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Before Your Very Eyes
Alex George


New Man: Remember him? Didn’t think so.Simon Teller is the last of a dying breed. He’s such a New Man he’s sparkling. Struggling magician, gourmet cook, and jazz freak, he’s been doing Conversation and Quiche for as long as he can remember, but he’s so sensitive that all he’s managed to conjure up is a number of awkward crushes and infatuations. And now the women are staying away in droves.Enter stage left Joe, the Houdini of the casual sex scene and the man who, in the cause of true friendship, is determined to show Simon how to pull women as easily as he pulls rabbits out of hats. Under Joe’s expert tutelage, and armed with an array of cynical – and secondhand – seduction techniques, Simon embarks on a radically different approach to dating. The results are disastrous. A number of close encounters of a very peculiar kind with desperate divorcées, nymphomaniac Canadians, and alcoholic doctors leave Simon wondering if the beautiful American magician Alex might be different…A comedy about love, friendship and magic, and about how, sometimes, the trick is to see what’s before your very eyes.









Before Your Very Eyes

Alex George












Extract from ‘For Sidney Bechet’ from Collected Poems by Philip Larkin, used by permission of Faber and Faber Ltd.

Extract from ‘Doubt’. Writers: Smith, Gallup, Tolhurst © Fiction Songs Ltd Reproduced with permission.


For my mother and father,

Alison and Julian George,

with love and apologies for the language


On me your voice falls as they love should, like an enormous yes.

For Sidney Bechet

Philip Larkin




Table of Contents


Cover Page (#u1c5bf165-514c-58e2-bec8-ff41ddf14081)

Title Page (#ub7a50864-5f75-5753-a97c-016685f050ce)

Excerpt (#u529037f6-4b8f-5364-bdd3-e1cfa7d976db)

Dedication (#u54c529c7-643e-5fbe-8746-74456608b4be)

Epigraph (#uf34ced8a-11c0-55a4-8748-2b61c19e0fab)

ONE (#u77e5e0be-892e-5012-9e23-e58d4f7db47a)

TWO (#u6b95ba27-3e11-5de1-b997-e05dcc177eda)

THREE (#u479e0270-59b5-5ebc-a86f-de04a0733960)

FOUR (#ube37f57c-1876-5835-ab93-1c32b9fbc517)

FIVE (#u3488b957-3cfd-5822-90f6-641ffd4460fd)

SIX (#u6c929386-222c-5833-a33b-6319d7ecf7e6)

SEVEN (#u33a00828-fbac-5799-a5e7-9df5071ac9b6)

EIGHT (#ucc8bc8af-2a03-5a8b-a9eb-26a9862edbe9)

NINE (#u40b0d720-be80-55e1-bb33-2813e60810af)

TEN (#u05fa3325-d9f7-5439-a367-60abc8b3b38e)

ELEVEN (#ua9746f46-1c14-54df-85f2-ebf76285c972)

TWELVE (#u8be0f407-2e30-524a-991e-1b718249a94d)

THIRTEEN (#u3317ea8f-a905-5b49-9135-e0d20acef16d)

FOURTEEN (#u307ed696-14b8-52b4-83a9-5e5a09504eab)

FIFTEEN (#u6bfcd968-9e28-53fe-b4c0-43dc24a6f0e8)

SIXTEEN (#u8956207d-7109-50e5-b6d8-c3dd6b779278)

SEVENTEEN (#uc2357ddf-df40-5a23-bb39-9017fbc0fd5c)

EIGHTEEN (#ua1ba8e48-a3fc-5c65-9cb8-43074d3e1de1)

NINETEEN (#u4118c81c-2581-5736-812c-df7d2269e54c)

TWENTY (#ueb4d9ade-f8ae-5e60-8028-7c6868b2d199)

TWENTY-ONE (#u4edab04e-64f8-5c14-bfb1-c3d415b70539)

TWENTY-TWO (#u1cd4331b-0bed-556a-a859-8d424552609c)

TWENTY-THREE (#uf774e60d-84d4-523f-9bac-6a02601be6e2)

TWENTY-FOUR (#u5e92b936-fab6-56b4-9d8f-726d23ccdaf8)

DISCOGRAPHY (#uf2735816-819d-5e55-8343-1fe495477f7d)

About the Author (#u09c11a53-da00-59bd-b9a9-10fbd642cc18)

Also By Alex George (#uda71b700-46be-5e22-886a-50c2b5149993)

Copyright (#uc704e8db-a35a-5195-a15a-6905bf9705d2)

About the Publisher (#ue2cd9eb3-aec4-5f7e-a14a-a4d20ad3c9d7)




ONE (#ulink_96e6ba79-0dc5-5d5b-9c69-f6b828e6b8de)


Simon Teller kissed the card.

It was a hesitant, surreptitious, don’t mind me kiss. A small, I’m not really doing this kiss. His lips barely puckered as they brushed against the white cardboard. It felt good. He read the card once more, and then kissed it again. As he did so, he made a ‘mwah’ noise. Then, feeling rather silly, he put it down on the kitchen table.

‘OK,’ he said out loud. ‘Good.’

He picked the card up again, and walked into the sitting room.

There he cursed silently. That was the problem with these converted flats. The builders had got rid of all the fireplaces. Without fireplaces you had no mantelpieces, and without mantelpieces – well. Where was one supposed to put invitations?

For that was what Simon Teller had been performing his solitary act of osculation upon. An invitation, yes, but the word failed to convey the full import of the rectangle of reinforced card that Simon held. This was no ordinary invitation. This invitation was the key to God knows what, the ticket to God knows where, the introduction to God knows who.

Simon went over to the record player and lifted the stylus on to the waiting vinyl. Sonny Rollins broke into an effervescent ‘St Thomas’, his joyful, bristling, honking saxophone reflecting Simon’s own mood. Simon propped the card up against the stereo and stepped back to admire it. There was no doubt about it: it looked good. All right, the handwriting was messy, and the green ink had smudged badly. But that didn’t matter. What mattered were the names scrawled along the top of the card.

Angus and Fergus.

Yes yes yes.

Angus and Fergus were Simon’s neighbours. They lived in the flat immediately above his. They had moved in about two years ago. Since then, Simon had only actually seen them a few times – chance encounters on the stairs, mostly – but he felt that he knew them intimately. For the other draw-back about the building in which Simon, Angus and Fergus all lived, lack of mantelpieces aside, was extremely thin ceilings.

As a result, Simon had witnessed, albeit indirectly, most of the important recent events in the lives of Angus and Fergus. He listened to their rows, and to their drunken reconciliations. But, most of all, he listened to them having sex. It wasn’t that Simon was a voyeur, or whatever the aural equivalent of that was, it was simply that he didn’t have any choice. Wherever he sat in his flat, the unmistakable sound of heavy-duty bonking would permeate through the ceiling, causing his light fittings to wobble alarmingly. Angus and Fergus enjoyed having sex, and consequently they did it a lot, with as many different girls as they could.

Simon grew to recognize the sounds of the various females who visited the upstairs flat. There seemed, at any given time, to be at least five or six who could be identified. Simon would sit in bed and, recognizing a particular trill or coo, settle back into his pillows, knowing that it was this one or that one who was being entertained that evening. He never got to see any of these women, of course. They would all leave early in the morning, while their performances were analysed in forensic detail by the two flat-mates over breakfast. Simon preferred not to listen to these post-coital discussions. The two men pored over techniques and replayed certain copulatory highlights with the relish of football pundits analysing a questionable penalty decision.

Angus and Fergus led torrid social lives. Most weekends were punctuated by the regular ringing of their doorbell. Simon sat in his flat listening to the parties swell and throb above him with a despairing heart. How he wanted to join in! How he wanted to float and glitter with the Beautiful People! He would listen to the festivities as long as he could, and then would retire to bed with an old pair of socks wrapped around his head as sound insulation.

Simon stared at the invitation again. This was it. His time had finally come. He wrote the date in his diary, and put a big red ring around it.



It was soon after this that the worries began. Simon was out of practice at parties, and hopeless at social small talk. He met people every day at the shop, of course, and could talk to them. But this was quite different. At the party he would meet sophisticated people with beauty and charisma. He would have to sparkle.

It had been a long time since Simon had sparkled.

Keen to make a good impression, Simon instigated emergency measures to hone his social skills. He spent two evenings watching Wim Wenders videos, hoping that these would see him through any sticky conversational moments. He spent hours smiling at himself in the bathroom mirror, tilting his head this way and that as he listened to imaginary chit-chat.

‘Really?’ he murmured in his best Sean Connery, as the extractor fan whirred noisily above him. ‘How fascinating.’ He flashed his eyes dangerously. ‘Tell me more.’

As the appointed day approached, Simon began cramming information as if he were taking an exam. The problem was that he was preparing himself for the unknown. He had witnessed countless parties through the vibrating medium of his ceiling, but it had been impossible to distinguish specific conversations. All he was sure of was that the conversation must be awfully sophisticated. In the absence of any specific intelligence, he employed the cultural scatter-gun approach, and was ready to discuss – albeit at rather superficial levels – everything from football to Fellini.

On the evening of the party, Simon waited for several people to arrive before venturing up himself. As he climbed the stairs, he could feel his brain bulging with useless information. He clutched an excessively expensive bottle of Montrachet, hoping that it would impress his hosts.

Taking a deep breath, Simon knocked.

The door opened. In front of Simon stood a huge man in jeans and a striped shirt. Angus or Fergus. Simon could not remember which. Suddenly he realized that he had never actually known which of Angus or Fergus was which. The man looked at him enquiringly.

‘Hello. Simon from downstairs.’ Simon proffered the bottle of wine as a fleeing refugee might attempt to bribe border guards.

‘Oh. Right,’ said the man. ‘Come on in. We’re just getting going.’ He took the bottle without bothering to read the label, and turned to go back into the flat.

‘You been here before?’ asked Angus/Fergus over his shoulder. His voice was ripe with public school fruitiness, and ridiculously deep. He sounded like an aristocratic Darth Vader who had taken testosterone boosters.

‘No,’ squeaked Simon self-consciously. He cleared his throat and followed his host. The flat was in total disarray. The corridor was lined with piles of magazines, garlanded with dirty socks and crumpled underpants. There were no pictures on the walls. The carpet had been worn bare at several points. There was the unmistakable smell of unwashed laundry, uncleaned toilets, unemptied bins. It was the smell of two men living together.

‘Right,’ said Angus/Fergus, as they went into the sitting room. ‘Here we all are. Let me do some introductions.’ He pointed at an equally large man who was sitting at one end of the table which sat in the middle of the room. ‘Him you know, obviously.’ Simon nodded weakly. This was the other host, whichever of Angus or Fergus that Angus/Fergus was not. Simon swallowed. This wasn’t going to be easy. Angus/Fergus continued. ‘Next to him is Stella, then Joe. Over there is Delphine, and next to her is Suzy.’

Simon nodded, trying to take everything in. The other people around the table hadn’t stopped talking or even looked up.

‘Tell you what, why don’t you stick yourself there,’ said Angus/Fergus, pointing to the empty chair next to Delphine. He winked at Simon. ‘You’ll get on well with Delphine. Fantastic bit of totty. French. Très sophistiquée.’ He lowered his voice to a mild bellow. ‘Goes like a shit house door in a hurricane. Drink?’

‘Er, thanks,’ said Simon.

‘Margarita?’

‘OK. Fine.’

‘Right. Back in a tick.’

As Simon hesitantly sat down next to Delphine, she momentarily half-turned her head towards him and smiled, before turning back to the conversation.

Not much, really, but it was enough.

Delphine was extraordinarily beautiful. She had rich, dark hair which hung down past her shoulders. She wore a sleeveless dress which showed her exquisitely turned arms. From where he sat Simon had a good view of her long and elegant neck, but what he really wanted to see again was her face. In those few moments that she had acknowledged him, he had had the sensation of having the breath knocked out of him. Delphine had huge, beautiful, dark green almond-shaped eyes, which were embellished by the longest eyelashes Simon had ever seen. Her mouth was delectable, too, a perfect oasis of dark, kissable lips.

Simon’s brain began to haemorrhage all of the information he had been hoarding so carefully over the past few weeks. He could almost hear the facts whizz out of his ears, and realized that all of his careful preparation had been fruitless. Two minutes of sitting next to Delphine had been enough to empty his head of everything except the knowledge that she was without question the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. Oh great, he thought bitterly. I get to sit next to the perfect woman, and then have nothing to say to her. And she goes like a shit house door in a hurricane. Just my bloody luck.

Simon stared numbly at the table in front of him as the conversation continued without him. Come on, he told himself. Get a grip. He waited for a lull in the conversation, which, to his surprise, was not about Jacques Derrida, but instead was about a popular soap opera. Finally there was a pause, and Delphine turned back towards Simon to pick up her glass.

‘Hi,’ said Simon, who had now worked out what he was going to say.

Delphine turned her eyes on Simon as she took a sip of her drink. ‘Hi,’ she replied, smiling.

‘Er,’ said Simon, who had now forgotten what he was going to say. Delphine’s gaze was the equivalent of a cerebral enema. There was immediate and total evacuation of the brain.

Her eyebrows arched. ‘I’m Delphine,’ she said, her French accent adding to the already alluring cocktail of sensual stimuli she was presenting.

Simon gulped, and wished he had something to do with his hands. ‘I’m Simon,’ he said. ‘Very nice to meet you.’

‘Nice to meet you too, Simon,’ replied Delphine, and delivered a soul-destroying smile of impossible perfection. Simon felt himself spiritually crumple.

‘Who do you –’ began Simon, only to see Delphine turn back to the conversation at the other end of the table. He was left once again to contemplate the graceful, swan-like lines of her neck. Well, he thought, that went pretty well, considering that you’re behaving like a complete fucking moron.

A few moments later a large glass of off-white liquid was plonked down in front of him. A dusting of salt sat around the rim of the glass. ‘There you go,’ said Angus/Fergus jovially. ‘Get that down you and you’ll feel more in the mood.’ He released a loud guffaw.

‘Thanks,’ said Simon, eyeing the contents of the glass suspiciously. It had been a long time since he had drunk margaritas. He took a tentative sip, his mouth puckering involuntarily on contact with the salt.

‘Golly,’ he said.

‘Puts hairs on your chest, doesn’t it?’ said Angus/Fergus, grinning.

‘I dare say,’ mused Simon, thinking that he must establish which of his hosts was which before much longer.

There was a crash from what Simon supposed was the kitchen, followed by a tense whinny that he recognized from past nocturnal /performances.

‘Fuck,’ said Angus/Fergus. ‘Clumsy cow. Hang on. Back in a sec.’

From the kitchen came the sound of an argument, the deep tones of Angus/Fergus interspersed with the high-pitched screeches of the unfortunate cook. After a few minutes the door re-opened and Angus/Fergus appeared with a stack of plates. He was followed by a tall, skinny girl with slightly buck teeth, who carried a large Pyrex dish. She put the dish down in the middle of the table.

‘Rice?’ asked Angus/Fergus irritably.

The girl spun on her heel and flounced back into the kitchen.

‘Right then, everyone,’ announced Angus/Fergus. ‘May I present the traditional gourmet extravaganza. Rice and chilli, from an old family recipe, passed down by word of mouth from generation to generation. We are preserving an important gastronomic tradition this evening. Had a bit of an accident with the casserole, hence this rather unattractive see-through thing, but we rescued most of it off the floor.’

The cook arrived back at the table with a steaming bowl of rice which she slammed down wordlessly before sitting down in the empty seat opposite Simon. Plates were passed around the table, and people began to help themselves.

Simon took another sip of his margarita.

‘Hello,’ said the buck-toothed girl opposite him. ‘I’m Heather.’

‘I’m Simon. Do I take it you’re the cook this evening?’

‘Yes, for all the thanks I get,’ said Heather. She whinnied.

Do you know, Simon wanted to ask, that’s exactly the noise you make when you have an orgasm? Instead he said, ‘Well, it looks delicious to me.’

‘Don’t be fooled,’ replied Heather. She nodded sideways at Angus/Fergus. ‘He’s very particular about what goes in and how it’s all done. He stands over my shoulder directing matters. I don’t know why he doesn’t just do it himself.’

Simon saw his chance. ‘You’re the girlfriend…?’ he nodded towards Angus/Fergus.

‘Of Fergus? Yes, for my sins.’

Fergus! Simon settled back into his chair, feeling pleased with himself, and waited for the chilli to be passed around. When the bowl arrived in front of him he dolloped two spoonfuls of the brown and red mixture on to his plate, followed by a large helping of rice.

Simon stuck his fork into the steaming pile of food. He absent-mindedly swallowed his first mouthful, wondering how to make Delphine realize within the next couple of hours that she really ought to get to know him better.

Such thoughts were abandoned seconds later, as the back of Simon’s throat erupted. He gasped as the chilli began its descent to his stomach, charring his tonsils and scalding his epiglottis on the way down. His eyes brimmed with tears. He grabbed his drink and swallowed half of it in one go. He then struggled to restrain the coughing fit that the potent margarita mix provoked.

After a few moments, Simon recovered his poise. Nobody seemed to have noticed his discomfort. On the other side of the table, Fergus and Heather were arguing. Heather looked as if she were about to cry too, although it was not clear whether this was due to the chilli or what Fergus had been saying to her.

‘Let me get you another drink,’ said Fergus to Simon, abruptly turning away from Heather as she was hissing in his ear. He returned moments later with a large jug and topped up Simon’s glass.

‘Oh, thanks,’ said Simon, wondering if it would be awfully rude to ask for some water. He looked at the hill of rice and chilli on his plate, and the full glass of margarita in front of him. His head had started to buzz gently. Tentatively, he picked up his fork and scooped up a small mound of chilli. He switched the fork to his left hand, and picked up his glass with his right. Almost in one movement, he deposited the chilli in his mouth, swallowed, and then slugged back a mouthful of margarita. The effect was interesting. His mouth went numb, and the chilli’s passage southwards was marked by no more than a slight tingling sensation. After a few moments he felt the chilli sitting malignantly in his stomach, sloshing about in a sea of margarita mix. Encouraged, Simon began to address the rest of his plate in the same way.

By the time he had finished his helping, Simon was yabberingly drunk. His mouth seemed only vaguely connected with the rest of his body. When he moved his jaw he felt nothing, as if he’d been given a mammoth local anaesthetic. Now that he had eaten the food, his primary job, he remembered, was to persuade Delphine to marry him.

Simon carefully put his fork down on his empty plate, and surveyed the rest of the table. He noticed that most people had hardly touched their food. Delphine’s back was still turned to him.

The discussion was about jobs. Angus, Simon was able to deduce with what was left of his alcohol-decimated cerebral cortex, was an estate agent. He was telling a story about a woman who, he claimed, had tried to seduce him when he went around to value her flat.

‘So what did you do?’ asked Stella, who was sitting next to Angus, smoking a cigarette.

‘Well, what could I do? I shagged her, of course,’ boomed Angus.

Stella stiffened. ‘I see,’ she said.

Angus carried on. ‘She wasn’t much good, to be honest. Bit saggy, really. Desperate, you know. Quite sweet, but desperate.’ He turned to Stella, who was now puffing so hard on her cigarette that she was momentarily obscured by a wall of billowing smoke. ‘Nowhere near as good as you, my pet,’ he said to her.

Stella ground her cigarette into the ashtray in front of her with a ferocity which suggested that she would rather be grinding it into Angus’s forehead. She got up and left the table.

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ complained Angus. ‘What’s the matter with her?’

From the other end of the table, Fergus raised his eyebrows and drew a suggestive finger across his neck. Next to him Heather stared silently at her plate, saying nothing.

There was an awkward pause, before Fergus said to Simon, ‘So, er, what do you do? Get propositioned by desperate women in your line of work?’

Simon shook his head, more to clear it than to indicate a negative response. He tried his mouth. It seemed to work. He was aware that Delphine had now turned towards him again, but rather than risking another look at her face, he looked at Fergus instead, and said, ‘Not often, no. I work in a magic shop.’

This was met with a gratifying reaction of disbelief and laughter. Stella came and sat down again at the table. Angus ignored her.

‘So you’re a magician?’ said Delphine.

‘Sort of,’ said Simon. ‘I do tricks. But I sell them rather than perform them.’ His head had begun to spin alarmingly with the effort of producing entire sentences.

‘Gosh,’ said Delphine. ‘I’m impressed.’ She smiled at him. Simon was momentarily pole-axed, and grinned back at her stupidly.

‘Thanks,’ he dribbled.

‘Show us a trick, then,’ demanded Stella sourly. There was a murmur of assent from around the table.

The words echoed around Simon’s head until finally he managed to decipher them. ‘Oh no, couldn’t,’ he mumbled.

‘Why not?’ demanded Fergus.

‘Just…couldn’t,’ said Simon. ‘Too pissed,’ he whispered as an afterthought.

‘Go on,’ said Heather.

Simon shook his head. ‘Sorry.’

‘Spoilsport,’ complained Angus. ‘Go on.’

‘Absolutely not,’ said Simon.

‘Please,’ said Delphine.

‘OK,’ said Simon.

Delphine clapped her hands in delight.

‘Have you got a fag?’ Simon asked the table in general.

‘Here’s one.’ Stella flung a box of cigarettes at him.

Simon took a cigarette out of the packet and held it up in front of him. There was an expectant silence. ‘Right,’ he said. ‘Watch closely.’ He turned towards Delphine and beamed at her.

Simon clenched his left hand into a fist and held it up level with his face. Then he slowly inserted Stella’s cigarette into his fist and pushed it in until it was completely concealed. He opened his hand to show the cigarette.

‘Now,’ said Simon, ‘watch again.’

He performed the same movement. This time, however, before opening his fist he waved it in the air a few times. Then he lowered his hand and opened his fingers one by one, palm upwards, over the table.

The cigarette had vanished.

‘Wow,’ said Delphine. ‘That’s amazing.’

Simon’s heart thumped.

‘All right,’ said Stella, ‘now bring it back.’

‘Can’t, I’m afraid,’ mumbled Simon. ‘It’s gone.’

‘What do you mean?’ demanded Stella. ‘What sort of a trick is that? Where is it?’

‘It’s vanished,’ explained Simon.

‘Of course it hasn’t vanished,’ replied Stella sarcastically. ‘Where is it? I want it back. Give me my fag back. Thief.’

Simon squirmed in his chair. ‘I can’t,’ he said. ‘Honest. Sorry.’ (The cigarette now lay, out of reach, beneath Simon’s chair, where he had surreptitiously dropped it.)

‘Well if you were a proper magician you could make it come back again,’ said Stella sulkily.

‘Don’t worry, babe,’ said Angus. ‘You can have one of mine.’

‘Oh, sod off, Angus,’ replied Stella.

Simon took another long drink of margarita. He had stopped feeling the drink’s corrosive effect on his larynx some time earlier.

‘I suppose, being a magician, you’ve heard the story about the boy and the magic coin he found,’ said a man on the other side of the table, who up until then had hardly said a word.

There was a collective groan from around the table.

‘God, Joe, not again, please,’ said Heather.

‘I thought Simon might like to hear it if he hasn’t before,’ said Joe.

Simon shrugged. ‘If nobody else minds.’

‘No, I suppose we don’t mind,’ said Angus.

‘Right,’ said Joe. He addressed himself to Simon. ‘There was this young boy called Timmy. He’s walking down the street one day when he spots something gleaming in the gutter. So he goes over and discovers that it’s a foreign-looking coin, one he’s never seen before. So he picks it up and takes it home.’

‘OK,’ said Simon.

‘A couple of days later, Timmy’s sitting in his kitchen, and he puts his hand into his pocket and remembers this old coin that’s sitting there. He takes it out and wipes it on a bit of kitchen paper. And suddenly this voice comes booming out of nowhere. “Timmy, you may have as many wishes as your heart desires.” So obviously it’s a magic coin. Well, Timmy is delighted. He has a think, and then says, “OK, I’ll have three bowls of chocolate ice cream, then.” Just to check out whether this is for real. And sure enough, three bowls of chocolate ice cream appear on the kitchen table. As you can imagine, Timmy can’t believe his luck.’

‘Right,’ said Simon. He noticed that everyone was listening to the story, but that Joe was addressing it to him alone. It felt good to be at the centre of things.

‘Well,’ continued Joe, ‘Timmy is very excited about this, and wants to show off to all his friends. So next day at school he shows them his magic coin and grants them each one wish. Suddenly he’s the most popular boy in the school.

‘That evening he goes home from school, planning all the things that he’s going to ask for. He wants to play football for England, and have a fast car. But most of all –’ Joe held up a finger, ‘– most of all, he wants a shag. He’s desperate to lose his virginity. He wants to be the first in his class. So he decides that tonight will be the night.’

‘Get on with it,’ sighed Stella.

Joe ignored her. ‘OK. So. That evening he goes home and has his tea. He’s a bit subdued. His mother asks if everything is all right, and he replies, well, no, not really, and says that perhaps he’ll have a bath and then go to bed early.

‘In fact, what Timmy wants to do is to have a bath so he smells good,’ explained Joe. ‘He’s decided that he’s going to wish for Posh Spice to be his first shag, and wants to be as fancy as possible for her. So he runs a bath. While the bath is running he splashes on some of his dad’s aftershave, and brushes his teeth.’

‘OK,’ said Simon, nodding. The rest of the people around the table seemed to lean in fractionally.

‘Finally,’ said Joe, ‘he gets into his bath. He puts his magic coin in front of him by the taps. And all he can think about is Posh Spice coming to visit him later in bed.’ Joe put his hands out. ‘Naturally, Timmy gets a hard-on. And the thought occurs to him that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if perhaps he has a quick tactical wank now, just to make sure he doesn’t come too quickly later on.’

‘Right.’ Simon took another swig of margarita.

‘OK. So there Timmy is, in the bath, happily whacking off. And before too long, he ejaculates. So – he’s sitting in the bath, feeling pretty pleased with himself. And you know what sperm looks like in bath water?’

Simon nodded, keen to hear the end of the story. ‘Yeah,’ he said.

At that point the entire table erupted. Fergus banged his hands on the table in appreciation. Everyone else collapsed into hysterics.

‘Hook, line, and sinker,’ gasped Stella between breaths.

‘Well done, old mate,’ said Angus, shaking hands with Joe, who shrugged modestly. ‘Extra special.’

It dawned on Simon that something profoundly awful had just happened. Amidst the laughter, his brain replayed the last few exchanges prior to the onset of hilarity. He swallowed. Everyone else around the table had been in on the joke. They had all been waiting to see if he would take the bait. A feeling of intense and abject self-pity washed over him. He chanced a glance at Delphine, hoping that she, at least, would have risen above such juvenile amusement. She was giggling unstoppably. Simon sighed. That was the end of his chances with her, then. He reached for his glass and downed its contents in one gulp.

‘That’s my boy,’ hooted Fergus. ‘Drown your sorrows. Mind you, nothing to be ashamed about, masturbating in the bath. Even at your age.’

‘At least he came clean,’ said Stella, at which the entire party dissolved into fits of laughter again, leaving Simon sitting there, wondering how soon it would be before he could excuse himself and retreat back to his flat. He stared morosely at his empty glass.

‘Oh dear,’ sighed Heather, wiping her eyes. ‘Priceless.’

‘Any chance of some more?’ enquired Simon, holding up his empty glass. He decided that the only feasible method of survival was to get even more drunk than he already was.

‘Coming right up,’ replied Fergus, getting to his feet. ‘Christ,’ he said as he stood up. ‘I needed that.’

Simon’s embarrassment had raised everybody’s spirits, and the party became more animated. Someone turned on some music. Simon began to drink quickly and with determination.



A little while later, someone clapped their hands to get everyone’s attention. Simon looked up slowly through the fug of his booze-sodden brain. One of his hosts was standing up. Simon realized that he had again lost track of which was Fergus and which was Angus, but was by now far too drunk to care or to do anything about it.

‘Right, everyone,’ declared Fergus/Angus loudly. ‘It’s reached that time of the evening when we move on to the traditional party amusements.’

This announcement was met with a chorus of excited whoops and cheers. It occurred to Simon that he could probably now leave without too much fear of embarrassment. However, he decided to stay where he was for a little while longer. There were two reasons for this. Firstly, Simon realized that if he left now, he would probably never see Delphine again. Secondly, and perhaps more compellingly, he was unable to move his legs. He wondered what form these party games would take. He remembered having pondered this for hours from the sanctity of his own flat as he listened to similar parties go on into the small hours. He had always imagined that they would be terribly high-brow, intellectually rigorous games – having to identify arcane literary quotations, or composing sonnets on topics chosen by the opposing team.

Fergus/Angus went into the kitchen and came out moments later with a large box under his arm. ‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ he pronounced. ‘I give you – Twister.’

This was followed by more cheering and whistles. Heather took the box and opened it. Inside was a large sheet of plastic with different coloured spots on it, which she spread out on the floor. The sheet took up most of the remaining space in the living room.

‘You all know how to play, I take it,’ she said. ‘Two teams of two players each. The players have to put their hands and feet on a particular colour spot, as specified by the spinny thing.’ She indicated a coloured piece of cardboard with a pointer mounted in the middle. ‘First team to fall over loses. Who wants to play?’

Stella’s hand shot up. ‘Me,’ she shouted, and then turned to Joe, grabbed his wrist, and pulled it into the air. ‘Him,’ she shouted again.

‘Very good,’ said Heather. ‘Who else?’

Simon shrank back further into his chair, nursing his glass. He had already made a supreme tit of himself in front of all of these people. He was going to stay right where he was.

Heather turned to him. ‘Simon?’ she asked.

‘No thanks,’ mumbled Simon.

‘I’ll have a go,’ said Delphine.

‘Oh, go on, then,’ said Simon. He turned to Delphine. ‘Same team?’ he suggested.

Delphine smiled. ‘Good idea,’ she said, as she got up. Simon followed, wobbling a little.

‘Good man,’ exclaimed Fergus/Angus.

‘Listen, er, Fungus,’ said Simon, drawing his host to one side. ‘Before we start, d’you mind if I ask you a question?’

‘By all means.’

‘Well.’ Simon lowered his voice. ‘It’s about Delphine, actually.’

‘Oh yes. What about her?’

‘Well.’ Simon looked around conspiratorially. ‘Is she, you know, with anyone?’ He suppressed a hiccup.

Fergus/Angus shook his head. ‘Don’t think so,’ he said. ‘Footloose and fancy-free. And French. That’s Delphine.’

‘Really,’ said Simon seriously.

‘Really.’

‘Right.’ Simon hiccuped again. ‘Thank you. Most helpful.’ He turned towards the plastic sheet, now brimming with woefully misplaced confidence.

‘Shoes off, please,’ said Heather.

Stella squared up with Joe at one end of the mat. Delphine and Simon faced them, each foot on a different coloured spot. Simon looked with loathing at Joe, architect of his earlier misery, who had apparently forgotten his meanness and was now grinning affably at his two opponents, his conscience clearly untroubled.

‘Right, everyone,’ said Heather. ‘Ready?’

Four heads nodded.

‘OK.’ Heather spun the needle. ‘Left foot blue,’ she announced.

There was a flurry of activity on the plastic sheet. Stella, Joe and Delphine all swivelled so that their left feet were standing on a blue spot. Baffled by the rapid movement, Simon looked down slowly at his feet. His left foot was already on a blue spot. The dim light of understanding glimmered faintly somewhere near the back of his brain. Delphine had spun around almost one hundred and eighty degrees, and her leg brushed gently against his. Simon could smell her intoxicating scent. She grinned at him. He began to worry about getting an erection while his limbs were splayed all too obviously across the plastic sheet.

‘Everyone ready?’ said Heather as she spun the needle again. ‘OK, right hand red.’

The players went into a crouch. Delphine by now had contorted herself somewhat and was having to stretch to put her hand on a red spot. Simon tried not to stare down her cleavage which had appeared enticingly about eight inches in front of his eyes. Seriously worried now about the impending tumescence in his trousers, he shut his eyes briefly, but opened them again when he found himself losing his balance. Delphine had begun to breathe a little harder, which didn’t exactly help. Simon tried to concentrate on staying upright.

After a few minutes, and much to his own surprise, Simon had not fallen over. He was beginning to enjoy himself. A few spins earlier Delphine had finally collapsed on to the floor. She accepted defeat cheerfully, and had gone back to her chair to watch the game continue. This distraction gone, Simon was able to concentrate. He would pursue Delphine properly once the game was over. In the meantime, he had the opportunity to impress her with his prowess at Twister. Win the game, he told himself drunkenly, and you win the girl. Easy as that. By this stage Stella had also fallen over, and only Simon and Joe remained on the sheet. Simon eyed Joe defiantly. This would be a battle to the death, an opportunity to avenge Joe’s story about bloody Timmy and his bloody magic coin. Revenge would be sweet. No prisoners would be taken. He braced himself for the next move.

Heather spun the needle again. ‘Left foot green.’

Simon groaned. He needed to move his left foot from one side of the sheet to the other. By the time he had completed the manoeuvre, he was turned upwards with his back facing the floor. His arms were braced beneath him, twisted horribly, and his legs were bent, supporting most of his weight.

Immediately next to Simon’s face hovered Joe’s denimclad bottom. Simon tried to shift away from it, but he was unable to move. He waited for Heather’s next spin.

The bottom moved nearer as Joe tried to get into a more comfortable position. And then, without warning, there issued from it an unmistakable phhhhhttt.

Joe had farted, right in Simon’s face.

This was no ordinary fart, either. This was a fart born from the enthusiastic consumption of Fergus’s chilli. It was a sulphurous, cataclysmic bomb of a fart. It was a bleak fart, a fart without hope.

‘Oops,’ said Joe over his shoulder. ‘Sorry.’

Simon gasped in horror at the untold beastliness of what was happening to him. Then he collapsed, landing heavily on his wrist.

‘Ow,’ said Simon, just before he fainted.




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