Don’t Tell Mummy: A True Story of the Ultimate Betrayal
Don’t Tell Mummy: A True Story of the Ultimate Betrayal
Toni Maguire
This heart-wrenching memoir from Toni Maguire tells the deeply moving story of an idyllic childhood that masked a terrible truth. Underneath her mother's gentility and her father's roguish charm lay horrifying secrets, which eventually led to their only child's near destruction.The first time her father made an improper advance on Toni, she was six years old. Her father warned her not to tell her mother, or anyone else, because they would blame her and wouldn't love her any more. It had to remain ‘our secret.’When she finally built up the courage to tell her mother what had happened, she was told never to speak of the matter again. With no one to turn to, isolated and alone in rural Ireland, the abuse continued unhindered.At fourteen Toni fell pregnant by her father, and when her state was discovered she was made to have a late abortion which almost killed her. The truth of her childhood could no longer be kept hidden but, just as her father predicted, Toni found herself judged and rejected by her family, teachers and friends. The blame and anger she was treated with only worsened when her father was sent to prison as a result of his actions. This is the compelling story of her struggle to put the ghost of her childhood to rest, and emerge ultimately triumphant.
Toni Maguire
Don’t Tell Mummy
A true story of the ultimate betrayal
To Caroline
… who opened the door and encouraged me to walk through
Don’t Tell Mummy
Contents
Title Page (#u2d78b9f3-d4b2-5cd8-83df-e55f58504f54)Dedication (#u56c42db3-8208-5b5c-9614-b8ca86f7452a)Chapter One (#u0b7bed7d-7fd7-5d43-a178-5a455b89c054)Chapter Two (#ucb6ff08c-173e-5bb7-87a2-cc08f833666e)Chapter Three (#u6a33bfa6-a38e-5ec0-b348-6a339cf504c5)Chapter Four (#u2802e91b-9f9a-5c9c-b5db-0598314f64e3)Chapter Five (#u6deef830-2991-5c38-8d63-d981eba5c909)Chapter Six (#u849fe0c2-f2e1-5c3f-b843-73d6c2d817c5)Chapter Seven (#u271a56b1-98d9-533c-a170-95c9f09b3dae)Chapter Eight (#u2b1cda28-b033-51b1-92dc-2f54f1351012)Chapter Nine (#ub212b6a8-66aa-595d-a336-f4a63532e44d)Chapter Ten (#u1cac1148-d08e-52aa-8f20-d539b31b46aa)Chapter Eleven (#u33917500-c4c0-55c2-92c2-2740478dd077)Chapter Twelve (#uef9e10aa-f9a1-5922-a412-0559bd5f9d5d)Chapter Thirteen (#udb9a2467-a195-5c6e-a1b1-178036e8e700)Chapter Fourteen (#ud5d2498f-e3ad-54ba-b0d2-02691cd8c690)Chapter Fifteen (#u0d982f13-e658-519c-8183-184768062227)Chapter Sixteen (#u4fd8cd49-0c8d-541c-8329-2154d3fae25c)Chapter Seventeen (#u9960ab8f-9e89-591e-92f9-f4bcfcfd59f6)Chapter Eighteen (#ue72f72d4-2d1a-504f-adac-f568479ee129)Chapter Nineteen (#ua4cb5968-75e1-550d-8dc0-1a224f600a35)Chapter Twenty (#uf606cf49-73c2-5d11-b40a-9d55ca593498)Chapter Twenty-One (#u7fd4e6a1-fcb5-5378-bd55-8852c915f285)Chapter Twenty-Two (#u73113fe6-e0ed-552a-badf-ac673559d34b)Chapter Twenty-Three (#u308cdf3b-ac8b-5939-8179-fb0f97019f6e)Chapter Twenty-Four (#u91989cee-7101-5b18-9c00-3846cd873366)Chapter Twenty-Five (#u47531bc5-13e2-5822-955c-0af571b1218a)Chapter Twenty-Six (#u5f62f04d-225c-5985-a6b5-4057496b59f1)Chapter Twenty-Seven (#u74dc1803-fe89-516c-bdb0-5d7a193d8d1d)Chapter Twenty-Eight (#ub6267cb2-d2ac-5c71-96ba-b1192d7a28ee)Chapter Twenty-Nine (#ue4f250c4-3a89-5408-88ba-fae674c61fa7)Chapter Thirty (#u6e390a2a-db83-57af-98e8-9940c449c485)Epilogue (#u81df77cc-3336-5428-ac3c-b3d5cfd6643c)Acknowledgements (#u98661f4f-70c5-56cd-b4ad-fb064f71663e)Copyright (#u8b16858f-0c24-59db-b721-1ddf37a4bcc4)About the Publisher (#ufb47dccc-8cff-50f6-8344-32cf28c52d4a)
Chapter One (#u40ae3871-a12e-5e42-b741-2e921f0cd6b3)
Nothing about the house in the quiet suburb of Belfast made it stand out. The imposing red-brick building stood back from the road surrounded by landscaped gardens. It looked like any other large family home. The number on the gate confirmed I was at the right address as I scanned the piece of paper in my hand for final reassurance.
Not being able to delay any longer, I picked up my suitcase, which the taxi driver had deposited on the pavement, walked down the path and pushed open the door.
‘I’m Toni Maguire,’ I announced to the casually dressed woman behind the reception desk. ‘Ruth Maguire’s daughter.’
She looked at me curiously.
‘Yes. Your mother told us this morning you were coming. We never knew she had a daughter.’
No, I thought, I don’t suppose you did.
‘Come, I’ll take you to her. She’s waiting for you.’
She walked briskly down the corridor to the pretty four-bedded ward where my mother was. I followed in her wake, hiding my emotions.
Four old ladies reclined in chairs placed in front of their bedside lockers. Three of the lockers were covered in photographs of loved ones whilst the fourth, my mother’s, was bare. I felt a familiar stab of pain. Not even one of my baby photos was on display.
She sat in her chair, a blanket over her knees and her legs on the raised footrest. This was not the robust woman who on my last visit to Ireland over a year ago had still looked a decade younger than her birth certificate stated. That woman had been replaced by this shrunken, frail old lady, who looked terminally ill.
The dark green eyes that had so often flashed with anger now welled with tears as she held her arms out to me. Dropping my bags to the floor I went into them. For the first time in many years my mother and I embraced, and my love that had lain dormant resurfaced.
‘You’ve come, Toni,’ she murmured.
‘I would always have come if you’d asked me,’ I replied softly, shocked by the fleshless shoulders I felt through her dressing gown.
A nurse bustled in and tucked the blanket more firmly around my mother’s legs. Turning to me she enquired politely about my journey from London.
‘Not bad,’ I said. ‘Only three hours door to door.’
Gratefully, I took a cup of tea from her, staring intently into the cup as I composed myself, not wanting my face to betray the shock that my mother’s fragility had given me. She had, I knew, been admitted to the hospice before to monitor her pain control, but I knew this visit would be the last.
Having been informed of my arrival, my mother’s doctor came to see me. He was a cheerful, pleasant-looking young man, with a broad smile.
‘Ruth,’ he asked, ‘are you happy now that your daughter has come to see you?’
‘Very happy,’ she replied in her usual lady-like tones, so expressionless she might have been commenting on the weather.
When he turned to me, I saw the same curious expression that had flitted through the receptionist’s eyes.
‘May I call you Toni?’ he asked. ‘It’s what your mother called you.’
‘Of course.’
‘I’d like a couple of words with you when you’ve finished your tea. Just come down to my room. The nurse will show you where it is.’
After one more reassuring smile to my mother, he left.
Taking a few minutes to postpone what I felt would be a difficult meeting, I sipped my tea slowly before reluctantly going to see what he wanted.
Entering his room I was surprised to find another man sitting beside him, dressed in casual clothes, only his dog collar identifying his calling. I sat down on the only available chair, looked at the doctor with what I hoped was a bland expression and waited for him to start the conversation. As he gently began to explain the situation my heart sunk. I realized that some answers would be required from me; answers I was reluctant to give, for giving them would mean opening up those memory boxes where the ghost of my childhood lived.
‘We have some problems with your mother’s treatment and we hoped that maybe you could shed some light on them. The pain-control medication is not working as well as it should. And, to be frank, she’s on the maximum dosage we can prescribe.’
He paused to gauge my reaction. Receiving none he continued. ‘In the daytime she responds well to the staff, lets them take her to the coffee lounge, shows an interest in her appearance, and she has a good appetite. It’s the night-time that’s the problem.’
Again he paused and still I kept what I knew was a neutral expression on my face, not yet ready to give anything away. After a few seconds he continued, with slightly less confidence.
‘Your mother has very disturbed nights. She wakes extremely distressed and in more pain than she should be. It’s almost as though she’s fighting against her medication.’
Oh, the witching hours, I thought. I knew those hours so well, where control over thoughts disappears to let the blackest memories surface, jolting us wide awake to feel despair, anger, fear or even guilt. In my case I could get out of bed, make a cup of tea, read or listen to music. But what could my mother do now to allay those dark thoughts?
‘Twice she’s asked the nurse to call the minister out. But,’ he turned to the man beside him, ‘my friend tells me that by the time he arrives she’s changed her mind about her need to talk to him.’
The minister nodded to confirm this, and I felt the impact of two pairs of eyes searching my face for answers; this time it was the minister who broke the silence, leaning across the desk and putting the next question.
‘Toni, is there anything you can tell us to help us help your mother?’
I saw the genuine concern in his face and chose my words carefully.
‘I think I understand why my mother’s nights might be disturbed. She believes in God. She knows she has a very short time before she meets Him, and I think she is very frightened of dying. I want to help but there is little I can do. I hope for her sake she can find the strength to talk to you.’
The doctor looked puzzled. ‘You mean your mother has something on her conscience?’
I thought of just how much my mother had in her past to feel guilty about, wondering if her memories haunted her. I fought not to let my thoughts show, but felt a sigh escape me as I replied.
‘She must have. She should have. But whether she’d ever admit she’s done anything wrong I don’t know. She never has.’
The doctor looked troubled. ‘Well, it’s certainly affecting the pain control. When the mind is as restless as your mother’s seems to be, the medication simply does not work to its full effect.’
‘In that case you will just have to monitor it and my mother more closely,’ I said, more abruptly than I should as a feeling of helplessness rose in me. With that I returned to my mother’s ward.
On entering her eyes held mine.
‘What did the doctor want?’ she asked.
Knowing that she knew, I looked at her squarely in the face.
‘They told me you had called the minister out twice in the middle of the night and that you were very distressed.’ Then my courage failed me as it always did. ‘But we don’t need to worry about it now do we?’
The childhood habit of pandering to her wishes of ‘no discussion’ remained unbroken.
The rest of that first morning she was very tearful. I knew it was common with terminally ill patients, but it still moved me unbearably. Tenderly, I wiped away her tears, remembering days when as a small child she’d done the same for me. She was more affectionate than she had been for many years: she wanted to hold my hand, she wanted to talk and she wanted to remember happier times. I looked at her now, an old lady whose limited days were unlikely to end as peacefully as I wanted, and realized how badly she needed me.
‘How long are you going to stay?’ she asked.
‘For as long as you need me,’ I replied lightly, trying to cover up what I really meant.
My mother, who could always read me, smiled. With a jolt I was reminded of her much younger self and the times when we’d been so close. I felt the surge of my old love.
‘I don’t know how long that will be,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘But I don’t think it will be very long.’
She paused, looked at me and asked: ‘You’ve only come, haven’t you, because you know I’m dying?’
I squeezed her hand, and rubbed the back of it gently with my thumb. ‘I’ve come because you asked me to. I would always have come if you’d asked. And yes, I have come to help you die in peace, because I believe I’m the one person who can do that.’
I hoped she would find the willpower to talk honestly, and for a short time that first day I believed she would.
Pulling on my hand she said: ‘You know, Toni, the days you were a small baby were the happiest times of my life. I remember it as though it was yesterday. When you were born I sat in that hospital bed feeling so proud that at the age of twenty-nine I had produced you. You were such a small, perfect little person. I felt such love for you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to look after and protect you. I wanted a good life for you. I felt such tenderness and love, that’s what I felt then.’
A lump rose in my throat as I remembered many years ago when I had been encircled by her love. Then she was a mother who cuddled and played with me, read stories and tucked me into bed; a mother whose scent I breathed in as she bent down to give me my good-night kiss.
A child’s voice infiltrated my memory until the sounds became words whispered in my ear.
‘Where did that love disappear to, Toni? Today is your birthday. She says she remembers when you were born. She says how she loved you then, yet fourteen years later she tried to send you to your death. Does she not remember that? Does she not think you do? Has she really blocked it out of her mind? Have you?’
I closed my ears to the voice and willed it to be silent. I wanted to leave my memories in the boxes where they’d been stored for thirty years, never looked at and never thought of except when the witching hours allowed them to escape, when they would hitch a lift on the end of a fading dream. Their ice-cold tentacles would then stroke my subconscious, leaving dim pictures from another time until I awoke to banish them.
Later that day I took her out in her wheelchair around the grounds. She’d always loved creating beautiful gardens; it was as though all her nurturing instincts, which had ceased towards me long ago, went into them.
She asked me to stop at various plants and bushes as she told me their names. Sadly she murmured, more to herself than to me, ‘I’ll never see my garden again.’
I remembered visiting her at the onset of her illness. I’d gone to Northern Ireland with a friend. Taking advantage of the fact that my father was away for the day, playing golf, I had visited my mother. She had proudly shown me photographs of how her garden had looked before she’d started work, a desolate area with clumps of coarse grass and not even a wild flower to enhance it.
As she walked me around she showed me something that instantly brought a smile to my face. On Mother’s Days and birthdays I’d sent her baskets of tiny plants. She showed me how, mixed with others grown from cuttings, she’d replanted them into her eclectic collection of containers, ranging from chimneys and old kitchen sinks to terracotta pots and a drinking trough, creating an explosion of colour around the patio she had designed.
She’d named all the shrubs for me that day too.
‘This is my favourite, it’s called Buddleia,’ she informed me. ‘But I like its nickname better, “the butterfly bush”.’
As if to give credence to its more popular name a cloud of butterflies hovered over the deep purple shrub, their wings shimmering in the afternoon sunlight. Another area gave off a heady aroma of roses, their petals shading from clotted-cream perfection to a dark rich pink. Another area contained her beloved lilies. In another wild flowers blended with the cultivated ones.
‘If they look pretty they’re not weeds,’ she laughed.
There were pebbled walkways, with arches made of wire, where jasmine and honeysuckle had been lovingly trained to grow and add their perfumes to the air. At the base of one nestled a collection of gnomes.
‘My little bit of nonsense,’ she called them.
She looked so happy and serene that day that it became a memory I stored in my mental photograph album. One I could take out at will and enjoy.
The next day I drove to a garden centre, bought her a small summer house to protect her from the elements and had it delivered.
‘So that whatever the weather you can always enjoy your garden,’ I told her, knowing she wouldn’t have more than one more summer to enjoy it.
She had created an English country garden in Northern Ireland, a country she had never taken as her own, always feeling herself a stranger there.
I took that memory out then and felt such sorrow for her, my lonely mother who had created her life out of imagination then turned it into her reality.
There was a side of me that was enjoying being with her in the hospice, despite her frailty. Finally I was able to spend some time alone with her, time I knew was disappearing minute by minute.
That evening I helped put her to bed, brushed her hair back from her brow and kissed her forehead.
‘I’ll be sleeping in the chair beside your bed,’ I told her. ‘I’ll never be very far away.’
After the nurse had given out sleeping pills, I sat holding her hand, which had grown small and fragile. The skin, streaked with blue veins, seemed almost translucent. Someone had given her a manicure, shaping and polishing the nails into ovals and colouring them a pale pink, unlike the soil-stained ones I remembered from my last visit.
Once she’d fallen asleep I took one of my Mavis Cheek novels and went to the lounge. I felt an overwhelming sorrow that the mother I’d once loved so much was dying; sorrow that for all the harm, for all the things she’d done, she’d never been happy. I grieved for the relationship with her I’d always wanted but which, apart from my very early childhood, I had been denied.
The book remained unread that night as control over my memories deserted me. My mind strayed back to those early days I spent with her, days when I’d felt cherished, protected and loved, days that in my memory were always sunny – until the blackness came.
Antoinette, the child, came to me in that space that twilight creates, when dreams have deserted us but consciousness still slumbers. Dressed in shades of grey, her ivory-white face gleamed up at me from under her ebony fringe.
‘Toni,’ she whispered, ‘why did you never allow me to grow up?’
‘Leave me in peace,’ I silently cried, summoning all my mental energy to push her away.
My eyes opened and now only dust motes danced in the air, but when I placed my hands on my face they came away damp from a child’s tears on adult cheeks.
‘Toni,’ she whispered, ‘let me tell you the story of what really happened. It’s time now.’
I knew that Antoinette was awake now and I would not be able to force her to resume the years of slumber that once I had banished her to. Closing my eyes I allowed her whisper to filter into my mind as she started our story.
Chapter Two (#u40ae3871-a12e-5e42-b741-2e921f0cd6b3)
My first memories were of my mother and me living in a house with a garden in Kent, where my diminutive grandmother was a frequent and welcome visitor. Upon hearing her voice calling ‘Antoinette, where are you?’ as she pretended to search for me, I would stop whatever I was doing, rush to greet her and to be hugged in return
She had a fragrance particular to her, a mixture of face powder and lily of the valley, a scent that in the future always evoked memories of her. I would feel a glow of love between us as I breathed in that aroma.
On sunny days she would suggest leisurely walks towards the main street of Tenterdon, where we would make our way to one of the oak-beamed tearooms. My play clothes would have been exchanged for a clean dress, my face and hands wiped and my hair brushed before I was considered presentable enough for such outings.
Once she had placed high heels on her feet and picked up a matching handbag, my mother would apply bright red lipstick, fluff powder on her nose and the three of us would set off.
A black-and-white-uniformed waitress would show us to our table, where my grandmother would proceed to order afternoon tea. Scones with jam and cream, followed by individual pink and yellow iced cakes, were washed down by diluted squash for me, tea for the two adults.
My mother, wearing a square-necked dress, her head bare, would chatter companionably to my grandmother, who, always, regardless of the weather, hid her still red-gold hair under a hat. Ladies of a similar age, dressed in printed dresses topped by straw boaters or pillboxes, would greet her with smiles, remark how much I was growing and comment on the weather, a subject which, to my child’s ears, grown-ups always showed an inordinate interest in.
Another special outing was when we visited Mrs Trivett, an old school friend of my grandmother’s who, to my delight, made homemade sweets in her tiny black and white cottage. Her postage-stamp-sized garden was filled with deep raspberry pink hydrangeas, whose big lacy heads hung over the low brick wall and nodded in the breeze. To my fascination two plump gnomes sat underneath one bush, fishing rods in their hands. Perhaps it was Mrs Trivett who sowed the seeds of my mother’s affection for these garden ornaments in later life.
My grandmother would knock the freshly polished knocker against the black door and Mrs Trivett, wrapped in a voluminous apron, would open it, releasing the warm scent from the bubbling concoction, which later would become the sweets I loved.
Taking me into her kitchen she would show me how they were made. Fat strips of the sugary-smelling black and white mixture were placed over a hook by the door, then squeezed and pulled until they trebled in length. Only when their length had increased to Mrs Trivett’s satisfaction were they taken down, some to be cut into small squares, others into larger pieces which were rolled into humbugs.
Engrossed, I would watch, my cheeks bulging with some of her samples, as I rolled the one she had told me I could ‘test’ around my tongue. When the last drop of the sugary syrup had slid down my throat I would play the same game we played every time.
‘Mrs Trivett, what are little girls made of?’
I never grew tired of her reply.
‘Why Antoinette, how many times do I have to tell you? Sugar and spice, of course, and all things nice!’
I would giggle happily and she would reward me with another sweet.
On other days my mother showed me the games she’d enjoyed playing as a child; the sort of games passed down through the decades, from generation to generation. We dressed dolls and made mud pies with a small bucket and spade. But my favourite one involved using a tea set my grandmother had given me to give pretend tea parties. First I would arrange the tiny cups and saucers on a cloth, beside them the teapot and miniature milk jug. Then the matching plates would be laid in a neat row. When the cloth table was ready to my satisfaction small pebbles or flowers would take the place of sandwiches and cakes, which would then be offered to my adult playmates or my collection of dolls. Imaginary tea would be poured and passed round and dolls’ faces wiped clean of invisible crumbs.
Not only did my mother have unlimited time to show me childhood games, she used to love dressing me in pretty clothes, many of which she made herself, taking hours over the hand-stitched smocking which went across the bodice as was the fashion then.
She had a professional photograph taken of me in one of them when I was three, wearing a gingham dress edged in white with one plump leg crossed over the other, smiling confidently into the camera. I looked the loved child I knew I was.
My mother entered me for a ‘Miss Pears’ competition and to her joy I was one of the runners-up. A small, framed photograph took pride of place on the mantelshelf.
But those happy days, when we were a family of two, were numbered. For years I dreamed of them returning, but over ten years later, when they finally did, they brought no happiness.
My father stayed in the army for several years after the war and only visited us sporadically, stirring the house into an uproar for the short time he was there. To me he seemed more like an important visitor than a parent. Days before his arrival there would be a flurry of housework, cushions would be shaken, furniture polished and floors mopped. A warm smell of baking would fill the house as his favourite biscuits and cakes were made, then, on the long-awaited day, my mother would dress me in my best outfit while her prettiest was donned. Constantly gazing impatiently out of the window, we would wait for the gate to open and a loud greeting to be called, upon which my mother would rush to the door and into his outstretched arms.
My impression was of a big handsome man who made my mother laugh with happiness while a pink glow suffused her face. Presents such as silk stockings for her and chocolate for me always accompanied his arrival. My mother would unwrap hers patiently, meticulously folding the paper for future use, whilst I ripped mine open with squeals of delight. He, the benevolent visitor, would sit in the most comfortable chair and smile at our pleasure.
For my fourth birthday a bulky parcel had been torn open to reveal a large, red, stuffed felt elephant. Picking her up I thought she was more beautiful than any doll. I christened her Jumbo and for several months refused to be parted from her. Holding Jumbo by the trunk I trailed her around the house, insisting she shared my bed and taking her with me on visits.
A few months after that birthday my father announced that the idea of civilian life appealed to him. He wanted, he said, to spend more time with his wife and daughter. When my mother heard those words her face lit up and for the next few weeks I could sense her exhilaration as she waited for him to return, this time to stay.
I knew the day he was expected from the smells of baking and frantic housework, but it was another three days before he finally arrived. This time there were no presents after the shouted greeting and within hours the carefree atmosphere in our home changed for ever. The build-up of tension had begun.
After I was put to bed clutching my much-loved elephant, the first row I’d heard between my parents penetrated my sleep. I felt unsettled. Up to then I’d hardly heard a voice raised in anger. I hugged Jumbo a little tighter, hoping they would stop, and eventually fell uneasily back to sleep.
A long time later my mother told me it was because of my father’s drinking and gambling. I knew nothing of the causes; I just knew the result made me uncomfortable. Upon leaving the army with his severance pay he had not returned home until every penny of it had been lost on a poker table and my mother’s hopes of buying a house that she could turn into a home for us were dashed. It was clear to me, as she talked in one of the rare intimate moments we had, that it was only the first of many disappointments to come.
My mother realized that with a growing child and no lump sum to fall back on, if she was ever going to achieve her ambition of owning her home, she would have to work. But it wasn’t going to be easy. Not only was there no equal pay for women in the decade after the war, there was very little work. Victorious servicemen who had remained in the army to help rebuild a devastated Germany had returned to face massive unemployment, substandard accommodation and rationing. With a grim determination that was an integral part of her character, my mother was never going to admit defeat and eventually her persistence was rewarded. She found employment at a garage several miles away as a night-shift cashier, where a small, dark, rent-free family flat made up part of her wages.
My father also found obtaining work difficult. Although he was a trained mechanic the only position he could find was in a factory, also on night shifts. With no alternative on offer he took it.
Our lives then settled into a different pattern, with him returning home each morning grumbling about tiredness and going straight to bed, whilst my mother, who had a home to run and a small child to look after, snatched sleep whenever she could.
Although my grandmother sometimes arranged to collect me for an outing, she seldom visited us and the days of spending time with my mother alone also came to an end. I would wake up in the little flat, clutch Jumbo for support and go in search of her. Finding the flat empty I would wander down to the garage in my nightclothes, still half asleep, seeking her company. In those early days she never got angry with me, just picked my still sleepy body up, laughed, took me upstairs and tucked me back into bed.
A few months before my fifth birthday we moved again, this time to a small terraced house with a garden. My father had just received a promotion that meant permanent work with more pay and better hours. Night work was tiring for my mother, and now for the first time since her husband’s return she felt she could become a full-time housewife.
The night before my birthday I lay awake, wondering what present I would be given. All through the previous week I’d nagged my mother to tell me. Immune to my pleas she laughed and told me I would have to curb my curiosity and wait until the day to find out.
Waking early I rushed downstairs, remembering the arrival of Jumbo a year before, and scanned the sitting room. I couldn’t see anything. Seeing the look of disappointment on my face, my mother told me we were going to visit someone, and I would be given my present there.
As soon as I had excitedly gulped my breakfast down I was buttoned into my coat and I skipped along, holding my mother’s hand as we made our way to the bus stop. A red double-decker bus took us several miles to the next village. Alighting, we walked a short distance to a house I’d never seen before. I was puzzled. I had no idea what my present could possibly be. Presents, I knew, were bought in shops.
On my mother’s knock I heard the shrill barking of several dogs. My excitement mounted. Jumbo, though still much loved, was beginning to lose her attraction for me. What I now wanted more than anything was a puppy of my own. Was this, I wondered, the day my wish was to be granted?
A small, plump, grey-haired woman opened the door. Scampering around her feet were several black-and-tan wirehaired terriers, wagging their tails as they jumped up to welcome us. Trying to quieten their boisterous greeting, she ushered us quickly into a large kitchen. My excitement grew when I saw in front of the stove a basket filled with several sleeping puppies. Just outside it a fluffy little creature, with the black-and-tan markings of the adult dogs and bright mischievous eyes, stumbled around on legs still shaky, sniffing the air with her black button of a nose.
Before my mother had time to ask the lady to show me the others, I’d rushed to the adventurous one and knelt down. I knew instantly she wanted me as her owner. Picking her up, breathing in that warm puppy smell, feeling small quick licks from her rough pink tongue on my face as she wriggled in my arms, the bond was formed; she became the greatest friend of my childhood.
‘Is that the one you like the most?’ my mother asked.
My radiant face was all the answer she needed.
‘Then she’s yours. She’s your birthday present.’
I gasped with pure pleasure as I realized my greatest wish had just been granted. I kissed the little dog on top of her fluffy black and tan head, and with that display of five-year-old maternal love I showed her she was mine.
‘What are you going to call her?’ my mother asked.
The memory of another small, determined figure came into my head, a figure I’d seen when I’d spent a magical day at the beach earlier that year. My grandmother had taken me by train to the seaside town of Ramsgate on the Kent coast. Clutching a large ice-cream cone I’d seen a circle of laughing children sitting transfixed in the warm sun, their eyes fixed on something out of my vision. Tugging impatiently at my grandmother’s hand to pull her forward, looking in the same direction as the other children, the two figures of Punch and Judy came into view. My forgotten ice cream melted and trickled down my hand as I stood rooted to the spot, enthralled by their antics. I booed when Punch attacked Judy and cheered with the other children when Judy lambasted him back. Even when the puppeteer came round with his collection box the mystery of the two miniature figures remained unexplained and my ever-patient grandmother was subjected to a stream of questions about the fighting dolls.
‘I’m going to call her Judy,’ I replied.
That birthday was to remain the happiest memory of my childhood.
My mother had enrolled me at a small private school. Each morning she would take me and every afternoon she would be waiting at the school gates with a warm smile. I felt very grown up wearing my uniform, with my pencils, eraser and first learning books carefully placed in a canvas satchel that hung over my shoulder. Even though I liked those early days of learning, I spent most of each day with bated breath, visualizing Judy in my mind, longing for the final bell. I would hurriedly swallow the milk and sandwiches, which would be given to me after I’d changed out of my navy-blue gym tunic. Only when I’d finished both would I be allowed outside to play ball with Judy for an hour. When my mother thought enough energy had been burnt up for us both to settle down quietly she would open the kitchen door and call us in. A reading book, where new words were learnt every day, or a counting one where I was learning to tell the time, would be removed from my satchel.
I would work at the table while my mother made supper and Judy lay exhausted at my feet.
For Christmas, when she was turning from puppy to small dog, I used my saved-up pocket money to buy a smart red lead with matching collar. Now, proudly buttoned up in my warm navy winter coat, with Judy prancing beside me impervious to the cold in her natural fur, I would take her for walks, beaming with pleasure every time someone stopped to admire her. My happiness was completed when my grandmother started to visit again. No explanation had ever been given as to why she had stopped. Years later she admitted to me she had been appalled at us living above the garage, had never liked my father and had never thought him good enough for my mother. Whilst by then I more than agreed with her, it was too late to comment.
She, like me, adored Judy, who always greeted her rapturously. My grandmother would pick her up, tickle her stomach and be rewarded by licks that removed her perfumed face powder.
With my grandmother’s visits would come presents, mainly of books which, when my mother was busy, my grandmother would always find time to read to me.
When my parents informed me in February that we were going to move to Northern Ireland, where my father came from, my pleasure was only spoilt by the thought of not being able to see so much of my grandmother. Her many reassurances of numerous visits, however, made my fears disappear.
In fact, six years were to pass before I saw her again.
We sent regular letters, which hid the truth of our family life. She never forgot birthdays and Christmases, but the hoped-for letter announcing a visit never arrived. Unaware then of the many excuses my mother was making to her, my grandmother gradually faded in my life to become someone who had once loved me.
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Toni Maguire
This heart-wrenching memoir from Toni Maguire tells the deeply moving story of an idyllic childhood that masked a terrible truth. Underneath her mother's gentility and her father's roguish charm lay horrifying secrets, which eventually led to their only child's near destruction.The first time her father made an improper advance on Toni, she was six years old. Her father warned her not to tell her mother, or anyone else, because they would blame her and wouldn't love her any more. It had to remain ‘our secret.’When she finally built up the courage to tell her mother what had happened, she was told never to speak of the matter again. With no one to turn to, isolated and alone in rural Ireland, the abuse continued unhindered.At fourteen Toni fell pregnant by her father, and when her state was discovered she was made to have a late abortion which almost killed her. The truth of her childhood could no longer be kept hidden but, just as her father predicted, Toni found herself judged and rejected by her family, teachers and friends. The blame and anger she was treated with only worsened when her father was sent to prison as a result of his actions. This is the compelling story of her struggle to put the ghost of her childhood to rest, and emerge ultimately triumphant.
Toni Maguire
Don’t Tell Mummy
A true story of the ultimate betrayal
To Caroline
… who opened the door and encouraged me to walk through
Don’t Tell Mummy
Contents
Title Page (#u2d78b9f3-d4b2-5cd8-83df-e55f58504f54)Dedication (#u56c42db3-8208-5b5c-9614-b8ca86f7452a)Chapter One (#u0b7bed7d-7fd7-5d43-a178-5a455b89c054)Chapter Two (#ucb6ff08c-173e-5bb7-87a2-cc08f833666e)Chapter Three (#u6a33bfa6-a38e-5ec0-b348-6a339cf504c5)Chapter Four (#u2802e91b-9f9a-5c9c-b5db-0598314f64e3)Chapter Five (#u6deef830-2991-5c38-8d63-d981eba5c909)Chapter Six (#u849fe0c2-f2e1-5c3f-b843-73d6c2d817c5)Chapter Seven (#u271a56b1-98d9-533c-a170-95c9f09b3dae)Chapter Eight (#u2b1cda28-b033-51b1-92dc-2f54f1351012)Chapter Nine (#ub212b6a8-66aa-595d-a336-f4a63532e44d)Chapter Ten (#u1cac1148-d08e-52aa-8f20-d539b31b46aa)Chapter Eleven (#u33917500-c4c0-55c2-92c2-2740478dd077)Chapter Twelve (#uef9e10aa-f9a1-5922-a412-0559bd5f9d5d)Chapter Thirteen (#udb9a2467-a195-5c6e-a1b1-178036e8e700)Chapter Fourteen (#ud5d2498f-e3ad-54ba-b0d2-02691cd8c690)Chapter Fifteen (#u0d982f13-e658-519c-8183-184768062227)Chapter Sixteen (#u4fd8cd49-0c8d-541c-8329-2154d3fae25c)Chapter Seventeen (#u9960ab8f-9e89-591e-92f9-f4bcfcfd59f6)Chapter Eighteen (#ue72f72d4-2d1a-504f-adac-f568479ee129)Chapter Nineteen (#ua4cb5968-75e1-550d-8dc0-1a224f600a35)Chapter Twenty (#uf606cf49-73c2-5d11-b40a-9d55ca593498)Chapter Twenty-One (#u7fd4e6a1-fcb5-5378-bd55-8852c915f285)Chapter Twenty-Two (#u73113fe6-e0ed-552a-badf-ac673559d34b)Chapter Twenty-Three (#u308cdf3b-ac8b-5939-8179-fb0f97019f6e)Chapter Twenty-Four (#u91989cee-7101-5b18-9c00-3846cd873366)Chapter Twenty-Five (#u47531bc5-13e2-5822-955c-0af571b1218a)Chapter Twenty-Six (#u5f62f04d-225c-5985-a6b5-4057496b59f1)Chapter Twenty-Seven (#u74dc1803-fe89-516c-bdb0-5d7a193d8d1d)Chapter Twenty-Eight (#ub6267cb2-d2ac-5c71-96ba-b1192d7a28ee)Chapter Twenty-Nine (#ue4f250c4-3a89-5408-88ba-fae674c61fa7)Chapter Thirty (#u6e390a2a-db83-57af-98e8-9940c449c485)Epilogue (#u81df77cc-3336-5428-ac3c-b3d5cfd6643c)Acknowledgements (#u98661f4f-70c5-56cd-b4ad-fb064f71663e)Copyright (#u8b16858f-0c24-59db-b721-1ddf37a4bcc4)About the Publisher (#ufb47dccc-8cff-50f6-8344-32cf28c52d4a)
Chapter One (#u40ae3871-a12e-5e42-b741-2e921f0cd6b3)
Nothing about the house in the quiet suburb of Belfast made it stand out. The imposing red-brick building stood back from the road surrounded by landscaped gardens. It looked like any other large family home. The number on the gate confirmed I was at the right address as I scanned the piece of paper in my hand for final reassurance.
Not being able to delay any longer, I picked up my suitcase, which the taxi driver had deposited on the pavement, walked down the path and pushed open the door.
‘I’m Toni Maguire,’ I announced to the casually dressed woman behind the reception desk. ‘Ruth Maguire’s daughter.’
She looked at me curiously.
‘Yes. Your mother told us this morning you were coming. We never knew she had a daughter.’
No, I thought, I don’t suppose you did.
‘Come, I’ll take you to her. She’s waiting for you.’
She walked briskly down the corridor to the pretty four-bedded ward where my mother was. I followed in her wake, hiding my emotions.
Four old ladies reclined in chairs placed in front of their bedside lockers. Three of the lockers were covered in photographs of loved ones whilst the fourth, my mother’s, was bare. I felt a familiar stab of pain. Not even one of my baby photos was on display.
She sat in her chair, a blanket over her knees and her legs on the raised footrest. This was not the robust woman who on my last visit to Ireland over a year ago had still looked a decade younger than her birth certificate stated. That woman had been replaced by this shrunken, frail old lady, who looked terminally ill.
The dark green eyes that had so often flashed with anger now welled with tears as she held her arms out to me. Dropping my bags to the floor I went into them. For the first time in many years my mother and I embraced, and my love that had lain dormant resurfaced.
‘You’ve come, Toni,’ she murmured.
‘I would always have come if you’d asked me,’ I replied softly, shocked by the fleshless shoulders I felt through her dressing gown.
A nurse bustled in and tucked the blanket more firmly around my mother’s legs. Turning to me she enquired politely about my journey from London.
‘Not bad,’ I said. ‘Only three hours door to door.’
Gratefully, I took a cup of tea from her, staring intently into the cup as I composed myself, not wanting my face to betray the shock that my mother’s fragility had given me. She had, I knew, been admitted to the hospice before to monitor her pain control, but I knew this visit would be the last.
Having been informed of my arrival, my mother’s doctor came to see me. He was a cheerful, pleasant-looking young man, with a broad smile.
‘Ruth,’ he asked, ‘are you happy now that your daughter has come to see you?’
‘Very happy,’ she replied in her usual lady-like tones, so expressionless she might have been commenting on the weather.
When he turned to me, I saw the same curious expression that had flitted through the receptionist’s eyes.
‘May I call you Toni?’ he asked. ‘It’s what your mother called you.’
‘Of course.’
‘I’d like a couple of words with you when you’ve finished your tea. Just come down to my room. The nurse will show you where it is.’
After one more reassuring smile to my mother, he left.
Taking a few minutes to postpone what I felt would be a difficult meeting, I sipped my tea slowly before reluctantly going to see what he wanted.
Entering his room I was surprised to find another man sitting beside him, dressed in casual clothes, only his dog collar identifying his calling. I sat down on the only available chair, looked at the doctor with what I hoped was a bland expression and waited for him to start the conversation. As he gently began to explain the situation my heart sunk. I realized that some answers would be required from me; answers I was reluctant to give, for giving them would mean opening up those memory boxes where the ghost of my childhood lived.
‘We have some problems with your mother’s treatment and we hoped that maybe you could shed some light on them. The pain-control medication is not working as well as it should. And, to be frank, she’s on the maximum dosage we can prescribe.’
He paused to gauge my reaction. Receiving none he continued. ‘In the daytime she responds well to the staff, lets them take her to the coffee lounge, shows an interest in her appearance, and she has a good appetite. It’s the night-time that’s the problem.’
Again he paused and still I kept what I knew was a neutral expression on my face, not yet ready to give anything away. After a few seconds he continued, with slightly less confidence.
‘Your mother has very disturbed nights. She wakes extremely distressed and in more pain than she should be. It’s almost as though she’s fighting against her medication.’
Oh, the witching hours, I thought. I knew those hours so well, where control over thoughts disappears to let the blackest memories surface, jolting us wide awake to feel despair, anger, fear or even guilt. In my case I could get out of bed, make a cup of tea, read or listen to music. But what could my mother do now to allay those dark thoughts?
‘Twice she’s asked the nurse to call the minister out. But,’ he turned to the man beside him, ‘my friend tells me that by the time he arrives she’s changed her mind about her need to talk to him.’
The minister nodded to confirm this, and I felt the impact of two pairs of eyes searching my face for answers; this time it was the minister who broke the silence, leaning across the desk and putting the next question.
‘Toni, is there anything you can tell us to help us help your mother?’
I saw the genuine concern in his face and chose my words carefully.
‘I think I understand why my mother’s nights might be disturbed. She believes in God. She knows she has a very short time before she meets Him, and I think she is very frightened of dying. I want to help but there is little I can do. I hope for her sake she can find the strength to talk to you.’
The doctor looked puzzled. ‘You mean your mother has something on her conscience?’
I thought of just how much my mother had in her past to feel guilty about, wondering if her memories haunted her. I fought not to let my thoughts show, but felt a sigh escape me as I replied.
‘She must have. She should have. But whether she’d ever admit she’s done anything wrong I don’t know. She never has.’
The doctor looked troubled. ‘Well, it’s certainly affecting the pain control. When the mind is as restless as your mother’s seems to be, the medication simply does not work to its full effect.’
‘In that case you will just have to monitor it and my mother more closely,’ I said, more abruptly than I should as a feeling of helplessness rose in me. With that I returned to my mother’s ward.
On entering her eyes held mine.
‘What did the doctor want?’ she asked.
Knowing that she knew, I looked at her squarely in the face.
‘They told me you had called the minister out twice in the middle of the night and that you were very distressed.’ Then my courage failed me as it always did. ‘But we don’t need to worry about it now do we?’
The childhood habit of pandering to her wishes of ‘no discussion’ remained unbroken.
The rest of that first morning she was very tearful. I knew it was common with terminally ill patients, but it still moved me unbearably. Tenderly, I wiped away her tears, remembering days when as a small child she’d done the same for me. She was more affectionate than she had been for many years: she wanted to hold my hand, she wanted to talk and she wanted to remember happier times. I looked at her now, an old lady whose limited days were unlikely to end as peacefully as I wanted, and realized how badly she needed me.
‘How long are you going to stay?’ she asked.
‘For as long as you need me,’ I replied lightly, trying to cover up what I really meant.
My mother, who could always read me, smiled. With a jolt I was reminded of her much younger self and the times when we’d been so close. I felt the surge of my old love.
‘I don’t know how long that will be,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘But I don’t think it will be very long.’
She paused, looked at me and asked: ‘You’ve only come, haven’t you, because you know I’m dying?’
I squeezed her hand, and rubbed the back of it gently with my thumb. ‘I’ve come because you asked me to. I would always have come if you’d asked. And yes, I have come to help you die in peace, because I believe I’m the one person who can do that.’
I hoped she would find the willpower to talk honestly, and for a short time that first day I believed she would.
Pulling on my hand she said: ‘You know, Toni, the days you were a small baby were the happiest times of my life. I remember it as though it was yesterday. When you were born I sat in that hospital bed feeling so proud that at the age of twenty-nine I had produced you. You were such a small, perfect little person. I felt such love for you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to look after and protect you. I wanted a good life for you. I felt such tenderness and love, that’s what I felt then.’
A lump rose in my throat as I remembered many years ago when I had been encircled by her love. Then she was a mother who cuddled and played with me, read stories and tucked me into bed; a mother whose scent I breathed in as she bent down to give me my good-night kiss.
A child’s voice infiltrated my memory until the sounds became words whispered in my ear.
‘Where did that love disappear to, Toni? Today is your birthday. She says she remembers when you were born. She says how she loved you then, yet fourteen years later she tried to send you to your death. Does she not remember that? Does she not think you do? Has she really blocked it out of her mind? Have you?’
I closed my ears to the voice and willed it to be silent. I wanted to leave my memories in the boxes where they’d been stored for thirty years, never looked at and never thought of except when the witching hours allowed them to escape, when they would hitch a lift on the end of a fading dream. Their ice-cold tentacles would then stroke my subconscious, leaving dim pictures from another time until I awoke to banish them.
Later that day I took her out in her wheelchair around the grounds. She’d always loved creating beautiful gardens; it was as though all her nurturing instincts, which had ceased towards me long ago, went into them.
She asked me to stop at various plants and bushes as she told me their names. Sadly she murmured, more to herself than to me, ‘I’ll never see my garden again.’
I remembered visiting her at the onset of her illness. I’d gone to Northern Ireland with a friend. Taking advantage of the fact that my father was away for the day, playing golf, I had visited my mother. She had proudly shown me photographs of how her garden had looked before she’d started work, a desolate area with clumps of coarse grass and not even a wild flower to enhance it.
As she walked me around she showed me something that instantly brought a smile to my face. On Mother’s Days and birthdays I’d sent her baskets of tiny plants. She showed me how, mixed with others grown from cuttings, she’d replanted them into her eclectic collection of containers, ranging from chimneys and old kitchen sinks to terracotta pots and a drinking trough, creating an explosion of colour around the patio she had designed.
She’d named all the shrubs for me that day too.
‘This is my favourite, it’s called Buddleia,’ she informed me. ‘But I like its nickname better, “the butterfly bush”.’
As if to give credence to its more popular name a cloud of butterflies hovered over the deep purple shrub, their wings shimmering in the afternoon sunlight. Another area gave off a heady aroma of roses, their petals shading from clotted-cream perfection to a dark rich pink. Another area contained her beloved lilies. In another wild flowers blended with the cultivated ones.
‘If they look pretty they’re not weeds,’ she laughed.
There were pebbled walkways, with arches made of wire, where jasmine and honeysuckle had been lovingly trained to grow and add their perfumes to the air. At the base of one nestled a collection of gnomes.
‘My little bit of nonsense,’ she called them.
She looked so happy and serene that day that it became a memory I stored in my mental photograph album. One I could take out at will and enjoy.
The next day I drove to a garden centre, bought her a small summer house to protect her from the elements and had it delivered.
‘So that whatever the weather you can always enjoy your garden,’ I told her, knowing she wouldn’t have more than one more summer to enjoy it.
She had created an English country garden in Northern Ireland, a country she had never taken as her own, always feeling herself a stranger there.
I took that memory out then and felt such sorrow for her, my lonely mother who had created her life out of imagination then turned it into her reality.
There was a side of me that was enjoying being with her in the hospice, despite her frailty. Finally I was able to spend some time alone with her, time I knew was disappearing minute by minute.
That evening I helped put her to bed, brushed her hair back from her brow and kissed her forehead.
‘I’ll be sleeping in the chair beside your bed,’ I told her. ‘I’ll never be very far away.’
After the nurse had given out sleeping pills, I sat holding her hand, which had grown small and fragile. The skin, streaked with blue veins, seemed almost translucent. Someone had given her a manicure, shaping and polishing the nails into ovals and colouring them a pale pink, unlike the soil-stained ones I remembered from my last visit.
Once she’d fallen asleep I took one of my Mavis Cheek novels and went to the lounge. I felt an overwhelming sorrow that the mother I’d once loved so much was dying; sorrow that for all the harm, for all the things she’d done, she’d never been happy. I grieved for the relationship with her I’d always wanted but which, apart from my very early childhood, I had been denied.
The book remained unread that night as control over my memories deserted me. My mind strayed back to those early days I spent with her, days when I’d felt cherished, protected and loved, days that in my memory were always sunny – until the blackness came.
Antoinette, the child, came to me in that space that twilight creates, when dreams have deserted us but consciousness still slumbers. Dressed in shades of grey, her ivory-white face gleamed up at me from under her ebony fringe.
‘Toni,’ she whispered, ‘why did you never allow me to grow up?’
‘Leave me in peace,’ I silently cried, summoning all my mental energy to push her away.
My eyes opened and now only dust motes danced in the air, but when I placed my hands on my face they came away damp from a child’s tears on adult cheeks.
‘Toni,’ she whispered, ‘let me tell you the story of what really happened. It’s time now.’
I knew that Antoinette was awake now and I would not be able to force her to resume the years of slumber that once I had banished her to. Closing my eyes I allowed her whisper to filter into my mind as she started our story.
Chapter Two (#u40ae3871-a12e-5e42-b741-2e921f0cd6b3)
My first memories were of my mother and me living in a house with a garden in Kent, where my diminutive grandmother was a frequent and welcome visitor. Upon hearing her voice calling ‘Antoinette, where are you?’ as she pretended to search for me, I would stop whatever I was doing, rush to greet her and to be hugged in return
She had a fragrance particular to her, a mixture of face powder and lily of the valley, a scent that in the future always evoked memories of her. I would feel a glow of love between us as I breathed in that aroma.
On sunny days she would suggest leisurely walks towards the main street of Tenterdon, where we would make our way to one of the oak-beamed tearooms. My play clothes would have been exchanged for a clean dress, my face and hands wiped and my hair brushed before I was considered presentable enough for such outings.
Once she had placed high heels on her feet and picked up a matching handbag, my mother would apply bright red lipstick, fluff powder on her nose and the three of us would set off.
A black-and-white-uniformed waitress would show us to our table, where my grandmother would proceed to order afternoon tea. Scones with jam and cream, followed by individual pink and yellow iced cakes, were washed down by diluted squash for me, tea for the two adults.
My mother, wearing a square-necked dress, her head bare, would chatter companionably to my grandmother, who, always, regardless of the weather, hid her still red-gold hair under a hat. Ladies of a similar age, dressed in printed dresses topped by straw boaters or pillboxes, would greet her with smiles, remark how much I was growing and comment on the weather, a subject which, to my child’s ears, grown-ups always showed an inordinate interest in.
Another special outing was when we visited Mrs Trivett, an old school friend of my grandmother’s who, to my delight, made homemade sweets in her tiny black and white cottage. Her postage-stamp-sized garden was filled with deep raspberry pink hydrangeas, whose big lacy heads hung over the low brick wall and nodded in the breeze. To my fascination two plump gnomes sat underneath one bush, fishing rods in their hands. Perhaps it was Mrs Trivett who sowed the seeds of my mother’s affection for these garden ornaments in later life.
My grandmother would knock the freshly polished knocker against the black door and Mrs Trivett, wrapped in a voluminous apron, would open it, releasing the warm scent from the bubbling concoction, which later would become the sweets I loved.
Taking me into her kitchen she would show me how they were made. Fat strips of the sugary-smelling black and white mixture were placed over a hook by the door, then squeezed and pulled until they trebled in length. Only when their length had increased to Mrs Trivett’s satisfaction were they taken down, some to be cut into small squares, others into larger pieces which were rolled into humbugs.
Engrossed, I would watch, my cheeks bulging with some of her samples, as I rolled the one she had told me I could ‘test’ around my tongue. When the last drop of the sugary syrup had slid down my throat I would play the same game we played every time.
‘Mrs Trivett, what are little girls made of?’
I never grew tired of her reply.
‘Why Antoinette, how many times do I have to tell you? Sugar and spice, of course, and all things nice!’
I would giggle happily and she would reward me with another sweet.
On other days my mother showed me the games she’d enjoyed playing as a child; the sort of games passed down through the decades, from generation to generation. We dressed dolls and made mud pies with a small bucket and spade. But my favourite one involved using a tea set my grandmother had given me to give pretend tea parties. First I would arrange the tiny cups and saucers on a cloth, beside them the teapot and miniature milk jug. Then the matching plates would be laid in a neat row. When the cloth table was ready to my satisfaction small pebbles or flowers would take the place of sandwiches and cakes, which would then be offered to my adult playmates or my collection of dolls. Imaginary tea would be poured and passed round and dolls’ faces wiped clean of invisible crumbs.
Not only did my mother have unlimited time to show me childhood games, she used to love dressing me in pretty clothes, many of which she made herself, taking hours over the hand-stitched smocking which went across the bodice as was the fashion then.
She had a professional photograph taken of me in one of them when I was three, wearing a gingham dress edged in white with one plump leg crossed over the other, smiling confidently into the camera. I looked the loved child I knew I was.
My mother entered me for a ‘Miss Pears’ competition and to her joy I was one of the runners-up. A small, framed photograph took pride of place on the mantelshelf.
But those happy days, when we were a family of two, were numbered. For years I dreamed of them returning, but over ten years later, when they finally did, they brought no happiness.
My father stayed in the army for several years after the war and only visited us sporadically, stirring the house into an uproar for the short time he was there. To me he seemed more like an important visitor than a parent. Days before his arrival there would be a flurry of housework, cushions would be shaken, furniture polished and floors mopped. A warm smell of baking would fill the house as his favourite biscuits and cakes were made, then, on the long-awaited day, my mother would dress me in my best outfit while her prettiest was donned. Constantly gazing impatiently out of the window, we would wait for the gate to open and a loud greeting to be called, upon which my mother would rush to the door and into his outstretched arms.
My impression was of a big handsome man who made my mother laugh with happiness while a pink glow suffused her face. Presents such as silk stockings for her and chocolate for me always accompanied his arrival. My mother would unwrap hers patiently, meticulously folding the paper for future use, whilst I ripped mine open with squeals of delight. He, the benevolent visitor, would sit in the most comfortable chair and smile at our pleasure.
For my fourth birthday a bulky parcel had been torn open to reveal a large, red, stuffed felt elephant. Picking her up I thought she was more beautiful than any doll. I christened her Jumbo and for several months refused to be parted from her. Holding Jumbo by the trunk I trailed her around the house, insisting she shared my bed and taking her with me on visits.
A few months after that birthday my father announced that the idea of civilian life appealed to him. He wanted, he said, to spend more time with his wife and daughter. When my mother heard those words her face lit up and for the next few weeks I could sense her exhilaration as she waited for him to return, this time to stay.
I knew the day he was expected from the smells of baking and frantic housework, but it was another three days before he finally arrived. This time there were no presents after the shouted greeting and within hours the carefree atmosphere in our home changed for ever. The build-up of tension had begun.
After I was put to bed clutching my much-loved elephant, the first row I’d heard between my parents penetrated my sleep. I felt unsettled. Up to then I’d hardly heard a voice raised in anger. I hugged Jumbo a little tighter, hoping they would stop, and eventually fell uneasily back to sleep.
A long time later my mother told me it was because of my father’s drinking and gambling. I knew nothing of the causes; I just knew the result made me uncomfortable. Upon leaving the army with his severance pay he had not returned home until every penny of it had been lost on a poker table and my mother’s hopes of buying a house that she could turn into a home for us were dashed. It was clear to me, as she talked in one of the rare intimate moments we had, that it was only the first of many disappointments to come.
My mother realized that with a growing child and no lump sum to fall back on, if she was ever going to achieve her ambition of owning her home, she would have to work. But it wasn’t going to be easy. Not only was there no equal pay for women in the decade after the war, there was very little work. Victorious servicemen who had remained in the army to help rebuild a devastated Germany had returned to face massive unemployment, substandard accommodation and rationing. With a grim determination that was an integral part of her character, my mother was never going to admit defeat and eventually her persistence was rewarded. She found employment at a garage several miles away as a night-shift cashier, where a small, dark, rent-free family flat made up part of her wages.
My father also found obtaining work difficult. Although he was a trained mechanic the only position he could find was in a factory, also on night shifts. With no alternative on offer he took it.
Our lives then settled into a different pattern, with him returning home each morning grumbling about tiredness and going straight to bed, whilst my mother, who had a home to run and a small child to look after, snatched sleep whenever she could.
Although my grandmother sometimes arranged to collect me for an outing, she seldom visited us and the days of spending time with my mother alone also came to an end. I would wake up in the little flat, clutch Jumbo for support and go in search of her. Finding the flat empty I would wander down to the garage in my nightclothes, still half asleep, seeking her company. In those early days she never got angry with me, just picked my still sleepy body up, laughed, took me upstairs and tucked me back into bed.
A few months before my fifth birthday we moved again, this time to a small terraced house with a garden. My father had just received a promotion that meant permanent work with more pay and better hours. Night work was tiring for my mother, and now for the first time since her husband’s return she felt she could become a full-time housewife.
The night before my birthday I lay awake, wondering what present I would be given. All through the previous week I’d nagged my mother to tell me. Immune to my pleas she laughed and told me I would have to curb my curiosity and wait until the day to find out.
Waking early I rushed downstairs, remembering the arrival of Jumbo a year before, and scanned the sitting room. I couldn’t see anything. Seeing the look of disappointment on my face, my mother told me we were going to visit someone, and I would be given my present there.
As soon as I had excitedly gulped my breakfast down I was buttoned into my coat and I skipped along, holding my mother’s hand as we made our way to the bus stop. A red double-decker bus took us several miles to the next village. Alighting, we walked a short distance to a house I’d never seen before. I was puzzled. I had no idea what my present could possibly be. Presents, I knew, were bought in shops.
On my mother’s knock I heard the shrill barking of several dogs. My excitement mounted. Jumbo, though still much loved, was beginning to lose her attraction for me. What I now wanted more than anything was a puppy of my own. Was this, I wondered, the day my wish was to be granted?
A small, plump, grey-haired woman opened the door. Scampering around her feet were several black-and-tan wirehaired terriers, wagging their tails as they jumped up to welcome us. Trying to quieten their boisterous greeting, she ushered us quickly into a large kitchen. My excitement grew when I saw in front of the stove a basket filled with several sleeping puppies. Just outside it a fluffy little creature, with the black-and-tan markings of the adult dogs and bright mischievous eyes, stumbled around on legs still shaky, sniffing the air with her black button of a nose.
Before my mother had time to ask the lady to show me the others, I’d rushed to the adventurous one and knelt down. I knew instantly she wanted me as her owner. Picking her up, breathing in that warm puppy smell, feeling small quick licks from her rough pink tongue on my face as she wriggled in my arms, the bond was formed; she became the greatest friend of my childhood.
‘Is that the one you like the most?’ my mother asked.
My radiant face was all the answer she needed.
‘Then she’s yours. She’s your birthday present.’
I gasped with pure pleasure as I realized my greatest wish had just been granted. I kissed the little dog on top of her fluffy black and tan head, and with that display of five-year-old maternal love I showed her she was mine.
‘What are you going to call her?’ my mother asked.
The memory of another small, determined figure came into my head, a figure I’d seen when I’d spent a magical day at the beach earlier that year. My grandmother had taken me by train to the seaside town of Ramsgate on the Kent coast. Clutching a large ice-cream cone I’d seen a circle of laughing children sitting transfixed in the warm sun, their eyes fixed on something out of my vision. Tugging impatiently at my grandmother’s hand to pull her forward, looking in the same direction as the other children, the two figures of Punch and Judy came into view. My forgotten ice cream melted and trickled down my hand as I stood rooted to the spot, enthralled by their antics. I booed when Punch attacked Judy and cheered with the other children when Judy lambasted him back. Even when the puppeteer came round with his collection box the mystery of the two miniature figures remained unexplained and my ever-patient grandmother was subjected to a stream of questions about the fighting dolls.
‘I’m going to call her Judy,’ I replied.
That birthday was to remain the happiest memory of my childhood.
My mother had enrolled me at a small private school. Each morning she would take me and every afternoon she would be waiting at the school gates with a warm smile. I felt very grown up wearing my uniform, with my pencils, eraser and first learning books carefully placed in a canvas satchel that hung over my shoulder. Even though I liked those early days of learning, I spent most of each day with bated breath, visualizing Judy in my mind, longing for the final bell. I would hurriedly swallow the milk and sandwiches, which would be given to me after I’d changed out of my navy-blue gym tunic. Only when I’d finished both would I be allowed outside to play ball with Judy for an hour. When my mother thought enough energy had been burnt up for us both to settle down quietly she would open the kitchen door and call us in. A reading book, where new words were learnt every day, or a counting one where I was learning to tell the time, would be removed from my satchel.
I would work at the table while my mother made supper and Judy lay exhausted at my feet.
For Christmas, when she was turning from puppy to small dog, I used my saved-up pocket money to buy a smart red lead with matching collar. Now, proudly buttoned up in my warm navy winter coat, with Judy prancing beside me impervious to the cold in her natural fur, I would take her for walks, beaming with pleasure every time someone stopped to admire her. My happiness was completed when my grandmother started to visit again. No explanation had ever been given as to why she had stopped. Years later she admitted to me she had been appalled at us living above the garage, had never liked my father and had never thought him good enough for my mother. Whilst by then I more than agreed with her, it was too late to comment.
She, like me, adored Judy, who always greeted her rapturously. My grandmother would pick her up, tickle her stomach and be rewarded by licks that removed her perfumed face powder.
With my grandmother’s visits would come presents, mainly of books which, when my mother was busy, my grandmother would always find time to read to me.
When my parents informed me in February that we were going to move to Northern Ireland, where my father came from, my pleasure was only spoilt by the thought of not being able to see so much of my grandmother. Her many reassurances of numerous visits, however, made my fears disappear.
In fact, six years were to pass before I saw her again.
We sent regular letters, which hid the truth of our family life. She never forgot birthdays and Christmases, but the hoped-for letter announcing a visit never arrived. Unaware then of the many excuses my mother was making to her, my grandmother gradually faded in my life to become someone who had once loved me.
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Toni Maguire
Тип: электронная книга
Жанр: Семейная психология
Язык: на английском языке
Издательство: HarperCollins
Дата публикации: 18.04.2024
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О книге: This heart-wrenching memoir from Toni Maguire tells the deeply moving story of an idyllic childhood that masked a terrible truth. Underneath her mother′s gentility and her father′s roguish charm lay horrifying secrets, which eventually led to their only child′s near destruction.The first time her father made an improper advance on Toni, she was six years old. Her father warned her not to tell her mother, or anyone else, because they would blame her and wouldn′t love her any more. It had to remain ‘our secret.’When she finally built up the courage to tell her mother what had happened, she was told never to speak of the matter again. With no one to turn to, isolated and alone in rural Ireland, the abuse continued unhindered.At fourteen Toni fell pregnant by her father, and when her state was discovered she was made to have a late abortion which almost killed her. The truth of her childhood could no longer be kept hidden but, just as her father predicted, Toni found herself judged and rejected by her family, teachers and friends. The blame and anger she was treated with only worsened when her father was sent to prison as a result of his actions. This is the compelling story of her struggle to put the ghost of her childhood to rest, and emerge ultimately triumphant.