Anything to Have You
Anything to Have You
Paige Harbison
You can’t always plan for the future.You can’t always choose who you love…Natalie and Brooke have been best friends forever. Brooke is the life of the party but Natalie has always been content to be the quiet one – until one night and one party, leads to Natalie waking up with Brooke’s boyfriend Aiden.Now Natalie is faced with the two hardest decisions of her life – her best friend or the boy who gets her in ways she can’t explain? The college future she planned or the biggest responsibility she’ll ever have to face?An unforgettable story about first love, worst mistakes and what friendship really means.From the author of Here Lies Bridget
Nothing should come between best friends, not even boys. ESPECIALLY not boys.
Natalie and Brooke have had each other’s backs forever. Natalie is the quiet one, college bound and happy to stay home and watch old movies. Brooke is the movie—the life of every party, the girl everyone wants to be.
Then it happens—one crazy night that Natalie can’t remember and Brooke’s boyfriend, Aiden, can’t forget. Suddenly there’s a question mark in Natalie and Brooke’s friendship that tests everything they thought they knew about each other and has both girls discovering what true friendship really means.
I woke up the next morning with an awful throbbing headache, a sense that I was in a dream, and a couple of seriously questionable flashbacks. I lay in the dark room for about five minutes, my hands clasped over my eyes and forehead, trying to make the spinning and thudding stop. When I finally sat up, I almost threw up, then almost screamed. On the opposite side of the bed, luckily as far as possible from me, was Aiden.
I left the room quietly and went upstairs to the kitchen. Everyone was still asleep.
I went to the fridge and got some water. Then I sat on a stool at the counter…and tried to piece together the night before.
Praise for Paige Harbison
“New Girl reads like Rebecca, as done by the CW. I don’t know about you, but that spells awesome to me.”
—Leila Roy, Bookshelves of Doom
“Paige Harbison takes on mean girls with her debut novel about a queen bee stuck in limbo after a horrific accident. Following in the footsteps of her mom, Beth—author of Shoe Addicts Anonymous, which is being made into a movie starring Halle Berry—the twenty-one-year-old has already inked a deal to give her book the Hollywood treatment. For fans of Gossip Girl.”
—Tommy Wesely, Teen Vogue
“Compellingly written from Bridget’s point of view, Here Lies Bridget is an ideal read for victims of this abysmal behavior [bullying], offering keen and witty insight into the emotional motivations of privileged narcissists…. What’s so engaging about Here Lies Bridget is its honest insight into Bridget’s self-perception…. [A] solid and intriguing read.”
—Susan Carpenter, Los Angeles Times
“The novel unfolds with a certain sweetness and a lack of cynicism, which I found refreshing. This may be because author Paige is only twenty years old, so her connection with a young audience is natural and easy. I appreciate the book’s message and if I had kids, I’d feel comfortable allowing girls as young as twelve to read it.”
—New York Times bestselling author Jen Lancaster on Here Lies Bridget
Anything to Have You
Paige Harbison
www.miraink.co.uk (http://www.miraink.co.uk)
To Emily, my best friend, and to all the others in the world who have had to really learn what friendship means and what it doesn’t.
Contents
Epigraph (#u4a94c812-43b3-5255-866f-14e0802b1681)
Part I (#u1286ef4d-e344-51b9-a48e-28a40ad04d13)
Chapter One (#u2f46b59e-bb5c-534c-ba5e-b6c1766692c1)
Chapter Two (#ub8f769d4-c43c-5e03-b89a-6b4562626817)
Chapter Three (#u46925907-ee5b-5107-902f-63b2e74c08c8)
Chapter Four (#u735057cb-8c49-57e4-8996-a8fa822ce7c4)
Chapter Five (#ua88ad05a-4938-5a34-9a6c-9eba2c19d8c2)
Chapter Six (#uee1e5d04-a3e4-574a-889d-1906ec5c2e28)
Chapter Seven (#u46dab064-be2f-5aeb-9f65-9f319a96bee8)
Chapter Eight (#u9cc5cc8f-ebe2-5662-9c4f-45c03aecd194)
Chapter Nine (#u8bff22e1-d3c2-504e-8c3c-81618c0d0e6a)
Chapter Ten (#u4deb88a5-02bd-537d-9801-b8faac295fdb)
Part II (#uf2f5db00-7f86-544a-809a-c98bd4f27fea)
Chapter Eleven (#u82b38638-41c4-5a82-bdd6-667abfdb6255)
Chapter Twelve (#u46f4207a-3b1f-5d2c-8384-6d39d59174b5)
Chapter Thirteen (#uc4ed791c-6712-5c0f-9177-ab964a9f8dac)
Chapter Fourteen (#ud512c458-52f1-5e8e-a817-3b97a403cd96)
Part III (#u0a28f683-e59f-5c57-bf39-5c76f97fb2d5)
Chapter Fifteen (#u687b5d2e-0ab8-5b9d-b17a-197dbf0888bf)
Chapter Sixteen (#u1ff50132-050b-55c1-a3ca-f8667e4b97c7)
Chapter Seventeen (#ufa38872f-479b-5dd8-80f1-251f2e237bc5)
Chapter Eighteen (#ue6c0e869-9f9e-5e82-af5b-548a7116c4e9)
Chapter Nineteen (#ua3282728-52aa-5ac6-8fb8-f74a089bceb4)
Chapter Twenty (#uea80178f-3674-5dc1-9068-4e935d6070dd)
Chapter Twenty-One (#u898c1950-9a7d-5b30-93b9-1ecca88cab21)
Part IV (#u2bdcf519-58ca-5226-8c82-cc463946539a)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#u811c5a1e-8d3f-5760-9763-9913e2612441)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#u95f01cf1-dd24-5e14-b430-45c33da87ae2)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#u94ea5e86-f7df-568d-8cfc-5dd4601ad23e)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#u72a31f86-afb6-557e-a37c-700d172c4625)
Chapter Twenty-Six (#u7fd423f4-63a8-5a82-8e9a-4d2a9b91acdf)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#u36c3d0c0-89aa-53a2-a482-0af177ecb19b)
Part V (#u45dca1ca-7522-5249-966e-6a063a6d35fe)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#u261f615c-529a-5757-9e3a-cd07403545c5)
Epilogue (#u2959373b-510a-58df-b80c-57b19a6d7c07)
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
—William Blake
Part I
NATALIE
CHAPTER ONE
End of January, Senior Year
I HEARD HER before I saw her. Music blasted from inside her car despite the fact that she was in a quiet neighborhood. I climbed in, and she turned down the volume.
“So fucking cold outside,” Brooke said as I buckled my seat belt.
“It’s winter, it’s supposed to be cold outside.”
She rolled her eyes and turned around in my driveway. “I’m moving to, like, California or something. I can’t stand this. Okay, so,” she said. “Justin continues to not notice me, despite my employment of slutty tank tops.”
“Who cares about Justin? He’s a junior, for one thing, and he’s related to Reed, which means he’s likely insane.”
“And I really thought this bra would do the trick, too.” She ignored me and pushed up her push-up. “My tits look totally awesome—there is no explanation for how he has not dropped to his knees in obsession yet. I mean, look at me, I am, like, an adorable fucking snow bunny.”
She raised her eyebrows at me, and I surveyed her pink cheeks, pitch-black mascara, ribbon-blond hair and absurd fluffy white coat.
Only this girl could pull that off.
I sighed as she looked back at the road.
“Well,” I said, “he is also friends with Aiden. Maybe he’s got some kind of...integrity?”
“Hah! That moron? Come on.” She shook her head, no doubt in the world. “He’s not picking up on it or something.”
I doubted that.
“All right, so he’s not aware that you’re trying to get him to want to bang you—”
“I want him to want to bang me. I would never actually do that with him. Ew.”
“Okay...so you want him to want to bang you. Maybe you shouldn’t be doing that.”
“I mean, I know that? But this isn’t about cheating on Aiden. Or breaking up with him or anything. I need to know Justin wants me, and that he would have me if he could.”
“You know that’s insanely selfish, right?”
“It is not.”
“Oh no, it is.”
“It’s an attention thing! Aiden and I have been together for what, like...a year?”
“More than that, but go on.”
“So, I mean, it has gotten a little...stale. And I don’t know...I totally don’t want to not be with him. But sometimes a girl’s got to get some attention on the side. I mean, come on. This is the last semester of high school that we will ever have. Shouldn’t I be living it up, being young and all that?”
“I still don’t understand why you want to stay with him if you need that.”
“Do you really not?”
“No, I don’t! You’re not even eighteen yet, and you’re in a relationship you clearly don’t want to be in. I’m just saying—”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“I am pret-ty stupid.”
“I’m sorry but you wouldn’t!” she said. “You’ve never really even had a boyfriend, Nat!”
“Yeah, that’s because when I know it isn’t right, I don’t stick around because he’s hot or because I wish I had those feelings.”
“Can we not argue about this?”
“We’re not arguing, we’re...discussing.” Things were tense for a split second before we both started laughing. “I’m just saying, I don’t think you should feel trapped into something that’s not right. You know your options are endless, and no one can blame you for wanting to—”
“You’re the one that we should be talking about.”
“Me? Why?”
“Because! You’re a freakin’ hottie with a body and yet you spend all your time at home nowadays.”
“A hottie with a body? What decade are you from? And hey, I’m not at home right now!”
“You know what I mean, Natalie. I don’t get why you do that. I’ll never understand it. You get asked out by guys more often than makes sense for how little you talk to people, and yet you choose to spend time all alone.”
“I choose me, Brooke!” I quoted the public service announcement on unhealthy relationships we had recently been forced to watch. Apparently none of the rest of the video had affected Brooke much.
“As I was saying, if you could not interrupt—everyone’s all about you, and you ignore them and don’t do anything. People still ask where you are at parties. How many events do you get invited to that you don’t deign to go to, or that you instantly decline on Facebook?”
She pulled onto a street a few blocks from “our” Chinese restaurant and parallel parked.
I watched the tires in the side view mirror. “What is your point exactly?”
“My point—oh, shit—” she rolled up on the curb and then fixed it “—is that everyone knows you’re awesome. What girl in her right mind doesn’t bother using her popularity?” She turned off the engine and stared at me.
“I’m not into the partying stuff so much, and that’s all anyone does anymore. I’m sorry! I know you like it, but...hanging around drinking disgusting beer that tastes like sewer water and taking shots of raspberry-flavored nail polish remover while someone’s mom is out of town is not fun to me. Neither is sitting in someone’s basement watching a bunch of guys in knitted hats smoke weed, or getting hit on by scumbags who aren’t even sure what I just said my name was.”
“First off, everyone knows your name. But...you know what, you’re right in a way. I’ll admit it can be like that on occasion. But it can also be really fun. And when it is, it’s worth it. I have some fairly epic stories. And, yes, Nat, you are happy. But you won’t have anything crazy to look back on if you carry on like this. When I’m old and haggard, I’ll have so many ridiculous stories. I’m afraid of your biggest regret being that you didn’t live it up.”
We got out of the car and—no surprise to me—she was distracted from her bad-influence-best-friend monologue by a cute guy playing a guitar under a heater.
“Ooh!”
He looked a couple years older than us and was Urban Outfitted from loose knitted hat to moccasins. His case was open and filled with the pocket change of passersby. Brooke snaked her way to the front of the small crowd shivering around him.
“And you were so cold a minute ago!” I yelled after her. I groaned and then followed her.
The singer’s eyes locked on hers, and he smiled as he sang the next few lines directly to her. She smiled coyly back, looking from his puppy-dog eyes to his khakis and back again. Good ol’ Brooke. She turned and gave me an excited shrug. She pulled a twenty from her purse and tossed it into his battered guitar case before walking demurely back to me. What I would give to have a twenty-dollar bill I didn’t mind tossing to the wind.
“He’s really hot, isn’t he?”
I looked at him. He was cute. But it was cuter that she thought he was superhot. Something about him wasn’t mainstream attractive.
“Come on, Miss Casanova,” I said, looping my arm through hers. Brooke was, as my dad put it, “boy crazy.”
“Thank you, you’re gorgeous!” he shouted after us—well, after Brooke—as we made our way down the street face-first into a gust of chilly, wintry wind.
“Do you think I was meant to meet him? Like fate and all that?”
“Him? My God, Brooke.” I laughed. “No, no, no. Let’s go get our food.”
“Fine. But he was really cute. And so good!”
“Yes, he was practically Paul McCartney.”
She sighed, her attention and gaze already moving on to another subject. “I want to be twenty-one.” She gestured at the people sitting in a nearby bar. “Look at them all—drinking and hanging out, not a care in the world. No school.”
My ADD best friend. She wanted one thing badly, then wanted another even worse two seconds later.
“Uh-huh. Because as everyone knows, drinking is the universal sign for not having any troubles.”
“Whoa,” she said, halting completely. “Is that...Reed in there?”
We both stepped closer and peered through the window. “God.” I shook my head. “I can’t think of someone to better demonstrate my point.”
James Reed was our local bad boy. There was something about him that made seemingly sane girls lose their minds. He was good-looking and extremely charming when he wanted to be. But he was also an obnoxious and contemptuous, self-obsessed douche bag. Here are the top things said about James Reed:
1. “I thought he really liked me!”
2. “One minute everything was fine, and then I never heard from him again!”
3. “Fuck him! No seriously, fuck Reed.”
4. “What a jerk. I wonder if he likes me.”
Here are the top things said to James Reed:
1. “I hate you, do not ever talk to me again.”
2. “You’re an asshole.”
3. “Fine, one more time, but that’s it.”
It could be argued that I was biased, since I might have been one of those seemingly sane girls that fell for a charming line and a boyish dimple. I’m a smart girl, but I wasn’t smart enough fast enough to escape his grasp unscathed.
“Look at him, leaning on the bar, surrounded by dumb girls,” said Brooke. “Of course he’s doing that. Of course he is.”
She bit her lip, shaking her head but still staring at him.
I sometimes feared that she was one bad choice away from becoming another girl burned by him. I didn’t object on a jealous level, just because I had hooked up with him. Once I was away from him, I never again was able to see why I had been fooled by his whole shtick. I cared because he would burn Brooke, and she would be humiliated. And then I would probably have to kill him.
“How did he even...like, does he have a fake ID or...”
“Probably,” I said. “Whatever, it’s his felony.”
“I bet we could get in. I look like I could be twenty-one, don’t I?” She adjusted her clothes. “We should try.”
“I am in leggings and a sweatshirt, and I’m wearing my glasses. For one thing.”
“Exactly! You’re being...ironic. And you’re wearing thick-rimmed tortoiseshells! You will blend right in with all the hipsters! You’ll snag some guy who would probably be cute if he didn’t have a handlebar mustache, and I’ll kick Reed in the balls for you. It’ll be fun!”
“I’m wearing these so I can see, not so I can look trendy. And no need to kick him in the balls. I’m pretty sure someone else will do that for us tonight. Come on, let’s go order our food.”
She let me lead her away, her focus stuck back on me.
“I think I’ve got something here, though. That’s who you need—a slightly older guy who can understand your love of the Mamas and the Papas and who will watch your Hitchcock movies with you. That—” she pointed back at the hipster bar “—is where those guys are! Them, and a couple of skeezeballs like Reed, who somehow finagled their way in.”
“I don’t need a guy to do those things with!”
She threw her head back and groaned. “Okay, you’re right. You don’t need a guy who can necessarily do that. But you need a boyfriend, Nat. Or a boy toy at least. You are seventeen and hot, and you haven’t done, like, anything.”
“Shh!” I looked around.
“Exactly! It’s embarrassing. You should be embarrassed.”
“I’m not a virgin, Brooke,” I whispered.
“Basically you are. Because it was James ‘the Dickwad’ Reed, and I’m pretty sure anyone who hooks up with him is entitled to be in denial about doing so.”
“Truth. But still. I’m not looking for someone to hook up with. And even if I was, I am not going to meet him at a Bethesda bar. Plus it’s creepy. If a guy is old enough to drink legally and wants to hook up with me, he’s weird already. I’m not into pedophiles.”
“Oh, really, you’re not into—Natalie, come on. This is a three-to four-year difference I’m talking about here!”
“Eh. Still.”
“Look, I know you’re into being all independent and everything, with your reading and listening to records while you knit scarves or whatever you do instead of having a social life—”
“I don’t knit. I just can knit.”
“In an argument where you’re trying to say that you don’t need to be more social, do you really think the sentence ‘I just can knit’ is going to win?”
“I am social! I’m out right now!”
“Nat...you know I don’t count. It was only about a month ago that I invited you to a party and you said you couldn’t come because you were busy, and I came over to force you, and I found you in an apron, cooking...whatever it was called.”
“Coq au vin. It was delicious, thank you very much. And as you pointed out, winter is cold. Coq au vin is hot.”
“You’re basically a middle-aged woman. Worse than that, you’re like a middle-aged woman suffering from empty-nest syndrome. You are too young, Natalie, to be spending your nights working your way through Julia Child’s cookbook.”
I shrugged. “What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to say that you will make an effort for the next few months. Not only is it senior year, but it’s our last opportunity to do this stuff together. I don’t know where either one of us is going to be next year for sure—I’ll probably be in stupid Pennsylvania—but I know we won’t be together. And I really miss my partner in crime.”
I had nothing to say back. Brooke was rarely affectionate or sweet, and these were not the moments to argue with her.
“Especially prom,” she added, grabbing my wrist and shaking it. “Prom, prom, prom. You haven’t been to homecoming or prom since sophomore year, and I admit that it was lame that year.”
“Brooke, are you asking me to prom?” I smiled wryly at her. “The answer is yes, a million times yes!”
Instead of laughing, she looked sad. “Look, it’s not only about you having the high school experience. It’s also that mine isn’t complete without you there. Please come out more.”
In a way, I knew she was right. I should go to events like prom and all that...but I never fit in at any of those must-do high school events. I used to go to big parties, and for me the experience was uncomfortable. All the girls waltzing around in too much makeup and crop-tops they couldn’t pull off because of the beer gut they already had, and the guys flexing their arm muscles and puffing out their chests. People either acted drunker than they were, or they’d had way too much and were trying to seem sober. Any conversation you had would likely be forgotten by the morning, and any hookup you had you’d hope to forget by then. There had been a brief moment where I didn’t hate it, but I’d walked away from my Reed mistake and suddenly had seen it all with new eyes.
The top five things you hear at a party:
1. “I am so fucked up.”
2. “Who brought her?”
3. “I think I’m gonna vomit.”
4. “I am way too high right now. No, seriously, I think I’m having a heart attack.”
a) Fun subcomment: “Can I get in trouble if I’m high and go to the emergency room?”
5. “Ugh, I’m gonna be so hungover.”
And then a lot of happy squealing matched only by weepy couple-fights.
But I did miss hanging out with Brooke. We used to have fun at some of those parties together.
“Fine.”
“You mean it?” Her face lit up.
“Yes, but you’re not She’s All That–ing me and taking off my glasses, straightening my hair and putting me in your clothes.”
“Of course not.”
“And you’re not going to then stand back, cross your arms and nod while the guy of my dreams double-takes at how gorgeous I’ve become.”
“I know,” she said, patting my back and leading me into the restaurant.
“Because in the end, it will turn out he liked me best before I got the makeover, anyway, so it’s really a waste of time.”
She shook her head, smiling. “You’re lucky you’re so attractive already, because you are a freaking weirdo.”
CHAPTER TWO
IT WAS AN awful, bright kind of cold out today, only made worse by the sea of red and pink that I had been swimming in. I know it tends to be mostly bitter people who say they don’t care about Valentine’s Day, but I...really don’t. It’s dumb. I’ll take burgers and fireworks over heart-shaped candies and roses any day.
I sat on a table outside of school at the end of the day, wearing no color that came close to pink, and checked the time on my phone. Fifteen minutes since the bell rang. I’d known I would be waiting, so I already had headphones in and was listening to my fifties doo-wop playlist. I sighed and sipped from the aluminum water bottle I had filled up.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and nearly spat the water out.
I turned to see Aiden Macmillan, Brooke’s long-term, for-serious, if-they-get-married-they’ll-be-the-definition-of-high-school-sweethearts boyfriend. The one with whom she considered herself to be in a “stale” relationship.
I took out my earbuds and scooted over. “Aiden, hi, sorry.”
“It’s all good. What are you listening to?”
“Um, the Fleetwoods right now.”
“Ah, your doo-wop playlist.”
“That’s the one.”
“That kinda day, I guess.”
“Yes, the doo-wop in the temperature put me in the mood.” I nudged him with my elbow.
“Oh, man,” he said. “That was bad even for you.”
“Shut up!”
“Just kidding. No Valentine’s roses today?”
“My heart is breaking over it. Please.”
“Right, right, I know you hate it...but I kinda got you a little valentine.”
At first I couldn’t tell if he was kidding. “What?”
“Yeah, really, I did.” He handed me an envelope. It said, Happy Pal-entine’s Day.
“Hah! And I’ve got corny jokes.”
I opened it, and out fell a package of what looked like some kind of seasoning.
“My mom swears by it.” He shrugged. “I dunno, it’s probably dumb. I know you like to cook and thought you would like it. I was going to give you a package of it randomly, but decided to give it to you on a holiday you hate instead.”
“That’s so nice of you. And...and weird.”
“I know, I kinda see that now.”
He messed up his hair and looked out into the parking lot, where people and cars were all weaving around one another to leave. “So to change the subject...did you see it’s supposed to blizzard this weekend?”
“No...is it really?”
“Yeah, it’s supposed to be a couple of feet.”
“Wow. Time to get out the snowshoes, I guess.”
“And the toboggan.”
“Toboggan! Oh, my God, seriously, though, I love sledding. Why is that a thing reserved for kids?”
“Me, too. And in fact, it’s pretty dangerous, as far as sports and leisure activities are concerned. So really it shouldn’t be for kids at all.”
“You probably didn’t do a lot of sledding in Texas as a child, anyway.”
“Nope, only when I visited my aunt up here for Christmas and we got lucky enough for it to not just be gray and cold.”
“So almost never, then. That’s probably my least favorite thing about our winters. Not only do they drag on for weeks longer than you want them to, but most days it’s just ugly out.”
“I completely agree. If I’m going to live somewhere with four seasons, I want four real seasons.”
“Exactly,” I said. “My cousins live up in Michigan, and as awful as Michigan can be—”
Brooke appeared behind Aiden, and I stopped talking.
Always dressed impeccably, she had also not lowered herself to wear anything in theme today. She was in black velvet leggings, a navy blazer and a sheer black tank top. The only thing arguably holiday-related was the Tiffany’s filagree heart necklace she was wearing on a long chain. She clicked toward us in her heeled ankle-boots, rolling her eyes dramatically.
“Ugh! I am so sorry, you guys, Mr. Andrews was nagging me for, like, ten minutes about how, for this essay, I need to ‘arrange my thoughts’ and ‘write an outline.’ Ugh. Okay, let’s get out of this soul-sucking hellhole.”
We climbed into Aiden’s Jeep. We rode with him whenever Brooke woke up early enough.
Brooke buckled her seat belt and turned to me. “Oh, did he give you that seasoning stuff?”
“Yeah, just now.” Okay, so she had known about it. That was less weird, then.
“I don’t know what it is, but every time his mom cooks, the food is amazing and it’s because of that stuff. So now you can cook me food whenever I want it and I don’t have to wait for his mom to let me come over.” She gave me a cheesy grin. “Oh, okay, so here’s our new mission, Aiden. We have to find Natalie a boyfriend.”
I leaned back against the headrest. “Brooke...”
“Oh, shush, I know better than you. I’m thinking she needs a hipster-type guy.”
“I told you, I don’t want some weird poser who wears nonprescription Ray-Bans. It’s really not my thing.”
“That shouldn’t be anybody’s thing,” said Aiden.
“Agreed.”
“No, guys,” Brooke said, “not the annoying kind of hipster who’s just catching on to the mainstream hipster thing, more someone who is a little off-kilter, but not to an annoying extent.”
“I already think he sounds lame.”
“Nat, be real, I’m not saying he needs to be exactly anything. I mean someone who is into the same things as you. You’re not going to date, like, a football player.” She gestured at Aiden. “I don’t see that being something you’re into. Or maybe you need someone who is your total opposite. I don’t know! It’s going to be fun to shop you around. Which is why—” she pulled out her phone and opened up Facebook “—we are going to this tomorrow night.”
I took the phone and looked at it. “Stupid Cupid Rager?”
“Yes. It’s at Alexa’s place, have you been there? Well, it’s huge and has a pool table and a movie theater, and is the best. We’re hoping to get snowed in there. It’s even better in summer because of the pool in the back, but whatever. It’ll be fun, anyway. She has a hot tub!”
“Snowed in?” I groaned. “That seems like it could be kind of a nightmare.”
“Yeah,” Aiden agreed. “There are more than a few people I would rather not be locked in a house with.”
“God, Mom and Dad, chill out. It’s going to be fun goddammit.”
Aiden’s eyes shifted to mine in the rearview. I stifled my grin.
“Point is,” Brooke went on, “there’ll be a ton of people there and it’s going to be awesome. Lots of guys. And Alexa used to go to Northwest, so I think we might not already know and be sick of them all. Bonus!”
“Does Natalie even want a boyfriend?”
“Aiden. Every girl secretly wants a boyfriend, no matter what they cop to. It’s how the world works.”
“Brooke, I’m not searching that desperately. I’m actually not even searching. You are. For me. Without being asked.”
“I know you’re not, you’re doing the opposite! You’re hiding! And what happens if you squander your youth and beauty by not even trying?” She glanced back at me again. “You’re always going to be pretty but you know what I’m trying to say.”
“I don’t see the point in wasting time or youth on some drunk LAX bro, either.”
“Then you haven’t met some of the LAX bros I know. What?” Aiden was giving her a look. She rolled her eyes and turned back to me. “He’s being jealous. So will you go?”
“I don’t know...”
“Come on! You promised!”
She gave me her best puppy-dog eyes. They didn’t work on me ordinarily, but I had promised. And I didn’t have any plans.
“Fine! Fine, if it’s that important to you, I’ll go.”
She squealed.
* * *
“GO TO THE party, Natalie.”
“But I don’t wanna.” I was bent over the back of the couch, a listless sack of un-fun. My father was in the kitchen making us egg salad sandwiches and trying to convince me to be a teenager.
“Brooke is right—there are certain things you have to do at your age. Even if it’s not fun, you’ll be with your best friend. And Aiden, you two are friends.”
“Yeah, I know. But Brooke tends to gets wasted and wander off, and then I’m left alone.”
“Tell her in the beginning of the night, say, ‘Brooke, I would really appreciate if you could make an effort—’”
“Dad, Dad, Dad,” I cut him off, pushing myself off the couch and holding up a hand. “Do you really see that being a real conversation? No, she’s going to do what she wants, and it would be incredibly loserish of me to have a conversation about sticking by my side.”
“Fair enough.” He cut my sandwich diagonally, and then cut his down the middle. “Then hang out with Aiden.”
He turned around and gave me a look.
“Shut up!” I said, covering my face with the neck of my hoodie.
“Aiden and Natalie, sittin’ in a tree...”
“Dad! He’s Brooke’s boyfriend, I don’t know why you’re so intent on me having a crush on him.”
“I’m not getting in your business. All I know is, my daughter is a big fan of his, and I like him.” He shrugged and brought over the sandwiches. “The guy watches football with me while you and Brooke shriek upstairs, doing your makeup and comparing split ends or whatever it is you do. Can’t help but like him.”
“Yep, you nailed it, Dad. ‘No, Brooke, my split ends are better than your split ends!’”
“I say go, be careful—” he handed me my plate “—don’t get housed or make mistakes, but have fun. Let Brooke force you to have a good time. Gotta admit, I see where she’s coming from. You do hang out with your dad too much. You’re, like, so uncool.”
I laughed and unpaused the episode of The Office we were watching. And resigned myself to attending the Stupid Cupid Rager. When even your dad tells you you’re a pitiful homebody, you really ought to get out of the house.
* * *
WE PARKED ON the street and made our way up to the house. It was already starting to snow. Brooke, Aiden and I left footprints in the white dust as we walked.
Inside, I saw exactly what I expected to see. A room full of wasted people shouting, guffawing, flirting and mostly trying to look hot.
“Yup,” I said to Brooke and Aiden. “Pretty much exactly how I remembered it.”
Aiden laughed, but Brooke punched me on the arm. “Give it a chance!”
Alexa, the good host, came over to greet us. “You guys! You got Natalie to come?” She extended her arms for a hug, her mouth agape.
“Alexa, hi!” I hugged her back and gave her a little pat on the shoulder. “Good to see you, thanks for having me.”
“Oh, anytime, girl. Well, any time my mom goes out of town.” She giggled. “Does this mean you’re going to finally hang out with us again?”
Brooke gave me a look that a mother might give a daughter who needs to say thank you.
“Yeah, definitely. Senior year and all that.” I smiled enthusiastically to try to make up for how lame I sounded. Brooke looked pleased, then turned from us and scurried away to talk to other people.
“Oh, I know, I’m so excited! But so sad, too. I’m going to miss everyone so much.” She shook her head. “May is getting closer and closer every day.”
There was a small drop in my stomach. I, too, was dreading the end of the year, but not for the same reasons a girl like Alexa was. While hers was more of a melancholy dread, mine was outright terror at the fact that I had no clear “next step.”
“Crazy!” She downed the rest of whatever was in her red cup and swayed a little. “Ohmigod, so you have to come take a shot with me right now.”
“Shots? Eee...I don’t know...”
I remembered all too well the feeling of throwing up after too much liquor. I had been part of the group when we were freshmen and sophomores. We had mostly gone to the movies or gotten dropped off at the mall to go shopping—I was usually tagging along, never having much money—or we had sleepovers. It wasn’t until the end of sophomore year when Brooke had gotten hold of a few bottles of wine that things started to change. Then it was a hop, skip and a jump to the big parties they were still into.
That unfortunate night with Reed, I had done shots.
“Just one!” Alexa insisted.
“Um—” I didn’t know how to get out of it. I lacked the ability to put my foot down, like I knew I should. I had an incessant need to please people, but almost none of the wherewithal to do so.
“Natalieeeee!” said Brooke, coming up to us. She had taken off her coat and was wearing a tight red tank top with a black bra. Her necklace dangled scandalously between her boobs.
She grabbed me by the shoulders. “Natalie is letting me be her party godmother this year. Which means she’s actually going to have some fun and stop sitting at home all the time.”
“Sick! We’re going to have such a blast! The rest of this year is going to be insane. I mean, how could it not be? We already got accepted to schools for next year, so who gives a fuck?”
There was a whoop from the people around us. Brooke ambled away again.
My cheeks went slightly hot, and I wanted to make sure no one tried to ask me about my plans.
“You’re going to Arizona, right?” I asked Alexa, recalling what Brooke had told me. One of my few skills was remembering details about people. This would be great if I actually knew any of them well anymore and could come off more like a good friend and less like a stalker.
“Yes! I’m ready to bake in the sun. I can’t stand this cold weather. My aunt lives out there and absolutely loves it. I’ve heard people either love it or hate it there. I hope I love it, ya know?”
“Oh, I’m sure you will. And hey, if you don’t, you can always soak up a good base tan and a few credits and go somewhere else, right?”
She smiled at me, looking like that somehow actually made her feel better. “Exactly. Exactly! You’re totally right, Natalie. That’s how I need to look at it.”
I basked in the glow of her approval and became suddenly desperate for more. “Okay, let’s do a shot.”
She squealed and pulled me over to the counter, where Brooke had gone to squeal with a girl named Bethany, who I had always disliked. For almost no reason—she just bugged me.
“Brookie! Natalie said she’d do a shot!”
Brooke looked surprised, but she smiled. “That’s my girl!”
It was kind of funny to see Brooke in her element. I was used to slightly dopey Brooke, who was a little off the wall and could always crack me up or unselfconsciously pull an ugly face. But here she was, her hair swooshed to one shoulder, confidently chatting with the people around her while she poured vodka into a shaker with ice and whatever else. She really was good at the whole “being the queen” thing.
She had that smile that looked real every time. She sounded interested, surprised, shocked, or however it was you wanted her to sound when you told her something. She made the people around her feel interesting, funny or attractive, and all the while it was clear that she was the most interesting, funny and attractive person in the room.
I came off as the opposite. I didn’t want to take a shot, so I immediately felt like the prude. Which sucked. Because honestly, I simply didn’t want to.
When I talked to people, I felt like I could never think of the right response or anything clever to say. I was fine with people I really knew. Smart, and even funny sometimes. But with strangers or acquaintances, I was a mess.
“Ready?” asked Brooke, handing me my first two ounces of regret. “It’s not that bad, I promise.”
“To senior freaking year!” screamed Alexa. Everyone cheered.
I took the shot and was unable to play it cool, reaching for something, anything, else to shoot back afterward, but there was nothing. I became the unwilling center of attention as everyone around me, clearly unfazed by the sting, laughed or looked at me like I was their little sister or something. Someone even went, “Aww!”
“Oh, God, was it really that bad for you?” Brooke hugged me. “I’m so sorry, Nat. Whoo!” She widened her eyes. “All right, that’ll probably do you for a while. I wanna play darts, come play with me!”
She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me through the party, and up onto the stage that is her life.
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Paige Harbison
You can’t always plan for the future.You can’t always choose who you love…Natalie and Brooke have been best friends forever. Brooke is the life of the party but Natalie has always been content to be the quiet one – until one night and one party, leads to Natalie waking up with Brooke’s boyfriend Aiden.Now Natalie is faced with the two hardest decisions of her life – her best friend or the boy who gets her in ways she can’t explain? The college future she planned or the biggest responsibility she’ll ever have to face?An unforgettable story about first love, worst mistakes and what friendship really means.From the author of Here Lies Bridget
Nothing should come between best friends, not even boys. ESPECIALLY not boys.
Natalie and Brooke have had each other’s backs forever. Natalie is the quiet one, college bound and happy to stay home and watch old movies. Brooke is the movie—the life of every party, the girl everyone wants to be.
Then it happens—one crazy night that Natalie can’t remember and Brooke’s boyfriend, Aiden, can’t forget. Suddenly there’s a question mark in Natalie and Brooke’s friendship that tests everything they thought they knew about each other and has both girls discovering what true friendship really means.
I woke up the next morning with an awful throbbing headache, a sense that I was in a dream, and a couple of seriously questionable flashbacks. I lay in the dark room for about five minutes, my hands clasped over my eyes and forehead, trying to make the spinning and thudding stop. When I finally sat up, I almost threw up, then almost screamed. On the opposite side of the bed, luckily as far as possible from me, was Aiden.
I left the room quietly and went upstairs to the kitchen. Everyone was still asleep.
I went to the fridge and got some water. Then I sat on a stool at the counter…and tried to piece together the night before.
Praise for Paige Harbison
“New Girl reads like Rebecca, as done by the CW. I don’t know about you, but that spells awesome to me.”
—Leila Roy, Bookshelves of Doom
“Paige Harbison takes on mean girls with her debut novel about a queen bee stuck in limbo after a horrific accident. Following in the footsteps of her mom, Beth—author of Shoe Addicts Anonymous, which is being made into a movie starring Halle Berry—the twenty-one-year-old has already inked a deal to give her book the Hollywood treatment. For fans of Gossip Girl.”
—Tommy Wesely, Teen Vogue
“Compellingly written from Bridget’s point of view, Here Lies Bridget is an ideal read for victims of this abysmal behavior [bullying], offering keen and witty insight into the emotional motivations of privileged narcissists…. What’s so engaging about Here Lies Bridget is its honest insight into Bridget’s self-perception…. [A] solid and intriguing read.”
—Susan Carpenter, Los Angeles Times
“The novel unfolds with a certain sweetness and a lack of cynicism, which I found refreshing. This may be because author Paige is only twenty years old, so her connection with a young audience is natural and easy. I appreciate the book’s message and if I had kids, I’d feel comfortable allowing girls as young as twelve to read it.”
—New York Times bestselling author Jen Lancaster on Here Lies Bridget
Anything to Have You
Paige Harbison
www.miraink.co.uk (http://www.miraink.co.uk)
To Emily, my best friend, and to all the others in the world who have had to really learn what friendship means and what it doesn’t.
Contents
Epigraph (#u4a94c812-43b3-5255-866f-14e0802b1681)
Part I (#u1286ef4d-e344-51b9-a48e-28a40ad04d13)
Chapter One (#u2f46b59e-bb5c-534c-ba5e-b6c1766692c1)
Chapter Two (#ub8f769d4-c43c-5e03-b89a-6b4562626817)
Chapter Three (#u46925907-ee5b-5107-902f-63b2e74c08c8)
Chapter Four (#u735057cb-8c49-57e4-8996-a8fa822ce7c4)
Chapter Five (#ua88ad05a-4938-5a34-9a6c-9eba2c19d8c2)
Chapter Six (#uee1e5d04-a3e4-574a-889d-1906ec5c2e28)
Chapter Seven (#u46dab064-be2f-5aeb-9f65-9f319a96bee8)
Chapter Eight (#u9cc5cc8f-ebe2-5662-9c4f-45c03aecd194)
Chapter Nine (#u8bff22e1-d3c2-504e-8c3c-81618c0d0e6a)
Chapter Ten (#u4deb88a5-02bd-537d-9801-b8faac295fdb)
Part II (#uf2f5db00-7f86-544a-809a-c98bd4f27fea)
Chapter Eleven (#u82b38638-41c4-5a82-bdd6-667abfdb6255)
Chapter Twelve (#u46f4207a-3b1f-5d2c-8384-6d39d59174b5)
Chapter Thirteen (#uc4ed791c-6712-5c0f-9177-ab964a9f8dac)
Chapter Fourteen (#ud512c458-52f1-5e8e-a817-3b97a403cd96)
Part III (#u0a28f683-e59f-5c57-bf39-5c76f97fb2d5)
Chapter Fifteen (#u687b5d2e-0ab8-5b9d-b17a-197dbf0888bf)
Chapter Sixteen (#u1ff50132-050b-55c1-a3ca-f8667e4b97c7)
Chapter Seventeen (#ufa38872f-479b-5dd8-80f1-251f2e237bc5)
Chapter Eighteen (#ue6c0e869-9f9e-5e82-af5b-548a7116c4e9)
Chapter Nineteen (#ua3282728-52aa-5ac6-8fb8-f74a089bceb4)
Chapter Twenty (#uea80178f-3674-5dc1-9068-4e935d6070dd)
Chapter Twenty-One (#u898c1950-9a7d-5b30-93b9-1ecca88cab21)
Part IV (#u2bdcf519-58ca-5226-8c82-cc463946539a)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#u811c5a1e-8d3f-5760-9763-9913e2612441)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#u95f01cf1-dd24-5e14-b430-45c33da87ae2)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#u94ea5e86-f7df-568d-8cfc-5dd4601ad23e)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#u72a31f86-afb6-557e-a37c-700d172c4625)
Chapter Twenty-Six (#u7fd423f4-63a8-5a82-8e9a-4d2a9b91acdf)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#u36c3d0c0-89aa-53a2-a482-0af177ecb19b)
Part V (#u45dca1ca-7522-5249-966e-6a063a6d35fe)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#u261f615c-529a-5757-9e3a-cd07403545c5)
Epilogue (#u2959373b-510a-58df-b80c-57b19a6d7c07)
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
—William Blake
Part I
NATALIE
CHAPTER ONE
End of January, Senior Year
I HEARD HER before I saw her. Music blasted from inside her car despite the fact that she was in a quiet neighborhood. I climbed in, and she turned down the volume.
“So fucking cold outside,” Brooke said as I buckled my seat belt.
“It’s winter, it’s supposed to be cold outside.”
She rolled her eyes and turned around in my driveway. “I’m moving to, like, California or something. I can’t stand this. Okay, so,” she said. “Justin continues to not notice me, despite my employment of slutty tank tops.”
“Who cares about Justin? He’s a junior, for one thing, and he’s related to Reed, which means he’s likely insane.”
“And I really thought this bra would do the trick, too.” She ignored me and pushed up her push-up. “My tits look totally awesome—there is no explanation for how he has not dropped to his knees in obsession yet. I mean, look at me, I am, like, an adorable fucking snow bunny.”
She raised her eyebrows at me, and I surveyed her pink cheeks, pitch-black mascara, ribbon-blond hair and absurd fluffy white coat.
Only this girl could pull that off.
I sighed as she looked back at the road.
“Well,” I said, “he is also friends with Aiden. Maybe he’s got some kind of...integrity?”
“Hah! That moron? Come on.” She shook her head, no doubt in the world. “He’s not picking up on it or something.”
I doubted that.
“All right, so he’s not aware that you’re trying to get him to want to bang you—”
“I want him to want to bang me. I would never actually do that with him. Ew.”
“Okay...so you want him to want to bang you. Maybe you shouldn’t be doing that.”
“I mean, I know that? But this isn’t about cheating on Aiden. Or breaking up with him or anything. I need to know Justin wants me, and that he would have me if he could.”
“You know that’s insanely selfish, right?”
“It is not.”
“Oh no, it is.”
“It’s an attention thing! Aiden and I have been together for what, like...a year?”
“More than that, but go on.”
“So, I mean, it has gotten a little...stale. And I don’t know...I totally don’t want to not be with him. But sometimes a girl’s got to get some attention on the side. I mean, come on. This is the last semester of high school that we will ever have. Shouldn’t I be living it up, being young and all that?”
“I still don’t understand why you want to stay with him if you need that.”
“Do you really not?”
“No, I don’t! You’re not even eighteen yet, and you’re in a relationship you clearly don’t want to be in. I’m just saying—”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“I am pret-ty stupid.”
“I’m sorry but you wouldn’t!” she said. “You’ve never really even had a boyfriend, Nat!”
“Yeah, that’s because when I know it isn’t right, I don’t stick around because he’s hot or because I wish I had those feelings.”
“Can we not argue about this?”
“We’re not arguing, we’re...discussing.” Things were tense for a split second before we both started laughing. “I’m just saying, I don’t think you should feel trapped into something that’s not right. You know your options are endless, and no one can blame you for wanting to—”
“You’re the one that we should be talking about.”
“Me? Why?”
“Because! You’re a freakin’ hottie with a body and yet you spend all your time at home nowadays.”
“A hottie with a body? What decade are you from? And hey, I’m not at home right now!”
“You know what I mean, Natalie. I don’t get why you do that. I’ll never understand it. You get asked out by guys more often than makes sense for how little you talk to people, and yet you choose to spend time all alone.”
“I choose me, Brooke!” I quoted the public service announcement on unhealthy relationships we had recently been forced to watch. Apparently none of the rest of the video had affected Brooke much.
“As I was saying, if you could not interrupt—everyone’s all about you, and you ignore them and don’t do anything. People still ask where you are at parties. How many events do you get invited to that you don’t deign to go to, or that you instantly decline on Facebook?”
She pulled onto a street a few blocks from “our” Chinese restaurant and parallel parked.
I watched the tires in the side view mirror. “What is your point exactly?”
“My point—oh, shit—” she rolled up on the curb and then fixed it “—is that everyone knows you’re awesome. What girl in her right mind doesn’t bother using her popularity?” She turned off the engine and stared at me.
“I’m not into the partying stuff so much, and that’s all anyone does anymore. I’m sorry! I know you like it, but...hanging around drinking disgusting beer that tastes like sewer water and taking shots of raspberry-flavored nail polish remover while someone’s mom is out of town is not fun to me. Neither is sitting in someone’s basement watching a bunch of guys in knitted hats smoke weed, or getting hit on by scumbags who aren’t even sure what I just said my name was.”
“First off, everyone knows your name. But...you know what, you’re right in a way. I’ll admit it can be like that on occasion. But it can also be really fun. And when it is, it’s worth it. I have some fairly epic stories. And, yes, Nat, you are happy. But you won’t have anything crazy to look back on if you carry on like this. When I’m old and haggard, I’ll have so many ridiculous stories. I’m afraid of your biggest regret being that you didn’t live it up.”
We got out of the car and—no surprise to me—she was distracted from her bad-influence-best-friend monologue by a cute guy playing a guitar under a heater.
“Ooh!”
He looked a couple years older than us and was Urban Outfitted from loose knitted hat to moccasins. His case was open and filled with the pocket change of passersby. Brooke snaked her way to the front of the small crowd shivering around him.
“And you were so cold a minute ago!” I yelled after her. I groaned and then followed her.
The singer’s eyes locked on hers, and he smiled as he sang the next few lines directly to her. She smiled coyly back, looking from his puppy-dog eyes to his khakis and back again. Good ol’ Brooke. She turned and gave me an excited shrug. She pulled a twenty from her purse and tossed it into his battered guitar case before walking demurely back to me. What I would give to have a twenty-dollar bill I didn’t mind tossing to the wind.
“He’s really hot, isn’t he?”
I looked at him. He was cute. But it was cuter that she thought he was superhot. Something about him wasn’t mainstream attractive.
“Come on, Miss Casanova,” I said, looping my arm through hers. Brooke was, as my dad put it, “boy crazy.”
“Thank you, you’re gorgeous!” he shouted after us—well, after Brooke—as we made our way down the street face-first into a gust of chilly, wintry wind.
“Do you think I was meant to meet him? Like fate and all that?”
“Him? My God, Brooke.” I laughed. “No, no, no. Let’s go get our food.”
“Fine. But he was really cute. And so good!”
“Yes, he was practically Paul McCartney.”
She sighed, her attention and gaze already moving on to another subject. “I want to be twenty-one.” She gestured at the people sitting in a nearby bar. “Look at them all—drinking and hanging out, not a care in the world. No school.”
My ADD best friend. She wanted one thing badly, then wanted another even worse two seconds later.
“Uh-huh. Because as everyone knows, drinking is the universal sign for not having any troubles.”
“Whoa,” she said, halting completely. “Is that...Reed in there?”
We both stepped closer and peered through the window. “God.” I shook my head. “I can’t think of someone to better demonstrate my point.”
James Reed was our local bad boy. There was something about him that made seemingly sane girls lose their minds. He was good-looking and extremely charming when he wanted to be. But he was also an obnoxious and contemptuous, self-obsessed douche bag. Here are the top things said about James Reed:
1. “I thought he really liked me!”
2. “One minute everything was fine, and then I never heard from him again!”
3. “Fuck him! No seriously, fuck Reed.”
4. “What a jerk. I wonder if he likes me.”
Here are the top things said to James Reed:
1. “I hate you, do not ever talk to me again.”
2. “You’re an asshole.”
3. “Fine, one more time, but that’s it.”
It could be argued that I was biased, since I might have been one of those seemingly sane girls that fell for a charming line and a boyish dimple. I’m a smart girl, but I wasn’t smart enough fast enough to escape his grasp unscathed.
“Look at him, leaning on the bar, surrounded by dumb girls,” said Brooke. “Of course he’s doing that. Of course he is.”
She bit her lip, shaking her head but still staring at him.
I sometimes feared that she was one bad choice away from becoming another girl burned by him. I didn’t object on a jealous level, just because I had hooked up with him. Once I was away from him, I never again was able to see why I had been fooled by his whole shtick. I cared because he would burn Brooke, and she would be humiliated. And then I would probably have to kill him.
“How did he even...like, does he have a fake ID or...”
“Probably,” I said. “Whatever, it’s his felony.”
“I bet we could get in. I look like I could be twenty-one, don’t I?” She adjusted her clothes. “We should try.”
“I am in leggings and a sweatshirt, and I’m wearing my glasses. For one thing.”
“Exactly! You’re being...ironic. And you’re wearing thick-rimmed tortoiseshells! You will blend right in with all the hipsters! You’ll snag some guy who would probably be cute if he didn’t have a handlebar mustache, and I’ll kick Reed in the balls for you. It’ll be fun!”
“I’m wearing these so I can see, not so I can look trendy. And no need to kick him in the balls. I’m pretty sure someone else will do that for us tonight. Come on, let’s go order our food.”
She let me lead her away, her focus stuck back on me.
“I think I’ve got something here, though. That’s who you need—a slightly older guy who can understand your love of the Mamas and the Papas and who will watch your Hitchcock movies with you. That—” she pointed back at the hipster bar “—is where those guys are! Them, and a couple of skeezeballs like Reed, who somehow finagled their way in.”
“I don’t need a guy to do those things with!”
She threw her head back and groaned. “Okay, you’re right. You don’t need a guy who can necessarily do that. But you need a boyfriend, Nat. Or a boy toy at least. You are seventeen and hot, and you haven’t done, like, anything.”
“Shh!” I looked around.
“Exactly! It’s embarrassing. You should be embarrassed.”
“I’m not a virgin, Brooke,” I whispered.
“Basically you are. Because it was James ‘the Dickwad’ Reed, and I’m pretty sure anyone who hooks up with him is entitled to be in denial about doing so.”
“Truth. But still. I’m not looking for someone to hook up with. And even if I was, I am not going to meet him at a Bethesda bar. Plus it’s creepy. If a guy is old enough to drink legally and wants to hook up with me, he’s weird already. I’m not into pedophiles.”
“Oh, really, you’re not into—Natalie, come on. This is a three-to four-year difference I’m talking about here!”
“Eh. Still.”
“Look, I know you’re into being all independent and everything, with your reading and listening to records while you knit scarves or whatever you do instead of having a social life—”
“I don’t knit. I just can knit.”
“In an argument where you’re trying to say that you don’t need to be more social, do you really think the sentence ‘I just can knit’ is going to win?”
“I am social! I’m out right now!”
“Nat...you know I don’t count. It was only about a month ago that I invited you to a party and you said you couldn’t come because you were busy, and I came over to force you, and I found you in an apron, cooking...whatever it was called.”
“Coq au vin. It was delicious, thank you very much. And as you pointed out, winter is cold. Coq au vin is hot.”
“You’re basically a middle-aged woman. Worse than that, you’re like a middle-aged woman suffering from empty-nest syndrome. You are too young, Natalie, to be spending your nights working your way through Julia Child’s cookbook.”
I shrugged. “What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to say that you will make an effort for the next few months. Not only is it senior year, but it’s our last opportunity to do this stuff together. I don’t know where either one of us is going to be next year for sure—I’ll probably be in stupid Pennsylvania—but I know we won’t be together. And I really miss my partner in crime.”
I had nothing to say back. Brooke was rarely affectionate or sweet, and these were not the moments to argue with her.
“Especially prom,” she added, grabbing my wrist and shaking it. “Prom, prom, prom. You haven’t been to homecoming or prom since sophomore year, and I admit that it was lame that year.”
“Brooke, are you asking me to prom?” I smiled wryly at her. “The answer is yes, a million times yes!”
Instead of laughing, she looked sad. “Look, it’s not only about you having the high school experience. It’s also that mine isn’t complete without you there. Please come out more.”
In a way, I knew she was right. I should go to events like prom and all that...but I never fit in at any of those must-do high school events. I used to go to big parties, and for me the experience was uncomfortable. All the girls waltzing around in too much makeup and crop-tops they couldn’t pull off because of the beer gut they already had, and the guys flexing their arm muscles and puffing out their chests. People either acted drunker than they were, or they’d had way too much and were trying to seem sober. Any conversation you had would likely be forgotten by the morning, and any hookup you had you’d hope to forget by then. There had been a brief moment where I didn’t hate it, but I’d walked away from my Reed mistake and suddenly had seen it all with new eyes.
The top five things you hear at a party:
1. “I am so fucked up.”
2. “Who brought her?”
3. “I think I’m gonna vomit.”
4. “I am way too high right now. No, seriously, I think I’m having a heart attack.”
a) Fun subcomment: “Can I get in trouble if I’m high and go to the emergency room?”
5. “Ugh, I’m gonna be so hungover.”
And then a lot of happy squealing matched only by weepy couple-fights.
But I did miss hanging out with Brooke. We used to have fun at some of those parties together.
“Fine.”
“You mean it?” Her face lit up.
“Yes, but you’re not She’s All That–ing me and taking off my glasses, straightening my hair and putting me in your clothes.”
“Of course not.”
“And you’re not going to then stand back, cross your arms and nod while the guy of my dreams double-takes at how gorgeous I’ve become.”
“I know,” she said, patting my back and leading me into the restaurant.
“Because in the end, it will turn out he liked me best before I got the makeover, anyway, so it’s really a waste of time.”
She shook her head, smiling. “You’re lucky you’re so attractive already, because you are a freaking weirdo.”
CHAPTER TWO
IT WAS AN awful, bright kind of cold out today, only made worse by the sea of red and pink that I had been swimming in. I know it tends to be mostly bitter people who say they don’t care about Valentine’s Day, but I...really don’t. It’s dumb. I’ll take burgers and fireworks over heart-shaped candies and roses any day.
I sat on a table outside of school at the end of the day, wearing no color that came close to pink, and checked the time on my phone. Fifteen minutes since the bell rang. I’d known I would be waiting, so I already had headphones in and was listening to my fifties doo-wop playlist. I sighed and sipped from the aluminum water bottle I had filled up.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and nearly spat the water out.
I turned to see Aiden Macmillan, Brooke’s long-term, for-serious, if-they-get-married-they’ll-be-the-definition-of-high-school-sweethearts boyfriend. The one with whom she considered herself to be in a “stale” relationship.
I took out my earbuds and scooted over. “Aiden, hi, sorry.”
“It’s all good. What are you listening to?”
“Um, the Fleetwoods right now.”
“Ah, your doo-wop playlist.”
“That’s the one.”
“That kinda day, I guess.”
“Yes, the doo-wop in the temperature put me in the mood.” I nudged him with my elbow.
“Oh, man,” he said. “That was bad even for you.”
“Shut up!”
“Just kidding. No Valentine’s roses today?”
“My heart is breaking over it. Please.”
“Right, right, I know you hate it...but I kinda got you a little valentine.”
At first I couldn’t tell if he was kidding. “What?”
“Yeah, really, I did.” He handed me an envelope. It said, Happy Pal-entine’s Day.
“Hah! And I’ve got corny jokes.”
I opened it, and out fell a package of what looked like some kind of seasoning.
“My mom swears by it.” He shrugged. “I dunno, it’s probably dumb. I know you like to cook and thought you would like it. I was going to give you a package of it randomly, but decided to give it to you on a holiday you hate instead.”
“That’s so nice of you. And...and weird.”
“I know, I kinda see that now.”
He messed up his hair and looked out into the parking lot, where people and cars were all weaving around one another to leave. “So to change the subject...did you see it’s supposed to blizzard this weekend?”
“No...is it really?”
“Yeah, it’s supposed to be a couple of feet.”
“Wow. Time to get out the snowshoes, I guess.”
“And the toboggan.”
“Toboggan! Oh, my God, seriously, though, I love sledding. Why is that a thing reserved for kids?”
“Me, too. And in fact, it’s pretty dangerous, as far as sports and leisure activities are concerned. So really it shouldn’t be for kids at all.”
“You probably didn’t do a lot of sledding in Texas as a child, anyway.”
“Nope, only when I visited my aunt up here for Christmas and we got lucky enough for it to not just be gray and cold.”
“So almost never, then. That’s probably my least favorite thing about our winters. Not only do they drag on for weeks longer than you want them to, but most days it’s just ugly out.”
“I completely agree. If I’m going to live somewhere with four seasons, I want four real seasons.”
“Exactly,” I said. “My cousins live up in Michigan, and as awful as Michigan can be—”
Brooke appeared behind Aiden, and I stopped talking.
Always dressed impeccably, she had also not lowered herself to wear anything in theme today. She was in black velvet leggings, a navy blazer and a sheer black tank top. The only thing arguably holiday-related was the Tiffany’s filagree heart necklace she was wearing on a long chain. She clicked toward us in her heeled ankle-boots, rolling her eyes dramatically.
“Ugh! I am so sorry, you guys, Mr. Andrews was nagging me for, like, ten minutes about how, for this essay, I need to ‘arrange my thoughts’ and ‘write an outline.’ Ugh. Okay, let’s get out of this soul-sucking hellhole.”
We climbed into Aiden’s Jeep. We rode with him whenever Brooke woke up early enough.
Brooke buckled her seat belt and turned to me. “Oh, did he give you that seasoning stuff?”
“Yeah, just now.” Okay, so she had known about it. That was less weird, then.
“I don’t know what it is, but every time his mom cooks, the food is amazing and it’s because of that stuff. So now you can cook me food whenever I want it and I don’t have to wait for his mom to let me come over.” She gave me a cheesy grin. “Oh, okay, so here’s our new mission, Aiden. We have to find Natalie a boyfriend.”
I leaned back against the headrest. “Brooke...”
“Oh, shush, I know better than you. I’m thinking she needs a hipster-type guy.”
“I told you, I don’t want some weird poser who wears nonprescription Ray-Bans. It’s really not my thing.”
“That shouldn’t be anybody’s thing,” said Aiden.
“Agreed.”
“No, guys,” Brooke said, “not the annoying kind of hipster who’s just catching on to the mainstream hipster thing, more someone who is a little off-kilter, but not to an annoying extent.”
“I already think he sounds lame.”
“Nat, be real, I’m not saying he needs to be exactly anything. I mean someone who is into the same things as you. You’re not going to date, like, a football player.” She gestured at Aiden. “I don’t see that being something you’re into. Or maybe you need someone who is your total opposite. I don’t know! It’s going to be fun to shop you around. Which is why—” she pulled out her phone and opened up Facebook “—we are going to this tomorrow night.”
I took the phone and looked at it. “Stupid Cupid Rager?”
“Yes. It’s at Alexa’s place, have you been there? Well, it’s huge and has a pool table and a movie theater, and is the best. We’re hoping to get snowed in there. It’s even better in summer because of the pool in the back, but whatever. It’ll be fun, anyway. She has a hot tub!”
“Snowed in?” I groaned. “That seems like it could be kind of a nightmare.”
“Yeah,” Aiden agreed. “There are more than a few people I would rather not be locked in a house with.”
“God, Mom and Dad, chill out. It’s going to be fun goddammit.”
Aiden’s eyes shifted to mine in the rearview. I stifled my grin.
“Point is,” Brooke went on, “there’ll be a ton of people there and it’s going to be awesome. Lots of guys. And Alexa used to go to Northwest, so I think we might not already know and be sick of them all. Bonus!”
“Does Natalie even want a boyfriend?”
“Aiden. Every girl secretly wants a boyfriend, no matter what they cop to. It’s how the world works.”
“Brooke, I’m not searching that desperately. I’m actually not even searching. You are. For me. Without being asked.”
“I know you’re not, you’re doing the opposite! You’re hiding! And what happens if you squander your youth and beauty by not even trying?” She glanced back at me again. “You’re always going to be pretty but you know what I’m trying to say.”
“I don’t see the point in wasting time or youth on some drunk LAX bro, either.”
“Then you haven’t met some of the LAX bros I know. What?” Aiden was giving her a look. She rolled her eyes and turned back to me. “He’s being jealous. So will you go?”
“I don’t know...”
“Come on! You promised!”
She gave me her best puppy-dog eyes. They didn’t work on me ordinarily, but I had promised. And I didn’t have any plans.
“Fine! Fine, if it’s that important to you, I’ll go.”
She squealed.
* * *
“GO TO THE party, Natalie.”
“But I don’t wanna.” I was bent over the back of the couch, a listless sack of un-fun. My father was in the kitchen making us egg salad sandwiches and trying to convince me to be a teenager.
“Brooke is right—there are certain things you have to do at your age. Even if it’s not fun, you’ll be with your best friend. And Aiden, you two are friends.”
“Yeah, I know. But Brooke tends to gets wasted and wander off, and then I’m left alone.”
“Tell her in the beginning of the night, say, ‘Brooke, I would really appreciate if you could make an effort—’”
“Dad, Dad, Dad,” I cut him off, pushing myself off the couch and holding up a hand. “Do you really see that being a real conversation? No, she’s going to do what she wants, and it would be incredibly loserish of me to have a conversation about sticking by my side.”
“Fair enough.” He cut my sandwich diagonally, and then cut his down the middle. “Then hang out with Aiden.”
He turned around and gave me a look.
“Shut up!” I said, covering my face with the neck of my hoodie.
“Aiden and Natalie, sittin’ in a tree...”
“Dad! He’s Brooke’s boyfriend, I don’t know why you’re so intent on me having a crush on him.”
“I’m not getting in your business. All I know is, my daughter is a big fan of his, and I like him.” He shrugged and brought over the sandwiches. “The guy watches football with me while you and Brooke shriek upstairs, doing your makeup and comparing split ends or whatever it is you do. Can’t help but like him.”
“Yep, you nailed it, Dad. ‘No, Brooke, my split ends are better than your split ends!’”
“I say go, be careful—” he handed me my plate “—don’t get housed or make mistakes, but have fun. Let Brooke force you to have a good time. Gotta admit, I see where she’s coming from. You do hang out with your dad too much. You’re, like, so uncool.”
I laughed and unpaused the episode of The Office we were watching. And resigned myself to attending the Stupid Cupid Rager. When even your dad tells you you’re a pitiful homebody, you really ought to get out of the house.
* * *
WE PARKED ON the street and made our way up to the house. It was already starting to snow. Brooke, Aiden and I left footprints in the white dust as we walked.
Inside, I saw exactly what I expected to see. A room full of wasted people shouting, guffawing, flirting and mostly trying to look hot.
“Yup,” I said to Brooke and Aiden. “Pretty much exactly how I remembered it.”
Aiden laughed, but Brooke punched me on the arm. “Give it a chance!”
Alexa, the good host, came over to greet us. “You guys! You got Natalie to come?” She extended her arms for a hug, her mouth agape.
“Alexa, hi!” I hugged her back and gave her a little pat on the shoulder. “Good to see you, thanks for having me.”
“Oh, anytime, girl. Well, any time my mom goes out of town.” She giggled. “Does this mean you’re going to finally hang out with us again?”
Brooke gave me a look that a mother might give a daughter who needs to say thank you.
“Yeah, definitely. Senior year and all that.” I smiled enthusiastically to try to make up for how lame I sounded. Brooke looked pleased, then turned from us and scurried away to talk to other people.
“Oh, I know, I’m so excited! But so sad, too. I’m going to miss everyone so much.” She shook her head. “May is getting closer and closer every day.”
There was a small drop in my stomach. I, too, was dreading the end of the year, but not for the same reasons a girl like Alexa was. While hers was more of a melancholy dread, mine was outright terror at the fact that I had no clear “next step.”
“Crazy!” She downed the rest of whatever was in her red cup and swayed a little. “Ohmigod, so you have to come take a shot with me right now.”
“Shots? Eee...I don’t know...”
I remembered all too well the feeling of throwing up after too much liquor. I had been part of the group when we were freshmen and sophomores. We had mostly gone to the movies or gotten dropped off at the mall to go shopping—I was usually tagging along, never having much money—or we had sleepovers. It wasn’t until the end of sophomore year when Brooke had gotten hold of a few bottles of wine that things started to change. Then it was a hop, skip and a jump to the big parties they were still into.
That unfortunate night with Reed, I had done shots.
“Just one!” Alexa insisted.
“Um—” I didn’t know how to get out of it. I lacked the ability to put my foot down, like I knew I should. I had an incessant need to please people, but almost none of the wherewithal to do so.
“Natalieeeee!” said Brooke, coming up to us. She had taken off her coat and was wearing a tight red tank top with a black bra. Her necklace dangled scandalously between her boobs.
She grabbed me by the shoulders. “Natalie is letting me be her party godmother this year. Which means she’s actually going to have some fun and stop sitting at home all the time.”
“Sick! We’re going to have such a blast! The rest of this year is going to be insane. I mean, how could it not be? We already got accepted to schools for next year, so who gives a fuck?”
There was a whoop from the people around us. Brooke ambled away again.
My cheeks went slightly hot, and I wanted to make sure no one tried to ask me about my plans.
“You’re going to Arizona, right?” I asked Alexa, recalling what Brooke had told me. One of my few skills was remembering details about people. This would be great if I actually knew any of them well anymore and could come off more like a good friend and less like a stalker.
“Yes! I’m ready to bake in the sun. I can’t stand this cold weather. My aunt lives out there and absolutely loves it. I’ve heard people either love it or hate it there. I hope I love it, ya know?”
“Oh, I’m sure you will. And hey, if you don’t, you can always soak up a good base tan and a few credits and go somewhere else, right?”
She smiled at me, looking like that somehow actually made her feel better. “Exactly. Exactly! You’re totally right, Natalie. That’s how I need to look at it.”
I basked in the glow of her approval and became suddenly desperate for more. “Okay, let’s do a shot.”
She squealed and pulled me over to the counter, where Brooke had gone to squeal with a girl named Bethany, who I had always disliked. For almost no reason—she just bugged me.
“Brookie! Natalie said she’d do a shot!”
Brooke looked surprised, but she smiled. “That’s my girl!”
It was kind of funny to see Brooke in her element. I was used to slightly dopey Brooke, who was a little off the wall and could always crack me up or unselfconsciously pull an ugly face. But here she was, her hair swooshed to one shoulder, confidently chatting with the people around her while she poured vodka into a shaker with ice and whatever else. She really was good at the whole “being the queen” thing.
She had that smile that looked real every time. She sounded interested, surprised, shocked, or however it was you wanted her to sound when you told her something. She made the people around her feel interesting, funny or attractive, and all the while it was clear that she was the most interesting, funny and attractive person in the room.
I came off as the opposite. I didn’t want to take a shot, so I immediately felt like the prude. Which sucked. Because honestly, I simply didn’t want to.
When I talked to people, I felt like I could never think of the right response or anything clever to say. I was fine with people I really knew. Smart, and even funny sometimes. But with strangers or acquaintances, I was a mess.
“Ready?” asked Brooke, handing me my first two ounces of regret. “It’s not that bad, I promise.”
“To senior freaking year!” screamed Alexa. Everyone cheered.
I took the shot and was unable to play it cool, reaching for something, anything, else to shoot back afterward, but there was nothing. I became the unwilling center of attention as everyone around me, clearly unfazed by the sting, laughed or looked at me like I was their little sister or something. Someone even went, “Aww!”
“Oh, God, was it really that bad for you?” Brooke hugged me. “I’m so sorry, Nat. Whoo!” She widened her eyes. “All right, that’ll probably do you for a while. I wanna play darts, come play with me!”
She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me through the party, and up onto the stage that is her life.
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Paige Harbison
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Семейная психология
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: You can’t always plan for the future.You can’t always choose who you love…Natalie and Brooke have been best friends forever. Brooke is the life of the party but Natalie has always been content to be the quiet one – until one night and one party, leads to Natalie waking up with Brooke’s boyfriend Aiden.Now Natalie is faced with the two hardest decisions of her life – her best friend or the boy who gets her in ways she can’t explain? The college future she planned or the biggest responsibility she’ll ever have to face?An unforgettable story about first love, worst mistakes and what friendship really means.From the author of Here Lies Bridget