Before We Say Goodbye: Preparing for a Good Death
Before We Say Goodbye: Preparing for a Good Death
Ray Simpson
An inspiring but practical resource for preparing for one’s death, including moving stories, thought-provoking quotations and comforting prayers and hymns, as well as how to prepare a will and make funeral arrangements.In a world where nothing is certain except death and taxes (Benjamin Franklin), preparing for one’s own death is something that everyone will face. Ray Simpson eases the burden in this heartening and helpful book. Prayers, songs, poems, quotations and Bible readings will provide comfort and encouragement, and stories from the deaths of saints and ordinary people will inspire.A special section at the end of the book contains helpful forms to fill out, such as ‘On My Death Bed’ and ‘To Find When I Die’. A discussion of funeral arrangements and wills bring to light often overlooked details.
BEFORE WE SAY GOODBYE
PRACTICAL GUIDANCE, INSPIRING STORIES AND PRAYERS TO HELP US PREPARE A GOOD DEATH
Ray Simpson
CONTENTS
Cover (#uc1bf09d4-9e2c-5ed8-9e67-207d9d159193)
Title Page (#u693c17d1-1956-5c25-aba1-f172769cf9a8)
Foreword (#ulink_58996b9d-141e-574a-840d-51e2d6345121)
Introduction (#ulink_87ac1c9b-4ded-5b82-9e3c-cd86e49b0dfc)
The Things They Say about Dying (#ulink_8f4beb26-eb36-5ac0-a320-29806aa3e472)
PART ONE (#ulink_e08e4af6-9ad1-563c-b343-2af9bdbf56d3)
Befriend Death When You Are Young (#ulink_e08e4af6-9ad1-563c-b343-2af9bdbf56d3)
There’s a Time to Give and a Time to go (#ulink_d1563567-8b0f-55e8-9a79-ff334db77436)
The Secret of Life is the Secret of Death (#ulink_8634c5a8-1ec6-54b2-b393-92b7c893e9da)
Death Puts Life in Perspective (#ulink_9ea5809f-7e48-553f-b08a-c9f53c64712c)
When Faced, Death Builds Valour (#ulink_83a117e9-9449-5887-8202-496a22179366)
The Ache Inside Us (#ulink_01b4ddeb-ace3-5f9f-bb00-bf56480b3728)
Make Death your Anam Cara (#ulink_685f22d7-4cac-585f-b02d-6b6981f8897d)
Start Now (#ulink_fbd0916b-dee9-5bbe-89fb-51f318624783)
Picture Death (#ulink_3ea2815e-bdd5-5ffa-b344-5259b2611d6f)
Master the Fear of Death (#ulink_d5e4bc0e-5f5c-50ed-a51f-1e21bc688f31)
The Faces of Death (#ulink_7dc11300-b01d-5204-bbff-9e12dfa1eb43)
See Eternity in a Grain of Sand (#ulink_8286abca-5e1f-578d-9a8e-8ef751f3c219)
Live Life as a Journey (#ulink_2738c88c-32e0-5962-b3ea-e67f31e1675b)
Start With Life’s Little Deaths (#ulink_e122da90-841a-54cb-a119-5e830e14898e)
Practise Going to Sleep (#ulink_a80be923-e99b-5aef-a16f-7b265e40be1c)
Practise Making Transitions (#ulink_7176ab8d-8f7a-5011-9d4c-213cba04a350)
Practise Being on your Deathbed (#ulink_4e51fe38-d724-51c2-92e3-1c47d47315c5)
Practise Praying (#ulink_923f24b2-4963-5299-9717-89a0ef0df1ce)
Get to Know your body (#ulink_973252e7-9123-5534-91db-312953bebe76)
Move with Life’s Rhythms (#ulink_d322bc6a-180c-550c-ad29-88dc25a9d12b)
Come Through Rough Passages (#ulink_210d7322-427a-577d-9a6f-ce38c020ee38)
Red, White and Blue Deaths (#ulink_c164942c-b098-5e3b-a239-3a167b95594d)
Reach for the Edges (#ulink_46e7da1b-91f2-53cd-ad99-5803da303be6)
Review your Life (#ulink_ddd004ad-5ec1-5af5-b8cc-8b01b87ee65e)
Be Present to the Dying (#ulink_2306952c-40de-51f3-aaa6-2d12426ad5b9)
Enjoy the Communion of Saints (#ulink_10e91496-cdb1-5d82-ab3d-58857b453a65)
Encounter Angels (#ulink_2fe6f46b-eb01-5542-a34c-4bfea925d867)
Transformations (#ulink_71ba671c-4f9c-5103-bbd6-1c065338e268)
Be Prepared! (#ulink_4d4cee7d-80bc-5009-9e32-a232fc3109b9)
PART TWO (#ulink_7ac185f2-486e-555f-bc54-f1d4419dd7d5)
Grow Before You Go (#ulink_7ac185f2-486e-555f-bc54-f1d4419dd7d5)
Live Simply (#ulink_d64b0a3b-9dc9-5bff-8a51-bf161a0a07a4)
Do it Now! (#ulink_b5cb7e2d-8ac2-5939-8671-420681fed15c)
Fulfil your Destiny (#ulink_fcb88ea1-b30c-5c15-8330-15f98d10f80f)
Listen to your Soul Thoughts (#ulink_0321eb95-6b2f-5f1b-98dd-a3a08708d059)
Face Pain (#ulink_ca91b307-37ea-5a8e-9673-78f2f5fb17ed)
Know your Life Story (#ulink_57ccaa72-1a6a-50cd-9ea1-0e2d2ec2e4b9)
Share your Life Story (#ulink_dddfd262-503a-5656-86d3-efb17665a1e2)
Live Out of your Vulnerability (#ulink_b5290681-a1fd-5834-b927-59a8b0e80475)
Speak Out your Anguish (#ulink_d9c13cc4-37e5-511a-8570-f12a997296d7)
Engage with the Stages of Life (#ulink_f2b2e96f-b876-5233-9567-ea5fee176f35)
Be a Pilgrim (#ulink_98f6f4f4-16d6-537a-81b3-111655650024)
Accumulate Timeless Treasure (#ulink_d518b034-76fd-5f74-bb61-26c4dd6a1c8a)
Does Death Rob Life of its Meaning? (#ulink_9007b11d-df75-5b22-a130-bd1e2d1bb85d)
Become free to Move on (#ulink_73e61a42-44dc-56a4-878c-0077fb5b35c5)
PART THREE (#ulink_11109c11-14f3-517e-b977-c2247ff8abc7)
Go Prepared (#ulink_11109c11-14f3-517e-b977-c2247ff8abc7)
What Will you Leave Behind? (#ulink_f775ce14-2bd2-5a67-a443-cac20f055446)
Don’t Leave a Muddle (#ulink_ac60b793-3488-517f-9c0f-ba0bd7f5a30a)
Make a Will (#ulink_5bb78459-7f78-58f9-b926-d85972a415b4)
Apply the Golden Rule to your Descendants (#ulink_8f85ed67-92a8-5bfb-ad10-56247950ca7f)
Express your Feelings of Loss (#ulink_a5789d64-4f7a-588c-a46f-8539aa4a1e5a)
Acknowledge the Stages of Grief (#ulink_e36aa9ed-7a5d-5dd4-94ae-4f57930ca88e)
Be Real (#ulink_eca86bde-5161-5b28-8e43-71665f54538f)
Free the Trapped Spirit (#ulink_d5da30de-3f06-55c6-8675-6fc23906a1f7)
Release Compassion (#ulink_4d5cf93f-9169-52b9-b330-555c90b660f7)
Listen to your Dreams (#ulink_c9af4a09-6105-5335-9f0a-2d311c1980be)
At the First Glimpse of Death’s Approach (#ulink_981452bd-3b68-515e-962e-7e145c898b1f)
The Healing Power of Acceptance (#ulink_b540275c-b84f-5c1b-af93-dca51454ac57)
Prepare to Leave (#ulink_f0bd3f8a-e974-5240-9d46-19f6e8faa964)
Plan the Funeral (#ulink_080e476c-5cfa-5fd5-a153-3e76dc94b87f)
Celebrate a Life (#ulink_ae3d0151-429f-5e1f-985b-249b2517b63f)
When would you Like to be Remembered? (#ulink_66a10508-f95d-5e71-87d8-45ccb5a3a88f)
‘Honour Me, Don’t Humour Me’ (#ulink_64292f9e-50d2-504c-a3ef-137a17b013d2)
How to Say What we Want to Say (#ulink_3d3815df-e964-526d-9b14-45c42317977d)
Dear Grace, When I am Dying… (#ulink_7199d34c-1889-55f0-b68e-ca5943234f71)
Saying our Goodbyes (#ulink_91a7827f-9aff-51b5-9c89-c3fa3618ae6b)
Parting Gifts (#ulink_d5322cae-5730-5c4a-9b87-d80bf06dc9a8)
Epitaphs (#ulink_0fe6c870-db4c-5334-b064-b20163ebe1b4)
A Way to Meditate at Death (#ulink_3db5b856-9722-53ca-a6b7-01599d4e73a5)
Fun on the Way out (#ulink_5d1d78f5-5b49-59e2-ae4d-82eebccd889a)
Last Wishes (#ulink_9e4ea4e1-9674-5116-933c-047faa278e1a)
Final Words (#ulink_47a5e684-3730-5bcc-9943-7f14a3e34be3)
Farewell Blessings (#ulink_b3ce2bf3-63a9-555b-97c8-a8df49163fe5)
Anointed for Burial (#ulink_b4039202-deb4-578f-bbe3-b2d895e76199)
Choose your Time to go (#ulink_c772a9c6-794f-5bcc-828a-3fe10d126ed1)
Early Exit or Encore? (#ulink_4e9906c2-9039-5f6d-854b-689b810b7b19)
On the Day Death Knocks at the Door (#ulink_9ea4b484-e935-5fd8-9087-de0fbc046281)
PART FOUR (#ulink_b20cdd7e-0df5-5480-9fbf-8104888ce3af)
Create a Good ‘Departure Lounge’ (#ulink_b20cdd7e-0df5-5480-9fbf-8104888ce3af)
Draw up Your ‘Departure Lounge’ Guidelines (#ulink_5cba65ad-0649-54ed-8c49-29d6ded6853f)
Anything to Declare? (#ulink_3badb3af-3abc-5f83-8316-d626ecc45ff9)
Forgiveness Parlour (#ulink_7471e636-86dd-5a5c-97b3-33371aef7f64)
Music (#ulink_e1020b1c-5ee4-5527-a979-998728185585)
Prayers (#ulink_7e256faa-ce0f-5f7d-bfcc-58993bded494)
Angels (#ulink_b27e0e65-9324-5e3d-ba97-054190f59c8b)
Songs (#ulink_7e1b24ab-7bcc-5100-bba4-5dfcdc1ba4e6)
Poets’ Corner (#ulink_eff39505-0d3b-5f8c-81ff-3791f7d54be2)
Bible Readings (#ulink_2c2e5856-7ec2-5119-be2f-fc11714fdd34)
Things to Look at (#ulink_bb91d7c0-2db9-5179-9f0b-70a7fbac6f0d)
Something to Hold (#ulink_edba554a-cddd-5c33-86c0-779a10348c2b)
Diaries, Albums and Videos (#ulink_94b4ff4c-c843-5479-a51e-2f50e8219e43)
A Private Place (#ulink_71de3221-dfd9-5665-8ebe-ec1f8ae55007)
Liturgy for the Great Passage (#ulink_b1931de3-124e-51ef-af2d-6c766a8b90d5)
PART FIVE (#ulink_2719ebb6-03ee-553a-9877-ed290791354b)
The Other Side (#ulink_2719ebb6-03ee-553a-9877-ed290791354b)
The Long Jump (#ulink_d001f1d5-6153-5b0d-beb8-f480de3af55c)
Gone Where? (#ulink_89960200-3120-5576-a715-cca7cf12f709)
Life is Just Beginning (#ulink_4201504d-0e91-5b66-bd0b-d5a1171d3fac)
When the Saints go Marching in (#ulink_b53ca9a1-e40b-5cdb-8b42-c1204aecb161)
The Place of Resurrection (#ulink_a43d5ece-2f7d-5f18-9615-dfb4c9acd1c9)
A Veil thin as Gossamer (#ulink_521e273f-a961-51e2-96a5-366ed44bc98b)
The Morning After (#ulink_f206e8d9-489a-5dcb-9091-feb068d58358)
Out of the Body Experiences (#ulink_f6049f7c-9603-5997-94aa-7b33234a69f2)
Life after Life (#ulink_dedf8155-a20b-5530-9741-677eef5135f9)
What is the other World Like? (#ulink_d9e22502-08d0-50c0-8122-065de76391b8)
What Happens after Death? (#ulink_f1c0ab2d-4a69-554c-9df8-b0155d886999)
Images of Heaven (#ulink_f43ab946-874d-5a3c-912f-9c54aeacacf8)
The Eternal Struggle of Love (#ulink_c3e17a40-84d6-57c5-b4d2-14e7fed85e0c)
The Voyage to the other Side (#ulink_6e04be20-3030-5778-a6d0-488c5c114554)
PART SIX (#ulink_249aff25-cc39-51fb-9314-74218c05f27f)
Inspiring Deaths (#ulink_249aff25-cc39-51fb-9314-74218c05f27f)
Jesus (D. 33) (#ulink_76390e7c-5726-5800-9de1-d5d48cefc1c6)
Ignatius (D. 107) (#ulink_ad94db56-b3b4-5679-b39a-3c509a29870e)
Columba (D. 597) (#ulink_3f538463-91bc-5d76-8251-7dd15ff31009)
Moninne (D. C. 518) (#ulink_6df9e94a-765f-5fab-a004-95fbc958c478)
Aidan (D. 651) (#ulink_feeb7bca-7350-5c50-be67-0f2959688652)
Cuthbert (D. 687) and Ramon (D. 2000) (#ulink_17ecf820-f57e-5a96-a5d2-8b60c3cb1b4a)
Hilda (D. 680) (#ulink_a3d0d475-7fe3-5503-b6c6-588d190755aa)
Caedmon (D. 680) (#ulink_4252cca4-e908-599d-9a7a-0e9e557e4de3)
A Boy (D. C. 690) (#ulink_fede0ebb-9ed1-518a-83c3-2627bc90a011)
Bede (D. 735) (#ulink_04c97dcf-d623-5b50-a0d7-83b2a4af3a1e)
Mum (D. 1971) (#ulink_3f0d39fd-9945-5c5f-89ac-96d9448288b2)
Colin (#ulink_60f57acb-5d57-5f57-84a1-bddc2c046737)
A Dancer (D. PRE-1994) (#ulink_de0c0374-78d1-53cc-9f79-192e2fc68240)
Norma (D. 1991) (#ulink_6b67be01-86a9-5c23-9a34-579ea22a272c)
Nigel (D. 1993) (#ulink_79bd0bbd-5df9-5d73-8dbf-22740509bac0)
The ‘Sweet Pea’ (D. 1999) (#ulink_df7602c4-84af-59d0-ba1e-9917aae0bb07)
A Blessing for Death (#ulink_2cf4f334-8181-5e17-ba75-9b5485e1d927)
References (#ulink_5bcc5dbc-1eb5-5e3e-ac2d-67da0d188d71)
Some Helpful Books (#ulink_5d29760d-c0db-5411-ac23-b4e08e68ad6b)
Pull-out Forms (#ulink_a47a1139-ba1a-5256-a20c-3d0d98b9166b)
Epilogue (#ulink_bd4961c1-ba59-5686-bb79-b71e111d7043)
Acknowledgements (#ulink_a3618633-2b87-5536-b97e-a365f163bad5)
Praise (#ulink_db59b150-65ef-590e-bbe1-3a865722557f)
Copyright (#ulink_983d3d92-b159-516a-9d1c-c13cb123a7fb)
About the Publisher (#ulink_7b4fae9d-f4ca-5837-b3cf-778766e46e25)
FOREWORD (#ulink_cb74f5c9-7563-5362-896f-65d1c34c748f)
by Jean Peart
I am so grateful to God for leading me to this book, and so grateful to Ray for writing it. It was such a help and comfort to me when my dear mother was dying. The prayers in this book gave reassurance, comfort and confidence as I stayed with my mother during her last weeks to continually pray over her and, I believe, to ease her passage to heaven.
My mother’s passing was so peaceful and gentle (just like a candle going out). She indeed had death without pain, death without fear, death without death. A quote that has spoken to me over the last year is this: ‘One should spend one’s life contemplating one’s deathbed.’ Even the staff at the nursing home were amazed at the wonderful passing my mother had. The peace at the time of her passing and afterwards in the nursing home was like a blanket of peace that descended over the whole place for several hours.
This book is both deeply spiritual and very practical – a wonderful aid for those who care. I kept it in my handbag for a month, and sat with it in my hand through the last days with my mother.
May God bless and keep all who use this book.
Jean Peart
The Open Gate
The Holy Island of Lindisfarne
INTRODUCTION (#ulink_5dbcc666-f795-58fc-a1b1-5014d2b2150d)
Life is a journey from the womb to the tomb.
There are things to learn that make the journey, even at its end, worthwhile.
To live well requires us to die well.
If we are to die well, we need to prepare for it.
We are all dying. Some of us die sooner than others.
The best time to start to prepare for death is when we are young.
Please don’t die without having lived.
Please don’t depart without having said truly satisfying goodbyes.
The airliner went into a nose dive. A maniac had attacked the pilot and broken the autopilot. Every passenger was convinced they were plunging to certain death. Lady Anabel Goldsmith was on that plane. In seats behind her were her son Zak, her daughter Jemima Khan, and her grandchildren. A myriad things she would have liked to have said and done before they parted this life flashed through her mind, but it seemed too late now. She had time to utter only one word to them: ‘Goodbye.’ By some miracle the plane, only seconds from disaster, was saved. Lady Anabel was given a second chance to get things right before she said goodbye.
This book offers us a chance to get things right before we say goodbye. It may be our only chance. Although we can run away from almost anything in life, we cannot run away from death. So much has been written about how to cope with other people’s deaths. So little has been written about preparing for our own death. Those books that have been written are not the sort you would hold in your hand, or keep in your heart, when you are too weak to take in new information. This simple, practical guide comes from one heart to another. It calls us to live and to die well, to be good stewards of our short time on earth.
There are as many ways of dying as there are people. This little book will help you to plan your final journey, your farewells, your funeral and your will in a way that will uniquely bless you and those around you. Some are too fearful or thoughtless to do this. This book will help you to do it gently, in small doses.
Dying itself is a journey. We cannot halt it, but we may influence the spirit in which we make it. We can learn from enlightened people who have made glorious exits. We can learn from practitioners who have studied the cycles of dying. We can learn from the caring insights of the hospice movement. And now that hospital and funeral services are business oriented, we can be part of a citizens’ movement to take back responsibility for our own and our loved ones’ departures.
THE THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT DYING (#ulink_14d4d7ba-37b1-5657-984e-b6e0761e3589)
To die well is the chief part of virtue.
GREEK PROVERB
A good death does honour to a whole life.
ITALIAN PROVERB
It is a great art to die well, and to be learned by those in health.
JEREMY TAYLOR, The Rule and Exercises of Holy Dying, 1651
Death can cause a human being to become what he or she was called to become; it can be, in the fullest sense of the word, an accomplishment.
FRANCOIS MITTERAND
Death, so far from being cruel, is an act of love rounding off our brief testing here.
ELIZABETH MYERS
It is impossible that anything so natural, so necessary, and so universal as death should ever have been designed by Providence as an evil.
JONATHAN SWIFT
Lord, grant that my last hour may be my best hour.
OLD ENGLISH PRAYER
If you would endure life, be prepared for death.
SIGMUND FREUD
Prepare for your death.
ST COLUMBA
When we are dead, and people weep for us and grieve, let it be because we touched their lives with beauty and simplicity.
JACOB P. RUDIN
Is there not a certain satisfaction in the fact that natural limits are set to the life of the individual, so that at the conclusion it may appear as a work of art?
ALBERT EINSTEIN
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Dying is like being stuck in a traffic jam.
There is a crown for those who endure.
ANON
Blessed be God for our sister, the death of the body.
ST FRANCIS OF ASSISI
Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance.
JOSEPH BAYLY
*
Mortal loss is an Immortal gain.
The ruins of time builds Mansions in Eternity.
WILLIAM BLAKE
PART ONE (#ulink_10218247-b7b9-52d5-92b0-da07d2a827fa)
* * *
BEFRIEND DEATH WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG (#ulink_10218247-b7b9-52d5-92b0-da07d2a827fa)
What’s brave, what’s noble,Let’s do it after the high Roman fashion,And make death proud to take us.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,
Antony and Cleopatra, ACT IV, SCENE 16
THERE’S A TIME TO GIVE AND A TIME TO GO (#ulink_08513f10-55bf-53d8-89d7-ecd5f49abf43)
For everything there is a season,and a time for every matter under heaven:a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up…a time to seek, and a time to lose.
ECCLESIASTES 3:1,2,6 NRSV
The advice that most shaped me as a young man was this: Do not waste your life on empty pleasures or burn out prematurely for some great idea; let your life be like a candle, which gives of itself consistently until, when it has given all it has, it flickers out.
I want to give the best that I have at every stage of life. In order to give my best, I must also learn to receive from others at every level of my being. When I have given all that I have to give, and received all that I have to receive, I will flicker out in a glow of fulfilment.
Of course, none of us will achieve this 100 per cent, but it is good to aim for it. We will learn through trial and error. Life affords us opportunities to learn from our mistakes and, whatever our failings, to increase our levels of giving and receiving.
If we live like this, dying can feel like fulfilment rather than theft.
THE SECRET OF LIFE IS THE SECRET OF DEATH (#ulink_fac2f9ba-89fe-5e68-888f-c1284956adc9)
To live and die well – this is surely the supreme aim. I used to think that I might do one, or neither, but certainly not both. Now I know that the secret of one is also the secret of the other.
A professional rugby player told me that the secret of being a successful player is to go all out, to keep your eye on the ball, and not to hold back through fear of injury or failure.
Some people go all out in life, but they mess it up because they do not keep their eye on the ball – they lose sight of the end of life. Others hold back because they fear they will get hurt or fail.
I used to hold back because I feared I might lose my security or status. A counsellor advised me to visualize the worst scenario that could happen to me. I did so. Then he challenged me to face that worst scenario. I did so. Having faced it, I became willing to go through with it. Even though the worst scenario did not occur, facing it set me free to live fully in any scenario.
It is like that with life. Death stalks us as an unconscious paralyser, even when we are young. If we face this worst scenario of death now, it frees us to live at our maximum throughout our lives.
If we live fully, we shall die fulfilled.
If we are champions in life, we shall be champions in death.
DEATH PUTS LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE (#ulink_9445e42f-c473-52ab-beb7-93cd29ecb5ed)
You may think you can get away with anything, that nothing can touch you, not even death. This ability to get away with things may seem to be your pride and glory.
The truth is, you will have to submit to death as surely as seed, once it is fully grown as wheat, is cut down and ground into flour. ECHOING ISAIAH 28
The prophet Isaiah believed God was speaking along these lines to ‘successful’ people who never gave a thought to anything or anyone else.
It is better to sow seeds of wheat rather than wild oats now, so that these will bring a good harvest in the future. Only so will the harvest of our lives be a good experience.
What you sow, you reap. What you give out, you receive back.
Living our life in the light of eternity gives us perspective. It sorts out our priorities.
WHEN FACED, DEATH BUILDS VALOUR (#ulink_3c152c3f-91d5-5f85-a75a-59aad8aff1e2)
A parent whose baby died said this: ‘Our baby’s death made me realize how thin and fragile are the surface things of life which we rely upon. Our baby’s death made me less tolerant of arrogance. It made me value respect.’
A daring hit-and-run robber named Moses, who had killed people in pursuit of his crimes, reformed his life and lived as a hermit in the desert. He became a soul friend to young people, who joined him in the desert.
One day his desert brothers learned that an armed band was on its way to loot their dwellings and leave them for dead. They urged that everyone should make a quick escape.
‘I’ll stay here,’ Moses said. ‘I have waited so long for this day. My death will be a fitting reminder of Jesus’ saying, “Those who use the sword shall die by the sword.”’
In fact, the murderers arrived before any of them could escape. Seven brothers were killed.
There was one brother, however, who was not in the hut with them. He hid under some palm fronds and observed how they died. He saw seven crowns, each one coming to rest on the head of a brother.
Olympic athletes who know that a medal awaits the winner go all out. To know that there is a crown stirs us to valour – to good deeds, heroic acts, unstinting service, and to the noble bearing of suffering.
THE ACHE INSIDE US (#ulink_913b7a99-7e74-5310-9b11-8418e86daddc)
Deep inside every human being there is an ache. We can try to drown it in restless activity, drug it with addictive substances, or isolate it by putting up defences. If we do this, our life becomes sound and fury, signifying nothing.
One philosopher describes this ache as ‘the existential loneliness’. This ache may become acute when someone close to us dies, or in the season of falling leaves and encroaching dark, or when we leave behind some familiar part of our lives, or when we find ourselves alone.
It may even throb when something triggers a sense of mystery – we fall in love, we give birth to a child, we observe a glory of creation, we witness a tragedy on our TV screen.
Perhaps we have a strong desire to hold on to some special feeling or experience, yet deep down we know that this is as futile as pretending that a snapshot can be the reality of every morning after.
Some never recognize the ache for what it is. The reason for this ache, in the words of one writer, is that ‘in the middle of life we are in death’. We want to achieve, to possess so much. A capacity for life seems at times without limit. Yet we know deep down that nothing will last. It will all fade away.
Our days are like grass.
We flourish like a flower of the field.
The wind passes over it and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
PSALM 103:15,16
That is the ache. The ache is there as a ‘prompt’. It prompts us to accept our mortality. Only when we accept that we shall lose it all will we be free to live fully, not as a right, but as a gift.
MAKE DEATH YOUR ANAM CARA (#ulink_b5936cec-cc6c-59cb-a714-f8cf1765e55f)
In 1997 John O’Donohue wrote a book entitled Anam Cara which became a bestseller. Anam cara is the Gaelic for ‘soul friend’. The soul friend of his book is not a person, it is death. O’Donohue writes:
Death is the great wound in the universe, the root of all fear and negativity. Friendship with our death would enable us to celebrate the eternity of the soul which death cannot touch…
Continually to transfigure the faces of your own death ensures that at the end of your life your physical death will be no stranger, robbing you against your will of the life that you have had. You will know its face intimately. Since you have overcome your fear, your death will be a meeting with a lifelong friend from the deepest side of your nature.
Death can be understood as the final horizon. Beyond there, the deepest well of your identity awaits you. In that well, you will behold the beauty and light of your eternal face.
Benjamin Franklin understood death in this way:
A man is not completely born until he is dead … We are spirits. That bodies should be lent us, while they afford us pleasure, assist us in acquiring knowledge, or in doing good to our fellow creatures, is a kind and benevolent act of God. When they become unfit for these purposes, and afford us pain instead of pleasure, instead of an aid become an encumbrance, and answer none of the intentions for which they were given, it is equally kind and benevolent that a way is provided by which we may get rid of them. Death is that way.
A great nineteenth-century Russian spiritual director, Ivanov Macarios, wrote to a widow:
I thank you having revealed to me the sadness of your griefstricken heart; a great radiance comes over me when I share withothers their sorrow. Complete, perfect, detailed compassion is the only answer I can give to your tender love of me that has led you, at such a time, to seek me out in my distant, humble hermitage.
Claire Evans was dying, leaving behind a husband and an 11-year-old son. I recall her saying something like this to me: ‘I don’t know exactly what is coming next. But throughout my life I have listened to a voice deep inside me, and whenever I have followed this voice I have found that there is a response which makes me believe that the world is, at heart, a friend.’
Practise making a friend of death in every way you can, especially by listening to the voice deep inside you.
START NOW (#ulink_10107871-e607-5f78-bb5a-e128761b5b98)
‘I don’t want to think about death,’ a 20-year-old friend told me. ‘I want to live all out and just go out in a twinkle.’
He thought he had no problem, but so do alcoholics who refuse help. They are in denial. A first step in the Alcoholics Anonymous rehabilitation programme is to recognize that there is a problem. It is like that with death.
Ernest Becker, in his Pulitzer prize-winning book Denial of Death, asserts that the reality of our mortality constitutes the fundamental human terror, and our effort to come to terms with it ‘is a mainspring of human activity – activity designed largely to avoid the fatality of death, to overcome it by denying in some way that it is the final destiny of man’. In other words, if we don’t face this when we are young, we may spend the rest of our lives handcuffed to death rather than being truly free to be ourselves.
Another reason to start preparing for a good death when we are young is that we may die young. Millions of young people are killed through war, accident or illness each year.
WHY DO PEOPLE DIE YOUNG?
It is not a bad idea to start thinking about this: it begins to familiarize us with death. Here are some answers people give to this question:
• Good and evil happenings affect the whole human family, like the sun and the rain, without distinction.
• God wants a variety of people in heaven, so young as well as aged mortals need to enter it.
• In the words of a dying boy to his mother, ‘Don’t worry, Mum, my body’s only my reflection.’
A further reason for starting to prepare for death when we are young is that old habits die hard, but habits learned early come in handy later.
I met a couple who were dynamic leaders of a tough youth centre. They decided on a job change, and were shortly to become wardens of an old people’s home. I asked them why they were making such an unlikely change. ‘We have realized,’ they told me, ‘that in old age the negative habits that people display in youth come to the surface again. In the working years in between they have merely been covered up. We ourselves will be like those negative young people when we are aged, unless we work on it now. That is what we will now do.’
Good Pope John XXIII started to prepare for his death when he was a student. He used to play a kind of game, imagining that he was on his deathbed. Years later, he made a wonderful death which inspired the world.
You may, of course, be past youth or middle age. There is still hope. Research into the effects of smoking reveals that, although the highest health ratings go to those who gave up smoking from their youth, there is still a measurable improvement in health if lifelong smokers give up the habit as soon as they realize they have a life-threatening condition. It is like that with our preparations for our final goodbye.
PICTURE DEATH (#ulink_c0f3f18d-9b29-5219-bd19-3795d659c87f)
Artists through the ages have tried to portray death. The artist Paul Klee died relatively young, and Death and Fire is one of his last works. A great dome of sun is held aloft by the skull of Death. Art critic Sister Wendy Becket comments:
The man who approaches is stripped to his essence: Is he humanity moving towards the grave? All this might seem sombre, yet the painting is aglow with the most life-affirming colour … Klee announces that death is a purifier, like fire, and a means of fulfilment.
The artist Rex Whistler, who was killed in World War II, wrote this:
I suppose it is really the exquisite taste and economy of the Genius who draws our lives which makes life so infinitely lovely and moving, stirring and glorious. It is as though we presumed to stand by the side of a great painter imploring him not to use the dark tones and shadows, but only to put light and more light. How can we know what the great mind has conceived the finished work to be?
The Jewish Talmud also sees a link between embracing death and discovering blessed fire:
When Adam saw for the first time the sun go down and an ever deepening gloom enfold creation, his mind was filled with terror. God then took pity on him, and endowed him with the divine intuition to take two stones – the name of one was ‘Darkness’ and the name of the other ‘Shadow of Death’ – and rub them against each other, and so discover fire. Thereupon Adam exclaimed with grateful joy: ‘Blessed be the Creator of light!’
Fire burns surface material and rubbish, but it purifies really precious things such as gold. If, before I die, I dispense with the flotsam, and let gold develop within me, I need not fear.
MASTER THE FEAR OF DEATH (#ulink_8caa199e-b053-5dae-bda4-83e3c1654b54)
The primal fear of extinction haunts us. Yet, as Franklin D. Roosevelt said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.’
A man comes to learn from a Japanese swordsmaster, who tells him, ‘You already seem to be a master.’
‘The only thing I have mastered is the fear of death,’ the man replies.
‘Then you are already a master,’ the swordsmaster says.
The Japanese arts recognize that you have to meet the fear of death in order to do anything – landscape painting, flower arranging, and so on. If you take the fear of humiliation, or of exposing yourself, and you ask what is frightening about that and try to trace it, you realize that you have a whole series of linkages in your mind which ultimately go back to the fear of death. That is actually the stuff that is controlling you, and if you were not connected up to all that, you would not be afraid to do anything.
The fear of death takes many different disguises. That is why I say it has to be faced over and over again by every society and by every individual.
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Ray Simpson
An inspiring but practical resource for preparing for one’s death, including moving stories, thought-provoking quotations and comforting prayers and hymns, as well as how to prepare a will and make funeral arrangements.In a world where nothing is certain except death and taxes (Benjamin Franklin), preparing for one’s own death is something that everyone will face. Ray Simpson eases the burden in this heartening and helpful book. Prayers, songs, poems, quotations and Bible readings will provide comfort and encouragement, and stories from the deaths of saints and ordinary people will inspire.A special section at the end of the book contains helpful forms to fill out, such as ‘On My Death Bed’ and ‘To Find When I Die’. A discussion of funeral arrangements and wills bring to light often overlooked details.
BEFORE WE SAY GOODBYE
PRACTICAL GUIDANCE, INSPIRING STORIES AND PRAYERS TO HELP US PREPARE A GOOD DEATH
Ray Simpson
CONTENTS
Cover (#uc1bf09d4-9e2c-5ed8-9e67-207d9d159193)
Title Page (#u693c17d1-1956-5c25-aba1-f172769cf9a8)
Foreword (#ulink_58996b9d-141e-574a-840d-51e2d6345121)
Introduction (#ulink_87ac1c9b-4ded-5b82-9e3c-cd86e49b0dfc)
The Things They Say about Dying (#ulink_8f4beb26-eb36-5ac0-a320-29806aa3e472)
PART ONE (#ulink_e08e4af6-9ad1-563c-b343-2af9bdbf56d3)
Befriend Death When You Are Young (#ulink_e08e4af6-9ad1-563c-b343-2af9bdbf56d3)
There’s a Time to Give and a Time to go (#ulink_d1563567-8b0f-55e8-9a79-ff334db77436)
The Secret of Life is the Secret of Death (#ulink_8634c5a8-1ec6-54b2-b393-92b7c893e9da)
Death Puts Life in Perspective (#ulink_9ea5809f-7e48-553f-b08a-c9f53c64712c)
When Faced, Death Builds Valour (#ulink_83a117e9-9449-5887-8202-496a22179366)
The Ache Inside Us (#ulink_01b4ddeb-ace3-5f9f-bb00-bf56480b3728)
Make Death your Anam Cara (#ulink_685f22d7-4cac-585f-b02d-6b6981f8897d)
Start Now (#ulink_fbd0916b-dee9-5bbe-89fb-51f318624783)
Picture Death (#ulink_3ea2815e-bdd5-5ffa-b344-5259b2611d6f)
Master the Fear of Death (#ulink_d5e4bc0e-5f5c-50ed-a51f-1e21bc688f31)
The Faces of Death (#ulink_7dc11300-b01d-5204-bbff-9e12dfa1eb43)
See Eternity in a Grain of Sand (#ulink_8286abca-5e1f-578d-9a8e-8ef751f3c219)
Live Life as a Journey (#ulink_2738c88c-32e0-5962-b3ea-e67f31e1675b)
Start With Life’s Little Deaths (#ulink_e122da90-841a-54cb-a119-5e830e14898e)
Practise Going to Sleep (#ulink_a80be923-e99b-5aef-a16f-7b265e40be1c)
Practise Making Transitions (#ulink_7176ab8d-8f7a-5011-9d4c-213cba04a350)
Practise Being on your Deathbed (#ulink_4e51fe38-d724-51c2-92e3-1c47d47315c5)
Practise Praying (#ulink_923f24b2-4963-5299-9717-89a0ef0df1ce)
Get to Know your body (#ulink_973252e7-9123-5534-91db-312953bebe76)
Move with Life’s Rhythms (#ulink_d322bc6a-180c-550c-ad29-88dc25a9d12b)
Come Through Rough Passages (#ulink_210d7322-427a-577d-9a6f-ce38c020ee38)
Red, White and Blue Deaths (#ulink_c164942c-b098-5e3b-a239-3a167b95594d)
Reach for the Edges (#ulink_46e7da1b-91f2-53cd-ad99-5803da303be6)
Review your Life (#ulink_ddd004ad-5ec1-5af5-b8cc-8b01b87ee65e)
Be Present to the Dying (#ulink_2306952c-40de-51f3-aaa6-2d12426ad5b9)
Enjoy the Communion of Saints (#ulink_10e91496-cdb1-5d82-ab3d-58857b453a65)
Encounter Angels (#ulink_2fe6f46b-eb01-5542-a34c-4bfea925d867)
Transformations (#ulink_71ba671c-4f9c-5103-bbd6-1c065338e268)
Be Prepared! (#ulink_4d4cee7d-80bc-5009-9e32-a232fc3109b9)
PART TWO (#ulink_7ac185f2-486e-555f-bc54-f1d4419dd7d5)
Grow Before You Go (#ulink_7ac185f2-486e-555f-bc54-f1d4419dd7d5)
Live Simply (#ulink_d64b0a3b-9dc9-5bff-8a51-bf161a0a07a4)
Do it Now! (#ulink_b5cb7e2d-8ac2-5939-8671-420681fed15c)
Fulfil your Destiny (#ulink_fcb88ea1-b30c-5c15-8330-15f98d10f80f)
Listen to your Soul Thoughts (#ulink_0321eb95-6b2f-5f1b-98dd-a3a08708d059)
Face Pain (#ulink_ca91b307-37ea-5a8e-9673-78f2f5fb17ed)
Know your Life Story (#ulink_57ccaa72-1a6a-50cd-9ea1-0e2d2ec2e4b9)
Share your Life Story (#ulink_dddfd262-503a-5656-86d3-efb17665a1e2)
Live Out of your Vulnerability (#ulink_b5290681-a1fd-5834-b927-59a8b0e80475)
Speak Out your Anguish (#ulink_d9c13cc4-37e5-511a-8570-f12a997296d7)
Engage with the Stages of Life (#ulink_f2b2e96f-b876-5233-9567-ea5fee176f35)
Be a Pilgrim (#ulink_98f6f4f4-16d6-537a-81b3-111655650024)
Accumulate Timeless Treasure (#ulink_d518b034-76fd-5f74-bb61-26c4dd6a1c8a)
Does Death Rob Life of its Meaning? (#ulink_9007b11d-df75-5b22-a130-bd1e2d1bb85d)
Become free to Move on (#ulink_73e61a42-44dc-56a4-878c-0077fb5b35c5)
PART THREE (#ulink_11109c11-14f3-517e-b977-c2247ff8abc7)
Go Prepared (#ulink_11109c11-14f3-517e-b977-c2247ff8abc7)
What Will you Leave Behind? (#ulink_f775ce14-2bd2-5a67-a443-cac20f055446)
Don’t Leave a Muddle (#ulink_ac60b793-3488-517f-9c0f-ba0bd7f5a30a)
Make a Will (#ulink_5bb78459-7f78-58f9-b926-d85972a415b4)
Apply the Golden Rule to your Descendants (#ulink_8f85ed67-92a8-5bfb-ad10-56247950ca7f)
Express your Feelings of Loss (#ulink_a5789d64-4f7a-588c-a46f-8539aa4a1e5a)
Acknowledge the Stages of Grief (#ulink_e36aa9ed-7a5d-5dd4-94ae-4f57930ca88e)
Be Real (#ulink_eca86bde-5161-5b28-8e43-71665f54538f)
Free the Trapped Spirit (#ulink_d5da30de-3f06-55c6-8675-6fc23906a1f7)
Release Compassion (#ulink_4d5cf93f-9169-52b9-b330-555c90b660f7)
Listen to your Dreams (#ulink_c9af4a09-6105-5335-9f0a-2d311c1980be)
At the First Glimpse of Death’s Approach (#ulink_981452bd-3b68-515e-962e-7e145c898b1f)
The Healing Power of Acceptance (#ulink_b540275c-b84f-5c1b-af93-dca51454ac57)
Prepare to Leave (#ulink_f0bd3f8a-e974-5240-9d46-19f6e8faa964)
Plan the Funeral (#ulink_080e476c-5cfa-5fd5-a153-3e76dc94b87f)
Celebrate a Life (#ulink_ae3d0151-429f-5e1f-985b-249b2517b63f)
When would you Like to be Remembered? (#ulink_66a10508-f95d-5e71-87d8-45ccb5a3a88f)
‘Honour Me, Don’t Humour Me’ (#ulink_64292f9e-50d2-504c-a3ef-137a17b013d2)
How to Say What we Want to Say (#ulink_3d3815df-e964-526d-9b14-45c42317977d)
Dear Grace, When I am Dying… (#ulink_7199d34c-1889-55f0-b68e-ca5943234f71)
Saying our Goodbyes (#ulink_91a7827f-9aff-51b5-9c89-c3fa3618ae6b)
Parting Gifts (#ulink_d5322cae-5730-5c4a-9b87-d80bf06dc9a8)
Epitaphs (#ulink_0fe6c870-db4c-5334-b064-b20163ebe1b4)
A Way to Meditate at Death (#ulink_3db5b856-9722-53ca-a6b7-01599d4e73a5)
Fun on the Way out (#ulink_5d1d78f5-5b49-59e2-ae4d-82eebccd889a)
Last Wishes (#ulink_9e4ea4e1-9674-5116-933c-047faa278e1a)
Final Words (#ulink_47a5e684-3730-5bcc-9943-7f14a3e34be3)
Farewell Blessings (#ulink_b3ce2bf3-63a9-555b-97c8-a8df49163fe5)
Anointed for Burial (#ulink_b4039202-deb4-578f-bbe3-b2d895e76199)
Choose your Time to go (#ulink_c772a9c6-794f-5bcc-828a-3fe10d126ed1)
Early Exit or Encore? (#ulink_4e9906c2-9039-5f6d-854b-689b810b7b19)
On the Day Death Knocks at the Door (#ulink_9ea4b484-e935-5fd8-9087-de0fbc046281)
PART FOUR (#ulink_b20cdd7e-0df5-5480-9fbf-8104888ce3af)
Create a Good ‘Departure Lounge’ (#ulink_b20cdd7e-0df5-5480-9fbf-8104888ce3af)
Draw up Your ‘Departure Lounge’ Guidelines (#ulink_5cba65ad-0649-54ed-8c49-29d6ded6853f)
Anything to Declare? (#ulink_3badb3af-3abc-5f83-8316-d626ecc45ff9)
Forgiveness Parlour (#ulink_7471e636-86dd-5a5c-97b3-33371aef7f64)
Music (#ulink_e1020b1c-5ee4-5527-a979-998728185585)
Prayers (#ulink_7e256faa-ce0f-5f7d-bfcc-58993bded494)
Angels (#ulink_b27e0e65-9324-5e3d-ba97-054190f59c8b)
Songs (#ulink_7e1b24ab-7bcc-5100-bba4-5dfcdc1ba4e6)
Poets’ Corner (#ulink_eff39505-0d3b-5f8c-81ff-3791f7d54be2)
Bible Readings (#ulink_2c2e5856-7ec2-5119-be2f-fc11714fdd34)
Things to Look at (#ulink_bb91d7c0-2db9-5179-9f0b-70a7fbac6f0d)
Something to Hold (#ulink_edba554a-cddd-5c33-86c0-779a10348c2b)
Diaries, Albums and Videos (#ulink_94b4ff4c-c843-5479-a51e-2f50e8219e43)
A Private Place (#ulink_71de3221-dfd9-5665-8ebe-ec1f8ae55007)
Liturgy for the Great Passage (#ulink_b1931de3-124e-51ef-af2d-6c766a8b90d5)
PART FIVE (#ulink_2719ebb6-03ee-553a-9877-ed290791354b)
The Other Side (#ulink_2719ebb6-03ee-553a-9877-ed290791354b)
The Long Jump (#ulink_d001f1d5-6153-5b0d-beb8-f480de3af55c)
Gone Where? (#ulink_89960200-3120-5576-a715-cca7cf12f709)
Life is Just Beginning (#ulink_4201504d-0e91-5b66-bd0b-d5a1171d3fac)
When the Saints go Marching in (#ulink_b53ca9a1-e40b-5cdb-8b42-c1204aecb161)
The Place of Resurrection (#ulink_a43d5ece-2f7d-5f18-9615-dfb4c9acd1c9)
A Veil thin as Gossamer (#ulink_521e273f-a961-51e2-96a5-366ed44bc98b)
The Morning After (#ulink_f206e8d9-489a-5dcb-9091-feb068d58358)
Out of the Body Experiences (#ulink_f6049f7c-9603-5997-94aa-7b33234a69f2)
Life after Life (#ulink_dedf8155-a20b-5530-9741-677eef5135f9)
What is the other World Like? (#ulink_d9e22502-08d0-50c0-8122-065de76391b8)
What Happens after Death? (#ulink_f1c0ab2d-4a69-554c-9df8-b0155d886999)
Images of Heaven (#ulink_f43ab946-874d-5a3c-912f-9c54aeacacf8)
The Eternal Struggle of Love (#ulink_c3e17a40-84d6-57c5-b4d2-14e7fed85e0c)
The Voyage to the other Side (#ulink_6e04be20-3030-5778-a6d0-488c5c114554)
PART SIX (#ulink_249aff25-cc39-51fb-9314-74218c05f27f)
Inspiring Deaths (#ulink_249aff25-cc39-51fb-9314-74218c05f27f)
Jesus (D. 33) (#ulink_76390e7c-5726-5800-9de1-d5d48cefc1c6)
Ignatius (D. 107) (#ulink_ad94db56-b3b4-5679-b39a-3c509a29870e)
Columba (D. 597) (#ulink_3f538463-91bc-5d76-8251-7dd15ff31009)
Moninne (D. C. 518) (#ulink_6df9e94a-765f-5fab-a004-95fbc958c478)
Aidan (D. 651) (#ulink_feeb7bca-7350-5c50-be67-0f2959688652)
Cuthbert (D. 687) and Ramon (D. 2000) (#ulink_17ecf820-f57e-5a96-a5d2-8b60c3cb1b4a)
Hilda (D. 680) (#ulink_a3d0d475-7fe3-5503-b6c6-588d190755aa)
Caedmon (D. 680) (#ulink_4252cca4-e908-599d-9a7a-0e9e557e4de3)
A Boy (D. C. 690) (#ulink_fede0ebb-9ed1-518a-83c3-2627bc90a011)
Bede (D. 735) (#ulink_04c97dcf-d623-5b50-a0d7-83b2a4af3a1e)
Mum (D. 1971) (#ulink_3f0d39fd-9945-5c5f-89ac-96d9448288b2)
Colin (#ulink_60f57acb-5d57-5f57-84a1-bddc2c046737)
A Dancer (D. PRE-1994) (#ulink_de0c0374-78d1-53cc-9f79-192e2fc68240)
Norma (D. 1991) (#ulink_6b67be01-86a9-5c23-9a34-579ea22a272c)
Nigel (D. 1993) (#ulink_79bd0bbd-5df9-5d73-8dbf-22740509bac0)
The ‘Sweet Pea’ (D. 1999) (#ulink_df7602c4-84af-59d0-ba1e-9917aae0bb07)
A Blessing for Death (#ulink_2cf4f334-8181-5e17-ba75-9b5485e1d927)
References (#ulink_5bcc5dbc-1eb5-5e3e-ac2d-67da0d188d71)
Some Helpful Books (#ulink_5d29760d-c0db-5411-ac23-b4e08e68ad6b)
Pull-out Forms (#ulink_a47a1139-ba1a-5256-a20c-3d0d98b9166b)
Epilogue (#ulink_bd4961c1-ba59-5686-bb79-b71e111d7043)
Acknowledgements (#ulink_a3618633-2b87-5536-b97e-a365f163bad5)
Praise (#ulink_db59b150-65ef-590e-bbe1-3a865722557f)
Copyright (#ulink_983d3d92-b159-516a-9d1c-c13cb123a7fb)
About the Publisher (#ulink_7b4fae9d-f4ca-5837-b3cf-778766e46e25)
FOREWORD (#ulink_cb74f5c9-7563-5362-896f-65d1c34c748f)
by Jean Peart
I am so grateful to God for leading me to this book, and so grateful to Ray for writing it. It was such a help and comfort to me when my dear mother was dying. The prayers in this book gave reassurance, comfort and confidence as I stayed with my mother during her last weeks to continually pray over her and, I believe, to ease her passage to heaven.
My mother’s passing was so peaceful and gentle (just like a candle going out). She indeed had death without pain, death without fear, death without death. A quote that has spoken to me over the last year is this: ‘One should spend one’s life contemplating one’s deathbed.’ Even the staff at the nursing home were amazed at the wonderful passing my mother had. The peace at the time of her passing and afterwards in the nursing home was like a blanket of peace that descended over the whole place for several hours.
This book is both deeply spiritual and very practical – a wonderful aid for those who care. I kept it in my handbag for a month, and sat with it in my hand through the last days with my mother.
May God bless and keep all who use this book.
Jean Peart
The Open Gate
The Holy Island of Lindisfarne
INTRODUCTION (#ulink_5dbcc666-f795-58fc-a1b1-5014d2b2150d)
Life is a journey from the womb to the tomb.
There are things to learn that make the journey, even at its end, worthwhile.
To live well requires us to die well.
If we are to die well, we need to prepare for it.
We are all dying. Some of us die sooner than others.
The best time to start to prepare for death is when we are young.
Please don’t die without having lived.
Please don’t depart without having said truly satisfying goodbyes.
The airliner went into a nose dive. A maniac had attacked the pilot and broken the autopilot. Every passenger was convinced they were plunging to certain death. Lady Anabel Goldsmith was on that plane. In seats behind her were her son Zak, her daughter Jemima Khan, and her grandchildren. A myriad things she would have liked to have said and done before they parted this life flashed through her mind, but it seemed too late now. She had time to utter only one word to them: ‘Goodbye.’ By some miracle the plane, only seconds from disaster, was saved. Lady Anabel was given a second chance to get things right before she said goodbye.
This book offers us a chance to get things right before we say goodbye. It may be our only chance. Although we can run away from almost anything in life, we cannot run away from death. So much has been written about how to cope with other people’s deaths. So little has been written about preparing for our own death. Those books that have been written are not the sort you would hold in your hand, or keep in your heart, when you are too weak to take in new information. This simple, practical guide comes from one heart to another. It calls us to live and to die well, to be good stewards of our short time on earth.
There are as many ways of dying as there are people. This little book will help you to plan your final journey, your farewells, your funeral and your will in a way that will uniquely bless you and those around you. Some are too fearful or thoughtless to do this. This book will help you to do it gently, in small doses.
Dying itself is a journey. We cannot halt it, but we may influence the spirit in which we make it. We can learn from enlightened people who have made glorious exits. We can learn from practitioners who have studied the cycles of dying. We can learn from the caring insights of the hospice movement. And now that hospital and funeral services are business oriented, we can be part of a citizens’ movement to take back responsibility for our own and our loved ones’ departures.
THE THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT DYING (#ulink_14d4d7ba-37b1-5657-984e-b6e0761e3589)
To die well is the chief part of virtue.
GREEK PROVERB
A good death does honour to a whole life.
ITALIAN PROVERB
It is a great art to die well, and to be learned by those in health.
JEREMY TAYLOR, The Rule and Exercises of Holy Dying, 1651
Death can cause a human being to become what he or she was called to become; it can be, in the fullest sense of the word, an accomplishment.
FRANCOIS MITTERAND
Death, so far from being cruel, is an act of love rounding off our brief testing here.
ELIZABETH MYERS
It is impossible that anything so natural, so necessary, and so universal as death should ever have been designed by Providence as an evil.
JONATHAN SWIFT
Lord, grant that my last hour may be my best hour.
OLD ENGLISH PRAYER
If you would endure life, be prepared for death.
SIGMUND FREUD
Prepare for your death.
ST COLUMBA
When we are dead, and people weep for us and grieve, let it be because we touched their lives with beauty and simplicity.
JACOB P. RUDIN
Is there not a certain satisfaction in the fact that natural limits are set to the life of the individual, so that at the conclusion it may appear as a work of art?
ALBERT EINSTEIN
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Dying is like being stuck in a traffic jam.
There is a crown for those who endure.
ANON
Blessed be God for our sister, the death of the body.
ST FRANCIS OF ASSISI
Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance.
JOSEPH BAYLY
*
Mortal loss is an Immortal gain.
The ruins of time builds Mansions in Eternity.
WILLIAM BLAKE
PART ONE (#ulink_10218247-b7b9-52d5-92b0-da07d2a827fa)
* * *
BEFRIEND DEATH WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG (#ulink_10218247-b7b9-52d5-92b0-da07d2a827fa)
What’s brave, what’s noble,Let’s do it after the high Roman fashion,And make death proud to take us.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE,
Antony and Cleopatra, ACT IV, SCENE 16
THERE’S A TIME TO GIVE AND A TIME TO GO (#ulink_08513f10-55bf-53d8-89d7-ecd5f49abf43)
For everything there is a season,and a time for every matter under heaven:a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up…a time to seek, and a time to lose.
ECCLESIASTES 3:1,2,6 NRSV
The advice that most shaped me as a young man was this: Do not waste your life on empty pleasures or burn out prematurely for some great idea; let your life be like a candle, which gives of itself consistently until, when it has given all it has, it flickers out.
I want to give the best that I have at every stage of life. In order to give my best, I must also learn to receive from others at every level of my being. When I have given all that I have to give, and received all that I have to receive, I will flicker out in a glow of fulfilment.
Of course, none of us will achieve this 100 per cent, but it is good to aim for it. We will learn through trial and error. Life affords us opportunities to learn from our mistakes and, whatever our failings, to increase our levels of giving and receiving.
If we live like this, dying can feel like fulfilment rather than theft.
THE SECRET OF LIFE IS THE SECRET OF DEATH (#ulink_fac2f9ba-89fe-5e68-888f-c1284956adc9)
To live and die well – this is surely the supreme aim. I used to think that I might do one, or neither, but certainly not both. Now I know that the secret of one is also the secret of the other.
A professional rugby player told me that the secret of being a successful player is to go all out, to keep your eye on the ball, and not to hold back through fear of injury or failure.
Some people go all out in life, but they mess it up because they do not keep their eye on the ball – they lose sight of the end of life. Others hold back because they fear they will get hurt or fail.
I used to hold back because I feared I might lose my security or status. A counsellor advised me to visualize the worst scenario that could happen to me. I did so. Then he challenged me to face that worst scenario. I did so. Having faced it, I became willing to go through with it. Even though the worst scenario did not occur, facing it set me free to live fully in any scenario.
It is like that with life. Death stalks us as an unconscious paralyser, even when we are young. If we face this worst scenario of death now, it frees us to live at our maximum throughout our lives.
If we live fully, we shall die fulfilled.
If we are champions in life, we shall be champions in death.
DEATH PUTS LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE (#ulink_9445e42f-c473-52ab-beb7-93cd29ecb5ed)
You may think you can get away with anything, that nothing can touch you, not even death. This ability to get away with things may seem to be your pride and glory.
The truth is, you will have to submit to death as surely as seed, once it is fully grown as wheat, is cut down and ground into flour. ECHOING ISAIAH 28
The prophet Isaiah believed God was speaking along these lines to ‘successful’ people who never gave a thought to anything or anyone else.
It is better to sow seeds of wheat rather than wild oats now, so that these will bring a good harvest in the future. Only so will the harvest of our lives be a good experience.
What you sow, you reap. What you give out, you receive back.
Living our life in the light of eternity gives us perspective. It sorts out our priorities.
WHEN FACED, DEATH BUILDS VALOUR (#ulink_3c152c3f-91d5-5f85-a75a-59aad8aff1e2)
A parent whose baby died said this: ‘Our baby’s death made me realize how thin and fragile are the surface things of life which we rely upon. Our baby’s death made me less tolerant of arrogance. It made me value respect.’
A daring hit-and-run robber named Moses, who had killed people in pursuit of his crimes, reformed his life and lived as a hermit in the desert. He became a soul friend to young people, who joined him in the desert.
One day his desert brothers learned that an armed band was on its way to loot their dwellings and leave them for dead. They urged that everyone should make a quick escape.
‘I’ll stay here,’ Moses said. ‘I have waited so long for this day. My death will be a fitting reminder of Jesus’ saying, “Those who use the sword shall die by the sword.”’
In fact, the murderers arrived before any of them could escape. Seven brothers were killed.
There was one brother, however, who was not in the hut with them. He hid under some palm fronds and observed how they died. He saw seven crowns, each one coming to rest on the head of a brother.
Olympic athletes who know that a medal awaits the winner go all out. To know that there is a crown stirs us to valour – to good deeds, heroic acts, unstinting service, and to the noble bearing of suffering.
THE ACHE INSIDE US (#ulink_913b7a99-7e74-5310-9b11-8418e86daddc)
Deep inside every human being there is an ache. We can try to drown it in restless activity, drug it with addictive substances, or isolate it by putting up defences. If we do this, our life becomes sound and fury, signifying nothing.
One philosopher describes this ache as ‘the existential loneliness’. This ache may become acute when someone close to us dies, or in the season of falling leaves and encroaching dark, or when we leave behind some familiar part of our lives, or when we find ourselves alone.
It may even throb when something triggers a sense of mystery – we fall in love, we give birth to a child, we observe a glory of creation, we witness a tragedy on our TV screen.
Perhaps we have a strong desire to hold on to some special feeling or experience, yet deep down we know that this is as futile as pretending that a snapshot can be the reality of every morning after.
Some never recognize the ache for what it is. The reason for this ache, in the words of one writer, is that ‘in the middle of life we are in death’. We want to achieve, to possess so much. A capacity for life seems at times without limit. Yet we know deep down that nothing will last. It will all fade away.
Our days are like grass.
We flourish like a flower of the field.
The wind passes over it and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
PSALM 103:15,16
That is the ache. The ache is there as a ‘prompt’. It prompts us to accept our mortality. Only when we accept that we shall lose it all will we be free to live fully, not as a right, but as a gift.
MAKE DEATH YOUR ANAM CARA (#ulink_b5936cec-cc6c-59cb-a714-f8cf1765e55f)
In 1997 John O’Donohue wrote a book entitled Anam Cara which became a bestseller. Anam cara is the Gaelic for ‘soul friend’. The soul friend of his book is not a person, it is death. O’Donohue writes:
Death is the great wound in the universe, the root of all fear and negativity. Friendship with our death would enable us to celebrate the eternity of the soul which death cannot touch…
Continually to transfigure the faces of your own death ensures that at the end of your life your physical death will be no stranger, robbing you against your will of the life that you have had. You will know its face intimately. Since you have overcome your fear, your death will be a meeting with a lifelong friend from the deepest side of your nature.
Death can be understood as the final horizon. Beyond there, the deepest well of your identity awaits you. In that well, you will behold the beauty and light of your eternal face.
Benjamin Franklin understood death in this way:
A man is not completely born until he is dead … We are spirits. That bodies should be lent us, while they afford us pleasure, assist us in acquiring knowledge, or in doing good to our fellow creatures, is a kind and benevolent act of God. When they become unfit for these purposes, and afford us pain instead of pleasure, instead of an aid become an encumbrance, and answer none of the intentions for which they were given, it is equally kind and benevolent that a way is provided by which we may get rid of them. Death is that way.
A great nineteenth-century Russian spiritual director, Ivanov Macarios, wrote to a widow:
I thank you having revealed to me the sadness of your griefstricken heart; a great radiance comes over me when I share withothers their sorrow. Complete, perfect, detailed compassion is the only answer I can give to your tender love of me that has led you, at such a time, to seek me out in my distant, humble hermitage.
Claire Evans was dying, leaving behind a husband and an 11-year-old son. I recall her saying something like this to me: ‘I don’t know exactly what is coming next. But throughout my life I have listened to a voice deep inside me, and whenever I have followed this voice I have found that there is a response which makes me believe that the world is, at heart, a friend.’
Practise making a friend of death in every way you can, especially by listening to the voice deep inside you.
START NOW (#ulink_10107871-e607-5f78-bb5a-e128761b5b98)
‘I don’t want to think about death,’ a 20-year-old friend told me. ‘I want to live all out and just go out in a twinkle.’
He thought he had no problem, but so do alcoholics who refuse help. They are in denial. A first step in the Alcoholics Anonymous rehabilitation programme is to recognize that there is a problem. It is like that with death.
Ernest Becker, in his Pulitzer prize-winning book Denial of Death, asserts that the reality of our mortality constitutes the fundamental human terror, and our effort to come to terms with it ‘is a mainspring of human activity – activity designed largely to avoid the fatality of death, to overcome it by denying in some way that it is the final destiny of man’. In other words, if we don’t face this when we are young, we may spend the rest of our lives handcuffed to death rather than being truly free to be ourselves.
Another reason to start preparing for a good death when we are young is that we may die young. Millions of young people are killed through war, accident or illness each year.
WHY DO PEOPLE DIE YOUNG?
It is not a bad idea to start thinking about this: it begins to familiarize us with death. Here are some answers people give to this question:
• Good and evil happenings affect the whole human family, like the sun and the rain, without distinction.
• God wants a variety of people in heaven, so young as well as aged mortals need to enter it.
• In the words of a dying boy to his mother, ‘Don’t worry, Mum, my body’s only my reflection.’
A further reason for starting to prepare for death when we are young is that old habits die hard, but habits learned early come in handy later.
I met a couple who were dynamic leaders of a tough youth centre. They decided on a job change, and were shortly to become wardens of an old people’s home. I asked them why they were making such an unlikely change. ‘We have realized,’ they told me, ‘that in old age the negative habits that people display in youth come to the surface again. In the working years in between they have merely been covered up. We ourselves will be like those negative young people when we are aged, unless we work on it now. That is what we will now do.’
Good Pope John XXIII started to prepare for his death when he was a student. He used to play a kind of game, imagining that he was on his deathbed. Years later, he made a wonderful death which inspired the world.
You may, of course, be past youth or middle age. There is still hope. Research into the effects of smoking reveals that, although the highest health ratings go to those who gave up smoking from their youth, there is still a measurable improvement in health if lifelong smokers give up the habit as soon as they realize they have a life-threatening condition. It is like that with our preparations for our final goodbye.
PICTURE DEATH (#ulink_c0f3f18d-9b29-5219-bd19-3795d659c87f)
Artists through the ages have tried to portray death. The artist Paul Klee died relatively young, and Death and Fire is one of his last works. A great dome of sun is held aloft by the skull of Death. Art critic Sister Wendy Becket comments:
The man who approaches is stripped to his essence: Is he humanity moving towards the grave? All this might seem sombre, yet the painting is aglow with the most life-affirming colour … Klee announces that death is a purifier, like fire, and a means of fulfilment.
The artist Rex Whistler, who was killed in World War II, wrote this:
I suppose it is really the exquisite taste and economy of the Genius who draws our lives which makes life so infinitely lovely and moving, stirring and glorious. It is as though we presumed to stand by the side of a great painter imploring him not to use the dark tones and shadows, but only to put light and more light. How can we know what the great mind has conceived the finished work to be?
The Jewish Talmud also sees a link between embracing death and discovering blessed fire:
When Adam saw for the first time the sun go down and an ever deepening gloom enfold creation, his mind was filled with terror. God then took pity on him, and endowed him with the divine intuition to take two stones – the name of one was ‘Darkness’ and the name of the other ‘Shadow of Death’ – and rub them against each other, and so discover fire. Thereupon Adam exclaimed with grateful joy: ‘Blessed be the Creator of light!’
Fire burns surface material and rubbish, but it purifies really precious things such as gold. If, before I die, I dispense with the flotsam, and let gold develop within me, I need not fear.
MASTER THE FEAR OF DEATH (#ulink_8caa199e-b053-5dae-bda4-83e3c1654b54)
The primal fear of extinction haunts us. Yet, as Franklin D. Roosevelt said, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.’
A man comes to learn from a Japanese swordsmaster, who tells him, ‘You already seem to be a master.’
‘The only thing I have mastered is the fear of death,’ the man replies.
‘Then you are already a master,’ the swordsmaster says.
The Japanese arts recognize that you have to meet the fear of death in order to do anything – landscape painting, flower arranging, and so on. If you take the fear of humiliation, or of exposing yourself, and you ask what is frightening about that and try to trace it, you realize that you have a whole series of linkages in your mind which ultimately go back to the fear of death. That is actually the stuff that is controlling you, and if you were not connected up to all that, you would not be afraid to do anything.
The fear of death takes many different disguises. That is why I say it has to be faced over and over again by every society and by every individual.
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Ray Simpson
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Саморазвитие, личностный рост
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: An inspiring but practical resource for preparing for one’s death, including moving stories, thought-provoking quotations and comforting prayers and hymns, as well as how to prepare a will and make funeral arrangements.In a world where nothing is certain except death and taxes (Benjamin Franklin), preparing for one’s own death is something that everyone will face. Ray Simpson eases the burden in this heartening and helpful book. Prayers, songs, poems, quotations and Bible readings will provide comfort and encouragement, and stories from the deaths of saints and ordinary people will inspire.A special section at the end of the book contains helpful forms to fill out, such as ‘On My Death Bed’ and ‘To Find When I Die’. A discussion of funeral arrangements and wills bring to light often overlooked details.