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A French Novel
Frédéric Beigbeder
Already a huge hit in France, the new novel from Independent Foreign Fiction Award-winning author of ‘Windows on the World’.In his most autobiographical text to date, Beigbeder recounts his stay in a French police cell in January 2008, after he was arrested for snorting cocaine off a car bonnet outside a nightclub in the super-chic 8th arrondissement of Paris. As he lies in the cell, he revisits his childhood, from the carefree days when his grandfather taught him to skim pebbles at the beach in Cénitz, to his parents’ divorce, the conflicting influences of his hedonistic father and studious, seemingly conventional brother who ‘has it all’, and his own first, unrequited loves. This patchwork of memories is as much a portrait of the era as it is the story of a fragile, self-critical man who has finally dropped the mask.Sharp, witty – with a particularly pitiless irony directed at himself – and yet tender, ‘A French Novel’ is a gem. Beigbeder’s reminiscences, his search for answers in the lost country of his childhood, will speak to a whole generation searching for its soul.






Epigraph
Like a spring, young children grow
Then blossom in a summer
Surprised by winter they no longer show
What once they were.
Pierre de Ronsard, ‘Ode à Anthoine deChasteigner’, 1550

Dedication
For my family and for Priscilla de Laforcade who is a part of it
Table of Contents
Title Page (#u9374df92-5adc-5270-b7fa-22d05303a32d)
Epigraph (#u767eaa88-26da-5bae-9a5c-e2fe7eac95c4)
Dedication (#u0786f28a-21cd-5a42-85a5-b14e01fb3270)
Foreword (#ua933c61f-32e7-57b0-b975-8db2a356baec)
Prologue (#uad51f27c-2fb5-5e02-9f45-5f323a7a7232)
1. Clipped Wings (#ua44d32cf-016b-5795-94c3-6e1079f6fa35)
2. Lost Grace (#uf9a473d5-1cb7-58b9-bb70-ea8d02416388)
3. Flashbacks of Myself (#ua5503035-cdd2-5028-9d73-734ca56f319a)
4. Vowels, Consonants (#ud8749fe6-066f-5e39-9f19-eec792981614)
5. Fragments of an Arrest (#udee82545-c8c2-5546-aa8d-354076af030d)
6. Guéthary, 1972 (#u0b118fd1-8f96-5923-bf1c-4148d7c90230)
7. Natural Hells (#udfe921a2-9c2c-58d4-96da-51168c74968a)
8. The Original Rake (#u663ba935-60c3-5faf-9056-52aa0942d51d)
9. A French Novel (#u16a46ffe-9c39-5f3c-b55f-e4b3f142c840)
10. With Family (#u9030ee7f-84f3-595a-910b-438ad635a5eb)
11. End of an Era (#u4a02fd14-fd65-5ad9-99fd-c5c8e0aa10e3)
12. Before They Were My Parents, They Were Neighbours (#u67ece8b7-be48-57e4-9d53-a6e1cd38bd30)
13. Revelations about the Lamberts (#u4a824ad1-ed30-53ed-ae70-0be95b5c3169)
14. Hearing Problems (#u632be085-88f1-5f0f-962e-112e379a280d)
15. Affective Prognathism (#u8fe4ac2e-5b79-5090-841b-078418f6f7e5)
16. Quiet Days in Neuilly (#u9b500137-7f94-5a57-843f-b2b51999391b)
17. A Claustrophobic Chapter (#u5b662167-bf19-554e-a240-fd0c0839bc6d)
18. Divorce, French-Style (#u04b374e2-efe8-5f1e-b3f0-6609af9a7388)
19. Van Vogt’s ‘Null-A’ and Fred’s ‘A’ (#u0520f593-c0c7-50d2-a6dd-0983b89463e3)
20. Madame Ratel Paints (#uad1bfba4-ec2d-5917-bd93-db347baf38a0)
21. Forgotten Finger (#u96818241-a211-59e7-94c5-c4558c83e6c8)
22. Return to Guéthary (#ud4824924-6532-5be3-a28f-c598ed5f2d84)
23. Rue Maître-Albert (#u65288fea-5e15-51f4-82d7-5b872d8bff1e)
24. Cassettes (#uccfd2249-5995-535c-823c-8ef187bc0bd8)
25. The Revealing Child (#uca2c6294-b00d-5f76-af70-46cc1bb5bf46)
26. A Scientific Digression (#u4928a512-7792-503c-9eca-64155fd2a9fe)
27. The Trip Across Paris (#u05c59b01-8492-5def-beb9-2524f4c10033)
28. Brother of the Above-Named (#u1a2f20d1-81f4-54f0-a040-8ea5d886bc5c)
29. Could Try Harder (#u33dd6536-0363-5a6b-9724-72ac76c51c27)
30. Force-Fed Children (#u7cb98378-d709-5e5e-b4ff-968c60679f74)
31. Prison Break (#u67718646-fd22-5f7f-8c18-bf83d9066c43)
32. Dreams and Illusions (#u12e8f970-b631-58eb-8562-02e7df76672b)
33. The Dishonest Truth (#ub3fec850-ded6-559f-9199-8bae43f7852b)
34. The Second Father (#u3a81d8b0-da2f-5289-88d1-480cb05247f0)
35. The End of Amnesia (#u392784fb-8eb8-52be-ac81-a29565e608ed)
36. The Day I Broke My Mother’s Heart (#udcd60b28-6a8d-5070-afa9-1cd366ca2b22)
37. Parental Inventory (#uee8de2b3-9d54-51e7-8581-a56aae63a9a6)
38. The French Dream (#u8ea30935-699a-5598-9d4b-efc0ecf35cb3)
39. Compulsive Liars (#ud76d006d-7350-5777-bd17-7c9e14a5e0b5)
40. Release (#u173f2318-24c2-5125-bac6-67c2b7979851)
41. New York, 1981 or 1982 (#uf2c39997-715f-5509-a4ea-06df1101f2a8)
42. Results (#u58f2fbca-ea15-5e50-a160-354144ba30f9)
43. The A in Atlantis (#uec9c6db6-7efb-536f-9c19-cc5907ffbc69)
Epilogue (#u6f7b5117-823c-545d-8ef7-eca764bb695b)
Footnotes (#ue614a1ba-c889-54ac-822c-9ce58493f1c7)
By the Same Author (#ueea4656c-14b9-5700-bcf5-395a63e75ef1)
About the Author (#uc1258dbf-07d8-547f-b3db-30b77c575ff2)
Copyright (#u8d69d884-fe80-51e7-b1ab-6df4233e7135)
About the Publisher (#u9b91e48e-37c8-5968-9f80-ceae246deb89)

FOREWORD
The greatest quality of this book is undoubtedly its honesty. When a book is as honest as this, it can lead, almost unintentionally, to genuine revelations about what it means to be human – in this respect, literature is still leagues ahead of the sciences. In reading A French Novel, we realise that a man’s life is divided into two phases: childhood and adulthood, and that it is completely pointless to further refine this analysis. Formerly, there existed a third phase, known as old age, which linked the two, when childhood memories flooded back, giving a semblance of unity to a human life. But to enter into old age, one must first accept it, leave life behind and enter into the age of memory. Caught up in desires and in adult plans, the author is not at this stage, and has almost no memory of his childhood.
He does, however, have one, involving shrimping and a beach on the côte Basque. Like Cuvier reconstructing the skeleton of a dinosaur from a single fragment of bone, from this single memory Frédéric Beigbeder reconstructs his whole family history. It is a serious, solid work in which we discover a French family, a relatively harmonious blend of bourgeoisie and aristocracy of staunchly rural stock. A family heroic to the point of lunacy during the First World War, and consequently rather more circumspect when the Second World War breaks out. After 1945 they are gripped by a lively appetite for consumerism, an appetite which after 1968 will extend to a new level, becoming widespread in the sphere of morals. A family like many others, most of which belong to the upper classes; but it is the very ordinariness of Beigbeder’s family history that makes it compelling, since the whole history of twentieth-century France unfolds before our eyes, related without apparent effort. On first reading, we get a little confused sometimes with all the characters; that is the only thing for which one might criticise the author.
In adolescence, everything changes. Memories flood back, but there are two things basically, two things in particular that linger in the author’s memory: the girls he has loved, the books he has read. Is that all there is to life, is that all that remains? It would seem so. And here too, Beigbeder’s honesty is so obvious that we would not think to challenge his conclusions. If it is indeed this and this alone that seems important to him, it’s because it truly is. Deep down, the pleasure of autobiography is almost the opposite of that of the novel: far from losing oneself in the author’s world, we never forget ourselves when reading an autobiography; we compare ourselves, we connect, we confirm, page after page, our sense of belonging to a common humanity.
I was less interested by the sections about the nights spent in custody for taking cocaine on the public highway. It’s curious; I should have empathised, having myself spent a night in prison for an offence almost as stupid (smoking a cigarette on a plane) – and I can confirm that conditions in custody are not exactly comfortable. But the author and his friend the Poet protest a little too much; they mouth off. The portrait of the writer as a boy, a sickly little thing, all chin and ears, doing his best to follow in the footsteps of the big brother he admires, is brief, but it is so powerful that I felt I could sense that child reading over my shoulder through the whole book. In this delinquent episode, something is wrong: the child does not recognise himself in the adult he has become. And this, too, is probably the truth: the child is not father to the man. There is the child, there is the man; and between the two there is no connection. It is a discomfiting, embarrassing conclusion: we would like to think that there is a certain unity at the core of the human personality; it is an idea we find difficult to let go of; we would like to be able to make a connection.
That connection we immediately make is in the pages the author devotes to his daughter, probably the most beautiful in the book. Because imperceptibly he realises, and we realise with him, that the childhood years his daughter is going through are the only years of true happiness. And that nothing, not even his love for her, will prevent her from stumbling over the same obstacles, from sinking into the same ruts. This increasingly poignant blend of secret sadness and love culminates in the magnificent epilogue, which in itself would justify this book, in which the author teaches his daughter, as his grandfather taught him, the art of skimming stones. In that moment the circle is closed and everything is justified. The stone that skips magically ‘six, seven, eight times’ across the sea. A victory, albeit limited, against gravity.
Michel Houellebecq

PROLOGUE
I am older than my great-grandfather. Capitaine Thibaud de Chasteigner was thirty-seven years old when he fell during the second battle of Champagne, on 25 September 1915 at 9.15 a.m. between the valley of Suippe and the outskirts of the Argonne forest. I had to pester my mother to find out more; the hero of the family is an unknown soldier. He is buried at the Borie-Petit château, in Dordogne (my uncle’s place), but I saw his photograph in the château Vaugoubert (belonging to another uncle): a tall, thin young man in a blue uniform, with cropped fair hair. In his last letter to my great-grandmother, Thibaud says he has no wire-cutters to clear a path to the enemy’s lines. He describes the flat, chalky landscape, the incessant rain turning the ground into a muddy swampland, and confides that he has received the order to attack the following morning. He knows he will die; his letter is like a ‘snuff movie’ – a horror film made using no special effects. At dawn, he fulfilled his duty, singing the ‘Chant des Girondins’: ‘To die for one’s country is the most noble, most enviable destiny!’ The men of the 161st Infantry Regiment launched themselves into a hail of bullets; as intended, my great-grandfather and his men were ripped to shreds by the German machine guns and asphyxiated with chlorine gas. It might be said that Thibaud was murdered by his superior officers. He was tall, he was young, he was handsome, and La France ordered him to die for her. Or rather – and this gives his fate a curious topicality – La France ordered him to commit suicide. Like a Japanese kamikaze or a Palestinian terrorist, this father of four sacrificed himself knowing precisely what he was doing. This descendant of the crusaders was doomed to imitate Jesus Christ: to give his life so that others might live.
I am descended from a gallant knight crucified on the barbed wire of Champagne.

1
CLIPPED WINGS
I had just found out my brother had been made a Chevalier de la Légion d’honneur when I was arrested. The police did not handcuff me straight away; they only did that later, when I was being transferred to the Hôtel-Dieu, and again when I was transferred to prison on the Île de la Cité the following night. The President of the Republic had just written a charming letter to my elder brother, congratulating him on his contribution to the economic dynamism of France: ‘You are a perfect example of the sort of capitalism we want: a capitalism of entrepreneurs rather than one of speculators.’ On 28 January 2008, at the police station in the 8th arrondissement in Paris, officers in blue uniform, guns and truncheons dangling from their belts, stripped me completely naked in order to search me, confiscated my phone, my watch, my credit card, my money, my keys, my passport, my driving licence, my belt and my scarf, took samples of my saliva and my fingerprints, lifted up my testicles to see whether I had anything stuffed up my arsehole, took front, side and three-quarter photographs of me holding a mugshot placard, before returning me to a cage two metres square, its walls covered with graffiti, dried blood and snot. At the time I did not realise that, a few days later, I would be watching my brother receiving the Légion d’honneur in the Salle des Fêtes of the Élysée Palace, which is not quite so cramped, and that through the picture windows I would watch the leaves of the oak trees in the grounds moving in the wind, as though waving to me, beckoning me to come into the presidential gardens. Lying on a concrete bench at about four o’clock in the morning that dark night, the situation seemed simple to me: God had faith in my brother, and He had abandoned me. How could two people who had been so close as children have had such different fates? I had just been arrested for using class-A drugs on the public highway with a friend. A pickpocket in the next cell hammered on the glass half-heartedly, but regularly enough to keep the rest of the prisoners from getting any sleep. Sleep, in any case, would have been impossible, a utopian dream, since even when the convicts stopped bawling, the police shouted to each other along the gangways at the top of their lungs, as though the prisoners were deaf. The air was pervaded by the smell of sweat, vomit and undercooked microwaved stewed beef with carrots. Time passes very slowly when you don’t have a watch and when no one thinks to switch off the flickering strip light on the ceiling. Lying on the filthy concrete floor at my feet, a schizophrenic in an alcoholic coma groaned, snored and farted. It was freezing, but I was burning up. I tried to think of nothing, but it was impossible: when you bang people up in a tiny little cell, their brains work overtime trying in vain to ward off panic; some fall to their knees and beg to be let out, others have a nervous breakdown, try to top themselves, or confess to crimes they didn’t commit. I would have given anything for a book or a sleeping pill. But since I had neither, I started writing this book in my head, with no pen, my eyes closed. I hope that this book lets you escape from it all, as it did me that night.

2
LOST GRACE
I do not remember my childhood. No one believes me when I say that. Everyone remembers their past; what’s the point of living if you forget your life? I have nothing left of myself: from zero to the age of fifteen, I am confronted by a black hole (as defined in astrophysics: ‘a compact mass having a gravitational field so intense that no matter or radiation can escape’). For a long time I believed that this was normal, that others experienced the same amnesia. But whenever I asked, ‘Do you remember your childhood?’, they would tell me endless stories. I’m ashamed that my autobiography will be written in invisible ink. Why is my childhood not indelible? I feel excluded from the world, because the world has an archaeology and I do not. I have covered my tracks like a criminal on the run. When I mention this disability, my parents roll their eyes to heaven, my family protests, my childhood friends get angry, former girlfriends are tempted to produce photographic evidence.
‘You haven’t lost your memory, Frédéric. It’s just that you don’t care about us!’
Amnesiacs are hurtful; their nearest and dearest take them for revisionists, as though forgetting is always a choice. I’m not lying by omission: I rummage through my life as if it were an empty trunk, and I find nothing; I am a wilderness. Sometimes I’ll hear people whispering behind my back: ‘That guy, I can’t quite work him out.’ I agree. How is it possible to work someone out when he doesn’t know where he comes from? As Gide says in The Counterfeiters, I am ‘built on piles having neither foundations nor substratum’. The ground gives way beneath my feet, I hover on a cushion of air, I am a bottle adrift on the sea, a Calder mobile. In order to please, I gave up having a backbone, I wanted to blend into the background like Zelig, the human chameleon. To forget one’s personality, lose one’s memory in order to be loved; to become, the better to charm, that which others wish one to be. In psychiatric terms this is a personality disorder known as ‘deficiently centred consciousness’. I am an empty vessel, a life without substance. In my childhood bedroom on rue Monsieur-le-Prince, pinned on one of the walls, I’m told, I had a poster for the film My Name is Nobody. I probably identified with the hero.
I have always written stories about men who have no past: the heroes of my books are products of an age of immediacy, cast adrift in a rootless present – transparent inhabitants of a world in which feelings are as short-lived as butterflies, in which forgetfulness is a safeguard against pain. It is possible – I am living proof – to retain only a few scraps of one’s childhood, false for the most part, or fashioned after the fact. Such amnesia is encouraged in our society: even the future perfect is on the road to grammatical oblivion. My handicap will soon be a commonplace; my particular case will become the general. Nonetheless, we must accept that it is not usual to develop Alzheimer’s symptoms in middle age.
Often I refashion my childhood out of politeness. ‘Come on, Frédéric, you must remember?’ I nod sagely: ‘Oh yes, of course, I collected Panini stickers, I was a Rubettes fan, it’s all coming back to me now.’ I am terribly sorry to have to confess here: I remember nothing; I am my own imposter. I have no idea where I was between 1965 and 1980; perhaps this is why I am so lost today. I hope there is some secret, some mysterious hex, some magic spell I could discover which would lead me out of this personal labyrinth. If my childhood was not a nightmare, why does my mind keep my memory in a coma?

3
FLASHBACKS OF MYSELF
I was a good boy, who meekly trailed around after his mother in her peregrinations, and squabbled with his elder brother. I am one of the mass of non-problem children. Sometimes, I am gripped by the fear that perhaps I remember nothing because there is nothing worth remembering. My childhood might have been a long string of empty, dreary, dismal days, as monotonous as waves on a beach. And what if I remember all there is to know? What if the opening act of my existence has no vivid moments? A sheltered, cosseted, privileged childhood without a whit of originality or depth – what would I have to complain about? To be spared misfortunes, tragedies, bereavements and accidents is surely a stroke of luck in the making of a man. This book would then be an inquiry into the dull, the futile, a speleological journey into the depths of bourgeois normality, an account of French banality. All happy childhoods are alike; perhaps they do not warrant being remembered. Is it possible to put into words all the phases that a small boy was doomed to experience in Paris during the Sixties and Seventies? I would love to tell the story of how I was merely a deduction in my parents’ annual tax returns.
My only hope, as I embark on this diving expedition, is that writing can rekindle memory. Literature remembers what we have forgotten: to write is to read within oneself. Writing reawakens memory; it is possible to write as one might exhume a body. Every writer is a ghostbuster, a phantom-hunter. Curious phenomena of involuntary recollection have been observed among a number of famous novelists. Writing possesses a supernatural power. One may start writing a book as though consulting a magus or a marabout. Autobiography exists at the crossroads between Sigmund Freud and the famous astrologer Madame Soleil. In his 1969 article ‘What is the Purpose of Writing?’, Roland Barthes states that ‘writing … fulfils a task whose origin is indiscernible’. Might that task be the sudden return of a forgotten past? Proust, his madeleine, his sonata, the two loose paving stones in the courtyard of the Hôtel de Guermantes which raise him up ‘towards the silent heights of memory’? Hmm, so, no pressure then. I’d rather choose a less illustrious but more recent example. In 1975, Georges Perec begins W, or the Memory of Childhood with this sentence: ‘I have no childhood memories.’ His book is filled with them. Something mysterious happens when we close our eyes to summon up the past: memory is like those sake cups offered in some Japanese restaurants, where a naked woman gradually appears at the bottom, and disappears as soon as the cup is drained. I see her, I gaze at her, but the moment I get close, she vanishes: my lost childhood is like that. I pray that some miracle will happen here, that my past will slowly develop in this book like a Polaroid. To quote myself, if I may be so bold – and in an autobiographical text, to try to avoid navel-gazing would be to add absurdity to pretension – this curious phenomenon has already manifested itself. In 2002, while I was writing Windows on the World, a scene suddenly appeared from nowhere: a cold winter morning in 1978, I am leaving my mother’s apartment to walk to school, my US schoolbag on my back, avoiding stepping on the cracks between paving stones. My mouth spewing plumes of condensation, I am bored to death and have to make an effort of will not to throw myself under the number 84 bus. The chapter closes with this sentence: ‘I never escaped that morning.’ The following year, the last page of L’égoïste romantique evokes the smell of leather in my father’s English cars, which as a boy I found nauseating. Four years later, while writing Au secours pardon, I revelled in the memory of a Saturday night spent in my father’s duplex apartment, where my slippers and my blushes seduced several Scandinavian models who were listening to Stevie Wonder’s orange double album. At the time, I attributed these memories to fictional characters (Oscar and Octave), but no one believed they were made up. I was attempting to talk about my childhood, without really daring to.
After my parents’ divorce, my life was cut in two. On one side, maternal moroseness; on the other, paternal hedonism. Sometimes the moods were reversed: the more my mother got back on her feet, the more my father immured himself in silence. My parents’ moods: the communicating vessels of my childhood. The word vessel also conjures the image of a ship run aground. I clearly had to build myself on shifting sands. For one parent to be happy, it was better if the other was not. This was not a conscious battle; on the contrary, I never saw the slightest hint of hostility between them, yet this pendulum swing was all the more implacable for the fact that they both kept smiling.

4
VOWELS, CONSONANTS
On 28 January 2008, the evening had started out well: dinner washed down with grands crus, then the usual bar crawl through dimly lit watering holes, the shots of coloured flavoured vodkas: liquorice, coconut, strawberry, mint, curaçao, downed in one; the shot glasses, black, white, red, green, blue, the colours of Rimbaud’s poem ‘Vowels’. Riding along on my moped, I hummed the Pixies’ ‘Where Is My Mind’. I was dressed up as a schoolboy, wearing suede cowboy boots, with unkempt shoulder-length hair, cloaking my age in my beard and my black raincoat. I have indulged in such nocturnal excesses for more than twenty years; it is my favourite hobby, the sport of grown-ups who refuse to grow up. It’s not easy being a child trapped in the body of an amnesiac adult.
In Proust’s Sodom and Gomorrah, the Marquis de Vaugoubert wants to look ‘young, virile and attractive, though he could see and no longer dared to peer into his mirror to inspect the wrinkles solidifying around a face whose many charms he would have wished to preserve’. As you can see, the problem is not new: Proust used the name of the château that belonged to my great-grandfather Thibaud. A mild state of inebriation began to envelop reality, to temper my speed, to make my childish behaviour seem acceptable. A new law had been passed by the republic a month previously forbidding smoking in nightclubs, so a crowd had gathered on the pavement along the avenue Marceau. I was a non-smoker expressing solidarity with the pretty girls in patent-leather pumps who huddled around the proffered cigarette lighters. For a second, their faces were lit like a painting by Georges de la Tour. I was holding a glass in one hand, using the other to cling to friendly shoulders. I kissed the hand of a waitress still waiting for a part in a major motion picture, pulled the hair of the editor of a magazine with no readership. An insomniac generation gathered on Monday nights to stave off the cold, the loneliness, the financial crisis already looming on the horizon – God knows, there’s no shortage of excuses to get plastered. There was also an actor who dabbled in art-house cinema, a few out-of-work girls, bouncers both black and white, a singer on his way out and a writer whose first novel I had published. When the latter took out a white wrap and began to tip powder onto the bonnet of the gleaming black Chrysler parked in the access road, no one protested. Flouting the law amused us: we were living in an era of Prohibition, it was time to rebel like Baudelaire and Théophile Gautier, Brett Easton Ellis and Jay McInerney, like Antoine Blondin, who was rescued from a police station by Roger Nimier disguised as a chauffeur. I was meticulously cutting the white crystals with a gold credit card while my writer friend bitched that his mistress was even more jealous than his wife, something that he considered (and as you can imagine, I was nodding vigorously in agreement) an unforgivable lapse of taste, when suddenly a strobing light made me look up. A two-tone car pulled up in front of us. On the doors were strange blue letters underscored by a red stripe. The letter ‘P’. Consonant. The letter ‘O’. Vowel. The letter ‘L’. Consonant. The letter ‘I’. Vowel. I thought of that TV game show, Countdown. The letter ‘C’. Oh, fuck. The letter ‘E’. Doubtless these widely spaced letters had some hidden meaning. Someone wanted to warn us of something, but what? A siren began to wail, the blue light whirled as on a dance floor. We both scarpered like rabbits. Rabbits in slim-fitting jackets. Rabbits in ankle boots with slippery soles. Rabbits unaware that in the 8th arrondissement 28 January 2008 was the first day of the hunting season. One of the rabbits had even left his credit card with his thermally moulded name lying on the bonnet of the car, while the other did not even think to throw away the illicit packets hidden in his pockets. This dawn marks the end of my endless youth.

5
FRAGMENTS OF AN ARREST
You are the one I have been searching for all this time,
in the throbbing vaults, on the dance floors where I never danced,
amid the forest of people,
beneath the light bridges and the sheets of skin, at the end of painted toenails hanging over the end of blazing beds,
in the depths of these eyes that hold no promises,
in the back yards of ramshackle buildings, among lonely dancers and drunken barmen,
between green rubbish bins and silver convertibles,
I looked for you among fractured stars and violet perfumes,
in icy hands and syrupy kisses, at the bottom of rickety staircases,
at the top of brightly lit elevators,
in pallid joys, in seized opportunities, in fierce handshakes,
and in the end I had to stop looking for you
under a starless vault,
on white boats,
in downy necklines and dark hotels,
in mauve mornings and ivory skies, among marshy dawns,
my vanished childhood.
The police wanted to confirm my identity; I did not protest, it was something I too needed to confirm. ‘Who is it that can tell me who I am?’ asks Lear in Shakespeare’s play.
I haven’t slept a wink all night. I don’t know whether the day has dawned: my sky is a crackling white fluorescent tube. I am squeezed into a lightbox. Deprived of space and time, I occupy a container of eternity.
A custody cell is the part of France where maximum pain is concentrated into the minimum square footage.
It is impossible to cling to my youth.
I have to dig deep within myself, like the prisoner Michael Scofield digging a tunnel in Prison Break. To remember in order to go over the wall.
But how can someone take refuge in memories when he has none?
My childhood is not some paradise lost, nor some ancestral trauma. I imagine it more as a slow period of obedience. People have a tendency to idealise their childhood, but a child is first and foremost a bundle that you feed, carry and put to bed. In exchange for bed and board, the bundle conforms on the whole to policies and procedures.
Those who are nostalgic about their childhood are people who miss the time when they were looked after by others.
In the end, a police station is like a day-care centre: they undress you, feed you, keep an eye on you, stop you from leaving. It’s not illogical that my first night in prison should take me back so far.
There are no more adults, only children of all ages. To write a book about my childhood therefore means talking about myself in the present. Peter Pan is amnesiac.
It’s curious that we say someone ‘saved his own skin’ when he runs away. Isn’t it possible to save your skin while staying put?
I can taste salt in my mouth, just as I used to at the beach at Cénitz when I accidentally ended up swallowing seawater.

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