helping himself to a few pieces of the sliced steak their housekeeper had made for the main course. ‘Just thought it would be a nice change. Bette, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?’

‘Penelope’s engagement party. I’m going to have to head there soon, actually. The mothers put the whole thing together before either Avery or Penelope could veto it. At least it’s at some club in Chelsea, though, rather than somewhere on the Upper East Side – I think that was their one concession to their children actually enjoying themselves.’

‘What’s the name of the club?’ Will asked, although there was little chance he knew anything about it if it wasn’t dark, wood-paneled, and filled with cigar smoke.

‘She mentioned it, but I can’t remember. Begins with a B, I think. Here,’ I said, pulling a torn slip of paper from my bag. ‘It’s on Twenty-seventh between Tenth and Eleventh. It’s called—’

‘Bungalow 8,’ they replied in unison.

‘How did you both know that?’

‘Honey, it’s mentioned so often in Page Six that you’d think Richard Johnson owned the damn place,’ Will said.

‘I read somewhere that it was originally modeled after the bungalows at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and that the service is just as good. It’s just a nightclub, but this article described a concierge who will cater to any whim, from ordering in a special kind of rare sushi to arranging for helicopters. There are places that are hot for a few months and then vanish, but everyone agrees that Bungalow 8 has staying power,’ Simon said.

‘I guess sitting at the Black Door on my nights out isn’t really helping my social life,’ I said and pushed my plate away. ‘Do you guys mind if I bail early tonight? Penelope wanted me there before the hordes of Avery’s friends and her family arrive.’

‘Run, Bette, run. Stop only to reapply your lipstick and then run! And it wouldn’t hurt a damn if you found yourself a dashing young gentleman to date,’ Simon declared, as though there would be roomfuls of gorgeous, eligible guys who were just waiting for me to walk into their lives.

‘Or even better, a dashing young bastard to play with for one evening.’ Will winked, only half-kidding.

‘You guys are the best,’ I said, kissing each one’s cheek before gathering my bag and cardigan. ‘You have no compunction whoring out your only niece, do you?’

‘Absolutely none,’ Will announced while Simon shook his head gravely. ‘Go be a good tart and have some fun, for Christ’s sake, will you?’

There was a crowd – three deep and a block long – when the cab pulled up in front of the club, and if it hadn’t been Penelope’s party, I would’ve had the cabbie keep driving. Instead, I plastered on a smile and strolled to the front of the forty-person line, where a giant guy wearing a Secret Service earpiece stood, holding a clipboard.

‘Hi, my name is Bette and I’m with Penelope’s party,’ I said, surveying the line and not recognizing a single face.

He gazed at me blankly. ‘Great, nice to meet you, Penelope. If you could just wait in line like everyone else, we’ll get you inside as quickly as possible.’

‘No, this is Penelope’s party, and I’m her friend. She asked me to be here early, so it’d really be better if I could go in right now.’

‘Uh-huh, that’s great. Listen, just step aside and—’ He placed a hand over his earpiece and appeared to listen intently, nodding his head a few times and studying the line that now looped around the corner.

‘Okay, everyone,’ he announced, his voice causing immediate silence among the barely dressed would-be partiers. ‘We’re already at capacity right now, as determined by the FDNY. We’ll only be letting people in as others leave, so either get comfortable or come back later.’

Groans all around. Well, this simply isn’t going to work, I thought. He must not understand the situation.

‘Excuse me? Sir?’ He peered at me once again, now visibly annoyed. ‘You’ve obviously got a lot of people waiting to go in, but it’s my friend’s engagement party, and she really needs me there. If you only knew her mother, then you’d understand how imperative it is that I get inside.’

‘Mmm. Interesting. Look, I don’t care if your friend Penelope’s marrying Prince William. There’s no way I can let anyone else in right now. We’d be in violation of the fire code, and you certainly don’t want that.’ He backed off a bit. ‘Just hang out in line and we’ll get you in as soon as possible, okay?’ I think he was aiming for soothing, but it only served to incense me more. He looked vaguely familiar, although I wasn’t sure why. His faded green T-shirt was tight enough to show that he was quite capable of keeping people out if he so desired, but the slightly baggy, faded jeans that hung low on his hips suggested he didn’t take himself too seriously. Just as I was conceding that he had the best hair I’d ever seen on a guy – longish, dark, thick, and annoyingly shiny – he shrugged on a gray corduroy jacket and managed to look even cuter still.

Definitely a model. I restrained myself from announcing something super-snotty about what a power trip this must be for someone who most likely hadn’t made it past seventh grade, and skulked to the back of the line. As repeated attempts to call both Penelope’s and Avery’s cell phones went straight to voice mail, and the front-door goon was only allowing in an average of two people every ten minutes, I stood there for the better part of an hour. I was fantasizing about the many ways I could humiliate or otherwise harm the bouncer when Michael and his girlfriend slinked outside and lit cigarettes a few feet from the door.

‘Michael!’ I shrieked, aware of how absolutely pathetic I sounded, but not really caring. ‘Michael, Megu, over here!’

They both looked over the hordes of people and spotted me, which probably wasn’t hard considering I was screaming and waving with zero dignity. They waved me over, and I practically ran to them.

‘I need to get inside already. I’ve been standing outside this goddamn hellhole forever, and that guy won’t let me in. Penelope’s going to kill me!’

‘Hey, Bette, great to see you, too,’ Michael said, leaning over to kiss my cheek.

‘Sorry,’ I said, hugging first him and then his girlfriend, Megu, the sweet Japanese med student with whom he now shared an apartment. ‘How are you guys? How on earth did you both get out for this?’

‘It happens like once every six months.’ Megu smiled, taking hold of Michael’s hand and tucking it behind her back. ‘The schedule just falls into alignment for one twelve-hour period when I’m not on call and he’s not at work.’

‘And you came here? What, are you crazy? Megu, you’re a really good sport. Michael, do you realize what a girl you have here?’

‘Sure do,’ he said, gazing at her adoringly. ‘She knows Penelope would kill me, too, if we didn’t make an appearance, but I think we’re out. I’ve got to be at work in, oh, let’s see, four hours now, and Megu was hoping to sleep for a full six-hour block of time for the first time in a few weeks, so we’re going to bail. It looks like people are headed inside now.’

I turned to see a massive exchange of gorgeous people: one crowd surged outside, apparently on their way to a ‘real’ party in TriBeCa, and another seeped in through the door when the bouncer lifted the velvet rope.

‘I thought you said I was next on the list,’ I said flatly to the bouncer.

‘Feel free to visit Princess Penelope,’ he told me, sweeping expansively with one arm and adjusting his earpiece to hear what I’m sure was crucial information with the other.

‘See, there you go,’ Michael said, pulling Megu out into the street with him. ‘Call me this week and let’s grab a drink. Bring Penelope – I didn’t get a chance to even talk to her tonight, and it’s been forever since we all caught up. Tell her I said good-bye.’ And they were gone, undoubtedly thrilled they’d managed to escape.

I turned around and saw that there were only a few people loitering on the sidewalk, talking on cell phones, apparently indifferent to whether they went inside. Just like that, the crowd had evaporated, and I was finally being granted entry.

‘Gee, thanks. You were extraordinarily helpful,’ I said to the bouncer, brushing past his massive frame and walking through the velvet rope he held open. I yanked open the giant glass door and stepped into a dark foyer, where Avery was talking very closely to a very pretty girl with very big breasts.

‘Hi, Bette, where have you been all night?’ he said, immediately moving toward me and offering to take my coat. In the same second Penelope bounded over, looking flushed and then relieved. She was wearing a short black cocktail dress topped with a sequined shrug and extraordinarily high-heeled silver sandals, and I knew immediately that her mother had dressed her.

‘Bette!’ she hissed, grabbing my arm and leading me away from Avery, who immediately resumed his intense conversation with the girl. ‘What took you so long? I’ve been suffering alone all night.’

I raised my eyebrows and looked around. ‘Alone? There must be two hundred people here. All these years, and I didn’t know you had two hundred friends. This is quite the party!’

‘Yeah, really impressive, right? Exactly five of the people in this room are here to see me: my mother, my brother, one of the girls from the real-estate department, my father’s secretary, and now you. Megu and Michael left, right?’ I nodded. ‘The rest are Avery’s, of course. And my mother’s friends. Where have you been?’ She took a gulp of her drink and passed the glass to me with slightly shaking hands, as though it were a pipe and not a champagne flute.

‘Honey, I’ve been here for over an hour, as promised. Had a bit of trouble at the door.’

‘You didn’t!’ She looked horrified.

‘I did. Very cute bouncer, but a total creep.’

‘Oh, Bette, I’m so sorry! Why didn’t you call me?’

‘I did, a few dozen times, but I guess you couldn’t hear your phone. Listen, don’t worry about it. Tonight’s your night, so try and, well, uh, enjoy it?’

‘Let’s get you a drink,’ she said, pulling a cosmopolitan from a circling waiter’s tray. ‘Do you believe this party?’

‘It’s crazy. How long has your mother been planning this?’

‘She read in Page Six weeks ago that Gisele and Leo were seen “canoodling” here, so I guess she called and booked it right after that. She keeps telling me that these are the kinds of places I should be patronizing because of their “exclusive clientele.” I didn’t tell her that the one time Avery dragged me here the clientele was basically having sex on the dance floor.’

‘It probably would’ve only encouraged her more.’

‘True.’ A model-tall woman wedged herself between us and began air-kissing Penelope in a manner so insincere I actually cringed, gulped my cosmo, and sneaked away. I got pulled into some inane conversation with a few people from the bank who’d just arrived and who looked a little shell-shocked to be away from their computers, and I chatted as briefly as possible with Penelope’s mother, who immediately referenced both the Chanel suit and the heels she was wearing and then pulled Penelope by the arm to another cache of people. I surveyed the designer-clad crowd and tried not to shrink in my outfit, which had been purchased online from a combination of J. Crew and Banana Republic at three in the morning a few months ago. Will had been particularly insistent lately that I needed ‘going out’ clothes, but the catalog orders were not what he had in mind. I got the feeling that any of these people could – and would – feel perfectly comfortable roaming around naked. Even better than the clothes (which were perfect) was the confidence, and that came from somewhere else entirely. Two hours and three cosmos later, certifiably tipsy, I was considering going home. Instead, I grabbed another drink and ducked outside.

The line to get in had cleared up entirely; only the bouncer who’d held me in club purgatory for so long remained. I was preparing my snide remarks should he address me in any way whatsoever, but he just grinned and returned his attention to the paperback he was reading, which looked like a matchbook in his massive hands. Shame he was so cute – but jerks always are.

‘So, what was it about me that you didn’t like?’ I couldn’t help myself. Five years in the city and I’d tried to avoid places with doormen or velvet ropes unless absolutely necessary; I’d inherited at least a bit of my parents’ egalitarian self-righteousness – or intense insecurity, depending on how you looked at it.

‘Pardon?’

‘I mean, when you wouldn’t let me in before, even though it’s my best friend’s engagement party.’

He shook his head and half-smiled to himself. ‘Look, it’s nothing personal. They hand me a list and tell me to follow it and do crowd control. If you’re not on the list or you show up when a hundred other people do, I have to keep you outside for a little while. There’s really nothing more to it.’

‘Sure.’ I’d all but missed my best friend’s big night because of his door policy. I teetered a bit and then hissed, ‘Nothing personal. Right.’

‘You think I need your attitude tonight? I’ve got plenty of people who are far more expert at giving me a really fucking hard time, so why don’t we just stop talking and I’ll put you in a cab?’

Perhaps it was the fourth cosmo – liquid courage – but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with his condescending attitude, so I turned on my too-chunky heels and yanked the door open. ‘I hardly need your charity. Thanks for nothing,’ I snapped and marched back inside the club as soberly as I could manage.

I hugged Penelope, air-kissed Avery, and then beelined to the door before anyone else could initiate any more small talk. I saw a girl crouched in a corner, sobbing quietly but with a pleased awareness that others were watching, and sidestepped a strikingly stylish foreign couple who were making out furiously, and with much hip grinding. I then made a big show of ignoring the meathead bouncer who, incidentally, was reading from a tattered paperback version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover (sex fiend!) and threw my arm in the air to hail a cab. Only the street was completely empty, and a cold drizzle had just begun, practically guaranteeing that a taxi was nowhere in my immediate future.

‘Hey, you need some help?’ he asked after opening the velvet rope to admit three squealing, tottering girls. ‘This is a tough street for cabs when it rains.’

‘No thanks, I’m just fine.’

‘Suit yourself.’

Minutes were starting to feel like hours, and the warm summer sprinkles had rapidly become a cold, persistent rain. What, exactly, was I proving here? The bouncer had pressed himself against the door to get some protection from the overhang and was still reading calmly, as though unaware of the hurricane that now whipped around us. I continued to stare at him until he looked up, grinned, and said, ‘Yeah, you seem to be doing just fine on your own. You’re definitely teaching me a lesson by not taking one of these huge umbrellas and walking a couple blocks over to Eighth, where you’ll have no trouble getting a cab at all. Great call on your part.’

‘You have umbrellas?’ I asked before I could stop myself. The water had soaked entirely through my shirt and I could feel my blanket-thick hair sticking to my neck in wet, cold clumps.

‘Sure do. Keep ’em right here for situations just like this. But I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested in taking one of them, right?’

‘Right. I’m just fine.’ To think I’d almost begun warming up to him. Just then a livery cab drove by, and I had the brilliant idea to call UBS’s car service for a ride home.

‘Hi, this is Bette Robinson with account number six-three-three-eight. I need a car to pick me up at—’

‘All booked!’ barked back an angry-sounding female dispatcher.

‘No, I don’t think you understand. I have an account with your company and—’

Click.

I stood there soaking wet, anger boiling inside me.

‘No cars, huh? Tough,’ he said, clucking sympathetically without looking up from the book. I’d managed to skim Lady Chatterley’s Lover when I was twelve and had already gleaned as much about sex as possible from the combination of Forever, Wifey and What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Girls, but I didn’t remember anything about it. Perhaps that had to do with a poor memory, or maybe it was the fact that sex hadn’t even been a part of my consciousness for the last two years. Or maybe it was that the plots of my beloved romance novels crowded my thoughts at all times. Whatever it was, I couldn’t even recall something snide to say about it, never mind clever. ‘No cars.’ I sighed. ‘Just not my night.’

He took a few steps out in the rain and handed me a long executive’s umbrella, already unfurled, with the club’s logo emblazoned on both sides. ‘Take it. Walk to Eighth, and if you still can’t get a cab, talk to the doorman at Serena, Twenty-third between Seventh and Eighth. Tell him I sent you, and he’ll work it out.’

I considered walking right past him and getting on the subway, but the idea of riding around in a train car at one in the morning was hardly appealing. ‘Thanks,’ I mumbled, refusing to meet what would surely be his gloating eyes. I took the umbrella and started walking east, feeling him watch me from behind.

Five minutes later, I was tucked in the backseat of a big yellow taxi, wet but finally warm.

I gave the driver my address and slumped back, exhausted. At this hour, cabs were good for two things and two things only: making out with someone on your way home from a good night out or catching up with multiple people in three-minute-or-less cell-phone conversations. Since neither was an option, I rested my wet hair on the patch of filthy vinyl where so many greasy, unwashed, oiled, lice-ridden, and generally unkempt heads had rested before mine, closed my eyes, and anticipated the sniffling, hysterical welcome I would soon receive from Millington. Who needed a man – or even a newly engaged best friend – when you had a dog?




3 (#udd89c3a8-2829-5bfa-adf2-4ff67959b207)


The week following Penelope’s engagement party was nearly unbearable. It was my fault, of course: there are many ways to piss off your parents and rebel against your entire upbringing without enslaving yourself in the process, but I was clearly too stupid to find them. So instead I sat inside my shower-sized cubicle at UBS Warburg – as I had every day for the past fifty-six months – and death-gripped the phone, which was currently discolored by a layer of Maybelline Fresh Look foundation (in Tawny Blush) and a few splotches of L’Oreal Wet Shine lip gloss (in Rhinestone Pink). I wiped it off as best I could while pressing the receiver to my ear and rubbed my grubby fingers clean underneath the desk chair. I was being berated by a ‘minimum,’ someone who only invests the million-dollar minimum with my division and is therefore excruciatingly demanding and detail-oriented in a way that forty-million-dollar clients never are.

‘Mrs Kaufman, I truly understand your concern over the market’s slight decline, but let me assure you that we have everything under control. I realize your nephew the interior decorator thinks your portfolio is top-heavy with corporate bonds, but I assure you our traders are excellent, and always looking out for your best interests. I don’t know if a thirty-two percent annual gain is realistic in this economic environment, but I’ll have Aaron give you a call as soon as he gets back to his desk. Yes. Of course. Yes. Yes. Yes, I will absolutely have him call you the moment he returns from the meeting. Yes. Certainly. Of course. Yes. Naturally. Yes. A pleasure hearing from you, as always. All right, then. Bye-bye.’ I waited until I heard the click on her end and then slammed down the phone.

Nearly five years and I’d yet to utter the word no, as apparently you need to have at least seventy-two months’ experience before being qualified to go there. I went to send Aaron a quick email begging him to return Mrs Kaufman’s call so she would finally stop stalking me and was surprised to see that he was back at his desk, busily blast-emailing us his daily inspirational bullshit.

Good morning, folks. Let’s remember to show our clients our high energy levels! Our relationships with these good folks comprise our whole business – they appreciate our patience and consideration as much as our results-oriented portfolio handling. I’m pleased to announce a new weekly group meeting, one that I hope will allow us all to brainstorm ways we may better serve our clients. It will be held each Friday at 7 a.m. and will provide us with an opportunity to think outside the box. Breakfast is on me, folks, so bring yourselves and your thinking caps and remember, ‘Great discoveries and improvements invariably involve the cooperation of many minds.’ – Alexander Graham Bell.

I stared at the email so long my eyes began to glaze over. Were his insistence on using the word folks and his constant references to ‘thinking outside the box’ more or less annoying than his inclusion of the phrase thinking caps? Did he craft and send these emails just to add to the all-pervasive misery and hopelessness of my days? I pondered this for a few moments, desperate to think about anything other than the seven A.M. meeting announcement. I managed to move beyond it long enough to field another frantic call, this time from Mrs Kaufman’s nephew, that lasted a record fifty-seven minutes, ninety percent of which he spent accusing me of things that were entirely beyond my control while I said nothing or, occasionally, just to switch things up, agreed with him that I was, in fact, as dumb and useless as he claimed.

I hung up and resumed staring listlessly at the email. I wasn’t exactly sure how Mr Bell’s quote applied to my life or why I should care, but I did know if I planned to escape for lunch, now was my only chance. I’d abided by the no-leaving-for-lunch policy my first few years at UBS Warburg and dutifully ordered in each day, but lately Penelope and I had brazenly begun sneaking out for ten, twelve minutes a day to retrieve our own takeout and cram in as much whining and gossip as possible. An IM popped up on my screen.

P.Lo: Ready? Let’s do falafel. Meet at the 52nd Street cart in five?

I punched in the letter Y, hit Send, and draped my suit jacket over the back of my chair to indicate my presence. One of the managers glanced at me when I picked up my purse, so I filled my mug with steaming coffee as additional proof that I hadn’t left the premises and placed it in the middle of my desk. I mumbled something about the bathroom to my fellow cubicle dwellers, who were too busy transferring their own facial grime to their telephones to even notice, and walked confidently toward the hallway. Penelope worked in the real-estate division two floors above me and was already in the elevator, but like two well-trained CIA operatives, we didn’t so much as glance at each other. She let me exit first and circle the lobby for a minute while she ducked outside and casually strolled past the fountain. I followed as best I could in my ugly, uncomfortable heels, the humidity hitting my face like a wall. We didn’t speak until we’d blended into the line of midtown office drones who stood both quietly and restlessly, wanting to savor their few precious minutes of daily freedom but instinctively getting pissy and frustrated at having to wait for anything.

‘What are you having?’ Penelope asked, her eyes scanning the three different carts of sizzling and highly aromatic ethnic food that men in varying costumes and facial hair were steaming, slicing, sautéing, skewering, frying, and heaving toward the hungry suits.

‘It’s all some sort of meat on a stick or dough-filled something,’ I said tonelessly, surveying the smoky meats. ‘Does it matter?’

‘Someone’s in a great mood today.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, I should be thrilled that five years of slave labor have turned out so well. I mean, look at us, how glamorous is this?’ I waved my arms expansively in front of us. ‘It’s sad enough we don’t get to go out to lunch at some point in the middle of a sixteen-hour workday, but it’s fucking pathetic that we aren’t even permitted to pick out our food ourselves.’

‘This is nothing new, Bette. I don’t know why you’re getting so stressed about it now.’

‘Just a particularly lousy day. If it’s possible to distinguish one from the next.’

‘Why? Anything happen?’

I wanted to say ‘Two rings?’ but restrained myself as an overweight woman wearing a skirt suit worse than mine and a pair of white leather Reeboks over her tights spilled hot sauce down the front of her embroidered, ruffled blouse. I saw myself in ten years and nearly lurched forward with queasiness.

‘Of course nothing happened, that’s the whole point!’ I all but screamed. Two blond guys who looked fresh off the Princeton eating club path turned and looked at me curiously. I thought about composing myself for a minute since, well, they were both really cute, but I soon remembered that these obscenely hot lacrosse players were not only way too young, but most likely also had obscenely gorgeous girlfriends eight years my junior.

‘Seriously, Bette, I don’t know what you’re looking for. I mean, it’s a job, right? It’s still work. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s never going to be like sitting at the country club all day long, you know? Sure, it sucks to spend every waking minute at work. And I don’t exactly adore finance, either – I never fantasized about working at a bank – but it’s just not that bad.’

Penelope’s parents had tried to push her toward a position at Vogue or Sotheby’s as the final finishing school in the pursuit of her Mrs degree, but when she’d insisted on joining the rest of us in corporate America, they’d acquiesced – it was certainly possible to find a husband while working in finance, as long as she kept her priorities straight, didn’t display any overt ambition, and quit immediately after the wedding. Truth be told, though, while she whined and complained about the job, I think she actually liked it.

She handed over a ten-dollar bill to cover both of our ‘kebab’ plates, and my eyes were drawn to her hand like a magnet. Even I had to admit the ring was gorgeous. I said as much, for the tenth time, and she beamed. It was hard to be upset about the engagement when she was so obviously giddy. Avery had even stepped it up since the proposal and had managed to impersonate a real, caring fiancé, which of course had made her even happier. He’d met her after work so they could go home together, and had even brought her breakfast in bed. More important, he had refrained from clubbing, his favorite pastime, for a full three weeks now, the only exception being last week’s soiree in their honor. Penelope didn’t mind that Avery wanted to spend as much time as humanly possible wedged in between banquettes – or dancing on them – but she wanted no part of it. On the nights he was out with friends from his consulting firm, Penelope and I would sit at the Black Door, dive-bar extraordinaire, with Michael (when he was available), drinking beer and wondering why anyone would want to be anywhere else. But someone must’ve clued Avery in that while it’s acceptable to leave your girlfriend home six nights a week, ditching your fiancée is different, so he’d made a concerted effort to cut back. I knew it would never last.

We retraced our steps to the building and sneaked back into the office with only a single dirty look from the rule-abiding UBS shoe-shine guy (who, incidentally, was also forbidden to leave during lunch in case a pair of wing tips desperately needed a spit-shine between one and two P.M.). Penelope followed me back to my cubicle and planted herself on the chair that was theoretically for guests and clients, although I’d yet to host either.

‘So, we set a date,’ she said breathlessly, digging into the fragrant plate she balanced on her lap.

‘Oh, yeah? When?’

‘Exactly one year from next week. August tenth, on Martha’s Vineyard, which seems appropriate since that’s where it all began. We’ve been engaged for a few weeks, and already our mothers are going berserk. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to put up with them.’

Avery’s and Penelope’s families had been vacationing together since the two were toddlers. There were scads of photos of the whole lot of them sporting grosgrain flip-flops and cheap-chic L.L. Bean monogrammed totes in Martha’s Vineyard during the summer and Stubbs and Wootton slippers during ski vacations in the Adirondacks each year. She’d gone to Nightingale and he’d been at Collegiate and both of them had spent a good chunk of their respective childhoods being paraded around by their socialite mothers to various benefits and parties and weekend polo matches. Avery embraced it, threw himself on every junior committee of every foundation that asked, went out six nights a week with his parents’ unlimited line of credit, and was one of those New York-born-and-bred kids who knew everyone, everywhere. Much to her parents’ chagrin, Penelope had no interest whatsoever. She repeatedly rejected the whole circuit, preferring to spend all her time with a group of misfit artist types on scholarship, the kind of kids who gave Penelope’s mother night sweats. Avery and Penelope had never really been close – and certainly not remotely romantic – until Avery had graduated high school a year before her and headed to Emory. According to Penelope, who’d always harbored an intense secret crush on Avery, he’d been one of the most popular kids in school, the charming, athletic soccer player who got adequate grades and was hot enough to get away with being really, really arrogant. From what I could tell, she’d always blended into the background, like all exotically pretty girls do at an age when only blond hair and big boobs count, spending a lot of time getting good grades and trying desperately not to get noticed. And it worked, at least until Avery came back for summer break after his freshman year in college, looked across the hot tub at their families’ shared house in the Vineyard, and saw everything about Penelope that was long and graceful and gorgeous – her doe-like limbs and her stick-straight black hair and the eyelashes that framed her enormously wide brown eyes.

So she did what every good girl knows is completely wrong – for the reputation, the self-esteem, and the strategy of making him call the next day – and slept with him then and there, mere minutes after he leaned over to kiss her for the very first time. (‘I just couldn’t help it,’ she’d said a million times while retelling the story. ‘I couldn’t believe that Avery Wainwright was interested in me!’) But unlike all the other girls I knew who’d had sex within hours of meeting some guy and never heard from him again, Penelope and Avery proceeded to attach themselves to each other, and their engagement was little more than a much approved and applauded formality.

‘Are they being worse than usual?’

She sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘Worse than usual.’ An interesting phrase. I would’ve thought it was impossible, but yes, my mother has managed to become even more unbearable lately. Our last knock-down brawl was over whether or not you could rightfully call something a wedding dress if it wasn’t designed by Vera Wang or Carolina Herrera. I said yes. She obviously disagreed. Vehemently.’

‘Who won?’

‘I caved on that because, really, I don’t care who makes the dress as long as I like it. I figure I have to pick my battles very, very carefully, and the one I will not be compromising on is the wedding announcement.’

‘Define “wedding announcement.’’ ’

‘Don’t make me.’ She grinned and took a swig of Dr Pepper.

‘Say it.’

‘Please, Bette, this sucks enough. Don’t make me say it.’

‘C’mon, Pen. Own up. Go on, it’ll get easier after the first time. Just say it.’ I nudged her chair with my foot and leaned in to relish the information.

She covered her perfect, pale forehead with her long, thin hands and shook her head. ‘New York Times.’

‘I knew it! Will and I will be gentle, I promise. She’s not kidding around, is she?’

‘Of course she’s not!’ Penelope wailed. ‘And naturally, Avery’s mother’s dying for it also.’

‘Oh, Pen, it’s perfect! You guys make such a cute couple, and now everyone else can see it, too!’ I cackled.

‘You should hear them, Bette, it’s hideous. Both of them are already fantasizing about all those fancy private schools they can list between them. Do you know I overheard my mother on the phone the other day with the Weddings editor, saying that she’d like to include all the siblings’ schools as well? The woman told her that they won’t even discuss it until six weeks before, but that hasn’t discouraged anyone: Avery’s mom already made an appointment for the photo shoot and has all sorts of ideas about how we can pose so that our eyebrows are level, which is one of the published suggestions. The wedding is still a year away!’

‘Yes, but these things require lots of advance planning and research.’

‘That’s what they said!’ she cried.

‘What about eloping?’ But before she could answer, Aaron made a big show of knocking on my cubicle wall and waving his arms to imitate regret at breaking up our ‘little powwow,’ as he irritatingly called our lunches.

‘Don’t mean to break up your little powwow, folks,’ he said, as both Penelope and I silently mouthed the words along with him. ‘Bette, may I have a word with you?’

‘No worries, I was just leaving,’ Penelope breathed, obviously grateful for the chance to flee without talking to Aaron. ‘Bette, we’ll talk more later.’ And before I could say anything, she was gone.

‘Saaaaaaaay, Bette?’

‘Yes, Aaron?’ He sounded so much like Lumbergh from Office Space that it would have been funny had I not been on the receiving end of his ‘suggestions.’

‘Weeeeell, I was just wondering if you had a chance to read today’s quote of the day?’ He gave a loud, phlegmy cough and raised his eyebrows at me.

‘Of course, Aaron, I have it right here. “Individual commitment to a group effort – that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” Yeah, I have to say, that one really spoke to me.’

‘It did?’ He looked pleased. ‘That was yesterday’s, but I’m glad it had such impact.’

‘Sure. It was really appropriate. I learn a lot from all of them. Why? Is something wrong?’ I asked in my most ingratiatingly concerned tone.

‘Nothing’s wrong, per se, it’s just that I couldn’t find you for nearly ten minutes before, and while that doesn’t sound like much, I’m sure to Mrs Kaufman – who was waiting on an update – it feels like an eternity.’

‘An eternity?’

‘I just don’t think that when you’re away from your desk for such long periods of time that you can adequately be providing our clients, like Mrs Kaufman, with the kind of attention we pride ourselves on here at UBS. Just a little something to think about for next time, okay?’

‘I’m really sorry. I was just picking up lunch.’

‘I know that, Bette. But I don’t have to remind you that company policy says employees shouldn’t be taking time out to pick it up. I have a whole drawer full of delivery menus if you’d care to look at them.’

I remained silent.

‘Oh, and Bette? I’m sure Penelope’s supervisor needs her just as much as I need you, so let’s try to keep those powwows to a minimum, okay?’ He flashed me the most patronizing smile imaginable, revealing thirty-seven years’ worth of splotchy, stained teeth, and I thought I’d vomit if he didn’t stop immediately. Ever since watching Girls Just Want to Have Fun for the first time when I was twelve, I’ve never been able to get Lynne Stone’s rumination out of my mind. She’s escorting Janey home after Janey skips choir practice to rehearse with Jeff (and of course gets caught by the evil, rotating-closet-owning bitch, Natalie), and she says, ‘Whenever I’m in a room with a guy, no matter who it is – a date, my dentist, anybody – I think, “If we were the last two people on earth, would I puke if he kissed me?’’ ’ Well, thanks to Lynne, I can’t help wondering it, either; the unfortunate outcome, though, is that I envisioned myself kissing Aaron and felt ill.

‘Okay? How does that sound?’ He shifted nervously from foot to foot and I wondered how this anxious, socially inept man had managed to climb at least three levels above me in the corporate hierarchy. I’d watched clients physically recoil when he went to shake their hands, and yet he glided up the ladder like it was lubricated in the very oil he used to slick back his few remaining strands of hair.

All I wanted was for him to disappear, but I made a crucial miscalculation. Rather than just agreeing and going back to my lunch, I said, ‘Are you unhappy with my performance, Aaron? I try really hard, but you always seem displeased.’

‘I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy with your performance, Bette. I think you’re doing, well, um, just fine around here. But we all seek to self-improve now, don’t we? As Winston Churchill once said—’

‘Just fine? That’s like describing someone as “interesting” or saying a date was “nice.” I work eighty-hour weeks, Aaron. I give my entire life to UBS.’ It was useless to try to highlight my dedication in an hours-worked formula since Aaron beat me by at least fifteen hours every single week, but it was true: I worked damn hard when I wasn’t shopping online, talking to Will on the phone, or sneaking out to meet Penelope for lunch.

‘Bette, don’t be so sensitive. With a little more willingness to learn and perhaps a bit more attention paid to your clients, I think you’ve got the potential to get promoted. Just keep the powwows to a minimum and really throw your heart into your work and the results will be immeasurable.’

I watched the spittle form on his thin lips as he mouthed his favorite phrase, and something inside me snapped. There was no angel on one shoulder or devil on the other, no mental list of pros and cons or quick scans of potential consequences, ramifications, or backup plans. No solid thoughts of any sort whatsoever – just an all-pervasive sense of calm and determination, coupled with a deep understanding that I simply could not tolerate one additional second of the present situation.

‘All right, Aaron. No more powwows for me – ever. I quit.’

He looked confused for a minute before he realized I was completely serious. ‘You what?’

‘Please consider this my two weeks’ notice,’ I said with a confidence that was beginning to waver slightly.

Appearing to consider this for a minute, he wiped his sweaty brow and furrowed it a few times. ‘That won’t be necessary,’ he said quietly.

It was my turn to be confused. ‘I appreciate it, Aaron, but I really do have to leave.’

‘I meant that the two weeks won’t be necessary. We shouldn’t have much trouble finding someone, Bette. There are loads of qualified people out there who actually want to work here, if you can imagine that. Please discuss the details of your departure with HR and have your things packed by the end of the day. And good luck with whatever you’ll be doing next.’ He forced a tight smile and walked away, seeming self-assured for the first time in the five years I’d worked for him.

Thoughts swirled in my head, coming too fast and from too many directions for me to actually process them. Aaron had balls – who knew! I’d just quit my job. Quit it. With no forethought or planning. Must tell Penelope. Penelope engaged. How would I get all my stuff home? Could I still charge a car to the company? Could I collect unemployment? Would I still come to midtown just for the kebabs? Should I burn all my skirt suits in a ceremonial living-room bonfire? Millington will be so happy to hit the dog run in the middle of the day! Middle of the day. I would get to watch The Price Is Right all the time if I wanted. Why hadn’t I thought of this before?

I stared at the screen a while longer, until the gravity of what had just happened settled in, and then I headed straight to the rest-room to freak out in the relative privacy of a stall. There was laid-back and there was plain fucking stupid, and this was quickly beginning to resemble the latter. I breathed a few times and tried uttering – coolly and casually – my new mantra, but whatever came out sounding like a choked cry as I wondered what the hell I’d done.




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