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Making Divorce Work: In 9 Easy Steps
Keith Barret


An hilarious spoof self-help book from the star of Marion & Geoff and host of the hit BBC comedy The Keith Barret Show.‘I don't feel like I have lost a wife but that I have gained a friend. I would never have met Geoff if Marion hadn't left me.’‘Marion and Geoff’ was one of the most-loved and most-acclaimed BBC comedies of recent years. Rob Brydon wrote and starred as cuckolded Welsh cabbie Keith Barret, recording a hopelessly optimistic video diary about his life as a divorcee. It was a heartbreaking show, darkly comic and brilliantly written. The series won Best Drama at the South Bank Awards, and Rob Brydon won a British Comedy Award for his performance as Keith.In summer 2004 Brydon took his character Keith Barret to the Edinburgh Festival with a show (or rather a 'talk' or 'therapy session') entitled ‘Making Divorce Work’, which drew on all of Keith's experience as a divorcee. It was a sell-out, and the Daily Telegraph declared it 'More outright hilarious than the TV series'.Now, after a highly successful series The Keith Barret Show, Keith Barret has settled down and written an indispensable self-help guide to surviving relationship break-ups. In Making Divorce Work, Barret offers advice for the broken-hearted on everything from getting access to the kids (‘my little smashers’) to dating again. It is a brilliant parody of the self-help genre (although Barret has written it with all sincerity), and an intimate portrait of Keith Barret; our favourite eternal optimist.









Making Divorce Work

In 9 Easy Steps

Keith Barret








THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO GEOFF, MARION

AND MY LITTLE SMASHERS, RHYS AND ALUN,

LIVING THE DREAM.




Table of Contents


Title Page (#u2bdfd05b-c95b-5a3d-943c-a781b95a399a)

Dedication (#u3de1fda3-f176-5b10-ae17-b79496f010c6)

Preface by Paul McKenna (#u8f8cde0e-b2ad-51be-a302-15911df4b172)

Foreword (#u54a73b4e-cefa-5959-a861-c31e963f4a3f)

Introduction (#u1c7a96a2-0110-5401-945d-48fb7f0ea067)

1 Something’s Not Right But it’s OK (#u36943bcf-06e2-5f32-93e8-17197e4d5a01)

2 It’s a Family Affair And We’re All Family Now (#u0fbaf7a7-d100-5d42-bf0a-785e557f9d72)

3 What Iceberg? (Death on Denial) Facing the Facts of Failure (#u8d064102-5784-55cb-a48e-dd23039a6752)

4 Share the Blame Share the Shame (#ue033abf0-fbb6-5719-8982-5df56ea42ce3)

5 Why Not in Front of the Children? Letting the Little Ones Play Their Part (#ub70d58b8-d0f5-5833-862b-167b50dd6f9f)

6 Decree Nice Guy The Marriage is Over… the Friendship Begins (#u04478111-0991-5ef1-8d98-9d8bf61397da)

7 Old Friends, New Friends Getting to Know Your Ex-Partner’s New Partner (#u10a0cf48-a9db-5e26-a1ba-59ccd60cb2bf)

8 Land Ahoy! Setting Sail for Happiness… (#ua6a10f7f-ca78-5265-9e84-e9d418a7d94f)

9 The Quiz (#ue920ff97-a0da-5d14-ad9c-32cada99b05c)

About the Author (#u222ccef3-deb8-5562-abdd-69102036154d)

Copyright (#uba811469-7331-5721-a6ae-80624bd361f8)

About the Publisher (#ub021f1f8-0676-5f52-88ff-832008403867)




Preface by Paul McKenna (#ulink_f82823be-734b-5629-bb6d-d23b5bbf88d7)


I can honestly say that no other self help author in the world is offering the same advice as Keith Barret.



PAUL MCKENNA





Foreword (#ulink_f8f302dc-47d0-57cd-9215-242109f1b0f2)


DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD NEWS?



THE BAD NEWS IS YOU’RE SPLITTING UP …



THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU’RE SPLITTING UP!



NO, I HAVEN’T MADE A MISTAKE;



THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.



INTRIGUED?



YOU WILL BE…

I KNOW I AM.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Keith Barret. I am a divorced man. I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

You may not realize it yet but if you are reading this book you are embarking upon one of life’s great adventures. In a sense I envy you.



I’ve called this book Making Divorce Work, but you needn’t feel left out if you never actually married and all you’ve done is simply split up with the love of your life, common law spouse, live-in lover, partner, significant other or soul mate. Don’t worry. This book is about failure in all its many forms and I’m sure it applies just as easily to you.

“So what?” if you’re happily married, “So what?” if you’re not divorced… What is the opening salvo of any divorce? That’s right, the wedding! So even if you’re in the happiest place you’ve ever been and you think your marriage is rock solid, don’t worry, any way you look at it you’re on the first step towards divorce.



There we are,



D I V O R C E

…That word again. It makes some people wince. Why? Divorce. Divorce, divorce, divorce… You say it’s an ending, I say it’s a fresh start. Is the glass half full or half empty? If you’re a man who’s recently divorced, the chances are you don’t have any glasses left, certainly not the crystal stuff, so come on and join me in raising a beaker to the future!

But before you do, let’s first take a very important step together as we begin our journey. May I ask you a question? When was the last time you had an eye test? That’s right, an eye test! A year ago? A week ago? This morning? It really doesn’t matter. Regardless of your answer I’m going to put on my optician’s hat (they don’t have hats do they …? They have those straps with a big-hinged silver disc at the end. Fine, I’ll put that on) and prescribe you a new pair of spectacles. But these are no ordinary glasses that you can pick up for next to nothing at SpecSavers, nor are they a fancy designer pair of Jeff Banks’s from Vision Express, no, they’re magic glasses and the good news is they’re free. Free on the NKS, the National Keith Service!

It’s a bit of fun.



That’s right, they’re not actual glasses at all, they’re just a way of looking at the world, at life as it goes on around us, a device for getting across my philosophy I did consider using the more modern and “on message” metaphor of contact lenses but decided against it as of course with contact lenses you have to take them out at the end of the day and soak them in the bathroom for no less than four hours. I know that you have to take off your glasses also, but the difference is that you can leave them close at hand on the bedside table as you sleep, safe in the knowledge that they’re nearby should you need to look at anything in the dark.

So, glasses it is then! But what sort of glasses do I mean? Not rose-tinted ones, that’s for sure! I’m a realist, living in the real world, so my glasses need to be real too, so no rose tinting. No, what they are is rose scented, so while you see clearly, you’re getting the real genuine picture, you’re also smelling a lovely scent of roses! Just like an up-market toilet freshener hanging under your nose. I’ll be handing you these glasses throughout the book when I want you to see something in a different way. Let’s put them on now …






Let’s take the word “divorce”. In her popular song “D.I.VO.R.C.E”, country star Tammy Wynette broke the word down into its constituent parts, or letters, coming up with a series of words beginning with each letter. I forget the actual words she came up with and for that I apologize; I had the song on a CD, The Golden Rhinestone Ladies of Contemporary and Classic Country, but so far have failed to lay my hands on it… Rest assured though that they, the words, were all rather downbeat and sad. The song was a massive hit all around the globe, earning Tammy millions to spend on saddles, but think how much bigger it could have been if she had put, as Tony Blair might say, “a positive spin” on it. If only she’d popped into my opticians for a check-up I could have kitted her out with some special, leather-trimmed Country and Western style glasses! Tammy missed a great opportunity to show the world the positive, uplifting, life-affirming side of divorce; but don’t worry, I’ve done it for her …

It’s over to Sir Jimmy Saville and Pete Tong in the Top of the Pops studio!

“Now then, now then, how’s about that then guys and gals, oh, oh, oh! Setting a new record with twenty-five weeks at number one, it’s Keith Barret and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.!”

“GREAT!” (PETE).

D: Dining Out. Table for one? “Certainly, sir.” Watch the bill at the end of the meal shrink before your eyes! Delia had the right idea when she said, “One is Fun!” I’d go a step further: “One is a Lot of Fun!”

I: Ikea. Stroll around this Swiss furniture wonderland at your own pace. 10.30 on a Monday morning, the place is very quiet. Stay a few hours and finish off with a slap-up lunch of meatballs and a Dime bar!

V: Volume. Turn it up!

O: Old Friends. Get on to Friends Reunited and track down your childhood sweetheart. See Step 6, “Respecting a Restraining Order” (Not really, it’s a bit of fun…)

R: Restaurants. See D: Dining Out.

C: Christmas. You can do what you want to do. So long as it doesn’t include the children.

E: Easter. See Christmas.

Good? Of course it is. Now then, take off my glasses, read that last bit again and I’m sure you’ll think that it’s a load of mumbo-jumbo nonsense, so hang on to those imaginary glasses, tie a bit of imaginary string to them and drape them round your imaginary neck like a theatre director or a librarian; you’ll be needing them again soon.






Is this book for me?


I think so, yes. Put it this way; yes it is. It’s for anyone and everyone recently out of a relationship, or anyone and everyone who feels their union may be coming to an end. This book is aimed at anyone and everyone, male or female, hetero or homo, straight or gay

It’s probably most useful to straight men.

That’s not important though, what is important is:



1. That you read on regardless of your sexual orientation.

2. Remember that you are not alone.

(What I mean by that is, you are alone, you’re very alone; but you’re not the only one going through it.)




What does it take to make a divorce work?


Well my friend, you may as well ask,“How long is a piece of string?”

Exactly!



In this case it’s nine steps long. How long is a step? In this case it’s about twenty-five pages, so in this case a piece of string is approximately 224 pages long, including the foreword.

I’ve broken the whole process of making a divorce work down into nine easy steps, or one long piece of string. I can promise you that by the end of the final chapter you will feel much less like you are staring into an endless black abyss contemplating the futility of your own existence. Feelings of humiliation and pointlessness will have been replaced with gaiety and joy. Indeed the only sound of laughter you hear will now be yours, not that of everyone who knows you. If I’ve done my job, far from avoiding break-up and separation, you’ll probably enjoy it! You might even be tempted to enter into a string of doomed relationships just so you can relish the final wrench apart! This might seem light years away from the uncontrollable sobbing and shaking you’re experiencing at the moment, but trust me: anything is possible when you’ve taken the medicine[1] prescribed by Dr Keith![2]




Always read the label. (Only joking! It’s a bit of fun…)




Fourth Estate Legal Notice: At the time of going to press Keith Barret is not a doctor or optician. Fourth Estate in no way endorses any medical or optometric advice dispensed within the pages of this book. All liability rests solely with the author. Consult a qualified medical practitioner before following any of the advice given in this publication.





Introduction (#ulink_34b7b0c5-729f-5898-91f5-f3911a2cbbc1)


“Hello…”

LIONEL RITCHIE – HELLO



“Hello again”

NEIL DIAMOND – HELLO AGAIN



“Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello…”

THE OASIS – SHAKER MAKER



Good morning, Good morning! What a treat it is to be given the chance to write a book, what’s more, a book that people will read, read in their hundreds, in their thousands! Of their own free will, of course, not as part of some huge organized reading. I’m not suggesting that for a moment; I don’t see how it could happen, in all honesty, without a degree of force on the part of the organizers, and that’s not what I want. Force shouldn’t come into it. Yes, the BBC encouraged the nation to pick up books with its excellent serial, The Big Reader, but that’s all they did, encourage.I don’t want a literary apartheid. When you see what’s happening in South Africa, it turns your stomach.

I want people to read this book of their own free will, at home, on the bus or maybe in a meadow. Not sitting at rows and rows of desks, undernourished and gaunt with huge jailers looming over them. It would be like a scene from 1984 with John Hurt, a smashing video yes, but hardly the right sort of conditions for enjoying a good read. And that’s what this book should be, above all else, a good read, as simple as that.

Yes, it deals with some very thorny issues, which other authors (I know, unbelievable!) might shy away from, they might think,“Wait a minute, Keith! People might not be able to stomach this. Maybe you should just tell them half the truth…” Well, I’m sorry, but Rome wasn’t built like that, neither was Cardiff. They don’t have half buildings, tiny stunted single-storey efforts that only paint half the picture; although yes there are bungalows, usually retirement properties for the elderly, the infirm or the disabled. In the case of the disabled of course it goes a step further: not only is everything on one floor, all the light switches are lower too, within arm’s reach or in some cases they don’t have switches, just lots of cords. Cords hanging everywhere. It can look like a thousand party poppers have been set off as part of a huge celebration and of course the disabled themselves won’t be slow in picking up on the irony of that. We’re not here to talk about the disabled, to single them out for special treatment, that’s not what they want, they want to be one of the crowd, getting by like everyone else. Unless there are steps in which case nowadays they do expect a ramp. And why not?

It’s a bit of fun.



But enough of the fun; let’s get back to you and your problems and let me say from the outset how thrilled I am to be given the opportunity to enter the world of literature! In all honesty it’s the last thing I thought I would do; but why not? Let’s have a go …

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

Oops! Already taken! Never mind, I’ll just think of something new, that’s all right; I’m not a writer and would never claim to be. I am, though, a vicious reader. I’ve just re-read that and realized that I’ve used the word vicious instead of the slightly longer one voracious! What a fool. Imagine that, a vicious reader! Ridiculous …

Actually, there was a boy at my school, Martin Thorpe, who once pierced the skin on the chest of Mr Deere the English teacher. It happened on a particularly hot day one summer term. Old “no eye” had insisted on keeping the windows shut as he suffered from an abnormally low body temperature. As did Mr Pye, the physics teacher; he eventually retired to Chile. I know! Anyway “no eye” went up to Martin to check on his progress as we read King Lear by William Shakespeare. He tapped Martin on his shoulder, whereupon the boy lashed out like a frightened animal, shrieking loudly as he did. Mr Deere recoiled in horror and fell to the ground with Martin’s pen sticking out of his chest. I went and helped Mr Deere to his feet and gave Martin back his pen but the damage was done. Martin was suspended for two weeks and Mr Deere retired with nerves.




A Voracious Reader


I’ve always had a keen interest in reading and as a child was a fully paid up member of the Ladybird Club and would tingle with excitement at the thought of another of their little books plopping through the letter box. I would race out of my room and along the hall, headlong towards the pile of fresh post nestled at the foot of the front door, only to be knocked aside by my father as he headed for the same destination. Even though this was long before the days of anthrax in the post, Dad always had a keen sense of protecting his family and was merely checking that the coast was clear before allowing his pride and joy to get too close. He was also keen to check whether that month’s Amateur Rifleman had come. We would both scurry off with our quarry; Dad to pore over pictures of telescopic lenses and me in my pyjamas to read about Little Red Hen and Chicken Lickin’. Ironically two of the creatures most at risk from Dad’s recreational activities.

Great days!



So, anyway, that’s enough about me, let’s get back to the book and your feelings of despondency. It’s meant to be what they call a self-help book; that is, a book that helps you to help yourself. I rather think of it though as me helping you, by sharing my experiences with you. Experiences garnered from a rich, varied and very happy life that has led me down the road to where I am today Where am I today? Well, as The Fatboy Slim would say I’m “Right Here, Right Now”! So are you,so what better opportunity for the two of us to get down to work and help each other? Having said that, it will primarily be me helping you, as the help is help that comes from me, from my experiences. If you tried to help me with the same advice I would have to say that I already know that advice, so “thanks but no thanks”, and that probably wouldn’t go down well. Let’s face it, if you’re reading a self-help book you’re not in the best state of mind for handling rejection. Maybe it’s a rejection that unpicked the stitching in the fabric of your life and put you in a tailspin in the first place, and my new rejection would just reopen old wounds and encourage you to ponder on the mess you’ve made of things. So let’s not do that, let’s reject it! Let’s

REJECT THE REJECTION!



Harsh? Yes, but fair also. I’ve given it a lot of thought and if I were to accept my own advice from a reader like you, we would just go round in circles, it would be like teaching an old dog new tricks. Actually it would be more accurate to say “teaching a dog in his late 30s (human years, so whatever the equivalent is in dog… times it by seven… 210. Let’s face it, at that age you’d be lucky to get a coherent bark from him, let alone master a new skill…) tricks of a variety of ages that he already knows”, and what would be the point of that? Well all right, yes, I suppose it would enable the old dog to hone the trick, to become even better at it, but …

OK, we could go round the houses forever on this one. For the sake of progress, and so we can be sure that we’re shooting from the same hymn sheet, let’s say that I’ll help you, end of the story. You’ll be the student and I’ll be the master, like in Star Wars, a Jedi and his young Padawan; who knows, maybe one day the tables will turn and the student will become the master, like Darth Vader and Alec Guinness. If so then let’s hope that we can remain cordial and content ourselves with a frank exchange of views, with no urge on your part to sever my torso in an act of bitter vengeance …

It’s a bit of fun!









Off We Jolly Well


So come on, it’s time to start our journey. Seatbelts on, check the mirror, put her in gear, or rather, leave that to me! You just get yourself comfortable. Have a look in the glove box, I’ve left some sweets in there, they’re the classic travel sweets in a round tin, lying like broken pieces of Stonehenge in a snowy sherbet field. I like these sweets and always choose them over a more sticky chocolate type affair, in particular because I love the sherbet. I always put a bit of sherbet on my finger and dab it around my nose so that when I glance in the mirror I look like Al Pacino as the cocaine-addled crime lord Michael Corleone in Scarface, “Hoo Ha!” A bit of fun, it makes you feel part of the in crowd. I’m not advocating drug use, of course I’m not, I must stress that it’s not real cocaine, it’s the sherbet at the bottom of a tin of travel sweets, it’s not addictive. If anything I would urge drug addicts to consider it as an alternative to riding the dragon; as for those who are toying with the idea of drugs, what I call teetering, I put forward the sweets as a halfway house, a compromise; particularly for teenagers. If you are a teenager I urge you to choose the sweets while at the same time asking what could possibly have gone wrong with your life at such a young age to make you resort to a book like this?

Whatever… This book is open to all comers – academics and idiots, old codgers and young bucks, sober judges and teenage binge drinkers. All are welcome! Let’s take the first steps together on our wonderful journey, our fantastic voyage, our magical mystery tour to a place where we will all be …



MAKING DIVORCE WORK!




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