Wrong Knickers for a Wednesday: A funny novel about learning to love yourself
Wrong Knickers for a Wednesday: A funny novel about learning to love yourself
Paige Nick
Hilarious, sassy, fresh and at times completely outrageous, this is an utterly unputdownable feel-good debut from Paige Nick.Grace Hendriks has led a pretty sheltered life. So when her sister Natalie begs Grace to take her place as a Rihanna impersonator at a seedy club in Amsterdam, she has no idea what she’s letting herself in for . . . until she ends up onstage with only a pole for support and her lacy knickers in a knot!Thrown into strip-club life, and forced to share an apartment with an exotic troupe of impersonating divas with Lady Gaga-sized egos, Grace has to learn some hard lessons fast. One: living with Marilyn Monroe and Madonna isn’t easy. And two: transformations don’t happen overnight – especially when your bra is determined to sabotage your dance routine.
Copyright (#ulink_168ad72a-4aea-5e59-9566-8a69e7fc266e)
Published by Avon
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
The News Building
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 as Like a Virgin
This edition published in Great Britain by HarperCollins 2016
Copyright © Paige Nick 2016
Paige Nick asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © 2016 ISBN: 9780008160845
Version: 2016-07-21
Dedication (#ulink_c11bd03e-3285-5e91-a7aa-5cb89f67a489)
For Sarah Lotz, for so many reasons
Contents
Cover (#ucfc11668-e9a3-529b-9d5c-7b0f0635ca2c)
Title Page (#u8801960d-ebfa-52f9-9372-637808c77236)
Copyright (#uc8df0818-3770-5c0e-a5ae-c60eabf3fbb9)
Dedication (#u53282c5d-fd0c-551e-a06f-be8f46845e2a)
Cape Town International Airport – 10:23pm (#ufe274ffb-bb2c-5c17-b669-a074822868bd)
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€200.00 (#u37cf5648-948a-54fc-9143-8cf85d63bede)
Acknowledgements (#u53850071-254e-5bbc-a6a2-d0fcebb0fc1f)
Keep Reading (#u8f482dc3-3c7c-5fc6-886d-3e1ca1facfbb)
About the Publisher (#u12f301af-e28a-579c-bad7-9c434bef8422)
Cape Town International Airport – 10:23pm (#ulink_d51e31f2-ffb1-5564-9ae1-df50ee45a4a8)
> Boarding in 5 mins. Natalie, I don’t think I can do this.
> u can Grace!!!! stop freaking out
> What if I get caught?
> U cant think like that they will pick up on it!!!! People can smell fear. chill
> Easy for you to say. Your butt isn’t on the line.
> Srsly???? U know I wd have been there in a heartbeat if I cudve
> I know I know, Nat. I’m just scared.
> I’m counting on u Grace dnt fck it up. U kno how important this is
> I’m trying OK!
> You have to try harder. You can’t be such a wuss your whole life!
> I told you, Nat, I’m trying.
> u think Lucas suspects nything?
> No I don’t think so. He trusts me. But I hate lying to him. Maybe we should just tell him the truth?
> NO! Jezuz Grace! u swore u wldn’t tell him. He’ll neva understand. Plus u kno he hates my guts, he’d go ballistic if he knew you were doing this for me
> I’m sure he would understand if we explained it.
> Y can’t u just b ur own person 4 once? U promised u wldnt tell him. I need u to do this for me. & u owe me this at least
> OK, I'm doing it! I’m at the airport, I’m flying to Amsterdam, aren’t I? Look I have to go. We’re boarding now and Lucas just WhatsApped me. I’d better message him back before I have to turn off. Text when I land … if I land!
> Dnt tell him! U can do this, Grace
*
> Hey wife to be. I’m missing u already. X What’s happening?
… Grace??? U there??
> Hi husband to be
They just called my section. I’m in line, getting ready to board.
> Can’t believe ur going away for so long XX
> Time will fly. Better go, I don’t want to miss my flight.
> I do want u to miss ur flight Grace, I miss u 2 much already!
> I’ll be home before you know it, and then we can plan our wedding.
> U not scared? First time overseas by yrself is a big thing, babes XXX
> I’m cool. But if anything happens to me, know I love you.
> Lol nothing’s going to happen to u. Just drink lots of water on the plane and WhatsApp me the second you find wifi when you land. I want all the details! XXX
> Kay! Gotta go.
> I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with u, babes! I love you.
> Me too. Love you. xxx
€200.00 (#ulink_801ec1fc-7337-5122-ba6e-7c554a0cea35)
I stare at the back of the woman in the EU passport queue in front of me and concentrate on the list of Jay-Z World Tour dates printed on her hoodie.
Despite the fact that it’s winter in Amsterdam, I’m sweating like crazy in my fleece-lined coat. But at least it’s concealing my sweaty armpits from the eyes of all the immigration officers, cameras and highly trained security personnel dotted around the terminal. All on the lookout for the scared, the nervous and the idiots with heroin shoved up their backsides.
Jay-Z lady nudges her bag forward with her foot and rolls a shoulder. I fix my eyes on the words on the back of her hoodie (‘Atlanta Stadium, July 25’) and steady myself. I’m close enough in the queue now to check out the impassive faces of the men in the immigration booths. This could go really well or phenomenally badly, depending on whether the immigration officer I get is having a good day or a bad day, how naturally suspicious he is, if he needs the bathroom or is in a hurry to get to a tea break, and if he’s sharp-eyed enough to notice that I’m nowhere near the mirror image of the woman in my passport photo.
I shuffle forward again, eyes glued to ‘Yankee Stadium, NYC, June 30’, my heart spiking in my chest, waiting for the sirens to shriek, or a hand to clamp down on my shoulder.
*
I made it.
I can’t believe I flippin’ made it!
Mouth dry, heart thudding, I focus on walking like a normal person (as opposed to someone who’s just committed a felony) towards Baggage Claim. Sweat trickles down my sides under my jacket. The airline’s rubbery breakfast omelette is repeating on me, but I don’t care. I made it.
A weird sense of elation washes over me. I love the sad empty carousel going around and around. I love my exhausted, smelly fellow passengers, jostling to be the closest to the front, despite the fact that their suitcases will come when they come. I love the cleaner with the veined nose, sweeping up invisible dust bunnies. I move in beside Jay-Z lady and grin at her widely. She half-smiles back, returns to her phone, then glances at me again.
I start to relax a little, but I’m not free yet, there’s still customs to go through. They could just as easily catch me there. I picture the whole scene unfolding in vicious clarity: the hand on my shoulder, the ‘come with me, please, ma’am’, the bite of the handcuffs, the click of the camera phone as Jay-Z lady takes a shot for her Instagram. Then the cold room, the even colder strip search, complete with the snap of latex gloves. The single tearful telephone call I’ll get, which I’ll use to call Lucas, who won’t understand anything I’m saying. And when I explain, he’ll dump me on the spot and leave me to rot in a Dutch prison forever. I’ll have to swap sexual favours and cigarettes for loo paper and wear sanitary towels as shoes in the shower, because I don’t have money in my commissary for flip-flops. I wonder if Dutch women’s prisons are anything like Orange Is the New Black.
Natalie’s black and white wheelie suitcase, with the striped ribbon we bought at Kwaai Lappies in Woodstock (so I’d recognise the suitcase more easily in a crowd like this one – Lucas’s idea, he’s got such a practical mind), slides out of the carousel’s mouth. My relief at seeing something familiar is overwhelming and ties a knot in my throat. Which is ironic, since it’s not really my suitcase, and it’s full of someone else’s clothes. Jay-Z lady is still staring at me as I drag the case past her. ‘Hey, anyone ever tell you that you look just like—’ she starts.
‘All the time,’ I say, cutting her off. ‘Thanks.’
I keep moving and head for the exit.
*
‘Nothing To Declare’ is the last of this set of hurdles. I avoid eye contact with anyone and stride towards the exit, concentrating on looking innocent, yet purposeful. They probably aren’t looking for the kinds of things I have to declare, but who wants to chance it?
At last, hallelujah, sliding doors exhale me into the Schiphol airport arrivals terminal. I drag the suitcase behind me and glance back over my shoulder, still paranoid, amazed nobody has chased me down yet.
The route out is lined with bobbing meerkat heads. Dozens of people waiting for friends and family. There are also a few people in chauffeur outfits, holding up boards with names on them. There’s nobody waiting for me, Grace. They’re waiting for the person in the passport I’m travelling on: Natalie Hendricks.
I pause and stare at the crowd, not sure what I’m looking for. I’m the only static in the terminal; people pass by me in flashes. The new paranoia replacing my immigration angst, is getting stranded at the airport with only two hundred euros to my name. It would mean coming clean to Lucas, telling him the real reason I suddenly had to fly off to Amsterdam with only a few days’ notice. More lies. He doesn’t deserve this.
‘Rihanna!’ The shrill voice carries through the airport’s background hum. I swing my head around to try spot the star, and notice a number of other people doing the same, some staring at me with curiosity.
‘Rihanna, dahhhlink!’ the voice shouts again.
Of course, they’re calling me. I spot a couple in their late fifties or early sixties making a beeline for me.
There’s movement and a blur of too-bright colours, and then I’m enveloped in the woman’s arms and a cloud of too-strong Issey Miyake, although if you ask me, any amount of Issey Miyake is too strong.
‘It’s you,’ the woman says in my ear. I’m not really the ‘you’ she thinks I am, but the fact that she recognises me despite myself is a massive relief.
The woman kisses me on one cheek, then the other cheek and then finally goes in for a third kiss back on my first cheek. All of which feels like too many kisses from a complete stranger.
‘We do three kisses here, dahlink. Because the Dutch are three times as gezellig,’ she gushes, her accent strong.
‘Welcome to Amsterdam,’ a man says from just behind the woman, and I hope he stays where he is. I’m not much of a stranger-hugger, particularly after fifteen hours of panic sweating. I try to place the couple’s accents, which are sing-song and don’t sound anything like Afrikaans, so they can’t be Dutch. The man’s not fat exactly, but he’s filled out, rounded at the edges. His face is taut and barely lined, but overly tanned, almost orange. His eyebrows are perfectly plucked into straight lines too high above his eyes to look natural (and is that mascara?). When he smiles, his bleached teeth are almost fluorescent.
‘I’m David,’ he says, extending his hand for a business-like shake, for which I’m grateful. ‘We spoke on the phone.’
I nod, as if I know what he’s talking about.
‘Me, I’m Dania,’ the woman says. She’s wiry and muscular, with the body of a retired career dancer. Dark roots peek out at the scalp of her short peroxided blonde hair. Her lips are swollen with collagen and she has clumps of eyeliner gunk in the corners of her eyes. ‘Your flight was good, ja?’
‘Okay, thanks,’ I say.
‘This is your first time in Amsterdam, dahlink?’
‘Yes.’
‘Excellent, isn’t it, David?’ Dania says, elbowing him in the ribs. ‘We’re very excited. In twenty years of doing the show we’ve never had a Rihanna before, have we dahlink?’
‘Or a South African,’ he adds.
‘It was our son, David Junior’s idea. He wants us to find more modern acts. So I’m not familiar with all your songs yet, but we’re no strangers to showbiz,’ she says, doing jazz hands.
David nods enthusiastically, again. He’s like one of those plastic nodding dogs people put on the back seats of their cars.
‘Let me guess …’ Dania takes me by the chin, her fingernails digging into my skin as she inspects my face. ‘Cheek implants? Ja?’
‘What? No! Of course not!’ I say and pull my head out of her grasp. ‘These are my own cheeks.’
‘Brow lift?’ David asks.
I shake my head.
‘A boob job, then?’ Dania asks, as both of them stare blatantly at my chest.
‘No, nothing,’ I say, annoyed.
Dania pauses to re-evaluate me through critical eyes. ‘Sometimes performers send us their pictures, and when we see them in real life, they look nothing like it. It takes quite a lot of work for some.’
‘And tape,’ David cuts in.
‘But you’re mostly okay,’ Dania says, looking me up and down like she would a prize cow. I’m almost waiting for her to run a hand over my rump. ‘You are a little heavier than in your pictures though, ja?’
Heat floods my cheeks. Are they effing serious? I’ve only just met these people. The weight comment is a low blow. One of my biggest worries about this whole scam is that Natalie is quite a bit smaller than me.
‘But the fat will come off with a little work,’ Dania says.
I open my mouth, about to blurt out that I’m tired and sweaty and not a piece of meat, that I’m not actually who they think I am and I don’t need this scrutiny. And that I don’t think this is going to work, but David cuts me off before I blow everything.
‘She looks tired, shall we get her to the house?’ he says.
‘Of course, ja.’ Dania throws up her hands in a jangle of bracelets. ‘How unthinking of me, keeping you standing here like a potato sack!’ She slips an arm through mine and it takes pure effort of will not to pull away. ‘We will become close, like sisters. I can tell. Like pod peas,’ she says.
I’m tempted to say she’s probably too old to be my sister, more like an aunt. But she interrupts my thoughts.
‘… Okay so we go home, ja? You have the performance at eight, so we must be moving so you can settle.’
Wait a minute … ‘I’m performing tonight?’ I gulp.
‘Ja. Tonight. You received the schedule that was sent by David Junior on the email, yes?’
‘He sent it already three days ago,’ David says as he fishes for his keys in his pocket, and then turns towards an exit.
Thanks a lot, Natalie!
Dania clacks off behind him.
I reach for the case and follow. Not because I want to, but because I really don’t have any other choice.
My breath steams a pulsing misty shape on the back-seat window. I wipe it away with the back of my hand, only to create another one almost immediately. There hasn’t been enough time between agreeing to come here and do this, and then getting on the plane, to build up any kind of real idea of what Amsterdam would be like. Somewhere in the back of my mind I pictured old canal-type postcard images and flashes of the infamous red-light district. But since leaving the airport car park, we’ve been driving through an urban landscape that could be anywhere, with glass-clad high-rises reflecting low, grey skies.
Accordion music blares from the car stereo, and my stomach lurches at David’s stop–start driving. Dania doesn’t appear to notice, even though she keeps jerking forward, her collarbone straining against the seat belt. She’s alternating between singing what could be Swedish lyrics and volleying questions at me about South Africa. I think she’s muddled us up partly with Uganda and partly with Zimbabwe, but I’m too exhausted to correct her.
‘Do you see often lions at home?’ she asks.
‘No,’ I respond.
‘I’ve always wanted to go to Africa. You belong to a tribe, yes? We have nothing like that at home in Sweden. They say it’s beautiful in South Africa. But the crime …’ She ticks her tongue against the back of her teeth.
After twenty-five minutes on the highway, the landscape changes and we weave through busy, narrowing streets. I finally catch a glimpse of my first canal. It looks dark and oily, but also somehow rich, old and majestic at the same time.
David finally fishtails the car onto a cobbled street, shadowed by tall but surprisingly narrow stone and brick buildings that slant up into the sky.
‘I’ve never seen so many bicycles,’ I say. They stream around us, ferrying women, children and dogs, even families of four, in wagon-like trailers and bicycle back-seats. David almost takes out a dozen of them, making me yelp out loud a few times, but neither he nor Dania notices.
‘You find parking, kära,’ Dania says, opening her door before he’s stopped the car fully. ‘I’ll take Rihanna up, show her around and meet you back at the club, ja?’
I clamber out of the car, grateful for solid ground, which after fifteen hours in transit and the car ride with a clearly blind Formula 1 wannabe, doesn’t feel all that solid.
A motion-activated light clicks on with an electric clunk as Dania steps through the front door of the building ahead of me, revealing an ancient wooden staircase. It’s so narrow I don’t know how a more horizontally challenged (i.e. fat) person would make it up. Squeeze up sideways? Live somewhere else? The stairs aren’t just narrow and creaky; they’re also as steep as an advanced-level ski slope. I have to clutch the banister with one hand and lean forward as I follow Dania, my suitcase thunking up every step behind me.
Dania unlocks a door at the top of the first flight. She’s not even out of breath, and I’m puffing and panting my way up. It takes me so long to heave myself and my bag up the stairs that the motion sensor light switches off, plunging the stairs into darkness. Dania has to wave her arms to turn it back on again. When I catch up with her, we step into a large living area, with high ceilings and wooden floors. The meaty smell of other people’s cooking permeates the air.
The lounge is simply decorated, but with so much furniture that it reminds me of the Big Brother house on TV. I count three enormous couches. Magazines in various languages are strewn on each of the four coffee tables, as well as a scatter of empty mugs, bottles of nail polish in every colour, emery boards and a hairbrush. The street-facing windows are draped with blue denim curtains and look out onto the canal below.
‘It’s a … a … beautiful flat,’ I say. It’s not really what I’m thinking, but manners prevail. I wonder who stayed here before me. They haven’t left it very tidy for the new tenant.
‘Good. We hope you’ll be very comfortable here, ja? This is your new home and you must treat it as your own. As a fellow performer, I know how hard it is being far away from home. Discomfortable, really. But if you ever need to talk to us, David and me, we are here for you, like family people. Now we show you the kitchen, ja?’
It’s not actually a question, but her voice naturally rises at the end of all her sentences. It must be a Swedish thing. I follow her into the next room, where three stoves are lined up against one wall. There are also two microwaves and three fridges. It seems a little excessive. The smell of unfamiliar cooked food is more pungent in here. Cabbage and something that makes me think of boiling sheep heads.
‘You’ll find your name on a shelf in the cupboard and one in a fridge for your groceries. Word of helping, don’t touch anyone else’s shelf. These girls are thin and hungry, food is important, and it’s a quick way to make enemies.’
‘Girls?’ I blurt out.
‘Ja, sure, the girls,’ Dania says.
‘What girls?’
‘The other performers. The girls who live here.’ She gives me a curious stare.
‘Ohhh, of course. The other girls,’ I say, trying to sound casual. Effing, effing Natalie! First I’m performing on my first night, next I’m living in a communal house with goodness knows how many other women. I should have grilled Natalie more closely before I agreed to any of this madness. What did I think, that I’d have a whole apartment to myself? That was just naïve. The enormity of what I’ve agreed to do strikes me, and I have to put my hand down on the sticky kitchen counter for balance. Not only am I going to have to pretend to be someone else on stage, but where I’m staying as well. I’m going to have to perform – as Natalie being Rihanna – twenty-four/seven. This is completely insane. I gnaw at a fingernail, trying not to panic.
‘It’s not always so quiet here, like this,’ Dania is saying, oblivious to the fact that I’m on the verge of hyperventilating. ‘The girls are all at the club early today for spraying tan. Winter problems. Come, we continue with the touring.’
I traipse down a corridor behind Dania, wiping my sticky palm on my leg and taking deep breaths. She pushes open a door to a small, cluttered bathroom.
‘Bathroom, ja?’ she says, her voice businesslike.
I follow her back to the lounge.
‘There’s no phone. We did once try, but with calls to Croatia and Estonia, it’s difficult to manage the bill. There is Wi-Fi limitlessly though, so you can be in touch with all your people at home. The code is on a piece of paper, stuck to the side of that cupboard, ja.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, my lip trembling.
‘You are from a big family, ja?’
‘No. It’s just me and my older sister. Our parents died some years ago in a car accident.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Dania says, ticking her tongue against the back of her teeth again and giving me that look everyone gets when you tell them you’re an orphan. Pity mixed with discomfort. People don’t know what to say. Which is fine by me; there’s nothing you can say.
‘What about a boyfriend?’ Dania asks, reaching for my hand and pulling it towards her to examine the naked ring finger. ‘Or children?’ Clearly this woman has no personal boundaries.
‘I have a fiancé,’ I say. ‘His name’s Lucas. He’s a teacher.’ Like me, I almost say, but stop myself just in time.
‘How does he feel about you being here?’
‘He’s … ummm … He’s supportive and excited.’
‘This is unusual but good. And you have left Africa by yourself before, kära?’ she asks.
‘Not since we came back to South Africa from exile, when I was a little girl,’ I say.
‘You will get used to it. I should know. David and I have been in showbiz for over thirty years, ja. Travelling, performing everywhere. Who would you say we look like?’ she says, brightening and landing both hands on her hips in a theatrical pose.
‘I don’t know …’
‘Guess,’ she says, sticking her neck out towards me so I can examine her features more closely.
‘Really, I have no idea. Sorry.’
‘Go on, just one guesses. I give you a hint; David and I have the most successful double act in Sweden for over twenty years. Who do you say I look like?’
‘Joan Rivers?’ I offer, realising too late that this might not be very complimentary.
Dania grimaces.
‘Sorry. It’s been a long day, the flight and everything … I haven’t slept much,’ I stutter.
She recovers quickly. ‘You make a joke. Here, I give you another hint …’ she says. She starts gyrating her hips and breaks into song – something completely unrecognisable.
‘It’s on the tip of my tongue,’ I say. I haven’t got a clue, but anything to make her stop.
‘I tell you,’ she says, clapping her hands together, ‘but you’ll kick your back … is Sonny and Cher! Ja?’
‘Wow, now that you tell me of course you are, I can really see the likeness,’ I lie again.
‘I suppose it’s hard to tell without the wig.’
‘Exactly, and the outfits,’ I say. ‘Plus, I’m really tired. Any other day I would have gotten it just like that.’ I click my fingers.
‘In 1982 we are coming number eight in the Eurovision Song Contest,’ Dania says. ‘Anyway … that was then.’ She waves her hand in front of her face. ‘We retired from the biz in 1999. Then we come over here and buy the club with all our savings and prize-winnings money and so Legends was born. It is the first club like this in the whole wide world. The rest is history. David Junior was still cute baby boy then. Now he’s not so baby, but still cute-cute, my boy.’
Dania retreats into a daydream with a half-smile on her face. When I clear my throat, she starts. ‘Come, I take you now to show your room, ja? I grab my suitcase and we return to the landing. The stairwell lights click on with another clunk and we continue up the remainder of the steep, narrow staircase. I drag the stupid, heavy case behind me again. What the hell did Natalie pack in here, bricks? I’m amazed I have any body fluid left to sweat out.
Dania unlocks the door and we spill into a narrow corridor before the light times out again. The suitcase wheels whir along the wooden floor as I follow Dania down a narrow passageway punctuated with closed doors. Dania unlocks the very last door and pushes it open for me, but doesn’t go inside. Instead she holds out a clog keyring with the words ‘I heart Amsterdam’ and four keys attached to it.
‘This is for the door on the street, ja? This is the front door key, and this is the second floor key, and this is your bedroom key. Don’t lose. And also, don’t write the address on it, because if you do lose we have to change all the locks in the house. Which is a katastrof and will be for you to pay. But do write the address down somewhere, in case of getting lost. Everyone gets lost in the beginning. There are only two bathrooms in the house. The one we look at downstairs and another one through that door. There are more showers and locker space at the club, ja? So you can use also those.’
‘Thank you.’ I stare at the keys in my palm, thoughts racing. If anyone had told me three days ago that today I’d be moving into a house in Amsterdam with I don’t even know how many other women from who knows where – I’ve lost track of how many bedroom doors we passed – I’d have said they were smoking their socks.
‘Get comfortable, get ready and I come back in two and a half hours to take you to the club. You perform a bit after eight, ja?’
‘Wait … I …’ I scramble to think of a way to get out of performing so soon. Sudden flu? Ebola? What are Ebola symptoms? A cough? That’s too easy. Throw myself down the steep narrow stairs and pray I break something?
‘I almost forget, house rules …’ Dania cuts into my thoughts of stepping in front of a speeding bicycle. ‘No smoking in the house, not even out a window. If you must smoke you can go out on the street, but is very bad for wrinkles, ja?’ she says, stroking her cheek with the back of her palm. ‘And no drugs of course, but number one – no men allowed in the house.’
I nod numbly.
‘I mean it,’ Dania says sharply, her demeanour instantly hard. ‘No men allowed, not one, not by a mistake, not for one minute or thirty seconds, not if he is your brother or your uncle or your great cousin, or long-lost twin, or waxer, even if he is gay. And not for any other reason you can come up with. I have heard them all a hundred times, I can promise. One strike is out, no questions, no answers. It is rule number one, two, three and four here, ja?’ It’s obviously a speech she’s given a million times before.
‘Of course, absolutely,’ I say. There’s no way I’m bringing anyone up here. Who would there be to bring? And anyway, they’d never handle these stairs. I just want to focus on staying out of trouble, not getting caught, and seeing out my time here without any speed bumps. And then I’ll take the money home for Natalie.
Satisfied she’s made her point, Dania softens. ‘I must go, ja? David will be waiting for me.’
‘About tonight …’ I say.
‘Ja?’ she says.
What’s there to say? I’m here to perform: that’s my job. I can’t tell her I’m not prepared, that I’m not who she thinks I am, especially after making it this far. This has to work. ‘Nothing,’ I say quietly. ‘See you later.’
Dania’s skirt swirls around her in the passage as she turns to leave.
*
The bedroom has a university-dorm-room vibe. Although it’s almost too small to have a vibe at all, with just enough room for two single beds as long as there’s no cat swinging going on. I gnaw on the edge of my thumb; I’m clearly sharing with someone – one of the beds is unmade and there are clothes strewn everywhere. It looks like a bomb hit it, followed by a tsunami and then a hurricane.
I assume that the made-up bed is mine, and heft the suitcase onto it, then extract a lacy pink bra from my pillow and examine it closely. Whoever I’m sharing with has clearly never met a hanger or a drawer before, and has ginormous boobs. I lay the bra down gently on the unmade bed on top of a flotsam of clothes and a jetsam of underwear. I take a deep breath: this is going to be an adjustment. Not only sharing the house, but sharing a room too. It’s a double whammy I could do without. I could kill Natalie, give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and then kill her all over again.
I tentatively open the closet. It’s stuffed to overflowing with dozens of dresses. No wonder there’s so much clothing on the floor and bed. I open the top drawer in the bureau next to the closet. It’s packed with underwear. I run my fingertips over a pair of white lace panties, and try to picture the person who belongs to them. Then I hear footsteps and voices somewhere in the house. It would make a really bad first impression to be caught fiddling with my new roommate’s knickers if anyone came in here now, so I shove the drawer and cupboard closed and dart back to the suitcase.
There’s no room to unpack anything, but I need to figure out what I’m going to wear for my first performance tonight. At some point I’m going to have to move past denial and realise that this thing is happening.
I pull out the first dress I find, folded on the top layer of the suitcase, and try to shake out its creases. It’s a short white dress, low-cut in the back. Next to it lies a pair of six-inch white platform heels. I pull them out, but they weigh a ton, and I don’t want to break my neck on my first night, so I set them aside. I fish a little further down, feeling for the simple black wedges I shoved down the side of the suitcase a day ago. Those will have to do for now. Sorry, Rihanna.
*
> Lucas, I’m here, I made it. I’m in Amsterdam, I’m alive!
> Oh thank goodness, babes, I’ve been worried sick.
> Sorry, only just got to the house and got connected to the wi-fi here.
> How was ur flight?
> Long but fine. Only two crying babies.
> Brave girl! What’s it like there?
> Seems nice. Bit cold. Beautiful. Headmistress from the school was waiting for me at airport. Her name’s Dania. I think she’s Swedish.
> And the place where ur staying? Send pics.
I look around the tsunami room. No way can I send him pics of this; he’d have a billion questions, and I don’t have any answers yet.
> It’s a pretty regular apartment in the city. I’ll send pics as soon as I’m settled. There are a bunch of other trainee teachers in the programme also staying here.
> Men and women?
> Don’t know, they’re all at school still, haven’t met anyone yet.
> Miss u like crazy already wife to be. XXX
> Me too husband to be. I love you! I’d better go unpack. XXX
> Message me later, ok? Want to hear everything. Love u too too much. XXXXX and don’t forget to send pics.
*
> Hi Nat
> Hi, where u Gracie?
> I made it. I’m in Amsterdam at the apartment.
> So customs & immigration ok? No questions about my passport?
> Nope, no problems, can you believe it? They just let me through. Such a relief.
> Yes! Knew ud b fine. Jealous!!!! U xited?
> No, I’m terrified. I have to perform in a few hours. Don't think I can do this.
> Course u can, member we discussed this! Its just like doin karaoke
> You know I hate karaoke! And all your dresses are too small for me!
> Shit! Was worried about that. Wat u wearing??
> The white one like the one she wore for the X Factor final. But it’s super-tight. What if I don’t look like her out there?
> Grace pls!! Grow up! U look more like Rihanna than me, everyone always says so
> I’m too short and fat to be her.
> Will b fine fake it till u make it
> How do you walk in these heels, let alone dance in them? I’m freaking out!
> it’s easy u just need practice. u know I wldnt ask u to do this if it wasn’t rly important
> I know. And I know how much you’ve sacrificed since mom and dad died. But I’m sure everyone here will see through me after five seconds.
> U can’t b such a wimp Gracie. Channel her, like we used 2. U can do this!
> I’m really nervous.
> Ur in Amsterdam, smoke a spliff to ease ur nerves
> You know I don’t smoke.
> Always such a goodie-goodie. How do we cum from same genes? u can eat it 2 u know
> What does it do when you eat it?
> It’s amazeballs! Not hectic but it will make you totally chill! Perfect 2 kick nerves before u perform
> Really?
> Wld I lie 2 u? Gr8 2 take edge off. Have half a brownie, ull barely feel it, will just make u relax
> No ways! I’m freaking out. I haven’t danced in years.
> eat the dope cookie ull be 100% – just bendier for dancing. Go on wimpface, do it!
> You know I don’t do drugs, Natalie!
> Well I wld totes do it if I was there. Dunno y u being such a baby
> Fingers crossed I don’t fall on my face.
> Ull be fine. Break a leg babe
> I think one broken leg in the family is enough! That’s what got us into this mess in the first place!
> <3 u. Go make lots of $ and try have sum fun for once in ur life!!! Ur far 2 serious
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Paige Nick
Hilarious, sassy, fresh and at times completely outrageous, this is an utterly unputdownable feel-good debut from Paige Nick.Grace Hendriks has led a pretty sheltered life. So when her sister Natalie begs Grace to take her place as a Rihanna impersonator at a seedy club in Amsterdam, she has no idea what she’s letting herself in for . . . until she ends up onstage with only a pole for support and her lacy knickers in a knot!Thrown into strip-club life, and forced to share an apartment with an exotic troupe of impersonating divas with Lady Gaga-sized egos, Grace has to learn some hard lessons fast. One: living with Marilyn Monroe and Madonna isn’t easy. And two: transformations don’t happen overnight – especially when your bra is determined to sabotage your dance routine.
Copyright (#ulink_168ad72a-4aea-5e59-9566-8a69e7fc266e)
Published by Avon
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
The News Building
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk)
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 as Like a Virgin
This edition published in Great Britain by HarperCollins 2016
Copyright © Paige Nick 2016
Paige Nick asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © 2016 ISBN: 9780008160845
Version: 2016-07-21
Dedication (#ulink_c11bd03e-3285-5e91-a7aa-5cb89f67a489)
For Sarah Lotz, for so many reasons
Contents
Cover (#ucfc11668-e9a3-529b-9d5c-7b0f0635ca2c)
Title Page (#u8801960d-ebfa-52f9-9372-637808c77236)
Copyright (#uc8df0818-3770-5c0e-a5ae-c60eabf3fbb9)
Dedication (#u53282c5d-fd0c-551e-a06f-be8f46845e2a)
Cape Town International Airport – 10:23pm (#ufe274ffb-bb2c-5c17-b669-a074822868bd)
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€200.00 (#u37cf5648-948a-54fc-9143-8cf85d63bede)
Acknowledgements (#u53850071-254e-5bbc-a6a2-d0fcebb0fc1f)
Keep Reading (#u8f482dc3-3c7c-5fc6-886d-3e1ca1facfbb)
About the Publisher (#u12f301af-e28a-579c-bad7-9c434bef8422)
Cape Town International Airport – 10:23pm (#ulink_d51e31f2-ffb1-5564-9ae1-df50ee45a4a8)
> Boarding in 5 mins. Natalie, I don’t think I can do this.
> u can Grace!!!! stop freaking out
> What if I get caught?
> U cant think like that they will pick up on it!!!! People can smell fear. chill
> Easy for you to say. Your butt isn’t on the line.
> Srsly???? U know I wd have been there in a heartbeat if I cudve
> I know I know, Nat. I’m just scared.
> I’m counting on u Grace dnt fck it up. U kno how important this is
> I’m trying OK!
> You have to try harder. You can’t be such a wuss your whole life!
> I told you, Nat, I’m trying.
> u think Lucas suspects nything?
> No I don’t think so. He trusts me. But I hate lying to him. Maybe we should just tell him the truth?
> NO! Jezuz Grace! u swore u wldn’t tell him. He’ll neva understand. Plus u kno he hates my guts, he’d go ballistic if he knew you were doing this for me
> I’m sure he would understand if we explained it.
> Y can’t u just b ur own person 4 once? U promised u wldnt tell him. I need u to do this for me. & u owe me this at least
> OK, I'm doing it! I’m at the airport, I’m flying to Amsterdam, aren’t I? Look I have to go. We’re boarding now and Lucas just WhatsApped me. I’d better message him back before I have to turn off. Text when I land … if I land!
> Dnt tell him! U can do this, Grace
*
> Hey wife to be. I’m missing u already. X What’s happening?
… Grace??? U there??
> Hi husband to be
They just called my section. I’m in line, getting ready to board.
> Can’t believe ur going away for so long XX
> Time will fly. Better go, I don’t want to miss my flight.
> I do want u to miss ur flight Grace, I miss u 2 much already!
> I’ll be home before you know it, and then we can plan our wedding.
> U not scared? First time overseas by yrself is a big thing, babes XXX
> I’m cool. But if anything happens to me, know I love you.
> Lol nothing’s going to happen to u. Just drink lots of water on the plane and WhatsApp me the second you find wifi when you land. I want all the details! XXX
> Kay! Gotta go.
> I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with u, babes! I love you.
> Me too. Love you. xxx
€200.00 (#ulink_801ec1fc-7337-5122-ba6e-7c554a0cea35)
I stare at the back of the woman in the EU passport queue in front of me and concentrate on the list of Jay-Z World Tour dates printed on her hoodie.
Despite the fact that it’s winter in Amsterdam, I’m sweating like crazy in my fleece-lined coat. But at least it’s concealing my sweaty armpits from the eyes of all the immigration officers, cameras and highly trained security personnel dotted around the terminal. All on the lookout for the scared, the nervous and the idiots with heroin shoved up their backsides.
Jay-Z lady nudges her bag forward with her foot and rolls a shoulder. I fix my eyes on the words on the back of her hoodie (‘Atlanta Stadium, July 25’) and steady myself. I’m close enough in the queue now to check out the impassive faces of the men in the immigration booths. This could go really well or phenomenally badly, depending on whether the immigration officer I get is having a good day or a bad day, how naturally suspicious he is, if he needs the bathroom or is in a hurry to get to a tea break, and if he’s sharp-eyed enough to notice that I’m nowhere near the mirror image of the woman in my passport photo.
I shuffle forward again, eyes glued to ‘Yankee Stadium, NYC, June 30’, my heart spiking in my chest, waiting for the sirens to shriek, or a hand to clamp down on my shoulder.
*
I made it.
I can’t believe I flippin’ made it!
Mouth dry, heart thudding, I focus on walking like a normal person (as opposed to someone who’s just committed a felony) towards Baggage Claim. Sweat trickles down my sides under my jacket. The airline’s rubbery breakfast omelette is repeating on me, but I don’t care. I made it.
A weird sense of elation washes over me. I love the sad empty carousel going around and around. I love my exhausted, smelly fellow passengers, jostling to be the closest to the front, despite the fact that their suitcases will come when they come. I love the cleaner with the veined nose, sweeping up invisible dust bunnies. I move in beside Jay-Z lady and grin at her widely. She half-smiles back, returns to her phone, then glances at me again.
I start to relax a little, but I’m not free yet, there’s still customs to go through. They could just as easily catch me there. I picture the whole scene unfolding in vicious clarity: the hand on my shoulder, the ‘come with me, please, ma’am’, the bite of the handcuffs, the click of the camera phone as Jay-Z lady takes a shot for her Instagram. Then the cold room, the even colder strip search, complete with the snap of latex gloves. The single tearful telephone call I’ll get, which I’ll use to call Lucas, who won’t understand anything I’m saying. And when I explain, he’ll dump me on the spot and leave me to rot in a Dutch prison forever. I’ll have to swap sexual favours and cigarettes for loo paper and wear sanitary towels as shoes in the shower, because I don’t have money in my commissary for flip-flops. I wonder if Dutch women’s prisons are anything like Orange Is the New Black.
Natalie’s black and white wheelie suitcase, with the striped ribbon we bought at Kwaai Lappies in Woodstock (so I’d recognise the suitcase more easily in a crowd like this one – Lucas’s idea, he’s got such a practical mind), slides out of the carousel’s mouth. My relief at seeing something familiar is overwhelming and ties a knot in my throat. Which is ironic, since it’s not really my suitcase, and it’s full of someone else’s clothes. Jay-Z lady is still staring at me as I drag the case past her. ‘Hey, anyone ever tell you that you look just like—’ she starts.
‘All the time,’ I say, cutting her off. ‘Thanks.’
I keep moving and head for the exit.
*
‘Nothing To Declare’ is the last of this set of hurdles. I avoid eye contact with anyone and stride towards the exit, concentrating on looking innocent, yet purposeful. They probably aren’t looking for the kinds of things I have to declare, but who wants to chance it?
At last, hallelujah, sliding doors exhale me into the Schiphol airport arrivals terminal. I drag the suitcase behind me and glance back over my shoulder, still paranoid, amazed nobody has chased me down yet.
The route out is lined with bobbing meerkat heads. Dozens of people waiting for friends and family. There are also a few people in chauffeur outfits, holding up boards with names on them. There’s nobody waiting for me, Grace. They’re waiting for the person in the passport I’m travelling on: Natalie Hendricks.
I pause and stare at the crowd, not sure what I’m looking for. I’m the only static in the terminal; people pass by me in flashes. The new paranoia replacing my immigration angst, is getting stranded at the airport with only two hundred euros to my name. It would mean coming clean to Lucas, telling him the real reason I suddenly had to fly off to Amsterdam with only a few days’ notice. More lies. He doesn’t deserve this.
‘Rihanna!’ The shrill voice carries through the airport’s background hum. I swing my head around to try spot the star, and notice a number of other people doing the same, some staring at me with curiosity.
‘Rihanna, dahhhlink!’ the voice shouts again.
Of course, they’re calling me. I spot a couple in their late fifties or early sixties making a beeline for me.
There’s movement and a blur of too-bright colours, and then I’m enveloped in the woman’s arms and a cloud of too-strong Issey Miyake, although if you ask me, any amount of Issey Miyake is too strong.
‘It’s you,’ the woman says in my ear. I’m not really the ‘you’ she thinks I am, but the fact that she recognises me despite myself is a massive relief.
The woman kisses me on one cheek, then the other cheek and then finally goes in for a third kiss back on my first cheek. All of which feels like too many kisses from a complete stranger.
‘We do three kisses here, dahlink. Because the Dutch are three times as gezellig,’ she gushes, her accent strong.
‘Welcome to Amsterdam,’ a man says from just behind the woman, and I hope he stays where he is. I’m not much of a stranger-hugger, particularly after fifteen hours of panic sweating. I try to place the couple’s accents, which are sing-song and don’t sound anything like Afrikaans, so they can’t be Dutch. The man’s not fat exactly, but he’s filled out, rounded at the edges. His face is taut and barely lined, but overly tanned, almost orange. His eyebrows are perfectly plucked into straight lines too high above his eyes to look natural (and is that mascara?). When he smiles, his bleached teeth are almost fluorescent.
‘I’m David,’ he says, extending his hand for a business-like shake, for which I’m grateful. ‘We spoke on the phone.’
I nod, as if I know what he’s talking about.
‘Me, I’m Dania,’ the woman says. She’s wiry and muscular, with the body of a retired career dancer. Dark roots peek out at the scalp of her short peroxided blonde hair. Her lips are swollen with collagen and she has clumps of eyeliner gunk in the corners of her eyes. ‘Your flight was good, ja?’
‘Okay, thanks,’ I say.
‘This is your first time in Amsterdam, dahlink?’
‘Yes.’
‘Excellent, isn’t it, David?’ Dania says, elbowing him in the ribs. ‘We’re very excited. In twenty years of doing the show we’ve never had a Rihanna before, have we dahlink?’
‘Or a South African,’ he adds.
‘It was our son, David Junior’s idea. He wants us to find more modern acts. So I’m not familiar with all your songs yet, but we’re no strangers to showbiz,’ she says, doing jazz hands.
David nods enthusiastically, again. He’s like one of those plastic nodding dogs people put on the back seats of their cars.
‘Let me guess …’ Dania takes me by the chin, her fingernails digging into my skin as she inspects my face. ‘Cheek implants? Ja?’
‘What? No! Of course not!’ I say and pull my head out of her grasp. ‘These are my own cheeks.’
‘Brow lift?’ David asks.
I shake my head.
‘A boob job, then?’ Dania asks, as both of them stare blatantly at my chest.
‘No, nothing,’ I say, annoyed.
Dania pauses to re-evaluate me through critical eyes. ‘Sometimes performers send us their pictures, and when we see them in real life, they look nothing like it. It takes quite a lot of work for some.’
‘And tape,’ David cuts in.
‘But you’re mostly okay,’ Dania says, looking me up and down like she would a prize cow. I’m almost waiting for her to run a hand over my rump. ‘You are a little heavier than in your pictures though, ja?’
Heat floods my cheeks. Are they effing serious? I’ve only just met these people. The weight comment is a low blow. One of my biggest worries about this whole scam is that Natalie is quite a bit smaller than me.
‘But the fat will come off with a little work,’ Dania says.
I open my mouth, about to blurt out that I’m tired and sweaty and not a piece of meat, that I’m not actually who they think I am and I don’t need this scrutiny. And that I don’t think this is going to work, but David cuts me off before I blow everything.
‘She looks tired, shall we get her to the house?’ he says.
‘Of course, ja.’ Dania throws up her hands in a jangle of bracelets. ‘How unthinking of me, keeping you standing here like a potato sack!’ She slips an arm through mine and it takes pure effort of will not to pull away. ‘We will become close, like sisters. I can tell. Like pod peas,’ she says.
I’m tempted to say she’s probably too old to be my sister, more like an aunt. But she interrupts my thoughts.
‘… Okay so we go home, ja? You have the performance at eight, so we must be moving so you can settle.’
Wait a minute … ‘I’m performing tonight?’ I gulp.
‘Ja. Tonight. You received the schedule that was sent by David Junior on the email, yes?’
‘He sent it already three days ago,’ David says as he fishes for his keys in his pocket, and then turns towards an exit.
Thanks a lot, Natalie!
Dania clacks off behind him.
I reach for the case and follow. Not because I want to, but because I really don’t have any other choice.
My breath steams a pulsing misty shape on the back-seat window. I wipe it away with the back of my hand, only to create another one almost immediately. There hasn’t been enough time between agreeing to come here and do this, and then getting on the plane, to build up any kind of real idea of what Amsterdam would be like. Somewhere in the back of my mind I pictured old canal-type postcard images and flashes of the infamous red-light district. But since leaving the airport car park, we’ve been driving through an urban landscape that could be anywhere, with glass-clad high-rises reflecting low, grey skies.
Accordion music blares from the car stereo, and my stomach lurches at David’s stop–start driving. Dania doesn’t appear to notice, even though she keeps jerking forward, her collarbone straining against the seat belt. She’s alternating between singing what could be Swedish lyrics and volleying questions at me about South Africa. I think she’s muddled us up partly with Uganda and partly with Zimbabwe, but I’m too exhausted to correct her.
‘Do you see often lions at home?’ she asks.
‘No,’ I respond.
‘I’ve always wanted to go to Africa. You belong to a tribe, yes? We have nothing like that at home in Sweden. They say it’s beautiful in South Africa. But the crime …’ She ticks her tongue against the back of her teeth.
After twenty-five minutes on the highway, the landscape changes and we weave through busy, narrowing streets. I finally catch a glimpse of my first canal. It looks dark and oily, but also somehow rich, old and majestic at the same time.
David finally fishtails the car onto a cobbled street, shadowed by tall but surprisingly narrow stone and brick buildings that slant up into the sky.
‘I’ve never seen so many bicycles,’ I say. They stream around us, ferrying women, children and dogs, even families of four, in wagon-like trailers and bicycle back-seats. David almost takes out a dozen of them, making me yelp out loud a few times, but neither he nor Dania notices.
‘You find parking, kära,’ Dania says, opening her door before he’s stopped the car fully. ‘I’ll take Rihanna up, show her around and meet you back at the club, ja?’
I clamber out of the car, grateful for solid ground, which after fifteen hours in transit and the car ride with a clearly blind Formula 1 wannabe, doesn’t feel all that solid.
A motion-activated light clicks on with an electric clunk as Dania steps through the front door of the building ahead of me, revealing an ancient wooden staircase. It’s so narrow I don’t know how a more horizontally challenged (i.e. fat) person would make it up. Squeeze up sideways? Live somewhere else? The stairs aren’t just narrow and creaky; they’re also as steep as an advanced-level ski slope. I have to clutch the banister with one hand and lean forward as I follow Dania, my suitcase thunking up every step behind me.
Dania unlocks a door at the top of the first flight. She’s not even out of breath, and I’m puffing and panting my way up. It takes me so long to heave myself and my bag up the stairs that the motion sensor light switches off, plunging the stairs into darkness. Dania has to wave her arms to turn it back on again. When I catch up with her, we step into a large living area, with high ceilings and wooden floors. The meaty smell of other people’s cooking permeates the air.
The lounge is simply decorated, but with so much furniture that it reminds me of the Big Brother house on TV. I count three enormous couches. Magazines in various languages are strewn on each of the four coffee tables, as well as a scatter of empty mugs, bottles of nail polish in every colour, emery boards and a hairbrush. The street-facing windows are draped with blue denim curtains and look out onto the canal below.
‘It’s a … a … beautiful flat,’ I say. It’s not really what I’m thinking, but manners prevail. I wonder who stayed here before me. They haven’t left it very tidy for the new tenant.
‘Good. We hope you’ll be very comfortable here, ja? This is your new home and you must treat it as your own. As a fellow performer, I know how hard it is being far away from home. Discomfortable, really. But if you ever need to talk to us, David and me, we are here for you, like family people. Now we show you the kitchen, ja?’
It’s not actually a question, but her voice naturally rises at the end of all her sentences. It must be a Swedish thing. I follow her into the next room, where three stoves are lined up against one wall. There are also two microwaves and three fridges. It seems a little excessive. The smell of unfamiliar cooked food is more pungent in here. Cabbage and something that makes me think of boiling sheep heads.
‘You’ll find your name on a shelf in the cupboard and one in a fridge for your groceries. Word of helping, don’t touch anyone else’s shelf. These girls are thin and hungry, food is important, and it’s a quick way to make enemies.’
‘Girls?’ I blurt out.
‘Ja, sure, the girls,’ Dania says.
‘What girls?’
‘The other performers. The girls who live here.’ She gives me a curious stare.
‘Ohhh, of course. The other girls,’ I say, trying to sound casual. Effing, effing Natalie! First I’m performing on my first night, next I’m living in a communal house with goodness knows how many other women. I should have grilled Natalie more closely before I agreed to any of this madness. What did I think, that I’d have a whole apartment to myself? That was just naïve. The enormity of what I’ve agreed to do strikes me, and I have to put my hand down on the sticky kitchen counter for balance. Not only am I going to have to pretend to be someone else on stage, but where I’m staying as well. I’m going to have to perform – as Natalie being Rihanna – twenty-four/seven. This is completely insane. I gnaw at a fingernail, trying not to panic.
‘It’s not always so quiet here, like this,’ Dania is saying, oblivious to the fact that I’m on the verge of hyperventilating. ‘The girls are all at the club early today for spraying tan. Winter problems. Come, we continue with the touring.’
I traipse down a corridor behind Dania, wiping my sticky palm on my leg and taking deep breaths. She pushes open a door to a small, cluttered bathroom.
‘Bathroom, ja?’ she says, her voice businesslike.
I follow her back to the lounge.
‘There’s no phone. We did once try, but with calls to Croatia and Estonia, it’s difficult to manage the bill. There is Wi-Fi limitlessly though, so you can be in touch with all your people at home. The code is on a piece of paper, stuck to the side of that cupboard, ja.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, my lip trembling.
‘You are from a big family, ja?’
‘No. It’s just me and my older sister. Our parents died some years ago in a car accident.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Dania says, ticking her tongue against the back of her teeth again and giving me that look everyone gets when you tell them you’re an orphan. Pity mixed with discomfort. People don’t know what to say. Which is fine by me; there’s nothing you can say.
‘What about a boyfriend?’ Dania asks, reaching for my hand and pulling it towards her to examine the naked ring finger. ‘Or children?’ Clearly this woman has no personal boundaries.
‘I have a fiancé,’ I say. ‘His name’s Lucas. He’s a teacher.’ Like me, I almost say, but stop myself just in time.
‘How does he feel about you being here?’
‘He’s … ummm … He’s supportive and excited.’
‘This is unusual but good. And you have left Africa by yourself before, kära?’ she asks.
‘Not since we came back to South Africa from exile, when I was a little girl,’ I say.
‘You will get used to it. I should know. David and I have been in showbiz for over thirty years, ja. Travelling, performing everywhere. Who would you say we look like?’ she says, brightening and landing both hands on her hips in a theatrical pose.
‘I don’t know …’
‘Guess,’ she says, sticking her neck out towards me so I can examine her features more closely.
‘Really, I have no idea. Sorry.’
‘Go on, just one guesses. I give you a hint; David and I have the most successful double act in Sweden for over twenty years. Who do you say I look like?’
‘Joan Rivers?’ I offer, realising too late that this might not be very complimentary.
Dania grimaces.
‘Sorry. It’s been a long day, the flight and everything … I haven’t slept much,’ I stutter.
She recovers quickly. ‘You make a joke. Here, I give you another hint …’ she says. She starts gyrating her hips and breaks into song – something completely unrecognisable.
‘It’s on the tip of my tongue,’ I say. I haven’t got a clue, but anything to make her stop.
‘I tell you,’ she says, clapping her hands together, ‘but you’ll kick your back … is Sonny and Cher! Ja?’
‘Wow, now that you tell me of course you are, I can really see the likeness,’ I lie again.
‘I suppose it’s hard to tell without the wig.’
‘Exactly, and the outfits,’ I say. ‘Plus, I’m really tired. Any other day I would have gotten it just like that.’ I click my fingers.
‘In 1982 we are coming number eight in the Eurovision Song Contest,’ Dania says. ‘Anyway … that was then.’ She waves her hand in front of her face. ‘We retired from the biz in 1999. Then we come over here and buy the club with all our savings and prize-winnings money and so Legends was born. It is the first club like this in the whole wide world. The rest is history. David Junior was still cute baby boy then. Now he’s not so baby, but still cute-cute, my boy.’
Dania retreats into a daydream with a half-smile on her face. When I clear my throat, she starts. ‘Come, I take you now to show your room, ja? I grab my suitcase and we return to the landing. The stairwell lights click on with another clunk and we continue up the remainder of the steep, narrow staircase. I drag the stupid, heavy case behind me again. What the hell did Natalie pack in here, bricks? I’m amazed I have any body fluid left to sweat out.
Dania unlocks the door and we spill into a narrow corridor before the light times out again. The suitcase wheels whir along the wooden floor as I follow Dania down a narrow passageway punctuated with closed doors. Dania unlocks the very last door and pushes it open for me, but doesn’t go inside. Instead she holds out a clog keyring with the words ‘I heart Amsterdam’ and four keys attached to it.
‘This is for the door on the street, ja? This is the front door key, and this is the second floor key, and this is your bedroom key. Don’t lose. And also, don’t write the address on it, because if you do lose we have to change all the locks in the house. Which is a katastrof and will be for you to pay. But do write the address down somewhere, in case of getting lost. Everyone gets lost in the beginning. There are only two bathrooms in the house. The one we look at downstairs and another one through that door. There are more showers and locker space at the club, ja? So you can use also those.’
‘Thank you.’ I stare at the keys in my palm, thoughts racing. If anyone had told me three days ago that today I’d be moving into a house in Amsterdam with I don’t even know how many other women from who knows where – I’ve lost track of how many bedroom doors we passed – I’d have said they were smoking their socks.
‘Get comfortable, get ready and I come back in two and a half hours to take you to the club. You perform a bit after eight, ja?’
‘Wait … I …’ I scramble to think of a way to get out of performing so soon. Sudden flu? Ebola? What are Ebola symptoms? A cough? That’s too easy. Throw myself down the steep narrow stairs and pray I break something?
‘I almost forget, house rules …’ Dania cuts into my thoughts of stepping in front of a speeding bicycle. ‘No smoking in the house, not even out a window. If you must smoke you can go out on the street, but is very bad for wrinkles, ja?’ she says, stroking her cheek with the back of her palm. ‘And no drugs of course, but number one – no men allowed in the house.’
I nod numbly.
‘I mean it,’ Dania says sharply, her demeanour instantly hard. ‘No men allowed, not one, not by a mistake, not for one minute or thirty seconds, not if he is your brother or your uncle or your great cousin, or long-lost twin, or waxer, even if he is gay. And not for any other reason you can come up with. I have heard them all a hundred times, I can promise. One strike is out, no questions, no answers. It is rule number one, two, three and four here, ja?’ It’s obviously a speech she’s given a million times before.
‘Of course, absolutely,’ I say. There’s no way I’m bringing anyone up here. Who would there be to bring? And anyway, they’d never handle these stairs. I just want to focus on staying out of trouble, not getting caught, and seeing out my time here without any speed bumps. And then I’ll take the money home for Natalie.
Satisfied she’s made her point, Dania softens. ‘I must go, ja? David will be waiting for me.’
‘About tonight …’ I say.
‘Ja?’ she says.
What’s there to say? I’m here to perform: that’s my job. I can’t tell her I’m not prepared, that I’m not who she thinks I am, especially after making it this far. This has to work. ‘Nothing,’ I say quietly. ‘See you later.’
Dania’s skirt swirls around her in the passage as she turns to leave.
*
The bedroom has a university-dorm-room vibe. Although it’s almost too small to have a vibe at all, with just enough room for two single beds as long as there’s no cat swinging going on. I gnaw on the edge of my thumb; I’m clearly sharing with someone – one of the beds is unmade and there are clothes strewn everywhere. It looks like a bomb hit it, followed by a tsunami and then a hurricane.
I assume that the made-up bed is mine, and heft the suitcase onto it, then extract a lacy pink bra from my pillow and examine it closely. Whoever I’m sharing with has clearly never met a hanger or a drawer before, and has ginormous boobs. I lay the bra down gently on the unmade bed on top of a flotsam of clothes and a jetsam of underwear. I take a deep breath: this is going to be an adjustment. Not only sharing the house, but sharing a room too. It’s a double whammy I could do without. I could kill Natalie, give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and then kill her all over again.
I tentatively open the closet. It’s stuffed to overflowing with dozens of dresses. No wonder there’s so much clothing on the floor and bed. I open the top drawer in the bureau next to the closet. It’s packed with underwear. I run my fingertips over a pair of white lace panties, and try to picture the person who belongs to them. Then I hear footsteps and voices somewhere in the house. It would make a really bad first impression to be caught fiddling with my new roommate’s knickers if anyone came in here now, so I shove the drawer and cupboard closed and dart back to the suitcase.
There’s no room to unpack anything, but I need to figure out what I’m going to wear for my first performance tonight. At some point I’m going to have to move past denial and realise that this thing is happening.
I pull out the first dress I find, folded on the top layer of the suitcase, and try to shake out its creases. It’s a short white dress, low-cut in the back. Next to it lies a pair of six-inch white platform heels. I pull them out, but they weigh a ton, and I don’t want to break my neck on my first night, so I set them aside. I fish a little further down, feeling for the simple black wedges I shoved down the side of the suitcase a day ago. Those will have to do for now. Sorry, Rihanna.
*
> Lucas, I’m here, I made it. I’m in Amsterdam, I’m alive!
> Oh thank goodness, babes, I’ve been worried sick.
> Sorry, only just got to the house and got connected to the wi-fi here.
> How was ur flight?
> Long but fine. Only two crying babies.
> Brave girl! What’s it like there?
> Seems nice. Bit cold. Beautiful. Headmistress from the school was waiting for me at airport. Her name’s Dania. I think she’s Swedish.
> And the place where ur staying? Send pics.
I look around the tsunami room. No way can I send him pics of this; he’d have a billion questions, and I don’t have any answers yet.
> It’s a pretty regular apartment in the city. I’ll send pics as soon as I’m settled. There are a bunch of other trainee teachers in the programme also staying here.
> Men and women?
> Don’t know, they’re all at school still, haven’t met anyone yet.
> Miss u like crazy already wife to be. XXX
> Me too husband to be. I love you! I’d better go unpack. XXX
> Message me later, ok? Want to hear everything. Love u too too much. XXXXX and don’t forget to send pics.
*
> Hi Nat
> Hi, where u Gracie?
> I made it. I’m in Amsterdam at the apartment.
> So customs & immigration ok? No questions about my passport?
> Nope, no problems, can you believe it? They just let me through. Such a relief.
> Yes! Knew ud b fine. Jealous!!!! U xited?
> No, I’m terrified. I have to perform in a few hours. Don't think I can do this.
> Course u can, member we discussed this! Its just like doin karaoke
> You know I hate karaoke! And all your dresses are too small for me!
> Shit! Was worried about that. Wat u wearing??
> The white one like the one she wore for the X Factor final. But it’s super-tight. What if I don’t look like her out there?
> Grace pls!! Grow up! U look more like Rihanna than me, everyone always says so
> I’m too short and fat to be her.
> Will b fine fake it till u make it
> How do you walk in these heels, let alone dance in them? I’m freaking out!
> it’s easy u just need practice. u know I wldnt ask u to do this if it wasn’t rly important
> I know. And I know how much you’ve sacrificed since mom and dad died. But I’m sure everyone here will see through me after five seconds.
> U can’t b such a wimp Gracie. Channel her, like we used 2. U can do this!
> I’m really nervous.
> Ur in Amsterdam, smoke a spliff to ease ur nerves
> You know I don’t smoke.
> Always such a goodie-goodie. How do we cum from same genes? u can eat it 2 u know
> What does it do when you eat it?
> It’s amazeballs! Not hectic but it will make you totally chill! Perfect 2 kick nerves before u perform
> Really?
> Wld I lie 2 u? Gr8 2 take edge off. Have half a brownie, ull barely feel it, will just make u relax
> No ways! I’m freaking out. I haven’t danced in years.
> eat the dope cookie ull be 100% – just bendier for dancing. Go on wimpface, do it!
> You know I don’t do drugs, Natalie!
> Well I wld totes do it if I was there. Dunno y u being such a baby
> Fingers crossed I don’t fall on my face.
> Ull be fine. Break a leg babe
> I think one broken leg in the family is enough! That’s what got us into this mess in the first place!
> <3 u. Go make lots of $ and try have sum fun for once in ur life!!! Ur far 2 serious
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Paige Nick
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Современная зарубежная литература
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 16.04.2024
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О книге: Hilarious, sassy, fresh and at times completely outrageous, this is an utterly unputdownable feel-good debut from Paige Nick.Grace Hendriks has led a pretty sheltered life. So when her sister Natalie begs Grace to take her place as a Rihanna impersonator at a seedy club in Amsterdam, she has no idea what she’s letting herself in for . . . until she ends up onstage with only a pole for support and her lacy knickers in a knot!Thrown into strip-club life, and forced to share an apartment with an exotic troupe of impersonating divas with Lady Gaga-sized egos, Grace has to learn some hard lessons fast. One: living with Marilyn Monroe and Madonna isn’t easy. And two: transformations don’t happen overnight – especially when your bra is determined to sabotage your dance routine.